I was never “allowed” to know exactly how much money was coming and going. My opinion NEVER mattered even when it cane down to huge financial decisions. He would ALWAYS go against what I thought. He led a double life. Thank God I’m out and now have peace. I’m rebuilding myself slowly but surely. Anyone who is going through this please know you can rise above this 💜
Dori Berry my mom was like this she would spend ALL the money on dope and alcohol whilst I had no food and school clothes and was bullied for that! I am a compulsive money maker to this day because I'm scared to live in lack and be homeless again!
Slightly different, but my sister , I don’t speak to, has sold our parents house after dad died, and made a great loss of £60,000. 🇬🇧 . She did it deliberately to ensure I don’t inherit a penny. I haven’t discussed the matter with her as yet, but will do after mum dies. She is going to know what a devious covert Narc she is.
@@SurvivingNarcissism + Susan and so it goes,.. Its so hard to believe,.. So? No one believes it! Including their victims,. You don't expect it when its disguised as a parent, spouse, etc,.. Its like telling young children about the Boogie Man or Stranger Danger,.. I remember when one turned into the other from a child to parenting children,.. Neither moniker depicts what they look like,.. It seems as if terrible people would "look" terrible,.. Nothing could be further from the reality or the truth,..
Yes! My narc ex used to say that I didn't own anything in our home anymore because I stopped working so everything was now his... Also during an argument he said "you dont have any say in this house because you dont pay rent".. and the worst was when we broke up.. he blackmailed me that I couldnt take certain stuff and if I did I would have to give back all the gifts he bought me over the years.. it's crazy how obsessive they get over stuff.. (even things I bought when I did have a job or got as a gift from my parents).. I left so many things behind just to avoid even more arguing..
I was required to make a list before I went to the store. When I came back, I was not allowed to take the bags out of the car so he could inspect that I wasn't "hiding anything". He reviewed the receipt against the list to make sure that I didn't get cash over. I never really had any cash, he would confiscate any cash saying, "I had the cards"..yet I was not allowed to spend on anything that he didn't know about, including getting myself a new nightgown because mine had holes in the shoulders! We had to have a "discussion" about it, and the future fake was, "wouldn't it be better if you wait till we pay off the car, and then I can give you $100 so you can go to the mall and get what you really want?" I told him "NO! I need a nightgown now!" So he goes, well, when your next check comes in we'll see about it". It was so upsetting to me that he could care less that I was wearing a holy nightgown! My sister ended up buying me one, and had it shipped to me, and I had to call it her birthday present to me. Once I was out, and free, it was very hard for me to be "ok" with buying myself anything. I do now, but at first it was hard.
Thank You! :D Yes...I knew it was wrong, didn't know about NPD until AFTER he went to jail for battery by strangulation. Yes..it went that far. I felt like a slave to his whims, and fantasies of grandeur. He threatened me with burning the house down, in order to make me stay, also suicide was another threat. I'm out a year and a half now. It took a while for me to "find me" again. I went to 10 months of counseling with a great therapist. :D
The older a victim is, the harder it is to bounce back financially. The narcissist will never be fair, abide by the court orders or keep his promises. I'll never forget those words my ex said, "when I'm finished with you, you'll be living under a bridge with nothing but the clothes on your back". Oh yes, he stole everything including the dirty clothes. He had no remorse about stealing from his own special needs child. His sense of entitlement made him feel I owed him my inheritance, which he manipulated and outright stole from me. I feel it was all a set-up from day 1 just to destroy me. Looking back, he made me feel financially trapped early in the relationship with our so-called lifestyle. Then it was being a SAHM. No matter what I did to make extra money, I was never allowed to take credit for my work. For over 20 years, I was so afraid to leave even though the abuse went from mental to physical. I've been no contact for 5 years now but still am in the anger phase. I'm broken, my children are broken and even though they are adults now, they still cling to me.
Wow!!!! You have just spoken my entire marriage of 24 years that I’m trying to escape from!!!! You are not alone, it’s been a 2 year divorce so far & he continually violates court orders; I am still in the anger phase also & can’t seem to get past it because it’s a constant fight or flight. We have a special needs child also he outright refuses to support. I thought it was just me who couldn’t move past it, but this video makes me feel validated.
One of the things that attracted me to my wife was how good she seemed to be with money. Turns out that was a huge lie. I let her take care of the finances and we ended up with nothing. Bills went up, we had zero at the end of the month, bills went down, we still had zero. I would get a raise, still zero left over. Work overtime, still zero. I opened a separate savings account just so I could save something since having nothing makes me very insecure. We took out a loan to get new siding. The money is gone with no accounting and we still need siding! I tried to get through to her several times with logic and reasoning, but of course it's always my fault. I don't make enough money, which may be true, but I've become convinced that any amount will never will be enough. This was before I realized that she was a narcissist or what narcissism is. Thank you for videos like this, it helps me to feel like I'm not crazy
I didn’t even know what financial abuse was until a few years ago. My narc admittedly sabotaged my career, and every job I had during the marriage. Then he constantly played the work-horse role, as if I didn’t want to work! When I made money, he took it. When I had assets, he sold them. He basically destroyed my ability to make money, and our life could have been so much easier if I’d made the money he makes. But that’s a narc for you. They’ll screw themselves out of more joy, security, and assets, just to screw you. That’s why they’re so scary.
My mom would raise my rent every time I increased my income. She would tell me that she was only eating twice a day because she couldn't afford food, that she couldn't fix her car or change the oil regularly, etc. One day I accidentally saw her monthly benefits check when she dropped it in the driveway. She was receiving nearly double what I was making, working part time as well, and then taking every extra penny I had so that I was the one who was skipping meals to be able to afford new shoes, etc. That was the moment I began to believe my therapist and recognize the abuse and the lies.
My mother was similar. I worked graveyard shifts as a caretaker for the elderly, but never received any salary as she said "it's your payment for rent, food, etc." I was attending school full-time at a local college and also working at a bank processing center during weekends. She wanted to also get my salary from that, but I put my foot down on it, which she didn't like one bit. She stole all the jewellery my grandma bequeathed to me and pawned them off. I ended up marrying someone similar to her, but opposite of overt.
