My Husband’s Weight Gain Is Affecting Our Sex Life
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- Опубліковано 12 бер 2023
- My Husband’s Weight Gain Is Affecting Our Sex Life
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A couple of men have called into this show complaining about the wife’s gaining weight and I’m glad to see John handled this the same way and isn’t biased against men
To a degree but if a man had emailed in making jokes about his wife's body
"She's fat, looks like Michelin man" John would have been very very stern to call out how cruel that is. And here he kinda just said
"Maybe don't call him that"
In other words he did point out the same principle issue of where she has erred But I believe it was on far more gently than it would have been done the other way around
@@random-nz7dy and then apologized for it for 4 minutes
*Wives, plural
As usual John is wrong here too.... obesity in marriage is grounds for divorce as they don't give a F$&% about their partner.
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I think John is too hard on both men and women who call in because their spouse has had a massive weight gain. It's more than reasonable for a person to no longer be physically attracted to someone that they love and it's an act of love to be honest with your spouse to give them an opportunity to fix it. People are allowed to have physical preferences, it's not that serious. In fact, I would venture and say that it's an act of dishonor to your spouse to completely let yourself go. I understand sometimes problem can be depressed etc but typically people get comfortable in a relationship and gain weight then get depressed afterwards because they don't like who they have become.
It is extremely rare for people to genuinely admit mistakes publicly, I really appreciated this intro! Excellent example Dr.!
I don't even see the mistake...
I just listened to the call and I’m trying to figure out why he felt like he had to apologize? The call was a good one!!
I understand the wife's concerns over his weight. Men have the same concerns about their wives or lovers. Maintaining a healthy life is important. A few pounds never bothered me, but there's a limit to what I will accept. They both need to work on the reasons why he is depressed and help try and get him to a healthier lifestyle. He's possibly going through something. If you love him, try and help him get help.
Woman change too, after marriage, children, jobs, health...it happens. Recognizing where you are and what you want , is so important. It's easy to get consumed in earning a living to have things that are not important. We should always come first.
@@Emy53 But the fact is when you marry someone, you vow to stick with 'em through thick and thin (no pun intended) ....and you can't change someone, you have to be able to provide a loving and nurturing environment where one would want to change themselves. This wife is berating and belittling her husband, if my spouse did that, I'd be constantly in a defensive mode and it wouldn't allow me to take a look at myself let alone want to change.
There is a right and a wrong way to go about things :)
My husband used to compete in pageants in college. He was hot. Then we got married, gotten older, had busier workloads and he gained weight (as did I). Hence, we signed up ti the gym and I actually take time planning our meals, making sure he still enjoys our food but that he remains healthy. Marriage and love is seeing your spouse in different stages of his life and choosing to love him regardless.
How much weight did he gain?
💯 ❤
You're hot, don't let him gaslight you
@@AnonymousGameWarden thank you? I dont see it as gaslighting at all. I had suitors before him so I am honestly confident in that area. My point is, we all age and lose our physical attributes but the whole point of marriage is seeing the beauty in our spouse while still encouraging them to be at their best.
@@maylynbayani no need to thank me. Thank God for spending a little more time on you.
Respect you did what you needed to do. When men call women fat we get scolded. You actually scolded a woman for making fun of her overweight husband. Good stuff brother keep it real no double standard.
EXACTLY! No apology was needed. Had a husband said the exact same thing he would be accosted by John and the womanists in the comments.
I totally agree.
Yeah JD missed on this one
@@FrankS111 that was my thought.
John even joked at the beginning that his show was done, because he was about to be cornered into criticizing a woman.
60lbs-70lbs is a big difference then some baby weight after a few kids. This guy has an addiction called gluttony. It's food and drink. He might as well be an alcholic or playing video games all the time. She can't even go for a walk with him or have sex with him. I think that email was her venting in a low moment. It would be one thing if he was working on it but he isn't he refuses too. Does she have to sit back and watch him kill himself with diabetes and blood pressure?
My ex called me fat so I worked hard and lost the weight he said I looked great and how proud he was of me! I then said to him “your turn”! I want to feel the same way about you! Well, I was 250 pounds and went down to 180. He was 350 pounds. That’s why he is an ex. Loose ALL the extra weight people. Don’t put up with that kind of abuse.
He didn't lose the weight?
@@AllThingsGod316 he got gastric bypass lost it for a bit but gained it all back and more. 😞
@@Fuglychick Oh geez.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😭😭
If you're 180.... you'd better be 6ft tall at least. 😂
Complacency: the reason why many relationships fail is because spouses FAIL to continue dating their partner. "Dating" means not only communicating and going on dates, but also being your best self for the other person.
Agree… it takes two people to be in it to win/win it
Exactly. Good advice!
Yes I agree ! Why do people find it so offensive that a spouse wants to pull up their partner on these things . Why is being lazy and overweight and not making any effort , acceptable?
@@Aisha-ej8ljif the roles were reversed, you’d feel the opposite way
@JAB2010 why?
I was sort of siding with the husband until I heard 1) how much he drinks and 2) that he wanted his wife to go to a strip club. Dealing with addicts is a whole other ball game and pressuring your wife to get a lap dance from a stranger is disgusting.
I was surprised more people didn't factor that in too! His drinking and him wanting her to go to a strip club, um yuck.
There is nothing wrong with strip clubs. Most strippers are students working their way through school so I figure I'm just helping society. Note: At least that's what they tell me :)
I stand by my words. It's wrong to pressure someone into going to a strip club. Pressuring anyone into sex-related acts is disgusting. @@benfranklin3638
It's a porn addiction. Poor woman. It's not her fault.
@@benfranklin3638I hope you’re joking.
