i have an intp sister and i was talking to her on the phone about the "Te systems" conflict as it is literally the root cause of at least 95% of our problems, so when you came up with the example of "being annoyed that he doesn't do things for you when you did it for him, but he doesn't know", I fell back. This has happened countless times. I pack up the day before I go to college so I don't have to make noise and accidentally wake her up, but she literally seems to wreck the room when I'm sleeping. I always let it go as I didn't want to start an argument over it, but on one day in particular, I literally jumped out of bed, seething, and said "What the heck, can't you do your thing quietly? I don't make a fuss when you're sleeping i tiptoe and close the door quietly because i don't want to wake you but you don't care about me? I'm tired of this every day, I'm going to do the same to you to see if you like it" And she and she stopped mid-task, looked at me with wide eyes and said "Sorry I didn't know I woke you up. Why didn't you say it was bothering you?" In my mind, it was obvious that slamming drawers and doors, and talking in the bedroom would wake anyone up, but I later realized that since I never complained, she just thought I was a heavy sleeper. another example is that I do many things for her, but I do it because I care and I can do that. Proclaiming "hey, I just did X, Y, and Z for you" feels like I'm creating a debt to her that she hasn't asked for. So, because I don't want to pressure her to reciprocate, she usually doesn't know I made them. Then it happens that she gets annoyed that I don't want to do something in particular for her, and says "I help you all the time and you never do anything for me" and then pissing me off because I'm always helping her (but she doesn't know) So I respond with "If you're not helping me because you want to, stop helping. It's a favor, not an exchange." and I end up coming off as selfish. But we will work on it. I really enjoyed these videos, I think that in addition to understanding my relationship with my sister better, it also helped me to understand myself a little more. Sorry for any failure in English, it's not my native language
Interesting.. made me think about my relationship. When my hubby and I got married he would wonder what I did all day as a stay at home wife and mother of three. I even kinda remember him being grumpy like he thought I just sat home watching tv... Now I send lil random text of what I've finished in the day more as just to fell productive. I have noticed he seem more appreciative of me.. so, wonder if he just thought his under wash and folded it's self and jump in the drawer, lol we have maybe 10 days of clothes each. So if I don't do laundry regularly we have no clothes lol. He did take a month of work for covid19 so he kinda saw the cooking cleaning schooling and so on. The errands and then all the other things I put on myself to do. So, I agree with being more vocal with ones partner about feelings and things being accomplished for the over all family. An I like the zen before talking about maybe the other person thinking about how they don't want to be woke up or whatever would brother them. Be more considerate of ones partner... Hmmm this video is making me think that maybe I should ask my hubby I'd he feel like I consider his feelings or being considerate enough
I still feel like my hubby doesn't actually 'see' what I do??? It's an ongoing hurt I carry, feeling completely under-appreciated for the child-rearing and keeping the house semi-functional for all those years. I have to say, our boys were particularly full on as far as kids go too! Probably largely because I was so inexperienced and young and didn't discipline them better....but also, just because they are who they are! Such different personalities and all very strong-willed in their own ways. My two eldest butted heads the most. I don't know if my advice is helpful in any way...lol....I'm still just trying to figure this all out myself...but I'm happy if it got you thinking in a different direction then maybe you would have :)
@@ChaoticallyMe I find it helpful. No relationship is perfect. See others views help me see if mine aline with what Jesus says I should do. Your job here maybe is thankless but God see your hands at work and I counts. I don't take care of my family for there praise because it doesn't come often. Ps all kids are stronger willed. Ask all parents. Lol. I work for Jesus I know it sounds silly but it says in Colossians 3:23 and whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not into men. I know this may not help but God sees you and you matter to those boys and husband. An you matter to me. Thank you, Really thank you💕
@@ChaoticallyMe I really mean it. By no means does it not hurt sometimes when my family doesn't see all that I do for them. I cry even. I bet every late night a Mom has is right here with us but just know I am hold on to those words with you. It has helped to know I don't for God be has called me to be a mom for God and a wife for God. We got this with God on our side. I also was a very young mom I had my first at 19 and my 3rd and 21 yrs. It's hard because we are also learning to become an adult as we are trying to raise lil ones for a better world tomorrow to serve God. To be better than we were. Its hard. 💕💕💕I am always here an email away I will email you my cell number we can text if you'd like.