The following happened to me: my dad was arrested and went to jail for about a couple years, making my mother a newly single mom. She said she had trouble w the rent. I said I could help with about 400-500 dollars that wasn't good enough for her. She wanted from 900 to 1000. I was about 18/19 years old a college freshman and using my money for books, bus passes uber, school supplies and occasionally food. So it's not like i was lazy or entitled. Then she forced me to make a post on Craigslist helping her find a roomate, I said okay. She didn't speak English which is why she made me do it. Anyways I got a lot of responses and she seemed r lly interested in a girl that wanted to rent the room whose name was Betty. So my mom told me to stay in contact w betty and get the details and think about letting her have the room. Betty told me she was someone out of state and that she was moving to Cali to enter a master's program or something and that her father could send me a check to cover her rent for 6 months. So I get a check for about $3600. When i get a check in the mail betty tells me to send about half of it back so she can ship her car and other stuff over here. And then right before she asked me to send it, she told me to actually send it to Africa because her father there was on a trip or something. I tell my mom all this and tell her it sounds sketchy as fuck and the I do t think we should do it but she pressures me and makes me do it anyway. It turns out this betty is fake and a scammer and the bank alerted me it was a fake check. Since I had enough in my bank account to cover the charges ( I had 1800 in savings because I was saving for a car) I didn't get in any trouble with the bank but I was out of 1800 now. Then she my mom ended up getting a freind to cover part of the rent and all was well for a couple months. But then her friend moved out. So my mom said she was going to get a second job, she didn't, she ended up just going out with random men and partying and when I spoke to my dad on the phone she asked me to lie to him and tell him that she was working an extra night job and THTS y she couldn't answer the phone. When i called her out on this she said she was hanging out with men for me and my siblings for money. Lies. She just wanted to sleep around and be a how. She would even show me text messages where she was telling men that if they wanted a date w her they'd have to pay. One of the men was like no I can't pay u for dates I have kids in college but if u want I could start a cleaning service business with you. This wasn't good enough for my mother. She continued going out with men and sneaking around. Anyways we could pay the rent and I was on a lease I n the apartment with her, leading our names to go to collection and end up getting nearly evicted. I move out, finding a room for just me. Then she tells me I need to help her pay storage I give her 100 dollars. Then when I am about to move again she needs another 100 to 200 dollars because she's getting an apartment with a boyfriend of hers, when he said she could live with him in his sisters house rent free. She didn't care, she still wanted money from me a broke college student with a now ruined credit score. I now live with my fiancee and some other roommates but still have changed credit, no car and owe about 4000 dollars in collections from the apartment. She also didn't get me drivers ed as a kid even though we were okay financially but now that she's on welfare she gonna get my 15 yr old brother driving lessons, when she didn't do that for me and I'm nearly 22, barely got my drivers liscence because my fiancee taught me, my mother discouraged me from driving
When your married to a narc and your the sole provider you need to hide some of your income as the narc will expect you to either give it to them or spend it on the.
Yes! This guy I was dating was ALWAYS asking me for money. I'm a single mom. He was a perfectly healthy young man and could work for more money if he needed it. He would have a HUGE problem when I would tell him no.
Underemployed, refusing to look for work, dropping out of school...trying to make you panic and fix it for the family. Thank God I figured it out. Thank you for your videos.
Still finding my way, too. These are wonderful videos...the best I have found. It's as if each one of them was made for ME. I'm very grateful that I found this website last night....after finding wicked things that my narcissist mother left in my mailbox...while riding by to stalk me yet again. These people are really sick, and they call US the "crazy ones." Everything in this world is backwards or upside down.
Thank you for this video- I finally feel validated & understood & no longer alone!! This video describes my life. My son & I have been reduced to nothing financially due to my narc husband smh
My ex was a millionaire doctor. When we got married within one month, he put me on a budget and then gave me a check once a month--then he did not take a salary. It barely covered expenses. He also refused to get a life insurance policy to take care of me--he was 20 years older than I. He controlled the finances in our marriage and I thereby refused to give up my career and continued to work much to his dismay. I also filed tax returns separately. Another reason I was glad to get out--he wanted to control me financially.
How smart u were!!!! Wish I had been that smart with my narcissistic marriage, I wasn’t or I prob wouldn’t be sitting here watching these videos right now lol. I was a little bit smarter the next narc I had serious relationship with but not much. And I guess smart isn’t the correct word. I did quit job when he and I moved in together but I had to start working again later bc he was not paying any of my bills or giving me any $ . He had a very serious very bad gambling problem. I knew I neeeded to make $ to leave and just to cover basic stuff I needed that he wouldn’t or couldn’t bc he preferred to gamble or buy HIMSELF new clothes shoes etc. those coupled with drug addiction made for a shitty “partner.” I knew I had to make my own money and before long he was gambling the rent away and every month I was having to come up with some of it plus billls and pocket money for him. I think I let him know too much bc he started assuming I could cover it but I had to account for every minute of my time Away from apt we shared. He on the other hand could stay gone for a cpl days with his new supply I’m assuming without so much as an explanatory text. I should have hid the $ bc he would go thru my purse regularly to inventory my $ and if he bothered to ask for $ and I said I didn’t have it he would rage that he knew I did he counted etc and how greedy/selfish I was. Plus one of the few times he was sorta kind to me was when I gave him all my money freely. If he neeeded it for dr, if hand it over or for this or that or cell phone etc he had no problem blowing thru $600 of $900 I had one week and only limited bc I hid some. During that week he was nicer so I’d try giving him whatever I had but no sooner then I’d run out he would become abusive and disrespectful again. I mean within the hour. Then the nights out began again and eventually he started stealing from my wallet while I slept or showered whenever he could. He would say I forced him to do it by pissing him off and him having this horrible disease (gambling). Or he would claim that I told him he could while I was passed out. Or the worst was when he would become so nasty Nd telll me that I should have always given him every dime bc he’s so attractive and good in bed etc that finally I was worth something when I could contribute. Contribute? That’s rent but giving him money to blow is different in my boook. Soon he started claiming we had extra expenses I neeeded to cover like renters insurance and I would only to find notice thAt he had not paid it. Soon it was obvious he was lying and gambling every cent he could steal from me. He would claim it shouldn’t be a surprise and I should know already and have saved and been prepared. He claimed I cost him so much $ , even though he paid for nothing of mine at this point, but bc I blocked him from using “his” apt to bring other women and that other better women could pay all his bills, rent, clean better and not mouth off. Even after he got us evicted and I was homeless, carless etc I went to see him and fell asleep, he once again emptied my walllet of the last hundred dollars I had leaving me stranded at a hotel in Las Vegas with no way to get anyplace no food no home to sleep etc...then became verbally and physically abusive when I confronted him. Again claimed I told him to take it while I slept. SMH I can’t even believe what a sucker I am as i write this. What’s worse is the he’s not the worst narc I’ve allowed in my life. My ex husband was prob worse...esp the financial abuse.but at least he never stole from me. (My soul, my child, my health, my family, resources, yes but nvr took cash from my purse.)
Who needs Narcs like this in our lives? I have shut myself down to new relationships as this could kill me now that I am older if that is all I can attract. I am better off alone. I can provide my own safety and living.
J Lee So sorry you went through that, but I am glad you are out. My late husband did not fill out the forms to cover me as a survivor for one of his pensions (I did get a smaller one from a different job) which would have made a huge difference in my life since he passed). He blamed it on the pension fund people just before he did but I discovered otherwise..always dirty little secrets to be uncovered. Am healing now and feel blessed to have a good job and good therapy. These videos and community help as well.
Mel thank you. I will not have a large retirement. He was supposed to pay me $200,000 in a settlement and he stayed in Cairo, Egypt and never paid me one dime. It was court ordered, but who is going to go over there to force him to pay? It was over in 2001 and I am glad to have it all over. If I think about what I do not have then it would be a waste of my time now. I have to provide for myself as I will get nothing from my parents who are narcissistic and abusive.
I'm so glad that this is a subject that is being discussed and explained and really exposed because a lot of times suffers like myself tend to think.....what am I doing wrong? why can't I make it better no matter what efforts I make. And the abuse just goes on and on. and when you bring these matters up or explain something to someone about your partner they look at you like oh well it's just simple quarrel or there's something little more deep-seeded, there is something you're not realizing you are doing wong...but really in all actuality you could be pulling your weight and doing your part and it don't matter you still are wrong always wrong and your partner will always make sure that you feel inferior and that you're the reason and the cause of all the negativity in the household. Its a never ending cycle.
