Estrangement: The Secret That So Many Older Women Hide
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- Опубліковано 5 лип 2021
- The word estrangement is such a harsh and even "ugly" word. It's a secret that so many older women keep to themselves. The sound of the world just makes you feel sad. It signifies the end of a relationship with an adult child, family member or friend can be one of the most devastating emotional traumas in life.
In this video we discuss how 67 million people in the United States are estranged from someone and how that has an impact on both emotional and physical health. We talk about how an estrangement begins and some ideas for softening the relationship and even rebuilding it.
If you have experienced familial estrangement, what helped you to heal the rift? What advice would you give to others in this situation? Please talk to me in the comments below.
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#estrangement #loneliness
My whole family is dysfunctional. I finally stopped being the family doormat so now flying solo.
Same. One can only work with others who WANT to do the work, and if they don't, there is nothing left to do but work on yourself and your own life. GL&TC~
I am in your camp. Better off.
Me too!
As long as a certain family member is designated low person on the totem pole and goes along with it, that person will get along. The minute they try and assert themself and open their mouth, they are no good.
Same here, but it's so painful.
Estrangement hurts a mother's heart to the core forever. . . .life is just not the same.
yes yes yes, but don't just blame yourself.
Hang on , you'll become different, like water we adapt on the flow of life .
I encourage you to read the poem by Poe- a dream within a dream. I like the metaphor of sand he used, it just passes no matter if you accept the reality or not. Yet if we understand the reality, we won't intend to grasp anything in the first place, life goes on with lightning speed, focus on thing that s making us happy and that's in our control.
Choose to have a new life...its not the life you expected but it's what you're given and its worth living the best way you can. I know cuz I'm in the same sad club.
I agree Michelle. The grace of God helps me but the pain doesn't go away. I do pray grace in your case too.
No life is never the same again...
Estrangement can also make you happy if it rids your life of extremely offensive people.
Yup, or at at least rid your life of that pain and help bring peace. I have found that removing toxic relationships leaves an open space for healthy relationships to fill. 🙂💝
@@grateful7420 Connie, that's such a good way to look at it, leaving room for healthy relationships.
What to do about the mother guilt? The stereotype is that parents should never ever give up and yet if anyone else treated me the way my daughter does, I would have nothing to do with them. And I know that her hostility comes from a lot of pain, and yet since it’s directed at me, I can’t be the one to help her heal. The helplessness is so frustrating and painful.
I'm lucky to have an excellent relationship with my daughters and other immediate family.
Helo Maam, new subscriber here, unfortunately i am hurting coz of my partner's vices, he doesnt care for anymore, what he's doing is all about and for himself alone, recently he just told to just leave the house if i cant take the pain anymore, and this hurt me so much, pls send me a message, thanks Maam,,
Sometimes the best you can do is save yourself.
Or save the rest of your family. Often the mother is the last one who is willing to let go, long after everyone else has realised that X won't help themselves and can't be rescued.
And, my dear, that is where I finally landed. I spent most of my life.....decades.....trying to have family. I tried to be the one who held it all together. I planned family reunions where no one came, birthdays, graduations......deaths. So, I finally accepted the cards I had been dealt. My only regret is that I wasted so much of my life....6+ decades trying to give love and get love from those I called family. They just couldn't do it.
So painfully true. Knowing when to "fold them" as Kenny Rogers says.
@@trace3254 my story exactly! Thank you!
@@trace3254 yes, I had the exact same situation.
I didn't know this was so common. My daughter quit all contact with me about 8 months ago with no explanation. It kept me awake at night for many months until I realized how much less drama and stress I have in my life now.
But even though that is no longer an issue, it still breaks ones heart if they allow themselves to stop,take a breath and feel...it's the closest thing I know to death. The ultimate loss.
@@marianserra8371 it’s worse than death, it’s murdering your presence, it’s deliberate, death is normal, this is not!
It happen to me and it breaks my heart. I am disabled and live my dog. God bless all that all that are experiencing this. Peace and love. We will survive.
@@harrietsand9715 yes. The hurt is easing some with grey rock and radical acceptance. no longer overwhelmed by their selfishness, I'm taking back my power and joy. F 'em!
@@bjaneharding584 yes we will. Thank you!
Estrangement is a feeling of ultimate rejection and it's like being murdered on some level, by someone you love, that you thought loved you.
The shame is because 'it's not normal ', to even be in such a situation. It is like a nightmare that you can't wake up from.
I could barely breath when I thought I'd lost my two Sons, I wouldn't have got through it if they hadn't come back. I was in total disbelief.
💯👍💙 i so agree. It's debilitating emotionally.
Yes, x
Yes, I agree with all that Margret had to say The word Forgiveness wasn't mentioned. You have to start and end with a Forgiving Heart😢 My daughters have no Forgiveness in their Heart.
Just awhile ago saying my Prayers. Asking Christ to remove my End less pain. It Never ends. 3 adults kids With 7 grandchildren. My Gifts from God So many changes Husband passed away of 30 years of marriage. Now at my age Alone . How could this happen? My grandchildren will never know how I love each and everyone. I have so many stories to tell them So many Kisses and Hugs to give them.And they will never know. I continue to pray daily for my family.And for Christ to take this heavy burden from me and give me Peace.
Sometimes we MUST estrange ourselves, even from a family member, overt/covert narcissistic persons can be so destructive you have no choice!
I have learnt so much about narcissism this past year, FINALLY now I understand what it is I am dealing with making it easier and necessary to let these people go, they cannot change…unfortunately.
@@lorierhardt5551 The Narcissist will likely be the one to cut you out..... they'll contact you again when they need more supply. But it won't last, you'll be cut out again and again..... it's all part of the game....
@@jaycristoval6155 yup….crazy making🙃
Amen! To all comments!
Just let it go and live your life. You can never answer for your grown children’s problems. Today it seems to be okay to blame all your faults on your parents. Leave it alone and let them either come around or stay estranged. One daughter of mine ruined a relationship with my mother and I due to her lies about her stepfather. Nothing can be done about it, I let it go and lived my life. I have had a good life too. That one daughter never came to her half brothers funeral either. That’s okay, her loss not mine. I do pray for her and hope the Lord will help her with her life which is so upside down and horribly backwards. Sometimes it’s better to continue to love a grown child from a distance.
Sadness. Depression. Stress. Guilt. Shame. When I realized my daughters were estranged from me even though we saw each other at family holidays, I realized something had to change. I can’t change my daughters, but I can change myself. I’m moving away to a faraway place where they can’t get at me. They are kind to others, but have a cruel streak when it comes to me.
I have the same thoughts of moving far away. Himalayas anyone?😅
There is an ocean between myself and my middle aged children. The pain remains.
There's a specific reason they have a cruel streak with you in particular though.
I completely understand and agree. I moved from the US to Ecuador and I'm really glad I did. My daughters can't get at me here and I can keep the relationships at arm's length.
I'm so sorry and on the other hand very proud of you. ❤
It’s so unfair embarrassing, shameful, emotionally exhausting, heartbreaking, it’s absolutely necessary to protect your boundaries and mental health. 💔 💔
🥲🥲
One of the most difficult paths to walk!
Yes, it’s rather difficult to dealt with a narcissistic family member . It brings shame and so many unhealthy emotions for the one who’s been targeted by the narcissistic person .
@@elliewilson8863 It gets easier. I went no-contact about 15 years ago.
@@jos9569 @ Ellie Wilson. I’m so sorry for your pain
Sending cards and such just sets you up for rejection over and over again, I couldn't take the rejection anymore.
I still have the unopened "return to sender" gifts that were sent to the grandchildren:(
@@marylott6186 omg how cruel of them!!!! One day....karma.
@@marylott6186 Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. This lady on the video did say that this estrangement seems to be a bit of a recent phenomena. I think it has something to do with our current affairs, perhaps even the end times. See, I'm so sensitive that if I were to send gifts and have them returned unopened, I probably couldn't move past that. So, I don't send anything. It is your turn now in life, try let go and let God. I simply remove it from my life, yes it still hurts, yes it will always be there, but they don't get to keep me in their box of "not good enough." And even when it hurts, it hurts less when I am not in the not good enough box. I wrote them off, they may think they wrote you off, but if you ghost them, they will be the ones left wondering why you left and hopefully they will look at themselves later in life. But I just disappeared from mine and I didn't even leave town, got rid of Facebook, ect. I just don't exist anymore in their box and therefore it can at least stop hurting so I can move on. I'll pray for you. God bless.
@@denakerr1379 Thank you for your kind words. I know that God has a plan for my life and I'm learning to accept that it's not the life I thought I would live. I miss the grands so very much, I pray that God will bless them but I can't live in a sea of sadness, I am moving on...both literally and figuratively. I am writing the names of my Son and his wife on a stone and throwing it into the "sea of forgetfulness" and forgiveness. Now I walk the new path before me. Your prayers are welcome.
I'm glad not to get cards from my mother anymore because the sight of her handwriting makes my stomach turn.
I have had to deal with this for decades and I didn’t even know it was a contentious issue for so many people. I thought it was just normal that family members claim they love you though it’s conditional and they project their negative emotions on whoever they can. I guess the estrangement comes when we develop stronger boundaries and they recoil. My life is so much better having very few people in it and I don’t feel lonely, I feel safe.
Yes, the same here: taking care of near and dear, after cutting off toxic high-conflict people and keeping them at bay. This kind of estrangement works. Otherwise,one loses energy and quality of life going in circles of self perpetuating toxicity, trying to explain and justify herself/himself, please, cajole, fluff, flatter, pretend, lie, deny , ... etc. And, one cannot win there. So, there's positive side of estrangement.
Thank you so much Darlin, l love what you said at the end especially. I too now feel safe by not having relationship with my grown child. No more feeling like an idiot and being electronically spied on because of being too damned lazy to visit me to check. I am a smoker, she isn't and it started there. Being treated like a disease way before covid came along. The betrayals kept multiplying faster than l could comprehend. Now l am happy, joyous and FREE and it feels great.
I understand and agree Marla! Thanks.
🙌
Good for you, Marla...I'm happy to hear you're not feeling lonely, but feeling safe now & have a few close friends to support you....Hugs, Poppy
Cincinnati
unfortunately, because narcissism is so prevalent, one must disconnect for the sake of one's own sanity and health. just focus on healing oneself; narc's will always smear and demean the ones that pull away. It is emotional whiplash, that only one who has dealt with the personality and behavior understands. Best wishes, all.
YEP!
Very true, I had to save my own life, no regrets just an abundance of healing after 50 years of being used and abuse by a covert narcissist.
YES!!! 😵💔😪
Truth
When it's a true mental order, yes, narcissism is horrific. However, there is an epidemic of people slapping labels on family, friends, co-workers as "narcissist" or "sociopath" or whatever and then making that the reason why they don't work on relationships. If it isn't fairy tale perfect, don't bother. That's just not how life and relationships works.
“Once you feel you are avoided by someone, never disturb them again.” Letting go isn’t easy, but sometimes it is necessary for your own mental health and well being.
Am sure you are not a mother
@@marhuny mother of 4 adult children. I’m estranged from one of them ( who is 56 yrs old) and the other three are 100% supportive of me. Take care.
