OMG!!!!! same here, unpredictable, rageful mom, i became avoidant, totally disconnected from my body, my emotions, have a lot of trouble to feel connected to people, honestly i feel like i just can not do it, there's this very deep feeling of loneliness... and i also think that there's something wrong with my brain because there's so much i cant remember, even now that im aware and i conciously try, like, names, faces, events....
We didn't have counseling, open conversations, we kept everything inside. That was the 60's & 70's for me. Now, we can get help & it's everywhere, books, webinars, zoom, telehealth, in person counseling.
I have been shaming and blaming myself my whole life. I am 59 and have been recreating an awful life. My depression is starting to lift from finally learning why I am the way I am. Thank you for cleaning the path for us all.
So last night I’m on the couch crying, talking to my husband because I feel so empty and wondering why my purpose in this world is. Well, here comes the universe with a whole bunch of answers this morning for me to begin working on. Thank you for this podcast. Here I go to create change.
That’s not the universe sending those answers. It’s soooo obviously the divine creator, God. The universe doesn’t give two shits about you or anyone else.
I myself didn't realize that I hadn't emotionally grown up yet till I was around 30 as well!! I was also a single mother of five children at that time! Smh. but I started digging into myself and began the journey of self-accountability and awareness. Where I was developmentally arrested, stunted and in denial of most of my feelings. It took about 5 years to realize that I had never gotten over my abusive dad and his extreme lack of acknowledgment and display of affection to me. my kids got to actually watch me grow up, albeit a little too late, they did see the changes. And they responded to the more peaceful homelife themselves. unfortunately, I had made a major mistake in believing that my fourth daughter was extremely shy. She had a strong startle reflex even in playful situations, and would hide behind me often. Needless to say, she grew up with me believing she needed more protection because she was so shy and sensitive to her surroundings. She is an adult working through some of her own anxious attachments. And with her, I discovered that I had misunderstood her responses. Having believed she was shy, I protected her and only addressed the issue of shyness with repeated encouragement. BUT....she was actually fearful, unsettled, anxious and untrusting of the mostly manic household!! my other four children adapted well through our evolution, but she was the one I had obviously neglected most. Because of my inability to see her perspectives properly. Not to address them properly. I was so wrong. Yet now I see that she was the one who needed what I didn't get myself growing up! Funny, yet not funny. she's almost 40 and has done well learning to understand herself. She's a professional and a high achiever. And like myself, she's running par to the same time frame of reevaluating her emotional evolution, praise the Lord! She also forgot a lot of her childhood, unlike myself, but has a greater understanding of how she developed her on anxieties in the presence of her (unaware of what she needed), dysfunctional mother! We both love your videos very much! Thank you, thank you, Dr Nicole...♥️🎉🙏💯
I am in awe and so grateful that I came across this conversation. Wow. Without exaggeration you may have just shifted and changed my life and my children’s lives in such a new positive healthy way. I’m not in a finically situation to be able to afford therapy or speaking events that I’d be able to afford this amount of powerful wisdom and transformational insights so I am so beyond grateful for both of you and the entire team for making this available for the world. For someone like me. Thank you.
I am currently realizing that my poor memory, stomach issues and thyroid issues is my body still having trapped trauma that my brain suppresses. I may be mentally disconnecting but my body stores the layers (old and new) of trauma and grief. I feel flatlined with life, no sense of purpose. Gonna make some changes to stop this merry go round. Glad I listened to this..healing is a process and I have been in touch with my therapist again, will also request to do more EMDR sessions. There are so many of us humans that struggle with figuring out what the hell is going on with us internally. As I pray for my situation, will pray for all of you, too 🙏 ❤️🙏
Hello: Feeling this too + developed hyperthyroidism after getting COVID in August 2023. I have so many memories from childhood I can't access or remember; while other siblings (real brother, two step brothers & a half brother remember). It's so strange to realize I have lots of gaps in my memory. It's January 6, 2024 and this conversation showed up for me; even tho I'm already subscribed to Mel's channel - need to listen & learn. Sending warm healing hugs to you both ~ ❤️🩹
I always wonder why so many people, that have experienced so much stress in childhood and as adults, have the need to make babies without thinking "would i really be a good parent?" "Can I truely give all my attention to that child for the next 18 years?". I think its because of several reasons: Subconsciously they want the baby to make them happy - what a burden to the child. Or they think its just the right thing because all humans make babies. There are other reasons too. But I have always had critical thoughts about bearing children and the work it involves. For a child to have a save childhood you have to be present on all levels - always.
When I read “How to Do the Work” and got to the part about dissociation, a lightbulb of stadium proportions went off in my head! OMFG, THAT’S WHY I DON’T REMEMBER!!!! My childhood was so chaotic, that I was never in my body 😢
Omgosh! I'm 63 and many years ago I realized I don't remember alot from my childhood, teen years and I was thinking do I have a brain tumor, early dementia. However there are other things I remember vividly, amazing how our brain and body copes. Thank you, I'm not losing it.
I also thought I was having early onset Alzheimers or Dementia. Learning about the connection to trauma a few months ago made so much sense and was a massive relief. It's hard to consolidate memories when chronically disassociated from the body.
Me too. I have no memories of birthdays, Christmas, vacations or anything. I feel like I just have this huge part of my life that is blank & didn’t exist.
I just realized that many of the memories I do have are merely memories of the photographs I’ve seen in family albums. I always wondered why I have no memories at all from being 10 to 13 or 14. Oddly enough I have very few memories of the years when my children were young and I was in an abusive marriage either.
I am 51 and sobbing listening to this. Feelings of overwhelm are flooding me; since my mom passed away in 2020, all of the things being discussed are bringing so much to light in my life right now and I've had to pause the video at 47:03. Feelings of anxiety, guilt, shame, hurt and...(I can't think of the word) but I feel like I'm dishonoring the death of my mom by thinking of our past and how I am just beginning to realize how it has shaped my life.
Yes, I’ve told myself for so long that my mom loved me, I feel bad saying, geez, my mom was NOT a good mom at all. I’m even worried someone will see this or worse, SHE will. But I can’t keep worrying about that. It is what it is and I don’t have to protect her. I’m not attacking her, I’m just saying what happened. It’s not an attack. The very best part of my mom would want me to heal and do whatever I have to do to feel better.
Everything you’ve said is me, I’m 66 and feel nothing. The childhood was awful to the point I was non functional in my early twenties.now I go constantly and try not to think. I don’t know any other way to do it
apathy for me it is like a deep sadness that you cant describe in words and have to get back to the day to day things like work/job to survive. so you can’t fully express your emotions because of other priorities or lack of someone else to understand
Amazing talk, you guys!! Mel- I'm your daughter right now. My parents have remained too immature to hear what I've discovered lately. It's been really hard to get beyond that. That my Gods are too weak to BEGIN to own ANY responsibility in the making of me. Thank you for validating my belief that my parents could choose to participate in healing themselves and our family. I WISH they would feel liberation in tolerating truth instead of drowning in fear and shame and denial. They took me down with them for awhile, till I almost died. The good news is I'm not going down with them anymore. That's their decision. Mine, in almost everything in life (LOL), is different. Thank God! Thank you, Dr Nicole, for normalizing some really painful shit!. You are beautiful and so articulate. You've helped me alot!! 💜💜💜
Mel, I cried during this jaw dropping podcast. Thank you and Dr. Nicole for opening my eyes for what feels like the very first time. I’m 57 years old and this could answer my life’s question of WTF am I even here for. Yes, many years of therapy but this is some real truth! 🙏🏻
I was an hold soul in a child body , now I’m a child in a adult body , growing up is a full experience , confusing and at the same time full of learning process with emotions .
