NARCISSISTIC PARENTS
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- Опубліковано 14 сер 2014
- JOIN ME AND AUTHOR TINA FULLER AS WE DISCUSS ASPECTS OF NARCISSISM. SHE GREW UP WITH A NARCISSIST MOTHER AND HAS WRITTEN A VERY TOUCHING BOOK ON HER EXPERIENCE AND THE JOURNEY SHE HAS HAD TO TRAVEL TO FIND HER OWN SENSE OF SELF SEPARATE FROM HER MOTHER’S SELFISH NEEDS.
NARCISSISTIC PARENTS HAVE A PROFOUND IMPACT ON THEIR CHILDREN. OFTENTIMES THE CHILD OF A NARCISSISTIC PARENT ONLY FEELS LOVED WHEN THEY ARE MEETING THEIR PARENT’S NEEDS. - Фільми й анімація
This was me and my mother, and everyone else loved her, i was the bad guy. I was shunned, and disliked by others because she turned them against me, she is prided on out-smarting and out- toughing everyone
Melody Shaw your not alone
This is also my story😑😑
Yep, my mother is definitely a narcissist, I will spend the rest of my life healing the damage she caused me, I’m so great full that people are coming out and talking about this subject, it’s confirming and healing, thank you.
I feel sick when listening because it's so true
+Eternity I understand. It is difficult to face, but we have to face what has happened in order to heal.
The only part I have to disagree with is that you don't need to go No Contact with the Narc. I tried EVERY tactic out there and absolutely nothing worked. I finally had to go NC with Narc mother and her five narcissistic children. I never thought I'd say this, but "Thank God I was the scapegoat." I celebrated three years of NC with the cult this month and am so glad I cut loose.
Standing Ovation to you. #Scapegoat&Proud
CONGRATULATIONS!!! I have tried every tactic as well. So far, 6 months no contact, every day I feel better.....
Peace Joy lol....well done ✅
Amen! My sanity depends on no contact.
Thank you for your comment. Just went no contact last weekend and your comment is helpfull
This definitely resonates with me. The abuse is subtle, but very damaging. I was a conformer, turned rebel, turned runner. My world came crashing down as I woke up to realize what was going on. I'm still working on accepting. This is a painful process and I just went low contact. My NM and I were incredibly enmeshed and I need to find a good therapist...
Yes, this is a very important distinction: people with a healthy self esteem are usually humble.
One of the dangers being a people-pleaser (one of the effects of having a narcissistic parent), is that there are predators out there who will hone in on this, and take advantage.. These predators, such as sociopaths and psychopaths, for example, can cause even more damage to the person.
+WhimsicalXay I agree! It happened to me (adult child of narcissistic parents), a psychopath ruined my life not only present but my future too!
WhimsicalXay my life until recently. Raised by them, married to them, done with them! Time for me!
This is very interesting. Except I have two narcissistic parents and two "conforming"siblings with another sibling that is a "runner" I was a "rebel" Now turned "runner". It has been a very hard road. My latest effort was to tell my parents how I feel only to be told, "now you have got that bull shit off you chest leave us alone to live the rest of our lives in peace". Real nice.
+Rod Dyson Yeah those monsters are so very compassionate and caring aren't they?
+Rod Dyson I believe you. Do not doubt your self
thanks
keep them out, hoping in past year you have chosen you and your thriving and personal success.. blessings dear soul
"the only thing that's going to change with a narcissist is their tactics" spot on
Sadly
Thank you for this show, it took me 58 years to see what my mother was. I am recovering, one day at a time.
You can heal from this Cathy. If I can do it, so can you.
HI Sissi,
You are very welcome. It is always best to get therapy with a psychologist who specializes in narcissism. I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience with your last therapist. It is absolutely necessary to discuss your childhood when dealing with narcissism. I hope you have found someone qualified to help you. I didn't have PTSD, but I know plenty of people who have narcissistic parents that do! You may want to check out my facebook page, Narcissistic Parent Answers. There is a lot of great support there as well. If you have any questions, please feel free to message me, or email me at tinafuller@mac.com.:-)
You are welcome. :-)
cathy cole omg bless you thats alot i hope you find peace again
cathy cole I'm 53, discovering the same thing and hearing from you and others is enormously helpful. One day at a time.
It is a lot of work. And be prepared to feel alone and rejected. We naturally look to our parents for unconditional love and that is at the root of our pain being children of a narcissist. Start right at that point and give yourself love. It's hard because you think you are unworthy. You have to reparent the child inside you. Parent yourself the way you would your own child whom you love.
Very wise comments ! You can use it to be more mature in your interactions (compared to yourself) and have a peaceful life. Cheers !
As I watch this and read the comments, I just want to ball my eyes out. So many years of repressing and not understanding why I was the target of such "secret" hatred. I am 54 and don't know how to even start this healing process. I hung up on my mother a week ago because of something awful she said to a member of the family about me which was a 100% lie. I don't plan on calling her again yet I feel this weird obligation. I have always felt under her controlling thumb and I hate it.
Steph Tamall This is where therapy can help! Working with someone that can support you in the process of understanding that it was not because of you that your parent did this, it was because of them. A good therapist can help you release what you have repressed and heal yourself in the process. It could be the greatest gist you give to yourself, and you deserve it!
Well, it's been 1 month and 13 days. It's easy to remember because it happened new yr's day. She hasn't called and neither will I . She is holding back, thinking in her warped mind, that I will come to my "senses" and run to her like a victim for more torture. Little she knows that I have been to counseling, read a few books on Narcissistic mothers, and I have her pinned pretty good. The abuse stops now and forever. She has to live without me. I, apparently, always lived without a mother. A real loving mother would not have done to her daughter what she has done to me. I can now compare her to Hitler: cold, cruel, self absorbed liar.
Steph Tamall - Well done. Heal. But never, ever, go back. Love yourself first.
