Child Psychology : How to Discipline a Child That Does Not Listen
Вставка
- Опубліковано 27 вер 2024
- Children that do not listen are exhibiting a challenge to authority rather than a listening problem. Get through to your child with the assistance of a licensed psychologist in this free video.
Expert: Dr. Craig Childress
Contact: www.drcachildress.org
Bio: Dr. Craig Childress is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of ADHD and angry-oppositional relationship disorders of childhood.
Filmmaker: Max Cusimano
Series Description: Raising children can be a confusing project at times. Improve communication with your child and resolve common issues with the assistance of a licensed psychologist in this free video series.
It's a balance between maintaining authority as a parent and NOT teaching your children to be blindly obedient. Ultimately, when our children are young, all they want is to BE us. They don't obey what we say. "Don't watch too much t.v.", "Go play and get some exercise.", "Be nice and don't use bad words like that." As a father, I've found that by me doing the things I want them to do, they'll tend to do them on their own. That means giving up some bad habits you have. Do you gossip in front of your kids? They'll be critical. Do you yell or express emotion regularly in unhealthy ways (not the occasional moment of weakness, but regular loss of control)? They'll do the same. If we want to have healthy families, we have to actually do the things ourselves that make it that way.
They also need coaching, but we shouldn't have to micromanage everything, but also not leave them be.
The thoughts our children go to sleep with are among the most important. Read to them, show them unconditional love. There may be things you need to talk to them about. Don't put it off. Talk to them like they're the most important person in the world. Don't rush. If you need more time to do bedtime, start it earlier. If something is important enough to you, you'll figure it out. I'm still learning and will continue doing so.
We have "authority" because we are the constant in their life. We are their home.
This is the most impactful comment I’ve read. I’m 23 and my husband is 25. We are trying to have a baby and I’ve been doing research. My parents did the same you are describing but when I asked how they parented so well, neither one knew how to put it into words where I could understand. You cleared things up for me. I appreciate you so much! Thank you!
My sister has a child that’s the same age as my little one. I was so against her giving her little one smacks at a young age (little smacks on hand or bum) while I was letting my little one live and learn freely with no boundaries really. Now all I can say is that our children are 4, her son is an absolute good boy while being out in public. He is so compassionate and empathetic when it comes to meeting people and making friends. He also has really good listening skills and knows when it’s time to pack up etc. Now my little turned out to be an absolute nightmare and I’m beginning to think it’s because I didn’t discipline her and now she walks all over me...
She hits me, slams her doors, throws things across the house and has really bad tantrums. I honestly don’t know what to do with her behaviour.
Kinda what's happening for me:) when they get their way they know they can take advantage of you and get away with it. You have to lay down the law and let them deal with it. Not be physically hitting them by being staunch with your words if comes to consequences of their actions. They'll be quick to quite you and yell but eventually they'll learn. It wont come overnight neither does anything easy. #howdoyouknowthis #mylifestory
@@skmonie also this is not a parent speaking and older sibling speaking on their experiences.
@@skmonie they throw and hit you because they dont regard you opinion #authority dont know if you've seen island households but man do them kids have to listen haha
@@skmonie and another thing explain to them why they behaviour is affecting you and also what they are doing themselves. Have a talk sit them down and lecture/talk with your kid, talk to them about your life and give them insight as to why they should act like that. You HAVE to be staunch and loving at the same time. this IS not A 1 day thing it's a #everyday thing.
I've tried every consequence in every book. My son is more stubborn than any student I've ever had in over 13 years of classroom teaching. I'm at my wits end.
Me too. Any change?
@@Miabella22 yes. A little better. We discovered he is hyperlexic and has been guessing his way through until he couldn't do it any more. I try to let him have his say. He feels better if he knows someone cares enough to hear him through.
I really like the saying “connection before correction”.
When we tend to say mean words or when we hit someone, that’s coz we are angry/frustrated/ disappointed. Thats not educating, that’s us releasing our strong emotions /venting our emotions towards children. That’s not necessarily teaching children to improve themselves?
What do we unintentionally teach a kid when we do that? By yelling at them or smacking them, we unintentionally teach them that they can do the same to other people if they are angry/ sad/ disappointed/ frustrated.
I think humans tend to listen better & more patient when they are in a better mood, hence why we need to connect with children 1st, even with adults because we are not perfect of course, telling them what is not right and ask them what & how to do next.
The professional usually would advice us to ask them why are they not listening 1st, acknowledge their feelings 1st, and then get to the point and tell them how we (adults) feel when they don’t cooperate. It is better if we also ask them what or how will they do 1st to make the situation better, it makes them think before getting the correct/ right answer from us /adults. At the same time, it also shows them that we care about their feelings and shows that we are willing to listen to them before teaching them a lesson. No one likes to be told of with disrespect attitude right? People would get offended 1st before the the right and true message gets into their mind.
Consequences doesn’t have to be physical punishment that hurts, it can be a guidance and long respectful conversation.
I studied about emotional quality, which costed me quite a bit, but it helped me with managing my emotions and helped to communicate better with people, my partner and my own child.
I think raising children is never easy, never convenient, which is why it is very tiring and it is very time consuming and a lot of our energy(mentally & physically) to raise a respectful and responsible children & adults. Make sure you treat yourself something, a self care plan for yourself where you can do / eat something you like or enjoy. We often put family members 1st, but we need to recharge so we can be better versions of ourselves too. With lack of rest due to surviving life and parenthood in general, that’s why we need to squeeze some time per day... be it just 10mins, try to take care of ourselves, I think if parents are “semi-sane” a.k.a better mood, we will raise happier, respectful and responsible children. Best wishes to us all 🌸
Any books you recommend in relation to emotional quality?
Thank you for your comments, they are useful..
FL Solicitors
Aww.. I’m glad it is helpful for you! I’m learning to improve and get better a little by little at what I preach too, with the help of many professionals out there.
What I could think of now are two books by Daniel Goleman. Which are “Emotional Intelligence : Why it Can Matter More Than IQ” & “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” - which professor John Gott also co-written.
