Nah. They recompose -- more of their BS. Narcissists have a magic crayon, a magic eraser and time travel in a magic calendar to create a new and different story as needed. There are only two strategies in dealing with a narcissist: 1) Run 2) Away.
My dad(narcissist) blames me for what he is guilty of. He hates it when I am more mature than he has ever been, is, or will be. "Emotional Nuclear Meltdown"!
I learned that the cycle of abuse in my narcissistic family was never gonna end. I had to go no contact to save my mental health. These people will never mature.
True, i am on same page now, about to leave and live on my own. And at the same time they can bitch about others and moralize everyone around but themelfs ...
Ditto. I'm in the same position with my mentally ill "family!" More like the Manson Family! They are soooo sick and twisted that I cannot believe I'm related to them. My father has been calling me a "b****" and "a worthless piece of s***" FOR YEARS NOW. Or I'm called "That one." Today is my birthday and my dad could barely get Happy Birthday out of his fat mouth. I said "don't bother." So....I'm trying to move to another state with a friend. And I know when I leave....they're not going to have an emotional punching bag. Well....except each other! Lol 😆 They can kill each other for all I care.
I was born into a narcissistic family on my father´s side. Although I am at an advanced age and live on another continent, same stupid games as always, when I visited. But I understand now that I am not the "undeserving" person they like to make me out to be, because nobody else seems to see it that way.
About 25 years ago, I had a friend whose family had litterally driven her insane. They'd broken up her engagement, and she wound up seeing a psychiatrist and was on mood-altering medication for about 10 years. 2 weeks after I met her, she told me she had decided to CUT OFF all contact with her family. I was stunned. Apparently, just having me as a friend gave her the guts to do this. The next year and a half was "interesting", challenging, and sometimes encouraging. Slowly, PAINFULLY, I saw her pull herself together, one tiny bit at a time. It made me feel good whenever I could see she was getting better. But then, DISASTER struck. She made the terrible mistake of getting back in touch with her parents. For the first 3 months, it seems they were on their "best behavior". But then... IT STARTED all over again. Every time I'd see her, I never knew if she was going to be okay, or HORRIBLY depressed. And it kept getting worse. The last 3 times we got together to do anything, I wound up depressed on my way home. That's NOT what you hang out with friends for. Then one day she called me up, and spent 45 minutes bad-mouthing all men in general... and I was now on the list. At the end of this long tirade, she said, as though nothing was wrong, "Well, I guess I'll talk to you next week." I didn't bother calling. I heard from her 6 months later... as if nothing was wrong. But we never did get together again. She'd call from time to time, but a year-and-half later, I finally asked, "Why are you calling me?" I never heard from her again. I can't really be angry at her. I feel so terribly sad and sorry for her. Her parents must be MONSTERS. I'm so glad I NEVER met them.
@@Librarian322 He sleeps while I go over his rages, lies, gaslighting and oh did I mention always blaming me. Nothing makes any sense… Thank you Dr. Carter for clarifying that there is no hope after 47 years.
Blaming another and lying to avoid punishment may be childish, but vindictiveness and vengeful attempts at destroying another's reputation and relationships is not childish. As we learn about narcissism, we need to guard against assigning adult motives to a child's behaviour. A child makes innocent and ignorant mistakes and needs to be taught better ways, but a narcissist betrays others in intentional cruelty.
Immature doesn't mean childish. It means that they are in a position of responsibility that they haven't developed the tools to manage. A child will make mistakes and can be corrected but a narcissist will intentionally hide their mistakes by blaming, attacking, lying, and gaslighting in order to protect their fragile egos. That is the difference.
My precious late dad, Jesse Jayne , always said “ you can tell the size of a man by the size of the things that upset him”. So true!! ( that goes for women too of course) and I tell my children, be mindful of what you put your energy and effort toward… your time and your heart is so valuable. If someone is depleting you… get the hell away from them!
My wife and attempted to calmly confront the narc in our lives and the implosion was remarkable. He accused us of being “terrible people” and that he wanted nothing to do with us. Full victim mode. If it hadn’t been so serious, it almost seemed comical. Poof. In an instance, we lost a “friend” of 15 years. Good riddance.
@@caroleminke6116how are you enjoying the inflation and wars? Are you excited for world war 3 that the babbling career warmongering "president" is about to start? 🤔 Wait a minute... Wasn't the last president supposed to start world war 3? I do remember... The brainwashed MSM saying so to convince all of the sheep. Time to wake up, they lied to you, about everything
@@matthewmcmacken6716 not wanting to "take sides" and we should avoid anything political in tone here, but aren't you making a snap judgment about someone's motives? If someone expresses a negative opinion of a person, whoever that person is, that doesn't imply derangement, which means 'wildly out of control'.
There was one at one of my old jobs that ordered packages of colored paper clips but ordered her secretary to pick out all the green ones because she hated green. Ugh. No green pens, highlighters, folders, post-its, or paper clips!
Once I finally woke up and accepted this reality, it became much easier to walk away and go very low contact. They have no desire to realize their shortcomings and life is one big competition. I will not stoop to their level ever again. You are the best, Dr. C!
🎯 Competition is exactly right!! My BIL and his wife thought his brother would have to take a job position they set up years ago. They couldn't handle that they couldn't run our lives. The compete constantly with their other siblings and to the extreme of not talking to them after a parents death. When I told my BIL I wouldn't argue with him it was like I was speaking Greek! He was floored. He didn't know what to say so he walked out.
@@t_nels I completely understand! As maddening as it is, I find it quite entertaining at times. They definitely speak their own language and refuse to try and understand anything. I finally had to tell my husband that I would not spend one on one time with his family. I refuse to spend time with people that are bent on misunderstanding me.
@@t_nels same her gaslighting narc sil always competing , petty made up drama, projecting, always have to be on top and entitled superiority in dealing with them in the family and worse in church with their evil games
When I was 17 I bought the family Christmas tree. A real one. New ornaments, lights. My boyfriend and I put it up, but we had a hard time getting it to stay up in the stand. The following day I told my dad about the tree being tough to get it to stand up. He insisted I pull it away from the wall. I told him kindly no, I'm afraid it will fall. I then left to go to work. When I got home later that night (he had gone to work himself and was gone when I got home) the Christmas tree was in the backyard, still with light's and ornaments, most of them scattered everywhere. Thats when I knew something was very wrong with him. I just didn't know what. I'm 65 now and that memory has never left me.
I've had more than one of them try to tell me how I'm allowed to respond to them, that I'm not allowed to raise my voice or get angry. After they attacked me or deliberately stepped right over one of my boundaries (that they were well familiar with). I laugh in their faces and say too bad, you brought it on, now deal with the consequences, you don't get to behave however you want toward me and then give me rules for how I'm allowed to respond. Delusional and controlling.
What saved my life was going no contact with family members for the last 22 years... It's amazing how even today, those devils are bitter because they didn't get to destroy me...
You lucky it's 22 years in am busy detaching from my brother and partner in business after 44 years working together........he is vile horrible and just sooooo destructive.......... Once I started listening and understanding........all makes more sense with the behaviour. Tha k goodness I have not become bitter and angry.....now laugh at the situation
I've confronted some narcissistic people at work: they lie, deny, shift the blame, rage, do petty passive-aggressive stuff to get you back, and/or walk off throwing a tantrum......oh, and talk in circles/use "word salad" so you are just as upset, confused, frustrated, etc. or even more so than before you confronted them.
Omg... The way my ex devolved into barbaric, childish abuse and tantrum throwing blew my mind. He was so incredibly unstable. It was like watching a toddler who could cause serious physical and emotional damage have a total meltdown. Very, VERY unbalanced and wild-swinging, that guy.
Yeah, wish I’d known this a couple of forevers ago. Instead of following through on confrontations, I simply folded, placated, swept it all under the rug. That seemed like a better solution than enduring the repercussions: silent treatment and invalidation. But burying hurts doesn’t work, does it? Neither does ignoring your own needs. So at one point, I just left.
I found out it doesn't work also. The only thing that works is saying goodbye. The don't care about you and they will seek to harm you. Face the truth.
@@amandac7056 I stayed 30 years! Each year got worse as he aged and drank more. I silently made a plan to escape. Sad that conversations with him could not resolve the conflicts. He blamed me and could not self reflect. I tried so hard to discuss how our lives could be better together. Becoming more informed about narcissistic behavior helped me come to the conclusion that I had to remove myself from the situation. I grieve the relationship but I am living a healthier happier life.
@@amandac7056 22 years. A 2 year courtship prior. I would've taken a bullet for that woman. Six years into the marriage, she decided to come to faith. I supported her in that, in many ways, for 15 years. There were numerous and ongoing manipulations to get me to join in a religion that was not the one of my family of origin. Ultimately, she came under the sway of a cultish group, and informed me (in so many words) that my post-life fate would be rather unpleasant. That really was the tipping point. Subsequently, I have been alienated from my (adopted) stepdaughter for the past 4.5 years. But that's the way these people are, isn't it? A fair part of the time I think to myself, 'If only I had listened to a handful of Dr. C videos, maybe i/we could've. . . .' But after listening to videos for the past 2.5 years now, I realize that likely isn't the case.
