What goes on in the mind of a person with disorganized attachment? | Dr Sia
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- Опубліковано 18 січ 2022
- Hi, my name is Dr Sia. I am a psychotherapist, lecturer, and researcher. As per usual, I hope you comment, subscribe, and press that bell icon for regular updates.
In this video I discuss what goes on in the mind of a person with disorganised attachment, called narratives. I will make more in depth videos about this later on but this is an overhaul of what can be done. I hope you find the video useful and that is resonates with you!
Also, make sure to follow me on @doctorsia on insta for regular written posts, IGTV posts, and live IGTV sessions on Thursdays at 19.30 AEST and more!
To contact me for sessions, supervision, or training, via telehealth or face to face:
Email: hello@mindhackpsychology.com.au
Website: www.mindhackpsychology.com.au
Telephone: +617 5591 5976
Instagram: @doctorsia
“if i am me, and i am bad, my badness infects you. my badness makes you bad” literally brought tears to my eyes. you were able to articulate a wound i never could. thank you
hows it going?
Me too. I hope you're able to find peace and I wish you all the very best to heal ❤️
I felt this with my friend. It's like you echoed my thoughts from the past :(
That's interesting.....I've never heard an explanation of that feeling, of somehow "infecting" others with your presence. I've always believed that when people around me do poorly, it's because of their proximity to me, but seeing as how I was blamed, personally, by every other member of my immediate family, for the disintegration of my family, it makes sense....
Yes it makes sense right? I am sorry to hear that it applies to you still though!
@@drsia2323 eh... could always be worse. I'm going to mentally file it away in a folder entitled, "Shit happens 🤷"
@@katet4554 hahahahahah!
As a fearful avoidant, the thought that what is wrong about me will also make another that way, comes from parents who tell you that you 'represent them' and everything you do 'reflects on them'. I'd have to be and act how my father felt was perfect, so that he appeared 'perfect'. A more clear and direct example.
this seems very logical to me. because all you have to do is think negatively and you see things differently and make them happen. but say the reverse. If I am good my goodness infects you is also true.
@@nitacollins3645 this is true, and being worked on. The negativity comes from never being able to be perfect or good enough. After beating myself up for 35 years for the things I fail at, I am trying to point out what I have added. Thank you
@@kimberlyhumphrey4408 you know its funny though. I had ADHD and not really symptoms of BPD. I had one over 20 years marriage to best friend. until I dated a dismissive guy. then the cognitive dissonance caused me mental anguish and a break down with high heart rate..at this time I chose the side of light and good thoughts over the black thoughts. I said no. in a way he did make me this way..
@@nitacollins3645 you are awesome! Thank you for sharing, especially now that I'm a dating a dismissive guy as well. Your story helps even more.💛
@@kimberlyhumphrey4408 i also want to say perfect ist a quality anyone should want. its our flaws that make us special. because without them we dont grow...work on but, accept and love yourself.
That thing about 'infecting others with my badness'..
i have been trying to find validation for this for over half my life (i'm 30 now), it's the one core thing that has stayed consistent that i'm absolutely certain of (while everything else seems to swing back and forth). This is my deepest fear. I have expressed this exact thing in a few different ways so many times and it's caused so much pain in my life because of how pervasive this fear is.
THANK YOU for this video. All of it describes my experiences to a tee. I was diagnosed with adhd three years ago but felt even after treatment there was something missing, unidentified, unaddressed, and only in the past week i feel like ive made so much progress after acknowledging things i was suppressing allowing me to finally join the dots. The concept of this video feels like a, if not the, final missing puzzle piece. Thank you again
As someone with disorganised attachment. This vid help me understand my behavior much more. Thank you so much Dr.sia. :)
My pleasure Viez! Thank you for commenting!
I am a dismissive avoidant and can feel so overwhelmed and go through bouts of cuddly needy and very empathetic yet also cannot stand being or feeling smothered or complimented... I used to be the social butterfly and after marrying a covert unpredictable narcissist I am so introverted and guarded it's made me cold and very uninteresting if people and their motives or intentions of trying to draw near to me.
Yeah sounds like lots changed for you after that relationship. Sorry to hear that.
How long were you married
Same, it messes you up. I was (still am) with mine for 19 yrs but I know there's healing and getting back to a similar frame of mind as before, but wiser!
I used to walk thru the hall at school clutching my coat so it didn't brush against other students. I figured they didn't want me to touch them because whatever was wrong with me was contagious and they wanted nothing to do with all that. I wanted to disappear.
I had to pause at 2:26 because hearing someone else say what I believe about myself has never made me feel so seen. I just started crying. I truly believe that not only is there something missing in me but there is something wrong with me too. I have my whole life.
hi :) my best friend has this. I'm just here to learn more about her and how I can support her. Thanks for being concise.
