I’m so pissed off right now and I feel like people don’t understand- how could they? They haven’t been in my shoes. And I swear to god and all things holy if one more person says “you have to take care of yourself too” I’m gonna scream! Maybe if I had some help I could take better care of myself.
@Ladybug And its like she only talks about women going thru this. I am a 36 year old man dealing with my elderly grandmother full time while working full time from home. My life feels like a prison. The last time I went on a vacation my mom and to take my grandmother to the ER again. So I guess I am to never leave the house. That and my only heal from my mother went from 2 to 3 days a week while I was working to 1 day on Sunday. WHEN I AM OFF. And she acts like she does something. At least I can escape then while my mom give her a bath. The one thing that pisses me off about all of this is when I am old enough to make it to needing help I won't have any. So my plan is the 357 retirement plan.
@@joshuatipton1994I am feeling very fatalistic myself. I feel like one of us is going to go soon, I just hope it's not me. Hang in there Josh. We come down here because heaven is too boring. You'll rest when you go home and you'll recover enough energy to have another life. Enjoy whatever moments you can.
FOR REAL!!!! If I hear another person say "our job is to train the caregiver" or "just take 15 minutes a day for YOU" like you can take care of all the other responsibilities you have and the other hats you wear in 15 minutes!! I finally found a caregiver who has been helping for 8 days and my partner said "you've had time for yourself 4 days last week" like all of a sudden everything is better after 6 years of 24/7 attention and care. And my guy is a TRAINED therapist with a PhD degree and he is fighting me on having time for anything else in life.
I feel the exact same way you do while my brother is enjoying his life with his wife and traveling and having a blast I’m at home taking care of all the physical and emotional turmoil from my parent. I have very little support at all and absolutely no physical support, and on top of that whenever my parents illness becomes too much, they met their frustrations with me and when they do they let me know how little they appreciate all I have sacrificed. When I started being a caregiver, I was young and full of hope and I am aging and there are so many things in my life I wanted to do and I feel like I can’t do them.
I am 52 and taking care of both my 82 yr old parents and the house. It is slowly killing me. Frankly my life is over. I wish everyone the best and pray for each other. 🙏
@Jolie France Do your best and be prepared that it may not be enough. This has been a big sudden change to life we are both in our 50s so whatever happens no regrets ok? 😔
I'm 100% disabled caring for 2 elderly parents & your the only one I've ever seen caring for 2 also. It isvTOTALLY different than caring for just one parent & people just don't care or help! I am sorry for you! God bless you!
@@k.r.1069 It is mostly my father. There doesn't seem to be a limit to what he asks for so I have to put a limit. He is a very self absorbed, self centered person.
I so feel for all the caregivers everywhere and especially those who have commented here. One aspect of my work was to liaise with caregivers but it was not until I became one myself that I really understand what the role involves. I am not in good health myself anyway but an only child with no family. What stops a total collapse of my health is paying for a professional carer to come in four hours a day. Although I have the other twenty hours plus her holidays and day off, her assistance is invaluable. I wish that help for all the wonderful caregivers out there.
Spot on! Caregiver support is NOT defined by what's most convenient for others to offer.... it's defined by what the specific needs of the caregiver are!
As only child taking care of both my 66yo parents after each of their strokes. At 29, 2years in I havent had a full day to myself since. Utterly exhausted and its sad that the friends I do have do nothing for me. Family isn't around to help. I'd do anything to get out of this and my parents just don't get it most days. Between caregiver burnout and compassion fatigue I'm widdled down to a shadow of myself. The future definitely feels bleak as theyre not old and if 10 more years go by ill be 40 and they'll only be 76...no family for myself no career etc...
@@casterscollectibles im only 27 and I feel this way. I just called a nursing home a few days ago and they told me that since my mom only makes a certain amount, she would most likely qualify to be taken in by the facility and they (the nursing home) would apply for financial help for her and work with her to find a solution to pay for the cost of her living there. You might call your local nursing homes and see what they can offer. I spent the last 11 years taking care of my mom and I love her but I have been burned out for a few years now and my level of care is really declining. I still do the necessities but I am upset alot of the time and snippy, I don't want to be that way but I just get upset so easily these days... I have had alot of friends and family tell me that my life is worth living and that I need to get out. So as someone that is going through the same thing I completely understand what you are going through, please make a few calls to some nursing homes and ask about the process to move your parents into the home. It might change your life, IT IS YOUR LIFE AND YOU NEED TO LIVE IT! Much love and I hope all is well in the future :)
@@Melly16yr10 thank you even if it's working as a caregiver I currently work as a caregiver and I can't wait to leave it is so mentally and emotionally draining I can't take it anymore it feels like torture it's very hard I understand exactly where ya'll coming from
@@muvadeath Yes. I'm at this point as well. No one understands unless they've been a caregiver. "Caregiver".....even that word doesn't really sum it up. It sounds so light and easy and innocuous. It's torture is what it is. I don't even know if I'll survive it. I think my 92 year old dad will outlive me.
I know I think about it at least once every day and I’ve thought about it since I was in my early teens. And I feel guilty about it and think about the despair and confusion my disabled sister would go through if I went through with it and how my mother would probably kill herself if I wasn’t around to help and I don’t. I know I can’t do it to them; It makes me sick just thinking about it. I relate a lot to Robert Frost’s poem, Miles To Go Before I Sleep. I’ve got responsibilities to my loved ones, but when that’s over with, I can’t wait to sleep.
The truth is sometimes there is not any help out there. I was a caregiver for my mom who had Alzheimer’s disease for over 5 years. I tried applying to every organization I heard about. She didn’t qualify for anything. There weren’t any family members able to help. The only help I could get cost a fortune, but somehow moms money lasted enough to pay someone for a little while each day. The physical stress on my body has been extreme, the emotional turmoil too. It is not as easy as you make it sound to get help. As a country we need to do better in this area - too many caregivers are suffering alone, and there are plenty more in the horizon!
Everyone’s situation is different. I don’t know how much longer my mother or myself will last 🥴... I’m no spring chicken! Two neurologists, two diagnoses; Alzheimer’s or Lewy bodies dementia so pick your poison 😩. Going on 5 years with mom, a year with dad prior (lung cancer was fast) I’m glad to find Sophia’s channel. I’ve listened to a lot of the videos and they are all helpful to a degree. We have to pick the parts that work for us and give each other an ear when we have to vent. It’s NOT easy to watch your favorite person lose their mind 😭
@Susan S I’m so sorry for both you and your mom! You are absolutely right- it’s the worst watching your best friend lose their cognitive abilities! I hope you are able to find some help and able to take care of yourself in the process of caring for your mom!
Just reading the comments helped me get over a really dark couple of hours today. I’m so tired. Where has my happy gone. In our 12th year with my husband’s Alzheimer’s. Today he is 72. It’s the loneliest journey I’ve ever been on. People mean well but they don’t really get it if they haven’t experienced it. They say they do but they are clueless. The insurance companies are a scam. There’s no help if you’re not poor. If you’re not poor they want everything and nothing is private if you ask for help. It’s mind blowing. I’m not alone. Thanks for sharing yourselves with me. ❤
You are correct in saying there is no help if you're not poor. I know the woman in this video means well, but there are NO options for my situation. No family willing to help either. It's mind-blowing the suffering so many of us go through and others are oblivious or just don't care.
I’m the sole caregiver for my mom, am 64 and have never been so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted in my life. I don’t even know who I am anymore😢
@@debby891 I'm so sorry. It's been 5 years for me but feels like 100. There should be help for us, family, community, church, federal.....There are millions like us out there. We are ignored and told it is our duty and just suck it up. I feel like my spirit has died. I'm 59 and I understand your pain and exhaustion so well. Also, the identity erosion. I don't even remember what happiness or peace feels like.
Your video was spot on. I have been caring for dad for 4 years, it feels like a lifetime. There are so many emotions I go through everyday, resentment, anger, laughing, crying, calm. It all depends how my father wakes up that day. I was very active and social. My existence is 4 rooms, cleaning up messes that would make a pig puke. My days start 6- 1130p. I miss who I was, I feel like I lost my identity and friends. I bring up getting outside help and it starts a full blown argument. It is just my husband and myself. I have given up and realize one day I will get my life back.
I understand how you feel. I went through similar situations while I took care of my mom. Try to take a day off once a week to do what you want and to remember who you are. I lost my sense of self and even forgot the things that I wanted for myself. Do your best to live in balance.
Same thing is happening to me I care for my gma have been since I was 16 now I'm 19 and it's so fucking hard and me and her relationship is just getting worse and worse I feel so guilty
@@carbogen we are human. People forget and we put others before ourselves and we burn out. It is so hard to be the primary caregiver and sometimes the person we are caring for doesn't appreciate or understand what we care up to help them. My dad died last July 2022. I was extremely sad of his passing and I miss him terribly. I did the best I could. I wasn't perfect but I always had the best intentions for him. It is hard now with this new freedom. The house seems empty. But now it is time to have a life for my husband and me. I can look in the mirror and say I was a good daughter. Unfortunately my brother will not be able to say his was a good son. One day he will see his true image in that mirror. Stay strong. Take time for you, the will help u regenerate for the next day. Remember you are human, don't be hard on yourself. You stepped up to the plate, that make you a special and awesome person
Unfortunately, dad passed away July 2022 . While I was cleaning his room, I found letters from him. He wrote how much he loved me and appreciated everything. I miss him. He is not suffering anymore.
Being a caregiver feels like I signed up to be the biggest idiot in the world like everyone’s just on the outside laughing at me and thanking god I was the dumb one that wanted to take this on.
I am taking care of my disabled father. I have been for the past five years. I live in one room in his house-- that is my existence. I have no privacy. I cannot destress because he badgers me for attention all of the time. I love him. My entire life has been on hold. I'm depressed, under a great deal of stress, and still hold a full time job on top of it, so that when he does die, one day, I can have some kind of life that doesn't consist of living in a cardboard box, fighting off strays for ramen. Burnout is my middle name.
I can totally understand. I am a caregiver for my adult disabled son. I have been a single mom for the past 7 years, after my ex husband was arrested. My son and I both have PTSD, on top of his other mental and developmental disabilities. Family has pretty much left us and don't help. Getting help through any programs is like pulling teeth.
Looking after my 82 yr old father. We are in the same house, I have lost my job and feel like my life is over. 6 months ago I was fully employed and had a life. What life is there now. I can't do this much longer. I am depressed and just lie in bed answering the door for his nurses, workers then cooking and cleaning. My life is over. 😔🙏
@@chrislim7976 I can Soo relate, I feel for u. I've lived it. I worked thru Chemo. That was easy compared to full time caregiving. A counselor kept me together just enough to function. IF U READ this so far after the posting date, I am willing to listen and be a sounding board.
I am 24 years old and I have been a caregiver for my father who had a stroke in 2014 ( I was 17 years old). I work full time and recently graduated from college, I honestly don't know how I made it through school and work and caring for my father. I have just come to realize I have caregiver burnout and I do find myself feeling guilty for wanting a different life or even just time for myself. I look at other people my age and see all of the freedoms they have and feel envious. I feel absolutely guilty because my dad did everything to make sure my sister and I had a good life and I feel like I owe it to him to be this amazing person and keep pushing but he has become more impatient with me now more than ever. its nice to see the comments of other people who can relate to this situation because sometimes I feel like no one really truly understands the sacrifices we make to be a caregiver. I have lost myself and forgotten what I love to do, what makes me happy. my husband recently asked me... "what do you want to do? not something that will make me happy or your dad but YOU?" and I couldn't answer. :(
I was the same age you were when I had to start taking care of my mom. 2 weeks after I graduated high school, my mom broke 2 bones around her right ankle and she hasn't been 100% mobile ever since. I didn't have to juggle college and caregiving like you did, but because of her not quite being 100%, I didn't get to fully kick back and relax each summer of college and the mobility woes were the only reason I came back to my hometown after college (I would've stayed in my college town had my mom been 100% mobile). I was your current age when my mom's health took an unexpected detour and the caregiving duties went up. She had a 2nd ankle injury 3 yrs ago (same injury, but to the left ankle) and has been 100% immobile ever since. I've had to basically give up my life and hit the pause button for her. Breaks have been few and far in between. She was hoping to do physical therapy last spring, but Covid had other ideas. Until recently, she has been out of bed less and less often in the past year and a half and I'm almost begging her to be out of bed more than just once a week. She bought a floor elliptical last June, but has hardly used it (she's used it a grand total of 6 times this year). She wants to get better and do normal things again, but she isn't as motivated as she could be. She'll be 70 at the end of this year. Like you, I've seen quite a few people I knew from high school and college have jobs, get married, and have kids, and I wish I was among them. I just hope I'm not unemployable and forever single as a result of early caregiving. I turned 29 over a month ago and aside from my college degree, I haven't done a thing in my 20s. Last year should've been the 10th anniversary of my mom becoming an empty nester and I should be out of the nest, gainfully employed, living on my own, and at least have a girlfriend right now. Caregiving is all I've known since graduating college and when this nightmare eventually ends, I want nothing to do with it. The only person I'll be taking care of will be myself. Everyone else (family, friends, strangers) is on their own. I do thank God for watching over me and my mom and without Him, I would probably be dead right now.
I understand. I took care of my mother for eight years. She died last year. I also lost myself while taking care of my mother and working with managers that I didn't like. Life gets hard. I also envied the freedom of others. Now I wish that I had helped my mom a little better and focused on her and quit my job. I feel like I failed her.
Can I say something at least you have a husband you have someone to emotionally support you and you have a semblance of a social life all of that for me is gone I don’t even know who would want to marry me as I feel my age go by each and every year. I wait hand and foot on my parent what’s worse is when they have one of the outburst they just let me know how little they appreciate everything I do for them
Everyone in the comment section is talking about being over 40 and having to take care of their elderly parent. I was 15 years old when I was left with the responsibility to take care of my elderly father and at 29 I am still doing so. Its just been me and him for so long, Ive self isolated, have no family to help me and no real friends. Everyones out living their wild fun 20s and I feel like my life is passing me by so fast. I feel like I never had the normal young life everyone else has had. I love my dad but it gets lonely and exhausting. I am so frustrated and angry every little thing sets me off. Then I feel guilty. Theres also the fear of having no one once he passes away. I feel like Im on an island alone with all this responsibility.
I was not as young as you when I began caregiving but I understand to some extent about missing the milestones and experiences of life. My mother got very sick with a form of chronic leukemia when I was 24. She struggled with chemotherapy and the side effects until she passed away when I was 36. She was never well for several years prior to her diagnosis (she refused to go to the doctor), so I missed the "normal" experiences associated with being a young adult. My dad couldn't manage to look after her because he had a heart condition and my brother has schizophrenia. On the rare occasion I went out my mother became very volatile (she had a mental illness as well) and lashed out at me.
I know what you mean. I feel some of those feelings too. I'm in my 40 and just a few days ago I started caregiving for the first time ever. My 30 something partner struggles with mental health and physical conditions. She recently had a psychotic break but she is improving quite nicely with her meds, day by day. It's exhausting and sometimes my sleep gets compromised, but I stay positive and encouraging, for both of us.
I'm a 64 yo caregiver of an 89 yo narcissistic, borderline personality mother who was abusive to me all my life. I have 3 brothers who don't help (2 have nothing to do with her) and 1 who stepped in a month ago only to tell me I don't matter only she does. Spent an hour telling me how useless I am. It's been 6 yrs of living under the same roof with her and taking her abuse while she makes herself out to be the victim to anyone easily manipulated, neighbors, other family, etc. I'm at my wits end
Caregiving is so stressful. I learned that I will not put my family through this when my time comes. Make sure you have a plan for your elderly years!!
I’m 40 and I’m taking care of my mom, she lives with me and she’s dying, it’s so hard. The whole thing sucks so bad! I try to stay positive and say “if I stay happy she will too” but That’s not my reality, I’m barely holding on. Whenever I feel like this I feel this enormous guilt. The guilt is what is killing me. I know I’m doing the best I can. But no one my age gets it. None of my friends are going through this and they can’t relate. I feel incredibly alone. I need a-break before I break. I love her to the moon, but this is really hard. My heart goes out to anyone taking care of an ailing parent. It’s tough man. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hi Rayraycat32. I'm so sorry, it's so hard. It sounds like you have a close and loving relationship, no need to feel guilty for that my dear! I recommend that you take a look at my video on anticipatory grief, it might help you a little. Here's a link: ua-cam.com/video/vJk_t8yc3ts/v-deo.html Best wishes, thinking about you!
