Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap

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  • Опубліковано 16 лис 2024

КОМЕНТАРІ • 100

  • @Dana-oo9kp
    @Dana-oo9kp 4 роки тому +84

    I thought I was in an anxious-avoidant relationship. Turns out, I’m barely in a relationship at all. Lol

    • @anwensu4381
      @anwensu4381 3 роки тому +9

      That's WAY too true. I felt like I was alone or I might as well have been alone. He never came to see me all semester and treated me like long distance even when we weren't.

    • @wesley6442
      @wesley6442 3 роки тому +15

      OMG! I feel the exact same way! 2 years with this person, and not once was it a relationship. I kept looking to the future, the potential in this person, ever patient and understanding. But I was never a priority, just an endless tease of empty promises that never would happen.

    • @Dana-oo9kp
      @Dana-oo9kp 3 роки тому +8

      @@wesley6442 Don’t get me started. I thought I was being kind and patient. He apparently had no feelings. Just took what I gave him until he decided to find something more exciting, I guess. My fault for living inside a fantasy. 2 years as well. Learned my lesson.

    • @thomasrussell4674
      @thomasrussell4674 2 роки тому +1

      If you're barely in a relationship at all, that means your relationship is one order of magnitude more real and substantial than my silly imagined dream of love.
      I said to my TF, my darling, my dear, but I had to admit to her when it boils down to it, she wasn't "my" anything at all, she's her own person.if I had any illusions about the nature and extent of our possible relationship as it was then, my love quickly disabused me of any misunderstanding, by ghosting me completely and permanently.
      I had indulged in wishful thinking before, but much as my love is a good person, nevertheless we're certainly not in any kind of "relationship" whatsoever.

    • @Badmomsclub
      @Badmomsclub Рік тому

      Unfortunately men can have sex and never involve emotions or anything at all. That’s where they reverberate back to their roots. They’re just having sex. Females always end up attaching their own emotions to those guys. It’s sad but bless those men actually told you that you were both “exclusive “. Then they believe that it was just a “thing “ 😢

  • @YesItsAndromeda
    @YesItsAndromeda 4 роки тому +43

    This is me and my boyfriend exactly. To a tee on the psychology. I’m anxious and he’s avoidant. Learning more about this subject is what has been saving our relationship. Thank you for the video!

    • @zubieM
      @zubieM 3 роки тому +4

      How? I’m still struggling

    • @YesItsAndromeda
      @YesItsAndromeda 3 роки тому +8

      @@zubieM we broke up 😅😭 I’m sorry

    • @zubieM
      @zubieM 3 роки тому +4

      Same- I realised thinking avoidant/ anxious worked actually made me realise he was actually a narcissist. We broke up too!

    • @terintiaflavius3349
      @terintiaflavius3349 2 роки тому +3

      @@YesItsAndromeda So it didn't work? I am so sorry. I am in it now

    • @YesItsAndromeda
      @YesItsAndromeda 2 роки тому +6

      @@terintiaflavius3349 yeah I realized it didn’t matter why or how we were having problems, if he wasn’t willing to fix it and change it wasn’t worth the pain

  • @ZoomVacationsTours
    @ZoomVacationsTours 4 роки тому +43

    Sometimes it just seems like avoidant people are too much work for me in a relationship, because what they need and like or dislike is counterintuitive (for me).

    • @TeshaWheel
      @TeshaWheel 4 роки тому +10

      Trying to learn though so I can heal and become more secure and move away from anxious tendencies. But I agree, it's very hard to navigate 2 attachment styles and do that difficult work to make this type of relationship happy. Such a roller coaster

    • @abutterfly7975
      @abutterfly7975 3 роки тому +3

      Ya they are I have one.

    • @ella1682
      @ella1682 Рік тому +3

      @@TeshaWheel
      I agree with you,
      I am also an anxious and was in a relationship with an avoidant...
      Tried to educate him about his attachment style and how it influences our relationship, but was resistant....
      Tried to find ways to talk to him since he is an avoidant....didn't really work out much....
      On my side, I was trying to work towards secure attachment and learn more about it....
      I felt tired, discouraged and accepted the fact that he doesn't want to change...
      So I decided it was best to just save myself the energy...and direct it towards myself coz I also had anxious attachment I needed to work on....

