2 Primary Reasons You Can't Discuss Narcissism With A Narcissist
Вставка
- Опубліковано 11 лис 2022
- When you experience strains in your relationship with a narcissist, it's natural to attempt to discuss your concerns openly. That's what healthy people do. But Dr. Les Carter highlights why this healthy form of communication with a narcissist is not likely to satisfy. Focusing on two entrenched patterns, he identifies what you are up against and how you can respond wisely.
Listen to Dr. C’s NEW PODCAST at anchor.fm/dr-les-carter
It also is available on Google, Apple, Spotify, and Amazon.
Sign up for Dr. Carter's course: Ready, Set, Connect
survivingnarcissism.tv/ready-...
Get 20% off when you use the coupon code: rsc20youtube
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
If you are interested in online therapy, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com/drcarter
We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.
Join the Team Healthy community HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/subscr...
Check out videos, articles, quizzes, and more at our website: survivingnarcissism.tv
You can follow Surviving Narcissism on:
Twitter: @SNarcissism101
Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101
Facebook: @survivingnarcissism101
Dr. Carter has two other courses that you may find to be useful:
Free to Be: Reclaim & rediscover your uniqueness survivingnarcissism.tv/free-t...
This Is Me: Setting boundaries with the controllers in your life survivingnarcissism.tv/this-i...
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other UA-cam channel: / drlescarter
Bookstore: survivingnarcissism.tv/books-...
Narcissists do not think there is anything wrong with them so calling them one just makes them dig their heels in and act out more. Once you use that term or words like "gaslighting" to explain to them what they are doing, they will immediately start accusing you of being a narcissist who gaslights them because they are the only victims in their twisted mind. So telling them is totally useless and will backfire. I'm not sure what's worse, not being able to discuss their disorder openly or having them project it back onto you when you do. It's maddening!!
When I confronted my husband about gaslighting me, I said your gaslighting me, I do not appreciate that and I want it stopped right now! He looked at me, like, how did you know I was doing that, and he said, ok! Just like that. He did stop for a very long time. Now I just call him on it. He hates that.
@@ritaking8827 Interesting. Maybe there's an ounce of self awareness there?? Or are you being fooled again?
@@metatechnologist He was angry and surprised because I called him out on it. I could tell his ego was hurt. He stopped I think because he was confused as to how I found out what he was doing... “ie” the silent treatment! Now he is more careful how and when he does it. I don’t always catch it, but when I do and say something he just ignores me and the silence starts again. I’m starting to find the silence nice. They feel like little victories.
@@ritaking8827 Yes the silent treatment is a tool in their toolbox.
Basically being thrown back into the seat that you find out that someone is Cluster B is pretty worse, especially when it's one of your family members(Or more). So yes you explained it pretty well. Once you find out there is no road back, that’s the annoying part.
I have come to the conclusion you can’t discuss anything with a narcissist. The dynamic is: they talk, we listen and agree. It’s one way only.
when my ex dumped me he went on and on and i got in one sentence before he hung up on me . He has zero communication skills real bad
@@libbynovotny9979 oh my goodness. I hope you’re ok now… Sounds like a lucky escape for you!
It's due to their rigidity and impermeability, meaning the relationship is none existent, they are operating from a false-self. You cannot get through to them and you describe it right it’s a one way street to nowhere into their void.
Exactly right! We are non-entities except to serve them!!😡
And then they complain that nobody listens to them…
The biggest hurdle with narcissists is accepting that they'll never have interest in goodness, decency, and respecting others. To invest yourself into a narc is to flush your precious time and energy down the toilet.
Well said.
Like all who voted for 45 ,the worlds most prominent narcissist,who would flush them, along with the Constitution, down his gold toilet.
@@johntuohy1867 All politicians are narcissist puppets that serve banking families.
Even if you try to be civil with them and share how you feel about things, they will immediately turn the conversation around and make it all about them. Every stinking time. They couldn't care less about your feelings. They will over talk in every conversation.
The constant, chronic interrupting is so exhausting and maddening
So very true
Yep
Don't converse. Don't share. They don't care and they will use that sort of information to hurt you. Accept they will never, ever change, but you can go on and grow and enjoy your life. It will feel awesome. Best of luck.
@@kathleenreardon8943 , Yes, I've learned not to share. Very sad and lonely feeling that you can't share, but, like you said, it's not worth it in the least.
Narcissist think that we are stupid
and they know it all.
They are greatly mistaken!
My MIL's favorite term is literally "don't be stupid!". She uses it on everyone. Funny thing is, she's actually not very bright. In fact, she is quite stupid so it's ironic she loves to project that one.
Very true! It’s like talking to a rock!
@@chelleb3055 classic projection
They like to 'play dumb' so do not think they go for 'others being stupid all day'. The playing dumb is easy overlooked.
@@RN-gx7wt I understand what your saying now. Yes your right.
Abridged version of this excellent video: Give up on trying to reason with, persuade, or move the narcissist to change their ways. Move on, and live life your own way, without them.
Yeah, and it took me 13 minutes to say that!
👏👏👏👍❤
I have been listening to you for a year now. Listening to you has helped me come to terms with the abuse I have suffered in childhood and during 14 years of marriage. My mother was a Narcissist as is my sister. My divorce was final last June, my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. I now live alone with my dog, in healing and thriving mode. Thank you for being a beacon of light in an ever darkening world.
Im sorry for all you’ve gone through. I have went through similar with my entire family who are all narcissistic. I’m glad you finally got away from your abusers and are on your healing journey. Isn’t it amazing how sometimes dogs have more empathy than our own family. I’m so happy for you. I have cut out all of my abusive family except one, my mother but I know that’s my next step is to go no contact with her as well because the toxicity she adds to my life needs to go for good.
@@christinamessina8417 : Thanks for sharing. I'm a grandma who was raised in a narcissistic family. Both of my adult children have cut off contact with me, and I'm sure that I've contributed to this sad situation.
I'm thankful that I still have their contact info although they never pick up the phone or respond in any way. This way at least I can still send a card or gift to the grandchildren, and notify them when there is a death in the family. If you can handle it, I would say consider allowing a crumb of connection out of compassion for your mother. With my aging parents, I decided to drop in on them unannounced once per quarter, as that was what I could handle, and I could leave as soon as I wanted to. That seemed to work ok. Blessings to you! 🙏💝
Been there married 21 year's Finally...I stood up and said NO...he left
..been healing almost 2 yrs now. It gets better DR C.IS BEENa life saver to the madness
My mother and sister were/are the narcissists as well. I miss my dad : (
@@jondhoe7023 News flash -- not everything is about them!
You don't love those people because _they_ deserve it, you love them because _you_ deserve to live life with that love in your heart.
Love is something free we can always share with others -- without expecting anything in return ❤
*(loving someone deeply doesn't mean not having healthy boundaries)*
Sometimes I still sting from an argument with my adult daughter that ended our relationship over five years ago. For a change, I pushed back at her critical, entitled, superior attitude. Things devolved into a public smear campaign, shaming, blaming, and pointing the finger at me for doing all the things she does. I really need to tune into this channel often to renew my sense of peace. Love "I'm not hall monitor."
