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@@Owinojakasigu is there East African philosophers? Maybe writing in Swahili or Gikuyu? I think it would be interesting to hear their takes on the world too and it's sad that even today the non western world still consumes mostly western culture, including philosophy.
Have you ever noticed everybody hates the good guy unless it's in a movie? If they're not famous they hate you when you're smarter than them. Which means you have more compassion. The smarter your IQ the more compassion you have. It's a proven fact. When your IQ is not quite high enough to be scientific you under the smaller scale of moderately bright genius. Which means you have a poetic soul and you are a philosopher or an art lover and a lover of humanity. And you want to find some sort of philosophy to live a better life. Stoics are pretty good just a little hard on people. I'm like a stoic with a big fat mouth for lack of dopamine. I'm so add I can't function without it in the real physical world. I close in on my mind when I can't get it and at least track of my external world for about 20 hours a day. It's very hard for me to focus on things, because the government and the FDA just don't give a crap about Humanity in any way. They'd rather be rich now than pay for it later
Rejection is especially bitter because we’ve allowed one person to dominate our thoughts. Letting go feels difficult, and life can seem empty at first, having spent so much time focused on that one individual. It's important to remind ourselves that there are countless amazing and lovable people in the world, not just that one.
@@mikloridden8276 ngl people are very looks-orientated in an era of instant gratification and thousands of people around the corner on the internet. in the best case scenario, you're between a 5-7 in attractiveness and you're not ugly but you don't elicit attraction, you're attractive neutral. worst case people are lying or uncomfortable to say the truth you're unattractive. people date attractive people of bad character all the time.
@@babygrill01 I see. Not to toot my own horn but I have told people to be honest, and as you said just neutral looking , but yeah people want crazy things. I guess I’ll just remain silent
@@mikloridden8276 yeah it's sad, even if someone is unattractive or attractive neutral, they are still very capable of being intelligent, unselfish, loving of others and other positive traits that the halo effect confers onto others. I personally feel I am unattractive or attractive neutral at best. Hawthorne effect is an easy explanation for why people are afraid to say someone's unattractive, maybe people subconsciously recognize the halo effect is real so if they tell you you're unattractive, they feel they're telling you you're also unkind and the other things above. If it's on forums, maybe people think that because you're asking am I attractive, they go in with an expectation of people being uglier before seeing their photos. If it's friends you're asking, they see your positive qualities and know you're trustworthy. Sorry for rambling but it's a very complicated subject
@@mikloridden8276you've to take a step back and observe your patterns, stop putting yourself in positions where you can give someone the power to reject you. Heal your attachment style, work on your self image and worth that is most likely wounded after the first or few rejections. It's a lengthy yet fulfilling process. There's light at the end of the tunnel, you've to believe so and you'll make it through. All the best❤
There's nothing worse than that first rejection that makes you realize love isn't real. At least not the way it's portrayed in movies. All love is conditional and everyone is a lot more selfish than you realize, even yourself.
Good! The only love that should be conditional is it parents love for their children. Other than that, there should be tons of conditions - if my partner hurts me seriously and without remorse, I will leave him. If I hurt him, I hope he leaves me.
When I experienced rejection, I wasn’t really angry at the person who rejected me. I was entirely hurt by the fact that I had put myself through that pain by attaching my sense of self so deeply to another person like that.
No way, I was putting together a video script talking about the Book of Bronte when I found your channel, more specifically your video about the problem with modern love, now I see my favorite UA-camr talking about it. omfg. I love your work. My greetings directly from Brazil.
Thank you so much for this! I was rejected by my crush a few months ago and had a hard time understanding why this is still hurting me so much and makes me resentful even months later. Now I understand it much better and I feel less pathetic about myself. Your videos, particularly this one and the ones on love and crushes, are extremely helpful!
thank you so much. this is the second video of yours that i watched. i’ve been suffering from a rejections for 2 years, understanding that this irrational and makes me weak, but i can’t stop pondering the reasons of rejections. you made it easy to understand. your videos are so reasonable. thank you.
attachment theory is useful to study in regards to this. when we grow older, our closest connections - typically, but not always, romantic in nature - are based on the “scripts” or stories of love that we have internalized throughout our life. this story begins with our parents (and/or other forms of close caregivers), who are forever deemed central characters in this story of how we ought to love, and to be loved. the way we appraise these stories can change, and therefore so can our approach to attachment in general, but one aspect remains the same: our attachment object is our source of life. we bond to our parents so deeply because they provide us with what we need to survive when we are too vulnerable to obtain it ourselves. the loss of our parents *must* hurt deeply, because it would indicate that our survival is threatened. therefore, when we become attached to (possible or actual) partners later in life, we instinctively respond to them in a similar way. it’s required by the very nature of development. therefore, rejections later in life trigger the same type of pain… because, psychologically, they threaten our survival.
Adding to your view of rejection being largely based on a self-image tied to the person; it also depends on the experience of the rejection itself. Ugly experiences can lead to the fear of rejection and a cycle of self-destruction and sabotaging the very things you desire. Rejection often feels very disorienting. As if your view of the world is shattered by the hammer of reality. It puts into perspective a lot of pessimistic philosophy and everything is a downward spiral from then on, with one thought leading to another. Here Nietzche's ideologies really help to map out the next step and deal with rejection, fairly. Great video btw :)
As a career "rejectee" I find this very relatable. I have long not given any flying kites what the people around me think about me but I'd be lying if I said the seclusion doesn't bother me at times. Being alone when you're surrounded by people is demoralizing at times.
Hey you reading these comments!! I experienced rejection recently too. I thought someone i liked was flirting with me but it turns out it was all in my head. 😢
When I think about rejection, I think about how our early relationship with our parents might direct how heavily we feel its sting. I mean, for our remote ancestors our survival depended on being loved by our parents . I have a particularly vivid recollection of being rejected by someone once who I adored in a romantic sense, and this is a link I thought of at that time.