I'd rather John be honest and take accountability about calls he's not proud of than see an edited version. We all have bad days that we learn from.
I just listened to the call and can’t figure out what his mistake was?
@@nonosfavoritessame
@@nonosfavorites I hear it.
To me it seems like there’s a disconnect between what she’s saying is applicable to her and what Jon is saying. To me it sounds like she’s making a complaint that he’s personally dealt with and is answering her questions with his personal issues, rather than the objective problems between them as a couple.
I only subscribed because doc is real and raw! Keep being honest John!
@@nonosfavoritesYou can't see where he got personally triggered?
I sit here teary eyed. I was so frustrated with my husband for the same reason. My hubby attended the Air Force Academy, so he was no slouch. Over the years he gained over 350 lbs. I was so frustrated at the beginning, because I thought he was causing it. He wasn’t. I lost him 2 years ago at 48 years old. I can not regret more losing him and not being more kind. Long story short, yes, we saw many doctors and went to counseling. The consensus was that I should feel free to leave. I didn’t. We had a beautiful healing and such a sweet last 6 months together. I cant wait to see him again. It does make me not sweat the small things (I believe) now. Blessings to those of you who still have their spouses, who can still work through small things(not all things are small). 😊
May I inquire as to the cause of his drastic weight gain? Was it metabolic?
And I'm sorry for your loss.
What condition was causing his weight gain?
@@jenniferlloyd9574 it was as simple as lymphedema. Which is just a build up of lymph fluid. We went to the best of the best MD’s and Naturopaths. At the very least, we didn’t catch it in time…
@@Snappypantsdance You were there for him and that's what matters.
I think it's fine for a spouse of either sex to be upset with the drastic weight gain of the other. They care about their loved ones health first of all, and attraction is still important ❤
Its just way more acceptable for a woman to complain about it than a man. A man is called shallow blah blah blah right away . But i see no problem calling out obesity from the wife or husband.
@@flippintobyland7257 lmao 🤣 yeah if you're on the left if you're on the right (which I am) it's the other way around. Men must stop whining about wammin on the internet and take accountability for their own actions. Inb4 wammin neva take counttability blah blah
@@flippintobyland7257 Depends on why she gained weight.. Men who complain about a women gaining weight after she has given birth are shallow.
@@erismana2105 does that excuse last for 10 years after 😂 .
@@flippintobyland7257 Didn't say it did I ..
Learn to read
I never cared about my husbands weight, because I loved him in every shape and form. But I should have cared. As he gained more and more weight the "bad gene problems" really started to kick in. As soon as one problem like high blood pressure was under control the next health issue came to surface. And at a certain age some damage to your health can't be undone. On the other hand, our husbands/wifes are adults who are responsible for their own well-being and it's not our job to coach or set them on a diet.
Perfect! You’re right, we’re not responsible and/or tell adults how to think, feel or act, They’re adults and will do as they please. It’s called boundaries.
And, the truth is if your spouse is willing to just let themselves go, it's a guarantee you'll end up as their caretaker when they develop a chronic condition. We should all try to take care of ourselves, not just because we want to be desirable for our spouses, but we don't want to willingly become a burden due to poor health either.
You're right, its not our job to coach them or set them on a diet, but it absolutely is the job of a loving spouse to hold them accountable. It's love to let them know they are hurting themselves and you with not caring about their health. Marriage is no longer me and you, it is we. And when one is unhealthy or going down a bad path, that weakens the team and could end in severe health problems, early death or like someone else said, a caretaker situation. Not to mention it strains the mutual finances with medical bills. All of which is possibly avoided by holding the other person accountable and letting them know when they're slipping.
They are responsible for their own well-being yes, and in a marriage, we are also responsible for their well-being by doing our part to encourage them and ease them in the right direction. To not do so or to ignore it is not love. People who buy bad food for severely obese people like 600lbs is a prime example. They claim they are loving them by giving them whatever they want but by not holding them accountable and making better choices for them both, they are slowly killing them. We are here to love and support one another in marriage and at time that includes some tough love.
@@hikerhobby1204 except as their spouse you have become one with them... A person should take into consideration what's important to the other. If you love and care about someone you would do what makes them feel happy and loved that goes both sides.
@@tihigreen Whatever you think. I don’t tell adults what to do.
It's okay if you have stuff going on in your personal life Delony, we're here to walk along side you this season.
My mom is dealing with this, too. Our whole family is scared for my dad. He is overweight, he had a heart attack back in 2016 and he just doesn't seem like he cares about himself. Anytime we try to talk to him, he makes jokes and giggles, deflects. 😢 We want him around for as long as he can be....I wonder if his childhood trauma is causing this as well as his arthritis issues.
One can't _make_ someone else care about themselves. I wish it were possible but we have tried. 💔
Sorry you're in this situation, I can relate. A lot of people think their behavior is okay because they see other people eating unhealthy foods too, which we tend to do at family get togethers and holidays (what they don't see is the thin people eating much less the rest of the week). If you lead by example he might notice how bad his eating is in comparison to everyone else in the room.
Pray for him
My dad has the same issue we all hope he gets better but he loves using excuses. I tried my hardest to get him healthier tried taking him to walk try doing stuff but he'll say he's in pain. He's constantly at Dr appointments trying to get a solution from a Dr but never accountable for not taking it into his own hands and taking better care of himself.
Why do you want him around as long as he can be? Why really? To continue to use him? or because you like him? Tell him.
He didn't "put in the effort to take care of himself and be healthy" when he went to the gym in his previous relationship. He was prepping to put himself back on the market.