    • @quantumperception
      @quantumperception 3 місяці тому +1

      That's funny, because we feel the same about you. We feel like we don't have that many needs (or we suppress them), so we are easy to please, but anxious types have much more emotional needs, and it can be overwhelming or feel like we are putting in a lot of work that we don't require in return. It can feel like it's never enough, and in turn, that the anxious types are more trouble than they are worth. We feel like "I have emotional control over myself, so why can't they also self-regulate their emotions; why do I have to keep doing it for them?" But again, if each side only remains in our own myopic viewpoint and blames the other person, the relationship isn't going to work, because we are not ready or willing to work on it and ourselves. If you are still thinking that everything is their fault, and that putting in effort to understand the other person and meet them halfway is too much effort, then you are not ready. Hint: sure, they are messed up, but you are too. If you are focused on their issues and not your own, you will fail; each person has to be working on their half, and willing to compromise and find something that works for both people. I know it might make you anxious to realize that it is half your fault, and that you need to work to improve, but if you try to overcome that feeling and work on yourself, it will be worth it, you will likely end up with less anxiety (if they are also trying to work on themselves.

  • @Karolina-i6b
    @Karolina-i6b Рік тому +1

    omg. this video is such a gift, 8 long years of struggling. thank u

  • @jhlfsc
    @jhlfsc 2 роки тому +2

    What a gift you give people like me who are completely lost and without the vocabulary to precisely express our feelings like this!
    Thank you so much!!!

  • @Mushroom321-
    @Mushroom321- 4 роки тому +6

    "liked" you explain the "attachments so well. ! I do like your tone & speed talking.
    nice!

  • @chadbaker3366
    @chadbaker3366 4 роки тому +10

    Thank you Briana! This explains my wife and my self to a T!! that will be very helpful in understanding how to communicate better.

  • @GMH9765
    @GMH9765 4 роки тому +19

    Was in it and I just got out, but it still hurts sooo much and would be willing to go back in a heart beat

    • @_Malyf
      @_Malyf 4 роки тому +2

      Lmao 😂

    • @GameheadTalks
      @GameheadTalks 3 роки тому +4

      Ask yourself "would i be happy?"....if the answer is no, then you have some work to do. youre not together for a reason. dont trade temporary loneliness, for emotional neglect.

  • @eugeneaniar7232
    @eugeneaniar7232 3 роки тому +5

    I really like your approach on explaining things its very empowering. Thanks for sharing these valuble insights.

  • @KetchupSamurai
    @KetchupSamurai 3 роки тому +4

    Im the open heart while my fiance is the rolling stone. It hurts that my needs are not met as much as I'd like but I keep it inside

  • @charchar0607
    @charchar0607 4 роки тому +8

    Briana, you are a genius!

  • @jillhodgson3221
    @jillhodgson3221 4 роки тому +12

    Thank you Briana. You explain this dynamic so well. Have followed you for a while now and have learned so much about myself!

  • @barrydworak
    @barrydworak 4 роки тому +12

    Sounds like Trauma Bonding.

  • @Mike-wh7nf
    @Mike-wh7nf 3 роки тому +10

    Omg you just described me and my very recently ex gf to a T. At least I'm learning what the hell was wrong with me (and her) so if we ever get back together or I meet someone else I can just work on being secure regardless of my partners attachment style. I'll bet it only take one secure partner who is knowledgeable about these dynamics to maintain a healthy relationship.

    • @sallyjane8274
      @sallyjane8274 2 роки тому +2

      I don't think so. I'm considered securely attached but being with an avoidant for so long makes me appear anxious.

    • @sunbeam9222
      @sunbeam9222 Рік тому

      @@sallyjane8274 I'm with a FA and find myself turning DA at times;)

  • @aivytran7754
    @aivytran7754 2 роки тому +1

    Why am I crying watching this?

  • @trenicejohnson15
    @trenicejohnson15 3 роки тому +1

    Whew, this is my relationship with my husband. I'm the anxious one he's the avoidant one, and I am desperately wanting change.

  • @hazelsstuffs2925
    @hazelsstuffs2925 3 роки тому +5

    I cannot distinguish anymore if am on the avoidant or anxious side… At the start of the relationship i have been the avoidant one.. After all the conflicts, I felt like i have become the anxious one and my partner is now the avoidant.. Its just so bad now, We both love each other i know, But we just dont know how to see each other anymore.. I am feeling so anxious already .. And i just dont know how can we fix things anymore….