It's been about 14 years since my malignant "ex" brother was screaming at me on the phone. I started to explain and got as far as, "You need to understand...", when I realized I didn't owe him an explanation. I hung up the phone and that was that. The smear was on! Haven't spoken to him or his ratty kids since. It's been peaceful! I was in my 60's at the time and I'll be 78 next month. Sure wish I had figured it out 50 years ago, but better late than never. 😀
@@aflack1000 I am sorry that this happened to you. Your strength is commendable. I am glad that you wrote this.. My brother smeared my name too and sought out toxic people from my past to agree with him. It is a shame that we do not have healthy siblings. You are not alone and your feelings do matter. Thank you for sharing.
Family can be really difficult because we long for good relationships!! Sadly my father is one and I believe my mom might be one too 😢
When I tried to talk to my sister about her abusive behavior toward me, she went on another tirade saying, “I will not be your punching bag, you just want me to be the bad guy, I’m a lamb out to slaughter and I have been kind to everyone.”
She said exactly what I should have been saying to her.
I never talked to her again. Ever.
Sounds like me and my sister. I called her out on her behavior, than she told me never to call her again. It's been almost two years of peace. She even returned the last birthday card and Christmas card I sent her. Unopened. Lesson learned. She will never hear from me again. In reality I never liked her and NEVER trusted her, so I'm good
@@cynthiafortier2540 It is absolutely unbelievable. Hang in there Cynthia!
I want GOOD for myself.
They will not LISTEN.
#1 they do not respect you enough to care what you think #2 they do not respect you enough to believe you!
I asked my husband if he wanted to be happy, he said I don’t know. It’s probably the most or only time he as honest with me EVER! He loves being 12 years old and miserable.
Well let me modify that a bit. Because they of course look down on you then that makes you naturally wrong and never right about anything. Those in this thread amirite??
Dr George Simon says one of the tell tell signs of a narcissist is how they can never give a straight forward answer to a straight forward question. “Do you want to be happy?” seems pretty straight forward to me.
Hey Kelly...Keep an eye out next Tuesday. I interviewed Dr. Simon for my podcast and we are going to air the video of it next Tuesday! I really enjoyed him.
@@SurvivingNarcissism This will be amazing!
I grieve the loss of the sister I thought I had. When I came to realize I loved a sister I
“ made up” in my head. Every episode we have where it can only go well if I’m serving her causes my love to drain away. Soon.....this will get easier and that thought breaks my heart too.
You didn't make up your sister in your head. She made you think she was one way when she really was something else.
I have went over a thousand times about my NM. I have read and listen to more articles, post, comment, and videos then I can count and came to realize my NM was just showing (most if the time) her false-Self.
Narcissists are great actors. And yes, we have grieve what we thought we had. I am so sorry that you have to grieve the lost of someone who is still alive, but wasn't who you thought she was.
That last sentence is so relatable. I even felt guilty for not wishing my nex a happy birthday on the 10th of October because I truly never intended to ever hurt him regardless of the fact he has discarded me right before birthdays and even holidays. I can't remember how many times I rang in the new year and my bday alone at home in my bed😥
I had a brother like that. Extremely spoiled by my parents and we were held to different standards. They always expected better of me, as they put it. I was the smart one. I was the logical one. I was the one who was supposed to be my brother's keeper. Long story short, he never wanted to be kept. Once they finally realized that they're spoiling had done irreparable damage, it was too late. He had a drug problem, had repeated run-ins with the law and recently he passed away from a drug overdose. It doesn't help at all that my mom finally broke down and admitted that she favored my brother over me. Just dig that knife in a little deeper, Mom.
@@ingrid_inthesky wow me too. They ruin every holiday and birthday. And vacations don't forget those. Hugs and hugs.
@@ingrid_inthesky I'm sorry, no one deserves that...these people are just so evil!
I was called one once by my ex-husband. This was 20+ years ago. It gave me pause for sure. The other day my daughter said, " I think dad might be a narcissist." I didn't know about projection back then, and worried I might be one. He called me one when we were breaking up, he was always analyzing me. I would tell him that I had a therapist and he should analyze himself. 😁 Actually, it wasn't funny back then.
Sweet Victoria
That’s who you are
I am glad you can find it humorous today when remembering the past. Dr. Carter is right. Maybe narcissists wouldn't see the humor in a situation like that if they heard us on team healthy talking about it. So we need to be careful who we confide in.
I'll go with Safety and Sanity.
It took me a minute. But this probably is one of the reasons. Narcissists are the masters of revenge. If you disturb them they might crack (you know the phrase "walking on eggshells??") and hold you to blame subconsciously and get back at you in some miserable way.
I'm with you on that one they lack insight it will drive you Nutts tryn to convince what they have done wrong as they have no sub conciseness of what they have done
Yesterday I disagreed with my mother. She tried hard to convince me and I said “no, I don’t think so”… She began to mock the way I talk and laugh.. I just let her do that and I still didn’t agree with her. She then (like she does often) hangs up on me and sends a text saying- “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings by hanging up, but I don’t need your attitude”. 🙄 I told her “I’m not hurt but you won’t treat me that way again”. I won’t be dialoguing with her anymore. About anything. I have peace about it too.
One of the best things my psychologist ever told me was "Under the circumstances I think it's necessary to sever all ties with your mother".
My first impulse when I heard him say that was to feel shock & surprise because when it comes to family we're brainwashed by family & society that loving our parents unconditionally is compulsory.But even if they're our parents, we have to pluck toxic people out of our lives.
@@carpathianken yes, exactly true. I guess my mother kind of fears that I’ll cut her off, because she always says- “God’s word says to honor your father and mother. It doesn’t say honor them only if they’re pleasant”. I believe that’s true, but I also believe that it’s not in God’s will that we are to allow ourselves to be abused no matter who it is. Thank you for your response 🙏❤️🙏
I severed all ties with my mother when I tried to save her from a bad second marriage. I got told "I'm a big girl and I can pay my own bills" I let her. I only send a card for birthday and Christmas. Most years just leave a message on her answering machine. When I was told she wasn't doing well and wanted to see me, I just told the person I hope she got better. I fought with myself for 2 days. But felt peace once I made the reply.
It’s like ground hogs day, over and over. I would not even say a brick wall it’s like hurling yourself into a sliding glass door and bouncing off it!! I think the only satisfaction I get with interaction with a narcissist is seeing them all lathered up and angry because I stand up for myself.. seriously though it is so draining.. better to disengage and move on. 😂😊❤
My mum always said to me, if you aren't mature enough to talk about it you aren't mature enough to do it.
DIGNITY- RESPECT- CIVILITY EQUALS MY TRUTH. Proud of me.
Boomerang communication. If you tell them you are being abusive please stop they just say "you are abusive please stop". Talk with your feet and walk away. It will just drive you to drink if you don't.
🙂Team Healthy & Dr C & our little Gussy❤🧡💛💚💙
I have had that experience almost verbatim.
This alone is enough to drive someone to the brink of insanity. A huge contributing factor to a failing relationship and they are incapable of seeing it as a problem?!
