Growing up invisible: the impact of being the invisible child
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Complete transcript: Growing up invisible: the impact of being the invisible child
Mom: You just take care of yourself honey.
Child: I sure do.
Mom: It's not like you're even there.
Child: You've noticed.
Mom: Such an easy child.
Child: I'm more quiet and the chaos in this home is way too much for me. I've learned to just not cause any issues. Most of the time I'm just in my room and daydreaming. I watch TV shows and pretend that I'm part of a completely different family.
Mom: Yeah, you're always in your room. You don't really talk to us or tell us what's going on in your life.
Child: Okay, here's what I'm learning: I'm expected to just be okay, which really means invisible. The more I keep to myself, the more I'm rewarded for being good. And you don't think it's necessary to check in on me or ask how I'm doing or see what I'm interested in. I seem like the stable one in the family, but as an adult I'll really struggle. I won't know how to express myself or ask for help. I'll completely deny any of my own needs in every kind of relationship. I'll be so afraid to rock the boat, that I'll just people please. And when things get stressful for me, I'll just withdraw and spend time alone. And feel completely misunderstood.
When you're almost 20 and you realise that dreaming up a life with the perfect boyfriend who will love you, marry you and make everything about you is escapism and indeed not a normal way to pass the time while you're going home on the bus every day or trying to fall asleep at 2AM...
I hope some positive change happens for you soon
@@KatieM786 Thank you, yes! It's been ten years and I've changed so many things about my life ( :
Lol yup! Still trying to stop daydreaming/ruminating!
Sweetie, I really hope u find or create a new direction for your life, one u aré happy with.
I'm sorry, wait, WHAT? THIS ISN'T NORMAL? this is literally my whole life. I spend more time daydreaming than I do anything else. It's literally most of where my time goes. As a kid and as an adult, I can just stare at the wall and be entertained for hours by my own imagination.
Never rewarded for being good, never thanked or complimented. The expectations just increased.
👏👏👏
Exactly. Just a “Well that’s what you _should_ be doing!” Well yes but I’d like some appreciation, I’m a human not a computer
oh i know abt this.. i was my 'single mom's'... child manhelper... but, never a thank you .. and if i asked for something.. it was like asking for the world on a platter... and then i did it as an adult....til she passed... to finally realize what i did...gave and gave.. and...shorted myself for her ... with no return of concern for me.
@@rosaliethon6285 what’s a child manhelper?
Sorry that happened to you ❤️
It was a sin to accept praise as it glorified me and not God, I am solely a vessel for his purpose...
Then there was, "You're always in your room. What are you doing in there? Probably something shameful. You think you're better than us. Oh look- she's gracing us with her presence today! Wonder what she wants."
NO WAY TO WIN. NO MERCY.
😢
Right! 😲🫤
Sounds like bullying. Why do people in families want to bully each other? I'm so sorry.
@@everlast6678 Because they enjoy the feeling of power, and can't exert it on friends or coworkers because that'd get them abandoned/fired. They see their children as extensions of themselves that are beneath them, rather than their own person who hurts and needs support. and this young extension can't just leave when they're mistreated, because they're a child, and why would they leave anyway if they can't think for themselves?
But children are people, so of course they think for themselves. but they're usually stuck in that environment until adulthood. By then, they might become accustomed and just assume they deserved such treatment. Or maybe they never introspect about it at all, because it hurts too much. Maybe they take their hurt and anger and use their own future children as the outlet, continuing the cycle.
But some folks do introspect, do recognize the failings in their childhood, and then actively work to not reproduce those cruelties unto their children
I'm so sorry that could have happened. Truly.
Damn... I thought this was a normal childhood experience.
Yeah, in some families, you're happy if you're not asked how you're doing because everything you say about how you're feeling can and will be turned against you.
I find this relatable too. I think it’s because some people never learn how to regulate their own emotions so when they see emotions in their kid it overwhelms them, and their reaction is to shut it down.
Yup.
True. So, so true.
@@MissJJoan oh wow, it's like you know my family. My sister and my mum's nephew both fit the invisible child description in this vid
@@MissJJoan Yup. They shut it down and then accuse you of shutting down mentally. Like what else am I suppose to do? If I show certain emotions, you guys freak out. If I don’t, you still freak out. It’s a never ending cycle.
I called this my superpower: the ability to fit into as little physical space as possible, and to vanish from attention. My childhood conditioned me forcefully to never, ever, call attention to myself.
And how disturbing to see your personality so easily described, especially at 54! Understand now why I'm willing to work kt out with my avoidant gaslighting boyfriend of 22 years who never helps but expects me to do everything for him, has an affair for 3 months when I started standing up for myself and said I was a mean jerk. All I did was stand up for myself and respond to his b.a.
@@kristireynolds5234you need to throw that dusty to the streets girl. life is too short!
I used to feel the exact same way. I remember trying to project invisibility and believing that it worked sometimes. I couldn't be seen.
Same. Wow. I even had a motto? Mantra? Idk…to not ask questions, if I just wait long enough I’ll get the answer eventually.
@@Buffylee23 oh wow I did the same! But it was so isolating. The only good thing about being (almost really) invisible was some ball games in p.e. where I would last longer than most of my team mates because I was so unnoticeable. That was the only times it felt like a superpower. Oh yeah and when you were not being called up by the teacher much.