You talk to enough girls, get rejected enough and it doesn’t really bother you anymore. But once you get past that? Rejection isn’t the fear. The fear is getting a date or getting into a small little tryst only to be thrown out for reasons you don’t know. But beyond that? The fear is getting cheated on or divorced and finding out your woman not only wasn’t yours but never cared about you to begin with. Ironically, the way to get by is to treat all lovers as options rather than lovers and that defeats the point.
I don’t take romantic rejection very well, in fact it creates strong feelings of loss and abandonment. Now my parents did a rather good job as caregivers for me however I also grew up at a time where they worked very hard trying to handle 4 children and a job. I remember being at after school clubs or childminders a lot which meant I don’t have significant memories of being around my mum that much. My dad also struggled a bit with alcoholism. I know they were doing the best they could at the time, and have come along way but I can’t help feel those early years may have caused an attachment anxiety problem in me
WOW WOW WOW i felt every word of this. I grew up with constant social rejection and very little romantic attention, and even though I do have a lot of friends and several ppl interested in me now, I still absolutely cannot handle rejection. It makes me question everything that could have potentially been wrong and I feel so fundamentally unloveable. Amazing video!
This is gonna be another interesting video since I'm aromantic, and got out of a relationship. It's intriguing seeing these all around me, with my ex, with friends, heck, even the couples roaming everywhere at the subways, but I never really got to know why. Never got to pinpoint what exactly was the feeling of romance that couldn't be felt from platonic love, so I've been binging. Love your recent videos about Love and Madness.
@@carlorizzo827 I look at romantic relationships, and think they're having a lot of fun that I could be having that I'm missing out on. Even when I got myself into one, just felt awkward. Seeing couples in public just kinda makes me annoyed. But at the same time, seeing the more negative, abusive, tragedy parts of it, really makes me think if it's worth it like it's all painted out to be in common love stories.
Hey! Fellow Aromantic here. I can only relate to rejection generally, but not romantically. And even then I'm only really hurt by rejection if i realise the other person actually sees me as inferior and not just that we're incompatible. And even then, someone seeing me/anyone as inferior is a giant red flag, and that's why i quickly get over being rejected.
Oh! I would love to see the topic of why we try to confirm the bad aspects of ourselves explored even further, it's definitely worth its own video : ) Also, like everyone else in this comment section, I know it was coincidental, but the timing was immaculate; a dear friend of mine was here with me while I played your video, and she went through a very bad rejection recently, it was very refreshing hearing her speak and reflect on this topic with a new light, the conversations that your channel can spark between people are just one of the many reasons I love it. Thank you so much for all your effort! :)
To falsely name infatuation, worship, or romance “love” is folly. It is to set a standard so high that the mere expectation acts as a saboteur. It is best to learn what love IS, and ignore how your preconceptions cause you to believe it feels. Misattribution to love is a source of the hurt.
To anyone who might find this helpful: I will contribute as little to, and legally take as much as I can, from a society that only sees me as either a disposable resource, an after thought, a joke, an inconvenience, or a threat. Thank you.
I relate to the underground man so much it scared me alittle bit….i just want to be able to be happy alone if i have to, but maby at the end of the day it’s an exscuse i made for myself because ppl have never truly accepted me
It hurt me because I led myself on for four months. It hurt even more because two months later, she was in a relationship. And fve months later, they were married.
@@marcoslightspeed5517she is not wrong. If the op truly "loves" her, he'd wish for her happiness. But not everyone is like that, we have people like you.
It was important to hear for me and seems like for many other commentators here. I'm deeply thankful for the content you make. These series on the topic of love are helping me to go through the rejection and break up for almost two months and sparked a deeper interest in philosophy. Who would new that philosophy can heal the broken heart? Magic. Looking forward for the new videos!
Wow i was in this situation and i began pushing them away and angering quickly with them. It changed my life a lot because i had made a lot of realizations about myself. It is crazy how 1 word can guide your actions for the rest of your life.
To the point of a rejection’s meaning about us it often plays out for me as making me feel like a dishonest friend when I fall in love with someone I have been friends with for a while. I often become afraid of being judged by them or mutual friends as only wanting to get with that person all along, “faking” the friendship, and still, without fail, it is my friends who I am most likely to become attracted to/fall in love with over time
I've been rejected so many times being told by the rejector that "I shouldn't worry, I'll find someone else who is even better than them" imagine hearing this for 12 years. Anyway I've met someone and didn't even ask them out which should be great... I really believe that they care for me except I have to remind myself of that actively... I'm predisposed to think that they were down on their luck and therefore settled for me... It's such a bad way to think of someone but if anyone could help out with solutions to this is be really appreciative... Great video...
I've often not talked about about my own feelings and insecurities around rejection, specifically, because it feels as if in most people's minds it is viewed as something benign, and as something that shouldn't affect you at all. That you should just "focus on yourself, and be happy being on your own", prioritizing personal development above all else. Yet, I know from my own thoughts that it has affected me, and from my own experience of focusing on personal development and such that just that is not enough for me to feel fulfilled in life. What's the point of Self-development if I have no one to share it with? Am I to simply be some sort of ultra-individualist, with no one to talk to and have a laugh with at the end? So I wholeheartedly agree that we should drop the idea that expressing one's sorrow from failure to attain interpersonal connections is somehow shameful. Of course it shouldn't be all you think about, you shouldn't drop everything in your life solely to pursue relationships, but is it so wrong to recognize that it's an important part in many, if not most, people's lives, in order for us to truly feel happy and fulfilled?
