Disorganized Attachment & Breakup: How They React (2021)
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- Опубліковано 30 лип 2024
- //Disorganized Attachment & Breakup: How They React (2021)// Want to learn more about disorganized attachment in breakups? Today, you learn how those with a disorganized attachment style react in breakups.
Curious to learn more about how the fearful avoidant reacts to a breakup? Our attachment styles have a big impact on our relationships. Attachment style and breakups (how we react to them) go hand in hand. And here’s what it looks like to have a disorganized attachment style in relationships and what it means to break up with someone with a disorganized attachment style (or be the one who ends a relationship). Watch more for the best advice on attachment theory and relationships and how to heal as a fearful avoidant!
Timestamps
[00:00] Introduction
[02:35] Two Types of Avoidance
[04:50] Disorganized Attachment in a Breakup
[11:03]How to cope with the "turn off"
[14:28]How to heal disorganized attachment
[18:05] How to receive love
[20:50] Reframing 4 core limiting beliefs
[26:47] Final thoughts
#attachmentstyles #disorganizedattachmentbreakup #brianamacwilliam
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Website: www.brianamacwilliam.com/
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What other questions do you have surrounding disorganized attachment breakups? I'd love to hear your questions and comments below so I can continue providing content you're looking for!
What's the relationship between this attachment style and NPD?
More a comment: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for not referring to disorganized attachment as borderline personality.
Slapping a BPD label on a person is so demoralizing and dangerous as professionals (and now non-professionals) paint those with disorganized attachment tendencies as BPD villains (even without a diagnosis) and pariahs that don’t deserve being taken seriously, treated with respect, or with the intention to help to resolve trauma and develop better coping skills but instead demonize them as too difficult an attachment style to help.
I love how you don’t slap ‘personality disorder’ labels on any type of attachment style, especially the supposed “worst, hopeless” one of all (BPD).
Thanks for all you do.
Another question- when they suddenly disappear in between the high point because they got triggered or smothered, or because the partner expressed their displeasure over something, and they suddenly stopped responding and vanished, so it isn't really a breakup too but maybe an unspoken breakup. So do they come back if you give space? Do they move on easily?
Everything I am reading or hearing/viewing about disorganized attachment style states that this attachment style comes from childhood trauma from my parents. The thing is, I have never been able to identify any childhood neglect or trauma. There IS unresolved childhood trauma in both of my parents that I had been unaware of all together until I was in my late teen years.
May be important to add: I have BPD, which also is typically known to stem from childhood trauma, but therapy taught me the cause was the traumatic/abusive relationships I had with men starting at age 13 up until age 26.
In short - what if my parents were not abusive and neglectful, but I have disorganized attachment?
Hi, Briana! Sorry in advance for the long comment. Thank you so much for always posting such high-value content! My ex has a disorganized attachment and I have an anxious attachment style. We were in a 3-month relationship and the last 3 weeks we were on an LDR. Everything besides his hot-cold behavior was fine. We never argued and had a lot of similarities and a very strong connection, where we would almost communicate just through our eyes. However, one day while on the LDR he suddenly messaged me saying that he wants to break up because he has too many issues (traumas) and he is not ready to be in a relationship. After that, we talked on the phone and both decided to keep the relationship going, but after 2 days he went completely silent for 5 days, which triggered my anxiety. When he finally reached out we discussed about this and I asked him to fight for the relationship if he wants me to stay, asking him that we should keep in touch daily. Of course, for the next 5 days or so he messaged and called me a lot, and we even planned a trip together the day before the breakup. The last day he called we had a nice and fun conversation as always when he suddenly said that we should stop forcing ourselves into this relationship and close all doors and windows of the past. At that moment it seemed so sudden but I calmly agreed, continuing our relaxed conversation for about 10 more minutes. We broke up 3 weeks ago and are on no contact for 2 weeks now and I'm planning to keep it up until Christmas Eve.
Now, my question is: How should I reach out to him after the no contact period (message, call, letter, etc) and HOW SHOULD I APOLOGIZE TO HIM for my childish and inconsiderate behaviour (being clingy, needy, not respecting his needs) resulted from my anxious state. I don't want to seem needy or insecure (I also started working with a therapist to cure my wounds and I am already seeing improvements). The thing is that I want him back because what we have is so strong and rare and it would be such a pity to give up just because of some misunderstandings regarding our needs and personal attachment styles. (He is also working on himself, so I really think this could work out if I can find a way to reach out in the best way) Thank you so much again and keep up the amazing work! Lots of love from Europe
This so accurate. My girlfriend and I broke up and got back together, and right at the 3 month mark she stated pulling away again. Being with an avoidant can be so much fun, but you're always waiting for them to deactivated or shut down...it's quite franky exhausting feels like your on a roller-coaster.
Dying here, I'd die for her, but I don't think I'm good enough for her. I feel like she's always watching for something more. I feel like walking away like I did the last time makes me weak, but what if I'm always here just waiting.... Alone.
@@orlandohouse7214 run
"Kindness, Regard and strength of character are the fundamental building blocks of every realtionship."
It's insane how closely this matches my experience with my disorganised partner/ex. Literally a blow by blow account of what happened/is happening. Its really fascinating and also depressing
I'm so fucking sorry
I hate that I put people through this
@@normadenisesaenz2464 I don’t know for sure if it’s what my ex is going through, but I wouldn’t want her to take those words on - it’s not your fault at all, and watching these videos honestly makes me love those going through this even more - I’ve learned and continue to learn so much about myself - so much more compassion for others and for myself too.
Be kind to yourself, always 🙂
@@normadenisesaenz2464no you don't. Women love breaking men.
@@normadenisesaenz2464honestly you are not forgiven
After he emotionally withdrew but still asked me to go places with him, I got tired of being ignored (and hurt) and broke up with him. It got his attention! He pursued me again, big time! We had a real talk for a change. The change wasn’t complete, to be sure, but we are doing well now.