@@regaeontop6021 hang in there. We are doing the best we can. It’s incredibly painful to watch and take care of someone you adore when they have so little time left. Watching them decline is utterly heartbreaking. But we got this! Thinking of you and sending you positive vibes 💕
I took care of my mother for eight years. She died last year and I'm still learning to continue to live without her. I wish I had done differently so that she would be alive today.
Caregiver to my wife. Caregiver to my FiL who recently had a stroke. I have 2 kids, one of whom is special needs. All my possessions fit into a medium suitcase. I have no room of my own, not even a bed. I genuinely don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live.
I'm an only child care giver. I'm really clear on what I want to have happen - in private when no one else can hear me scream my frustrations. I want my 99 year old hypochondriac father to die. And soon. After a decade of this, can't take much more. I swear some days I will drop dead before he does.
I don't know how you've done 10 years. I've done 5, alone, and every day I feel more of my spirit die. I'm not sure I have anything left. I'm so sorry. People who've never had to do this have no idea. Saying it's hell is an understatement.
Lost my dad last year. I'm taking care of my mom full time and working full-time! It's taking a toll on me. I feel so dizzy at times and just so overwhelmed. I'm not the only sibling either but he doesn't care. He told me he won't do anything for her. And my family sadly hasn't done anything to help me. I over her so I'll continue to take care of her but damn i do feel so alone and overwhelmed. I feel burnout so much. I'm 31! My life is still ahead of me. Lord give me strength
Its not my parents its my husband that I care for. He is bedridden with advanced MS. I have been his sole caregiver for the last 11 years. I don't want to live anymore but I can't die because so much depends on me. There is nothing to look forward to. I can only envision a grim future that I fear because I know he will get worse. I have completely lost my identity. I'm not sad anymore I am simply without hope. I don't even know how to ask for help because nothing will help.
Hi Cindy - your comment breaks my heart. I have only been caring for my dad for 7 months after losing my mom suddenly to Covid. My dad has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and it's spread to his lungs. your comment that you dont want to live anymore really struck me because I found myself googling how to kill myself and make it look like an accident this past week. I cant imagine 11 years. I just want to tell you that YOU are important . YOUR life matters too. Forgive yourself for being human, stop feeling guilty for feeling overwhelmed. Do you realize that in a care home your husband would have an entire staff of people caring for him, and you are doing all the work alone? At least the staff gets days off! How could you NOT feel exhausted and hopeless? I don't know how you are doing it and staying sane. I have started taking 1 day a week away from dad when possible and it's helping a little. At least I have 1 day to look forward to, destress, or try to remember what I used to enjoy doing. Please try to reach out to someone to help you achieve even a little time away to give yourself a break. Maybe one of his doctors could help you with resources. Maybe you could find a support group who might have some suggestions. Please do something - no one deserves the life you are living and your husband being ill doesn't change that. I hope I haven't offended you in any way - hugs to you
Yes, what Tricia said. I try to go for a walk every day after my morning routine with my mom (breakfast, bathing, dressing). Helps to de-stress and makes me thankful for earths beauty even when it’s below zero in the winter. She requires 24/7 care and I have an app on my phone that I can monitor her while I walk. I get groceries once a week while housekeeper comes in (my day off 🙌🏼) and I can even monitor her from 20 miles away. I’ll send you a link if you want. The cameras were $17 each but have now doubled but still well worth it!!!
I am 40, a single mother of 2 ,and taking care of my elder father. It is really exhausting physically,emotionally and financially. Some of my family member cannot understand what I'm going through and it really makes me sad. Caregiving is not that easy. You cannot say to a caregiver that you don't have to think of yourself. Really, it's very very very stressful.
I’ve been a caregiver for both my parents since the age of 12. I’m now 29 and take care of my mom, my dad passed in 2016. I love her I really do but it gets frustrating. Our relationship has gotten worse throughout the years. I feel so behind in life. People my age are settling down and stable financially. I’m still stuck here and I feel like I’m just drowning.
....Since, 2011, I have been assisting in the physical care and transition, of numerous family members, without a reprieve or vacation of any sort...None of my siblings are held to the same standards, they're all free to roam and live their lives, as they please, but I don't have the same luxury. My body and mind, both feel like, they're on the edge of a nervous breakdown - when I look in the mirror I don't even recognize, the image, staring back at me. My health, (physical, emotional and mental), always comes, LAST, no matter how hard, I try to put myself, first, I'm always left with the crumbs. My memory and concentration SUCK, I'm chronically fatigued, amongst other things, and every day, I grow more and more resentful, about being stuck in this holding pattern of illness and death, with no time to grieve, inbetween, or nurture myself. If this continues, my life, will be a complete waste, and I'll have nothing to show for it, and nobody, to care for me, when the time comes. As it is, covid aside, I couldn't even have surgery, if I wanted to, because there is literally, no one, available, to help me recover post-op. When I try, to express, to my family members, that I need a break, or how all of this, toxic stress is wearing of on me, I am told, that "I have it better than most people" and to "quit complaining" as my needs, pale in comparison, to those, of the people that I have been caring for over the past decade. How do you, get yourself, out of a situation, that you were born into, when you don't have the resources, to leave, but you're terrified for your own health and well-being, if you don't get yourself out of this environment, soon?
You are killing yourself and it's not fair or right. Your family is also taking advantage of you and you are letting them. I guarantee you no one will help you if you need it... Just do a test, call one of them and say you need a couple hundred dollars or you need them for a day and see what happens. You can easily get out of this. Tell your sick family member and members of the family that you cannot keep up with this. Tell them you will provide care for 4 more weeks, but they are going to have to find assisted living, a medicaid facility, or some kind of help for the loved one. Be firm about the decision as well. Don't accept excuses that we need more time, etc. They have four weeks and after that, you are no longer available. I know it sounds cruel and mean spirited. But to put it bluntly, you are being an idiot to do this to yourself. You need to grow a pair and live your own life. I have been in your situation. I was given all the burden and given every excuse in the book as to why they couldn't help. I would then see Facebook pics of boating trips, having a relaxing day, etc. When I gave them a four week notice, I was called an azzhole, selfish, a prick, and uncaring. They didn't take me seriously either, but I walked after four weeks. My brother quickly stepped in and she was in assisted living within a week. I still visit her from time to time and talk on the phone. But the staff there takes care of all the needs. My mental and physical health rapidly improved. I was able to get adequate sleep and have time for myself.
@@michaelh5055 Thank you...I really appreciate the advice and words of strength and emotional support...it also makes me feel, slightly less hopeless, knowing that you made it out, successfully. Over, the weekend, I made some long overdue and necessary phone calls, to family members, regardless of how many waves, it would cause and feelings, it would hurt... living in a chronic state of anticipatory grief, for the past decade, has been a nightmare... I'm tired of thinking about, "who or where, I would be, if I wasn't who or where, I am, now".... I want to LIVE, and THRIVE, while, I am doing it...I deserve to travel and explore, without guilt or anxiety. I'm a very empathetic person, which is both, a gift and a curse, all, at the same time. I'm also painfully aware, of what it feels like, to struggle, physically and I try to treat everyone, the way that I would want to be treated, as a result. Right now, I've got 2 immediate, family members, in the end stages of ALS and Cancer, and I have been begging and pleading, with my family members, to get them the care they need, for years, but I just kept getting shut down and ignored, due to everyone's denial. I've been trying, like hell.
@@theresistance3818 I fully understand how you feel. I am empathetic as well and it easily leads to people taking advantage of you. I would highly advise you to write a letter to send to family or to do a group call and explain this. What you are doing is a lot even for a caregiver who does this for a living. I also really think you need to talk to a counselor. A third party person can see things that you can't. I don't even know you and can see what your family is doing to you. Do it today. If you force the family to take responsibility, you are actually providing that person with more help. But be prepared for some nasty and cold treatment. I am really in your corner. I went through this same chit and it's not fun. But you owe it to yourself to have your own life.
@@michaelh5055 ... I REALLY needed to hear, everything that you said... And I know, that you meant it all, with love and that of my best and highest interest. Everybody has been so consumed with looking after, our family members, who have been / are terminally ill, that they've become oblivious to everything and one else. I forgot what it feels like, to have someone, look out for me or even to validate, my feelings. When you have to constantly fight against the beast, that is denial, it wears you down, in every capacity possible. You've given me strength and clarity, today, with this conversation.... Thank you, for taking the time, to comment and reach out, to me, because it has made an impact. Your truthful words and sentiments, feel like a warm hug 🫂 around my bleeding heart ❤️.
Thank you for the video. I agree with everything you have said. My parents left their parents and moved overseas. So they never were burdened with care giving. They don’t know . Yet my sister and I are expected to do everything and hold a job. They refused home help but my sister and I set boundaries and got them help. We are both exhausted 😩 be kind to yourselves, get help and live ! Sending you all much love and blessings ❤
Thanks for your video. I am the sole caregiver for my former spouse. I moved back in when she was diagnosed with Parkinson's. She has digressed quickly over past few years. Balance terrible; falls often. Speech very compromised and hard to understand. Needs lots of help with daily tasks. We have a big house that is very hard for me to maintain and still care for her. I would love to sell it and get a smaller house but my spouse is a pack rat and it is difficult to get her to part with a lot of stuff. I am trying hard to honor what little independence she has but I'm just overwhelmed much of the time and need to find help for her and me so we both can get what we need I've rambled too much. Thanks for listening.
What do I want? I don't want to live with my elderly mom in my house anymore and do everything. It is killing me. I understand the woman who burned her and her mom up. My mom has a house she does not want to sell. This needs to happen so she can go somewhere else. Good video. I subscribed. Thanks. I need to get out of this. I can't take it anymore.
Love your video… so timely. This morning a received a call at 6 am, after an exhausting week running back and forth to the hospital. What was the call about? My mom wanted to know if I had her bag. Ridiculous. My mom is devouring my life whole. I have used palliative care but now with her recent hospitalization, she needs extra care. My dreams have gone up in smoke for now. Im always putting her first in all things.
61 yo only child man caring for mom. Came 3 years ago to get long term care for her husband and realized mom was mentally worse than he. Been here 3 hours from my home dealing with the lives of 2 others. Never seen it coming. Im an old tough salty Marine whos had a solid boss and construction business owner.....this desease has chewed me up and chewed me some more. Today is my heavy day. Concerned of falling and failing. My death would transfer responsibilities to my sweet, full of life children. Ive never been afraid of anything, but now live in panic and fear. Im praying over all of you to who feel helpless and hopeless. May the Lord see us thru. A race well run.
This is awful of me to say - but the problem is we’re keeping people alive past the point where their minds don’t work and their mobility is gone. What is the point of living if you’re now wheelchair bound, can’t wipe your own ass, and can’t remember what happed 5 minutes ago? Modern medicine is great at “just keeping people alive” - but it does nothing to extend independence for older people - which is where medicine needs to focus on next. With a rapidly declining birth rate in developed nations, the current caregivers are not going to have anyone to look out for them when the time comes.
Great video! Boy, I needed this. It was a “walk down the plank” day for me. My mom threw her iPad. Then she said I don’t do anything for her. She is bed ridden. I do everything for her. She has 8 doctors appointments in the next 2 weeks! I was trying to fit them all in before returning to the office 6/1 post Covid. It will be torture getting her to all of those appointments! You have the most calming voice - and you keep it real! Thanks!
Try HouseCallDrs. Medicare should cover. A Dr or PA will come to the house. Labs & portable XRays can be done at the house. Reduces stress getting the patient ready, loaded into the car & driving to the appt.
I hear you all. 😢I’ve been taking care of my 93 yrs old mom for many years now. I can’t leave her and I’m dying while taking care of her. But I started working on myself. Find out why they are like that so I have a more understanding of where they’re coming from. I’ve started exercising, gardening or whatever I like that makes me happy. 😮I also practice being silent,not reacting to everything and I don’t need to be right anymore. This way, at least I’m in control of my emotions than letting others dictate it. 😔
My mother was dependent on me. My family didn't help except for 1 sister helped occasionally on Sundays for 3 hrs when I fed the homeless and did services at a nearbye park. I asked our Medicare Ins for Respite care. They sent the person & introduced her to my bed ridden mom. I don't think my mom was happy having a stranger sit with her. My mom died Suddenly the next Sat, morning of Rosh Hashanah '2020 & I cancelled the Respite. We need to respect the parent as they may not like outsiders. I cared for my mom 24/7 & never got paid for anything. I loved my mom very much. I have a medical background that helped me take care of my mom. I always got compliments from the Drs, nursing staff, bath aid & ancillary lab & xray techs. They knew my mom was in great hands. I give All Glory to God for His LOVE I shared with my mom. ✝️
I am 46 & a caregiver to my 27 year old daughter and her two mall children. All younger and should outlive me …. Being a mom of small kids again at almost 50 and then having things to deal with while my daughter needs care for MS and a Leukodystrophy is beyond exhausting! I’ve been functioning in burnout mode for a few years now and no one helps me to get some time away… not even a day! My husband and I basically can’t have a relationship because no one ever leaves us alone. I don’t even go to the bathroom without a child or my daughter coming in to request something of me … I feel like only winning the lottery would save me so that I can pay the appropriate people to do all that I do … just so I can have a vacation! Life is not good for me … I spend all my time being a maid, caretaker, secretary, chef, driver..etc for everyone but myself. I can’t even find time to go to the doctor for myself and I’m sad almost every minute of the day! The state doesn’t give my daughter enough to not take from us and we are always drowning! Seems these programs only work for people not trying to do the right thing! Otherwise why does ssi take $400 from her allotted benefits because she doesn’t pay rent because she didn’t have an income and it’s only my husband that can work because I have to care for everyone and the burden to care for another adult and her kids fall into us even more so … I’m exhausted!!!
Hello Janet I am crying as I'm reading your SOS signal 😢 the endlessness and repetition of your position is very familiar to me !!! The loved ones you support are draining the life out of you. It's never ending stress and seemingly hopeless situation is not lost on me. I feel you. I am you. I understand where your coming from. And that's why we looked this up. I have taken care of my sister who had spinal meningitis at age 3. She is mentally retarded, bipolar and schizophrenic. I took care of both my parents who passed of cancer. I'm 57 and taken care of sis 27yrs. Now. I'm losing my mind at this point. And this video can't stop my delema or yours eighther !!! God help us we carry on the only way we know how. I will pray for you !!! And hope for a light at the end of our tunnel Little Lady !!! Hang in there Janet May you be Blessed Healed and Protected Sister !!!🙏 ❤✌🍀
You only spoke about "parents" but not spouses like me, a Great Grandmother who is THE only one to care for my husband. Everything children do for their parent, I do for my spouse while for years needing a knee replacement. I can barely walk, there is no way I can have surgery. No one addresses elderly people taking care of a spouse with Alzheimer's on a fixed income. 😢
I'm 64 years old and my mom is 85 I'm disabled myself I have CP. My mom has dementia I'm overwhelmed I don't trust my family members to help. Because my took care of them for years and now they feel entitled to come around and I won't allow to come and use my mom like they have done.😢
What do you do if you're the ONLY living adult child with 2 elderly parents who BOTH have different dementias & an elderly husband who just had syncope & fell & now has compression fractures on his back, & I am IT, & I am 100% Disabled? I'm on my 6th year of caregiving & to the point all I do on weekends is sleep! I can no longer keep up with anything. Mom just went on hospice, but now I must care 4 my husband. I feel like my body is dying-literally. I can't keep up with paperwork & filing, I have no siblings & no child to help me, & my husband's family just calls to ck on my husband, but did nothing for me in the worst 1st few 90+ hr wks that lasted for yrs, w/NO breaks! I how pathetic is that? I don't remember what joy or fun is. I'm too tired to cook, & barely eat. My hubby had taken over most things @ home, but now he's flat on his back & even 3-6 cups of coffee can't wake me up! My house is a mess, I barely shower, or wash my hair, I've lost hope. I have severe chronic pain, Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, tumors on my spine, Severe PTSD, chronic depression, ADD, & need foot surgery but can't get it cause I can't be down that long. My skin gets sores that take months to heal, I take 33 high quality supplements every day, as I know I don't eat enough, & I've given up everything I used to love to do. I had an emotional support Shih Tzu, but our back yard's neighbors' son opened our gate & their 4 HUGE dogs killed our only little joy. I am so tired of life! No vacation in 12 YEARS! Not even 1 week! I know dad doesn't know me, & mom's almost there, & my husband has family who only care about him (never me, tho' I've been the 1 who's done all their cards & gifts & suggestions of help & here I am feeling so alone I don't want to live anymore). I just want to stop & rest for a year! But I can't. This video lady has a husband & a sister to help her, & is healthy. I'm disabled & not 1 person in the so-called "family" I've had & loved as my own yet they do NOTHING to help! If my husband has an emergency they'll call & maybe come visit my 81 yr old hubby once in awhile, while I am not thought of except once a yr I may get a sweet ltr from 1 of my husband's granddaughters who says she loves The rest, whom I loved forever only care about themselves. I treated them all as I would've my own, but still nothing! I'm 57 & have been in pain for 24 yrs physically.. I'm about at the end of this terrible life! Just want to sleep forever! How do you keep going when you just physically & mentally CAN'T ANYMORE?? I'm just telling the truth-so don't judge me til you've walked a mile in my shoes. My only sibling committed suicide. I have been abused my entire life since childhood. But I still have cared for everyone with love. I look back on a life of nothing but pain. And I am just about done with this thing called "life." I'm not expecting ANY pity, I'm just being HONEST! Lost my career when I became disabled & never lived in 1 place for even 10 yrs, nor had children, which is all I ever wanted. Now almost 60 with nothing to look back on with any joy! I live in a big home, debt free, drive a nice vehicle, but what does that matter if I feel terrible, PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY ALL THE TIME? I HATE dementia! It's stolen my life! I can't shop. Just order t-shirts etc. online. This world has made people "all about ME." NO one cares for anyone else anymore! I still make time to give & do for people who are hurting, sad or in need. But I feel so alone! This world is too sad for me! No comments needed, just go & try to do something nice for someone who needs help!!
