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One's ability to "read the room" is sometimes a nice way to describe hypervigilance resulting from an entire childhood of walking on eggshells. This skill has served me well in corporate capitalism where narcissistic behavior is incentivized, but not as well in intimate relationships.
@@smalltv459 not that guy, but if you have to "read the room" with an intimate partner, then it is potientially an indication of a lopp-sided/toxic relationship. You're essentially trying to read their mind constantly. This results in becoming burnt-out (if you're constantly attentive then you have no time for rest); feeling un-loved (partner is not meeting your needs to the degree you do, whether that be because they are negligent or you're doing too much); enabling bad habits (reading their mind coddles them, and thus they might not put any effort in bettering themselves if you're already fully attentive); and, similar to the video, if you read the room, it means that you're pushing down your own needs in service to another's, thus all your engery is focused on other people. This blinds you to both what you need, and to whether or not you should even focus your engery on the other person. The difference here between "reading the room," and "being attentive," is communication. They're very similar. "Reading the room" is more like an expectation, and "being attentive" is like "I scratch your back if you scratch mine."
And a lot of abusers, as they're abusing you, praise themselves and their "good" character for being so very Good. It's literally happening simultaneously. It's hard sometimes, but I'd rather see it now than not be able to anymore. Then it's my choice. Do I pretend not to notice and bring it to their attention? Or do I call it out and see what kinds of consequences may occur? These are some of the new interpersonal challenges.
I remember when my parents became “people” in my eyes and not just these two dimensional “mom and dad” representatives. It was disturbing when I saw the deep manipulation, passive aggressiveness in its entirety and I had an almost hatred for them for a long time. But then I became even MORE in tuned than I already was w people and instead of having hatred for them (my parents included) I started having empathy and really understanding WHY they were the way they were. Now the biggest thing I see in people is FEAR. Even people who seem “bad”, I can see past that to simply fear and sadness.
People will always, without exception, tell you within the 1st hour of meeting them, exact who they are and their intentions toward you. This based upon extensive study at Stanford. Many will chose to close their eyes & just jump in hoping THEY will be treated better than “the others.” You won’t be. People marry these people and worst of all, have children w them. Uh. Don’t do that. If you were abused as a child - don’t have children. You don’t need children. They will not make you happier if you were abused. You have to get to reparenting yourself. That’s your full time job.
@@spaghetto9836 I believe that people who have childhood traumas become very good parents, or narcissists. If you're not a narcissist, chances are that you will be a better parent than average people.
I thought I could read people extremely well until recently I met someone who had such a carefully cultivated persona that he fooled me into thinking he was something he wasn't. Realising that it's still possible for someone to fool me after believing I had this gift was a bitter pill for me to swallow indeed.
I'm an expert in behaviour but I've also been fooled by some, including a psychiatrist who was ultra abusive, vicious and perverse on his patients, but 'perfect' in public, really perfect, which was very disturbing for analysis.
The good thing is , you know now how to to read people in a even more complex way. So when he thought he was getting over you he was really playing himself because now you have the knowledge that there are people like him.. you see how you learned something unintentional.
Because they feel naked and exposed, understandably. Even if you are coming from a place of curiosity/compassion/empathy. I've learned to keep the insights to myself, unless they ask. The inner sanctum is sacred.
@@chesshooligan1282 you can know certain things about them. red flags etc. you won't have a deep understanding. don't assume you know someone off a surface level understanding. people are often very deep and complex.
The way to read character is to open up to people slowly. It takes at least a year of knowing someone and spending a lot of time with them so you see them during difficult times. How they react when shit hits the fan is the best way to know who they really are. Don’t assume you know someone after a few months
Depends on what type of relationship you want with that person . If your looking to date a person yes going through tough times tells you a lot but the question is do you really want to spend a year dating a person to say I don’t want to be with this person. .. you can also focus on there actions the little thing .people always tell you who they are unconsciously just read the que’s not the words . Know your self helps a lot .
@@HansenFT in sport you get rewarded for invading boundaries and making opponents feel helpless, same in sales. Capitalism is all about invading boundaries via advertising. Humans are fuked up. I have a friend who is nice as pie, but as soon as we play sports he becomes an evil psycho
When someone does something wrong and I bring it up to them. How they react afterwards tells me everything I need to know about their character. If they apologize and are deeply sorry, they are an empathetic person who cares about others. If they justify their actions, dismiss me, or make it seem like I have the problem, they are not someone I care to have around. So many of these people pretend to be nice and kind, but that false persona is exposed when they fail to apologize for hurting others. That is my test: do they apologize when they do wrong and hurt others?
I am 80 years old and still feel an emptiness where my parent's love for me should be. I have learned to forgive them, and understand many things about them after reading many many books. The ache never goes away. It is dulled because I understand it.
I experienced something similar. I finally began to forgive my father for things he had done when I was 67. I began forgiving my mother before that. Now I am 74 and still trying to understand them. I have come to understand what they did to feed and clothe me and to appreciate that, but I am still trying to let go of the emotional side I did not get.
I don't think that empty spot can ever be filled. I think we realize we weren't the perfect parents either. They did not have access to the information that is available to us today. Just understanding birth order implications sheds a brighter light into the shadows. My parents were both the babies of their families. That alone speaks volumes. @@susanverhoeven4962
@@chseayy Thank you. There are many dozens of books that have helped me understand me and by understanding human nature and the information in these books I am able to cope with life. A must read is "Passages" by Gail Sheehy. Then another is The Games People Play by Eric Berne, Birth Order Theory by Alfred Adler. Of course I read I'm OK, You're OK by Thomas Anthony Harris, I ain't much baby but I'm all I've got by Jess Lair, How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. The first three have been my bibles and the others have also helped this square peg negotiate life. At 18 you may not have heard the expression "You cannot fit a square peg into a round hole." If you read these, I think you will be able to get through the vicissitudes of life. If you plan to have children, my Bible was "Let's have healthy Children by Adelle Davis. Be well and happy reading. These are all still available on line even though they were written in the 70s and 80s.
For most of my life I have felt like my boundaries are too "high strung", but as I age I realize my gut has been right for me. I give people the benefit of the doubt out of a lack of confidence in my own character. Now I realize I must put myself first in every budding relationship, and then reduce my boundaries over a longer period of time of reciprocity and developing connection. There are many beautifully mindful people in the world and they are PATIENT, not forced. It's easy to get swept up in the charisma and sexuality of others who are ready to give and take everything in a moments notice, but they are empty inside and will bring chaos and a lack of true connection. It is up to us as individuals to find peace and love internally.
Dont ever reduce your boundaries. For anyone. That is putting yourself first. Self respect and when you really have respect/love for yourself you wont accept anything less from others. They can choose to respect you and your boundaries (as you should also do for others) or they will be choosing not to have you in their life. Its up to them as you stand solid on your foundation
@@christymckee8133 That's actually a very good point, Christy. Good people respect boundaries and you never have to let them down. Now get off my lawn. 😉
I've been on a few dates that came about naturally in the last year. It's the first time I'm healed enough to really be able to see what's happening. All three wanted to rush into sex, rush into defining me, and were basically oblivious to me lol. One guy did something rude to me while we were out, so I mirrored the behavior. No anger, no passive-aggression, just literally mirrored the behavior. My full intention was to mirror in a loving way so I could understand more through his response. He stopped talking to me, drove me home in silence (I did everything I could to not seem happy, I was so calm, in a way I've never been able to be when tension is happening) but I was so happy. That entire ride home in silence, my life and the experiences I've had flowed through my mind. In the past I would have reacted by trying to get this person to "love" me. None of these men were capable of loving me though, and none of them are even capable of seeing me. The absolute absurdity is what had stuck with me more than anything. I will never settle for anything less than a real partner in this scary life again. If it never happens, I'm perfectly fine alone. Yay, healing can happen. ♥️
If you assume most people will disappoint you then you can be better prepared. I can’t wait to retire and be rid of psychopaths in the workplace. It’s all about exploitation and bullying. Avoiding them or dealing with them in personal life, however, is so easy. Observe behaviour not words. You know if someone really cares about you by listening to yourself and how you feel in your body. You might get a tightness in chest, a headache, or just feel low in the presence of someone. Your body will warn you. It works for animals. They are in tune with themselves. We overthink and end up rationalising, and ignoring dangers.
I recently had made a new friend and even though they hadn’t done anything (yet), I couldn’t understand why I felt so uncomfortable around them. I had that tightness in my chest, like you mentioned, and my whole body would be extremely tense. If I was talking, I couldn’t look them in the eyes, it would just leave me speechless and my mind would go completely blank. Later on, when I tried to describe to myself what it felt like, the only description I could come up with was that it felt like they were a predator and I was prey. I desperately tried to ignore what my body was telling me, but it’s reaction was so strong that It was impossible to ignore. I have never had such a strong reaction to someone’s presence. Needless to say, they we’re not a good person. Thankfully, even though I tried to ignore the way I felt, I didn’t stick around long enough to find out just how bad they truly were.
I retired and was soooo happy to finally be able to ignore those mean-spirited coworkers. Gawd! They sent out their flying monkey to 'see how I was doing'. It is so peaceful now.
Yes. You are describing the premise in a book, called " People Reading", where they stress that you must trust your own "gut" or instincts. You do not always, have to analyze it or try to put words to it. Many times, you are being manipulated by words that seem correct, but your reaction, in your own body is telling you otherwise. We are not trained as children to be "cynical" or looking for a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Careful! Voice is tricky. I have dystonia due to past trauma. My voice is shaky, which can give a misunderstanding of my tone, intent and even that I am nervous/unsure. It is so frustrating to be misunderstood based on my cracky voice.
It’s really heartbreaking sometimes to see who people really are, especially those you love. Once you understand and see the truth in someone, you can’t unsee it. Things will never be the same with that person.
Noone knows this better than those who have been with a narcissist. I knew I was naive but not *dangerously* naive and easily manipulated. I learned loads through that experience.
@@nihilisticnirvana Yeah, I believe it happens to us bc we need to learn about evil. We needed to end our naive nature. Its very dangerous in this world to be naive.
Same! I have been able to read and believe the behaviors and motivations of others more accurately since my experience with a narcissist. A narcissist will bleed you dry and have no conscience about the consequences. No empathy. I had to learn to see narcissism in order to preserve my life force and sanity.
@@sarahs5340 Exactly this! It's first to survive and get order out of chaos in ones mind and then it gets interesting and teaches one about human behaviour. And wow do I understand people now. We are all very similar with some on one end of the scale and others on the other and when empaths and narcissists meet..The empath will, if lucky, come out "reborn" with new knowledge for life, if unlucky, die. I was close to death but survived and man did I learn. Im grateful you have done the same, we will do better in life thanks to this knowledge, sister. The dangers we can avoid..Wiihooo!
I used to be blind in a sense that I ignored all red flags and was ready to accept everything for fear of abandonment. I was completely devoid of self preservation instinct even though as a child/teenager I experienced A LOT of abuse and developed multiple survival mechanisms. Right now I feel like I'm cursed with this weird ability to read other people's intentions, but I tend to see bad things first (I never expect good from others) which is most likely one of my survival mechanisms making me hypervigilant and always aware of my surroundings. I have always been nothing but giving to others, trying to rescue everyone, never judging always standing for those persecuted but too many a time receiving blows at the same time. This resulted in my love for solitude and it came with age (I'm in my late 40s). I was super naive with many friends and acquaintances in my 20s and early 30s. I don't care about people any more, 2 very close friends is enough and all I can handle.
Im 28 and i went theough pretty much the exact same thing!!!!!!wow .im healing and re learning and its been so rewarding. It takes every last courage u can muster but please try. Its so worrh it even though its ridiculously hard at first.the journey in itself is a reward
For years and years, I was easily conned, tricked, and fooled by various people in all different types of situations. I did a lot of research on human behavior and psychology. All sorts of in-depth topics, and despite everything I knew, I kept on being taken advantage of. It was like a curse that I couldn't break. Then one day, after yet another episode of being lied to and conned, I finally, finally got it. I finally understood the truth. I believed, and I was taught, that most people are decent, and you have to watch out for the occasional dishonest unhealthy person. And it's absolutely not true. Most people are dishonest and unhealthy, and occasionally you come across someone decent. This is the reality that we live in. We are surrounded and inundated by deeply wounded, flawed, scared, predatory people. This is the majority of people. This lesson took me most of my life to learn, and cost me dearly. Learn this lesson. It will open your eyes to how the world truly is. Might save your life one day. It goes like this: If hurting you benefited them in some way, and they knew they could get away with it, most people would hurt you. Prepare yourself and protect yourself.
Do you think a lot of it was you . When you learned to change your point of view you changed . Most people aren’t inherently bad but if you are willing to not set boundaries and let them set them for you. You will be despondent. Example if a child wants candy they know which parent will give in easily so they will go to that parent more . The kids not bad but his motive is to get candy from you. People will only do to you what you will allow them to do.
@@Maatson_ uh....no. it wasn't me. Healthy people don't spend their time cheating and conning others out of their resources, affection, and attention. I was lied to. And I believed it. Just like many people do. Just because I fell for it, doesn't mean the person running the con is innocent. Human emotional health is a spectrum. And most people are not very healthy. Your example is so overly simplistic that it's silly. And yes, if you spend your time as a human being hurting other people because it gives you pleasure and power, you are bad. Feel free to enable the abusers in your life. They won't be getting away with anything in mine.
It's hard to realize when your parents didn't have your best interest at heart. One doesn't want to believe it, all the pain that was caused. Recognizing it, is the first chance to move on. Keeping distance is needed sometimes although it's hard. One must build their own life and not being held back.