Thanks for these comments. I'm hoping you will be able to learn how to maneuver through this issue as you watch the others videos as well, and then you can string together a clear picture of what you are up against. Dr. C
I was led to believe that my reality was not as I saw it. I literally thought I was having psychotic breakdowns and losing my mind. I know I have mood swings because I'm bipolar but I never have gotten this angry and screamed at the top of my lungs before. I'm literally not myself anymore and I'm planning on leaving. Thank you for sharing this
It is a never ending cycle they're never happy it doesn't matter how hard you try to do everything right they will find a way to start a fight and make you feel like a failure and it's only because they really feel insecure and inferior and can't ever be wrong or blamed for anything and you have to be less than them it's sick. My husband has actually made me pay for so many of the expenses just to make sure I have nothing while he sits on a pile of money I have no access to
God I remember this all too well. I was one of the lucky ones that was told "It's my money, I earn it, I'll do what I want with it"; even though it was me that did all of the budgeting and bill paying. Then I was shamed for not being able to buy something that he wanted or pay a particular bill; when I found out too late that yet another ATM withdrawal of $300 was done; and couldn't remember where it went or it was 'stolen'. God, I'm so thankful to be out of that marriage.
No narcissist has a healthy relation to money, I suppose. I've known several narcissists in my life, and for all of them, money was a huge trigger, linked to power, control, status etc. There was always issues.
My father died when I was 11, from that point on my mother only supplied a roof over my head, a bed and food. I had to earn money to buy my clothes, toiletries, haircuts, school supplies, etc. There were no extra curricular activities because I couldn't afford them and we lived in the country and my mother refused to drive me. She'd scream at me how I didn't deserve anything good/nice, and scream at me or severely ridicule me if anyone gave me a gift or did anything good/nice for me. One of my brothers and my sister were in on it, both Narcs themselves. Then I married a Narc and things just deteriorated. I had to document everything I spent. I didn't know how much money he made or what he spent his money on. He had a secret account. I couldn't believe the lies, the manipulations, gaslighting, ridicule, degradation...and everyone thought he was a Saint. My needs or wants were NEVER met. I did get out after 15 years and the divorce was messy of course. When I left him, he did everything he could to make my life a financial hell to force me back to him. He literally tried to freeze and starve me out of where I was living after I left him. I would have rather starved to death than return. He cleaned out and closed chequing and savings accounts that were in both our names. Made ridiculous legal demands, stalling tactics, refusals to sign off agreements and documents, then stalled for over 6 months on signing off on the divorce. My second husband teases me about how I "grilled" him when we were dating and how hard he had to work to earn my trust. Happy to say, he's the exact opposite of the demon I was once married to.
Hang in there honey and be strong ... Figure out your exit strategy and then get out ! I can't give you better advice then that ......................................... :)
Two houses foreclosed. Lost my car. I know live in a trailer and have no job or vehicle and half the time I have no idea where he is. 6 bankruptcies and I had no clue until Google told me.
Oh yes I do understand because it’s been happening to me for five years. Since I became physically disabled. He has bullied and threatened and conned me off of my families land title of 60 years. He’s stollen everything and cut me off of everything. And now he’s cutting off my phone tonight at midnight he said. I can’t live with his abuse and after building a half million dollar estate for my self, he is going to force me into homelessness. He has literally robbed me of any way to even help my self.
I want to cry. I am living with this right now. Our monthly income is 6400$ and my soon-to-be ex has repeatedly cut my access off to family money and repeatedly bully me over the groceries I buy for our home. He insists on having control over everything. He bought himself a laptop, opened a secured credit card and made 600$ in payments on it ( not to mention the 500$ as the secured credit card deposit) but refused to get our son a bed because the old one broke. He repeatedly buys himself whatever he wants and even after me filing for divorce he still repeatedly has taken my access to family money while I have supported his career and not built any retirement benefits for myself. I put in a contempt of court mention and the hearing is coming up soon. I finally understand the abuse and exactly what he is doing. I just so angry and feel so stupid that I let it happen and didnt recognize it.
BRAVO! My husband (ex) and my brother BOTH financially abusive...I knew this was a component of narcissism but have never heard anyone talk about it. Both covert narcissists...ex would set me up, telling me to 'fill the house with furniture', or when we had company come he'd have me bring in groceries, take ppl out for entertaining, give his daughter money, and there was the time when he lent a logger 248,000.00 dollars of which he was able to recover just over half... then when we divorced he claimed I stole from him. My brother has money, my mom passed and left home with mortgage. He holds my sister and me hostage, threatening that he wont pay the mortgage...I told him no one's holding a gun to his head, dont pay it idc. I dont live in the state the home is in, but sadly my sister could live there she really needs a better living situation. He is an absolute ass and doesnt even see her hardship! I feel REALLY SORRY for his two cats, he is a stingy pet owner as well...they dont even get to go outside (not even a kitty peeper window or cat trees) and he only sees what he wants not what actually IS. I went no contact. I'd rather continue to heal from a 20 year marriage and be free than put up with this bs again. But I feel really bad for my sister.
This is so important to understand. I have been the victim of my husband's financial abuse for 37 years. I only recently discovered the depth of the deception. I don't even know I'd I can ever be free from the financial entanglement or ever have money to survive on. I am truly emotionally & financially devastated.
I can relate only too well to your situation. But don´t give up, keep on working as much as you can even if it´s tough, pay into a retirement account, save as much as you can for the future, live on a tight budget while still taking pleasure in things that cost little or nothing . You can dig yourself out of this hole. If I did it, so can you. Keep on keeping on and best of luck.
You can do it Nina! One day at a time. Get away from him and stay away. They not only steal money, they try to steal your soul and your self respect. They are empty shells. Nothing there for you. I haved learned the hard way.
@@dellatompkins3789 I've totally moved on thanks to God. I don't even listen to these type of videos anymore, but I tell you this community certainly helped me get through it. I don't think about my narcissistic family members much anymore and their past behavior toward me no longer hurts. But when I do think of them I feel sad and guilty, like maybe I am harboring un-forgiveness? But when I think about dealing with them I think they will treat me the same way, greedy and disrespectful. I don't pay for that anymore. Hope Nina is doing well.
This is just anouther part of the abuse to make their victims submissive. Been through it all.. Thank you Dr Carter and Shannon Thomas for helping survivors in the manny ways you do. Love and appreciate you both! Thank you! Xo
My husband controls everything. I was told finances are none of my business. I know he is making bad financial decisions, but I have no authority to stop him- unless I file for divorce which will also impact me financially.
Nancy Luckhurst: The same thing happened to me. He also used the same threats and manipulations that the authors of this video describe. His operational premis: "What´s mine is mine and what´s yours is mine, too". The laws of the country that we were living in at that time also supported the patriarchial model, plus I was considered a foreign citizen. But I finally managed to regain control over my life after the children were grown, kept on working and built enough financial security to ensure my survival in old age while still helping out the kids and keeping a roof over our heads. Get out asap if you can. His favorite phrase was "Before I give up (fill in the blank), you will have to leave." I couldn´t leave for decades because he manipulated everything: the money, the kids, the laws, me. But I finally did, even though it left me holding the bag. He walked away scott free with his hidden assets and quickly moved on to another clueless source of supply he had waiting in the wings. Get out if you can, better sooner than later.