To every invisible child: I see you. You deserve love. Take care ❤
I made myself invisible because my mother had too many personal issues and was more focused on the "problem child". I didn't want to feel like a burden. I was always the mature, strong and responsible child. I'd spend LOADS of time alone in my room and my mother didn't understand why I always wanted to be alone...
Sounds like my childhood growing up. I learned to stay quiet and out of the way. My room was my refuge.
same. Exact same
This hits too close to home
Wow. That was relatable.
Story of my childhood
This is so me. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so used to being by myself and not have anybody pay any kind of attention to me so when they do it feels so awkward. I find it hard to relate to others or keep conversations going. Only in recent years have I realised how aloof and cold I appear to be to other people. It didn’t occur to me that other people might want to talk to me at all. I want to have meaningful relationships but at the same time, I crave peace and silence and get easily tired by small talks.
Same here! I couldn t have described me more accurately!
You're not the only one Mon ami (my friend). I'm so used to being by myself that small talk between others bores me and it feels weird talking to my mom about how I feel.
Also, having some time alone is a good thing. You get to have your own space and you don't have to deal with people's bullshit. I also get that it can be lonely and we crave a good conversation that makes us feel satisfied and understood by others. Just know that you're loved and you always will be. Not just by me, but by God as well. God bless you
I relate to literally every word you said
Me also, it's exactly like this, I feel the same and I struggle so much
I completely understand where you’re coming from, too. I think I am only starting to move towards trying to form new relationships because I spend too much time alone. I feel so clueless trying to learn how to navigate them.
I still close doors silently and walk without making a sound. Being invisible was a skill i perfected...
🤗🤗🤗🤗 totally feel you
YES! 😅 I was aware how my shadow would show that I am standing around the corner!
We would do perfect ninjas! 🥷
I made myself invisible to avoid the anger, rage and drama. I learned to depend on me which as an adult has created issues with intimacy, trust and boundaries. My saviors have been with my horses. As with them I can just be and not be afraid of being seen.
I'm that way with my Border Collie. At least with her I feel loved, understood and appreciated.
I relate heavily. Animals are so much easier, more predictable and less complicated
Yup, riding was my sanity keeper - dreaded going home to get beaten and ridiculed -all behind closed doors, with few witnesses.....😢
Ohhh....la-dee-da...I have horses, I'm special!!...*ok, just kidding*
I'm 43...I stopped riding at 15 and restarted recently.
I realised that the story I told myself (that being around horses was a frivolous luxury) was not my story.
I have always had and worked with animals, but horses are something else.
I ended up doing some volunteer work with the kid of the people I was having riding lessons with, because they had been unable t o find a support worker. So I did the training modules to be a support worker.
I hadn't realised that to express their thanks his parents had been on the lookout for a horse for me. One day I was asked if I was okay with having a different horse for my lesson. When I was told "palomino mostly arabian mare" i laughed and said "three red flags, why not"
She was intense, and sensitive and spicy, and anxious. But she was so willing. She was anticipating everything, and had the softest mouth I've encouraged.
We had a fairly difficult first ride compared to other horses I've ridden, but there was nothing nasty about her.
I realised how exhausting anticipating needs can be, that instead of being comforting it can be stressful. It's impossible to relax.
The next week I asked for her, because I wanted to figure her out, and show her that even though she was intense, it didn't mean I'd reject her.
For week 3 I asked if could come out and spend time with her another day, lunging/grooming etc. The property owners offered to pick me up.
By the end of that day they said you're her human, she's your horse if you want her. You can come out and see her or ride her whenever, and ask us to pick you up any time you need help getting out here. Her agistment and feed and vet bills are covered by us but she needs just one human. That's you"
I cried. A lot. I thought I had given up the idea of ever having my own horse by the time I was 13. Inever realised that was something I wanted.
But I said yes. I feel alive now
I had to have a conversation with my middle child.
I started the conversation with "I see you".
That broke him open and allowed him to share what he was keeping inside.
Every once in awhile, I will still have to shoehorn him out of his room but it is getting easier each time.
This actually made me cry. I'm glad you told them this. They definitely needed to hear it.
"Just do good in school". Yea like that will even be possible in this kind of environment.
Parents often don't realize that it takes a TEAM to turn a good child student into a financially successful adult.
oh you'd be surprised how many dole it all out for their boy/s but invisibilize the girl/s in their family
Yeah as someone who peaked in high school and struggles financially as an adult
it has nothing to do with financial success
Yes! People/society underestimates how big of an impact family life can have on a child’s academic, interpersonal, and financial future
My parents had a variation of this: „you don‘t need friends. You just need to ne good in school.“ And send me to s school where I didn’t know anyone and was bullied.
I didn't exactly grow up in a chaotic family, but I was in a divorced one. I became intensely involved in a fantasy world at the age of 7. I'm 32 and my entire life still revolves around fantasy. My ability to connect or express myself stands at a solid zero. I have no friends or close loved ones, have no desire to seek them out, nor am I able to keep a job. It's humiliating, but fantasy was the only way I could ever feel as if I belonged, wanted, or had a sense of value. I don't ever want to let it go, even if it costs me a real, meaningful life.
Parents, check in on your quiet, seemingly easy kids.