Its hard to decipher between this and them having your best interest at heart but lacking the tools to do a good job. I think my dad loves us and does what he can, but he also has many flaws. Its hard to know what to do with that
@@cory99998 You're rationalizing what happened to you. Making excuses for the people who harmed you is not healthy. I see now (after many years) how harmful and destructive my FOO was, and how that's impacted me. It's not a pleasant thing to understand about yourself. The scars are permanent. Best you can do is fashion a life based in a deep understanding of your experiences and their impact (imo).
@@genestone4951 i think they are right in some way as people have good and bad traits within them. Not all parents are aware of their patterns and even what is considered normal to them. They may have been acting based on how they were treated and that was the only tool they knew on how to raise you at that time. But of course I’m also not saying that they can get away with it without consequences. They will eventually realize this. Try to see them as individuals like everybody else who have their own issues and struggles and understand them better. That way, you will realize that it wasn’t personal in the first place. It was them projecting what they knew at that time. It would also become more easier to forgive them which is extremely liberating on your end.
I once looked over toward a relative sitting beside me in a car, and realised with sickening clarity that i had no idea about who they really were. That moment cannot be well described, but there is an emptiness and an awefull abyss that opens up, about what one imgines one once shared with them (some 20 years of my life). I have since cut contact and i dont regret ending that relationship. Now i try make peace with the version of me that couldnt comprehend who this person really was. I looked over toward this ageing person, and felt that there really was not a real person there, and that there really never had been. I had seen what i needed to see, before this awefull moment, when i finally and unexpectedly became desillusioned.
@@jane9469 i did not feel sorrow because i felt that this woman was radically unknown to me, i just briefly felt an awefull emptiness, like i had not been known by this person at all.
yes, totally feel the same about my parents, whom I dont talk to. One is so shut down I'm sure he must be deeply hurt but I'll never really know. The other plays her culturally-defined role so well and seems mostly happy with it, so I'm loathe to try and shake her out of it
@@ChannelMath I just want to say my mother was the same. Happy in her place. When my brother and I shocked her out she was traumatized and lost. She has never found herself again and is in such an awful place from where she was with her rose colored glasses on. I think now we should never have gotten involved. Maybe those we think need to be helped do not sometimes. Maybe they are not strong enough to realign for themselves. I see now we did a major disservice to her and her chosen life. Because we can see it doesn’t mean they can change it or want it like we do for them. So sad .
You were doing well until the end of this video and then you put on the rose colored glasss back on. Your ability to see people’s goodness and bring that out in them does not stop them from being vile or wanting to harm you. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow
Thanks Daniel! You always help me think deeper and realise hard things. I like to do a simple kindness assessment on people: 1. Are they competitive with me? 2. Are they dismissive to me? 3. Are they generally closed-minded? 4. Are they often asking favours? It tells me enough to avoid selfish, hurtful people and move on quickly … i have to be fast to make a kindness assessment before my childhood training to pathologically feed narcissists kicks in.
This is really good. I would like to add a test I give before trusting a friend: 1. If I won the powerball lottery would they be happy for me? 2. How much money would they ask for (or would they wait for me to introduce the topic)? 3. What would they do with said money? This is one of a few tests I use in my head. I have found that no matter what test you use only about 50% of people are true friends on a long enough timeline. Another easy test I use is if me and an attractive spouse split up and said ex spouse came on to my friend would they act on it? This test is a little more tricky though. If you think your buddy who has never had a gf would it doesn't necessarily make him a bad person (you have to put yourself in his shoes). That said if you think your good looking well to do different girl every day of the week buddy would you can't keep him as a friend, maybe use as an acquaintance, but no not a friend.
Very true. I have found the hard way that assuming people are honest, trustworthy, empathetic or other qualities of integrity or character is naive and sometimes dangerous. I now quietly observe how people show who they really are before trusting them. Formerly current occupant.
I’ve always observed that it’s easier to love more people than to trust them. For me, people Are Books. Every one of them a novel, most I don’t want to pick up or get to the end of because they give themselves away in the opening chapter. I go through life assuming people are untrustworthy until they prove to me otherwise. It sounds harsh, but it took me a harsh childhood to establish that benchmark, and it has worked for me.🤷🏻♀️
You are a therapist who no longer has to worry about office overhead and fighting insurance companies. Many, many people now benefit from your you tube channel, far more than if you were still in practice in NYC.
One thing I discovered is that reading yourself better can lead to some deeply profound feelings that are horribly disturbing, so it's no wonder people prefer living in an illusion about themselves and others. To me, one of the many reasons for my depression was to deny the reality of death and impermanence. If you are hopeless and don't feel like your life matters, then you can cope with death, because your life has no great value and it doesn't feel like you are wasting something precious when you are. That is, in itself, a sign of how greatly you value life, human life, your life, this existence, and all that gives significance to it.
When we know our shadows we are able to see others shadows. It gets tiring actually being able to see people’s darkness and they can’t even see it themselves and it frustrating…and you get accused of being crazy.
you're describing me before I awakened. Just wanted to be loved, I now love myself. Since my awakening, I can read people so well and know for certain that they're lying.
I often want to rescue others in the way I wasn’t helped. I learned early on that others aren’t to be relied on for emotional needs. You either “get it”yourself, or give it to others. I’m only able to because when my mother was around, she was very loving.
Happens way too often. People deny the obvious truth. Living in a fantasy is easier, they'll shut you down for saying what no one dares to say out loud. And at first, it gets to you, you start to question if you're actually the one in the wrong. Your self esteem and sense of value collapse, and it takes a long time to be able to piece it back together again.
I always see myself in others. I see people who have made some bad decisions but are actively trying to be better, kinder people. But the truth is - a lot of people can't face their own darkness enough to commit to change. This isn't a judgement based on feeling but instead based in truth. Not everyone wants to be "good." And that's okay. But I can practice discernment and believe people when they show me who they are. That is MY responsibility. If I don't listen to my intuition, then I'm the one to blame for getting hurt.
I was parentified from a young age and I always felt sorry for my parents. It felt like they were the children, and I was the one who had to keep the ship from sinking. I knew I would live a life watching people self-destruct and have little control over it. This theme has reflected itself in my romantic relationships as well
Same. Constantly playing the therapist role as soon as I could talk. It's tricky, I struggle to deeply connect with people. Defo working on it. You're not alone
Has someone found a way to help the self-destructive people in our lives, without feeling obligated and guilty, like it was a choice to help, not an ingrained need to takeover the problems of others
Being able to immediately identify a person's character has always been something I've excelled at. It was a skill I had to learn early on in order to survive in a hostile world. But I've recently come to realize that what I'm actually doing is identifying how someone might harm me. This however has created some blind spots. Learning to see ones vulnerabilities has helped break a connection barrier that only looking for the bad in people has created.
Shockingly I just realized that since love is a thoughtful action that my alcoholic father and my strict mom really were incapable of a spiritual/ relationship. Incapable of having a conversation based on wisdom and encouragement. I never was taught from someone’s insight for my safety/education. God created everything to give. I think we are starving/ starved for true vulnerable intimacy. Lord help us all as we seek You in Truth. For Jesus’ glory amen.
I feel like I've always had this gift of reading people's character and intentions and you're right, it doesn't make you v popular. Many times I've clocked someone in a group or workplace who gives me very bad vibes but nobody else seems to notice. If I say anything to other group members I get gaslighted and shamed. Then later on it turns out I was right but nobody ever comes back to apologise. I've learnt to not say anything and just exit from any interactions with the bad vibe people where possible, because they feel (and are) unsafe to be around. I have been fooled a couple of times by people I believe were sociopaths wearing extremely convincing masks. One was my ex who did show red flags but he put on an Oscar winning performance which meant I believed him over my own intuition. I'm practising no longer doing that, it is just difficult when so many people have red flags and combined with my own loneliness, I sometimes doubt myself.
what are some major things that stand out to you the most when “reading” someone? Is it primarily coming from a gut feeling or intuition? something they do or say? Combinations of things? I think I am pretty naive to the world in general and put trust in others too easily to truly understand their true intentions…which is why I’m trying to understand it better
@@merve347 As someone who experiences the same thing, I would describe the emotion as intuition but it is likely several factors that I am just noticing in my subconsciousness and have memorized as traits to be wary of, their attitude, their friends, how they compose themselves, the things they say, it all lumps up into a general assumption that is usually accurate.
@@blinkyy1088 I guess it depends on how often you interact with others and the types of people you interact with over time to come to these conclusions and be right about it. This makes me think about AI and its rapidly evolving state in understanding the human mind. It is more accurate and faster at processing information than us in many ways, if not at everything related to pattern recognition and computation. This parallels our perceptions of the world, how every individual’s world view is shaped differently. It would be interesting to note our individual experiences and the accuracy of our intuitions.
what I've noticed is women have stomach churning feelings towards ugly, weirdos, autistic people. Handsome guy who is charming can be biggest asshole and women don't bat an eyelid.
It happened to me eight years ago. After a breakdown and a loving relatioship ended, I started to read psychology book and I understood my heritage and family background. As a result I became more aware of energy around me and people's behaviour. It took me almost five years to recover and when I was ready to return to a normal life, I've encountered a narcissist, now I can rekon my father in disguise. I felt deeply in love with him and I accepted the worst treatment toward me because I could see the beauty and the good parts in him. I've received just betrayal, sarcasm, denigration and exploitation. Some crumbs of goodness and that's all. Not always what you gives comes back.
@@ManusiaOpia hi there! I could give you some titles but I'm Italian and I don't think that you can find the English versione of them. Sorry. You could start around certain topics such as " attachment style" and "wounded child". I've recently buy an intresting one on Kindle..." Legacy of the hearth" but I haven't It finished yet.
It’s important that we don’t over value the goodness in others . 1 good aspect vs 4 bad things does not make make up for it. We can be aware and still give deserving judgement.
People see what they want to see. There aren’t many of us on this planet that try to be deeply honest. Social media doesn’t help. Amazing video, I’m so glad I came across you channel by recommendation.
That's such an elegant way to explain it - you can't appraise people because there are feelings within you that are forbidden to be acknowledged, even to yourself, and until you can you can't see what's happening in others. And the first and primary people to appraise is the ones you weren't allowed to and which started it all, your parents!
You’re so right. Once we’re able to feel the repressed emotions and process the traumas so we can heal, we are able to see others’ traumas coming out, and thus have more empathy for them.
This came at a time when I'm realizing so much relating to this concerning my "friends" and family. I don't deny my perceptions anymore, and everything I realize in others. I take them for exactly what they are.
I accepted in principle the idea that if I failed to resolve my enduring conflicts within myself (closely related to my parents), my self hatred could never heal. I decided that I needed to love my parents as they are, but could only do this in total independence, so I could really know them. It took years and involved much self discovery. I have no regrets for it and came to see them in a quite positive light, despite some severe flaws. In doing so, my own flaws do not dominate me as they once did.
I was talking to someone about this the other day. They pointed out that I'd misread people in the past, and the way I explained it was that I didn't learn what normal looked like. My "normal" was messed up. It made me miss red flags all over the place because I'd grown up with those things being normal. It took me forming a relationship with a healthy, well-adjusted person to make me realize how not normal the things my family did were. This person would ask me questions about things they heard my family say to me or things they did, and I'd have to think about it for maybe the first time. It wasn't a pleasant realization when it started to sink in, but things started to make more sense. I had to really recalibrate my concept of normal.
This is a really important topic. I met this dude online, we switched emails and started writing to each other. We happened to live in the same city. We switched numbers and he called me. We would talk for hours on the phone. He seemed like an interesting person, so I started to get interested in meeting him in real life. So we met. Immediately when I saw him, I had this strange feeling about him. He smiled and was presenting himself as this kind and empathetic person, but I felt like the things he said and the way he behaved was fake. But then I just kind of didn’t listen to my instincts. I actually told him I need to leave and that I did not want to meet him again. But he started calling abd texting me, telling me I must have misunderstood him somehow. It was pretty much like talking to my mom. I had not healed myself from childhood trauma from my abusive parents. So I started go get kind of sucked into this false reality. Turned out he was a convicted double murderer. It was really difficult to get away from that dangerous relationship and situation. When I cut ties with my parents and started healing, I was so confused that how come I didn’t see or listend to the red flags about this guy. Turned out he was manipulative in the same way as my mom, and I turned into this kind of clueless and confused kid me when I was interacting with him, not believing my own experience. It is really dangerous to have unresolved trauma and it can lead into horrible situations. It’s important to be able to learn the skill of reading people who have similiar tendencies as those people who caused you to be neuroticly naive
Daniel - I (like many others) feel deeply fortunate to have found your channel. Your wisdom and insight, and your genuine sincerity, humility, courage, and desire to help others makes your channel an invaluable and rare treasure in an ocean filled with pathological superficiality. Thank you and please keep sharing your knowledge, experience, and viewpoints.
After a really bad breakup, I knew I had to make a change. I realized how much I was restraining myself for others, even for myself. It was a coping mechanism to deal with the world around me and it was destroying myself in the process. I knew I couldn't do it alone because I had this problem since I was little, so I searched for a good psychologist and started my self-discovery journey. It really helped me get a good picture of where I should start. A really helpful exercise was just looking at myself in a mirror, seeing myself, how I look when I am happy, sad, or angry. Like this, I understood that it's okay to express yourself. After a while, I started exploring my family and seeing how they have affected me. So, I started setting boundaries and realizing when I do things to others like they did to me, and correcting my mistakes. Also, I started mirroring my therapist, being more aware of other people's emotions and needs. Why do they do the things they do? I started to understand others more and know their true character. I am still learning about myself and others, and I love it. It's a hard road but a virtuous one. I encourage everyone to learn about themselves and start expressing their emotions and passions, not in a reactive manner but as an acknowledgment to themselves. And if you need help to do it, search for people who can help you: a close friend, a group, or a therapist.
