I had gained weight before meeting my bf. He is extremely fit and even been a personal trainer. I told him i wanted to loose weight and he got a journal and began writing everything he knew. When i came to get the journal to start he stopped me and said " before i give this to you i want you to know i wrote this for you and will supprt you because it is what you want. I love you now and i love you at any size as long as you are healthy. Dont do this for me and if you ever want to stop i support you too". This is now the man i want to marry.
I'm so happy to hear that too. Like .. I hate it us men are bastardized for not wanting an overweight wife but a woman can divorce an overweight man and it's no problem.
Dr. Delony mentions to the caller if he would still lover her if she gained another 40-50lbs...How about, would he have started dating her in the first place if she was in her current weight?
@@maryknight6020 not at all you can absolutely love someone with different opinions than you and it would be impossible to find someone that thinks about everything the same as you! Differences are what make us human and interesting. Its about respecting your partners opinion as valid and hearing their story and thoughts! I think John is saying he needs to listen and be there for his girlfriend instead of trying to convince her that his fitness lifestyle is the best way to live. You can learn from each other and grow closer.
When I go running at this local park, I see a couple with a kid take turns running laps around the track. One stays with their kid for like 30-40 minutes and runs. Then they trade and the other goes for their run.
He can do that all day long but at the end of the day, ya gotta lose the weight. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect to be dating the person you were originally attracted to, or go find someone who can fulfill that.
@@darmy713 You are fighting feelings, emotions, and cancel culture. Facts in 2021 do not go over well for most of the population. You are fighting an uphill battle with personal accountability and responsibility.......just a friendly reminder. Could not agree more.
@@darmy713 but you need to be patient with her. Especially if she is going through something or if she literally just gave birth...otherwise it is better to leave her and find someone else so that she can heal on her own speed if its too much of an issue
if a man wanted to be with a fat woman, he would have chosen one, in the first place. no one wants to be with someone who is unhealthy and unattractive. if you want to keep a relationship, it takes work. sometimes you have to work on your physical body, as well as your mind. no one should be forced to fake being attracted to someone who used to be attractive but chooses to let themselves become fat and not do anything about it.
My ex husband made me feel awful for having a hard time losing weight after our son was born. He then also complained when I took the time to go to the gym to work out. He said what moms go to the gym 4 days a week. Needless to say, we are now divorced, I’m super happy, and I go to the gym 3-4 days a week with no judgment!!!
Massive Weight gain or weight loss are signs of depression, anxiety or some serious mental trauma. That's why you should always approach weight gain or weight loss delicately. If you love them you care for there emotions that are LITERALLY physically manifesting before you.
There are medical issues that cause weight gain. Thyroid tumor and I gained 35 pounds in 2 Months and more after the surgery. Sometimes it is medical conditions
@@carolkingsafer9728So you consume less energy than you expend? If so, you and your thyroid tumor have a million dollars waiting for you at the Nobel Prize Committee in Sweden. Since the origin of the universe, the laws of thermodynamics have always held, until your magical tumor proved them invalid. You have upended the entirety of everything we know about Physics, and you are GUARANTEED the Nobel Prize for this incredible discovery. You will be the most celebrated scientist of this decade, possibly this century. Brilliant!
@@carolkingsafer9728Yeah, my mom's weight gain was due to a cancerous tumor. I am now hyper vigilant about weight gains/losses because it could be cancer.
Benjamin I would disagree re: comparable to divorce. You may mean in terms of emotions, which I totally get. But add kids, a mortgage, incomes, cars, bank acct etc to this and divorce is a disaster man. Breaking up while dating is scary too, but instead of getting a lawyer, your usually off to the gym or something to destress lol
This was the kindest, most diplomatic way I’ve ever heard someone explain how to address drastic weight gain concerns for their loved one, where both accountability and grace were included in the solution.
Your quote of "treat her like a human, not a puzzle that needs to be solved" just made me realize how I am ruining my marriage. I thought it was him ruining things, but it is me.
Ha, I know some who when her fiancé asked for a prenup because his "future" business would be highly successful. She had one of her own. She's a lawyer and in her own prenup she had a clause that his prenup would be null in void if he gained weight or let himself go. Not that she cared, but he wasn't going to be getting off free without putting in work. He's held up to it though. His brewery is very successful. She's an even more successful lawyer now too. 👍
I got sick and my medication made me gain weight. It freaked me out but my husband told me he didn't care. It was the best gift he ever gave me. I gained a lot too...but his compassion just made me love him more.
Meds can be evil. I gained 60 pounds from mine. Went off the meds and lost 40 of those pounds. I just can't lose the last bit. Hubby says I'm fine and thinks I'm still beautiful and sexy.
People don’t realise that they themselves can have medical issues later down the line that make them gain weight. Everybody acts as if they have a guarantee that they will stay the way they are right now. I was one of those people. Thyroid issues changed the way I judge myself & others. Our bodies change throughout our life & situations we’re in. We deserve to be loved & respected at every stage of our life and every stage of our health 🤍 congrats on finding that 🤍
This is a dealbreaker unfortunately. If he isn’t attracted to her physically before even putting a ring on it and BEFORE having kids…he needs to end it.
Personally I think people should stop only finding attraction on looks and focus more on personality and chemistry. Especially if you’ve been in the relationship for years, because we’ll all eventually get old and grey. Our looks will fade but what will stick are the memories and life we created together.
You're projecting your feelings and opinions onto him or you didn't listen to all of this video. He clearly said he doesn't want to leave her, no matter her size.
nope not at all....and should definitely not consider ever marrying her. it won't get better...oftentimes people get more comfortable in marriage and lose the motivation to keep themselves up! exactly what happened to my husband. caused lots of issues!
Good analysis. You can’t negotiator desire. It’s totally natural. Yes, you can expect someone to upkeep their appearance. In traditional gender dynamics, that’s something to expect her to keep up, just like women expect men to keep their income and ambition up.
@@onwednesdayswewearpink2761 That is an individual problem and shouldn't be expected that everyone knows how to deal with every type of social/emotional condition. He is expected to love her and diagnose her emotional eating condition simultaneously!?! 🤔
@@Lady.Luck. yeah but planet fitness is ratchet af and the machines are always broke 😂 At least the one in my hood haha Lifetime fitness is worth it but it’s maybe $70.
I like how he highlighted how much he loved her and he cares about her health as well as her looks. I really hope that they can be healthy together and have a happy family.
This made me so grateful for my husband. I’m not overweight (120lbs) but, like most women, my weight does fluctuate (especially around the holidays). My husband is very into fitness (he’s done 12 full Ironman triathlons). He has never made me feel bad about not being as fit and active as he is. In fact, he goes above and beyond to make me feel secure in our relationship. I’ve had concerns about getting older and becoming less attractive but, when I’ve mentioned wanting to have cosmetic procedures, he just tells me I’m beautiful and that it’s OK with him that we grow old together. I’m so blessed to be with someone who really loves me and who I can count on as a lifetime partner.
This is also like how my husband is! When you have someone that loves you/supports you no matter what you look like, the motivation truly just comes from within yourself to love and take care of yourself as well 🙌🏻
Maybe it's not a matter of good/bad, superficial/deep, or anything but what they value most in a partner. Women have standards they want as well. Everyone does and they're all different.
Honestly, be careful around how you talk to her about her body. My ex made comments after I had our child and I was never able to feel safe to be intimate after that.
@@bellanoble She's lucky she has a boyfriend in the first place that's willing to grow with her. A girl with this kind of lazy attitude is no way to get a mans attention. Don't forget men choose who they want to marry and women do not.
Bella Noble I love how a woman can totally let herself go. Literally the result of unfettered gluttony and binge watching Netflix, then somehow people like you find a way to demonize men for not enabling it. 40 pounds is insane. That sends off all kinds of red flags about her character. Not to mention she clearly doesn’t value her spouse and isn’t concerned with making him happy by bettering herself. Recipe for s horrible marriage. Stop the excuses.
Rachel Sheldon being pregnant is different than totally letting yourself go and expecting your spouse not to call you out. My wife is pregnant right now too actually. This isn’t a physical shallowness thing. It’s a “you literally gained a third of your body weight in nine months from watching Netflix and eating junk food like a lazy teenager” kind of thing.
If you can't be honest with your spouse, you're already in trouble. If your spouse doesn't feel they can be honest with you, you're already in trouble.
there’s some power in when someone comes to you with problems about their significant other saying “leave them”. you see how that just changed everything in his mind. the thought of losing her was so much greater than all the issues he had built up with her.
Yes I have PCOS. I was 100 pounds when we got married and now I’m double and I eat far less and far better and exercise better than ever before but medical problems sometimes persist anyway.
My girlfriend (now my wife) was 50 pounds overweight while we were dating from the start... but as the relationship continued over 2 years i noticed her self esteem was low about it and she just didn’t feel good when she looked into the mirror... so i sat her down and told her i can help her lose weight. It was a HARD conversation to have lol. But eventually she got on the keto diet and we would walk around the park together. She ended up losing all the weight and i swear her self confidence SKYROCKETED. I felt very proud as a boyfriend that i could her help with her self image in a healthy and natural way. Luckily for us she lost the weight literally right before the pandemic happened. This is one of those conversations that’ll test the relationship that’s for sure! Also FYI, weight loss happens in the kitchen.
No way I think so your wife has commented on this video saying exactly what you are from her perspective. Is her name Rosa De Costa? That's what her name was there
That's so nice! I wish I would have approached it that way with my Husband. I think I was a bit too critical. He ended up losing the weight but I'm sure I did not help his self esteem in the process....
I just love how guys are ready to throw in the towel as soon as a woman gains weight. She didn't seem to have a problem when HE gained weight. If you're approaching it from a health angle, that's one thing, but if you expect your significant other to always look like a supermodel, that's just unrealistic. My partner and I have been together for 30 years, and we've both lost and gained weight. Not once did we think about leaving the other because of it. When you love the PERSON, you don't just break up with them because of something that they may not be able to help. Men don't seem to understand the changes a woman's body can go through, or how stress will affect our bodies. Hormone fluctuations, etc. I'm glad that John made this guy understand that he needs to get to the root of the issue and not just criticize her. That rarely ever motivates people to do anything.
Same my bf keeps banging out how I trapped him while thin and now I gained weight and wants me to admit to food addiction like he is a psychologist or something. I mean men are so shallow and very image focus while he gained 30-35kg and got a dermatology issue with his skin and now look very different from when I met him and since we started dating and I love him regardless and would marry him like that too
Honestly? He doesn't even want it for her. He wants it for , as he started to say, the superficial person he can mold her into being. It just doesn't work that way!
@@lacil8895 men do feel the same rejection, about finances primarily. But even down to not being the right weight, or not having a beard etc. men deal with rejection for a lot, I don’t think it’s too much to ask a woman to a little more active.
Jessica, that’s just you talking... that’s your attitude. Everyone is different. If my partner told me I had gained weight it would motivate me. Forgive us for not trusting you.
Well she’s not doing it on her own either LOL. I think you give her an ultimatum and leave if she can’t get her act together. 40 pounds in a year is insane. What a lazy bum with no self control. Not a good sign for wife or mother material.
But he was dying inside with the social taboo of not critiquing a woman on her weight. No man wants to be married to a fat woman. Albiet 40lbs isn't really all that much depending on a woman's bone structure. Keeping fit shows your partner that you respect them AND yourself. I would never hire or marry a fat person. It shows they have no discipline.
My boyfriend (now husband) watched me gain 50 pounds in a year, turned out it was my thyroid not working. He only showed me love and gentle support. I lost the weight and some, only to gain it all back this year. And guess what, he still gives me love and gentle support. He has not said one word about my weight, because he knows that I know and he knows I’ll get it off again. He simply tells me I’m beautiful and asks if I’ll go on a walk with him and help him make salad for dinner. I got lucky!