I hope you are OK babe. Sorry you had to go through this.
I hope you are OK babe. Sorry you had to go through this.
Have you ever heard of the term "maladaptive daydreaming"? I can relate very much to your experience .
Man I do the same thing. Almost 30 myself. I always blamed my job problems on adhd but a large element is due to escapism as well. And I was afraid of that truth.
You just described me to a T.
I don't bond with people or connect or care about "family" the way most people do.
But I am learning to accept myself for what I am. I stand my ground more now and learned to quit people pleasing and being a perfectionist through acceptance.
I hope you go to therapy. You can find balance
OUCH!
This was my life 100%. I stayed in my bedroom from my teen years on, writing and listening to music really loud to drown out the screams from the rest of the house. I didn't watch tv and imagine myself in loving families, but I wrote a self insert character who was rescued by people who loved her and wanted her to be all right.
Not that long ago my old man told me I was "easy." Nobody checked on me. "I thought you wanted to be in your room." "No! I was in my room to avoid all the screaming and the fights!"
I was supposed to be a-okay with everything. I'm not. Clearly I am not. I recently checked myself into a psych ward because I snapped. I'd had ENOUGH of the abuse and belittling and constant nastiness. Nobody asked me how I was doing or why I decided to go. Just like growing up.
Thank you so much for this, Nicole. I feel so seen and validated.
I'm so sorry that happened for you. 😢 ...Oof, I feel this and had some similar experiences, even with the not checking in on me when I was in a psych emergency. At the same time realized my boyfriend was basically the same, emotionally immature and unavailable, as my parents...somehow I believed these people it was me and my "inability to handle myself" (their words) being "too needy and sensitive" that was the core issue. Being told over and over I had issues, and leaving me. I had wondered what was wrong with me trying to work and work on myself to be accepted, but that psych emergency really set me onto, WOW, how possible is it they are lying for their own benefit? Not that I thought they were perfect, but I put my trust, identity in the hands of people who proved they don't care about improving their own behaviors or treasure me. So I'm grateful now that happened for me. Angry about it, super super angry, but I'm grateful for the revelations.
@@julianneh.1768 This this this. "Not that I thought they were perfect, but I put my trust, identity in the hands of people who proved they don't care about improving their own behaviors or treasure me." Hey, you know when your parents are completely perfect, there are no behaviors to remedy! I don't think that my parents (our parents) are liars per se, but I do believe they are so completely deluded into believing their fantasy world that they can't see themselves being in the wrong. So they aren't lying according to themselves, but as someone on the end of the abuse and neglect, it's hard to stomach what their reality truly is and not blame them for all the bad stuff -- even though it WAS their doing. We're certainly not treasured by people who can scream at you for giving a tiny criticism or berate you in a long text message for asking someone else a question.
The anger part I totally feel and validate. My anger has been my constant companion for the last three years since my divorce and having to return to my toxic, dysfunctional family after hitting rock bottom. I'd been going to counseling for two and a half years, so I was trying and attempting to get healthy. But being stuck with the family and unable to go no contact, that became my roadblock. At least now after the crisis intervention, I'm finally, hopefully, going to get the heavy duty help I need and some resources to get away from them. At least people at the hospital saw me and were empathetic. But it saddens me that anyone needs to go to a hospital to get that validation and care in the first place.
I hope you are doing well on your healing journey. We never deserved any of this maltreatment, and remember that none of this is your fault -- you just happened to be in the path of someone else's tornado. Thank you for your kind message. Take care.
I can't believe social withdrawal gets confused with being an easy child.
My daughter is 11 years old, so I know it's normal to withdraw a bit, but even that stresses me. 😢
Healthy kids want to be around their parents.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sadly I know exactly what it's like. Especially the imagining myself as a character that gets rescued by other loving people. I know I can't afford to move out for a few years, but I really hope that you have/will have a stable and safe place to call home. I'm hoping you will find the peace and kindness that you deserve ❤
@@labrigful "Healthy kids want to be around their parents"
That line broke my heart in so many ways. Like, yeah, a kid is ofc gonna withdraw or pull away from parents as they grow into teenhood but complete withdrawal isn't normal and it's a tragedy that so many of us think it is.
I was a lonely child. My mom had me too young and resented me for it, so I grew up by myself. Far, far away in my head. I’m 25 now, my life is perfect on the outside, but I can’t honestly tell if I love my partner, friends, apartment or job. I know with certainty that I will never have kids or marry anyone.
Something in me is fundamentally wrong. I feel like a shadow of a real thing. Like l never truly was a part of this world, a real, breathing human. Sometimes I feel so distant that it surprises me when I’m still able to experience pain.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I feel the same. I think the key is focusing on loving ourselves and the rest will work itself out.
I think you need to develop a strong sense of self and self-worth. Identify your likes and dislikes. Do things that give you energy.I tend to live in my head too. Struggled with depression on and off. Remained single until 36, because I didn't know how to take care of my emotional needs. Had I loved myself, I'd have allowed myself a relationship, since I needed emotional support desperately. Even wasted time in limerence. You need to be aware of 'functional freeze' too.