That’s right. “You are on a need to know basis and you don’t need”. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that one Mine opens CC bill and starts listing off my charges. But never his. Used to ride me on how much I spent st grocery store and I would start explaining and then say he didn’t want to know. Once when we were newly married we were in Cancun and he bought something for me after bartering the price down but when he got change back it was wrong (pesos). And I said wait you should’ve gotten his much back so ended up paying more than original price. He got so mad at me How ungrateful of me that he threw all the change at me and I had to take bus back to hotel while he stayed out all night drinking and we were leaving next day. When I reminded recently of course he doesn’t remember. But he remembers how his dad promised him a certain baseball glove that he never got. I hear that one all the time. Apple🍎doesn’t fall to far from the tree 🌳
We bought a home for 29,500 in our second year of marriage. Twenty-five years later I was told we owed 24,000 and that was one of the reasons we could not afford new school clothing for the kids or a specialist for my daughter’s severe asthma. I investigated this with the loan company and learned that our home was collateral on a $25,000 loan. For what?? A hair transplant, new clothes for a girlfriend from a fancy store in which I was never allowed to shop, groceries and a car for her. I was astounded, as I had been getting my clothes from secondhand store for years and my kids were wearing hand-me-downs from a neighborhood teenager. Everything I had ever asked for in all those years had been refused to me with the excuse, “We can’t afford it.” I guess that was financial abuse, right?
lve been Financially Abused my whole life. First my Dad, than my husband (who embezzled $$$ while constantly telling me l "was nickle-ing and dime-ing him to death) and now, my Narcissistic boyfriend (who l just broke up with). Also by Employers. l think it stems from low self esteem in my early childhood development.
Abuser complaining the money isn't there in the budget to deprive his spouse of the bed and breakfast honeymoon = classic. One partner makes a reasonable request; the other chronically denies it. Very instructive!!
Thank you Dr. C 🙏🏼 so happy I came across this video! Fortunately it was only $1500.00 over a one month period, but still I went against my better judgement every time he asked for money. He manipulated me and I am still fresh getting out of the relationship. Lies and deception are the foundation..... so sad but true.
Another great, helpful video! Thank you, Dr C! Thanks, Shannon! My ex narc lied about having cancer, needing $$$$ for medical bills. Being scammed out of a lot of money was bad, but that isn't the worst of it. I'll spare us all the details. I just hope women find the strength to get out, own your finances, take care of yourself bcz he wont take care of you. Same for men with women narcs, as I'm sure that's out there too as they stated. It's abuse. It's fraud. It's so painful!
@@SurvivingNarcissism once they have your $$ they have gotten what they want. The kicker is when i finally emailed, bcz he wouldn't call me back, he "wanted to square the record". Ie. Image management always about him. What a huge lesson! I never responded, done with it all. Can you do a video on co dependent anorexia? Thx
Hell yeah it’s painful ... I earn less now than I was when with her and I can’t believe how my savings is accumulating ... she was stealing money from me all the time and I didn’t even know it ... little cash backs here and there all month long .. ugh
The damage these narcs do. My husband and I have been together for 8 years now. It's been only this last year that he has finally been able to weather the emotional storm that comes from 13 years of such abuse. For those who have never been through the experience but are with someone who has, be patient. This to shall pass.
oh crap I just went through the no phone nightmare. this September 2018 I have my cellphone on 3 days now. I couldn't have my cellphone on since September 2017. thank God I'm out I talked to my kids and they can call anytime now. I almost cried with relief.
He had all our mobile phone contracts under his name. Then he write a letter to me saying that he'd only pay for both our daughters' contracts. I now have an alternative phone number that I got even before he stopped my mobile phone service.
I worked. I sold plasma. I got loans. I paid and paid and paid and was told I should stand on a corner with a sign to humble me and get more money. I am so grateful to God I am free yet sick to my soul that I lived this kind of life
It was a trap. He was a dr. I had to come live with him in a new house. I had a store, a practice and a appartment above it. We would work together. Dont take your stuff. We will buy new ones. End of the story. I lost my stuff job house. I was not allowed to work. Isolated. I could not escape i had nothing. He started to give less and less. I had to work in secret to feed my kid. As a dr s wife! It was one of the horrible things he did. I was homeless when he tried to kill me. But looking back i should have never been afraid. Run there will never be a good moment to escape! Better today than next week. The abuse will get worse.
my ex's used to do this making sure they would keep me broke when i would work always making sure to spend my pay check before i got payed . I didn't know how to pay bills with my first ex at 36 i had to learn how to pay bills and manage a house hold, trying to keep me with him he thought if i never had money i would never leave him, 2001 i left him with nothing in my pocket only the cloths i wore and with my daughter . i didnt think there was a such thing as financial abuse . you are describing my ex , wow ! thank you so much for posting this its helped me so much. they threaten with out comming out and saying it . its almost like they beat the life and soul out of you . then they tell you why are you so depressed all this i give you this big house i pay all the bills and you should be thankful all you do is set home and do nothing all day. he told me this for 20 years . i made it!! i know if theres hope for me theres hope for anyone . he took almost everything from me but my life and my daughter . i am so grateful to be out . thank you so much for this post .
That reminds me of my ex: he would rant constantly: “I pay all the bills!” But he didn’t, just the household ones. I covered a lot of other things like the pets, holidays, clothing, the car; plus he earned more.
Married 10 years he still evades information on how much he gets paid, states he's in so much debt, has a high paying job, spends freely, yet blames ME for debt. Yet he was in debt before I met him. I am a nurse so I make decent money. I keep ALL our finances separate, file separate taxes and I save yet spend as I please because I refuse to be a victim in what I can control. I refuse to let him totally control me. He hates it and therefore works hard at manipulating me (or trying to). He states he has to file bankruptcy yet hasn't and it's been a year since he started saying this. He lies so much! I just never trust his word. Sad marriage but I'm in the process of getting out. Liberating!!
Yvette your story sounds so familiar I refuse to let my husband control every aspect of my life especially when he does nothing for me financially, physically or emotionally he has his money separate and I know nothing about how much he has or where his accounts are. He manipulates me by withholding money for groceries, utilities, anything he can to make me suffer, I still hold my head up high and pay what I can and do without things I need while he's getting packages from Amazon daily
So true. Passive aggressive. Ignores court orders, but I am so tired of dealing with him, that I just want to be left alone. I provide 95% of the financial support for our children.
Thank you for exposing the behaviour and really pulling the veil back regarding financial abuse of a narcissist. 🙏 I've experienced a narcissist manipulating circumstances so she could exploit me when the time was right. While blameshifting and gaslighting me her threats were so subtle I had no idea they were threats...then they became full blown screaming threats as I wasn't giving her what she wanted. She is so so manipulative and vile. I'm still processing the fact I was groomed, set up and financially manipulated and abused. Her flying monkey was her enabler in it all. He of course was being controlled, manipulated and abused by her too. It has been a very lonely journey but youtube videos and the community have educated and helped me so much. I'm sorry for others who have also experienced any kind of abuse by a narcissist. Sending healing your way. 😊🙏🪷
I'm sobbing. Every single thing you said, all the way to fraud. I'm struggling so hard. I am trying to survive after living this life for almost 25 years. He is now threatening me that our divorce better go the way HE expects or I will regret it. I'm very scared.
Stop being scared and put your ducks in a row. He wants you to be distracted and fail to think or act for yourself. Get a good attorney no matter what he says. Your rights matter. Remember that your goal is to get and stay free...not to get even.
Suanne, I was in your shoes when I left my ex of 30 years. I was a SAHM for 20 years. I did it and you can too! Get a job...any job to start. It will do your self esteem a world of good.