What about when you don't have family that is willing to help? I am caregiver for my adult son with autism. His dad is in prison and unable to able to help. Family either lives far away or is unwilling to help because of his autism. I work as his caregiver because it's the only way I can afford to pay rent. If I worked outside the home, my son and I would be homeless, as rent keeps going up and we already live in the cheapest place possible. Right now, my only choice is putting him in a group home. I have been his caregiver for over 4 years by myself, with the only breaks being when he takes adult classes. It's either put him in day programs and lose my pay, which will result in not being able to pay rent or a group home.
Your suggestions all sound good but when you say don’t say no, be vocal on when you need help what exactly do you do when no one offers, ever? If you ask, beg, plead, cry they just say they’re living their lives. What about the caregivers life? Aren’t we entitled to our life too? Aren’t we entitled to relax, have friend time or do things we enjoy?
Well am begging someone to please come take over...and i mean now. I am totally burned out after taking care of my husband for 8 years. Please anybody, amywhere please come help. NOW!
My mom starts chemo for pancreatic cancer on the 27th, and my stepdad is having radiation for an acoustic neuroma on April 6. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I am their sole caregiver. My step dad is still able to work from home, but his symptoms preclude him from doing a lot of other things around the house. I’ve been in a light caregiver role for my mom for several years, and I feel like everything has accelerated so much in the last four months. My primary care doctor just told me that I have all of the symptoms of caregiver burnout, and I’ll be really honest, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do in terms of getting help for myself when I have a mom who doesn’t trust anybody else to come here.
Yes I’ve been a caregiver for 12 years and I do give my family relief and they go on vacations and get extra for working the holidays.I take care of my clients like they are my grandparents but my issue is after a year I would like a raise especially when I’ve been taking good care of them for a year and inflation is at an all time high. I need to provide for my family as I take care of yours❤
I’m a 61yo married woman who has had to basically move 800 miles away from my home to care for my 90yo parents (Mom-dementia, Dad-COPD, kidney disease, and what looks to be the beginnings of liver failure) my pretty much useless 57yo brother lives with them, and does nothing to help care for them, so I’m basically his caregiver too. But if I say anything to him it upsets my parents (yes, he is the favored child, mildly special needs.) My health has really taken a hit since I’ve been down here, I can’t seem to get my blood pressure under control, and have panic attacks most evenings (pretty sure those would go away if I could tell bro what I want to.) I’m so angry over this situation, because I have tried FOR YEARS to get them to move near me. But nope, Dad dug in his heels and wouldn’t hear of it. They are wonderful people except for this instance. I feel like this was so selfish of them. My husband is coming down here soon, and we have a meeting with the social worker while he will be here to figure out a more sustainable plan. Cause this ain’t it!
ALL COMMENTS/VIDEOS are regarding caring for ONE parent with dementia. I'm the ONLY CAREGIVER (& I AM 100% DISABLED!) who has cared for TWO PARENTS WHO BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT DEMENTIAS for 6+ YEARS! I have NO children, NO siblings, NOTHING, it has just been ME! My parents are in Stage 7 now, but have DIFFERENT symptoms, DIFFERENT health issues, DIFFERENT Sundowners probs, & on & on & on. The 1st 2-3 yrs (again me 100% disabled! And all they have had! Tho' there were others who did NOTHING!), I worked 90+ hours a wk, eating maybe 2 REAL meals/week, driving n2 my driveway & falling asleep immediately til my husband came out to get me, being so exhausted I'd fall asleep in the morning @ the drop of a pin, spilling my coffee all over my lap! There were nights I BARELY made it home-I was SO exhausted! AGAIN, I'M 100% DISABLED! There was a 6 month period I almost, or did, get n2 car wrecks from sheer exhaustion! No one in my husband's LARGE family undestood, nor TRIED to understand(!), nor helped in ANY way! Tho' I (we) have helped ALL of them in EVERY WAY, 10 adult grandkids, 3 50+ "adult children", & great-grandkids. Gave cars, pd 4 private schools, bought furniture for, sent $ to each month while they bought new cars & we (living without ANY, debt, driving used but nice cars pd w/cash, paying our mortgage off early, & ALWAYS, EVERY MONTH GIVING TO TRULY NEEDY PEOPLE!). We did without wants, buying ONLY needs, while all drove new, fanc.y cars, or had Nike shoe collections, yet they all had zero savings, til we finally woke up & said "NO MORE!"). But NO ONE EVER SPEAKS ABOUT A SOLE CHILD, USUALLY A DAUGHTER, CARING FOR TWO ELDERLY PARENTS WHO BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT DEMENTIAS! I've listened to & read all books, looked online, & found NOTHING! NO HELP FOR US CAREGIVERS OF 2!! I am in the last stage, Stage 7 w/my parents, BOTH parents-who both have VERY different problems, symptoms, issues, Sundowners, & on & on! I am 100% disabled & have lost ALL my health, joy, ability to do ANYTHING that brought me joy, since this hit me (like planting flowers, playing the piano, helping with our personal business, cleaning our home & we haven't had a vacation in 12 yrs - as b4 my parents we cared for another elderly family member who was a piece if cake & peacefully died @ home taking a nap, she had ALL her cognition til the end! But I have been utterly ALONE caring for my parents! Both w/different dementias! Today was HORRIFIC! But there is ZERO HELP FOR THOSE OF US DOING THIS! IT WAS 1 OF 10, NOW PROBABLY MORE! YET NO1 OFFERS HELP TO US?! I'm close to suicide as this is BEYOND the WORST of caring for just one! YET NO BOOKS, NO VIDEOS, NO HELP! Why! WHY!? I have chronic pain, Fybromyalgia, C-PTSD, Severe DEPRESSION, ADD, & MORE! Yet STILL, ALWAYS, ALONE, I've done EVERYTHING FOR MY PARENTS! And let my health go! I feel like I've been living in HELL for 6 years STRAIGHT & no one helps or cares! I know the stress causes my chance of dementia to go up (multiply THAT by 2!!), & I swear that I WILL NOT go down the road I've watched BOTH OF MY PARENTS go down!! Why, why, does no1 help those of use caring for 2 w/dementia? Do you not care, or see the DEVASTATION it does to ENTIRE FAMILIES, but ESP NEEDED!🥺😥
I am 56 and looking after my 65-year-old brother who has paranoid schizophrenia. I have no other family. My life is being swallowed up by him. We are low-income and I skip meals so he can have the expensive nutritious foods his doctors want so he doesn't get diabetic from all his sitting and antipsychotic medication. I am underweight and have several chronic health conditions. It is really getting hard to manage. My needs as a caregiver are brushed aside. I am invisible to his primary care physician and his mental health team. I told my own doctor last week that I was struggling with caregiving, food costs, everything really. He looked at me blankly and said "Yes, I hear that looking after someone is difficult" and continued typing. There is NO help if one is low-income. The system where I live in Canada was strained before the pandemic and now is a disaster.
Yep you ticked me off... My family said they'd help and they won't do shit. The Drs and nurses and advocate of my mother said at the beginning we don't want anyone burning out we safe guard that.... Then why is my Dr say I am burnt out with both care giver burnout and compassion fatigue after 30 years of hell. Help doesn't exist!!! This is my living hell that I'm painting in a corner and can't escape from it.
I'm 35 and I'm a full time caregiver for my mother who had a stroke in 2017..left her paralyzed. She needs total care. I'm also a new mom, I have a 2yr old boy. I'm a single mom. I'm a business owner. I also have sister's and a niece that are in the same area that don't help me with my son or our mom. I feel severely burnt out. Today, I felt so crazy I googled exactly how I felt and this popped up(not the burning down the house part😣). When I watched this I was like... 👀 ...I never knew this existed I guess I just thought this is what good daughters do...but when the light bulb comes on its a crazy feeling like wow I'm officially burnt to a crisp? TY
@Aisha Jefferson Wow Wow that's a lot on your plate! Yes, this exists! But it doesn't have to. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Choose one small thing that can be done by someone else and do that for awhile and see how it feels. Laundry? Shopping? 4 hrs of watching mom once a week? If it feels good, add one more small thing. etc. Sometimes making huge changes is more difficult. But something definitely needs to give here!
Miss Sofia, I cannot thank you enough! Watching this, I felt as though I finally found someone who understands!! Words cannot convey how much this eight minute video has impacted me, and encouraged me. You’re a beautiful soul. Your understanding, compassion and care & your helpful, loving attitude seemed to jump right this screen and give me a long, tight, warm hug! That’s the only way I can describe it. Thank you Miss Sofia, I sincerely thank you!! I’m subscribing and can’t wait to binge watch your videos and learn. You’re not only helping me, but in turn, my whole family will be better!! May God bless you and your family tremendously! You’re an angel! ♥️ 😊 🤗
Nunya Bidnazz (love that screen name!), that was just about the very best comment that I've had! I thank you so much and am proud that I can help make a difference. I'm so grateful that you are following along.....welcome aboard!
There is nobody else that will!!! I've made my needs known and nobody but nobody will help!!! The excuses are like a mountain. I'm getting sicker by the day and yet my siblings still say no or just ignore moma and all the needs.
Thank you for the permission to say no to what I can't do. And for the hope that there are options. Just beginning what could be long term caregiver jointly with my in-laws.
I taking care of my husband mom I get blamed for everything I'm lock up with her all day with no help from husband he gets her out of the house leave me home I try to talk to him about how I feel he tells me it's not about you he doesn't want to hear it.i am so burnt out.
Guys, i need advise. I grew up with an abusive mom. My dad is okay but judgmental, telling me its not good like this that im getting bigger and fatter. So thats my dad. My mom is very sick and my dad is working at the same time taking care of mom. He insisted me to come and take care of mom too. I live 8 hrs away from them. Im not really close to them both. I was forced and have no option . I felt so trapped. I am 27 and im working my way up to go to college. I have 3 brothers. 2 are outside US and the eldest live closer to my dad an hour drive but he has 3 little kids and own a house. They have a spare room but he told my parents that he doesnt want them to live with him , his kids and his wife who doest care either. I have panic attacks and i cant deal this. I felt trapped and dragged to care for them. I am not financially stable but i will do try to support them financially. Is it wrong to refuse to do caregiving to my mom and help my dad? U know, being there? Honestly i feel bad for them but i dont want to be there. Its to big for me that i cant handle. Please give advise ty
I’m in a similar situation but with my grandmother and I’m only 18. Just graduated and had acl surgery. Lost my job because of the surgery and the burden of everything has me so depressed and anxious I don’t know what to do or how to fix my life.
What can you do when the rest of your whole family has left you (a person who weighs 80lbs, in ESKF & years of chronic pain) alone w my over 90 year old mother & I have no other place to live so am threatened with (Get Out) if say she & I are in danger & local agencies know the situation but since all due to dysfunctional family can & do nothing! Feel I’m losing my mind & know my health & don’t want to pass myself in stress & I have no control over the money or decisions! What do I do as said no agency will do anything as other family members pretend to be helping when or if they came 😢. Ty & for anyone who can get out please do it!!
I’m taking care of two disabled parents - one with ALS and another who had a massive stroke over a decade ago (but still has cognitive function and full use of their left side). Both are wheelchair bound and have become entirely dependent on me and my siblings (only one of which actually helps) for 24/7 assistance. However, it has now gotten to the point where neither parent bothers to do anything for themselves and both of them expect us to wait on them hand and foot. My mother doesn’t even want us going home to our own families and insists we stay overnight in case she or my father have to go to the bathroom, and is also attempting to dictate what kinds of regular jobs we work (insisting they be fully remote) so we can be there for them at the snap of a finger. Assisted living and a full-time caregiver are out of the question since we do not have the money. And my parents refuse to go to a nursing home. Plus, extended family and friends offer little more than moral support from a distance and have cut off all contact from our family because they fear they will be asked to help. And the few who do offer any kind of tangible assistance, it’s usually limited to cooking a meal or coming to chat for an hour or so. As a result, we are seeing increases conflicts at our own homes or at work, with one sibling already having been let go from his job because he was never able to be in the office. I am exhausted to the point where, god forgive me for saying this…I’m ready for both of them to just die quickly and release us from this burden.
Grandmother has dementia and is immobile. Father and me have been doing over day and night to help. Grandfather is unappreciative and on multiple occasions has told us to stfu when told her medicine needs to be given on time especially when she has a history of seizures and recently had one. No other caregiver is reliable or lasts with the job over about a month.
In our house we have both my husbands mom and dad living with us and I'm going die off stress. His mom walks into the kitchen from her room naked and my kids have seen her. And his dad won't shower. I have a chronic illness so does my daughter we're both in constant flair from stress.
I'm not looking after a parent. I'm the full-time carer of my child who has a genetic disorder, ie, who has special needs. And, more and more these days I do think about unaliving myself but more than likely won't because my daughter won't have anyone else to care for her because there isn't anyone else with the same commitment that would take care of her. Her other parent isn't able to. Not everyone has family members pitching in and helping in different ways. My immediate family members live in different countries and no one has offered to use their vacation time to look after my child so I could get a break. I get my break when my child is at school but during the long summer break, she's home with me 24/7 and it's damn exhausting.
i am a male caregiver taking care of my mom for almost 3 years alone, she is hypertensive and with diabetis, in a FILIPINO way if hard times get so rough "Bahala si Batman" and i am going to 4 years, your videos really helped me.understand how hard and exciting caregiving is KUDOS
I’m an only child caregiver…. I was the caregiver for both of my grandparents, and after they died, I became the caregiver to my parents, and when they died, I now am the caregiver for my father in law and my uncle. We tried applying for all social services and got declined and we couldn’t get anything. My uncle is refusing to move completely from his hoarder home and my father in law has no assets. Luckily, I work from home to take care of them. I’ve often thought of ending my life, cause it just seems too much at times since no one understands, and no one seems to really care
I am 67 yo Cancer survivor taking care of 75 yo disabled Vet and partner of 35+ years. He has multiple diagnoses, mobility issues and 100% urinary incontinence and etc. etc.. He is OCD about most things and requires help w EVERYTHING. He is developing cognitive issues, lies to his Drs in Zoom or VA online appointments, and I have allowed it for YEARS. About a year ago I started drinking at nights (on those two nts/wk when a caregiver relief person is with him). He reported my indulgence to his VA Social Wkr, and I can now be charged with NEGLECT if he reports again. I am thinking about locking myself in the Prius to contain the bloody mess.