Daniel Mackler is not someone with whom I always agree, but who I still find very inspiring in his unconventional, critical and even radical thoughts. Honing in on the goodness of people without being gullible.. certainly an art that takes a lot of practice. Thank you for that thought.
This brought me to tears. So raw, authentic, vulnerable. It is my belief born from experience that there is evil and evil individuals in the world. It can be dangerous to try and see/observe good in the evil ones. Not everyone is of this nature you describe, most are carriers of this human goodness, but not all.
Totally agree. Covert narcissists and psychopaths especially who are detached from their soul. They wouldn’t be so successful in wreaking havoc if they were easy to read like people with an attached soul.
Yes, that's what I have experienced, too! I have tried to find "beauty" in the "ugly", but I had to learn the painful lesson that some places hold no beauty. And this sad fact also explains the state of the world.
@@huwoman8019 eh narcissists come from and develop from a whole bunch of childhood trauma. It’s a defense mechanism x100% that breaks their psyche, and molds and creates their new person- who is constantly scared, terrified, insecure. Idk if that’s just “evil” though. It’s actually kinda just sad. They aren’t ppl with healthy childhood. They experienced their trauma so deeply, it attached and created who they r & destroyed what they could’ve been. Sad. Isn’t it ab actual mental illness?. Sad objectively if u take a moment for compassion. But I think evil exists. But not just in these mentally I’ll people, but in mostly everyone. Humans are evil. And capable of it. If we get enough emotion, belief, support, trauma, or justification, those “evil seedlings” / capabilities in us can WAKE UP in almost anyone. Kinda like how a lot of these comments are hateful and degrading and hurtful to those “narcissistic” people that hurt them… as long as we feel its “justified” the “evil” or “bad” we show, and have in us, we don’t seem to think it’s actually the same thing-low vibration, fear-based, vengeful, love-void, unenlightened, self-serving, etc.
@@sperez3275 of course it’s sad and tragic. It’s sad that out of childhood trauma they chose darkness (and not all narcissists have deep childhood trauma). It’s sad that given we are always given opportunities to change they continually chose darkness. Many deeply wounded people do not chose darkness. They also have defence mechanisms at play for example denial, where they refuse to see what is front of them. They may refuse to see the malignant narcissist enjoys their suffering and weaponises their compassion. I’m no longer that naive. Having compassion which I do, does not mean you also have to naive and in a state of denial. We all have free will. I personally would not choose wickedness and darkness. To each his own
"Drama of the Gifted Child," by Alice Miller, found during my formative therapy process, helped me understand my assigned role as an emotional telephone. To the determent of my true nature. It took decades to excavate aspects of that person. No doubt your genius level intrapersonal intelligence is at times a burden. Thank you for sharing your gift. ❤️🙏💞
my tests are: 0 - realize i am not perfect either 1 - ask people to do something, 2 - lightly disagree with what they believe or give constructive criticism ... you would see demons come out real quick. edit: i add another: 3 - give the person a gift: if he or she invalidate or humiliates or rejects your act of love.... run!
Yes, I gave my mother a gift when visiting her at the hospital last week. The response felt like resentment and a sharp arrow thrown towards me, while saying “you shouldn’t have” (not in the humble way at all) Why is that???
@@workonyourtransformation love is narcissistic injury to whatever "demons" they carry inside (as they are incapable of it). demons love to be hated and hate to be loved. Frankly that episode from your mum is a bit borderline and not clear and all depends on the tone. she rejected your gift, out of toxicity or out of not wanting to burden you with expenses? your intuition seems to suggest the first
My mother was my training ground, and my biggest obstacle. I'm still not quite able to accept that she's 100% malignant narcissist (and PROUD of it... her words!). I'm lucky to be alive! But, what I learned from having my eyes ripped open by her most recent vile acts is that I have a truth she'll never experience herself... _self-love!_ It's how I figured out why she tried over and over to actually destroy me. And I never before believed it's true... you can SEE psychopathy in their eyes! They totally check out... like witnessing them dissociating from whatever it is that they're just about to do to you. I don't even MIND that I had to go NC with her to save myself I've never been more terrified! A person with such deep seated self-loathing is a danger to society, as well as themselves.
You seem like an excellent judge of character, Daniel. I wish you were my therapist. You seem so kind and welcoming; someone who takes the time and care to help.
I let people tell me in early adulthood that my intuition was bad, because it hurt them and made them feel bad, so I shouldn't use it because it's bad to make people uncomfortable. And I should trust them because they are the healthy normal people, not me. Only pretty recently did I regain that intuition, and no longer feel terrified of speaking it. The last person I was close to did that thing as well, telling me that I did not know myself. I was wrong about myself. The pain of that knife and my inability to "change his mind" stand out strongly in my memory. I don't think I will be close to bad people again, because I do respect myself now, and I won't let them win.
I have experienced this as well. I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm still dealing with disappointment, frustration and understanding the gaslighting and denial of what I've undergone for years.
So true. Thank you so much for sharing this. I've been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of "evil" I've been seeing in others ever since I started healing myself and acknowledging the ways my parents hurt me even when they were not willing to acknowledge it themselves. Sometimes when I share what I see with others I'm perceieved as paranoid or cynical but I'm starting to trust that it's just people's denial to acknowledge the disturbing truths that I've been in denial about for a long time as well. So validating reading the comments and hearing someone else talking about this.
I found particularly interesting the part where you say that your ability to connect with the goodness of people even if they had bad intentions etc actually saved you and actually kept them and their positive parameters activated. Very interesting and I believe the same for me. But yes sometimes we tend to gaslight ourselves about the negative people actually demonstrated to us... But yeah I also believe that there is good in everybody. And something that saved me from difficult and hurtful relationships is to remember that not every body would hurt me. That's rather what to hold on to in order to filter who to keep close and who to keep some distance away. Not about the goodness people are capable of but rather the harm people are willing to inflict. This is a safer way to pick!
@@margauxtepartage most people would though… If they felt hurt enough, angry enough, justified, resentful, abandoned, taken advantage of, etc. Most human beings would tho… if they felt it was justified, or deserved. I think Thats why “evil” exists. Because of humans. Humans are evil. So it makes sense that yes, pretty much all of us are capable of it, and have the seeds inside us for it. Ppl hurt others on purpose all the time. Bc they feel it’s retaliation or deserved or whatever. That doesn’t make them evil. It’s jus interesting how normal humans can be capable of “evil” if we feel it is justified or “right”.😂
Sometimes I think when you are capable of seeing the good in someone, you become an enemy for them. If the bad has helped them to keep themselves safe, they feel insecure and sometime even violated by whoever dears to see good. They feel is the same as being weak.
What I can see is how genuine and truly passionate you are. I don't feel that while viewing other people discussing these issues on youtube. Therefore I actually finished 3 videos in a row already, and your realness makes it easy to understand immediately what you're saying. Things I've thought but not always put into words properly. I only just came across your channel today but, for the 1st time in ages, I'm feeling some hope in my ability to overcome my deeper traumas and eventually better connect with the person I am. Just, thank you.
I can relate to pretty much everything you mentioned in this video. Also, in my experience referring to person's inner goodness has its limits as sometimes there's just too much darkness (so ultimately darkness has control over the person and it might be dangerous being too kind and loving toward such people as they might interpret this as weakness). I usually use discretion and honestly, very often I don't have much hope that being loving would work, but deep inside I believe that at least I might be planting a seed and it's not hopeless. :)
DANIEL you are a treasure to all of us who are truth seekers. You discuss things that many ppl including therapists that will never even mention. So appreciate you more than u know.
You are such an authentic soul, Daniel. Your videos have tremendously helped me over the past year. After returning to my home country for three months, I uncovered traumas resulting from my family, culture, and my home country's history. Your videos are like a bitter medicine, each one so powerful that it forces me to purge the poison that has been running through my veins for so long. I believe I would have been lost and experienced much more pain and confusion if UA-cam had not recommended your videos
I can relate to what you speak of. I recognise this from a spiritual perspective as an awakening. The times of crying that I went through ‘dark night of the soul’ where I had realisations about my past, ancestral although not consciously. I really was forced to dive into childhood experiences ‘trauma’ and my upbringing and the beliefs and values that were put on me. Which then shaped my world and how I saw it and likely experienced it. I’ve done heaps of self inner work combined with psychodynamic therapy which have helped unravel who I am and who other people in my life are. It’s crazy the people that I was blinded too.. almost like I had rose tinted glasses on… well I now have clear glasses on and can see people for who they are. No judgement there but it helps me now have more of my tribe around me that actually is right for me and who I am. It’s been such a liberating journey. As you say it takes years … I’d say for me I began this work 20 years ago but it’s only been in the last 3 years that I’ve really recognised really the work that I had to do to really clear people who are either manipulative, energy vampires or who didn’t have my best interest at heart. It’s truly work worth doing but not for the faint hearted. You gotta be ready.
I've always been able to read the room because when I was younger, it was part of my survival instinct to read the room as fast as possible to see potential threats. So it's very interesting to see the point of view of people who are learning to use their intuition more ❤
Man I wish I could point to someone and say “they’re the reason I’m like this”. I feel like that righteous battle with someone who wronged you is so much easier to deal with than battling myself or shadows.
I too was so blind specially cause those around me somehow were telling me who I was. And I remember thinking that's not who I am, what are they talking about??? And now, oh boy, can I see them? You bet, I see them and I can see that they themselves contradict their own words constantly!!!! Loving every second. I have separated from them all and have so much space in my head now and I love it!!!!!
I do find there are many people who can read each other well, but few that are sympathetic to what they see and it results in a world of fairly harsh judgement for flaws and issues that people like said in this video can take many years to heal from.
It also makes me think that I grew up without the internet, and I know the difference between a genuine smile and a social or fake one. My little sister is 16 years younger than me. She's pretty much formatted by Instagram. She can't tell a deep smile from a smile where the person is just showing their teeth. 😮 This is a social skill that I think is fundamental, because the type of smile says a lot about how the other person is feeling.
About 10 years into my current job a new guy was hired for a senior position. I had a lower paid entry level role, but I didn't report to him. I had my own clients and projects and our boss even told us that I brought in more money for the department through my entry level projects than the senior colleagues with their larger, longer term, more intensive projects. I also managed the inventory, tools, and spaces, and was an extra set of hands for my senior colleagues on their projects. Early into the the new guy's employment I was working a split shift of morning projects and evening projects and decided to take a long lunch to run some errands and get some rest. As usual I let the crew know I would be back in a couple hours. About 15 minutes after my exit I get an unknown caller who leaves a voicemail. It's the new guy asking me to check in with him when I return from "lunch". I didn't know he even had my phone number, as I hadn't given it to him directly. I call him back thinking maybe I can handle his request over the phone and get back to my errands. He tells me it can wait and just to check in with him when I return. I wrapped up my errands and returned earlier than I had originally wanted because I didn't want the new guy's needs to interfere with my evening client's scheduled appointments. I get back to the job, pop my head into his office, and say "Hey, what's up?"... Without looking at me he says "Oh, Nothing, I just wanted you to check in"... I had no response... I just stood there with a confused look on my face after a pause said "Ohhh kayyyye?" and walked away. I chalked this up to him being weird, but I have learned so much more about OCPD because of him and his disordered personality. My career grew for a while, gaining more and more responsibility and promotions, and this guy was always odd with wishy-washy meaningless requests. What he requested of me often turned into goosechases without any real value to anyone or any projects, but I wouldn't find that out until after I had done the task. I really began to excel with my busy roster of clients, taking college classes part-time, and rising in popularity around our company through my work ethic, easy personality, and the word of mouth of satisfied clients. And then the "new guy" was promoted to manager. It was like a switch flipped and nothing made sense anymore. He was calling me in my part time classes demanding I check in with him even though he had my class schedule and work schedule. He began inviting himself to every client/colleague meeting because I never needed to keep my Outlook Calendar private to this point. He then began scheduling individual meetings with my clients and removing me--choosing to meet me separately to delegate individual foggy tasks. When I tried to talk with him about anything, from a simple "Which client is this project for?" to "What did you have in mind?" he would fly into a rage and call me lazy. I tried to talking to his boss, to HR, and even applied for many other jobs, but I had no degree to get me in the door, and didn't want to relocate at this point in my life. Through years of navigating his toxic idiosyncrasies I learned about Micromanagement, Narcissism, and then OCPD. Everything about him fell under OCPD. This self-righteous, useless list-making, resistant to delegation, hierarchal authoritarianism is all this one personality disorder called OCPD. The Narcissism was the sabotaging of my career and school and the entitlement. And I have no idea what makes him a moron at project management other than having low intellect. He's a hard worker, but gets nowhere and to this day has no idea what he is talking about, but damn the man can climb a ladder through smiling, BSing the people above him, and distracting everyone around him through Word Salad. He lost us so many clients, and so much internal organization, all so he could be "In Control". I now never return his calls and simply pretend I didn't see them. I work the majority of my career in secret with clients that ask me to work in secret, all while quickly accomplishing his entry level useless tasks and patiently sitting on them until he asks for them. I have 4 more years until he is of retirement age. His wife just got cancer and perhaps that will inspire him to retire early. It is a big bureaucracy so unless he bullies his own boss he is here to stay. I play competently distant with him now. I say good morning and good to see you, and avoid him as much as possible. Most everyone sees how weird he is, but they still think they are going to get through to him and that he can change. I tried with him. All I could do was change myself.