So much this
This. 100%
I feel into this trap. Allowing myself to be tired, fat, and over indulgent. My wife seemed fine with it, but I wasn’t. So at 40 I started to work out, 3-4 years later I’m in the best shape in my life and my wife is the one out of shape. She’s working on it and I’m pushing her (lightly) to be better. It helps to do it together.
This lady should ask her husband to go to the gym with her and they do it together but he’s got to put the beer down.
Tried , fat and indulgent can start one on a cycle of being tried , fat and indulgent .
I've tried being supportive. I've tried being blunt. I've tried being pointed. Does not matter. If they're not ready to do it for themselves, they're not.
The woman tried toml make him go on walks
He wouldn't even go for a walk with her. You can't out-exercise bad eating, certainly not drinking.
Wow! I love how you took Charge and changed. She tries to get him on walks and he refuses. John is way odd on this one. This man is destroying his marriage and it is NOT right !!
It's a very real fear for some people that their spouse will get very unhealthy and have a heart attack and die. Also....it's not necessarily her fault that he is 'giving up'.
I agree !! 🤔👏👏
When I was 27…right before I met my wife, I was in peak physical shape. 6’2….185lbs. I was running marathons, doing intense workouts…etc. I met my wife, we got married, bought a house and had 3 kids. Now I have to prioritize caring for my children, wife, dog, and house … then myself. I still workout but now I’m back to 230lbs at 37 … where I was before I started working out hard. I’d be curious to know what kind of shape she’s in.
You and wife first sir, then the kids. The kids will see how you care about health and copy from that. If they see a 230 lbs man, that is what they are going to think is normal
@@chocovanille5809 I agree. Parents have to take care of themselves. Drag the kids out with you to be active. Letting the kids stay inside to play video games will produce grown kids that never leave home. You want those kids to leave the nest so you and your spouse can get back to focusing on each other and still be in good enough shape to enjoy life.
@@workhard801 agreed
Get back to the gym in the morning. You can get there and back before anyone else wakes up. Get down below 200. You can do it.
I mean you didnt even give birth. But some weight gain is different than excessive weight gain due to heavy drinking.
Contempt is the number 1 indicator of an impending divorce. This lady oozes contempt for her husband. I think John said exactly what she needed to hear. Sadly, I don't think she listened.
I agree with you about the problem with contempt, but I also heard someone who was aware this was a problem and was working on it. I think she was listening, but I also think she disagreed with Dr. John's overall pessimism about the relationship.
@@greenAbbot Yeah, I felt like she was trying really hard to shoehorn what he was saying about her life but it was missing the mark a bit.
Women don't listen period.
She has contempt after he helped raise her son. He got ripped off.
EXACTLY
He sounds depressed and eating and drinking are a form of self medicating.
Worrying and caring for your partners health and weight gain is normal but the way she talks about her husband like he’s some kind of slob or pig is disgusting, way to uplift your husband. She puts so much negativity towards him when the man even raised a child that wasn’t even his, she sounds very cruel and cold. I could never imagine speaking of my husband in this manner.
She wrote out an email. I think she was venting in that moment.
I was looking for this comment👆🏾you nailed it . She has got everything thing left out of him, he is now nothing but a “fat ,gross eww “ .
Narcissist devaluation turn a physical fit man into one that turns to booze to numb the control nagging wife ; who constantly puts him down for what he’s not. Instead of encouraging him . The way she talk about him is awful , bet she’s worse to him at home . Poor guy. Every woman he married used him.
There’s a book series called “Why Men Marry B****es” … more and more I see why the book was written for we “nice girls” because a lot of men, seem to truly marry mean women. If these women are not mean-spirited, it may be because some of these men were so traumatized by a mean ex that they better appreciate the kinder women… 2.5 kids later and a bit paranoid about women in general… super annoying.
@@kellharris2491 which makes it worse because those are her true thoughts, I’ve been with my husband 15 years and we have had ups and downs but I’ve never thought of my husband in such a dispicable way which leads me to believe her issues are more than just his weight.
He's telling her to get lap dances from strippers, something she's not comfortable with, instead of working on the real problem which is the fact that his weight gain is affecting their sex life and quality time together. It's not okay to completely let yourself go just because you are with someone who loves you. He needs to go see a doctor to make sure it's not medical. I can't ever imagine dishonoring my future spouse by letting myself go.
My husband gained weight and the idea of having sex grossed me out (I never said anything of course). One day I asked him who he no longer respected, me or him? Turned out he had lost respect for himself. I told him he needed to turn it around because he was disappearing and to his credit he did. That’s all that was ever said and all that needed to be said.
Would JD say you were rude or insulting to your husband?
Good for you and your husband! I'm glad you got your husband back. I'm sure he feels better and is happier, too.
@@workhard801 I wasn’t rude or mean when I asked the question, I genuinely didn’t know and my husband knew I was asking with serenity. I was sad and my fear was he had lost respect for me but I didn’t know why. Yes it worked out but I think it’s because I left it up to him to decide how he wanted to handle himself with no shame, no argument.
Amazing
@@workhard801no because that’s exactly what John teaches. To ask about respect
To have sex with a man with boobs would be disgusting to me.
A wife has the ability to make her husband feel like a quarter back player on a football team OR a quadriplegic. I’d start with praying for him and loving on him. Just that little bit will go a long way.
I'm only about 2 minutes in and I already appreciate how raw and real Dr. John is here. That's for being real and sharing it with us, JD!
Moral of the story, get/stay in shape fellas
Here's the thing, I'm realistic, and while I know marriage vows are forever, lots of people don't find fat attractive, and while they can choose to love you, if you choose to allow yourself to get fat, you're also choosing the consequences, and you can't blame your partner if they lose some attraction for you.
Not getting fat takes more and more energy the older you get, sadly.