My partner & I have been listening to the podcast this year by Erin Rogers- Asrilant and the name of the podcast is “Parenting Beyond Discipline”. She is an American parenting & child development expert for kids and family.
One of my daughter’s bed time story books is “I Just Don’t Like the Sound of No” by Julia Cook 😆
I’m sad to say a lot of what I read describes me. I have a lot I need to improve.
@@Bnice2any1 thank you
Pat Star It’s okay to be sad, but it’s also important to remind ourselves that we are humans, and any changes take time, good or bad. The most important key is to acknowledge our mistake as quick as possible, and apologise to others or children, try not to be ashamed for being “wrong”, or try not to hold on to “reputation” or “image”, then try our best to reach our human goals again. Best wishes! It’s more challenging during pandemic.
I'm just seeing this now. I wish I could give more than one "like". I worked for many years, in child care, and this is the best advice I have ever heard. People used to ask me how I was able to have command of a room full of kids, even when my peers were having trouble. I always knew there was more than just punishment. I know you're thinking that this doctor over-simplifying, but he's not. I grew up with 8 other siblings and watched my mother grow angier and meaner, with every year, trying to "control" us. Nobody wants to be controlled, not even children, but when I would be in other people's homes, (some with the same amount of children), I was always surprised at the calm and respect the kids had for their parents. I see now, it's because the parents set rules and boundaries, and followed through with the consequences, but even more than that, they were allowed to be children without be punished for every little things kids do. I am so impressed by this psychologist.
Thank you for sharing this. Your comment makes me want to look further into the freedom children want to have, instead of being controlled. Thanks
And parents want and need to be respected as well as treated with kindness from their children. Parents are people too and their feelings should be considered.
Some great tips here. My child has just been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and is currently unmedicated. Ive changed my parenting to listen more, have been teaching him emotional coping strategies and how to express his anger in a healthy way while also setting firm boundaries and being consistent with consequences, having open discussions about cause and effect and helping him with organising and planning. I find that positive reinforcement and sticker charts just have him do something for the reward...not actually teaching him the importance or value of rules and a structured system. Ive noticed he is such a much happier child and it reduces my stress knowing he is not taking implusive, uncalcuated risks that hurt others or himself and he is excelling with friendships, sports and school work. There is a lot more mutual love and respect and our relationship is a lot healthier now :) Makes me so happy that he feels he can come and talk about his problems and let me help him solve them together.
That sounds great. How are things going now, 11 months later?
Two important questions I have for you: could you please explain in a bit more detail about:
1) how you have 'set firm boundaries', what are the boundaries and how have you been enforcing them? and
2) What exactly these 'consistent consequences' are that you have set?
Thank you!
Good job mommy
Hi Meow, there is a video about ADHD that I genuinely recommend from a doctor that has a different perspective on ADHD.
ua-cam.com/video/pdaJkQfUdYg/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/kHiqo4jQoxQ/v-deo.html
My girlfriend has two children and since she made these changes her kids are doing a lot better. Notably since they reduced the sugars and unhealthy processed foods by 80%, they are different kids. Her 8 year old now actually reads the labels of foods in the carb/sugar section and has an awareness on the effects of sugar. And they are happy kids that do get to enjoy deserts and sweets, we just make them with monk fruit/erythrithol instead (same taste as actual sugar)
Anyway, if it is not your cup of tea no problem.
Children have more authority over their lives than anyone else. Listen to them and guide them. I was happily surprised by the content of this video. The title and description really doesn't do it justice. Love the positive advice in here.
@With Nail shut up
I struggle daily with this problem in a classroom with 10 toddlers, they feed off the ones who exhibit disruptive behaviors and positive redirection only works for maybe 5 minutes before they are back at it! With only 2 adults in the room it is exhausting and makes us feel like failures because we can't keep control of the group constantly. There have been days when I had 6 toddlers alone to deal with and I broke down into tears of frustration and helplessness in moments of what can only be described as mutiny and a hostage situation orchestrated by a group of 2 year olds. Others In my feild of work have had those moments too. They demand constant one on one attention as individuals and it's impossible to provide that in a group setting. They act out because they can't get what they need emotionally consistently throughout the day with so much competition. I love them and love being with them overall, it is just extremely hard and unfair to put that many young children with one adult for up to 10 hours each day. I wish the legal ratio would be lowed from 6:1 to 4:1. 4 is great, 6 is a nightmare.
Encourage them to run , dance, sing and exercise, wear them out
The problem with parents these days. Many are too afraid to use their authority. They want to be the child's friend too much.
true
So true. That was more common years ago.
my boyfriends problem is he wants to be his best friend 1st and parent is like 6th in line he wants to be fun when he needs to be his guidance
I hear you!
I realise this was posted a long time ago but respectfully, I think you are wrong. Touching a child without permission in a situation where their safety is not at stake implies a huge amount of authority. You are not being their friend here, you are insisting they respond to your parental authority as well as helping them making that response effectively. Certainly doing it in a friendly non-threatening manner helps, but it's not the same thing as letting them ignore you. It literally only takes seconds to do this, it's probably faster than going to the kitchen and fetching Winny the Whale, let alone suffering the fallout of a sulky, resentful, passive aggressive child.
I hate hitting my child. I hate it so much but sometimes I am telling you, you have to do that. But never ever in anger and never hard and never with shouting. A good slap on their bottom seems to awaken whatever it was that was asleep in their brain. As they get older it becomes absolutely not needed as you can have way more complicated ways of punishment. Like you aint going to the beach, no TV, no phone. Too many ways to punish them.
I would love to see you dealing with a kid,who does not want take I instruction and not actor.
he does what the rest of do but can't say only in the privacy of our own home and in defense of a healthy family and a discpined kid: he gets the belt.