There's a lot of golden information here for everybody to use you just have to listen very carefully with an open mind, Brianna we are deeply appreciative of your beautiful message to the world
Sergeant Pepper Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
This explains all my partner’s lame excuses not to deepen the relationship! He actually agreed to marry me, then was so anxious abt it that I called off the wedding 4 days after buying my dress. I’ve been confused and heartbroken so many times in this relationship, but he always pulls me back in when I try to walk away.
Hey perhaps a little late for comment but…I’m following along a shaking my head in agreement until you said it’s not the Disorganized Avoidant’s responsibility to live up to the expectations of their lover. I fell in love quickly with my DA, being love bombed from the start…we couldn’t get enough of each other and then 3 months in she’s totally fridged, with drawn, elusive, mysterious and periodically disappears for days. It may not be her responsibility to cater to my affections and desires but I feel totally used here…I’ve been sick over it for a couple of months. I offered to work diligently with her to repair and heal our relationship only to have her claim I have no idea what I’m talking about. May not be her responsibility to heal or feel bad about it…but hey next time keep your pants on.
I wish I known about your channel years ago. I've been on/off with an avoidant for 6+ years. Knowing this information would've been so useful.
you pump out so much information. but thank God you're giving it to us. whether we have to study it or not, it is definitely there
Thank you so much for shedding light on what, for me, was always "just the way life happens to me." I'm still a rookie in the fields of attachment styles, childhood trauma, and recovery. But I think I developed an anxious/insecure (open hearted?) style in childhood-dad disappeared, big sister ran away, mom drank to deal...and was unavailable even when sober, due to her own severely traumatic childhood. Open-heartedness seemed to be the pattern throughout my 20's. Now in my mid 30's, I think I've taken on a more disorganized style. Or maybe it was always that, and I simply didn't recognize it before. I completely relate to the ambivalence around past partners, and the struggle w/ my own self worth on account of it. The addictive quality you described is on point. I remember being completely obsessed w/ a man when I was in college. Even then, I described my regard for him as "obsession" rather than love. Thankful to be able to learn about attachment injuries and how to heal today. Relieved to know it isn't "just the way things are," or "the way I am," or "the way life works." Thank you for giving me hope 💕
So helpful, unbeknownst to me being involved with an FA over the last 4 years i discovered a significant AP side to myself that has driven behaviors that quite honestly i feel ashamed by and I feel so embarrassed and humiliated by acting so so needy. Intermittent reinforcement is so powerful let alone if you really love the other person and know that the dynamic could be so amazing but APs you definitely need to own your own issues and do the work. Im currently trying to recover from what feels like emotional abuse but also understand that my stuff has only exacerbated the whole negative feedback loop. Its incredibly hard to let go but in the end necessary as you cant make this relationship work unless both people have awareness and a willingness to commit to each other and their own individual personal growth otherwise meaningful connection will forever be just a fantasy to both insecure attachments. I feel for anyone going through this, its easily the most painful experience of my life and has affected my physical health significantly (gut issues, hypertension, complete loss of libido, headaches to name a few).
Me too. But don't down play the fas behavior. Alot blame the ap for hostile behavior. Bullshit. I'm living proof. Never been ap my whole lofe until I met fa. I try to be forgiving but I have hatred for him
Today I stand here agreeing with you whole heartedly.
OMG, this has brought massive clarity to my current relationship. THANK YOU!
Briana. Honestly. You are so insightful. The way you express our relationships is like looking in the mirror. Thank you
I am Disorganized attachment and I constantly attract avoidance attachment styles
Awesome video! Thank you
Thank you so much for this video, I felt like crying last week after having so many confusing thoughts from all my different parts about my relationship. It helps to contextualise this as me perhaps finding reasons to not be more intimate. Then have a way to try to respond when Im in an anxiety spiral trying desperately to overthink to the "right" answer. I often find it so hard when I'm in it to know what are legitimate questions about compatibility or just my disorganised attachment coming in
Lovely eye opening video. I am 100% this. Very hard to figure these things out when you've already lost someone. Can only try to be a better version of me if the universe grants me another chance.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, @colinstorer5687. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
This describes my experience perfectly. I met this girl online, she was 41 and I am 39. It started off slow, then turned into a whirlwind experience. She was texting me all week that she cannot wait to see me and that she is lucky to have met me etc. She was with me over a weekend, then appeared anxious and distant. Kept saying she needed to leave, I asked once if everything is okay and walked her to the subway. Next day I got one text each day then an invitation for dinner at the end of the week. She then came proceeded to tell me she couldn’t be in a relationship, all the past were unhealthy and although she could see I have good values etc it moved to fast and could not see me anymore. I have no real idea exactly what happened during the experience or if I did something wrong in particular.
Hi Bri, WOW 🤩 GREAT video, packed with brilliance and insight. I see myself over and over in this video. I was with a dismissive avoidant for 25 years and I am anxious avoidant. I guess we were compatible and busy with careers and achieving. Than I met another anxious avoidant who was attracted to me and all of my stuff came up. My breakup was just like you described! I’ve lost a lot in the material sense but I am growing in awareness.🌈🙏🏻🧘♀️💕🤙🏻
Thank you! Very helpful!
Everything you are describing is what I have been through with someone with this. Wow, wish I had seen this long ago!
Thank you for this video! I have a disorganized attachment style and I often feel crippled in love and relationships. Having this style is quite difficult because the very thing you deeply desire is the very thing you’re deeply afraid of. It can be exhausting. I want love and I want to deeply connect with someone but I’m also crazy scared when someone wants the same thing. You really have a way of explaining things that really touches the core of what us “spice of lifers” go through. Thank you a million times! I feel hopeful that by learning more about myself, my body and my spirit one day I’ll be able to allow love in and accept it fully without the constant thoughts of not being deserving or good enough.
Question: Could you do maybe a video going more in-depth about Dating with disorganized attachment ?
Thank you! I love how you give exercises for the disorganized individual.
14:28 how to heal disorganized attachment
How are you defining passion?
16:55 I notice I have a worry & recognize it’s distracting me from something positive in my life that’s trying to enter my life. Draw a box & put it in the box on a shelf in your mind.
18:05 how to receive love
19:27 emotion is energy running through your body.