I have endured sexual abuse from my father , emotional and mental abuse, abandonment, sadism and now suicide from my mother, who left everything to my brother and me with nothing .. the levels of cruelty begs belief of motherhood and is the reason I dont have children of my own, at least I managed to escape the sadist husband who crowed over the facts. I have survived . against the odds .. and even cancer, and in time shall also write and create art .. and give thanks and gratitude for the biggest lessons .. I had a good teacher who showed me how not to be C*
+Gematria SoundVision I am so sorry to hear that about your parents. What helps me is meditation and working towards my health, wealth and self respect day by day moving towards a more youthful and happy outlook. Knowing that we were not treated with kindness and respect, but still survived, we must use this to go forwards and find a better way for ourselves. Sending you Peace & Love
If they are still abusive, why even continuing having contacts with them? I actually don't have contacts with my mothers anymore and it's not for lack of trying AND she still is that way...Enough. I'm much more happy now! I took a stand against her crap. I have now true freedom
It seems to me that a narcissist and a sociopath are pretty much the same thing. I can't imagine somebody being one without being the other.
+KnightOwl2006 you're, and most of them are antisocial, too.
You have to leave them and get a new number. Especially if you have children. NO contact works
mine was physically abusive, and tried to get me false arrested, I was literally in shock the PACE program this advice - all of it is sage advice. However if your mother is a sociopath with heavily narc traits, the advice to change your number and leave and cut off all contact is sadly, the most healthy and safe choice for a victim. cannot emphasize that enough
THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR THE ONES WHO WERE ABANDONED AND IGNORED BY THEIR MOTHERS.
It's something that need to be talk more about , it's affecting a lot of people out there.
A conformer can change and become a runner. I used to be a golden child who did everything to fulfil my both parents' needs and satisfaction. But later on in life I really grew tired of their expectation , so I chose to have low almost no contact with them. I even became a rebel before I turned into a runner. Please correct this.
"A conformer can change and become a runner. " THANK YOU! I was really crushed when the author dismissed the 'conformer' as hopeless and unchangeable.
Is there any way I could contact you? I am desperate to get some insight into my 'conformer' partner. and when i say conformer/slave, I mean that if I had not seen the absolute limitless extent of the mothers abuse and her conforming/apoligizing/24hr a day slave behavior to her, i would never ever have beieved that this could really happen to such an extreme.
+BlackLabelSlushie Do you mean the doctor? I think she has a website...search it on google
+BlackLabelSlushie Trust me, this is not true. With help, I grew out of it. Setting boundaries helped me protect myself. But the key to my success is the ability to change my attitudes towards life. I'm an independent woman and very confident in myself. You partner can surely do the same.
Mattana Thengcharoenchai ok thanks.
Have you ever had your parent threaten you with cutting you out of their will or even going off somewhere to die and having their remains cremated without allowing you to know what even happened to them? That just floored me at the time.
Wow unfortunately I can really relate to this. Story of my life. This is exactly what my relationship with my mom has always been like. It's so hard to deal with this type of toxic family dynamics. And I think it's nearly impossible for people who have never been through this to fully understand it. Thank you so much for shedding some light on this subject.
1. stop arguing. ...2. stop trying to prove your point 3. set boundaries and stick with it. 4. like yourself for being you 5. empower yourself. 6. do what you like...click onto making yourself feel better....
i disagree with you but you are entitled to your opinion. ...i like it....
Melina, the way you summed up in a short way is so clear! And giving me a lot of positive energy. 😘 Wish you and all the loving souls a great healing on our life path. So many master teachers if only you want to heal and lots of gratetude for this
Thank you for this comment.... I'm going to write this down as a reminder..
Mom and Dad your phone's are ringing............ NOT by me!
My biological father is definitely a narcissist, but my mom blames me for literally every struggle I’ve had in my life. Sent me packing to another state when I was 18 and so depressed I wasn’t functioning. She kept ignoring me and blaming me for being depressed for years and refuses to take responsibility for the damage done. I’m 35 and I feel so alone and fucked up still. She’s so great to everyone else. Everyone just loves her and I am the jerk always.
I am adopted Sarah, and life was similar to yours,-
ua-cam.com/video/sNlBDItDGXo/v-deo.html
My birth monster is like this. She ruined my life. I picked the biggest losers to stay with because I wasn't used to being treated right so I accepted abusive relationships. I have had nightmares about her up until my 40s. These people are evil.
I totally understand you Broken Doll. My birth monster destroyed my life too, and sent my brother to his grave (indirectly). THEY ARE REALLY EVIL....
Most non-voluntary singles I know had one or the full set of narc parents.
Absolute nonsense....narcissists are actually IN relationships most of the time, because THAT is their game where they get their supply (from their partner, until they discard their partner for the NEXT source of supply).
@@lynette599 Sorry but you completely misread the comment. 14Margott says that people she knew who were single (not by choice) HAD one or both parents who were narcissists. Narcs destroy their children and it affects their relationships, even to the point of the victim not being able form relationships. The hurtful legacy of a narc parent lingers long after you go low/no contact or the parent dies.
The thing i struggled the most for soooo long before final goodbye, was the fact that my mother was doing this the whole time only to me. She was completely different with my younger brother. This killed me and each time when i said' how could you be like this to me and i am good to you and always at your service for everything and anything, and be at the same time that good and amazingly protecting, understanding etc. to him ?'
she said i was jelaous. She likes to keep us apart and she always supported him, appraised him and put him on pedestal even he was terrible to her. It drived me crazy for so long. Oh god.
I can relate to this, my brother was the golden child while I was my narc moms assistant starting from the age of 6. I cut communication with my narc mom in 2008 and it feels so good not to hear her insults anymore, the bad part: she's bad mouthing me to her side of the family. The Best days are ahead for you.
My mother treated my brothers better than she treated my sister and me. We had chores and had to help pay the bills when we started working. If the boys didn't take out the trash, she or I had to do it without complaining. One example is one brother started arguing with my sister on the school bus. When we got home my sister and I were punished and my brother got to go out. It didn't matter I wasn't involved. My mother called us so many names I had no clue what many of her put downs meant until I got older. She called my sister or me a leach, a blood sucker, a matar, selfish, cruel, heartless, etc etc. You get the idea. I was grateful I knew I would never do that to my children after knowing the pain she caused to us.
This sounds like I wrote this !
I just became aware of my narcissistic family this past few days.... FULLY aware, that is, and the part I'm struggling with is that my entire life was a lie... there's a whole other world out there of people who know how to actually love me, and no wonder I have never felt loved or accepted or not judged.... My journey began when I started changing my own life, and I feel like everything I've been doing has been leading up to this. It gives me a lot of hope and strength to know that I'm not alone, and I'm not a crazy, rebellious, effed up loser. Although I will definitely claim the rebellious part because without it I would have settled for this messed up life, lol!