Dr. Carter, I watch you often. I listen to every word. Just know, you out did yourself with"How Narcissists Decompose When You Confront." The words on the bottom of the screen are priceless especially when it comes to how WE/I choose to respond. This is decades and decades of knowledge that you're imparting into 14 minutes. This was done so well. You're awesome. So awesome.
My relationship with my sister was always bad but when I finally told her I wasn't coming to her holiday party anymore because she always made it as inconvenient for me as possible she freaked out. Then I told her I needed some space from the relationship. She devolved into an out of control toddler. It was unbelievable how much of an over reaction. Having no contact with her for 3 years has been wonderful. I only wish I did it sooner.
I confronted my father when I was 40 years old after he kept showing up to my apartment for years trying to hoover me back into his ex-wife's life for another round of abuse. Out of everything I said to him the one thing he didn't like the most was when I told him to stop trying to control my life.
Narcissists hate ambivalence because they want you invested in their self perceived importance. Walking away is the best last word and will protect your mental and emotional health too. If they were worthy of your time, they’d realise that and we all know that they will not, so walk on by.
Narcissists are out for themselves only. Seriously. The rest of us are seen as a means to an end, the end being an enormous ego and a persona of perfection. They are so incredibly fragile. A confrontation means a narcissistic injury and they can’t tolerate it. So they revert to shockingly childish behaviour like blaming, name calling, screaming, yelling, pointing the finger back at you (I know what you are but what am I?!), dodging accountability. So sad.
called out my neighbour for being a "know it all". He immediately started projecting that I was childish etc. Within 2 hours he physically assaulted me! Now I have the power. Reported him to police. I have told him so. I have gone no contact. He cant even look me in the eye when our paths cross. Thanks for your videos.
This video touches on one of the biggest challenges i face daily with the narc in my life. The dynamic is so toxic, I'm left bursting at the seams with frustration and resentment that corrodes my character and leaves me completely disgusted with this person. He used to be collaborative, receptive, and brought an attitude of reciprocal regard to conversations where there was conflict to be resolved. He was sensitive to my feelings and appreciated constructive criticism; these mature and admirable qualities contributed greatly to my affinity for him. Conversely, when he had a complaint to voice, or a helpful observation to share, he did it respectfully and with kindness, which i appreciated. Fast forward 8 years, and the nightmarish deterioration of our relationship has become a burning dumpster fire devoid of any trace of healthy conflict resolution. The gaslighting, justifying, shame dodging, blame shifting, victim playing, and poo flinging he brings to any conversation that requires maturity, self examination or diplomacy is done with a COMPLETE absence of empathy or objectivity. Listening to him talk and try to justify the inexcusable or invalidate every thought i have makes me sick. I have zero respect for the way he thinks, responds, and behaves. Where did my friend go? How can someone change so drastically? Was he totally faking it for those first couple years? I hate him. And i am beyond disappointed in myself for allowing this dynamic to continue. Thank you for examining a topic that i am struggling with so desperately. I find your videos tremendously beneficial to returning to a place of Dignity, Respect, and Civility!
Nothing so enrages my father as being confronted with undeniable proof of his actions. He insulates himself from the harm he causes with denial and when put in a situation where he can't protect his ego with lies, he punishes the truth teller. The last time we ever communicated, he told me that he was blocking me and suggested that I change my change name. Since then he has messaged my mother and told her that I've made him miserable for the last 50 years and yet I'm only 49 years old, which is very telling on a number of levels. They are selfish, dishonest, and without conscience much like a toddler who hasn't yet developed self awareness or empathy.
i tried to confront a narc it didnt go so well the narc went in a rage and blamed me i learned the best thing is give no closure and walk away you cant deal with one
Excited for this one. I find it scary to witness time and time again. It's like breaking a smoky window and seeing all hell wide open when looking through it, but not shiny bright and fiery..more rotten, dark and broken. A whole lot of deep, dark nothing and at the very bottom a little figure in form of a toddler that wants to be comforted.
One biblical description of hell is "the outer darkness", which describes what you posted: it is a place of darkness that is 'outer' cuz it is separated from all that is good.
Yep, I was to blame for saying I was leaving over the fact I saw a letter to his wife who had left him, speaking of his heartbreak and a phone call to her saying he 'loved her very much'! Then he tried every trick to try and keep me longer! Probably if I'd stayed narc would have booted me out next day!?! Jokes on him! Never again! What a difference 6 mths after love bomb phase! His loss! Saw narc 2 roads away from my home yesterday, looked careworn, miserable, hair unkempt, straggly beard! I walked silently past head held high! Strange that I was just starting to feel so much better just before seeing him! Anyway onwards and upwards!♥️♥️♥️♥️🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Exactly. A confronted narcissist may brutally attack you emotionally or may fly into a rage. The lesson I learned is that it is better to move far away from the narcissist, geographically.
After my mother's narcissistic decomposing, not long after I said only three words namely 'you are acting', I thought others would see there was a problem, but to my surprise, I was once again the problem and had to be punished. I don't mind, it just took a while to become aware of it.
Decompose is a good word for it. Slow rotting breakdown one small bit at a time. You don't really notice it day to day but when away from the narc for weeks or more at a time it's really obvious how bad they are starting to struggle with even what used to be basic functions of life they once excelled at.
You sir are the most enlightened one on the topic off narcissistic people. You don’t encourage us too get in tangled in their web but educate us too learn and peacefully remove ourselves from their insanity with ours intact ❤🇮🇪
I suppose narcissistic decomposition is what you've referred to many times when instructing that we observe people's demeanor in conflicts. It's a great term, revelatory. Many times, it's exactly how I've found out I was dealing with someone really unhealthy. Afterwards I've thought to myself that just wanting to bring clarity to a situation wouldn't be a big issue if our roles were reversed. Not so with a narcissist. Their whole premise for interacting with people is fundamentally different. For them it's narrow over expansive communication; while you might reflect a great deal upon how to express yourself clearly they're in fact reflecting a great deal on how to say as little as possible. I think you can even spot them in how they talk or write - lazy, aloof, self-permissive, riddled with intentional glitches and obfuscations.
Ime narcissists, like people with BPD and HPD, tend to overload the conversation with superfluous information so as to make sure that they’re receiving as much attention from others. It’s people with ASPD who tend to minimize their presence.
As a grandmother i stepped in to defend my grandaughter as she was being treated unjustly by her father shes in her 30s he threw a hot cup of tea at her because she said something he didnt like about his latest supply so iv had the wrath of his anger the silent treatment his favourite thing to do we have now had to walk away there's just no other way to handle it weve had enough 😢
I gave up on trying to get through to my husband emotionally a long time ago because it was too painful. His response to me wanting to talk through anything at a heart level was to walk away mad, and give me the silent treatment, which only added to my angst in trying to resolve the emotional angst I was already dealing with (I always went away feeling way worse for trying), and he wouldn't relent until I apologized, even for the things he did wrong... so the entire weight of the relationship was on me, and still is... I've just become a bit better at protecting my heart over time. The few times he did verbalize anything, either before, during or after my attempts to resolve something, he said terrible things that certainly did not line up with the fake persona he's been hiding behind... things he never apologized for, either, and never showed any remorse for... simply reverting back to "life as usual" after I apologized for everything. His excuse for not talking (about anything on an emotional or personal level) is that he didn't want to say something he'll regret... and I get that in a healthy relationship, this type of break can be a good thing... but that later, after you've calmed down, you both take time to reconcile and set things right and you both verbalize a determination to do whatever it takes to make things right... this has never happened even once in my current relationship. I'm thinking that when he says he doesn't want to say anything he'll regret later, it's not because he cares about hurting me with his poor choice of words (like you'd have in a healthy relationship) it's because he regrets showing his true nature by verbalizing those hateful words that he harbors in his heart... and hiding behind his fake persona is paramount to him... fearing exposure is his greatest fear. I'm thinking of the scenario of getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar - one person feels bad because he/she got caught and feels bad about going behind his/her mom's back and will do whatever he or she needs to do to make up for it and never do it again. The other just feels bad about being caught (for a minute), then immediately shifts gears in thinking about the way they will approach this in the future, so that the next time they do it, they won't get caught. One has no intention of changing their bad behavior, the other insists on it and will do anything they can to make sure they get away with it next time, and the time after that, etc.
The short answer is I'm working on it. Working on getting my life back together, step by step by step... it's a long, arduous, painful process, but one that nonetheless needs to happen if I'm ever to find my way out of this mess... a way out that's made much harder and longer because of a relationship that's left me jobless, friendless, without a support system... all things that need to be rebuilt brick by brick as I continue on my journey of healing and as I find my way back to being the person God created me to be. @@famouskate9071
Wow! I feel like I'm going through very similar situation in my marriage. Stay strong in your own beautiful being and dont let him drag you into his drama. Sending love & light.
