Why your child continues to engage in problem behavior even when you issue a “consequence”
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- Опубліковано 5 жов 2024
- That child needs a consequence!
I hear that all the time and I totally understand why. As adults, we feel that kids should learn from their mistakes and inappropriate behavior, and the only way to do that is through a “consequence.”
But guess what? All behavior that we engage in serves a purpose. Think about everything you continue to do daily (open a door, drive your car, pretend you don’t see someone you know, brush your teeth, etc.). All those behaviors did something for you (got you where you needed to go, kept your teeth clean, avoided speaking with someone).
And our kids are no different. Our children engage in problem behavior for many different reasons (they want our attention, we tell them no, they are asked to wait, they are interrupted from something fun, etc.). However, to understand how to respond effectively, we must know WHY they are doing it.
And I totally get it! It feels like your methods are working because it stops your child’s behavior at the moment. But if you continue to see the same problem behavior over and over again, you likely have not identified why they are doing it and do not have an effective consequence.
I will walk you through how to do this step by step in my Practical Parenting course. Comment RESULTS for 3 strategies you can implement today for a positive shift in your home.
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That helps a lot actually! Thanks!
Thank you!!❤
Thank you!!!
Like ripping books… some kids like the sound and sensation, and we can give them other things to rip… but also, some autistic kids need to see all the pages at once because that is how their brain is naturally wired, so ripping is actually practical and appropriate. I saw a mom who would buy her kids books and disassemble them - cutting the binding, and they had piles of books that he could lay out flat, and see the whole story. Unfortunately, sometimes this can be misinterpreted as a lack of a patience to “wait” to turn the page. I am curious how you personally would differentiate? As well, when meltdowns happen they are not behavioural responses that can be stopped. They can be prevented IF there are accommodations, but again, they can also “appear” to be stopped… and then you get a high masking child who is positively reinforced for basically a chronic state of semi-dissociation. And autistic brain and body is very different, and meltdowns that are treated as tantrums are incredibly traumatic. As an adult, this ends up looking like self harm or addiction or whatnot, and then we get VERY high rates of autistic women (and men, but it’s mostly women) who are undiagnosed and are instead misdiagnosed with BPD, bipolar, and psychosis. And then medicated with medications never designed to support autistic bodies and brains. I’m curious how you would handle a meltdown? If there is too loud a sound or a child’s clothes see too itchy, and they missed their nap and then boom. It just happens. We can’t control the environment ALL the time. So in this scene, the child rages and kicks and bites and screams, and what they need is basically what we all know NOT to if this was a meltdown. Don’t engage, validate and check in after… all the things. But in a meltdown, this pulling away is actually traumatizing. Again… fast forward to adult years, and we have an era of autistic adults who all have complex PTSD. Research shows that we do not acclimate to distress tolerance skills. We stay in a state of hypervigilance, and we learn that if we voice our needs, or honour our body’s prompts to stim or move or sleep on the floor versus the bed, or stay up at night because it’s sensory friendly, or if we do things that others have deemed “obsessive” or “rigid” or whatever… we risk external intervention to our bodily autonomy.
Anyways, I would love to hear if you have any thoughts on this! I am autistic - clearly lol - but I’ve worked with kids my whole life and I’ve been pretty good with neurodivergent kids, but I still find it tricky to discern a tantrum from a meltdown sometimes. Some tantrums are WILD. But meltdowns a rooted in something different. Kids also might need more transition time than a parent has time to give, and that can lead to a meltdown too, but in this case, the child should be given a consequence because there is a power imbalance, and it is the parent/adult that needs to reevaluate their approach to themselves and their schedule.
The channel name is ABA naturally and there has been a study that suggested that ABA-therapy gives autistic kids ptsd in the long run.
That being said i think yelling about consequences is kind of not productive either way.
How are you dealing with meltdowns of autistic children?
Your channel is so helpful! God bless you!
I'm so glad!
If I had a young child yelling and throwing toys for attention, I would teach them how to ask for attention in a respectful manner. Something like, “Were you yelling and throwing because you’d like my attention? Well, do you think yelling and throwing will bring smiles and hugs and fun, or do you think it will end with consequences for disrespectful behavior? How about we practice respectful ways of gaining attention. If you want my attention and I’m talking to someone or occupied, you can put your hand on my arm and I’ll put my hand on yours to show that I know you’re there. I’ll finish my sentence or find a stopping point in my task and turn towards you. Then you can sit in my lap or we can color together while I finish talking or you can find something interesting that you think I’d like to see. Let’s practice!”
After three years old, it’s time to help them learn how to occupy themselves and wait patiently without direct attention. Timers can work well here, or special activities that can only be done while all the adults are busy. Different ages require different approaches. By seven, I like to start on letting them work on redirecting themselves. With the understanding that they’ll fail in the beginning.
Do you think this kind of reinforcement leads to borderline? I work in inpatient psych, and our borderlines seldom act out on my shift as I drill it into the staff on my shift to ignore the negative behaviors.
. Try art therapy, and then ask them to talk about their “big feelings” at a later time, once they have processed it. Maybe also some self-soothing skills , I have borderline and EFT tapping has really helped as well as literally giving myself a big hug and telling myself I’ve got you. You’re safe. ❤
@@Kelsey260 I’m glad you’ve found coping mechanisms that help you, but where I work, the borderline is severe. We are a state facility and get patients that other places can’t work with. One we have now won’t stop stripping down and running around the unit naked unless we ignore her when she does it. And when her behaviors get reinforced, she gets violent. Almost took her ex boyfriend’s dad’s head off with a knife when she was caught stealing from them. They were surprised he survived. Hundreds of stitches.
No - it takes a LOT more than a parent accidentally reinforcing negative behaviors to cause BPD, in my opinion. Sometimes there's a genetic predisposition - but there's almost ALWAYS trauma, serious trauma, for someone to end up Borderline.
And yeah, they would do certain things for your attention, but it's not so much because someone taught them that (incidentally or otherwise) as a kid, it's just because they're desperate for external validation of some sort. They are craving closeness because feeling alone terrifies them.
@@WowOafus That sounds like something worse than Borderline, honestly, or at least something different. Are they *sure* that's what she has? That sounds a lot like severe mania from bipolar or something like that, or a psychotic episode. I suppose that sort of thing is possible with BPD, but damn, pretty extreme. You're not joking that it's serious, though.
I'm also borderline, like the other commenter, & I used to be really bad too, but thankfully managed to help myself before it was too late. I'm lucky I'm alive. I don't know exactly what job you do there, but either way, thank you for doing what you do & trying to help these people. I look back on the people that helped me in hospitals & such & I am so grateful for them & will never forget what they did for me. I am sure that there are people who think the same way of you. And very few people are able or willing to help people in that kind of condition - so, I really appreciate you for doing that. God bless you.