Here comes a healing journey... thank you. A book is probably in my future, too... they have never bothered to read any of my other books, why would they start now, right? ;)
Jen
It hurts to admit,but its a must in order to heal in relationships with others and yourself!
I don't understand how and WHY a child of a narcissistic parent should stay in contact with the parent?
As we know, if a person has a narcissistic disorder, s/he will not change, grow, heal.
So the adult child will become their therapist; their parent, if the adult child will stay in contact with the parent.
The only solution I see is to quit the contact. Not 'only' for the sake of the life of the child, but also for the sake of the life of the narcissistic parent. Clearly they don't feel comfortable in their role either, so the torture will go on on both parts.
Because the narcissistic parent undermined the grown child's sense of self-sufficiency.
Avi Kohl
I hope these (adult) children find the strength and clarity to detach from their narc parents. If a parent has a real NPD there is no way to have any kind of relationship with them If the parent 'just' has some Narc tendencies, there maybe is a chance.
I agree, surely the most healthy thing to do is to remove yourself from their abuse and go no contact. It is an abusive relationship which will probably never change. Best recovery is surely through no relationship. Self-care and self-love!!
emsiewemsieful
Exactly....*))) I am all for healing, but healing sometimes also includes to delegate responsibilities. I delegate their responsibilities to heal themselves to the Narcs. If they wouldn't have anyone to feed from anymore, they would be forced to take a deep look inside.
Symbolsysteme - absolutely they have absolutely no inward introspection whatsoever, which they desperately need...they may be forced to get help
Thank you for this great show. I'm also writing a book (haven't decided on publishing it when it's done) and I'm scared of what my mother would say. I wouldn't write her name and I have a different last name now but if she found out about it she would say that it's all lies and that I'm so mean and so on.
The book is about my grandmother, my mother and I. Three generations and how grandmother's behaviors led to so much pain for several generations. She was an alcoholic and the worst mom. That messed my mom up and my mom messed me and my siblings up. I'm trying to break the cycle now.
My mom always pretended to be the altruistic person, the kind of person who always took care of everyone and people believed it until she lied to them, stole money from them and so on. Then they hated her instead. My mom has stolen money from practically everyone she knows and especially us children and her ex men.
The worst thing though was when my mom lied to her former husband and said that me and my brother (we're the oldest of the siblings) wasn't her children. She said our aunt was our mother and that she just took care of us. My brother overheard this and I think it was then I started to realize she is very sick and won't change.
I was a very kind child and helped my mom a lot but I also questioned things she did and then she always made me feel so shameful. She also threatened sometimes to through me out. I could never be nice enough and I felt like I had to be ashamed for even existing sometimes. We were also poor and that made me feel shameful too. I also hidden my talents for her. I didn't sing when she was at home. When she accidentally heard me she would say I was wonderful but I couldn't trust her because of her other behaviors. I didn't know who she was really.
Long comment but I had to share. Maybe someone has the same experiences.
I have both parents with this. I found out that I have also been drawn to people that are narcissist too. So look around you. May be time to trim the leaves for real..
El Mario Ludo I have both parents like that too and plus my mother was very physical violent and would make people turn against me... she ripped me to pieces in front to keep her image intact... and my sister had ir worst... once you get enlightned about this issue everything in your life is going to change, work, friends you basically become a new person...
aaron bush I`m in the process trying to accept it. I always knew there was something wrong.But it`s really hard to let it go... Feels like evil...
I can't count the amount of times I heard "Why didn't you get 100%?" whenever I came home with a 98%.
Thanks for the upload, I can identify with almost everything.
I was the scapegoat as an only child and my mother ganged up on me with my father and made me the black sheep in my family with her character assassination. Now that she is attempting to do the same thing upon meeting my partner's family, trying to repeatedly segway the conversation to what a difficult child I was and what a struggle it was for her, I am finally resolved to cut ties so I can get on with my life.
All while growing up she would gaslight me and insisted that I was defective and crazy and while she was a wonderful mother who had to suffer the disappointment and hardship. She even once accused me of being an "aggressive psycho" just for nearly bumping into her one morning bleary-eyed without my glasses on, and followed me around the house screaming "You're acting CRAZY!"
She would tell me that I "made people hate me", and when I was suffering severe bullying at school she told me "if everyone hates you, it's probably your fault". Listening to this brings back so many memories, her ruining the night of my school play by pushing her way backstage and screaming at me because the show was boring and it was my fault she had to sit through it, loudly threatening to hit me in front of everyone and reducing me to tears to the point that I couldn't go onstage, then berating me the whole way home for wasting their evening. Sabotaging me in work and school and then telling me that I was going to end up being trailer trash. Mocking my arguments in a sing song baby voice telling me "all you need to do is say okay, that's the only word that ever needs to come out of your mouth."
Sabotaging my friendships, telling people I wasn't worth bothering with and establishing relationships with people I didn't want in my life, even keeping touch with an obsessive abusive ex and giving him info on me. I now realize that they in fact groomed me for abuse.
Now that I've got a good life and job and wanted to show my parents that I was doing well, my mother told me privately that she "was so glad she could finally be proud of me and that I didn't turn out to be a 'throwaway child' after all", and she took the credit for being such a great mother. I can't believe I actually still cared about her approval, but getting it (sort of) was what it took to make me realize I need to turn my back on her.
Threnody Jones me too! Im an only child and my parents always triangulated me (ganged up on me) totally destroyed me and now I'm 45 and trying to put myself together.
I am glad you are doing better. The best revenge is a good life.
Great interview! I've added this video to my Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse Playlist on my UA-cam channel. Thank you for bringing light to the subject of Narcissistic Parents.
Ollie Mathews
Tina's lucky in a way, as some of us have siblings that are the "golden children" so no one in the family understands. At least Tina has a sister who understands and was also subjected to it.
I just want to say, as the golden child, we are not exempt from the abuse. I was so "close" with my narc parent and he would always "praise and adore me," but it was all just another tactic. Narssists don't care about anyone but themselves, even those they "glorify." Believe me, I knew I was the "favorite," but I felt far from golden.
I have heard stories about how some people I guess, said that their parent actually not only ruined their self worth, and their ability to know how to set boundaries, but also messed up their credit, messed with their family as adults (e.g., threatening to report them to authorities when they set boundaries, criticising the child as an adult and as a parent, etc.). Some people have talked about being physically abused too. So, some narcissistic parents can be very difficult or dangerous. It's great if a person can still have some relationship to the narcissistic parent, but some people said they had to cut them off or make a plan to, which is too bad.