How brave are you Mel? To have suffered as you did after the birth of your daughter only to suffer all over again with guilt. How amazing that we can heal eh? You and her. Not many would admit to not being Miss Perfect Mother, society doesn’t allow it. If society were more supportive of women who struggle when they have babies the world would be a much less painful place. You are an amazing being. Much love 💕 I wish all the healing in the world for your daughter and you.
I did not have children. I know at one time I did want children however my inner wounds from Mother it was blocked in my wants. I am 60, I work with children a student coach/parent advocate/tutor/liason between teacher and parent. I know from therapist same one since I was in my 20s how important families need to recognize the generations of families and birthing of all their children. I hope to continue to implement all this in my work with families. I will be sharing you and your testimony in my business for a path for them to consider!
I cannot express just how many "aha" moments I had with this talk. I am RUNNING to a bookstore! I thought it was just me. This offered clues for me as to why I sucked my thumb for a long time, why I had nightmares and sleepwalking episodes. I need exploration and I his book is the start .
I have been trying to heal from my traumas for many years, and I am 34 years old. I want a different life, better life but my past is keeping my life experiences from getting any better. 💯
So, I'm 18, I've been going to therapy for two years, because I had panic attacks and I've definitely got better at being with myself and managing my anxiety, I have also created a great life for myself I've been dreaming about. And a couple of weeks ago I told my psychologist "I don't feel alive, I can't feel my emotions and I'm not able to enjoy my life". I was (and I am) very overwhelmed by it, I'm so freaking afraid of it... Thank you for doing a podcast about it, I feel seen.
My mom yelled at my dad and my dad would just sit and say nothing. I yelled at my husband but he yelled back. I stood by my son and listened when needed. My son now does not share a lot, especially his grief, since his Gramma, Opa and dad have both passed away.
Perception of a lack of safety. I resonate with this completely. I'd even contend that if you don't feel this way from these past 2 years, you haven't been paying attention. Living in an upside down world will bring out anyone's "inner child." I find that mine is just shouting at me, constantly.
What an insightful conversation!!! I am 40 now... and it is so sad that trauma happens but it is not seen for what it causes. Trauma is how you experience an event... not how big or small the event may be. But we were taught to 'get over it, like your brother does'... Not to blame the parents, they were taught the same...
It's "self othering." I suffer from it severely. Something is wrong with ME in particular. I'm NOT fine... and "everyone else" IS fine, more or less. Good things are for "other people" ...and not for me.
@@meganscholeycoaching Yes, grew up in a very sick, unhealthy family full of traumatized people that made me believe that everybody was smarter and better than me. Until I figured out on my own that that just wasn’t the case. I was the youngest and I’m pretty sure the oldest brother and older sister were threatened by little me. They were monsters. I’m filled with rage and anger. You just don’t know. Anyhow, too much information, sorry. Best wishes!
These beliefs you hold are actually called self limiting beliefs. You thinking everything happens to you instead of for you is a victim mentality. Take your power back.
Omy God ...I have been having goose bumps as I'm listening to this podcast. I feel like sobbing, however I can't. Thank you Dr. Nicole and of course Mel. I thank God for coming across you Mel. You are that one woman, every woman can relate to. Stay blessed.
Can I just say how grateful I am to hear the memory issue being discussed? I feel like I have early onset dementia and even talked to a doctor about it and they said it's not dementia it's from prolonged trauma aka my CPTSD. I get frustrated easily because of my memory issues and it's embarrassing having memory loss. Dr. Nicole for the win again. That woman is a true gift from The Universe.
Monday when you said you’d be having an Ivy League educated doctor on to talk about trauma I was hoping it would be her! Reading Dr. Nicole’s first book right now and it’s so helpful. Thank you to you both for all the work you do, it’s helped me so much. 🙏🏻
Thank you, I gained more awareness from listening to this incredible exchange of information. I am writing me a sticky note and taping it to my walls in every room. My intent, then my question (am I aware? am I conscious? am I present? Whatever question I write to bring me back to my physical body) then the hook, inhale or breath. I gift this to myself on Valentines day today 💕. Mel may your sky's always be blue and bright. Thank you for the ❤️ and the upgrading life training lessons. Thank you Dr. Nicole Lepera, high 5 👋🏼.
Mel you helped change my life and this wonderful brilliant doctor is now helping me too... I can't express in words what this means to me... changing the course of my life and my boys...
This is so empowering! I am a professional musician and have a photographic memory when it comes to memorizing music and have been freaking out for years because I can NEVER remember anything about my childhood or even young adulthood. Thank you for this!
This makes a lot of sense! I just bought your book how to do the work and the workbook. I also got the 5 habits from mel. I haven’t been able to establish healthy love relationships or strong relationships. I have opt out and almost promised myself not to let anyone close or in, but i am realizing I am hurting myself and ruining my own chances of creating the life and relationships I so much desire. I can relate about emotional immaturity. I do act like that scared child and shut down because I do not know how to channel mainly my anger. In the past I either the shut down version of me or the explosive me. I started my work a little while ago, but like Mel said is constant work and I am not where I am and I will not stop learning to be a better and a higher version of me.
OMG!!!! “Suppressed my version of reality.” This phrase hit me because I recently realized how neglectful and abusive my parents were. I am sooooo disassociated from my body and even life because I don’t understand the stimuli and don’t know what to do with the feelings that result from it. HELP!!!
This is wonderful! It's like I have, for 70+ years, glimpsing many of the "truths" in Dr LaPera's Workbook. She lays it out pretty well. There is a learning curve - like plate juggling to usefully include & use all the ideas. I have been working with it for a week. It makes so much sense that our nervous systems store our experiences. I recall almost daily having whole body reactions to stimuli & situations that are stressful for me or others. I remember Mel saying, years ago now, that our brains have evolved to keep us safe & alive. I was driving over a mountain pass from New Mexico to Colorado & a bear flitted across the road. In that case I did feel some visceral fear. The same reaction has happened as a leaf blew across the windshield & I could not immediately identify what it was. My brain somehow "told" me I was in danger. Many of my "ahas!" from reading her book have been fleeting - in fits & starts. They explode in my brain & then fade into smoky wisps as I try to hold onto them. I still need to refer to the material again & again because I forget or misremember (a slippery term, that one) important points. Her method reminds me of Mr Miyagi in The Karate Kid. The only difference is that I will not receive Mr Miyagi's car along my journey. Thank you for this podcast.