Thank you for bringing this to attention.... my husband of 56 years has steadily gotten worse, and controls everything. I go without my basic needs and even medication at times. He hides all money, and I am not even allowed to know what he makes. I am allowed to cook, and clean, and only speak when he wants me to. I am not allowed to question him on anything, Or it's a huge argument with either the silent treatment or a rage, which sometimes I am hurt, but no matter he always can buy anything he wants and does. However, financially he holds all, and I can't seem to figure out at my age now how to support myself, or even if I am able to deal with it all. But somehow I know I must.
I had to get away from my 20 year marriage via a women's shelter. I had asked him for a divorce and things just got worse and obviously he refused to discuss any separation. I did not know at this point that he was a narcissist. Don't let him know that you want to leave.
I know that my response is a shocker. after you have had so many years together but it works. I am sorry for your loss, yet I hope that you find your strength. The new life is yours to grab and it's hard at first but it gets so much easier when time forgets the brainwashing and even though I'm 50 now I finally confidentally walk down the street.
Great topic !!!!! I am in middle of divorce with narcissistic ex. He is always in control of our finance. He aways say he is short of money, then he will buy ski pass. Take his kids to over sea. Such such. One morning I break down to my attorney. It’s nothing was wrong just because I was worry I was been abused by him through divorce in finance. I have to explain to My attorney why I was panic. There is history of abuse in this area.
My ex claimed we couldn't afford the medication the doctor said was necessary to keep me from having a heart attack. Our youngest son heard him say it just before he talked our 3rd son into going to wrestling camp for the summer and he started taking personal trips out of state for marathons. That was 8 years ago, and my son still brings it up any time his father is mentioned. The effects extend well beyond the here and now. All of us survivors (me and my 4 sons) still have trouble with our relationships with money.
The narc im married to has control of everything. I don't cook, clean dishes, clean house. Get a job he sabbatoge' s it. He controls the money. If I need something I ask and he decides if I can have it. Mind you im 61 yrs old. Forgot how to do all these things right. It took me 22 yrs to finally put a name to this hell me and my children have lived. No one likes me yet they all think he is the best. Im trying to make my escape plan.
When my parents were still married they were having some financial problems. One of them is a Narc. Some money went missing so early in the morning after my parents finished arguing, my brother and I were called in their room. He was 13, I was 12 I think. We were accused because it was just the four of us in the house. My father asked us about his money but I said I don't know where the missing money's gone. And my brother said he doesn't know either. We were called liars and got a beating from hell and as one parent beat us the narcissistic one watched and my brother and I kept screaming we know nothing about the missing money until they gave up. The evening of that day, my brother and I come back home from playing outside and we're told they found the money. My brother and I kept asking "where where" and nothing of that nature was ever revealed. We smilled relieved because they seemed relieved also that the money was found. The money was important. I don't remember a sincere apology for having beaten us so severely.
I too was beaten as a child for something that I had no idea I did. My dad wouldn’t tell me. He said you know what you did. It still hurts 50 years later. I can’t change the past and I also don’t like to dwell on it.
Thanks so much for this. Another pattern of behavior that I have experience with a partner who promised financial assistance and then when the time came, giving me all but $20 of the financial support promised. It was a weird mind game. I would figure out a way to make up the nominal difference, but the underlying message was his power over me. With the help of a therapist, I was able to get to a situation where I didn't have to plead each day for living expenses. It was insane because I was living on my own before, but the toll that it took was on my sense of worth, being loved and ability to ask for things and one of the strangest things was understanding how I found this acceptable and felt powerless. When you are used to loving relationships, the behavior is just weird and you learn to adapt to keep the peace - because it all seems so small and petty, but I wasn't recognizing the greater picture on what the aim was in these tactics.
Thank you. Exactly what I needed. The financial abuse I experienced from the narc that was draining me utterly ruined my life. Thankfully I was smart enough to leave a fake bank statement around saying I had no cash and she left within a week with no reasoning and the coldest most disgusting breakup ever. I may have been able to manage the rest of the abuse as I was rather used to it from childhood however the financial abuse took my dreams away from my grasp forever. No one sees the cause or the impact she had and yet the effects have been utter chaos. If it wasn't for the financial abuse though. I'm not sure I would have had objective evidence to verify that I was being drained because they make you feel good about being used to a certain degree. And then I see that it's happened with every woman I've ever dated. They were all just draining me. Demand expensive gifts and give nothing in return and then make life hell because you now have less time to focus on them because you're working 2 times harder with a 3rd job feeding them and paying for their lifestyle whilst she refused to work and stayed at home doing nothing but watching movies and TV shows about criminals.
thank you for talking about this. I am really grateful for your videos it has helped tremendously. I am curruntly struggling with this problem. My grandparents have done so much damage when making me fear money and income it affected my ability to earn, to keep jobs and the expect you to drop everything and spend time with them so you don't have any time to think and to relax so im constantly stressed out. I am so greatful that I found your channel. They also told me that I can't get my dream job and they triggered me with them telling me they would send me back to social services. They made abandonment issues so much worse.
Shayla that's so sad to threaten you with sending you back to social services. Money is power to the narcissist and they have to be powerful and in control of you and it's always about them no matter what
You don’t need their money make your own money think for yourself they using mind control move with a friend heck I’d choose social services I got lucky got good home
I didn't being under-employed was financial abuse. That was my ex-husband. He never worked a full-time job. I did, and I did the vast, vast majority of the domestic chores.
Yep mine too. He had work skills that should have been earning him 6 figures but chose to stay in minimum wage jobs and keep us at borderline poverty level.
My narc consistently stayed out of work and relied on me to provide everything, before I met him he had ripped off several banks and had bad credit rating. He would always want the most expensive clothes, food etc and smoked 60 cigarettes a day, and became an alcoholic. He would nag and threaten until I bought what he wanted. He had cars,but never would take his driving test,he would pull them to pieces and after he got them they were never what he wanted, he would smash them up in temper and I would then have to pay to have them removed. His tantrums cost me a fortune in the house replacing broken doors etc and redecorating. I am in thousands of pounds of debt. Lo and behold when he did get a job he spent all his wages mainly on himself in 2 days of getting them, then continued borrowing mine never to pay anything back. Finally discarding me because he landed a well paid job and considered himself an elite. What a fool I have been.
You're not a fool! Love is truly blind. There are many like you, both men and women. I run into them on an almost daily basis. I was like you, although my ex was employed most of our marriage. When my parents died, and he knew I was to inherit a sizable sum, he began poisoning me. I couldn't even take black coffee frim his hand. Then he tried to convience me that I was going to have a nervous break down. When I had my ducks in a row, I left with my son. I say "my son" because my ex wanted to have nothing to do with him when he wanted to be his own person, and not a miniature version of himself. In addition, the judge refused to grant me child support. I had to leave California because he was stalking and trying to kill me, and I couldn't get a restraining order. God is good, and I believe that everything that was stolen from you will be restored. God's peace and blessings to you, in addition to healings if mind, heart and soul.
I've experienced it all. The malignant narc took everything, my Mom's house, our business, our home, our kids, my reputation and almost my life. He's dead now. Sorry I am not sorry.