Im a rebel that is about to turn into a runner because how do you have a narcissist realize they are one? YOU CANT
well I'll be damned if I don't crack the safe...I'VE HAD ENOUGH
My birthday was 12/19 I called out my mom respectfully mind you. And her reaction was she cancelled all plans with me for my birthday. She said since I felt she was narcissistic mother I can expierence an absentee mother. My response was that's exactly something a narcissist would say... It just really hurt my birthday was a bummer but that's ok I'm glad I stood up for myself.
I had to stop listening. It made me break down because of what they were saying hit too close to home.
Tom Cat It's doing the same to me. All of this is making me remember all those supressed memories of my toxic mother.
Have you ever.. Been able to find closure? Acceptance? Without simply blocking it out and pretending it never happened?
Frost Six No... I recently learned about narcissistic parents and always thought EVERYONE's parents were like this. I just assumed there was something always wrong with me, in fact I still think so. When I started learning about this type of personality, I started to connect the dots.
Right now I'm 26 years old, work a crappy part time job and still live with my parents. The more I think about how my life never blossomed it starts to point right back at my father. He pretty much crippled me mentally in multiple ways that I didn't even realize. Now that I know what it is, I don't know if I'm able or capable to fix the damage that has been done to me over the years.
You on the other hand, I hope you are fairing better and have closure. If not, hopefully you will someday! I wish I could give advice, but as you see, I'm not able to, with my current situation.
Tom Cat I appreciate the quick reply, and I want you to know it was the same for me, I always thought it was like this in every house hold, and when I tried to talk to friends about it they were clueless and unable to help.
I was crippled emotionally and mentally, aswell. My opinion, needs and wants meant nothing. I am 19 and I was lucky enough to be kicked out during my teens because I decided to start standing up for myself.
Regardless, again, thank you for the speedy reply, and thank you for explaining your situation.
I assume you've already come to this conclusion, but you should just push through with no intention of quitting until you've succeeded in getting out of that environment.
Your life *should be better* and if your parents will not help you achieve it, it's something you need done on your own.
I hope you end up on the better end of the rope in the later years.
Frost Six Thanks for the encouragement. I also read really bad outcomes. Some of them being that some people never found closure or release until AFTER their parents died. I hope that won't be my case.
i just realised ive had enough and decided to stop communicating once and for all.. i live in a different country so we communicate mostly on txt and fb, all the abuse and harassment the past few days i can now just laugh it out and ignore unlike before where i would cry, but listening to this made me cry again cos it reminded me of everything and its all so true
Describes my mum perfectly all of this is so accurate....never realised it uhtil s few years ago there is a diagnosis, She is the failure at life so tries to project this belief onto me My mother is childish, selfish self absorbed and makes me feel so guilty going between being the 'golden child and scapegoat' so i treat her like a child, agree with her, distance myself, one of the best things i hsve found is to reflect her behaviour back at her and humour her ..... works for me ... she will be gone from this earth one day and that's what keeps me going,
You wouldn't have any kind of relationship wih a person that treated you this way so why have any kind of relationship with a parent .... i didn't ask to be here or cause her problems just because she is inadequete useless was never loved and has a fragile ego ... that's HER PROBLEM... i'm not going to make it mine ... i wish i had a parent that loved me,.... as have never really felt loved just hurt by most of the women in my life including relationships ... but then I guess the only person who needs to love me is....ME !
a good sense of humor /humour...gets me through she is a joke it's all a big act to boost her ego and self esteem nothing more.. so i just laugh at how pathetic she is
My narrocistic mother told me, when I said I'd successfully been accepted on a nursing course, I wouldn't last 2wks. l lasted. Qualified with distinctions. She never came to my inuguration. My certificate was presented by the actress Glenda Jackson. My mother never gave me a well done. Intially, when I left home to embark on this career, she booked a holiday abroad. I was hundreds of miles from home, other students had their parents present, helping them move. I had no one. She often said I was the biggest disappointment in her life, often intitated rows. All I ever wanted was her affirmation, her praise - it never came. At times, she would do kind things, like knitting me a sweet doll, only then she would tell me I was useless. My father, told me at 15yrs old, to take no notice of her, as she was just jealous. This comment broke my heart. I never understood it or why. When he was dying in 1998 he asked me to promise, I would take care of her. I was taken aback. However, I did. I cared for her through her physical problems and dementia. I constantly wanted her affirmation, her ok. The nicest thing she ever said to me, was I'd beautiful eyes, while I cried at her condition in the care home. She died a year later at the age of 90. I kept my promise to my father and never once showed the contempt she always bestowed to me. if there is an afterlife, I'd like to see my beautiful Father again, only not her x
this is exactly what happened to me-- I did not have any kids cause I was so afraid I would be like my mom. I don't have relationships because of PTSD, I don't know how to heal myself enough to get involved again and risk abuse---- I think my mom was abused also.
gorilla twist there really is no real way to ever heal from PTSD I also have that from same experiences of being abuse my stepfather! I have a life story I'm working on
I don't want to have children because the only thing worse than having a child who is like me would be to have a child that is like my parents.
I think you can get counseling to correct this-- but maybe I am wrong. If I could change my life I somehow would have had my kids-- for me I have 40 more years of nothing to look forward to.
Reiki worked wonders for me in healing from this. It truly is amazing. All energy healing is very helpful to get past all this crap. Good luck to you.
gorilla twist are you saying you regret not having kids?
I’m 32 years old and my narc mother expects me to allow her to abuse me every time we speak. She refuses to take accountability for her nasty behaviour. I’m very frustrated and tired of this crazy woman. I’ve gone NC with the whole family for about 7 months now and I’m happier than ever.
Narcissism Top 10 ways to deal with your Narcissist - ua-cam.com/video/J3womK70af0/v-deo.html
She's dead on. The minute you confront them they either get hyperdefensive and seething or go pathetic. And anyone as adults who WON'T hide the damage they've done will be driven off in very sick, passive aggressive ways and reward those who will lie to themselves and her, FOR her. They have no REAL empathy. Its feigned. And they're always busy on their public profile - meeting and greating - outside the home but behind closed doors you'll see the mask of rage and contempt they have for their kids. Especially the scapegoat, who is always abused alone. The goal posts are always shifting so they can't be pleased. As their offspring become more self identified, independent, and have their own achievements, the less the parent wants them around. They really are the most toxic, emotionally destructive personality. Jekyll & Hydes. Charming to strangers and neighbors, ruthlessly manipulative, cruel, and abusive to kids. They will abuse by proxy as well. Like marrying an abusive man who will handle the physical abuse. They can know is going on and then if it breaks out, they'll feign ignorance.