Wow! Thank you both for coming together to deliver this good news. Healing my inner child wounds in my adulthood is challenging yet freeing at the same time. I grew up feeling disconnected from my body most of the time because I felt unsafe around me. 😢 Reparenting my inner child is totally worth doing the work inside out. There’s ups and downs yet I have more emotional maturity and tools in my toolbox to help me through whenever I have triggers & flashbacks. Coming home to myself as I processed , released painful memories stuck in my mind and body. I’m happy and grateful to be me now. Connected to my mind, body, and spirit. ❤ Blessings everyone. ❤❤❤
So many golden nuggets here!! I just ordered 2 books! 1 for me and one to have in my office to show clients who are struggling with feeling stuck and reactive! Thank you both!! ❤
1:26:48 I loved that question Mel and this was EXACTLY what I was feeling “We feel worse, we feel everything and we feel life more ❤” that was a gem 💎 as was the whole podcast!
Thank you for this amazing interview! You all described such similar situations and feelings that I’ve had all my life. Thank you for explaining all of this with such compassion, empathy, and relatability! thank you both!! Here’s to healing…
That was very enlightening as to why I have the programmed behaviours that can run automatically when I get triggered. Realizing I’m an emotional 4 year old in a 53 year old body resulted in a small bucket of tears. 😢😭😭. Thank You!! 🙏💚
Thank you so much. Now I know I'm not alone and there is hope to heal and meet myself. I type as tears just stream down my face. I despise crying, however this time it feels cleansing. I'll get the book and get back into therapy.
I learn something new every single time I watch your videos. I love your channel. Today’s conversation with Dr. Nicole made realized that I was living a disconnected state most part of the time during my childhood for different traumas I went through. I always thought like your said something was wrong with me because I barely remember any event of my childhood.
How do we as parents recognize when we are behaving emotionally immature, how do we look for those signs in our children and differentiate between them being their age or that we're screwing them up!?
This is exactly what I'm going through right now . I'm 27 and completely out of touch with myself. Grew up in an abusive household full of alcoholics. I'm a child in a 27 year old body. I cried alot hearing that. I feel so lost and I've never bought a book so quickly. I'm ready to do the work and process these emotions. I just never knew how to start doing the intensive work.
Follow her on Instagram too! She posts really great stuff daily. The work that Dr Nicole is doing and the awareness Mel has brought are literal lifechangers. Best of luck to you!
YOU are young! You have the heart the tools to heal. I am 63 work in progress for sure. Knowing is helpful doing is a challenge but knowing is HUGE. I was told I was stuck at 63 I shared above in a comment. YOU are young! You are wise. MEl is here she is saving me. HUGS! HUGS and more HUGS keep moving forward. BE KIND to YOURSELF!
To me her book was very basic and rudimentary covering very surface level knowledge, at least to me who had read some psychology previously. I highly recommend Pete Walker's book CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving, or even videos of him on youtube, he has been the most eye opening and helpful overall.
I really enjoyed your discussion on postpartum depression. It was very rough to watch someone go through it and not knowing how to help. I felt sympathy for both the mother and the child.
I have been captivated by this discussion and information. At 1:16:09 I started crying. Growing up in an extremely physically abusive household by my Mother, (with my Dad turning a blind eye to it) I remember identifying the dangers, the changes in my Mom, knowing when to stay out of her way, taking responsibility for my potential safety to avoid certain scenarios. Painful realization. I knew to keep my mouth shut, so I did. My mother today says “You seldom spoke as a child..” and would chuckle. I never spoke because I was terrified to rock that proverbial boat. I keep myself busy today, every day, or i feel anxious and angry. This is helping me understand the “why” behind my own emotions. Thank you
I completely relate to automatically shifting into panic stress mode in my nervous system when I’m around or talking to or thinking about interaction with certain people or events it rages throughout every single cell of my entire body and mind as I feel every single aspect of it.
This is so powerful I was listening to this while driving and at about 40:11 I had a physical reaction of putting my arm around myself because I felt so deeply what you were saying that my body language shifted and I felt the need to close myself off. Once I'm not driving, I will go back and listen to this portion and what was said so I can work through the thing that created the physical reaction in me. Ty for this episode!!!
Want to thank you two women for being authentic with your emotions and your healing path. You are both speaking out loud, my life. Going to get Dr. Nicole's book today. Thank you ~
My brain just 🤯 And I had an ah-hah moment. My mother could not self regulate. She would first explode and spew all of her thoughts and feelings over any mistake or perceived slight. She would then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. I went into ‘chase’ and ‘win-back’ mode. I would apologize profusely, profess my love, do sweet gestures, even buying her gifts to win back her love and affection. This would be the only way to get her to forgive me and love me again. Now as an adult, I find myself doing this is my relationships. I find it hard not to be in chase mode. And guess what? It doesn’t work! I end up driving people away or attracting those who are emotionally immature. All because I am still living in survival mode from childhood…😮
Fascinating! I am definitely the peacemaker, the one who holds the family together. I could never express my own feelings, their chaotic feelings were more important. So much was on my shoulders. My ‘problems’ had to be suppressed. Being traumatized by their sudden anger, yelling, unexpected eruptions, I kept soaking up their energy even when I wasn’t part of the problem. I feel maybe telling this to my family will be healing on its own.
Everything I’ve ever believed rolled into this video 😮! Mind blown 🤯 one of the most amazing talks!!!! Woooowhee ❤ Chapter 44 has been an expansive and wild ride!!
Gen X, similar vintage to Mel here. I'm the 2nd oldest of 4. My youngest brother asked me a couple of years ago why I don't like mum. Unfortunately he was asking the wrong question to the wrong person, but he didn't know the right question to ask. It's not so much that I don't like my mother, it's that we don't have any sort of bond. My mother was at the point of divorcing my father, having made plans with her older sister to leave, but then she found out she was pregnant with me, so didn't go through with the divorce. There is so much research out there about in-utero bonding between parent and child. I strongly believe that because I was rejected before I was even born, it has shaped my relationships with my mother and siblings. I find Dr LePera's short videos about different family relationships and behaviours fascinating. I've had a lot of opportunity to reflect during therapy about the roles that my siblings have played over the years. My older sister is definitely parentified - mum has treated her like the other adult in the relationship since she was a teenager. She has probably held the most "roles", as initially the Golden Child, then the Model/Family Mascot Child, but her most longstanding role is as mum's enabler/flying monkey. Unfortunately she is also my original bully. She set the tone for how our 2 brothers treated me, since her behaviour was never corrected by mum. Ironically she studied Psychology for a year at University as an extra credit, but doesn't have the insight to recognise any of this in herself. The first of my 2 brothers is and always has been the Golden Child. He was born after my parents finally reconciled and were in a better place emotionally. Mum projects so much onto him - he always knows what she's feeling, he's so empathic to her needs, etc. None of these attributes are true, but the family maintains the illusion. My brother can do no wrong as far as mum is concerned. My youngest brother is partly the Invisible Child, and occasionally a 2nd Golden Child. I can see how my sister aged 5 thought she might get back into mum's good books and be reinstated as Golden Child, by attaching herself to her new baby brother and being the best Big Sister possible. These 2 have the closest relationship, since my sister practically raised our baby brother. He's exceptionally intelligent, so when he did well academically, mum had reason to brag about him, but for the most part he was invisible. I'm the scapegoat, in case you hadn't guessed. Nobody likes the scapegoat because we see the inconvenient truth of what's going on around us, which nobody wants to hear about as it will shatter the illusion.