I think going forward you should bring that up right away and make sure the person has the same views on health before moving forward 👍🏻 save the time and heartache lol
I definitely agree. My father died at age 33 of heart disease (he was obese) leaving my mom to raise 3 kids by herself. There is a lot of trauma that comes from something like that. I don't want to be with someone who is self destructive and doesn't see the big picture when it comes to their health.
If you're with a woman that puts a bit of weight on and you're no longer attracted, you were just barely attracted in the first place. If that's all it takes to start causing thoughts you don't love them save eachother the time and go your separate ways.
Eh, depends on my opinion. What if the nf is more concerned about long term health issues and costs related to that than the actual physical appearance? That's something I'd be concerned about. Also, 40 pounds is not "a bit of weight".
@@WookieSenshi lol future costs? if those would truly be your top concerns then you’d be a sociopath. Just admit you wouldn’t want a fat girlfriend and accept the flak that comes with it.
b.s. - if a man wants to be with a fat woman, he'll choose one in the beginning. no man wants to be with a fat woman who used to be attractive. it's a normal human thing. no amount of excuse-making can change that.
Its a LOT of weight in a short time, If He marries this girl , she quits the "wedding dress" diet, and she puts on baby weight as, well then if he's simply not sexually aroused by fat girls, that's his preference - Not Choice, and shouldn't be shamed for it Equally easy to say , if she can't lose the weight she's only just put on (so its not her usual weight) for the relationship , she's not that attracted to him either.
@@Mastermind111111 I agree. He should punish her by going very far away and never speaking to her again. That would be so "awful" for her. Haha the minute he sees she's glad he's gone he'll start bawling like a baby😭
If we all walked away from each other when we are not our best, when we somehow fall short (which happens to all of us at some point in our lives). Then no one would stay together. ‘We are not a problem to be solved’ thanks for saying that.
Handled brilliantly John! This is such a sensitive subject. Excess food is a symptom of something else that is going on. At least, this is true in my life.
it's been two years since this comment. can't help but wonder if you've fixed that 'something else that is going on' or if you're still making excuses for being fat?
On behalf of women everywhere, THANKYOU! You are a wise man Dr. John! Only wish you'd been around when I was younger and could have "gained" self esteem as a young woman, (who still cared what a man thought of my looks) from your wisdom.
I’ve been married for 25 years, both of us have fluctuated in weight over the years. Life has many ups and downs, kids, stress, depression, medications many things can affect your weight. My husband has only encouraged me whenever I spoke about losing weight and never criticized me. He not perfect and either am I but I’ve always loved him for that because Hello you walk by a mirror everyday so you know when your weight is up, who wants to be with someone who feels the need to point out the obvious.
Exactly. Why would this girl want to marry some idiot who is fixated about appearance? Hate to tell this guy this but she is going to grow old and get wrinkles and have gray hair. She may end up disabled, have cancer etc. I wouldn't trust this dude to be faithful for even 2 years into their marriage. Hope she runs and never looks back.
without a doubt! I know, because i have lived it. if there is an attraction issue from the beginning, it's likely not going to get better with marriage...in fact, it often gets worse and does lead to resentment.
This is very true. Obviously, she’s not a naturally thin person and is prone to putting on weight, like me. Women like us have to try all the time to keep our weight down whereas some women can eat whatever and remain thin. She will struggle with this her whole life, and if the mindset isn’t there, then either it will come on her terms or it won’t. He has to accept or leave.
I went from 145, up to 185 after my daughter, now down to 165 after my second baby. My husband has been supportive, yet held me accountable through it all. He always cared more about my health than anything. I got sick in different ways, and he couldn’t bare to see me that way. With his support, I’ve lost the weight and will continue to try to lose the rest of the weight.
Dr. John is an absolute legend. I spent the first 3 minutes cringing and wondering how he was gonna respond. He’s a genius and his insights have so much wisdom. Blown away - AGAIN.
I agree, if you can’t see yourself even working on trying to accept the other person you need to leave because you’re only hurting yourself and especially the other person. Everyone deserves to be with someone that accepts them 100% inside and out the way they are, and it can’t be forced and that’s okay, as long as you’re honest with yourself and leave if you truly need to.
Weight gain is a temporary thing though. If you see a future with this person then it might be worth it. Think of it this way, if you are madly in love with someone and highly attracted to them, they gain some weight and you no longer are attracted to them. You are still very in love with this person, but you break up with them because of the weight gain, then they lose all the weight, where does that leave you? If you don't love them you should be out the door even before weight gain happens. If it's a long term thing for you and if you're thinking marriage, this is a great way to build up those communication and problem-solving skills necessary for a healthy relationship by properly getting through this temporary issue.
@@greenluxi I agree, but you expect for things to remain the same with them physically and when that changes, so does the way you “look” at them. It’s mind over matter
Victoria That’s why it’s better he just leave. No one wants to work on them selves until a heart break. The problem is she is complacent with the “I’ve got him now, no need to work on myself” mentality.
In my 23yrs of marriage, I appreciate my husband for helping me loose the weight I gained from my health. I went from 260lbs to right now 175lbs. with 15 more pounds to go. My hubby would gently remind me that I was gaining weight, he also joined me in losing weight. He continues to motivate me with being healthy and making sure I continue my health in check.
@@0101qqq sorry, but having a uterus doesn't undo the laws of thermodynamics. Own your undisciplined eating habits. Or would you prefer a PhD in nutrition or kinesiology tell you that? Let me know and I'll get you the contact info for one.
Wrong! Have you not seen the research that weight gain can be due to over eating, hormones, medication and genetics.”Calories in calories out” is out-dated, misinformation. Sure, it works for some, but not all. ,@@razzendahcuben
I am married to a heavier men. His weight fluctuates often. When he lost over 50 pounds I told him I am proud he lost weight for his health. When he gained weight due to covid I still told him he is handsome and I am proud of him. Love every inch of him. I will support him because it is better to accept him for who he is than criticize. My body changes with weight as well due to pandemic as well. I believe it is better to try to be happy instead suffer from body dymorphic disorder. I love my husband we will change with time we just got to move forward together.
I really don’t understand why this is such a tough point. As long as the partner is sensitive and kind about such concerns, in a healthy (mentally) relationship, this should be a safe conversation.
I've gained 40 pounds since I married my husband. He thinks I'm more attractive. You gotta not be so vain! You either love her and accept her. Or break up!
After five years of marriage my husband said he found me more attractive when I was 25 lbs lighter. Perhaps it was because we were intimate at the time but I was so hurt It was the beginning of the end for us.
One of the toughest things I've had to do was deciding leaving my ex fiance. Her newfound tv dinner diet, massive weight gain and 24/7 chain smoking was seriously impacting my own physical and emotional health.
Honestly, if she ever told me a number, i don't remember.. The weight wasn't the main problem. There was obviously some major underlying problems, and the weight gain was just the byproduct of her unhealthy lifestyle. I still don't know what drove her to start living like that, but i had to take myself out of that equation.
@@ThaRedPitbull Good question..For her sake, I sure hope so. She really wasn't a bad person. I think she just had a lot of skeletons that the closet doors couldn't contain anymore. A lot of bad childhood, broken home type stuff and started using those bad habits as an emotional crutch. If i was as wise then, as i am now, I'm fairly confident i could've helped guide her into a better life. But, we were both relatively young (mid 20's) and it was a lot easier for me to just bail. I'm definitely not saying that I wish I could go back and do it again.. But i do wish the best in life for her. As I wish the same for everyone. Life is too short to be miserable.
Thank you for this!!! I am going through a similar thing with my GF, she had some medical issues and has put on 40-50 lbs. She is a wonderful person but it's tough to get over the the physical aspect of things. She hates the way she looks, I know that, I work out 5 days a week but I feel like she makes excuses but she is not me. I put my health ahead of things and she puts us ahead of things. I feel like an idiot because I am not physically attracted to her, I try, but it is tough.
Hey I'll be honest with you I'm someone who was about 350 lb and met my current fiance when I was about 300 I have hypothyroidism and I'm anemic. We dated for a year and then he just proposed but I lost about 150 lb and I still have more to go but look at the approach differently.... I know men are physical beings that's part of how God made you guys but I would look at it in a different way. I lost weight because I knew at the end I wanted to live a longer life and have children and get married again I already had one son and that made me gain weight and it was hard to take it off with an abusive ex..... Talk with her see if she has any desire to eat healthier and go to the gym if not I think you know what to do.
I was 100 lbs when I met my now husband. Weight has fluctuated over the decades and never once did my husband make it an issue. I'm at my heaviest than I've ever been and now starting another round of getting fit. I'm doing it for me. John is spot on with his advice to this guy.
I work out for me. I wouldn't like to be critiqued as much as this guy is doing. But the support would be nice. Like healthy cooking together and working out together.
Right....but there needs to be some physical attraction. She obviously does not care about her appearance unless there is something he is not saying. It’s one thing if it’s stress-related and it definitely needs to be addressed. But if they don’t hold the same values, that’s a deal-breaker for me!! You think a marriage is going to fix that?? 🤷♀️
@@maryknight6020 I told my husband that in the future I would gain weight. 🤣 I told him I work out for me. But he will have to love all my pounds, wrinkles, and gray hair. He said as long as you can get through the door. 🤣😂
He's not critiquing. Being overweight is not something to be proud about. It can cause long term health problems. Some of you women are so one sided it's not even funny any more. She needs to know the truth even when it may be uncomfortable. If you can't take criticism from your partner then you're not mature enough for a relationship. It's one thing if he's flat out being rude and yelling at her. It's another to provide support. It sounds like he only wants the best for her.
I love, love, love this conversation. The power of good and godly male conversation and counsel. And perhaps a good display of how men have a very very hard time understanding women...
The caller sounded like a good guy who really loves his girlfriend. I don't judge him for wanting her to lose weight. He loves her but can't help it if he's not attracted to her anymore. The advice given was compassionate. However, I have a feeling that the only way she'll lose the weight is if the love of her life leaves her. Otherwise, it doesn't sound like it's a priority to her or she's caught in the cycle of the pressure and the stress is setting her up for failure. I hope they made it as a couple, wish there was an update with some of these shows!
I think there’s far more to this story other than the caller’s perspective, and he’s probably not the love of her life if John is having to tell him to disconnect character from weight.
@@jacquelinemarie9655 I have no recollection of what my post was about, so all I can say based on what we both wrote is that if someone is telling a guy to disconnect his girlfriend's character from her weight, then SHE is not the love of HIS life.
A very sad USA we live in. The repercussions of obesity are endless. She is on the road to diabetes, bad back, hypertension, bad knees, etc., etc.......which will require endless time, energy, and money, from somewhere to correct.......probably my tax dollars. SMH.
I don't quite understand the "different values" - he was out eating too earlier and not leading a healthy life either. Now that he has seen the light, she should jump on board immediately? Maybe she goes at her own pace. They aren't fundamentally different. Maybe she has a lot of other stresses/concerns going on at the time (like Covid) and isn't on the bandwagon yet. I don't see how that's a deal breaker
This was a fantastic response. Truly top tier. I love how you rerouted your advice after you told him to leave and he didn’t really didn’t want to. So quick we are told to give up on relationships and to just find someone else but we really need to be willing to compromise and hang in there for the long haul. Loved this
If she is eating appropriately, she could have a thyroid issue. I was a fitness fanatic and when my thyroid went wonky it didnt matter what I did or ate...the weight packed on until I was diagnosed and began taking thyroid replacement.
You are not canceled Dr. D. This was a great way to approach this. I hope he and his girlfriend can figure this out because he sounds like he really cares about her. Even I have learned something from this conversation on how to approach listening. Thank you for the honest approach, love listening to you!!
Love and being attracted to a person are 2 different things..I hate when when people say “ love me as I am “ yes, you can be loved because live of about character/personality/soul…but you won’t be attracted to that person…and when you stay in a relationship with someone you love but are not attracted too..that can lead directly to infidelity
Somehow we have become a nation of people who put too much value on superficial things. I like watching British film because the people look like normal people. Here in the US we are expected to all look like the Kardashian's. It's unrealistic and I think it is wrong. Be careful what you wish for. If you found love, treasure it, don't lose it.