My kid was too strong-wild and defiant. I discussed it with both his therapist and his doctor. They both gave me permission and we discussed exactly how to use corporal punishment. I chose the belt. Two wacks - enough to make him cry. I never again had a problem and never again used the belt. These are very serious issues in the life of a family and in the raising of chldren and sometimes it simply has to go beyond the calm, textbook style of speaking. For some kids such techniques simply do not compute.
I don't have kids but help in raising my nephew and feel the fire to touch method does seem to work. What I mean by that is you tell your kid to not touch it its hot but he or she is bent on defying you to challenge your intelligence ( which boys def do at a certain age 6- 11 when I starts) and will do it cause they can. If you use the nice calm way in most cases it works but when a kids goal is to see how far he can go before something happens not calm you have to let them see the pain for themselves. We have all been told no Ober and over and warned but we touched the stove or a hot pot and have never done that shit again lol. And like u said that belt allowed you kid to understand that you want them to see that u care because this world doesn't.
However as long as it is a last resort ofcourse.
When he used the name Michael as an example and my son's name really is Michael 🤣😂
😂😂🤣
Mine too lol
And?
@@Jay-hp6pu and i guess it felt personal or realistic cause its the name they say on a daily basis 🙄
It's definitely a unique name, I have 10 people in me department with that name.
Sorry I work with kids and consequences are an affective tool. Some kids struggle more than others but they remember I mean what I say and if there is noncompliance the consequence kicks in. Something they were miss using being taken away, something they value. We address the behavior, walk through different choices the next time and they have to accept the consequence. They remember. Kids will repeat the behavior however because of the consequence they pause and look at us before checking themselves because they do not want that consequence again. It is awesome seeing them correct themselves before they commit to a poor choice. As an adult my boundaries are in place. Kids want boundaries. It brings an element of feeling safe and they know we care about them. Kids hunger for that.
Those boundaries don’t got to be violence
Nothing no matter how big for a consequence motivates my child. Which has been difficult because I don’t want to be overbearing and discourage my child’s heart. Recently I’ve just had him sit on the back step whenever there’s an issue until he chooses to come in and that’s helped me stay calm.. which is not my forte.
This was helpful! A consequence doesn’t have to be punishment always but can be guidance. I never thought of guidance as a consequence.
I went to see a child psychologist... he was rubbish, he was only 6 years old!
Your joke is so light-hearted that it actually melts my heart. :)
* bu dum tissssssss
lol
What the hell are you supposed to do when this doesnt work? When you've tried everything and your child still just does whatever and doesn't care at all?
Im having the same problem
Punishment is always needed if all else fails
Me to my 11yr old doesn't listern tell him to do somthing he says no or or scream hits the wall answers back and cant keep still.tell him to stop but keeps doing it our home is like ww3 at night theres shouting ,yelling, stressful environments ...he does want he wants this goes on every day .my health is under stress .but they say hes spoit to much my 23yr old daughter was never like that
@@logent6620 spanking works great
@marc labrie Spanking is scientifically proven to damage children psychologically, and it is less effective than other methods such as privilege removal and time outs. This has been proven by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Psychological Association, the National Institute of Mental Health, and the National Center for Biotechnology Information.
As an adult, if you behave badly, you get punished. Why children should be treated differently?
So what happens after you say “hey what’s up, I just ask you to pick up your shoes and you acted like you didn’t even hear me; then continues to ignore me? Not to mention if there is a response it’s NO! I respect what your saying but my thoughts are at what point without consequences for bad behavior will a child learn to stop the negative behavior? I never agree with psychical discipline but have difficulty understanding why logical consequences by age 3 if used properly are not the way to go. I’m having trouble understanding your method. Are you suggesting there’s a magical age when children just decides to respond with acceptable behavior? If we constantly complement and stop asking when they won’t respond. Aren’t we actually doing them an injustice? In the real world bad behavior results in uncomfortable results. How will our children learn consequences if we do not introduce them?
The hand on the shoulder worked for my son. I was of the spanking school of thought until I looked at what was used by people I consider to be successful in life, or in leadership positions.
My kids know that if I say do something then that’s exactly what’s expected. If they don’t do what’s expected they know that I’m going to punish them accordingly. Punishments can range from item confiscation to an ass whoopin. To be honest there is nothing worse than a parent who lets their child/children do whatever they want without fear of consequences.
U couldn’t do that to me when I was 13 I would of got my friends and me to jump u then what u gonna do and I would of waiting till I was strong enough to whopp u I was a determined child to do whatever I wanted
Amen. You have 3 times to listen before you get your ass whipped, bar none. Cry all you want, I could care less.
@@xaviergarza6554 send u to juvie ya dumbass
@@xaviergarza6554 that sounds absolutely stupid. That means you had no respect or home training.
I read and I just laughing however I wish you could give my granddaughter a good whooping.lol
Stop giving them sweets
Harmony H well said. Sweets are like a NOS for them. 😂😂
This so true!! I have a child with autism wish school put him under behaviour problems. But they where giving him lots of sweets at school. They burn my sons i.e.p's and make him look like a bad child. Also notist he was accumulating hypertension and was hitting into his head but the worst thing avoiding school. Lots of misbehavior issues. They don't even understand my son had sensory problems too. Made me pick him up every other day then doctors would say his fine. Has a good weight too and schools sending my child dirsty and so constipaded that they even let him play with toilet water when 2 teachers were supposedly going to teach him hygiene brush his teeth then from sink to toilet water? They done so much to my even hurt him in other ways that now he panics dosent want to be there or go to school I'm day by day trying to figure out how to get him to school. So i take and pick him up daily. Didn't have no issues he will come with me but then as someone seeing my son panicking while they tried to take him to school then they play differents games saying he wouldn't want to come home. Then made me pick him up to a different place not the school i video record everything they kept me waiting for one entire hour. Now notist my son wasent corresponding to me he would come with me but them i email teacher told her im going to take my son for a blood draw then next day my son did come in less than one minute out of the school doors to come home with me.
@Rachel is My Angel yes they do. And if a parent dosent bring a doctor's note with a special diet they will give them sweats.