Yes yes yes!! This is the story of my 40 year relationship! Your words are so healing and affirming to me. I am learning to unhook and enjoy all the other areas of my empathic life without letting those painful words I hear from my narcissist derail me as much. Still working at it, but these videos are truly restoring my soul!
I left a 40 yr Narc marriage. It’s the best thing ever to be free !!
I’m leaving a 50 year narcissistic relationship! 😊
When people show you who they are, believe them!
Being married for 24 years to a narcissist has been a very long and lonely road. No connection or communication or intimacy and yes, he’s always the victim. I finally called out his traits and asked him to please get professional help, which was utterly futile because he turned them all back on me and has decided to move to another city. So in a way, confrontation has released me. I have no interest in living with someone as dysfunctional and immature as he is. What regret I have in marrying him, yet oh my, what I have learned. Thankful to the Lord for keeping me grounded and growing in spite of it all.
Put my face on your next book or podcast with Lessons Learned Yet Standing Strong.😉💪🏼
You’re so appreciated Dr. Carter!
🙏 Amen 🙏
The ex left me once i insisted on therapy. They be like that
She can never take criticism of any kind. She never admits fault, no responsibility. When I realized she doesn't love me, things got better!
After three years, I have finally, at long last, reached sad acceptance that the narc is a pathetic, empty shell,who has never known fully trusting, deep love and attachment to another human. It’s tragic really that they will leave this life without living and loving fully. You have to disengage totally from these sad, empty people.
Staying in the light and being healthy is most important. In my thoughts I still relive narcissistic interactions and think why didn't I do a better defense. The more I learn about narcissism and how to handle it, it is recommended to not defend and not explain. Actually, you are giving them the attention they love and it could be met with rage because you are stepping on their feelings of superiority. The not defending or reacting is a much better and effective strategy. Sometimes ,I would just like to say, "you are a narcissist" but I don't because they will play the victim, rage.gaslight, gaslight and blame-shift. Not defending lets you remain in control and not as affected by them.
I do this as well. I have several narcissists in the family. Two I have no- contact with. I didnt know better five years ago and confronted those two people. They will try to destroy you. It's not always possible to go no-contact. I dont confront the other two... it does seem like they gather ammo against you every time you disagree with them. Disagreement is very threatening to these people. They will hold onto something you said and twist it to mean something else, then throw it back at you or talk behind your back.
Its the more subtle forms of gaslighting at first that I have the most trouble with. Kind of fun at first during recreation time only however it gets stale very fast. A disaster instead waiting to happen at work again after avoiding a few close calls already.
It's so sad. Can't dicuss anything beyond what the basics are Le the weather, holidays bland stuff because anything deeper gets the defensive stance. So painful and lonely to be around people you thought were close and realise the relationship is no deeper than a puddle. It's the loneliest feeling ever. They've already decided everything so they see no point in discussions and actively avoid it. I've even been shot down being told nobody talks like that
I tried discussing with my partner, I want to grow, I want to be a good person who has loving personality traits and would like them to join me. Instead I am blamed , shamed And told how I am terrible communicator and do not how to speak to them in the correct way and even told I am mentally unstable. Told they don’t care anymore because I asked them to please be considerate and show respect to what Is important to me. It leaves me feeling hurt,angry and let down. It makes me feel inadequate because they say I do t know how to communicate without blaming. I’m just trying to grow and be healthy. I am obviously on my own in trying to figure out a better way. Very much alone.
Narcissists think that the other person is THE narcissist all of the time. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Perpetrator. You just need to back off or go no contact, there isn't any logic possible.
" They are what they are." No better, or truer statement made. Thank you.
Over time and with better understanding of narcissism you begin to feel pity for them when you become wise to their motivations. This protect the ego over everything else alienates them from having meaningful relationships with anyone since any relationship that they do have is completely one sided and transactional. Pity is opposite of respect and I don't see how you can have a relationship, romantic or friendship, with someone who you don't respect. They completely self-destruct their important relationships including relationships with spouses and children. Ultimately ending up alone in old age. They victimize themselves and blame everyone else. It's complete nonsense.
I was thinking the same thing. As mentioned, they don't grow, they don't progress, they don't learn or trust or love. How can a Narcissist have anything of value when they value nothing in life? To me that's hell.
I agree, mostly. I am not sure they always end up alone in old age. I think that depends on whether they have money or some other hold on people (flying monkeys?). My mother-in-law has my father-in-law wrapped around her little finger. They married young and are about to turn 80. They grew up together, dated in high school, so he basically has been under her control for ages. He has no will outside of hers. I think she ruined his career. He was a college professor but didnt achieve much because her ambitions always superceded his. My father is a successful college prof, so I know the difference. It's always been about her. Imagine growing up with this woman, her son (my husband) developed diabetes at age .3 and instantly became the reject. She couldn't possibly have a defective child... what a nightmare! Anyway, she is not alone, but in reality she is. People are around her, but it's not out of love. So, she looks like she's not alone....
Edited for typos... 😌
I wonder if indifference is the opposite of respect instead. A level of indifference which people need to have while they are only a patient themselves needing to heal.
Dr. C's video's on the Narcissist have assisted me in coming to a peaceful realization that there just isn't any good way to have a meaningful relationship with these people. It really is okay that this is the way it is and it is no reflection on your at all. Go in peace.
#TeamHealthy
Addressing this issue is so helpful because - who hasn't thought of approaching the narcissist with love and education? Wouldn't bring that moment when they get it? Then, we might expect the longed for moment when they stop tormenting and manipulating. Then we live in peace. But, the peace is down another road.
Peace
You see the toxic co dependent dance being described in this video? Just don’t dance with the narcissist ! Don’t be co dependent with the narcissist
Thank you for pointing that out!
I'd like to say something not in relation to this title, though, but in relation to the Midweek theme that was cancelled. So, I'm putting it here now:
If you feel your life is in danger. If you feel you need to be somewhere else to be safe. If you feel at risk or threatened in your own home of reasons Only You Might Know. Is there a sence of urgency? YOUR LIFE MATTERS!!!
Thank you.
Siri
Family Safety: Information About ... Domestic Violence
Domestic violence happens when someone in your life harms you. Abuse can be physical, sexual or emotional. It includes:
Physically hurting you or your children
Threatening or trying to hurt you, your children or your property
Forcing you to have sex
Sexually abusing your children
Controlling where you go and who you see
Not allowing you or your children to have food, clothing or medical care
Keeping you from going to work or school
Following or stalking you
For more information about crisis intervention, counseling, accompaniment to police, medical and court facilities, temporary emergency shelter, and prevention and education programs, call:
The Coalition Against Domestic Violence
@@Xaxtarr_Neonraven 👍
So they are self-impressed because of their false self which covers their shame. If their shame is pricked, they inflate their pride and arrogance. And that means they can't take responsibility for the harm they do, because they are the victim.
This has taken me so long to understand. It's so illogical. How unsatisfactory it must be to live a lie, deceiving everyone around you and even yourself!
Ha! They are like a puffer fish!