20:52 Reframing limited beliefs
1. I am destined for a lifetime of numbness, guilt & misery. - the numbness can be reframed. Bc I have learned that difficulties can affect my body on a physical level, I now have a greater command & understanding of what types of interventions would be useful in helping me to redirect my trajectory in life & in love. The numbness that I experience can be softened & reduced now that I know exactly what techniques I can use to retrain my nervous system & my límbico brain. I also understand that my body is influencing the way that my thoughts construct themselves and by attending mindfully to the thoughts that are going through my head, come out like a river running past. I can choose to sit on the bank & instead watch them, rather than drowning in them.
22:00 2. “It’s overwhelming & feels impossible to change.” As I become increasingly masterful & understanding my emotions, conceptualizing them as energy moving through the body& being able to organize them inside of me with increasing sophistication, I realize that the feeling of overwhelm is just my ego telling me stories to protect me from taking a chance on more expansive things that are ready to come into my awareness & my experience. The ego is afraid that I might not be able to handle them bc in the past I may have abandoned myself in not trusting my own worthiness. But that’s ok bc it was all part of my growth process & it is a mechanism that did serve me at one time. But now when I notice myself beginning to feel overwhelmed, I can consciously turn my attention towards whatever I might be feeling threatened or distrusting myself. And in that moment, offer reassurances to that part of myself to assure the inner critic & manager that I am trustworthy that I will not break, that I have a deep & abiding connection to spirit & to the essence of who I am which is always operating on my behalf. Look how far I have come. And I can ask myself that part of myself to tell me what I would need to do to gain it’s trust in me again & to reparent myself by fulfilling that promise. All of this is within my power & if I struggle with this process , there are always helpful & supportive people & resources I can access to help me along the way.
23:33 “I’m tired of feeling guilty for not giving him the love I believe he deserves.” While I am capable of recognizing the worth & the deserved news in others, I realize that I do not owe anyone anything for their ability to recognize the worth within me. Ofc, I’m loved bc I am love & I recognize all others as expressions of sources of love as well. We are all worthy & deserving. This is baseline. I now realize that kindness, regard are the fundamental building of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Committing to a long term romantic partnership, however, requires further more detailed discernment & consideration of a variety of factors, not the least of which includes a serious look at the compatibility of our values & priorities in life. If someone wants me more than I want them, it is not my job to control or mitigate their disappointment or upset. I am not the appropriate person for them to seek comfort from nor offer them comfort, bc that is a mixed signal & it creates more pain & confusion than it does good. Sometimes I have to be the bad guy by asserting my boundaries & recognize the authenticity & emotional autonomy of all parties involved.
24:53 “I was selfish to keep wasting his time when I was 1/2 in/out of the relationship. There is no waste of time. I’m moving through life & sharing this holodeck with others, butting up against each other & learning more o about who & what we are….even my ambiguity & indecision is an experience worth investigating. I’m not obligated to decide about life events before I’m ready. I’m allowed to be indecisive & to not know. My partners are allowed to be frustrated with that or to be impatient. We are all allowed to have these feelings. It is not my job to take away their feelings with people pleasing & it is not their job to force me into something I don’t feel confident or ready for.
26:20 Summary
i feel so deeply understood
and a little called out
Im new here and i absolutely love this. I'm a therapist myself and i have had my own therapy for years. I cant say how many times this issue here has been misdiagnosed/medicated/minimized, leaving me feeling unseen in the field i have dedicated my own life to. I cant say how healing this has been to find your work. Thank you.
I do have a very specific question, but im going to explore your page to see if there are other answers that resonate.
I also have your videos as a tool now, for my future clients who may need it.
❤
This damn man nearly sent me mad with his I want you and the relationship now and 12 hours later I dont. His please dont leave me and please understand I want some space. Three months of bliss then his pulling back was too much to bear. Ask him why he wants space. He really cannot say. Therefore, i give him all the space he wants and talk to him on his terms knowing that this girl dont want any of his crazy making. I wish he can seriously seek help and work on himself because hes really a good person at heart but that attachment problem makes him to be a monster jn relationships.
You're brave. I got that same I gave up. Like you say wonderful heart aside from this set of defence mechanism but I need a minimum stability, can't plan a trip without knowing almost 100% he'll cancel, cannot plan a weekend for same reason, moving in together ditto, they want your child in the morning, they don't by evening time, oh please shoot me now
I'm here to get help, so maybe he's as well. I'm DA was living with a DA for 6 months
Love your hair !
DA broke up and left a year ago, my Rolling Stone has always moved on from all his relationships. I'm the Preoccupied Anxious Fearful trying to try to want to date again with all my shiny new healthy coping skills. I stopped smoking, gave up caffeine, little alcohol only occasionally, good therapy, started some school for an entire career change, and when I ignore his existence on Earth I have a whole bunch of energy for a happy life... but then he messages, mixed messages, words and actions like he cares and my addiction starts all over again, I miss him, I just need to press my face into his chest one last time! Insomnia starts, I hit the (coffee) pot hard, no other men exist. *That dopamine rush is real! I had no clue!* I reblocked him, I'm going back to therapy, I'll try those breathing exercises, started journaling, started the grieving process all over again... I truly wish people were required to pass an attachment course before dating, before asking to marry someone when all they wanted was a fancy title not an unconditional life partner.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, SOS_Ali. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
Me too- all of those things
He said he wanted to put a ring on my finger- it never went that far- now I see he maybe didn’t mean it. Maybe Sigh.
Get away while you can.