Sophia. Thank you for your very entertaining and informative video. My sister and I are dealing with a situation with our mom that is so unique that we have not found any resources out there that pertains to her situation. Although we watch and read about the dementia that she’s going through we understand how to deal with it but my sister is a sole caregiver. She’s been doing it for seven months, my sister does not get a break. Our mom will not let anybody else come over besides her brother and a family friend,so we’re stuck with the burden of being there 24 seven. I come out from Colorado to be with our mom to relieve my sister of her duties for such a short period time. The stress is overwhelming for her, but there’s nothing else we can do, if we had someone come in, it’s too stressful for our mom to have fear and anxiety and worry about us when we’re not here so what does somebody in our situation do? We can’t find any resources out there for it. Any info would be gratefully appreciated.
My sister refuse to do their share, my mam refuses to have carers. I feel burned out with a full time job and my mam to look after. I don't have a partner and feel like my life is passing me by. There are no choices if your parent won't accept outside care
I am at the point where whenever I feel so frustrated I just repeatedly smack my face really hard and hit myself until whatever thing I used to hit myself broke into pieces. I feel so guilty whenever I feel “burnout” because I shouldn’t feel it and my siblings probably just think I shouldn’t complain since I don’t have to work when in reality I feel so left behind compared to my peers n the person I’m taking care of whom I love also wouldn’t understand so it’s so frustrating sometimes i fantasies about suicide a lot but i would never do it because I believe in my religion so yeah I just settle into occasional self harm because at least for some reason every time after I self harmed and cry my frustration out I feel better
All I know is after being a caregiver for many years, I am done. It is time for me to do what I enjoy ! Design and graphic art. Maybe some travel. I am not especially burned out, but thankful I have had the education so I can do the kind of work I enjoy
Sorry, how does one "sell their house", when they're bedridden and ill? Could you sell your house, if you were in that condition? How would you DO that? Please explain because I'm at a total loss on that one, hun!
I've been taking care of my mom with dementia for 5 years now and we have been through a lot she has had me put in jail twice and caused numerous complications throughout the time. She also has a good side most of the time her evil twin always comes out of nowhere and can be very abrasive to say the least, now she's barely walking become incontinent and I don't know if a facility would even tolerate her twins rage . I don't know how or what to do with her but she's got nobody else and I can't let her ruin me . Any thoughts?
I don’t know how in the world you made it past the jail time 😳. I’m going on 5 years myself and the incontinence is rough. I have found these amazing washable LEAK proof pads for my mom to sleep on, smaller ones to sit on. Life is SO much easier. Let me know if you need a link.
My mother has been on chronic steroids for around 13 years which can really change your personality. She is also developing dementia and is considered mildly cognitively impaired. She also drank every day of my entire life including up until about 3 weeks ago. Her personality is extremely odd, it’s unpredictable and incredibly horrible at times. We think there may be a personality disorder that’s been undiagnosed on top of the above issues. I am the only child and only family member in America. I am also a RN. I’ve had to pretty much give up my job to care for her . She just entered an assisted living facility this month and all I’ve heard is how awful everything and everyone is. I had to call the director of the facility on a weekend, where she proceeded to tell me my mom has already had “outburts.” I wanted to tell her try living with that one on one for years! Today I tried to take a day for myself but got the inevitable call with nothing but complaints. I can’t escape. She won’t leave me alone but she also constantly criticizes me. I can feel your situation but sounds even harder. I came here because I am in tears knowing I have to go there tomorrow to help her do somethings, and check on my Dad with parkinson’s. It feels so alone sometimes, but reading all the comments here, know that you’re NOT alone in this. And I’m pretty sure quite a few of us have had fleeting thoughts about burning down the house!
Thank you this video helped me tremendously, I was on a baby plank lol. I have always been the one to do it ( everything) So my mom lived with me and was about to move out right before everything happened. She started working with a doctor that made her get better and decided she doesn’t want to do it. So as I am taking my class online I had to miss classes when she went to the hospital because she doesn’t want us to leave her alone ever. I need some other ways to do this and this helped me. Thank you
The burnout I feel rn isn't from taking care of parents, but actually my pet. The family dog has a skin disease and it's been going on and off for about 2-3 years now. I'm so tired, my parents aren't helping me financially so I'm expected to use my own money to pay for his checkups, medicine and for him to get a bath at the pet shop because I'm a fulltime college student who's already stressed out from online classes and low on funds. They don't help with bathing the dog or giving it medicine. I'm the one that's taking care of the dog yet they complain every single day about the dog, they like giving bs 'advice' even though they don't know any details about it's illness. I'm so tired of their constant complaining and pressure they have on me. I feel so horrible, sometimes I just wish the dog would pass away already and I always feel so guilty and awful. I'm sorry if this wasn't appropriate for this video, just needed somewhere to vent and share my thoughts. Thanks for reading
I am a caregiver for my mom but I’m also dealing with an aging dementia pet on 5 meds she won’t take. And my other elderly pet passed a few months aho. It’s incredibly stressful too. I’m sorry.
Which government agencies do I contact for help, advice, assistance, etc. I have often wished that someone would come up with a reference chart that can be referred to.
I get verbally abused by my narc elderly mother, the smallest dialogue turns into a huge fight, I get high blood pressure from her, she is a Demon and a Tyrant all in one package ! since I was young she was bossing me around putting me down telling me I am good for nothing and I developed severe OCD and psychological health conditions and physical conditions as a result of her abuse.
This is fluff. I was looking for something empowering, or even just encouraging. This is not it. For most of us, the state will not support us, the federal government will not support us. Elder care in the United States is a joke and we should be ashamed - and that's not even addressing those of us who have to figure out daily or end of life care for non-seniors. We need to do better. For anyone struggling with low-income caregiving, I see you and you are appreciated.
What if you have no other family and there is no programs you or your mom qualify for? I am disabled and have been taking care of both parents since 2014. Now just my mom since my father passed. I am so tired.
Its not just women. I am 36 taking care of my grandmother. Working from home with a full time job too. I am so stressed. My mom shows up 2 at most times a week to check on her mom to give her a bath. I hardly go out anymore other then to do stuff for her. She acts like I do nothing when during my 15 min breaks I check up on her and take care of her elderly dog. I took one vacation a few months ago and in that time she had a fit. My mom had to say with her everyday when I was gone (she hadn't planned that) She's had congestive heart failure. But she is that type of person that got divorced young and never tired to remarry so she has had a streak of independence. My situation is I'm becoming really cold right now with the caring. But because I am a man it gets taken the wrong way. I don't ask for much I just wish she would 1. not act like I don't work full time while taking care of her stuff. 2. understand I curse in normal speaking its not against them its just how I am. 3. I'm about at my limit. My thing is not burning the house down. Its going and just leaving and becoming a long distance trucker. I'm fine being alone and I don't worry about anyone taking care of me when I get old. (I don't plan to make it that far). So its not a big deal. The problem is my grandmother is very combative and then victim blames when she gets called out. (And I don't take any shit ether and call it out) She won't live with my mother because she hates my Step-Dad. She won't go to a home because she won't accept their help. But she can't live by herself. Life feels like a Prison. But ya..... deal with it I guess.
My partner had a work place accident last year, my health has just started to suffer , depression, high blood pressure, crippling anxiety. I had to drop out of college and put my life on hold again. we have 3 kids and years of recovery still ahead. I'm lost and worn out
Just so everyone knows. Most states will pay a family member to care for your parents. I'm a caregiver and been taking care of my mother and getting compensated for it. It's alot of work at times but I'd rather do it than trusting someone else.
Wow I love that introduction and it's not even 10 seconds into the video and I want to watch this whole video looking through all the other videos I now noticed all of them were almost the same never answered my question
HELP! My 78 yr old mom refuses to get out of bed.wont lift her head to eat. Wants her pills placed on her tongue. I tell her these things she wants are dangerous.. she eats with her head on the pillow. Shes refused to do physical therapy despite being told it would help her weak muscles. Her dr says its time for a nursing home.. unless she starts making an effort.. while I agree with him.. she won't go. We live together but I'm flaring badly with my sjogrens and nueropathy... besides having ehlers danlos and now putting my own health on the back burner .
Hi grettagrids. Sounds so hard and you must just feel helpless! Has mom been assessed for depression? If she is suffering from depression perhaps a new medication could help her with motivation. Some questions: is she losing weight? if so, she may be heading for needing a feeding tube. Do you know her wishes about wanting one of those? If not, it's time for that conversation. What is her rational for this behavior? Has she decided that she's just tired? and done? It's hard to hear, but she has a right to be tired and done. But if you know what it is, then you can support that and not push things on her. It sounds like this is taking a major toll on you physically. Can you say "I love you, but I can't take care of you (I have a video called that, by the way....you should watch it!), help me come up with a plan. We can either get help in the house, or you can go to a nursing home." She will rebuff both of these ideas. Don't end the conversation here. This is just where the important discussions start! "What's your biggest fear about getting help (or going to nursing home)", and listen to her concerns and try to address them. Negotiate. Support. Help problem-solve. If she still refuses, then consider if it's time for hospice....I mean, I don't know her dx or medical condition, so I'm just throwing this out there. And if you haven't already, please, please have a discussion about her advance directives. Does she want to go back to the hospital if she gets sick? Does she want CPR if she chokes while eating in bed and can't breath? and if she gets CPR, they will put her on a ventilator....is she ok with that? So many questions. But if you know the answers, even if not in writing, then you will know what to do if/when the time comes and you and she can stop the viscous spiraling. She may need to hear that there is no option other than a nursing home. She will be mad, yes, but what else can you do? Assure her that you'll be there to make sure she's safe as much as possible with COVID rules, let her talk about what she's afraid of, listen, love, understand. And know that you're doing the right thing. I wish I was in your back pocket to help with conversations! Thinking of you...
Only thing I’d change Belinda is beer to wine. As for you Kelly, how long have you been a caregiver and or how old are you? Are you spending your golden years taking care of an elderly parent say in her 90’s that is SUCKING the life-force out of you? I don’t think you should JUDGE without walking in Belinda’s or Sofia’s shoes.
@@kellys1893 Who in the hell said or insinuated that two people dying in the fire was funny??!!??? In my opinion no one is laughing at the tragedy. I certainly didn’t take it that way and don’t believe the comments were meant that way. Get your panties out of a knot, we are all trying to cope with the horrible situations we find ourselves in. You’re NOT helping by saying such an asinine thing!
I was caring ❤ for my mother as the only daughter with the assistance of the in home support care giver for almost a year and a half. She was high level of care can only hold and drink her drink most times. I have a family of 4 with one minor and a daughter that needs support too. Mom almost shocked 3 times. I had several health crisis. My blood pressure was above 150 ' s. I had a thyroid toxicity crisis storm diagnosed with early symptoms of Hashimotos disease. I had been dealing for decade with chronic health issues. I had to make the difficult decision 😪 to place mom in a nursing home. Then the mental worries about how she was being cared or neglected. She was already on breathing treatment and oxygen. She passed away 10/03/2022. I fill some guilt at the end i was getting a little irritable and frustrated 😞 and before I neglected her because my body didn't feel like caring for her I placed her in the nursing home. She had her best year with me and think she found peace. I gave her the best supplements from live Vantage and seemed in peace and conformable. I and caregiver exhausted . My family 👪 and I were very limited in doing family outings.
Where I live, there is no option that is not expensive or will result in a positive outcome for either parent I care for. Combined, they only make about 40k a year in an area where the average income is about 70k. I can only help just so much because I only get a very very small amount for taking care of just the one parent. The other they will not allow to be covered due to income. I cannot get a second job, because my parents ARE a full time job, and a job I get paid extremely little for. With me putting my whole income back into the household, we maybe have 45k a year to work with. We get little to no help from other family who live in the area despite asking. I am extremely stressed out, and have had a nervous breakdown that put me in the hospital in the past. It feels like there is nothing I can do, and that no one really cares to help. We are always out of money to pay the bills, and with the way our local DSHS runs, it is a constant worry that they will AGAIN screw us over and reduce services....which has happened many times over the years. Sorry, I know you meant this video to be helpful...but it was anything but helpful for me and my family. There is no help for us. We are stuck.
I lost my girlfriend to caring for her alzheimer diseased dad less than a month ago. I have seen the spiraling in her health with nothing I could or was allowed to do by her. This is a serious issue. Please get help.
@@Stress_._Free not really 🫤, but thanks for asking. I have decided not to let it affect me as much and try to do things for myself also. They have already lived their lifes as they wanted to, i should learn to stay kind but put myself first.
I need help. I take care of my mom (70) kidney disease/transplant recipient, and both her parents (93 & 95), who both have end stage vascular dementia. I've been doing it since I was 28. I'm 43 now. I recently started having several anxiety attacks, and I hate it. I am starting to resent them all, and I want to either give up or check myself into a mental facility. This video helped. If anyone knows any other ways to cope, please talk to me. I'm cooked!
Hi Sofia ❤ I just found you! You have a new subscriber. My loving mother went to heaven 5 years ago and asked me 2 times on her death bed to please take care of my loving father. Even though we are six siblings, only I take care of him. He is an angel 90 year old father. I have a brother that cares for him and comes on Saturdays and gives me a hand. He got COVID on July 4th and was hospitalized for 8 days. He never came back the same. I haven’t left his apartment since then. He calls me 3-4 times every night to do pipi in his commode .. he used to be able to do it before COVID. Do you have a way we can communicate in a easier way? I am very stressed out and have so many questions… I can’t find a good psychologist that my insurance can pay to help me out. Please advise. God Bless you and your family. 🙏🏻💙
Years ago I read a book about family and child rearing. It gave many common sense approach. It said if you tried this or that and it didn't work try getting out side help. Basically make someone else do it. Ya feel me
![[UA] NAVI vs MOUZ | BO5 | IEM Rio 2024](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/CMBYk0cbGoA/mqdefault.jpg)
How Confident are You as a Family Caregiver? Take the Quiz
www.sofiaamirpoor.com/Home
I’m so pissed off right now and I feel like people don’t understand- how could they? They haven’t been in my shoes. And I swear to god and all things holy if one more person says “you have to take care of yourself too” I’m gonna scream! Maybe if I had some help I could take better care of myself.
@Ladybug And its like she only talks about women going thru this. I am a 36 year old man dealing with my elderly grandmother full time while working full time from home. My life feels like a prison. The last time I went on a vacation my mom and to take my grandmother to the ER again. So I guess I am to never leave the house. That and my only heal from my mother went from 2 to 3 days a week while I was working to 1 day on Sunday. WHEN I AM OFF. And she acts like she does something. At least I can escape then while my mom give her a bath. The one thing that pisses me off about all of this is when I am old enough to make it to needing help I won't have any. So my plan is the 357 retirement plan.
@@joshuatipton1994I am feeling very fatalistic myself. I feel like one of us is going to go soon, I just hope it's not me.
Hang in there Josh.
We come down here because heaven is too boring. You'll rest when you go home and you'll recover enough energy to have another life.
Enjoy whatever moments you can.
FOR REAL!!!! If I hear another person say "our job is to train the caregiver" or "just take 15 minutes a day for YOU" like you can take care of all the other responsibilities you have and the other hats you wear in 15 minutes!! I finally found a caregiver who has been helping for 8 days and my partner said "you've had time for yourself 4 days last week" like all of a sudden everything is better after 6 years of 24/7 attention and care. And my guy is a TRAINED therapist with a PhD degree and he is fighting me on having time for anything else in life.
I feel the exact same way you do while my brother is enjoying his life with his wife and traveling and having a blast I’m at home taking care of all the physical and emotional turmoil from my parent. I have very little support at all and absolutely no physical support, and on top of that whenever my parents illness becomes too much, they met their frustrations with me and when they do they let me know how little they appreciate all I have sacrificed. When I started being a caregiver, I was young and full of hope and I am aging and there are so many things in my life I wanted to do and I feel like I can’t do them.
Amen!!! That's what I'm saying.
I am 52 and taking care of both my 82 yr old parents and the house. It is slowly killing me.
Frankly my life is over. I wish everyone the best and pray for each other. 🙏
@Jolie France
Just be honest and tell them you need help.
@Jolie France
Do your best and be prepared that it may not be enough.
This has been a big sudden change to life we are both in our 50s so whatever happens no regrets ok? 😔
I'm 100% disabled caring for 2 elderly parents & your the only one I've ever seen caring for 2 also. It isvTOTALLY different than caring for just one parent & people just don't care or help! I am sorry for you! God bless you!
@@k.r.1069 It is mostly my father.
There doesn't seem to be a limit to what he asks for so I have to put a limit. He is a very self absorbed, self centered person.
