When you don't set boundaries, you are constantly on a loop of pleasing other people and putting their needs first ,which leaves you anxious annoyed frustrated and exhausted, please stop and put yourself first then you will be happy to help others when you become the real you that has those healthy boundaries,it took me years to wake up and see this never to late to learn 😊
@@lornalaurie278I think it’s all a spectrum. Parents that aren’t over the top can be “sat down and explained to” and the simple advice in this video might suffice. But if you can’t state what you want or just lay out your preferences without extreme guilt and shame and non-stop questioning, I’m not sure if it’s so easy as “sit them down and explain”
I had a very emotionally abusive home and I left at 15. I learned to set boundaries at a young age. When I reunited with my dad after his wife died, he lit into me for no reason and I simply told him that I was gone for 30 years and did he want me to be gone for another 30. He didn't want me gone. He cried and apologized to me. (I never would have asked for an apology), and I told him the rules were that we keep our relationship in the present and we be kind to each other. We both did that fairly successfully until he passed away. How did I learn to set boundaries? Lots and lots of therapy and one massive breakdown at 25 years of age. Then I crawled on my hands and knees out of it.
@@eurosoul5593 You are not alone. Just take baby steps if that is all you can handle. Surround yourself with good people. The other thing I did right with my father was I created an adult-to-adult relationship. I didn't let him treat me like a child. I don't think he liked that too much, but you have to stand your ground or parents will treat you like a child no matter how old you are. Stay strong and good luck!
I was FORCED to go no contact, as my family simply REFUSED to honour any boundaries, and the addictions, stalking, scapegoating, and abuse just ramped up when I started doing my own thing for the holidays. I am allowed to say “no” people, doesn’t mean you get to park outside my car and ambush me with your FEELINGS. That said, building my chosen family, and we ALL check in with one another, and the quality time is far more important than the material or “shoulds” around the holidays. This year, I’ll be hosting vintage video game nights from my blanket fort, with all the snacks!
I am so sorry your family couldn't respect or honor your boundaries, but so glad you have been able to create a chosen family who does :) And omg I am so jealous of your game nights and blanket forts!!! xoxo
Yes the guilt is real!! I haven't been with family for the holidays for over a year due to them not respecting my boundaries. I tried and I tried explaining it to them....but it was like beating a dead horse persay. Eventually I said to my self Namaste and walk away. I was done trying to rationalize with them. If they don't get it...they don't get it....its on them not me.
Agreed.. unfortunately we can't make them try to learn or understand our view or experience. If they don't want to learn that's on them. xoxo I am sorry you had to go through that. xoxo
But what if you don’t feel safe having thoughtful conversations with your family? If I reveal something affects me, they usually use it against me. That’s why I’ve become good at giving vague excuses.
Don't let them play the victim for you standing up for your boundaries and own mental health. Take care of you, but try to be nice or tactful about it. If possible, lol... hang in there
I think this is for those who have mid level dysfunction in their family dynamics. When showing a weakness or sore spot causes them to use it against yourself (typical narcissistic behaviour) , guard yourself. We don't owe anyone a reason for what is best for our mental health.
If it's not safe, you don't have to say anything. You can just do what's best for you, and if possible limit your contact. Because that's abusive, not loving behavior. And I am so sorry you're dealing with that... xoxo
Work on doing what’s best for you anyway. I can relate as many issues it’s like talking to a wall or they’re soo stubborn it goes in circles and they twist it around on myself. I try and avoid all together with simple statements. Ultimately if something gets heated/is a useless conversation you can walk away. As an adult nobody can keep you somewhere. If you need space, take it. I usually give 1 warning. If you’re going to continue talking to me about this I will have to leave. Then I stand by my word.
This was incredibly helpful as I'm dealing with a lot of similar family stuff this year and finally starting to realise that I have choices. I would definitely appreciate a video on dealing with the guilt too! Thanks for this, Kati. (:
As I’ve gotten older and through therapy I’m working on learning that I don’t owe anyone an explanation, especially around giving hugs to relatives. Due to ptsd/childhood SA I have always hated physical touch especially from non-immediate family relatives. In my family the older generation feels it’s rude for younger generation to not greet them with a hug (and a cheek kiss). I just don’t care anymore. They lean in for hug I step back and just smile and say no. Some relatives may be offended but I need to do what’s best for me. I’m also working on it in everyday life.
My dad and one of his brothers are pathetic. I won't apologize for their abusing me. It's not/wasn't my fault; they need to man up, grow up and shut the hell up(not give me their unsolicited comments, etc).
I get this. My narcissist dad and one of his brothers told me inappropriate things. When I would complain; they blamed me for hitting on them. Assholes! Their late mother said "have a sense of humor" The situation and sexual jokes were not funny nor appropriate. Pathetic!
I do not find Dad or his brother sexually attractive, nor do I seduce them(Dad's nonsense). This is pathetic! I am 59 now. They were doing this when I was 26!
My biggest issue with holidays is I felt guilted into staying till the very very end- my therapist had given the advice that right when I arrived I stated I would be leaving at *insert time here* and accompany it with a random excuse true or not. So when that time came around it wasn’t sudden or “rude” to leave, there was already a clear expectation that I was to be leaving at that time.
It's very interesting to hear your take on "reverting back to the polka" because when I moved back home for a few months at the beginning of this year, I had the same exact feelings, and things happen. I felt like I was a child again instead of this 28-year-old adult I've grown to be. The same problems came up with miscommunication and feeling like I couldn't say my peace, or assert my boundaries. So, for Christmas this year I am choosing to stay home. At first, I felt guilty... but I had to remind myself that I have a choice.
I am so proud of you for doing what's best for you!! And omg.. yes, we can just find ourselves going right back to who we used to be. So frustrating!! xoxo
I have rights to say no; it's their problem if they don't like backtalk. (My saying no) Thank you! I will keeping saying no/taking care of me. I won't take their blame on me. I feel better already!
For me and my family at the holidays, I think setting boundaries around heated political conversations is the hardest thing. As I've gotten older, my social and political views have diverged significantly from most of my family. I find myself reverting to my old views and just agreeing with what they say in order to avoid a big argument, which is really inauthentic on my part. I think I owe it to them and myself to be more honest about my views, but to also be assertive and careful about not getting into an argument. I think I need the hug-n-roll for ideological disagreements. Thank you for encouraging me with this video.
I've been on psychoanalysis for like 9 months and I found out my dad is always giving me advice doesn't matter what I'm doing. He always has a suggestion. It crushed my self esteem but I sat down and talked to him about it last week and it's been great. Communication always helps.
Great reminders! Please do make a follow up video about dealing with guilt from family. For me, I know I have choices, but the potential fallout makes it seem like I don't. Take care & thank you!
I had this terrible headache yesterday during the Christmas dinner and I wasn't all that jolly as I wanted. My father expected me to pour everyone booze and be 100% cheerful and took it as an insult that I would just sit in my chair quiet ...
I feel like these videos don't get a lot of traffic and likes, but they are so VALUABLE. Thank you so much for making them, Kati. Your content is so important, and so helpful!
"How to manage the guilt of your (dysfunctional) family" when you finally broke the chains and you're struggling to make it on your own. A video on this topic would be so appreciated. 😪
A teacher told us not to use "but" if we say something good first (e. g. feedback) and then a wish what could be better for the next time from my own position. Instead of but you can use something neutral like "and".
We go back and we lose ourselves, it feels like we dont have a choice. It just goes back to the dynamics we had back then. Any time we come back, dynamics replay again over and over
My family does not reach out. I reached out for the longest time, then decided to focus on my kids when they were born. Every time we do get together, they will say “don’t be a stranger.” But a relationship is a two way street. I decided how much energy I wanted to put into the relationship. Having extreme acceptance and awareness is key. I don’t feel that I have to explain myself. If they ask, sure, we can have that conversation. But until then, I’m seeing my own boundaries. If it’s a one way communication relationship, it’s not healthy.