I think they do have feelings. They have such strong feelings of shame that they’re hiding like an alternate ego that anything that triggers them makes them feel not good enough. Then they explode. They also might feel the need to knock down to keep them higher up in their competition it’s probably all subconsciously being done of course but. The worse they are the more competitive they are so that they feel worthy and good enough , unless you are someone that makes them feel even more perfect then you’re part of their team you are literally part of their identity .. which is why that makes it so fragile. You can’t go hurting their ego bc they depended on you to look good. It’s like mean girls type of thing if you made them look cool by worshiping them etc then you talked about them badly even if it’s justified they will revenge to no end you triggered them bc they let you get somewhat close in an unspoken mutual ego boosting “friendship” and then you stabbed them in the back by noticing they weren’t all that real of a friend lol ugh these people need so much inner spiritual work done sad
I confronted the narcissist. At the time i didn’t know I was dealing with a narcissist I thought I was dealing with a bullying type of person. It started off calm with indirect/subliminal commentary and boy did it escalate. I triggered some major narc injury (unknowingly) by saying some very direct and honest things and boy are they relentless. It never ends. It’s a literal “for life” kind of mentality. She still gives me dirty looks and tries to smear campaign and do the whole thing over the argument that happened 2 years ago lol. Everything Dr. says is spot on. Blame shifting, immaturity, lack of composure, looking for your weakness/insecurities, not acknowledging anything they do. it’s literally like arguing with a child except I would chose a child over and over bc at least it’s developmentally appropriate. My best advice is to say ok, roll your eyes and walk away lol but the eye roll might give them some supply so watch out lol 🤪
Dr. Carter thank you for explaining why a narcissist cannot be trusted while we are being reasonable when allowing for imperfection in ourselves and them. Now I understand that trying to maintain a healthy enough relationship with a narcissist is an almost impossible goal in life
20 years in a relationship before I learned about NPD and BPD. I feel trapped in this marriage and am confronted on a daily basis with my shortcomings. I want to get away but there is too much entangling us. But each day I get closer to making that sacrifice in order to save myself.
I'm 35 years into a marriage with a narcissist. The final straw was when the sexual/emotional/mental/financial abuse turned into physical violence recently. It doesn't get better. They won't change. I understand about being entangled with someone. 35 years! You have to decide what is more important to you. For me it is my physical safety and my sanity. Good luck to you!
Dr Les I saw exactly this when i confronted my then wife. She was a child internally and then admitted she didnt know how to behave. But she had plenty of empathy for herself if thats not a contradiction. She didint want a partnership she wanted control. I got out, with dignity, but it was very upsetting.
Dr Carter, thank you so very much! Your videos have given me a proper perspective on things such as this, where I was always made to believe I was at fault. Now I see these realities as they are and no longer completely manipulated by them. It is still a learning process but getting better every day. You have blessed me in a huge way. Again, thank you so very much! You are doing the Lord’s work and saving people daily from lives of bondage🙏
Dr. C. If I live to be a 100 yrs. Old, the Narcissist will never amaze me again. They all follow the same playbook. They are"All" users, and after years of exposure I have learned when it's time to cut and run. 9 yrs of putting up with a difficult self centered daughter in law is enough. Her fragile ego and grandiose outward attitude has alerted me to the A Typical signs of a Narc. In spite of the fact I do enjoy spending time with my Grands , I refuse to be used and invalidated any longer. Time for Emotional Detachment to be implemented . Thank you for your wisdom once again!!❤
What is also confounding is the fact that THEY FORGET exactly how horrible these infractions are and expect everything to go back to normal once they no longer want to continue the narrative. I don't think "feelings" have anything to do with it. Their aggression serves a purpose (for them) and when they've moved on they expect everything to be as it was before their explosion. It really does underscore the fact that they have no feelings (which is why they have no empathy) and emotional response is really irrelevant to them.
Facts. Their emotionalism is a tactic to control you, to gain sympathy to then gain the upper hand in the narrative. It's a tool. My brother has said asks done things that I can't even begin to get into, and he comes around acting like we're "good" like nothing happened. I have more than one in my life unfortunately, but he's the worst of them.
Listen man. You come to Earth once. After a certain point you gotta decide if you’re gonna let them mow over your life. Because the narcissist is demon possessed and the end goal is death. They summon demons to make you feel this way so summon the Holy Spirit and let God best them on your behalf. If they drop you, they are doing you a favor. You got this
The last time I confronted my narc about our kids - I behaved very poorly. I’ve gone no contact because I need to stop this trauma bond. I’ve gone right back to where we were years ago, before we divorced, and I don’t like how quickly I lost all the work I’ve done on myself since the divorce.
My narc hoovered and asked me to reel off his shortcomings so that he could learn (he was secretly seeing if I was worth continuing to manipulate or whether I had too strong of a mind) I didn't realise he was a narc at the time, I was discarded 2 weeks later and the reason was for being who and how I am, of course Accepting that in order to engage with them in any relationship means they will not allow you to have your own perception or narrative or any kind, unless they consider it unimportant, which is why sometimes they allow it, is where I am at No thank you! You are my favourite on the subject Dr C and I thank you for your work. You are a true credit and treasure to survivors.
My ex narc did this I think. During my liberation and multi state move these past few weeks I've discovered my older sister has some narcissistic tendencies. She actually bullied me a few days ago. I don't want to break contact with her, but her mean words were hurtful. It seems like you're always having to suck it up with narcissists.
I'm sorry to hear that. I've learned that there is narcissism everywhere. The ones that we can't fo not contact with, we limit contact. Thankfully, we learn coping strategies here on how to manage situations. Look after yourself 🙏💕
Learn how to set boundaries. Like Dr.C said do not play the game...educate yourself to listen to cues in their tone, words, and sarcasm...then politely walk away. Say nothing...just end the conversation and walk away. Remember, the walking away is not for them but for you and your peace and sanity.
There is no communicating with a narcissist. They immediately shut down, rage, make you out to be the insecure one. I wish that I never confronted them. As long as I keep quiet and never expose them about anything, we will get along just fine. It is so sad! I learned the hard way.
I call myself 'the foolish one,' though I don't beat myself up. I had a long friendship with a covert narc. I finally set boundaries and then, I started to really make a "push," no doubt seen as a confrontation with me, or, from me. Sure enough, the decomposition hit. Not in seconds or minutes, rather, it took a month or two earlier this year. Exactly as Dr. Carter describes here. The end of March, I finally went 'no contact.' Don't miss him at all. Saw him at a social gathering a couple of times. Is he ever ANGRY! And, I say, GOOD! He can get as angry as he wants!
It's particularly interesting when you watch them decompose in a court setting in front of a judge, and then wonder why they lost (and blame their lawyer).
It's strange how unpredictable these individuals can be on when they have a meltdown. Just when you think they may lose it and you've been walking on egg shells, simply they don't. I am learning that it can be over a minute matter which leaves you thinking, where did that come from 😳
Exactly. 🎯❤️ Just when things are going well, they create a surprise fake argument. Now, looking in their eyes is creepy…soul rattling. It took decades to “get it”. We are supposed to have loving mothers (for example), but in the wild some mothers eat their young. 🙉
@tbunnyshy1 That's so scary. My stepfather married my mum when I was young. My brother joined the armed forces when I was 9. I outstayed my welcome. He pretended he liked us and couldn't wait to get shut of us!!! Take care 🙏💕
I'd be curious to know how a counselor such as yourself deals practically (actual verbal responses) with an individual you're counseling when they decompose in your midst. That might help folks. Thank you for your videos.❤
Im watching this after a confrontation with a person i think is a narcissist. The particular situation involved a person who always forgets things. Daily...i constantly have to brinf things to them at work that they forgot. They constantly forget important things and they lock their keys in the car atleast twice a month. I sat down and tried to give them a system on how to remember things and they blew up on me. also, one day I forgot this persons candy bar, and in return they told me i was unreliable and forgetful. I was expecting some empathy, since they forget things all the time. They made a big deal about my one blunder and blew up when i pointed out the habitual habit they have of forgetting things. They changed the subject and started bashing me on things not related to the conversation. I simply provided them with steps they could take to stop forgetting things and a way to make sure they have their keys before they lock the door. They blew up! This video is spot on
Someone I know to a T! I suggested apps, using her cell phone alarm and calendar as a reminder, and tried giving her tips on how to develop new habits to COMMIT to remembering. Instead, she claims she "tried them all," but "nothing works," and that she has problems remembering and she doesn't know why (insert 😢) that she "told us this a while ago" and "we did nothing." Mind you, she's 20 y.o., with her father's insurance card, and can make all the necessary therapy/psyche appointments she needs to. YET continues to play the "mini-violin" of her "victim soundtrack" with no accountability, no ownership, just blame-shifting and character assassination.
Excellent. This video met me exactly where I am now. I'm in the beginning stages of divorcing him. I've made my will, heath directives, etc. And found a safe, decent place to rent, and I'm moving in a week from now. I tried living in the same house, but upstairs. But things blew up anyway, and he ordered me to leave with nothing because it's all HIS. So now, at 74, with only my social security, I start a new life for myself. I cannot tell you, Dr Carter, how much your videos have helped me to get to this juncture without being hurtful to myself or others. I discovered you 2 years ago. I tried my best to live with him. Now it's time to give my best to me and others who are appreciative. Thank you. ❤
My sister is 8 yrs older & a total narcissist. She acts superior, & only what "she" says, goes. She is controlling & manipulative & so is her husband. Sadly their 3 grown kids shadow them. We cannot deal w/them, so as far as me & my Family are concerned, they don't exist & we are much healthier for it.
