Emma, thank you so much for having me on! It was such a pleasure meeting you and chatting with you. The holidays can be such a stressful time, so this was perfect timing. I can’t wait to sit down with my husband and watch it after our family festivities today. So grateful for you-Happy Thanksgiving!
@@Bob-B-. Off the top of my head, I think 'guilt fades and resentment lingers' is a good phrase to remember. This helps you mind your boundary, even if it makes you feel guilty, as lingering and building resentment is much worse in the long run.
Hi jess, could you link your free resource? I couldnt find it on Google and Id love to take a look? Thank you so much for putting this work out into the world, its immensely helpful to hear these role modelled scenarios ❤ all the best
Looking soft and gentle, but quietly building resentment. That is me. Except once in a while I do snap and it looks like I am over reacting and emotional about something small but it's because I have been waiting too long to deal with it.
I had a dear friend who would periodically explode with anger and verbal abuse. She would recover her equilibrium, a few days later and we’d just pretend it had never happened. I loved her and really wanted the relationship to survive so I would deal with the emotional aftermath of these episodes for weeks. I finally reached the point where I decided that it was costing me too much, and wounding my dignity and so I requested that she apologize for her behavior. She ignored that request and so we are no longer close. I wish now that I had framed that request as a boundary. “I really value our friendship, but if we are going to continue to be friends, I will need for you to apologize for this last outburst“. I don’t think it would’ve made a difference because she doesn’t do apologies. I deeply miss that friendship, but there is a psychological cost when you don’t set personal boundaries Thank you!
Love this conversation. I set a boundary with a friend and now we don't speak. It's quite a sad situation and the people pleaser in me wanted to try to make amends. However, it highlighted a fundamental issue of respect that was lacking. Now I have a new situation which I'm really not sure how to navigate with kindness. The work is ongoing it seems 😅
I totally understand, but it’s better for you to set a boundary and remain consistent. I wished early on in my teens and early 20’s I would set boundaries, it would have saved alot of trauma and hurt for me.
In my opinion we have lost the ability to communicate, we are not very resilient, super sensitive and have no clue about boundaries. I did separate from my family for a bit, I pursued therapy during that time to get myself healthy and strong. Now I am able to be a cog in the wheel so I can set boundaries and that helps all around me to become healthy!! in my opinion, Division in families can contribute to a nation spiraling down. Thank you both for what you’re doing to help families!!
Thank you so much for sharing your valuable perspective and personal story. It’s inspiring to see how you took charge of what you could control and the incredible progress you’ve made as a result.
My therapist have taught me how to use boundaries (I never really had them) and my life has gotten so much better. Btw-my therapist is awesome. :) and she’s the one that recommended your channel!:)
Really enjoyed this conversation. All of the mentions of "nice" reminded me of how women in the US are conditioned to be nice rather than take care of theirselves. This can be dangerous because it means that we are teaching our girls that it's not okay to say no, even in unsafe situations. With my granddaughter, we're trying to teach her how to be kind but also feel comfortable setting boundaries. As a two year old, she's very good at saying "no!" So we're trying to teach kindness but not condition her that it's not okay to say no.
The annoying part is when other people you’re trying to set a boundary with try to gaslight you into thinking you’re the aggressor just for trying to sit down boundaries or be assertive. That or they misinterpret assertiveness for aggressiveness.
@ Communication is important & the frustration of communicating with a NarcNessMonster taught me that, as it’s nearly impossible to communicate with such people.
This episode was so good, so useful to have boundaries vs requests explained and how to set boundaries calmly and decide between your options. Also the rephrasing for how boundaries are good for the relationship for both ourselves and the other person avoiding resentment and ultimatums when we feel pushed too far because we never set boundaries in the first place!
Alas, seeking advice on boundaries often means there's somebody in your life who has a habit of not respecting them. And it is very, very difficult not to be snappy when you are saying something for, like, the hundredth time. Also, there are people who simply refuse to hear what you're saying unless you amplify it with negative emotion. Sad but true. My grandmother was like that.
Thanks Emma for this valuable video with your guest Jess, I really appreciate your efforts to help people like me to be able to be assertive and have the courage to speak up to set healthy boundaries.
Thank you for sharing that-I can absolutely relate as a recovering people-pleaser myself. It’s such a journey to recognize your worth and find the courage to set healthy boundaries, but it’s so worth it. I’m so glad this video resonated with you, and I appreciate your kind words! ❤
This is so good! I have always had a struggle with setting boundaries and then have an emotional breakdown due to feeling overwhelmed and stepped all over. And I have always felt that if I set boundaries I was being mean. Thank you for sharing all this information.
I feel your comment so deeply because I’ve been there, too. I remember hearing a speaker once say, “The worst person you can betray is yourself because you’re always with you-you can’t escape.” That really hit me and shifted how I think about boundaries. I hope this resonates with you and helps you get started, the way it did for me. We truly deserve to have limits. ❤
Yes! One of the most powerful quotes that resonated with me when I first started my journey with boundaries was, "Boundaries are the purest form of self-care." I came across it during a time when I was practicing little to no self-care as a young mom, struggling to juggle everything and feeling like there was no time to focus on myself. Thank you for sharing this beautiful reminder.