The narcs in my life just love to play stupid. The more frustrated I got trying to explain these things to the the happier and stupider they seemed to get it was truly demonic.
I tried and it sure didn't work. I did set a boundary that I won't dialogue w someone like my ex who has done no introspection or been accountable. Actually very scary. I could feel his wrath beneath his request to work things out. I won't risk myself to be his target.
Sometimes you just have to shut the hell up... It's like telling the opponent what
the next move is on a game of "Battleship". You want to win the game? Then you
need to bluff your way through a game of poker. It's a game you can't afford to lose.
"go ahead and be my free self anyway"
OH, MAN. I wish I had Dr. Carter backing me up over 3 decades ago. At age 31, I FINALLY made the first step toward getting along better with my Dad, and it came after years of trial-and-error, where, frankly NOTHING else ever, ever worked. What happened was... I bought a new car. It needed a burglar alarm system installed. We set up an appointment to drop it off, and agreed I'd use Dad's car that day. After we set up the appointment, he spent half the day agitatingly saying, "Oh, wait, I'm gonna need the car that day." So I asked him if Tuesday was okay. He said yes. I re-scheduled for Tuesday. And he immediately started going on about how, "Oh, wait, I'm gonna need the car on Tuesday." I told him, look, this is going to be the LAST DAY I'm ever going to need to borrow your car. You DON'T need it for Tuesday, you can WAIT one day.
Tuesday morning, he got himself and my Mom dressed up to drive me to work. As I came down the stairs, without my saying anything, he started CURSING at me!!! I just calmly said, "I'll see you later.", walked past them, and drove to work. He didn't say a word when I got back. TWO-- YEARS-- later-- I suddenly noticed that we had slowly been getting along better. It took that long for it to sink in to him that he couldn't treat me like a 5-year-old anymore. What it took was, NOT arguing, NOT not talking, and NOT continuing to bow down to his INSANE demands every day. It took me being calm, smiling, doing what I had to, and acting like everything was okay.
These days I recognize near-identical traits in my home care clients. And it's NOT EASY. (MY best friend was right when he told me, "You deserve a raise.")
I'm sitting here nodding my head yes, through this entire video. Eye openers.
Thank God for all my fellow victims in the comment section .. it’s so frustrating that this journey is such a lonely one bcs we cannot talk to anyone in our own circles without looking like we are judgmental jerks. Some of us end up losing entire families bcs we either have to walk away from being surrounded by narcs or the narc’s enablers .. or maybe have only one non-Narc relation. And we wouldn’t want to deprive that one person of their relationship to the family but .. also have to watch them be manipulated and just pray for their emotional safety. Such a hard situation.
I learned never tell the narc they are a narc..it makes them rage and try to persuade you they're not a narc which the narcissistic behavior fits them well.
Team work with them is IMPOSSIBLE
This explains so much about my life. My parents thought that my doing anything that they would do differently as an attack. I decided to breast feed and my mother started a fistfight with me for not bottle feeding with evaporated milk. I asked for a Frosty at Wendy's and my mother told the server that I meant a root beer. I said no, I wanted a milkshake and suddenly there was a fist coming at my face.
There was nothing too small for her (or my father) to go into a rage over. It looks like they were so full of themselves that they couldn't fathom that anyone wouldn't want to be just like them in every single way. They couldn't physically fight everyone so they filled their days gossiping and making up stories about how everyone else in the world is defective. What a pathetic way to live.
What kind of woman thinks like that? 😮
@@Dj.D25 A highly abusive, narcissistic, angry one with no emotional regulation skills at all.
If she couldn't have all the attention at all times, she acted like it was literally killing her and she was fighting to save her life.
@@b.w.6535 That’s one of the reasons I sometimes find some narcissists amusing. That often times they think their way of doing things is the right way even when it’s not the norm, that virtually no one else thinks like them in certain areas. Even when their way is shown to not do them any good. But they insist everyone needs to believe like them.
Wow, sounds like my in laws. Did you get away?
Did she actually hit you at Wendy's? If so, she should have been arrested.
I found out that defending myself against the false accusations of the narcissist made me look like I am the narcissist. So I gave up. Yes even a church counselor refused to listen to the truth.
I never knew all this terminology years ago. People who like the narc and don't know their ugly side when they're being two faced really don't understand. They think YOU'RE being unreasonable by not understanding their stressful job, illness, off day, or their life happenings. When you've had it up to the back teeth. I was once told that I wasn't very tolerant 😱
Talking to the right people makes it all come together, talking to the ignorant only makes it worse.
@@RN-gx7wt Yeah. Mutual 'friends/associates' become clearer after the no contact with the narc. Several no contacts for the price of one 😉
@@amandaliverpool3374 It took me a whopping 30++ years with my parents (to peel of the wall and wait for it to crumble, self explanatory?(Towards Others) Maybe that should have worked..) what a joke it was. Imagine if you put all your effort into that, crazy making. You basically cease to exist. And trying to explain it even here you cease to exist again, people do not understand that the impact that was made there cannot even be explained in any sane way. Anyways, in your heart, you walked on, to the place where you belonged. Peace to you Amanda and you know it exists. Have a nice day. (30+ as in NC)
@@RN-gx7wt I grew up in 'atmospheres' and went from one to another. I don't think we ever end up in a 'perfect' place. But, the ability to move on is within us and we are the only ones holding ourselves back. It's those we chose to share with now that matters. YNWA ❤
@@amandaliverpool3374 Well I know right from wrong, I've had LTR(experiences) with at least +_6 years of no 'fights' lol(That contrast on its own makes me look stupidest hah.). So I have no excuses to make another round of twists, with any 'crazy' individual. I think relationships wise(rather Unwise) It came down to 3 by now. The others were okay 'normal'. At least I can be proud to say no kids where involved(as in harmed), so even if it came down to these immature relationships, my effort I think helped.(Not myself but who cares!) So 2023 has to be fun again(Including the care of course). YNWA for sure. I think if I do not do the right thing again, my body will revolt against me. So that should be taken in consideration not to fool or toy or throw away, that kind of well being just to stall myself into whatever makes a human being loveable. We all deserve the best without Questioning yourself to the core of what you are made of.
It’s the yelling rants I can’t handle in our family narc ! It is shocking
The narcissist gave up on their true-self a long time ago and now they only have their false-self to lean on. They need other's to prop their false-self up as well and you will become their enemy number one if you expose their fake persona.😡
Envy and anger are the prevailing personality traits of narcissists which are used to protect their ego. Narcissists are incapable of comprehending the redemptive qualities of healing and grace as a pathway to an understanding of good and evil. A conversation with narcissists about this is futile.
Mine used to threaten to phone the police if I asked to talk about minor things like a budget or how to talk to our kids about issues they might be having at school. 🙂
I don't see any point in trying to have a conversation with this covert narc because they all turn into another disertation on how he's right and perfect and I'm wrong. This is intertwined with more lies. It's pointless and exhausting. I don't play anymore.