@@updog179 it just takes some self control and discipline, I mean if you don't even have kids in the house anymore what's the excuse? It's a choice at the end of the day, I know it's not easy for everyone, but it's more than possible.
Have him get his testosterone checked. It’s probably low now that he’s older. That causes weight gain and depression which can lead some men into heavy drinking. My husband was miserable and he wasn’t even 40 yet. Turns out he had the testosterone of an 80 year old man. Getting treatment has been life changing
It’s probably because he drinks like a fish and eats fast food..
I love Dr.John’s honesty
I like his hair!
He is an idiot , I would never trust or hire someone who cant empathise with others , thinks that people with no kids don't have deep love when literally you have men with kids living childfree life and women who cant connect with their kids.......
I like his rump.
@@iPervy me too!
I empathize with the lady. My SO once said to me that he no longer found me attractive because I gained weight during the lockdowns. So I put forth the effort and lost the weight; but he didn't. I'm sorry, there are no excuses. We don't have children, he works less than 40 hours a week, he hasn't suffered any injuries, or had any pregnancies. He's just gotten lazy AF in my opinion. His whole personality changed with the weight gain. We used to go out together every weekend and have sex frequently. I can't get him to pay more attention to me vs Facebook. He doesn't even drink and his belly is disgustingly huge. If someone doesn't like who they become they need to do something about instead of ruining the enjoyment of people around them.
So true indeed
I agree. That is a really tough situation.
Overweight wives should also have to lose weight.
Dang yeah it’s also sad when ppl don’t have any more respect for themselves too and they get that way
These men with their bellies?! can they even SEE it? How sad.
I mean it’s a massive amount of weight, so he’s clearly going through something, went from weights to booze, same issue I think
I personally thought you handled the call very well. Wish more were like this. Straight forward
I liked his advice. When a man says his wife is too fat to love everything stops like how dare you say that....well it's mean when a woman says it about a husband too
Usually the men are made their recently pregnant overworked wife has gained weight. She’s annoyed hes drinking a six pack. Come on.
@@thezu9250 irregardless you promise to love your spouse in sickness and in health love should make you see your spouse as a human person worthy of affection not just a body that has the sole purpose of turning you on living life together needs to be deeper than appearances
@@thezu9250that’s not an excuse to disregard weight. The same could be said for the man maybe he’s going through something internally you never know. Truth is both men and women need to stop making excuses if you have a partner pick up the weight.
It us though 😂. Do you know how much the body changes after pregnancy plus she has to take care of the babies especially for the first 5 years@@UnknownUser-nu8ny
@@thezu9250 Strawman.
I am so glad that John recorded this intro. It's important for people to recognize that therapists are human, and a call in radio show is not therapy- it's entertainment. John does put a lot of himself personally into the callers' situations, esp. those he identifies with more than others, but that's probably all he can do in the short time frame that the show format runs.
For better or worse.... I love my husband so much and over 25 years of marriage, both of our weights have varied. Neither of us has had an issue in the bedroom. Maybe we are just blessed. I hope this caller can see past the extra 60 lbs. to see it's still her husband in there.
Same ❤
If you aren't taking care of your body & neglecting it then YES its a problem!!!
I don’t think John did anything wrong here. I doubt there’s a medical problem, when you eat fast food and drink a six pack a day you get fat. Most of this is on the guy’s bad habits and asking his wife to go to a strip club and get a lap dance is incredibly insulting. Probably she can do at this point is work on her self and try to inspire him.
It's not because of society and media forcing unrealistic beauty standards on him?
@@parksoo-kim6908 Why is it unrealistic?
A possible medical problem is erectile dysfunction. A visit to a doctor could identify this.
@@parksoo-kim6908why is society & media to blame? We are all in charge of ourselves & this dude can make the choice to eat well, exercise & stop with the porn … but he chooses to do those things. He is an adult & he makes those choices.
The médical problem could be depression
There’s a look on Dr. John’s face on this call that I’ve never seen before. I can tell he’s struggling and trying to keep it out of the call, but something in this is personal for him. I’m thankful that he felt the need to preface this call like that, but his advice was actually quite sound imho.
You know what, you totally could of edited it all out, it never could of seen the light of day. And none of us would be the wiser. But thank you, Dr. John. For being human and transparent with us, and being able to say "Hey man, I could of done that better lemme circle back real quick"
its really awesome to see people in your position just be human. Hope things are going better for you now
I disagree. He didn’t say what advice he should have given.
Yeah he gave no real good advice
My husban and i dated for three years. We didn't include our children into the relationship untill we set a date for the wedding. We agreed in our dating getting to know you phase that we neither of us was attractive to overweight folk. we both gained weight and decided the gym and personal training were going to apart of our lives. It's the best gift you can give yourself feeling fit and healthy and it spills into the rest of your life. I have many obsese friends and dont care about their weight in an way. For myself and spouse we're very happy being able to workout, hunt, and fish, experience life as a spectator sport.
As a fellow counselor I appreciate the transparency. We have bad days for sure and owning up to it with clients and ourselves is crucial! Let’s not ignore the elephant in the room and model accountability and vulnerability!
My partner and I laid it out straight from the beginning; gaining an unhealthy amount of weight is a deal breaker. Wasn't a comfortable conversation but something that we both wanted.
@@BF-sb5zsperhaps start a fitness journey together. It's alot easier than making her feel like it's all on her. It's also easier for her to remain consistent if she's not "alone" in it.
Same with my partner. We both like to be healthy and fit, yet we give each other a little wiggle room to gain few pounds, yet we crack the whip on each other and then we go back to being in shape.