I love this !!! I matter, I matter ! I must remember this over and over until I learn how to set boundaries. I have so many resentments because I don’t set healthy boundaries. Explaining my “ Whys” is so important. Thank you so much !!
I’m so glad this resonated with you! Yes, you do matter-reminding yourself of that is such an important step. Learning to set boundaries takes time, but understanding your 'why' is such a powerful foundation and helps us push through the boundary guilt. You’re already on the right path, and I’m cheering you on as you continue this journey. ❤
I know that feeling all too well. I often think about how much stress and family tension could have been avoided if I had understood how boundaries worked when our kids were younger. But you’re absolutely right-it’s never too late to learn and grow. ❤
Thank you for such an excellent video. I'd already realised my bro believed his way was the only way, but having happened to reread one of his demanding and shaming emails just before watching this, well! I've now had a huge lightbulb moment!! He has absolutely no understanding of boundaries, but more importantly, I've realised I wasn't 'disobedient', I've simply been shamed and disparaged within my family for wanting to set boundaries. 'No' has been such an ugly word for me with my folks. However, it was the shift from being castigated for 'requesting' boundaries, to strategies for rewording and thus setting boundaries that I'm really taking forward. Thank you. I'd felt such mixed emotions of shame, failure, resentment, and everything in between! for not wanting to 'give in' to my family's 'wishes'/demands. There's no space to repair or reestablish a relationship with my family, but at least I now realise that I do not need to feel ashamed for taking care of myself 🙏
This brings up so many questions for me and I am just learned how to set boundaries! I hate others who think that they can set them but I can't! That's very frustrating for me! It works both ways.
Learning to set boundaries is such a big step, and it’s normal to feel frustrated when others don’t respect them. The important thing to remember is that your boundaries are about what you can control-how you protect your time, energy, well-being and relationships. Even if others don’t like them or wish you wouldn’t set limits, you still have the right to, and you’re not doing anything wrong by prioritizing yourself. ❤
I enjoyed the awareness of the difference between a boundary of what I’m willing to experience or receive and a request of what I would like others to do. It’s sounds in alignment with NVC and standing up for your own needs while still holding care for others needs.
Thank you. I have a couple of incidents in the past that I did not handle setting boundaries well. Most are gone since I retired. All except the one with my only sibling.
Thank you ladies soo much !! Exactly what I needed to hear ! What about when alcohol is involved always, but that comes along with the person being sober whom I adore, until.... drinks very fast and is gone within an hour, 2 hours max but continues for hours. How do I be respectful without having to talk to an adult ( mother in law) about their constantly repeating their self with same stories I've listened to for years. No exaggeration. Thank you !
I can relate to setting limits with consequences as a "last Hail Mary" because praying a Hail Mary always helps me when I'm super-stressed about setting limits, boundaries - or anything for that matter! 🙏
This was very grounding and insightful. Really appreciate the topic. Jess really simplified things down to useful strategies. Thank you for the content.
Thank you SO much for the note about religious influences. I have had a tough time navigating that balance, as well as the difference between self-love and being selfish, when the moral/religious charge is to be selfless.
IMO during the writing of the Bible we see examples of people knowing how beautifully and wonderfully they are made (Psalm 139) and the respect of self nurturing but maybe that's my interpretation. One of my best friends is a priest and I often remind him that self-care isn't selfish, it's necessary. We are made in his image and personal growth, mental, physical and spiritual well-being is part of that path to a closer walk with God. If someone is constantly in survival mode, then they are just surviving instead of growing. We need space for quiet contemplation in our walk. I hope that perspective helps in some small way ❤
I just reached out to show kindness, and a moment later, this message came to me on my UA-cam app. God is so good. We must rise above any pain we may be feeling, especially during the holiday season. Stay strong in the Lord and his ways. Isaiah 55-8-9.
I think this would be excellently applied to dealing with children also. Especially ways to not take on the frustration of teenagers ignoring your boundaries.
Thank you so much both of you! This conversation was incredibly helpful. Thank you, Emma for asking such great questions, that I can relate to so much. Definitely a lot to think about and to learn from.
I need to set boundaries with my messy teen daughter. Without a fight. But she must start putting stuff in the bin, put mugs in dishwasher. Just basics.
Im going through a lot right now I have friends that I mistakenly be in there business and now I know that I am not here to fix people or make people happy or gossip and not be in the middle but right now I just want to be thankful of what I have 😢😢😢😢❤
Your struggle is a hard one because you care so much for your friends. But at the end of the day, you can not save them from the choices they choose to make. Try your best in God's strength to never say " I told you so" but show love, kindness, and support if it's needed because nothing heals the wounds of our souls like the power of love!
I seem to be super sensitive , since a stroke, listening to my friend’s negative stuff .. mostly very negative.. I have told them for my own wellbeing that I can not listen to the negativity, but if the have positive stuff I would love to hear it.. since I did that the 2 that are very negative, are both angry and giving me the silent treatment!