This isn’t superficial though. You are attracted to what you’re attracted to. It’s not natural for the human body to gain excessive weight like this. No one is saying she needs to look like Kim K?
@@JAKEBrakeModel94 what if the women loses the weight, gets married to him, and then gains it back years later? Should he divorce her whenever she reaches a certain weight?
I think the bigger problem is different life goals. If one person has goals to be fit and active as part of their lifestyle and the other has no interest it never ends well.
There was no mention whatsoever of him being a fit, active person at all. I’m starting to think that a lot of you don’t even listen before just saying any irrelevant nonsense.
Absolutely. And it’s not about changing the other person. It’s about deciding if you’ve grown apart. If you’re someone not attracted to larger people you have a right to leave.
I can definitely see both sides of this issue. You should definitely make sure you are both in line with the same priorities before committing to each other. If he won't be happy with her being heavier then it probably won't work out. What's he going to do when she gets pregnant and gains 30 more pounds? As bad as it sounds they should probably part ways, because it sounds like she will never live up to his standards (which he's allowed to have).. I'm sure she can find someone who would love her with the extra weight, and he can find a girl who's just as into fitness as he is.
Yes. I have lived a similar situation...if there are issues now, time and getting married will only intensify them. Values/priorities (compatibility) are very important and should be taken into consideration now....else they are going to run into some major problems later on.
It's not always diet. My wife was doing "everything right" and still couldn't get baby weight off. Testing is worth the money if it tells you why nothing is working.
Testing? I’ve gained a lot of hormone weight and trying to loss it. When I talk to my dr about it they told me it’s probably my age, I finally got her to change my medication and I stoped gaining. I’m very curious what kind of testing do I need to ask for? I can’t get rid of the weight I’ve gained.
See if she has diastasis recti, and if she does then do not let her run, do push ups on the ground, crunches or push ups (anything where her belly is hanging). I worked out with someone post pregnancy for 6 weeks and her stomach didn’t change. I researched and learned about diastasis recti, 4 weeks later her stomach is almost totally flat. Once her diastasis recti is fixed then she can do planks and push ups to really define and tone. Find workouts from doctors of physical therapy for pelvic floor and transverse abdominis. I would almost guarantee that is the problem. Best of luck, mamas deserve to have hot bods.
@@maxinvasionleet for sure if I stop eating I’ll lose weigh 😬 but in all seriousness I eat very healthy and less than my body wants. Unfortunately that’s not the issue. I think it my thyroid, my sister has issues with hers... or another health issue. That’s why I asked about what testing I could get.
Dr John, on behalf of women everywhere and the things we've put up with about our bodies, thank you for answering this question with grace. Thank you for helping a brother learn to be a better brother
@@zubileegluckgluck If someone wants to have a marriage then they sould learn the concept of it. If they truly loved their partner then the love wouldn't disappear because of the physical looks.
@@zubileegluckgluck Oh not forcing has nothing to do with love. She will simply get over him and look for a real man that knows what love is. Why would she waste time with such.
@@zubileegluckgluck Love also is not when feelings for each other disappear based on the looks. That only means all was based on phisical looks and there was nothing more than that. Most of the the people gain weight as they age, they change looks, something might happen for someone to drastically change... True love is blind on the looks and can't disappear. This doesn't mean that people shouldn't take care of their health. Also you said only 6% are obese because of glandular issues... Let me help you calculate it, that's 62 million.
@@zubileegluckgluck you must have missed the part where she said she’s the exact same weight and size she was in the beginning of the relationship. But then again, you aren’t particularly bright (yes, it’s that obvious), so you probably didn’t bother watching the video at all, and just leapt straight into the comments to spew your gross misogyny and idiocy like venom. Insecure, abusive males really do tell on themselves. 🙄
I've been with husband for 22 years. Our weight has fluctuated. We accept each other & love one another no matter what it says on the scale. Don't be shallow
I also think that this crazy year of so much stress also needs to be taken into account here. Not saying 2020 should be an excuse for over eating and not exercising...but this has NOT been a normal year.
True. When my gym closed down, I gained back all of the weight I lost, even while working out outside. It just wasn’t the same intensity. Now that gyms are opened, I’m working out at the intensity I need again to bring it back down.
Funny... I seem to operate in reverse compared to everyone else. This has been one of the most stressful years for me. I've been working overtime, weekends, rotating shifts, sometimes 6-7 days a week this year, haven't seen my friends/family all year, haven't been able to do my usual outdoors stuff and yet I'm in the best physical and mental shape of my life. Same with my boyfriend. He's always been borderline obese for years but this year's been great for his health; he's lost almost 25 pounds this year. The world is definitely odd right now. But I thank UA-cam exercise videos and budget eating.
Sweet Wanderer people will always find excuses for their failures. My wife and I have been the same, 2020 was one of the most productive years of my life.
Be with someone you want to be with, not someone you feel like you need to change. You deserve better and so does she. This is literally the skinniest she will ever be. The older you get, children, life issues- it only gets harder.
Estrogen makes it harder to lose weight. Lower muscle mass in women leads to lower metabolism. Half of the women have pcos, which makes it difficult to lose weight
He paused when asked the question... I don’t think enough people are honest with them self... physical attraction is more important than people want to admit although it is not the most important... weight if not a medical condition can be a sign of emotional problems or lack of discipline for example, if you have had an honest conversation with your partner of what your expectations are and they are not met you cannot change anyone... You might need to move on respectfully, you also need to meet whatever expectations your partner has set for you...just don’t end up cheating on them down the road because you are not attracted to them anymore... I believe that you and your partner should never stop dating each other. GL young man
SPOT ON, people want to say “everyone is beautiful” but attraction is what typically separates us from wanting to get to know someone in that capacity vs another. If that attraction is lost then that is a legit reason to move on. That’s the harsh reality people do not want to accept.
so true...and i am the female in the situation! don't date and definitely don't marry someone you simply aren't attracted to, even if they're a wonderful person. leads to lots of issues down the road. unfortunately, i learned the hard way.
It's not just the physical aspect that changes with dramatic weight gain. It usually comes with emotional problems, unwillingness to go out and do things together, and sometimes a whole personality change. The person you had fallen in love with doesn't exist anymore. It's better to just leave amicably.
It is all about what you eat and when. Eat oatmeal with quark, raisins, nuts and a chopped apple for breakfast. It will fill you up until dinner, 8 hours later where you eat cooked vegetables with proteins and few carbohydrates. Drink a lot of water, tea without sugar. In-between those two meals eat NOTHING! Use your feet/bike to go for shopping, go to work by bike etc (build in physical activity in your daily life) You will quickly loose fat. Its easy and at all times you have the sensation of being filled up and satisfied. Never do any diets, change you nutrition permanently.
Honestly, if he can't get past this and love her overweight then he does need to leave. She has this struggle/issue and he can either accept it or not. But he can't fix it for her.
I guess this is what the USA has come to...."accepting". I don't want a partner that accepts me. I want a partner that pushes me to be the best I can be. Who wants a partner that accepts poor judgement, addiction, and failure? The minimum is to continue to try at least.
@@Eaglejake AMEN Jake! I've reached a point in my life that I no longer have any desire to date/marry/etc., but when I did, that was EXACTLY what I was looking for in a woman. I didn't realize, until recently, that the majority of people are not looking for someone that complements them and helps them be better.
@@Eaglejake I can head what you're saying to a point. We need the partners in our life to encourage us to be better and help us stay motivated. But there is a fine line between accountability and 'parenting' someone. It sounded like this man had started parenting his girlfriend. And maybe acceptance isn't a good word to use in this instance. I would submit that if someone is struggling with their weight, you should love them unconditionally. Unconditional love, doesn't mean that you have to just be ok with an issue, but you will love and show kindness to that person until they tackle the issue. Obviously, what this young lady needs is to apply some discipline to her eating habits. But I would use the approach John talked about hear. Listen to her , ask her what is at the root of the issue. Don't tell her what to do. It will only lead to her feeling undervalued.
@@Eaglejake Jake, loads of overweight or obese men don't want their partner to "push them to be the best they can be" if the guys doesn't want to lose weight for himself. Same goes for women. It's nearly always going to be counterproductive. If two people have different norms and values there's no point in continuing the relationship. Find someone who, without a doubt, wants you to push them to be their best self.
Something I learned about my own weight management, at least as a woman, there could be days you don't lose weight or even gain weight no matter what you do because hormones are involved. And then you wait five days and it's like it was never there. So I guess the lesson I learned is that if you're doing the right things and generally seeing progress, don't get discouraged and give up on those days. Try to be a little understanding of your body and nurture yourself. And to dudes, your weight loss and your lady's weight loss will almost certainly not look the same. It's not just an unfair comparison, it's plain demoralizing because if she is putting in the effort and you poo poo on her results she will either give up or go into a damaging mindset that it's her fault. But it's not her fault because her body doesn't work like yours. Good luck and please be understanding, kind, and encouraging
It is SO much easier for men to lose weight than women. It's cool if your guy is looking out for your health and supports you best he can, and you do the best you can...but cortisol and hormones are such fickle monsters. If weight is a deal breaker in a relationship, that's so sad. But never compare a woman's health progress with a man's. ❤️
funny, it wasn't difficult when i was younger for the vast majority of women to not get fat in their lifetime. now we have people like you, with endless excuses for why women just can't seem to do what most women did, for generations. getting and staying fat is a choice. and no man wants to be with a fat woman who was once a normal, attractive person. it's just reality.
The fattest I have ever been was when I was married to my ex....who criticized my weight! It is not about exercise. For women it can be about her cortisol levels, hormones, secretly eating behind your back because she feels bad. Trust me....do her a favor and leave her now if you cannot love her unconditionally!!!!! I have several friends who are married to guys that criticize their weight and they are miserable!! Wishing you both the best!!
Same...my ex criticized me too much too. I hid food. I went to the gym 3x/week, and he told me I wasn't going enough - that I should be going 2x a day. SERIOUSLY. HE SAID THAT. He wasn't even doing that. He was fairly in shape, but also ate junk food constantly, but would not listen to me when I said that was terrible for his heart health - his family is riddled with heart attacks and strokes! Once we broke up, I stopped doing all that naturally. I wasn't pressured or criticized anymore. I don't even eat dessert anymore, I go to the gym 6x/week. All I wanted was encouragement. I needed a cheerleader, not a coach. I hope the next person I'm with helps me "co-create a future" without being punitive and judgmental. My ex wouldn't even tell me I was beautiful in all five years we were together. My self esteem was shattered.
My first thought was her cortisol is too high, she needs to fix that first and balance her hormones. Her metabolism could be shut down mode and his pressure wouldn't be helping.
He’s gonna be devastated when he learns that she is gonna age and won’t stay exactly like she was at her best. Kids, stress, weight fluctuations, etc etc… good luck to this dude. He’s gonna be forever displeased.
Not necessarily. It is reasonable for him to be concerned about the weight gain now as there has not been any weight loss while she has access to gym etc. Perhaps they do have diff values. Also it may be undiplomatic but he can converse about how he wants 'us' to be healthie and see if she a) agrees and b) is making effort..if her weight.stays or gains.even after.he has offered to help incl workout together, etc he should leave if he finds he is not attracted. On the other hand it is possible that for a different man, some weight gain etc is not as important or big a deal to them or to his attraction
No matter what, extra weight is not healthy for the mind and body. Believe me, I'm trying to get out this heavy weight right now. And it sucks a lot. And if the weight keeps piling she'll set a life for a lot issues down the road.
She'll age much faster and die earlier if shes unhealthy (obese). There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to change their lifestyle to be healthier. It's responsible even. Weight isn't just about looks.
Most of my friends (40-50 years old) didn't gain weight because they live a healthy lifestyle, even after kids. The ones that gained weight do eat unhealthy and too much. And I eat healthy and excercise and I have a partner who does, too. Aging is different than gaining weight, because aging doesn't equal gaining weight and is a natural process. Otherwise 100 years ago as many people would have been overweight. No, it is the food. That is also why some countries have more problem with this than others.