I have felt this way for years. I have felt apathetic and it seems that I just don't care. Disconnection has been part of me..Thank you for putting into words what I have felt for years.
It sounds like I had a similar childhood experience as Dr. Nicole. I apologize in advance if I share something triggering. A example of this is when I shared (it was advised by a therapist to tell my parents) that I was SA by a friend while under the influence. I was 19 at the time. My mother immediately said, "how could you do this to your dad?". Then berated me for drinking alcohol. Over the next several years they would casually bring him up in conversations, almost rented a house to him! They completely were unaware that I was traumatized and wouldnt want to know anything about this person. 20 years later I told her I dont feel comfortable that you are friends with this persons long time girlfriend on facebook, they now have 3 kids. She called me controlling. I had to go no contact with the entire family. My dad is a Vietnam Veteran with PTSD, he had trouble wanting to continue life during my childhood. He watched war movies constantly so those sounds have been in my head for over 40 years. He is also probably the most sweetest person otherwise. My mother (in my unprofessional opinion) has highly narcissistic traits if not full blown antisocial personality. Even after going no contact there are messages that come through and still the same "You" statements where I need to correct myself and think about other people. It was validating what I had learned where codependency comes from. I was diagnosed CPTSD and was in DBT. But I also think I was bordering on borderline personality disorder even though I went through all the testing. Some of the thought patterns and behaviors I still have but not as much are consistent with borderline. Good thing is, is if you know it, it is very treatable!
Thanks Mel! You and Dr. Nicole brought up so many common incidents for me. The newspaper dad used to hide behind, the silent treatment he gave me after reading my teenage diary, mom screaming after I went to bed, as if I wouldnt hear?! I can't list them all, and I am sure I dont remember them all. Do any of us even know the truth as family stories just seem to be accepted and then swept under the rug to show up in our unregulated adulthood. I have seen a therapist for 11 years, and got sober 11 in June. I am ordering her books to continue to "meet myself!"
Thank you for this podcast! This is so helpful to me, I cannot express it here in a short comment, so I will just say thank you to both of you from the bottom of my heart
Its sooo hard for me to organize thoughts at times to explain things to my family. Another result of trauma. Thanks for this. It covers me perfectly. Ill send them this.
The part about the silent treatment really was mind blowing to me. It explains why I try so hard to get closer to romantic partners when they withdraw. Particularly right now as im really struggling with a new relationship, she was just diagnosed with bipolar 1 and has withdrawn from me and Ive been frantically trying to get closer to her because I think I've done something wrong to make her pull away from me. That is just insane to me to have that explained that it comes from my childhood 😮
I love this! It also feels so overwhelming and impossible to be a good parent. I try so damn hard and I think I'm doing better than my parents but this stuff makes me feel so overwhelmed!
I’ve always had a hard time remembering much of my childhood and even things from my adult life. I always assumed the adulthood memories I wasn’t remembering was due to my smoking weed and/or drinking and blaming myself. Now I really think it’s due to my childhood ‘stuff’
Carol Tuttle’s book ‘The Child Whisperer’ book helped me amongst other life experiences, see the natural tendencies and natural abilities I was born with that were either shamed or not recognised and left me with limiting beliefs. My caregivers were unknowingly not attuned to me and my sensitivity or understood my needs. I too shut down my emotions and ended up with an auto immune disease. I do have clear memories/ flashbacks as far back as primary school but that’s one of my natural gifts. I’m now healing my body and mind. 💖
This is so fascinating. This is my first time hearing about Dr Nicole and her work, but I have been reading Dr Gabor Mate’s book The ‘Myth of Normal: trauma, illness and healing in a toxic culture’ and it is alllll of this, but from the medics doctor/ family physician’s perspective of this. Dr Mate’s early childhood is similar in impact as Mel’s daughter, where he was separated from his Mother when the Naz!s invaded Hungary (they were Hungarian Jews and he was quickly evacuated before his mother was caught up in a Budapest ghetto). For him, his trauma manifested in fear of abandonment (mother wound) and overwork and workaholism (driven to be accepted and needed). Im looking forward to checking out Dr Nicole’s work and the rest of this series, and try ans get to the bottom of my issues too ❤️
Mel, have you heard of the book The Emotion Code? This podcast episode connects so much with the concepts in that book. Thanks for your work! Wishing you and family all the joy and peace good vibes possible.
Learning how to have COMPASSION for yourself/ inner child and the experiences you had. How horrible they were and how could you not have issues processing now.
I hope you’re ok. This makes me sad. I presume you had trauma you are blocking out. Focus on you. What makes you happy. If nothing gives you joy speak to someone, open up. Take care ❤
I always learn so much from Dr. Nicole LePera @TheHolisticPsychologist. If you really enjoyed today’s guest too, give this video a like!
OMG!!!!! same here, unpredictable, rageful mom, i became avoidant, totally disconnected from my body, my emotions, have a lot of trouble to feel connected to people, honestly i feel like i just can not do it, there's this very deep feeling of loneliness... and i also think that there's something wrong with my brain because there's so much i cant remember, even now that im aware and i conciously try, like, names, faces, events....
Same ❤️
Yep. Me too.
Yup
Cptsd
Yep. Me too x
We didn't have counseling, open conversations, we kept everything inside. That was the 60's & 70's for me. Now, we can get help & it's everywhere, books, webinars, zoom, telehealth, in person counseling.
O 0❤
This is called Childhood emotional neglect!! I’m in counseling now for this very issue… thank you for this podcast!!
I have been shaming and blaming myself my whole life. I am 59 and have been recreating an awful life. My depression is starting to lift from finally learning why I am the way I am. Thank you for cleaning the path for us all.
So last night I’m on the couch crying, talking to my husband because I feel so empty and wondering why my purpose in this world is. Well, here comes the universe with a whole bunch of answers this morning for me to begin working on. Thank you for this podcast. Here I go to create change.
Me too! I’m 42 u got this!❤
That’s not the universe sending those answers. It’s soooo obviously the divine creator, God. The universe doesn’t give two shits about you or anyone else.
I myself didn't realize that I hadn't emotionally grown up yet till I was around 30 as well!!
I was also a single mother of five children at that time! Smh.
but I started digging into myself and began the journey of self-accountability and awareness. Where I was developmentally arrested, stunted and in denial of most of my feelings.
It took about 5 years to realize that I had never gotten over my abusive dad and his extreme lack of acknowledgment and display of affection to me.
my kids got to actually watch me grow up, albeit a little too late, they did see the changes. And they responded to the more peaceful homelife themselves.
unfortunately, I had made a major mistake in believing that my fourth daughter was extremely shy. She had a strong startle reflex even in playful situations, and would hide behind me often.
Needless to say, she grew up with me believing she needed more protection because she was so shy and sensitive to her surroundings.
She is an adult working through some of her own anxious attachments. And with her, I discovered that I had misunderstood her responses.