I can't recommend No Contact enough. Don't look back. Ever. If they've screwed up the dynamics between siblings, the odds it will get better are nil. Not without cutting the parent out EARLY on in young adulthood. The more years go by, the less likely. As they tend to want 100% control of all lines of communication anyway and don't care about the relationships between their adult offspring. They violate personal boundaries. They really never do accept responsibility. Ever. If you refuse to own their behaviour and confront them, they will become enraged and twist it into your victimizing them. Poisonous, unchangeable, and vicious to their core. If there were a way to prevent them from reproducing, I'd vote for the law that stopped it. This is the kind of mother who NEEDS designer clothes and jewelry and attention everywhere, and can know her kid is hurt, homeless, and sick and ignore them. They're incredibly *sick* destructive people to their own children.
im definitely a runner I just cant deal
I truly understand narcissism completely. My mother is one of the most extreme narcissist I've ever seen. She lies, manipulates, controls, gossips, abuses, violates boundaries, tears down, criticizes,and so many more things. She's completely unapologetic. This sound crazy, but when she dies, I will rejoice because she will not be able to lie to God in judgment. She has completely destroyed me and convince others, I'm a terrible person. Now I have a legitimate drinking problem and she uses that to confirm her negative perspective of me and uses that as a justification for her abuse.She doesn't acknowledge that she has contributed to my problems and is one the main catalyst.
+the kendred spirit I feel for you! You are not alone, me and some other people has had similar horrific childhood. I am still impaired because of my parents mental abuse and torturing me.
+Limitless Thank you. I hope you find peace in your life.
+the kendred spirit Thanks, you too.
Went no contact with my narcissist parents and now I just hope I maintain it, because I feel so much better without them!
Tina Fuller, I believe you. You sound like you would tell the truth, I do not believe that you would make any of it up. It is truly malignant these individuals with NPD that seem to be free to meet and marry mates, and make children with them. thank you for exposing this and being strong and standing your ground with the truth. I have witnessed this within more than one family and more than one generation. I vouch for your experience, this really does happen, and it sounds like more often than I had ever known a few years ago now.
My mother and father are NARCISSISTIC PARENTS. Maybe at first only my mom but in the long ran my mother is controlling everybody and my father is helping mom even it is wrong. They are very greedy all they think is for themselves, during my childhood days I already notice something is wrong. My question is why my mother is like this? how did she turn be a NARCISSISTIC PARENTS? please help I really need to know? the damage done to my brothers and sisters are very severe.
Sorry to hear about that. The issue is that narcissistic parents themselves have narcissistic parents and are simply taking out their frustration on to you. Regardless it doesn’t make it ok to punish people around them. I had the same situation as you. Very often they’re smart and know how to win arguments. So they intimidate people around them which might explain why your father enables her. He may not be mentally strong and chooses not to fight but to go along with your mother. Best thing to do is to build yourself up financially and move out. But please do not get provoked by them which will make you become like them. You need to maintain the moral high ground for your own conscience.
Also to add, they very rarely change. So don’t spend your time or energy trying to change them. You can feel sorry for them but it’s better to change yourself and your situation.
My parents are dead now. They were both very narcissistic people. It was HORRIBLE. Mother tells you you're dirty, ugly etc. Father tells you you're lazy, just like your uncle Jim (loser), you'll never amount to anything. When you come home excited about winning the spelling bee, you're told "self praise stinks." They fought with each other constantly. My sister the conformist became the "head narc" after they died. My brother, the youngest and "golden child" was left everything in their will. Getting beyond being raised in such an environment takes a VERY STRONG MINDED individual. I always instinctively knew that things were very wrong in our family dynamic. I left at 18 years old, but was always in constant contact. I continued to try to make things right as I got older, but a year after my son was born, my brother had a son too. That's when it got really sick. They treated my son like crap and began to pit the boys against each other (AS TODDLERS!) So, I went to very restricted contact.
In hind sight, I wish I had been stronger and went no contact at 18. Now I'm 57. Still do counseling every other week. Not so much to deal with childhood issues, but to work on staying mentally and emotionally healthy.
I was told that too, "not smart enough to go to university". What if your like me, and have a Narcisstic Father of the ignoring variety, and a mother is an engulfing narcisstic and bi-polar disorder??? HOW DO I DEAL WITH THAT??
LEAVE THEM BOTH!!!!!!!!!!! PERMANENTLY!!!!!!!! START A NEW LIFE SOMEWHERE HONESTLY WITH GOOD PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!
I'll be honest... I could leave my father no problem, but I'm having a hard time leaving my mother. I did move 1.5 hrs away and usually only talk on the phone - but I have to "advise" myself before I speak with them and decide once I start talking to her, how long I can go for. I'm still coming to terms with that fact I have no real parents, no siblings, no children (found out recently can't have kids), so I'm dealing with a lot of stuff .... I feel better knowing what she is though - I had him figured out for the past 4 years, but I couldn't figure her out. Now I know she has 2 things wrong with her. Thank you for your advice. I DO appreciate it, and it does get easier now that I know what I'm dealing with and somewhat how to deal with it. I would have too much guilt to just let her go. I can't do that right now.. just can't. It doesn't help that I'm a very loyal person.. so I have to fight against my natural disposition on top of it. *sigh* I'm happy for you, that you got out and can share this with the world. I've been sharing a lot about his subject on Facebook hoping that I'll help somebody too. Thank you again - keep in touch if you want. :) PS: I find it difficult to trust people and finding "good" people-- where?? I also wanted to say - I find it better to 'fight' this by having no expectations of them or people. or Judging. If that makes sense. I also wanted to let you know that I am seeking professional help to get advice etc... thank YOU again! :) :)
Jennifer Wolf The more understanding you have the better you will be able to separate yourself and not take what they do so personally. It is a monumental task because we expect our parents to be there for us! Good luck with your journey, I am glad to hear that you are getting some professional support to help you in this process.