I have disorganized attachment and I’ve had an on and off again relationship with someone with avoidant attachment. He is so cold and it’s hard for me because I’m such an emotional person. I want him when he doesn’t want me and when he wants me I feel smothered. It’s been a disaster. Right now he’s back to not wanting me and I’m freaking out and going between ghosting him and reaching out again to try to “talk it through.” I know I should probably get help before even trying at a relationship again. I have BPD so it’s been a long process of trying to just be able to regulate my emotions, let alone feel like I know myself. Somedays I wish I had been raised by better parents. It was such a confusing childhood for me. My dad would get super angry when he’d get upset, but other times he’d be angry and then say he was just joking and we would be confused. Then the next time he was actually angry we’d think he was joking and he’d get scary. My mom told us girls that we weren’t allowed to be touched by ANYONE after age five because we’d get abused. So she wouldn’t hug us or let us hug other people or sit on anyones lap. Not to mention she taught us how to fear nearly everything and everyone. I want love so badly but I’m so scared that they will hurt me or it’s all fake. I hate my life…
*hugs* i feel very similar to you. My mom and dad taught me to fear everything and everyone, my dad was physically abused as a kid so he was basically a walking ball of anger and anxiety and super controlling, my mom controlling and super critical. Throw in too many medications for asthma, one i found out years later i was super sensitive, i got messed up. I can hold a job but too terrified to leave home. im 41 and im just barely facing it through therapy. My only relationship- he was a total avoidant. Super triggering, and as you say, it was a disaster. It all ended in me having a breakdown/burnout.
I feel you, girl!!! I hope you are healing!
@@Anwelei Thank you for your reply! Im sorry you went through so much! I hope you are healing too!
I wish you the best. But before you get attached to someone with issues and become anxious seek help. You are comfortable in this space because it's not too much and the distance makes you chase. Please seek help and a more secure person after receiving help. Serious, why stay in this pattern. When therapy can change your whole perspective what are you waiting for?
I truly enjoyed your video, Briana! It was so amazing! **
** ...to use a much overused word ("amazing") in the proper context!
Briana, I was yearning you would speak to forgiveness (aka "grace"), and towards the end of the video, you did! Yay! You used the concept of "grace."
I often wonder: "Do people, when they hear the term 'grace', equate it to forgiveness?"
I don't think they always do.
Briana, you have an opportunity to expand on the importance and meaning of grace.
As mentioned, I'm not sure everyone gets it. Initially, I will confess, I didn't get it. I had no clue forgiveness = grace.
I will also confess, I have a secondary bias towards emphasizing grace.
An explicit confession of my secondary bias: I am Lutheran, and within my denomination, "We are all about grace!" (And, I'll share, we are not all about quoting Bible scriptures to throw in another person's face.")
Now, MOST IMPORTANTLY, my primary bias is this:
I believe the most important thing to ~sustain~ a relationship is not love. NOT LOVE. I believe, for the long term, the most important thing to ~sustain~ a relationship is grace (aka forgiveness).
FORGIVENESS trumps love in importance....to sustaining a long term relationship.
There is a paradox: Forgiveness can, at many times (perhaps even at most times?), be considered a singular loving act.
I would therefore argue, forgiveness trumps love to sustaining a long-term relationship.
Briana, another thread I hope you can weave into your awesome counseling is about "Self Compassion.". See Kristin Neff (also on UA-cam). I hope I spelled her name correctly.
Between you and Kristin Neff, I believe you are the top two most important gifted personalities on UA-cam! You both are a blessing .
I am a securely attached.. Thankfully I am good and happy on my own . I have choices whether I want to be in a relationship or not. It's an empowering place to live.. I will only be with people who chooses to "do the work" on themselves to bring healthy attachment to the table. Healing is a choice.
I think I have Fearful Avoidance.
That’s exactly how I felt about a relationship I was just in
I have a question about how to return to a relaxed loving state after this attachment has been triggered by negative reinforcement from the partner.
Leave. It's something that until they seek help will continue. Idc what anyone says. These people need help and shouldn't be with anyone and ignorant to think a new partner after another will make them feel differently. At some point you have to realize you are a problem. Leave. Trust me it gets worse and worse with time
She was SOL, I was OH, relationship only lasted 2 & 1/2 weeks cause I had no idea about attachment theory until after she broke up with me and was triggering her unknowingly and smothering her. I'm trying to work on myself in the meantime, but I really wish her all the best and hope she will have the chance to reflect and learn of herself. Thank you for the clarity and reducing the guilt I feel about how the relationship ended up
What is SOL and OH?
I swung between both. I think I have dismissive avoidance as a defense mechanism and insecure of my poor social skills but I deep down feel and fear things like fearful avoidance.
This sounds exactly what im going through right now. She broke up with me for no particular reason other than the fact that she felt like she couldn’t breathe and she was smothered. Only to keep us texting and telling each other we love eachother.
This is a brilliant video Briana. Insecure attachment is very persistent and it's complexity can feel discouraging. Do you have any reading recommendations to shed more light on the topic that explain how to change insecure attachment patterns?
Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m glad you like the content. I recommend reading anything by Dan Siegel, Gabor mate, John Bradshaw, John Gottman, Pat Ogden, Peter Levine and Sue Johnson. I also recommend the book “attached” by Heller and Levine as well as “how to break your addiction to a person” by Dr. Halpern.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment thank you so much for these recommendations! Really appreciate your knowledge and the way you deliver things comprehensively. I'd like to collaborate on a video with you. If you'd be open to this, let me know a means to contact you :)
Thank you for the video. The reframe was a bit wordy and I got lost in that part of it. Can you please simplify the reframing?
Can you do a video like this about the anxious style and the breakup process - and what to do
That’s a great topic. I think you might find these videos hopeful:
4 Tips to Hold Your Boundaries in a Breakup
ua-cam.com/video/hNHUvcVHyrY/v-deo.html
Disorganized Attachment & Breakup: How They React (2021)
ua-cam.com/video/EC_2FL0wCqs/v-deo.html
How To Finally Let Go of a Lover: 4 Crucial Emotions You Can’t Bypass
ua-cam.com/video/ZonILAdDS60/v-deo.html
How Neediness Can Empower You
ua-cam.com/video/E-HT8afI8Eo/v-deo.html
Let your magic shine!!!