My narc said to me your job is less important then mine so when I have time you have to drop everything and go where I say we’ll go. And because of my past anger due to my cancer last year he said he’ll never forgive me for that to rest of my days and that he left me alone for 3 months after my surgery said then I deserved even worse because of my behavior towards him. Implying he should have left me altogether
Holy moly DrC. For as many times as I have been accused of making "everything a competition" when all I've been doing is stating clearly all of the things I handle and that a partnership requires input on both sides. It's just a projection of his viewing it as me calling him a looser isn't it?? It's all just a projection of his internal turmoil? I can't tell you how many times I have said no, neither of us can win when we both don't participate It's supposed to be a team!! We are both supposed to work together toward the wins.
As always, thank you Dr. C. Great video. Having the sad opportunity to withness this decomposition you speak of, I know I have the happy choice of who to engage and spend my time and energy with! I choose peace.
That’s the greatest part of living your own life. You choose. You are free to say yes or no. You are free to remain silent. You are free to befriend whomever you want. You are free to walk away from friendships. You are free to put yourself first. You are free to consider another’s feelings first. Heck, you’re even free to be a jerk, according to Dr. C. Use your freedom wisely. I believe you will. And even if you don’t, you have the freedom to learn from it and change for the better.
@aaronkwolfe Thanks for your uplifting encouragement to just be. I am so grateful for the scourge of my unknowing psychological abuse from the ways of the covert narcissist and blessed to now know the whole of this bizarre spectrum. Thanks, Aaron and Dr. C. and Team Healthy.
I lost my keys. Have had more help and kindness from strangers helping me find them. My narc spouse said”it shouldn’t have happened.” I didn’t respond to that.
The Narcissist husband went into decomp, when I confronted his about the affair he was having with the Boss's wife. I had a witness to his infidelity. He asked the dumbest question...who was it as if he could change the facts. His melt down was quite a sight!! He didn't even bother to try to explain...like I said he became one Big Pile of decomp
Have watched a ton of your videos but never commented before. Thank you so much for ALL of your work. It has helped me survive at my job for the last year. However I quit suddenly on Sunday after the manager did exactly what you outlined in this video. Wow. You were/are so spot on and I am incredibly appreciative!!!
First, glad you ventured forth with your comments. I hope you land on your feet, and more importantly that you resolve to lean into who you are fully meant to be!!
This is great therapy. It has clarified so many years of craziness and has given me the tools to understand the narcissist and flying monkey's actions. That, in turn, has enabled me to move forward in my search for answers. The answers have been flowing like water now. I am still dealing with very ugly people who will do anything to steal, hurt others and cover up...without one thought about their actions. God provides, though. Always. Peace, comfort, joy... and people like you who are willing to share with those who need your insights. Thank you!
Thanks for a great session. I haven’t seen my narc in weeks.it’s absolute bliss.he’s hiding and I am very absorbed in living my life.I keep thinking of his partner . She must be so,embarrassed? She accused me of shouting at the narc, and stopped talking to me. But since then he has shouted at everyone and even lost jobs because of how he is. Surely at some level she must know she was wrong to accuse me?but who knows? You can’t negotiate with insanity.thanks again Judy from uk
I decided to take charge of my agency, got on a plane to go to a concert with a friend who was the complete opposite to the narc. I had a great time (for a change). Went out for burgers and pizza, (instead of fancy upscale resturant), watched a rom com, and had a blast, with someone with an actual PULSE. The contrast was unmistakeable and STARK.
There was a party game where each person gets a series of written questions. One question was "Describe your spouse in one word." I described my spouse as sensitive. My spouse described me as ruthless. ... Thanks for the videos, after years I still want validation that I wasn't mistaken, that my spouse (now ex) really was that bad, that impossible.
It's incredibile how this is so precisely describing those sick dynamics. I am still in denial this is possibile, though I have experienced it, and fought for asserting myself, over the last 2 years. It feels like a nightmare that dynamics like this exist
My sister's favorite phrase is "The right way to do X" At a major company word got back to my mom "You daughter is an itch" Left the workforce at a young age. Her "explanations" vary over time "Women don't get opportunities" "My carpal tunnel in my hands...." At family events, she still points out the University she graduated from and degree (every stops doing this in their 20s) She has been working from home in her basement selling Crafts at street fairs despite her advanced degrees Net/Net: She brought her failure upon herself and blames everybody else I stay away from her
Lately I start decomposing right alongside. I got called names told I was something to be gotten rid of, it was when he looked at me and said Your just hideous that I lost it. Just another pig in the mud.
I’m dealing with a situation with my mom. She’s the executor of my dad’s estate. She listed my dad’s house since he’s deceased. The house price was dropped prior to mine and my siblings knowledge. I simply told my mom that I think we should all be in agreement with the price of my dad’s house since we are the beneficiaries to his estate. One of my brothers contacted the realtor to ask about some repairs that we could do to the house. My mom has made my brother and I out to be bullies toward her simply because we asked a few questions about my dad’s house. She thought we were “ganging up” on her and trying to take her role as executor from her. We haven’t spoken in about a week. I continue to text her and just say good morning ; things like that. She tends to give the silent treatment when she’s confronted with someone else’s opinion about things. I just want to ask about a decent way to deal with this kind of situation because I just don’t know. Thanks
"All cruelty springs from weakness."
-Seneca
Great quote.
Yes!
Seneca was a wise man. So true.
That's debatable.
Yes, and all prejudice springs from ignorance.
Nah. They recompose -- more of their BS. Narcissists have a magic crayon, a magic eraser and time travel in a magic calendar to create a new and different story as needed. There are only two strategies in dealing with a narcissist: 1) Run 2) Away.
3) quickly❣️
@@SaddleRockManitouI would love an invisibility cloak 😂
Can't be reasonable with people who aren't rational! Tried too many times. They want what they want and "to hell" with everything else 😊.
Decompose and recompose are both Narc mental/emotional maneuvering/toxic processing.
TRUTH!
They can totally pretend to have a rational conversation when they want something from you. It's amazing how fake they can be.
The False Self in action.
My dad(narcissist) blames me for what he is guilty of. He hates it when I am more mature than he has ever been, is, or will be. "Emotional Nuclear Meltdown"!
Correct ❤
Yes, yes, yes!!
FAKE
I learned that the cycle of abuse in my narcissistic family was never gonna end. I had to go no contact to save my mental health. These people will never mature.
True, i am on same page now, about to leave and live on my own. And at the same time they can bitch about others and moralize everyone around but themelfs ...
Ditto. I'm in the same position with my mentally ill "family!" More like the Manson Family! They are soooo sick and twisted that I cannot believe I'm related to them. My father has been calling me a "b****" and "a worthless piece of s***" FOR YEARS NOW. Or I'm called "That one." Today is my birthday and my dad could barely get Happy Birthday out of his fat mouth. I said "don't bother." So....I'm trying to move to another state with a friend. And I know when I leave....they're not going to have an emotional punching bag. Well....except each other! Lol 😆 They can kill each other for all I care.
I was born into a narcissistic family on my father´s side. Although I am at an advanced age and live on another continent, same stupid games as always, when I visited. But I understand now that I am not the "undeserving" person they like to make me out to be, because nobody else seems to see it that way.
About 25 years ago, I had a friend whose family had litterally driven her insane. They'd broken up her engagement, and she wound up seeing a psychiatrist and was on mood-altering medication for about 10 years. 2 weeks after I met her, she told me she had decided to CUT OFF all contact with her family. I was stunned. Apparently, just having me as a friend gave her the guts to do this.
The next year and a half was "interesting", challenging, and sometimes encouraging. Slowly, PAINFULLY, I saw her pull herself together, one tiny bit at a time. It made me feel good whenever I could see she was getting better.
But then, DISASTER struck. She made the terrible mistake of getting back in touch with her parents. For the first 3 months, it seems they were on their "best behavior". But then... IT STARTED all over again. Every time I'd see her, I never knew if she was going to be okay, or HORRIBLY depressed. And it kept getting worse. The last 3 times we got together to do anything, I wound up depressed on my way home. That's NOT what you hang out with friends for.
Then one day she called me up, and spent 45 minutes bad-mouthing all men in general... and I was now on the list. At the end of this long tirade, she said, as though nothing was wrong, "Well, I guess I'll talk to you next week." I didn't bother calling. I heard from her 6 months later... as if nothing was wrong. But we never did get together again. She'd call from time to time, but a year-and-half later, I finally asked, "Why are you calling me?" I never heard from her again.
I can't really be angry at her. I feel so terribly sad and sorry for her. Her parents must be MONSTERS. I'm so glad I NEVER met them.
@@AprilMears-j7q happy birthday 💕
May we all reach a point in our lives that we can sleep as soundly as that precious dog. ❤ Thank you, Dr. C.
I started sleeping & dreaming again within 2 days of being booted out my my (NOW-EX!) home care clients.
I just want to sleep again!
Sweet Gus sleeps the sleep of one with a clear conscience.
I sleep very well…now. All glory to God’s grace and mercy 🙏🏾
@@Librarian322 He sleeps while I go over his rages, lies, gaslighting and oh did I mention always blaming me. Nothing makes any sense… Thank you Dr. Carter for clarifying that there is no hope after 47 years.