Had been going through a similar experience in life, very similar. A child out of the wedlock, not properly cared for as an infant and struggling my whole life, daydreaming, escaping tough emotions throughout my life. What helped was becoming a manual therapist and educating myself about trauma, doing somatic and breathing exercises and above all, finding my spiritual path. I still have my struggles but now have many tools I can use. Also walks in Nature, seeing the beauty of it is immensely helpful.
Please, start with somatic exercises, feeling your body, body parts. Focus on your lips, fingertips, feet, whatever feels easiest at first and try to focus your attention there, feeling the sensations in that body part, breathing to it and from it. See how that feels; if you feel nothing/ that is OK too. But any sensations:cold, heat, tingling- anything would give you a respite from the thoughts and negative emotions. Next you can start to meditate, visualize and have a dialogue with your emotions.
And for the next level of inner work, read Rumi’s poem: The Guesthouse.
I was the "easy" child and that role I had in my family - among other experiences in these relationships - fucked up my ability to express my needs and emotions. It led to me just living in my head, daydreaming about breaking free from my chaotic family and finally being able to be who I really am.
I've spent my whole life pretending to be okay until I was burned out badly.
I've almost spent 4 years now unlearning these patterns, getting to know myself, fixing my issues with expressing myself, battling my anxiety.
It's my life's work - it's the most exhausting and painful thing I've ever attempted to do but it is so worth it.
Thank you for your videos! They're always eye-opening.
🐚🌊🫂 "My life's work" 💜🎊🎉
@@V000idddddddd This was beautifully written. You are also on a beautiful journey ❤️
@Bear-y4x1e Thank you! 💜 I really am on a beautiful journey even though sometimes I can't see that clearly.
Lots of love to you 💜
Yep. This is me. Everyone thinks I’m the strong one without any problems because nobody ever checks in on me to see how I’m actually doing. And even if they do, I don’t know how to feel safe to tell them the truth because I know they can’t maturely handle how I’m actually feeling. So it’s just better to self isolate than have to deal with people’s violent and aggressive reactions to my feelings. 💔
Superb comment! Exactly! 👌
Yup. Any time I tried to interact I was shamed. I was constantly told to "go away", "find something to do", or "I can't wait until you're out of here". Then when I did go do things in my room, she would burst in, expecting me to be doing something "wrong". If I was reading, she'd tell me to go outside. I couldn't win no matter what.
That's awful😢
That was the point. You needed to be at arm's length to be used as a pacifier or emotional dumpster, but out of the way so you wouldn't disturb them. Like toilet paper in the WC. ... My condolences for your family of origin - I had a similar one, my comment isn't meant to kick you while you're down, but as a "there were no right answers, just trick questions".
Reminds me of my own childhood. I read a lot as my form of escapism, and when told to go outside, I'd take a book with me to the park and sit on a bench and read. 😅 I used to get really weird looks, but I was doing what she SAID and what I WANTED at the same time.
@@anne-vc7bg. Thank you for your comment. You put words to a dynamic of my childhood I’ve been deconstructing and trying to understand and heal from for years!!
I'm sorry that happened to you. Reading can be an enjoyable escape and to not even be allowed that must have been nerve wracking.
I spend so much of my time daydreaming about the characters in my mind that they’ve slowly started to represent some of the feelings I’ve never spoken about. I’ve started writing, hoping that someone will be able to relate to my characters, because there is at least one person that will be able to relate to them as much as I do.
This is me, I have no sense of self now and I'm trying to heal and acknowledge my own needs, not just others'
After a lifetime of people pleasing, I had no idea what pleases me! I’m trying lots of things trying to find out and it’s fun but sad
I can relate so much.
In my teens I started having a crisis feeling as if I wasn't even a person anymore with any sort of drive within me, just always trying to not rock any boat and do what keeps the others happy...
shortly befor graduating my then closest friend and I somehow got into a fight and went separate ways, that was when I started to finally explore what I actually like to do and trying a bunch of stuff
I am still finding myself and find myself people pleasing and not talking but I feel that I am slowly getting better. I now have a couple of new hobbys and have found friends I hold dear
Sorry for the rant I just felt like this fits here
Me too- no sense of self
This is very relatable. My parents never or very rarely checked in on my feelings and personal thoughts. They seem to have accepted me being more reserved and quiet. Being the middle child as a son with 2 sisters who have always been more successful in life, I seem to have become invisible. This year I definitely noticed how nobody in my family ever initiates contact to check in on me and my personal life which has turned me invisible for real especially as I don't have any social media.
This is literally my life up until like, 25. Childhood was cold and quiet, and the only thing stopping the silence was judgement and screaming. I was shamed every time I was vulnerable. I was not once told I made them proud. So I hid my entire being in my imaginary world and online.
Around 20 the psychological issues caused by the neglect became extreme.
They wouldn't even attempt to help or recognise a problem, when they saw me spending 16-20 hours a day in front of my computer for basically 4 years, sometimes not bathing for a week, sometimes not leaving my room (even to the bathroom or to eat) for an entire day, sometimes going weeks without uttering a word.
If you acknowledge the problem, you have to deal with it. And they didn't want to. Too much work to reach out to your child, who is drowning.
Went no contact in 2018. The only chance for me to find my own value was and will always be elsewhere.
Yes it’s true. You came here for your own reasons as a soul. They simply do not matter. You don’t “need” them. Stop wanting them as well. Build your own family.