Thank you very much for another great video! This very much sounds like my ex date and I. Her a FA and me a AP. We had 3 fantastic months together including great talks, chemestry, a vacation to another country and much more. She said she was thinking about quitting her job and move over to my side of the country for a potential future with me. That was actually quite a fast thing to come up with on her part I thought. Then, all of a sudden she completely flip flopped after the 4th date. On that date she was seemingly triggered (she even said that exact word "triggered") by me sounding too much like a "typical" physical therapist in contrast to her who is a healer and spiritual practisioner. On our next date she mentioned that she had lost the spark because of our different viewpoints on human health as well and mostly feminism. Also she had wished for more "experimentation" in bed. I mainly listened to her without arguing. The next mornong, I was supposed to borrow my moms car and drive her 2 hours to a spiritual retreat center where some of her friends were waiting for her. But because I had only slept for one hour that night, I asked her to the train instead. I thought if she still wanted me she would respect that. Not until I had followed her almost the entire way to the transtation, I started sensing something was wrong. She said "you dont have to wait for the train with me" I responded "okay but have a great trip, be good". One minute after stepping on the train she wrote "I'm not good at the untold so I'm telling you that we will never see each other again". Yes she thought I wanted to kick her out of my life. I wrote a big appology to her. Initially she was pissed and didn't buy my explanation. Later she may have because she said she wasn't mad anymore. However she didn't want to date anymore. She would like to keep some contact but i declined since she didn't want to date me. It's been a month since our last contact now. We had one relaxed chat on the phone about how each other were doing. She misses her dad and wants to move closer to him in the new year. I really still want her and love her, but I'm not hoping for much and am doing emotional healing work daily now. This has to wind up a good thing to happen to me.
Any update?
This whole relationship thing is so cruel for both of us
Two parts to my question:
1) Being secure, how is it my FA (heavily dismissive leaning) ex-partner was unable to sustain a relationship with me, but able to go back into a committed relationship (living together) with his anxious previous ex which so far has lasted 18 months?
By his own admission, their relationship is not physically intimate (quite telling because he was unable, i believe, to cope with the feelings that being intimate with me brought up - we had a surprising amount of chemistry - which led to his deactivation) From what I know of their relationship, it is superficial and based on her co-dependency and ability to manipulate his fears by re-enacting the dynamic he experienced with his mother as a young child. In short, she brings drama, he "fixes" the problem (also a people pleaser) and gets her validation which meets his need of being worthy. He says he feels safe with her, but I feel that is because the chaos/drama she brings into their dynamic is familiar and therefore comfortable, whereas I show up as secure and am open and grounded. I have no need to play games.
2) Is it possible that as you describe early on in this video, he may experience at some point a sense of having to remain in their relationship seeing as he gave up on ours, and everything else that was important to him, in order to get back together with her? This is the general consensus amongst our mutual social circle. That the alternative to being with her is to admit he has made a mistake which would bring him a sense of failure coupled with the guilt of hurting me in order to be with her, plus knowing he has no other place to go, other than back to his mother. (He gave up his own apartment etc to move back in with her) Could this be prolonging their potential second break-up?
He is acting very hot and cold around me; spends weeks ignoring my presence (we work together) and then suddenly acting as though we are close friends again, flirting and so on.
Prior to our relationship, we were friends for several years, and I have in that context, seen him go through this pattern before with other romantic prospects as well as his entire relationship with her. I was always the person he came back to, as he felt secure in my presence, not judged etc. I think he believed that our bond/connection would continue unchanged in a deeper dynamic and it took him completely by surprise and triggered a serious deactivation when he developed feelings for me.
It seems you are thinking very “other” focused here, friend. The best thing for you is to not analyze another persons relationship and look into yourself to explore what you need and want and how you want to grow. The answers to these questions, if they could even be answered, would not help you. Center your focus back into yourself and the life you want to live!
I'm disorganized, a lot of what you say is really helpful, however after about 25 years of therapy and searching, IFS has been the most effective therapy for contacting all these different parts that flood the body, dysregulate the nervous system and emotions. Coming more from Self energy and forming relationships with all these parts and helping them release the burdens of emotions or negative beliefs that they picked up due to external factors is what finally helped it all to start stablilizing. I think you will get the idea of Self energy if you come from a more spiritual background, and you understand the importance of embodying this as a therapist and helping a client access it so they are not so flooded or identified with their wounded parts. These different parts that form our character structure are what we call the ego. It sounds like what you are talking about here is that kind of Self to part dialogue when you are talking about conversing with one of the managers such as the inner critic.
Real!!!
Hmm, a lot of this is really, really valuable. But I disagree with some of the reframes. They sidestep the question of responsibility. We all have a responsibility to treat our partner with kindness, consideration, and respect. We are all allowed to have feelings--including feelings of ambivalence--of course. But we also have many choices for what actions, behaviors, and communications will follow from that ambivalence, and some of the behaviors you described earlier in the video were disrespectful and harmful. We all do disrepsectful and harmful things. It is a part of our journey and our growth, and it doesn't make us bad people. But we can't grow, and we can't develop *authentic* love for ourselves without also embracing responsibilitly, and making amends where appropriate. That is the equivalent of spoiling a child, telling them they are never wrong, never responsible, it's all good. The key is learning to embrace and love yourself *even with your flaws*, *even with the mistakes you make as you grow*, and yes, to know you are worthy of others' love as well. By saying "it's all good", you're still not learning to embrace your flawed self, you're pretending, instead, that there are no flaws, which is a fragile self-love. Responsibililty, properly understood, isn't a a tool for beating ourselves up, it's courageous, liberating, and strengthening.