John sugar coated this uncomfortable call. This guy can’t handle an overweight woman. Let her go now or it will ruin both of your lives. She will never be good enough.
You don’t let someone go for gaining weight. Everyone’s weight changes as we age, have children. You either love her or you don’t. That said it’s her health he should be concerned about. Overweight is not healthy. Lose the weight or get medical issues it’s that simple.
@@katemiller7874 until they're married, there is no "for better or worse.. in sickness and in health" promise to stay together. Marriage is more of an all or nothing situation than love is. Definitely they shouldn't get married unless he accepts that she's likely to gain weight to the point of morbid obesity at the rate she's been going at it in less than 1 year. He'd need to accept it to the deepest level where it never becomes an issue ever again even if she's hospitalized with diabetes or heart disease. He'd basically have to accept that the woman's health is fully her responsibility and that nothing he says, pays for, or does will change that. Both of them are likely better off split up. That way, she can live the time she has left without the pressure to do what is in her ability to look, feel, and remain healthy. He can find someone who genuinely prioritizes her health and longevity enough to invest some effort into it, if needed.
@@katemiller7874 If somebody gets fat and refuses to do anything about it, you absolutely let them go if it's important to you. She's not trying and she doesn't care what he wants.
One thing I’ve learned about men is that generally, weight is important to them, about as important as a man’s employment/social status in women. We may not understand them (I know I don’t) and they may not understand us, but it is something to respect. They have the right to ask their partner to maintain what attracted them in the first place. The fact they aren’t married is more concerning since he needs to know what he’s possibly getting into. She didn’t have his kids and she didn’t age into a slower metabolism. It’s all habit.
@@heatherchandler1184 I can understand this if this guy was always fit in his past, but he was pretty overweight himself and she didn't reject him. There are reasons for weight gain and maybe she's working on it but it's a lot easier to gain than lose. This reminds me of couples where one becomes a Crossfit fanatic and now they have nothing in common - well, the Crossfitter is the one who changed and now blames the partner for not keeping up. When I was in the Army, my company commander hassled us so much about keeping in shape, making sarcastic abusive personal comments about our fitness. But then we saw his wife who was obese and he treated her so well. I actually gained a lot of respect for him although others joked about it.
I think he needs to move on. If she doesn't look good to him now, just wait till some years and pregnancies take their toll. Do both of you a favor and prevent your future affair with a young, fit girlie.
There will be rough times in their relationship. If he feels she is being careless, or even reckless, about her weight gain (maybe she’s a stress eater, or has an undiagnosed hypothyroid issue, etc), then he might be projecting future relationship issues, such as overspending money, or conflicts with children) to similar reckless behavior. They need to see a couples therapist to figure out her resistance to living/getting healthier.
This may sound harsh, but it is THE truth in many cases. If this is an issue now, it will only get much worse with time/marriage (and if they have kids down the road). You need to be attracted to/in love with the other person from the start...and have similar values/priorities. Else you are headed for lots of issues...and yes, one (the guy in this particular dynamic) is likely to cheat. Relationships (with marriage intended, esp) need to begin on a strong, healthy foundation...if it's not there now (the compatibility/attraction), the chances it will be- are slim. I know, because i have lived a similar situation.
Something that would help is getting off of Instagram if he has one. It can be really harming to some relationships if they’re comparing themselves to what other couples are doing, maybe he keeps scrolling by those “fitspo” couples and he’s putting that pressure both on himself and his girlfriend. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get fit, but don’t do it because you want to be like some couple on the internet. Another thing too is maybe she’s more comfortable in her skin now? Maybe she was super petite/skinny before and feels a little better about herself being curvier. And if that is the case and he can’t accept her, he needs to move on and let someone else that will love her no matter what love her and accept her as she is.
She gained 40 pounds. That is huge for a woman. Maybe she needs to put down the cake and ice cream and go to the gym. I wonder what would happen if he suddenly decided to start smoking....she wouldn't be calling a talk show asking for advice. She'd be gone.
@@macneoh7418 if you have a super small figure to start with, 40 pounds can look like nothing. And I’m speaking from experience of gaining a total of 52 pounds during my whole pregnancy. I had a super skinny brittle looking body and after the pregnancy it looked slightly more curvy and I myself felt more confident but of course I still worked out to tone it all because it felt right for ME and I have a partner that is accepting of me no matter what I look like, so that acceptance made the motivation come on it’s own within me. This girl has a boyfriend who seems like hes constantly telling her to lose weight which would definitely make her not want to feel motivated and confident to push herself. Also a lot of men out there do not realize it is harder for women to lose weight and takes a lot more time, especially if she has thyroid issues that she doesn’t even know about, or her birth control is causing the weight to stick. There are many factors going into play. And if he’s going to just sit there and judge her body/miss her old body verses trying to get to the root of WHY she’s feeling the way she’s feeling and doing what she’s doing, then he SHOULD leave, because there’s probably someone way better out there and more understanding that definitely deserves her more than he does. And FYI, she can still have her cake and ice cream while still working on herself.
@@yasma5460 I wasn’t even 100 pounds before my first pregnancy and gained about the same amount as you did. It really did make me look a bit more curvy and I loved it!
This guy sounds way too nice. He’s gonna say he needs to change himself but he’s never gonna forget and he’s going to resent looking at her all the time until she changes.
I had gained weight before meeting my bf. He is extremely fit and even been a personal trainer. I told him i wanted to loose weight and he got a journal and began writing everything he knew. When i came to get the journal to start he stopped me and said " before i give this to you i want you to know i wrote this for you and will supprt you because it is what you want. I love you now and i love you at any size as long as you are healthy. Dont do this for me and if you ever want to stop i support you too". This is now the man i want to marry.
😊
not if your obese
Gross
was it motivating though? are you losing weight?
Hell yeah! That's awesome! Definitely marriage material 😉😁❤
“You are dating someone who doesn’t hold the same values as you. “ What a perfect response. That is so true
So....wouldn’t that be a dealbreaker??
I'm so happy to hear that too. Like .. I hate it us men are bastardized for not wanting an overweight wife but a woman can divorce an overweight man and it's no problem.
@@maryknight6020 sounds like he didn't establish that before they started dating. Definitely sounds like a deal breaker
Dr. Delony mentions to the caller if he would still lover her if she gained another 40-50lbs...How about, would he have started dating her in the first place if she was in her current weight?
@@maryknight6020 not at all you can absolutely love someone with different opinions than you and it would be impossible to find someone that thinks about everything the same as you! Differences are what make us human and interesting. Its about respecting your partners opinion as valid and hearing their story and thoughts! I think John is saying he needs to listen and be there for his girlfriend instead of trying to convince her that his fitness lifestyle is the best way to live. You can learn from each other and grow closer.
When I go running at this local park, I see a couple with a kid take turns running laps around the track. One stays with their kid for like 30-40 minutes and runs. Then they trade and the other goes for their run.
“Start treating her like she is a person to love and not a person to solve!” PREACH JON!!
He can do that all day long but at the end of the day, ya gotta lose the weight. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect to be dating the person you were originally attracted to, or go find someone who can fulfill that.
@@darmy713 You are fighting feelings, emotions, and cancel culture. Facts in 2021 do not go over well for most of the population. You are fighting an uphill battle with personal accountability and responsibility.......just a friendly reminder. Could not agree more.
Doesn't solve the problem, not even close.
@@darmy713 but you need to be patient with her. Especially if she is going through something or if she literally just gave birth...otherwise it is better to leave her and find someone else so that she can heal on her own speed if its too much of an issue
if a man wanted to be with a fat woman, he would have chosen one, in the first place. no one wants to be with someone who is unhealthy and unattractive. if you want to keep a relationship, it takes work. sometimes you have to work on your physical body, as well as your mind. no one should be forced to fake being attracted to someone who used to be attractive but chooses to let themselves become fat and not do anything about it.
My ex husband made me feel awful for having a hard time losing weight after our son was born. He then also complained when I took the time to go to the gym to work out. He said what moms go to the gym 4 days a week.
Needless to say, we are now divorced, I’m super happy, and I go to the gym 3-4 days a week with no judgment!!!
You were gross.
or you just realized that dieting takes work and being a parent makes it hard to get to the gym and you don't want to make responsibility for it
Good for you!
Wow, what a smart dude! He wanted you solve the complaints he had via Magic Wand. Too much Hollywood.
What a man! He complained about your weight, then complained about you going to the gym. He was selfish and i am glad you divorced him.
Massive Weight gain or weight loss are signs of depression, anxiety or some serious mental trauma. That's why you should always approach weight gain or weight loss delicately. If you love them you care for there emotions that are LITERALLY physically manifesting before you.
I gained so much weight since I've been w/ him its crazy
Yes very true
There are medical issues that cause weight gain. Thyroid tumor and I gained 35 pounds in 2
Months and more after the surgery. Sometimes it is medical conditions
@@carolkingsafer9728So you consume less energy than you expend? If so, you and your thyroid tumor have a million dollars waiting for you at the Nobel Prize Committee in Sweden. Since the origin of the universe, the laws of thermodynamics have always held, until your magical tumor proved them invalid. You have upended the entirety of everything we know about Physics, and you are GUARANTEED the Nobel Prize for this incredible discovery. You will be the most celebrated scientist of this decade, possibly this century. Brilliant!
@@carolkingsafer9728Yeah, my mom's weight gain was due to a cancerous tumor. I am now hyper vigilant about weight gains/losses because it could be cancer.
You don't lose weight by working out, 80% of weight loss is what you eat.
💯
90%, you're right on the money. You can NEVER out run an unhealthy diet.
exactly. why running a mile on a treadmill and eat a candy bar right after. waste of time
true
and when / how often you eat is even more important. fasting ftw
She's a girlfriend, not a wife. If this is a deal breaker, then break up!
Good point.
Easier said than done. Once feelings are involved breaking up is comparable to divorce
Benjamin I would disagree re: comparable to divorce. You may mean in terms of emotions, which I totally get. But add kids, a mortgage, incomes, cars, bank acct etc to this and divorce is a disaster man. Breaking up while dating is scary too, but instead of getting a lawyer, your usually off to the gym or something to destress lol
@@benjamingreen9540 you ever been divorced? I wouldn’t compare those two. Not at all
@@Jay-om8gr He has no idea.
This was the kindest, most diplomatic way I’ve ever heard someone explain how to address drastic weight gain concerns for their loved one, where both accountability and grace were included in the solution.
Your quote of "treat her like a human, not a puzzle that needs to be solved" just made me realize how I am ruining my marriage. I thought it was him ruining things, but it is me.
Kudos to you for recognizing that, and admitting it on the internet. All the best to you and your husband
If you’re willing to admit that, you can’t be THAT bad haha
@@PrecioustheMovie1 You would have to ask my husband that. Lol. That quote just got me thinking about my whole life and what I have been doing wrong.
That clicked with me as well.
Also when he said "do you want my input or do you just want me to hear you".
Respect
I gained 100 lbs while with my husband. I’ve lost 66 lbs of it and my husband supported my through it all!!!
Keep it going!!!
Was Sex still the same when you were over 100 lbs ?
So did u finally cheat on him ?
@ediblelipscrubs9466 statistically speaking, my question is relevant
@@HiImRheyaNo but if he’s gonna act like she is then she should.
Daaaaamn so good. “You’re assigning your character and discipline to somebody else” me and my husband are going through this now and it’s hard
They should not get married if her gaining weight and looking different is essentially a deal breaker for him.
Ha, I know some who when her fiancé asked for a prenup because his "future" business would be highly successful. She had one of her own. She's a lawyer and in her own prenup she had a clause that his prenup would be null in void if he gained weight or let himself go. Not that she cared, but he wasn't going to be getting off free without putting in work. He's held up to it though. His brewery is very successful. She's an even more successful lawyer now too. 👍
It’s about health choices also. Let’s face it diabetes and heart disease are destructive to living not just asthetics.