Holy shit this was me in my late teens/early adulthood so bad 😢it was HARD to break this shit it causes endless issues everywhere I looked I had a problem and relationships with others was horrendous😢. Y ou will get better though if you're determined to improve ❤❤❤❤❤
This makes me really sad, may you find peace. Keep on finding your healing path
That sounds like me right now. I hope I can be where you are one day soon ❤
I admire your strength and determination, breaking away could not have been easy.
Woof, I feel called out. I used call myself my mom’s rock because she was always having breakdowns and relied on me to be stable with no problems or bad days of my own.
Not knowing how and when to ask for help has been such a devastating problem, my boss kept repeating to me “ask for help, ask questions, you’re not expected to know everything” and it just never occurs to me as an option 😢
One day there's gonna be a sunny place safe and kind enough for all the hurt people, oh yes! And guess what! There's gonna be horses and dogs and birds there, cats too..all the dearest souls that have loved us in our most painful moments just as we were right then. Nothing is lost and you matter! ✨💖🐴🐦
To all im the comments, please love yourself and be compassionate. Treat yourself like you wanted to be treated. Forgive yourself, forgive others whom hurt you, and forgive the universe. Healing takes time.
How do I do that
Forgiveness is not nessesary. Compassion and kindness towards yourself is. Positive actionable solutions. And put your physical and mental well-being first.
my mom used to tell me that i'm "out of sight, out of mind" with a huge smile on her face like it was a good thing and now that i'm almost 30 she asks me why i never call her or tell her whats going on in my life 🙃
Ouch, I’m so sorry.
Well... you can tell her! "Out of sight, out of mind mom :D!"
Thats me. It almost broke me. I started drinking as a teen to cope. Glad i met my husband, he taught me that my feelings matter and rocked the boat for me. Im better now and he is my hero since 15 years.
It doesn't have to be at home. My home life was pretty good, (though I still didn't open up much), but this exemplifies my school life 100%. My report cards always said I was "a joy to have in class" but I "needed to learn how to apply myself to live up to my potential." It took my almost 30 years to be diagnosed with ADHD because no one bothered to look at me.
i feel this so hard. i was "well-behaved but quiet" all throughout school. i was struggling so much as i got older, i was in special education classes my whole life and only NOW, at eighteen, am i getting an autism evaluation. all because nobody stopped to think "hey, maybe theres something wrong" or actually fucking listen to me when i straight up TOLD them something was wrong. so long as i was "easy" no one cared. only kids with behavioral issues got help. im still angry.
Ouch! It took me eight years, I’m sorry that you suffered for 30 years without a diagnosis.
OH MY GOSH....this WAS my childhood....holy crap. a perfect explanation. wow. I had sooo many journals growing up, where I would write down my feelings, and write to God. I still write today. love these shorts.
I often feel seen by this channel, but this one hit hard.
Add to this having neglectful and emotionally abusive parents (and one physically abusive one) was it any wonder that i withdrew from a very young age? That i spent all of my time alone (reading instead of watching tv) and being so quiet that people literally forgot i was home sometimes (and the opposite, didn't realize when i wasn't home) I was constantly told i was a good kid, but i was so lonely and depressed...
Right? When I was young like 6/7
It was a relief when my father left the home and went on benders. Leaving me completely alone for weeks. I was RELIEVED. And I still feel relieved when people leave the home. Because I can't breathe when they're near.
@@ninarodriguez6158 wait you were abandoned for weeks??? That's horrible! But I agree. I love my fiance, but it's HARD to be completely myself with another person there. I hate being "seen" by others...
Fr, I once remember quietly sitting in the back of the truck, lost in my destructive thoughts, and my aunt turns around to look at me, then looks at my mom saying "Wow, your daughter is so polite and she doesn't say anything, so well behaved!"
Then years later, everyone's wondering why I'm locked inside myself. 🤷♀️
Have you tried EMDR therapy? This has really helped me. 🙏🏻❤️
@@Vicky-hk3on it would really depend on if I can find one near me, that my disability will cover
This was me ... I got by with music, and cats, walking, reading. It was hard.
I'm rarely able to cry but this made me burst into tears
The urge to send this to family to explain exactly what I feel like and what I’m dealing with but the invisible kid conditioning telling me not to cause a scene or rock the boat-
Yeah, this one hit home. Always being praised for being quiet and easy, while I was silently drowning.
I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic home. Being invisible kept me -mostly-safe. When all my older siblings left, there was no where to hide. I ran away at 16 and never looked back.
This is exactly how it was, and exactly how it is now for me. I’m trying so hard to be self aware and improve myself but it feels like nothing is working. I have no friends to talk to it about. And it feels like I am burdening everyone if I tell them how I really feel. And like nobody wants to listen or cares anyways. So I just have been quietly suffering for a really long time atp. I don’t know what to do anymore tbh. I just am floating thru my life.
As you can see from the hundreds of comments on these videos, you are definitely not alone! So many of us are struggling with similar issues. It's ok to not be ok, in fact sometimes there's relief in saying out loud to yourself, "I'm so unhappy!!" There's something oddly liberating about owning it; it shifts the focus away from other people, and alleviates the pressure and shame that comes with comparing ourselves to how we feel we "should" be. Who are you, and what do you want out of life? You might already know deep down, otherwise this could be the start of a fun journey. Waiting for others to step in just keeps us dependent, stuck in a holding pattern, further diminishing our sense of agency and self-confidence.