I so feel for all the caregivers everywhere and especially those who have commented here. One aspect of my work was to liaise with caregivers but it was not until I became one myself that I really understand what the role involves. I am not in good health myself anyway but an only child with no family. What stops a total collapse of my health is paying for a professional carer to come in four hours a day. Although I have the other twenty hours plus her holidays and day off, her assistance is invaluable. I wish that help for all the wonderful caregivers out there.
We know were not the only one that can do, it’s the FACT that we are the only ones doing and when we ask family to help their are hundreds of excuses.
Oh my God you are soooooo right!
I've been about ready to drop them anyhow. It's easier to deal without them.
Spot on! Caregiver support is NOT defined by what's most convenient for others to offer.... it's defined by what the specific needs of the caregiver are!
As only child taking care of both my 66yo parents after each of their strokes. At 29, 2years in I havent had a full day to myself since. Utterly exhausted and its sad that the friends I do have do nothing for me. Family isn't around to help. I'd do anything to get out of this and my parents just don't get it most days. Between caregiver burnout and compassion fatigue I'm widdled down to a shadow of myself. The future definitely feels bleak as theyre not old and if 10 more years go by ill be 40 and they'll only be 76...no family for myself no career etc...
@@casterscollectibles im only 27 and I feel this way. I just called a nursing home a few days ago and they told me that since my mom only makes a certain amount, she would most likely qualify to be taken in by the facility and they (the nursing home) would apply for financial help for her and work with her to find a solution to pay for the cost of her living there. You might call your local nursing homes and see what they can offer. I spent the last 11 years taking care of my mom and I love her but I have been burned out for a few years now and my level of care is really declining. I still do the necessities but I am upset alot of the time and snippy, I don't want to be that way but I just get upset so easily these days... I have had alot of friends and family tell me that my life is worth living and that I need to get out. So as someone that is going through the same thing I completely understand what you are going through, please make a few calls to some nursing homes and ask about the process to move your parents into the home. It might change your life, IT IS YOUR LIFE AND YOU NEED TO LIVE IT! Much love and I hope all is well in the future :)
Caregiving will kill the caregiver in the end.
Why I never took it up as a career.
You're absolutely right! It's happening to me.
@@Melly16yr10 thank you even if it's working as a caregiver I currently work as a caregiver and I can't wait to leave it is so mentally and emotionally draining I can't take it anymore it feels like torture it's very hard I understand exactly where ya'll coming from
@@Hello-iz9hl Thanks and sorry about your situation. Don't mind me asking how did you get stuck in this in the first place?
@@Melly16yr10😒 Stupid F*en siblings that don't give a flying F*, and you're the ""ONLY"" MF*en soul that cares...🙏😔🙏
I wonder how many of us think about suicide all the tie. I can't think of anything else most days. Caregiving is fucking HELL.
i think about it all the time. seems like the only way out
@@muvadeath Yes. I'm at this point as well. No one understands unless they've been a caregiver. "Caregiver".....even that word doesn't really sum it up. It sounds so light and easy and innocuous. It's torture is what it is. I don't even know if I'll survive it. I think my 92 year old dad will outlive me.
@@amg726 ciao Teresa, I need to talk to you.
How can I do?
I pray for God to take me and yet I wake up every morning
I know I think about it at least once every day and I’ve thought about it since I was in my early teens. And I feel guilty about it and think about the despair and confusion my disabled sister would go through if I went through with it and how my mother would probably kill herself if I wasn’t around to help and I don’t. I know I can’t do it to them; It makes me sick just thinking about it.
I relate a lot to Robert Frost’s poem, Miles To Go Before I Sleep. I’ve got responsibilities to my loved ones, but when that’s over with, I can’t wait to sleep.
The truth is sometimes there is not any help out there. I was a caregiver for my mom who had Alzheimer’s disease for over 5 years. I tried applying to every organization I heard about. She didn’t qualify for anything. There weren’t any family members able to help. The only help I could get cost a fortune, but somehow moms money lasted enough to pay someone for a little while each day. The physical stress on my body has been extreme, the emotional turmoil too. It is not as easy as you make it sound to get help. As a country we need to do better in this area - too many caregivers are suffering alone, and there are plenty more in the horizon!
You speak truth these video are not realistic
Everyone’s situation is different. I don’t know how much longer my mother or myself will last 🥴... I’m no spring chicken! Two neurologists, two diagnoses; Alzheimer’s or Lewy bodies dementia so pick your poison 😩. Going on 5 years with mom, a year with dad prior (lung cancer was fast) I’m glad to find Sophia’s channel. I’ve listened to a lot of the videos and they are all helpful to a degree. We have to pick the parts that work for us and give each other an ear when we have to vent. It’s NOT easy to watch your favorite person lose their mind 😭
@Susan S I’m so sorry for both you and your mom! You are absolutely right- it’s the worst watching your best friend lose their cognitive abilities! I hope you are able to find some help and able to take care of yourself in the process of caring for your mom!
@@hannahcrumley3103 These Geriatric Social Workers are in there own little world They don't help you These videos are not realistic
@Janet Sovona so true!!! It’s really an epidemic that no one cares about… will politicians help… absolutely not!
Just reading the comments helped me get over a really dark couple of hours today. I’m so tired. Where has my happy gone. In our 12th year with my husband’s Alzheimer’s. Today he is 72. It’s the loneliest journey I’ve ever been on. People mean well but they don’t really get it if they haven’t experienced it. They say they do but they are clueless. The insurance companies are a scam. There’s no help if you’re not poor. If you’re not poor they want everything and nothing is private if you ask for help. It’s mind blowing. I’m not alone. Thanks for sharing yourselves with me. ❤
You are correct in saying there is no help if you're not poor. I know the woman in this video means well, but there are NO options for my situation. No family willing to help either. It's mind-blowing the suffering so many of us go through and others are oblivious or just don't care.
I’m the sole caregiver for my mom, am 64 and have never been so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted in my life. I don’t even know who I am anymore😢
@@debby891 I'm so sorry. It's been 5 years for me but feels like 100. There should be help for us, family, community, church, federal.....There are millions like us out there. We are ignored and told it is our duty and just suck it up. I feel like my spirit has died. I'm 59 and I understand your pain and exhaustion so well. Also, the identity erosion. I don't even remember what happiness or peace feels like.
@@amg726 I can relate to every single word you said💔
Your video was spot on. I have been caring for dad for 4 years, it feels like a lifetime. There are so many emotions I go through everyday, resentment, anger, laughing, crying, calm. It all depends how my father wakes up that day. I was very active and social. My existence is 4 rooms, cleaning up messes that would make a pig puke. My days start 6- 1130p. I miss who I was, I feel like I lost my identity and friends. I bring up getting outside help and it starts a full blown argument. It is just my husband and myself. I have given up and realize one day I will get my life back.
I understand how you feel. I went through similar situations while I took care of my mom. Try to take a day off once a week to do what you want and to remember who you are. I lost my sense of self and even forgot the things that I wanted for myself. Do your best to live in balance.
Same thing is happening to me I care for my gma have been since I was 16 now I'm 19 and it's so fucking hard and me and her relationship is just getting worse and worse I feel so guilty
@@carbogen we are human. People forget and we put others before ourselves and we burn out. It is so hard to be the primary caregiver and sometimes the person we are caring for doesn't appreciate or understand what we care up to help them. My dad died last July 2022. I was extremely sad of his passing and I miss him terribly. I did the best I could. I wasn't perfect but I always had the best intentions for him. It is hard now with this new freedom. The house seems empty. But now it is time to have a life for my husband and me. I can look in the mirror and say I was a good daughter. Unfortunately my brother will not be able to say his was a good son. One day he will see his true image in that mirror. Stay strong. Take time for you, the will help u regenerate for the next day. Remember you are human, don't be hard on yourself. You stepped up to the plate, that make you a special and awesome person
Me too
Unfortunately, dad passed away July 2022 . While I was cleaning his room, I found letters from him. He wrote how much he loved me and appreciated everything. I miss him. He is not suffering anymore.
Being a caregiver feels like I signed up to be the biggest idiot in the world like everyone’s just on the outside laughing at me and thanking god I was the dumb one that wanted to take this on.
Are you still working there if you don’t mind me asking?
I did the same thing and no one else would help me for an hour I'm angry screw them
I'm 26 and I feel like I'm slowly dying trying to prevent someone else from dying.
Perfectly said. I feel the same way. And I know the woman in this video is trying to help. But the truth is some of us truly have NO ONE to help us!
Me too😢
Exactlyyyyy!!! Omg 💯💯
@breyannahsnyder6230 27 now and it's been 20 months total. Still unsure what to do
Yep
I am taking care of my disabled father. I have been for the past five years. I live in one room in his house-- that is my existence.
I have no privacy. I cannot destress because he badgers me for attention all of the time. I love him. My entire life has been on hold. I'm depressed, under a great deal of stress, and still hold a full time job on top of it, so that when he does die, one day, I can have some kind of life that doesn't consist of living in a cardboard box, fighting off strays for ramen.
Burnout is my middle name.
I can totally understand. I am a caregiver for my adult disabled son. I have been a single mom for the past 7 years, after my ex husband was arrested. My son and I both have PTSD, on top of his other mental and developmental disabilities. Family has pretty much left us and don't help. Getting help through any programs is like pulling teeth.
Looking after my 82 yr old father.
We are in the same house, I have lost my job and feel like my life is over.
6 months ago I was fully employed and had a life.
What life is there now.
I can't do this much longer.
I am depressed and just lie in bed answering the door for his nurses, workers then cooking and cleaning.
My life is over.
😔🙏
@@chrislim7976 I can Soo relate, I feel for u. I've lived it. I worked thru Chemo. That was easy compared to full time caregiving. A counselor kept me together just enough to function. IF U READ this so far after the posting date, I am willing to listen and be a sounding board.
@@angieb1755
Right now I am just scared.
Sorry I can't even say more.
I am 24 years old and I have been a caregiver for my father who had a stroke in 2014 ( I was 17 years old). I work full time and recently graduated from college, I honestly don't know how I made it through school and work and caring for my father. I have just come to realize I have caregiver burnout and I do find myself feeling guilty for wanting a different life or even just time for myself. I look at other people my age and see all of the freedoms they have and feel envious. I feel absolutely guilty because my dad did everything to make sure my sister and I had a good life and I feel like I owe it to him to be this amazing person and keep pushing but he has become more impatient with me now more than ever. its nice to see the comments of other people who can relate to this situation because sometimes I feel like no one really truly understands the sacrifices we make to be a caregiver. I have lost myself and forgotten what I love to do, what makes me happy. my husband recently asked me... "what do you want to do? not something that will make me happy or your dad but YOU?" and I couldn't answer. :(
I was the same age you were when I had to start taking care of my mom. 2 weeks after I graduated high school, my mom broke 2 bones around her right ankle and she hasn't been 100% mobile ever since. I didn't have to juggle college and caregiving like you did, but because of her not quite being 100%, I didn't get to fully kick back and relax each summer of college and the mobility woes were the only reason I came back to my hometown after college (I would've stayed in my college town had my mom been 100% mobile).
I was your current age when my mom's health took an unexpected detour and the caregiving duties went up. She had a 2nd ankle injury 3 yrs ago (same injury, but to the left ankle) and has been 100% immobile ever since. I've had to basically give up my life and hit the pause button for her. Breaks have been few and far in between. She was hoping to do physical therapy last spring, but Covid had other ideas. Until recently, she has been out of bed less and less often in the past year and a half and I'm almost begging her to be out of bed more than just once a week. She bought a floor elliptical last June, but has hardly used it (she's used it a grand total of 6 times this year). She wants to get better and do normal things again, but she isn't as motivated as she could be. She'll be 70 at the end of this year.
Like you, I've seen quite a few people I knew from high school and college have jobs, get married, and have kids, and I wish I was among them. I just hope I'm not unemployable and forever single as a result of early caregiving. I turned 29 over a month ago and aside from my college degree, I haven't done a thing in my 20s. Last year should've been the 10th anniversary of my mom becoming an empty nester and I should be out of the nest, gainfully employed, living on my own, and at least have a girlfriend right now. Caregiving is all I've known since graduating college and when this nightmare eventually ends, I want nothing to do with it. The only person I'll be taking care of will be myself. Everyone else (family, friends, strangers) is on their own.
I do thank God for watching over me and my mom and without Him, I would probably be dead right now.
I'm in the same boat
Same here 😮💨
I understand. I took care of my mother for eight years. She died last year. I also lost myself while taking care of my mother and working with managers that I didn't like. Life gets hard. I also envied the freedom of others. Now I wish that I had helped my mom a little better and focused on her and quit my job. I feel like I failed her.
Can I say something at least you have a husband you have someone to emotionally support you and you have a semblance of a social life all of that for me is gone I don’t even know who would want to marry me as I feel my age go by each and every year. I wait hand and foot on my parent what’s worse is when they have one of the outburst they just let me know how little they appreciate everything I do for them
Everyone in the comment section is talking about being over 40 and having to take care of their elderly parent. I was 15 years old when I was left with the responsibility to take care of my elderly father and at 29 I am still doing so. Its just been me and him for so long, Ive self isolated, have no family to help me and no real friends. Everyones out living their wild fun 20s and I feel like my life is passing me by so fast. I feel like I never had the normal young life everyone else has had. I love my dad but it gets lonely and exhausting. I am so frustrated and angry every little thing sets me off. Then I feel guilty. Theres also the fear of having no one once he passes away. I feel like Im on an island alone with all this responsibility.
I was not as young as you when I began caregiving but I understand to some extent about missing the milestones and experiences of life. My mother got very sick with a form of chronic leukemia when I was 24. She struggled with chemotherapy and the side effects until she passed away when I was 36. She was never well for several years prior to her diagnosis (she refused to go to the doctor), so I missed the "normal" experiences associated with being a young adult. My dad couldn't manage to look after her because he had a heart condition and my brother has schizophrenia. On the rare occasion I went out my mother became very volatile (she had a mental illness as well) and lashed out at me.
I'm sorry hun. Is there no one you can pay for you to at least go out for a day in the week?
I know what you mean. I feel some of those feelings too. I'm in my 40 and just a few days ago I started caregiving for the first time ever. My 30 something partner struggles with mental health and physical conditions. She recently had a psychotic break but she is improving quite nicely with her meds, day by day. It's exhausting and sometimes my sleep gets compromised, but I stay positive and encouraging, for both of us.
I can’t empathize. I’m 34 and I’d love to be married someday. I’m so tired.
I was 9 when I had to start taking care of my mom. Im 24 now and its only getting worse. I haven't been able to do anything for my own life.
I'm a 64 yo caregiver of an 89 yo narcissistic, borderline personality mother who was abusive to me all my life. I have 3 brothers who don't help (2 have nothing to do with her) and 1 who stepped in a month ago only to tell me I don't matter only she does. Spent an hour telling me how useless I am. It's been 6 yrs of living under the same roof with her and taking her abuse while she makes herself out to be the victim to anyone easily manipulated, neighbors, other family, etc. I'm at my wits end
Are things better for you now?
I think the borderline makes the situation 1000x harder than necessary.
I hear you and understand. How are you doing today, one year later? ( my mom is the same way)
I hope your situation has changed one year on.......if you know what I mean
Caregiving is so stressful. I learned that I will not put my family through this when my time comes. Make sure you have a plan for your elderly years!!
I’m 40 and I’m taking care of my mom, she lives with me and she’s dying, it’s so hard. The whole thing sucks so bad! I try to stay positive and say “if I stay happy she will too” but That’s not my reality, I’m barely holding on. Whenever I feel like this I feel this enormous guilt. The guilt is what is killing me. I know I’m doing the best I can. But no one my age gets it. None of my friends are going through this and they can’t relate. I feel incredibly alone. I need a-break before I break. I love her to the moon, but this is really hard. My heart goes out to anyone taking care of an ailing parent. It’s tough man. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hi Rayraycat32. I'm so sorry, it's so hard. It sounds like you have a close and loving relationship, no need to feel guilty for that my dear! I recommend that you take a look at my video on anticipatory grief, it might help you a little. Here's a link: ua-cam.com/video/vJk_t8yc3ts/v-deo.html
Best wishes, thinking about you!
Same position and I'm done!
I hear you and I share the same feeling. You're the best daughter ever.
Exact same situation and age here. It’s so bad.
