How to break up with toxic people
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- Опубліковано 2 сер 2024
- I think the subject line of this email says it all, doesn’t it? The video for this week is a small clip from a Q&A session I did last year, as well as an essential postscript for folks who might be considering confronting the people in your life who are toxic and have harmed you (either in the past or currently). The bottom line is this: when we maintain connections to people who are not good for us and/or there aren’t strong boundaries in place, it’ll be next to impossible to restore true cellular safety and nervous system regulation to the human system … Which means our healing will be stunted and it’ll be more likely we will keep retraumatizing ourselves and those around us. Start making the changes so you can heal and break free of toxic people safely.
View the FULL Q&A call wherein this small video clip was taken from: • Special Q&A For 21-Day...
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Please know that…
The statements on this UA-cam channel or in videos are simply opinion. Content presented or posted on this channel is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment or a professional therapeutic relationship. Content presented or posted is intended to provide general health information for educational purposes only and you should contact the appropriate healthcare professional before relying on any such information.
My website is a wealth of free resources and information on how to start this work, so here it is one more time: irenelyon.com
been there. done that. many times. I agree, it doesn't do anything good.
I agree 100%.
"learn to love the sound of your feet walking away from people not meant for you"
I completely, completely, completely agree. I run away when I was 18. Got chronically ill at 39 and then tried to reconnect. It was simply awful, the same thing as it was. At that moment I noticed that I changed, but my mother didn't at all. I said no, at the list, but froze as usual. For a very short time, it was reliving the same violent situations. So, run as far as you can and work in yourself and don't believe all that b****it about forgiving etc. Forgive yourself, forgive as much as you can in order to be able to get some oxygen and leave them to their destiny, you have enough on your own. It is learning about saving oneself without the shame or the culpability that was embedded in the hall package of abuse.
This is so true and so important. Don't try to confront the toxic people. Learned it the hard way. What makes me angry is that so many therapists, friends etc suggest you to do that and then you have to deal with all that too. Argh...
So true. My family turned on me. Devastated me. Told me I was crazy, lying, etc. Added so much more pain and trauma. Really interfered with my healing. Did a huge number on me psychologically. I was so naive in trusting them. If only I'd had this wisdom sooner!
Literally, I had the exact same situation. I still have no contact with them, and they probably still think I'm crazy. Life is so much more peaceful in healing without those toxic people around
Yes, I personally had that happen! Other people whom have not done any or very little awakening work are not ready for our truth! Go slow and be kind to ourselves ! 😊
I totally agree with everything you’re saying, Irene. It’s an invaluable caveat to this work. but as someone who did confront their parents. Yes, it was painful, but it was the experiential medicine I needed in order to decide that for now I cannot speak with them.
Up until that point the fusion that came from the unhealthy attachment bonds I formed with these people was SO strong.
Strong in them and strong in myself.
Therefore, I couldn’t rely on them to maintain daily interpersonal healthy boundaries with me for the sake of healing.
In my case, I was that someone who was unconsciously helping regulate my parents emotions because they didn’t know how and that was threatening the bond so I compromised my life force to keep the bond alive. That instinctual response and that unhealthy fusion was so strong there was no way I could just stop right away and break the habit cold turkey.
I wasn’t aware enough yet how much this unhealthy co dependency was playing out.
I commend you if you are that aware and have that much self discipline to begin with, but I did not.
Perhaps for others like myself healing should begin with a very neutral diplomatically enforced no contact or speaking rule from the beginning.
This is so well worded - I deal with this same situation with my mother and have had so much difficulty putting it into words or finding people who understand this dynamic. Few people see the role reversal that happens in some parent child relationships and how difficult it can be for the child to connect and identify with their own needs after a lifetime of putting their parents needs above their own for their own survival. Being in a relationship with that person you formed those unhealthy attachment styles with can be very difficult when you’re trying to stay in your own experience and not taking on the others burdens. Thank you for your comment - it shows how this work is the right path to heal this that I see others with the same issues gathered around this work.
Great reply Sierra! Thanks. - Seth from Team Lyon.