All I have ever wanted was a happy, loving, close, supportive family. I have 2 of my 4 children that have chosen to completely cut me off for over 10 years. Emma, I mourn everyday for the family I have always dreamed of. I am in counseling and I do everything I can to keep myself going. What do you do when life is so painful and you feel like there is nothing you can do?
I’m so sorry to hear this. Your situation is truly heartbreaking. It sounds like you are doing so many good and healthy things to keep yourself going. Sometimes, that really is all we can do-and it is enough. ❤ Continue focusing on your own healing and the relationships you still have in your life, while holding space for the possibility of mending the others in the future.
Thanks for the topic. I heard the difference between a suggestion (or request) and a boundary. Think I will be mindful of this in my boundary selection. Perhaps I will feel more respected, effective and empowered.
That’s such an important shift, and I completely relate. Realizing that it’s within my control-whether the other person respects my request or not-was a game changer for me. It took away so much resentment and helped me feel more grounded. I hope this perspective helps you find that same sense of peace and empowerment! ❤
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so glad the video was helpful for you, especially as you’re heading to spend time with family. Wishing you a peaceful and meaningful Thanksgiving! ❤
This was amazing, I really needed to hear it. I’m going to apply so much of what I learned from this episode so current situation I am dealing with. Thank you again!
I’m so glad the timing was right and that you’re able to take something helpful from this. Wishing you all the best as you work through your situation. ❤
This is a wonderful video very informative. I wonder if like a vast majority of people set boundaries like this would the reception of them would make others change their approach. I was fired on my job and one of the problems was when I said they didn't gave me the tools and ambiet I needed to make my job to their expectations or that the amount of work was overwhelming for a team of two people with no internet no computers not even a desk. So they just labeled me as conflictive (obviously there's more to this story but well)
I will set boundaries from now on and be careful who l hang out with the next perseon that crosses my line l will get a restraining order put against them 👍.
I was thinking if Grandma doesn't leave, just say "Thanks for coming. I am going to go give the kids their baths." If there is noone to talk to and you've said goodbye then there is nothing to do but leave?! This shows that you meant it. I love that Grandma was sweet. 🩷😍
I am recovering from burnout and I was unable to set boundaries, until now. Thank you both for this content, it was eye-opening. I would love to dive deeper into the subject of setting boundaries with narcicissts, because I tried to set a boundary with my mother (who my therapist identified as a person with narcissistic tendencies) and it happened exactly, what you were talking about: it turned into a power struggle. That was not my intention at all and I didn‘t see it coming. Maybe if you will consider doing a follow-up, the topic would be interesting for family or work situations… Greetings from Germany.
I was always happy and joking, but a few things bothered me. I decided to set a few boundaries. Very normal and worded it very nicely. The person seemed to take it well and was so nice about it. They got drunk and went crazy about a week later. They said they remembered everything I said. I didn't really understand what they meant and they didn't comment much. About a week after that they confessed how they don't wanna hurt me etc and ended things. On one hand I wish I never said anything and on the other hand at least I now know they were never really there for me. That is one thing with setting boundaries is you have to be ready for things to end if you do
The way the boundary is communicated is so important. Explain why so they understand. Soft, kind and firm. In person is best. Text is the worst as most language is body language. Also, you may need a back and forth discussion. Texting is the worst for this:)
There's a huge part of being kind to yourself and allowing yourself some space to choose where you spend your time and energy, but also giving those excuses about those not respecting what you were feeling (that their hands wondered too far south when they hugged, but they just didn't mean it that way) isn't giving them the chance to tell you who they really are. If you aren't interested in that kind of interaction/relationship but you don't tell them, then it will take that much longer for them to understand you aren't compatible
Yes I agree. My husband struggles to respect my boundaries even though I respect his. He has BPD though so it's hard. But I don't make excuses for him either.
I was in a friend group where we would play dnd. At first everything was nice but I quickly realized I was dismissid control led and in general not being treated right. I said I feel this way if things don't change I'll just leave the game. They tried to say things would change but it was apparent they only wanted for me to not leave the game so they could still play. I put my foot down and they immediately became accusatory so I left, felt great since then, people don't have the power to make you miserable if you don't give it to them
Boundary guilt is so often what makes us hesitate or back away from setting boundaries. I hope the discussion around that gave you a fresh perspective that feels helpful. That guilt just shows that we’re good people who care-it’s proof of our empathy, not a reason to stop protecting ourselves.
After every conversation business or otherwise where you may need proof that it took place I recommend following up with an email summarizing the conversation then should they renege you will have evidence especially in employment situations
I gave up on 30 years of trying with my mother in law. Some will never accept me. Tried everything. No hope. I had to set a boundary and she was not ok with that. Done people pleasing. Insulted the last time. Have you save the last milligram of self respect. She cut off ties. Her loss. Sad thing is nobody in my family stood up for me.