Thank you Dr. Carter and Gus! ❤️
Any attenpt to confront and shoe the narcisist a different point of view is doomed to fail. Those people are pathological defensive since they are so self-impressed and then feel victimised everytime they do not get their way. It is impossible to connect with them. Thank you dr Carter. God bless you.
This is what made me so sad; There was no having a productive conversation with him where we'd come to a real understanding. I felt for him, I really did. He'd been through so much in his life and really was a pretty lonely person. It hurt my heart to have to tell him that I just couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't keep drowning myself to make him happy. It was the most heartbreaking thing to tell him I love him but I had to be alone and leave him on his own. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live a life controlled by someone else, constantly walking on eggshells and still accidentally doing something wrong that upset him. He drove me in circles anytime I'd try to talk with him about things, until he made me feel so crazy that I'd just break down and bawl my eyes out. Then he'd hug me and tell me he was there for me... not sorry or having an understanding. He'd make me cry just to be the "hero".
As my ex is dying I guess I tried to express love when he said he may end treatment. I was loving and supportive. He bit my head off. So sad. His false self is flourishing w hospice care. Good for him. It won't be me.
I guess he'll go to his grave angry.
It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting 🖤
I am currently mourning the loss of a longstanding friendship of over 30 years. I am slowly beginning to realise how toxic the friendship had become. I am having schema therapy with my psychologist. I think I have an abandonment schema (among other schemas) from childhood. This friend was a bit like my mother. Every thing was black and white. She wasn't a narcissist. I think she just got a big shock when one day I stood up to her. Funny how people who can dish it out can't handle it when it's dished out to them.
Oh that is what it is called. My therapist explained it to me in simpler terms. I didn't know there was a whole treatment modality with that name for it.
I never could figure out why I'd try to discuss things with the N but always came away feeling more confused and nothing resolved. Realizing it's not me is so validating.
Someday I'll have a conversation with a healthy partner and come in prepared for battle!😅
Words that are simply not in the narc's vocabulary:
Humility
Accountability
Resolution
Shame
Empathy (except when it's just for show)
Self-reflection
Self-awareness
Self-control
Maturity
Sincerity
Authenticity
Discipline
Sacrifice
No narcissists will admit they are. They will talk that others are, but not them.
"be your own healthy self anyway" even if they are not on the boat with you. Beautiful reminder!
All of this is exactly right! When a narcissist is serving us they will only do what makes them feel comfortable, if we ask them to not do something that is not helpful they go into a rage. This tells me this person was not really helping us but for their own good feelings about themselves. If they did things for us they would not be angry when we asked them to do something a different way.
yes, I agree about quietly keeping your autonomy, it's what I did and still do.
I have dealt with this all my adult years with a sibling. I didnt know why she was so abrasive and offensive until I discovered channels like this. There is no filter with individuals of this nature. They are always right in their minds and no one will convince them otherwise. They will say hurtful things with the guise of "just joking" or "keeping it real" with no remorse of how it makes others feel. Save your efforts AND your sanity....they are a brick wall when it comes to self-reflection and listening to someone else's point of view. Love them from a distance and response rather than react.... its the only way to save yourself
Wow, you have just described my entire relationship with my wife. My problem is she will not relate to any of it. I think it's a main issue with dealing with any narcissist. No one wants to realise they are one.
Trying to discuss narcissism with a narc would bring out the holy terror BS - not worth it - and would never work.
This is a huge problem area that appears to mess-up all ability to build solutions to issues, or even discuss life matters, and / or simple spiritual or technical matters. It’s impossible. We need some way to get past this block. they simply can’t talk about anything!
The Ex in a nutshell. After a while it was me who was the limiting factor in the relationship: 'How much "Off-the-table-itis" can I endure?' Now I can't tolerate even an ounce of this behavior.
Dr. C, I get so much validation from your educational videos. These N-people (a parent, ex-spouses) have made me feel nuts and frustrated my entire life! Each bit of knowledge I learn about "their ways", I just can't unsee it. They really don't "get" anything at all, and least of all themselves. Thank you for doing what you do. Loved and highly recommend your book, When Pleasing You Is Killing Me. Great writing style, organization, and such an easy read without a bunch of professional jargon. Thank you! ❤️
Yes, you can discuss it with them. You call them out on their BS for what it is and then whenever they try to spin it back as you you call that out and mock them for it. You have to make it absolutely clear for life that their games do not work and they will only get them called out and laughed at for trying.
It's a variant of the old saying, "The one thing stupid can understand is pain." "The one thing narcissists understand is humiliation."
The maneuver is initially not easy to master and will take loads of learning how formal debate and communication work and what scripts your specific narc follows. But, once you have the foundation down they can't get under you no matter what yet you can knock them down with ease every time.
Favourite phrases of a narcissist:
“Why are YOU always such a nuisance? You make me sick!”
“Why is everything always MY fault?”
So much for dialogue.
Thank you Dr. C. Thank you for helping me to see the truth and for connecting past behaviors of my narcissistic family. I am comforted knowing that I was not crazy, just surrounded by mentally ill people who were incapable of love, growth, happiness, kindness , and many many other things.
EVERYTHING I tried to talk about using very carefully chosen times, words etc became to him a criticism & it would’ve turned back on me that I was insensitive!! After many years of this, I was a shell of what I used to be, he said I never talked, REALLY!! Wonder why??? I broke free & said no more. He already had someone on the back burner; he played like he tried sooo hard to work on us but I just wouldn’t go along!! Most of any sessions we had was him trying to get the therapist to fix ME!! In the one on one sessions I had, each of the 3 therapists we had told me I was dealing with a narc, which I had really no idea what that meant!!! But I began researching & learning what to do for myself & he realized I wasn’t going back to the old me & then worked harder @ working the new supply so he could jump over to another gullible female to take care of him!!!
In some ways narcissists seem too scared to think about what might be important to other people. Just this continual fear, as if they were drowning, and how to deal with their fear.
Narcissists are entitled and demanding, as are we all, but I think there is a difference. Narcissists demand that you accommodate them, serve them, follow them, obey them, but for non-narcissists we are entitled to our own thoughts, feelings, desires, goals and aspirations and we demand that these be respected and not imposed upon.
Usually it is the difference between "you need to do this because I know what's best for you or I have a right to impose upon you for my benefit and anything you do for me is actually for your benefit, and I have excuses and reasons why I'm always right and never wrong;" and conversely "please give me some room, I cannot accommodate you at the moment, please let it go, please stop demanding from me when my health becomes compromised, please be on time, please pick up after yourself, please stop walking all over me" etc.
Is it wrong to demand not being demanded of?
One thing with a narcissist though, after all the arguments, after all the hard feelings, nothing will ever change and nothing will ever get resolved. You will still have to pick up after them, and that too is the difference; you accept responsibility regardless of their irresponsibility, as they will never accept responsibility and never do anything wrong regardless of the consequences.
When reality doesn't match delusion, accepting other's delusions can result in a disconnect from reality, hard feelings, sickness and conflict, and these are the stakes wagered, but I'm uncertain that anything can be won worth the wager risked.
There’s Gus just being his cute little self.
He just can't help but be chill.