This is what I've been telling my sister for years and she wouldn't listen. Obviously because I'm not married and don't have a child so they know better than me, is what in their mind probably. She bought her kids toys, sweets and many other things to let the kids mind their own business and she and her husband could have some rest.
Tell my husband this
You should consider renaming the video "How to Discipline a Disobedient Child"
I’m
Losing it I cry and cry again he is only 8 but Subhan Allah he is tough cookie.
Kids always listen everything and always think, even when we don’t realize. They are learning and experiencing every second. There are different reasons why kids don’t do what we ask them to do. I think everything should be based in communication (the way we ask different things to them) and the way we behave; we are an example for them, they act like us. So first of all we must control out actions, then asking them to do things. And especially we should learn from them, they are very good teachers.
BS
@@fatjamescorden1597 what part about it is bs
I tried : "Hey son, why are you not listening ?" But he is still not listening
Not long after I watched this video I saw my aunt and her son. My aunt asked him to do his homework, but he ignored her and kept playing.
She walked closer to my cousin's net door and asked him firmly but not angrily, "Mom asked you to do your homework, why didn't you do it? Come on do it now."
And that was that, he started doing it.
Won't work for every parent or every child though, because my aunt is a kind yet very firm person, and my cousin is a somewhat nice kid too in general.
let them do it on their own time
Yeah my brother isn't, i just can't handle my mom struggling with my brother with her saying "you weren't like this when you were younger, what happened?" My heart aches a lot, my brother became more violent with me and my younger brother, I'm scared to be too loud or to get in his way since he pushes me and pulls my hair and same with my younger brother, who's only 7....
Put him in time out one minute per his age after a one warning with eye contact.
Watch Supernanny.
If I didn't get up from playing with the "legos" my dad would grab me by the ear and drag me to my "shoes". That was my consequence and it worked just fine
Do you love your dad?
Rasmus yep
Yes same and toys where taken away.....And to answer the question YES i still LOVED them!
Look at the animal world they can do it better then the parents these day's!!
It is all about Pleasing the kids it is sooo embarrassing when your child play's up in the shops just give them what they scream for?... Parents don't realize that when they are in the workforce later in life they will be losing their job...
I have a foster brother. We cannot be physical with him. Any tips?
K P take privileges away from him as a punishment. Like if he won’t clean up his toys after he’s done playing with them, take them away. When I was a kid my dad would get upset when we didn’t do our homework and instead sat inside watching tv. As a punishment we were forced to do our homework while he sat and made sure we were doing it, then locked out of the house (we didn’t want to be outside because of the summer heat). It worked. We didn’t wana sit and sweat in the hot summer heat so we would bust out our homework fast or do it while watching tv before my dad got home from work
I just rolled my eyes. Maybe this worked for kids 20 years ago but none of this is working on my kids. I'll keep trying. But these new kids are different, super bold and hard headed
Gotta be bold with them as well, match their energy but always end it with I love you still. And they need to know the disrespect they show you, is what they will receive in the real world. But you can only say that if they are 8 and upwards.
Really got me thinking. I was at my wits end with our daughter. Spanking and yelling wasn't working and just made me feel worse. Now every time she doesn't listen there is a conciquence, not a capital punishment conciquence, taking away her toy or her blanket. I am keeping spanking in my arsenal but more of a last resort and for serious offences.
It's been 4 years since you posted this did it get better or what worked for you?
well capital punishment would be killing her, so I sure hope not. You shouldn't spank her, ever. it is wrong behaviour. It is a form of violence to get one's way. do you really think being a parent gives you the right to metre out violence on your children? Also its "consequence," not conciquence".
Omg. I would not want to be David's daughter. Sounds scary
@@Junkyard_Dog My girls are doing fantastic. They are happy and thriving in school. Home is a much more pleasant place. Not a sight for a battle of wills. It's a place of love and mutual respect. Teenage years are just around the corner, so it might be a calm before the next storm, but I'm loving it
@@mareezy Sometimes I can be scary. Please don't take the post above as my whole approach to parenting. I very much love, respect, listen and try to foster a relationship where they know that, that they can come to me and count on me, and that I care, because I do. I don't always get it right. I am trying
Parents listen, the more you say no without a valid reason the more that their going to do it the second they get the chance . Don't be unreasonable and listen to what you're child is saying.
I think this only works in text books. A child who is willingly refusing to do as they are told should know that there is a consequence for their actions because in the real world, there will be consequences.
I agree
Fam this is a trained professional who's actually worked with children. You're just some bitter rando on in a UA-cam comment sections please take several seats
@@prixe12 that's his opinion tho. Not everything in psychology is set in stone. It's his theory, not all theories works for everyone.
Well, Kee Mon literally wrote the child “should know” there are consequences to their actions, as if the answer comes innately from within. I think the real life and real world scenarios show that most children don’t understand the concept of causation, that of cause and effect. They won’t always understand a slap to the face is because a bad word slipped out of their mouth. They might remember the pain and humiliation, but not that they deserved it for something they did in the moment then quickly forgot. In fact, the takeaway is more likely to fear and distrust the person who is supposed to be taking care of you.
I suppose in both situations, whether heeding the advice in the video or using corporal punishment, you are teaching the lesson of consequences, but again in both scenarios, you are molding their behavior. There is nothing innate about it.
I agree with you we ask kids 20x to do a task and still not doing it.
The this month when my kids were with me and family I was working more on not being a bad mom to them. I was telling them about the gospel,asking what is wrong,explained to them why they were not going back outside and more. My kids really have their daddy as custodial parent. I just need to work on me more because the enemy just helped with alot of problems that were occuring.
TY, this is the 1st time i can honestly say i learned something and more importantly appreciate it. TY.
You BEAT the shit out of them with a pasta spoon.
That’s abuse.
Different methods works for different kids you as a parent just have to follow your guts. I give my kids exercise as punishment. We exercise as a family but what i realised with my kids is that they love doing things together so as punishment the trouble maker would either exercise wash dishes etc by themselves without any help. It works for my older kids my toddlers i give mommy lap time because she is adventurous and never sits still. So in mommy lap time is where she must sit watch color crew. It may not sound like discipline but for a child who loves to walk all over the house sitting one place is torture.