Thank you, I appreciate that. ps: Do you know how hard it is to find a psychiatrist here in Canada? I went to one today finally and was told he couldn't see me unless was taking meds, which he didn't believe I needed, because his appointment list was too long.... very, very frustrating. And of course I don't want to go to a "support" group. Thank you again for listening and for actually emailing me back -- that's rare. :) Take care.
flutingaround I would look up your local Psychological Association or Marriage and Family Therapy Associations to find a therapist who specializes in personality disorders or childhood trauma. Ask for a consult and interview them to see if they are a good fit and have tools to help you move forward in your life.
Thank you, both for this video! I have that kind of mother and just got out of a marriage with a psycopath! It has been very important and helpfull to get more knowledge on the subject in order to begin the process of healing a lifetime of abuse.
Thank god!!people are waking up,and words getting out.ollie Mathews has literally saved me when I had no were to turn,my head was screaming at me from 39 years of 3 phychopath narcs,mother covert,I'm so grateful to people like you all for the courage to make a stand thankyou
What a fine book, written out of love. Thank you so much!
From the get go.. I knew my worth. My mother comes from a small town. I was one of 2 kids by 2 diff dad's. So my mom divorced twice by the time my half brother and I were 4. We both had diff last names but always felt whole. We lived w our grandparents til age 7/8. My mother came home one day and announced she was getting married to a man I met one day when he picked her up and one time when he dropped her off(my then dog bit him. As dogs are better at judging character). I was happy for her. I did not think my life would change. I thought she'd get married and go away. My grandparents acted as parents. She then moved us in w this stranger. My life changed for the worse. They had 2 kids and began the discard (while we remained in her house) soon after. They'd call us bastards. My *stepdad* sat us down shortly on and told us that they contemplated giving us up to foster care(not my grandparents ) because they were going to have their own family. I never felt safe from that day on. My mother died last Wednesday. I got a copy of the will and she left me 5% while leaving her other 2 the rest minus my brother's 5%. It was almost comical as I think that was her final act to stick it to me. Probably feared if she didn't leave us a penance.. We might contest it. I feel relieved. No sadness. I can move on and heal and live a fulfillked life and she will never know my value.or worth.
This is all sooo true!
Tina Fuller, OMG, thank you! Ive been watching videos on this topic (which I now understand explains my life...finally; I'm 53) and listening to you has been the most profoundly primal connection. Because you have gone through it, and you have not made it your career but you have been called to share and help set the other birds in a cage free. God love you forever.
thank you so much!!! This helped me more than i can express. Much love
yup this is me and my past family life your expereience and knowledge describes it to a T thank god there are people who are here to explain this insanity and support us who suffered and still suffer and provide our suffocated souls with an outlet to recharge our new inner self and release all the pain im excited for today and the future in finally getting answers and liberation!!!!!
this is SO accurate
Thank you so much for sharing this, Dr. Kim Taylor!
I haven't finished listening to the whole broadcast but the part where Tina mentioned about putting on a persona of her friend to please her mother sounds so familiar. My mother often says to me, "Nobody likes you" or "You make people hate you" for most of my childhood. So I will put on personas of people that I admired - trying to act like them or be like them. But those days are gone....I'm happy being myself. It did take 30 years though to overcome.
+Marlene Lee At least you got there. :-) It took years for them to instill all that damage, so it does take time & effort to remove it. You can heal from this.
I told my mum recently I was gonna write a book about my life so far and that I wasn't leaving out much. As for the norm in my NPD mum, she took it with a blank facial expression. My book will be my first major success in life. Might as well do something great while out of her shadow.
I have everything to thank my mum for the best things in my life. I was blessed to transition to be English at 12. Grandma blessed me by reading the Bible through n through 3 times.TY. No fi.
My mom is very successful career wise and financially doing very well. She does all these financial things for me I've never asked her to she just does it on her own. And then holds it all over my head makes me feel like I'm not capable of taking care of myself she constantly lists the financial things she's done for me or my kids and constantly tells me I'd be on the street with out her I wouldn't be able to take care my children with out her. I think it's just a way for her to maintain control and have more reasons to make me feel like crap.
I think the hardest part for me is going no contact for my mental health and trying to explain it to one of my brothers (not the golden child) only for that brother to side with my mom, because she has brainwashed him for years. I walked away and haven't spoken to anyone in my family for months now. My extended family has stopped talking to me.
Thank you guys so much, I really needed this.
So much Truth I can't count how many times my jaw dropped. Life changing info 💖
Thank you so much!!! This really had help me a lot and I think I Stand out as a Rubble and a runner !!! And my mother and Father can’t stand it .It dose feel so good to be free from it but at times it’s still a little hard but I’m working on myself and my children and getting better each day I have my boundaries build up and I’m sticking to them God bless you guys for this video it most definitely helped and to know we are Not A lone with this 🙏🏾💪🏾🤞🏾👍🏽👌🏾
It was so hard to find a video that said parents in general not just a mother. I'm 18 and just started college, I wanted to live on campus to get space and gain independence and my stepdad said no. I've been living with this for 14 years and I'm really at my breaking point. I've never been a conformer, I'm tired of always hearing people say "just pray everything will be okay" there's a line where you need to take things into your own hands. I'm not a bad person in any way, but he makes me feel like I'm somehow a bad person. I can't hang out with friends when I want, I always have to ask and it's starting to put a strain on my friendships. I feel guilty when I want to do something nice for myself and I don't even ask to do things because I know the answer will be no. I'm at the point where I feel that I need to move out, that there is no way that I'm going to be able to make my own decisions until I'm out of the house but I'm scared to say it. I can feel myself falling back into depression, I've been crying almost everyday. I think others that are lucky enough to not have parents like this don't really understand.
I hope my brothers and sisters can recover and understand what is going on,, but I feel sad damage done to my brothers is very extreme. God bless and Thank you to Dr. Kimberly Taylor for this video.
Narcissistic people are going to always be that way like she said they are unaware of what they are doing so since they are unaware they are not going to change! My mom was very confrontational and those response tips that Dr. Kimberley would only make my mother more angry and hostile and she would see me as being a smart ass. js I think parents like this it's best to cut them out of your life completely . My mother was in and out of Hospitals and went through surgery and her ass still was the freaking same .. U would think being close to death would change her..smh nope :) she wont stop being this way she is until she's dead. smh sad case
***** lol I have soo many stories of being chased but luckily my mother was over weight so I could out run her bc I was smaller . smh she would get soo tired and winded from chasing me that sometimes she would get me in my sleep and I'll wake up in the middle of a butt whooping . smh it's kinda funny but kinda messed up to beat a child in there sleep . lol my mother was insane haha
Only one solution, NO CONTACT
Thank you for this video! Eye opening for me!