Sometimes, we have to be the forerunner in a situation and stand alone or be walked upon and ignored for what seems like forever. The most important thing that you could have done for yourself ( mentally, emotionally and physically) was to say to " no more " and yet harbor no bitterness, anger or hatred in your heart towards your mother-in-law or your family members because we do not have to " like everyone but we do have to love everyone." Also, keep in mind that we are not promised a rose garden and along with the sunshine ( if there is any) there is gonna be a little rain sometimes.😊😢 ❤
Unfortunately that is response is all too common, even in our birth family. I would come home from school to find my mother wearing my underwear, or a dress that was special to me. She had promised me she would never wear it. What 49 year old woman wants to dress like a 13 year old? At age 67, I can say it has only remained constant, despite my boundaries. It is painful to be with her. It is not a matter of love... It is a matter of self centeredness. No, it isn't that I am too sensitive. It is that she is insensitive.
In the example you gave about the food order, your mother in law was not treating YOU good either. It wasnt just you not upholding your own boundaries; your mil was not respecting your needs and boundaries. Also, I have heard boundaries described as "the edges of our authenticity" because if you do not set or enforce boundaries you are not being true to yourself and the other person cannot truly see you, understand your needs, etc. Pretending you are ok with something when you are not is inauthentic.
This is gold. Thank you. I liked the explanation of the difference between a request and a boundary. Personally, I think the daughter-in-law saying that the in laws could not move any closer than 30 miles was kind of outrageous. And symptomatic of this generation that doesn’t value extended family sadly. I guess you can figure out what generation I’m from lol. However, it is not at all out of line to say “we can handle one three hour visit a week” for instance.
Posture affects mental health so that’s one thing I am working on. I have been doing posture exercises almost daily. There’s a guy on UA-cam called the posture guy and I follow his tips.
Setting boundaries is a great way to measure how healthy your friendships are, and how much your loved ones actually care about your emotional well being. I told this woman don't tell people my personal business. It's gossip, it's none of their business I need you to respect my privacy. She told me it's not gossip. She's sharing personal information about me to people I've never met so she can regulate her emotions, but it's not gossip. I told her I dont like her talking about my personal business to people, especially people I've never met. You can already guess what she said... it's actually kinda funny how stupid and predictable this line is. "I'm sorry you feel that way." Awesome... now I know exactly who I'm dealing with. You just gotta block some people. It's a waste of time and energy. "Those without compassion cannot see what is seen through the eyes of compassion." ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Improve your mental health with the free course, courses.therapyinanutshell.com/grounding-skills-for-anxiety-stress-and-ptsd
Emma, thank you so much for having me on! It was such a pleasure meeting you and chatting with you. The holidays can be such a stressful time, so this was perfect timing. I can’t wait to sit down with my husband and watch it after our family festivities today. So grateful for you-Happy Thanksgiving!
Thank you so much for your un invaluable Help 🙏❤️👋
@@OfeliaCastillo-o4m you're very welcome :)
Do you have a catchphrase to help us remember key issues? Boundaries are so hard to remember in the moment especially when things get heated.
@@Bob-B-. Off the top of my head, I think 'guilt fades and resentment lingers' is a good phrase to remember. This helps you mind your boundary, even if it makes you feel guilty, as lingering and building resentment is much worse in the long run.
Hi jess, could you link your free resource? I couldnt find it on Google and Id love to take a look? Thank you so much for putting this work out into the world, its immensely helpful to hear these role modelled scenarios ❤ all the best
Looking soft and gentle, but quietly building resentment. That is me. Except once in a while I do snap and it looks like I am over reacting and emotional about something small but it's because I have been waiting too long to deal with it.
Story of my life
Kind boundaries protect your peace while respecting others-strength and compassion in action.
Beautifully said. ❤
I had a dear friend who would periodically explode with anger and verbal abuse. She would recover her equilibrium, a few days later and we’d just pretend it had never happened. I loved her and really wanted the relationship to survive so I would deal with the emotional aftermath of these episodes for weeks. I finally reached the point where I decided that it was costing me too much, and wounding my dignity and so I requested that she apologize for her behavior. She ignored that request and so we are no longer close. I wish now that I had framed that request as a boundary. “I really value our friendship, but if we are going to continue to be friends, I will need for you to apologize for this last outburst“. I don’t think it would’ve made a difference because she doesn’t do apologies. I deeply miss that friendship, but there is a psychological cost when you don’t set personal boundaries Thank you!
Love this conversation. I set a boundary with a friend and now we don't speak. It's quite a sad situation and the people pleaser in me wanted to try to make amends. However, it highlighted a fundamental issue of respect that was lacking. Now I have a new situation which I'm really not sure how to navigate with kindness. The work is ongoing it seems 😅
I totally understand, but it’s better for you to set a boundary and remain consistent. I wished early on in my teens and early 20’s I would set boundaries, it would have saved alot of trauma and hurt for me.