I love the dance analogy as to family patterns of behaviour. This is why i love your channel - you are so good at explaining complicated stuff. Hi from Australia xx
Thanks for being so real! It’s good to finally realize I’m a full-grown adult and can give myself permission to do whatever I want. But I still have such a hard time with the annual uncomfortable visit from the inlaws. I know it’s only once a year, but damn!
Would love to see a video specifically about setting boundaries with narcissistic parents and how to do this. And when people don't respect your boundaries how to care for yourself and distance yourself if needed. I would really appreciate a video with just examples of different boundaries too as they didn't really exist in my childhood household and now I am a people pleaser and find it really hard to stick up for myself and make boundaries (I was parentified).
PLEASE do a video on managing the guilt, plus a video on "how to recover from the holidays (self care edition) if you want to of course! I have been guilt tripped so many times, I expect it. Now I would love to see what can be done about it/prepare for it, as well as "OK, I fell for it again, what do I do now that it's over?" Thank you Kati, this was a really good topic for the time of year for sure 👍😰
Yes! Excellent points..... I've been learning to say "no" more often with my parents. Even if it's awkward or I temporarily feel bad. Like you mentioned.... I don't feel the resentment later on, if I did say yes to something for them. I am soo glad I found your channel. Wish I had this help several years ago. I'm 44 now.
I'm 59 and Dad still tries to guilt, shame, blame and control me; he has no authority and I won't apologize for standing up for myself. I won't apologize for saying no to him, defending my right to say no or making a fake apology so he can feel superior to me. His problem attitude is not my doing.
Last Christmas I was struggling with severe depression, I didn’t wanna participate in a video call after 8pm. I thought I was respectfully communicating a boundary to my sister-in-law about this… but we haven’t spoken since, all bc I failed to live up to her expectations.
THANK YOU KATI, I FEEL LIKE YOU DESERVE ENDLESS THANKS! Everything you do is amazing and I felt like I should take the time to say thank you and we appreciate you and everything you do. You have been a tremendous help to an uncountable number of people and you deserve to know how amazing you and your impact truly are!
This is definitely something I'm going to try the hug and roll. I'm mom so all the kids and grandkids come here. However at Thanksgiving I way overdid things (I'm disabled) and ended up losing consciousness and in the hospital with sepsis and bacterial pneumonia. All because I wanted to have things just right. My expectations were something that pushed me beyond my own limits and I have to slow down. I'd rather be home with fa.ily then ruin the night and end up in hospital for a week. Thanks for this! Perfect timing! Have a great week Kati!🥰
I hope your kids realize that they're adults and should take over to give you a break, so you don't have to hug and roll. I'm sure they want you here and well. Wishing you a great holiday.
If your adult kids can pitch in it's only right to give you a hand you earned some relaxing holiday time - after all you were in the hospital. Best to you and happy holidays!
So glad this was helpful, and I hope the hug and roll works for you!!! And yes, slowing down and being home and healthy is more important than things being just so. (and it's okay to ask for as much help as you need too). xoxo
Yes, please do a video on how to deal with guilt! I really need it. I feel like I'm constantly bashed by it from my mom especially. I'm 18 and still living in my parents house which wouldn't be bad except for the fact that the expectations from her are to be becoming more of an adult while still being treated by her like I'm in high school. It doesn't help that it's very likely I have ADHD that's gone undiagnosed, meaning I have a different way of processing and learning in the world than neurotypical folks. This past Thanksgiving, I was invited over to one of my best friends' houses for the meal. This has never happened before so when I brought it up to my mom I felt a lot of push back from her, probably because of her separation anxiety but I think she was claiming that her reaction was because she didn't want my dads feelings to be hurt if I didn't stay to enjoy the meal he had cooked. After talking to my dad about it, he seemed fine with it and agreed that yeah, I'm an adult and should be able to choose what I do and don't do. When I told her that he was fine with it, she was surprised and agreed but I still felt that she was torn between wanting me to stay and letting me go do my own thing cuz that's what would make me happier. I know it was a long story but I've been stuck here for 18 years and becoming aware of the toxicity of the house I live in for only about 4-5 years now. I really need help, I don't yet have the financials to move out but I want to grow and mature into my own person. I don't have a therapist and I would really like one who fits me and my circumstances but at the same time, I'm not sure how positively my family would react to the changes that would be suggested by my therapist if I were to get one. If anyone has any advice on how to start healing from this situation, feel free to say something. I'm open to hearing what might help.
Hi... look up the UA-cam channel. "How to ADHD". The host is really sweet, funny and personal. It has about 975k subscribers. It has helped me a good deal. I am 44. She usually starts the videos with "hello brains". lol. I think you'll like the channel. Hang in there.
@@Billn1971 Hey there! I'm actually subscribed to her and I agree, she is always very welcoming and personal. Can you think of any videos of hers in particular you think may help me?
I feel so,overwhelmed with unresolved,guilt,Sadness and Anger. My 74yr old,sister has caused me to feel suffocated in my own home,her place has had so many problems.First,there was a Bug problem,then a flood.I let her stay with me for 10 months. I paid the extra rent.Then she went home,another,issue.I am,so tired of just not having my own space.
This is a really good one to talk about and so relevant!! We've had the hotel talk with family and it wasn't easy but I feel so much better about visiting now knowing that we'll at least be comfortable!
Hello people just clicked on to watch this new Kati video and definitely a good talk topic with the Christmas holiday comeing soon it can definitely be a stressful time and yes theres alout of expectations for some people it's more stressful around Christmas time and comeing up to Christmas I usually get stressed out before Christmas and over Christmas so meany reasons depending on people s life s and situations there's family stresses / money problems getting stressed because you may have to be around people you don't like or feel comfortable being around good video 🙂
I want to be strong enough to handle my family. I want to carry my adult self and energy to my childhood home. I love my family and I miss them, but staying with them is stressful.
I think this is going to be especially hard this year because most of us are feeling isolated and lonely and want that familial connection-toxic or not…
Totally. If you have friends or healthier people you can reach out to and see, I would encourage you to do that :) That way we don't have to engage with any toxic relationship. xoxo
KATI, grateful that you made this video. A timely topic, Boundaries. Here's another related thing: it is certainly good when you call ahead of time and let folks know, for example, about staying in a Motel. But (here's an idea for another video) what do you do when: It isn't so much about you telling everyone know the boundaries before they come to your place, what do you do when they TAKE OVER once they get there. For example, suppose you had splans plans to take the family out to "X" restaurant for dinner tonight. But in the afternoon, after lunch, your sister who even you conceed is a better cook, goes to some butcher shop, buys a bunch of food, brings it back to your place and then announces she's cooking dinner for everyone tonight, in your kitchen, without having asked you firs. But say, yer Mom, will defend your sister, and try to get all the rest of the family to agree because after all, "everyone knows sis can cook better than you." What now? That may be True. But this is your house! Should they really just get to come in and take over? I think not. But-- if you say anything at all, YOU will be accused of being petty, or un-appreciative and half a dozen other things! Any recommendations to avoid this? Or, you dont allow smoking in yer house. But Uncle Harry lights-one-up anyway, dismissing you and saying: aww, hell. We're family. Open a window and quit bit*hing." And everyone luvs uncle harry. There you are, dismissed and run over. IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. I feel it should be "your house, your rules" but what if the people you have over "outvote" you? (Why should it be up for a vote all? Isn't it usually always the same 1 or 2 relatives who persistently try to run things? They can at their house. But what about when they try to do so in yours? On a more minor scale, your sister or brother is riding in your car with you, and you have your favorite music on. But they want you to turn it off. Itslike2 animals meeting in the wild. Who will "establish dominance"? Your car, your rules. Just like in your house. But they will fight you tooth nail. i.e... 1."Play that crap on YER OWN Time" reply: excuse me? every day I'm still alive is my-own-time. and this is my car. No one held a gun to your head or forced you to ride with me. 2. Them: well, 20 minutes without it won't kill you. reply: and 20 minutes WITH it wont kill you, either. Its my car. 3. You're selfish and inconsiderate comment: if you give in to this...how long do you think it will be, before they also find yet another way for you to back down, be "considerate" and do whatever, their way? and on and on and on it goes.....makes a guy wanna move to Argentina. sigh.