I was the route to escape a hellish narc husband; I provided for the counselling n support network for mum. In return , mum had given me the prerogatives for education , social outside connections , rehab , n a future . She set her expectations of me on the level of normality, n equality. Her parents were lovely , GOOD PEOPLE. I was completely capable of thriving on crutches . My brain is / was that of a genius. So was my body that of a beauty; beauty becomes true when it is a spiritual combination of both body n soul. I fought my way up n above , tens of times. My narc f n GC brother never wanted me anything well. My eldest GC brother opened up the discussion of my demise n the NWO shortly after I quit meeting my youth psychologist . Mum betrayed my trust on critical occasions , but I had ppl outside home too. Mum lost the grip on life . She was the victim herself, Unless nothing is expected to be of a person, the qualities n competence to thrive remain unknown n unfounded. As an icing on top of the cake , my ex sought to pawn me for the fact that the other significant daughter is "French" another name for childless due to a lifelong status of hirsutisme . Something I did not know of . The Ams n so many others leave their disabled ppl without any prevalent opportunities of becoming equal citizens where they could be the same as anyone else. We 'd best not generalise since I look forward to a secure TRS. Amen. I love my daughter more than any words can tell. Princess. TY. I go no contact with trouble. Mum's gone since ~ 7.5 years,so may she rest in peace. Gas lighting is ABUSE!
A good one. All so true. Thx. The mother often has to go along with her NH whether she likes it or not , n that is when the dustbin child /GC favorite child steps out to become invisible n very much a lost child. This is very exact about the narc dynamics . I appreciate !!!! God Bless. It was my turn . Our f was a dictator.
everything she is saying is true..
+Paul Bnow You ( me ) ruined my life ( I was 10..?. ) because of you, I can't leave your father..
Great show. Thank you so much for this episode!!!
I've been in therapy and adult child support groups for 10 years. (I'm in my 40s) honestly the best thing I've done for my mental and physical health is go no contact. Going NC is really about finally protecting me, I was not born for to be a sadistic persons slave.
She continually dishonors the office of mother so is not entitled to its benefits. I didn't have a mom, she is the instrument for my existence, my true parent is my higher power.
I no longer spend my time trying to manage and deal with toxic people, I filter them out of my life.
KnowyourLove.I hear you.Same reactions here
Thanks for this... Very enlightening, what i find is ( I'm the adult child of a narc mother) Ive been working on myself for a number of years. I perceive people at times as if they are under a trance. Its like they are robotic. Ive often wondered what this is I'm sensing and experiencing in people close to me. Could it be they are narcissistic?
Yes soulless robots in meat suits
Great interview thank you. I've been looking for a "how to deal" instructions and I'm definitely going to get her book.
Rod Van Mechelen Did you read it? Is it good?
OMG! at 55, I'm becoming enlightened. Thank you.
Narcissism Top 10 ways to deal with your Narcissist - ua-cam.com/video/J3womK70af0/v-deo.html
I had very similar experiences as the guest. Down to the details. Jaw dropping.
Great interview. Thank you for telling us.
Thank you, this was really useful for me. I can't really talk about this with anyone I know but I don't feel so alone now.
I realized I had a narcissistic parent after I married another narcissist. But because I had children before I figured it out. I had to continue living with the damage and do what I could to help my children through their father’s damaging behavior.
I hid everything but my Mom just didn’t show up for anything involving me. I was invisible.
If you have never seen the movie, “Like Water for Chocolate,” it is revealing how one daughter is expected to sacrifice for the Mother. Like she was born to serve her Mother and not entitled to a life!
covert narcissist sons are such cowards! Little Boy Blue (brother) never admits he has lied once again when I confront him about something false gossip he's spreading about me or my sons, mothers don't seem to realize that when mama fights all the boy's battles for him, he'll never learn to grow up and be a man. She tells him he's the perfect man, strong, handsome, hardworking, blah blah blah, and he doesn't have the skills to grow and be a mediocre one.
Stay estranged from your narcissistic parent until you know and they know they have 0 chance of sabotaging your life or undermining your life.
Fathers are just as bad, jus imagine having two narc parents.....I wanna stop listening but need to listen I guess.
I had/have two narcissistic parents. No contact has helped with healing however the empty feeling inside is slow to go away.
Yes, in fact, she is in denial about her father when she says that she "has a wonderful relationship with her father". Her father was an enabler and didn't protect her from the mother. This is how my father was. He played the roll of the victim who was helpless to do anything and denied the abuse. He was just a coward who allowed my mother to abuse me so he didn't have to me the target of her abuse.
DashikiDiva my father is, and my sister is as well. I stood up to my sister and now they have all turned against me even my mother's sister. j~
@@jerickzane that's my dad & sister scapegoat here. Emotionally detach is best for us.
I had a narc step dad & about 3 years ago realized my mother is also a narc. Everything was about her,she expects her children to take care of her & plants seeds of destruction . She is divisive & entitled- she is a user & a perpetual victim . I never had a childhood . I lived in fear of my dad & with sympathy & guilt for my mother - I took care of her without a second thought for a long time. Right now she is homeless, she has options but doesnt like those options - we let her stay with us for 2 weeks & now my husband & I are on the verge of divorce
Thank you so much. This is exactly how I feel about my mother. She is a self centred mean narcissistic bitch. According to her she has no faults and she's perfect. Everything bad happened to me or her is because of my fault, my responsibility. I've tried to make her understand how I feel but she always cuts me. It's all about her feelings and my faults. Never about my accomplishments.
very good interview ladies.
In my childhood as a teenager I was the rebel. my instincts was the best: I kinda did know , it won't make any difference, if I tell my brother or my father, that my mother did use physical violence on me, when she was alone with me. when I turned out 18, I just wanted to go away, so I moved in another region (Runner), but then the real struggle started with myself and with my life. being raised with fake love was so damaging and NO help for my future. I wasn't strong enough so many times when I needed. i had phases, my self estime/worth was like 0.
all these experiences I went through with my Narcisstic mother and (Co narcissist ) my father who's caracter wasn't strong at all, and Golden child my Big brother, made me a what I am today : stronger and happier without my strange mother. having no contact since Jan. 2015.