Hi, the example given on point 3 with the social relationships and the "self sabotage" is cruelly accurate to me, and I've been pretty aware of this for a long time (long before the video). My problem is that I don't know how I can get better ? To be honest, I have few friends, and most of them are good people for real, but when i'm confronted with my insecurities like "oh they just didn't think of me for this party..." Or "ah yes, they started doing this new hobby together and I'm not included", even though most of the time it's nothing else but an innocent mistake, i can't help but feel a deep resentment and as a result, respond violently to them whenever they interact with me. If some of you used to be this way, I would love to read your story and see how you got out of this vicious circle. Anyway, thanks for reading my essay.
as you quickly mentioned the phenomenon where the rejector sometimes feels himself much worse then the rejected person, it would be really interesting topic to see a video on, since there's much less info on that (focusing on rejector's point of view). Two weeks ago I had to reject my close friend and since then I really feel myself really terrible. I was searching some info on that topic to understand more about my friend's feelings now and happened to stumble upon your videos, which are great! Hoping you could unpack some of that
Respectfully, I think "rejectors" feel this burden because to some extent they're projecting their self importance on the other person, often the other person isn't really that hurt, if anything most healthy people just appreciate the honesty and respect shown and feel relieved after divulging that load of hidden feelings. It is also somewhat infantalizing/condescending to assume someone can't handle rejection, it's an uncomfortable part of life they MUST accept to move on for we all reject someone at some points.
@@guyafrica7894 yeah, probably, for me my strong reaction was very unexpected, so I was confused and scared I really need to work on getting along with my feelings and understanding myself, my perception (understanding) of interpersonal communications isn't healthy, I assume (I will not list other reasons why I think so)
@@krisa5676 it seems you are kind, considerate and self aware so i think you did okay for how you reacted. I was mostly tryna show you that you shouldn't judge yourself too much and that the burden might be coming from within our perception of other's fragility. I always just kindly reject people instead of ghosting and being indirect. I just rejected someone this morning online. I was direct, kind, honest. How people take rejections after that is nolonger your problem.
Are there any keys to relationships? I have a 3 🔑 system for every relationship from your grocer to your partner: respect, responsibility & consent. I believe the lack of or misunderstanding of a mutual agreement in these areas is a huge factor behind inappropriate/misconstrued relationships. Other factors like equating love and sexuality (a feeling and an activity, entirely separate concepts that can coordinate) play huge part’s too. Lack of open honest discussion & expectations basically. With our personal proclivities towards self degradation in rejection, these factors also can ease one’s self guilt or point out one’s flaws in actions too. Not everything can be answered as to why a rejection occurred this way, but I have been able to find self improvement in my failures which have helped me to improve & understand myself and what I actually am looking for & available to offer (another factor in many failed attempts is the lack of genuine self reflection in this). This was a fun thought experiment! Thanks
Great vid. I would add there is consolation in being the underground man: being loved by others may be yummy but that need is a trick, no more substantive than an addiction to drugs. There are other pleasures to be discovered, as any philosopher knows! Need I say that I’m a middle aged man?!
Waking up to a new UnsolicitedAdvice video, what a great start to my day :D Also aspersions thrown at one's genitalia is not a sentence I've expected to hear ever lmao
Loved this video, especially the recommendation re Schopenhauer's point of view towards the end. I think this is dug a into a little deeper in Christopher Germer's video 'Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Shame'. The whole video is excellent but he recites a poem 31:47 into the video that perfectly reflects how our common sense of shame/rejection's mirror image is this inate desired to be loved. The poem is called 'With That Sweet Moon Language', worth a listen! Also I think it would be helpful to dig a little deeper into the idea of resentment/contempt. If you could uncover the self-protective function it serves via the sense of superiority you get when you resent someone - "they do X because they're just so petty but I would NEVER do X because I work so hard at myself, etc.". There's a self-elevating function behind resentment that I think helps cover over our own insecurities about ourselves. Just expanding on some ideas, great great video nonetheless - I'll be revisiting this one!
Every video of yours adds at least 1 more book to my ever-growing reading list 💜 Taking rejection well can also potentially help someone be more attractive to future prospects. For example, if I reject a guy (gently) and he's reasonable about it, I'll still see him as a good guy and encourage other women to date him if they're interested.
I've had it happen about 7-8 times in a row and haven't had a romantic relationship truly start. Every subsequent one hits harder than the last to the point it I'm starting to anticipate it happening every time I have a crush (not by pushing them away though). Hang on tight y'all, we'll find the right person if we search hard enough... eventually.
its amazing how much social media and modern connected technology has been used to sell people the idea that you can Never have to face that scary "no" and rejection from a love interest or social group. I wonder how much of that fear of rejection is personal and how much is cultural and memetic.
I went through middle school and high school as an unattractive girl, but this didn’t bother me much because I thought not being attractive at that age was normal and I also was asexual (though I was unaware of it), so I didn’t even seek to be in a relationship. As an adult, I get a lot of attention, but I expect this to stop as I age. That said, I’m satisfied that I at least had a time in my life when I was attractive enough to catch anyone’s attention, cause I honestly didn’t expect it (I personally don’t like how I look). I also have the advantage and disadvantage of being asexual- I don’t really need to be attractive to anyone, but I also can’t take advantage of the attention I get cause I’m incompatible with 99% of people who are attracted to me lol
Always loved for what I do but if I let show that I’ve struggled and be forward about it lol rejections rejections rejections always last when teams are picked always the lone wolf.
I'm surprised I haven't seen any project moon sleeper agents here yet. The Wuthering Heights mention wasn't enough for the algorithm to send it over to that demographic yet I guess. Great video overall, I love your work as always. Seeing as so many comments on this video were deeply personally touched at almost perfect timing is proof enough of the significance of your work, but I do wish you went and explained a bit more on the circumstances behind Heathcliff's misery turned resentment in the novel, idk. This is just a personal thing but it just didnt sit right with me, reducing Heathcliff to just this nondescript man that loved one person and one person only, because he was definitely a bit more than that. And if you're itching for a piece of modern literature that explores his character a bit more, I do recommend Limbus Company Canto VI by Project Moon. It picks up exactly where you think it leaves Heathcliff off and, well, I really dont want to spoil it so I'll leave it at that. Good on ya if you actually give it a spin. Either way, great work as usual.
I think for me it's not about the rejection itself, it is just that it happened nearly every damn time, even though some women really played me and tried to seem nice, set up a date,etc. they still let that crumble later on. In those cases it was rigged from the start but hm... It's just that constantly getting rejected feels awful. You can only deal with so much until you break down.