  • @Mushroom321-
    @Mushroom321- 4 роки тому +4

    i really how you explain for both sides.
    both of their hypothetical situations.

  • @DarkoPorsche
    @DarkoPorsche 26 днів тому

    Thanks for this video :)

  • @songsforsale427
    @songsforsale427 2 роки тому

    Unbelievably right on the money

  • @sarahg2161
    @sarahg2161 4 роки тому +13

    Thank you again for sharing your insights into these dynamics. I notice you speak a lot about working through the unhealthy dynamics that often manifest when we are too deep in the shadow side of ourselves and operating from a place of insecurity.
    In other videos, however you talk about the strengths that each type possesses. I'm wondering, though, beyond just using better communication techniques, how can the open heart and rolling stone tap into the best sides of themselves and use their strengths to benefit each other in relationship. I feel like we are drawn to each other for something deeper than just a lack we see in ourselves and there must be ways to really compliment one another if we come together with vulnerability and trust. But I'm not sure what that looks like. Is this something you could discuss in a video? Thanks!!

    • @latesec8044
      @latesec8044 4 роки тому

      I really like how you worded this question. Very interesting

  • @andreal2591
    @andreal2591 2 роки тому +2

    What if you've been in the relationship so long that your anxious attachment style was likely formed because of the relationship? Relationship begin in midteen years, ongoing 25 years.

  • @IdontspeakBro.
    @IdontspeakBro. 3 роки тому

    This was really informative. Cheers

  • @dshoec
    @dshoec 2 роки тому +4

    I'm securely attached!

  • @barbaraadams2645
    @barbaraadams2645 4 роки тому +13

    Why are avoidantly attached individuals so unforgiving?

    • @HugDealer
      @HugDealer 4 роки тому +33

      Because they cannot stand any hint of rejection or criticism. Their sense of self is too fragile. By keeping things shallow and running away at the first signs of possible rejection, they can preserve the illusion of being flawless.

    • @jordanlevitt1638
      @jordanlevitt1638 4 роки тому +23

      @@HugDealer Not being flawless per say, but it's their way of protecting themselves.

  • @alexretox9029
    @alexretox9029 Рік тому

    Perfectly described!!

  • @chrismcevoy2503
    @chrismcevoy2503 2 роки тому +2

    I have a more avoidant tendencies.

  • @dunjavandenberg2389
    @dunjavandenberg2389 Рік тому +1

    I have a question. I have allways fellt secure in several (long lasting) relationships. Never jealous, clingy, worried or selfsacrifizing. However I find myself in the anxious/avoidant trap for 3,5 years now with a avoidant partner. Everything you tell about it, is very accurate. I find myself not extremely clingy (he thinks I am) but I do need assurance a lot because he is in and out, super sweet and mean, thinks I am amazing and than calls me names, tells different stories every day, acts commited but always says he does not want to commit. He loves me but is not in love with me..I do sacrifize myself for him, keep loving him nomather what and think he is the love of my life. I have not behaved like this in other relationships. Is it possoble that he is extremely avoidant and that has a great affect on me, allthough I am not the anxious type? Or am I experiencing a big blind spot within myself?

    • @nitacollins3645
      @nitacollins3645 Рік тому

      its not your fault hes autistic and disorganized attachment. Felt this exact way.

  • @statesunlocked
    @statesunlocked 3 роки тому

    Amazing video. You described this dynamic so well and made it really digestible. Subscribed and hit the bell. Keep up this content as it's so valuable and I'm sure benefits so many people 🙂👏

  • @Invisibility397
    @Invisibility397 2 роки тому

    27/41 years of solitude and celibate already and I'm 3 months into solitude once again. There is no point in healing any traumas and helping others is not in my perception. I have no intention of ever being able to rely on anyone for anything. All I can say is I never belonged here anyway and now I will patiently wait until my final moment. No, I do not want or need anyone in my life. This has been a lifetime of abuse, betrayal, and abandonment. By those I trusted and loved the most. Happiness is a choice and love generates from internally. The best way to teach her is point and laugh n

  • @Eg-jd9zt
    @Eg-jd9zt 3 роки тому +2

    My partner now maybe has a little of this but not the extreme of other people I’ve dated bc I’m also not as anxious as I used to be so nothing would be keeping that dynamic going with an extreme avoidant

  • @Abluemorphobutterfly
    @Abluemorphobutterfly 4 роки тому +5

    Perhaps I missed it, but your video "can I avoidant partner change" didn't cover Remote reassurances : performance mode (form of rationalization and intellectualization as a defense).
    I'd really love to learn more about this but not sure where.