Blaming another and lying to avoid punishment may be childish, but vindictiveness and vengeful attempts at destroying another's reputation and relationships is not childish.
As we learn about narcissism, we need to guard against assigning adult motives to a child's behaviour.
A child makes innocent and ignorant mistakes and needs to be taught better ways, but a narcissist betrays others in intentional cruelty.
Very good point!
Immature doesn't mean childish. It means that they are in a position of responsibility that they haven't developed the tools to manage. A child will make mistakes and can be corrected but a narcissist will intentionally hide their mistakes by blaming, attacking, lying, and gaslighting in order to protect their fragile egos. That is the difference.
@@leanne123 That's another good point!
Wowzers 💯
That's malignant narcissism. A mere narcissist lacks the vindictiveness
My precious late dad, Jesse Jayne , always said “ you can tell the size of a man by the size of the things that upset him”. So true!! ( that goes for women too of course) and I tell my children, be mindful of what you put your energy and effort toward… your time and your heart is so valuable. If someone is depleting you… get the hell away from them!
Thats a good one 🎯
Amen to that!
Jesse J. , a wise statement and so very true.
Then my husband must be a quarter inch tall. Every little thing on the most microscopic level bothers him.
Weird how "confronting" can be done by merely existing and not fighting.
Spot on. Just expressing yourself is an attack to them.
My wife and attempted to calmly confront the narc in our lives and the implosion was remarkable. He accused us of being “terrible people” and that he wanted nothing to do with us. Full victim mode. If it hadn’t been so serious, it almost seemed comical.
Poof. In an instance, we lost a “friend” of 15 years.
Good riddance.
Sounds like our former President?
@@caroleminke6116 - Sounds like TDS.
@@caroleminke6116how are you enjoying the inflation and wars? Are you excited for world war 3 that the babbling career warmongering "president" is about to start?
🤔 Wait a minute... Wasn't the last president supposed to start world war 3? I do remember... The brainwashed MSM saying so to convince all of the sheep. Time to wake up, they lied to you, about everything
I'm so sorry! That is awful.
@@matthewmcmacken6716 not wanting to "take sides" and we should avoid anything political in tone here, but aren't you making a snap judgment about someone's motives? If someone expresses a negative opinion of a person, whoever that person is, that doesn't imply derangement, which means 'wildly out of control'.
“A petulant little child” is the most accurate description of these creatures! God help us all❤
Which is honestly an insult to children 😅 .. but you're about as close as description can get without adding in well deserved colorful language lol
So a narcissit is a bully in desguise. Fragile and cowardly on the inside trying to compensate by manipulating and putting down others.
Yeah. It's great having one of these people for a supervisor. You're never allowed to disagree with them, and they plainly enjoy petty cruelty.
They can be sadistic!
@@amandaliverpool3374 They sure can. And they sure love it too.
There was one at one of my old jobs that ordered packages of colored paper clips but ordered her secretary to pick out all the green ones because she hated green. Ugh. No green pens, highlighters, folders, post-its, or paper clips!
Yup, and if you do disagree, that'll be the day they fire you for 'opposing' them *eyeroll* (ask me how I know)
That isn't good leadership, though. You'll run off a lot of talented, creative people.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's how it is with these pyschos.
So don't. Or do. Whatever.
Just make sure it's what's best for YOU. 😐
Well stated.
Once I finally woke up and accepted this reality, it became much easier to walk away and go very low contact. They have no desire to realize their shortcomings and life is one big competition. I will not stoop to their level ever again. You are the best, Dr. C!
🎯 Competition is exactly right!!
My BIL and his wife thought his brother would have to take a job position they set up years ago. They couldn't handle that they couldn't run our lives. The compete constantly with their other siblings and to the extreme of not talking to them after a parents death.
When I told my BIL I wouldn't argue with him it was like I was speaking Greek! He was floored. He didn't know what to say so he walked out.
@@t_nels I completely understand! As maddening as it is, I find it quite entertaining at times. They definitely speak their own language and refuse to try and understand anything. I finally had to tell my husband that I would not spend one on one time with his family. I refuse to spend time with people that are bent on misunderstanding me.
amen@@s.s.8029
@@s.s.8029 Amen
@@t_nels same her gaslighting narc sil always competing , petty made up drama, projecting, always have to be on top and entitled superiority in dealing with them in the family and worse in church with their evil games
I've found that going no-contact is best. Being around a narc is like getting stung by mosquitoes non-stop.
Death by a thousand stings.
Wasp stings!
Indeed
@arggg, that's putting it mildly, I'd say it's like being bombarded with nuclear weapons!🤣😂♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
When I was 17 I bought the family Christmas tree. A real one. New ornaments, lights. My boyfriend and I put it up, but we had a hard time getting it to stay up in the stand. The following day I told my dad about the tree being tough to get it to stand up. He insisted I pull it away from the wall. I told him kindly no, I'm afraid it will fall. I then left to go to work. When I got home later that night (he had gone to work himself and was gone when I got home) the Christmas tree was in the backyard, still with light's and ornaments, most of them scattered everywhere. Thats when I knew something was very wrong with him. I just didn't know what. I'm 65 now and that memory has never left me.
I'm assuming he pulled it away from the wall, it fell, he got angry and blamed the tree so destroyed it. That would suck
I've had more than one of them try to tell me how I'm allowed to respond to them, that I'm not allowed to raise my voice or get angry. After they attacked me or deliberately stepped right over one of my boundaries (that they were well familiar with). I laugh in their faces and say too bad, you brought it on, now deal with the consequences, you don't get to behave however you want toward me and then give me rules for how I'm allowed to respond. Delusional and controlling.
What saved my life was going no contact with family members for the last 22 years... It's amazing how even today, those devils are bitter because they didn't get to destroy me...
thats exactly what it is, too. and you just gave me a great idea!!! thank you ☺🤗
You lucky it's 22 years in am busy detaching from my brother and partner in business after 44 years working together........he is vile horrible and just sooooo destructive..........
Once I started listening and understanding........all makes more sense with the behaviour. Tha k goodness I have not become bitter and angry.....now laugh at the situation
Whatever they say or do, its the equivalent of saying, “Notice me!!”
Of course 🤗
Exactly!!! 💗🤗
So oh sooo sad
I've confronted some narcissistic people at work: they lie, deny, shift the blame, rage, do petty passive-aggressive stuff to get you back, and/or walk off throwing a tantrum......oh, and talk in circles/use "word salad" so you are just as upset, confused, frustrated, etc. or even more so than before you confronted them.
Sounds about right.
Remember the 3 words...
Just Walk Away.
It's a complete waste of time and energy trying to reason with a narc
Omg... The way my ex devolved into barbaric, childish abuse and tantrum throwing blew my mind. He was so incredibly unstable. It was like watching a toddler who could cause serious physical and emotional damage have a total meltdown.
Very, VERY unbalanced and wild-swinging, that guy.
Yeah, wish I’d known this a couple of forevers ago. Instead of following through on confrontations, I simply folded, placated, swept it all under the rug. That seemed like a better solution than enduring the repercussions: silent treatment and invalidation. But burying hurts doesn’t work, does it? Neither does ignoring your own needs. So at one point, I just left.
I found out it doesn't work also. The only thing that works is saying goodbye. The don't care about you and they will seek to harm you. Face the truth.
How long did you stay. 38 years here. I'm fighting for my sanity
@@amandac7056 I stayed 30 years! Each year got worse as he aged and drank more. I silently made a plan to escape. Sad that conversations with him could not resolve the conflicts. He blamed me and could not self reflect. I tried so hard to discuss how our lives could be better together. Becoming more informed about narcissistic behavior helped me come to the conclusion that I had to remove myself from the situation. I grieve the relationship but I am living a healthier happier life.
@@amandac7056 22 years. A 2 year courtship prior. I would've taken a bullet for that woman. Six years into the marriage, she decided to come to faith. I supported her in that, in many ways, for 15 years. There were numerous and ongoing manipulations to get me to join in a religion that was not the one of my family of origin. Ultimately, she came under the sway of a cultish group, and informed me (in so many words) that my post-life fate would be rather unpleasant. That really was the tipping point. Subsequently, I have been alienated from my (adopted) stepdaughter for the past 4.5 years. But that's the way these people are, isn't it? A fair part of the time I think to myself, 'If only I had listened to a handful of Dr. C videos, maybe i/we could've. . . .' But after listening to videos for the past 2.5 years now, I realize that likely isn't the case.
Dr. Carter, I watch you often. I listen to every word. Just know, you out did yourself with"How Narcissists Decompose When You Confront." The words on the bottom of the screen are priceless especially when it comes to how WE/I choose to respond. This is decades and decades of knowledge that you're imparting into 14 minutes. This was done so well. You're awesome. So awesome.
You just made my day. I'm so pleased to be on the path with you!
You cannot reason with a narcissist. From such "stay away".
My relationship with my sister was always bad but when I finally told her I wasn't coming to her holiday party anymore because she always made it as inconvenient for me as possible she freaked out. Then I told her I needed some space from the relationship. She devolved into an out of control toddler. It was unbelievable how much of an over reaction.