This is definitely me. I was with my boyfriend for awhile until I started to get stressed and confused and I didn't know if he loved me and I would lead him on. Then he broke with me and a few months later we got back together, and I was happy for about a month before the same thing happened and he broke up with me again. After that he got someone new and I would try and text him, I even tried making him mad once, he forgave me but I still felt bad so yes I am definitely this. We don't talk now, I see him every once and awhile, I'm working on myself for now.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Rose Rose. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
I recognize bits of myself in the person you've described and I wonder how much is cptsd tied to one having a disorganized attachment style, the deactivating strategies and pushing the other person away are they due to triggers or emotional flashbacks or even feeling dysregulated or is it all the above? Love your hair, such a cute bun 😊😊
Thank you for watching and for commenting, as well as sharing a bit of your experience. Disorganized attachment is often the result of chronic developmental traumas. Emotional flashbacks are usually evidence of emotional dysregulation. So my answer is ‘all of the above,’ because these are all essentially manifestations of the same Pattern of energetic holding and distribution in the mind and body. I think you might find this video interesting. Attachment Styles and Relationships / Childhood trauma in Adulthood / The “Normal” B.S. ua-cam.com/video/e5EQIj2JDwo/v-deo.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Thanks for the feedback, I'll check the video out
my ex is a fearful avoidant but more dismissive and introvert, he started off in the beginning saying he wasnt really into having a relationship and at the time i was just looking for company however within 3/4 weeks i started to like him alot and he started liking me and he did want it and so did i that we were only seeing eachother and no1 else
he used to show his vunerable side, would cry infront of me do PDA constantly tell me he loves/loved me look into my eyes when having sex always kissing and cuddling me but yet there were times he would say he doesnt want sex, he doesnt want to kiss me its making him feel smothered wouldnt stay over more then 1 time a week or 1 time every 2 weeks, a handful of times in 9 months he would stay 2/5 nights in a row but then he would want to leave
he was fun loving but also told me throughout he suffers from depression he would have days when he didnt want to talk to me, broke up with me 4 times in 9 months but would pull me back in hours/days, this time he has been hot and cold since our breakup but has now said not to message anymore as its making him feel bad
he knows i love him to bits but i dont know what to do, he said b4 he is in love with me but wants to have kids with someone near his age even tho i could have kids and we couldnt get on any better when we are together and i mean we were totally ourselves and laugh till our bellys hurt and he admits that too so i am just stumped
it just hurts that someone who can love u so much can be ok with cutting u out of their life even tho u are a really good nice person to them, i feel like im sat here broken and he is obviously alright as he can just leave
i fought for him and told him i accept him fully for who he is, i know how good we are together but im guessing as he wants nothing to do with me he cant see that :( he hasnt even said he wants to be friends its like he fell in love with me and then is just like "right thats enough of you being nice to me bye"
Did he contact you?
Any update?
It doesn’t help matters if you’re in a relationship with a liar… 🤥
That’s why I shut down every time after trying to pretend it was ok… the mistrust & betrayal crept back in and I couldn’t let it go.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, C K. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
Can traumatic loss trigger disorganized attachment within a relationship? How can you help your partner feel safe again?
Being with my FA made me feel calm and relaxed for the first time in my life,for the first time my brain was calm and not overthinking all the time jumping from one thought to another, I was present in the moment, finally feeling at home (a real loving home) and where I belong, didn't hate physical affection (I normally don't like being touched, hugged even by close friends), felt like we were married and even the loving way he called me felt awesome 😅 everybody said that I wasn't angry and dark anymore and that he was good for me😢😢😢
It’s because you are also avoidant. So the expectation of deep intimacy never exist. You can have a “good” relationship but never a deep one and experience true intimacy it’s always just calm surface level
@@alexandercoll4863 we have a deep connection, one I've never experienced before with anyone, not even with my best friend. I was "avoidant" with my previous boyfriend, didn't like too much physical affection (some yes, but I was easly irritated by it), my mind most of the time somewhere else and so on. I want deep and true intimacy and that was present with my FA
Does ADHD with Rejection Sensitivity Dysfunction show up a lot with this attachment style? I have these two going on. I embrace ADHD and Autism as just genetics, btw - and I always choose Autist women as partners (Mom is an Autist).
I really appreciate your positive spin on everything, and your “intense” deep dives and concise explanations, Brianna. Your videos have changed my life; in my opinion, they are the BEST available. Thank you!!!
Can someone have secure attachment from their past but through bad experiences becomes fearful of people? Still called disorganised? If so why they all explain childhood? It definitely makes sense for me to think bad life experiences even during 20s and more makes people fearful
I think so, because the first ever from of attachment you ever built (with caregivers) was also life experiences, and that can be eroded or changed over time if experiences that cause insecurity occur for longer and more traumatizing. They can wash over what you had initially and especially if you don't have the connection with those who helped you built secure attachment anymore. That's my thought, theoretically speaking
attachment styles are mainly from the first 3 years of life and based on relationship with the primary caregiver, but it has been shown that it is possible for this to change and to develop either a more secure or insecure style due to events in adulthood.
I think the ending of this video is a bit jargon filled for some. Is there a simple way for you to explain?
I turn off right b4 things gets bad. Is that still disorganized attachment?
I am 6 days into no-contact with whom I referred to previously as my "not boyfriend." All of the non-verbal actions and cues made me feel he loved me, but any time we had increased intimacy - physical or emotional - it was followed by a dissociative shutdown, which could last a few days or a week, before we circled back into a deeper layer of intimacy, and even then it was always "I don't want a relationship" (although I never said I wanted a relationship). Is there any hope that he could slowly heal and become available for a real relationship? Or is it just my addiction speaking, wanting more? I miss my best friend, but I wanted no contact because I didn't think I could avoid being in love with him.
Brianna I have been following your work. I'm a gay man who my partner is the disorganized attachment I'm an open heart. I don't know if your teachings work for homosexuality couples or if it's just heterosexual couples. If it's not can you give me a direction to go? I love your mentality towards the attachment styles.
I think attachment principles apply to all types of human connections. The only difference between homosexual and heterosexual relationships is gender, which doesn’t really make a difference to the way masculine vs. feminine ENERGY dynamics play out (any gender can hold a primarily masculine energy or a primarily feminine energy). But her teachings aren’t based in these dynamics. So in short yes, her teachings would apply to you and your growth! :) Her teachings are human to human above all else.
@@Sophia-rm9zz thank you. I get so confused on what's supposed to be done with each sexuality and more keep popping up. 🤷♂️ bottom line we're all human beings.
@@rossanderson1989 exactly!!! :)
Hi briana, I’ve been talking to someone for almost two years now, we’ve had many ups and downs of varying degrees and this partner has been avoidant or disorganized for the entirety of the relationship. Recently he expressed feeling smothered and we are deciding to spend a month out of contact to allow each other to reflect on ourselves and attempt to form healthy attachment habits once the month is over. Is it okay to ask for this partner to commit to me officially (make me his girlfriend) once the break is over? Or is this asking for too much too fast? Should I ask at all even if we don’t talk about making it official for months after the break?