Rejection is tough because, like you said, traits like "attractive" and "likeable" are dependent on how other people perceive you. So it's easy to believe there is something inherently wrong with you if no one shows you that like or are attracted to you. However, we have to realize that there are all kinds of people out there. Just because 10 people we met rejected us doesn't mean millions of other people will. It's about trial and error. And sometimes we do have to reflect and think about how the way we act or present ourselves drives people away or brings them closer to us. That self-reflection can be difficult, particularly when there are some things you are perpetuating (e.g. entitled attitude, pushing people away, etc.), but the only way to break this cycle is to take control of our own minds.
I stopped caring that way awhile ago, now I just laugh. Inevitably wherever I go if I go somewhere, there will be someone nasty that starts screaming: "I reject you!" "But I don't want you!" 😂 Once you know that, the whole thing is just a joke. People are just evil for no reason.
@@unsolicitedadvice9198 here comes the henry obsession again :D while i don't think i can speak for a statistical woman, to me henry is way past caricatural amount of muscles. yes, he ignites my fantasy: shiiiit, together we could have so many things done, like pulling out that broken washing machine so I could get a better chance of troubleshooting while the service guy went awol. How sweet it would be to get henry to move furniture around on my whim to make up for lacks in spatial imagination! And there are so many exciting but heavy items that people dump by the bin and henry could easily bring upstairs, possibly all of them at once! Every night! How thrilling!!! :D mi mano de obra, in fact it is a great business idea as well. Wow, that would work so well here, I definitively see a niche! but that's all, at least in my case. Joe, i'm not saying that looks don't matter for a guy, but you're really more than good enough. Other aspects matter to women a lot and you seem to be good there too/have tremendous prospects, so please stop diving into henry cavil nonsense. It would be a pity if you reduce and waste yourself trying to turn into an overgrown mass of muscles or, even worse!, despairing over not achieving it or misplacing/misaddressing the issues.
@@unsolicitedadvice9198 you’re more attractive. Henry’s face doesn’t hold enough “flaws” or unique features to be very attractive or memorable, kinda boring and bland… IMO
I'm not the type of person who is good at it. I recently had a crush on someone for the first time, I mean I'm pretty much feeling different after a long time, and I do believe my feelings towards them are genuine, as much as I wish to let them know about how I feel about them, I also kinda fear rejection. Because as I said, I'm not good at it and I lack in how to deal with emotions.
This strikes me as completely weird and even would have as a teenager: Who conceives of themselves as loveable? That's crazy. Perhaps we don't think we are unlovable or that there is not much horrible about us. But to actively conciously or unconciously think of ourselves as lovable? As constant, a fixture, a just so? Everyone must know this would be a lie. Life is to random for that. You are nit guaranteed love. You are not guarenteed meeting someone who sees you are worthy of it As i said. Crazy.
I wish you would do a video about how and why dehumanization hurts when it's caused in a relationship with God. Personally I feel dead nd betrayed, because God only loved me when I did what He wnted, and He doesn't care about my needs. I really don't know which philosopher talks about this but I'd love to know more about it.
This video made me think also about how treatment of our surroundings through life has great power of who we become as they have great power in shaping us..
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I'm from Nairobi Kenya and have been signing up to the mailing list but can't receive them.
Speak about Ayn Rand's Rational Egoism in simple words.
@@unsolicitedadvice9198 you should be more active on Patreon 😩😮💨
@@Owinojakasigu is there East African philosophers? Maybe writing in Swahili or Gikuyu? I think it would be interesting to hear their takes on the world too and it's sad that even today the non western world still consumes mostly western culture, including philosophy.
Have you ever noticed everybody hates the good guy unless it's in a movie? If they're not famous they hate you when you're smarter than them. Which means you have more compassion. The smarter your IQ the more compassion you have. It's a proven fact. When your IQ is not quite high enough to be scientific you under the smaller scale of moderately bright genius. Which means you have a poetic soul and you are a philosopher or an art lover and a lover of humanity. And you want to find some sort of philosophy to live a better life. Stoics are pretty good just a little hard on people. I'm like a stoic with a big fat mouth for lack of dopamine. I'm so add I can't function without it in the real physical world. I close in on my mind when I can't get it and at least track of my external world for about 20 hours a day. It's very hard for me to focus on things, because the government and the FDA just don't give a crap about Humanity in any way. They'd rather be rich now than pay for it later
Rejection is especially bitter because we’ve allowed one person to dominate our thoughts. Letting go feels difficult, and life can seem empty at first, having spent so much time focused on that one individual. It's important to remind ourselves that there are countless amazing and lovable people in the world, not just that one.
But what if it happens back to back multiple times? I’ve been told I’m average looking cute but I strike out everywhere. I’m pretty beat up
@@mikloridden8276 ngl people are very looks-orientated in an era of instant gratification and thousands of people around the corner on the internet. in the best case scenario, you're between a 5-7 in attractiveness and you're not ugly but you don't elicit attraction, you're attractive neutral. worst case people are lying or uncomfortable to say the truth you're unattractive. people date attractive people of bad character all the time.
@@babygrill01 I see. Not to toot my own horn but I have told people to be honest, and as you said just neutral looking , but yeah people want crazy things. I guess I’ll just remain silent
@@mikloridden8276 yeah it's sad, even if someone is unattractive or attractive neutral, they are still very capable of being intelligent, unselfish, loving of others and other positive traits that the halo effect confers onto others. I personally feel I am unattractive or attractive neutral at best. Hawthorne effect is an easy explanation for why people are afraid to say someone's unattractive, maybe people subconsciously recognize the halo effect is real so if they tell you you're unattractive, they feel they're telling you you're also unkind and the other things above. If it's on forums, maybe people think that because you're asking am I attractive, they go in with an expectation of people being uglier before seeing their photos. If it's friends you're asking, they see your positive qualities and know you're trustworthy. Sorry for rambling but it's a very complicated subject
@@mikloridden8276you've to take a step back and observe your patterns, stop putting yourself in positions where you can give someone the power to reject you. Heal your attachment style, work on your self image and worth that is most likely wounded after the first or few rejections. It's a lengthy yet fulfilling process. There's light at the end of the tunnel, you've to believe so and you'll make it through. All the best❤
I have literally confronted a rejection just 10 minutes ago. This can't be real.