@@regaeontop6021 hang in there. We are doing the best we can. It’s incredibly painful to watch and take care of someone you adore when they have so little time left. Watching them decline is utterly heartbreaking. But we got this! Thinking of you and sending you positive vibes 💕
I read the comments I feel you all. God help us .
I took care of my mother for eight years. She died last year and I'm still learning to continue to live without her. I wish I had done differently so that she would be alive today.
Caregiver to my wife. Caregiver to my FiL who recently had a stroke. I have 2 kids, one of whom is special needs. All my possessions fit into a medium suitcase. I have no room of my own, not even a bed. I genuinely don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live.
Get respite care from the school teachers, disable associations, a social worker can help with resources. All the best 🎉
I'm an only child care giver. I'm really clear on what I want to have happen - in private when no one else can hear me scream my frustrations. I want my 99 year old hypochondriac father to die. And soon. After a decade of this, can't take much more. I swear some days I will drop dead before he does.
I don't know how you've done 10 years. I've done 5, alone, and every day I feel more of my spirit die. I'm not sure I have anything left. I'm so sorry. People who've never had to do this have no idea. Saying it's hell is an understatement.
Lost my dad last year. I'm taking care of my mom full time and working full-time! It's taking a toll on me. I feel so dizzy at times and just so overwhelmed. I'm not the only sibling either but he doesn't care. He told me he won't do anything for her. And my family sadly hasn't done anything to help me. I over her so I'll continue to take care of her but damn i do feel so alone and overwhelmed. I feel burnout so much. I'm 31! My life is still ahead of me. Lord give me strength
Its not my parents its my husband that I care for. He is bedridden with advanced MS. I have been his sole caregiver for the last 11 years. I don't want to live anymore but I can't die because so much depends on me. There is nothing to look forward to. I can only envision a grim future that I fear because I know he will get worse. I have completely lost my identity. I'm not sad anymore I am simply without hope. I don't even know how to ask for help because nothing will help.
Hi Cindy - your comment breaks my heart. I have only been caring for my dad for 7 months after losing my mom suddenly to Covid. My dad has stage 4 pancreatic cancer and it's spread to his lungs. your comment that you dont want to live anymore really struck me because I found myself googling how to kill myself and make it look like an accident this past week. I cant imagine 11 years. I just want to tell you that YOU are important . YOUR life matters too. Forgive yourself for being human, stop feeling guilty for feeling overwhelmed. Do you realize that in a care home your husband would have an entire staff of people caring for him, and you are doing all the work alone? At least the staff gets days off! How could you NOT feel exhausted and hopeless? I don't know how you are doing it and staying sane. I have started taking 1 day a week away from dad when possible and it's helping a little. At least I have 1 day to look forward to, destress, or try to remember what I used to enjoy doing. Please try to reach out to someone to help you achieve even a little time away to give yourself a break. Maybe one of his doctors could help you with resources. Maybe you could find a support group who might have some suggestions. Please do something - no one deserves the life you are living and your husband being ill doesn't change that. I hope I haven't offended you in any way - hugs to you
Yes, what Tricia said. I try to go for a walk every day after my morning routine with my mom (breakfast, bathing, dressing). Helps to de-stress and makes me thankful for earths beauty even when it’s below zero in the winter. She requires 24/7 care and I have an app on my phone that I can monitor her while I walk. I get groceries once a week while housekeeper comes in (my day off 🙌🏼) and I can even monitor her from 20 miles away. I’ll send you a link if you want. The cameras were $17 each but have now doubled but still well worth it!!!
Hi Susan,how's your day going with you?@@susans8308
I am 40, a single mother of 2 ,and taking care of my elder father. It is really exhausting physically,emotionally and financially. Some of my family member cannot understand what I'm going through and it really makes me sad. Caregiving is not that easy. You cannot say to a caregiver that you don't have to think of yourself. Really, it's very very very stressful.
Omg you are speaking my mind
I agree with you.. its just some folks simply dont understand the pain.. when you alone taking care of a sick parent.
I’ve been a caregiver for both my parents since the age of 12. I’m now 29 and take care of my mom, my dad passed in 2016. I love her I really do but it gets frustrating. Our relationship has gotten worse throughout the years. I feel so behind in life. People my age are settling down and stable financially. I’m still stuck here and I feel like I’m just drowning.
....Since, 2011, I have been assisting in the physical care and transition, of numerous family members, without a reprieve or vacation of any sort...None of my siblings are held to the same standards, they're all free to roam and live their lives, as they please, but I don't have the same luxury. My body and mind, both feel like, they're on the edge of a nervous breakdown - when I look in the mirror I don't even recognize, the image, staring back at me. My health, (physical, emotional and mental), always comes, LAST, no matter how hard, I try to put myself, first, I'm always left with the crumbs. My memory and concentration SUCK, I'm chronically fatigued, amongst other things, and every day, I grow more and more resentful, about being stuck in this holding pattern of illness and death, with no time to grieve, inbetween, or nurture myself. If this continues, my life, will be a complete waste, and I'll have nothing to show for it, and nobody, to care for me, when the time comes. As it is, covid aside, I couldn't even have surgery, if I wanted to, because there is literally, no one, available, to help me recover post-op. When I try, to express, to my family members, that I need a break, or how all of this, toxic stress is wearing of on me, I am told, that "I have it better than most people" and to "quit complaining" as my needs, pale in comparison, to those, of the people that I have been caring for over the past decade. How do you, get yourself, out of a situation, that you were born into, when you don't have the resources, to leave, but you're terrified for your own health and well-being, if you don't get yourself out of this environment, soon?
You are killing yourself and it's not fair or right. Your family is also taking advantage of you and you are letting them. I guarantee you no one will help you if you need it... Just do a test, call one of them and say you need a couple hundred dollars or you need them for a day and see what happens.
You can easily get out of this. Tell your sick family member and members of the family that you cannot keep up with this. Tell them you will provide care for 4 more weeks, but they are going to have to find assisted living, a medicaid facility, or some kind of help for the loved one. Be firm about the decision as well. Don't accept excuses that we need more time, etc. They have four weeks and after that, you are no longer available.
I know it sounds cruel and mean spirited. But to put it bluntly, you are being an idiot to do this to yourself. You need to grow a pair and live your own life.
I have been in your situation. I was given all the burden and given every excuse in the book as to why they couldn't help. I would then see Facebook pics of boating trips, having a relaxing day, etc. When I gave them a four week notice, I was called an azzhole, selfish, a prick, and uncaring. They didn't take me seriously either, but I walked after four weeks. My brother quickly stepped in and she was in assisted living within a week.
I still visit her from time to time and talk on the phone. But the staff there takes care of all the needs. My mental and physical health rapidly improved. I was able to get adequate sleep and have time for myself.
@@michaelh5055 Thank you...I really appreciate the advice and words of strength and emotional support...it also makes me feel, slightly less hopeless, knowing that you made it out, successfully. Over, the weekend, I made some long overdue and necessary phone calls, to family members, regardless of how many waves, it would cause and feelings, it would hurt... living in a chronic state of anticipatory grief, for the past decade, has been a nightmare... I'm tired of thinking about, "who or where, I would be, if I wasn't who or where, I am, now".... I want to LIVE, and THRIVE, while, I am doing it...I deserve to travel and explore, without guilt or anxiety. I'm a very empathetic person, which is both, a gift and a curse, all, at the same time. I'm also painfully aware, of what it feels like, to struggle, physically and I try to treat everyone, the way that I would want to be treated, as a result. Right now, I've got 2 immediate, family members, in the end stages of ALS and Cancer, and I have been begging and pleading, with my family members, to get them the care they need, for years, but I just kept getting shut down and ignored, due to everyone's denial. I've been trying, like hell.
@@theresistance3818 I fully understand how you feel. I am empathetic as well and it easily leads to people taking advantage of you.
I would highly advise you to write a letter to send to family or to do a group call and explain this. What you are doing is a lot even for a caregiver who does this for a living.
I also really think you need to talk to a counselor. A third party person can see things that you can't. I don't even know you and can see what your family is doing to you.
Do it today. If you force the family to take responsibility, you are actually providing that person with more help. But be prepared for some nasty and cold treatment.
I am really in your corner. I went through this same chit and it's not fun. But you owe it to yourself to have your own life.
@@michaelh5055 ... I REALLY needed to hear, everything that you said... And I know, that you meant it all, with love and that of my best and highest interest. Everybody has been so consumed with looking after, our family members, who have been / are terminally ill, that they've become oblivious to everything and one else. I forgot what it feels like, to have someone, look out for me or even to validate, my feelings. When you have to constantly fight against the beast, that is denial, it wears you down, in every capacity possible. You've given me strength and clarity, today, with this conversation.... Thank you, for taking the time, to comment and reach out, to me, because it has made an impact. Your truthful words and sentiments, feel like a warm hug 🫂 around my bleeding heart ❤️.
@@theresistance3818 No problem at all, I am glad I can help. Let me know what happens.
Thank you for the video. I agree with everything you have said. My parents left their parents and moved overseas. So they never were burdened with care giving. They don’t know . Yet my sister and I are expected to do everything and hold a job. They refused home help but my sister and I set boundaries and got them help. We are both exhausted 😩 be kind to yourselves, get help and live !
Sending you all much love and blessings ❤
Thanks for your video. I am the sole caregiver for my former spouse. I moved back in when she was diagnosed with Parkinson's. She has digressed quickly over past few years. Balance terrible; falls often. Speech very compromised and hard to understand. Needs lots of help with daily tasks. We have a big house that is very hard for me to maintain and still care for her. I would love to sell it and get a smaller house but my spouse is a pack rat and it is difficult to get her to part with a lot of stuff. I am trying hard to honor what little independence she has but I'm just overwhelmed much of the time and need to find help for her and me so we both can get what we need
I've rambled too much. Thanks for listening.
What do I want? I don't want to live with my elderly mom in my house anymore and do everything. It is killing me. I understand the woman who burned her and her mom up. My mom has a house she does not want to sell. This needs to happen so she can go somewhere else. Good video. I subscribed. Thanks. I need to get out of this. I can't take it anymore.
Love your video… so timely. This morning a received a call at 6 am, after an exhausting week running back and forth to the hospital. What was the call about? My mom wanted to know if I had her bag. Ridiculous. My mom is devouring my life whole. I have used palliative care but now with her recent hospitalization, she needs extra care. My dreams have gone up in smoke for now. Im always putting her first in all things.
61 yo only child man caring for mom. Came 3 years ago to get long term care for her husband and realized mom was mentally worse than he. Been here 3 hours from my home dealing with the lives of 2 others. Never seen it coming. Im an old tough salty Marine whos had a solid boss and construction business owner.....this desease has chewed me up and chewed me some more.
Today is my heavy day. Concerned of falling and failing. My death would transfer responsibilities to my sweet, full of life children. Ive never been afraid of anything, but now live in panic and fear.
Im praying over all of you to who feel helpless and hopeless. May the Lord see us thru. A race well run.
This is awful of me to say - but the problem is we’re keeping people alive past the point where their minds don’t work and their mobility is gone. What is the point of living if you’re now wheelchair bound, can’t wipe your own ass, and can’t remember what happed 5 minutes ago? Modern medicine is great at “just keeping people alive” - but it does nothing to extend independence for older people - which is where medicine needs to focus on next. With a rapidly declining birth rate in developed nations, the current caregivers are not going to have anyone to look out for them when the time comes.
The fking truth is , its not about the caregiver taking care of themselves, its absolutely about all of the siblings doing their PHYSICAL PART!
Great video! Boy, I needed this. It was a “walk down the plank” day for me. My mom threw her iPad. Then she said I don’t do anything for her. She is bed ridden. I do everything for her. She has 8 doctors appointments in the next 2 weeks! I was trying to fit them all in before returning to the office 6/1 post Covid. It will be torture getting her to all of those appointments! You have the most calming voice - and you keep it real! Thanks!
8 appts in 2 weeks?? That would kill me! Do any of the doctors do virtual visits?
Sofia Amirpoor Thank goodness, 3 are video!
Try HouseCallDrs. Medicare should cover. A Dr or PA will come to the house. Labs & portable XRays can be done at the house. Reduces stress getting the patient ready, loaded into the car & driving to the appt.
((Hug))
I hear you all. 😢I’ve been taking care of my 93 yrs old mom for many years now. I can’t leave her and I’m dying while taking care of her. But I started working on myself. Find out why they are like that so I have a more understanding of where they’re coming from. I’ve started exercising, gardening or whatever I like that makes me happy. 😮I also practice being silent,not reacting to everything and I don’t need to be right anymore. This way, at least I’m in control of my emotions than letting others dictate it. 😔
My mother was dependent on me. My family didn't help except for 1 sister helped occasionally on Sundays for 3 hrs when I fed the homeless and did services at a nearbye park. I asked our Medicare Ins for Respite care. They sent the person & introduced her to my bed ridden mom. I don't think my mom was happy having a stranger sit with her. My mom died Suddenly the next Sat, morning of Rosh Hashanah '2020 & I cancelled the Respite. We need to respect the parent as they may not like outsiders. I cared for my mom 24/7 & never got paid for anything. I loved my mom very much. I have a medical background that helped me take care of my mom. I always got compliments from the Drs, nursing staff, bath aid & ancillary lab & xray techs. They knew my mom was in great hands. I give All Glory to God for His LOVE I shared with my mom. ✝️
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom. You are blessed to have had each other!
My aunt tells me that all the time.... I'm never going to do this 24/7 no way in hell I can make it through that again.
I am 46 & a caregiver to my 27 year old daughter and her two mall children. All younger and should outlive me …. Being a mom of small kids again at almost 50 and then having things to deal with while my daughter needs care for MS and a Leukodystrophy is beyond exhausting! I’ve been functioning in burnout mode for a few years now and no one helps me to get some time away… not even a day! My husband and I basically can’t have a relationship because no one ever leaves us alone. I don’t even go to the bathroom without a child or my daughter coming in to request something of me … I feel like only winning the lottery would save me so that I can pay the appropriate people to do all that I do … just so I can have a vacation! Life is not good for me … I spend all my time being a maid, caretaker, secretary, chef, driver..etc for everyone but myself. I can’t even find time to go to the doctor for myself and I’m sad almost every minute of the day! The state doesn’t give my daughter enough to not take from us and we are always drowning! Seems these programs only work for people not trying to do the right thing! Otherwise why does ssi take $400 from her allotted benefits because she doesn’t pay rent because she didn’t have an income and it’s only my husband that can work because I have to care for everyone and the burden to care for another adult and her kids fall into us even more so … I’m exhausted!!!
Hello Janet I am crying as I'm reading your SOS signal 😢 the endlessness and repetition of your position is very familiar to me !!! The loved ones you support are draining the life out of you. It's never ending stress and seemingly hopeless situation is not lost on me. I feel you. I am you. I understand where your coming from. And that's why we looked this up. I have taken care of my sister who had spinal meningitis at age 3. She is mentally retarded, bipolar and schizophrenic. I took care of both my parents who passed of cancer. I'm 57 and taken care of sis 27yrs. Now. I'm losing my mind at this point. And this video can't stop my delema or yours eighther !!! God help us we carry on the only way we know how. I will pray for you !!! And hope for a light at the end of our tunnel Little Lady !!! Hang in there Janet May you be Blessed Healed and Protected Sister !!!🙏 ❤✌🍀
You only spoke about "parents" but not spouses like me, a Great Grandmother who is THE only one to care for my husband. Everything children do for their parent, I do for my spouse while for years needing a knee replacement. I can barely walk, there is no way I can have surgery.
No one addresses elderly people taking care of a spouse with Alzheimer's on a fixed income. 😢
I'm 64 years old and my mom is 85 I'm disabled myself I have CP.
My mom has dementia I'm overwhelmed I don't trust my family members to help.