Having believed she was shy, I protected her and only addressed the issue of shyness with repeated encouragement. BUT....she was actually fearful, unsettled, anxious and untrusting of the mostly manic household!!
my other four children adapted well through our evolution, but she was the one I had obviously neglected most. Because of my inability to see her perspectives properly. Not to address them properly.
I was so wrong.
Yet now I see that she was the one who needed what I didn't get myself growing up!
Funny, yet not funny.
she's almost 40 and has done well learning to understand herself. She's a professional and a high achiever.
And like myself, she's running par to the same time frame of reevaluating her emotional evolution, praise the Lord!
She also forgot a lot of her childhood, unlike myself, but has a greater understanding of how she developed her on anxieties in the presence of her (unaware of what she needed), dysfunctional mother!
We both love your videos very much! Thank you, thank you, Dr Nicole...♥️🎉🙏💯
Yes, I feel that this was me
I am in awe and so grateful that I came across this conversation. Wow. Without exaggeration you may have just shifted and changed my life and my children’s lives in such a new positive healthy way. I’m not in a finically situation to be able to afford therapy or speaking events that I’d be able to afford this amount of powerful wisdom and transformational insights so I am so beyond grateful for both of you and the entire team for making this available for the world. For someone like me. Thank you.
🎉
I hope you've found the healing you needed. If not there are tons of community resources for a free space to talk, process and heal.
I totally agree!!! God bless them both for such awesome info!!! ❤
I am currently realizing that my poor memory, stomach issues and thyroid issues is my body still having trapped trauma that my brain suppresses. I may be mentally disconnecting but my body stores the layers (old and new) of trauma and grief. I feel flatlined with life, no sense of purpose. Gonna make some changes to stop this merry go round. Glad I listened to this..healing is a process and I have been in touch with my therapist again, will also request to do more EMDR sessions. There are so many of us humans that struggle with figuring out what the hell is going on with us internally. As I pray for my situation, will pray for all of you, too 🙏 ❤️🙏
This hit it in the nail for me. Same health issues and lack of memory. Feeling flatlined and no damn purpose. The struggle is unexplainable 😢
Hello: Feeling this too + developed hyperthyroidism after getting COVID in August 2023. I have so many memories from childhood I can't access or remember; while other siblings (real brother, two step brothers & a half brother remember). It's so strange to realize I have lots of gaps in my memory. It's January 6, 2024 and this conversation showed up for me; even tho I'm already subscribed to Mel's channel - need to listen & learn. Sending warm healing hugs to you both ~ ❤️🩹
Same health issues. Plus ibs.
I always wonder why so many people, that have experienced so much stress in childhood and as adults, have the need to make babies without thinking "would i really be a good parent?" "Can I truely give all my attention to that child for the next 18 years?". I think its because of several reasons: Subconsciously they want the baby to make them happy - what a burden to the child. Or they think its just the right thing because all humans make babies. There are other reasons too. But I have always had critical thoughts about bearing children and the work it involves. For a child to have a save childhood you have to be present on all levels - always.
When I read “How to Do the Work” and got to the part about dissociation, a lightbulb of stadium proportions went off in my head! OMFG, THAT’S WHY I DON’T REMEMBER!!!! My childhood was so chaotic, that I was never in my body 😢
I hear You!!
Omgosh! I'm 63 and many years ago I realized I don't remember alot from my childhood, teen years and I was thinking do I have a brain tumor, early dementia. However there are other things I remember vividly, amazing how our brain and body copes. Thank you, I'm not losing it.
No you are not loosing it! Try listening to childhood fairy podcasts or Complex PTSD.
I also thought I was having early onset Alzheimers or Dementia. Learning about the connection to trauma a few months ago made so much sense and was a massive relief. It's hard to consolidate memories when chronically disassociated from the body.
Me too. I have no memories of birthdays, Christmas, vacations or anything. I feel like I just have this huge part of my life that is blank & didn’t exist.
I just realized that many of the memories I do have are merely memories of the photographs I’ve seen in family albums. I always wondered why I have no memories at all from being 10 to 13 or 14. Oddly enough I have very few memories of the years when my children were young and I was in an abusive marriage either.
Me too.
I am 51 and sobbing listening to this. Feelings of overwhelm are flooding me; since my mom passed away in 2020, all of the things being discussed are bringing so much to light in my life right now and I've had to pause the video at 47:03. Feelings of anxiety, guilt, shame, hurt and...(I can't think of the word) but I feel like I'm dishonoring the death of my mom by thinking of our past and how I am just beginning to realize how it has shaped my life.
I hope you feel some peace now, and are able to heal. ❤
Yes, I’ve told myself for so long that my mom loved me, I feel bad saying, geez, my mom was NOT a good mom at all. I’m even worried someone will see this or worse, SHE will. But I can’t keep worrying about that. It is what it is and I don’t have to protect her. I’m not attacking her, I’m just saying what happened. It’s not an attack. The very best part of my mom would want me to heal and do whatever I have to do to feel better.
Everything you’ve said is me, I’m 66 and feel nothing. The childhood was awful to the point I was non functional in my early twenties.now I go constantly and try not to think. I don’t know any other way to do it
apathy for me it is like a deep sadness that you cant describe in words and have to get back to the day to day things like work/job to survive. so you can’t fully express your emotions because of other priorities or lack of someone else to understand
Amazing talk, you guys!! Mel- I'm your daughter right now. My parents have remained too immature to hear what I've discovered lately. It's been really hard to get beyond that. That my Gods are too weak to BEGIN to own ANY responsibility in the making of me. Thank you for validating my belief that my parents could choose to participate in healing themselves and our family. I WISH they would feel liberation in tolerating truth instead of drowning in fear and shame and denial. They took me down with them for awhile, till I almost died. The good news is I'm not going down with them anymore. That's their decision. Mine, in almost everything in life (LOL), is different. Thank God!
Thank you, Dr Nicole, for normalizing some really painful shit!. You are beautiful and so articulate. You've helped me alot!!
💜💜💜
Mel, I cried during this jaw dropping podcast. Thank you and Dr. Nicole for opening my eyes for what feels like the very first time. I’m 57 years old and this could answer my life’s question of WTF am I even here for. Yes, many years of therapy but this is some real truth! 🙏🏻
I was an hold soul in a child body , now I’m a child in a adult body , growing up is a full experience , confusing and at the same time full of learning process with emotions .
This explains my life perfectly! Like we "aged" backward!!
How brave are you Mel? To have suffered as you did after the birth of your daughter only to suffer all over again with guilt. How amazing that we can heal eh? You and her. Not many would admit to not being Miss Perfect Mother, society doesn’t allow it. If society were more supportive of women who struggle when they have babies the world would be a much less painful place. You are an amazing being. Much love 💕 I wish all the healing in the world for your daughter and you.
I did not have children. I know at one time I did want children however my inner wounds from Mother it was blocked in my wants. I am 60, I work with children a student coach/parent advocate/tutor/liason between teacher and parent. I know from therapist same one since I was in my 20s how important families need to recognize the generations of families and birthing of all their children. I hope to continue to implement all this in my work with families. I will be sharing you and your testimony in my business for a path for them to consider!