I think is important we start well with our children by allowing them to attend a good school and not just any school, starting well will help to avoid discipline, i have also try so many method in my school.
No such thing as a good school. Here all the so called 'Good' schools turn out really awful mentally crippled adults often with self harming or addictions that cannot perform in society on a basic level.
My 3 yrs girl always runs off when I tell her to sit for reading or writing
She always get distracted
How can I avoid her from distraction
How can I make her concentrate on early learning?
Plz answer my questions sir .
“I am 2. I am not terrible…I am frustrated. I am nervous, stressed out, overwhelmed, and confused. I need a hug.”
From the diary of a 2-year-old:
Today I woke up and wanted to get dressed by myself but was told “No, we don’t have time, let me do it.”
This made me sad.
I wanted to feed myself for breakfast but was told,
“No, you’re too messy, let me do it for you.”
This made me feel frustrated.
I wanted to walk to the car and get in on my own but was told, “No, we need to get going, we don’t have time. Let me do it.”
This made me cry.
I wanted to get out of the car on my own but was told “No, we don’t have time, let me do it.”
This made me want to run away.
Later I wanted to play with blocks but was told “no, not like that, like this…”
I decided I didn’t want to play with blocks anymore. I wanted to play with a doll that someone else had, so I took it. I was told “No, don’t do that! You have to share.”
I’m not sure what I did, but it made me sad. So I cried. I wanted a hug but was told “No, you’re fine, go play”.
I’m being told it’s time to pick up. I know this because someone keeps saying, “Go pick up your toys.”
I am not sure what to do, I am waiting for someone to show me.
“What are you doing? Why are you just standing there? Pick up your toys, now!”
I was not allowed to dress myself or move my own body to get to where I needed to go, but now I am being asked to pick things up.
I’m not sure what to do. Is someone supposed to show me how to do this? Where do I start? Where do these things go? I am hearing a lot of words but I do not understand what is being asked of me. I am scared and do not move.
I lay down on the floor and cry.
When it was time to eat I wanted to get my own food but was told “no, you’re too little. Let me do it.”
This made me feel small. I tried to eat the food in front of me but I did not put it there and someone keeps saying “Here, try this, eat this…” and putting things in my face.
I didn’t want to eat anymore. This made me want to throw things and cry.
I can’t get down from the table because no one will let me…because I’m too small and I can’t. They keep saying I have to take a bite. This makes me cry more. I’m hungry and frustrated and sad. I’m tired and I need someone to hold me. I do not feel safe or in control. This makes me scared. I cry even more.
I am 2. No one will let me dress myself, no one will let me move my own body where it needs to go, no one will let me attend to my own needs.
However, I am expected to know how to share, “listen”, or “wait a minute”. I am expected to know what to say and how to act or handle my emotions. I am expected to sit still or know that if I throw something it might break….But, I do NOT know these things.
I am not allowed to practice my skills of walking, pushing, pulling, zipping, buttoning, pouring, serving, climbing, running, throwing or doing things that I know I can do. Things that interest me and make me curious, these are the things I am NOT allowed to do.
I am 2. I am not terrible…I am frustrated. I am nervous, stressed out, overwhelmed, and confused. I need a hug.
*Thank you, Dejah Roman for your POWERFUL words*
*follow Mary Katherine Backstrom for more parenting encouragement*
Alicia Lugo i am so relieved to read this. Im seriously scared of all these people in the comments saying their child is bad and we need to beat them and discipline them. Its crazy. The problem isnt the child. The problem is that there is not enough room to be a child.
Thank you Doctor, so much for this video. It really helps me with my Grandson.
Old school common sense is what we need to get back to with raising kids.
Nope
Authenticity vs. Attachment people
smacking is the answer , todays children are unruly disobedient and out of control, its no use telling a child not to do something that is wrong , because the child will keep doing it, I hear the idiots say smacking is cruel, well if it prevents them ending up in prison I say its good
well, actually it's scientifically proven that by you smacking your child they will probably develop anger issues which is not good
also, as a child, when my parent smacks me i don't want to do what i'm told, i get mad and shut down and later i cry in my room and hold a grudge for meny years to come :)
so please, don't smack your children, it doesn't make them do what you told and they see you as an enemy more than a parent and a person they want to listen to
just because we are young doesn't mean we are dumb, we want to be respected as well :)
@@elenabogdanovic9329 sorry but you are so wrong and so is that rubbish people are given Scientifically proven that is all bull shit and propaganda , who are these scientist anyway, i was a prison officer for 25 years , and had to deal with hundreds young offenders many from good homes , i did my own investigation over the years, and when i asked the parents did they smack there children when they were growing up up to 90% said no , so when i here these clowns say smacking will probably end up with children having anger issues , i never did or any of my family and none of my friends or workmates and we all were smacked as children if we did something wrong ,
Thank you! Finally Some new jnformation other then the same things repeated in other parenting videos. Thank you
I get what the doc is saying... take the time to discipline don't just rush to administer a consequence (ei: spanking, time out, no phone etc).
I also get the point system. Asking your child over and over to do something until you blow a fuse doesn't benefit anybody.
Get off your ass and walk over to your child and hold them accountable to do as their told, without rushing to spank or be physical every time.
Sue, your words are simple and magic. The answer really is right there! "Get off your ass and walk over to your child and hold them accountable to do as their told, without rushing to spank or be physical every time." Lazy fkn parents need to get the fk up off there @rse and stand in front of there kid till sht gets done!!!!! No need for violence or ape like screaming. A parent tantrum doesn't do any good either. I don't give a sht about the excuses I hear about a parent being tired! Etc, you had a kid, now FKN RAISE THEM!
Spanking equals you going to jail bitch
Sue Lira Spanking is unacceptable. Unless you want to be hit in your old age.
