Hi The School of Life, I'm actually about to restart a relationship with my ex-partner and I would love to try this tactic. Could you please let me know whether we each need to prepare answers for these questions beforehand, or just speak about what is in mind as an answer spontaneously at the moment when you are doing this practice? Much appreciated if you could help us practice this method.
Those are not questions. These are questions: 1. What do you want to be appreciated for? 2. What do you do when you panic? 3. What happened in your childhood to make you feel less normal? 4. What do you want to be forgive for? 5. Can you tell me where I hurt you? 6. What can I do to help you change? 7. What would you miss about me?
@@joanamariecanlas4129 Hey. From experience, don't start with this specific question. It's a horrible question to be asked, especially when you have raw reactions that you can't really understand how it happened, and your partner keeps asking you "why did you do that?" and you don't know the answer for it. It's a horrible feeling.
@@JuarezWeiss was about to say the exact thing! No matter our intentions, "why" comes off as an aggressive question - especially in such a vulnerable moment. It puts the person on the spot and can trigger reactions they might not be able to control or fully understand. It also puts you in a quite aggressive position in which you, having a higher ground, demand an answer to a difficult question which further separates you from that person. If only I would understand all these things earlier. :)
I think many modern relationships fail, especially marriages, because people tend to look at themselves as lovers instead of as friends, companions, and mutual assistants.
Yet, the complexities of being in a committed relationship far outweigh those of being mere friends, companions or mutual assistants. There are particular sets of expectations in a romantic relationship which you won't find in other relationships that people have which eventually make all the difference.
Me and my girlfriend can't see each other currently and as a consequence of this temporary long distanced nature of our relationship we seem to be deteriorating. Then we talked it out and in retrospective I basically recognized all of these components which helped us heal the wounds the two of us have been inflicting on each other lately. I did not take inspiration from this video specifically, but I feel this channel has taught me how to better communicate and think about my emotions and the emotions of others. I'm endlessly grateful for Alain and everyone at the School of life. You just add so much value to this short and ephemeral lifetime we've been given.
These are two very calm, very emotionally-balanced individuals who could hold down a conversation like the adults that they are, or at least, that is how the conversation is being presented to us, dramatically, at least. The real trick is to find someone who you could converse with in a meaningful way, and is unafraid of opening up and being transparent about their emotion, and to speak freely of their deepest, and quite possibly, even darkest fears to us. But it is helpful since it breaks down 7 very basic questions which for most people who would rather be ”shut out“ from exploring their full-range of emotions and understanding their psyche better, seem very scary. Regardless, this video is enlightening, and kudos to The School of Life for doing it again and helping us in understanding ourselves better! I've never been more hooked on a UA-cam channel quite like this before.
This is one of the most truly romantic, adorable, mature, powerful, revealing and sweetest scenes I've ever watched, I feel so calm, collected and in peace. This is lovely. 😍😊😄
if this isn't too late, school of life has videos on attachment patterns, more specifically on a relationship between one anxiously attached person to an avoidant person. it's about finding this balance between being too attached and too distant. got check it out, might be helpful.
I love these types of conversations. I often have them spontaneously with my boyfriend, and afterwards we both feel enriched as human beings, like we've helped each other grow once more :) One of the crucial parts is that you can both laugh with yourselves and truly listen. Great work, The School of Life!
one can't relate properly with others until one learns how to relate properly to oneself! knowing yourself on a psychological level is a fundamental prerequisite for having such a mature conversation with your significant other. most of the times it is not the significant other that drives us crazy, it is us not knowing how to deal with ourselves. but also talk is super important too.
Relationships take *so* much work. Love languages, attachment styles, communication styles, upbringing, childhood wounds, triggers, domineering personality traits, all have to be taken into consideration and be balanced just so (if one or both are even aware of these things) just in order to get to the very step shown in this video. And even then, people change over the years, life changes, new curve balls are thrown and new needs/desires discovered as the partners evolve and grow, which requires constant upkeep, re-evaluation, and commitment. I had no idea how many variables, how much work it takes *from both parties* to cultivate a successful, supportive, monogamous relationship until my own marriage failed. Having a conversation like this would have been welcomed as well as helpful, but unfortunately would not have gone well. Kudos to all who are in long term partnership. I have much respect for you.
Question 1: the things I would like to be appreciated for... Question 2: when I'm in a panic, I... Question 3: I'd probably be more normal if the following hadn't happened to me In childhood... Question 4: what I would like to be forgiven for... Question 5: where I'd love you to realize you hurt me is... Question 6: what would help me change is if you... Thought about answering theses too lol, but maybe that's too personal for me lol. Hope all is well and Wish you the best!
The things I wild like to be appreciated for When I'm in a panic I .. I'd probably be more normal if the following hadn't happened to me in childhood Where I love you to realize you hurt me is.. What would help me change is if you... What i miss about you..
Wow, you got a lot more from this then I did. I thought it seemed rather amateurish, to be honest. The imagery is poorly lid, and the repetitive camera angles during the conversation made it a bit tiresome to watch. The music was reminiscent of an old black/white movie, which was a distraction to me. But the actors did a great job, and the dialog was very authentic.
ThisIsMyFullName, interesting view. Rather than amateuristic, I found it more... unassuming? The simplicity of the shot allowed the actors work and the dialogue to really shine through. Also, I just love Khyan's storytelling in general haha. But enough about the technicalities. I hope you appreciated the message of the video at least! :)
anamariana Well it isn't bad by any means. I just wish he had explored the room a bit more, so it wasn't as much about the words that were spoken, but also the body language and the emotions in a visual sense. You know, like focusing in on her hand, fiddling with a ring on her finger as an act of nervous behaviour, or focus on his face with him touching his chin as a sign of curiosity. Then get a shot of each of them from a bird perspective, to make them appear small as a imagery of vulnerableness or reflection. Also to get a sense of it being two people sitting alone in a room, having an intimate moment. But I guess then it wouldn't be unassuming :)
How beautiful, thank you! There's too much content out there about "finding someone new" and the like. It's nice when it's about the continuance of something long term
All the best. In case it fails always remember there are 7 billion people on this realm. Never make your life miserable just cause of one individual especially the one who doesn't recognize your efforts. Have a great day ahead. :)
We broke up a month ago and the memories of argues and bad things had vanished to let place to good old times memories. It used to be so fresh and recent, yet so far in the past, forever in the past... I'm free from argues with her but I miss this person and I'm feeling lonely.