Why not, people conflate attraction NOW while you're both young and healthy and weight gain that is natural after time/kids/etc
She should try to take of herself also by not.letting everything go.
He said it wasnt tho
I got sick and my medication made me gain weight. It freaked me out but my husband told me he didn't care. It was the best gift he ever gave me. I gained a lot too...but his compassion just made me love him more.
Meds can be evil. I gained 60 pounds from mine. Went off the meds and lost 40 of those pounds. I just can't lose the last bit. Hubby says I'm fine and thinks I'm still beautiful and sexy.
People don’t realise that they themselves can have medical issues later down the line that make them gain weight. Everybody acts as if they have a guarantee that they will stay the way they are right now. I was one of those people. Thyroid issues changed the way I judge myself & others. Our bodies change throughout our life & situations we’re in. We deserve to be loved & respected at every stage of our life and every stage of our health 🤍 congrats on finding that 🤍
True but if losing weight was achievable just matter of eating less i still can't ask my girlfriend to lose weight nicely?@sem1663
This is a dealbreaker unfortunately. If he isn’t attracted to her physically before even putting a ring on it and BEFORE having kids…he needs to end it.
I agree but really he needs to grow up and love the person more.
@@gutenbirdit's not about loving more but knowing who you are deep down
@@ancientmage2669 yes that is true. It’s actually both.
Absolutely, as she deserves better!
Personally I think people should stop only finding attraction on looks and focus more on personality and chemistry. Especially if you’ve been in the relationship for years, because we’ll all eventually get old and grey. Our looks will fade but what will stick are the memories and life we created together.
"Are you asking for my input here, or do you just want me to hear you?" - fantastic advice!
John is hilarious
"Would you like me to comfort you, or help problem-solve with you?"
Such a powerful question that can completely improve the support between couples!!!
He's embarrassed by her. This isn't going to end well.
You're projecting your feelings and opinions onto him or you didn't listen to all of this video. He clearly said he doesn't want to leave her, no matter her size.
@@chiaraippoliti He’s lying in case she hears.
nope not at all....and should definitely not consider ever marrying her. it won't get better...oftentimes people get more comfortable in marriage and lose the motivation to keep themselves up! exactly what happened to my husband. caused lots of issues!
Good analysis. You can’t negotiator desire. It’s totally natural. Yes, you can expect someone to upkeep their appearance. In traditional gender dynamics, that’s something to expect her to keep up, just like women expect men to keep their income and ambition up.
@@msknich0le Now you're projecting your mating preferences onto him. If that were true, he wouldn't want to marry her.
I had a boyfriend that told me, "if you lost some weight, I'd love you more"
I left...
He's happier with his younger, hotter, tighter, and lighter gf.
I don't see anything wrong with that.
He deserves better
womp womp. you did him a favour, cow
@@samyish exactly. Women really believe they have the upper hand when they look like the pillsbury dough boy.😂😂
“Start treating her like she is a person to be with, and a person to love, and not a puzzle to solve.” Wow. That hit me.
the girl needs to deal with emotional eating...But this guy doesnt understand how to be in a relationship. Girl GO
@@onwednesdayswewearpink2761 That is an individual problem and shouldn't be expected that everyone knows how to deal with every type of social/emotional condition. He is expected to love her and diagnose her emotional eating condition simultaneously!?! 🤔
What about 50-80lbs? @@lio-o97
@@lio-o97what if you got sick and that made you gain weight?
@@aa-xy4hgwhat sickness makes you gain weight?
$135 a month for a gym?? They better offer massage and free drinks in the locker room
Crazy. You can pay $10 a month for planet fitness
They probably do .....lifetime is around that price and the place is like a resort lol
Lady Luck 25 for the massages and stuff. Crazy
Probably the personal trainer package
@@Lady.Luck. yeah but planet fitness is ratchet af and the machines are always broke 😂 At least the one in my hood haha Lifetime fitness is worth it but it’s maybe $70.
I like how he highlighted how much he loved her and he cares about her health as well as her looks. I really hope that they can be healthy together and have a happy family.
This made me so grateful for my husband. I’m not overweight (120lbs) but, like most women, my weight does fluctuate (especially around the holidays). My husband is very into fitness (he’s done 12 full Ironman triathlons). He has never made me feel bad about not being as fit and active as he is. In fact, he goes above and beyond to make me feel secure in our relationship. I’ve had concerns about getting older and becoming less attractive but, when I’ve mentioned wanting to have cosmetic procedures, he just tells me I’m beautiful and that it’s OK with him that we grow old together. I’m so blessed to be with someone who really loves me and who I can count on as a lifetime partner.
I agree I have a husband like this too.. the fact that he doesn't criticize me makes me want to try even harder
This is also like how my husband is! When you have someone that loves you/supports you no matter what you look like, the motivation truly just comes from within yourself to love and take care of yourself as well 🙌🏻
A man should make a woman feel secure in their relationship
@@Jane5720 - If he truly loves his wife/girlfriend, he will.
Maybe it's not a matter of good/bad, superficial/deep, or anything but what they value most in a partner. Women have standards they want as well. Everyone does and they're all different.
Honestly, be careful around how you talk to her about her body. My ex made comments after I had our child and I was never able to feel safe to be intimate after that.
@@bellanoble She's lucky she has a boyfriend in the first place that's willing to grow with her. A girl with this kind of lazy attitude is no way to get a mans attention. Don't forget men choose who they want to marry and women do not.
I am so sorry that happened to you...I can't believe that men actually have the nerve to speak on a woman's body after child birth!
Bella Noble I love how a woman can totally let herself go. Literally the result of unfettered gluttony and binge watching Netflix, then somehow people like you find a way to demonize men for not enabling it. 40 pounds is insane. That sends off all kinds of red flags about her character. Not to mention she clearly doesn’t value her spouse and isn’t concerned with making him happy by bettering herself. Recipe for s horrible marriage. Stop the excuses.
Rachel Sheldon being pregnant is different than totally letting yourself go and expecting your spouse not to call you out. My wife is pregnant right now too actually. This isn’t a physical shallowness thing. It’s a “you literally gained a third of your body weight in nine months from watching Netflix and eating junk food like a lazy teenager” kind of thing.
If you can't be honest with your spouse, you're already in trouble.
If your spouse doesn't feel they can be honest with you, you're already in trouble.
there’s some power in when someone comes to you with problems about their significant other saying “leave them”. you see how that just changed everything in his mind. the thought of losing her was so much greater than all the issues he had built up with her.
Birth control, kids and menopause. All difficult for women's weight.
Excuses and lack of personal accountability are the real difficulty for most women.
If she has PCOS, also. Most men probably couldn’t even tell you what that is without looking it up.
Yes I have PCOS. I was 100 pounds when we got married and now I’m double and I eat far less and far better and exercise better than ever before but medical problems sometimes persist anyway.
Also giving yourself enough time between children to recharge and reset your body. Having babies so closely together can be tough on the body.
Birth control has me in the same situation. The weight packs on by itself and is so hard to lose
My girlfriend (now my wife) was 50 pounds overweight while we were dating from the start... but as the relationship continued over 2 years i noticed her self esteem was low about it and she just didn’t feel good when she looked into the mirror... so i sat her down and told her i can help her lose weight. It was a HARD conversation to have lol. But eventually she got on the keto diet and we would walk around the park together. She ended up losing all the weight and i swear her self confidence SKYROCKETED. I felt very proud as a boyfriend that i could her help with her self image in a healthy and natural way. Luckily for us she lost the weight literally right before the pandemic happened. This is one of those conversations that’ll test the relationship that’s for sure!
Also FYI, weight loss happens in the kitchen.
No way I think so your wife has commented on this video saying exactly what you are from her perspective. Is her name Rosa De Costa? That's what her name was there
You’re a lucky man.
That's so nice! I wish I would have approached it that way with my Husband. I think I was a bit too critical. He ended up losing the weight but I'm sure I did not help his self esteem in the process....
Aww you both sound like a catch
Y’all must don’t have any kids?
I just love how guys are ready to throw in the towel as soon as a woman gains weight. She didn't seem to have a problem when HE gained weight. If you're approaching it from a health angle, that's one thing, but if you expect your significant other to always look like a supermodel, that's just unrealistic. My partner and I have been together for 30 years, and we've both lost and gained weight. Not once did we think about leaving the other because of it. When you love the PERSON, you don't just break up with them because of something that they may not be able to help. Men don't seem to understand the changes a woman's body can go through, or how stress will affect our bodies. Hormone fluctuations, etc. I'm glad that John made this guy understand that he needs to get to the root of the issue and not just criticize her. That rarely ever motivates people to do anything.
Thank you well said!
This is love.
Same my bf keeps banging out how I trapped him while thin and now I gained weight and wants me to admit to food addiction like he is a psychologist or something. I mean men are so shallow and very image focus while he gained 30-35kg and got a dermatology issue with his skin and now look very different from when I met him and since we started dating and I love him regardless and would marry him like that too
@@mollymo6229why would you marry someone like that? Someone who says you trapped them by looking different?
@@mollymo6229I gained some weight because of BC and my bf is absolutely in love with every part of me. I hope your future husband loves you for you.
He wants it for her, but she has to want it for herself.
Honestly? He doesn't even want it for her. He wants it for , as he started to say, the superficial person he can mold her into being. It just doesn't work that way!
@@CompGeekDE BS. He doesn't want a overweight woman. That's his right. She doesn't have to be a Barbie.
He wants her to be someone different than her and is not satisfied before marriage. After marriage...here hold my communion cup
He should just leave her, women do it all the time
@@lacil8895 men do feel the same rejection, about finances primarily. But even down to not being the right weight, or not having a beard etc. men deal with rejection for a lot, I don’t think it’s too much to ask a woman to a little more active.
Trust me, she knows she has gained weight and your input will not help but make her angry and less motivated to lose weight.
Idk i had gained 20 pounds at one point and didnt realize it until someone took a picture with me
Jessica, that’s just you talking... that’s your attitude. Everyone is different. If my partner told me I had gained weight it would motivate me. Forgive us for not trusting you.
Well she’s not doing it on her own either LOL. I think you give her an ultimatum and leave if she can’t get her act together. 40 pounds in a year is insane. What a lazy bum with no self control. Not a good sign for wife or mother material.
Everyday Bodybuilding your a piece and of work!
Grow up!
@@nancyberard6928 Nancy 40 lbs??? Do you know how heavy 40lbs is?
This is honestly great advice while acknowledging his feelings.
I have gained Bout 40 pounds since my wedding day. I was self conscious untill I asked my husband and he just said. " I love YOU. " end of discussion.
But he was dying inside with the social taboo of not critiquing a woman on her weight. No man wants to be married to a fat woman. Albiet 40lbs isn't really all that much depending on a woman's bone structure. Keeping fit shows your partner that you respect them AND yourself. I would never hire or marry a fat person. It shows they have no discipline.
True. A relationship which can be broken just because of weight gain wasn't a really deep bond in the first place. You can be proud of your husband.
My boyfriend (now husband) watched me gain 50 pounds in a year, turned out it was my thyroid not working. He only showed me love and gentle support. I lost the weight and some, only to gain it all back this year. And guess what, he still gives me love and gentle support. He has not said one word about my weight, because he knows that I know and he knows I’ll get it off again. He simply tells me I’m beautiful and asks if I’ll go on a walk with him and help him make salad for dinner. I got lucky!
Wow what a wonderful man.
@@larissagonzales6075 Hmm... More like doing the bare minimum as a spouse? This should be expected of every husband.
@@riittasutinen2970 Ikr like how every wife should be there husband when they need it and show him love unconditionally. Wow Shocker!
@@riittasutinen2970 can you just let her appreciate her husband?
How did you allow yourself to put it all on back? Did you get pregnant? You're way too complacent if not
This is so hard. I’ve had to stop dating people who don’t care about their health as much as I do because it bothers me so so so so much.