Hi John :) hmm...I guess this is kind of situational re: how to engage more with an INFP, so I'm not entirely sure what best to advise but I do have some general off the top of my head things to keep in mind when wanting to build a relationship/friendship with an INFP: *1)* Never be dismissive of them sharing something personal with you (ie. laughing off their feelings about something, calling something they said stupid or illogical, ignoring what they said and starting to talk over them or to another person without first acknowledging that they've said something - we spend a large portion of our lives feeling invisible...people often don't hear or notice us! if you do notice us, then you're already a candidate for friendship or more...). For example, if an INFP has pet exotic birds and they've told you several anecdotes about their pets and some random facts about exotic birds in general...this is a good sign that they like you. Even if you have zero interest in exotic birds...if you like the INFP, let them talk about their interest and find something of interest in the topic to get them to expand on (not difficult for an INTP, I'm sure you can find questions to ask or paths of interest to explore about just about anything someone you like is interested in! but don't fake it...if you're not actually interested then we'll be able to tell ;). *2)* If something they feel strongly about is a little silly or illogical, a better way to 'help' rather than dismissing it as 'wrong' or 'stupid', is to ask open questions about the topic (i.e, 'it's really interesting that you mentioned you think blah is blah....my experience has been a little different, but I understand where you're coming from...for me I see it like this, and have you considered blah'). Get them thinking rather than just shooting their ideas or thoughts down. *3)* When they feel open enough to share their thoughts and feelings with you, it's a good idea to reciprocate if you can. It doesn't have to be hugely personal stuff you exchange with them, but INFPs do love hearing stories and anecdotes about your life and your experiences. We really are avid collectors of other people (real or fictional) 's stories, anecdotes and experiences. We can't get enough of them :) and more importantly it will make us feel less awkward if we've just talked about our birds for 10 minutes without taking a break and you're now telling us the story of the pet dog you had growing up, that smelled really bad, your Dad hated that 'damn dog' but to you he was an awesome friend and you still miss him all these years later... This is true bonding with an INFP, exchanging stories and experiences back and forth (note: the experiences don't necessarily have to be yours or their own experiences...you could be talking about the character development in a tv show and what you think about it and what the ending might really mean......you 'experienced' the ending of the show and here's your thoughts on it and what it means to you...). *4)* Validating their feelings or opinions is always a good idea with INFPs and definitely do this BEFORE giving an alternate viewpoint or telling them they're wrong. It doesn't need to be over the top or long winded validation...a simple, 'that's really interesting, I like the way you think', 'I had no idea you felt that way, that's really cool', 'thanks for sharing your thoughts on that with me', 'I always like talking to you because you give me things to think about'. We don't want you to blindly agree with us or think we're right about everything simply because we 'feel' it....we just want to know that we're being heard and that we are valid and important to you :) You can tell us you like our conversations without needing to agree with anything we said! lol....we just want to know that you like hearing our thoughts...even if they are loopy and you don't agree.
Hey John :) yeah I can definitely imagine how INTPs must feel about these Te systems and restrictions...I have a similar relationship with Fe stuff (nothing riles me up quite like an Fe user trying to control me in a social situation for the good of the group...ooooooo....angry!!!! lol). Thanks for giving me something to think about :)
Jen the INFP - Chaotically Minimal your observations are spot on. I used to be the person at the gym who needs to go through every locker because they forgot which one they put their stuff in. Like, every week. I literally needed to learn to at least put my stuff in lockers that only have a certain number in them haha
Good real-world example of “covert contracts” and the resentments that come behind them. Thank you 💖
Thanks Friar.....scary that I wasn't even aware of them for all these years! 💖
i have an intp sister and i was talking to her on the phone about the "Te systems" conflict as it is literally the root cause of at least 95% of our problems, so when you came up with the example of "being annoyed that he doesn't do things for you when you did it for him, but he doesn't know", I fell back. This has happened countless times.