That's some Grade A irony right there.
@@TempestsFist *Coincidence
The algorithm is getting better, or Google AI is good at reading your emails and recommending the right video.
Happens all the time. It's not you. It's us.
I *think* I'm going through one right now!
This video unironically came at the best time possible
Same.
Same. 🫠
What bothers me about rejection is not the rejection itself, it’s the fact that yet again I’m still standing where I started. Yay.
There's nothing worse than that first rejection that makes you realize love isn't real. At least not the way it's portrayed in movies. All love is conditional and everyone is a lot more selfish than you realize, even yourself.
True.
👏🏻
Everyone should be selfish, thats how we stay alive😂
Good! The only love that should be conditional is it parents love for their children.
Other than that, there should be tons of conditions - if my partner hurts me seriously and without remorse, I will leave him. If I hurt him, I hope he leaves me.
@@TalaAtTanagra men want the cake and eat it too. 😂 i ve learned from an young age we should never love males.
When I experienced rejection, I wasn’t really angry at the person who rejected me. I was entirely hurt by the fact that I had put myself through that pain by attaching my sense of self so deeply to another person like that.
It's not you.
No way, I was putting together a video script talking about the Book of Bronte when I found your channel, more specifically your video about the problem with modern love, now I see my favorite UA-camr talking about it. omfg. I love your work. My greetings directly from Brazil.
Wow why did this come at the right time 😭
Oh I hope everything is okay
There's no such thing as a coincidence. The fact that you're watching this video, means you're energetically aligned with me and thus message
The timing, the timing👀🚨
Another absolute banger of a video. I love the way you break down themes that are very rich and don't just skim over them. Instantly subscribed.
its an honor to be here for the prime of this channel. not a single bad video in the last few months!
So happy to see a new video uploaded just after I finished watching your last one.
Ah that is very kind! Thank you!
In some way you have been my therapist for the last two weeks. Thank you. I actually really need that right now
Thank you so much for this! I was rejected by my crush a few months ago and had a hard time understanding why this is still hurting me so much and makes me resentful even months later. Now I understand it much better and I feel less pathetic about myself.
Your videos, particularly this one and the ones on love and crushes, are extremely helpful!
Got rejected more than a year ago. Still hurts the same way as it did that day
thank you so much. this is the second video of yours that i watched. i’ve been suffering from a rejections for 2 years, understanding that this irrational and makes me weak, but i can’t stop pondering the reasons of rejections. you made it easy to understand. your videos are so reasonable. thank you.
attachment theory is useful to study in regards to this. when we grow older, our closest connections - typically, but not always, romantic in nature - are based on the “scripts” or stories of love that we have internalized throughout our life. this story begins with our parents (and/or other forms of close caregivers), who are forever deemed central characters in this story of how we ought to love, and to be loved. the way we appraise these stories can change, and therefore so can our approach to attachment in general, but one aspect remains the same: our attachment object is our source of life. we bond to our parents so deeply because they provide us with what we need to survive when we are too vulnerable to obtain it ourselves. the loss of our parents *must* hurt deeply, because it would indicate that our survival is threatened. therefore, when we become attached to (possible or actual) partners later in life, we instinctively respond to them in a similar way. it’s required by the very nature of development. therefore, rejections later in life trigger the same type of pain… because, psychologically, they threaten our survival.
these videos coming at the exact times you need them the most
Ah, yes, limerence! What a beastly thing that is to grapple with at this stage of life…I LOVE THIS CHANNEL!!!!!
I love how you combined both darkness and light in your background
Adding to your view of rejection being largely based on a self-image tied to the person; it also depends on the experience of the rejection itself. Ugly experiences can lead to the fear of rejection and a cycle of self-destruction and sabotaging the very things you desire. Rejection often feels very disorienting. As if your view of the world is shattered by the hammer of reality. It puts into perspective a lot of pessimistic philosophy and everything is a downward spiral from then on, with one thought leading to another. Here Nietzche's ideologies really help to map out the next step and deal with rejection, fairly. Great video btw :)
Insane timing dude....
As a career "rejectee" I find this very relatable. I have long not given any flying kites what the people around me think about me but I'd be lying if I said the seclusion doesn't bother me at times. Being alone when you're surrounded by people is demoralizing at times.
Lean into it: plenty of fun in not being needy, and plenty of time as you don’t have to work so hard on your persona!
Often, out of our greatest rejection comes our greatest direction
Hey you reading these comments!! I experienced rejection recently too. I thought someone i liked was flirting with me but it turns out it was all in my head. 😢
When I think about rejection, I think about how our early relationship with our parents might direct how heavily we feel its sting. I mean, for our remote ancestors our survival depended on being loved by our parents . I have a particularly vivid recollection of being rejected by someone once who I adored in a romantic sense, and this is a link I thought of at that time.
You talk to enough girls, get rejected enough and it doesn’t really bother you anymore.
But once you get past that? Rejection isn’t the fear.
The fear is getting a date or getting into a small little tryst only to be thrown out for reasons you don’t know.
But beyond that? The fear is getting cheated on or divorced and finding out your woman not only wasn’t yours but never cared about you to begin with.
Ironically, the way to get by is to treat all lovers as options rather than lovers and that defeats the point.
I don’t take romantic rejection very well, in fact it creates strong feelings of loss and abandonment. Now my parents did a rather good job as caregivers for me however I also grew up at a time where they worked very hard trying to handle 4 children and a job. I remember being at after school clubs or childminders a lot which meant I don’t have significant memories of being around my mum that much. My dad also struggled a bit with alcoholism. I know they were doing the best they could at the time, and have come along way but I can’t help feel those early years may have caused an attachment anxiety problem in me
@@alexkerr5804 I can empathize with that, bro. :(
I was seeing him today. I saved this to my watch later playlist yesterday. Tonight I'm watching it. Fun times :)
Rejection does suck but you will get there guys. Was hopelessly unable to date my entire life and now im in a relationship of 2 and a half years.
how did you do it? like being in 2 and a half years in rs?