@@LiveFree123 am currently in her shoes a mom shouldn’t take side or see her kids as a group if that is the case you might be narcissist sorry to say this
@@marhuny my daughter is the one who cut relationship with me because I wouldn’t go back to her clinically diagnosed narcissistic abusive father. He’s currently named in a class action lawsuit filed against him and others concerning abuse. One person named just recently got sentenced to jail time. I tried to continue to reach out to her but she ghosted me. BTW I have a wonderful relationship with her two grown sons, my grandsons. I’m sorry your mother is treating you like that. Be careful how you judge people when you don’t know the whole story. I really do wish you well. ❤️
Great comments. With my son in law it wasn't complete estrangement it was his attitude. He said my grandkids could not spend the night With me anymore cause I didn't have a big enough yard and they had not enough to do at my place. His wife my daughter makes sure I still see them. She visits and takes me to their sport events. It was my aim not to cause any friction in their marriage. I see the good qualities still in my so in law. But it hurts me when I see pictures and post of my grandkids spending nights and vacations with their other grandparents. I do not let myself dwell on it cause it would help no one. I know my children and grandchildren are not on earth to fill any holes I may have in my being. Only I can do that. The topic of estrangement just touched me. I am single and very limited on resources and it makes it hard to match what those with money can do with their grandchildren. But I lavish them with love. My blessings are many. But I am only human and I do have feelings. Thanks to all of you. I've found a support group in you.
Yes, around 9:50, she says that "it is a sadness in me that just won't go away". Thank you for talking about this. I am in my 50s, single (not dating), no kids, estranged from siblings who are estranged from each other, no "family" to speak of, very frail ties with cousins (who are very involved with members of their own nuclear family), a few friends but they are so busy and we many see each other once or twice a month. I'm so sad & lonely & heartbroken. I don't have a "loved one" and I am not anyone's "loved one". In the end, we only have ourselves. I am trying to be my own "best friend" because I always have myself. Best wishes, everyone. Thanks for sharing.
Glad your putting in such an effort, it is very painful and sad
So many decent caring individuals experience this in our broken society today.
Take care
Sorry Jango, this is not how it should be. People, families, neighbors should not be cutting each other out. We, humans, are faulty, but we need community. My grandparents always looked to invite a lonely friend or neighbors for dinner, especially Christmas. And it was always even more merry that way. Honestly, it’s sinful to neglect people. We shouldn’t be celebrating our selfishness even if we were victims of it ourselves. It doesn’t lead anywhere. We should all be more civilized to each other. I hope you find a community of interesting and loving people.
Sorry your alone I know the feeling. We have to enjoy self love and love life
I relate to almost every aspect of your life. Sending love.
Same. Don’t even have cousins or friends. The only way to have friends is to do all the calling and going by and doing. If not you don’t exist. I got tired of being giving and getting walked all over like garbage and abandoned by every person I’ve ever known. What’s the point?
Estrangement oh how wonderful, I no longer have to brace myself against the call when she is so hurtful, no longer need to worry about her dropping in. I feel liberated, I feel happy, I feel lighter, just great!
I have experienced estrangement from siblings after dealth of both of our parents.
I think so many of us dont deal with grief and that gets played out with anger and blame.
I used to incorrectly believe this was only the case with me and my siblings. However, I have since read that this is actually very common.
@@privateparty5616 Exactly what happened to me!
@@baja1988_Texas My siblings also.
@@baja1988_Texas Me, too.
If an adult child is abusive you're better off "estranged"
Sometimes adult children are abusive to their parents because their parents abused them for years and are still abusive in their old age so the adult children are reacting. The Adult children need to stay away from their abusive parents because they will end up being blamed and no one will understand that they were victims their whole lives.
Some adult children are abusive due to drugs and alcohol no matter how great of a life you provided them.
When your parent is an adult child who is abusive you're better off "estranged"
My two brothers have no need or desire to have me in their lives. They're busy with their own family. With my parents deceased, it's a lonely time. I occasionally meet gal friends for walks or dinner, but I miss being part of a family.
I’m in the same predicament as you. I chose to have no relationship with my brothers. They always made me feel that I was less than... After some serious issues that happened between us I cut myself out of their lives. My parents are still around, thank goodness, and that is the only family I need. I also have 2 wonderful adult sons and a husband. That’s all I need. No more people bringing me and my family down.
Create your own family of friends. Family can come in many forms. Spend time with those who enjoy your company and accept you and vice a versa. Or maybe once or twice a month plan in advance to meet your brothers and their families for lunch or dinner to start. Separately. Just a thought. Wish you the best.
I miss being part of a family too, it is lonely, keeps me sad. It's one thing if you don't have family, but to have family that are not interested in being part of your life, brings the sadness to another level. I pray for you, that a happier road lies ahead.
Brothers do not care about their sisters especially married brothers.
Brothers tend to be closer to their wife's family. Daughters and their families are normally closer to their parents. Unless brothers intentionally make it a point to see their parents (or maybe his wife) it is very minimal. The Irish saying "a son is a son until he takes him a wife a daughter is a daughter all of her life" . I use to hear it all the time but I never understood it. I'm not Irish. But as I got older I thought oh I
see. Thankfully we were brought up to be close with my mom and dad's family when we were young through teenage and beyond. I have more to say on the subject but I won't lol.
I didn’t realise how common estrangement is . I’ve been made to feel that I was the one with the problem for walking away from my toxic family . It’s good to know that is is very common .
I just walked away from my husbands family . Nothing will ever be the same . But it had to happen and wish it happened sooner and I didn’t get so involved in the family . I never got anyone but somehow I was the glue that held things together. Or maybe I was included to be used .
Nope, I moved to Hawaii
Not all problems is the parents! It is you
less than 10% I think.
@@kimp7977 yeah sure.... 😂
Two days after Mother's Day my daughter and I met up for lunch. It was after we ordered our food and walked to the outdoor patio that I opened up about how I had finally come round to forgiving my Mother for things she failed to do for me when I was a helpless child, age 7. Upon hearing this, my daughter began yelling loudly that she could never forgive me (for what I have no idea) and, although she said she still loved me, she would never forgive me. Then she got up and walked away. I was stunned and mortified! There were two young women sitting two tables away who looked at me with pity in their eyes as I walked past them and left. I haven't spoken to my daughter now for over two months although I have communicated indirectly using text messages. She has not responded. I have been in a turmoil over this and am grateful to have found your comments here on UA-cam. It helps to know we aren't alone.
You are definitely not alone. I’m sending you hugs. 💌
Marlene I had the same experience .heartbreaking for sure .sending hugs x
Oh my friend, I'm so sorry. There is no reasoning with them, it seems. I'm totally estranged from my brother, and mostly from my 46 y.o. daughter. The heart ache never ends.
The hardest part must be not knowing what your daughter was referring to. How can you fix what you didn’t know existed? I’m so sorry.
❤️
It's heartbreaking and soul crushing all at once to have a child that you loved more than life itself and nurtured to the best of your ability suddenly turn on you and cut off all communication. I feel like I can't breathe without it hurting. I don't know how to make my life make sense anymore because so much of my identity is in being a mother.
By reading all those comments, I am relieved but saddened about the fact that there are so many of us suffering in such a horrible way. I am glad I have found this supportive community because I feel like a big part of me is dead.
Part of us has died. A living Hell on earth
Muriel I feel the same way. But I know I can create a life for myself in time without all the hurtful drama my daughter brings. I know what you mean by feeling a big part of you is dead. But now maybe we can replace that part with something better. Hang in there.
@@brendaegan2988 Thank you 🙏 so much for your encouragement and I do try to remain positive. It is so hard though. I wish you all the best. I must say that I never realised that this phenomenon was so widespread. We must help each other. 🙂
I agree. I do not want my estrangement from my daughter. My heart aches and I feel sadness everyday.
@@mariannepolkowski-burns2627 I am praying God brings healing to all our relationships, in Jesus name
I think that my motto, “I’m not ok, you’re not ok, but it’s ok,” really helped me with difficult relationships!
Lol, I love your motto better! For so long, my motto was "nobody wrong, nobody right" so I could remain in my comfort zone -- neutral and loving. Now, I'm mainly alone and this motto barely resonates. Thank you _2020_!
It’s not ok
Thank God for this community. I am not alone in this.
Thanks Cindy for being here.
It has been life saving for me to know I’m not the only one. I greatly value these shared ideas of how to cope, make choices, how to go on and do well.
I'm a retired police officer. I've been to so many domestic violence calls and family issues, that I always remembered thinking how lucky I was to have such a wonderful son when he was growing up. He had the kindest heart and never gave me a lick of problems. And then one day when he was about 25 he just decided he didn't want to see me anymore. That was about 12 years ago. The heartache of missing him, and the constant tears has even given me extremely high blood pressure. it actually pretty much has ruined my life. I'm 69 years old now and wish every day I could just give him a hug. At least I have my faith in Christ.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s heartbreaking to read. I’m sorry that you had to go through so much difficulty and paying. I really hope somehow in the next few years, you can take yourself to a place where you can stop crying and start to enjoy your life and forgive yourself, or forgive him. Or both. I really wish you well
In my experience working with estranged parents, I find those with a faith in Christ can cope better. I am so sorry about your son. May God open his eyes and heart one day.
Thank you I am also 69 years old and we don't know the why? It's painful to say the least 💔 I truly do wonder how I used to feel before this grief type feeling that stays,perhaps I need for myself to pray more as if anyone can help me feel better it has always been my love for jesus yeshua and knowing we are accepted
I miss hugs from my son too - 72 and have not seen him for a year and a half. Even though my son was a handful in high school we always worked things out and were a close happy family. Then he married a substance abusing bipolar woman and it was down hill from there in spite of our efforts to be kind and courteous and supportive yet detached. I am still so very sad but try to keep my spirits up learning how to play the drums and when I want to isolate reach out To appropriate resources. Not everyone is understanding about estrangement. Thank you for sharing.
There are always two sides to estrangement. I am sure you did not want to go deeper. It is just awful that communication breaks down to the point of isolation and estrangement. I will pray that your family finds peace soon.
The hardest thing is to come to the reality that your child, your sibling, your friend doesn't care. You care, but they don't care enough to try even a little. I understand when the problem is serious, something violent or abusive. But so often it is that you just don't agree about something and you come to realize that you don't matter to them at all. When it's your child, you are never free because your child is at the center of your heart and will be the last thing you think about when you leave this earth. When it's your child, you can only wait and watch the horizon, hoping they will grow up.
Hi Connie, That was very thoughtfully spoken. I am experiencing this to some degree with my own children. They are adults but do not understand my need to divorce. It was always in the back ground. It is coming to fruition. It is a bit scary but I don't want backlash from them. I will always love them. I will always be there, too.
Sometimes the parent takes on no responsibility, why the child walks away.
I did this many times with my parents... sometimes
For years...I was abused, and my mom would not see it... who needs that.
I had a life..
I used to think that they didn't care but I don't anymore. I think they're trying to find an identity and they believe they will find it by separating from you. I'll pray for you. I didn't believe my daughter and I would reconnect but we did. That time, although only a month, was traumatic for me. I felt so many emotions--shame was one of them although there was no reason to feel that way. I didn't stop trying though and that love and a lot of prayers brought my daughter back to me.
You explained it perfectly and exactly how I feel - broken hearted every single day...
Beautifully stated.