I pack up the day before I go to college so I don't have to make noise and accidentally wake her up, but she literally seems to wreck the room when I'm sleeping. I always let it go as I didn't want to start an argument over it, but on one day in particular, I literally jumped out of bed, seething, and said "What the heck, can't you do your thing quietly? I don't make a fuss when you're sleeping i tiptoe and close the door quietly because i don't want to wake you but you don't care about me? I'm tired of this every day, I'm going to do the same to you to see if you like it"
And she and she stopped mid-task, looked at me with wide eyes and said "Sorry I didn't know I woke you up. Why didn't you say it was bothering you?"
In my mind, it was obvious that slamming drawers and doors, and talking in the bedroom would wake anyone up, but I later realized that since I never complained, she just thought I was a heavy sleeper.
another example is that I do many things for her, but I do it because I care and I can do that. Proclaiming "hey, I just did X, Y, and Z for you" feels like I'm creating a debt to her that she hasn't asked for. So, because I don't want to pressure her to reciprocate, she usually doesn't know I made them.
Then it happens that she gets annoyed that I don't want to do something in particular for her, and says "I help you all the time and you never do anything for me"
and then pissing me off because I'm always helping her (but she doesn't know)
So I respond with "If you're not helping me because you want to, stop helping. It's a favor, not an exchange."
and I end up coming off as selfish. But we will work on it.
I really enjoyed these videos, I think that in addition to understanding my relationship with my sister better, it also helped me to understand myself a little more.
Sorry for any failure in English, it's not my native language
🤯💕 Thank you again, great series, love you! X
Love you too bestie 😘 Miss you :(
Interesting.. made me think about my relationship. When my hubby and I got married he would wonder what I did all day as a stay at home wife and mother of three. I even kinda remember him being grumpy like he thought I just sat home watching tv... Now I send lil random text of what I've finished in the day more as just to fell productive. I have noticed he seem more appreciative of me.. so, wonder if he just thought his under wash and folded it's self and jump in the drawer, lol we have maybe 10 days of clothes each. So if I don't do laundry regularly we have no clothes lol. He did take a month of work for covid19 so he kinda saw the cooking cleaning schooling and so on. The errands and then all the other things I put on myself to do. So, I agree with being more vocal with ones partner about feelings and things being accomplished for the over all family. An I like the zen before talking about maybe the other person thinking about how they don't want to be woke up or whatever would brother them. Be more considerate of ones partner... Hmmm this video is making me think that maybe I should ask my hubby I'd he feel like I consider his feelings or being considerate enough
I still feel like my hubby doesn't actually 'see' what I do??? It's an ongoing hurt I carry, feeling completely under-appreciated for the child-rearing and keeping the house semi-functional for all those years. I have to say, our boys were particularly full on as far as kids go too! Probably largely because I was so inexperienced and young and didn't discipline them better....but also, just because they are who they are! Such different personalities and all very strong-willed in their own ways. My two eldest butted heads the most.
I don't know if my advice is helpful in any way...lol....I'm still just trying to figure this all out myself...but I'm happy if it got you thinking in a different direction then maybe you would have :)
@@ChaoticallyMe I find it helpful. No relationship is perfect. See others views help me see if mine aline with what Jesus says I should do. Your job here maybe is thankless but God see your hands at work and I counts. I don't take care of my family for there praise because it doesn't come often. Ps all kids are stronger willed. Ask all parents. Lol. I work for Jesus I know it sounds silly but it says in Colossians 3:23 and whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not into men. I know this may not help but God sees you and you matter to those boys and husband. An you matter to me. Thank you, Really thank you💕
Oh thank you Heather, you made me teary 💖
@@ChaoticallyMe I really mean it. By no means does it not hurt sometimes when my family doesn't see all that I do for them. I cry even. I bet every late night a Mom has is right here with us but just know I am hold on to those words with you. It has helped to know I don't for God be has called me to be a mom for God and a wife for God. We got this with God on our side.