Yes, I can absolutely confirm this. Confronting the people in your life about this can backfire and you will walk out of that even more traumatized than you went in and it can really affect your longterm healing. I confronted my parents - more accidentally rather than intentionally. In the moment I tore down the walls I spent many years buliding around my trauma, thinking I could handle it. But I could not. I had a full on mental breakdown with an out of body experience. To this day I am hesitant to even work on that trauma partially because of that incident.
Yes, it happened to me a year ago. And I still feel the effect to this day.
I can totally relate to your experience. So sorry that you (we) have go through it. Lots of compassion to you, Nina 🙏
@@beelover2827 i am sos sorry to hear this. but i guess just the fact, that we watch irenes videos is proof that we are making progress and getting the tools we need to fully heal
@@Lilredjeanie thank you, lots of compassion to you too :)
I wish I could've seen this video 5 years ago when I confronted my family and got met with resistance and gaslighting damn
Yes, that's totally right. I told my mother how I felt as a child with the stuff she did to me, actually I wrote it in a letter. She was devastated, broke up in tears on the phone, although she must have been crying since reading the letter, and told me she did her best to give me an education. And she would do it all the same again, if she were to raise a child now. Which was again very painful for me, cause her education was torture. Me at age 5: "Mommy, I'm scared!" - "What?! This is not true! Fear doesn't exist! There is no fear, it's just a word!"
There’s really no reason at all as an adult to go to ones parents with this information... there’s nothing they can do now to heal what happened then and there’s really no response they can give you now that will help anyway - it’s like going to a knife to be healed from the cut it gave you. It’s up to us to connect to our inner processes to heal. The only thing we need to determine with our parents is are we and they in a place where we can continue to have a relationship with our parents as an adult as we are healing from disregulation without being held back from healing or being further hurt? A lot of inner boundaries are usually needed.
Absolutely true. I confronted my brother and sister separately about six months ago, they each had their own story about what happened in our childhood and defended it aggessively, and now neither one will talk with me, which means I've spun out again and have even more mess to clean up.
yay, thank you for the bite-size chunks! I have found myself getting very resistant to long videos/interviews in the last year.
I loooooove the long interviews :D
That's exactly what happened. My mother used to hit me when I was a child, including on Christmas Eve. I wanted to talk to her about it as an adult but all she answered was "It's in the past, we have to move on". I lived in unsanitary housing with mold on my bedroom walls and was bedridden in great pain. I asked my dad to do something about the mold and all he did was paint white paint over the mold. I suffered martyrdom for years because of this and my adorable pet died of it. During that time, my father was gaslighting on me "It's your fault if you're sick because you don't see the right doctors". I wanted to talk to him about it and tell him that he was responsible for all this. He just replied "You're not going to repeat this indefinitely". Today, I am traumatized and very saddened by the loss of my pet I started on the 21 day Nervous system Tune up.
Hi Winnie, Seth here with Team Lyon, I'm so sorry to hear about these experiences you've had which are, sadly, all too common. I think you fill find a lot of really great support and camaraderie in the 21 Day Tune Up, both from your peers and the moderating team. I'm very glad you are taking your healing into your own hands like this! Thanks for being here and for doing the work.
I feel so bad. My country is bad so I called my father and I was in tears. He laughed at me.
He destroyed my life and he continues to laugh at me, that bastard. 😭
Thank you for this interesting video. It depends on what is understood by confronting. I refuse to allow toxic people to cause me to deny myself & truth. When they lie, gaslight, smear refuse to take responsibility etc the list goes on, it is important to stand in one's own truth & express it. I see this as standing ones ground rather than being confrontational. Expose the truth by sticking to the facts & setting boundaries though these can be ignored. The truth comes to light eventually & sets one free. After five years of experiencing all of the above with a toxic neighbour & landlord institution, I think the tables are beginning to turn. If I move I worry that this will result in a flee response, meaning I am still caught up in the drama. I can now see when others are causing drama. I hope I have a healthy revulsion to it so not so enmeshed.
I can also see the futility of direct confrontation & how this can backfire. Perhaps it is finding balance without compromising oneself.