I am adopted and sure wish I knew something about my birth mom and family. Birth father as well, but not going to be able to find out at this point.
@@poppylove3673DNA might reveal your parents.
I cannot express just how many "aha" moments I had with this talk. I am RUNNING to a bookstore! I thought it was just me. This offered clues for me as to why I sucked my thumb for a long time, why I had nightmares and sleepwalking episodes. I need exploration and I his book is the start .
I have been trying to heal from my traumas for many years, and I am 34 years old. I want a different life, better life but my past is keeping my life experiences from getting any better. 💯
So, I'm 18, I've been going to therapy for two years, because I had panic attacks and I've definitely got better at being with myself and managing my anxiety, I have also created a great life for myself I've been dreaming about. And a couple of weeks ago I told my psychologist "I don't feel alive, I can't feel my emotions and I'm not able to enjoy my life". I was (and I am) very overwhelmed by it, I'm so freaking afraid of it... Thank you for doing a podcast about it, I feel seen.
My mom yelled at my dad and my dad would just sit and say nothing. I yelled at my husband but he yelled back. I stood by my son and listened when needed. My son now does not share a lot, especially his grief, since his Gramma, Opa and dad have both passed away.
Perception of a lack of safety. I resonate with this completely. I'd even contend that if you don't feel this way from these past 2 years, you haven't been paying attention. Living in an upside down world will bring out anyone's "inner child." I find that mine is just shouting at me, constantly.
What an insightful conversation!!! I am 40 now... and it is so sad that trauma happens but it is not seen for what it causes.
Trauma is how you experience an event... not how big or small the event may be.
But we were taught to 'get over it, like your brother does'...
Not to blame the parents, they were taught the same...
It's "self othering." I suffer from it severely. Something is wrong with ME in particular. I'm NOT fine... and "everyone else" IS fine, more or less. Good things are for "other people" ...and not for me.
Those are all lies that you tell yourself. Stop torturing yourself. I know. Easier said than done. But you have to try.
I used to do this too. I truly believed that everyone else had it together & I was broken. The good news is, you can change that narrative! 🙏🏻
@@meganscholeycoaching Yes, grew up in a very sick, unhealthy family full of traumatized people that made me believe that everybody was smarter and better than me. Until I figured out on my own that that just wasn’t the case.
I was the youngest and I’m pretty sure the oldest brother and older sister were threatened by little me. They were monsters. I’m filled with rage and anger. You just don’t know. Anyhow, too much information, sorry.
Best wishes!
These beliefs you hold are actually called self limiting beliefs. You thinking everything happens to you instead of for you is a victim mentality. Take your power back.
@@olgakim4848 sounds familiar!
Omy God ...I have been having goose bumps as I'm listening to this podcast. I feel like sobbing, however I can't. Thank you Dr. Nicole and of course Mel. I thank God for coming across you Mel. You are that one woman, every woman can relate to. Stay blessed.
Can I just say how grateful I am to hear the memory issue being discussed? I feel like I have early onset dementia and even talked to a doctor about it and they said it's not dementia it's from prolonged trauma aka my CPTSD. I get frustrated easily because of my memory issues and it's embarrassing having memory loss. Dr. Nicole for the win again. That woman is a true gift from The Universe.
Monday when you said you’d be having an Ivy League educated doctor on to talk about trauma I was hoping it would be her! Reading Dr. Nicole’s first book right now and it’s so helpful. Thank you to you both for all the work you do, it’s helped me so much. 🙏🏻
Thank you, I gained more awareness from listening to this incredible exchange of information. I am writing me a sticky note and taping it to my walls in every room. My intent, then my question (am I aware? am I conscious? am I present? Whatever question I write to bring me back to my physical body) then the hook, inhale or breath. I gift this to myself on Valentines day today 💕. Mel may your sky's always be blue and bright. Thank you for the ❤️ and the upgrading life training lessons. Thank you Dr. Nicole Lepera, high 5 👋🏼.
Mel you helped change my life and this wonderful brilliant doctor is now helping me too... I can't express in words what this means to me... changing the course of my life and my boys...
This is so empowering! I am a professional musician and have a photographic memory when it comes to memorizing music and have been freaking out for years because I can NEVER remember anything about my childhood or even young adulthood. Thank you for this!
This makes a lot of sense! I just bought your book how to do the work and the workbook. I also got the 5 habits from mel. I haven’t been able to establish healthy love relationships or strong relationships. I have opt out and almost promised myself not to let anyone close or in, but i am realizing I am hurting myself and ruining my own chances of creating the life and relationships I so much desire. I can relate about emotional immaturity. I do act like that scared child and shut down because I do not know how to channel mainly my anger. In the past I either the shut down version of me or the explosive me. I started my work a little while ago, but like Mel said is constant work and I am not where I am and I will not stop learning to be a better and a higher version of me.
OMG!!!! “Suppressed my version of reality.” This phrase hit me because I recently realized how neglectful and abusive my parents were. I am sooooo disassociated from my body and even life because I don’t understand the stimuli and don’t know what to do with the feelings that result from it. HELP!!!
Reading Dr. Pete Walkers cptsd site helped me in the beginning. Google it. Take care. It gets better.
I loved at the 1:20ish mark when you both shared your trauma responses before the podcast started, makes me feel so much more normal now ❤
This is wonderful! It's like I have, for 70+ years, glimpsing many of the "truths" in Dr LaPera's Workbook. She lays it out pretty well.
There is a learning curve - like plate juggling to usefully include & use all the ideas. I have been working with it for a week. It makes so much sense that our nervous systems store our experiences. I recall almost daily having whole body reactions to stimuli & situations that are stressful for me or others. I remember Mel saying, years ago now, that our brains have evolved to keep us safe & alive.
I was driving over a mountain pass from New Mexico to Colorado & a bear flitted across the road. In that case I did feel some visceral fear. The same reaction has happened as a leaf blew across the windshield & I could not immediately identify what it was. My brain somehow "told" me I was in danger.
Many of my "ahas!" from reading her book have been fleeting - in fits & starts. They explode in my brain & then fade into smoky wisps as I try to hold onto them. I still need to refer to the material again & again because I forget or misremember (a slippery term, that one) important points. Her method reminds me of Mr Miyagi in The Karate Kid. The only difference is that I will not receive Mr Miyagi's car along my journey.
Thank you for this podcast.
Mel...your the best❤
Thank you for all you
Do for others😊
You are So easy to listen too
Love your advice💛
Love ya❤
Wow! Thank you both for coming together to deliver this good news.
Healing my inner child wounds in my adulthood is challenging yet freeing at the same time. I grew up feeling disconnected from my body most of the time because I felt unsafe around me. 😢
Reparenting my inner child is totally worth doing the work inside out. There’s ups and downs yet I have more emotional maturity and tools in my toolbox to help me through whenever I have triggers & flashbacks.
Coming home to myself as I processed , released painful memories stuck in my mind and body.
I’m happy and grateful to be me now. Connected to my mind, body, and spirit. ❤
Blessings everyone. ❤❤❤
So many golden nuggets here!!
I just ordered 2 books! 1 for me and one to have in my office to show clients who are struggling with feeling stuck and reactive!