I am still not sure if I can do a good hug and roll, but I really love how you explained it! Thank you for reminding us, that we do have a choice, even with all the weird family traditions around christmas.
My aunt is the worst in my family with enmeshment because she can not see us as separate people. I like this so the whole family naturally likes this because we are family and therefore we are all the same! She has literally said that many times! And she gets so emotionally dysregulated when I say no I don’t like that or no I don’t want to do that. She gets irate when I can’t eat something. I have celiac disease and multiple food allergies. I can’t just eat something to appease your ego! And it always turns into this big ridiculous argument. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even react. I just get up and leave the room without saying a word. And she’s flipping out like a toddler having a tantrum because I am not doing what she thinks I should do and she is older than me so I have to listen to her. I have to obey her wishes. I’m in my 40s and she treats me like I’m 7! She constantly disrespects me and then demands respect because she is my elder! And when I say respect is earned and I don’t have to respect being treated like a child, having my boundaries constantly disrespect and ignored and then be demanded to do things regardless of how I feel or my ability to actually do it! She gets passive aggressive when I say I don’t know how to do something. You just don’t want to! You’re just trying to upset me! It’s always like I am a bad child being defiant! She’s changed her approach in recent years where it starts out as “can you please…” but phrasing it like a question is just a polite way of saying I want you to do this so you need to do this! Because if you don’t it turns into a whole dramatic thing that nobody cares about her and nobody will help her and is she really that bad of a person that nobody wants to help her! One time I responded with yes you are that bad of a person because you don’t respect other people’s feelings and limits or anything, yet you demand, manipulate and guilt trip people until you get your way! And I don’t care how much you tantrum, if I say no then it’s no! It’s not a maybe if you annoy me enough I’ll give in! Not that long ago I told her that she emotionally rapes people! You force people into doing things that they don’t want to do just to shut you up! That’s an emotional violation of a person’s autonomy! I’m just done! It’s not that I don’t care about her but I need to care about me more. I need to respect my own boundaries and enforce them. And if that’s uncomfortable and angering then that’s the biggest red flag that you have emotional dysregulation and enmeshment issues! And I can’t help anyone but myself! But in helping myself I need to set boundaries and enforce them! And if that makes me a mean selfish person that doesn’t care about my family then so be it! You’re entitled to think, feel and believe whatever you want but you are not entitled to dictate what I think, feel and believe! And no I will not apologize because I’m not sorry for hurting your feelings by asserting my autonomy! That’s your problem to work through! I am not responsible for your feelings! Nor should you expect me to be! I have gone no contact multiple times and I just did again! She started playing this game of “your mother said you would do this for me!” Or “your sister needs you to come over and help with (something for her!)” I communicate with them both regularly and if I said I’m not able to do something, trying to convince me that the whole family is on your side and insisting I do something, that’s not going to magically make me able to do it! And I’m not going to cancel my plans, even if I’m sitting on the couch watching tv all night, it’s my time and I’m not going to get up and go do what you want me to, at a moment’s notice, because “I’m not really doing anything anyway so there’s no reason why I can’t do what she wants me to!” There’s a perfectly good reason why I can’t! I don’t want to! I don’t need to make up an excuse and give a long detailed exaggerated explanation as to why I can’t just to justify my saying no! No is a complete sentence! “No!” End of conversation! Go learn to self regulate! Your emotions are not my responsibility❗️
i solved that problem years ago i stay in my room with my laptop and all problems get solved on their own that way harder when my sister was around and made it so i needed to switch where my room was in order to be left alone but either way laptop plus a room all to myself works for family dinners at restaurants so a public area making it so things ended up being a bit better and i didnt mind that as much or at a cousins house and i usually enjoyed that and animals sometimes there to play with when bored
Holidays are the most miserable, regretful time of the year. I wish i had spent more time with my grandparents My fault? Yes it is . Everything is blown up by garish lights and politeness
This is helpful to me. I'm 37 years old but my mother basically wants to live under my skin. Expecting me to do everything for her, is at my home 30+ hours a week (lunch til 9pm 3 days... 12 hours on a Saturday) which means she eats at mine, I cook, yes she contributes to the food. But she has ZERO independence. She doesn't shop on her own, go to appointments, nothing. I have started putting in limits, I've claimed Wednesday as my day so I can clean my home and do what I need or want to do... Fridays&sundays I see my partner. The rest she takes up with what she needs/wants of me. So she now lives literally across the road from the hospital, she asked me to take her to her appointment there!! Was only a blood test, nothing major. I put my foot down and said no ☺️
@Kati Morton thank you for sharing this video Kati I always get very stressed out before the Christmas holiday and over Christmas I live with my family so I just have Christmas with them sadly I don't have any other family members who are close or that I see anymore your video was very helpful
My brother came back after escaping his abusive partner but he keeps putting himself & his kids in comprising situations & so often makes the family overstep (if we don't take up the responsibility x will or won't happen) & it's so hard to draw that line when theyre little kids & you live in the same house. I really hope he gets the help he needs.
Not the family that's complicating it, it's people I know casually who invite me over because they think I'll be too lonely and maybe are just feeling sorry for me. I don't need or desire pity. It's hard for me to tell them that I just don't feel comfortable at someone's house when I would feel like the stranger there and just have anxiety. Even the thought of it brings that feeling on but I don't really know how to get across the thank you but no thank you without it being misunderstood. Puts me in an awkward situation of, do I talk about my anxiety or just lie and say I already have been invited by someone else?
I know this may sound weird, but does your family know that you have anxiety? If not, it may be worth discussing with them (and in therapy), so that both you and your family can work on ways to help you feel more comfortable, or at least more neutral (as Kati would say). Then, if that can get more established, you can work on seeing them and staying for longer periods of time....like you can start with doing Facetime or Zoom, then maybe 15 minutes at their place or something. It's just a thought.
Honestly hate when family members ask personal questions, each year I get questioned regarding what is wrong with me for not having a partner. Some people you just don’t want to see even on the holiday’s and even if they are family.
I had to cancel my flight back home cause I don't feel as ease in these times with covid and the new variant cause im scared i might not get back into the country afterwards and getting stuck where my family is, would be mentally draining and exhausting. This also included having to cancel visiting work and a close friend of mine and despite explaining that i would have felt like shit and the possible quarantine after an already mentally draining trip would send me into depression... I had to deal with said friend's guilting me about it. I held my ground and I cancelled anwyay. but wow it feels shitty. I GET that it's just anger/sadness and lashing out but... the whole "im disappointed" and "you just wanna be comfortable" and shit really got to me. My family (although a very dysfunctional one) is even more understanding and that's just... ah. .___. I'm proud of myself for doing what feels best and right FOR ME though. At least this way I wont be flying and be stressed and worried ninstop over things. ToT But it really sucks letting people down/being the source of other people's idsappointment and feeling as though you suck as a person casue of it. ToT ...rrandom ramble but. ey. the feeling you get when you can't live up to expectations as a people pleaser sucks :(
Katie you seem tired. Thank you for this video. Just remember to take care of yourself too and not to overwork yourself just for our sake. Happy holidays! 🌲💕
Expectations are resentments under construction. Words to live by! When you surrender your will to the expectations of others, you give away all your power to those imposing them upon you, leaving you in a state of constant approval seeking, or in a stare lack. Take your power back k and say no, with no apologies.