I Always wondered where that attitude of us being opponents came from! Thank you for explaining it so clearly. I sure do wish I knew I was dealing with a narcissist when my ex and I began things.
Don't we all!
The bottom line is that you will NEVER get anywhere discussing ANYTHING with a narcissist. The only thing you will get are criticisms, projection, denial, rage.
I’m guessing you might share more than just the two reasons, DrC. No doubt one reason is because of how society has decided to lay claim to the word “narcissist.” It’s used as a negative label instead of a descriptive determination or diagnosis. Narcissists can’t get past the idea that they’ve been called a “bad name” when in reality it’s simply a word to describe a combination of patterned behaviors. Another reason (definitely not the two primary reasons, I’m sure) is because why would you want to? It does absolutely NO GOOD to discuss narcissism with a narcissist. I don’t get it… a person with cancer welcomes help with ridding themselves of the cancer… a person with anxiety welcomes help with ridding themselves of the anxiety, depression, hair loss, warts, hiccups- you name it… most people want to rid themselves of the things that cause them or their loved ones problems. Don’t mention the word “narcissism” to a narcissist or their problem becomes a gazillion times more your problem and their narcissism spreads quicker than cancer and can become highly contagious.
This is what baffles me too! Like why can't we just talk about this elephant in the room, you know, the one that is squishing everyone to death or making them so uncomfortable they leave? How can narcs not see that they are the root of the problem when nearly every relationship they have ends badly? I just want to shake them and ask, what are the chances EVERYONE else is the problem? It's so futile and it is like a cancer. Sad!!
@@chelleb3055 it can’t be talked about because of many reasons, like i said… one of those reasons is our society has made the word “narcissist” equivalent to “son of a ______” or “bass turd” or any other highly offensive term to describe someone not liked. I certainly wouldn’t want to enter into a discussion with someone who is calling me such negative labels. I get that part of it. Surely you do as well. To address the other part of your comment… not all narcissist destroy every relationship. It’s been my experience that some are so conniving and selective that they choose a scapegoat and then have several to many flying monkeys who either gang up on the narcissist’s targeted person or they simply dismiss the target whether to please the narcissist or to avoid becoming the next target themselves. You don’t have to shake them. They know exactly what they’re doing. It’s an addiction. A literal addiction. The high they get from being so controlling is the same high addicts get from being able to control their need for their next fix. What i don’t get is real addicts want help and would not turn it down if offered. Not so with narcissists. Pride strangles them as they themselves gladly hold the rope.
You can't tell a narcissists anything because they can't take the fact something might be wrong with them!
There's lots of reasons. Dr C did say the two *primary* ones!!
@@metatechnologist 🎯
Remember this: there's so much you do NOT owe a narcissistic abuser.
"when you engage"
Between Dr. Carter, my friend at the Post Office, and my chiropractor, I have learned CONSISTENTLY that the thing to do is NOT engage, and, if you are, DIS-engage.
This week, I actually spent half my time at work (during stretches where my home care clients had nothing for me to do) simply sitting in my chair silently, with my EYES CLOSED TIGHT. Because it sure seems every time I get into a conversation, it somehow GOES WRONG before you know it, and almost always, in ways that make zero sense.
It's a waste of my best talent, but at the moment, it's more important that I get thru the week with my sanity intact.
Thank you so much for your video's. My narcissist siblings have caused so much chaos over the years l automatically pulled away ,and 5 years ago moved away & broke all ties with them for my sanity. I'm told their chaos between themselves is still as bad , if not worse than ever. l have such peace that I've never had before. It was hard to stop communicating with them, but it was the right thing to do.
Once again, your video described my former friend. I thought of her as the older sister I never had. At first glance, I thought she truly was a kindred spirit that would be in my life for an extended period of time. Let's call her “Molly.” When I met Molly, I was a naive early 20-something with very little life experience. She was in her early forties with two small children, and in a very unstable marriage and on an extended “sabbatical” from her job (code for she was lazy, unemployed and believed she was “too good” to work a regular job). Because I used to let my empathy override my brain, I helped her out when she needed money. It turned into a lot of give with no reciprocation. Molly rarely ever paid me back in full. When I pressed her to remit what she owed me, the mask slipped. What I saw was horrifying: an insecure, spiteful, hateful, cruel (and dare I say it) evil overbearing middle school mean girl trapped in a middle-aged woman's body. It was at that point that she started meddling in my life and trash-talking me (smear campaign) to anyone who would listen, specifically her flying monkeys. Social media was still new at the time and they were all on my friends list. She used them to spy on me because she was dead convinced I was talking about her. I couldn't understand that because, while, at first, I thought she was a cool person, until the conflict started, I didn't think she was that interesting. I made the mistake of telling her that. The stage-four meltdown that ensued because of my blunt response is still something I remember and this is more than 15 years later. When I called her out on gossiping about me, she became immediately defensive. It was always a case of “miscommunication” or a “misunderstanding.” Even then, I noticed something with her just didn't add up. When I asked her something along the lines of: “Why is it everyone else always has you ‘all wrong’ or they're the ones who are misunderstanding you or they are the ones misconstruing things? Everybody can't be that dumb,” she went off and hung up on me. Little did I know, during the time period that I was spared her emotional tirade, she was trash-talking me depicting me as mean and describing me an extremely hurtful expletive filled ways solely because I had challenged her narrative, because I dared call her out. I wasn't trying to be malicious, I simply had asked a question and she couldn't handle that I had apparently hit the nail right on the head. It's also worth pointing out, she had to go and do what I call the reverse version of the smear campaign: damage control. Because I was her then supply, she feared losing me. She knew that the more people she trash-talked me to, the possibility of them getting to me and relaying what she had said, had gone significantly up. It's worth pointing out, all of her supply including several of her flying monkeys knew what a high maintenance pain in the butt she was. This is where I started to find out that she was not as nice as she seemed. She actually had the nerve to say to my face, “if I can say it behind your back I can say it to your face.” I shot her down stating that she never said anything to my face. Of course, this led to a fight and more character assassinations against me. The number of atrocities Molly committed against me, include, but are not limited to and in no particular order, are: as stated, borrowing gobs of money from me that she had no intention of ever returning, spreading an entirely false rumor that I had caught an STI from a one-night stand, outing me to my estranged extremely conservative homophobic Italian Roman Catholic father (my father and I already had a rocky relationship, but what she did widened an already irreparable rift which led to him disowning me), had the nerve to try and turn the day my father died into one of her spotlight performances and when I shut her down, she had the audacity to say, and I quote, “Well, you two never got along anyway“ and, weeks later, she pretended she didn't trample all over my grieving process and not so subtly asked (demanded) I share my non-existent inheritance with her because she had lost yet another job due to poor attendance. Why? Because: “we're friendssssss!” I told her in no uncertain terms that friends don't treat people the way she treated me. She pouted and ended the call.
Given these examples, I had learned of an exercise that psychiatrist's have their patients do: take a piece of paper and write down in one column, the good about the person in question and in the other side column, the bad. If the bad outweighs the good, that's when you need to come up with a plan. If the good outweighs the bad, then it's up to you on whether or not you want to let the bad dictate the direction of your relationship.