My grief and pain has been so utterly deep that I sob nearly daily for years now. When something like this utterly comes out of the blue for no apparent reason the understanding of it is so mind boggling and the pain seers to my core. Especially when my 3 and 5 year old grandchildren don't even know me and I have lived for the day to be a grandmother. I have felt all alone and ashamed so I hope this is understood because I'm about to say something that I mean with all love and sincerity from my heart. And that is this: Thank you for your talking about this because not to minimize anyone's pain I find so much comfort in knowing I'm not the only one who has to carry this burden and that there are other women with the same pain and I have a community of women who understand entirely. As we unite may our pain lessen a tad. I know mine has a bit all because of your videos and knowing I'm not so alone. Thank you.
Take care of yourself Debbie. x
@@sarahm3614 I think everyone grieves differently but that’s how I feel exactly. I was looking for the words to say but couldn’t find anything to fit until your comment. Thank you for sharing.And breathe better now I feel we can all sleep a bit better now 🦋
You speak the exact words in my heart. There is no greater pain. Even the death of a child or grandchild has closure eventually.
God bless you and all of us 🙏😢❤
@@phyllisdelatorre6985 wish we could talk
@@ThrifterPickerShipper maybe we can Debbie. Are you on messenger so we can exchange phone numbers?
Are you near California?🙏🤗
I grew up in a large family where estrangement or “shunning” was prevalent. Very damaging. I was a victim of it and I also practiced it. Shameful. I lost my dearest sister to suicide a couple of years ago…we were estranged at the time and I don’t think I will ever recover from that loss. I don’t shun people anymore. Even if we don’t have a good relationship I let them know I am always open to talking.
I’m sorry Jo. Good that you’re going into the future with an open mind and open to discussions.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. It helps me relate to my friend who’s daughter committed suicide. God be with you.
@@rosemarybanner4462 OMG! I experienced that shunning most of my life. I have completely taken myself out of the mess. But, it took me too long. I suffered. My son suffered. I had one sister who would not speak to me for about 3 years. Reason? She thought my outgoing phone message was a cryptic insult to her!!!!!!! And, don't ever let anyone tell you...it's never too late. At 73+ years old, it was too late 20 years ago...but I kept trying. I am saying it can be too late because I realized my son did not know his aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Too many birthdays, holidays, accomplishments, graduations and just hanging out with family had never happened...and now my son had grown up and had a child of his own. So, all this not talking and shunning had gone generational. I remember one day, my son called me and said, Mom, some lady named D>>>>>>>>y had called. She said she was my aunt. Then, it hit me......he had forgotten that she was my sister!!
@@rosemarybanner4462 Wow. That was how differences were handled in my family too. I think, though, my family was extreme. They even shunned me when I lost my only child. The trouble in my family was they never really let you know what you were guilty of. When my sister finally spoke to me after another 2 years for some offense, I asked her what happened. Her reply was, "you told mommy you didn't like my lamp". I was stunned as I had not been in her home for 15 years....maybe longer. I did not know what lamp she was talking about even!!! How do you even respond to this madness.
I think people shut other people out to avoid confrontation. I know it happens alot in my family. We all need to learn how to communicate better.
Nearly everyone in the community - nearly everyone you meet - asks about your kids. If the truth is told about estrangement, it seems that public judgement and shame nearly always fall upon the parent(s). Even if mental illness or criminality on the part of the adult child is involved, judgement still seems to fall upon the parent or parents. So, you feel really alone already, because of the estrangement, and then the reaction of the community reinforces that feeling of aloneness and the tendency toward self-blame. Talk about feeling alone!
But hold the knowledge that you are FAR from alone, and many DO understand. Easier said than done, I know, but it's true.
Yes
In my experience the shame and judgement falls on the adult children...EVEN when they were the victims of abuse...of course there are always exceptions, but in general it's the children (young and adult) that suffer 😵💔😪 imho😇
@@Bhanoo4UTube hard agree
running into people was the worst for me.
Don't depend on others to make your life worthwhile. That is too much responsibilty to place on others.
Yes, seen in the "light", it's comical and 'for naught'!
Very wise thing you said.
It’s wise but extremely difficult for me because I love all my daughters equally, including the estranged one. I love and feeling loving toward others brings me joy and contentment.
This is why most estranged parents are narcissists
they demand the happy happy family life with children, a dog and the happy happy white picket fence fantasy and they kids are to blame life isn't their parents childish fantasy
Its when you become a adult person and notice your parents are spoiled rotten adult children living an illusion.
This is why people leave.
A Mother is only as happy as her saddest child.💔
Realizing that family who you love, don’t love you in the same way, it so devastating and demoralizing. Especially when it’s your own children …I feel like I’m only here if they need something from me, and other than that they couldn’t care less about me - as a human being. I don’t know how it got this way….all their lives all I wanted for them was to feel loved and happy, I did everything I could for them, especially difficult as a single parent with no help. For some reason I thought they would notice that and love and respect me. I thought wrong 😢 I feel so heart broken
I 100% understand and live with this. It's just the worst and Im sorry.
My girls are the same. Always got a problem, everything I say do and think is wrong, showed them love and got a big pile of sh** at the end. My son is kind but never there for anyone and moved 6 states away. So I’m disabled and down to zero.
I believe that if your adult child wipes out your existence from their life without an explanation as to what you have wrongly done, it’s because they have been influenced by others.
Sometimes this can happen but most times its your kid is so hurt by trying with you to get needs, wants, communications, respect, boundaries or other things and you've not heeded them, respected them or the boundaries they set with you, or you did the opposite shut it down or admonished them. They have so much pain so many piled up unresolved things with you they can't be in your presence anymore.
If your kid left due to influence by others once that other is gone contact may actually return we had this happen with our elder sibling they got married to a spouse that warred with the family day 1 & it turned into the sibling left us, left their religion, and went no contact if we found through the family grape vine their phone number and contacted this sibling they'd change their number, if we ran into them in public even though their beef was with the parents they'd not speak to the siblings long and look haunted when in contact with the siblings they also wrote out even the youngest who was to young to have done anything to them. So years after the divorce this sibling will take phone calls but not many at all they're more at grey rock status but won't change their phone if you call them.
Normally your kid estranges cuz they gave you years of changes and rope and even vocal directions on how to treat them or a repeating situation and you didn't heed it so they decided you won't change and they can't live with that it hurts too much.
Nope. I disowned my mom in my early thirties and it had nothing to do with others, it was all her and her behavior and treatment of me. There is only so much abuse or mistreatment a person is willing to take, even if they are your child. We have mended fences since then, fortunately. But it was only after she was willing to admit she hadn't been the best mother and had caused me a lot of unnecessary pain. My elderly next door neighbor has latched on to me because both her son and daughter have cut her out of their lives, too. I don't know why, but she is very clingy and intrusive and has poor boundaries.
Absolutely!
@@destroyraiden What a hateful comment. You have absolutely no proof that this is the case. Estrangement is very common now, like an epidemic, and can be caused by many things, divorce and influence by one parent, being one cause. Mental illness and Autism are causes also. Social media being another, teaching our children that they are the most important thing in the World and that all else is disposable. You cannot speak for anyone else, you have no proof of ANYTHING that you have stated as fact. What a nasty comment you have made.
@@torreygreen6794 Most people who lack boundaries is because they were never taught it, the concept is foreign and the conversations, that are being had now within younger generations, just wasn't there. They should have support groups, to teach older generations how to
I know a few people in my life that are impacted by estrangement, and recently, I have been cut out of a nieces life, her choice, not mine...but some relationships are irreparable and so toxic, it's better to remove yourself from it. I deserve peace in my life.
Yes, you surely do 💞
It is so heartbreaking and in my life I never thought I would experience it but now I am!
Me too. Thanks for sharing. Good to know I’m not the only one.
@@grateful7420 - Me three. I see so many neighbors, coworkers, Facebook families etc. that all seem close and get together for the holidays, summer events, and vacations, and I have always thought WHY can't this be me. Why did I get discarded. Why can't my siblings be normal loving people. Why did my daughter turn out to be an ungrateful bitter brat. I guess it's good to know I'm not alone in this, but I am lonely......
I also could never imagine experiencing this heartache. I am 61, lost my job 2 years ago and am estranged from my son and granddaughter.. I have nothing to live for. I can’t imagine creating a life in which I find joy without the 2 people I love the most. Everyday I exist/survive.
I am so grateful for finding this channel.
@@dianamaldonado6440 you do have something to live for, yourself! You are not defined by your children. You have to find a life that is for you. I learned something when me daughter shut me out. That I could go on without her if so. We now are talking again. I also realized that I had to learn to let go of her some.
Its such a broken feeling, its awful knowing its permanent..my friends have great relationships with their daughters and i will never have it. 5 yrs of total sadness..when does it stop hurting
Margaret, I hope you see this comment. I believe this has been one of the most important and relevant topics ever discussed within our community/family here. We have so much empathy to share with each other, and it helps immensely. Just knowing we are not alone in our pain is very comforting. Please continue to discuss these type of topics, as well as the makeup, fashion, etc. There is a great need for many of us here. Thank you so much for all you do! Rosemarie 💖
Thanks for sharing Rosey!! I have been very moved by the responses we've had to this topic. Knowing you are not alone has been the one consistent theme and I am so happy to be able to add value and support. x
@@sixtyandme Thank you Margaret 🌹
I’m grateful that I found you guys I’m very sad for all of us. God Bless us all🙏❤️ I’m new I hope some of you will share with me !
Yes, I agree Thank you!
Estrangement from 2 of my grandchildren since my son past is shattering me.
I have been estranged from my oldest child for 4 years, he took my grandchildren and disappeared. It has been heart wrenching.
I know your pain! I'm sorry this has to happen to any parent!
I’m so sorry! ❤️
Why?
What if u don't know why it happened? It's the worst feeling. I just send my cares and prayers to God🙏
Yes! This is the hardest part for me. Why it happened?
Most cases they just don't want to remember
If they don't know why they are dysfunctional.
This is a topic that could use volumes more 💕 exposure on your channel.
Many senior women today suffer from estrangement of one kind or another.🙄 They have invested so much of their lifetime energy, love, and devotion to someone who now has chosen not to respond/reciprocate in kind - creating a huge void in the lives of these women. 🤔
These " family members" have chosen to distance himself/ herself/ or themselves for some unexplained reason.😳
Such a major loss in the lives of senior women can be a major health & morbidity factor. 🙄
🌹❤️
They estranged for a reason. They don't owe you anything and it was you choice to bring them into the world and your responsibility to give them your all, and they don't owe you anything for doing that. That was the job you signed up for. You are supposed to respect your kids so by the time they become adults they will want to be with you. Because they want to, not because they are obliged to.
@@annad3377 Grow up.
@@torycook1215 lol. You sound in denial.
Thank you for your loving response.
Anna D, what a sad way of seeing things. I hope you can find healing if it is hurts that brought you to it. Forgiveness brings healing. No parent is perfect. Yes, some are terrible, but most do the best they can. My dad made a lot of mistakes, but I still love him and am thankful for him and all that he did for us. He did better than he was treated. As a young adult I saw that and grew in my appreciation of him. We had some rough times, but I'm forever grateful that we forgave each other and grew to saying 'I love you' and showing it regularly. I made mistakes, too, and wish I'd been a more perfect parent, but I am proud of my adult children who love me in because of and in spite of myself. I hope that you grow into a new and better perspective of that kind of love. There are legitimate times to back off with healthy boundaries, but the entitlement mentality cannot hold a candle to a grateful, loving heart.