    • @brianamacwilliam.attachment
      @brianamacwilliam.attachment  4 роки тому

      Thank you for watching and for commenting.I’m not sure how you are defining these things. Is this a particular language that you heard somewhere? Or are you quoting me?

    • @johelka7901
      @johelka7901 3 роки тому

      Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller

  • @Mushroom321-
    @Mushroom321- 4 роки тому +3

    at around 12:00 min. myself was explained.. ro a "t" freaky! 😲

  • @mrsimo7144
    @mrsimo7144 2 роки тому

    Hi. If anyone is still here, my DA says that she's not had any traumatic issues in her life yet sometimes she is so cold, I'm spending more time watching these videos rather than enjoying the relationship. She said something so incredibly cold and spiteful last week, I burst into tears. It came out of nowhere. She doesn't see what she did wrong. I've changed and working towards a secure attachment yet I'm so miserable with her. I'm stuck in this loop and yes I know what/ where I am, yet I love her. It's just awful. I'm going to pull back until she either chases me or dumps me. I've done everything I possibly can.

    • @mgn1621
      @mgn1621 2 роки тому +1

      Not having needs met in childhood….doesn’t mean anything “traumatic” happened. Keep working on yourself ….but why wait for them to chase or dump you ?!?!

    • @mrsimo7144
      @mrsimo7144 2 роки тому +2

      @@mgn1621 thanks. I've got most of my life under control now. To blame other first, I needed to get my own house in order. Not a 5 minute job. I'm getting there so. Self development.

    • @mgn1621
      @mgn1621 2 роки тому +3

      @@mrsimo7144 being human is a lifelong project! I hear you. Keep up the great selfwork

    • @mrsimo7144
      @mrsimo7144 2 роки тому +1

      @@mgn1621 You're very kind. Thank you. From the UK

    • @gatorshea5379
      @gatorshea5379 2 місяці тому

      Euphoric recall is why some people see their childhood through rose colored lenses rather than the difficult experience it truly was. It's a way to not accept what really happened to them and the effects it had on the individual.

  • @chrismcevoy2503
    @chrismcevoy2503 2 роки тому +1

    My ex-girlfriend Tracci Ludwick and I had what’s called Buddy Love.

  • @XmienekeX
    @XmienekeX 3 роки тому +1

    How do I learn not to bombard them with textmessages. I see my problem but I just can't handle myself. I want to get rid of my anxious attatchement. And I know I have to stay away from avoidant attatchement because they trigger me too much.

  • @fionaadams6773
    @fionaadams6773 4 роки тому +2

    Great information! The text doesn't match up.

  • @johelka7901
    @johelka7901 3 роки тому +1

    There’s a book call ATTACHED highly recommend by Amir Levine M.D. and Rachel S.F.Heller M.A.

  • @d.w.7114
    @d.w.7114 2 роки тому +2

    Do avoidants turn to abusing alcohol or drugs to distance themselves?

    • @onnol917
      @onnol917 2 роки тому +1

      They can, have the numb the difficult emoties somehow

    • @sunbeam9222
      @sunbeam9222 Рік тому

      The DA I encountered drank 10 beers every night without a fail but told me he's not alcoholic and there is nothing wrong with that. He would heavily criticize for it the mother in law who drank too tho.

  • @chrismcevoy2503
    @chrismcevoy2503 2 роки тому

    I would go to a cafe, read on the beach, and just absorb the atmosphere.

  • @LadyJustice86
    @LadyJustice86 4 роки тому +18

    So basically being in a relationship with a narcissist.

    • @barrydworak
      @barrydworak 4 роки тому +5

      Borderline, too. Different tempo but similar idealization/devaluation cycles.

  • @charchar0607
    @charchar0607 4 роки тому +3

    How do you distinguish between someone who is emotionally avoidant vs someone who has an avoidant attachment style?