Be very aware of the passive aggressive narcissist. I rented a house with this person from a family member for 4yrs before buying. Only in the aftermath of the relationship have I found that the family member who owned the property doesn't own it. The persons parents own it & believe it's not the first time the family have done this. If you suspect your partner of being narcissistic don't hesitate to check finance paperwork before signing anything. Lucky for me I think I can turn it all around but still involved with an illusion. The dream of a home & family have gone. Looks like I can salvage having a house out of it. Hard accepting the reality as I so wanted children & still left healing from all the lies. Check everything & leave behind that people pleasing mentality. The narcissist relies upon your good nature.
Thank you for bringing light & education on this type of abuse. It is very difficult to explain or label. My abuser would say, " I do not abuse you, I do not hit you". Had to control everything from soap, light bulbs to monitoring food intake. Once again...thank you both so much. God bless you both.
I endured threats of disinheritance from my dad my entire adult life for maintaining personal boundaries. It was great motivation to save for retirement!
This is what I needed 21 years ago. I have subscribed to the channels of 3 Christian Pastors whose messages are powerful and wonderful...and somehow this channel has come through to my feed. I’m going through a divorce(on my own terms) after 21 years of marriage to a Narcissistic someone. I know this channel is God’s way of letting me further know that He has been with me through it all. Thank you so much for your work🙏🏿
I created a Tide to Me account, once I started putting away 10% of EVERYTHING I Earned, my power seemed to begin returning, I now had the monetary power to walk away .. I was no longer at his feet... no one needs to know about what or where u are stashing the money ... keep it to yourself... let no man know ... that is not his / her business..
I was with my ex for 34years and never knew exactly how much he earned, he was self employed. I read somewhere if an adult has controlling issues about money it is a deep rooted issue from their childhood. My ex had a odd childhood and I can now see the connection with his money controlling issues. The biggest problem was I have suffered for all those years and my ex took his issues out on me and used me as an emotional punch bag instead of confronting his parents about his childhood.
Thank you Dr C, yours and other peoples videos on UA-cam have been the greatest help. If I’m truly honest I think they are better than paying for therapy because you can read the general public’s thoughts, reply’s, different angle and experiences. It’s a bit like a worldwide group therapy and there are a lot of people out there who have gone through the same experience as me, but when you go through this form of narcissistic abuse you feel so alone and through your abusers brain washing you do blame your self and feel like you are going mad. I have turned my life around completely and the happiest day of my life was when I got rid of my husband 😃
Omg! I’ve been married to a NARC for 20 yrs Aug 26! The money control and the lies that he’s told were always about ME spending absorbent amounts of money and I’ve always argued with him about it! The mind fuck I deal with is CRAZY! I’ve realized since this last July that he has a bookie and has lost almost $10,000 of our money...’IN 3 MONTHS…not included is the stealing of our gold to pay his debt or I’m sure I have NO idea the money he’s gambled since he’s been a gambler since I’ve known him…and he lied about it before I married him but I didn’t know anything about what gambling addiction was!!!! I know of…he has lied over and over and stolen our gold to pay 0ff the debt with his bookie which I busted him and he admitted it but he’s still doing his NARC stonewalling and ignoring me for 3 months now… EVIL isn’t even the right word for this…it’s fucking diabolical!
Yes. I spent 3 years paying off my now exes tax debt, His defaulted student loans, his car accidents when he had no insurance, the list goes on and on. I left, but I've never fully financially recovered. I lost a decade of earning trying to keep up with his mistakes.
I have dealt with all of these things.So much fraud.The hardest part is to try to stay positive and not let your teen kids know -even though they hate you for getting any child support “moms don’t really work just dads do.”Dad says. But you can’t explain how bad things are without hurting them.Sometimes surviving another 24 hours is a super power.
wow thanks I'm out and I went shopping for real for the first time without my narc in a year it was awesome. I lost everything in a house fire and her controlled the money now my money is mine again. I got the basics and am starting to feel like I'm on my way to being back .this is the fist thing I've seen on financial abuse and we need to have more information on this out there
When my grandfather passed I believe my dad took all of the money that was meant for my grandmother. He put her in a nursing home instead of getting a private nurse. Then he sold my grandparents house and pocketed the money.
I am legally owed years of spousal support. He even dared to take me court when I became homeless. In spite of that I won in court tho support was greatly reduced. He still did not pay. No lawyer will help. Now he is dying from his double life. This is all very real for me. Now I have a patron who is also a severe narc. I barely sleep. At 71 legally disabled but highly educated I live in terror of homelessness. I have managed purely by grace. May narc mom was very ill and controlled me and taught me a women must have a man. This is very painful and I am glad to have this resource. This is criminal. He hid money. I got off his taxes when he left. Took years. He seems to occasionally have money when I beg. I have to act sick to get his attention. This enrages me. I repress it and it has health issues. Many thanks.
So good, I watched it twice! It's the insidious nature of this unsettling abuse that is so hard to put into words. Shannon Thomas puts together a montage of "small" and large, but always mean, financial incidents, that are humiliating, undermining and damaging. She gives a sense of what it's like to be caught-up in this dark dynamic.
boy oh boy!!! I left a narcissistic husband and immediately became involved with another narcissist - and they BOTH played all kinds of financial games. The husband was very passive aggressive and the rebound choice just outright lied and manipulative with money.; both made LOTS of threats. Unfortunately, I learned a lot. I re-married a very nice man who doesn't understand why I insist on my own bank account. I have a good job, make my bills and don't touch his money but he is not to touch mine either. After the abuse from my 1st husband and then my stupid choice of that boyfriend, I have lots of trust issues. Thank you for this video.
Thank you for this. It is hard for me to walk away because of financial limits. I was also asked to choose between him and my job/s *happened more than once* to prove that He means more to me than my job. Slowly got to where I fully depend on him for money, no job, no money, I have to always ask. Now I am trying to find income and to re-arrange my whole life to settle without him while he’s at at the back of my head telling me I’m a terrible mother he would stay as long as I don’t have income. Now I want him out and he’s still trying to control this. Wish me luck 🤞
I'm so EMPOWERED by the information that you have exposed and Im so grateful for the confirmation of my own TRUTH. I'm leaving very soon from this ABUSE and I am gonna do my part TO SAVE MY SOUL in EXPOSING of these evil entities in every way possible. I have been planning for a long time and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. Thank you for your service to our CAUSE. NAMASTE~
I was taken for all I had....and it was done so overtly so manipulative... I can hardly believe it happened.. these narc are expert at taking everything from you .... such confusion .... such control... I'm so glad I'm out of that... .. lost my house and major money.... I never knew the words love bombing and gas lighting until it was too late..but now I see where he did it and it was nasty.. NEVER AGAIN. Thanks for the video.. ...
Yes they are so good at changing the stories you almost start to think it was your fault.. that's why I eventually felt so guilty living off of my ex's money.. (even though it wasn't my fault I couldn't work..) they manipulate you in such a way you just give them your money so they stop complaining about it.. After we broke up my narc ex had the balls to tell me that it was my own choice to use up most of my money from my savings account.. while he kept accusing me for "using him for his money" and that I "didn't want to work" (when he didnt want me to work in the first place!) But you mostly notice it when you're out of it.. I can now remember so many times he took care of the money and I just assumed he told me the truth.. but I'm sure he has hidden so much money or didn't tell me where he actually used it for..
Dr.Carter,thank you.i like the way you suggest self improvement to deal with the narcissist in your life.to know your boundaries and stick to them.what a great way for everyone to live.so what your suggesting is improve ones self image,know your boundaries and stand up for them.to be more self aware and be kind to yourself.good advice for everyone!!