This is what I’ll be doing/ imposing if my girl wants more than a relationship
@@BF-sb5zswhy can’t you say anything, it’s a woman quit being weak. She will respect you more if you were confrontational
Same here. We both made the commitment to ourselves and each other that we would keep our weight in check. People get butthurt about that, but honestly that's their problem. Getting fat and unattractive is disrespectful. You don't get to be a slob because you're married, if anything you should be a team and stay in shape for health and for intimacy. Dating doesn't end when marriage begins.
Thanks for the transparency! Appreciate you, Dr. Delony!
I think its very important to do the best on both sides to be healthy and look good for your partner and not to get lazy once you are in a longtime relationship.
Thanks so much John for being honest (and self aware) about how you handled the caller. I am currently studying for my masters degree in counseling and I watch your you tube channel to get a perspective of my future clients needs.
For over 60 years, we've been taught by the government, medical and food industries and some religious groups to avoid meat and animal fat. Now, people eat for comfort and not nutrition. This has led to increasing rates of heart disease, type 2 diabetes and Obesity because of the amounts of sugar, processed foods and alcohol. He needs help. I workout generally 5 days a week for 2 hours a day. I'm 70 years old. I eat carnivore. He can change his life but only if he wants to.
💯 seed oils, sugar alcohols, dyes, etc. So many things in our everyday "food" that it's no longer food. It barely sustains us. It's poison that is chronically killing us because healthcare is profitable. It should be illegal to profit from medicine. It should be rewarded to cure disease (because they can). Instead, they have to make everybody sick, treat them with meds to keep the healthcare profits up. It's sick.
Yes!
I've had multiple partners who were overweight (i.e. boobs bigger than mine.)
Sometimes it feels like they have given up.
Sometimes it feels like there is no discipline.
I work out religiously. I make goals and try to reach them.
That said, sometimes it is harder with a very overweight partner.
Even the attraction diminishes.
I've never said anything. I offered walks and the gym, but that didn't work.
It is sad and leads to resentment.
That is all I will say about that.
Be with a healthy person inside and out. They don’t have to be a model, but they HAVE to take care of themselves. It’s important to you so it should be important to them. They should already come to you that way and be part of who they are and their character. They aren’t being healthy for anyone but themselves. That’s who you need
Shout out to you, Dr. John, for admitting something like this in the intro. Appreciate it! And hello from Israel❤
There is a thing called Happy Cow syndrome lol when you're comfortable and content you're not worried about your weight anymore. It happens.
I totally understand her. Can’t expect someone to be physically attracted to something that they never were attracted to. I take on the responsibility to stay fit for life.
If you’re lucky to grow into an old person… your partner can apply this same logic. “Fit and old” is still old and not as attractive, no? Lol. Shallow humans lol
Good luck with that.
@@HuesoAmarilloAfricana You sound triggered by what he said. Fit and old is still a lot better than fat and old. Fit older people can still lead active lives because they’re much healthier. It’s a completely different lifestyle. The older you get, the more your weight will effect you. It isn’t unreasonable to think a fit partner who still wants to get out and do things might get frustrated if their SO can’t do the same.
It’s important to have this conversation early on, in my opinion. It matters more to some than others and these things should be discussed. It shouldn’t be taboo.
It’s not about “fat shaming”, it’s just one more element that makes people compatible or not.
My fiancé and I actually had this conversation early on as neither one of us is attracted to obese people. Attraction isn’t even something you can control. We’re not talking about 20 pounds overweight or whatever but if one of us gains a substantial amount of weight,(100lbs or more) we’ll understand if our partner leaves. We’ll still love each other but take out attraction and you’re just left with a friend 🤷🏻♀️. That’s just how it is and there’s nothing wrong with that.
We both feel the same so we’re in agreement so it works for us.
Being degrading and resentful and calling the person down, on the other hand, is something else completely and should never be tolerated.
@@HuesoAmarilloAfricana If you're fit and old, you can still go for walks together and hold hands. If you're fat an old, you have to use a scooter or wheelchair because you've destroyed your hips, knees, back. It's not bad to want your spouse to be healthy so you can enjoy life together. Alocohol is not health food.
My now ex was 45 lbs heavier ...when we met...it never changed how I felt...she lost weight on her own...I still feel the same
I don't understand your comment but I hope your in a better place as I'm sure she is for taking control of the weight .
I respect you for coming back saying that you dropped some of these calls and realizing you weren’t in a great headspace.
For all his going on before this call....I honestly didn't hear anything that sounded out of line. I think the caller needed to hear every word he spoke to her - however he feels about it after the fact. This woman's husband needs SOMEBODY to say these things to her since he can't/isn't able.
And I speak from experience - my mom did the same thing to my dad.
Yeah she speaks about her husband like he’s a pig or slob, idk how fat your or better gets that’s NOT how someone who loves someone speaks of their partner
Exactly. While he may have missed the fact that he should have told her to encourage him to get medical help, he wasn't wrong. She's woe is me and just resentful. This call was probably a wake up call because gently showing a different pov like Dr JD did initially, wasn't working. Might not have been as professional as he'd liked but I don't think he was wrong. She'd probably be upset if he wrote about her, like she did about him. Hopefully things work out
I don't know...I really felt like he was jumping to some big conclusions here about how this woman felt about herself and about the marriage. She didn't want to contradict him, but I don't think she was buying it either. I'm more optimistic about this couple than Dr. John, but I think they could benefit from some basic ideas about how to start wanting to be better and more interesting partners for each other. This starts in non-sexual and less emotionally-charged ways, but it can spread.
Well he let himself go, and she is sick of his crap. When you are married, you still should take care of yourself.