In my opinion we have lost the ability to communicate, we are not very resilient, super sensitive and have no clue about boundaries. I did separate from my family for a bit, I pursued therapy during that time to get myself healthy and strong. Now I am able to be a cog in the wheel so I can set boundaries and that helps all around me to become healthy!! in my opinion, Division in families can contribute to a nation spiraling down. Thank you both for what you’re doing to help families!!
Hey that's the truth. It's like I just come from codependent people pleasing or cutting people off
Thank you so much for sharing your valuable perspective and personal story. It’s inspiring to see how you took charge of what you could control and the incredible progress you’ve made as a result.
My therapist have taught me how to use boundaries (I never really had them) and my life has gotten so much better. Btw-my therapist is awesome. :) and she’s the one that recommended your channel!:)
Really enjoyed this conversation. All of the mentions of "nice" reminded me of how women in the US are conditioned to be nice rather than take care of theirselves. This can be dangerous because it means that we are teaching our girls that it's not okay to say no, even in unsafe situations. With my granddaughter, we're trying to teach her how to be kind but also feel comfortable setting boundaries. As a two year old, she's very good at saying "no!" So we're trying to teach kindness but not condition her that it's not okay to say no.
The annoying part is when other people you’re trying to set a boundary with try to gaslight you into thinking you’re the aggressor just for trying to sit down boundaries or be assertive. That or they misinterpret assertiveness for aggressiveness.
Huge! Just called a bully. Seriously? I don't think I'm antagonizing or putting anyone down.
‼️‼️‼️
I grew up without considering boundaries, because I wasn’t taught to keep boundaries. However, learning to set authoritative boundaries.
I grew up similar. And it's a journey discovering boundaries as an adult, but one I'm so happy you and I are both taking. ❤
@ Communication is important & the frustration of communicating with a NarcNessMonster taught me that, as it’s nearly impossible to communicate with such people.
This episode was so good, so useful to have boundaries vs requests explained and how to set boundaries calmly and decide between your options. Also the rephrasing for how boundaries are good for the relationship for both ourselves and the other person avoiding resentment and ultimatums when we feel pushed too far because we never set boundaries in the first place!
Be soft or firm, but never be snappy!
You are absolutely right!!! 😊❤
Alas, seeking advice on boundaries often means there's somebody in your life who has a habit of not respecting them. And it is very, very difficult not to be snappy when you are saying something for, like, the hundredth time. Also, there are people who simply refuse to hear what you're saying unless you amplify it with negative emotion. Sad but true. My grandmother was like that.
Thanks Emma for this valuable video with your guest Jess, I really appreciate your efforts to help people like me to be able to be assertive and have the courage to speak up to set healthy boundaries.
Thank you for sharing that-I can absolutely relate as a recovering people-pleaser myself. It’s such a journey to recognize your worth and find the courage to set healthy boundaries, but it’s so worth it. I’m so glad this video resonated with you, and I appreciate your kind words! ❤
I'm so glad you mentioned "being Christ-like". You're speaking to me now!
This is so good! I have always had a struggle with setting boundaries and then have an emotional breakdown due to feeling overwhelmed and stepped all over. And I have always felt that if I set boundaries I was being mean. Thank you for sharing all this information.
I feel your comment so deeply because I’ve been there, too. I remember hearing a speaker once say, “The worst person you can betray is yourself because you’re always with you-you can’t escape.” That really hit me and shifted how I think about boundaries. I hope this resonates with you and helps you get started, the way it did for me. We truly deserve to have limits. ❤
Setting healthy boundaries is the best self care! ❤️
Yes! One of the most powerful quotes that resonated with me when I first started my journey with boundaries was, "Boundaries are the purest form of self-care." I came across it during a time when I was practicing little to no self-care as a young mom, struggling to juggle everything and feeling like there was no time to focus on myself. Thank you for sharing this beautiful reminder.
Thanks
I love this !!! I matter, I matter ! I must remember this over and over until I learn how to set boundaries. I have so many resentments because I don’t set healthy boundaries.
Explaining my “ Whys” is so important. Thank you so much !!
I’m so glad this resonated with you! Yes, you do matter-reminding yourself of that is such an important step. Learning to set boundaries takes time, but understanding your 'why' is such a powerful foundation and helps us push through the boundary guilt. You’re already on the right path, and I’m cheering you on as you continue this journey. ❤
I love this discussion! I wish I'd had some of these strategies when i was still working, but we're never too old to learn. Thank you 😊
I know that feeling all too well. I often think about how much stress and family tension could have been avoided if I had understood how boundaries worked when our kids were younger. But you’re absolutely right-it’s never too late to learn and grow. ❤
What a perfect day to upload this. Really need to practice this for being around family today
I hope you found it helpful. ❤
Thank you for such an excellent video. I'd already realised my bro believed his way was the only way, but having happened to reread one of his demanding and shaming emails just before watching this, well! I've now had a huge lightbulb moment!!
He has absolutely no understanding of boundaries, but more importantly, I've realised I wasn't 'disobedient', I've simply been shamed and disparaged within my family for wanting to set boundaries. 'No' has been such an ugly word for me with my folks.
However, it was the shift from being castigated for 'requesting' boundaries, to strategies for rewording and thus setting boundaries that I'm really taking forward.