@@MikeJackson690 this year to me is going to be 2 years but we've been connecting lately and having such a good time. It is nice to witness that we love each other very deeply and it seems that we want to be in each other's life. There is a lot of compassion required to connect again and I wish we could heal enough.
I hope you guys know how much better you are helping me make my life and marriage ad relationships with my kids. You guys are amazing and I am so grateful and appreciate you so much. 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
This type of conversation took gentle but straightforward approach to handling relationships, but I feel like it depends on you and your partner's attachment styles. I find it hard to engage in certain conversations with an avoidant person because they have the tendency to just dismiss the whole thing. Learning and being in tune with not just your own attachment style but also your partner's could be another step towards understanding each other better. The School of Life made videos about the attachment styles 😊
I couldn’t even get through this without crying. This is so beautiful. I felt the way I’ve felt when I was a child and watching the 80’s movies or old English movies and in relationships how people really loved and understood the other person. I never thought I’d have that feeling again of like ‘wow I’m excited to experience this’ . This was really fantastic to watch
I wish all people realized this is what you need to do. Opening up to your partner on a deeper level and communicating like this is key to becoming so much closer and having a much more beautiful relationship.
Dr Roxburgh is a wonderful member of the school, deeply emotionally and academically intelligent, with a voice that can wash away any worries. An excellent video, as always.
The loving, tender honesty of these videos elicits a profound emotional response within me. I'm holding back tears. As someone who was never able to experience honest communication either indirectly through watching parents do so, or directly with said parents or with previous partners, this gives me so much comfort, through hope and a real belief that this is possible. It's so difficult, when you've been taught that honesty will lead to abandonment and neglect.
I feel like this is helpful for relationships with already good communication. Say if one of the members in the relationship just can't/won't communicate, then these questions won't do anything.
Truly lovely. For sincere and open dialogue is a fundamental part of any relationship, but most times passive-aggressive communication takes its place. It's so comforting to find videos that highlight the complexity of individuals and how to cope with the challenge of imperfect beings teaching each other how to best love them. =)
i really wish i find someone who can be vulnerable and be able to talk about this kind of conversation, instead of saying im being oversensitive whenever i open up to my partner. its just sad. to remember my past relationship with someone who totally shut down his feelings
You guys really changed my perspective on relationships, it's truly amazing. I read the book "relationships" and ever since I'm no longer the same. Thank you Allan!
One thing that would change in that is to get close to her, touching her hands, slightly sideways.. Being front to front (confrontational stance) and having a table diving us make the conversation harder..
UA-cam recommending me this seems like they are following my love life. But he don’t want to work us out anymore. He don’t want me back anymore. However thanks anyway youtube for feeling me sometimes. In the process of healing and letting go🌸💛🦋
So much could be saved if people were honest with each other and talked. Talking goes such a long way; I just came out of a relationship and I struggle with the fact that it could have been saved if we had talked, but we didn't
Most of the guys I've been with are afraid to sit down and have this kind of a talk. Always finding excuses or postponing it. And when it's time to talk, they blow up in aggression, despite me holding my own and being calm. Difficult to find a man in a sea of aging boys.
Naedyn amazingly í have also dealt with the same problem with the women I date. it seems right tough for them to handle the fact that not every guy they date cares so much about sex in their relationships. Some of us men would rather talk and have nice moments with our women like in this video, instead of always trying to have sex. its like living in a desert full of aging girls.
Teach yourself to recognise this type of person, _before_ you get into a romantic relationship. Ask him some honest questions after you've gotten to know each other, to get a sense of his reaction. You can't just get into a relationship with any random guy, and then expect him to be someone ells when you want him to. If you're looking for a relationship with a person who you can have these kinds of conversations with, then make it a part of your personal criteria from the beginning of the relationship. It's okay to reject someone because you don't find them mature enough for you. Some people never grow up.
In your opinon, what can I - as a guy who has once prouded himself on being comfortable to talk about pretty much anything and at a certain point realized that he's like most other men when it comes to these kinds of talks - do to stop or maybe feel less vulnerable and more open to dialogue in such conversations?
Sometimes I feel like falling in love is like falling into a live land mine. The falling bit is effortless, exciting and without friction. Once you land, I feel it's an all out war where if you don't tread lightly... you are open to total destruction. Yet seeing these two, discussing in such a mature, loving way gives me hope that what I believe is necessary in a relationship... i.e. real, honest, reflective "over-the-belt" communication is possible. It didn't hurt that the man in the video is so attractive.
This would be more complete if the titular questions were actually questions, not statements. For instance rather than concentrating on what I want to say about 'the things I would like to be appreciated for...' I'd be better preparing myself inwardly to ask my lover 'What things would you like me to appreciate you for?', and truly reach to hear, clarify and understand the answers. I suspect you're trying to start change and model behaviour, commencing with knowing-self in this video which is great, but in my experience these kinds of conversation provoke far stronger emotions than those pictured, and being able to handle that maturely rather than spraying your partner with it, will help ensure it's a restart, rather than the start of the end. Focus on the Other, because without an Other how do we know ourselves? IMHO A more complete telling would be 'Seven questions to restart your relationship, and how to listen to the answers.' Having said that I really do like this video, and am sure that the discipline of listening, and 'allowing you lover to change you' is also covered by The School of Life. Put a link at then end when you re-edit it perhaps?
This thing called "fall out of love" does exist in a relationship. But before you choose to leave, at least somehow try to do something first. Try to sit down and have a calm conversation with your partner and use the tips given by this video. :)
going through some small bumps and insecurities issues with my own relationship, kinda lost that initial spark, but all relationships do, but i understand it is not the end of the world. and this video has helped a lot to open my eyes, Thank you!