My own crisis this past week was my own fault. I have a toxic aunt that has been shunned by various family members (including my wife) because she is ultra toxic, hateful, cruel and always alone on Thanksgiving. This year our family drove six hours to my brother's house, to spend the night prior to Thanksgiving Thursday. As we drove up the drive way, Toxic Aunt was in the circle before my brother's house, unloading her car. So in the middle of the night my wife indicated that she wasn't spending one night under the same roof with Toxic Aunt. I assumed brother and his wife had more sense than to put us all together but alas I was mistaken. As we drove off, Toxic Aunt was smiling. Mission accomplished.
I am not scared; Dad ignores my boundaries(most of the time) and tried to make me feel guilty for having them. I was 12 1/2 when this started. I didn't trust him then, now, or in the future; he gave me many reasons not to trust him.
As many times as I’ve tried, it’s like they either don’t understand or don’t even care. I try to have real conversations with them when my boundaries get pushed and it’s like completely blown over and it’s expected of me to be more of a parent/adult, then they ever were to me if that makes any sense. I’m so exhausted 😭
I haven't been able to celebrate Christmas with my family for 6 years due to my chronic pain and being mostly bedbound. (I'm 34 now.) On the one hand, it's sad, especially because I miss the kids (nephew/nieces) and I'm the only person who let's them know they are good the way they are. On the other hand, I will have much less stress and toxic relationships. I did therapy but they didn't. But usually on Christmas Eve and especially New Year I often struggle feeling so alone and hopeless 🥺 But I'm gonna make it through somehow.
My problem here is that what if you felt this feeling “all the time”…every year your family expects this or that of you….so, what then? Is it a deal breaker after you’ve realized it’s just not working out? What then?
My dad/his (one of) brother and their (now, late) mother tried to shame me into going with what the senior members want; that my needs didn't matter. It was oppressive!
Im Literally void of boundaries. I don't know boundaries between me and other people and even with my kids. Idk how to interact with my children so I just avoid it. I'm so terrified of crossing boundaries I can't see that I just avoid it all together. I go into a spiral when my kids are needing affection and attention and idk what I'm doing. I end up frustrated, scared, and panicking. Idk what to do anymore. I'm so scared of hurting them or them doing something that triggers me. I live in constant fear. I'm a s.a. survivor of about 25 years as well as abusive relationships since.
Like i have my sister, who can be so freaking rude and not be aware of it. And when i try to set boundaries, like i specifically said “please don’t treat me that way, if you want some time, just communicate that without the need to be rude” she turns this into an argument saying stuff “you should have known” and blah blah and then ends it with “look i just woke up and am dealing with so much, give me a break” and I’m literally so confused. Like i don’t know what’s going on in ur head and that’s why i’m asking her to communicate that. (She’s 32 btw)
Dad's famly(some of them) acted as if my standing up and saying no/complaining was disrespectrul/rude/unacceptable and out of line! I felt oppressed all the time. Unreal! They were out of line, not me, they wouldn't listen to a single complaint.
Hey Kati! I know you probably won't read this but I was considering not going to my family's Christmas party. Ive been extremely depressed and I KNOW people are going to ask me about school and work. Ive dealt with depression for more than 10 years and just dropped out of university (after 6 years trying to complete a bachelor's degree....) because I have no executive functioning and am unable to complete my schooling in my condition. Just the thought of my family asking me about school makes me nervous and sad because if I'm honest and say I dropped out its not going well and I have no plans, I feel like I'm going to cry and I don't want to. If I say I don't want to discuss it it's rude. And I can't lie because my parents are aware and will probably talk about me to them. What should I do? I know I shouldn't avoid the whole thing for that reason because I really enjoy Christmas with my family. Thanks for your videos and have a great Christmas!
Hi. Don't let them play the victim for you standing up for your boundaries and own mental health. Hang in there. I'm 44 and been learning to say "no" more often to my family.
I hope you have yourself the gift of not going. If you did go, please don’t hesitate in future to relax in the deliciousness of a holiday spent home alone(if that’s what you need to do for yourself.) Holidays are so challenging for so many of us because of family expectations, difficult relationships, and boundaries.
Katie i am on the spectrum of autism... But I am having a hard time understanding why I get in equal or lesser relationships. A week ago, I was obligated to push the guy I am staying with bit he told his family I put hands on him.
Don’t reinforce their behavior by arguing about it/entertaining a discussion. Many times, the best choice is to set the boundary and exit the situation. Some people (who walk all over boundaries) require super duper assertive, straightforward communication.
Hey idk how to get ahold of you but I was wondering if you could do a video on abduction, captivity and torture because I explained those things from Jan 2019 to August 2019.
Being around people who don’t understand that everyone has right to his/ her own decisions is the most difficult thing ever.
Agreed!! Boundaries help, but if they keep overstepping even then, we sometimes have to limit contact.. ugh. xoxo
@@Katimorton Agreed !♥️
@@Katimorton Sometimes I feel like I don't have any family.
Exactly!
Agree
When you don't set boundaries, you are constantly on a loop of pleasing other people and putting their needs first ,which leaves you anxious annoyed frustrated and exhausted, please stop and put yourself first then you will be happy to help others when you become the real you that has those healthy boundaries,it took me years to wake up and see this never to late to learn 😊
Unless you have narcissistic parents, then it’s just too toxic
@@lornalaurie278I think it’s all a spectrum. Parents that aren’t over the top can be “sat down and explained to” and the simple advice in this video might suffice. But if you can’t state what you want or just lay out your preferences without extreme guilt and shame and non-stop questioning, I’m not sure if it’s so easy as “sit them down and explain”
Well, not assuming for anyone else, but when you explain for decades lol, eventually you have to take your leave
It also leads me to rely on alcohol
I had a very emotionally abusive home and I left at 15. I learned to set boundaries at a young age. When I reunited with my dad after his wife died, he lit into me for no reason and I simply told him that I was gone for 30 years and did he want me to be gone for another 30. He didn't want me gone. He cried and apologized to me. (I never would have asked for an apology), and I told him the rules were that we keep our relationship in the present and we be kind to each other. We both did that fairly successfully until he passed away. How did I learn to set boundaries? Lots and lots of therapy and one massive breakdown at 25 years of age. Then I crawled on my hands and knees out of it.
My mom is the good parent, dad, no! He thinks apologizing is beneath him, but that he is above the law. I doubt that last fact.
I am currently 25 in the massive breakdown stage - thank you for giving me hope 💖
@@eurosoul5593 You are not alone. Just take baby steps if that is all you can handle. Surround yourself with good people. The other thing I did right with my father was I created an adult-to-adult relationship. I didn't let him treat me like a child. I don't think he liked that too much, but you have to stand your ground or parents will treat you like a child no matter how old you are. Stay strong and good luck!
I was FORCED to go no contact, as my family simply REFUSED to honour any boundaries, and the addictions, stalking, scapegoating, and abuse just ramped up when I started doing my own thing for the holidays. I am allowed to say “no” people, doesn’t mean you get to park outside my car and ambush me with your FEELINGS.
That said, building my chosen family, and we ALL check in with one another, and the quality time is far more important than the material or “shoulds” around the holidays.
This year, I’ll be hosting vintage video game nights from my blanket fort, with all the snacks!
I am so sorry your family couldn't respect or honor your boundaries, but so glad you have been able to create a chosen family who does :) And omg I am so jealous of your game nights and blanket forts!!! xoxo
Omg I dealt with this before!