You are totally right, no understanding there. We wouldnt be at this state if there was no trauma. It is denying. It was asulting, fighting. And I didnt want to kick back. Because this rage about my sister and mother is killing rage. And I didnt want to harm them as they did harm me physicaly and emotionaly. If you want to know how much youre family hates you, and thinks that you are the problem and maybe crazy, you will get it especially if youre mother is a narcissist. Ignoring, denying, and always blame you. The whole point of trauma is that when we were litlle we didnt have the choice, but now we can have it.
So true. I’ve made several attempts like this in the past and it never ended up with any good results. I really loved your explanation here. Family of origin is dysregulated and they are limited in their capacity, which is why there were serious issues leading to trauma in the first place....Excellent advice on how to handle this type of thing. Spot on.
Really appreciate this video ❤
Excellent, thank you. This validates exactly where I am...unfortunately in present with spouse. I appreciate the more bite sized learnings. so grateful for you Irene and your work and gifts to help heal the planet.
Thank you !
Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤
Absolutely loved this,thank you!
Hi Irene: this was exactly my experience when breaking up with the father of my two kids; the freeze and fight responses were observed; problem is because we continue to parent two kids; much of the abuse has continued and gotten worse because ' she left' . I am looking forward to the two videos coming up in the next couple of days; weathering the aftermath of a breakup and it has been 2.5 years since I left is almost worse than living as I was.
Thank you for your work, Irene. I love this new way you are delivering bite size info from your long-form library 💕❄️ Great to see you!
Thank you so much Irene!
Irene. This was timely, full of hope, validating, and just exactly what I needed. Thank you!
Thanks so much for this valuable information. It came timely as I have been questioning these points. 🙏🏼💜
Thanks for the decision to put out videos with concentrated information. Really great!
That is so true.. As i am doing my work and feeling better, my mom started to feel better and joking around. She never did.. Its interesting :D and i dont force them anymore.. I do my work.
I like this form a lot.
Brilliant insights! Especially about the way a family will respond if confronted.
Really appreciate the more bitesize format x
Thank you. I had a very abusive childhood but never cut off from my parents (who are now in their 80s). Ive always played the good daughter. I have no intention of confronting them, my father would get defensive and angry and belittle me and my mother might freeze. My dilemma is about how to create the boundaries in our relationship that I need to do this work, but have never allowed myself to take. I have such a strong sense of wanting to walk away but wouldnt know what to say. How to ask for space without getting into why I feel i need it. Its not easy. Strangely it not about guilt its more about how their reaction might affect my nervous system and take me back into freeze again.
Hey Susan Tomes, Seth here with Team Lyon. It sounds like there is a strong pattern here of you taking care of your parent's emotions, so the first thing I'll say is, that is NOT your job. You don't need to explain why you need space, you just need to respectfully tell them that you do, for your own personal reasons. If they are hurt by that, or angry, that's their job to deal with, not yours. It may be that your system gets triggered into freeze or some other activated state by doing this, but if so, that is all the more indication that you need to. And once you do that and HAVE the space, you can work through whatever gets brought up.
It sounds like reading this article might be helpful... sethlyon.com/sometimes-break-family/
@@IreneLyon Hi Seth thanks for your forthright response and powerful article. So I’ve taken the first step (40 years later than I’d have liked) and have stated I need space. I’m working with my own triggered response to this request. We will see what happens but I’m clearer now on what I want and need. . I’ve also said no to a lot of other commitments ( that I didn’t want to do ) to really give myself the space to focus on my healing. This is huge as my normal reaction to any stress would be to do even more as a way of burying my feelings. New ground, so slowly slowly but the old way wasn’t working for me.
@@bethechangebath7663 - Seth here again. This is SO wonderful to hear. Huge congratulations to you, these are very important and powerful steps you are taking.