Thank you. I'd felt such mixed emotions of shame, failure, resentment, and everything in between! for not wanting to 'give in' to my family's 'wishes'/demands. There's no space to repair or reestablish a relationship with my family, but at least I now realise that I do not need to feel ashamed for taking care of myself 🙏
This brings up so many questions for me and I am just learned how to set boundaries! I hate others who think that they can set them but I can't! That's very frustrating for me! It works both ways.
Learning to set boundaries is such a big step, and it’s normal to feel frustrated when others don’t respect them. The important thing to remember is that your boundaries are about what you can control-how you protect your time, energy, well-being and relationships. Even if others don’t like them or wish you wouldn’t set limits, you still have the right to, and you’re not doing anything wrong by prioritizing yourself. ❤
What a breath of fresh air!
I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
This is so helpful. I can't tell you how much you helped me see my problem with people pleasing in a new way. Thank you so much
@34:00 If you're shakey during setting a boundry, just remember Rosa Parks was too when she did.
Chills
I enjoyed the awareness of the difference between a boundary of what I’m willing to experience or receive and a request of what I would like others to do. It’s sounds in alignment with NVC and standing up for your own needs while still holding care for others needs.
❤ I love you, but I need this
Your videos have helped me so much! Thank you! ♥️ Congratulations on 2 million subscribers! 🎉
Fantastic, helpful episode. I HATE setting boundaries, and feel like an awful person when things get so bad that I have no choice.
Thank you. I have a couple of incidents in the past that I did not handle setting boundaries well. Most are gone since I retired. All except the one with my only sibling.
Thank you ladies soo much !! Exactly what I needed to hear ! What about when alcohol is involved always, but that comes along with the person being sober whom I adore, until.... drinks very fast and is gone within an hour, 2 hours max but continues for hours. How do I be respectful without having to talk to an adult ( mother in law) about their constantly repeating their self with same stories I've listened to for years. No exaggeration. Thank you !
I can relate to setting limits with consequences as a "last Hail Mary" because praying a Hail Mary always helps me when I'm super-stressed about setting limits, boundaries - or anything for that matter! 🙏
That's the thing....in those situation I often forget to pray
Thank you for sharing that perspective! It’s great that you’ve found something that helps ground you in those moments. 🙏
@@betmikael28 Even something quick like "Lord help me" "Come Holy Spirit" anything like that might be easier to remember?
@@MindYourBoundaries And thank you for offering some great tools for setting boundaries. I just subbed!
@@mph1ish Much appreciated! You're so welcome :)
This was very grounding and insightful. Really appreciate the topic. Jess really simplified things down to useful strategies. Thank you for the content.
What an important conversation and I love the boundary examples / ideas ❤
Thank you Emma and Jess for this very informative and helpful video!
You're so welcome. ❤ I'm glad you found it helpful!
Thank you SO much for the note about religious influences. I have had a tough time navigating that balance, as well as the difference between self-love and being selfish, when the moral/religious charge is to be selfless.
IMO during the writing of the Bible we see examples of people knowing how beautifully and wonderfully they are made (Psalm 139) and the respect of self nurturing but maybe that's my interpretation. One of my best friends is a priest and I often remind him that self-care isn't selfish, it's necessary. We are made in his image and personal growth, mental, physical and spiritual well-being is part of that path to a closer walk with God. If someone is constantly in survival mode, then they are just surviving instead of growing. We need space for quiet contemplation in our walk. I hope that perspective helps in some small way ❤
I just reached out to show kindness, and a moment later, this message came to me on my UA-cam app. God is so good. We must rise above any pain we may be feeling, especially during the holiday season. Stay strong in the Lord and his ways. Isaiah 55-8-9.
That is so special-thank you for sharing this inspiring message. It’s a beautiful reminder, especially during challenging times.
This is gold, thank you so much for sharing ❤
I think this would be excellently applied to dealing with children also. Especially ways to not take on the frustration of teenagers ignoring your boundaries.
Thank you, Emma and Jess, this has been so very helpful.
Thank you so much both of you! This conversation was incredibly helpful. Thank you, Emma for asking such great questions, that I can relate to so much. Definitely a lot to think about and to learn from.
I need to set boundaries with my messy teen daughter. Without a fight. But she must start putting stuff in the bin, put mugs in dishwasher. Just basics.
Thank you ladies I am really grateful for this conversation. ❤
Oh so gracious and helpful!! THANK YOU! 😊❤
Thank you both so much. This is incredibly helpful.
I'm glad you found it helpfu!
The emphasis on request vs boundary was very helpful.
That was such a game changer for me, too. I’m so glad it resonated with you! ❤
Perfect day to present. Wonderful message.
I’m so glad the timing and message resonated with you. Wishing you a wonderful day!
Im going through a lot right now I have friends that I mistakenly be in there business and now I know that I am not here to fix people or make people happy or gossip and not be in the middle but right now I just want to be thankful of what I have 😢😢😢😢❤
Your struggle is a hard one because you care so much for your friends. But at the end of the day, you can not save them from the choices they choose to make. Try your best in God's strength to never say " I told you so" but show love, kindness, and support if it's needed because nothing heals the wounds of our souls like the power of love!