Having no contact with her for 3 years has been wonderful. I only wish I did it sooner.
I confronted my father when I was 40 years old after he kept showing up to my apartment for years trying to hoover me back into his ex-wife's life for another round of abuse. Out of everything I said to him the one thing he didn't like the most was when I told him to stop trying to control my life.
oh wow, that's why I felt like I just can't say anything to them... because whatever I say, they use it to go against me.
Narcissists hate ambivalence because they want you invested in their self perceived importance. Walking away is the best last word and will protect your mental and emotional health too. If they were worthy of your time, they’d realise that and we all know that they will not, so walk on by.
Narcissists are out for themselves only. Seriously. The rest of us are seen as a means to an end, the end being an enormous ego and a persona of perfection. They are so incredibly fragile. A confrontation means a narcissistic injury and they can’t tolerate it. So they revert to shockingly childish behaviour like blaming, name calling, screaming, yelling, pointing the finger back at you (I know what you are but what am I?!), dodging accountability. So sad.
called out my neighbour for being a "know it all". He immediately started projecting that I was childish etc. Within 2 hours he physically assaulted me! Now I have the power. Reported him to police. I have told him so. I have gone no contact. He cant even look me in the eye when our paths cross. Thanks for your videos.
Good for you. We'll done 👏
@@amandaliverpool3374 and im in liverpool too.
Good to hear you reported him to police 👮🚓
The mistake I made was believing the people in my family that display NPD traits were actually regulated or composed !
Exactly the same here. This is what I believed of my mother. Not seen anyone else mention this
It's so nice to know the last 50 years I wasn't alone. Others had this too and it's them. Not you. Your efforts really were valid. You're good enough.
Yes! Thank you!
51 years of constant criticism. Put downs. Made fun of. Calling me crazy. And then THE SMIRK.
41 years for me. Watching these videos has been extremely helpful to me.
Same!! @@Swist1213
This video touches on one of the biggest challenges i face daily with the narc in my life. The dynamic is so toxic, I'm left bursting at the seams with frustration and resentment that corrodes my character and leaves me completely disgusted with this person.
He used to be collaborative, receptive, and brought an attitude of reciprocal regard to conversations where there was conflict to be resolved. He was sensitive to my feelings and appreciated constructive criticism; these mature and admirable qualities contributed greatly to my affinity for him. Conversely, when he had a complaint to voice, or a helpful observation to share, he did it respectfully and with kindness, which i appreciated.
Fast forward 8 years, and the nightmarish deterioration of our relationship has become a burning dumpster fire devoid of any trace of healthy conflict resolution. The gaslighting, justifying, shame dodging, blame shifting, victim playing, and poo flinging he brings to any conversation that requires maturity, self examination or diplomacy is done with a COMPLETE absence of empathy or objectivity.
Listening to him talk and try to justify the inexcusable or invalidate every thought i have makes me sick. I have zero respect for the way he thinks, responds, and behaves.
Where did my friend go? How can someone change so drastically? Was he totally faking it for those first couple years?
I hate him. And i am beyond disappointed in myself for allowing this dynamic to continue.
Thank you for examining a topic that i am struggling with so desperately. I find your videos tremendously beneficial to returning to a place of Dignity, Respect, and Civility!
Nothing so enrages my father as being confronted with undeniable proof of his actions. He insulates himself from the harm he causes with denial and when put in a situation where he can't protect his ego with lies, he punishes the truth teller. The last time we ever communicated, he told me that he was blocking me and suggested that I change my change name. Since then he has messaged my mother and told her that I've made him miserable for the last 50 years and yet I'm only 49 years old, which is very telling on a number of levels.
They are selfish, dishonest, and without conscience much like a toddler who hasn't yet developed self awareness or empathy.
i tried to confront a narc it didnt go so well the narc went in a rage and blamed me i learned the best thing is give no closure and walk away you cant deal with one
Excited for this one. I find it scary to witness time and time again. It's like breaking a smoky window and seeing all hell wide open when looking through it, but not shiny bright and fiery..more rotten, dark and broken. A whole lot of deep, dark nothing and at the very bottom a little figure in form of a toddler that wants to be comforted.
One biblical description of hell is "the outer darkness", which describes what you posted: it is a place of darkness that is 'outer' cuz it is separated from all that is good.
So adeptly described.
🎉
The blame reversal is insane! Very good video for insight. Thank you!
Yep, I was to blame for saying I was leaving over the fact I saw a letter to his wife who had left him, speaking of his heartbreak and a phone call to her saying he 'loved her very much'! Then he tried every trick to try and keep me longer! Probably if I'd stayed narc would have booted me out next day!?! Jokes on him! Never again! What a difference 6 mths after love bomb phase! His loss! Saw narc 2 roads away from my home yesterday, looked careworn, miserable, hair unkempt, straggly beard! I walked silently past head held high! Strange that I was just starting to feel so much better just before seeing him! Anyway onwards and upwards!♥️♥️♥️♥️🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
My opinion: It's like trying to nail jelly to a wall. These people are impossible, shape shifting chameleons. I haven't even watched the video yet 😊
Exactly. A confronted narcissist may brutally attack you emotionally or may fly into a rage. The lesson I learned is that it is better to move far away from the narcissist, geographically.
The intro reminds me of something my narcissistic ex used to say: “People who really love each other never argue and never fight” What complete BS.
This man is so insightful and calming 💖
After my mother's narcissistic decomposing, not long after I said only three words namely 'you are acting', I thought others would see there was a problem, but to my surprise, I was once again the problem and had to be punished. I don't mind, it just took a while to become aware of it.
Decompose is a good word for it. Slow rotting breakdown one small bit at a time.
You don't really notice it day to day but when away from the narc for weeks or more at a time it's really obvious how bad they are starting to struggle with even what used to be basic functions of life they once excelled at.
You sir are the most enlightened one on the topic off narcissistic people. You don’t encourage us too get in tangled in their web but educate us too learn and peacefully remove ourselves from their insanity with ours intact ❤🇮🇪
Glad the videos resonate!
I suppose narcissistic decomposition is what you've referred to many times when instructing that we observe people's demeanor in conflicts. It's a great term, revelatory. Many times, it's exactly how I've found out I was dealing with someone really unhealthy. Afterwards I've thought to myself that just wanting to bring clarity to a situation wouldn't be a big issue if our roles were reversed. Not so with a narcissist. Their whole premise for interacting with people is fundamentally different. For them it's narrow over expansive communication; while you might reflect a great deal upon how to express yourself clearly they're in fact reflecting a great deal on how to say as little as possible. I think you can even spot them in how they talk or write - lazy, aloof, self-permissive, riddled with intentional glitches and obfuscations.
Ime narcissists, like people with BPD and HPD, tend to overload the conversation with superfluous information so as to make sure that they’re receiving as much attention from others. It’s people with ASPD who tend to minimize their presence.
In other words: brief, word salad, dropped sentences... Speech is fast, gestures instead, abbreviated. 🤥😒🤐
As a grandmother i stepped in to defend my grandaughter as she was being treated unjustly by her father shes in her 30s he threw a hot cup of tea at her because she said something he didnt like about his latest supply so iv had the wrath of his anger the silent treatment his favourite thing to do we have now had to walk away there's just no other way to handle it weve had enough 😢
Good for you standing up for your granddaughter!! Good model!
I gave up on trying to get through to my husband emotionally a long time ago because it was too painful. His response to me wanting to talk through anything at a heart level was to walk away mad, and give me the silent treatment, which only added to my angst in trying to resolve the emotional angst I was already dealing with (I always went away feeling way worse for trying), and he wouldn't relent until I apologized, even for the things he did wrong... so the entire weight of the relationship was on me, and still is... I've just become a bit better at protecting my heart over time.
The few times he did verbalize anything, either before, during or after my attempts to resolve something, he said terrible things that certainly did not line up with the fake persona he's been hiding behind... things he never apologized for, either, and never showed any remorse for... simply reverting back to "life as usual" after I apologized for everything.
His excuse for not talking (about anything on an emotional or personal level) is that he didn't want to say something he'll regret... and I get that in a healthy relationship, this type of break can be a good thing... but that later, after you've calmed down, you both take time to reconcile and set things right and you both verbalize a determination to do whatever it takes to make things right... this has never happened even once in my current relationship.
I'm thinking that when he says he doesn't want to say anything he'll regret later, it's not because he cares about hurting me with his poor choice of words (like you'd have in a healthy relationship) it's because he regrets showing his true nature by verbalizing those hateful words that he harbors in his heart... and hiding behind his fake persona is paramount to him... fearing exposure is his greatest fear.
I'm thinking of the scenario of getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar - one person feels bad because he/she got caught and feels bad about going behind his/her mom's back and will do whatever he or she needs to do to make up for it and never do it again. The other just feels bad about being caught (for a minute), then immediately shifts gears in thinking about the way they will approach this in the future, so that the next time they do it, they won't get caught. One has no intention of changing their bad behavior, the other insists on it and will do anything they can to make sure they get away with it next time, and the time after that, etc.
Very well said. I’ve experienced the exact same things except for name calling and yelling and the like. All other actions are very similar.