@@MsRedjay I didn’t respond right away although I thought about it. But either way thank you so much for not attacking me loll. And thank you for what you said overall! I’m still on my journey of getting better mentally but I have been doing a lot better lately, surprisingly. Idk if it’s just a trick of the light and I’m gonna be down again but I’m just overriding my negative thoughts w positive ones and it’s helped me personally. I never tried it really before (I was a huge pessimist and ik its killed the vibe of many around me not on purpose by me) but I’m trying to fill my life and thoughts w positivity and I’ve been journaling. While things aren’t always perfect, I’m wishing for a better tmrw always and I like to believe it will be. I hope you’re doing well!!! 😭😭😭😩🫶🏽 (I started school also so I’m focused on that plus being a good person and being somewhat healthy lmao)
@@vzxlid It breaks my heart that you even thought someone would 'attack' you! Nooooo 😭Yep, journaling is a very effective way of getting your thoughts out there, rather than going round and round in our heads. I have to say: most 'deep' people I know tend to be a little on the darker side, lol, so don't be too harsh on yourself. Although of course it's about finding balance. That's so exciting about starting school! I hope you make a bunch of new friends, I think that's the best part about college life. You sound like a very intelligent, sensitive person, anyone would be lucky to get to know you and your perspective on life. Wishing you lots of joy and love as you start this new chapter! ❤
I made myself invisible suffering from trauma and now realize my daughter did the same because I had nothing left emotionally for her.
I'm sorry for your daughter.
I wonder if now by realizing it that you have tried to do something about it?
@@Aeronaut.18Same! 😭😭😭
And that's what they call generational trauma
Please seek therapy either individual or family therapy for you and your daughter if she still lives with you
I'm crying rn. The amount of times I was told that I was 'so easy' and daydreamed of a nice future with people that cared about me and good friends that stuck by me. This hits me where it hurts
Holy shit, I wasn't expecting this. Made me cry, how dare you. I've been struggling to identify why I have such a hard time asking for help and this comes out of nowhere. Thank you, you just released some emotional load.
Yep, that's me. I was the seen and not heard child. I preferred to be invisible as to rock the boat and have attention drawn to me. Normally, that attention was in the form of physical or mental abuse. As an adult, I refuse to ask for help, even if it kills me!
My partner has to constantly remind me that my emotions are valid. I don't talk much, but I get overwhelmed at times and I explode from all of the stress. My partner even told me early this morning that it was okay to tell him these things
And if I *actually* tell you what's going on with me, it's either a problem or immediately dismissed / ignored
Ooooohhh yessssss...
Withdrawing, daydreaming, losing myself in films, TV, procrastinating, not really caring, as nobody is interested in me, unless I do badly in school (often).
And spot on re situation as an adult.
57 now, and only just connecting the dots properly now.
Crazy how I come across this video when it’s exactly what’s happening and how I’m feeling right now. The timing is impeccable.
My parents realized about a year ago (I am 14 rn) that, hey, they actually have no clue what their daughter likes or who she is! They should probably go talk to her! But by then, it was too late. I am trying, really trying to reconnect with them, but after 10 years of being left to take care of myself for the most part, I am perfectly fine on my own.
I'm not sure your parents understand or ever will understand how you feel. If you're lucky, then maybe a simple comment about, "I understand that you have a lot on your plate and always have had, so I tried to not be a burden to you, I felt I had to be a grown up, I hope we can eventually learn to get to know one another better." could maybe turn the situation for the better. Because clearly a big hint is required to patch up any bridge, or ya will likely have a hard time to feel emotionally attached to them or anyone in the future.
@MrHuntingClaw The issue is that the only burden they would have had was my then 2 year old sister. I have nothing against her. When she was a baby, I get it. Babies are a lot! But if she can't do anything by herself by the time she is 10 because they'd been doing it for her forever, then I've got a problem. That added to pretty much only feeding their oldest child and only really paying attention to her on her birthday? Not cool.
Everyone else already had their own problems to deal with, or were already dealing with someone else's. I always felt like I'd be a burden bringing up mine so i just never did. I was never good at pretending to be okay when I'm not, so i just kept to myself. Music was my therapy.
I have always been called "the good one", getting my things done, staying quiet, im the tame one compared to my messy older sister, my bratty younger sister, my older brother moved out, and younger brother who often acts rude, i am the good one compared to the others. This is very true
Yup. In my room reading books or magazines and listening to music to escape the chaos.
I've never felt so seen by a short before. It's like you reached into my brain, gathered every aspect of my upbringing, and used to perfectly contextualise who I am today, at 32 years old. Damn, I should go to therapy.
i felt this in my soul lol. my family was never interested in any of my hobbies or special interests as a child, so i learned to just stop trying to introduce them to things and keep to myself. now i tend to overshare in friendships and relationships because i’m making up for lost time with someone who actually listens
Shit I feel called out. I am very fortunate that I ended up having a stand in parental figure in my teens that was stable and reliable. It helped so much. Thought it made my real parent angry. I often here, "I didn't raise you like that" or "You're not like us" because of this much more positive influence.
This is my brother 😢 always described by my mom as the most “low maintenance” and he struggled massively as an adult.