You are incorrect on your assumption about the Conformer. Indeed, a conformer can see this if they want to. They might have a nervous breakdown when they realise what has been going on, and often may, but if they seriously want to confront the situation, trust me, they will. The reason being that when they discuss the years of abuse with siblings, they will discover that being a conformer did not make them loved or even appreciated, as they had believed. For conformers, there is a hope of awakening. I recommend it highly. The rest of this video is very good. But please never say never. Every child needs a chance to heal from this horror.
Thank you so much for this video
My mother is narcissistic and I still doubt myself as a person. I spent the weekend with her and have suffered from severe depression after she left. She dropped a bombshell on my right before they left to go home. She asked me about my mother in law. I talk very highly of her and my mother told me that my mother in law was bad mouthing me to my sister. I was shocked and really hurt as I thought my mother in law and I got a long well. I know my mom was feeling jealous and wanted to throw a wrench in my relationship with my mother in law. But the bad part is I asked my mother in law about it in a non confrontational way and she immediately denied it and then finally admitted she had. That really hurt me badly and am having a very hard time getting through the feelings I have from both mother and mother in law. I just want to withdraw.
What can I do when my parent doesn't want to come at my birthday, or when they refuse to let me visit my aunt, she punishes me by giving me the 'silent treatment' and tell the others horrible stories about me, the 'dancing monkey's are all against me, throw me off of Facebook not having their own arguement by me and thinking I'm a terrible person while living a normal live. They don't agree with me because I don't own a car and my husband is not able to have a job. (I have)
Im too scared to watch this video after seeing your comment, you just described my mother....
Najma Rockstar :'( :O (You don't have to be scared, it's just audio...)
this is GREAT !!! Thank You so much :)
My solution: Stay out the house as MUCH as possible before you get blamed for everything, there's always a problem and it's always my fault and I fucking hate my mom for that.
Hidan HQ same here
Thank you so much.
I loved this and really needed this🌷
I wonder if there was a miscommunication at about 37 minute mark. Tina said that when she first needed the therapist, the therapist didn't realize 'she' was narcissistic. You said: "Oh, so you actually picked someone who was?" and she didn't catch your question. I think Tina was actually saying that her therapist didn't realize 'she' (Tina's mom) was narcissistic.
The thing is, as you know, therapist will often refraim from diagnosing people they're not even seeing. My experience is that through out the years, many of my counselors and therapists never said out right to me I had a narcissist mother, I had to make that realization on my own. Even if they had told me, it never sink in until it was time to sink in, until it was the time for me to fully understand what that meant.
But now in retrospect, some were hinting at it; one of them told me she didn't split her children that way so she knew and understood that what my mother was doing was splitting which is something narcissists do. And another one would never say anything but, when I figured it on my own, she's never tried to disway me from my finding and she almost seemed please that I finally realized it.
iamlight1 Yes, you are correct. I was saying that the therapist didn't realize that my mother was narcissistic.
Thank you so much for all you've done, Tina. I created a fb support group that now has more than a thousand members. It would be an honor if you ever cared to check it out: facebook.com/groups/733257933390490/
iamlight1 My FB page is Narcissistic Parent Answers.
I tried to like your page & message you, but it was a closed group. It would be wonderful if you could post the link to It's My Turn on your page so that it would hopefully help them to heal. :-) It is available on Amazon worldwide. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me at tinafuller@mac.com.
www.amazon.com/Its-My-Turn-Tina-Fuller/dp/1300653787
Yes, it's a closed group you can join if you like. I have posted a link to your book and it's listed in a recommended book list we have in the group page :)
I'll post the link again.
it would be nice if you are ever interested in joining.
Thanks for posting this interview. I have both narcissistic parents and grandparents. My father was a conformer when he was around his father. My brother is a conformer. I first was a rebel but it didn't help me at all. Then I became a runner and moved to another country. In the end I cut of all contact with my parents for 12 years. Nowadays we do have contact again but we live 2500 km from each other so they don't get much of a hold on me. And I empowered myself in quite a different manner. I just don't care anymore what my parents think. I tell them openly "don't like it?". "You think I care?". They know I don't because I will cut them off again if I like. But they try in sneaky little ways for ex by e-mailing many times a day and criticizing me for not answering them all the time. Then I do but deliberately answer them all kind of things they don't want to hear. They also told me for ex that they will leave my brother a larger inheritance as he has a family. They were shocked when I told them that it was fine with me and as long as we were discussing the matter; if I die first, they will get nothing. I already made a last will years ago stating this. Guess who was hurt at the end of that day? Not me... Either way how it goes, as an adult I just don't put myself in a position they can harm me again. And they know that if it comes to protect myself as an adult, I will not hesitate to hurt their feelings to protect me. But it took me 50 years to come to terms with this and to be strong enough to protect myself. To all of you in the same position as me, remember "It's your turn"...
65denikat , I am glad you enjoyed the interview! It's My Turn is available on Amazon worldwide. If you don't have access to Amazon, let me know what country you are in and I can give you the proper link.
Tina Fuller Tina, I am in Finland, I can get it from Amazon (UK?) but it would be easier for me to order it from the local bookstore (if possible). Or maybe you have another link...
65denikat It isn't in local bookstores. It is available on Lulu.com, but Amazon.uk is probably the cheapest option, unless you buy the kindle/ebook version.
Tina Fuller Thanks Tina, I will order from Amazon.uk. and thanks for answering so quick. I am looking forward to reading your book... Keep up the good work, there are a lot of victims who benefit from you sharing your experiences and road to recovery...
+65denikat :-) If you have any questions, please feel free to email me at tinafuller@mac.com. I also have a facebook page, Narcissistic Parent Answers. This may be helpful for you as well. There are over 16,000 followers. :-) You can message me there as well.
At times I think these scenarios are too simplistic. The narcissistic parent is far more sophisticated than the descriptions given in many of these types of books. The fly way beneath the radar....
SO, SO TRUE!
So true! My mother and sister are covert narcissists. The worst kind.
I hear you. My situation too seems so insidious, so so subtle and covert. Still, the main meat is there and the talks from others who have dealt with forms of the same is very validating, don't you think?
Yes👍
So true!