Why can't you leave him? Why do you stay in this unhealthy relationship? It's not my business, and you don't have to answer.
The short answer is I'm working on it. Working on getting my life back together, step by step by step... it's a long, arduous, painful process, but one that nonetheless needs to happen if I'm ever to find my way out of this mess... a way out that's made much harder and longer because of a relationship that's left me jobless, friendless, without a support system... all things that need to be rebuilt brick by brick as I continue on my journey of healing and as I find my way back to being the person God created me to be. @@famouskate9071
Wow! I feel like I'm going through very similar situation in my marriage. Stay strong in your own beautiful being and dont let him drag you into his drama. Sending love & light.
Thank you so much... we stand together.@@spiralwoman3788
I think they do have feelings. They have such strong feelings of shame that they’re hiding like an alternate ego that anything that triggers them makes them feel not good enough. Then they explode. They also might feel the need to knock down to keep them higher up in their competition it’s probably all subconsciously being done of course but. The worse they are the more competitive they are so that they feel worthy and good enough , unless you are someone that makes them feel even more perfect then you’re part of their team you are literally part of their identity .. which is why that makes it so fragile. You can’t go hurting their ego bc they depended on you to look good. It’s like mean girls type of thing if you made them look cool by worshiping them etc then you talked about them badly even if it’s justified they will revenge to no end you triggered them bc they let you get somewhat close in an unspoken mutual ego boosting “friendship” and then you stabbed them in the back by noticing they weren’t all that real of a friend lol ugh these people need so much inner spiritual work done sad
I confronted the narcissist. At the time i didn’t know I was dealing with a narcissist I thought I was dealing with a bullying type of person. It started off calm with indirect/subliminal commentary and boy did it escalate. I triggered some major narc injury (unknowingly) by saying some very direct and honest things and boy are they relentless. It never ends. It’s a literal “for life” kind of mentality. She still gives me dirty looks and tries to smear campaign and do the whole thing over the argument that happened 2 years ago lol. Everything Dr. says is spot on. Blame shifting, immaturity, lack of composure, looking for your weakness/insecurities, not acknowledging anything they do. it’s literally like arguing with a child except I would chose a child over and over bc at least it’s developmentally appropriate. My best advice is to say ok, roll your eyes and walk away lol but the eye roll might give them some supply so watch out lol 🤪
if u stand up for yourself all hell breaks loose or go grey rock. Both bad so just go no contact
Dr. Carter thank you for explaining why a narcissist cannot be trusted while we are being reasonable when allowing for imperfection in ourselves and them. Now I understand that trying to maintain a healthy enough relationship with a narcissist is an almost impossible goal in life
"You seem to forgot". My mother's favorite words. She'd leave me hanging and then blame me for getting anxiety about her lack of time management.
Narc gone out of my life set free
I aspire to accomplish what you have. Well done ❤🎉
20 years in a relationship before I learned about NPD and BPD. I feel trapped in this marriage and am confronted on a daily basis with my shortcomings. I want to get away but there is too much entangling us. But each day I get closer to making that sacrifice in order to save myself.
Get out go no contact. It won't get better, the relationship will destroy you.
I'm 35 years into a marriage with a narcissist. The final straw was when the sexual/emotional/mental/financial abuse turned into physical violence recently. It doesn't get better. They won't change. I understand about being entangled with someone. 35 years! You have to decide what is more important to you. For me it is my physical safety and my sanity. Good luck to you!
Dr Les I saw exactly this when i confronted my then wife. She was a child internally and then admitted she didnt know how to behave. But she had plenty of empathy for herself if thats not a contradiction. She didint want a partnership she wanted control. I got out, with dignity, but it was very upsetting.
Dr Carter, thank you so very much! Your videos have given me a proper perspective on things such as this, where I was always made to believe I was at fault. Now I see these realities as they are and no longer completely manipulated by them. It is still a learning process but getting better every day. You have blessed me in a huge way. Again, thank you so very much! You are doing the Lord’s work and saving people daily from lives of bondage🙏
Dr. C. If I live to be a 100 yrs. Old, the Narcissist will never amaze me again. They all follow the same playbook. They are"All" users, and after years of exposure I have learned when it's time to cut and run.
9 yrs of putting up with a difficult self centered daughter in law is enough.
Her fragile ego and grandiose outward attitude has alerted me to the A Typical signs of a Narc. In spite of the fact I do enjoy spending time with my Grands , I refuse to be used and invalidated any longer. Time for Emotional Detachment to be implemented . Thank you for your wisdom once again!!❤
Elaine, I respect how you are trying to come to terms with a difficult situation. Keep it up!
What is also confounding is the fact that THEY FORGET exactly how horrible these infractions are and expect everything to go back to normal once they no longer want to continue the narrative.
I don't think "feelings" have anything to do with it. Their aggression serves a purpose (for them) and when they've moved on they expect everything to be as it was before their explosion. It really does underscore the fact that they have no feelings (which is why they have no empathy) and emotional response is really irrelevant to them.
Facts. Their emotionalism is a tactic to control you, to gain sympathy to then gain the upper hand in the narrative. It's a tool.
My brother has said asks done things that I can't even begin to get into, and he comes around acting like we're "good" like nothing happened. I have more than one in my life unfortunately, but he's the worst of them.
I find they have all the power. Every thing always has to be on their terms. If not, they drop me. Even my own so called family.
Listen man. You come to Earth once. After a certain point you gotta decide if you’re gonna let them mow over your life. Because the narcissist is demon possessed and the end goal is death. They summon demons to make you feel this way so summon the Holy Spirit and let God best them on your behalf. If they drop you, they are doing you a favor. You got this
let them go and then you have the power.
Yep! You have to submit, or you will be punished. It's sad.
The last time I confronted my narc about our kids - I behaved very poorly.
I’ve gone no contact because I need to stop this trauma bond. I’ve gone right back to where we were years ago, before we divorced, and I don’t like how quickly I lost all the work I’ve done on myself since the divorce.
My narc hoovered and asked me to reel off his shortcomings so that he could learn (he was secretly seeing if I was worth continuing to manipulate or whether I had too strong of a mind) I didn't realise he was a narc at the time, I was discarded 2 weeks later and the reason was for being who and how I am, of course
Accepting that in order to engage with them in any relationship means they will not allow you to have your own perception or narrative or any kind, unless they consider it unimportant, which is why sometimes they allow it, is where I am at
No thank you!
You are my favourite on the subject Dr C and I thank you for your work. You are a true credit and treasure to survivors.
My ex narc did this I think. During my liberation and multi state move these past few weeks I've discovered my older sister has some narcissistic tendencies. She actually bullied me a few days ago. I don't want to break contact with her, but her mean words were hurtful. It seems like you're always having to suck it up with narcissists.
I'm sorry to hear that. I've learned that there is narcissism everywhere. The ones that we can't fo not contact with, we limit contact. Thankfully, we learn coping strategies here on how to manage situations. Look after yourself 🙏💕
instead of "sucking it up", try letting it go.
Learn how to set boundaries. Like Dr.C said do not play the game...educate yourself to listen to cues in their tone, words, and sarcasm...then politely walk away. Say nothing...just end the conversation and walk away. Remember, the walking away is not for them but for you and your peace and sanity.
@@sarahmurphy7838 Exactly.
@@sarahmurphy7838 after being 'damaged' emotionally by these evil people, sure, you can "let it go" but the damage may take a lifetime to heal.
There is no communicating with a narcissist. They immediately shut down, rage, make you out to be the insecure one. I wish that I never confronted them. As long as I keep quiet and never expose them about anything, we will get along just fine. It is so sad! I learned the hard way.
My ex punch the wall and blamed it on my daughter and I. That was the last straw for me.
I call myself 'the foolish one,' though I don't beat myself up. I had a long friendship with a covert narc. I finally set boundaries and then, I started to really make a "push," no doubt seen as a confrontation with me, or, from me. Sure enough, the decomposition hit. Not in seconds or minutes, rather, it took a month or two earlier this year. Exactly as Dr. Carter describes here. The end of March, I finally went 'no contact.' Don't miss him at all. Saw him at a social gathering a couple of times. Is he ever ANGRY! And, I say, GOOD! He can get as angry as he wants!
It's particularly interesting when you watch them decompose in a court setting in front of a judge, and then wonder why they lost (and blame their lawyer).
It's strange how unpredictable these individuals can be on when they have a meltdown. Just when you think they may lose it and you've been walking on egg shells, simply they don't. I am learning that it can be over a minute matter which leaves you thinking, where did that come from 😳
Exactly. 🎯❤️ Just when things are going well, they create a surprise fake argument. Now, looking in their eyes is creepy…soul rattling. It took decades to “get it”. We are supposed to have loving mothers (for example), but in the wild some mothers eat their young. 🙉
So very true!!! 🎯 They are so unpredictable. I remember Dr Carter saying "the predictable unpredictable" 🥴 💗🤗
@tbunnyshy1 That's so scary. My stepfather married my mum when I was young. My brother joined the armed forces when I was 9. I outstayed my welcome.