Lot of people gain weight as they have kids, get older, get sick, and workload increases. Trying to stay mostly healthy is a good goal so you have energy to keep up with it all. My wife and I were college athletes and ten years later we still work out 4-5 days a week but it’s very clear we are not what we were back then when we worked out 3-4 hours a day 6 days a week. Now we take the kids on hikes and runs. I got EoE and my wife had cancer. Our work takes up a lot of time. It’s not excuses it’s reality. Weight isn’t everything but when it’s directly impacting your health then out of love not contempt you try to help your partner.
You don’t have to work out to be healthy and in shape. Nobody worked out in the sixties or seventies in Poland, nobody was hungry and yet you saw very few overweight people. My father who used to visit USA at that time was always coming back in utter shock how fat Americans were - fifty years ago. And it was nothing compared to present situation. You just have probably the worst food in the whole universe and shitty habits. I still remember this movie - commando with Arnold Schwarzenegger. At the beginning he gives his daughter a breakfast- bread with fucking Nutella 😮😮😮 and I was 15 back then and me and my friends were like - it is crazy, probably he gave her sth like that bc he is a father so an idiot who doesn’t know how to care for a child. I was given sandwiches with plenty of vegetables, my mother worked full time but every day I had a freshly cooked dinner, with a big bowl of salad, we almost never ate sweets bc there were not many in the shops, we almost didn’t drink soda, maybe once a week. Pizza was a holiday treat. It is easy to stay slim. Really is. Btw do you know that your bread has like 3 times more sugar than ours? And an American girl who has a channel where she speaks about living in Poland complains that we don’t have sweet enough cakes. 😮😮😮Do you know that people coming to Europe lose usually 5-10 kg in a month not changing eating habits but bc our food is not so sugary and bc they have to walk or rather they can walk everywhere they need?
I appreciate John's honesty. I had to watch the entire episode and then go back to see what he should have told her. I would not have known that he regretted his advice.
The awareness and accountability wt the beginning was really appreciated doc!
I get the impression that the overweight husband is probably a good man who got lost somehow or lost his way. We all lose our way at times. To me the wife should be more supportive or the husband. I can tell it can be hard, but isn't that what marriage is? It isn't always sunshine and rainbows and fat or buff, you have to be behind your partner and help them to be a better version of themselves. And yes way way way easier said then done.
They can't go on a walk together. They struggle to have sex. And he is not willing to work on it or to try to change. So if all of that stoped how would you feel?
@@kellharris2491 Yes. I do understand it is a tough situation. I get it. But she was more combative to her husband then being supportive. He had bigger breast then me now. Come on, that is pretty dreadful to say! And again the husband from what I can gather isn't putting in maximim effort, that is for sure, but she is acting more as a bane then a boon in this situation. Basically they need to have a heart to heart and both make changes here. I understand this is all easier said then done.
@@DominickSpano You assume she hasn't tried to be supportive and kind. She sounds like she's tried for a long time and is frustrated. I've had the same struggle. I finally convinced my husband to go to the gym with me. We worked out together. Immediately after leaving the gym, he would stop at the nearest convenience store and buy beer. I told him he's undoing everything he just did. He said he worked hard and deserves a beer. I gave up. I do my own thing now, trail runs. I'm not his mother, but I don't need to join him and be unhealthy.
Sorry man, but it's impossible to not have contempt when your own husband personally asks you to go to a strip club. That is disrespect of the highest order.
If he used to go to a gym and she wants to do something with him, maybe they should both go to the gym and work out together. And sucking down beers doesn't help a person mentally or physically.
I actually really like all the comments you made in this call John! I appreciate your candor and sincerity.
I think that you did an awesome job with this call! Keeping it real but I didn't hear you being rude or anything! I think that your advice was valid!
The drinking is another important issue.
She's not crazy. This is a total normal reaction if your partner gains a lot of weight.
Totally. I think everyone knows their spouse (and themselves) will gain 15-20 pounds as they age MAYBE. But 70 pounds is a deal breaker. Bait and switch. 61 yr old female
Yep!
@@cherissef5297 15-20 is not much onetime. 70 seems excessive but most people don’t weight 15 pounds more since age of 21 lol.
she lack compassion and understanding ... if she dispaise him so much and is disgusted by his lack of willpower to lose weight ... she should live him.
Do we think he doesn't perceive her disgust towards him? i would hate myself if I was alloying myselself to be married by someone that looks you with disgust and contempt ... I totally feel for him
I agree and actually feel that couples should discuss expectations on this matter early on. It should be part of the “agreement”. It matters more to some than others. It’s not shallow or “fat shaming” but people can’t change what their attracted to and it’s a completely different lifestyle. Severely overweight people usually just don’t have the energy to do all of the same things a fit person does. It’s a big part of being compatible and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I don’t care if people want to be overweight. It’s their life. My partner’s health effects my life though a vice versa.
Just starting. Respect for being transparent.
I wish he was on this call too. His side would bring so much clarity to both of them.
She sounds so disillusioned imagine how he must feel after raising another man’s kid with her and having her speak of him in such a disgusting manner. They both need to work on themselves because it seems like there is way more wrong with their relationship beside weight gain.
I agree. She seems nasty. He shouldn't be drinking that much but I guess being married to her is that tough.
13:59 this is exactly right. The man is unhappy with his life. I actually think Dr. J hit this one out of the park.
Thank you John for being honest and admitting you messed up. A trustworthy person indeed!
I think theres a balance to this problem
it can be unhealthy to go down a path that leads to destruction, because that leads to hurt people.
but its a slippery slope of a line that can be difficult to traverse especially if someone is very sensitive about the person they have become, relating to depression.
Hard to get someone to take care of themselves.
but there comes a time and place where its necessary, especially in a relationship to do whatever it takes to help your partner feel more valuable again.