Yes the guilt is real!! I haven't been with family for the holidays for over a year due to them not respecting my boundaries. I tried and I tried explaining it to them....but it was like beating a dead horse persay. Eventually I said to my self Namaste and walk away. I was done trying to rationalize with them. If they don't get it...they don't get it....its on them not me.
Agreed.. unfortunately we can't make them try to learn or understand our view or experience. If they don't want to learn that's on them. xoxo I am sorry you had to go through that. xoxo
Thank for sharing this. I go through the same thing.
But what if you don’t feel safe having thoughtful conversations with your family? If I reveal something affects me, they usually use it against me. That’s why I’ve become good at giving vague excuses.
Don't let them play the victim for you standing up for your boundaries and own mental health. Take care of you, but try to be nice or tactful about it. If possible, lol... hang in there
I think this is for those who have mid level dysfunction in their family dynamics. When showing a weakness or sore spot causes them to use it against yourself (typical narcissistic behaviour) , guard yourself. We don't owe anyone a reason for what is best for our mental health.
If it's not safe, you don't have to say anything. You can just do what's best for you, and if possible limit your contact. Because that's abusive, not loving behavior. And I am so sorry you're dealing with that... xoxo
I understand you so much!! I just keep everything to myself because if I tell them about my weakness they just use it against me.
Work on doing what’s best for you anyway. I can relate as many issues it’s like talking to a wall or they’re soo stubborn it goes in circles and they twist it around on myself. I try and avoid all together with simple statements. Ultimately if something gets heated/is a useless conversation you can walk away. As an adult nobody can keep you somewhere. If you need space, take it. I usually give 1 warning. If you’re going to continue talking to me about this I will have to leave. Then I stand by my word.
This was incredibly helpful as I'm dealing with a lot of similar family stuff this year and finally starting to realise that I have choices. I would definitely appreciate a video on dealing with the guilt too! Thanks for this, Kati. (:
I am so glad!! And I will get to work on the guilt video asap!! xoxo
As I’ve gotten older and through therapy I’m working on learning that I don’t owe anyone an explanation, especially around giving hugs to relatives. Due to ptsd/childhood SA I have always hated physical touch especially from non-immediate family relatives. In my family the older generation feels it’s rude for younger generation to not greet them with a hug (and a cheek kiss). I just don’t care anymore. They lean in for hug I step back and just smile and say no. Some relatives may be offended but I need to do what’s best for me. I’m also working on it in everyday life.
My dad and one of his brothers are pathetic. I won't apologize for their abusing me. It's not/wasn't my fault; they need to man up, grow up and shut the hell up(not give me their unsolicited comments, etc).
I get this. My narcissist dad and one of his brothers told me inappropriate things. When I would complain; they blamed me for hitting on them. Assholes! Their late mother said "have a sense of humor" The situation and sexual jokes were not funny nor appropriate. Pathetic!
I do not find Dad or his brother sexually attractive, nor do I seduce them(Dad's nonsense). This is pathetic! I am 59 now. They were doing this when I was 26!
Dad started this when I was 12 1/2!! Sick bastard! He blamed me: it was his fault! All of it!
He told me not to tell anyone or he would go to jail. I should have told, immediately! No one listened in the 1970s. Pathetic.
My biggest issue with holidays is I felt guilted into staying till the very very end- my therapist had given the advice that right when I arrived I stated I would be leaving at *insert time here* and accompany it with a random excuse true or not. So when that time came around it wasn’t sudden or “rude” to leave, there was already a clear expectation that I was to be leaving at that time.
Actual conversation we had with my mother-in-law. We had done the hug and roll. She didn't like it but she accepted it. 💜
I am so proud of you!!! And yeah, they don't always like it, but at least she accepted it. xoxo
That’s awesome!
It's very interesting to hear your take on "reverting back to the polka" because when I moved back home for a few months at the beginning of this year, I had the same exact feelings, and things happen. I felt like I was a child again instead of this 28-year-old adult I've grown to be. The same problems came up with miscommunication and feeling like I couldn't say my peace, or assert my boundaries. So, for Christmas this year I am choosing to stay home. At first, I felt guilty... but I had to remind myself that I have a choice.
well said 👏🏾👏🏾👌🏾
I am so proud of you for doing what's best for you!! And omg.. yes, we can just find ourselves going right back to who we used to be. So frustrating!! xoxo
Brava!
I'm 48 and my mother still parents me. She's a guilt tripper too. I can barely tolerate her at times. But I have a huge history of pain from her too.
I have rights to say no; it's their problem if they don't like backtalk. (My saying no) Thank you! I will keeping saying no/taking care of me. I won't take their blame on me. I feel better already!
For me and my family at the holidays, I think setting boundaries around heated political conversations is the hardest thing. As I've gotten older, my social and political views have diverged significantly from most of my family. I find myself reverting to my old views and just agreeing with what they say in order to avoid a big argument, which is really inauthentic on my part. I think I owe it to them and myself to be more honest about my views, but to also be assertive and careful about not getting into an argument. I think I need the hug-n-roll for ideological disagreements. Thank you for encouraging me with this video.
I've been on psychoanalysis for like 9 months and I found out my dad is always giving me advice doesn't matter what I'm doing. He always has a suggestion. It crushed my self esteem but I sat down and talked to him about it last week and it's been great. Communication always helps.
Great reminders! Please do make a follow up video about dealing with guilt from family. For me, I know I have choices, but the potential fallout makes it seem like I don't. Take care & thank you!
Hang in there. Don't let them play the victim....because you stand up for your boundaries and own mental health. You got this.
So glad you liked it :) I will work on that guilt video asap!! xoxox
Expectations are huge, we can set ourselves up for frustration/anger/hurt/etc. We can ONLY CONTROL OURSELVES and NOT anyone else!
This is really good and so true about family and holiday drama !
So glad you found it helpful Kay :) xoxo
100% this. I'm learning how to be more assertive with my family. My mum makes it very difficult because she 'joke argues' back with whatever I say.
I had this terrible headache yesterday during the Christmas dinner and I wasn't all that jolly as I wanted. My father expected me to pour everyone booze and be 100% cheerful and took it as an insult that I would just sit in my chair quiet ...
I feel like these videos don't get a lot of traffic and likes, but they are so VALUABLE. Thank you so much for making them, Kati. Your content is so important, and so helpful!
Glad you like them!
"How to manage the guilt of your (dysfunctional) family" when you finally broke the chains and you're struggling to make it on your own. A video on this topic would be so appreciated. 😪
I am on it!! xoxo
This is good strategy thank them and stand your ground on the changes
Exactly :) xoxo
A teacher told us not to use "but" if we say something good first (e. g. feedback) and then a wish what could be better for the next time from my own position. Instead of but you can use something neutral like "and".
We go back and we lose ourselves, it feels like we dont have a choice. It just goes back to the dynamics we had back then. Any time we come back, dynamics replay again over and over
I don't wanna go back to that feeling again
I won't even have dinner with my family for Christmas. That's the best way to cope with complications
Kati you are so real. Your advice always hits home.
Great video topic. I say the same thing to my clients re: boundaries during the holidays. Sooo important!
My family does not reach out. I reached out for the longest time, then decided to focus on my kids when they were born. Every time we do get together, they will say “don’t be a stranger.” But a relationship is a two way street. I decided how much energy I wanted to put into the relationship. Having extreme acceptance and awareness is key. I don’t feel that I have to explain myself. If they ask, sure, we can have that conversation. But until then, I’m seeing my own boundaries. If it’s a one way communication relationship, it’s not healthy.