You know, as crude as that sounds, sometimes its easier to try again and again when you have such a well-groomed person as your partner. If she was my partner i would be more than willing to have these conversations. But hey, its not so easy when the other person simply does not try.
daddydojang Yeh, I was reading the last sentence and then it would skip and I would be like, shit, then I'd have to look for the text again and pause it to read
Didn’t finish the whole thing yet, but this is a BRILLIANT thing to do as a couple. Not just once, but as often as it takes to understand one another. (I only have one little criticism that I hate to even bring up, but: The “questions” aren’t questions. They’re prompting statements. Might be more helpful to the viewer to title them as such. Thanks in advance. Again, the information here is great. 👏)
This format is kinda nice, but it's less clear and not easy to oversee what has been said and why that was said. I think a big part of that is the necessity of switching between reading and listening. Maybe your wonderful narrator for the written parts would be enough, just alongside of the written text. Or... well I'm sure you guys are keen enough to find a solution for it.
I think it's a good point. I think it comes down to how I am digesting the information; I'm trying to listen to this fairly intense conversation and switching to reading and digesting that takes me a few seconds to adjust. By the time I adjust I have to pause and go back. The video is great and I don't think Aldo said otherwise - it's just a bit hard to follow for me. I think I have to watch videos in this style twice to fully internalize the content. I think the narration idea solves that. Also... dontzenyourselfout, you sound like you could be a bit more zen... chill out. Aldo just shared a thought.
I found this so beautiful you can see how much they love eachother. Communication is so important my boyfriend has taught me so much I'm this relationship he grounds me so much ❤
This was therapeutic to watch; I don't have a relationship to fix, but maybe observing healthy communication like this will make me a better friend in the future.
They are a beautiful couple, and I really do appreciate how they talk to each other. It inspires me to one day be a better communicator with my best friend.
Yep, relationships definitely would work better, like at work, if we had weekly "team meetings/roundings." As long as both people are into it, showing up, and participating. I'm not a fan of meetings, but if it included some yummy food, and drink I might like them a little bit more. ;^)
Wow. This video is so incredibly insightful. Now this is some quality content. And what a good example to actually SEE people going through the experience of sharing such a talk, which is far from easy - and it is something that we are never shown in the process of growing up/living in our culture! (Or at least, I wasn’t). Thank you!!!
Lol, I did have to pause the video a lot, but it was worth the advice... I'd like to express my gratitude to you guys. You're amazing, and so is the advice it's helped me, and I am sure it will help many others. I really hope it makes a big change. The biggest problem I see with advice and therapy is that it's extremely hard to reach the people who are tired of being told they are damaged. And are the problem or have been made feel that they are the problem and haven't received healthy criticism much in life they don't even understand what healthy criticism is... and honestly, a lot of people who think that they know what it is still don't know. My best knowledge of it is that it is to let them know that the way they handled a situation was not necessarily bad but instead lay out a pros cons of what effect the way they handles it causes and why or atleast a few pros and cons that are more common. After the first step, let them know a couple of better ways of handling it and give them the pros for those choices. If there are cons and there shouldn't be, but if so, list those. It's important to be on the same page. If they point out how that wouldn't work, then ask why he heard them out process the information trying to spot logical fallacies, misconceptions, etc.. it's not hard, but it's time-consuming, and this day and age patience is extremely important as always, but especially I feel it's needed in this era. I'm actually going to look for all pros all cons of all problems history has or has ever had put them in orders of most common to least common, biggest to smallest, first to last, cause and effects leading up to and from each other. Then map it as a historical type of family tree network and link to them all what the most effective fixes would have been for each of them that way as a whole of humanity for our sake the sake of our ancestors and descendents to come and for the entire environment I'll even do modifications for each belief system and when and where the problems were as well as useing 2-3 points of perspective the mine and both sides involved with whatever conflicts have occurred. There will be a bunch of stories I'm sure to run into. I'll attach those to the problems and fixes. As examples for exactly how the fix was used and proof that the problems have occurred because of this that and another... I'm sincerely bewildered at how much division, chaos, and confusion I've seen in the short 27 years of my life. Some people have problems over what I'd consider nothing and others don't believe it's a problem at all its a matter of what was learned / taught from birth on up and whatever personal perspectives have been formed because of the many people's many different cultures and ways of handling things... I've been through so much in life, my pain has been more than anyone should have to put up with however not as great as many others and so I'd love for nothing more than to end unnecessary suffering. Sadness anger and fear do serve a purpose but not one that would be as effective as just pure happiness from the very start and when or if there is a lack of greatfulness, it's as simple as don't spoil eachother. There has been to much information that's very misleading and misinterpreted, causing too much overload lately, and it would fix everything if we simply filter it and organize it and slim it down by categorizing it... I'm slacking cause I'm lacking confidence in it, but wish me luck. Maybe someone has already done the information gathering, idk. Maybe someone has already done this sort of thing, but I really doubt it.
I like the silent-film-style title cards. However, I do think they go by too quickly and you don't leave them up long enough for the viewer to read. Having to quickly read a short paragraph in five seconds *and* fully comprehend it is really difficult, especially when half your brain is trying to appreciate and listen to the music. I found myself having to pause and go back several times.
This is good thank you, I love my husband so much but we have a hard time. Not letting go of past issues this is a good starting point for couples that want to be together are still and the chemistry is still there.
This was positively one of the most brilliantly executed vids done by SOL. The actors did a wonderful job in their portrayals. I have been wanting & trying to have this kind of honest, open, & really bonded communications w/ significant others for decades now. I simply have not found the kind of partners brave enough or mature enough for the kind of dialogue displayed here. I have long since believed in taking inventory of our performance in relationships as they relate to hitting the marks that are important to our loves are concerned...rooting out perceived shortcomings &/or injustices w/ the aim to correct or improve upon them...just like one would at a job they really care about or perhaps as a player on a team. These sorts of real heart to hearts are invaluable. But often times, I've been met w/ scorn, fear, heightened defensiveness etc. which lead to no progress or renewed sense of purpose in relationships. I believe Steven Covey talked about something like this as well in his 7 habits book regarding group mission statements & developing them as a unit together. It's been quite disheartening to say the least. Bc I believe family relationships...friendships...romantic partnerships...business partnership...virtually all forms of relationships would benefit from this kind of discourse...Either to renew one's purpose, focus & commitment, or to discover that the cost is too high & it's time to move on. & obviously the process of improvement is just that. But the clarity between everyone involved would be liberating. Alas...I'm just not sure how doable this is. As stated in other vids...life is complicated...relationships even moreso...& we're all monsters...wearing masks we're to afraid to take off. I want to believe this kind of mature loving dialogue is poss. But I just don't know. ..