Well, I did this and I had pages, and I mean PAGES of toxic, boundary-trampling behavior that Molly had done to me. Once I realized that our relationship was nothing more than transactional (Molly had exploited me because I had a resource she needed and thus treated me like I was the light of her life), it was like a switch flipped. I hovered between tears and rage for a while but it eventually gave way to indifference. Fortunately, she had moved out of state and I didn't see her or hear from her anymore because it wasn't convenient for her to contact me everyday. She had found new supply elsewhere. Still, I jumped every time I got a notification from her. The whole “what the hell does she want now” reaction. Before experiencing the utter lack of respect she had for me after losing a parent to cancer, I thought there was hope for her. Seeing that Molly didn't care AT ALL that I was grieving and feeling mixture of emotions, because she was right, my father and I did not get along, but it was not her place to say, it showed she had zero empathy for anyone or anything. Not even her children. She had the nerve to say I had been a jerk and mean to everyone because I was displacing my grief over my father. Those she whined to, were understandably aghast that she couldn't even show a drop of sympathy towards me during that trying time period. When it got back to me, naturally, Molly denied ever saying such a thing, but her nervous insistence was a dead giveaway. I told her, she was lucky she wasn't standing in front of me because I would have knocked her lights out. That scared her.
I purged my life of every single one of her flying monkeys, blocked all of them on my social media. Fortunately, none of them had my cell phone number. Molly had no awareness whatsoever and never committed anything to memory, unless she could use it later on to manipulate someone for her own gain. She didn't even notice that I had gone no-contact and changed my number until she tried to call me (about five months after the fact) to let me know that a mutual acquaintance had unexpectedly passed away. Never one to not put her incessant need for attention above everyone else (including her own children) or turn everything that happens into a story about herself, Molly demonstrated how deeply unhinged she was/is by tracking down my widow mother's phone number and called her trying to find me. When my mom told me that Molly had called her to inform me that our mutual acquaintance had died then quickly segued into turning his death into a story about her and then tried to get my mom to verbally bash me during one of her infamous bitch sessions, my mom let her have it. A little fact about my mom: she is a German-Jew native New Yorker with a very big mouth. She takes absolutely no crap and makes Judge Judy Sheindlin seem like a cream puff by comparison.
My mom was understandably appalled that Molly had so little class to use someone else's death to talk about herself and called my former friend something that rhymes with selfish trucking grunt, told her I blocked her on everything for reasons that were “already well known to her” and to f*ck off. According to Mom, this reduced Molly to tears (“She wailed like a baby!”) and the call was immediately ended.
Never one to give up easily (unless it involved obtaining and maintaining employment), Molly went to a mutual friend (someone who I was eventually able to wake up to her toxic ways and also went no-contact with her) and tried to commiserate with him about how she had been disrespected and denied the one thing she wanted the most: my attention. He said that Molly threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed a toddler. She demanded that he block me and cut me off to show solidarity with her. He said she verbally bashed me and tried to make me out to be this horrible person, but she, of course, totally forgot that he had known me long before he had known her and knew all of what she was telling him was false. He refused to do what she demanded of him but she repeatedly bugged him to check my social media. She ORDERED him to spy on my social media to see if I was talking about her. He refused, stating that she wasn't as interesting as she thinks she is. She got offended by that, too. This was the beginning of the end for the two of them as he had never seen her behave like, in his words, such “a crazy b*tch” before. I had seen it many times, but I imagine in my friend's case, seeing a 50+-year-old mother and grandmother throw an absolute hissy fit, because she didn't get her way, must have been quite the unnerving sight.
It's been over eight years and I haven't heard from her since. I imagine she thinks about me quite often because I was one of the few who got away and beat her at her own game.
IT WILL GET YOU NOWHERE but it WILL get you MORE isolation and abuse! You have let the MONSTER know you are on to THEM!
-Low level of self awareness
-Self-impressed
-Victim's mindset
-Fear-based
-Don't trust others
-Shame-based
-High need for certainty
-Treat people as adversaries
-Can't receive constructive criticism
-Denial and projection
No amount of trying to help them understand your point will get through to them, if it means that they are wrong or flawed. They do not accept that kind of input.
No contact.
I heard a great Irish saying recently which I think sums up narcissists very well, 'he leaves his fiddle at the door' 🎻
They don't understand that you have to (know) the times when you can and can't talk to them. You're constantly walking on eggshells because anything can set them off! My narc would ask me flat out "why I was talking to her?" Told me that l never talked to her unless I wanted something. Gave up trying to make her understand that sisters talked to each other. Said she didn't care and to leave her alone....
Whenever you try to convince them otherwise, it just becomes one big game to them. Exactly. I told him what a hypocritical two face bad friend he was and he just spun it so he was the victim and I am the miserable one. So done with that.
True
"One big, huge game to them." Thank you once again for sharing your expertise, Les. And hey now, Gus!
I broke up with my narcist ex girlfriend but she was still living in my house for a few weeks. I was watching your videos about narcism on UA-cam on the tv in the living room. She found out I was watching these movies and she started to post on her instagram thing like ‘how hard it is to live with a narcist’
There will be no rational discussion and reasoning with a narcissist. Denial is their middle name. Even when you give proof, evidence, screenshots, etc. Even when you have witnesses and catch them in the act, they will deny until YOU are blue in the face. Within seconds, they’ll turn it around on you with lies. Best way to overcome a narcissist, don’t discuss, get off their game board, gray rock like you’re a professional at it!
I think one of the only ways a narcissist could be truely punished would be to - make an exact copy (like a clone). Lock the two together in a jail cell and let them argue and project etc etc on to each other forever.
Amazing, that’s what this video is!
I wasted more time “talking” with my narcissistic wife earlier today before seeing this, and it all hits home!
I have been threatened with divorce, cops and lawyers for over six years now whenever she doesn’t get her way. Of course none of them ever show up.
Since I told her I quit the relationship about a year ago now, she claims I don’t want to work on the relationship. Just ten minutes before seeing this vid I told her essentially what she is saying is “I’m willing to forget all the lies, threats and intimidation I’ve thrown at you, why aren’t you?” And of course it just doesn’t compute with her.
Before any of you ask why I’m still with her, like many people I have been unemployed the past couple years due to policy. When the time is right I’m getting out of Dodge!
Stay healthy everyone and keep smiling.
Yes, it is definitely a lost cause. Blessings from California, Dr. C 🐕🦺
Scenarios: Calling someone a narcissist if they ARE means they clap back and call you one as they release their fury on you. Calling someone a narcissist if they ARE NOT (but know about narcissism) means the caller may have revealed their own projected tendencies, and the receiver can smile, knowing their game. Calling someone a narcissist when they are not (when they DON’T know about it) means the caller may still be projecting, and while the receiver may initially be gaslit, they will likely research to understand. And then they will know, and see the narcissist for who they really are.
In a way, calling someone narcissistic is a lose-lose scenario.
You got it, Aaron!!
Have a great day Dr. Carter and team healthy
I can see how some could get emotional after living it, then having you explain exactly how it is to live a life with abusive people.