@@JohnSmith-bw8dn Remaining calm has definitely worked best for me in this situation. Earlier into it I had gotten caught up in his cycle thinking that I could get through to him or he would come around. No way and never happened. I learned about Grey Rocking from videos about narcissism and tried that. It worked. In my silence I noticed just how often he was bullying me and feeding off my frustration. I won't dive into any counter play with him, because I simply want him gone from my life, now, but it is tempting to be as mean to him as he was to me. I know I don't have the stomach for it, though, and he does. He likes being messed up. I do like the radical transparency approach though. And it happened last week! lol I was assigned a rush project with our CEO, and it was fully agreed all around that I was in charge on this one. But the OCPD manager was micromanaging/sheep-dogging me IN FRONT of the CEO and his Chief of Staff. The CEO said "Man, (OCPD manger)! I thought we all agreed JMFS was directing this one! LOL!" It felt SO GOOD to have him called out BY the CEO. He's kind of had his tail stuck between his legs since that moment. It'll perk up again, I'm sure, because he can't stop himself. That's what makes it a disorder. If I ever became this guy's manager I would hire an intern to manage him and keep him busy, lol. I think that we be the most satisfying form of petty, lol. Thanks for commenting, man. It's a journey.
@@jmfs3497one could never tell YOU dnt av a degree by your incisive intellect.Its nt too late to acquire it.This could be a case study in your thesis ,you hav first hand knowledge.ah LIFE
I have a fear, thinking you made an understanding about people only to realize that you simply entered yourself into another fantasy. That was a great video, very well done and self aware edit. what big claws you have
Like most good therapists, your honesty and experience helps your empathy. I like when you realize you are distracted, take a breath, and hit it from a slightly different angle. That you see when people are challenging your feelings and how hazardous this is for all of us.
can't get enough of your insights. Everything you speak about, I also have found to be the case. I could not judge a person's character until I got to know myself, through grieving and healing my childhood traumas.
Often times I am disheartened by my toxic and abusive upbringing, but I'm beginning to be grateful for the discernment and intelligence it has offered me. I am learning patience and compassion (partial thanks to Bell Hooks), however, I am enjoying the relief I get from (objectively) judging people and knowing when to step back and stop trying to please them. My discernment is improving to where I can tell better than before if someone is being disingenuous, deceitful, manipulative, etc. This is the most depressing superpower when you aren't fully healed. Nonetheless, I am grateful.
Hi Daniel, I discovered your channel only about a week ago, and your content really resonates with me. Our backgrounds are strangely comparable. I was also highly traumatised during my childhood, as the scapegoat in a disfunctional family system with a grandiose malignant narcissist and very angry father, and a covert narcissist mother, who played the victim until she died, and burdened me with her problems even when I was still a child. As can be imagined, this fucked me up quite a bit. Like you, one of my principal coping strategies has been becoming largely oblivious to the bad in people. I desperately clung unto the good in my parents, and, by extension, other people, in order to survive. This has brought me a lot, as I can really connect with the good in other people, even when they don't see this in themselves. This has, on the other hand, also brought me into much trouble, as I didn't want to see the bad side of people. Maybe needless to say, this attitude has led to an enormous crisis in my life, with extreme anguish, anxiety and depression, to the point where I wanted to take my own life. After this, I was forcibly put in a enclosed psychiatric unit, where they tried to force all kinds of psychiatric drugs, including antipsychotics, upon me, and even wanted to give electric shocks to my brain. Luckily, during all this terrible situation I kept my intuition intact, and deep down in myself knew these people that were trying to do these things to me were not developed minds themselves. My stubbornness probably saved me from irreversible harm. I have, like you, always had this uncanny ability to be able to hear by their voice if people were to be trusted, and sane, or not. This ability has never failed me, fortunately. After being dismissed from the psychiatric ward, which brought me nothing, and having had therapy with a psychologist assigned to me by the hospital for a long period, which brought me very little, I decided to solve my own problems, by acknowledging what had happened to me, seeing what I had become, without embellishments, and working with that myself. That way I have been able to have a very profound transformation, which has changed me permanently. Now I see myself for who I am, with my strong points and weaker points. I love myself, because I am a good person, who wants to be happy and wants others to be happy as well. I have also become very duscerning towards people, which I haven't been at all in the past. Because I feel connected with myself now, I also feel much more connected with other beings. From childhood I have always felt a deep connection with children and animals, and this has become even stronger. I used to let grown ups fool me with fancy talj and a well acted out persona, but this isn't the case anymore. Within seconds I can often feel what a person is like, and whether he or she can be trusted or not. I have not been depressed or anguished at all during almost two years now. The crisis that nearly killed me has dragged me out of my lethargy, and forcibly removed, burned away so many old patterns and beliefs. I have also become very sceptical about the mental health field. I saw that the psychiatrists were almost compketely inept at their job. It even went so far that fellow patients, who were in great distress and totally stuck, asked me for help, because the psychiatrists didn't help them in any way. I have at times experienced some inexplicable occurrences in my life, during which I sympathised with others who I sometimes didn't know at all so much, that I would take over some of their attributes, and knew exactly what their problem was, without feeling any doubt about this. After mentioning this to them, they agreed to my experience. It was really strange. I also feel that you have been a most wonderful therapist Daniel, and totally get why you had to quit at a certain point. I myself sometimes know I can be of some help to others sometimes, and that's what I try to provide. In my view western society has become extremely fucked up and disingenuous, after 40 years of neoliberalism. We take it for granted that those in power are liars, which shouldn't be the case. We cannot except truthfulness from leaders anymore, and thus have to seek it out in our own lives, in interaction with ourselves and the people that matter to us, or that we come across. Once again thank you Daniel, for who you are and for what you give.
I can relate to almost every aspect of this comment except for the part of being better. I am still on a healing journey and have much more work to do. You are brave and I am happy to hear of your success and ability to move forward it gives me hope that one day I may be able to do the same.
Exactly. True for what I've found, too. My friends have seen this in me for years, and I'm finally starting to appreciate it. Watering the good part...very good description. People are drawn to it, though, then jealousy arises. And people feeling less in the focus then start mischaracterizing me in efforts to tone down the spotlight. I used to let it happen, figuring it would make them content. But, there was never enough shrinking back on my part to bring them contentment. So, I remain mischaracterized except to those who see deeper and see the truth, like you. And, I'm thankful for that because it helps me know how far to trust. This gift you're talking about is well worth striving toward and perfecting.
That’s what that was? It’s disappointing when they let it take over them to the point they don’t realize they’re picking you apart. It was always those that affirmed me, that wanted to all of a sudden discourage and neg me because being who I was was putting the light on who they were and what they were not doing in their lives. It’s so insidious because it happens gradually and the more you’re around them. I know I’m not a self-conscious person so if i get the feeling I’m under a microscope being with a person, I’m distancing myself because I noticed what they all do is devalue you once they feel you’re “feeling yourself” even though they were not your only source of validation. Just weird.
I might add: to read ones-self better and flesh out the third dimension, a dream journal is valuable. I kept one for several years and upon reviewing, I was able to see certain patterns and repetitive themes that I had not been aware. The newfound awareness can be incorporated into the assessment of ones-self.
So thankful that I have come across this channel. Even in my 40s, I’m still feeling confused about certain aspects of who I really am. Daniel’s videos have been so inspiring and helpful. Thank you Daniel for your life-long calling and sharing.
I had an ok childhood, no abuse, but i have no clue what kind of people my parents are inside, and although I think I've figured out who I am, I haven't been able to connect "on a feelings level' (as Daniel says) to those parts of myself I'd rather not face. I don't get angry ever. I rarely cry. But I know I'm very angry and sad way inside somewhere. I guess I should let it out, but dont know how to start. many therapists haven't helped, except on an intellectual level, which seems all I'm capable of. Anyone else like this?
Have you watched the Crappy Childhood Fairy here on UA-cam? Or Patrick Teahan LCSW? Both channels helped me a lot with the problems you're talking about. I used to say my childhood was ok. Now I realize I was emotionally neglected - actually, pretty severely. Also Dr Gabor Mate has a lot to say about what constitutes trauma. And yes, I have learned how to express (in a healthy way) both rage and grief 😀it's great! Good luck!
there are so many parts we forget about our childhood, the way we were brought up and how we felt in certain experiences. there are so many books that can walk you through if you aren’t interested in one on one therapy but i would say getting a proper therapist that you can feel comfortable with (do not settle !! look until you find the one that feels right) but “No Bad Parts” by Richard Shwartz and considering shadow work if you’re spiritual can help you connect within yourself
This resonated with me so much. It was lovely to hear how coming to a better understanding of yourself has positively impacted your life and interactions with others 😊 Thank you for the insight!
Your videos are so thought-provoking and deep. Being able to read through peoples facades is an invaluable tool. Navigating through this world is like a war zone. What makes it particularly difficult is that people have so many masks that they use to project a false image. We are all playing in the sociopath’s playground.
Boom. I also have learned how to do this, so when I saw the title I thought "ok, this should be interesting...". And what you said has been exactly the same as with me. I had to study the behaviour and internal workings of the "character disordered" sooo hard compared to other aspects of psychology, and the reason was because this was my blindspot due to my family background. "getting it" with people of dubious character came hand in hand with getting my parents and therefore getting myself. One thing I would add is this - there is not just the fear of betraying one's parents, but also fear of seeing the *potential* in oneself...when one isn't ready to take full responsibility for one's own behaviour. Hope this makes sense!
Thank you for this video Mr. Meckler! It’s crazy to reflect on the many times my body and intuition told me someone wasn’t genuine and I completely ignored what I intuitively knew. So much hurt could have been avoided, but I needed these relationships to teach me and help me grow! I also tend to put too much emphasis on someone’s “good” parts because I want to believe everyone is genuinely kind hearted but that is not the case! Thank you for helping us learn how to protect our hearts and honor our inner knowing!
One's ability to "read the room" is sometimes a nice way to describe hypervigilance resulting from an entire childhood of walking on eggshells. This skill has served me well in corporate capitalism where narcissistic behavior is incentivized, but not as well in intimate relationships.
You are a straight G for that comment right there, much love brotha 💯
@@alexjonesmom you gave berf to Alec joe
Interesting. Can u share more about intimate dilemmas? Can’t seem to wrap my head around those ones
@@smalltv459 not that guy, but if you have to "read the room" with an intimate partner, then it is potientially an indication of a lopp-sided/toxic relationship. You're essentially trying to read their mind constantly. This results in becoming burnt-out (if you're constantly attentive then you have no time for rest); feeling un-loved (partner is not meeting your needs to the degree you do, whether that be because they are negligent or you're doing too much); enabling bad habits (reading their mind coddles them, and thus they might not put any effort in bettering themselves if you're already fully attentive); and, similar to the video, if you read the room, it means that you're pushing down your own needs in service to another's, thus all your engery is focused on other people. This blinds you to both what you need, and to whether or not you should even focus your engery on the other person.
The difference here between "reading the room," and "being attentive," is communication. They're very similar. "Reading the room" is more like an expectation, and "being attentive" is like "I scratch your back if you scratch mine."
@@smalltv459 Can prevent us from living in the present moment which is where connection happens.
‘Just because someone does something good for you doesn’t mean they are good. They might have buried motives they aren’t even aware of.’ Good lesson!
True 🎯🎯🎯
Everyone working at non profits
@@evav1633_oy vey_
And a lot of abusers, as they're abusing you, praise themselves and their "good" character for being so very Good. It's literally happening simultaneously.
It's hard sometimes, but I'd rather see it now than not be able to anymore. Then it's my choice. Do I pretend not to notice and bring it to their attention? Or do I call it out and see what kinds of consequences may occur? These are some of the new interpersonal challenges.
This is just cynicism
I remember when my parents became “people” in my eyes and not just these two dimensional “mom and dad” representatives. It was disturbing when I saw the deep manipulation, passive aggressiveness in its entirety and I had an almost hatred for them for a long time. But then I became even MORE in tuned than I already was w people and instead of having hatred for them (my parents included) I started having empathy and really understanding WHY they were the way they were. Now the biggest thing I see in people is FEAR. Even people who seem “bad”, I can see past that to simply fear and sadness.
So perceptive. ✨
Just wanted to add one thing. It's great that you have enough insight to have empathy for others, still remember to keep up personal boundaries.
Fear and weakness is the root of all evil. Courageous, brave people dont harm others, they also dont live long.
Great observation.
I can relate.
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." Mya Angelo
Maya Angelou, yes. great quote.
seems to contradict what Daniel's saying but not really
People will always, without exception, tell you within the 1st hour of meeting them, exact who they are and their intentions toward you. This based upon extensive study at Stanford.
Many will chose to close their eyes & just jump in hoping THEY will be treated better than “the others.” You won’t be. People marry these people and worst of all, have children w them. Uh. Don’t do that. If you were abused as a child - don’t have children. You don’t need children. They will not make you happier if you were abused. You have to get to reparenting yourself. That’s your full time job.
@@rs5570 🤣 I love this! 💙💚💜💗💛🤍
@@rs5570 Those last 5 sentences were so powerful. I'm definitely carrying that with me.
@@spaghetto9836 I believe that people who have childhood traumas become very good parents, or narcissists. If you're not a narcissist, chances are that you will be a better parent than average people.
Say "no" to someone, or don't give them their way and see how they react.
@@thanksagainforthetea Spot on ! Enforce those boundaries.
With a smile on your face while looking them straight in the eyes.
@@ClaraOneill1967 That's actually the way a narcissist would do it; so maybe that says something about you, eh?
Exactly!
@@genestone4951being forthright and assertive doesn't equal narcissism 😊
I thought I could read people extremely well until recently I met someone who had such a carefully cultivated persona that he fooled me into thinking he was something he wasn't. Realising that it's still possible for someone to fool me after believing I had this gift was a bitter pill for me to swallow indeed.
If you wish to understand yourself and others better, I suggest Internal Family Systems model and Nonviolent Communication.