What is done is done. Lessons learned. Move on. Take back your powers every day in every way. And remember you can never have an ex-Mom. Your child will always be your child. But his/her life belongs to him/her. Send them love every day and stop picking your wound. Give yourself permission to heal and be happy today.
Marie ~ Your words speak more to me than you’ll ever know.
So true. Why is it so hard to let go of the responsibility of a child even after they are grown and gone.
@Laurie Hudson you're a good woman. 😘
This really speaks to me. Thanks so much.
Amen! Be well ♥️
I’m estranged from my oldest daughter . It’s not what I wanted, believe me. I’ve tried to reach out to her so many times. All I can do is pray . It breaks my heart so much, I cry every day it is devastating .
Hang in there.
Sorry for your sadness, you are still a loving caring mum take care
You are not alone
You're definitely not alone. Take care of you!
❤❤❤🎉
I've worked the last 2 years to break the cycle with my adult children. I listen to them, & have gotten to know them as human beings, & they've done the same, working to get to know me as a woman, & not just their mom, we are so close now, & we actively & consciously work on it weekly, sometimes daily. I've never been happier or more fulfilled. I pray all mother's & father's & adult children can humble themselves enough to hear each other out & grow in their relationships. It's never too late to apologize & say I love you. Be kind, & be patient. My 3 daughters weren't ready when I was, & I had to respect that. I wanted them to get to see the new me right away but it took time, I had to earn their trust. Now they can't get enough of me and they all call me everyday, All Praises to Yahawah!!!!!
I woke up to 2 hilarious texts from 2 of my daughters. My 3rd daughter is probably too busy chasing my 2 year old grandson around the house to text 🤣 After she became a mom our entire relationship changed b/c she finally understood. I worked my butt off as a nurse, & raised my children in the best neighborhoods & the best schools. They had a muuuuch better childhood than I everrrr had, & still, when they grew up they declared that they had the worst childhood ever, & it was all my fault smh. Now I get calls from my daughter who is a mom apologizing for everything. She says things like "mom I don't know how you did it with 4 of us, I only have one 🤣" & "omg mom you didn't ruin my life, this little boy is ruining mine, which means I must have ruined yours 🤣". Hindsight & a little perspective can go a long way 🤣🤣🤣🤣 My daughter allowed me to spend the 1st year of my grandson's life with her helping with him & our relationship grew astronomically. And this past year without me she really got a taste of what being a mother is all about, & she's amazing at it. Still, I tell her, one day he'll look you dead in your eyes after all you've done & sacrificed, & he'll tell you that you ruined his childhood 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Ohhhh we get a good laugh out of that!!!!
Not common nor available to most people.
@@maryisrael5652 just wait until a daughter goes for marriage counseling and all THEIR problems are from "family of origin" meaning you. Good luck then.
Same I had to allow myself to just listen. I prayed a lot to be able to hear not so much words but her pain fear and hurt without interrupting or defending. My daughter just wanted to be heard. We've worked through so much history. Now we miss each other when we are a part in separate states.
Whatever….
After many years of struggling my relationship with my siblings I cut all ties with must of them and is better for me .
Me too. 20 years of bliss. I wish them well, well away from me. Unfortunately my 1 sis died May 2020 (no autopsy so do not know if covid - still did not have a funeral service or something similar). I did not their toxic relationships with me and themselves also for that matter
@@AMTSA1 My mother was not invited to my sister’s funeral because mom denied sister’s abuse and would have made the funeral “all about herself”. TRUE. My brother had “nothing good to say” about my mother when she died. I cut off my last sister due to her lies & narcissism. A sad mess.
I didn't realize how toxic my siblings were until my mom developed Alzheimer's and I got tricked into living with her to extend the amount of time she could be independent. That's when the real abuse from the siblings began. I took seven years of "incidents" before the final trigger when I cut off all ties with them. I was an emotional, physical and mental mess when I hobbled away. One crazy thing I will never understand is the level of anger they displayed toward me, the one who was doing all the work. For example, my mom's sister came to visit one time. I bought a bunch of special groceries on Weds so the house would be stocked with food. Thursday, before I got home from work (very stressful trying to race home by 5:30pm before Alzheimer mom would start "cooking"), traffic was bad and by the time I got home, Mom had taken all the groceries and combined them in four huge pots on the stove "making soup". All ruined. I couldn't go out that night to replace but calculated that if I got into work early Friday, worked through lunch, I'd have just enough time to shop and get home before my aunt arrived. On the way home, I was involved in a four car accident on the freeway (not my fault). Needless to say, by the time I got home, my aunt had gone to the store and shopped for things she wanted. She totally understood and was more concerned about my accident. A week later, after my aunt left, my sisters called a special family meeting. The purpose was to tear me a new one. I was told that next time a visitor comes I better be sure that the kitchen is stocked. When I again described the extenuating circumstances, I was told, with great anger from my sisters, that those were no excuses. I was shocked and frozen in place and all I could do was mumble agreement. There are hundreds of stories like this to tell that unfolded over the years. But, bottom line is, my sisters were genuinely very angry with me and felt entitled to be angry. In their minds, I was lazy, incompetent and an embarrassment for not getting the groceries. I see it from their side, but they refused to see any of it from my side since they were not living with the chaos that a person descending into Alzheimer's creates. They just fell back into the old dysfunctional family role of blaming me, the scapegoat, for everything. The whole experience plunged me into a dark night of the soul. I have still not recovered from it. I'm like a prisoner of war trying to return to life before the war. Forever changed. I just hope I can heal from this but the loneliness and isolation is real. I have a hard time looking in the mirror because physically, I see the faces of my abusers looking back at me. Unfortunately, I physically resemble my siblings. Anyway, thanks for this topic and yes, it's better for me to cut ties.
@@mm669 sorry you went through all of that.
Making new friends and "adopting" new family is sometimes necessary.
Many people do this..
You hear them say..
"They are like a sister to me"
--Also on the note that you look like your siblings... You could change your hair color and completely different hair style and make up.. Different clothes..etc changing your appearance so you don't SEE them when YOU look in the mirror.
A make over creayes a fresh start and new beginnings.
Hope you do d Wkat you need in life.
Look forward to what good things are coming your way.
Look for them.
@@mm669 it's unbelievable to me how some siblings don't take any responsibility for care of their parents. But it happens in most families.
I think we need to build a community strong of women. In old days that was normal. We need to do it again and be very active. If everyone did just a little it's possible.
I have heard from many females the same complaint: that women are "catty" and it is so difficult to establish a real, genuine relationship because of the fear of betrayal. society is JUST NOT what it once to be; and it is time we accept that and stop trying to live in a fantasy.
We Are doing just that!
I'm in HIPPIE CHICKS MOMMA, let's do this...I'm in Kennebunk, Maine
@@passinthru4788 I have one friend from 40 years ago. Her hubby had a massive stroke n she's sick too don't leave much time for getting together
@@elizabethtrainer9732 I'm in West Va not sure how to do it. Online is good but I was thinking at a local level as well. I have Covid as we speak my friend from Church brought me out homemade bread lol n fresh butter . I tied to eat it n it taste Horrible lol. Coke cola taste Horrible anyway maybe after Covid is over we can put our heads together
I have watched “generational estrangement” since I was a child but did not understand what was happening. My great grandmother longed to visit her son, my grandmother longed for her daughter, my mother and eldest daughter to me, now my youngest daughter has been recruited along with grandchildren. We are all educated, self sufficient, and “Godly”people, but this excluding versus including seems to be a growing social issue.
Thank you for addressing this.
Yes, I agree estrangement it is growing in our society
Religions are not all equal conceptually, there are exclusive faiths, inclusive faiths, and pluralistic faiths. Inclusion categorizes most in America (the spiritual equivalent to live and let live, but we all know who is right), and we all are aware of the exclusive forms out there. True pluralism is rare and typically is among the pantheistic faiths. Religion can and does tear families apart and Matthew 10:34-39 doesn't mince words about this. So I don't know where the apologetics about inclusion and love come from. Religion, far more than politics, though they are always related, is the big issue in our family. And to be perfectly fair to the other party in my personal situation, I cannot blame them, they are following what their faith demands.
Following what their faith demands in this context seems like an unfortunate reflection of that faith. I find some Godly people in the mix are judgmental, facilitating estrangement and tearing families apart, as mentioned. Some will read you Scripture telling you how to live, when their actions consistently demonstrate differently. Religion unfortunately can promote rigidity and closemindedness, laying the groundwork and even justifying estrangement, most often of those who fall short of their Godly definition. All too often, as paradoxical as it may seem.
The burn of the betrayal never ceases. My situation is a Looong horrible story, as I never expected my son to abandon me. Parental Alienation mixed with estrangement makes for a very distressing way to have to live.
It's a cruelty for sure. Why are there so many of us? The world is upside down!
Sad....but children have their own lives to live. In the old days, because of living arrangement everyone lived in the same yard/ house grandparents, parents, kids and taking care of anyone was a shared task. But in these times having kids with the expectation that they will be with parents all the time is no longer realistic. Adult children know that they have their soul's mission to attend to....they have become more aware of the purpose of life and trying to work towards serving their purpose, which does not necessarily means taking care of parents. Hence the reason there are so many Homes for the Aged, a thing that was not heard of in times gone by. So new parents need to plan their life and finances with the expectation that kids may not be around....many will want to,because they love their parents/ uses them as baby sitters, but this caregiver task creates emotional conflict within adults children, who must share their time attending to their home, their spouse and kids, and taking care of parents....this could negatively affect the marriage of these children. From early on people need to have their insurance business in place to relieve that onerous task from their adult children. Times have changed and many will be hurt....but it is the new reality.
@@marylott6186 It is the cruelest punishment of all and one I would never be able to bestow upon anyone, let alone a loving parent who tried their best.
@@jillsinanan6777 Ok, that is all fine and dandy. But, totally ignoring a parent as if they do not exist. I don't get that at all.
Barbara Fowler : Well it is not ignoring them...there are visits, phone calls of course, just that the same way parents plan for their retirement financially, they must plan for old age and what may come with that and plan for it - the adult children could be involved in the planning - when would the parent(s) want to be taken to a home for aged, would they prefer assisted living arrangement, what about illness, would they want to remain on life support system or not. It is an emotional act, very much like preparing a Will. That way everyone knows, and adult children can live their own lives without feeling guilty - those who want to be around will do so even if other plans are put in place. The emotional attachment still remains, just that the practical issues are sorted out long before it is an issue.
The quote from Shakespeare's character King Lear, is: "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is, to have a thankless child".
He failed to mention abusive parents
This is so true! How soon they forget.
How hard it is to mistake the thankless child for the honest one.
@@MsElke11 - The ‘truth tellers’ are very unpopular within the dysfunctional family.
@@jayneweaver8695 "Abusive". Interesting and very bandied about word. While I think I understand your use of it, and I understand my use of it, it's been proven that one persons paper cut is anothers ER visit. I've heard people say their parents are abusive because they didn't get their favorite cereal or took their phone away for 3AM selfie sessions. TRUE abusers, unrepentantly so? RUN. Miffed over some lil' occasional discipline? Get a grip and honor the parents who sacrificed to keep you alive when you were a squawling, demanding, diaper wearing lil' critter who would've died without said sacrifices of theirs. TC~
I am right now..... my daughter has done this recently. I'm 72...disabled... and left to fend for myself. She's moving out of state. There's a lot more to the story.... but never thought this would happen.