I think going forward you should bring that up right away and make sure the person has the same views on health before moving forward 👍🏻 save the time and heartache lol
I definitely agree. My father died at age 33 of heart disease (he was obese) leaving my mom to raise 3 kids by herself. There is a lot of trauma that comes from something like that. I don't want to be with someone who is self destructive and doesn't see the big picture when it comes to their health.
If you're with a woman that puts a bit of weight on and you're no longer attracted, you were just barely attracted in the first place. If that's all it takes to start causing thoughts you don't love them save eachother the time and go your separate ways.
Eh, depends on my opinion. What if the nf is more concerned about long term health issues and costs related to that than the actual physical appearance? That's something I'd be concerned about. Also, 40 pounds is not "a bit of weight".
@@WookieSenshi lol future costs? if those would truly be your top concerns then you’d be a sociopath. Just admit you wouldn’t want a fat girlfriend and accept the flak that comes with it.
b.s. - if a man wants to be with a fat woman, he'll choose one in the beginning. no man wants to be with a fat woman who used to be attractive. it's a normal human thing. no amount of excuse-making can change that.
Its a LOT of weight in a short time,
If He marries this girl , she quits the "wedding dress" diet, and she puts on baby weight as, well then if he's simply not sexually aroused by fat girls, that's his preference - Not Choice, and shouldn't be shamed for it
Equally easy to say , if she can't lose the weight she's only just put on (so its not her usual weight) for the relationship , she's not that attracted to him either.
40 and still gaining is not a lil
Please advise him not to marry her. She doesn't need years of feeling like she's not good enough which is exactly what is about to happen. SMH
Agreed
100%
So true. This is where I’m at. So broken
He doesn't need a fat woman
@@Mastermind111111 I agree. He should punish her by going very far away and never speaking to her again. That would be so "awful" for her. Haha the minute he sees she's glad he's gone he'll start bawling like a baby😭
He's not criticising her weight, he's criticising her mindset
If we all walked away from each other when we are not our best, when we somehow fall short (which happens to all of us at some point in our lives). Then no one would stay together.
‘We are not a problem to be solved’ thanks for saying that.
Handled brilliantly John! This is such a sensitive subject. Excess food is a symptom of something else that is going on. At least, this is true in my life.
it's been two years since this comment. can't help but wonder if you've fixed that 'something else that is going on' or if you're still making excuses for being fat?
On behalf of women everywhere, THANKYOU! You are a wise man Dr. John! Only wish you'd been around when I was younger and could have "gained" self esteem as a young woman, (who still cared what a man thought of my looks) from your wisdom.
I’ve been married for 25 years, both of us have fluctuated in weight over the years. Life has many ups and downs, kids, stress, depression, medications many things can affect your weight. My husband has only encouraged me whenever I spoke about losing weight and never criticized me. He not perfect and either am I but I’ve always loved him for that because Hello you walk by a mirror everyday so you know when your weight is up, who wants to be with someone who feels the need to point out the obvious.
exactly. I want someone who will be there if I God forbid get cancer not some superficial a hole!
Exactly. Why would this girl want to marry some idiot who is fixated about appearance? Hate to tell this guy this but she is going to grow old and get wrinkles and have gray hair. She may end up disabled, have cancer etc. I wouldn't trust this dude to be faithful for even 2 years into their marriage. Hope she runs and never looks back.
they arent married
@@ravenzrozze I'm very sorry for you, are you feeling any better now?
He either leaves her or accepts her. If he ends up marrying her without accepting her he’s setting up a resentment road for divorce.
without a doubt! I know, because i have lived it. if there is an attraction issue from the beginning, it's likely not going to get better with marriage...in fact, it often gets worse and does lead to resentment.
This is very true. Obviously, she’s not a naturally thin person and is prone to putting on weight, like me. Women like us have to try all the time to keep our weight down whereas some women can eat whatever and remain thin. She will struggle with this her whole life, and if the mindset isn’t there, then either it will come on her terms or it won’t. He has to accept or leave.
I went from 145, up to 185 after my daughter, now down to 165 after my second baby. My husband has been supportive, yet held me accountable through it all. He always cared more about my health than anything. I got sick in different ways, and he couldn’t bare to see me that way. With his support, I’ve lost the weight and will continue to try to lose the rest of the weight.
Dr. John is an absolute legend. I spent the first 3 minutes cringing and wondering how he was gonna respond. He’s a genius and his insights have so much wisdom. Blown away - AGAIN.
if you’re not attracted to your partner just leave, no reason to fake something that isn’t there!
Having that issue right now, but I feel bad for leaving for stupid reasons. I have preferences that I can’t get over so easily
I agree, if you can’t see yourself even working on trying to accept the other person you need to leave because you’re only hurting yourself and especially the other person. Everyone deserves to be with someone that accepts them 100% inside and out the way they are, and it can’t be forced and that’s okay, as long as you’re honest with yourself and leave if you truly need to.
Weight gain is a temporary thing though. If you see a future with this person then it might be worth it. Think of it this way, if you are madly in love with someone and highly attracted to them, they gain some weight and you no longer are attracted to them. You are still very in love with this person, but you break up with them because of the weight gain, then they lose all the weight, where does that leave you? If you don't love them you should be out the door even before weight gain happens. If it's a long term thing for you and if you're thinking marriage, this is a great way to build up those communication and problem-solving skills necessary for a healthy relationship by properly getting through this temporary issue.
@@greenluxi I agree, but you expect for things to remain the same with them physically and when that changes, so does the way you “look” at them. It’s mind over matter
Victoria That’s why it’s better he just leave. No one wants to work on them selves until a heart break. The problem is she is complacent with the “I’ve got him now, no need to work on myself” mentality.
In my 23yrs of marriage, I appreciate my husband for helping me loose the weight I gained from my health. I went from 260lbs to right now 175lbs. with 15 more pounds to go. My hubby would gently remind me that I was gaining weight, he also joined me in losing weight. He continues to motivate me with being healthy and making sure I continue my health in check.
Awesome!!! How'd you do it?
I went on the pill and gained 30 pounds. It was hormonal. It’s not always lifestyle.
I think thats a pretty clear indicator that the pill is bad for women. Maybe we shouldn't be on it 💁
Keep telling yourself that.
Weight gain is "calories in, calories out". The pill doesn't undo the laws of thermodynamics.
@@0101qqq sorry, but having a uterus doesn't undo the laws of thermodynamics. Own your undisciplined eating habits. Or would you prefer a PhD in nutrition or kinesiology tell you that? Let me know and I'll get you the contact info for one.
Wrong! Have you not seen the research that weight gain can be due to over eating, hormones, medication and genetics.”Calories in calories out” is out-dated, misinformation. Sure, it works for some, but not all. ,@@razzendahcuben
@@razzendahcuben do your research. Progesterone and estrogen levels affect hunger hormones and therefore, appetite.
I am married to a heavier men. His weight fluctuates often. When he lost over 50 pounds I told him I am proud he lost weight for his health. When he gained weight due to covid I still told him he is handsome and I am proud of him. Love every inch of him. I will support him because it is better to accept him for who he is than criticize. My body changes with weight as well due to pandemic as well. I believe it is better to try to be happy instead suffer from body dymorphic disorder. I love my husband we will change with time we just got to move forward together.
I really don’t understand why this is such a tough point. As long as the partner is sensitive and kind about such concerns, in a healthy (mentally) relationship, this should be a safe conversation.
Are you serious cause women are children thats why
I've gained 40 pounds since I married my husband. He thinks I'm more attractive. You gotta not be so vain! You either love her and accept her. Or break up!
After five years of marriage my husband said he found me more attractive when I was 25 lbs lighter. Perhaps it was because we were intimate at the time but I was so hurt It was the beginning of the end for us.
This is the sweetest man to explain this. Exactly … something is going on deeper than gaining weight
If you are dating someone who thinks and constantly tells you that you can learn to like something knowing you don't , leave ASAP!
I would consider staying, they may be trying to help you
@@Marcobroomar I actually agree with you except when they ask you to like something toxic
One of the toughest things I've had to do was deciding leaving my ex fiance. Her newfound tv dinner diet, massive weight gain and 24/7 chain smoking was seriously impacting my own physical and emotional health.
How much did she weight at her peak?
Honestly, if she ever told me a number, i don't remember.. The weight wasn't the main problem. There was obviously some major underlying problems, and the weight gain was just the byproduct of her unhealthy lifestyle. I still don't know what drove her to start living like that, but i had to take myself out of that equation.
@@Eyore82 It sounds like she just didn't give a f**k anymore. Did she ever bounce back after you stopped talking to her?
@@ThaRedPitbull Good question..For her sake, I sure hope so. She really wasn't a bad person. I think she just had a lot of skeletons that the closet doors couldn't contain anymore. A lot of bad childhood, broken home type stuff and started using those bad habits as an emotional crutch.
If i was as wise then, as i am now, I'm fairly confident i could've helped guide her into a better life. But, we were both relatively young (mid 20's) and it was a lot easier for me to just bail.
I'm definitely not saying that I wish I could go back and do it again.. But i do wish the best in life for her. As I wish the same for everyone. Life is too short to be miserable.
Why did you choose to date a smoker?
Thank you for this!!! I am going through a similar thing with my GF, she had some medical issues and has put on 40-50 lbs. She is a wonderful person but it's tough to get over the the physical aspect of things. She hates the way she looks, I know that, I work out 5 days a week but I feel like she makes excuses but she is not me. I put my health ahead of things and she puts us ahead of things. I feel like an idiot because I am not physically attracted to her, I try, but it is tough.
Hey I'll be honest with you I'm someone who was about 350 lb and met my current fiance when I was about 300 I have hypothyroidism and I'm anemic. We dated for a year and then he just proposed but I lost about 150 lb and I still have more to go but look at the approach differently.... I know men are physical beings that's part of how God made you guys but I would look at it in a different way. I lost weight because I knew at the end I wanted to live a longer life and have children and get married again I already had one son and that made me gain weight and it was hard to take it off with an abusive ex..... Talk with her see if she has any desire to eat healthier and go to the gym if not I think you know what to do.
Be honest and leave her. Let her find a guy that will be attracted to her when she’s fat. She deserves that not your disgust.
THIS made me cry... Dr. John Delony you are such a sweetheart
I was 100 lbs when I met my now husband. Weight has fluctuated over the decades and never once did my husband make it an issue. I'm at my heaviest than I've ever been and now starting another round of getting fit. I'm doing it for me.
John is spot on with his advice to this guy.
lol no you do thing for your partner especially if it’s unhealthy this is just what society that’s collapsing will tell you…
How much did it fluctuate because you were very small to begin with, most likely
Dr.John, great response. I agree with the advice given.
MANY people gained weight in "stay at home covid 2020".
I am sure many of us are stuck in leggings or sweat pants till dressing rooms open up to figure out what pants size we are again.
Get outside foo!
Yes.
I work out for me. I wouldn't like to be critiqued as much as this guy is doing. But the support would be nice. Like healthy cooking together and working out together.
Right....but there needs to be some physical attraction. She obviously does not care about her appearance unless there is something he is not saying. It’s one thing if it’s stress-related and it definitely needs to be addressed. But if they don’t hold the same values, that’s a deal-breaker for me!! You think a marriage is going to fix that?? 🤷♀️
@@maryknight6020 I told my husband that in the future I would gain weight. 🤣
I told him I work out for me.
But he will have to love all my pounds, wrinkles, and gray hair.
He said as long as you can get through the door. 🤣😂
He's not critiquing. Being overweight is not something to be proud about. It can cause long term health problems. Some of you women are so one sided it's not even funny any more. She needs to know the truth even when it may be uncomfortable. If you can't take criticism from your partner then you're not mature enough for a relationship. It's one thing if he's flat out being rude and yelling at her. It's another to provide support. It sounds like he only wants the best for her.
@@sarrahconley3143 Btw age is no excuse for not going to the gym. I have a co worker who is 56 and married. She looks great for her age.
@@ryanj357 BTW you're assuming. I go every week. He's critiquing.
I love, love, love this conversation. The power of good and godly male conversation and counsel.