My ex had a question that made me love her everytime she asked me that, it was "how can I love on you tonight?", it is by far the most beautiful question I was ever asked.
Before watching these videos I used to try to communicate these question in a relationship. Whenever I would, it would turn into argument or my significant other at the time just wouldn't acknowledge what I was trying to do and would resist these types of conversations. How do you get a person to realize that these conversations need to be had? Or, if they are so resistant, does that mean it needs to end?
Me too I went through something similar at times. I think that in cases like yours, when the communication is blocked, you are left with no other option than use a 3rd party, a trusted and very well-meaning, very close relative or friend or someone from your partner's circle who can keep a secret. You don't necessarily need to enter into the details, but just openly recruit this 3rd party help's into convincing your partner "that these conversations need to be had". That party will hopefully be more successful into convincing him. If it doesn't work, then maybe the next best option (if you don't want to break up yet) would be to go see on your own a professional couples/marriage/family counselor. Perhaps the two of you will be able to work out a way to have your partner come along/join you in your next appointment (or, if your partner would feel uncomfortable talking in front of you, to have him have his own session(s) with your therapist, until the two of you can talk in front of your therapist). Now, tbh, if your own tries at talking with your partner they all fail, and so fail too the eventual talks from that trusted close friend/relative and/or the eventual talks from a therapist/counselor; in a word, your partner is too stubborn... well, that very probably means you will have to end the relationship. Perhaps after some time your partner will realize and will ask you to be back together: Would you be open to it? Under which terms and conditions? How long after the break woulds be acceptable? In any case, I wish you the best of lucks with all that.
Most useful video of the around 20 videos of your channel that I have already watched. Thank you. I had an idea of what to do but watching this has helped me to put all together.
Eventhough I am single, I still find the questions interesting cause I can try and answer it myself and realise how much good things I forget about myself when I am sad
Very excellent video. The type all of your subscribers have come to appreciate and need to survive the confusing chaos of being human beings. I absolutely love the slide about the Alhambra tile. I believe that’s one of the key factors why relationships fail. Because people stop trying to find the beauty inside our partners. Otherwise, all of the beauty of our partner, that surrounds us, becomes overlooked as it is taken for granted. Personal thought sessions reflecting on how we can have a mindset of gratitude would help.
and we do realize that the most important thing For a healthy relationship is true Communication, it allows us to be us not to pretend, to spread up our thoughts and feelings, to show that first personality we met, and did attract us. it's like always restarting from the beginning, conversation is your ingredient.
I don't want to sound harsh, and maybe while writing this I am also saying it to myself (lol): have you tried lowering your standards a little bit? Oh and I seriously advice against Tinder if you are looking for something more serious.
BassForever44 you can definitely find something serious on tinder. When your meeting up to 3 girls a week like I am through tinder your bound to find someone
We made a box with all these questions and many more, available for you: www.theschooloflife.com/shop/relationship-reboot/
The School of Life Does this also apply to lost friendships?
What's the title for the piece of music?
Hi The School of Life, I'm actually about to restart a relationship with my ex-partner and I would love to try this tactic. Could you please let me know whether we each need to prepare answers for these questions beforehand, or just speak about what is in mind as an answer spontaneously at the moment when you are doing this practice? Much appreciated if you could help us practice this method.
@@fpvrous-8176 restart a relationship with my ex partner. 😟😟. Saw title, sadly I thought maybe it was me they were talking about. Guess not. $#@#
What’s the music used in this video?
Those are not questions. These are questions:
1. What do you want to be appreciated for?
2. What do you do when you panic?
3. What happened in your childhood to make you feel less normal?
4. What do you want to be forgive for?
5. Can you tell me where I hurt you?
6. What can I do to help you change?
7. What would you miss about me?
THANK YOU
I’ll start with the question “Why did you do what you did?”.
Thanks, took me forever to understand this video because of the shitty wording.
@@joanamariecanlas4129 Hey. From experience, don't start with this specific question. It's a horrible question to be asked, especially when you have raw reactions that you can't really understand how it happened, and your partner keeps asking you "why did you do that?" and you don't know the answer for it. It's a horrible feeling.
@@JuarezWeiss was about to say the exact thing! No matter our intentions, "why" comes off as an aggressive question - especially in such a vulnerable moment. It puts the person on the spot and can trigger reactions they might not be able to control or fully understand.
It also puts you in a quite aggressive position in which you, having a higher ground, demand an answer to a difficult question which further separates you from that person.
If only I would understand all these things earlier. :)
I think many modern relationships fail, especially marriages, because people tend to look at themselves as lovers instead of as friends, companions, and mutual assistants.
I concur, they want eros but fail to understand that philia is an important part of a relationship
Yet, the complexities of being in a committed relationship far outweigh those of being mere friends, companions or mutual assistants. There are particular sets of expectations in a romantic relationship which you won't find in other relationships that people have which eventually make all the difference.
Me and my girlfriend can't see each other currently and as a consequence of this temporary long distanced nature of our relationship we seem to be deteriorating. Then we talked it out and in retrospective I basically recognized all of these components which helped us heal the wounds the two of us have been inflicting on each other lately. I did not take inspiration from this video specifically, but I feel this channel has taught me how to better communicate and think about my emotions and the emotions of others. I'm endlessly grateful for Alain and everyone at the School of life. You just add so much value to this short and ephemeral lifetime we've been given.
My relationship didn't make it I wish i had seen this video sooner...
Is your mate in prison
@@NathanBonline keep trying. If this keeps up I'm gone. Soon. I can't take it anymore.😭💔
These are two very calm, very emotionally-balanced individuals who could hold down a conversation like the adults that they are, or at least, that is how the conversation is being presented to us, dramatically, at least.
The real trick is to find someone who you could converse with in a meaningful way, and is unafraid of opening up and being transparent about their emotion, and to speak freely of their deepest, and quite possibly, even darkest fears to us. But it is helpful since it breaks down 7 very basic questions which for most people who would rather be ”shut out“ from exploring their full-range of emotions and understanding their psyche better, seem very scary. Regardless, this video is enlightening, and kudos to The School of Life for doing it again and helping us in understanding ourselves better! I've never been more hooked on a UA-cam channel quite like this before.
This is one of the most truly romantic, adorable, mature, powerful, revealing and sweetest scenes I've ever watched, I feel so calm, collected and in peace. This is lovely. 😍😊😄
Thanks so much!