Great video, very helpful insight!
That was helpful. I like to listen to such topics especially when they explained so well
Kind if you to say!
Yeah it's amazing.
Never heard it explained this way.
A nice thought provoking one, and yes it does disrupt the common concepts in a mirrored perspective (realistic and practical instead of abstract or theoretical). It does make sense though, considering a pragmatic viewpoint with your experiences into this field.
after finding out about my attachment style, this video has brought a lot of things I do to light and also explains certain reactions I have received from others.
This was very helpful, thank you!
My pleasure!
Holy shit, I've never heard it explained like that, that's a really good explanation!
Happy to have you here Sarah!
This is me... I strongly believe that I cause people to act how they act towards me, and I don't expect them to take any responsibility because I kind of don't even believe they exist. I believe I create everything that happens to me and I just am not intelligent enough if I make people do horrible things to me, but then I kind of want to be punished for it and then I punish myself for being stupid enough to make someone punish me when I could create something good instead. Like I punish myself for hurting myself, and I think it's all my fault.
Key things to accept :
*You cannot change another person, only yourself.
* Healing starts from loving yourself unconditionally no matter what.
* Forgive anyone and everyone who hurt you.
* Forgive yourself for Overgiving and trying to seek validation from other people in relationships and letting yourself be hurt by someone outside you.
* Always be in gratitude that you know a core wound now and have an opportunity to heal from it.
* First you learn to love yourself and fill your cup and then start filling other's cup from that place of love. ❤
@@lpsensei522 Thank you for your energy, however I don't think you quite understood my standpoint🩷 But the way I've been dealing with this is knowing that the best possible thing to do, what the bravest person would do, is regardless of what they've created, respond differently to their creation once they notice it's not what they want. I used to punish myself because I thought it was the bravest thing to do. Now I realize punishment is empty, and I can simply respond to my circumstances according to what I would rather create.
@@HenrikaArcana I was just trying to help. Whatever works for you is indeed the best method! You do you 🙌 ❤
Interesting video. Thank you 💚
Glad you enjoyed it
This describes so many aspects of NPD. - however, whilst they think that everyone around them feels the same and thinks the same as they do, they never seem to believe that they’re at fault for anything..??? Why is that?
Love the real life therapy examples you give on the topic
Cheers!
was told growing up by my mom that the reason why they fought all the time was because of me. didnt expect these words to impact me as a a person but here we are now lol.
Thank you 👏 great content
Thank you so much for this video! I thought for a while that I was FA, but this video made it clear to me that I’m not. I’m probably securely attached.
how did you even end up here when you're securely attached💀
@@shockedpikachuface7376 Because I’m new to romantic relationships and I had a boyfriend who was AP that was really making me uncomfortable. He didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that he fell head over heels while I was still trying to figure out if I even liked him. I wanted to see if there was something wrong with me because he was perfect on paper.
Cool that you did a sequel to the older video.
Thank you!
Can you make a video on how to heal disorganized attachment?
Thank you for sharing. Would you put the attachment styles on a continuum? Since disorganized is part anxious and part avoidant, what is behind the parts of D.O. attachment that don't fit? Can it be fluid?
An example here would be the money. The D.O. I know doesn't have this issue at all as he recognizes it is dysfunctional. However, he often still struggles with the same feelings of inadequacy behind it, and still feels like he has to hide; has to hide that discrepancy, need still goes unmet, he can't even buy acceptance, and therefore feels perpetually like he is hiding. Lots of lies, lots of shame. But also believes them to be true.
Sounds like a typical internal struggle of a D.O. but how would you address someone who feels like this?
Hope that makes sense!
Yes you make sense for sure!
For clinical work categorizing and thinking about it as flow charts is more useful. Overlaps happen but are often rooted in different experiences and these experiences and outcomes can be traced back and targeted in therapy.
Regarding the hiding. There must be something that your patient thinks they are getting from hiding. The disorganized will state an external pro to the behaviour (I cannot be rejected when hiding and will not feel lonely) and you can help them focus on internal costs to see the truth of hiding which is that when I hide I am always alone anyway and do not have a chance of ever being connected.
Pros, if they exist in disorganized are external and not internal.
Can you see a way forward with my suggestions?
@@drsia2323 Sure can, thanks! The cost is high. My guy has been hiding, as you've put it, for SIX YEARS. I'd describe it as being trapped with the door wide open. D.O. sucks! Lol
What happens if I believe everyone else instead of me is bad for not recognizing the good in me?
Working on healing this.
Great video. Is there a difference in thought patterns for those who developed a disorganized attachment from a frightened versus frightening caregiver?
Yes the former typically results in Ambivalent and the latter in Disorganized.
I thought what Dr. Sia said was very enlightening, at the same time… I think his response to this particular question is not helpful and unsupported by the research literature I have read on this topic. Although, after thinking about it, he may have answered it this way due to a lack of detail.