Thank you both!! ❤
1:26:48 I loved that question Mel and this was EXACTLY what I was feeling
“We feel worse, we feel everything and we feel life more ❤” that was a gem 💎 as was the whole podcast!
I am figuring this out at 50yrs old.
Thank you for this amazing interview! You all described such similar situations and feelings that I’ve had all my life. Thank you for explaining all of this with such compassion, empathy, and relatability! thank you both!! Here’s to healing…
Instead off exchan lucging sentences, there isso much expulsion of bracket upon bracket, I'm exhausted. Good luck to all
That was very enlightening as to why I have the programmed behaviours that can run automatically when I get triggered.
Realizing I’m an emotional 4 year old in a 53 year old body resulted in a small bucket of tears. 😢😭😭. Thank You!! 🙏💚
Oh my God, thank you so much. This is the podcast I have been looking for forever! You have just explained my childhood, which I don’t remember lol.
Thank you so much. Now I know I'm not alone and there is hope to heal and meet myself. I type as tears just stream down my face. I despise crying, however this time it feels cleansing. I'll get the book and get back into therapy.
I learn something new every single time I watch your videos. I love your channel. Today’s conversation with Dr. Nicole made realized that I was living a disconnected state most part of the time during my childhood for different traumas I went through. I always thought like your said something was wrong with me because I barely remember any event of my childhood.
How do we as parents recognize when we are behaving emotionally immature, how do we look for those signs in our children and differentiate between them being their age or that we're screwing them up!?
This is exactly what I'm going through right now . I'm 27 and completely out of touch with myself. Grew up in an abusive household full of alcoholics. I'm a child in a 27 year old body. I cried alot hearing that. I feel so lost and I've never bought a book so quickly. I'm ready to do the work and process these emotions. I just never knew how to start doing the intensive work.
Follow her on Instagram too! She posts really great stuff daily. The work that Dr Nicole is doing and the awareness Mel has brought are literal lifechangers. Best of luck to you!
@@loria2685 I will do that ! Thank you so much. 💓
YOU are young! You have the heart the tools to heal. I am 63 work in progress for sure. Knowing is helpful doing is a challenge but knowing is HUGE. I was told I was stuck at 63 I shared above in a comment. YOU are young! You are wise. MEl is here she is saving me. HUGS! HUGS and more HUGS keep moving forward. BE KIND to YOURSELF!
@@cindylubooks9723 I appreciate your kindness
To me her book was very basic and rudimentary covering very surface level knowledge, at least to me who had read some psychology previously. I highly recommend Pete Walker's book CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving, or even videos of him on youtube, he has been the most eye opening and helpful overall.
I really enjoyed your discussion on postpartum depression. It was very rough to watch someone go through it and not knowing how to help. I felt sympathy for both the mother and the child.
I have been captivated by this discussion and information. At 1:16:09 I started crying. Growing up in an extremely physically abusive household by my Mother, (with my Dad turning a blind eye to it) I remember identifying the dangers, the changes in my Mom, knowing when to stay out of her way, taking responsibility for my potential safety to avoid certain scenarios. Painful realization. I knew to keep my mouth shut, so I did. My mother today says “You seldom spoke as a child..” and would chuckle. I never spoke because I was terrified to rock that proverbial boat. I keep myself busy today, every day, or i feel anxious and angry. This is helping me understand the “why” behind my own emotions. Thank you
What a precious human! Thank you, Dr. Nicole! Mel, as always you are the best!
I completely relate to automatically shifting into panic stress mode in my nervous system when I’m around or talking to or thinking about interaction with certain people or events it rages throughout every single cell of my entire body and mind as I feel every single aspect of it.
This is so powerful I was listening to this while driving and at about 40:11 I had a physical reaction of putting my arm around myself because I felt so deeply what you were saying that my body language shifted and I felt the need to close myself off. Once I'm not driving, I will go back and listen to this portion and what was said so I can work through the thing that created the physical reaction in me. Ty for this episode!!!
Want to thank you two women for being authentic with your emotions and your healing path. You are both speaking out loud, my life. Going to get Dr. Nicole's book today. Thank you ~
Thank you both for your honesty. It is incredibly validating!!
My brain just 🤯 And I had an ah-hah moment. My mother could not self regulate. She would first explode and spew all of her thoughts and feelings over any mistake or perceived slight. She would then give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. I went into ‘chase’ and ‘win-back’ mode. I would apologize profusely, profess my love, do sweet gestures, even buying her gifts to win back her love and affection. This would be the only way to get her to forgive me and love me again. Now as an adult, I find myself doing this is my relationships. I find it hard not to be in chase mode. And guess what? It doesn’t work! I end up driving people away or attracting those who are emotionally immature. All because I am still living in survival mode from childhood…😮
This is me this whole episode "omg that's me!!, Yup that's me!!, Omg me too!!" The best episode ever, I related to everything ❤
Omg I always figured I was just "too stupid" to remember my childhood. Wow... this is fascinating stuff ... and freeing! Thank You both!
Fascinating! I am definitely the peacemaker, the one who holds the family together. I could never express my own feelings, their chaotic feelings were more important. So much was on my shoulders. My ‘problems’ had to be suppressed. Being traumatized by their sudden anger, yelling, unexpected eruptions, I kept soaking up their energy even when I wasn’t part of the problem. I feel maybe telling this to my family will be healing on its own.
Everything I’ve ever believed rolled into this video 😮! Mind blown 🤯 one of the most amazing talks!!!! Woooowhee ❤ Chapter 44 has been an expansive and wild ride!!
I love you Mel you’re a beautiful soul
I agree! Mel is helping so many of us! ❤
OMG I love you guys!
wow, this podcast is healing my own family issues just by showing me how it's done. Thank you.
Gen X, similar vintage to Mel here. I'm the 2nd oldest of 4.
My youngest brother asked me a couple of years ago why I don't like mum. Unfortunately he was asking the wrong question to the wrong person, but he didn't know the right question to ask. It's not so much that I don't like my mother, it's that we don't have any sort of bond. My mother was at the point of divorcing my father, having made plans with her older sister to leave, but then she found out she was pregnant with me, so didn't go through with the divorce.
There is so much research out there about in-utero bonding between parent and child. I strongly believe that because I was rejected before I was even born, it has shaped my relationships with my mother and siblings.
I find Dr LePera's short videos about different family relationships and behaviours fascinating.
I've had a lot of opportunity to reflect during therapy about the roles that my siblings have played over the years.
My older sister is definitely parentified - mum has treated her like the other adult in the relationship since she was a teenager. She has probably held the most "roles", as initially the Golden Child, then the Model/Family Mascot Child, but her most longstanding role is as mum's enabler/flying monkey. Unfortunately she is also my original bully. She set the tone for how our 2 brothers treated me, since her behaviour was never corrected by mum. Ironically she studied Psychology for a year at University as an extra credit, but doesn't have the insight to recognise any of this in herself.
The first of my 2 brothers is and always has been the Golden Child. He was born after my parents finally reconciled and were in a better place emotionally. Mum projects so much onto him - he always knows what she's feeling, he's so empathic to her needs, etc. None of these attributes are true, but the family maintains the illusion. My brother can do no wrong as far as mum is concerned.