The School of Life You are very much welcome. And thank _you_ for enlightening us about life with your wonderful videos. 😊😄
Kishen Rao It's mostly her voice I think. It's a very nurturing sweet voice. And the piano. :)
Sean O Yeah 😄
The School of Life it made me cry. I sent it to my husband and I took a screen shot of the questions 😊
the problem is when the orther person don't feel confortable to talk, it makes things difficult to fix
If they’re not comfortable talking about it you can try to get them to write it down. Just a thought.
if this isn't too late, school of life has videos on attachment patterns, more specifically on a relationship between one anxiously attached person to an avoidant person. it's about finding this balance between being too attached and too distant. got check it out, might be helpful.
I agree
true
Or if they just invalidate any feeling you have..... hard to fight the battle alone
I just LOVED how the video used a real couple with real problems!
I love these types of conversations. I often have them spontaneously with my boyfriend, and afterwards we both feel enriched as human beings, like we've helped each other grow once more :) One of the crucial parts is that you can both laugh with yourselves and truly listen. Great work, The School of Life!
Yokiito ew
one can't relate properly with others until one learns how to relate properly to oneself! knowing yourself on a psychological level is a fundamental prerequisite for having such a mature conversation with your significant other. most of the times it is not the significant other that drives us crazy, it is us not knowing how to deal with ourselves. but also talk is super important too.
Relationships take *so* much work. Love languages, attachment styles, communication styles, upbringing, childhood wounds, triggers, domineering personality traits, all have to be taken into consideration and be balanced just so (if one or both are even aware of these things) just in order to get to the very step shown in this video.
And even then, people change over the years, life changes, new curve balls are thrown and new needs/desires discovered as the partners evolve and grow, which requires constant upkeep, re-evaluation, and commitment.
I had no idea how many variables, how much work it takes *from both parties* to cultivate a successful, supportive, monogamous relationship until my own marriage failed. Having a conversation like this would have been welcomed as well as helpful, but unfortunately would not have gone well.
Kudos to all who are in long term partnership. I have much respect for you.
Question 1: the things I would like to be appreciated for...
Question 2: when I'm in a panic, I...
Question 3: I'd probably be more normal if the following hadn't happened to me In childhood...
Question 4: what I would like to be forgiven for...
Question 5: where I'd love you to realize you hurt me is...
Question 6: what would help me change is if you...
Thought about answering theses too lol, but maybe that's too personal for me lol. Hope all is well and Wish you the best!
The things I wild like to be appreciated for
When I'm in a panic I ..
I'd probably be more normal if the following hadn't happened to me in childhood
Where I love you to realize you hurt me is..
What would help me change is if you...
What i miss about you..
Thank you
"There is no love, only proofs of love" ---a favorite quote, and this video illustrates it quite well.
The images, the dialogue, the piano; it just oozes Khyan's artistry. Bravo.
its because you're an artist too
Wow, you got a lot more from this then I did. I thought it seemed rather amateurish, to be honest. The imagery is poorly lid, and the repetitive camera angles during the conversation made it a bit tiresome to watch. The music was reminiscent of an old black/white movie, which was a distraction to me. But the actors did a great job, and the dialog was very authentic.
ThisIsMyFullName, interesting view. Rather than amateuristic, I found it more... unassuming? The simplicity of the shot allowed the actors work and the dialogue to really shine through. Also, I just love Khyan's storytelling in general haha. But enough about the technicalities. I hope you appreciated the message of the video at least! :)
anamariana Well it isn't bad by any means. I just wish he had explored the room a bit more, so it wasn't as much about the words that were spoken, but also the body language and the emotions in a visual sense. You know, like focusing in on her hand, fiddling with a ring on her finger as an act of nervous behaviour, or focus on his face with him touching his chin as a sign of curiosity. Then get a shot of each of them from a bird perspective, to make them appear small as a imagery of vulnerableness or reflection. Also to get a sense of it being two people sitting alone in a room, having an intimate moment. But I guess then it wouldn't be unassuming :)
Love Khyan
You guys must think we are speed readers
i am
No, for real 😂😂 I had to pause it to read things smh
English is not my first language and I thought the same!
for some seconds I thought it's my own problem since I am a Chinese...
Bin Han well it is
Communication is key for any relationship, always. I wish I could admit my relationship flaws as publically as these two. Bravo!
why can't you?
Faith Thompson as these two are pretending to*
I don't know if this was done by actors, but she has one of the sweetest, calmest voices I've ever heard. She should be narrating audio books
How beautiful, thank you! There's too much content out there about "finding someone new" and the like. It's nice when it's about the continuance of something long term
I'm going to try to use this to fix a friendship of mine. Wish me luck!
Jeanne-Marie Tchoumak
Good luck
All the best. In case it fails always remember there are 7 billion people on this realm. Never make your life miserable just cause of one individual especially the one who doesn't recognize your efforts. Have a great day ahead. :)
good luck!
I'm doing the same. We've got this!!!
NEVER EVER DO IGOT LESS THAN 7 ...Did we watch the same video??
Question 7 easily make me cry.. We broke up 4 months ago and I'm still missing everything about her :`(
Nearly 2 years for me and I still miss her so much. I feel your pain but I wish you luck and a speedy recovery.
I feel like i will join very you soon guys. I don't know, it's very hard dealing with our situation it kills me when she's ignoring me.
We broke up a month ago and the memories of argues and bad things had vanished to let place to good old times memories. It used to be so fresh and recent, yet so far in the past, forever in the past... I'm free from argues with her but I miss this person and I'm feeling lonely.
@@MikeJackson690 this year to me is going to be 2 years but we've been connecting lately and having such a good time. It is nice to witness that we love each other very deeply and it seems that we want to be in each other's life. There is a lot of compassion required to connect again and I wish we could heal enough.
I hope you guys know how much better you are helping me make my life and marriage ad relationships with my kids. You guys are amazing and I am so grateful and appreciate you so much. 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
Thank you so much! And if you're ever tempted, take a look at everything we do around relationships here: www.theschooloflife.com/shop/love
Now lets have a video about - Seven ways to move on after a heartbreak
Look up Noah Elkrief!!
Thank you
Hello there! They have a video called " How to get over someone" on this channel. It may help:-)
I agree.