Even people with gifts or psychic intuition can make an error here and there. It doesn't mean you don't have the gift.
@@beauthentic7493
Correct, that is just being human.
I'm an expert in behaviour but I've also been fooled by some, including a psychiatrist who was ultra abusive, vicious and perverse on his patients, but 'perfect' in public, really perfect, which was very disturbing for analysis.
The good thing is , you know now how to to read people in a even more complex way. So when he thought he was getting over you he was really playing himself because now you have the knowledge that there are people like him.. you see how you learned something unintentional.
Biggest secret just be silent and let them talk people tell on themselves everytime.
Yep
True!
So true
So true
Detectives and realtors do this regularly.
People tend to get angry when you understand them better than them
Because it comes off as arrogant, going around telling people about themselves
@@hereisayana8207I'd say invasive rather than arrogant but I can see how it might be so for you😊
WISDOM is the ability to recognize the TRUTH.
KNOWLEDGE is the study of the MECHANICS of the TRUTH.
UNDERSTANDING is knowing WHEN to use the TRUTH.
Because they feel naked and exposed, understandably. Even if you are coming from a place of curiosity/compassion/empathy. I've learned to keep the insights to myself, unless they ask. The inner sanctum is sacred.
@@haggai3.477add your "understanding" qualities to wisdom and replace "knowledge" with the word understanding then you'd be right
You will never know a person's true character by trying to read them. It takes time.
Only on rare occasions it takes time. Most of them you can tell straight away, within 15 minutes at most.
@@chesshooligan1282 you can know certain things about them. red flags etc. you won't have a deep understanding. don't assume you know someone off a surface level understanding. people are often very deep and complex.
@@chesshooligan1282 nope, if anything this is narc magically thinking lmao, projecting hard.
The way to read character is to open up to people slowly. It takes at least a year of knowing someone and spending a lot of time with them so you see them during difficult times. How they react when shit hits the fan is the best way to know who they really are. Don’t assume you know someone after a few months
Excellent points 💯 👏🏻
Depends on what type of relationship you want with that person . If your looking to date a person yes going through tough times tells you a lot but the question is do you really want to spend a year dating a person to say I don’t want to be with this person. .. you can also focus on there actions the little thing .people always tell you who they are unconsciously just read the que’s not the words . Know your self helps a lot .
My list
How well they take no for an answer.
The way they talk about others.
Whether or not the treat you as equal.
Whether or not they open up.
I had to write this down. I’m not too keen on the last one, so I’d have to give others a pass on it too.
Whether they open up??? A number of people don't open up because they were hurt badly
Good ones
The irony is, most "Bad" people I know are chronical testers of character.
We project our minds onto others thus they expect others to be as deceitful.
You mean constant testers of boundaries?
@@Notme811_you both. Character is intimately tied to boundaries.
@@HansenFT in sport you get rewarded for invading boundaries and making opponents feel helpless, same in sales. Capitalism is all about invading boundaries via advertising. Humans are fuked up. I have a friend who is nice as pie, but as soon as we play sports he becomes an evil psycho
Absolutely, because they are looking to exploit others. They are looking for those characteristics that will allow them to take advantage.
When someone does something wrong and I bring it up to them. How they react afterwards tells me everything I need to know about their character. If they apologize and are deeply sorry, they are an empathetic person who cares about others. If they justify their actions, dismiss me, or make it seem like I have the problem, they are not someone I care to have around. So many of these people pretend to be nice and kind, but that false persona is exposed when they fail to apologize for hurting others. That is my test: do they apologize when they do wrong and hurt others?
Oh yes, that is what i also found to be true in my experience.
If people react with maturity to criticism, that is a very good sign.
@@threethrushes Also be aware that there are such things as false apologies to keep the game going
very good test. I am going to use this.
Why bring up things that people do wrong??
Seems like you have the issue and the reactions you get are warranted at best
I am 80 years old and still feel an emptiness where my parent's love for me should be. I have learned to forgive them, and understand many things about them after reading many many books. The ache never goes away. It is dulled because I understand it.
I experienced something similar. I finally began to forgive my father for things he had done when I was 67. I began forgiving my mother before that. Now I am 74 and still trying to understand them. I have come to understand what they did to feed and clothe me and to appreciate that, but I am still trying to let go of the emotional side I did not get.
I don't think that empty spot can ever be filled. I think we realize we weren't the perfect parents either. They did not have access to the information that is available to us today. Just understanding birth order implications sheds a brighter light into the shadows. My parents were both the babies of their families. That alone speaks volumes. @@susanverhoeven4962
@@chseayy Thank you. There are many dozens of books that have helped me understand me and by understanding human nature and the information in these books I am able to cope with life. A must read is "Passages" by Gail Sheehy. Then another is The Games People Play by Eric Berne, Birth Order Theory by Alfred Adler. Of course I read I'm OK, You're OK by Thomas Anthony Harris, I ain't much baby but I'm all I've got by Jess Lair, How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. The first three have been my bibles and the others have also helped this square peg negotiate life. At 18 you may not have heard the expression "You cannot fit a square peg into a round hole." If you read these, I think you will be able to get through the vicissitudes of life. If you plan to have children, my Bible was "Let's have healthy Children by Adelle Davis. Be well and happy reading. These are all still available on line even though they were written in the 70s and 80s.
Same. I’m 70. I try to fill that emptiness by loving myself.
Well, shit
For most of my life I have felt like my boundaries are too "high strung", but as I age I realize my gut has been right for me. I give people the benefit of the doubt out of a lack of confidence in my own character. Now I realize I must put myself first in every budding relationship, and then reduce my boundaries over a longer period of time of reciprocity and developing connection.
There are many beautifully mindful people in the world and they are PATIENT, not forced. It's easy to get swept up in the charisma and sexuality of others who are ready to give and take everything in a moments notice, but they are empty inside and will bring chaos and a lack of true connection. It is up to us as individuals to find peace and love internally.
Dont ever reduce your boundaries. For anyone. That is putting yourself first. Self respect and when you really have respect/love for yourself you wont accept anything less from others. They can choose to respect you and your boundaries (as you should also do for others) or they will be choosing not to have you in their life. Its up to them as you stand solid on your foundation
@@christymckee8133 That's actually a very good point, Christy. Good people respect boundaries and you never have to let them down. Now get off my lawn. 😉
@@jmfs3497 no problem. Its always a good thing to let your boundaries be known.
I've been on a few dates that came about naturally in the last year. It's the first time I'm healed enough to really be able to see what's happening. All three wanted to rush into sex, rush into defining me, and were basically oblivious to me lol. One guy did something rude to me while we were out, so I mirrored the behavior. No anger, no passive-aggression, just literally mirrored the behavior. My full intention was to mirror in a loving way so I could understand more through his response. He stopped talking to me, drove me home in silence (I did everything I could to not seem happy, I was so calm, in a way I've never been able to be when tension is happening) but I was so happy. That entire ride home in silence, my life and the experiences I've had flowed through my mind. In the past I would have reacted by trying to get this person to "love" me. None of these men were capable of loving me though, and none of them are even capable of seeing me. The absolute absurdity is what had stuck with me more than anything. I will never settle for anything less than a real partner in this scary life again. If it never happens, I'm perfectly fine alone. Yay, healing can happen. ♥️
@@Natty183 i’m so happy for you 😊
I think that we tend to project onto people and then find that we were the false/inaccurate projector. Careful with projecting.☮
Oh thats a good one! Nicely put
Yes. In fact, the shocking truth on this subject is that, ultimately, there _is only_ our own projection.
☮️
We ignore the red flags and see what we want to see, hoping it will turn out to be our fantasized projection. You are correct.
Saving this
For me, I have to learn to trust my instincts. When people tell you or show you who they are, believe them.
*heart/#intution?
If you assume most people will disappoint you then you can be better prepared. I can’t wait to retire and be rid of psychopaths in the workplace. It’s all about exploitation and bullying. Avoiding them or dealing with them in personal life, however, is so easy. Observe behaviour not words. You know if someone really cares about you by listening to yourself and how you feel in your body. You might get a tightness in chest, a headache, or just feel low in the presence of someone. Your body will warn you. It works for animals. They are in tune with themselves. We overthink and end up rationalising, and ignoring dangers.
I recently had made a new friend and even though they hadn’t done anything (yet), I couldn’t understand why I felt so uncomfortable around them. I had that tightness in my chest, like you mentioned, and my whole body would be extremely tense. If I was talking, I couldn’t look them in the eyes, it would just leave me speechless and my mind would go completely blank. Later on, when I tried to describe to myself what it felt like, the only description I could come up with was that it felt like they were a predator and I was prey. I desperately tried to ignore what my body was telling me, but it’s reaction was so strong that It was impossible to ignore. I have never had such a strong reaction to someone’s presence. Needless to say, they we’re not a good person. Thankfully, even though I tried to ignore the way I felt, I didn’t stick around long enough to find out just how bad they truly were.
I retired and was soooo happy to finally be able to ignore those mean-spirited coworkers. Gawd! They sent out their flying monkey to 'see how I was doing'. It is so peaceful now.
Yes. You are describing the premise in a book, called " People Reading", where they stress that you must trust your own "gut" or instincts. You do not always, have to analyze it or try to put words to it. Many times, you are being manipulated by words that seem correct, but your reaction, in your own body is telling you otherwise. We are not trained as children to be "cynical" or looking for a wolf in sheep's clothing.
@@Choukobunbun Saving this
o
Careful! Voice is tricky. I have dystonia due to past trauma. My voice is shaky, which can give a misunderstanding of my tone, intent and even that I am nervous/unsure. It is so frustrating to be misunderstood based on my cracky voice.
Interesting, thank you for sharing this.
Same here. There must me some calibration done before making guesses. No sign is universal.
Subtle content is also a massive source, not just bodylanguage and non-verbal things. Many times the biggest source.
Agreed
It’s really heartbreaking sometimes to see who people really are, especially those you love. Once you understand and see the truth in someone, you can’t unsee it. Things will never be the same with that person.
Jeffrey Dahmer said the same thing about his Parents.
Doesn't mean you shouldn't love them
@@davidencinas6818 no one said you shouldn’t love them. You can love them from a distance.
Noone knows this better than those who have been with a narcissist. I knew I was naive but not *dangerously* naive and easily manipulated. I learned loads through that experience.
Same thing happened to me
@@nihilisticnirvana Yeah, I believe it happens to us bc we need to learn about evil. We needed to end our naive nature. Its very dangerous in this world to be naive.
Same! I have been able to read and believe the behaviors and motivations of others more accurately since my experience with a narcissist. A narcissist will bleed you dry and have no conscience about the consequences. No empathy. I had to learn to see narcissism in order to preserve my life force and sanity.
@@sarahs5340 Exactly this! It's first to survive and get order out of chaos in ones mind and then it gets interesting and teaches one about human behaviour. And wow do I understand people now. We are all very similar with some on one end of the scale and others on the other and when empaths and narcissists meet..The empath will, if lucky, come out "reborn" with new knowledge for life, if unlucky, die. I was close to death but survived and man did I learn. Im grateful you have done the same, we will do better in life thanks to this knowledge, sister. The dangers we can avoid..Wiihooo!
Narcissistic parents as well. I saw it in my last relationship too. It took the ladder for me to realize what was really going on.
I used to be blind in a sense that I ignored all red flags and was ready to accept everything for fear of abandonment. I was completely devoid of self preservation instinct even though as a child/teenager I experienced A LOT of abuse and developed multiple survival mechanisms. Right now I feel like I'm cursed with this weird ability to read other people's intentions, but I tend to see bad things first (I never expect good from others) which is most likely one of my survival mechanisms making me hypervigilant and always aware of my surroundings. I have always been nothing but giving to others, trying to rescue everyone, never judging always standing for those persecuted but too many a time receiving blows at the same time. This resulted in my love for solitude and it came with age (I'm in my late 40s). I was super naive with many friends and acquaintances in my 20s and early 30s. I don't care about people any more, 2 very close friends is enough and all I can handle.
I relate to this so much.
True friends. You're fortunate!
That’s amazing and reminds me so much of my boyfriend I really envy this trait
Im 46 and everything you wrote I lived. Im also in solitude and am liking it. Its 2 Timothy 3 happening out there.
Im 28 and i went theough pretty much the exact same thing!!!!!!wow .im healing and re learning and its been so rewarding. It takes every last courage u can muster but please try. Its so worrh it even though its ridiculously hard at first.the journey in itself is a reward
For years and years, I was easily conned, tricked, and fooled by various people in all different types of situations. I did a lot of research on human behavior and psychology. All sorts of in-depth topics, and despite everything I knew, I kept on being taken advantage of. It was like a curse that I couldn't break.
Then one day, after yet another episode of being lied to and conned, I finally, finally got it. I finally understood the truth. I believed, and I was taught, that most people are decent, and you have to watch out for the occasional dishonest unhealthy person. And it's absolutely not true. Most people are dishonest and unhealthy, and occasionally you come across someone decent. This is the reality that we live in. We are surrounded and inundated by deeply wounded, flawed, scared, predatory people. This is the majority of people. This lesson took me most of my life to learn, and cost me dearly. Learn this lesson. It will open your eyes to how the world truly is. Might save your life one day.
It goes like this: If hurting you benefited them in some way, and they knew they could get away with it, most people would hurt you. Prepare yourself and protect yourself.
You and I have had similar experiences. This is why I shut most people out and prefer to keep to myself.
💯
Also don't forget a simple laugh or a smile.
Do you think a lot of it was you . When you learned to change your point of view you changed . Most people aren’t inherently bad but if you are willing to not set boundaries and let them set them for you. You will be despondent. Example if a child wants candy they know which parent will give in easily so they will go to that parent more . The kids not bad but his motive is to get candy from you. People will only do to you what you will allow them to do.