Yes. The lies . Then the calling the police a dozen times. Then trying to lock me up- jail, psych units, unnecessary rehabs. And when I had to leave California to stay with my family in Connecticut, I was accused of abandonment
I started working at 16 because I was tired of looking like I was homeless and not having food in the house. I had to hide ALL my money (change included ) from my Narc mother. Once I worked the Xmas season and was paid $456 for 2 weeks,100 hours of work, I was 17. I never got to spend a dime of it. My mother found it and took it and spent all of it on herself. Me, I was so broke I had to borrow money from friends just so I could have food to eat. Motherly Love .....Not in my mother's house.
brilliant channel. LOVED the mention of "virtue and money". My ex and his family hid behind that always making me feel guilty and not good enough when I objected to my money being literally stolen. I mean it : helping themselves to my purse and stealing my money for food etc.
My husbands ex made him choose between me (his new wife) and his kids. The girls were 5 & 10 when this started. They are 20 & 25 now. They are both sociopaths and are incapable of any meaningful relationships. They are repeating the same exploitive behavior as their mother. He was paying the legal fees, had given her 60% of his assets (for a nine year marriage of a 25 year career) and paying her $2,500/month in child support. She expected, in addition to the child support, to use my husbands money any way she saw fit. She also had a ton of plastic surgery and left him with a lot of debt when she left. She cheated on him by joining a dating site while they were still married yet she accused my husband of cheating (he didn’t). When women do this, it has far greater devastation on the children (my ex did this as well but my children are much more emotionally healthy).
I was devastated by my Xnarc. Financially, my self esteem and my standing in the community. Please leave them,sooner rather than later! It’s hard ,everyone treats you differently but slowly it gets better.
Totally different scenario here. I stayed home and raised kids while he was building his career. Paying the bills and managing money and household was my job. Spending the money and "investing it" was his job. Oh, he would ask my opinion on business ventures but when I voiced specific questions and concerns, he would shut me down. He said I was being negative and not supportive then I'd get the silent treatment while he proceeded with what he wanted to do anyway. Big mistake being the sole manager of finances. After many failed investments, the blame is all at my feet. I couldn't perform the miracles he needed and he has a scapegoat.
Mine would put tons of business expenses on our family credit cards and then have his company reimburse him to another account. When I needed the money to pay our bills he made excuses and said he hadn’t got the reimbursement yet. This went on for years and added up to tens of thousands of dollars because he traveled the world on business.
My Cousin is like that and after seeing these clips as well as others I was blown away. They play on your kindness, compassion, and sympathy and they know it. We would go Clubbing in the 1980's and we would go for a Bite To Eat. He would say "I Can't Go It Because I Don't Have Any Money!" I would cover his Tab. By today's standards it would be "Well wait until we finish." He would "borrow" and he's so happy to get The Money he would "forget" he had to pay back. When you had the audacity to "ask" for what is rightfully yours, he would blow up at me, hollering at me for pestering him and "I don't' have the Money, if you were going to be like this I wouldn't have asked!" Deep down he was very ashamed because he knew he was in the wrong. Even to this day he doesn't apologize for what he did. Alot of his Old School Friends have all but washed their hands of him.
I hid money in our marriage out of fear of my STBX’s anger. He emotionally abused me, and I believe he’s a narcissist. He controlled our money so much, I had to explain every little charge. I had no freedom, so to avoid his anger, I hid money on the side. He’s now saying this is why he’s divorcing me because I can’t be trusted. Perhaps what I did was narcissistic (!?), but my intent wasn’t to control, it was to protect myself and done out of fear. But if he saw this video, he would take this as evidence that I’m a narcissist because I hid money.
My ex Covert Narcissist husband created debt on credit cards I was unaware of then shocked me by demanding with emotional blackmail to get me to pay them off with the last of my savings. When I refused he’d rage and silent treatment me. It led to our final night when he demanded it and still would not show me the statements. I refused and he walked out that night. He also was bitter over me stopping work due to very serious sickness and multiple surgeries. Resented I “spent his wages” despite years when I’d supported him when out of work/didn’t want to work. He got bad in the last 3 years and soooo many lies and secrets came with it. My father had to send me money so I wasn’t using “his” wages to buy things I need. Absolutely selfish and horrible. I’d rather have not much savings let but the freedom and joy I have now without him than millions and still be oppressed and abused.
Love you Shannon❤️ Thanks so much for bringing awareness to not only npd abuse, but financial abuse. I would have left a long time ago if he wouldn’t have ‘charmed’ his way through my finances. Just another way for them to keep us ‘stuck’. I hope there will be legislation coming down the pike that will expand the definition of domestic violence. Yes, I gave over my money with the promise of marriage. Total lie. He never had any intention of marrying.
Outstanding video!!! Please continue posting facts about narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse!!! Thank You!!! Most Helpful, God Bless You!!! - Sandi, a survivor of narcissistic abuse!!!
Mine, family members convinced me as a teenager that I shouldn't work because there were other things in the home that I should do and also strongly discouraged me from moving out. Whenever I talked about wanting to do that and wanting to be more financially independent, I got no guidance and was made to feel bad/dumb for even wanting that. But of course, I was also made to feel bad about not making (more) money. Fast fwd years later and it's the same thing. Now that I'm no longer absolutely needed and am not some wildly successful person for them to brag about, it's a completely different thing. Theyre entitled to know everything about me, where I'm going, with whom, amd when(even despite being an adult) but when I flip the script -- they have friggin amnesia. I so agree with the videp, "if we don't feel like we can take care of ourselves, we arent going anywhere." Building up my self-esteem to get to that point is really hard.
K 2 Not only that, but it’s hell when they resort to having you followed everywhere you go, hack your phone, and are so secretive about where they’re getting large sums of money from....
My father is the main narcissist in my life. He always says he has no money and then buys a new house. I think he tries to keep his children down around earning so that he looks better. It’s like he wants to make sure will never earn more than he did or does. I like that she uses the term "abuser" instead of spouse or partner.
the best one I remember from my narcissists was the electric bill, she complained about the electric bill, she claimed she was paying $400/mth! after she left and I had the bill switched to me, I went on a payment plan for $120/mth(electric company set)started in Feb and by Nov was told don't to pay the bill until the excess is used up, I made the first payment in April. and the best way to get to her was the madder she got the cooler and more calm I be came, you could watch the anger building up in her.
Yes I lived in fear for 18 yrs . We had 4 children. I lived in the housing but was not allowed to tell them my husband at that time was living with us . I worked 2 jobs cuz he would not work . He took all my money . I had to go to food banks to feed my children. It was a very difficult time in our lives living with him . Today I am free & very happy & healthy. .I divorced him in 1995 but he still try's to hover . .
I have been educating my attorney about the depths of the abuse. He deals with the financial. Police have dealt with the physical (not) while family court issued an order of protection that the police are supposed to enforce (not). In the meanwhile, he stopped paying the mortgage on the house that we bought in Nashville that HE is living in. My name is on the mortgage as well. It was to be our retirement home. I bought a used car because he took my car to Nashville. I got stuck paying a civil fine from NY because he didn’t renew the insurance on it. It just goes on and on. I am tearing my hair out. He took all of our money, retirement accounts and 401K. I just need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For God’s sake, just make it end!
I found 5 credit cards in my name tucked away in a bookshelf. He didn't use them but he used joint credit to get them for both of us without my knowledge and hid mine. So sneaky and underhanded. It's just his MO, I didn't realize it's been like this for so long. I guess I was never around people like him before so I didn't notice. I feel like a fool. The only time I ever saw my dad be sneaky with my mom was at Christmas when he hid her presents. So adorable.