What ended up happening?
Excellent video. I would kindly request to tone down the language or explain technical words. Thank you.
Hi
I wanted to know how to differentiate between a person with npd (covert narcissist) or simply an FA. I don‘t see much difference?
The Narc fakes everything. FA genuinely over feels.
Narc will make smear campaigns and try to provoke you on daily basis. I never did this.
I've just become more organized. 🙏
You got this!
Mary N Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
Had amazing time with girl, next day she was peaking in attraction to me, almost a little needy or something but that was fine. Said something and she said your making me feel weird. Totally ghosted me after that. Weeks later, I eventually got her to say im not interested in you anymore Dont text me. ... so she finally spoke. Shocking crazy, crazy situation it seems like to me. I told thanks for letting me know and then completely vanished.
It was so trivial and so sudden. Like i said right at the peak of us getting into each other. It was our 5th date. Nothing negative until that exact moment. 100 percent to gone in an instant
Bread cruming but return
Can you give an example of familiarity and wanting to relive an old wound? What does that look like in a heterosexual couple both being fearful avoidant?
Same, I was dating someone who I think is a RS and I'm pretty sure I'm a SL. We've been going through off and on again back and forth for the past two years. It's like when he wants me, I sabotaged and visa versa.
What are your thoughts on the idea of twin flames? Do you think of this as a trauma bounded relationship? This person and I seem magnetized and repellent in equal measures...😔
My comment seems to have disappeared??
Have been seeing a girl for 3 months we got really close i really like her and suddenly she didnt want to see me anymore but also didnt want to end things with me. What she told me about her childhood it would make perfekt sense that she has a disorganized attachment style. The problem is i didnt know about this condition when she started to pull away so i just ended things and said i dont want to be with someone who treats me like this. This happened a bit over a week ago and we havent talked since. Anyone has an idea or expirience how to fix this since i really like her and dont want it to be over, should i make the first step or wait for her?
Yes… make the approach - she just wants your reassurance. If she likes you she is scared of getting hurt. She needs comfort
@@paniq_fnite thanks for your answer do you think i should do it now already (2 weeks NC) or in 1-2 weeks since ive heared FA`s need 3 to 4 weeks to get emotionally available after a breakup?
Check out videos on winning avoidance attachment styles. But for your own sake man you need to let her be and move along. People like this are hurt and will continue going on hurting people in the same way they use people and continue the trauma going to those they use. Save your self find someone with a mature mindset and who is open to love. I just ended a relationship with someone who suffers from the same sydrome, if your willing to do the work go for it but reality is they have to be willing to heal themselves cause you can't help those who aren't willing to do the work. Its hard pill to swallow but know that its not your fault they're just broken.
If she's self aware and working on it it can work.
@@realplayer4056 Any updates?
I like your videos but this one was really hard to follow, ive rewatched it 4 times. -im left feeling more confused after watching it. Im a fearful avoidant. :(
I had a harder time following when she started going over what to tell yourself in response to negative self thought “I wasted his time”, etc…
might be me
Iam a FA and m ex is a DA.
I would would have stayed with him forever but, he kept leaving when upset. I consider that to be messed up! We lived together for a year. Then ....he leaves and blocked me from calling, only unblocking me when he wanted to talk...
Sooooo messed up!!!
If he was ap you'd do the same. Find a secure partner
@@yamieden4350 wrong! Become secure before dating again!
Can a cornerstone be a spice of lifer?
A corner stone is someone that has secure attachment, I spice of lifer is someone with fearful avoidant attachment. However, we all have different degrees of security within us. I believe inside every insecure person already exists the secure version of themselves, it’s just a matter of remembering and relaxing back into it.
Ok. But all in all.. bread crumbing is a lack of interest sign . Right
From what I get from this video it's that they will not be able to provide stability in a relationship and sometimes they are disinterested until they get anxious and then they pull back again
he have to take the papers first on my table.
100 percent my ex
If you have a really good reason to believe that your partner is avoidant, but you think that with a little work as a couple you can still see yourself being with them seriously, but you know that they would freak out if you told them you could see potentially marrying them, should you say it anyway?
Avoidant people do not make safe partners. Full stop. Anyone on the AP spectrum or even secure is better off leaving these people to figure their stuff out on their own and seeking out someone healthy instead.
who is a good match for avoidants?
@@Ryan-yg7zc a psychotherapist specialized on trauma.
Crap warnings like this are very hurtful to us avoidants. Previously stuff like this would have had me self harming since i was so starved for love. 😡
@@Anwelei ok, well, the way avoidants behave in relationships can cause immense hurt, long-term insecurities, depression and suicide those who love them.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think avoidants should be with anyone until they have taken major steps to learn to control their behavior.
Yea, we know you can’t help how you feel, but how you feel hurts others.