Dont think you needed to apologize on this, you didn't go wrong, if anything you were strong on your opinion about someone with depression, and probably were imagining what it would have been like to be in his shoes. You seemed to really be deep into emotion or thought, and possibly projecting your past emotions into their issues. Theres an audience for that, and a lot of people love that raw geniune response, that in return, helps those who deep down need that as well.
Loved this one.
I am in the exact same situation only my husband is more like 175 lbs overweight. We've already been to dozens of doctor visits (pulmonary, cardiology, orthopedic spine, etc.) so I doubt that was the issue. She wasn't coming to you for medical advice. Don't be so hard on yourself Dr. Delony! I totally agree with you that the best this woman can do is focus on creating a life she loves. I started going to Al-Anon and that has helped tremendously. You can still love someone but in the end you're responsible for your own happiness. it's amazing what can happen when you take the focus off the other person and work on yourself! I don't have a crystal ball and I don't know what will happen in the future with my own relationship, but I do know I'm a happier person than I was a few years ago and maybe that's the best we can hope for.
I agree with you. Also, I gained almost 50 pounds after my thyroid was removed due to cancer. I do take thyroid hormone replacement, but it isn't the same as having an actual thyroid. Dr. Eric Berg said "You don't lose weight to get healthy; you get healthy to lose weight". So, I'm in the process of fixing myself. I've also got Long Covid...
My husband is sort of like a dead weight around my neck. The death of my parents has added to my unhappiness. My closest friend has turned on me and begun to take all of her problems out on me while castigating me without cause. Suffice to say, I'm unhappy for varied and sundry reasons.
I feel compelled to pull back from everyone and focus on me. For my own well being. You may need to do that, as well. My husband wants home cooked meals every night and it's so difficult because being around food all day makes me want to pig out. He wants dessert, too, and doesn't have a weight problem (180lbs).
I'm gonna do me for a while and see how it goes.
@@jenniferlloyd9574I hope it’s going well. I support you putting yourself first to heal and find health.
I love this guy. He can make people confront their lies to themselves. You know how hard that is? A lot of people cannot, I mean canNOT, face themselves. I've tried it gently a few times and usually I get extreme defensiveness as if I'm the worst person in the world for pointing out flawed thinking. I know it's also because I am not a person of authority. I'm tiny and disabled. People look at me and they think, "aww, how cute, I wish I could dress her up like an elf." But still. It's hard.
I’m so appreciative of John for speaking to what it’s like when you don’t listen to yourself and push to do things rather flow with them or not ❤
I really have so much respect for Dr John. Seriously he accepts when he makes mistakes, he holds no double standards, he is compassionate in so many calls. This show is a great listen! 🎉
It's okay to want your partner to be healthy. It's another if you're upset solely because of the physical attractiveness aspect, that's straight up wrong. Anyone at anytime could get into an accident and lose any physical beauty they might have. Also we grow older and our physical appearance changes anyways.
His is a choice.
@@quietmomcooking8053 no one owns you or you body but you .
It's not wrong per say. It just is what it is.
You can't compare an accident to someone over eating and not exercising by choice.
@Quiet mom cooking “Give your body to your spouse?” I believe in bodily autonomy as what you lay out primes a situation for abuse. Plus exercise is best when intrinsically motivated. You owe it to yourself to be as healthy as you can be.
I respect the woman’s truthfulness. If her husband is not respecting himself then how are others supposed to respect him. I agree 💯 with the caller… callous or not
It's tough being in a marriage and watching your spouse destroy themself. You still love them and it hurts to watch them suffering from achy joints and back pain. Carrying a lot of abdominal weight causes lower back pain.
Dr. Deloney sounds spot on in with this one….when I found myself with no purpose, I ended up in the same situation. Eating and drinking became my purpose until I went back to working again. That is my one true motivator at this moment in my life and when I stopped, it only took 2-3 months for me to completely lose myself despite having all the time to go to the park, etc etc. Also, living in Houston, it’s SO HOT. Ahaha A few years back, it was easy to spend hours at the park per day during summer breaks. Now it’s unbearable. & It’s no her fault either.
When wife and I married, one thing she made clear to me, I don't like fat guys or pot bellies! 😆 At 49, I'm doing my best to keep in shape, I lift weights 5 to 6 days a week, and I try to eat healthy. She helps by cooking me good tasty clean meals.
He is a man of good character.
You mean the “man” who asked his wife to go to a strip club with him? Such great character…
@@Smartrinse24 nope. John Delony.
There’s no problem with having issues with your spouses weight gain. It signals laziness, unhealthy lifestyle, and flat out selfishness. Not taking care of yourself while in a relationship while your spouse does spells an unhappy marriage.
What if the husband gets into such great shape that he can do a lot better than you? Would it be selfish of you to still try to hold on to him and prevent him from getting someone hotter than you? (I mean, as long as you started down this road, let's see where it might end...)
Coming at this from a position of contempt is going to poison the marriage whether the person stays overweight or gets physically healthy again.
Ask yourself how much love is worth to you when it is contingent on appearance.
Much better way to go about this would be a desire for your significant other to be healthy so the years you live together can hopefully be long.
@Michael Jones If that's his point to being fit, then by all means. But health should be a two way street.
I have no issue with her wanting her husband to be healthier, but the way she worded that letter in particular, is not healthy either.
@@murraybeachtel8585 love is 100% contingent on a variety of conditions being met, appearance being one of them.
I can tell you straight up I could not love an overweight woman no matter how kind or upstanding she is. It’s a basic requirement for me that a woman isn’t overweight.
If you’re one of these people who believe that love isn’t condition-based, I implore you to research divorce stats.