I love the dance analogy as to family patterns of behaviour. This is why i love your channel - you are so good at explaining complicated stuff. Hi from Australia xx
Thanks for being so real! It’s good to finally realize I’m a full-grown adult and can give myself permission to do whatever I want. But I still have such a hard time with the annual uncomfortable visit from the inlaws. I know it’s only once a year, but damn!
Would love to see a video specifically about setting boundaries with narcissistic parents and how to do this. And when people don't respect your boundaries how to care for yourself and distance yourself if needed. I would really appreciate a video with just examples of different boundaries too as they didn't really exist in my childhood household and now I am a people pleaser and find it really hard to stick up for myself and make boundaries (I was parentified).
PLEASE do a video on managing the guilt, plus a video on "how to recover from the holidays (self care edition) if you want to of course! I have been guilt tripped so many times, I expect it. Now I would love to see what can be done about it/prepare for it, as well as "OK, I fell for it again, what do I do now that it's over?"
Thank you Kati, this was a really good topic for the time of year for sure 👍😰
Yes! Excellent points..... I've been learning to say "no" more often with my parents. Even if it's awkward or I temporarily feel bad. Like you mentioned.... I don't feel the resentment later on, if I did say yes to something for them. I am soo glad I found your channel. Wish I had this help several years ago. I'm 44 now.
I'm 59 and Dad still tries to guilt, shame, blame and control me; he has no authority and I won't apologize for standing up for myself. I won't apologize for saying no to him, defending my right to say no or making a fake apology so he can feel superior to me. His problem attitude is not my doing.
I didn't bring it on.
Kati I am so happy you made this video. This is what I needed. Thank you
Last Christmas I was struggling with severe depression, I didn’t wanna participate in a video call after 8pm. I thought I was respectfully communicating a boundary to my sister-in-law about this… but we haven’t spoken since, all bc I failed to live up to her expectations.
Her expectations are her problem,only.
Thank you for talking about the dance analogy. It really is so true and I'll remember it during my spooky Christmas!
Managing a guilt tripping family (or family member) would be a great video. Would also love a video about amplified reflection.
I second this! A lot of people struggle with this especially after moving away.
THANK YOU KATI, I FEEL LIKE YOU DESERVE ENDLESS THANKS! Everything you do is amazing and I felt like I should take the time to say thank you and we appreciate you and everything you do. You have been a tremendous help to an uncountable number of people and you deserve to know how amazing you and your impact truly are!
This is definitely something I'm going to try the hug and roll. I'm mom so all the kids and grandkids come here. However at Thanksgiving I way overdid things (I'm disabled) and ended up losing consciousness and in the hospital with sepsis and bacterial pneumonia. All because I wanted to have things just right. My expectations were something that pushed me beyond my own limits and I have to slow down. I'd rather be home with fa.ily then ruin the night and end up in hospital for a week. Thanks for this! Perfect timing! Have a great week Kati!🥰
I hope your kids realize that they're adults and should take over to give you a break, so you don't have to hug and roll. I'm sure they want you here and well. Wishing you a great holiday.
@lgreen thank you, yes! They do now I hope. Regardless im slowing down for me too! 🥰
Bless you honey
If your adult kids can pitch in it's only right to give you a hand you earned some relaxing holiday time - after all you were in the hospital. Best to you and happy holidays!
So glad this was helpful, and I hope the hug and roll works for you!!! And yes, slowing down and being home and healthy is more important than things being just so. (and it's okay to ask for as much help as you need too). xoxo
Yes, please do a video on how to deal with guilt! I really need it. I feel like I'm constantly bashed by it from my mom especially. I'm 18 and still living in my parents house which wouldn't be bad except for the fact that the expectations from her are to be becoming more of an adult while still being treated by her like I'm in high school. It doesn't help that it's very likely I have ADHD that's gone undiagnosed, meaning I have a different way of processing and learning in the world than neurotypical folks. This past Thanksgiving, I was invited over to one of my best friends' houses for the meal. This has never happened before so when I brought it up to my mom I felt a lot of push back from her, probably because of her separation anxiety but I think she was claiming that her reaction was because she didn't want my dads feelings to be hurt if I didn't stay to enjoy the meal he had cooked. After talking to my dad about it, he seemed fine with it and agreed that yeah, I'm an adult and should be able to choose what I do and don't do. When I told her that he was fine with it, she was surprised and agreed but I still felt that she was torn between wanting me to stay and letting me go do my own thing cuz that's what would make me happier.
I know it was a long story but I've been stuck here for 18 years and becoming aware of the toxicity of the house I live in for only about 4-5 years now. I really need help, I don't yet have the financials to move out but I want to grow and mature into my own person. I don't have a therapist and I would really like one who fits me and my circumstances but at the same time, I'm not sure how positively my family would react to the changes that would be suggested by my therapist if I were to get one. If anyone has any advice on how to start healing from this situation, feel free to say something. I'm open to hearing what might help.
Hi... look up the UA-cam channel. "How to ADHD". The host is really sweet, funny and personal. It has about 975k subscribers. It has helped me a good deal. I am 44. She usually starts the videos with "hello brains". lol. I think you'll like the channel. Hang in there.
Are you me? I'm 23 but same. Undiagnosed ADHD/executive dysfunction preventing me from being an autonomous adult yet.
@@Billn1971 Hey there! I'm actually subscribed to her and I agree, she is always very welcoming and personal. Can you think of any videos of hers in particular you think may help me?
I feel so,overwhelmed with unresolved,guilt,Sadness and Anger.
My 74yr old,sister has caused me to feel suffocated in my own
home,her place has had so many problems.First,there was a
Bug problem,then a flood.I let her stay with me for 10 months.
I paid the extra rent.Then she went home,another,issue.I am,so
tired of just not having my own space.
This is a really good one to talk about and so relevant!! We've had the hotel talk with family and it wasn't easy but I feel so much better about visiting now knowing that we'll at least be comfortable!
Hello people just clicked on to watch this new Kati video and definitely a good talk topic with the Christmas holiday comeing soon it can definitely be a stressful time and yes theres alout of expectations for some people it's more stressful around Christmas time and comeing up to Christmas I usually get stressed out before Christmas and over Christmas so meany reasons depending on people s life s and situations there's family stresses / money problems getting stressed because you may have to be around people you don't like or feel comfortable being around good video 🙂
Yess! A video of guilt from parents!
You got it!! xoxo
I want to be strong enough to handle my family. I want to carry my adult self and energy to my childhood home. I love my family and I miss them, but staying with them is stressful.
Thanks Kati!
I think this is going to be especially hard this year because most of us are feeling isolated and lonely and want that familial connection-toxic or not…
Totally. If you have friends or healthier people you can reach out to and see, I would encourage you to do that :) That way we don't have to engage with any toxic relationship. xoxo
I'd rather feel isolate and lonely than being guilted and hassled.
I'd love to see a video dealilng on guilt and shame with the family.
Thank you Kati! 😊 Please make the guilt tripping from the family one, if you have time. ❤️
Thank you for this. Dealing with guilt from our families would be a good video!
KATI, grateful that you made this video. A timely topic, Boundaries.
Here's another related thing: it is certainly good when you call ahead of time and let folks know, for example, about staying in a Motel. But (here's an idea for another video) what do you do when:
It isn't so much about you telling everyone know the boundaries before they come to your place, what do you do when they TAKE OVER once they get there. For example, suppose you had splans plans to take the family out to "X" restaurant for dinner tonight. But in the afternoon, after lunch, your sister who even you conceed is a better cook, goes to some butcher shop, buys a bunch of food, brings it back to your place and then announces she's cooking dinner for everyone tonight, in your kitchen, without having asked you firs. But say, yer Mom, will defend your sister, and try to get all the rest of the family to agree because after all, "everyone knows sis can cook better than you." What now?