@ thank you also what does “ i told you so” mean? Im learning in life
I told you so means " I was right and you were wrong."
I seem to be super sensitive , since a stroke, listening to my friend’s negative stuff .. mostly very negative.. I have told them for my own wellbeing that I can not listen to the negativity, but if the have positive stuff I would love to hear it.. since I did that the 2 that are very negative, are both angry and giving me the silent treatment!
All I have ever wanted was a happy, loving, close, supportive family. I have 2 of my 4 children that have chosen to completely cut me off for over 10 years.
Emma, I mourn everyday for the family I have always dreamed of. I am in counseling and I do everything I can to keep myself going. What do you do when life is so painful and you feel like there is nothing you can do?
I’m so sorry to hear this. Your situation is truly heartbreaking. It sounds like you are doing so many good and healthy things to keep yourself going. Sometimes, that really is all we can do-and it is enough. ❤ Continue focusing on your own healing and the relationships you still have in your life, while holding space for the possibility of mending the others in the future.
Thanks for the topic. I heard the difference between a suggestion (or request) and a boundary. Think I will be mindful of this in my boundary selection. Perhaps I will feel more respected, effective and empowered.
That’s such an important shift, and I completely relate. Realizing that it’s within my control-whether the other person respects my request or not-was a game changer for me. It took away so much resentment and helped me feel more grounded. I hope this perspective helps you find that same sense of peace and empowerment! ❤
Thank you so much for this wonderful video! it’s very helpful for me as I’m on my way to family on Thanksgiving!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so glad the video was helpful for you, especially as you’re heading to spend time with family. Wishing you a peaceful and meaningful Thanksgiving! ❤
This was amazing, I really needed to hear it. I’m going to apply so much of what I learned from this episode so current situation I am dealing with. Thank you again!
I’m so glad the timing was right and that you’re able to take something helpful from this. Wishing you all the best as you work through your situation. ❤
This is a wonderful video very informative. I wonder if like a vast majority of people set boundaries like this would the reception of them would make others change their approach. I was fired on my job and one of the problems was when I said they didn't gave me the tools and ambiet I needed to make my job to their expectations or that the amount of work was overwhelming for a team of two people with no internet no computers not even a desk. So they just labeled me as conflictive (obviously there's more to this story but well)
This was amazing!!! Thank you!
I will set boundaries from now on and be careful who l hang out with the next perseon that crosses my line l will get a restraining order put against them 👍.
I love your page and content it’s super helpful!
I was thinking if Grandma doesn't leave, just say "Thanks for coming. I am going to go give the kids their baths." If there is noone to talk to and you've said goodbye then there is nothing to do but leave?! This shows that you meant it. I love that Grandma was sweet. 🩷😍
That’s another great way to mind your boundary-thank you so much for sharing it. ❤
Fantastic conversation about healthy boundaries…thank you for sharing ❤
Thank you for your kind words and watching!
Perfect topic for Thanksgiving 😉
I really needed this today. Thank you.
I so need to see this right now!
I’m so glad this came at the right time for you! You’ve got this-sending you strength and support. ❤
This is really good Thank you.
I just learned a lot listening to this video . Thanks ! ❤
I am recovering from burnout and I was unable to set boundaries, until now. Thank you both for this content, it was eye-opening. I would love to dive deeper into the subject of setting boundaries with narcicissts, because I tried to set a boundary with my mother (who my therapist identified as a person with narcissistic tendencies) and it happened exactly, what you were talking about: it turned into a power struggle. That was not my intention at all and I didn‘t see it coming. Maybe if you will consider doing a follow-up, the topic would be interesting for family or work situations… Greetings from Germany.
Excellent conversation 👌 😊
Thankful for you Emma, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving
Thank you ladies for sharing ✌🏽💖🤟🏼✨️🧚♂️
I was always happy and joking, but a few things bothered me. I decided to set a few boundaries. Very normal and worded it very nicely. The person seemed to take it well and was so nice about it. They got drunk and went crazy about a week later. They said they remembered everything I said. I didn't really understand what they meant and they didn't comment much. About a week after that they confessed how they don't wanna hurt me etc and ended things. On one hand I wish I never said anything and on the other hand at least I now know they were never really there for me. That is one thing with setting boundaries is you have to be ready for things to end if you do
The way the boundary is communicated is so important. Explain why so they understand. Soft, kind and firm. In person is best. Text is the worst as most language is body language. Also, you may need a back and forth discussion. Texting is the worst for this:)
Thank you! These are such great tips and insights.