APPRECIATE the honestly. So important to remember even Dr. are human
It is not abuse to ask your spouse to drop a few. It abuse not to. Dont you want to be happy
I wasn't married on paper. But I was with a guy for 7 years. It got to a point where he was like, "Honey, both of us have got to lose some weight."
I did all of the studying. I read Eades and Taubes. I cut out the carbs, stopped drinking alcohol. And he did nothing to improve his own health. It wasn't just his weight. It was his view on the United States. It was denial of the holocaust happening. It was saying slurs right out side of the lecture hall about our openly gay professor.
She's not just frustrated with the weight. She is frustrated with the alcoholism and all of the problems that come with it.
Near the end of my relationship, I felt all alone. He called me one day yelling about something, and I told him it was over. It was a painful decision, but now I live a single life. I don't want to EVER get married again. It was complete hell.
Glad you didn’t marry that psycho
That’s sad.
Damn i did not expect that twist!!
You're much better alone than that mess.
That’s a trauma response and and an excuse to not try again for love. I’m not being nice nor your friend I’m just speaking truth. You sound like you would be an awesome catch for another person who is a go getter such as yourself and it would be a crime to have you spend the rest of your life alone and not sharing your light with someone that’s compatible.
That being said because of what you accomplished in your life if you found someone who had the same energy as you, I highly doubt you would let them pass. You may hold them around and not marry them but to not experience an energy that matches you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE….I doubt that will you would let that pass.
Basically your saying this now and maybe for a few years more but most likely you have learned your lesson in what to look for in a life partner and you will be faced with marriage again …..DO IT! You have to learn to trust yourself again. I have seen this story too many times .. don’t let your trauma rule your life. You seem too good of a catch to even ponder being alone but I get it.
It is very SAD that people cannot appreciate each other for who they will become. I have been single for over 12 years now and I will much appreciate the person that I meet will become!! GOD Bless :)-
It’s unfortunately very common for this to happen to men. You’re not allowed to feel, struggle or have issues with most women.
That’s tuff love dr.Delony
Easy to judge people even on the street with over weight , we never know what’s going on in their life. No body wants to be over weight if it was by choice .
And by the way un planned weight lose should be concerning too / not exciting .
Got your self checked with your medical doctor
In most cases it’s by choice there’s no reason for the majority of the US to be overweight
What’s going on in 99% of cases is they’re in a caloric surplus and making excuses for that only does the following:
1.) Reduces their lifespan.
2.) Reduces their quality of life.
3.) Encourages gluttony.
4.) Increases the cost of my healthcare.
True. There is quite often so much trauma that is packed in there.
It’s mostly by choice! The health problems USUALLY come AFTER they’ve intentionally eaten themselves to that point. It’s easy to over indulge. Those that maintain a healthy weight are living in the same time period as the enormous people. We have the same temptations. We see the same foods on the shelves. We are exposed to the same restaurants. The difference is the enormous one just eats and eats because it’s good and the other eats to satisfy hungry. Y’all need to stop making excuses for those that are clinically morbidly ob€s€. It didn’t just happen. It isn’t caused by disability or bad health in most cases.
When I was in the Marines we had guys who would gain weight while we were in the states... Then when we would go overseas, magically they lose the weight when their diet is restricted. Weird how that works
I’m actually glad Dr. J put a spotlight on the caller’s hurtful words and tone. I could never say those things about my husband, and if my husband talked about me that way it would be grounds for divorce.
You can only help someone to the extent they will allow you to help…. I understand her point of view.
The sound of her voice tells me everything I need to know about her.
Starts with selflessly serving the person you’re with. Reverse things. Stop looking at self and your needs. Love him well. I know. I’ve been there.
Sorry no way I could put up with obese body. Don’t mind scars, lacking limbs, wheel chair. But sorry - boobs??? Pregnant male belly? Btw this guy is also an alcoholic.
Highly doubt his weight gain is health related sitting around eating bad food and drinking beer is recipe to alot of weight gain for anyone. My biggest issue is if a man makes this call they definitely get anger from women but not ok for a man to get fat. Same thing...likely low self esteem and depression going on. Both husband and wife should take care of themselves. We all gain some weight with age but 60+ lbs is way to much.
Oh my gosh that hurts my heart I have no words. 😢
Holy moly I’ve never seen Dr. John respond to a call like this. Wow. 😮
I think it was because of the tone of the email and how fake the caller tried to come in as a concerned wife
Dr. John so humble and so honest. But truthfully, I think, as she refused to accept her own flaws and role, I think you were too soft on her. More brutals truths may have been nessecary.
I don’t hear anything wrong here. No one likes watching a partner fall apart
I love that he was so honest about feeling he didn't deal with her the way he should have. But I had the same reaction, and would have had to take a deep breath. You can't help someone who is talking out both sides. The email suggests HER inconvenience is really driving this, and not his health. What she wrote was rotten. Then comes on the show and sounds all caring. I think it was important she be read what she wrote to get her true intentions out of her.
Your tripping dr. John you did 💯 great on this call
"I love a lot of people that I can't stand." I hear that a lot from my mother's generation. I am much older than you, John. I just don't get it. I understand a general love for life and its potential. I don't understand disgust for superficial physical faults. Almost anything physically unappealing can be cleaned up, habituated to, or compensated for...without much effort. It's not fair to torture someone for your own lack of interest or effort.
I took it as we love our family and friends because we shared experiences, but I also don’t like them as people. Their politics, how they view life, treat others, animals. It’s not just aesthetic.
John, we love every version of you, edited or not 🤓
Same here.🙂
Good reflective practice
Dr. Felony is the GOAT!!! 🐐 🔥🐐🔥
I was going to get myself some potato chips to snack on but I changed my mind 😂