That may be True. But this is your house! Should they really just get to come in and take over? I think not. But-- if you say anything at all, YOU will be accused of being petty, or un-appreciative and half a dozen other things! Any recommendations to avoid this?
Or, you dont allow smoking in yer house.
But Uncle Harry lights-one-up anyway, dismissing you and saying: aww, hell. We're family. Open a window and quit bit*hing."
And everyone luvs uncle harry. There you are, dismissed and run over. IN YOUR OWN HOUSE.
I feel it should be "your house, your rules" but what if the people you have over "outvote" you? (Why should it be up for a vote all? Isn't it usually always the same 1 or 2 relatives who persistently try to run things? They can at their house. But what about when they try to do so in yours?
On a more minor scale, your sister or brother is riding in your car with you, and you have your favorite music on. But they want you to turn it off. Itslike2 animals meeting in the wild. Who will "establish dominance"? Your car, your rules. Just like in your house. But they will fight you tooth nail. i.e...
1."Play that crap on YER OWN Time"
reply: excuse me? every day I'm still alive is my-own-time. and this is my car. No one held a gun to your head or forced you to ride with me.
2. Them: well, 20 minutes without it won't kill you.
reply: and 20 minutes WITH it wont kill you, either. Its my car.
3. You're selfish and inconsiderate
comment: if you give in to this...how long do you think it will be, before they also find yet another way for you to back down, be "considerate" and do whatever, their way? and on and on and on it goes.....makes a guy wanna move to Argentina. sigh.
I am still not sure if I can do a good hug and roll, but I really love how you explained it! Thank you for reminding us, that we do have a choice, even with all the weird family traditions around christmas.
Disappointing events can happen anytime Christmas is no exception.
My aunt is the worst in my family with enmeshment because she can not see us as separate people. I like this so the whole family naturally likes this because we are family and therefore we are all the same! She has literally said that many times! And she gets so emotionally dysregulated when I say no I don’t like that or no I don’t want to do that. She gets irate when I can’t eat something. I have celiac disease and multiple food allergies. I can’t just eat something to appease your ego! And it always turns into this big ridiculous argument. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even react. I just get up and leave the room without saying a word. And she’s flipping out like a toddler having a tantrum because I am not doing what she thinks I should do and she is older than me so I have to listen to her. I have to obey her wishes. I’m in my 40s and she treats me like I’m 7! She constantly disrespects me and then demands respect because she is my elder! And when I say respect is earned and I don’t have to respect being treated like a child, having my boundaries constantly disrespect and ignored and then be demanded to do things regardless of how I feel or my ability to actually do it! She gets passive aggressive when I say I don’t know how to do something. You just don’t want to! You’re just trying to upset me! It’s always like I am a bad child being defiant! She’s changed her approach in recent years where it starts out as “can you please…” but phrasing it like a question is just a polite way of saying I want you to do this so you need to do this! Because if you don’t it turns into a whole dramatic thing that nobody cares about her and nobody will help her and is she really that bad of a person that nobody wants to help her! One time I responded with yes you are that bad of a person because you don’t respect other people’s feelings and limits or anything, yet you demand, manipulate and guilt trip people until you get your way! And I don’t care how much you tantrum, if I say no then it’s no! It’s not a maybe if you annoy me enough I’ll give in! Not that long ago I told her that she emotionally rapes people! You force people into doing things that they don’t want to do just to shut you up! That’s an emotional violation of a person’s autonomy! I’m just done! It’s not that I don’t care about her but I need to care about me more. I need to respect my own boundaries and enforce them. And if that’s uncomfortable and angering then that’s the biggest red flag that you have emotional dysregulation and enmeshment issues! And I can’t help anyone but myself! But in helping myself I need to set boundaries and enforce them! And if that makes me a mean selfish person that doesn’t care about my family then so be it! You’re entitled to think, feel and believe whatever you want but you are not entitled to dictate what I think, feel and believe! And no I will not apologize because I’m not sorry for hurting your feelings by asserting my autonomy! That’s your problem to work through! I am not responsible for your feelings! Nor should you expect me to be! I have gone no contact multiple times and I just did again! She started playing this game of “your mother said you would do this for me!” Or “your sister needs you to come over and help with (something for her!)” I communicate with them both regularly and if I said I’m not able to do something, trying to convince me that the whole family is on your side and insisting I do something, that’s not going to magically make me able to do it! And I’m not going to cancel my plans, even if I’m sitting on the couch watching tv all night, it’s my time and I’m not going to get up and go do what you want me to, at a moment’s notice, because “I’m not really doing anything anyway so there’s no reason why I can’t do what she wants me to!” There’s a perfectly good reason why I can’t! I don’t want to! I don’t need to make up an excuse and give a long detailed exaggerated explanation as to why I can’t just to justify my saying no! No is a complete sentence! “No!” End of conversation! Go learn to self regulate! Your emotions are not my responsibility❗️
Good for you! It's so hard to stand up to people like that
Happy holidays everyone ☺️🎄. Hug and roll,. Never heard that term until this video. Love it 🤗🥰
Happy holidays!
i solved that problem years ago i stay in my room with my laptop and all problems get solved on their own that way
harder when my sister was around and made it so i needed to switch where my room was in order to be left alone but either way laptop plus a room all to myself works
for family dinners at restaurants so a public area making it so things ended up being a bit better and i didnt mind that as much or at a cousins house and i usually enjoyed that and animals sometimes there to play with when bored
Thank you I really appreciate this video and I’m going to implement the hug and roll method more effectively now.
Thank you
You're welcome
I am taking care of myself; healing.
Holidays are the most miserable, regretful time of the year. I wish i had spent more time with my grandparents My fault? Yes it is . Everything is blown up by garish lights and politeness
Yeahhhh if you could do a dealing with family guilt video that’d be great 😩
Omg can we really have a video for the how to manage the guilt from family?
This is helpful to me. I'm 37 years old but my mother basically wants to live under my skin. Expecting me to do everything for her, is at my home 30+ hours a week (lunch til 9pm 3 days... 12 hours on a Saturday) which means she eats at mine, I cook, yes she contributes to the food. But she has ZERO independence. She doesn't shop on her own, go to appointments, nothing. I have started putting in limits, I've claimed Wednesday as my day so I can clean my home and do what I need or want to do... Fridays&sundays I see my partner. The rest she takes up with what she needs/wants of me.
So she now lives literally across the road from the hospital, she asked me to take her to her appointment there!! Was only a blood test, nothing major. I put my foot down and said no ☺️
I'm sorry to say but I love unfiltered therapists 🤣 makes it feel more real
@Kati Morton thank you for sharing this video Kati I always get very stressed out before the Christmas holiday and over Christmas I live with my family so I just have Christmas with them sadly I don't have any other family members who are close or that I see anymore your video was very helpful
My brother came back after escaping his abusive partner but he keeps putting himself & his kids in comprising situations & so often makes the family overstep (if we don't take up the responsibility x will or won't happen) & it's so hard to draw that line when theyre little kids & you live in the same house. I really hope he gets the help he needs.
Needed this so much today. Thank you 💕
love you kati and i needed this as the holidays are coming up
xoxo
Kati - point on. Thank you ❤
Great video with good insight. Being around family can bring up unhealed wounds and trauma.
Not the family that's complicating it, it's people I know casually who invite me over because they think I'll be too lonely and maybe are just feeling sorry for me. I don't need or desire pity. It's hard for me to tell them that I just don't feel comfortable at someone's house when I would feel like the stranger there and just have anxiety. Even the thought of it brings that feeling on but I don't really know how to get across the thank you but no thank you without it being misunderstood. Puts me in an awkward situation of, do I talk about my anxiety or just lie and say I already have been invited by someone else?