Hang in there!🙏🌸
This estrangement between my son and myself has deprived me of being grandma to my five beautiful grandchildren that I’ve been very close to and now I have not seen for a year and a half the pain is so great
Yes, Margaret..I've experienced it more than once, both with friends and family. It hurts when it's a friend; with a child, it is infinitely more painful. I've had friends tell me I was, "like a sister", only to walk out of my life. Also, I realize I made my mistakes as a mother; however, on the whole, I always tried to do the right thing. That is no guarantee that our children will love and/or revere us in the end. It's extremely sad. Thank you so much for addressing this relevant (and tough) topic. Rosemarie 💖
When my daughter and I became estranged after years of her abuse I went through all of the stages of grief. Been over it for a while now. I can go months and not even think of her. I’m no longer used, hurt, or abused by a narcissist. I have peace. I still have a relationship with my adult grandchildren. That’s my blessings.
I do think that grief therapy is in order for estrangement. It is a loss, like a death, but without any community acknowledgement or support as there would be for a death. It is the loneliest thing to go through. And there is shame too!
The pain is a physical pain that I have never felt. I’m in the depths of my despair and cry regularly. It’s been almost two years since my grown daughters have spoken to me. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. You do the best that you can. I just don’t understand, they are all successful and I am so very proud of who they have become. We faced trials and life’s tribulations together and now they won’t even answer a text. No amount of therapy has helped me and I’m desperate and losing hope. Im in the middle of a life crisis and the fear of facing it without them terrifies me . I have a significant other and he tries but he just doesn’t understand. At times I think he is suspicious of what it IS that I could have done. All I can say is “if I knew I would fix it.” I’m just so lost. 😢 my children were my reason for being …And my life.
I lived with blame, criticism, demands, until the camels back was broken, my parents are now in their 90s! wish I had estranged myself from the pain when I was young! Best thing I ever did for myself was to break the relationship, I am happy, have many friends, I am free! LIFE is good!
So why did you turn your back on your parents?. If they abused you mentally or physically, I can understand that,,, but A lot of selfish kids do that when they had great loving parents.
yes! but they still want to drive that knife in when they can, i expect it after they pass too
@@beverlybalius9303 "A lot of selfish kids do that when they had great loving parents." Truer words have never been spoken!
This is truth. I am going through this type of situation with my adult daughter. My heart ❤️ cries in pain. Life isn’t fair, I know. I just got tired of being used, financially.
My mother is a malignant narcissist and I don't love this woman. I am 62 and she is 82 and have worked hard (off and on) all my adult life in therapy moving on from her physical and emotional abuse. I have received wonderful help. I have to stay away from her or I will die. Period. I want to be present for my husband, 3 daughters and grandchildren. So, estrangement with her is a good choice. And, honestly, she doesn't care.
I understand when you say it’s a matter of life or death to be around toxic people. They will make you ill… Good for you!
@ Elizabeth Cameron. I have the same problem with my mother .just vile . She is 85 and gets worse every year .have in the last 6 months stopped all contact with her . Feel guilty but can finally breathe . Unfortunately she now controls my daughters . She has money and pays them to take care of her . It's unbelievable what this woman has done and there is no talking to her . Sometimes we have to go it alone x
I had to cut my mother off for the same reason! I am paying the price from my siblings now that this woman is dead. She went to EVERY family member and told them how mean I was and how she didn’t know what she had done. How do you fight a dead person? Especially one who rewrite history, even when it’s recent history.
@@cindyc3183 Hi cindy , there is no answer as to why our mother's behave the way they do . Mine has also told my daughters a pack of lies about me over the years . Feel like I'm forever defending myself to everyone . All I know is my mother is a very cruel and bitter old woman .
God bless you, all of us in this situation know it is excruciating to be in the relationship and worse to leave b/c the entire family only listens to the sick parent. But my life has improved and I'm thriving, you sound very wise and loving.
I lost so much sleep, cried so many tears, trying to figure out why my kids cut ties with me so suddenly and without warning or explanation. I've finally realized that they just don't care enough to get to know me as a person. I have a feeling that my ex has poisoned their minds against me forever, and no matter what I say, they think I'm lying. It's their loss, but my heart has a gaping cavernous wound in it that will never go away. I cannot change the way they feel towards me, and frankly, too much damage has been done to ever heal. I am without closure, in pain and very angry, but I'm learning to let them go, which pains me to even say. This is not where I expected to be at this time of life. I'm 58, no grandchildren( I don't know for sure), no husband and a severe health issue to deal with. But my kids don't care, they never will. Their cold heartedness is what shocks me most. I really thought I taught them more empathy than that. But I have been disposed of. I am of no use for them because of my lack of resources. They a couple of users, and I'm not usable. I'm letting them go. If they're happier that way, so be it.
Unfortunately in most cases empathy can't be taught, it has to be felt. I don't know if that's the right word, but having lived in a family where there was no empathy from any of the family I have no other way to explain it. I had to walk away from my family because I couldn't deal with it anymore, especially the fear of physical abuse
I feel like I could have written your post. Literally I am in the same boat
My sister used to have a poster that said, “ If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” I think, especially regarding family members, we can create conflict because we have expectations for the relationship. If we can learn that we do not owe each other anything, then we can be truly free and the relationship can be free. Just like breathing, we can have times of inhale (closeness) and exhale (separateness). Just breathe.
Nice thought, but hard to do when there are Grandchildren involved, who are being estranged from those who love them with no choice in the matter. Hard to breathe and take the patient high road when every day you feel THAT loss in your life. Especially when you weren't an abusive or negligent or "mean" parent. When your child doesn't want to deal with your aging, or pay back a loan, or stop playing victim for attention and sympathy from others, or deal with their mental or substance abuse issues, etc. When THEY estrange, that's one thing. When they hold their children hostage, it's quite another. You're right, tho~ STILL gotta breathe, just to survive.
Yes, I did see that youtube video about estrangement from your adult children. I was so grateful for that. Up to then, I thought I was alone in that. I continually racked my brain to try to figure out what I may have done wrong. Now I know it is more common than I thought. And I can handle it better. No more shame. Sometimes life circumstances just are as they are. Move forward, find another life,
Could you put up a link?
Me too. It helps to know I’m not alone in this heartbreaking Struggle.
@@grateful7420 None of us are alone in this. Estrangement is becoming an epidemic! Glad some are brave enough to speak and write of it, for the aid of VERY many.
It’s heartbreaking, but you can’t change it once they are married and off on their own.
So sad for me.
I'm ashamed and haven't talked to anyone about the situation. When asked about my daughter i just reply. "She's well thank you for asking".
I'm 76 she's 43 and she's moving on I'm stuck bewildered and sad. Tried to reach her but silence. 😪
You nailed it when you quoted mothers who said it's the cut that won't heal; the sadness that will not abate. And it does affect the entire family. There's an undercurrent of sadness for our missing family member at every event. We talk about her as if she is dead which just kills me.
As a mother of three with two of them distancing themselves because their spouses don't like us was hard at first. Through prayer and self reflection, I've found it's best to concentrate on the one child that truly loves us and shares his life with my husband and I. We truly love our son, daughter in law, and our grandson and it takes away the sting of not having a relationship with our other 5 grandchildren.
I feel like I was born into an estranged family. There was no real love, just constant unexpressed resentments, hurts, jealousy, criticism and backbiting. My youngest brother, five years older than I, particularly hated me, and showed me that hatred every day. And, one aunt, whom my mother adored, was just plain evil. She even openly practiced witchcraft. Some of the things she took part in would make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up if I shared them here.
It's heartbreaking to have grown up in such a "family". Estrangement was pretty much my only option short of losing my mind or committing suicide. 😪
I can totally relate to you.
Moving forward. Because they never look back. Or find ways to blame you
Finding friends who care, a life you enjoy, may be the only solution.
If you are a caring person, it will hurt always. But not take over your right to your life
Has a person really forgiven you if they say they have but never want to have anymore to do with you? I feel like it will be the rest of our lives' punishment.
Wow this is my upbringing you have described, but not the witch craft I don’t think.. it was always a mystery to me, now I totally get it and feel like a load has been lifted from my mind.😀
You did the right thing. Now you can live your life without it being poisoned.
Have similar upbringing. Mother’s family was totally dysfunctional & she passed it on to we, her children. Father’s family also dysfunctional; he was DISOWNED when he was 13 or 14 - did not personally witness their aberrations. Messed up parents were born by messed up parents. Hopefully with social media & the blossoming awareness of NPD, future generations may have a chance. 🤷🏻♀️
This is heart-rending. Perhaps it may comfort people to consider that 2 major forces are destroying families (and to push back against them):
1) the worship of victimhood that is enshrined by "Woke" philosophy
2) the rejection by society of faith & Christianity. Love of God stabilizes all other relationships.
Victims don't worship their victim hood, they are victims of others actions.
Speaking as a daughter who broke off the relationship with the mother, the trigger event was her decision to leave everything she had ever worked for (and penny-pinched) to her horrible 2nd husband, whom she detested with a passion.
She was never a warm or generous mother (to us) but my younger sister and I gave her our devotion and care because she was our mother and that's what good daughters do. It was expected.
She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer several years ago and my sister and I immediately left our own families to care for her and her semi-invalid (nasty) husband. We didn't give it a 2nd thought.
We had been there a month when my sister needed to return home briefly. I stayed of course. Cooking, cleaning, animal care, doctor visits, etc. Not a problem until one of the trips involved changing her will making sure the 2nd husband inherited everything. Even her friends were shocked.
But this gave me that moment of clarity I had needed my entire life. My sister and I had "chased" our mother's affection all our lives. We were always dutiful and respectful, never expecting anything even as she described being generous to other people, even strangers. And yes, I expected my sister and I to be in her will because that's what a loving parent does, right?
💡I packed my bags and went back to my husband and son. I've never looked back and I'm much happier now. I am free of all the criticisms, the not measuring up, etc
Sadly, my sister is still chasing maternal love and approval. I became the bad guy. Ever the victim, my mother claims hurt and I'm labeled money-mad. Nope, just mad at being manipulated for over 50 years.
Sad at losing my sister and my nieces.
Thank you. That was good therapy, lol
So your care for your Mum was only because you thought you'd be in her will?
I feel your pain .. and your mother’s loyalty should be with her daughters, financially and every way. In the same way you put her first to look after her.
Sweet girl, you need to reread what I wrote. I dont care if all my mother had to give us was $1 each. I care that she never wanted to gift us at all. Ever. It revealed her true loyalty and we (my sister and I) never had it. She was always generous with those she wanted to impress. It was a form of cruelty and control that my sister and I give to her and not complain or else. FREEDOM is a beautiful thing and I have it. 🙏🏻
@@amethystfeathers7324 Wow. You missed the entire point. Wow.
Good for you. Bravo. I have a similar story. I came to behave as an adult, not a needy child who tolerated her criticism and jealousy. Good for you.
To lose a mother is one of THE most devastating events in a person's life.... but for that person to CHOOSE it so for themselves, is a trama for their mother that is relived by her every day.