I also was a very young mom I had my first at 19 and my 3rd and 21 yrs. It's hard because we are also learning to become an adult as we are trying to raise lil ones for a better world tomorrow to serve God. To be better than we were. Its hard. 💕💕💕I am always here an email away I will email you my cell number we can text if you'd like.
Side question: I am talking to a few INFPs, and we get along real which isn’t surprising, but how do you recommend engaging with them more
Hi John :) hmm...I guess this is kind of situational re: how to engage more with an INFP, so I'm not entirely sure what best to advise but I do have some general off the top of my head things to keep in mind when wanting to build a relationship/friendship with an INFP:
*1)* Never be dismissive of them sharing something personal with you (ie. laughing off their feelings about something, calling something they said stupid or illogical, ignoring what they said and starting to talk over them or to another person without first acknowledging that they've said something - we spend a large portion of our lives feeling invisible...people often don't hear or notice us! if you do notice us, then you're already a candidate for friendship or more...). For example, if an INFP has pet exotic birds and they've told you several anecdotes about their pets and some random facts about exotic birds in general...this is a good sign that they like you. Even if you have zero interest in exotic birds...if you like the INFP, let them talk about their interest and find something of interest in the topic to get them to expand on (not difficult for an INTP, I'm sure you can find questions to ask or paths of interest to explore about just about anything someone you like is interested in! but don't fake it...if you're not actually interested then we'll be able to tell ;).
*2)* If something they feel strongly about is a little silly or illogical, a better way to 'help' rather than dismissing it as 'wrong' or 'stupid', is to ask open questions about the topic (i.e, 'it's really interesting that you mentioned you think blah is blah....my experience has been a little different, but I understand where you're coming from...for me I see it like this, and have you considered blah'). Get them thinking rather than just shooting their ideas or thoughts down.
*3)* When they feel open enough to share their thoughts and feelings with you, it's a good idea to reciprocate if you can. It doesn't have to be hugely personal stuff you exchange with them, but INFPs do love hearing stories and anecdotes about your life and your experiences. We really are avid collectors of other people (real or fictional) 's stories, anecdotes and experiences. We can't get enough of them :) and more importantly it will make us feel less awkward if we've just talked about our birds for 10 minutes without taking a break and you're now telling us the story of the pet dog you had growing up, that smelled really bad, your Dad hated that 'damn dog' but to you he was an awesome friend and you still miss him all these years later... This is true bonding with an INFP, exchanging stories and experiences back and forth (note: the experiences don't necessarily have to be yours or their own experiences...you could be talking about the character development in a tv show and what you think about it and what the ending might really mean......you 'experienced' the ending of the show and here's your thoughts on it and what it means to you...).
*4)* Validating their feelings or opinions is always a good idea with INFPs and definitely do this BEFORE giving an alternate viewpoint or telling them they're wrong. It doesn't need to be over the top or long winded validation...a simple, 'that's really interesting, I like the way you think', 'I had no idea you felt that way, that's really cool', 'thanks for sharing your thoughts on that with me', 'I always like talking to you because you give me things to think about'. We don't want you to blindly agree with us or think we're right about everything simply because we 'feel' it....we just want to know that we're being heard and that we are valid and important to you :) You can tell us you like our conversations without needing to agree with anything we said! lol....we just want to know that you like hearing our thoughts...even if they are loopy and you don't agree.
Jen the INFP - Chaotically Minimal thank you for this
You're very welcome :)
We are absent-minded, sorry
We think Te is too controlling and restrictive, sorry
Hey John :) yeah I can definitely imagine how INTPs must feel about these Te systems and restrictions...I have a similar relationship with Fe stuff (nothing riles me up quite like an Fe user trying to control me in a social situation for the good of the group...ooooooo....angry!!!! lol). Thanks for giving me something to think about :)
Jen the INFP - Chaotically Minimal I hear you-it’s such bs
Jen the INFP - Chaotically Minimal your observations are spot on. I used to be the person at the gym who needs to go through every locker because they forgot which one they put their stuff in. Like, every week. I literally needed to learn to at least put my stuff in lockers that only have a certain number in them haha
naaw this made me smile, lol.