Your hair is so pretty please let us know your haircare routine
thanks for the reminder..just don't do it ! ..and yes to shorter videos :D
Question: what about when it comes to romantic relationships? To me there's a difference there, family is a no go, but with other relationships I wonder if it can be empowering sometimes? For example when someone that you hadn't seen in a long time and wants to reconnect, apologizing for what they've done in the past etc, and promises you things and then repeats the same mistakes as before, leaving you in silence, at that point I felt the impulse to say things as they are to them, to not take that silence anymore and speak up. But I've been pondering whether that would be a good idea as I don't know if I'll get more stuff to deal with, although it would be liberating too, because whenever I needed to express myself he would run.
Hi Irene. Thankyou for this. I love your work. I have just started doing family therapy (with my family and a therapist) in the hope it might help towards healing my lifelong trauma (I am 46). It was recommended by my psychiatrist who believes that my parents’ conflict during childhood was the source of all of my pain. He said the same about my brother (though tragically my brother committed suicide). My family have agreed to this therapy. I am nervous it could go either way as my mother can be a frightening woman. Could you maybe do a vlog about whether you would ever encourage confronting family members in the safer environment of family therapy? Do you know of any cases where it was worth taking the risk of raising things with family and where it led to some healing? Thanks in advance for any help! x
Hi Lucinda, Seth here from Team Lyon. If a family member agrees to go into therapy with you, then that is different. When you both are in the room with a third party who knows how to hold safe space and keep the work productive, and can assist each of you in processing what is brought up, that is a space where it is totally ok to bring up this stuff with a family member, that's what it's for. So if they sign up willingly to go into such an undertaking with you, then yes.
This is so true. It happened to me a year ago.
Anyway, do you write a book about this all or do you have any book recommendation?
Hi Bee Lover, Seth here from Team Lyon. I don't know of any books on the topic, but I do have this article that is on the same topic... sethlyon.com/sometimes-break-family/
Hi! What if it’s not people who are necessarily toxic but just don’t understand this work at all? Can interacting with them and explaining this work be seen as a similar experience?
This is kind of true also for working environments, right? Can one heal in toxic working environments?
Thank you for the fantastic video!
Hi DieSchrat. Seth here from Team Lyon. If one has a safe home environment to retreat to, toxic work environments can be sustained for a while, especially if one learns some good somatic tools to keep them more regulated while there, but in the long run you are right, they are not sustainable if we want to get to full health and vitality. Right Livelihood is important!
Do you have any evidence of Telepathy being real? Most of the things you say tend to be quite scientific, but that belief is a bit out there.
Obviously people can sometimes pick up on when someone isn't feeling good or trying to hide something or whatever. But I think that's more to do with reading subtle signals from their body language, facial expression, tone of voice etc.
And as for people calling you when you think about them I think that's just coincidence. There's countless instances where you think of someone and they don't call you, so generally it's just confirmation bias of only remembering the times when someone did call.
ua-cam.com/video/hBl0cwyn5GY/v-deo.html
Sorry I can't name any specific ones, but there are studies about information being transfered and received in ways that don"t seem possible. Children are capable of it A LOT. I am curious now and will look for some of those studies. Life is more fun when ee are able to notice and take serious more than the obvious....
Hi Bonkoodle, Seth here from Team Lyon. at this point I'm not sure we have the scientific instruments capable of providing the kind of proof you are talking about, so all the evidence will be anecdotal at this point. However, the discoveries being made in the realm of quantum physics are getting closer and closer to this kind of proof. They are finding it more and more likely that the Universe itself is conscious - that everything is an expression of consciousness, which would certainly explain how information can travel between one mind and the other, because there actually is no ''between", if everything is Mind. The work and books of Lynn McTaggart might be an interseting resource for you to look into.
Not sure I agree with this. What if there was sexual abuse and you have to completely cut people off? They ask and wonder why, I feel like it’s ok to give an explanation. I had to completely cut people off with no contact because it was so toxic and there really was no other option
@J C I hear you. Unless one can relate on this subject, they can't possibly know what is best. Without me giving an explanation would have created even more stress for myself in this situation. Please be gentle with yourself. I am glad you are doing what is best for you.
@@juliehitchcock1253 I agree with you Julie. In my case it was sexual abuse and it was causing me more harm to try and 'keep it all in'. Releasing that shame was difficult but a huge part of my healing.