Off my ass asking my child to do what their told .. she says make me... she gets her ass busted.. she gets up n does it immediately. Problem solved. When a cop tells u to get out of the car as an adult u say no what happens? They forcefully remove you from the vehicle after tazing u... reality check for u right? That's what happens to a child /now adult who doesn't think they have to listen to authority. We are preparing them for their future.. and future situations u listen the 1st time you are told or else....
@@michellea.dufresne7331spanking is legal call your local police department or lawyer
If I ask my daughter to take her vitamins or put her jacket on and she doesn’t listen and then I go over to her to inquire as you mentioned she would just run away like a game. What do I do at that point?
Or the kid says, "I didn't want to come because I want to play." And then you have nothing, because they don't want your comfort, they want to play. And then you end up spending three extra minutes getting them to follow every little direction, which renders your class of twenty kids unmanageable if that child's expectation spreads to everyone else, because you don't have an hour to spend on every transition between activities - generally, you have less than five minutes for the whole class. Also, your proposed strategy will likely condition any kid to expect that it's okay to ignore an adult and wait for the extra conversation about why it's actually time to do whatever an adult has suggested the need to do. So your kids will be increasingly unlikely to clean up at first request. That's fine if your kid is homeschooled and has all the time in the world to get bored of asking inane questions about little details of their day, but impossible in a strictly-timed group-behavioral-management context, or in a context where immediate obedience is a life-or-death necessity.
Besides that, kids learn to understand negative consequences by experiencing them, and you are denying them an important lesson from the Universe about how Nature really works when you make every effort to avoid any negative-feeling consequence that might teach them to avoid problematic behaviors.
Also, "punishment" in psychology has for many people come to mean anything that reduces undesirable behavior. Under this definition, to whatever extent your "consequence" actually SUCCEEDS in reducing the undesirable behavior (ignoring your weak, boring request), it is a punishment. So you sound unscientific to suggest that your consequence is fundamentally different from punishment as serious psychologists classically understand it, ever since Skinner (unlike you) carefully operationalized the concepts of reward and punishment decades ago.
I think the context of this advice is a critically missing determiner of its practical value. If we're talking about someone who has no idea that following quickly is important for reasons A, B, and C, you can often correct behavior by explaining A, B, and C in a way that is totally redirecting, and not explicitly focused on reducing the problem behavior (while still practically accomplishing that outcome). But many kids understand A, B, and C, have decided that they don't particularly care about them, and choose to prioritize their own desires over those of adults. For example, consider any kid who knows how to have way more fun than an adult can allow them to have during school. Those children will not respond unless they experience consequences that are ultimately undesirable and thus punishing on some level.
No what matter what you do sometimes, some kids are just born with a turbulent mentality that they never grow out of. It’s just one of the risks you take when deciding to have children 🤷🏽♀️
I’m trying to help parent an emotionally disturbed 12 year old my wife adopted with a previous partner and maintaining positivity through managing his behaviors is extremely challenging. I have to put myself in time outs to hide my pure hatred for him and the chaos and harm he’s inflicted on our family sometimes. I often can’t wait for for the miserable chore of trying to parent this angry abusive selfish child to be done with. I hope this gets better. He’s been in residential care for a year and is due to come back this spring if we can’t get an extension. I’ve seen him make some progress while there, but mostly he’s recycled all of his manipulative tactics. Fake asthma, triangulation against one staff member he targets, refusing to comply with staff requests, staying on their version of “time out” which is exclusion from group activities or outings for weeks and then breaking down usually with tears before complying with authority for two days and then he resets to noncompliance. He seems to be unable to enjoy life unless he’s doing something at another person’s expense. I just despise and reject exploiters in general as adults and I can not believe how abusive this kid is at such a young age.
I hope he can get better and form a plan because when he’s 18 I am DONE!
How has it turned out since posting? Did you find something that worked for you and the kid?
Great advice I'm excited to try this
How did it go?
Some kids this does not work for , you have to spare the rod! Especially when you co parent with a parent who teaches the child to not have respect for the other parent.
Interestingly, girls are more sensative. They're far more likely to respond negatively to a stern voice, etc. I am finding that being firm and consistent is best, as opposed to flat out being stern.
So what's the next step if non of this is working?
obedience and authority are the problem... not the child
taugiri How do you teach what you were never taught?
@@MrsPinkyThoughts Lmao you know nothing about this person's life and you literally just called them ignorant. By your logic, you cant know the effectiveness of patience and compassion. You were never taught it.
My son listens and follows directions at home. He does what he's told and finishes his chores without having to be asked. However, he gets a bad report from school nearly every day due to not following directions. I have done my best to show my son that his Teacher and I are on the same page when addressing his disobedience. When he is in trouble at school, he is in trouble with us. I believe it is important for my kids to have respect for authority outside of our home as well and if he's not listening, he's not learning. But nothing we seem to do seems to help. How do I ensure my son is listening to others outside of our family without following and hovering him. (btw I have Not done that, but others are suggesting that I sit in his class to enforce discipline, but that would still mean he is listening to ME, not his teacher, so idk what to do) Help!
Ask and talk to your son what it is he struggles with in school. If he needs help , how he can achieve better grades, what it will mean for him. And also give him a tyoe of reward for doing well.
this sounds great. I'm currently in a daycare with 2-3yr olds and most of them if not all are extremely disobedient. I try these tactics over and over and all they want to do is challenge us and don't even care if there are consequences. I'm not sure how else to approach these little ones and if you speak to the parent's, it's almost like we are on opposite teams. I'm not sure how else to get through to them.
Wow! Such a short video and yet so helpful! Thank you so much! 🙏🥰
None of this works with my grandson- he feels he has entitlement to not listen, talk back keep asking negotiate- he wont stop verbally - abandonment issues with his mom leaving when he was 4-
2.5 years of upset ! Counselors an behaviorist says we have it under control! No we dont! He is rightfully angry confused and broken hearted! And no consequence no restrictions no talking works!
But what if you’d asked them to do something [the same thing] over and over for over a year?