I hate when parents do that with their kids. Comparing them to the other.
I spent most of my home life in my room, avoiding the yelling and screaming and fighting
Wow, As an only child raised by a mother who worked and was exhausted when she came home. I entertained myself to try and not bother her. I was the social butterfly around others which masked the loneliness.
Thank you for addressing this topic 🙏🏽
I’m 21 now and this just hit real hard how true this is. 😢
I FEEL CALLED OUT IN SO MANY LANGUAGES!!!
Im 23 an still struggling to this day!!! ✋️😭
My mother was a working-from-home Mom and did not have much time for me bc she was constantly on the phone with business partners and I remember actually waiting for something about an hour for her to have time, I barely started my sentence and she was immediately back on the phone. My dad worked full-time. The irony is, my mom insisted on working home bc she wanted to be there for me, but often times parents forget that just being there physically isn’t what children need. It also means being there mentally and emotionally.
Both my parents are also not good with emotions. My mother exploded when she was criticized and my father just shut down. They also did not often keep their promises when they promised to go somewhere on the weekend with me.
Even though I know my parents love me deeply, all I learned was being abandoned, neglected and betrayed. This had a profound impact on my later relationships where people pleasing was so hard. I am just learning that things can be different and I know where that behavior came from my parents… but the part of wishing to be a part of another family… and to completely disappear into fantasy worlds hits so hard…
Oh my. It's heartbreaking looking back
I so relate to this 100%. Never seen someone lay it out so clearly. My heart 😢 It's hard not to feel resentful at how hard it is still to relate and advocate for my needs in my 40s. I'm just so glad I have a therapist who's trauma-informed. That's helped a lot, but the work never ends.
For the first time in my life someone has perfectly described who i am and why im like this
My older siblings were really difficult. I wasn't. But boy was I happy when I had to spend three months in a clinic. Suddenly my parents focused on me and my needs. It was amazing. 😅
As an adult I still "live in my head" most of the time. My life isn't great. And I dread the times I realise it. Back to my head I go.
The way this is relatable to me made me almost cry
"I just feel invisible."
"Who said that?"
Omg you always put out content that perfectly describes me. My mother literally always says I was the easiest child ever because I was. I tried to be good in every which way possible to get my neglectful fathers approval but it was never enough. I never told my mom about hard things I was going through ever into adulthood when I really needed support. Ive people pleased to my own death so many times. Youre an amazing psychologist
If this is YOU, don't
wait decades to get help! You deserve your voice! 🙏🕊️
Totally me. Worked my whole life to speak up, hold people accountable, and overcome feeling guilty for taking care of myself & having needs.
It's not even about being rewarded for being good; it's more about how keeping to myself is safer.
We weren't allowed to take up space growing up because other family members were acting out, or having bigger more dramatic issues, so our struggles were put on the back burner.
Keeping ourselves isolated became easier, more secure, and more reliable than asking for help from people who showed us multiple times that they couldn't be bothered. We often couldn't ask for help without being ridiculed, and we were treated like a burden for having basic needs.
Wow. You just described my childhood. And my adulthood. Fun.
I spent a lot of my childhood vaguely physically and mentally unwell and was jealous of my "effortlessly" stable younger sister most of this time. I didn't resent her really, but was pretty dismissive of her problems as we grew up, which isn't actually like me for anyone else.
Yeah, when she basically told me what this video said as an adult I realized how much bonding and problem-solving chances we missed by misunderstanding eachother so deeply.
If theres a teen like me out there with a quiet sibling who seems to just always be "ok" when you rarely are, talk to them before you miss so much bonding time. I regret not knowing, we might be closer now if I had
I related 100%, except my parents never would have admitted I was easy, or acted like it was abnormal to be in my room all the time. Being invisible was the expectation.
When we were taught to be seen and not heard ....
Let's break the generational chaos so our children's generations can live, breathe, feel and be understood ❤❤❤
Nailed it. This shows me to myself. Growing out of these behaviors in my late 60s!!
ooh the isolation is real,,, so glad I’m bringing avoidance and shame into my adulthood 😀
Currently isolating, I wished I could trust my friends. It makes me a bit sad that they think I don't like them but I feel completely unsafe and get anxiety attacks when I see them. It's not even their fault but I was destroyed by the only person I truly trusted and now everyone I love feels unsafe. They don't get it cause it's been a year but it feels like yesterday to me and my heart is not ready to face any more pain.
My mom would blame it on middle child syndrome whenever I called her out on it. “Oh you’re just the middle child, you’re going to feel that way”. Would piss me off all the time.
100%, me. I became co-dependent with my younger addict sister, my Husband at 19 y/o and my Oldest child at 23 y/o. It took a very long time for me to realize I had needs too and I was the only one ultimately responsible for meeting my needs. That helped me tremendously.
I'm way past not being able to express my emotions, now my mind doesn't even process any emotions.
Not me crying because this IS and WAS me my entire life.
Growing up, I was definitely the invisible child. My brother tormented me psychologically so much that he had to be sent to live with my dad (him and my mother were never married and he left her for another woman shortly after I was born) and I was put in therapy. But the therapists, didn't care about my case.