@@Maatson_ uh....no. it wasn't me. Healthy people don't spend their time cheating and conning others out of their resources, affection, and attention. I was lied to. And I believed it. Just like many people do. Just because I fell for it, doesn't mean the person running the con is innocent.
Human emotional health is a spectrum. And most people are not very healthy. Your example is so overly simplistic that it's silly. And yes, if you spend your time as a human being hurting other people because it gives you pleasure and power, you are bad. Feel free to enable the abusers in your life. They won't be getting away with anything in mine.
@@crystalcole888 if you say so .
It's hard to realize when your parents didn't have your best interest at heart. One doesn't want to believe it, all the pain that was caused. Recognizing it, is the first chance to move on. Keeping distance is needed sometimes although it's hard. One must build their own life and not being held back.
Its hard to decipher between this and them having your best interest at heart but lacking the tools to do a good job. I think my dad loves us and does what he can, but he also has many flaws. Its hard to know what to do with that
@@cory99998 You're rationalizing what happened to you. Making excuses for the people who harmed you is not healthy. I see now (after many years) how harmful and destructive my FOO was, and how that's impacted me. It's not a pleasant thing to understand about yourself. The scars are permanent. Best you can do is fashion a life based in a deep understanding of your experiences and their impact (imo).
@@genestone4951 i think they are right in some way as people have good and bad traits within them. Not all parents are aware of their patterns and even what is considered normal to them. They may have been acting based on how they were treated and that was the only tool they knew on how to raise you at that time. But of course I’m also not saying that they can get away with it without consequences. They will eventually realize this. Try to see them as individuals like everybody else who have their own issues and struggles and understand them better. That way, you will realize that it wasn’t personal in the first place. It was them projecting what they knew at that time. It would also become more easier to forgive them which is extremely liberating on your end.
I once looked over toward a relative sitting beside me in a car, and realised with sickening clarity that i had no idea about who they really were. That moment cannot be well described, but there is an emptiness and an awefull abyss that opens up, about what one imgines one once shared with them (some 20 years of my life). I have since cut contact and i dont regret ending that relationship. Now i try make peace with the version of me that couldnt comprehend who this person really was. I looked over toward this ageing person, and felt that there really was not a real person there, and that there really never had been. I had seen what i needed to see, before this awefull moment, when i finally and unexpectedly became desillusioned.
I can relate. Its a truly sickening feeling with a mix of deep sorrow for them.
@@jane9469 i did not feel sorrow because i felt that this woman was radically unknown to me, i just briefly felt an awefull emptiness, like i had not been known by this person at all.
Hmmm. I like this. I knew that I didn’t actually know this person. She had shared nothing with me. Therefore I did not trust her.
yes, totally feel the same about my parents, whom I dont talk to. One is so shut down I'm sure he must be deeply hurt but I'll never really know. The other plays her culturally-defined role so well and seems mostly happy with it, so I'm loathe to try and shake her out of it
@@ChannelMath I just want to say my mother was the same. Happy in her place. When my brother and I shocked her out she was traumatized and lost. She has never found herself again and is in such an awful place from where she was with her rose colored glasses on. I think now we should never have gotten involved. Maybe those we think need to be helped do not sometimes. Maybe they are not strong enough to realign for themselves. I see now we did a major disservice to her and her chosen life. Because we can see it doesn’t mean they can change it or want it like we do for them. So sad .
You were doing well until the end of this video and then you put on the rose colored glasss back on. Your ability to see people’s goodness and bring that out in them does not stop them from being vile or wanting to harm you. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow
Yep
Thanks Daniel! You always help me think deeper and realise hard things.
I like to do a simple kindness assessment on people:
1. Are they competitive with me?
2. Are they dismissive to me?
3. Are they generally closed-minded?
4. Are they often asking favours?
It tells me enough to avoid selfish, hurtful people and move on quickly … i have to be fast to make a kindness assessment before my childhood training to pathologically feed narcissists kicks in.
brilliant list
brilliant list
I wish I would have been asking these questions recently, I just separated myself from a person who answers all those questions you posed with yes.
@@anthonymonroejr stay strong my friend, the great journey of your true self is about to go next level!
This is really good. I would like to add a test I give before trusting a friend:
1. If I won the powerball lottery would they be happy for me?
2. How much money would they ask for (or would they wait for me to introduce the topic)?
3. What would they do with said money?
This is one of a few tests I use in my head. I have found that no matter what test you use only about 50% of people are true friends on a long enough timeline.
Another easy test I use is if me and an attractive spouse split up and said ex spouse came on to my friend would they act on it? This test is a little more tricky though. If you think your buddy who has never had a gf would it doesn't necessarily make him a bad person (you have to put yourself in his shoes). That said if you think your good looking well to do different girl every day of the week buddy would you can't keep him as a friend, maybe use as an acquaintance, but no not a friend.
Very true. I have found the hard way that assuming people are honest, trustworthy, empathetic or other qualities of integrity or character is naive and sometimes dangerous.
I now quietly observe how people show who they really are before trusting them.
Formerly current occupant.
I’ve always observed that it’s easier to love more people than to trust them. For me, people Are Books. Every one of them a novel, most I don’t want to pick up or get to the end of because they give themselves away in the opening chapter. I go through life assuming people are untrustworthy until they prove to me otherwise. It sounds harsh, but it took me a harsh childhood to establish that benchmark, and it has worked for me.🤷🏻♀️
The events of your life will usually confirm whatever beliefs you have.
Guilty until proven innocent. I stand on this so bad.
You are a therapist who no longer has to worry about office overhead and fighting insurance companies. Many, many people now benefit from your you tube channel, far more than if you were still in practice in NYC.
One thing I discovered is that reading yourself better can lead to some deeply profound feelings that are horribly disturbing, so it's no wonder people prefer living in an illusion about themselves and others. To me, one of the many reasons for my depression was to deny the reality of death and impermanence. If you are hopeless and don't feel like your life matters, then you can cope with death, because your life has no great value and it doesn't feel like you are wasting something precious when you are. That is, in itself, a sign of how greatly you value life, human life, your life, this existence, and all that gives significance to it.
When we know our shadows we are able to see others shadows. It gets tiring actually being able to see people’s darkness and they can’t even see it themselves and it frustrating…and you get accused of being crazy.
Well its always good to see Im not the only "crazy" one. 🫂
you're describing me before I awakened. Just wanted to be loved, I now love myself. Since my awakening, I can read people so well and know for certain that they're lying.
I often want to rescue others in the way I wasn’t helped. I learned early on that others aren’t to be relied on for emotional needs. You either “get it”yourself, or give it to others. I’m only able to because when my mother was around, she was very loving.
Happens way too often. People deny the obvious truth. Living in a fantasy is easier, they'll shut you down for saying what no one dares to say out loud. And at first, it gets to you, you start to question if you're actually the one in the wrong. Your self esteem and sense of value collapse, and it takes a long time to be able to piece it back together again.
The core of political and religious extremism
I always see myself in others. I see people who have made some bad decisions but are actively trying to be better, kinder people. But the truth is - a lot of people can't face their own darkness enough to commit to change. This isn't a judgement based on feeling but instead based in truth. Not everyone wants to be "good." And that's okay. But I can practice discernment and believe people when they show me who they are. That is MY responsibility. If I don't listen to my intuition, then I'm the one to blame for getting hurt.
I was parentified from a young age and I always felt sorry for my parents. It felt like they were the children, and I was the one who had to keep the ship from sinking.
I knew I would live a life watching people self-destruct and have little control over it. This theme has reflected itself in my romantic relationships as well
Same. Constantly playing the therapist role as soon as I could talk. It's tricky, I struggle to deeply connect with people. Defo working on it. You're not alone
Has someone found a way to help the self-destructive people in our lives, without feeling obligated and guilty, like it was a choice to help, not an ingrained need to takeover the problems of others
Jeffrey Dahmer said the same thing in his diary.
@@stampcrabRead Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. She talks about healthy detachment. That book changed my life.
@@Missy-Leigh Thank you for the recommendation!
Being able to immediately identify a person's character has always been something I've excelled at. It was a skill I had to learn early on in order to survive in a hostile world. But I've recently come to realize that what I'm actually doing is identifying how someone might harm me. This however has created some blind spots. Learning to see ones vulnerabilities has helped break a connection barrier that only looking for the bad in people has created.
💯
very insightful
Shockingly I just realized that since love is a thoughtful action that my alcoholic father and my strict mom really were incapable of a spiritual/ relationship. Incapable of having a conversation based on wisdom and encouragement. I never was taught from someone’s insight for my safety/education. God created everything to give. I think we are starving/ starved for true vulnerable intimacy. Lord help us all as we seek You in Truth. For Jesus’ glory amen.
I feel like I've always had this gift of reading people's character and intentions and you're right, it doesn't make you v popular. Many times I've clocked someone in a group or workplace who gives me very bad vibes but nobody else seems to notice. If I say anything to other group members I get gaslighted and shamed. Then later on it turns out I was right but nobody ever comes back to apologise. I've learnt to not say anything and just exit from any interactions with the bad vibe people where possible, because they feel (and are) unsafe to be around. I have been fooled a couple of times by people I believe were sociopaths wearing extremely convincing masks. One was my ex who did show red flags but he put on an Oscar winning performance which meant I believed him over my own intuition. I'm practising no longer doing that, it is just difficult when so many people have red flags and combined with my own loneliness, I sometimes doubt myself.
what are some major things that stand out to you the most when “reading” someone? Is it primarily coming from a gut feeling or intuition? something they do or say? Combinations of things? I think I am pretty naive to the world in general and put trust in others too easily to truly understand their true intentions…which is why I’m trying to understand it better
@@merve347 As someone who experiences the same thing, I would describe the emotion as intuition but it is likely several factors that I am just noticing in my subconsciousness and have memorized as traits to be wary of, their attitude, their friends, how they compose themselves, the things they say, it all lumps up into a general assumption that is usually accurate.
@@blinkyy1088 I guess it depends on how often you interact with others and the types of people you interact with over time to come to these conclusions and be right about it. This makes me think about AI and its rapidly evolving state in understanding the human mind. It is more accurate and faster at processing information than us in many ways, if not at everything related to pattern recognition and computation. This parallels our perceptions of the world, how every individual’s world view is shaped differently. It would be interesting to note our individual experiences and the accuracy of our intuitions.
@@merve347 I agree with everything you said as well.
what I've noticed is women have stomach churning feelings towards ugly, weirdos, autistic people. Handsome guy who is charming can be biggest asshole and women don't bat an eyelid.
It happened to me eight years ago. After a breakdown and a loving relatioship ended, I started to read psychology book and I understood my heritage and family background. As a result I became more aware of energy around me and people's behaviour. It took me almost five years to recover and when I was ready to return to a normal life, I've encountered a narcissist, now I can rekon my father in disguise. I felt deeply in love with him and I accepted the worst treatment toward me because I could see the beauty and the good parts in him. I've received just betrayal, sarcasm, denigration and exploitation. Some crumbs of goodness and that's all. Not always what you gives comes back.
Hey Alice, I’m interested what psychology books were u reading?
@@ManusiaOpia hi there! I could give you some titles but I'm Italian and I don't think that you can find the English versione of them. Sorry.
You could start around certain topics such as " attachment style" and "wounded child". I've recently buy an intresting one on Kindle..." Legacy of the hearth" but I haven't It finished yet.
It’s important that we don’t over value the goodness in others . 1 good aspect vs 4 bad things does not make make up for it. We can be aware and still give deserving judgement.
It’s so easy to gloss over the “getting to know and read yourself” stage. It is a slow, difficult process…
People see what they want to see. There aren’t many of us on this planet that try to be deeply honest. Social media doesn’t help. Amazing video, I’m so glad I came across you channel by recommendation.
That's such an elegant way to explain it - you can't appraise people because there are feelings within you that are forbidden to be acknowledged, even to yourself, and until you can you can't see what's happening in others. And the first and primary people to appraise is the ones you weren't allowed to and which started it all, your parents!
You’re so right. Once we’re able to feel the repressed emotions and process the traumas so we can heal, we are able to see others’ traumas coming out, and thus have more empathy for them.
This came at a time when I'm realizing so much relating to this concerning my "friends" and family. I don't deny my perceptions anymore, and everything I realize in others. I take them for exactly what they are.
I accepted in principle the idea that if I failed to resolve my enduring conflicts within myself (closely related to my parents), my self hatred could never heal. I decided that I needed to love my parents as they are, but could only do this in total independence, so I could really know them. It took years and involved much self discovery. I have no regrets for it and came to see them in a quite positive light, despite some severe flaws. In doing so, my own flaws do not dominate me as they once did.
I was talking to someone about this the other day. They pointed out that I'd misread people in the past, and the way I explained it was that I didn't learn what normal looked like. My "normal" was messed up. It made me miss red flags all over the place because I'd grown up with those things being normal.
It took me forming a relationship with a healthy, well-adjusted person to make me realize how not normal the things my family did were. This person would ask me questions about things they heard my family say to me or things they did, and I'd have to think about it for maybe the first time. It wasn't a pleasant realization when it started to sink in, but things started to make more sense. I had to really recalibrate my concept of normal.
What a kind and gentle man. We need more people like you in the world. You are truly blessed and a blessing.