WOW WOW WOW i felt every word of this. I grew up with constant social rejection and very little romantic attention, and even though I do have a lot of friends and several ppl interested in me now, I still absolutely cannot handle rejection. It makes me question everything that could have potentially been wrong and I feel so fundamentally unloveable. Amazing video!
Damn the timing of this video is crazy
This is gonna be another interesting video since I'm aromantic, and got out of a relationship. It's intriguing seeing these all around me, with my ex, with friends, heck, even the couples roaming everywhere at the subways, but I never really got to know why. Never got to pinpoint what exactly was the feeling of romance that couldn't be felt from platonic love, so I've been binging. Love your recent videos about Love and Madness.
Guffaw 💔you might not know how lucky you are
@@carlorizzo827 I look at romantic relationships, and think they're having a lot of fun that I could be having that I'm missing out on. Even when I got myself into one, just felt awkward. Seeing couples in public just kinda makes me annoyed. But at the same time, seeing the more negative, abusive, tragedy parts of it, really makes me think if it's worth it like it's all painted out to be in common love stories.
Hey! Fellow Aromantic here. I can only relate to rejection generally, but not romantically. And even then I'm only really hurt by rejection if i realise the other person actually sees me as inferior and not just that we're incompatible. And even then, someone seeing me/anyone as inferior is a giant red flag, and that's why i quickly get over being rejected.
@@rose-oi2zg thank you again. I may have aged out🤣
Why do I strongly believe this video carries the wisdom I need!! Thanks man😓
Needed this exact video at this exact time . Tysm .
Oh! I would love to see the topic of why we try to confirm the bad aspects of ourselves explored even further, it's definitely worth its own video : ) Also, like everyone else in this comment section, I know it was coincidental, but the timing was immaculate; a dear friend of mine was here with me while I played your video, and she went through a very bad rejection recently, it was very refreshing hearing her speak and reflect on this topic with a new light, the conversations that your channel can spark between people are just one of the many reasons I love it. Thank you so much for all your effort! :)
Was only just yesterday rejected, that's unreal 😂 perfect timing ❤
To falsely name infatuation, worship, or romance “love” is folly. It is to set a standard so high that the mere expectation acts as a saboteur.
It is best to learn what love IS, and ignore how your preconceptions cause you to believe it feels. Misattribution to love is a source of the hurt.
I could listen to you talk all day ✨
I love the depth of your videos on philosophical aspects.
Your discuss are impactful, force our mind to think deeply.
😊
You described me dead on when you talked about Heathcliff.
Worse is when they led you.
To anyone who might find this helpful:
I will contribute as little to, and legally take as much as I can, from a society that only sees me as either a disposable resource, an after thought, a joke, an inconvenience, or a threat. Thank you.
I relate to the underground man so much it scared me alittle bit….i just want to be able to be happy alone if i have to, but maby at the end of the day it’s an exscuse i made for myself because ppl have never truly accepted me
How could this video come at best time possible?
It hurt me because I led myself on for four months. It hurt even more because two months later, she was in a relationship. And fve months later, they were married.
😢 I'm so sorry.
If you truly love her, hope that she’s happy…
@@kayligolmao, come on
@@marcoslightspeed5517she is not wrong.
If the op truly "loves" her, he'd wish for her happiness.
But not everyone is like that, we have people like you.
@@marcoslightspeed5517 it’s what healed me after my divorce. It does work.
Negative biases is one hell of a thought frame to break. Work in progress for me.
Rejection/ghosting are devastating in long term if u get rejected each and everytime
It was important to hear for me and seems like for many other commentators here. I'm deeply thankful for the content you make. These series on the topic of love are helping me to go through the rejection and break up for almost two months and sparked a deeper interest in philosophy. Who would new that philosophy can heal the broken heart? Magic. Looking forward for the new videos!
I am always the first guy to watch these videos
I think I am not depressed
Ah well, good to have you here!
''I hate the universe and everyone in it'' - Yes.
Thank you for your work. A bunch of us really need this kind of food for thought.
Wow i was in this situation and i began pushing them away and angering quickly with them. It changed my life a lot because i had made a lot of realizations about myself. It is crazy how 1 word can guide your actions for the rest of your life.
To the point of a rejection’s meaning about us it often plays out for me as making me feel like a dishonest friend when I fall in love with someone I have been friends with for a while. I often become afraid of being judged by them or mutual friends as only wanting to get with that person all along, “faking” the friendship, and still, without fail, it is my friends who I am most likely to become attracted to/fall in love with over time
The timing is crazy 😭🙏🙏
keep em coming 🐐
I've been rejected so many times being told by the rejector that "I shouldn't worry, I'll find someone else who is even better than them" imagine hearing this for 12 years. Anyway I've met someone and didn't even ask them out which should be great... I really believe that they care for me except I have to remind myself of that actively... I'm predisposed to think that they were down on their luck and therefore settled for me... It's such a bad way to think of someone but if anyone could help out with solutions to this is be really appreciative...
Great video...
you would absolutely SMASH a wuthering heights analysis video btw
Your videos are a blessing ❤ Excellent work
couldn't have been timed better, thank you
I've often not talked about about my own feelings and insecurities around rejection, specifically, because it feels as if in most people's minds it is viewed as something benign, and as something that shouldn't affect you at all. That you should just "focus on yourself, and be happy being on your own", prioritizing personal development above all else.
Yet, I know from my own thoughts that it has affected me, and from my own experience of focusing on personal development and such that just that is not enough for me to feel fulfilled in life. What's the point of Self-development if I have no one to share it with? Am I to simply be some sort of ultra-individualist, with no one to talk to and have a laugh with at the end?