It's as though you not only grieve the death of your child but are living with the guilt that (at least in their mind) you are responsible for their death as well.
My son cut me off last summer, blaming me for his failed life, and huge political ideology differences I wouldn’t debate with him. I Thought I was coping well until I found out he got married a week ago from a common friend’s Facebook post. Very sad to not be a part of his life event.😟
Things may change drastically in a good way in the future..
As time goes on and life changes for your son he may be warmer towardsords you.
I've seen it happen as children get older and have children of their own
Oh yes, the political thing, happened to me too.
I’ve experienced the same ! I remember that I was here in this life first so I’m making my life first now.
Been there, like a twist of the estrangement knife, Facebook is a double edged sword. We begin to mistrust ourselves and our entire world when we realize a gut punch may be around the next corner. It is exhausting.
He might warm up when he needs a babysitter in the future... They are so self-serving.
I am very grateful that my adult children still want me in their lives. We vacation together every year and see each other quite regularly. As for friends who just stop without giving a reason, it's difficult at first but then, acceptance comes in because friendship has to be voluntary. My heart goes out to family members who have been estranged. ❤️
It seems like most of the people commenting here are children who have chosen to reject their parents. To those parents who are rejected, I hope you won't suffer as long as I did. Read about the five stages of grief. The final stage is acceptance. It feels great to accept that my child rejected me, for whatever reason - she wouldn't say. But I do accept it and pray for her. I love her regardless, and I go on with my life MUCH preferring to be around people who want to be around me. I would never have done that to my mother, even though my mother beat me and was an alcoholic. I was neither of those things to my daughter so I wondered for years why she wouldn't speak to me. Now, I just don't care anymore. I'm having a full and happy life that doesn't include her and as much as I've prayed about this, I can only conclude that God hasn't restored this relationship as a protection to me. I do pray for my daughter and her family and wish her well.
Your phrase here “I would never have done that to my mother even though my mother beat me and was an alcoholic” shows that you are traumatized, not healed, a poor example to your daughter and completely unsympathetic to her as well. You lack empathy and assertiveness, at least where familial relationships are concerned, so it’s obvious to me why your daughter chooses to estrange herself. It’s disappointing that no one else has called you out here before now.
I think that by choosing to live the best way you can you made the right decision. Accepting what is is assertive.
What do you mean your daughter "wouldn't say" why she rejected you? Daughters don't just leave for no reason--they need their mothers. You gave birth to her and raised her--you changed her diapers and fed her and saw her every day of her life for decades and you have no clue what the problem was? You do know and you won't admit it. You are hiding behind "I'm a Good Christian Woman" , God videos and God God God--they are listed on your link. My mother is a malignant narcissist, and that's what she tells people too--that she had no idea why I left. They believe her, and if they happen to meet me their jaw drops and they look at her in amazement, because I am a nice person whom she described as an ogre. I would never have left my mother without very good reasons--I thought about it seriously for eight years while consulting with counselors who all said "if it were me I'd leave--you should have been a felon with the way you grew up" and then ignored everything and tried again and again until I just couldn't hurt myself anymore and had to leave to protect myself. I wonder what YOUR daughter would say?
I'm sad to see commenters taking their own emotional trauma out on a complete stranger. I'm sorry your daughter left and I'm happy you're in a good place now with it.
May God bless and keep both you and your daughter 🙏
@@ca147 We are all "complete strangers" talking about our lives, so that's just the way it goes on these sites. May Buddha bless you!
Having a narcissistic parent is like death by a thousand cuts - get out and stay out!
You nailed it! Yes, death by thousand cuts.
Many parents are not narcissistic however. Getting out and staying out isn’t a mature way to handle things. At some point in life.the decision to be sincere and honest without hurting feelings must be learned and adapted. The greatest problem is lack of communication. Many times there can be feelings from parents that are not expressed and children have no idea that parents are suffering. Then children are not very good with life management skills and self isolate. They become irritated and perceive things defensively because of the stress. Both sides feel shame. Also. Children’s feelings of inadequacy causes them to want to do everything alone and to prove they can do things. As a form they disguise this shame with contempt and close off in order to bolster their egos so no one knows how they truly feel.
You know what’s death by a thousand cuts? Feeling alone. But the truth is that everyone feels alone including those who are “faking it until making it.” The children are alone too and that’s how the marriages become strained and the percentages of marriages today going into divorce are increasing like never before
When parents send cards, children hardly will say thank you for the gesture but they won’t ever be forgotten. It is shame that keeps everyone apart & it’s terrifying for parents and children to admit it. The egos preserve one another for the sake of the vanity to appear put together, to appear perfect. At the end of the day, every one feels guilty and ashamed and anger conceals the truth because shifting blame just let’s them off the hook for one day longer. Parents really are suffering. Children just still feel like they need to prove themselves and want no help and this is where this begins. It’s heartbreaking. Also, a big problem these days is that you’re seeing many young married mothers putting a lot of weight on husbands over emotional things that eventually strain the marriage. They lack the maturity grappling through adolescent issues and exhausting their husbands enough to cause divorces. Daughters today do not have the feminine support because they don’t know or understand previous generations of support from women and today they are more alone than ever. In the past men were less strained than today and women were able to manage better because inter generations of women in families and communities supported one another.
My father left my mother for another woman and and her 2 rotten kids when I was 3 years.
I have trouble with this even now.
I'm still so angry that I am still treated like a second class citizen by him and those 2 wicked children she had.Stepmother died a slow death with small cell sarcoma
@@audrealambert9583 oh my gosh🥺 I cant even imagine how sad and difficult that was and is to process... you were only 3 years old. This is so sad and I really feel sad for you and angry too. I had two evil stepparents too...but different circumstances. I realized decades later that I had to give it to God....all my pain, suffering, bad thoughts etc...I had to be free of them and asked God to please take them for me...that I had no strength for it anymore....after decades....and He did. That was the only way I could move on and not dwell on these things. It’s not easy but it works. Thank you Papa God! Please give Audrea a hug from me and relieve her of the trauma. It’s been too long. 🌈❤️🙏🌺
@@CatsInHats-S.CrouchingTiger very insightful. Industrialization caused women to have to work outside the home . This causes the intergenerational support of women and family to break down. This is why we struggle so much today both physically and emotionally.
Such a great topic for you to cover. Yes many suffer from estrangement not knowing where to turn. It’s a difficult situation, Thank you for taking the time to make this video. Very appreciative. 🙏🏻
I will never be the same after the estrangement from my adult child. I would never in a million years guess this would have happened. Devastated!
Me too. Its going on six months. My precious grandchildren are being deprived of my love.
I’m new I need to share with you guys it’s been 14 years it broke my heart holidays Birthdays is very difficult for me . I would very much appreciate some one would reply God Bless Bonita
I feel the same way
I hear you I feel the same I want people that understand what I’m going through 14 years my Son it doesn’t get easier for m! God Bless Bonita
@@bonitalaudone7505 I'm so sorry. I wish I could offer you comfort. We all are heartbroken. 🌹
My son's wife has alienated me from my grandchildren and my son I have tried to make peace but she doesn't want it. My son just says I'm married with 5 children what can he do? I've suggested he just come over with the kids but she says they don't know me anyway. Not true I've always tried to be there when I could .Since then, I took care of my Mom till she died , I divorced a narcissistic , alcoholic Husband. They say He's toxic. I'm not perfect but I've tried to be supportive and a good g'ma. I have even apologized to my daughter -in-law for offence she claims is so bad there is no forgiveness . I can't be treated and disrespected anymore. Sometimes all we can do is pray for them. They have their issues too. My door is always open, I forgive and love them anyway. I have peace, thanks be to God.
My own experiences of this situation, which has been a repeating pattern and a long drawn out out one, has brought me to realization of the act that we are meant to come to a state in which we mother ourselves, our own deeper inner nature, and that it's because of the times were living in, the stage of development of our entire human history. 🙏🏻♥️
My only child daughter disengaged from me for a few months in late 2016 and early 2017 over political differences, even though we never discussed politics. I can’t begin to express the pain I felt. For the first time in my life I experienced a deep hole engulfing me. I did some research to help me understand why I was suffering so much. I learned that estrangement is one of the most traumatizing things people can experience and what I was going through was quite normal. It turned out that she suffered too. We ended up agreeing to never become estranged again. Since then, my siblings split along political lines and the same thing happened in my husband’s family. It’s a very sad time in our country’s history. Thank you for bringing up this topic. It seems almost everyone is impacted by estrangement these days for one sad reason or another.
So many people have become estranged due to politics in these times. Family, friends, neighbours........I blame it on the news media......The lies that have been propagated ( later to be proven to have been lies) and the people who don’t look further to find out the truth........ it’s a criminal catastrophe that has destroyed many many relationships.
No politician should be important to a person than their family, and if they are, that person needs to check themselves.
From my experience, Adult children more often than not will bring up things from the past. You all didn't do this or that. I am happiest away from them, not a bad thing. I feel more positive when I'm alone. I realised that about 2 years ago. Sometimes a person can accomplish more Positivity on their own. Some younger generations seem to have a sense of entitlement.
You're absolutely Right. I have 4 adult children; 3 girls and a boy. The Middle daughter, who was the most easy going one as she grew up, had turned into a person I feel I barely know anymore. She's Rewritten her life story, with Me as the Villain.
I Honestly have No Clue where that lovely, caring, sweet young woman actually went ? It's almost as if she has a Split Personality now. She regularly comes out with accusations about things she says I Either said or Did, Over 15 yrs ago, which Simply Didn't happen.
Het siblings are all puzzled too.
I live alone now, I'll be 60 next year, and I have MS, amongst other things, and I feel So Alone. I have no friends as such, don't drive, and am quite deaf, so I can't socialize much really.
I rarely hear from her now, despite having been Very Close to her all through het life. People have said that when she went to college, it was like I'd lost my "Right Arm," Because we were always together.
Sorry for the length of this, I'm just devastated.
@@carriered4715 you sound like you were an amazing mum. It’s your daughters loss, unfortunately she probably won’t realise it until it’s too late. Be strong and realise your value… most of all be happy.
That's your reasoning? That they have memories? Your generation was coddled and entitled and you're claiming it's the young generation that's entitled? Oh well yeah how dare they want a good parent.
It doesn't even matter that you failed or why but their pain is as real as yours. I see why they are upset.
When I lost my business I had nothing any more. Mom's AUTOMATIC ATM was CLOSED.
I'LL lost all my friends and my kids. When I had a good income everyone knew me loved me. What is wrong is money mean do much to others? .
That you can't still love the person. I had a million in Housing investments overnight housing crash I lost it all. Than 9/11 my business was in a big mall for a year no one would come. Than I lost everything I worked hard for over 20 years. It's just not fair I guess it's life. I don't want material things I want a hug. I want a phone call I want love. Very sad what the world is going thru now. Bless you 😇 everyone
@@carriered4715 Your story is mine. My daughter married a controlling guy. All holidays was at his mom's house. Nice home in the country big built in pool. I see pictures and most my adult kids n grandkids are at her home. It hurt so bad 😢.