He pretended he liked us and couldn't wait to get shut of us!!! Take care 🙏💕
@@tbunnyshy1yes, looking in their eyes is so very creepy and is scaring 🙈 🤗💗
@roxymovie3938 Unfortunately, I'm getting alot of this from my eldest son! Though I have tools and support. I will sort this 👍😉💕
One of your very best videos, Dr.C. I owe you such a debt of gratitude for helping me break away from toxic relationships.
Wow, thank you! And best wishes to you.
I'd be curious to know how a counselor such as yourself deals practically (actual verbal responses) with an individual you're counseling when they decompose in your midst. That might help folks. Thank you for your videos.❤
Im watching this after a confrontation with a person i think is a narcissist. The particular situation involved a person who always forgets things. Daily...i constantly have to brinf things to them at work that they forgot. They constantly forget important things and they lock their keys in the car atleast twice a month. I sat down and tried to give them a system on how to remember things and they blew up on me. also, one day I forgot this persons candy bar, and in return they told me i was unreliable and forgetful. I was expecting some empathy, since they forget things all the time. They made a big deal about my one blunder and blew up when i pointed out the habitual habit they have of forgetting things. They changed the subject and started bashing me on things not related to the conversation. I simply provided them with steps they could take to stop forgetting things and a way to make sure they have their keys before they lock the door. They blew up! This video is spot on
Someone I know to a T! I suggested apps, using her cell phone alarm and calendar as a reminder, and tried giving her tips on how to develop new habits to COMMIT to remembering.
Instead, she claims she "tried them all," but "nothing works," and that she has problems remembering and she doesn't know why (insert 😢) that she "told us this a while ago" and "we did nothing." Mind you, she's 20 y.o., with her father's insurance card, and can make all the necessary therapy/psyche appointments she needs to. YET continues to play the "mini-violin" of her "victim soundtrack" with no accountability, no ownership, just blame-shifting and character assassination.
@CROSS-examine that sucks. Some people will not take self accountability ever! BUT...They will judge everyone else
Excellent. This video met me exactly where I am now. I'm in the beginning stages of divorcing him. I've made my will, heath directives, etc. And found a safe, decent place to rent, and I'm moving in a week from now. I tried living in the same house, but upstairs. But things blew up anyway, and he ordered me to leave with nothing because it's all HIS. So now, at 74, with only my social security, I start a new life for myself. I cannot tell you, Dr Carter, how much your videos have helped me to get to this juncture without being hurtful to myself or others. I discovered you 2 years ago. I tried my best to live with him. Now it's time to give my best to me and others who are appreciative. Thank you. ❤
Dealing with others narsassism has aged me over the years and them aswell
My sister is 8 yrs older & a total narcissist. She acts superior, & only what "she" says, goes. She is controlling & manipulative & so is her husband. Sadly their 3 grown kids shadow them. We cannot deal w/them, so as far as me & my Family are concerned, they don't exist & we are much healthier for it.
Once I felt stable I found it relatively easy to deal with them.
My narc said to me your job is less important then mine so when I have time you have to drop everything and go where I say we’ll go. And because of my past anger due to my cancer last year he said he’ll never forgive me for that to rest of my days and that he left me alone for 3 months after my surgery said then I deserved even worse because of my behavior towards him. Implying he should have left me altogether
Holy moly DrC. For as many times as I have been accused of making "everything a competition" when all I've been doing is stating clearly all of the things I handle and that a partnership requires input on both sides. It's just a projection of his viewing it as me calling him a looser isn't it?? It's all just a projection of his internal turmoil? I can't tell you how many times I have said no, neither of us can win when we both don't participate It's supposed to be a team!! We are both supposed to work together toward the wins.
Yes, you're looking at projection...I'll have a video on that topic in 2 weeks.
As always, thank you Dr. C. Great video. Having the sad opportunity to withness this decomposition you speak of, I know I have the happy choice of who to engage and spend my time and energy with! I choose peace.
That’s the greatest part of living your own life. You choose. You are free to say yes or no. You are free to remain silent. You are free to befriend whomever you want. You are free to walk away from friendships. You are free to put yourself first. You are free to consider another’s feelings first. Heck, you’re even free to be a jerk, according to Dr. C. Use your freedom wisely. I believe you will. And even if you don’t, you have the freedom to learn from it and change for the better.
@aaronkwolfe Thanks for your uplifting encouragement to just be. I am so grateful for the scourge of my unknowing psychological abuse from the ways of the covert narcissist and blessed to now know the whole of this bizarre spectrum. Thanks, Aaron and Dr. C. and Team Healthy.
It's as if you sat in a room with me and my family member and took notes.
And the when you silence. Them. They induce conversation when they need something.
I lost my keys. Have had more help and kindness from strangers helping me find them. My narc spouse said”it shouldn’t have happened.” I didn’t respond to that.
Yes, it support you need not criticism 🙏
No response is the best response ❤
The Narcissist husband went into decomp, when I confronted his about the affair he was having with the Boss's wife. I had a witness to his infidelity. He asked the dumbest question...who was it as if he could change the facts. His melt down was quite a sight!! He didn't even bother to try to explain...like I said he became one Big Pile of decomp
Have watched a ton of your videos but never commented before. Thank you so much for ALL of your work.
It has helped me survive at my job for the last year.
However I quit suddenly on Sunday after the manager did exactly what you outlined in this video.
Wow. You were/are so spot on and I am incredibly appreciative!!!
First, glad you ventured forth with your comments. I hope you land on your feet, and more importantly that you resolve to lean into who you are fully meant to be!!
Dear Doc, this one truly explains so much I've experienced w/ my narc mom. This is her behavior exactly. I am so thankful to finally understand! 🧡🌷☮️
This is great therapy. It has clarified so many years of craziness and has given me the tools to understand the narcissist and flying monkey's actions. That, in turn, has enabled me to move forward in my search for answers. The answers have been flowing like water now. I am still dealing with very ugly people who will do anything to steal, hurt others and cover up...without one thought about their actions. God provides, though. Always. Peace, comfort, joy... and people like you who are willing to share with those who need your insights. Thank you!
Thanks for a great session. I haven’t seen my narc in weeks.it’s absolute bliss.he’s hiding and I am very absorbed in living my life.I keep thinking of his partner . She must be so,embarrassed? She accused me of shouting at the narc, and stopped talking to me. But since then he has shouted at everyone and even lost jobs because of how he is. Surely at some level she must know she was wrong to accuse me?but who knows? You can’t negotiate with insanity.thanks again Judy from uk
I watched Wednesday video and commented and my questions were answered just now on this one. We need some miracles.
I decided to take charge of my agency, got on a plane to go to a concert with a friend who was the complete opposite to the narc. I had a great time (for a change). Went out for burgers and pizza, (instead of fancy upscale resturant), watched a rom com, and had a blast, with someone with an actual PULSE. The contrast was unmistakeable and STARK.
There was a party game where each person gets a series of written questions. One question was "Describe your spouse in one word." I described my spouse as sensitive. My spouse described me as ruthless. ... Thanks for the videos, after years I still want validation that I wasn't mistaken, that my spouse (now ex) really was that bad, that impossible.
Gus looks like a person of peace … thank you for your advice much needed at the moment .
It's incredibile how this is so precisely describing those sick dynamics. I am still in denial this is possibile, though I have experienced it, and fought for asserting myself, over the last 2 years. It feels like a nightmare that dynamics like this exist
Keep learning!
Yep! Hitting on ALL cylinders! How true! Confronting a narcissist is NOT a pleasant encounter!
I quite like triggering them into meltdowns. Ones I don’t know well. Not family ones
Great insights, and painful, especially before Christmas. On the other hand easy. Just keping the necessary distance without blaming myself.
Swear I saw my narcissist's face go sallow and dark during a confrontation. She looked like she was becoming a husk
I can't tell you how accurate this is. Thank you for everything Doc
My sister's favorite phrase is "The right way to do X"
At a major company word got back to my mom "You daughter is an itch"
Left the workforce at a young age.
Her "explanations" vary over time
"Women don't get opportunities"
"My carpal tunnel in my hands...."
At family events, she still points out the University she graduated from and degree (every stops doing this in their 20s)
She has been working from home in her basement selling Crafts at street fairs despite her advanced degrees
Net/Net: She brought her failure upon herself and blames everybody else
I stay away from her
Lately I start decomposing right alongside. I got called names told I was something to be gotten rid of, it was when he looked at me and said Your just hideous that I lost it. Just another pig in the mud.
I’m dealing with a situation with my mom. She’s the executor of my dad’s estate. She listed my dad’s house since he’s deceased. The house price was dropped prior to mine and my siblings knowledge. I simply told my mom that I think we should all be in agreement with the price of my dad’s house since we are the beneficiaries to his estate. One of my brothers contacted the realtor to ask about some repairs that we could do to the house. My mom has made my brother and I out to be bullies toward her simply because we asked a few questions about my dad’s house. She thought we were “ganging up” on her and trying to take her role as executor from her. We haven’t spoken in about a week. I continue to text her and just say good morning ; things like that. She tends to give the silent treatment when she’s confronted with someone else’s opinion about things. I just want to ask about a decent way to deal with this kind of situation because I just don’t know. Thanks
Petulant child...so often this is what I'm thinking... it's just mind blowing.
Hello Dr. Les Carter and Hello to the lovely Mr. Gus listening intently. LOL.
Of course!!