Very well-said! Thanks
I wish I could stay calm. Every time I reach my breaking point I turned into the devil.
You can do it, catch yourselves and speak softly but with a stare and ask for a hug after you've said what is needed . Then ask if they would like you to repeat what you just said. It give them a sense of I have a choice subconsciously. Kids are here to train parents and parents are here to guide them .
Such an eye opener Sir. Thanks very much. I wish I had seen this video much earlier.
My son is 17 and would have graduated this coming Tuesday so when he didn't go to class for 3 weeks after Spring break I took away his video games which made him more resistant to do his work. So now he will be going to extended school year til 6/8 to earn his diploma but he won't be able to participate in the graduation ceremony since he has barely touched his 2nd semester work. He's bright he knows how to do the work its just the work is super boring and he feels he wont' be using any of this information when he attains a job in the future. I've been a single parent to him and his 19 yr old sister. She studies and works no problem. He's always had an issue with authority in school, not outside school, he respects police officers, admires military personnel etc. I think he was missing an authoratative male figure in his life. He doesn't even care that he was to receive a paid trip to visit a friend in Virginia with expenses paid for going out, ubers, hotel, etc., I don't think he will make it thru these next 7 days and his teachers have pretty much checked out calling me saying "we don't see him graduating", thanks for the boost of confidence.
I can't help but laugh. At 1:34 the scenario was that the parent asked the child to stand up and put their shoes on. The "consequence" was walking over, putting hands on child shoulder and asking the child what the issue was and why he didn't comply with the request and pick up the Legos. ??? Good luck, dude.
because that is so relevant...
just wonder if someone is able to answer me this: dr. says punishment doesnt teach kids neither it motivates to change their behaviour, however i've read that there are two types of motivation in humans - Toward Pleasure and Away From Pain. As for the kids they must act the same way and therefore half of them would respond to punishment positively unless motivation is not formatted fully in the kids. shouldn't we first understand our kids and then choose the best approach for showing consequences in the right way?..
Ok lets look at a specific example. If a child doesnt brush his/her teeth, what will "pain' teach a child? Punishment only tells children that disobeying is painful (if we are talking about hitting/ yelling etc) it teaches absolutely nothing when it comes to the reasons of the parents request. In the example of brushing teeth, the child needs to learn that not brushing will make teeth rot and fall out etc. Dont forget, you are raising a self directed adult to be, children need to know the reasons, not pain.
samuils I agree its a good example, however i was not referring to punishment as motivation as it in no ways is one, luckily not anymore. I'll give an example: some of us create plans and strive for achievement ( a proactive approach), the others on the other hand wait until a problem occur,wait until it becomes unavoidable and very painful and would only then star acting. A simple example would be a toothache, they would wait until half of the face gets swollen and only then would go to see a dentist as opposite to the first group who would go for regular check ups and would avoid this to happen. In medieval ages there would be a place for entertainment to attract the first group who would be motivated to work hard to get a deserved entertainments and a gallows to scare shit out of the second group who would work just to avoid being hanged. As you can see there always was and still exist the same ways of motivating people or self motivation as grown ups would refer. So my question would be: is motivation in kids work the same way or it appears some time later. as it would be beneficial to take right approach to make sure we motivate them in the correct direction and not suppress their personalities.
*****
Hi, children by nature are incredibly motivated. The motivation to walk, the inherent motivation in developing motor functions, as well as speech and so on. I would rather say that motivation gets knocked out of children by neglectful parents (not saying you are neglectful, just gave it as an example). As far as "correct direction" well what is correct direction? The way you might want to approach this is, if you have good reasons as to why a particular direction is good, then you can and should take time to teach this to your child, if you cant explain it, then maybe its an irrelevant one. Im sorry, I have little to go on, as we are speaking abstracts, so I apologize if I misunderstood something. And yes, directing them while listening at the same time, is the best way.
samuils Hi. Oh, i see your point about neglectful parents as i have observed some parents not praising their kids and giving them a bad feedback when their beloved ones explore the world and fail on something. I was raised the same way, my parents weren't the brightest ones and i had to relearn the world by educating myself. I am father-to-be and would like to give my child lessons he would enjoy having and find them beneficial later in his life. So i have so many questions on HOW TO, but i think the answer will never be the same as they all ( our kids) are different. So for giving right directions, i believe depends on your as a parent education, your kids character and the outer world which, we have so little influence, thus as you say, we as parents have to build our children's right motivation.
*****
Hi, there are many books out there on peaceful parenting, as well as philosophical parenting, hope you give them a read, also many websites dedicated to the subject. One thing I want to mention, that is universality. Universality which children understand from a very early age, meaning if you ask them to do something and they dont, its ok, but calmly you can tell a child "well see now that you didnt do this subjective thing I asked, which is ok, but this also means that I get to not do something when you ask, do you agree to these conditions?" Also, it was found that children can negotiate from very early speaking age as well. So its incredibly useful to teach your children negotiation by finding a common ground in every day activity or request, this is an incredible skill to learn for their future, where they will be able to negotiate vs. win/ lose. Lastly, dont set your self up as an infallible all knowing authority, this doesnt work well, kids need to learn not to fear authority, rather to understand that authority is there to help and to learn from. Congratulations on being a future parent, and with your mind set I wouldnt worry too much about being a wonderful parent. Get the knowledge and you will be great :)
Thanks
Thankyou so much please tell how to teach 15 year old son for studies, whoes exams are on his head n no prescription yet. even chapters were also not read
If you have the funds get a Exam Tutor. If not there are lots of videos you can watch here on routines for Teenagers. Routines help to keep things in order. Once he or she has a daily life routine the revision time will be pleasant and they will enjoy it rather than ignore it. (One more thing, this is for YOU make time for yourself so you don't get stressed about it too ..........ok?) :)
Time outs work a ton if done properly. Thats the issue. People do NOT use time outs appropriately.