My youngest brother is partly the Invisible Child, and occasionally a 2nd Golden Child. I can see how my sister aged 5 thought she might get back into mum's good books and be reinstated as Golden Child, by attaching herself to her new baby brother and being the best Big Sister possible. These 2 have the closest relationship, since my sister practically raised our baby brother. He's exceptionally intelligent, so when he did well academically, mum had reason to brag about him, but for the most part he was invisible.
I'm the scapegoat, in case you hadn't guessed. Nobody likes the scapegoat because we see the inconvenient truth of what's going on around us, which nobody wants to hear about as it will shatter the illusion.
Thanks. This conversation inspired me a lot. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. So powerful
I have felt this way for years. I have felt apathetic and it seems that I just don't care. Disconnection has been part of me..Thank you for putting into words what I have felt for years.
Recognizing so many things you both are talking about. Eye opening.
I always thought my lack of childhood memories was because I blocked out the shitty times.
It sounds like I had a similar childhood experience as Dr. Nicole. I apologize in advance if I share something triggering. A example of this is when I shared (it was advised by a therapist to tell my parents) that I was SA by a friend while under the influence. I was 19 at the time. My mother immediately said, "how could you do this to your dad?". Then berated me for drinking alcohol. Over the next several years they would casually bring him up in conversations, almost rented a house to him! They completely were unaware that I was traumatized and wouldnt want to know anything about this person. 20 years later I told her I dont feel comfortable that you are friends with this persons long time girlfriend on facebook, they now have 3 kids. She called me controlling. I had to go no contact with the entire family. My dad is a Vietnam Veteran with PTSD, he had trouble wanting to continue life during my childhood. He watched war movies constantly so those sounds have been in my head for over 40 years. He is also probably the most sweetest person otherwise. My mother (in my unprofessional opinion) has highly narcissistic traits if not full blown antisocial personality. Even after going no contact there are messages that come through and still the same "You" statements where I need to correct myself and think about other people. It was validating what I had learned where codependency comes from. I was diagnosed CPTSD and was in DBT. But I also think I was bordering on borderline personality disorder even though I went through all the testing. Some of the thought patterns and behaviors I still have but not as much are consistent with borderline. Good thing is, is if you know it, it is very treatable!
Thanks Mel! You and Dr. Nicole brought up so many common incidents for me. The newspaper dad used to hide behind, the silent treatment he gave me after reading my teenage diary, mom screaming after I went to bed, as if I wouldnt hear?! I can't list them all, and I am sure I dont remember them all. Do any of us even know the truth as family stories just seem to be accepted and then swept under the rug to show up in our unregulated adulthood. I have seen a therapist for 11 years, and got sober 11 in June. I am ordering her books to continue to "meet myself!"
Mel your daughter is so lucky to have a mom now who has the knowledge to help her.
I am resonating with this fully. Thank you both for your services. I am on a spiritual path and have been digging all this up too. I am greatful ❤
Oh wow! Does this resonate with me! Definitely going to listen to Dr. Nicole’s book!
I totally relate to this. I thought there was something wrong with me. So glad to know that others suffer from the same thing.😊
Thank you for this podcast! This is so helpful to me, I cannot express it here in a short comment, so I will just say thank you to both of you from the bottom of my heart
This was an amazing, life changing interview, Mel and Dr. Nicole. Thank you so much for being so open and raw with us. Love you both 😘😘😘 so so much.
Can’t thank you both enough for this episode 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙏🏻 I resonated with every single thing that you discussed! 💕💕💕
Its sooo hard for me to organize thoughts at times to explain things to my family. Another result of trauma. Thanks for this. It covers me perfectly. Ill send them this.
The part about the silent treatment really was mind blowing to me. It explains why I try so hard to get closer to romantic partners when they withdraw. Particularly right now as im really struggling with a new relationship, she was just diagnosed with bipolar 1 and has withdrawn from me and Ive been frantically trying to get closer to her because I think I've done something wrong to make her pull away from me. That is just insane to me to have that explained that it comes from my childhood 😮
I love this! It also feels so overwhelming and impossible to be a good parent. I try so damn hard and I think I'm doing better than my parents but this stuff makes me feel so overwhelmed!
Hearing your stories felt like a balm. It's so relatable for me. Thank you very much💖💖💖. AWESOME!🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Thank you !
I’ve always had a hard time remembering much of my childhood and even things from my adult life. I always assumed the adulthood memories I wasn’t remembering was due to my smoking weed and/or drinking and blaming myself. Now I really think it’s due to my childhood ‘stuff’
So happy to see her as a guest!!
Carol Tuttle’s book
‘The Child Whisperer’ book helped me amongst other life experiences, see the natural tendencies and natural abilities I was born with that were either shamed or not recognised and left me with limiting beliefs. My caregivers were unknowingly not attuned to me and my sensitivity or understood my needs. I too shut down my emotions and ended up with an auto immune disease. I do have clear memories/ flashbacks as far back as primary school but that’s one of my natural gifts. I’m now healing my body and mind. 💖
I was lifted up as a baby so I appreciate this conversation. Thank you ❤
You two are so empathic and loving and thank you for your sharing Mel 💕💥🙏 must get that book.
I keep discovering so much about myself from this channel!!!
Thank you both for this very candid and enlightening discourse
Thank you for being so transparent. I am so grateful for you being so authentic
This was spot on and fabulous!! Thank you, ladies - Bravo 👏🏽 🎉👏🏽🎉👏🏽
Much love 💕
This is so fascinating. This is my first time hearing about Dr Nicole and her work, but I have been reading Dr Gabor Mate’s book The ‘Myth of Normal: trauma, illness and healing in a toxic culture’ and it is alllll of this, but from the medics doctor/ family physician’s perspective of this.
Dr Mate’s early childhood is similar in impact as Mel’s daughter, where he was separated from his Mother when the Naz!s invaded Hungary (they were Hungarian Jews and he was quickly evacuated before his mother was caught up in a Budapest ghetto). For him, his trauma manifested in fear of abandonment (mother wound) and overwork and workaholism (driven to be accepted and needed).
Im looking forward to checking out Dr Nicole’s work and the rest of this series, and try ans get to the bottom of my issues too ❤️
WOW finally see you two are collaborating, both are my fav Instagrammers! Thank you to both! Mel your sharing's always helpful.
Mel, have you heard of the book The Emotion Code? This podcast episode connects so much with the concepts in that book. Thanks for your work! Wishing you and family all the joy and peace good vibes possible.
Learning how to have COMPASSION for yourself/ inner child and the experiences you had. How horrible they were and how could you not have issues processing now.
I have only 2 memories before my 8th birthday, I am in mid-40's now and feel numb, pain and loneliness daily.
I hope you’re ok. This makes me sad. I presume you had trauma you are blocking out. Focus on you. What makes you happy. If nothing gives you joy speak to someone, open up.
Take care ❤
@@darnitthelma4247 Thanks.
This is beautiful.
Game changing talk 2 witness here…
My all-time two favorite women right here.✨❤️🔥👑