And perhaps a good display of how men have a very very hard time understanding women...
There are so many factors to what affects weight, especially in women. This mindset is so limiting
You can’t out-train a bad diet.
Very true! Weight loss happens in the kitchen.
You can, depends on your body type, genetics, and metabolism.
@@JoeGarofaloII Agreed. And from what the guy said she isn't trying to workout or eat healthier.
Definitely not working out 9 times in 3 months 🤣
Yep!!! Weight loss happens in the kitchen.
The caller sounded like a good guy who really loves his girlfriend. I don't judge him for wanting her to lose weight. He loves her but can't help it if he's not attracted to her anymore. The advice given was compassionate. However, I have a feeling that the only way she'll lose the weight is if the love of her life leaves her. Otherwise, it doesn't sound like it's a priority to her or she's caught in the cycle of the pressure and the stress is setting her up for failure. I hope they made it as a couple, wish there was an update with some of these shows!
I think there’s far more to this story other than the caller’s perspective, and he’s probably not the love of her life if John is having to tell him to disconnect character from weight.
@@jacquelinemarie9655 I have no recollection of what my post was about, so all I can say based on what we both wrote is that if someone is telling a guy to disconnect his girlfriend's character from her weight, then SHE is not the love of HIS life.
“Cancel culture. If I say the wrong thing, I am done forever.” That is truly sad because you’re talking about something so trivial.
A very sad USA we live in. The repercussions of obesity are endless. She is on the road to diabetes, bad back, hypertension, bad knees, etc., etc.......which will require endless time, energy, and money, from somewhere to correct.......probably my tax dollars. SMH.
Moral of the story: It's okay to have different values and it's OK to leave because of them!
I don't quite understand the "different values" - he was out eating too earlier and not leading a healthy life either. Now that he has seen the light, she should jump on board immediately? Maybe she goes at her own pace. They aren't fundamentally different. Maybe she has a lot of other stresses/concerns going on at the time (like Covid) and isn't on the bandwagon yet. I don't see how that's a deal breaker
This was a fantastic response. Truly top tier. I love how you rerouted your advice after you told him to leave and he didn’t really didn’t want to. So quick we are told to give up on relationships and to just find someone else but we really need to be willing to compromise and hang in there for the long haul. Loved this
If she is eating appropriately, she could have a thyroid issue. I was a fitness fanatic and when my thyroid went wonky it didnt matter what I did or ate...the weight packed on until I was diagnosed and began taking thyroid replacement.
There can be so many underlying issues. Thyroid, pcos,
Or maybe she just is not motivated
A medical problem should be ruled out.
Most of the time (99% of cases) it’s not a thyroid issue. She’s just a glutton.
@@AkireMaru99% of statistics are made up on the spot.
You are not canceled Dr. D. This was a great way to approach this. I hope he and his girlfriend can figure this out because he sounds like he really cares about her. Even I have learned something from this conversation on how to approach listening. Thank you for the honest approach, love listening to you!!
Hé woulda been had hé told the guy hes a pos
Love and being attracted to a person are 2 different things..I hate when when people say “ love me as I am “ yes, you can be loved because live of about character/personality/soul…but you won’t be attracted to that person…and when you stay in a relationship with someone you love but are not attracted too..that can lead directly to infidelity
Somehow we have become a nation of people who put too much value on superficial things. I like watching British film because the people look like normal people. Here in the US we are expected to all look like the Kardashian's. It's unrealistic and I think it is wrong. Be careful what you wish for. If you found love, treasure it, don't lose it.
I grew up on a ton of British tv and still find it difficult to enjoy some TV here in the USA. I get it!
This isn’t superficial though. You are attracted to what you’re attracted to. It’s not natural for the human body to gain excessive weight like this. No one is saying she needs to look like Kim K?
@@JAKEBrakeModel94 what if the women loses the weight, gets married to him, and then gains it back years later? Should he divorce her whenever she reaches a certain weight?
THANK YOU!! I truly wish everyone could see this and change our culture.
It's not all about being superficial though. It's about health.
I think the bigger problem is different life goals. If one person has goals to be fit and active as part of their lifestyle and the other has no interest it never ends well.
Yes, but we tend to disregard the red flags during the dating process.
Unless the one person is happy to do active things alone! I’ve seen that. Not often, but I’ve seen it.
There was no mention whatsoever of him being a fit, active person at all. I’m starting to think that a lot of you don’t even listen before just saying any irrelevant nonsense.
Absolutely. And it’s not about changing the other person. It’s about deciding if you’ve grown apart. If you’re someone not attracted to larger people you have a right to leave.
Bullshit. this guy is not a fitness freak or a triathlete - he just wants to make sure his wife does not get too fat.
If he's no longer attracted to her he needs to be honest. There's nothing wrong with that at all. It's just life.
I can definitely see both sides of this issue. You should definitely make sure you are both in line with the same priorities before committing to each other. If he won't be happy with her being heavier then it probably won't work out. What's he going to do when she gets pregnant and gains 30 more pounds? As bad as it sounds they should probably part ways, because it sounds like she will never live up to his standards (which he's allowed to have).. I'm sure she can find someone who would love her with the extra weight, and he can find a girl who's just as into fitness as he is.
Yes. I have lived a similar situation...if there are issues now, time and getting married will only intensify them. Values/priorities (compatibility) are very important and should be taken into consideration now....else they are going to run into some major problems later on.
It's not always diet. My wife was doing "everything right" and still couldn't get baby weight off. Testing is worth the money if it tells you why nothing is working.
Testing? I’ve gained a lot of hormone weight and trying to loss it. When I talk to my dr about it they told me it’s probably my age, I finally got her to change my medication and I stoped gaining. I’m very curious what kind of testing do I need to ask for? I can’t get rid of the weight I’ve gained.
See if she has diastasis recti, and if she does then do not let her run, do push ups on the ground, crunches or push ups (anything where her belly is hanging). I worked out with someone post pregnancy for 6 weeks and her stomach didn’t change. I researched and learned about diastasis recti, 4 weeks later her stomach is almost totally flat. Once her diastasis recti is fixed then she can do planks and push ups to really define and tone. Find workouts from doctors of physical therapy for pelvic floor and transverse abdominis. I would almost guarantee that is the problem. Best of luck, mamas deserve to have hot bods.
Yes it IS diet. I dont care what disease you have. If you eat less calories than your maintenance you WILL lose weight.
@@meganzambo2403 stop eating and watch how the scale drops.. your eating to much still, that's why you cant lose weight
@@maxinvasionleet for sure if I stop eating I’ll lose weigh 😬 but in all seriousness I eat very healthy and less than my body wants. Unfortunately that’s not the issue. I think it my thyroid, my sister has issues with hers... or another health issue. That’s why I asked about what testing I could get.
This lady needs to run. Accept her as she is or set her free.
Dr John, on behalf of women everywhere and the things we've put up with about our bodies, thank you for answering this question with grace. Thank you for helping a brother learn to be a better brother
Lol
@@zubileegluckgluck If someone wants to have a marriage then they sould learn the concept of it. If they truly loved their partner then the love wouldn't disappear because of the physical looks.
@@zubileegluckgluck Oh not forcing has nothing to do with love. She will simply get over him and look for a real man that knows what love is.
Why would she waste time with such.
@@zubileegluckgluck Love also is not when feelings for each other disappear based on the looks. That only means all was based on phisical looks and there was nothing more than that. Most of the the people gain weight as they age, they change looks, something might happen for someone to drastically change... True love is blind on the looks and can't disappear.
This doesn't mean that people shouldn't take care of their health.
Also you said only 6% are obese because of glandular issues... Let me help you calculate it, that's 62 million.
@@zubileegluckgluck you must have missed the part where she said she’s the exact same weight and size she was in the beginning of the relationship. But then again, you aren’t particularly bright (yes, it’s that obvious), so you probably didn’t bother watching the video at all, and just leapt straight into the comments to spew your gross misogyny and idiocy like venom. Insecure, abusive males really do tell on themselves. 🙄
“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” --Thomas a Kempis
I've never seen this quote before. It's awesome
Awesome quote! Thanks for sharing. I believe we should always give others the same grace that we give ourselves.
He wrote the Imitation of Christ. Lots of wise stuff in that book. Just good advice on how to live your best life.
I've been with husband for 22 years. Our weight has fluctuated. We accept each other & love one another no matter what it says on the scale. Don't be shallow
I also think that this crazy year of so much stress also needs to be taken into account here. Not saying 2020 should be an excuse for over eating and not exercising...but this has NOT been a normal year.
True. When my gym closed down, I gained back all of the weight I lost, even while working out outside. It just wasn’t the same intensity. Now that gyms are opened, I’m working out at the intensity I need again to bring it back down.
Preach!
Funny... I seem to operate in reverse compared to everyone else. This has been one of the most stressful years for me. I've been working overtime, weekends, rotating shifts, sometimes 6-7 days a week this year, haven't seen my friends/family all year, haven't been able to do my usual outdoors stuff and yet I'm in the best physical and mental shape of my life. Same with my boyfriend. He's always been borderline obese for years but this year's been great for his health; he's lost almost 25 pounds this year. The world is definitely odd right now. But I thank UA-cam exercise videos and budget eating.
No it has not been. I gained 20 pounds this year because of it. Never gained so much weight in a year ever in my life.
Sweet Wanderer people will always find excuses for their failures. My wife and I have been the same, 2020 was one of the most productive years of my life.
Be with someone you want to be with, not someone you feel like you need to change. You deserve better and so does she. This is literally the skinniest she will ever be. The older you get, children, life issues- it only gets harder.
AGREED. If it's a problem now....it will only worsen with time/marriage and kids!
Sounds great. What if you are an ugly guy making average money, average height? I’ve only had the big ones look my way.
No, it's called put in effort to lose weight everybody can gain or lose weight.
@@natemekis3959you’re gonna have to become less average in a category you can control. Most likely $
Jon, you SOOOOO get this. Partners need to LOVE each other or leave not force control people into being what you want. ❤
the weight issue is much harder for women socially and physically . there's lots more scrutiny and pressure on them than us dudes.
A shid
Because the only thing of value they have is their beauty
bingo.
@@maxinvasionleet If that's your view of women you are a pig. I'm no feminist but the only value is their beauty? Really? Get yourself a therapist.
Estrogen makes it harder to lose weight. Lower muscle mass in women leads to lower metabolism. Half of the women have pcos, which makes it difficult to lose weight
He paused when asked the question... I don’t think enough people are honest with them self...
physical attraction is more important than people want to admit although it is not the most important... weight if not a medical condition can be a sign of emotional problems or lack of discipline for example, if you have had an honest conversation with your partner of what your expectations are and they are not met you cannot change anyone...
You might need to move on respectfully, you also need to meet whatever expectations your partner has set for you...just don’t end up cheating on them down the road because you are not attracted to them anymore... I believe that you and your partner should never stop dating each other.
GL young man
SPOT ON, people want to say “everyone is beautiful” but attraction is what typically separates us from wanting to get to know someone in that capacity vs another. If that attraction is lost then that is a legit reason to move on. That’s the harsh reality people do not want to accept.
so true...and i am the female in the situation! don't date and definitely don't marry someone you simply aren't attracted to, even if they're a wonderful person. leads to lots of issues down the road. unfortunately, i learned the hard way.
Yes physical attraction is very important and it’s subjective.
It's not just the physical aspect that changes with dramatic weight gain. It usually comes with emotional problems, unwillingness to go out and do things together, and sometimes a whole personality change. The person you had fallen in love with doesn't exist anymore. It's better to just leave amicably.
It is all about what you eat and when. Eat oatmeal with quark, raisins, nuts and a chopped apple for breakfast. It will fill you up until dinner, 8 hours later where you eat cooked vegetables with proteins and few carbohydrates. Drink a lot of water, tea without sugar. In-between those two meals eat NOTHING! Use your feet/bike to go for shopping, go to work by bike etc (build in physical activity in your daily life) You will quickly loose fat. Its easy and at all times you have the sensation of being filled up and satisfied. Never do any diets, change you nutrition permanently.