Than I found my bio dad n 3 sisters they are rich n don't want me. I think bc inheritance. I just want my dads love. They had every chance at a good life college high paying job. I had hunger abuse n no love. Maybe we have to go find it but when your health is not that good it's hard. My Depression had got me down. Take care him I wish you all the best n hope the others are still in your life . Hugs
I am happy you are revisiting this subject. I am one who found your video from approx. a year ago...and as I went through the comments on here, I realized that there is an epidemic of this issue with millions of mothers, fathers etc....just being so debilitated trying to manage. I am stronger dealing with it now.....but five years ago I was in the same state of shock and numb and immense sadness. So I was tempted to reach out to some on here and assure them they are not alone and we can support each other.
Thank you Jennifer for sharing. x
What are millions of parents trying to manage exactly? Loss of control? It IS sad.
@@karenmossbryan7932 Not all parents want control… just contact. Why are you so full of anger?
@@karenmossbryan7932 This loss has NOTHING to do with control. You should read a little on the subject before making statements like this. Sarcasm here is not appreciated. Thank you.
@@karenmossbryan7932 Another seether. Seek help. Your anger will eat you up if you don't. GL~
You are spot on. Covered it well. I am estrange form my two bothers right now. I year ago when the pandemic started my two brother rolled into town and placed my 96 year old mother in a nursing home. I had been the one that had taken care of her for 10 years. They changed the locks to her house. One week late the had a dumpster and throw everything in her home out in it. No communication with me, other than a email. Your out we are in. I was unable to see Mother for a year due to lock down of pandemic. There were cameras in my mother house which I used to watch her to make sure she was safe. I heard them say the most awful things about her and myself. It cut me to the core. My loss has been devastating. The only thing they were interested in was the money from the sell of house. The cruelness was beyond belief. I will never speck to them again and will forever feel great loss in my soul.
I have no words. Sending you love and healing ♥
Su Mac, your brothers are horrible. You are amazing. I wish you the very best, and send love to your mom if she's still here.
I have estrangement with two of my adult children. It can be hard, but I feel it’s best to not over dwell on it.
Same here😔 and I agree with u. Not to dwell is the best advixe
@@rondanatan6198 Same here, sometimes it’s just best to let sleeping dogs lie...
Same here. Two adult children. I haven't seen my 28 year old Son in 12 years and my 34 year old Daughter lives a few miles from me with her 3 children and I next to never hear from them. It is very lonely especially at almost 64 y.o. and being single. I have given up on my Son. He doesn't want a relationship with me, so be it. I am done begging him. Sometimes you just have to accept it and move on. It does get easier with time.
An argument between my oldest child and her Dad made her stop speaking to us both. It hurts me every single day. I regularly attend therapy and had been in therapy long before this incident but I am trying to learn how to live my life without letting it get me down. I would give anything to have her back in my life but I will no longer accept not having any boundaries. As of typing this out, it has been 4 months of no contact and I never thought I would ever see this happen in my lifetime.
@@barbarathomas2471 I agree. We can’t also dance to the beat of people’s drums all the time.
Oh, boy, this is such a loaded topic for me. I'll just wrap it all up by saying that I'm in my 60's and I moved thousands of miles away from where I grew up. I left almost 30 years ago, and I still deal with the toxic residue of an extremely broken childhood.
same for me! i'm 64
@@Elizabeth-yg2mg Hi Elizabeth, gloey be to God we are still both here.
I am sorry you have been hurt in the past.
It's time for a deep breath here...I have a similar experience. When I moved in my early 30's (30+ years ago) it was for work reasons and I felt the relief of living further away. As a child I felt that my mother didn't care for me but did not know why.
When I was in my mid 30's I was visiting my hometown for a wedding and arranged to have coffee with my mom on the last day I was there. She started the conversation with wanting to know why I did not abort my children, followed by saying she would have aborted me if it had been legal when she was pregnant with me. I rose from the table to leave because I could not logically process what she was saying and didn't want a blow-up fight with her as I was leaving town that afternoon.
Over the years I have tried to have a conversation about what she said but she denies saying anything to me about abortion. Whether she is gaslighting me or had a mental break is not important to me. I know she said what she said. Since she has never apologized or tried to explain what she meant, I am left thinking she intended to hurt me.
I always tried to keep in touch and be friendly to her, calling her a couple of times a month for 30+ years (she has only called me twice in those 30+ years). My last call to her was 5 months ago. I expressed to her that relationships were two-way streets and it felt like I was the only one reaching out, trying to have a relationship with her. I told her that if she wanted a relationship with me the next phone call was her turn to call because I wasn't going to chase her love any more. She responded by saying she wasn't hanging up on me as she hung up on me. She has not called me.
I still call my parent's house but only speak to my father. I am done being hurt by her rejection of me. My mental health is important to me. I have other people who love me so I have decided to concentrate on my relationships with them.
This is a useful video. Thanks Margaret. There are so many mixed feelings about it, although it is possible to heal from estrangement and view it as a positive move. I think one of the problems is the high expectations we are taught to have about the nuclear family. It's presented as the 'normal' way to live, and that we should strive for it to be a positive experience all the time. We all know that it usually isn't a cozy situation or positive all the time, but we still measure our experiences and feelings against that 'norm'. The happy, inclusive, accepting family is largely a myth. Even in the families that claim to be the happiest, no-one has that all the time and they are often families where there is a dominant parent who controls everyone. The other myth is that it isn't possible to heal from the pain of estrangement. It is, when we realise for ourselves exactly why we are estranged. I think a good question to ask ourselves is, "if this person wasn't a family member/friend, then would I like them and accept how they are behaving?" If the answer is "No" , then estrangement is the right choice. It is possible to heal from it and realise we are not 'less than' for making that choice or accepting it and getting on with our lives.
I have not seen my grandchildren and daughter for over 15 years. I used to beat myself up but now over time I have accepted. I need to protect my health.
Same here (but not as long). Some days are better than others.
My estrangement with my son is like a death with no closure. My siblings go out of their way to include he and his wife and that hurts too. For decades, I continued to send the cards, birthday and Christmas presents, etc. Now I have stopped reaching out. Only God can create a change in attitude. Recently they showed up at a family event. I had not seen nor heard from them for two years. She said very cheerfully,
Oh, I have not seen you in what? 2 years. I was dumb struck and said nothing. Does she not see this as a problem? My son came up to give me a hug. This time I did not respond. I am tired of him telling me he loves me, yet never calling and coming to town and seeing relatives, but not me.
Your son loves you. Just hold on to that thought. 1. Release all the rest to the universe. Let the magic happen. In due time, it will. Love yourself every instant of every day. Pamper yourself. Be your own mommy, your own best friend. Create your life... the way YOU want it to be. When it hurts too much, go back to step 1 and repeat. You Are Love. Xo
I know how bad it hurts.
@@heyjenknee The body and the soul are made to heal themselves. Gives yourself the love you deserve to heal. Xo
This I can somewhat identify with as well. I haven't seen my daughter since I think it was February. Usually on the fourth when they go to his family's lake cabin they will stop for a visit on the way going or on the way back. This year, I sent her a note saying don't worry trying to fit in a visit I know how busy you two are so just go and have fun. Her response was "I forgot you are on the way". When she was here the last time she told me she would like to have a visit but the next time she'd like to spend one day with her cousins, just her cousins, "no offense mom". She never calls, will wait a week to respond to an email, often won't pick a call I place if I have something to tell her that is important and visits about 3 times a year. I am guessing the second visit this year will be over Labor Day, and the last will be Christmas. My birthday isn't on a weekend so there will be no need to do a birthday trip to see me. I have also referred to the loss (and yes it is very much a loss) of my child as a death. It is a death of a relationship I had nurtured and cherished. But I am an out-of-sight, out-of-mind, phantom parent. I think she believes that since I am now back in my home town, where she told me to move to, that I am the burden of my friends and family here. I have no parents or siblings to speak of, and my friends are coupled up. I was a novelty at first but I knew it would wear off and it has. Anyway, sorry, just wanted you to see you aren't alone. Doesn't make it better but it's happening all over I gather. Chin up, young lady. Be the best you, you can be. Bad behavior is bad behavior, even when it is our own children demonstrating it. My friends and family have tried to make excuses for her, or worse, try to find out how it can be MY fault, which hurts as much as the estrangement. I finally started stopping them mid-sentence and saying "Hey! It is in no way my fault. And bad behavior is bad behavior, you can't excuse it or shove it under the rug." That usually stops their efforts. See relatives when they come to town but not you, in my opinion, that is UNforgiveable. Well, were moms, everything is forgivable, still, that qualifies as an unforgivable act.
@@JustMe-FromMO-USA Just a quick note before work to say you are in my prayers
Yesterday was heartbreaking for me. My daughter and sil and their twin toddlers who live close by, well I was on facebook and got to see their gender reveal party they were having that I was not invited to. I may as well be dead. She is my only child.
In about 1965 Ann Landers did a survey on mothers. I was 10 yrs old when I read it and it shocked me so much I've never forgotten it. 95% of mothers said, if they'd known then what they know now, they'd have NEVER HAD KIDS...
Women had a whole lot fewer choices in 1965. No birth control, no equality of opportunity. Far, far, far, too many women were trapped into marriage and babies as their ONLY life choice.
I never had kids. Don’t regret it either.
@@createone100 Fewer choices, yes. Birth control pills , invented in 1960 ,rhythm method, the word no. Many women of the time were making choices. I know. I’m an only child in my 60s. It was intentional. My parents knew we could live a better life with only one child.
Liz H No one in Canada was using birth control until 1967 or 1968. I remember it with crystal clarity because it gave me choice in my late teens. Rhythm method? Yeah that usually didn't work so well for reasons I needn't explain.
OMG, this is something I have NEVER said out loud before. I do FEEL THIS and I will even type it out now. If I knew what I know now, I would NOT have had children. I made my life so much harder.
This video just popped up in my feed. After listening, I subscribed immediately. I had to leave a toxic marriage after 34 years, and their father had turned them against me. All my 3 adult children have totally disowned me and convinced my 3 grand daughters I was bad, too. It's been devastating. Even though I found a wonderful man and have a beautiful marriage now, I find it hard to enjoy it, since the lies my kids spewed at me about being the worst everything have soaked into my being. And I was the mom that bled for her kids, even helping them with addictions, etc. Thank you for this video. It soothes my sadness. I'm sorry to know so many suffer from the deep sadness I feel, as well. Blessings and love to all, we will get through this, if we don't give up. 💞
How many of us parents of adult children can tolerate their anger fully? If you can listen to even the most hateful and hurtful speech, you might then find those children will be filled with gratitude, that they are loved no matter what they carry inside them, that they are lovable even when they are hateful. Bite your tongue, let them have the floor, let them be in control of their full expression. It is brutally difficult but it is very often the best expression of parental love. It legitimiizes their experience and lets them know your love is unconditional. I hope this helps someone the way it helped me. I hope I have the strength and wisdom to continue putting love ahead of ego.
You're so right. I was going through a very difficult time. I was clinically depressed and in therapy. In the process of resolving old issues, I brought up things from my childhood, e.g., that my mom always wanted me to play my musical instrument for guests, because she was proud of me, but it was an embarrassment for me. My mom listened and apologized. We were able to move on, and she lived with me for the last 5 years of her life, dying at age 96.