This is a really important topic. I met this dude online, we switched emails and started writing to each other. We happened to live in the same city. We switched numbers and he called me. We would talk for hours on the phone. He seemed like an interesting person, so I started to get interested in meeting him in real life. So we met. Immediately when I saw him, I had this strange feeling about him. He smiled and was presenting himself as this kind and empathetic person, but I felt like the things he said and the way he behaved was fake. But then I just kind of didn’t listen to my instincts. I actually told him I need to leave and that I did not want to meet him again. But he started calling abd texting me, telling me I must have misunderstood him somehow. It was pretty much like talking to my mom. I had not healed myself from childhood trauma from my abusive parents. So I started go get kind of sucked into this false reality. Turned out he was a convicted double murderer. It was really difficult to get away from that dangerous relationship and situation. When I cut ties with my parents and started healing, I was so confused that how come I didn’t see or listend to the red flags about this guy. Turned out he was manipulative in the same way as my mom, and I turned into this kind of clueless and confused kid me when I was interacting with him, not believing my own experience. It is really dangerous to have unresolved trauma and it can lead into horrible situations. It’s important to be able to learn the skill of reading people who have similiar tendencies as those people who caused you to be neuroticly naive
Daniel - I (like many others) feel deeply fortunate to have found your channel. Your wisdom and insight, and your genuine sincerity, humility, courage, and desire to help others makes your channel an invaluable and rare treasure in an ocean filled with pathological superficiality. Thank you and please keep sharing your knowledge, experience, and viewpoints.
Absolutely this.
After a really bad breakup, I knew I had to make a change. I realized how much I was restraining myself for others, even for myself. It was a coping mechanism to deal with the world around me and it was destroying myself in the process.
I knew I couldn't do it alone because I had this problem since I was little, so I searched for a good psychologist and started my self-discovery journey. It really helped me get a good picture of where I should start.
A really helpful exercise was just looking at myself in a mirror, seeing myself, how I look when I am happy, sad, or angry. Like this, I understood that it's okay to express yourself.
After a while, I started exploring my family and seeing how they have affected me. So, I started setting boundaries and realizing when I do things to others like they did to me, and correcting my mistakes.
Also, I started mirroring my therapist, being more aware of other people's emotions and needs. Why do they do the things they do? I started to understand others more and know their true character.
I am still learning about myself and others, and I love it. It's a hard road but a virtuous one. I encourage everyone to learn about themselves and start expressing their emotions and passions, not in a reactive manner but as an acknowledgment to themselves. And if you need help to do it, search for people who can help you: a close friend, a group, or a therapist.
Daniel Mackler is not someone with whom I always agree, but who I still find very inspiring in his unconventional, critical and even radical thoughts. Honing in on the goodness of people without being gullible.. certainly an art that takes a lot of practice. Thank you for that thought.
This brought me to tears. So raw, authentic, vulnerable. It is my belief born from experience that there is evil and evil individuals in the world. It can be dangerous to try and see/observe good in the evil ones. Not everyone is of this nature you describe, most are carriers of this human goodness, but not all.
Totally agree. Covert narcissists and psychopaths especially who are detached from their soul. They wouldn’t be so successful in wreaking havoc if they were easy to read like people with an attached soul.
Yes, that's what I have experienced, too! I have tried to find "beauty" in the "ugly", but I had to learn the painful lesson that some places hold no beauty. And this sad fact also explains the state of the world.
@@huwoman8019 eh narcissists come from and develop from a whole bunch of childhood trauma. It’s a defense mechanism x100% that breaks their psyche, and molds and creates their new person- who is constantly scared, terrified, insecure. Idk if that’s just “evil” though. It’s actually kinda just sad. They aren’t ppl with healthy childhood. They experienced their trauma so deeply, it attached and created who they r & destroyed what they could’ve been. Sad. Isn’t it ab actual mental illness?. Sad objectively if u take a moment for compassion. But I think evil exists. But not just in these mentally I’ll people, but in mostly everyone. Humans are evil. And capable of it. If we get enough emotion, belief, support, trauma, or justification, those “evil seedlings” / capabilities in us can WAKE UP in almost anyone. Kinda like how a lot of these comments are hateful and degrading and hurtful to those “narcissistic” people that hurt them… as long as we feel its “justified” the “evil” or “bad” we show, and have in us, we don’t seem to think it’s actually the same thing-low vibration, fear-based, vengeful, love-void, unenlightened, self-serving, etc.
@@sperez3275 of course it’s sad and tragic. It’s sad that out of childhood trauma they chose darkness (and not all narcissists have deep childhood trauma). It’s sad that given we are always given opportunities to change they continually chose darkness. Many deeply wounded people do not chose darkness. They also have defence mechanisms at play for example denial, where they refuse to see what is front of them. They may refuse to see the malignant narcissist enjoys their suffering and weaponises their compassion. I’m no longer that naive. Having compassion which I do, does not mean you also have to naive and in a state of denial. We all have free will. I personally would not choose wickedness and darkness. To each his own
@@huwoman8019What a beautiful way of expressing it; « detached from their soul » ! Perfect description.
Once you realize a parent could do such awful things to you… strangers doing awful things to you seems a lot more possible, you can recognize it
"Drama of the Gifted Child," by Alice Miller, found during my formative therapy process, helped me understand my assigned role as an emotional telephone. To the determent of my true nature. It took decades to excavate aspects of that person. No doubt your genius level intrapersonal intelligence is at times a burden. Thank you for sharing your gift. ❤️🙏💞
r/aftergifted
my tests are:
0 - realize i am not perfect either
1 - ask people to do something,
2 - lightly disagree with what they believe or give constructive criticism
... you would see demons come out real quick.
edit: i add another:
3 - give the person a gift: if he or she invalidate or humiliates or rejects your act of love.... run!
Ooh #3
@@Notme811_you Ye, I would love to hear some feedback if anyone has tried any of them. Good luck!
Yes, I gave my mother a gift when visiting her at the hospital last week. The response felt like resentment and a sharp arrow thrown towards me, while saying “you shouldn’t have” (not in the humble way at all) Why is that???
@@workonyourtransformation love is narcissistic injury to whatever "demons" they carry inside (as they are incapable of it). demons love to be hated and hate to be loved. Frankly that episode from your mum is a bit borderline and not clear and all depends on the tone. she rejected your gift, out of toxicity or out of not wanting to burden you with expenses? your intuition seems to suggest the first
@@workonyourtransformation perhaps u could investigate, by asking her if she like the gift or by giving another?
My mother was my training ground, and my biggest obstacle. I'm still not quite able to accept that she's 100% malignant narcissist (and PROUD of it... her words!). I'm lucky to be alive! But, what I learned from having my eyes ripped open by her most recent vile acts is that I have a truth she'll never experience herself... _self-love!_ It's how I figured out why she tried over and over to actually destroy me. And I never before believed it's true... you can SEE psychopathy in their eyes! They totally check out... like witnessing them dissociating from whatever it is that they're just about to do to you. I don't even MIND that I had to go NC with her to save myself I've never been more terrified! A person with such deep seated self-loathing is a danger to society, as well as themselves.
You seem like an excellent judge of character, Daniel. I wish you were my therapist. You seem so kind and welcoming; someone who takes the time and care to help.
The gift of insight can sometimes feel like a curse. I’ve always said, I feel like I’m in a movie but I’m the only one that knows it’s a movie lol
Omg yes!
I let people tell me in early adulthood that my intuition was bad, because it hurt them and made them feel bad, so I shouldn't use it because it's bad to make people uncomfortable. And I should trust them because they are the healthy normal people, not me. Only pretty recently did I regain that intuition, and no longer feel terrified of speaking it.
The last person I was close to did that thing as well, telling me that I did not know myself. I was wrong about myself. The pain of that knife and my inability to "change his mind" stand out strongly in my memory.
I don't think I will be close to bad people again, because I do respect myself now, and I won't let them win.
This happens with people who are afraid of your potential. Never dim your light for anyone!
When ur lied to by those closest to u growing up, then how would u know the difference as an adult. I can so relate!!!
I have experienced this as well. I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm still dealing with disappointment, frustration and understanding the gaslighting and denial of what I've undergone for years.
I'm wondering is it just paying attention to yourself more over the years like he said in the video? No shortcuts, that's how you did it?
So true. Thank you so much for sharing this. I've been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of "evil" I've been seeing in others ever since I started healing myself and acknowledging the ways my parents hurt me even when they were not willing to acknowledge it themselves. Sometimes when I share what I see with others I'm perceieved as paranoid or cynical but I'm starting to trust that it's just people's denial to acknowledge the disturbing truths that I've been in denial about for a long time as well. So validating reading the comments and hearing someone else talking about this.
I found particularly interesting the part where you say that your ability to connect with the goodness of people even if they had bad intentions etc actually saved you and actually kept them and their positive parameters activated. Very interesting and I believe the same for me. But yes sometimes we tend to gaslight ourselves about the negative people actually demonstrated to us... But yeah I also believe that there is good in everybody. And something that saved me from difficult and hurtful relationships is to remember that not every body would hurt me. That's rather what to hold on to in order to filter who to keep close and who to keep some distance away. Not about the goodness people are capable of but rather the harm people are willing to inflict. This is a safer way to pick!
Because even the most evil people are capable of good. But not all people would intentionally harm or neglect or disregard etc...
@@margauxtepartage most people would though… If they felt hurt enough, angry enough, justified, resentful, abandoned, taken advantage of, etc. Most human beings would tho… if they felt it was justified, or deserved. I think Thats why “evil” exists. Because of humans. Humans are evil. So it makes sense that yes, pretty much all of us are capable of it, and have the seeds inside us for it. Ppl hurt others on purpose all the time. Bc they feel it’s retaliation or deserved or whatever. That doesn’t make them evil. It’s jus interesting how normal humans can be capable of “evil” if we feel it is justified or “right”.😂
Sometimes I think when you are capable of seeing the good in someone, you become an enemy for them. If the bad has helped them to keep themselves safe, they feel insecure and sometime even violated by whoever dears to see good. They feel is the same as being weak.
What I can see is how genuine and truly passionate you are. I don't feel that while viewing other people discussing these issues on youtube. Therefore I actually finished 3 videos in a row already, and your realness makes it easy to understand immediately what you're saying. Things I've thought but not always put into words properly.
I only just came across your channel today but, for the 1st time in ages, I'm feeling some hope in my ability to overcome my deeper traumas and eventually better connect with the person I am. Just, thank you.
I feel the same way as you
I can relate to pretty much everything you mentioned in this video. Also, in my experience referring to person's inner goodness has its limits as sometimes there's just too much darkness (so ultimately darkness has control over the person and it might be dangerous being too kind and loving toward such people as they might interpret this as weakness). I usually use discretion and honestly, very often I don't have much hope that being loving would work, but deep inside I believe that at least I might be planting a seed and it's not hopeless. :)
I wish I could give you a hug!!! Through your bad childhood, you are helping others and your stories are so valuable!!! Thank you David! ❤
DANIEL you are a treasure to all of us who are truth seekers. You discuss things that many ppl including therapists that will never even mention. So appreciate you more than u know.
You are such an authentic soul, Daniel. Your videos have tremendously helped me over the past year. After returning to my home country for three months, I uncovered traumas resulting from my family, culture, and my home country's history. Your videos are like a bitter medicine, each one so powerful that it forces me to purge the poison that has been running through my veins for so long. I believe I would have been lost and experienced much more pain and confusion if UA-cam had not recommended your videos
I can relate to what you speak of. I recognise this from a spiritual perspective as an awakening. The times of crying that I went through ‘dark night of the soul’ where I had realisations about my past, ancestral although not consciously. I really was forced to dive into childhood experiences ‘trauma’ and my upbringing and the beliefs and values that were put on me. Which then shaped my world and how I saw it and likely experienced it. I’ve done heaps of self inner work combined with psychodynamic therapy which have helped unravel who I am and who other people in my life are. It’s crazy the people that I was blinded too.. almost like I had rose tinted glasses on… well I now have clear glasses on and can see people for who they are. No judgement there but it helps me now have more of my tribe around me that actually is right for me and who I am. It’s been such a liberating journey. As you say it takes years … I’d say for me I began this work 20 years ago but it’s only been in the last 3 years that I’ve really recognised really the work that I had to do to really clear people who are either manipulative, energy vampires or who didn’t have my best interest at heart. It’s truly work worth doing but not for the faint hearted. You gotta be ready.
I've always been able to read the room because when I was younger, it was part of my survival instinct to read the room as fast as possible to see potential threats.
So it's very interesting to see the point of view of people who are learning to use their intuition more ❤
Man I wish I could point to someone and say “they’re the reason I’m like this”. I feel like that righteous battle with someone who wronged you is so much easier to deal with than battling myself or shadows.
I too was so blind specially cause those around me somehow were telling me who I was. And I remember thinking that's not who I am, what are they talking about??? And now, oh boy, can I see them? You bet, I see them and I can see that they themselves contradict their own words constantly!!!! Loving every second. I have separated from them all and have so much space in my head now and I love it!!!!!
I do find there are many people who can read each other well, but few that are sympathetic to what they see and it results in a world of fairly harsh judgement for flaws and issues that people like said in this video can take many years to heal from.
It also makes me think that I grew up without the internet, and I know the difference between a genuine smile and a social or fake one.
My little sister is 16 years younger than me. She's pretty much formatted by Instagram. She can't tell a deep smile from a smile where the person is just showing their teeth. 😮
This is a social skill that I think is fundamental, because the type of smile says a lot about how the other person is feeling.
Exactly. It’s so important to understand this.