Or 365 ways... one way for every day of the year. Baby steps my darling.
This type of conversation took gentle but straightforward approach to handling relationships, but I feel like it depends on you and your partner's attachment styles. I find it hard to engage in certain conversations with an avoidant person because they have the tendency to just dismiss the whole thing.
Learning and being in tune with not just your own attachment style but also your partner's could be another step towards understanding each other better. The School of Life made videos about the attachment styles 😊
I couldn’t even get through this without crying. This is so beautiful. I felt the way I’ve felt when I was a child and watching the 80’s movies or old English movies and in relationships how people really loved and understood the other person. I never thought I’d have that feeling again of like ‘wow I’m excited to experience this’ . This was really fantastic to watch
Who is the girl? Her voice is angelic :(
She's absolutely angelically beautiful too.
IanV111
Her name is Dr Hannah Roxburgh, she also hosted the art/architecture series on this channel which I can thoroughly recommend.
Veela
Roisin O'Mahony
Get a pulse.
I wish all people realized this is what you need to do. Opening up to your partner on a deeper level and communicating like this is key to becoming so much closer and having a much more beautiful relationship.
Dr Roxburgh is a wonderful member of the school, deeply emotionally and academically intelligent, with a voice that can wash away any worries. An excellent video, as always.
Josh Cottle and directly under your comment is someone saying "Jeez, she's hot". Makes me appreciate your comment even more
The loving, tender honesty of these videos elicits a profound emotional response within me. I'm holding back tears. As someone who was never able to experience honest communication either indirectly through watching parents do so, or directly with said parents or with previous partners, this gives me so much comfort, through hope and a real belief that this is possible. It's so difficult, when you've been taught that honesty will lead to abandonment and neglect.
this channel gives me hope. im never hopeful. thank you xo
I feel like this is helpful for relationships with already good communication. Say if one of the members in the relationship just can't/won't communicate, then these questions won't do anything.
Truly lovely. For sincere and open dialogue is a fundamental part of any relationship, but most times passive-aggressive communication takes its place. It's so comforting to find videos that highlight the complexity of individuals and how to cope with the challenge of imperfect beings teaching each other how to best love them. =)
i really wish i find someone who can be vulnerable and be able to talk about this kind of conversation, instead of saying im being oversensitive whenever i open up to my partner. its just sad. to remember my past relationship with someone who totally shut down his feelings
You guys really changed my perspective on relationships, it's truly amazing. I read the book "relationships" and ever since I'm no longer the same. Thank you Allan!
One thing that would change in that is to get close to her, touching her hands, slightly sideways.. Being front to front (confrontational stance) and having a table diving us make the conversation harder..
The power of true & honest conversations are unimaginable
Wow. That was powerful... The words, the music, the acting... I almost cried...
UA-cam recommending me this seems like they are following my love life. But he don’t want to work us out anymore. He don’t want me back anymore. However thanks anyway youtube for feeling me sometimes.
In the process of healing and letting go🌸💛🦋
The school of life always seems to upload these when I most need them.
So much could be saved if people were honest with each other and talked. Talking goes such a long way; I just came out of a relationship and I struggle with the fact that it could have been saved if we had talked, but we didn't
Most of the guys I've been with are afraid to sit down and have this kind of a talk. Always finding excuses or postponing it. And when it's time to talk, they blow up in aggression, despite me holding my own and being calm. Difficult to find a man in a sea of aging boys.
date men above 21 years age and you wont have this problem
Naedyn amazingly í have also dealt with the same problem with the women I date. it seems right tough for them to handle the fact that not every guy they date cares so much about sex in their relationships. Some of us men would rather talk and have nice moments with our women like in this video, instead of always trying to have sex. its like living in a desert full of aging girls.
story of my life
Teach yourself to recognise this type of person, _before_ you get into a romantic relationship. Ask him some honest questions after you've gotten to know each other, to get a sense of his reaction. You can't just get into a relationship with any random guy, and then expect him to be someone ells when you want him to. If you're looking for a relationship with a person who you can have these kinds of conversations with, then make it a part of your personal criteria from the beginning of the relationship. It's okay to reject someone because you don't find them mature enough for you. Some people never grow up.
In your opinon, what can I - as a guy who has once prouded himself on being comfortable to talk about pretty much anything and at a certain point realized that he's like most other men when it comes to these kinds of talks - do to stop or maybe feel less vulnerable and more open to dialogue in such conversations?
Communication is so essential... and can assist in avoiding many problems.. and a lifetime of regret.
I wish I would've seen this sooner.
it's too late, but I thank you deeply either way.
Sometimes I feel like falling in love is like falling into a live land mine. The falling bit is effortless, exciting and without friction. Once you land, I feel it's an all out war where if you don't tread lightly... you are open to total destruction.
Yet seeing these two, discussing in such a mature, loving way gives me hope that what I believe is necessary in a relationship... i.e. real, honest, reflective "over-the-belt" communication is possible.
It didn't hurt that the man in the video is so attractive.
OMG this guy have a sweet, shy and super lovely facial expressions.
The way they are looking at each other by the end 😫💗 how beautiful.
This would be more complete if the titular questions were actually questions, not statements. For instance rather than concentrating on what I want to say about 'the things I would like to be appreciated for...' I'd be better preparing myself inwardly to ask my lover 'What things would you like me to appreciate you for?', and truly reach to hear, clarify and understand the answers. I suspect you're trying to start change and model behaviour, commencing with knowing-self in this video which is great, but in my experience these kinds of conversation provoke far stronger emotions than those pictured, and being able to handle that maturely rather than spraying your partner with it, will help ensure it's a restart, rather than the start of the end. Focus on the Other, because without an Other how do we know ourselves? IMHO A more complete telling would be 'Seven questions to restart your relationship, and how to listen to the answers.' Having said that I really do like this video, and am sure that the discipline of listening, and 'allowing you lover to change you' is also covered by The School of Life. Put a link at then end when you re-edit it perhaps?
We hear a lot that communication is the key to a good relationship. This video explains exactly how to communicate. Brilliant video guys!
This thing called "fall out of love" does exist in a relationship. But before you choose to leave, at least somehow try to do something first. Try to sit down and have a calm conversation with your partner and use the tips given by this video. :)
going through some small bumps and insecurities issues with my own relationship, kinda lost that initial spark, but all relationships do, but i understand it is not the end of the world. and this video has helped a lot to open my eyes, Thank you!