@@marpop4056 thank you for sharing this. I find it very touching. Your mother had courage, for which you are forever blessed, because you know you were loved. I hope people read your story and learn that being right is often wrong. Imagine a world of mothers like yours, able to listen, to accept the truth of their children's pain without seeing it as a reflection of their failures. We might have a world of people who don't need false claims to power because we would be powerful already in our sense of essential value. Imagine harmony through such internal power, not sideshows of muscle flexing, etc. Your mother planted a big seed in her sacrificing her ego's needs to support your actual strength. She was a light. Sending love.
That's an interesting response. Sometimes I have found when I'm strong enough to listen and pray for calm, the silence bounces back to the person and they later reflect a little more in line with reality. But if you are afraid of their words hurting someone else more fragile in the room it becomes more complex. Challenging angry words is not always a matter of ego.
I'm living for me now, there's no arguing or over dramatic events now. Yes, I miss my family, but I am seeing them as the Toxic ones, especially after seeing how they affected my health. I understand no closure but sometimes you can't have closure.. It's just how life works. Live your own life. It's short, too short to grieve for people who don't want you. I'm tired of trying to figure where it went wrong. I can't live the last years of my life grieving and depressed over them, we must live on if they plan on touching on it then fine if it doesn't happen fine. They are grown ups and they have to live with the consequences. You know the old saying they've made their bed let them sleep in it. I don't mean to sound cold but it's time to defend myself and to do it in a way that is going to help me get through this for once help me.
You said, " It's short, too short to grieve for people who don't want you. I'm tired of trying to figure where it went wrong. I can't live the last years of my life grieving and depressed over them, we must live on if they plan on touching on it then fine if it doesn't happen fine."
EXCELLENT point of view. I will need to work towards this.
Well said and very sensible conclusion.
I completely agree with you, but I have one question/ thought ….. my deepest hurt other than literally having no idea at all why it happened is this …. The fact that it truly doesn’t affect them at all.. they have no empathy or feelings about it… That is the deepest , can’t get rid of it, hurt in my heart.
@@melissasprayberry5047 Thank you for these WISE words ❤❤💐💐💐
@@randilund2558 ❤️
The tears well at just the thought. Everyday I pray my estranged son will call . Its been 8 years now. So many years lost. Will my heart ever feel whole again?
Margaret I had to estrange myself from my parents due to the effect their mental illness had on me. It sad that I had to do this however they were making my life impossible. We reunited thankfully before their deaths. ❤
I truly do not understand why people choose to be cruel separated from good people. I cherish every bit of good that comes my way I always have but at 60 I too have let people go, it’s been a process for sure. I did my best and it’s time for me now letting new positive experiences in and knowing I am worthy of them:). I wish us all much love and joy.
@@debkt5599 more than enough absolutely🤗
I was estranged from my brother for many years and it deeply hurt me. Last week I had this overwhelming urge to pray about it. I prayed for help in forgiving him and a chance to talk with him again. I felt a peace after praying and thought about contacting him. The next day I received a phone call, my brother passed away that morning. I will never have that chance to talk him.
Estrangement is an extremely difficult thing to endure, I know that. But please, if there is any chance at all, try to talk and mend the relationship. Before it's too late. It's too late for my brother and me, don't let it become too late for you.
Lisa, I am sorry to hear of your loss. I personally believe that your brother was making contact with you on a soul level. Sending you an abundance of love and blessings ❤
@@lahicks9773 thank you so much for your kind words. I hadn't thought about it that way and it does bring comfort to me. We hadn't spoken to each other in ten years and for the feeling to be so strong that evening, I know the Holy Spirit was at work. Just as He was when my Mom went Home and again when my Dad went Home. Again, thank you.
That is a tough topic and doesn’t seem to get much attention; it is important to address it and help each other with it. Thank you!🥰
I don’t know what I ever do to my daughter but it seems that she remembers more my hardness on her than my love for her. She is the apple of my eye. I learned to sew because when she was a little girl she wanted a homemade dresses, I homeschooled her, I sent her to college debt free. Perhaps I’m just hard to live with because my husband of 34 years divorced me. Now I’m alone, working hard to make ends meet. I want my family back but I can’t have them back they have their on lives now.
Miss Rose I totally understand. 🌹
Miss Rose we all try to do the best we can with what we have to work with at the time. None of us are perfect...but we tried to do our best for them. Now be good to yourself and just keep a positive mind. One never knows.
stay strong Rose! 💜
After my daughter's relationship broke down, when her daughter was a year old, she came to me and apologised for harsh things she had said to me in her teens. She said she finally understood why I had said and done what I had during her growing up.
Your comments brought tears to my eyes. Rejection is so hurtful. God Bless you.
I saw your earlier video on this topic, and you referenced Sheri McGregor and her book - Done with the Crying. I can’t thank you enough. My daughter recently cut off contact and it has hit me so very hard. Every emotion pain, deep hurt, anger, guilt, embarrassment flows over me. But reading Sheri’s book and using the workbook is really helping.
Thank you again. Today is my daughters birthday, and it is a tough day, but I DID call her and wished her Happy Birthday, and I love you. Then got off the phone and cried.
My life was decimated in all directions when my brain injured son-in-law convinced my daughter to estrange from me. He had already estranged from his parents. My husband ignored my pain and we divorced. You and your listeners described it perfectly - a wound that won’t heal. I’ve even become a recluse.
@@kathrynandrews3383 don't be! Make new friends and make the best of it!
Prayers and hugs to you. My daughter hadn’t spoken to me for close to a year. She never forgave me for leaving my husband of 20 years. I too read Sheri' s book. I took such a long time to work through. I needed long breaks to do my homework. It helped. I started to discover me and regain my loves in life. I started to like myself unconditionally. Realising my now 21 yr old daughter needed to work through her own issues. I could not do that for her. Three days before Mother’s Day she called me to tell me she was going interstate. She wanted to make things right. We talk every few days. The experience left me totally isolated. I had a choice of being defeated or move ahead. “Done with the crying” helped give me the keys to free myself. I can live on my own and that’s ok.
Linda Cooper You are NOT alone, my friend. 🌹
Yes I’ve done that many times. It’s hard.
Thank you for recognizing this.
I am 63 and the past 20 years have been the worst years of my life.
I feel others think it is my fault because this is happening. It is so hard to live day to day. It has created physical issues that have compounded the whole situation.
My backstory is so very complicated and involved,
it is impossible to explain to anyone in a normal amount of time. Because it is persistent, it never goes away.
So I keep it inside.
I cry in my sleep a lot.
I have even wakened myself while crying many, many times.
Being awake in the middle of the night is so hard.
It has been toxic to my body.
Rejection is my trigger.
I truly wanted these years to be the best years.
This subject is very difficult to talk about with anyone. Families are different these days.
Times change.
Lifestyles change.
I don't understand why people
(in my case it is my family)
don't have more acceptance towards each other anymore?
Thank you so much for talking about this difficult subject.
Hugs from FLA!
I feel you, sister. The pain is unrelenting. The distorted view of who I was as a mother is so painful and bewildering. The hostility that is thrown at me on the rare occasions that we have contact is always a gutpunch and always knocks me on my butt, despite vowing that I won’t let that happen. Please know you’re not alone and give yourself a hug!
It's been six months for me. Rejection and abandonment are my worst fears. And now is come true. I'm a wreck, mentally and physically. Everything I used to enjoy is now chore. The sound of birds in the morning is painful as I know I have to face another lonely agonizing day. I feel you. I know if this continues for as long as yours has, I'm going to feel the same as you. You're not alone. 💗
I have been in estranged relationships most of my life. My parents abandoned me physically and emotionally, and now I have three estranged children. I am holding onto Hope for healing and restoration of the relationships with my children. Thank you for talking about this, much needed topic!!!
You have been hurt by the generation over you, and now by the generation you gave birth to. This is a tragedy for you. Please start looking elsewhere for joy in your life. Buy yourself flowers. Watch some good movies (not violent or depressing). TCM is good. : ) Take yourself to the beach and take yourself out for a nice dinner. Big hug from me.
My daughter is a clinical psychologist and a mediator who makes child custody recommendations. In 20 years she has not spoken one word to me in 20 years. I am separated from her and my 2 grandsons. The ostrization is because her controlling spouse practices severance within his own family. Estrangement/ostricization is complex and destroys the target's basic needs. My oldest son died a few years ago--he was very loving and loved his mother. Strangely, my daughter and I were extremely close. My son didn't choose to leave my, but she did. The loss of her is more painful. Read Kipling William's book, Ostracism: The Power of Silence for insights.
My adult children abandoned me when their father died and I remarried. They didn't like him. Never mind the fact that he treated me like a queen and never mind that I needed him and am very happy. They all have children of their own but are scattered all over the U.S. but I don't have money to travel so they interpret this as my disinterest in my grandchildren. Nothing could be further from the truth.
They should visit you!
@@DaisyAnnabelle65 Her children apparently think the same "She SHOULD visit us!" stalemate...no one sees anyone. Now what
Clear the air with them, it's an awful waste of precious time. Let them know you want to be part of their lives and try to plan a trip somewhere that's kind of a halfway point for everyone ( I understand that this might not be possible) - it doesn't have to be "fancy", just a neutral place were you can all see each other and still be able to "have your own space". I wish you the best, hope you can all work things out.
@@DaisyAnnabelle65 If you're working and have kids how do you get the time and money to haul your family off to visit grandparents? Seems like the grandparents should do the visiting esp if they're not working. My dad laid on his butt reading for 40 years--had plenty of time and money but never once visited any kids or grandkids and then boo-hooed about not knowing his descendants. When he died, no one noticed.
Back again. I have a MSW and
worked in inpatient and outpatient hospital for awhile. I have to agree with those who feel
parent child estrangement has increased. The remarks from
people on this site have been wrenching. I do believe without
knowing the families we cannot say where the fault lies- maybe on both sometimes. I do believe
that most people are devastated
and also dumbfounded by what
happened. For some they have had no choice but to move on.
I am also impressed by the fact
that many comments were not
judgemental but were people who
were desperate to understand.
Please try to look at the book “The Rules of Estrangement.
Many professionals and people
who are suffering have learned a
great deal from this book.
Margaret please do more of these type of videos - sensitive topics. You did a service for
humanity in this one!
Thank you...
Our grown sons have blocked us both phone and emails. It's been 1.5 yrs now and it has been devastating. I wake up early in the morning feeling like I can't breathe as the sadness is overwhelming most mornings. I take a nap in the afternoon and the sadness is overwhelming. I see other families seemingly happy with grown children and grandchildren and the sadness over takes me.
What used to be a priority, my home, is no longer the priority. Our children do not come home.
Our youngest, daughter, thank God loves us but is in contact with her brothers and does not share a thing with us regarding them. She's been given strict instructions and we do not cross that line. Always a threat we'll lose her too if we cross the line.
In early 70's and never, in our wildest dreams did we ever think this would happen. It was a slow process over the last several years, but it happened. The tears, the confessions, the guilt, the shame. It never ends.
Our Faith has been strengthened but we are only human and we take it one day at a time. All we can do is BREATHE and move on.
I’m so sorry for you. to have this happen at our age is nothings short of cruelty. My son / twin cut me out of his life too. The sadness bubbles up throughout the day.
@@aav2364 thank you. I feel your sadness and despair. That is how I describe it all. Must move on. No other option and believe and pray.
Everything that Margaret has said. Is exactly what estrangement is with an adult child. And losing my grandkids. There is know healing or closure. 🙏🙏🙏