About 10 years into my current job a new guy was hired for a senior position. I had a lower paid entry level role, but I didn't report to him. I had my own clients and projects and our boss even told us that I brought in more money for the department through my entry level projects than the senior colleagues with their larger, longer term, more intensive projects. I also managed the inventory, tools, and spaces, and was an extra set of hands for my senior colleagues on their projects. Early into the the new guy's employment I was working a split shift of morning projects and evening projects and decided to take a long lunch to run some errands and get some rest. As usual I let the crew know I would be back in a couple hours. About 15 minutes after my exit I get an unknown caller who leaves a voicemail. It's the new guy asking me to check in with him when I return from "lunch". I didn't know he even had my phone number, as I hadn't given it to him directly. I call him back thinking maybe I can handle his request over the phone and get back to my errands. He tells me it can wait and just to check in with him when I return. I wrapped up my errands and returned earlier than I had originally wanted because I didn't want the new guy's needs to interfere with my evening client's scheduled appointments. I get back to the job, pop my head into his office, and say "Hey, what's up?"... Without looking at me he says "Oh, Nothing, I just wanted you to check in"... I had no response... I just stood there with a confused look on my face after a pause said "Ohhh kayyyye?" and walked away.
I chalked this up to him being weird, but I have learned so much more about OCPD because of him and his disordered personality. My career grew for a while, gaining more and more responsibility and promotions, and this guy was always odd with wishy-washy meaningless requests. What he requested of me often turned into goosechases without any real value to anyone or any projects, but I wouldn't find that out until after I had done the task. I really began to excel with my busy roster of clients, taking college classes part-time, and rising in popularity around our company through my work ethic, easy personality, and the word of mouth of satisfied clients. And then the "new guy" was promoted to manager. It was like a switch flipped and nothing made sense anymore. He was calling me in my part time classes demanding I check in with him even though he had my class schedule and work schedule. He began inviting himself to every client/colleague meeting because I never needed to keep my Outlook Calendar private to this point. He then began scheduling individual meetings with my clients and removing me--choosing to meet me separately to delegate individual foggy tasks. When I tried to talk with him about anything, from a simple "Which client is this project for?" to "What did you have in mind?" he would fly into a rage and call me lazy.
I tried to talking to his boss, to HR, and even applied for many other jobs, but I had no degree to get me in the door, and didn't want to relocate at this point in my life. Through years of navigating his toxic idiosyncrasies I learned about Micromanagement, Narcissism, and then OCPD. Everything about him fell under OCPD. This self-righteous, useless list-making, resistant to delegation, hierarchal authoritarianism is all this one personality disorder called OCPD. The Narcissism was the sabotaging of my career and school and the entitlement. And I have no idea what makes him a moron at project management other than having low intellect. He's a hard worker, but gets nowhere and to this day has no idea what he is talking about, but damn the man can climb a ladder through smiling, BSing the people above him, and distracting everyone around him through Word Salad. He lost us so many clients, and so much internal organization, all so he could be "In Control". I now never return his calls and simply pretend I didn't see them. I work the majority of my career in secret with clients that ask me to work in secret, all while quickly accomplishing his entry level useless tasks and patiently sitting on them until he asks for them. I have 4 more years until he is of retirement age. His wife just got cancer and perhaps that will inspire him to retire early. It is a big bureaucracy so unless he bullies his own boss he is here to stay. I play competently distant with him now. I say good morning and good to see you, and avoid him as much as possible. Most everyone sees how weird he is, but they still think they are going to get through to him and that he can change. I tried with him. All I could do was change myself.
@@JohnSmith-bw8dn Remaining calm has definitely worked best for me in this situation. Earlier into it I had gotten caught up in his cycle thinking that I could get through to him or he would come around. No way and never happened. I learned about Grey Rocking from videos about narcissism and tried that. It worked. In my silence I noticed just how often he was bullying me and feeding off my frustration.
I won't dive into any counter play with him, because I simply want him gone from my life, now, but it is tempting to be as mean to him as he was to me. I know I don't have the stomach for it, though, and he does. He likes being messed up. I do like the radical transparency approach though. And it happened last week! lol
I was assigned a rush project with our CEO, and it was fully agreed all around that I was in charge on this one. But the OCPD manager was micromanaging/sheep-dogging me IN FRONT of the CEO and his Chief of Staff. The CEO said "Man, (OCPD manger)! I thought we all agreed JMFS was directing this one! LOL!"
It felt SO GOOD to have him called out BY the CEO. He's kind of had his tail stuck between his legs since that moment. It'll perk up again, I'm sure, because he can't stop himself. That's what makes it a disorder. If I ever became this guy's manager I would hire an intern to manage him and keep him busy, lol. I think that we be the most satisfying form of petty, lol.
Thanks for commenting, man. It's a journey.
@@jmfs3497one could never tell YOU dnt av a degree by your incisive intellect.Its nt too late to acquire it.This could be a case study in your thesis ,you hav first hand knowledge.ah LIFE
Daniel, your talks are so insanely helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
This is exactly what I'm going through. And I've never heard it articulated. It is a gift.
I have a fear, thinking you made an understanding about people only to realize that you simply entered yourself into another fantasy. That was a great video, very well done and self aware
edit. what big claws you have
Like most good therapists, your honesty and experience helps your empathy. I like when you realize you are distracted, take a breath, and hit it from a slightly different angle. That you see when people are challenging your feelings and how hazardous this is for all of us.
This talk is so sad and yet so beautiful at the same time. thank you for posting this. it is so profound and has the hallmark of truth.
can't get enough of your insights. Everything you speak about, I also have found to be the case. I could not judge a person's character until I got to know myself, through grieving and healing my childhood traumas.
I’ve learned more from this dude in 3 videos than anyone else in my life
Often times I am disheartened by my toxic and abusive upbringing, but I'm beginning to be grateful for the discernment and intelligence it has offered me. I am learning patience and compassion (partial thanks to Bell Hooks), however, I am enjoying the relief I get from (objectively) judging people and knowing when to step back and stop trying to please them. My discernment is improving to where I can tell better than before if someone is being disingenuous, deceitful, manipulative, etc.
This is the most depressing superpower when you aren't fully healed. Nonetheless, I am grateful.
❤🔥💯🩵💯
Did I just stumble across the most profound yet humanly accessible video on UA-cam 😮
Yes I did
Me too, just found him today....good luck in your continuing search for peace TLC...
I enjoy your talks and your transparency very much. Thank you for helping us to understand all the things we’ve been through.
Hi Daniel, I discovered your channel only about a week ago, and your content really resonates with me. Our backgrounds are strangely comparable. I was also highly traumatised during my childhood, as the scapegoat in a disfunctional family system with a grandiose malignant narcissist and very angry father, and a covert narcissist mother, who played the victim until she died, and burdened me with her problems even when I was still a child. As can be imagined, this fucked me up quite a bit. Like you, one of my principal coping strategies has been becoming largely oblivious to the bad in people. I desperately clung unto the good in my parents, and, by extension, other people, in order to survive. This has brought me a lot, as I can really connect with the good in other people, even when they don't see this in themselves. This has, on the other hand, also brought me into much trouble, as I didn't want to see the bad side of people. Maybe needless to say, this attitude has led to an enormous crisis in my life, with extreme anguish, anxiety and depression, to the point where I wanted to take my own life. After this, I was forcibly put in a enclosed psychiatric unit, where they tried to force all kinds of psychiatric drugs, including antipsychotics, upon me, and even wanted to give electric shocks to my brain. Luckily, during all this terrible situation I kept my intuition intact, and deep down in myself knew these people that were trying to do these things to me were not developed minds themselves. My stubbornness probably saved me from irreversible harm. I have, like you, always had this uncanny ability to be able to hear by their voice if people were to be trusted, and sane, or not. This ability has never failed me, fortunately. After being dismissed from the psychiatric ward, which brought me nothing, and having had therapy with a psychologist assigned to me by the hospital for a long period, which brought me very little, I decided to solve my own problems, by acknowledging what had happened to me, seeing what I had become, without embellishments, and working with that myself. That way I have been able to have a very profound transformation, which has changed me permanently. Now I see myself for who I am, with my strong points and weaker points. I love myself, because I am a good person, who wants to be happy and wants others to be happy as well. I have also become very duscerning towards people, which I haven't been at all in the past. Because I feel connected with myself now, I also feel much more connected with other beings. From childhood I have always felt a deep connection with children and animals, and this has become even stronger. I used to let grown ups fool me with fancy talj and a well acted out persona, but this isn't the case anymore. Within seconds I can often feel what a person is like, and whether he or she can be trusted or not. I have not been depressed or anguished at all during almost two years now. The crisis that nearly killed me has dragged me out of my lethargy, and forcibly removed, burned away so many old patterns and beliefs. I have also become very sceptical about the mental health field. I saw that the psychiatrists were almost compketely inept at their job. It even went so far that fellow patients, who were in great distress and totally stuck, asked me for help, because the psychiatrists didn't help them in any way. I have at times experienced some inexplicable occurrences in my life, during which I sympathised with others who I sometimes didn't know at all so much, that I would take over some of their attributes, and knew exactly what their problem was, without feeling any doubt about this. After mentioning this to them, they agreed to my experience. It was really strange. I also feel that you have been a most wonderful therapist Daniel, and totally get why you had to quit at a certain point. I myself sometimes know I can be of some help to others sometimes, and that's what I try to provide. In my view western society has become extremely fucked up and disingenuous, after 40 years of neoliberalism. We take it for granted that those in power are liars, which shouldn't be the case. We cannot except truthfulness from leaders anymore, and thus have to seek it out in our own lives, in interaction with ourselves and the people that matter to us, or that we come across. Once again thank you Daniel, for who you are and for what you give.
You’re welcome ☺️
God bless you Tim
Good luck to you Tim...you will make it.
I can relate to almost every aspect of this comment except for the part of being better. I am still on a healing journey and have much more work to do. You are brave and I am happy to hear of your success and ability to move forward it gives me hope that one day I may be able to do the same.
Wow need more people like u
I always vote for people that help themselves
I say my pain my healing
Exactly. True for what I've found, too. My friends have seen this in me for years, and I'm finally starting to appreciate it. Watering the good part...very good description. People are drawn to it, though, then jealousy arises. And people feeling less in the focus then start mischaracterizing me in efforts to tone down the spotlight. I used to let it happen, figuring it would make them content. But, there was never enough shrinking back on my part to bring them contentment. So, I remain mischaracterized except to those who see deeper and see the truth, like you. And, I'm thankful for that because it helps me know how far to trust. This gift you're talking about is well worth striving toward and perfecting.
That’s what that was?
It’s disappointing when they let it take over them to the point they don’t realize they’re picking you apart.
It was always those that affirmed me, that wanted to all of a sudden discourage and neg me because being who I was was putting the light on who they were and what they were not doing in their lives.
It’s so insidious because it happens gradually and the more you’re around them. I know I’m not a self-conscious person so if i get the feeling I’m under a microscope being with a person, I’m distancing myself because I noticed what they all do is devalue you once they feel you’re “feeling yourself” even though they were not your only source of validation.
Just weird.
I might add: to read ones-self better and flesh out the third dimension, a dream journal is valuable. I kept one for several years and upon reviewing, I was able to see certain patterns and repetitive themes that I had not been aware. The newfound awareness can be incorporated into the assessment of ones-self.
So thankful that I have come across this channel. Even in my 40s, I’m still feeling confused about certain aspects of who I really am. Daniel’s videos have been so inspiring and helpful. Thank you Daniel for your life-long calling and sharing.
I had an ok childhood, no abuse, but i have no clue what kind of people my parents are inside, and although I think I've figured out who I am, I haven't been able to connect "on a feelings level' (as Daniel says) to those parts of myself I'd rather not face. I don't get angry ever. I rarely cry. But I know I'm very angry and sad way inside somewhere. I guess I should let it out, but dont know how to start. many therapists haven't helped, except on an intellectual level, which seems all I'm capable of.
Anyone else like this?
Have you watched the Crappy Childhood Fairy here on UA-cam? Or Patrick Teahan LCSW? Both channels helped me a lot with the problems you're talking about. I used to say my childhood was ok. Now I realize I was emotionally neglected - actually, pretty severely. Also Dr Gabor Mate has a lot to say about what constitutes trauma. And yes, I have learned how to express (in a healthy way) both rage and grief 😀it's great! Good luck!
Try renting a rage room and see what comes out?
there are so many parts we forget about our childhood, the way we were brought up and how we felt in certain experiences. there are so many books that can walk you through if you aren’t interested in one on one therapy but i would say getting a proper therapist that you can feel comfortable with (do not settle !! look until you find the one that feels right)
but “No Bad Parts” by Richard Shwartz and considering shadow work if you’re spiritual can help you connect within yourself
This resonated with me so much. It was lovely to hear how coming to a better understanding of yourself has positively impacted your life and interactions with others 😊 Thank you for the insight!
Your videos are so thought-provoking and deep. Being able to read through peoples facades is an invaluable tool. Navigating through this world is like a war zone. What makes it particularly difficult is that people have so many masks that they use to project a false image. We are all playing in the sociopath’s playground.
Such a very interesting observation about people's tone of voice! 😮🤔
Boom. I also have learned how to do this, so when I saw the title I thought "ok, this should be interesting...". And what you said has been exactly the same as with me. I had to study the behaviour and internal workings of the "character disordered" sooo hard compared to other aspects of psychology, and the reason was because this was my blindspot due to my family background. "getting it" with people of dubious character came hand in hand with getting my parents and therefore getting myself. One thing I would add is this - there is not just the fear of betraying one's parents, but also fear of seeing the *potential* in oneself...when one isn't ready to take full responsibility for one's own behaviour. Hope this makes sense!
🙏🏽👆🏽
I admire you so much for having the courage to show your vulnerabilities. 🤗
❤️
Thank you for this video Mr. Meckler! It’s crazy to reflect on the many times my body and intuition told me someone wasn’t genuine and I completely ignored what I intuitively knew. So much hurt could have been avoided, but I needed these relationships to teach me and help me grow! I also tend to put too much emphasis on someone’s “good” parts because I want to believe everyone is genuinely kind hearted but that is not the case! Thank you for helping us learn how to protect our hearts and honor our inner knowing!
I've really enjoyed this lesson. It's so true and honest.