When you are with correct people,you don't need boundaries they know theirs
It sure is nice when boundaries just come easily, but I think a lot of relationships require work and they can be really good too
There's a huge part of being kind to yourself and allowing yourself some space to choose where you spend your time and energy, but also giving those excuses about those not respecting what you were feeling (that their hands wondered too far south when they hugged, but they just didn't mean it that way) isn't giving them the chance to tell you who they really are. If you aren't interested in that kind of interaction/relationship but you don't tell them, then it will take that much longer for them to understand you aren't compatible
It takes guts ❤
yes, absolutely
How to set boundaries with kindness only works on normal people
Explain?
Seriously
Boundaries with kindness works for anybody who holds others to their boundaries with kindness.
@@slowlife2158 When there's abuse, you RUN
Yes I agree. My husband struggles to respect my boundaries even though I respect his. He has BPD though so it's hard. But I don't make excuses for him either.
Definitely need this video!!! ❤❤❤
Great conversation. I enjoyed it a lot. Thank you
Thank you, i needed this ❤🙏
Very helpful ❤ using your channel to further my healing journey 😊
Thank you so much. I'm glad this was helpful and welcome to our MYB community. Please let me know if you have specific questions.❤
I was in a friend group where we would play dnd. At first everything was nice but I quickly realized I was dismissid control led and in general not being treated right. I said I feel this way if things don't change I'll just leave the game. They tried to say things would change but it was apparent they only wanted for me to not leave the game so they could still play. I put my foot down and they immediately became accusatory so I left, felt great since then, people don't have the power to make you miserable if you don't give it to them
Soooo good! It really helps me. I'm not so good on setting boundaries... I usually feel guilty.
Boundary guilt is so often what makes us hesitate or back away from setting boundaries. I hope the discussion around that gave you a fresh perspective that feels helpful. That guilt just shows that we’re good people who care-it’s proof of our empathy, not a reason to stop protecting ourselves.
Excellent conversation!
Great podcast! 😊
I love your video. It is so helpful!
I love this video. Thank you so much!
This is so helpful!
❤Thank you so much!
After every conversation business or otherwise where you may need proof that it took place I recommend following up with an email summarizing the conversation then should they renege you will have evidence especially in employment situations
I gave up on 30 years of trying with my mother in law. Some will never accept me. Tried everything. No hope. I had to set a boundary and she was not ok with that. Done people pleasing. Insulted the last time. Have you save the last milligram of self respect. She cut off ties. Her loss. Sad thing is nobody in my family stood up for me.
Sometimes, we have to be the forerunner in a situation and stand alone or be walked upon and ignored for what seems like forever. The most important thing that you could have done for yourself ( mentally, emotionally and physically) was to say to " no more " and yet harbor no bitterness, anger or hatred in your heart towards your mother-in-law or your family members because we do not have to " like everyone but we do have to love everyone." Also, keep in mind that we are not promised a rose garden and along with the sunshine ( if there is any) there is gonna be a little rain sometimes.😊😢 ❤
Unfortunately that is response is all too common, even in our birth family. I would come home from school to find my mother wearing my underwear, or a dress that was special to me. She had promised me she would never wear it. What 49 year old woman wants to dress like a 13 year old? At age 67, I can say it has only remained constant, despite my boundaries. It is painful to be with her. It is not a matter of love... It is a matter of self centeredness. No, it isn't that I am too sensitive. It is that she is insensitive.
In the example you gave about the food order, your mother in law was not treating YOU good either. It wasnt just you not upholding your own boundaries; your mil was not respecting your needs and boundaries.
Also, I have heard boundaries described as "the edges of our authenticity" because if you do not set or enforce boundaries you are not being true to yourself and the other person cannot truly see you, understand your needs, etc. Pretending you are ok with something when you are not is inauthentic.
This came just in time! My therapist has been on me about boundaries 😐😂.
Thank you. This is really helpful.
I really enjoyed this! Thank you both ❤
Glad you enjoyed it!
I loved this, thank you so much, where is the link to the guide for setting boundaries with sensitive or reactive people please.
This is super helpful, thank you
Boundaries were broken, disrespected, ❤
Thank you
This is gold. Thank you. I liked the explanation of the difference between a request and a boundary. Personally, I think the daughter-in-law saying that the in laws could not move any closer than 30 miles was kind of outrageous. And symptomatic of this generation that doesn’t value extended family sadly. I guess you can figure out what generation I’m from lol. However, it is not at all out of line to say “we can handle one three hour visit a week” for instance.
Posture affects mental health so that’s one thing I am working on. I have been doing posture exercises almost daily. There’s a guy on UA-cam called the posture guy and I follow his tips.
Setting boundaries is a great way to measure how healthy your friendships are, and how much your loved ones actually care about your emotional well being. I told this woman don't tell people my personal business. It's gossip, it's none of their business I need you to respect my privacy.
She told me it's not gossip. She's sharing personal information about me to people I've never met so she can regulate her emotions, but it's not gossip.
I told her I dont like her talking about my personal business to people, especially people I've never met.
You can already guess what she said... it's actually kinda funny how stupid and predictable this line is.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Awesome... now I know exactly who I'm dealing with. You just gotta block some people. It's a waste of time and energy.
"Those without compassion cannot see what is seen through the eyes of compassion."
~Thich Nhat Hanh