So I wholeheartedly agree that we should drop the idea that expressing one's sorrow from failure to attain interpersonal connections is somehow shameful. Of course it shouldn't be all you think about, you shouldn't drop everything in your life solely to pursue relationships, but is it so wrong to recognize that it's an important part in many, if not most, people's lives, in order for us to truly feel happy and fulfilled?
I love reading Schopenhauer also, it is so fascinating as well as relatable.
Hi, the example given on point 3 with the social relationships and the "self sabotage" is cruelly accurate to me, and I've been pretty aware of this for a long time (long before the video). My problem is that I don't know how I can get better ? To be honest, I have few friends, and most of them are good people for real, but when i'm confronted with my insecurities like "oh they just didn't think of me for this party..." Or "ah yes, they started doing this new hobby together and I'm not included", even though most of the time it's nothing else but an innocent mistake, i can't help but feel a deep resentment and as a result, respond violently to them whenever they interact with me.
If some of you used to be this way, I would love to read your story and see how you got out of this vicious circle.
Anyway, thanks for reading my essay.
as you quickly mentioned the phenomenon where the rejector sometimes feels himself much worse then the rejected person, it would be really interesting topic to see a video on, since there's much less info on that (focusing on rejector's point of view).
Two weeks ago I had to reject my close friend and since then I really feel myself really terrible.
I was searching some info on that topic to understand more about my friend's feelings now and happened to stumble upon your videos, which are great! Hoping you could unpack some of that
Respectfully, I think "rejectors" feel this burden because to some extent they're projecting their self importance on the other person, often the other person isn't really that hurt, if anything most healthy people just appreciate the honesty and respect shown and feel relieved after divulging that load of hidden feelings. It is also somewhat infantalizing/condescending to assume someone can't handle rejection, it's an uncomfortable part of life they MUST accept to move on for we all reject someone at some points.
@@guyafrica7894 yeah, probably, for me my strong reaction was very unexpected, so I was confused and scared
I really need to work on getting along with my feelings and understanding myself, my perception (understanding) of interpersonal communications isn't healthy, I assume (I will not list other reasons why I think so)
@@krisa5676 it seems you are kind, considerate and self aware so i think you did okay for how you reacted. I was mostly tryna show you that you shouldn't judge yourself too much and that the burden might be coming from within our perception of other's fragility. I always just kindly reject people instead of ghosting and being indirect.
I just rejected someone this morning online. I was direct, kind, honest. How people take rejections after that is nolonger your problem.
Are there any keys to relationships? I have a 3 🔑 system for every relationship from your grocer to your partner: respect, responsibility & consent. I believe the lack of or misunderstanding of a mutual agreement in these areas is a huge factor behind inappropriate/misconstrued relationships. Other factors like equating love and sexuality (a feeling and an activity, entirely separate concepts that can coordinate) play huge part’s too. Lack of open honest discussion & expectations basically.
With our personal proclivities towards self degradation in rejection, these factors also can ease one’s self guilt or point out one’s flaws in actions too. Not everything can be answered as to why a rejection occurred this way, but I have been able to find self improvement in my failures which have helped me to improve & understand myself and what I actually am looking for & available to offer (another factor in many failed attempts is the lack of genuine self reflection in this).
This was a fun thought experiment! Thanks
Oh, round and round we go
Holding onto pain
Driven by our egos
Feelings untold
Bro’s the Henry Cavill of philosophy
Legit geekiness, genuine good looks, and humility
I feel ya. He’s crush worthy
Just got blocked from her this morning for no reason.
The thing that hurt me was that i didn't even get to confess to her.
😢😢
Great vid. I would add there is consolation in being the underground man: being loved by others may be yummy but that need is a trick, no more substantive than an addiction to drugs. There are other pleasures to be discovered, as any philosopher knows! Need I say that I’m a middle aged man?!
Amazing video! Thanks for the help and keep the good work 🙌
Waking up to a new UnsolicitedAdvice video, what a great start to my day :D Also aspersions thrown at one's genitalia is not a sentence I've expected to hear ever lmao
I agree, Rejection hurts because its ultimately who you are being put on display for someone judge you, its a terrifying risk and situation to be in.
Loved this video, especially the recommendation re Schopenhauer's point of view towards the end.
I think this is dug a into a little deeper in Christopher Germer's video 'Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Shame'. The whole video is excellent but he recites a poem 31:47 into the video that perfectly reflects how our common sense of shame/rejection's mirror image is this inate desired to be loved. The poem is called 'With That Sweet Moon Language', worth a listen!
Also I think it would be helpful to dig a little deeper into the idea of resentment/contempt. If you could uncover the self-protective function it serves via the sense of superiority you get when you resent someone - "they do X because they're just so petty but I would NEVER do X because I work so hard at myself, etc.". There's a self-elevating function behind resentment that I think helps cover over our own insecurities about ourselves.
Just expanding on some ideas, great great video nonetheless - I'll be revisiting this one!
Every video of yours adds at least 1 more book to my ever-growing reading list 💜
Taking rejection well can also potentially help someone be more attractive to future prospects. For example, if I reject a guy (gently) and he's reasonable about it, I'll still see him as a good guy and encourage other women to date him if they're interested.
I've had it happen about 7-8 times in a row and haven't had a romantic relationship truly start. Every subsequent one hits harder than the last to the point it I'm starting to anticipate it happening every time I have a crush (not by pushing them away though).
Hang on tight y'all, we'll find the right person if we search hard enough... eventually.
It really does suck it opened my eyes knowing ill never be truly loved. Only death is peace
I think this can also count for rejection in friendship or by family members, but even more there than love
Thanks for this. I needed this!
its amazing how much social media and modern connected technology has been used to sell people the idea that you can Never have to face that scary "no" and rejection from a love interest or social group. I wonder how much of that fear of rejection is personal and how much is cultural and memetic.
This video stopped me from doing something a little over the top thank you😅
My favorite UA-camr rh. So deep...