I know this may sound weird, but does your family know that you have anxiety? If not, it may be worth discussing with them (and in therapy), so that both you and your family can work on ways to help you feel more comfortable, or at least more neutral (as Kati would say). Then, if that can get more established, you can work on seeing them and staying for longer periods of time....like you can start with doing Facetime or Zoom, then maybe 15 minutes at their place or something. It's just a thought.
Honestly hate when family members ask personal questions, each year I get questioned regarding what is wrong with me for not having a partner. Some people you just don’t want to see even on the holiday’s and even if they are family.
I had to cancel my flight back home cause I don't feel as ease in these times with covid and the new variant cause im scared i might not get back into the country afterwards and getting stuck where my family is, would be mentally draining and exhausting. This also included having to cancel visiting work and a close friend of mine and despite explaining that i would have felt like shit and the possible quarantine after an already mentally draining trip would send me into depression... I had to deal with said friend's guilting me about it.
I held my ground and I cancelled anwyay. but wow it feels shitty. I GET that it's just anger/sadness and lashing out but... the whole "im disappointed" and "you just wanna be comfortable" and shit really got to me.
My family (although a very dysfunctional one) is even more understanding and that's just... ah. .___.
I'm proud of myself for doing what feels best and right FOR ME though. At least this way I wont be flying and be stressed and worried ninstop over things. ToT
But it really sucks letting people down/being the source of other people's idsappointment and feeling as though you suck as a person casue of it. ToT
...rrandom ramble but. ey. the feeling you get when you can't live up to expectations as a people pleaser sucks :(
Katie you seem tired. Thank you for this video. Just remember to take care of yourself too and not to overwork yourself just for our sake. Happy holidays! 🌲💕
Expectations are resentments under construction.
Words to live by! When you surrender your will to the expectations of others, you give away all your power to those imposing them upon you, leaving you in a state of constant approval seeking, or in a stare lack.
Take your power back k and say no, with no apologies.
My own crisis this past week was my own fault. I have a toxic aunt that has been shunned by various family members (including my wife) because she is ultra toxic, hateful, cruel and always alone on Thanksgiving. This year our family drove six hours to my brother's house, to spend the night prior to Thanksgiving Thursday. As we drove up the drive way, Toxic Aunt was in the circle before my brother's house, unloading her car. So in the middle of the night my wife indicated that she wasn't spending one night under the same roof with Toxic Aunt. I assumed brother and his wife had more sense than to put us all together but alas I was mistaken. As we drove off, Toxic Aunt was smiling. Mission accomplished.
The hug and roll sounds like a “shit sandwich” with boundaries. (Compliment, “shit”/constructive feedback, compliment). I like it.
I definitely missed out on calling it shit sandwich.. (face palm) that would have been so much better!! hahah!! xoxo
I set boundaries with a fence.🏗🧱
I am not scared; Dad ignores my boundaries(most of the time) and tried to make me feel guilty for having them. I was 12 1/2 when this started. I didn't trust him then, now, or in the future; he gave me many reasons not to trust him.
As many times as I’ve tried, it’s like they either don’t understand or don’t even care. I try to have real conversations with them when my boundaries get pushed and it’s like completely blown over and it’s expected of me to be more of a parent/adult, then they ever were to me if that makes any sense. I’m so exhausted 😭
Check out Dr. Ramani’s videos on narcissistic parents. I find them very helpful. It sounds like your parents might be like mine.
Just want to say that I like the editing at the beginning!
Aww thanks. We're trying to change things up a bit :)
enmeshment is real--and also difficult to disentangle from ....
I haven't been able to celebrate Christmas with my family for 6 years due to my chronic pain and being mostly bedbound. (I'm 34 now.) On the one hand, it's sad, especially because I miss the kids (nephew/nieces) and I'm the only person who let's them know they are good the way they are. On the other hand, I will have much less stress and toxic relationships. I did therapy but they didn't.
But usually on Christmas Eve and especially New Year I often struggle feeling so alone and hopeless 🥺 But I'm gonna make it through somehow.
My problem here is that what if you felt this feeling “all the time”…every year your family expects this or that of you….so, what then? Is it a deal breaker after you’ve realized it’s just not working out? What then?
My dad/his (one of) brother and their (now, late) mother tried to shame me into going with what the senior members want; that my needs didn't matter. It was oppressive!
Im Literally void of boundaries. I don't know boundaries between me and other people and even with my kids. Idk how to interact with my children so I just avoid it. I'm so terrified of crossing boundaries I can't see that I just avoid it all together. I go into a spiral when my kids are needing affection and attention and idk what I'm doing. I end up frustrated, scared, and panicking. Idk what to do anymore. I'm so scared of hurting them or them doing something that triggers me. I live in constant fear. I'm a s.a. survivor of about 25 years as well as abusive relationships since.
Thank you for this!🙂
Appreciate you.
Thank you.
‘Hug and roll’ is the pleasant explanation of ‘the $h!t sandwich’ 🥪
Thank you!!!
Like i have my sister, who can be so freaking rude and not be aware of it. And when i try to set boundaries, like i specifically said “please don’t treat me that way, if you want some time, just communicate that without the need to be rude” she turns this into an argument saying stuff “you should have known” and blah blah and then ends it with “look i just woke up and am dealing with so much, give me a break” and I’m literally so confused. Like i don’t know what’s going on in ur head and that’s why i’m asking her to communicate that. (She’s 32 btw)
yes.
Dad's famly(some of them) acted as if my standing up and saying no/complaining was disrespectrul/rude/unacceptable and out of line! I felt oppressed all the time. Unreal! They were out of line, not me, they wouldn't listen to a single complaint.
Especially when it was a valid complaint!
Hey Kati! I know you probably won't read this but I was considering not going to my family's Christmas party. Ive been extremely depressed and I KNOW people are going to ask me about school and work. Ive dealt with depression for more than 10 years and just dropped out of university (after 6 years trying to complete a bachelor's degree....) because I have no executive functioning and am unable to complete my schooling in my condition. Just the thought of my family asking me about school makes me nervous and sad because if I'm honest and say I dropped out its not going well and I have no plans, I feel like I'm going to cry and I don't want to. If I say I don't want to discuss it it's rude. And I can't lie because my parents are aware and will probably talk about me to them. What should I do? I know I shouldn't avoid the whole thing for that reason because I really enjoy Christmas with my family. Thanks for your videos and have a great Christmas!
Hi. Don't let them play the victim for you standing up for your boundaries and own mental health. Hang in there. I'm 44 and been learning to say "no" more often to my family.
I hope you have yourself the gift of not going. If you did go, please don’t hesitate in future to relax in the deliciousness of a holiday spent home alone(if that’s what you need to do for yourself.) Holidays are so challenging for so many of us because of family expectations, difficult relationships, and boundaries.
Katie i am on the spectrum of autism... But I am having a hard time understanding why I get in equal or lesser relationships. A week ago, I was obligated to push the guy I am staying with bit he told his family I put hands on him.
Maam. Can you recommend some good books for therapy? I'm a clinical psychologist.
Katiiii i love youuuuuuuuu
What if your family does not care how you feel?
Don’t reinforce their behavior by arguing about it/entertaining a discussion. Many times, the best choice is to set the boundary and exit the situation. Some people (who walk all over boundaries) require super duper assertive, straightforward communication.
Then I guess that means it’s totally okay for you not to care how they feel.
@@WriterSnider ok
@@WriterSnider correct.
Took years to figure that out.
Hey idk how to get ahold of you but I was wondering if you could do a video on abduction, captivity and torture because I explained those things from Jan 2019 to August 2019.
My dad's family(below mentioned members; not all) expected love and submission; No "roll"
Gracias 🥰🥰