These people can cause so much damage. If it is your grown child that learned these traits from the other parent ( I divorced his father many years ago ) it seems you have to use some of these same tools when going through betrayal trauma as well correct? All this comes with the journey so to speak. I wish you would talk about this too, since we are now dealing with the cancel generation with these traits. These kids are losing empathy, from what I observe through video games, movies, music, bad parenting, internet, and so forth. I am in my 60’s, and I have watched the changes over the years. We have lost the contol, and created little entitled, brats. Unfortunately, some learn these traits from parents, but I truly believe some traits like this are hardwired. I never would have dreamed so many kids would be this way, but I see more, and more kids become narcissist ( or worse) these days, with one parent or the other in so much stress, their health can be damaged to the point it can be permanent. Guess what? The kids don’t care! They think it is a game. There needs to be a trauma retreat place for these situations to learn tools to heal with. Any ideas, or do we just have online things now? Thanks for all your work to help others. These videos are a blessing.
My mother is unapproachable. I have tried talking with her several times in the last year. She has hung up the phone on me, screamed at me and refused to respond when I texted her about what she was doing to me. She's in her 70's. I had a horrible childhood. She was divorced by the time I was 4. I remember when I was 5-8 yrs old and accidently spilling a cup of milk, cup of water and/or food a few times.....Then the raging, screaming, yelling and cussing from her followed. Fat shamed when in elementary school. She talked horrible about me to family and her so-called friends. I never did anything right. She kept her house spotless. I taught myself how to cook and would do dishes in middle school. She would come home from work and went straight to the kitchen to inspect the clean dishes I washed then would find the smallest speck or smudge on a pan and would slam the dishes back in the sink while screaming and cussing me out. When I was in middle school she would come home from work, go to the kitchen and unplug the phone from the wall and lock me in the house (back and front doors had deadbolt locks which required a key to get out of the house) and she literally physically took the phone with her. She would be gone for usually 3 hours. This was in the 80's when cell phones didn't exist. So I had no way of calling anyone or getting out of the house if there was any kind of emergency. She was punishing me by cutting off my contact with anyone because that was how she remained in control. I was in sports (which I got myself into when I was in 7th, 8th and 9th grade. Never once did she show up to any of my games. Shamed me when I started wearing make-up (said...."you're eyes look like spider legs" apparently, she didn't like the way I looked with mascara). I was never praised. If I got a C on my report card, I got....that's not good enough...you could've got an A. Had a boyfriend in high school. He was over and my mom wasn't home yet. He said, hey, let's fold these bath towels (clean towels on top of drier) for your mom. I replied, no, because they won't be folded the right way. He laughed at me and thought I was kidding. Mom came home and saw the folded towels on the drier and screamed, "Who in the hell folded these G-dam towels?" I responded "He did. You can thank him for folding the towels." She just glared fire through her eyes at me. I said to my boyfriend at that time....."See? I told you that you wouldn't fold the towels the right way." His jaw about dropped to the floor. Had her physically abuse me several times also. 11th grade she grabbed me by my hair and knocked me to the floor and dragged down the hallway to my bedroom and shoved me because I said something she didn't like. That was the last time she physically abused me because I had had enough of her abuse and I fought back. She loved to show her control over me in front of people (my boyfriend at the time and her boyfriend witnessed that one. She got better after I moved out. Here it is 30 some odd years later and her mental and psychological abuse is back. Gas lighting me. Attempting to undermine me as parent in front of my 2 adult aged sons. She made a suggestion about putting a shelf in my garage and I told her I didn't want a shelf on that wall. She responded with her nasty tongue clicking while giving me a filthy nasty look and then rolling her eyes. (She doesn't like others having their own way of thinking or doing things because she thinks her way is the only way. She likes for people to see her as "PERFECT". Like her perfectly manicured lawn. She said, her neighbors are jealous and try to compete with her. Sorry to break it to her, but she's delusional. If only she worked on the way she treats others as hard as she did on her spotless house and perfectly manicured yard was all her life. LMAO. So, I was watching my 16mth old grandson and my mother was over. She was holding him and she took her glass of ice water and put it on his bare skin on his leg. I immediately said, "what are you doing?" She replies, "I just wanted to see his reaction." I responded, "What is wrong with you and how do you think he's going to react? That's abuse." She just looked at me with a smirk on her face. So, then I went out to my garage and the baby monitor was on and in my garage and I witnessed her taking her glass of ice water and putting it on his bare skin again... then cradle and rock him back and forth in her sick attempt to comfort him. Funny is she didn't notice the baby monitor camera that was pointed in the direction of her. She noticed it about 15 minutes after I came back in my house and she got quiet, looked at the camera a couple times and then asked, "Is that baby monitor on?" I responded. "No, it's not on now." Which it wasn't at the time she asked me. I had to tell my son about it. The wicked witch has returned. I guess she thought it was her right to also barge in my 18yr. Old son's bedroom when he had his door shut. I told her, If someone is in their bedroom, which is their private space and has the door shut, you need to have some respect by knocking on his door and waiting until he responds before you go barging in his room." She would also cut me off when I was asked a question by people and she would then start answering for me... I have also been told by others that she has talked about me behind my back.. Why? Because she's in some type of delusional one sided competition with herself to get others validation and attempt to cover up her nasty wicked ways. She just acts like she is in charge, almost like she's reverting back to the old days.. mirroring me at times.. I have been no contact a little over 2 months now because of her increasingly gas lighting me and disrespect that has increased immensely over the last year or so.. A person can only take so much. She changed her phone number. She did that so she'd have an excuse to tell people I haven't talked to her and I'm the one with issues and cause her drama and victimhood with her flying monkeys. I hope she enjoys herself. The abuse will no longer be tolerated.
You deserve so much better.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you. You're videos are helping me immensely! Thank you for doing what you do!
Everything I ever said to the narcissist a few days or weeks later he tried to pin back on me. At one point I said "for a while I thought you were bipolar" (because super happy one day, super cold and angry the next...), he said his ex said the same... then a few months later he's accusing me of being bipolar... and so on, any time I ever tried communicating anything about his behavior, it's impossible to make progress, reach an understanding, present a concept to them, do personal growth... They can fake to hear what you're saying and pretend to change for a while, for a few days, until they get mad again over nothing and the cycle starts again... the horror!
Thank you, the more I listen the more I understand about both my children. My son drug addiction, who hasn't used in over 20 yrs, still has the narcissist behaviors. Then my daughter who I just didn't see it for a long time til listen to your pod cast. Just because you don't use drugs doesn't mean you do not have that behaviors. She was married to a drug addiction. It Aldo took her to estranged me to see my play in part of this. I had been abused and raped in my past. I never choose drugs or alcohol, I chose bad relationships. I was raised I was no one without a man, and I choose bad men. Not all. Since my children have there own. Family and estranged me, I stopped dating. It has been freedom for me. Now that I am 65 yr old. I see my play in there lives. I just miss my grandchildren so much. Thank you for all u educate us. 🙏
Don’t need 2 reasons but should be another great vid!