Honestly, if he can't get past this and love her overweight then he does need to leave. She has this struggle/issue and he can either accept it or not. But he can't fix it for her.
Over simplification
I guess this is what the USA has come to...."accepting". I don't want a partner that accepts me. I want a partner that pushes me to be the best I can be. Who wants a partner that accepts poor judgement, addiction, and failure? The minimum is to continue to try at least.
@@Eaglejake AMEN Jake! I've reached a point in my life that I no longer have any desire to date/marry/etc., but when I did, that was EXACTLY what I was looking for in a woman. I didn't realize, until recently, that the majority of people are not looking for someone that complements them and helps them be better.
@@Eaglejake I can head what you're saying to a point. We need the partners in our life to encourage us to be better and help us stay motivated. But there is a fine line between accountability and 'parenting' someone. It sounded like this man had started parenting his girlfriend. And maybe acceptance isn't a good word to use in this instance. I would submit that if someone is struggling with their weight, you should love them unconditionally. Unconditional love, doesn't mean that you have to just be ok with an issue, but you will love and show kindness to that person until they tackle the issue. Obviously, what this young lady needs is to apply some discipline to her eating habits. But I would use the approach John talked about hear. Listen to her , ask her what is at the root of the issue. Don't tell her what to do. It will only lead to her feeling undervalued.
@@Eaglejake Jake, loads of overweight or obese men don't want their partner to "push them to be the best they can be" if the guys doesn't want to lose weight for himself. Same goes for women. It's nearly always going to be counterproductive.
If two people have different norms and values there's no point in continuing the relationship. Find someone who, without a doubt, wants you to push them to be their best self.
Did she get birth control after you got together? That can definitely make her gain weight uncontrollably
Yup
if only they knew what we put our bodies through for them :(
@@amhomestead3437 for who?
@@amhomestead3437 That works both ways.
They're not married. Why should they have a need for that?
Something I learned about my own weight management, at least as a woman, there could be days you don't lose weight or even gain weight no matter what you do because hormones are involved. And then you wait five days and it's like it was never there. So I guess the lesson I learned is that if you're doing the right things and generally seeing progress, don't get discouraged and give up on those days. Try to be a little understanding of your body and nurture yourself. And to dudes, your weight loss and your lady's weight loss will almost certainly not look the same. It's not just an unfair comparison, it's plain demoralizing because if she is putting in the effort and you poo poo on her results she will either give up or go into a damaging mindset that it's her fault. But it's not her fault because her body doesn't work like yours. Good luck and please be understanding, kind, and encouraging
It is SO much easier for men to lose weight than women. It's cool if your guy is looking out for your health and supports you best he can, and you do the best you can...but cortisol and hormones are such fickle monsters. If weight is a deal breaker in a relationship, that's so sad. But never compare a woman's health progress with a man's. ❤️
funny, it wasn't difficult when i was younger for the vast majority of women to not get fat in their lifetime. now we have people like you, with endless excuses for why women just can't seem to do what most women did, for generations. getting and staying fat is a choice. and no man wants to be with a fat woman who was once a normal, attractive person. it's just reality.
You shouldn't have to constantly be on a diet to ensure your partner stays in the marriage.
The fattest I have ever been was when I was married to my ex....who criticized my weight! It is not about exercise. For women it can be about her cortisol levels, hormones, secretly eating behind your back because she feels bad. Trust me....do her a favor and leave her now if you cannot love her unconditionally!!!!! I have several friends who are married to guys that criticize their weight and they are miserable!!
Wishing you both the best!!
That’s exactly the thing
Same...my ex criticized me too much too. I hid food. I went to the gym 3x/week, and he told me I wasn't going enough - that I should be going 2x a day. SERIOUSLY. HE SAID THAT. He wasn't even doing that. He was fairly in shape, but also ate junk food constantly, but would not listen to me when I said that was terrible for his heart health - his family is riddled with heart attacks and strokes!
Once we broke up, I stopped doing all that naturally. I wasn't pressured or criticized anymore. I don't even eat dessert anymore, I go to the gym 6x/week. All I wanted was encouragement. I needed a cheerleader, not a coach. I hope the next person I'm with helps me "co-create a future" without being punitive and judgmental. My ex wouldn't even tell me I was beautiful in all five years we were together. My self esteem was shattered.
My first thought was her cortisol is too high, she needs to fix that first and balance her hormones. Her metabolism could be shut down mode and his pressure wouldn't be helping.
Personally, I have PCOS and had to get on medication... sometimes it’s not just working out as a woman
He’s gonna be devastated when he learns that she is gonna age and won’t stay exactly like she was at her best. Kids, stress, weight fluctuations, etc etc… good luck to this dude. He’s gonna be forever displeased.
Not necessarily. It is reasonable for him to be concerned about the weight gain now as there has not been any weight loss while she has access to gym etc. Perhaps they do have diff values. Also it may be undiplomatic but he can converse about how he wants 'us' to be healthie and see if she a) agrees and b) is making effort..if her weight.stays or gains.even after.he has offered to help incl workout together, etc he should leave if he finds he is not attracted. On the other hand it is possible that for a different man, some weight gain etc is not as important or big a deal to them or to his attraction
No matter what, extra weight is not healthy for the mind and body. Believe me, I'm trying to get out this heavy weight right now. And it sucks a lot. And if the weight keeps piling she'll set a life for a lot issues down the road.
She'll age much faster and die earlier if shes unhealthy (obese). There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to change their lifestyle to be healthier. It's responsible even. Weight isn't just about looks.
Most of my friends (40-50 years old) didn't gain weight because they live a healthy lifestyle, even after kids. The ones that gained weight do eat unhealthy and too much. And I eat healthy and excercise and I have a partner who does, too. Aging is different than gaining weight, because aging doesn't equal gaining weight and is a natural process. Otherwise 100 years ago as many people would have been overweight. No, it is the food. That is also why some countries have more problem with this than others.
John sugar coated this uncomfortable call. This guy can’t handle an overweight woman. Let her go now or it will ruin both of your lives. She will never be good enough.
You don’t let someone go for gaining weight. Everyone’s weight changes as we age, have children. You either love her or you don’t. That said it’s her health he should be concerned about. Overweight is not healthy. Lose the weight or get medical issues it’s that simple.
@@katemiller7874 until they're married, there is no "for better or worse.. in sickness and in health" promise to stay together. Marriage is more of an all or nothing situation than love is. Definitely they shouldn't get married unless he accepts that she's likely to gain weight to the point of morbid obesity at the rate she's been going at it in less than 1 year. He'd need to accept it to the deepest level where it never becomes an issue ever again even if she's hospitalized with diabetes or heart disease. He'd basically have to accept that the woman's health is fully her responsibility and that nothing he says, pays for, or does will change that. Both of them are likely better off split up. That way, she can live the time she has left without the pressure to do what is in her ability to look, feel, and remain healthy. He can find someone who genuinely prioritizes her health and longevity enough to invest some effort into it, if needed.
@@katemiller7874 If somebody gets fat and refuses to do anything about it, you absolutely let them go if it's important to you. She's not trying and she doesn't care what he wants.
One thing I’ve learned about men is that generally, weight is important to them, about as important as a man’s employment/social status in women. We may not understand them (I know I don’t) and they may not understand us, but it is something to respect. They have the right to ask their partner to maintain what attracted them in the first place. The fact they aren’t married is more concerning since he needs to know what he’s possibly getting into. She didn’t have his kids and she didn’t age into a slower metabolism. It’s all habit.
@@heatherchandler1184 I can understand this if this guy was always fit in his past, but he was pretty overweight himself and she didn't reject him. There are reasons for weight gain and maybe she's working on it but it's a lot easier to gain than lose. This reminds me of couples where one becomes a Crossfit fanatic and now they have nothing in common - well, the Crossfitter is the one who changed and now blames the partner for not keeping up. When I was in the Army, my company commander hassled us so much about keeping in shape, making sarcastic abusive personal comments about our fitness. But then we saw his wife who was obese and he treated her so well. I actually gained a lot of respect for him although others joked about it.
Wow Doc! You killed this advice out of the park! Nice 👍
I appreciate him for thinking highly of those who call in. 💛
I think he needs to move on. If she doesn't look good to him now, just wait till some years and pregnancies take their toll. Do both of you a favor and prevent your future affair with a young, fit girlie.
That sounds harsh, but true.
He said he still wants to be with her and is still beautiful, no matter her size.
There will be rough times in their relationship. If he feels she is being careless, or even reckless, about her weight gain (maybe she’s a stress eater, or has an undiagnosed hypothyroid issue, etc), then he might be projecting future relationship issues, such as overspending money, or conflicts with children) to similar reckless behavior. They need to see a couples therapist to figure out her resistance to living/getting healthier.
@@chiaraippoliti He’s calling into a show for help, though. Saying one thing but doing another.
This may sound harsh, but it is THE truth in many cases. If this is an issue now, it will only get much worse with time/marriage (and if they have kids down the road).
You need to be attracted to/in love with the other person from the start...and have similar values/priorities. Else you are headed for lots of issues...and yes, one (the guy in this particular dynamic) is likely to cheat. Relationships (with marriage intended, esp) need to begin on a strong, healthy foundation...if it's not there now (the compatibility/attraction), the chances it will be- are slim. I know, because i have lived a similar situation.
You have the best and most crystal clear sound system! Live your show and all the Great work you are doing.
Wow! I am impressed by this advice and by how much this guy cares about his girl 👏 👏 👏
I hope they made it. ❤
This subject is so touchy. You did a great job. And I love he had the courage to call and ask this question.
For weak minded women it probably is a touchy subject
Something that would help is getting off of Instagram if he has one. It can be really harming to some relationships if they’re comparing themselves to what other couples are doing, maybe he keeps scrolling by those “fitspo” couples and he’s putting that pressure both on himself and his girlfriend. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get fit, but don’t do it because you want to be like some couple on the internet.
Another thing too is maybe she’s more comfortable in her skin now? Maybe she was super petite/skinny before and feels a little better about herself being curvier. And if that is the case and he can’t accept her, he needs to move on and let someone else that will love her no matter what love her and accept her as she is.
She gained 40 pounds. That is huge for a woman. Maybe she needs to put down the cake and ice cream and go to the gym. I wonder what would happen if he suddenly decided to start smoking....she wouldn't be calling a talk show asking for advice. She'd be gone.
@@macneoh7418 if you have a super small figure to start with, 40 pounds can look like nothing. And I’m speaking from experience of gaining a total of 52 pounds during my whole pregnancy. I had a super skinny brittle looking body and after the pregnancy it looked slightly more curvy and I myself felt more confident but of course I still worked out to tone it all because it felt right for ME and I have a partner that is accepting of me no matter what I look like, so that acceptance made the motivation come on it’s own within me. This girl has a boyfriend who seems like hes constantly telling her to lose weight which would definitely make her not want to feel motivated and confident to push herself. Also a lot of men out there do not realize it is harder for women to lose weight and takes a lot more time, especially if she has thyroid issues that she doesn’t even know about, or her birth control is causing the weight to stick. There are many factors going into play. And if he’s going to just sit there and judge her body/miss her old body verses trying to get to the root of WHY she’s feeling the way she’s feeling and doing what she’s doing, then he SHOULD leave, because there’s probably someone way better out there and more understanding that definitely deserves her more than he does.
And FYI, she can still have her cake and ice cream while still working on herself.
@@yasma5460 I wasn’t even 100 pounds before my first pregnancy and gained about the same amount as you did. It really did make me look a bit more curvy and I loved it!
This guy sounds way too nice. He’s gonna say he needs to change himself but he’s never gonna forget and he’s going to resent looking at her all the time until she changes.
“Steven you leave.” That hit deep....
He's going to have to leave. You really can't change people.
@@nolisto1 yeah it depends on how big of a deal breaker it is for him... but if he’s calling in for advice I thinks he’s underplaying it for sure
She doesn't deserve that anyway. I hope she leaves