Rather than going into all of the weeds, I would point to the Still Face experiment, which (if you find a good video) shows how a 1 yr old child reacts to it’s mother’s facial expression in real time. When the mother is instructed to become ‘Still’ - deadpan, the child first tries to connect, then looks away - disengages, and eventually begins to squirm and thrash around in emotionally agony (at least that’s what it looks like to me). Having a primary caregiver with unresolved trauma, severe depression, or who has been frightened to the point at which they have developed a dissociated affect, it is easy to see how disorganized attachment could develop, especially as one adverse factor among many. That said, I doubt the content of the thoughts would be different. Although, there is research that follows children initially rated as having disorganized attachment into adolescence which has suggested that these children may develop a punitive approach toward their parent, or they may become parentified themselves and fawn over the parent. If I can I’ll find the citation to this research and provide it.
I have finally found myself through this video!!! I have suffered a long time and have unfortunately put my kid through the same by being very unpredictable. Please please please let me know how I can fix this for him? He is 13. He is very sensitive and introverted kid and has become a disorganized avoidant person already. My heart breaks to see this and I feel so helpless!! My husband refuses to believe he needs therapy but I can clearly see that he does!!
Also how do I help myself? If I dont change then I won’t be able to be a consistent parent from now on…
I'm wondering if a disorganized attachment would feel like someone else can see their thoughts?
The badness is something that I feel like is a burden to others if I share what's troubling me. I'm not too sure about the knowing thing but I can understand why some would believe it.
Thanks
my pleasure!
I was actually told by my parents that their fighting with each other WAS my/our (other siblings) fault! i know intellectually that this is not true as they still fight and i am not around. If any psychologist that i have ever saw had been aware of these different styles of attachment and tried to help me understand mine, then maybe i might of been able to of gain a wonderfully secure attachment by now! I feel totally let down by these so called professionals that i have employed to help me over the years as none of them have! Sounds like it is not too late but why is it that mental health professionals on the whole are not working on helping clients understand their style of attachment???
How to get rid of being disorganized step by step?
Great request, I will make a video about that ASAP!
Good video.Are you a a licensed clinical psychologist or counseling psychologist? And in which clinic are you working?
Thank you. I am a clinical psychologist and work at Mindhackpsycology.com.au.
Your jingle is too loud but otherwise absolute top content ❤
I got rejected n abandoned by my ex after 2.5 years
Thank you, this is a description 🫶
I always felt like a foul apple and was afraid that my crooked self could rub on other good people or that my inner darkness would affect them negatively. I left a lot of people because I thought I wasn’t anymore a service to them or because I thought I wasn’t a good influence to them… Now I know and can understand and sometimes even laugh about these thoughts, but sometimes I feel like Indiana Jones trying to not step into the infinite traps my busy mind sets for me (with good but weird intentions, but still sucky) 😅😘
I didnt know how to take it when my ex said He didnt help grow. My first thought was I was thinking, "What?" I had grown. I am always growing. it didnt make me feel quite good but I wasnt mad at him, because to me it wasnt true. Yes I had felt bad about what he did behind my back and I had to do the healing process at least half on my own, and it was a difficult time because at that time We weren;t about to see each other as much and during that time he was working super long hours and longer than me as well as dealing with a garnishment that took a chunk of money that was going to be for another car. But yea
Meditate guys. This things are all over the place today. A guru within you will ignite and show u a correct path. Best to understand urself first before going into a relationship. I have been ruined in my long term relationship by a avoidant attachment girl who i loved much and was to marry her. Meditate this will bring harmony to ur mind and reprogram ur subconscious.
❤helpful
8 billion of messed up humans on the planet...no wonder there is war, hunger. Etc etc...
Holy crap
Yes I know!
I'm waiting for 3 votes. So I can vote after.
Children 7 and under are very ego-centric, whatever happens, good or bad, is because of them.
FML 😢😢😢
May I offer a suggestion on presentation… You’re giving words but you’re not giving examples. And to call something weird when someone may be looking for help isn’t exactly the right thing to do especially when you’re not saying something like, “they’re thinking maybe weird or outrageous when compared to what we call the normal thinking such as… And give an example “
Also, know your material before you get on camera you could tell that you were looking for words are looking at a script
Also, take an antihistamine.
Hahahahahaha.So brutal : )
I will act on your suggestions CiCi! I do not have a script and I do not edit out mistakes. I do have allergies to point about antihistamines is taken! I will give more examples whenever I can. Please do bring your keen eye for mistakes to this space as it will help me improve!
Thank you for all you do for people & for being a person who handles nonsense with class.
I'm sorry that sad and pathetic idiot who critiqued you with such a lack of tact exists in this world.