It was because of my trauma that I kept to myself (also I was an undiagnosed autistic)
I kept from getting into trouble and evem my mom will tell you, if you stick me in a corner with a blanket to sit on, a coloring book and crayons I'll sit there for hours quiet as a mouse.
But as I grew older, I'm thankful that my mother still checked in with me time to time. I don't think as often as she should, but she did.
But being the "good child" had it's downsides because in 7th grade I had this horrible math teacher in 3rd and 4th semester. He would single me out, yell at me from across the classroom in front of everyone. He had this.. unapproachable aura around him and he didn't teach in a way I understood. He literally couldn't, because he would try to for those who "didn't get it" but literally all he changed was he just talked and explained slower. But the teaching style didn't change and I didn't understand it. And when I tried fo ask my friends for help who were in his class, he'd say I was disturbing everyone and seperate me from everyone.
I ran out of his class crying twice and with other teachers.. I never did that. Other teacher never had so much as a single complaint about me because usually a short light lecture would be enough to almost have me in tears. (I was a sensitive child) Basically I gave up very quickly in his class and because of him I gave up on school in general. Because if I couldn't pass one subject, I would fail the whole grade anyway so I stopped trying in my other classes aswell.
Anyway, when I would try to tell my mother cause he would complain to her about me. She would never let me get a single word out and talk over me. So I would feel alone. Cause she was my rock, and if she didn't even listen.. then what was the point?
Just last month, I learned that the reason my mother treated me like that. Is because since she had her hands full with my step siblings (I will give her credit there they were demons) and since I was usually rhe good quiet child. She thought she could brush it off cause nothing important was going on and she actually apologized for how she treated me back then. Even if she didn't remember caus she claims she doesn't at all but she said she trusted me when I told her how she acted back then.
I'm lucky to have a mother like her.
From invisible to seen 🤯
I’ve harnessed my invisibility with my stealth abilities… too the point I have to pry coworkers, friends, family and even complete strangers off of the proverbial ceiling when I nearly scare them half to death after I just appear next to them…
I get bells a lot for Christmas and birthday presents.
You have explained it so well. I was quite unsure of why I am the way I am. But, now I know!! Thank you❤.
This hit me so hard because thats me now as an adult it is hard to get past those points but i am trying and getting better and im pround of how far ive gotten
Yep this accurate and it puts everything into words.
Yep! My feels don’t matter. My grandmother used to ask me how I was feeling if I told her I wasn’t feeling well. She would literally turn around and go in the other room and shut the door.
That’s a cute stuffed animal I like koala bears myself
😢
My brothers were unhinged monsters, knocking up multiple girls , drinking , gambling, skipping college, damage the car-
So it taught me never to date, avoid that drama, dont go to parties, go to every class ontime, be grateful for the bus .... Dont talk to anyone because no one cares and i have ro be a self regulating adult that can take care of my own issues.
... And then i graduated and had absolutely 0 life skills because the only people i spoke to were my family. 😢 So now im searching for a job with absolutely no clue how to get a job. Its not like tv where they have help wanted signs in the window and hire you for having a plucky attitude. Ive gone to multiple interviews and probably failed each one just because i cant hold a conversation with the hiring manager ....
You literally post about my life every day 😭
That was me. The struggle was real. Relearning everything about the relationships and practicing yoga helped me. Also the family constellation therapy helped.
I feel this, do you have material on how to break the cycle and not repeat with our children?
Every. Single. One. Of. Your. Clips = my life. Thank you for the validation.
My cousin once told me I raised myself but that's because if I wasn't invisible I was the target,,,
it's weird beeing called out like this.
But it's kinda nice hearing that i am not the only one struggling with this. I remember when my parents were divorcing, it hit me hard but the thing that hit me even harder was parents or my relatives asking me how my siblings were doing and when i asked them if they didn't care about how i was feeling they just said we can tell that it's hard for so no need to ask u how u r doing.
I am 20 now and i feel like this one of the reasons I don't talk about thing's that bother me since it always feels like nobody cares and nothing ever changes even if u talk about ur feelings..
Huh... this is the most like myself of all the videos. I was the youngest and my parents had a lot of stuff to worry about. So I tended to observe my older siblings, learn from them and tend to my own contentment. This lead me just to kinda coast by for a lot of things and while I would seek out my parents to talk to them and they did talk back they didn't really go out of their way to check in on myself. But they were still really good parents despite this. Just tired parents.
As a parent, I watch these hoping to do better for my 5 children! My quiet daughter is just like me. And I think I’m doing ok even though my childhood wasn’t that great. So hopefully the awareness helps her cope better with life. She’s a sweetheart ! All my kids are probably expected to do more for themselves that other kids just for the fact we have 5 children close together in age…but I definitely take time to pay attention to them and give them positive feedback. We do lots of activities together, they get treats often, and rewards for their hard work around the house. I didn’t feel seen a lot and would hide in my bedroom, so I try to make sure my kids feel comfortable with their home life and I go talk to them if I feel like they are being withdrawn. As parents, we have to do our best and pay attention! ❤
This resonated so hard
Yup, that was me. I entertained myself by shoving my head through the wrought iron bars of our second floor railing.
Every time she uses the adult and inner child scenarios i find it terrifying on how the inner child blurts out accurate emotional wounds
I guess it comforting to know im actually cliche lol
I’m turning 50 this year, and this was very different to watch without tearing up. 😢