Because my took care of them for years and now they feel entitled to come around and I won't allow to come and use my mom like they have done.😢
Same age as you, my mom with Alzheimer’s is the same age as your mom and I so understand how you feel😢
What do you do if you're the ONLY living adult child with 2 elderly parents who BOTH have different dementias & an elderly husband who just had syncope & fell & now has compression fractures on his back, & I am IT, & I am 100% Disabled? I'm on my 6th year of caregiving & to the point all I do on weekends is sleep! I can no longer keep up with anything. Mom just went on hospice, but now I must care 4 my husband. I feel like my body is dying-literally. I can't keep up with paperwork & filing, I have no siblings & no child to help me, & my husband's family just calls to ck on my husband, but did nothing for me in the worst 1st few 90+ hr wks that lasted for yrs, w/NO breaks! I how pathetic is that? I don't remember what joy or fun is. I'm too tired to cook, & barely eat. My hubby had taken over most things @ home, but now he's flat on his back & even 3-6 cups of coffee can't wake me up! My house is a mess, I barely shower, or wash my hair, I've lost hope. I have severe chronic pain, Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, tumors on my spine, Severe PTSD, chronic depression, ADD, & need foot surgery but can't get it cause I can't be down that long. My skin gets sores that take months to heal, I take 33 high quality supplements every day, as I know I don't eat enough, & I've given up everything I used to love to do. I had an emotional support Shih Tzu, but our back yard's neighbors' son opened our gate & their 4 HUGE dogs killed our only little joy. I am so tired of life! No vacation in 12 YEARS! Not even 1 week! I know dad doesn't know me, & mom's almost there, & my husband has family who only care about him (never me, tho' I've been the 1 who's done all their cards & gifts & suggestions of help & here I am feeling so alone I don't want to live anymore). I just want to stop & rest for a year! But I can't. This video lady has a husband & a sister to help her, & is healthy. I'm disabled & not 1 person in the so-called "family" I've had & loved as my own yet they do NOTHING to help! If my husband has an emergency they'll call & maybe come visit my 81 yr old hubby once in awhile, while I am not thought of except once a yr I may get a sweet ltr from 1 of my husband's granddaughters who says she loves The rest, whom I loved forever only care about themselves. I treated them all as I would've my own, but still nothing! I'm 57 & have been in pain for 24 yrs physically.. I'm about at the end of this terrible life! Just want to sleep forever! How do you keep going when you just physically & mentally CAN'T ANYMORE?? I'm just telling the truth-so don't judge me til you've walked a mile in my shoes. My only sibling committed suicide. I have been abused my entire life since childhood. But I still have cared for everyone with love. I look back on a life of nothing but pain. And I am just about done with this thing called "life." I'm not expecting ANY pity, I'm just being HONEST! Lost my career when I became disabled & never lived in 1 place for even 10 yrs, nor had children, which is all I ever wanted. Now almost 60 with nothing to look back on with any joy! I live in a big home, debt free, drive a nice vehicle, but what does that matter if I feel terrible, PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY ALL THE TIME? I HATE dementia! It's stolen my life! I can't shop. Just order t-shirts etc. online. This world has made people "all about ME." NO one cares for anyone else anymore! I still make time to give & do for people who are hurting, sad or in need. But I feel so alone! This world is too sad for me! No comments needed, just go & try to do something nice for someone who needs help!!
What about when you don't have family that is willing to help? I am caregiver for my adult son with autism. His dad is in prison and unable to able to help. Family either lives far away or is unwilling to help because of his autism. I work as his caregiver because it's the only way I can afford to pay rent. If I worked outside the home, my son and I would be homeless, as rent keeps going up and we already live in the cheapest place possible. Right now, my only choice is putting him in a group home. I have been his caregiver for over 4 years by myself, with the only breaks being when he takes adult classes. It's either put him in day programs and lose my pay, which will result in not being able to pay rent or a group home.
Your suggestions all sound good but when you say don’t say no, be vocal on when you need help what exactly do you do when no one offers, ever? If you ask, beg, plead, cry they just say they’re living their lives. What about the caregivers life? Aren’t we entitled to our life too? Aren’t we entitled to relax, have friend time or do things we enjoy?
Well am begging someone to please come take over...and i mean now. I am totally burned out after taking care of my husband for 8 years. Please anybody, amywhere please come help. NOW!
My mom starts chemo for pancreatic cancer on the 27th, and my stepdad is having radiation for an acoustic neuroma on April 6. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I am their sole caregiver. My step dad is still able to work from home, but his symptoms preclude him from doing a lot of other things around the house. I’ve been in a light caregiver role for my mom for several years, and I feel like everything has accelerated so much in the last four months. My primary care doctor just told me that I have all of the symptoms of caregiver burnout, and I’ll be really honest, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do in terms of getting help for myself when I have a mom who doesn’t trust anybody else to come here.
Yes I’ve been a caregiver for 12 years and I do give my family relief and they go on vacations and get extra for working the holidays.I take care of my clients like they are my grandparents but my issue is after a year I would like a raise especially when I’ve been taking good care of them for a year and inflation is at an all time high. I need to provide for my family as I take care of yours❤
You’re so candid and caring. Thank you. ❤️
I try
I’m a 61yo married woman who has had to basically move 800 miles away from my home to care for my 90yo parents (Mom-dementia, Dad-COPD, kidney disease, and what looks to be the beginnings of liver failure) my pretty much useless 57yo brother lives with them, and does nothing to help care for them, so I’m basically his caregiver too. But if I say anything to him it upsets my parents (yes, he is the favored child, mildly special needs.) My health has really taken a hit since I’ve been down here, I can’t seem to get my blood pressure under control, and have panic attacks most evenings (pretty sure those would go away if I could tell bro what I want to.) I’m so angry over this situation, because I have tried FOR YEARS to get them to move near me. But nope, Dad dug in his heels and wouldn’t hear of it. They are wonderful people except for this instance. I feel like this was so selfish of them. My husband is coming down here soon, and we have a meeting with the social worker while he will be here to figure out a more sustainable plan. Cause this ain’t it!
Hi Dianne, how's your day going with you?
ALL COMMENTS/VIDEOS are regarding caring for ONE parent with dementia. I'm the ONLY CAREGIVER (& I AM 100% DISABLED!) who has cared for TWO PARENTS WHO BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT DEMENTIAS for 6+ YEARS! I have NO children, NO siblings, NOTHING, it has just been ME! My parents are in Stage 7 now, but have DIFFERENT symptoms, DIFFERENT health issues, DIFFERENT Sundowners probs, & on & on & on. The 1st 2-3 yrs (again me 100% disabled! And all they have had! Tho' there were others who did NOTHING!), I worked 90+ hours a wk, eating maybe 2 REAL meals/week, driving n2 my driveway & falling asleep immediately til my husband came out to get me, being so exhausted I'd fall asleep in the morning @ the drop of a pin, spilling my coffee all over my lap! There were nights I BARELY made it home-I was SO exhausted! AGAIN, I'M 100% DISABLED! There was a 6 month period I almost, or did, get n2 car wrecks from sheer exhaustion! No one in my husband's LARGE family undestood, nor TRIED to understand(!), nor helped in ANY way! Tho' I (we) have helped ALL of them in EVERY WAY, 10 adult grandkids, 3 50+ "adult children", & great-grandkids. Gave cars, pd 4 private schools, bought furniture for, sent $ to each month while they bought new cars & we (living without ANY, debt, driving used but nice cars pd w/cash, paying our mortgage off early, & ALWAYS, EVERY MONTH GIVING TO TRULY NEEDY PEOPLE!). We did without wants, buying ONLY needs, while all drove new, fanc.y cars, or had Nike shoe collections, yet they all had zero savings, til we finally woke up & said "NO MORE!"). But NO ONE EVER SPEAKS ABOUT A SOLE CHILD, USUALLY A DAUGHTER, CARING FOR TWO ELDERLY PARENTS WHO BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT DEMENTIAS! I've listened to & read all books, looked online, & found NOTHING! NO HELP FOR US CAREGIVERS OF 2!! I am in the last stage, Stage 7 w/my parents, BOTH parents-who both have VERY different problems, symptoms, issues, Sundowners, & on & on! I am 100% disabled & have lost ALL my health, joy, ability to do ANYTHING that brought me joy, since this hit me (like planting flowers, playing the piano, helping with our personal business, cleaning our home & we haven't had a vacation in 12 yrs - as b4 my parents we cared for another elderly family member who was a piece if cake & peacefully died @ home taking a nap, she had ALL her cognition til the end! But I have been utterly ALONE caring for my parents! Both w/different dementias! Today was HORRIFIC! But there is ZERO HELP FOR THOSE OF US DOING THIS! IT WAS 1 OF 10, NOW PROBABLY MORE! YET NO1 OFFERS HELP TO US?! I'm close to suicide as this is BEYOND the WORST of caring for just one! YET NO BOOKS, NO VIDEOS, NO HELP! Why! WHY!? I have chronic pain, Fybromyalgia, C-PTSD, Severe DEPRESSION, ADD, & MORE! Yet STILL, ALWAYS, ALONE, I've done EVERYTHING FOR MY PARENTS! And let my health go! I feel like I've been living in HELL for 6 years STRAIGHT & no one helps or cares! I know the stress causes my chance of dementia to go up (multiply THAT by 2!!), & I swear that I WILL NOT go down the road I've watched BOTH OF MY PARENTS go down!! Why, why, does no1 help those of use caring for 2 w/dementia? Do you not care, or see the DEVASTATION it does to ENTIRE FAMILIES, but ESP
NEEDED!🥺😥
😔 I pray to God that things get better for you 🙏🏽
I am 56 and looking after my 65-year-old brother who has paranoid schizophrenia. I have no other family. My life is being swallowed up by him. We are low-income and I skip meals so he can have the expensive nutritious foods his doctors want so he doesn't get diabetic from all his sitting and antipsychotic medication. I am underweight and have several chronic health conditions. It is really getting hard to manage.
My needs as a caregiver are brushed aside. I am invisible to his primary care physician and his mental health team. I told my own doctor last week that I was struggling with caregiving, food costs, everything really. He looked at me blankly and said "Yes, I hear that looking after someone is difficult" and continued typing. There is NO help if one is low-income. The system where I live in Canada was strained before the pandemic and now is a disaster.
I feel your pain. I"m so sorry you have to deal with all of that.
Yep you ticked me off... My family said they'd help and they won't do shit. The Drs and nurses and advocate of my mother said at the beginning we don't want anyone burning out we safe guard that.... Then why is my Dr say I am burnt out with both care giver burnout and compassion fatigue after 30 years of hell. Help doesn't exist!!! This is my living hell that I'm painting in a corner and can't escape from it.
I'm 35 and I'm a full time caregiver for my mother who had a stroke in 2017..left her paralyzed. She needs total care. I'm also a new mom, I have a 2yr old boy. I'm a single mom. I'm a business owner. I also have sister's and a niece that are in the same area that don't help me with my son or our mom. I feel severely burnt out. Today, I felt so crazy I googled exactly how I felt and this popped up(not the burning down the house part😣). When I watched this I was like... 👀 ...I never knew this existed I guess I just thought this is what good daughters do...but when the light bulb comes on its a crazy feeling like wow I'm officially burnt to a crisp? TY
@Aisha Jefferson Wow Wow that's a lot on your plate! Yes, this exists! But it doesn't have to. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Choose one small thing that can be done by someone else and do that for awhile and see how it feels. Laundry? Shopping? 4 hrs of watching mom once a week? If it feels good, add one more small thing. etc. Sometimes making huge changes is more difficult. But something definitely needs to give here!
Miss Sofia, I cannot thank you enough! Watching this, I felt as though I finally found someone who understands!! Words cannot convey how much this eight minute video has impacted me, and encouraged me. You’re a beautiful soul. Your understanding, compassion and care & your helpful, loving attitude seemed to jump right this screen and give me a long, tight, warm hug! That’s the only way I can describe it. Thank you Miss Sofia, I sincerely thank you!! I’m subscribing and can’t wait to binge watch your videos and learn. You’re not only helping me, but in turn, my whole family will be better!! May God bless you and your family tremendously! You’re an angel! ♥️ 😊 🤗
Nunya Bidnazz (love that screen name!), that was just about the very best comment that I've had! I thank you so much and am proud that I can help make a difference. I'm so grateful that you are following along.....welcome aboard!
@@SofiaAmirpoor 😊 thank you for the warm welcome and simply being you! You’re incredibly rare ♥️ Have a great day!!
I’m 27 Been a non stop live in carer since 19th November for mum no one in the family cares about her apart from me
I’m 27 as well. My father started showing signs of Parkinson’s and dementia almost a decade ago.
From across the globe: courage! I care for you both.
I am so glad I came across your video. I needed to here this.
There is nobody else that will!!! I've made my needs known and nobody but nobody will help!!! The excuses are like a mountain. I'm getting sicker by the day and yet my siblings still say no or just ignore moma and all the needs.
Thank you for the permission to say no to what I can't do. And for the hope that there are options. Just beginning what could be long term caregiver jointly with my in-laws.
I taking care of my husband mom I get blamed for everything I'm lock up with her all day with no help from husband he gets her out of the house leave me home I try to talk to him about how I feel he tells me it's not about you he doesn't want to hear it.i am so burnt out.
Omg so toxic just leave them alone for a while you owe them nothing get the hell out of there
Hi Julie, how's your day going with you?
Guys, i need advise. I grew up with an abusive mom. My dad is okay but judgmental, telling me its not good like this that im getting bigger and fatter. So thats my dad. My mom is very sick and my dad is working at the same time taking care of mom. He insisted me to come and take care of mom too. I live 8 hrs away from them. Im not really close to them both. I was forced and have no option . I felt so trapped. I am 27 and im working my way up to go to college. I have 3 brothers. 2 are outside US and the eldest live closer to my dad an hour drive but he has 3 little kids and own a house. They have a spare room but he told my parents that he doesnt want them to live with him , his kids and his wife who doest care either. I have panic attacks and i cant deal this. I felt trapped and dragged to care for them. I am not financially stable but i will do try to support them financially. Is it wrong to refuse to do caregiving to my mom and help my dad? U know, being there? Honestly i feel bad for them but i dont want to be there. Its to big for me that i cant handle. Please give advise ty
I’m in a similar situation but with my grandmother and I’m only 18. Just graduated and had acl surgery. Lost my job because of the surgery and the burden of everything has me so depressed and anxious I don’t know what to do or how to fix my life.
Thanks, Sofia! You convinced me, I need the help!
How do I take care of myself as a mother whose overwhelmed with 4 littles? I’m constantly stressed, irritable and fighting adrenal fatigue.
What can you do when the rest of your whole family has left you (a person who weighs 80lbs, in ESKF & years of chronic pain) alone w my over 90 year old mother & I have no other place to live so am threatened with (Get Out) if say she & I are in danger & local agencies know the situation but since all due to dysfunctional family can & do nothing!
Feel I’m losing my mind & know my health & don’t want to pass myself in stress & I have no control over the money or decisions! What do I do as said no agency will do anything as other family members pretend to be helping when or if they came 😢. Ty & for anyone who can get out please do it!!
I’m taking care of two disabled parents - one with ALS and another who had a massive stroke over a decade ago (but still has cognitive function and full use of their left side). Both are wheelchair bound and have become entirely dependent on me and my siblings (only one of which actually helps) for 24/7 assistance.
However, it has now gotten to the point where neither parent bothers to do anything for themselves and both of them expect us to wait on them hand and foot. My mother doesn’t even want us going home to our own families and insists we stay overnight in case she or my father have to go to the bathroom, and is also attempting to dictate what kinds of regular jobs we work (insisting they be fully remote) so we can be there for them at the snap of a finger.
Assisted living and a full-time caregiver are out of the question since we do not have the money. And my parents refuse to go to a nursing home. Plus, extended family and friends offer little more than moral support from a distance and have cut off all contact from our family because they fear they will be asked to help. And the few who do offer any kind of tangible assistance, it’s usually limited to cooking a meal or coming to chat for an hour or so.
As a result, we are seeing increases conflicts at our own homes or at work, with one sibling already having been let go from his job because he was never able to be in the office.
I am exhausted to the point where, god forgive me for saying this…I’m ready for both of them to just die quickly and release us from this burden.
Men are caregivers too!
Grandmother has dementia and is immobile. Father and me have been doing over day and night to help. Grandfather is unappreciative and on multiple occasions has told us to stfu when told her medicine needs to be given on time especially when she has a history of seizures and recently had one. No other caregiver is reliable or lasts with the job over about a month.
In our house we have both my husbands mom and dad living with us and I'm going die off stress. His mom walks into the kitchen from her room naked and my kids have seen her. And his dad won't shower. I have a chronic illness so does my daughter we're both in constant flair from stress.
I'm not looking after a parent.
I'm the full-time carer of my child who has a genetic disorder, ie, who has special needs.
And, more and more these days I do think about unaliving myself but more than likely won't because my daughter won't have anyone else to care for her because there isn't anyone else with the same commitment that would take care of her. Her other parent isn't able to.