Halfway through the video I realised I was single and forever lonely.
me too , i wish i also had such pretty wife , especially the way she was listening to him with those eyes
Are you still lonely a year later?
They're speaking about the very fabric of what a relationship is, its that simple to solve problems. The truth.
Better do Seven questions to START love
Tinder hate him. With these 7 simple question she'll be yours.
Батыр Аминов I'd like that
These two brought me to tears - what a sweet couple and an intense 8 minutes - very powerful
You know, as crude as that sounds, sometimes its easier to try again and again when you have such a well-groomed person as your partner. If she was my partner i would be more than willing to have these conversations. But hey, its not so easy when the other person simply does not try.
Honesty and respect towards oneself and one's partner, is essential to having constructive communication.
Maybe make the texts between the people talking a bit longer please?
A friendly Spazmoid Exactly! The video was great but I kept having to pause it bc of the text. That was quite irritating
It's not hard to pause it. Why make the video twice as long when you can just pause.
Do It Live, one or two times would be fine, but that was a lot of pausing to read. It actually made watching the video unpleasant and took longer.
A friendly Spazmoid, just a second or 2 would have helped right?
daddydojang
Yeh, I was reading the last sentence and then it would skip and I would be like, shit, then I'd have to look for the text again and pause it to read
Didn’t finish the whole thing yet, but this is a BRILLIANT thing to do as a couple. Not just once, but as often as it takes to understand one another.
(I only have one little criticism that I hate to even bring up, but:
The “questions” aren’t questions. They’re prompting statements. Might be more helpful to the viewer to title them as such. Thanks in advance. Again, the information here is great. 👏)
Cutting down on self-praise is another very important ingredient.
I'am usually annoyed by this x questions bs, but this was a really calm and honest video. Thanks
This format is kinda nice, but it's less clear and not easy to oversee what has been said and why that was said.
I think a big part of that is the necessity of switching between reading and listening. Maybe your wonderful narrator for the written parts would be enough, just alongside of the written text. Or... well I'm sure you guys are keen enough to find a solution for it.
I think it's a good point. I think it comes down to how I am digesting the information; I'm trying to listen to this fairly intense conversation and switching to reading and digesting that takes me a few seconds to adjust. By the time I adjust I have to pause and go back. The video is great and I don't think Aldo said otherwise - it's just a bit hard to follow for me. I think I have to watch videos in this style twice to fully internalize the content. I think the narration idea solves that.
Also... dontzenyourselfout, you sound like you could be a bit more zen... chill out. Aldo just shared a thought.
68 likes op je youtube comment damn
It also seems that the pattern of the conversation is:
1) Explain situation
2) Explain feelings that come along with it
3) Come up with a solution
I don't have a relationship why am I watching this?
To be (better) prepared for the future, when you'll have one?
Because you are growing as an individual.
Self flagellation.
To Recover your Non existent breakup
I found this so beautiful you can see how much they love eachother. Communication is so important my boyfriend has taught me so much I'm this relationship he grounds me so much ❤
I need to love again
have fun in the meantime!! not necessarily sex, just fun in general
you will. just give it time. this things come naturally.
There's always oneself
This was therapeutic to watch; I don't have a relationship to fix, but maybe observing healthy communication like this will make me a better friend in the future.
Really useful video but the explanation texts disappear waaay too fast.
Agree! Text too fast to read.
They are a beautiful couple, and I really do appreciate how they talk to each other. It inspires me to one day be a better communicator with my best friend.
Yep, relationships definitely would work better, like at work, if we had weekly "team meetings/roundings." As long as both people are into it, showing up, and participating. I'm not a fan of meetings, but if it included some yummy food, and drink I might like them a little bit more. ;^)
Wow. This video is so incredibly insightful. Now this is some quality content. And what a good example to actually SEE people going through the experience of sharing such a talk, which is far from easy - and it is something that we are never shown in the process of growing up/living in our culture! (Or at least, I wasn’t). Thank you!!!
these are not questions
I had to scroll all the way down to the end to find this. Why? (that's a question, producers)
Lol, I did have to pause the video a lot, but it was worth the advice... I'd like to express my gratitude to you guys. You're amazing, and so is the advice it's helped me, and I am sure it will help many others. I really hope it makes a big change. The biggest problem I see with advice and therapy is that it's extremely hard to reach the people who are tired of being told they are damaged. And are the problem or have been made feel that they are the problem and haven't received healthy criticism much in life they don't even understand what healthy criticism is... and honestly, a lot of people who think that they know what it is still don't know. My best knowledge of it is that it is to let them know that the way they handled a situation was not necessarily bad but instead lay out a pros cons of what effect the way they handles it causes and why or atleast a few pros and cons that are more common. After the first step, let them know a couple of better ways of handling it and give them the pros for those choices. If there are cons and there shouldn't be, but if so, list those. It's important to be on the same page. If they point out how that wouldn't work, then ask why he heard them out process the information trying to spot logical fallacies, misconceptions, etc.. it's not hard, but it's time-consuming, and this day and age patience is extremely important as always, but especially I feel it's needed in this era. I'm actually going to look for all pros all cons of all problems history has or has ever had put them in orders of most common to least common, biggest to smallest, first to last, cause and effects leading up to and from each other. Then map it as a historical type of family tree network and link to them all what the most effective fixes would have been for each of them that way as a whole of humanity for our sake the sake of our ancestors and descendents to come and for the entire environment I'll even do modifications for each belief system and when and where the problems were as well as useing 2-3 points of perspective the mine and both sides involved with whatever conflicts have occurred. There will be a bunch of stories I'm sure to run into. I'll attach those to the problems and fixes. As examples for exactly how the fix was used and proof that the problems have occurred because of this that and another... I'm sincerely bewildered at how much division, chaos, and confusion I've seen in the short 27 years of my life. Some people have problems over what I'd consider nothing and others don't believe it's a problem at all its a matter of what was learned / taught from birth on up and whatever personal perspectives have been formed because of the many people's many different cultures and ways of handling things... I've been through so much in life, my pain has been more than anyone should have to put up with however not as great as many others and so I'd love for nothing more than to end unnecessary suffering. Sadness anger and fear do serve a purpose but not one that would be as effective as just pure happiness from the very start and when or if there is a lack of greatfulness, it's as simple as don't spoil eachother. There has been to much information that's very misleading and misinterpreted, causing too much overload lately, and it would fix everything if we simply filter it and organize it and slim it down by categorizing it... I'm slacking cause I'm lacking confidence in it, but wish me luck. Maybe someone has already done the information gathering, idk. Maybe someone has already done this sort of thing, but I really doubt it.