    • @pixxie__
      @pixxie__ 4 роки тому +6

      I thought they were the same thing

    • @charchar0607
      @charchar0607 4 роки тому +2

      Alex Manning The way I see it, people across attachment styles can be emotionally unavailable depending on circumstances (eg fresh off a breakup)

  • @truebeliever5233
    @truebeliever5233 Рік тому

    I'm new and trying to learn so I can be a better man, so please excuse my ignorance. Is the Twin Flame concept just the moniker associated w/anxious/avoidant dynamic? Why would a rolling stone go out and cheat after a scenario like yours and is there anything the anxious can do so the avoidant will stop hating him? Thank you so much for giving up your time creating these videos they seem to be helping me.

    • @brianamacwilliam.attachment
      @brianamacwilliam.attachment  Рік тому

      Thank you for commenting and asking questions. I think you might find these videos helpful.
      Am I Anxious, or Are They My SoulMate?
      ua-cam.com/video/vNoxPtQdAIM/v-deo.html
      [2 of 4] 5 Popular Myths About Soul Mates
      ua-cam.com/users/liveX5WaOGufcLg?feature=share

    • @brianamacwilliam.attachment
      @brianamacwilliam.attachment  Рік тому

      Thank you for posting this inquiry. I understand it can be a painful and confusing experience.
      What you describe it sounds like it may be an “anxious avoidant trap” situation.
      These videos might offer some insight.
      When to Leave A Toxic Relationship, According to Your Chakras ua-cam.com/video/604gZk4iIFQ/v-deo.html
      The Anxious-Avoidant Trap or Divine Timing? How Can You Tell? ua-cam.com/video/kEYJqOb0JJw/v-deo.html
      Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap ua-cam.com/video/C9Mr3R_Ykbg/v-deo.html
      [1 of 5] The Anxious Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like ua-cam.com/video/yMOpdJM3Ot4/v-deo.html
      [2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap ua-cam.com/video/Kw0YMwKb6xo/v-deo.html
      Am I Anxious, or Are They My SoulMate? ua-cam.com/video/vNoxPtQdAIM/v-deo.html

    • @brianamacwilliam.attachment
      @brianamacwilliam.attachment  Рік тому

      Thank you for posting this inquiry. I understand it can be a painful and confusing experience.
      What you describe it sounds like it may be an “anxious avoidant trap” situation.
      These videos might offer some insight.
      When to Leave A Toxic Relationship, According to Your Chakras ua-cam.com/video/604gZk4iIFQ/v-deo.html
      The Anxious-Avoidant Trap or Divine Timing? How Can You Tell? ua-cam.com/video/kEYJqOb0JJw/v-deo.html
      Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap ua-cam.com/video/C9Mr3R_Ykbg/v-deo.html
      [1 of 5] The Anxious Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like ua-cam.com/video/yMOpdJM3Ot4/v-deo.html
      [2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap ua-cam.com/video/Kw0YMwKb6xo/v-deo.html
      Am I Anxious, or Are They My SoulMate? ua-cam.com/video/vNoxPtQdAIM/v-deo.html

  • @chrismcevoy2503
    @chrismcevoy2503 2 роки тому

    I’m like Amy in Briana’s scenario.

  • @wintertargaryen5269
    @wintertargaryen5269 3 роки тому

    Amazing ..

  • @chrismcevoy2503
    @chrismcevoy2503 2 роки тому

    I want to wander the less traveled path.

  • @Aymen-ls9lm
    @Aymen-ls9lm 4 роки тому

    Thank you

  • @jodearson310
    @jodearson310 4 роки тому +3

    Wow I see myself in both people! So interesting

  • @chrismcevoy2503
    @chrismcevoy2503 2 роки тому

    I would appear that I don’t care.

    • @sunbeam9222
      @sunbeam9222 Рік тому

      In all relationships or it depends?

  • @rosirose5727
    @rosirose5727 3 роки тому

    Thank you Briana, that's helpful.. Can you please speak a little bet slower since you give a lot of information that's make it harder to follow when u speak fast

    • @ruthnduta7260
      @ruthnduta7260 3 роки тому +3

      Reduce the playback speed to 0.75x or 0.5x

  • @chrismcevoy2503
    @chrismcevoy2503 2 роки тому

    Love is love anyway you slice it.

  • @jaethemedic
    @jaethemedic Рік тому

    ❤🙏

  • @chrismcevoy2503
    @chrismcevoy2503 2 роки тому

    I typically want more space.