Not everyone has family members pitching in and helping in different ways. My immediate family members live in different countries and no one has offered to use their vacation time to look after my child so I could get a break.
I get my break when my child is at school but during the long summer break, she's home with me 24/7 and it's damn exhausting.
Great video...do you have any similar videos detailing the dynamics of living with and/or caring for elderly in-laws?
Nothing specific to in-laws, but what a great topic!!!
i am a male caregiver taking care of my mom for almost 3 years alone, she is hypertensive and with diabetis, in a FILIPINO way if hard times get so rough "Bahala si Batman" and i am going to 4 years, your videos really helped me.understand how hard and exciting caregiving is KUDOS
I’m an only child caregiver…. I was the caregiver for both of my grandparents, and after they died, I became the caregiver to my parents, and when they died, I now am the caregiver for my father in law and my uncle. We tried applying for all social services and got declined and we couldn’t get anything. My uncle is refusing to move completely from his hoarder home and my father in law has no assets. Luckily, I work from home to take care of them. I’ve often thought of ending my life, cause it just seems too much at times since no one understands, and no one seems to really care
Great video! We caregivers need to hear this. Thanks.
Thank you!
I am 67 yo Cancer survivor taking care of 75 yo disabled Vet and partner of 35+ years. He has multiple diagnoses, mobility issues and 100% urinary incontinence and etc. etc.. He is OCD about most things and requires help w
EVERYTHING. He is developing cognitive issues, lies to his Drs in Zoom or VA online appointments, and I have allowed it for YEARS. About a year ago I started drinking at nights (on those two nts/wk when a caregiver relief person is with him). He reported my indulgence to his VA Social Wkr, and I can now be charged with NEGLECT if he reports again. I am thinking about locking myself in the Prius to contain the bloody mess.
Sophia. Thank you for your very entertaining and informative video. My sister and I are dealing with a situation with our mom that is so unique that we have not found any resources out there that pertains to her situation. Although we watch and read about the dementia that she’s going through we understand how to deal with it but my sister is a sole caregiver. She’s been doing it for seven months, my sister does not get a break. Our mom will not let anybody else come over besides her brother and a family friend,so we’re stuck with the burden of being there 24 seven. I come out from Colorado to be with our mom to relieve my sister of her duties for such a short period time. The stress is overwhelming for her, but there’s nothing else we can do, if we had someone come in, it’s too stressful for our mom to have fear and anxiety and worry about us when we’re not here so what does somebody in our situation do? We can’t find any resources out there for it. Any info would be gratefully appreciated.
My sister refuse to do their share, my mam refuses to have carers. I feel burned out with a full time job and my mam to look after. I don't have a partner and feel like my life is passing me by. There are no choices if your parent won't accept outside care
I am at the point where whenever I feel so frustrated I just repeatedly smack my face really hard and hit myself until whatever thing I used to hit myself broke into pieces. I feel so guilty whenever I feel “burnout” because I shouldn’t feel it and my siblings probably just think I shouldn’t complain since I don’t have to work when in reality I feel so left behind compared to my peers n the person I’m taking care of whom I love also wouldn’t understand so it’s so frustrating sometimes i fantasies about suicide a lot but i would never do it because I believe in my religion so yeah I just settle into occasional self harm because at least for some reason every time after I self harmed and cry my frustration out I feel better
My moms care is killing me and im an only. Memory care and nursing care is so expensive...soo.totally stuck.
All I know is after being a caregiver for many years, I am done. It is time for me to do what I enjoy ! Design and graphic art. Maybe some travel. I am not especially burned out, but thankful I have had the education so I can do the kind of work I enjoy
It’s true that there are other people that can change a diaper, or pick feces off the floor. Are all caregivers skilled at Transfers from the Bed>
Sorry, how does one "sell their house", when they're bedridden and ill? Could you sell your house, if you were in that condition? How would you DO that? Please explain because I'm at a total loss on that one, hun!
I've been taking care of my mom with dementia for 5 years now and we have been through a lot she has had me put in jail twice and caused numerous complications throughout the time. She also has a good side most of the time her evil twin always comes out of nowhere and can be very abrasive to say the least, now she's barely walking become incontinent and I don't know if a facility would even tolerate her twins rage . I don't know how or what to do with her but she's got nobody else and I can't let her ruin me . Any thoughts?
I don’t know how in the world you made it past the jail time 😳. I’m going on 5 years myself and the incontinence is rough. I have found these amazing washable LEAK proof pads for my mom to sleep on, smaller ones to sit on. Life is SO much easier. Let me know if you need a link.
My mother has been on chronic steroids for around 13 years which can really change your personality. She is also developing dementia and is considered mildly cognitively impaired. She also drank every day of my entire life including up until about 3 weeks ago. Her personality is extremely odd, it’s unpredictable and incredibly horrible at times. We think there may be a personality disorder that’s been undiagnosed on top of the above issues. I am the only child and only family member in America. I am also a RN. I’ve had to pretty much give up my job to care for her . She just entered an assisted living facility this month and all I’ve heard is how awful everything and everyone is. I had to call the director of the facility on a weekend, where she proceeded to tell me my mom has already had “outburts.” I wanted to tell her try living with that one on one for years! Today I tried to take a day for myself but got the inevitable call with nothing but complaints. I can’t escape. She won’t leave me alone but she also constantly criticizes me. I can feel your situation but sounds even harder. I came here because I am in tears knowing I have to go there tomorrow to help her do somethings, and check on my Dad with parkinson’s. It feels so alone sometimes, but reading all the comments here, know that you’re NOT alone in this. And I’m pretty sure quite a few of us have had fleeting thoughts about burning down the house!
Thank you this video helped me tremendously, I was on a baby plank lol. I have always been the one to do it ( everything) So my mom lived with me and was about to move out right before everything happened. She started working with a doctor that made her get better and decided she doesn’t want to do it. So as I am taking my class online I had to miss classes when she went to the hospital because she doesn’t want us to leave her alone ever. I need some other ways to do this and this helped me. Thank you
The burnout I feel rn isn't from taking care of parents, but actually my pet.
The family dog has a skin disease and it's been going on and off for about 2-3 years now. I'm so tired, my parents aren't helping me financially so I'm expected to use my own money to pay for his checkups, medicine and for him to get a bath at the pet shop because I'm a fulltime college student who's already stressed out from online classes and low on funds. They don't help with bathing the dog or giving it medicine. I'm the one that's taking care of the dog yet they complain every single day about the dog, they like giving bs 'advice' even though they don't know any details about it's illness. I'm so tired of their constant complaining and pressure they have on me.
I feel so horrible, sometimes I just wish the dog would pass away already and I always feel so guilty and awful.
I'm sorry if this wasn't appropriate for this video, just needed somewhere to vent and share my thoughts. Thanks for reading
I am a caregiver for my mom but I’m also dealing with an aging dementia pet on 5 meds she won’t take. And my other elderly pet passed a few months aho. It’s incredibly stressful too. I’m sorry.
Which government agencies do I contact for help, advice, assistance, etc. I have often wished that someone would come up with a reference chart that can be referred to.
Try your local Area Agency on Aging or Office on Aging for assistance and referrals. Good luck!
I get verbally abused by my narc elderly mother, the smallest dialogue turns into a huge fight, I get high blood pressure from her, she is a Demon and a Tyrant all in one package ! since I was young she was bossing me around putting me down telling me I am good for nothing and I developed severe OCD and psychological health conditions and physical conditions as a result of her abuse.
This is fluff. I was looking for something empowering, or even just encouraging. This is not it. For most of us, the state will not support us, the federal government will not support us. Elder care in the United States is a joke and we should be ashamed - and that's not even addressing those of us who have to figure out daily or end of life care for non-seniors. We need to do better. For anyone struggling with low-income caregiving, I see you and you are appreciated.
What if you have no other family and there is no programs you or your mom qualify for? I am disabled and have been taking care of both parents since 2014. Now just my mom since my father passed. I am so tired.
Its not just women. I am 36 taking care of my grandmother. Working from home with a full time job too. I am so stressed. My mom shows up 2 at most times a week to check on her mom to give her a bath. I hardly go out anymore other then to do stuff for her. She acts like I do nothing when during my 15 min breaks I check up on her and take care of her elderly dog. I took one vacation a few months ago and in that time she had a fit. My mom had to say with her everyday when I was gone (she hadn't planned that) She's had congestive heart failure. But she is that type of person that got divorced young and never tired to remarry so she has had a streak of independence. My situation is I'm becoming really cold right now with the caring. But because I am a man it gets taken the wrong way. I don't ask for much I just wish she would 1. not act like I don't work full time while taking care of her stuff. 2. understand I curse in normal speaking its not against them its just how I am. 3. I'm about at my limit.
My thing is not burning the house down. Its going and just leaving and becoming a long distance trucker. I'm fine being alone and I don't worry about anyone taking care of me when I get old. (I don't plan to make it that far). So its not a big deal. The problem is my grandmother is very combative and then victim blames when she gets called out. (And I don't take any shit ether and call it out) She won't live with my mother because she hates my Step-Dad. She won't go to a home because she won't accept their help. But she can't live by herself. Life feels like a Prison. But ya..... deal with it I guess.
My partner had a work place accident last year, my health has just started to suffer , depression, high blood pressure, crippling anxiety. I had to drop out of college and put my life on hold again. we have 3 kids and years of recovery still ahead. I'm lost and worn out
Just so everyone knows. Most states will pay a family member to care for your parents. I'm a caregiver and been taking care of my mother and getting compensated for it. It's alot of work at times but I'd rather do it than trusting someone else.
what state?
Not spouses in my state and you must jump through hoops.
Wow I love that introduction and it's not even 10 seconds into the video and I want to watch this whole video looking through all the other videos I now noticed all of them were almost the same never answered my question
HELP! My 78 yr old mom refuses to get out of bed.wont lift her head to eat. Wants her pills placed on her tongue. I tell her these things she wants are dangerous.. she eats with her head on the pillow. Shes refused to do physical therapy despite being told it would help her weak muscles. Her dr says its time for a nursing home.. unless she starts making an effort.. while I agree with him.. she won't go. We live together but I'm flaring badly with my sjogrens and nueropathy... besides having ehlers danlos and now putting my own health on the back burner .
Hi grettagrids. Sounds so hard and you must just feel helpless! Has mom been assessed for depression? If she is suffering from depression perhaps a new medication could help her with motivation. Some questions: is she losing weight? if so, she may be heading for needing a feeding tube. Do you know her wishes about wanting one of those? If not, it's time for that conversation. What is her rational for this behavior? Has she decided that she's just tired? and done? It's hard to hear, but she has a right to be tired and done. But if you know what it is, then you can support that and not push things on her. It sounds like this is taking a major toll on you physically. Can you say "I love you, but I can't take care of you (I have a video called that, by the way....you should watch it!), help me come up with a plan. We can either get help in the house, or you can go to a nursing home." She will rebuff both of these ideas. Don't end the conversation here. This is just where the important discussions start! "What's your biggest fear about getting help (or going to nursing home)", and listen to her concerns and try to address them. Negotiate. Support. Help problem-solve. If she still refuses, then consider if it's time for hospice....I mean, I don't know her dx or medical condition, so I'm just throwing this out there. And if you haven't already, please, please have a discussion about her advance directives. Does she want to go back to the hospital if she gets sick? Does she want CPR if she chokes while eating in bed and can't breath? and if she gets CPR, they will put her on a ventilator....is she ok with that? So many questions. But if you know the answers, even if not in writing, then you will know what to do if/when the time comes and you and she can stop the viscous spiraling. She may need to hear that there is no option other than a nursing home. She will be mad, yes, but what else can you do? Assure her that you'll be there to make sure she's safe as much as possible with COVID rules, let her talk about what she's afraid of, listen, love, understand. And know that you're doing the right thing. I wish I was in your back pocket to help with conversations! Thinking of you...
I'm sitting on the patio having a beer, while my love is in bed on his phone, not burning the house down.😂💖
Good for you Belinda! You're a great role model!
Only thing I’d change Belinda is beer to wine. As for you Kelly, how long have you been a caregiver and or how old are you? Are you spending your golden years taking care of an elderly parent say in her 90’s that is SUCKING the life-force out of you? I don’t think you should JUDGE without walking in Belinda’s or Sofia’s shoes.
@@kellys1893 You need to Schutt your mouth.
@@susans8308 two people died. It’s not funny.
@@kellys1893 Who in the hell said or insinuated that two people dying in the fire was funny??!!??? In my opinion no one is laughing at the tragedy. I certainly didn’t take it that way and don’t believe the comments were meant that way. Get your panties out of a knot, we are all trying to cope with the horrible situations we find ourselves in. You’re NOT helping by saying such an asinine thing!
I was caring ❤ for my mother as the only daughter with the assistance of the in home support care giver for almost a year and a half. She was high level of care can only hold and drink her drink most times. I have a family of 4 with one minor and a daughter that needs support too. Mom almost shocked 3 times. I had several health crisis. My blood pressure was above 150 ' s. I had a thyroid toxicity crisis storm diagnosed with early symptoms of Hashimotos disease. I had been dealing for decade with chronic health issues. I had to make the difficult decision 😪 to place mom in a nursing home. Then the mental worries about how she was being cared or neglected. She was already on breathing treatment and oxygen. She passed away 10/03/2022. I fill some guilt at the end i was getting a little irritable and frustrated 😞 and before I neglected her because my body didn't feel like caring for her I placed her in the nursing home. She had her best year with me and think she found peace. I gave her the best supplements from live Vantage and seemed in peace and conformable. I and caregiver exhausted . My family 👪 and I were very limited in doing family outings.
What if I’m an only child? Very smart, manipulative mother age 97, healthy for her age. And I’m in my seventies.
Where I live, there is no option that is not expensive or will result in a positive outcome for either parent I care for. Combined, they only make about 40k a year in an area where the average income is about 70k. I can only help just so much because I only get a very very small amount for taking care of just the one parent. The other they will not allow to be covered due to income. I cannot get a second job, because my parents ARE a full time job, and a job I get paid extremely little for. With me putting my whole income back into the household, we maybe have 45k a year to work with. We get little to no help from other family who live in the area despite asking. I am extremely stressed out, and have had a nervous breakdown that put me in the hospital in the past. It feels like there is nothing I can do, and that no one really cares to help. We are always out of money to pay the bills, and with the way our local DSHS runs, it is a constant worry that they will AGAIN screw us over and reduce services....which has happened many times over the years. Sorry, I know you meant this video to be helpful...but it was anything but helpful for me and my family. There is no help for us. We are stuck.
I lost my girlfriend to caring for her alzheimer diseased dad less than a month ago. I have seen the spiraling in her health with nothing I could or was allowed to do by her. This is a serious issue. Please get help.
But how to say no, when your siblings don't care at all :( I feel so lost like my life doesn't matter anymore.
Have things gotten better ? I hope you are okay
@@Stress_._Free not really 🫤, but thanks for asking.
I have decided not to let it affect me as much and try to do things for myself also.
They have already lived their lifes as they wanted to, i should learn to stay kind but put myself first.
I need help. I take care of my mom (70) kidney disease/transplant recipient, and both her parents (93 & 95), who both have end stage vascular dementia. I've been doing it since I was 28. I'm 43 now. I recently started having several anxiety attacks, and I hate it. I am starting to resent them all, and I want to either give up or check myself into a mental facility. This video helped. If anyone knows any other ways to cope, please talk to me. I'm cooked!
Omg ! You deserve to live your life ! Say no
Hi Sofia ❤ I just found you! You have a new subscriber. My loving mother went to heaven 5 years ago and asked me 2 times on her death bed to please take care of my loving father. Even though we are six siblings, only I take care of him. He is an angel 90 year old father. I have a brother that cares for him and comes on Saturdays and gives me a hand. He got COVID on July 4th and was hospitalized for 8 days. He never came back the same. I haven’t left his apartment since then. He calls me 3-4 times every night to do pipi in his commode .. he used to be able to do it before COVID.
Do you have a way we can communicate in a easier way? I am very stressed out and have so many questions… I can’t find a good psychologist that my insurance can pay to help me out. Please advise. God Bless you and your family. 🙏🏻💙
Years ago I read a book about family and child rearing. It gave many common sense approach. It said if you tried this or that and it didn't work try getting out side help. Basically make someone else do it. Ya feel me
That's how you fix mental health and homeless population, make someone else do it
What if you have no help And there's no money?