@@Ryan-yg7zc Noone. They need help. Or to be single. They are emotionally abusive whether they mean to be or not
69th comment lmao
I still don't like how some of this says they aren't bad people. Maybe not all for this small degree of stuff but mine was mean harsh watched me cry and yelled at me for it. Emotionally abusive and physically twice and blamed me for all the feeling around it and me. Cheated lied was manipulative and vindictive controlling and had no feelings. Associated me with pain and dint make sense. Up and down and became horrible. Spiteful and tried to sleep with my cousin after breaking up with me and me going back out with my ex. Honestly I believe that many fearful avoidants don't want to create the push and pull dynamic. That I can agree, but if any are like my ex that just is a bad person. Someone who does bad things are bad people. If you hit and lie and manipulate deceive have no care about the people you hurt intentionally or not and you do it time and time again you are a terrible person. I thought I was anxious preoccupied, but truth is I'm not. I am a secure person who shifted anxious in my terrible relationship, where I was scolded for feeling or talking or even being to happy. I try really hard not to hate him. But sometimes I think too much rationality for this behavior makes me so angry. Yes some disorganized are not bad but he is. Nothing can repair the damage he has done to me. Or to make me belive he loved me and practice all these hatred techniques and punish me for the slightest fights. I hate him . I try not to but he was awful and caused me two years of pure panic pain suffering and sadness. I can't even sleep all night without waking up every so often. I've cried most days since 2022 started. I've never been so hurt in my whole life. He threw me away like garbage. He was harsh and cruel. Even if it was an amicable breakup I would have felt better. But he attacked me when another person would have consoled me. He made me disgusted with him. These thoughts haunted my life all year. He even left me on my birthday in January and I forgave him. I wasn't aloud to be upset with his rocky behavior. In my heart I try to let go. But to be honest I never want to see or hear from him ever again after he again was cruel and unusual after me trying to reconcile for a third time during our breakup. I actually am a fool. My only hope is he never ever returns or reaches out. I have his laptop and am dreading having to even see his family to return it. I domt ever want him again and feel so stupid for even loving him or believing it was love. It wasn't. It's not real. And I now know he's never loved me which he told me a week after telling me he knows I'm his soul mate and having many anger outbursts. I feel betrayed and repulsed that I wanted him back at all. Don't go out with people if you have problems. Like that out of everything would stop all the pain and suffering you cause people. I read you can turn into disorganized from a relationship as well, to be honest I don't understand how you don't know right from wrong or can't just stop hurting others.
I never will forgive him nor speak or ever care again. I'm praying he never returns because I will not offer kindness nor compassion like I have. He is dead to me. And I will pretend as if he doesn't exist and do absolutely nothing to him or for him. Including speaking. So if any disorganized is remotely like my ex just know you can cause someone to commit suicide with the evil words and actions. I try to tell God my anger but deep down I know I have hatred for him in some form. Maybe one day I won't. I even pray that he changes for someone else and finds happiness. But for what's he's done to me. I can never forgive.
Why the hell is he cheating and still around and you went back witb your ex and then went back with him, it's genuinely fucked
Your situation sounds similar to mine, however I unfortunately was the one that was causing all of the abuse. I truly did not want to do it and I always felt bad afterwards, but I was too stupid and ignorant to do anything about it. As a result, I kept doing the same things over and over again and I would hate myself each time for not being better. Now I'm divorced and even though I want to be with my ex-wife again, I know that it will never happen. Plus I cannot in good conscience go into another relationship until I get the help that I desperately need. I know that I caused a lot of damage that I can never undo and for that I will have a very difficult time forgiving myself for it. My ex-wife says that she does not hate me, even though I know that she should, but I commend her for taking a stand to do what was best for her and her mental health. Your ex sounds like he does need help and I hope one day that he gets it, but not all of us are evil as it seems we might be. Deep down, I know I'm a good person but I definitely did not show that I was and without help, which I am currently getting, I'll never be able to show that on a consistent basis. I really hope that things work out better for you and you can, one day, find the peace that you deserve to have.
@@ahabalheis2478 I didn't go back, I found out things after he left me. Tbh alot if things are jarring for me and was so out of left field. He hid things and slowly his true self started to show and he became hostile and mean and started to not make sense alot at the end of our relationship. Then I found out about the other women he used to sabotage us. And I'm telling you, I'm not a needy or ignorant person, I was blindsided confused and mentally hit hard. It took so long to pick myself up.
@@ahabalheis2478 at first we were good friends , the FA and I.I left my ex of 15 years prior to me and this FA. Eventually the FA and i were in a situationship, and he left me for the first time, while not truly revealing what i know about him now. So i was ok the first time it was over and tbh I was tired of the push pull, and this is before I knew him for him, so about two months after that I gave my ex of 15 yrs a second chance. During that time after FA heartlessly leaving me, and just switching 3 weeks later, I'd had enough. So yea 2 months after I tried to rekindle my old 15 year relationship and give it one last chance. During that time the FA spitefully and secretly plotted and pursued my cousin. I didn't know at all, not the slightest clue. Within a months time, my ex of 15 years and I decided to call it quits, and about 4 months later the FA re entered my life, professing he loved me and blah, at the time I didn't know he pursued my cousin ,and didn't know that our entire relationship. This time around we got extremely close and he told me I was the love of his life. It wasn't until we were on the rocks that I found this out, and I was broken. To top it off when I confronted him, he became hostile and said I start fights and was genuinely angry with me. That was the first time I noticed how there was something wrong with him. Eventually he left me again a yr and a half later. and this relationship was terrible, bread crumbs broken promises, getting angry off slight things, picking fights out the blue, and blaming me for each incident. Not narcissistic, genuine reality distorted. Now, yes I try to in my heart with him well, because I'm a decent person. But I'll never forget all the hell he put me through, random outbursts that became volitile during the end and the dissociative behavior. After a while he made no sense and was extremely confused and distant. Then slowly During our breakup I found out about the other women, and he was cold heartless and mean and cruel. So, yea baffled as I am. I never ever wanna see him ever. But wish him the best
@@deadbrain2548 Thankyou. I'm glad you are getting help, it's been months since this nightmare. I truly loved him so much, even baffled and hurt attempted to bring him to self awareness. But my mental health was so bad, it's been a while since this all, worst year of my life. Hardest thing I had to do was walk away from someone I love, because he isn't aware of how he isn't even well. It wasn't easy leaving or staying, easier to try to forget. I cry almost everyday, less and less now. Broken, angry that a horrible past can actually turn you into a horrible person. Which i know deep down he is the sweetest kindest man.I knew him young, about when I was 17, he was the love of my life and I promise you, he was an angel and far from who he is today. As his love I genuinely was concerned for him, but when he left me, I had to pick me. I am sorry that you are going through this. Reading stories and comments makes me empathize with all FAs and any trauma any have faced. You saying this has brought me peace. Thankyou for your kindness. Everything is getting better slowly, and I know I will be ok, and am ok for the most part. What hurts the most I guess for us both, you and I, is that we want to go back, but know we can't. Take care, I truly hope that your attachment style changes and you can live life well. ❤️