I like the silent-film-style title cards. However, I do think they go by too quickly and you don't leave them up long enough for the viewer to read. Having to quickly read a short paragraph in five seconds *and* fully comprehend it is really difficult, especially when half your brain is trying to appreciate and listen to the music. I found myself having to pause and go back several times.
This is good thank you, I love my husband so much but we have a hard time. Not letting go of past issues this is a good starting point for couples that want to be together are still and the chemistry is still there.
One of the best videos have ever seen.
If these people are actors, give them some sort of award man! That was well done.
i'm not in a relationship neither in love what am i doing here? but still i love your videos~
I don't know why, but I cried so hard. This touched me and was really beautiful. Thank you
Weird, "why did you fuck my friends?" didn't come up.
:'(
This was positively one of the most brilliantly executed vids done by SOL. The actors did a wonderful job in their portrayals. I have been wanting & trying to have this kind of honest, open, & really bonded communications w/ significant others for decades now. I simply have not found the kind of partners brave enough or mature enough for the kind of dialogue displayed here. I have long since believed in taking inventory of our performance in relationships as they relate to hitting the marks that are important to our loves are concerned...rooting out perceived shortcomings &/or injustices w/ the aim to correct or improve upon them...just like one would at a job they really care about or perhaps as a player on a team. These sorts of real heart to hearts are invaluable. But often times, I've been met w/ scorn, fear, heightened defensiveness etc. which lead to no progress or renewed sense of purpose in relationships. I believe Steven Covey talked about something like this as well in his 7 habits book regarding group mission statements & developing them as a unit together. It's been quite disheartening to say the least. Bc I believe family relationships...friendships...romantic partnerships...business partnership...virtually all forms of relationships would benefit from this kind of discourse...Either to renew one's purpose, focus & commitment, or to discover that the cost is too high & it's time to move on. & obviously the process of improvement is just that. But the clarity between everyone involved would be liberating. Alas...I'm just not sure how doable this is. As stated in other vids...life is complicated...relationships even moreso...& we're all monsters...wearing masks we're to afraid to take off. I want to believe this kind of mature loving dialogue is poss. But I just don't know. ..
This is amazing, really
My ex had a question that made me love her everytime she asked me that, it was "how can I love on you tonight?", it is by far the most beautiful question I was ever asked.
gosh, these animations almost seem real!
Oh wait..
-Personal Power, is using cheap animations
I did this with my partner. we kinda cried at some points. Thank you so much
I'm way too single for this!
This video understands me and my relationship more than I ever did myself, once again, thank you.
Before watching these videos I used to try to communicate these question in a relationship. Whenever I would, it would turn into argument or my significant other at the time just wouldn't acknowledge what I was trying to do and would resist these types of conversations. How do you get a person to realize that these conversations need to be had? Or, if they are so resistant, does that mean it needs to end?
Me too I went through something similar at times. I think that in cases like yours, when the communication is blocked, you are left with no other option than use a 3rd party, a trusted and very well-meaning, very close relative or friend or someone from your partner's circle who can keep a secret. You don't necessarily need to enter into the details, but just openly recruit this 3rd party help's into convincing your partner "that these conversations need to be had". That party will hopefully be more successful into convincing him. If it doesn't work, then maybe the next best option (if you don't want to break up yet) would be to go see on your own a professional couples/marriage/family counselor. Perhaps the two of you will be able to work out a way to have your partner come along/join you in your next appointment (or, if your partner would feel uncomfortable talking in front of you, to have him have his own session(s) with your therapist, until the two of you can talk in front of your therapist). Now, tbh, if your own tries at talking with your partner they all fail, and so fail too the eventual talks from that trusted close friend/relative and/or the eventual talks from a therapist/counselor; in a word, your partner is too stubborn... well, that very probably means you will have to end the relationship. Perhaps after some time your partner will realize and will ask you to be back together: Would you be open to it? Under which terms and conditions? How long after the break woulds be acceptable? In any case, I wish you the best of lucks with all that.
Getting to hear the issues and thoughts of this couple was so wonderful. Well done to them!
I just broke up with my girl and this isn't really helping 😥
Most useful video of the around 20 videos of your channel that I have already watched. Thank you. I had an idea of what to do but watching this has helped me to put all together.
anyone knwo what the background piano music is? it's really pretty
Eventhough I am single, I still find the questions interesting cause I can try and answer it myself and realise how much good things I forget about myself when I am sad
Oh, wow. This is so beautiful.
Very excellent video. The type all of your subscribers have come to appreciate and need to survive the confusing chaos of being human beings. I absolutely love the slide about the Alhambra tile. I believe that’s one of the key factors why relationships fail. Because people stop trying to find the beauty inside our partners. Otherwise, all of the beauty of our partner, that surrounds us, becomes overlooked as it is taken for granted. Personal thought sessions reflecting on how we can have a mindset of gratitude would help.
Not everyone can be as British as her, ok?
TheBlue Sentinel lol
and we do realize that the most important thing For a healthy relationship is true Communication, it allows us to be us not to pretend, to spread up our thoughts and feelings, to show that first personality we met, and did attract us. it's like always restarting from the beginning, conversation is your ingredient.
Im still looking for a women that wont reject me
Brother i can help you with that
Rory try tinder
I don't want to sound harsh, and maybe while writing this I am also saying it to myself (lol): have you tried lowering your standards a little bit?
Oh and I seriously advice against Tinder if you are looking for something more serious.
BassForever44 you can definitely find something serious on tinder. When your meeting up to 3 girls a week like I am through tinder your bound to find someone
don't create the image of the 'perfect' woman in your mind. don't go around saying "I have a type", let everyone have a chance
A heart to heart conversation could've saved us
Love.exe crashed and is not responding.
I Love this so much! Healthy relationships look so far away in our modern world perspective.
Who eats mussels with a fork.
People who don't use question marks when asking a question?