Watching this as being the child who is suppose to being doing their homework. My parents should probs watch this
If we have to go or are on a time limit I am not putting my hand on my child's shoulder and saying what are you doing? It was a reasonable request. She knows the rules and I was clear. She does not run the show. Take away something or deny her having something because of this disobedience but all that just wastes my time. It is also disrespectful of the relationship that we have as mother and daughter. She will have to lose something or not get a reward or something she wants.
+Jennifer Brown parent of young child: "i'm too busy to raise my child"
10-15 years later: "why is my child such a horrible person? i did everything right!"
My rh - Handbook goad
My rh - Handbook
Exactly.
My rh - Handbook agreed!
I just dont see parents teaching their children to have respect. I was taught to come downstairs and greet guests even if they had not seen me or came to see me. I really hated it but I see that it taught me to have respect and appreciation towards others and you didnt even dare to raise your voice at your parents.
@DJHart having respect is ew. Goodluck with parenthood😂
Pray to God dhikr - He lifts all
Thank you so much
Very helpful thank you!
My firstborn son is so defiant, I'm having a breakdown, crying twice a day at least from how bad he is. Everything is a fight with him. He says no to everything, I can't put the gate up to the kitchen to clean without him throwing a tantrum. My 2 year old son is way better behaved, and has less tantrums.
That is so difficult, we may be able to give you suggestions, how old is he?
If my authority points go in the Neg.
Can I then discard the child ? Lol
Danny Mach lmao 😂
Hahahaha!!!
Start over with a new one. Keep trying until you get it right. If you don't get it right within 10yrs go back and find the first one again and give them a bunch of cookies and an xbox. Then you'll have grandchildren.
Omg 😂
Very useful for our life your videos are thanks
My mom.didnt discipline and let me be so mean to my younger siblings to the point that now i regret it so much i could blow my brains out just from the thought i i dropped my baby brother on his head i was a ungrateful disrespectful brat and my mom.wouldnt do anything about it thank God dss finally took me away from her and took my siblings away in which they where protected more and i was disaplined more but seriously children need schedules and structure and correction it has made my self esteem low my whole life and my siblings for her not protecting them its like we didnt matter enough them to be protected and for me to not be disciplined or corrected but my siblings are strong now stronger than me at times thank the Lord i have bipolar and personailty disorder makes me out of wack at times but i will never feel.sorry for my self you live and you learn
a five year old student wiped a booger on me and laughed and i went down to his level and questioned why he did it. he said it was funny. he was laughing with his friend and they are both really annoying together... i said that he was the only one laughing and it was really mean. he just kept laughing and joking with his friend i really tried and do not know what to do with these kids anymore. im just so tired. i dont feel like i don't get through to these kids and it breaks my heart thinking about screaming at them...
I really appreciate this video. Thank you.
Positive discipline needs to be upgraded
Thanks for this video .
Establish. Respect not by disciplin, but as roll with disciplin
Let children, be, and respect,... You use mental, and heart to heart
Sense, .... We love, the person in respectfully leadership not
A desperado. Or hurtful,
Hand on the shoulder is a consequence??
Yea like what's the point
U guys be quiet he is helping don't be all rude like u got no ses
How to disciple your child? In the worst case scenario hit them.
What you don't learn through love you sure will learn through pain.
I don’t see how this can help with what just happened. I have a six year old son. I told him were going upstairs and I’ll read him a story before bed. He didn’t come up. I called down to remind him. He came halfway up and stared belligerently at me. I started to get annoyed after repeating myself so much so I started to raise my voice. He came the rest of the way up, but wouldn’t let me brush his teeth, and he wouldn’t change his clothes. Forget trying to put my hand on his shoulder and asking what was up- I couldn’t get near him. After chasing him around upstairs like an idiot I started yelling. I’m ready to give up honestly.
Just for clarification, I deal with this nonsense on a daily basis. My older son is fine. Over the years I’ve tried talking, charts, time outs , and even an occasional spanking. When he’s in a defiant mood every form of discipline just makes him more stubborn
How would you recommend addressing the "because I wanted to/didn't want to" answer?
hello please can you tell me what you mean ,By congratulations you've raised a monster
mrmn8honeybee great question
Reply: Understood. I heard you. (Pause......looking them in the eye calmly count to 3) then 'Now you NEED to etc etc........ :)
i am concerned about my traumatic childhood is pushed onto my child.
My mom "calmly" whooped my ass with a paint stirrer from ace hardware and I turned out just fine lol
MrBoatsnhoes69 😂😂😭😭
My mom did as well. She got back some twenty years later. Especially the verbal abuse part. And told her, one day she'll be old and fragile. She was a big supporter of the eye for an eye approach and that's what she gets back. I learnt the lesson she taught.
TimeMaster77 Well done!you are not better than your mom!
+topshelftotheright They weren't, but it wasn't their fault their mom was shit at parenting neither.
Cheers for the video content! Excuse me for the intrusion, I am interested in your initial thoughts. Have you thought about - Trentvorty Kids Science Theorem (should be on google have a look)? It is an awesome exclusive guide for becoming an excellent parent minus the normal expense. Ive heard some pretty good things about it and my best friend Jordan finally got amazing success with it.
A mother bear will give a cub a swat every once in a while in the woods. They should watch this video.
we are not bears though. We are humans for crying outloud
Damn This Guy Knows What He Is Talking About !!! I Know From Experience ;) Thanks
What are some consequences for teenagers other than phone and tv? My odd 15 yo son wont listen at all!!
Man I've screwed up my kids for sure.
The worst thing u can do to discipline a child is to yell at them eventually that child wont do what u ask until u start to yell.
Its effective thanks for the advice
I have a question though what should be do if a child has abandonment issues and there constantly with her how do we fix that?
There is child around 8standard which never listen has lot of attitude like I or we pay the school fee and why should I listen or participate in any circular activities at school and creates drama like story like getting hurt when asked for medical slip just say got permacutacal medicine so doesn't have slip....is it linked due to parental behaviour or something else sir been seeing this kid after joining
excellent advice.
Very good advice!