I went through middle school and high school as an unattractive girl, but this didn’t bother me much because I thought not being attractive at that age was normal and I also was asexual (though I was unaware of it), so I didn’t even seek to be in a relationship. As an adult, I get a lot of attention, but I expect this to stop as I age. That said, I’m satisfied that I at least had a time in my life when I was attractive enough to catch anyone’s attention, cause I honestly didn’t expect it (I personally don’t like how I look). I also have the advantage and disadvantage of being asexual- I don’t really need to be attractive to anyone, but I also can’t take advantage of the attention I get cause I’m incompatible with 99% of people who are attracted to me lol
Always loved for what I do but if I let show that I’ve struggled and be forward about it lol rejections rejections rejections always last when teams are picked always the lone wolf.
I'm surprised I haven't seen any project moon sleeper agents here yet. The Wuthering Heights mention wasn't enough for the algorithm to send it over to that demographic yet I guess.
Great video overall, I love your work as always. Seeing as so many comments on this video were deeply personally touched at almost perfect timing is proof enough of the significance of your work, but I do wish you went and explained a bit more on the circumstances behind Heathcliff's misery turned resentment in the novel, idk.
This is just a personal thing but it just didnt sit right with me, reducing Heathcliff to just this nondescript man that loved one person and one person only, because he was definitely a bit more than that. And if you're itching for a piece of modern literature that explores his character a bit more, I do recommend Limbus Company Canto VI by Project Moon. It picks up exactly where you think it leaves Heathcliff off and, well, I really dont want to spoil it so I'll leave it at that. Good on ya if you actually give it a spin. Either way, great work as usual.
I think for me it's not about the rejection itself, it is just that it happened nearly every damn time, even though some women really played me and tried to seem nice, set up a date,etc. they still let that crumble later on. In those cases it was rigged from the start but hm... It's just that constantly getting rejected feels awful. You can only deal with so much until you break down.
How can you explain things so perfectly, I can't even form two sentences without thinking about it for 5hrs 😢
Rejection is tough because, like you said, traits like "attractive" and "likeable" are dependent on how other people perceive you. So it's easy to believe there is something inherently wrong with you if no one shows you that like or are attracted to you.
However, we have to realize that there are all kinds of people out there. Just because 10 people we met rejected us doesn't mean millions of other people will. It's about trial and error.
And sometimes we do have to reflect and think about how the way we act or present ourselves drives people away or brings them closer to us. That self-reflection can be difficult, particularly when there are some things you are perpetuating (e.g. entitled attitude, pushing people away, etc.), but the only way to break this cycle is to take control of our own minds.
Needed this. ❤
I stopped caring that way awhile ago, now I just laugh.
Inevitably wherever I go if I go somewhere, there will be someone nasty that starts screaming:
"I reject you!"
"But I don't want you!" 😂
Once you know that, the whole thing is just a joke. People are just evil for no reason.
Holy timing. Except on my end I may have to reject someone
Im having a date tomorrow, and then this pops up right before i sleep, shits crazy
Hope it goes/went good. Don't overthink it!
Henry Cavill gets a lot of love here 😂
He's become my archetypal example of a handsome man
@@unsolicitedadvice9198 Mine too😂
I'm sure he gets a lot of love everywhere he goes 😄
@@unsolicitedadvice9198 here comes the henry obsession again :D while i don't think i can speak for a statistical woman, to me henry is way past caricatural amount of muscles. yes, he ignites my fantasy: shiiiit, together we could have so many things done, like pulling out that broken washing machine so I could get a better chance of troubleshooting while the service guy went awol. How sweet it would be to get henry to move furniture around on my whim to make up for lacks in spatial imagination! And there are so many exciting but heavy items that people dump by the bin and henry could easily bring upstairs, possibly all of them at once! Every night! How thrilling!!! :D mi mano de obra, in fact it is a great business idea as well. Wow, that would work so well here, I definitively see a niche! but that's all, at least in my case.
Joe, i'm not saying that looks don't matter for a guy, but you're really more than good enough. Other aspects matter to women a lot and you seem to be good there too/have tremendous prospects, so please stop diving into henry cavil nonsense. It would be a pity if you reduce and waste yourself trying to turn into an overgrown mass of muscles or, even worse!, despairing over not achieving it or misplacing/misaddressing the issues.
@@unsolicitedadvice9198 you’re more attractive. Henry’s face doesn’t hold enough “flaws” or unique features to be very attractive or memorable, kinda boring and bland… IMO
You look like the main protagonist of the film Number Four. Anywho, great vid as always 🫣
Good lighting, but also your skin has been looking amazing! Are you using Tretinoin?
I'm not the type of person who is good at it. I recently had a crush on someone for the first time, I mean I'm pretty much feeling different after a long time, and I do believe my feelings towards them are genuine, as much as I wish to let them know about how I feel about them, I also kinda fear rejection. Because as I said, I'm not good at it and I lack in how to deal with emotions.
Damn😢I was rejected yesterday
The idea of rejection terrifies me, that's why I'm dating your mom.
Love this😂😂😂
Bro. . .
💀🚬
Ouch
Lol
I needed This video
This strikes me as completely weird and even would have as a teenager: Who conceives of themselves as loveable? That's crazy. Perhaps we don't think we are unlovable or that there is not much horrible about us. But to actively conciously or unconciously think of ourselves as lovable? As constant, a fixture, a just so? Everyone must know this would be a lie. Life is to random for that. You are nit guaranteed love. You are not guarenteed meeting someone who sees you are worthy of it
As i said. Crazy.
I wish you would do a video about how and why dehumanization hurts when it's caused in a relationship with God.
Personally I feel dead nd betrayed, because God only loved me when I did what He wnted, and He doesn't care about my needs.
I really don't know which philosopher talks about this but I'd love to know more about it.
This video made me think also about how treatment of our surroundings through life has great power of who we become as they have great power in shaping us..
"1x1=2" - Terrence Howard
*Universe in shambles*
Why love.. why bother loving, can’t and aren’t we just be workers of efficiency and contracts. I don’t know why we even try loving