I was never “allowed” to know exactly how much money was coming and going. My opinion NEVER mattered even when it cane down to huge financial decisions. He would ALWAYS go against what I thought.
He led a double life.
Thank God I’m out and now have peace. I’m rebuilding myself slowly but surely. Anyone who is going through this please know you can rise above this 💜
Great words to heed. The part about the double life is a common theme Shannon discusses. Thanks for the input. Dr. C
Thanks for sharing Dori, I've experienced the similar patterns. my opinion never matter either.
Dori Berry my mom was like this she would spend ALL the money on dope and alcohol whilst I had no food and school clothes and was bullied for that! I am a compulsive money maker to this day because I'm scared to live in lack and be homeless again!
Kendra Bennett I’m so sorry that happen to you. I pray for complete peace and healing for you 💜
You took your pain and turned it into power.
Slightly different, but my sister , I don’t speak to, has sold our parents house after dad died, and made a great loss of £60,000. 🇬🇧 . She did it deliberately to ensure I don’t inherit a penny. I haven’t discussed the matter with her as yet, but will do after mum dies. She is going to know what a devious covert Narc she is.
It's hard to believe unless you experience these monsters...that these people have zilch conscience.
Unfortunately this is the case in many, many relationships. Dr.C
@@SurvivingNarcissism
+ Susan and so it goes,..
Its so hard to believe,..
So? No one believes it!
Including their victims,.
You don't expect it when its disguised as a parent, spouse, etc,..
Its like telling young children about the Boogie Man or Stranger Danger,..
I remember when one turned into the other from a child to parenting children,..
Neither moniker depicts what they look like,..
It seems as if terrible people would "look" terrible,..
Nothing could be further from the reality or the truth,..
or fear. learn to instill at least, fear in them
Or punish you for not complying.
Nope
They also love to remind you it's their money, their house and you don't have nothing without them.
Yes! My narc ex used to say that I didn't own anything in our home anymore because I stopped working so everything was now his... Also during an argument he said "you dont have any say in this house because you dont pay rent".. and the worst was when we broke up.. he blackmailed me that I couldnt take certain stuff and if I did I would have to give back all the gifts he bought me over the years.. it's crazy how obsessive they get over stuff.. (even things I bought when I did have a job or got as a gift from my parents).. I left so many things behind just to avoid even more arguing..
I was required to make a list before I went to the store. When I came back, I was not allowed to take the bags out of the car so he could inspect that I wasn't "hiding anything". He reviewed the receipt against the list to make sure that I didn't get cash over. I never really had any cash, he would confiscate any cash saying, "I had the cards"..yet I was not allowed to spend on anything that he didn't know about, including getting myself a new nightgown because mine had holes in the shoulders! We had to have a "discussion" about it, and the future fake was, "wouldn't it be better if you wait till we pay off the car, and then I can give you $100 so you can go to the mall and get what you really want?" I told him "NO! I need a nightgown now!" So he goes, well, when your next check comes in we'll see about it". It was so upsetting to me that he could care less that I was wearing a holy nightgown! My sister ended up buying me one, and had it shipped to me, and I had to call it her birthday present to me. Once I was out, and free, it was very hard for me to be "ok" with buying myself anything. I do now, but at first it was hard.
I spoke today with a person who could give a very similar example. No one deserves to be treated in such a condescending manner. Dr. C
jofish420 ...omg what an insecure pathetic man he was. What an abuser! Glad ur out of it and away from that person. X
Thanks!! Me 2!! :D Life is so much more peaceful and better now!
Thank You! :D Yes...I knew it was wrong, didn't know about NPD until AFTER he went to jail for battery by strangulation. Yes..it went that far. I felt like a slave to his whims, and fantasies of grandeur. He threatened me with burning the house down, in order to make me stay, also suicide was another threat. I'm out a year and a half now. It took a while for me to "find me" again. I went to 10 months of counseling with a great therapist. :D
jofish420 ... I can relate to similar, the strangulation, the physical aggression, and the psychological torment he put me through.
The older a victim is, the harder it is to bounce back financially. The narcissist will never be fair, abide by the court orders or keep his promises. I'll never forget those words my ex said, "when I'm finished with you, you'll be living under a bridge with nothing but the clothes on your back". Oh yes, he stole everything including the dirty clothes. He had no remorse about stealing from his own special needs child. His sense of entitlement made him feel I owed him my inheritance, which he manipulated and outright stole from me. I feel it was all a set-up from day 1 just to destroy me. Looking back, he made me feel financially trapped early in the relationship with our so-called lifestyle. Then it was being a SAHM. No matter what I did to make extra money, I was never allowed to take credit for my work. For over 20 years, I was so afraid to leave even though the abuse went from mental to physical. I've been no contact for 5 years now but still am in the anger phase. I'm broken, my children are broken and even though they are adults now, they still cling to me.
Wow!!!! You have just spoken my entire marriage of 24 years that I’m trying to escape from!!!! You are not alone, it’s been a 2 year divorce so far & he continually violates court orders; I am still in the anger phase also & can’t seem to get past it because it’s a constant fight or flight. We have a special needs child also he outright refuses to support. I thought it was just me who couldn’t move past it, but this video makes me feel validated.
One of the things that attracted me to my wife was how good she seemed to be with money. Turns out that was a huge lie. I let her take care of the finances and we ended up with nothing. Bills went up, we had zero at the end of the month, bills went down, we still had zero. I would get a raise, still zero left over. Work overtime, still zero. I opened a separate savings account just so I could save something since having nothing makes me very insecure. We took out a loan to get new siding. The money is gone with no accounting and we still need siding!
I tried to get through to her several times with logic and reasoning, but of course it's always my fault. I don't make enough money, which may be true, but I've become convinced that any amount will never will be enough. This was before I realized that she was a narcissist or what narcissism is.
Thank you for videos like this, it helps me to feel like I'm not crazy
I didn’t even know what financial abuse was until a few years ago.
My narc admittedly sabotaged my career, and every job I had during the marriage. Then he constantly played the work-horse role, as if I didn’t want to work!
When I made money, he took it. When I had assets, he sold them. He basically destroyed my ability to make money, and our life could have been so much easier if I’d made the money he makes.
But that’s a narc for you. They’ll screw themselves out of more joy, security, and assets, just to screw you. That’s why they’re so scary.
My mom would raise my rent every time I increased my income. She would tell me that she was only eating twice a day because she couldn't afford food, that she couldn't fix her car or change the oil regularly, etc. One day I accidentally saw her monthly benefits check when she dropped it in the driveway. She was receiving nearly double what I was making, working part time as well, and then taking every extra penny I had so that I was the one who was skipping meals to be able to afford new shoes, etc. That was the moment I began to believe my therapist and recognize the abuse and the lies.
So sorry you had to experience that, you have now seen the light and I wish you well on your road to liberty and recovery.
Their version of "truth" doesn't always line up, as you discovered. Dr. C
My mother was similar. I worked graveyard shifts as a caretaker for the elderly, but never received any salary as she said "it's your payment for rent, food, etc." I was attending school full-time at a local college and also working at a bank processing center during weekends. She wanted to also get my salary from that, but I put my foot down on it, which she didn't like one bit. She stole all the jewellery my grandma bequeathed to me and pawned them off. I ended up marrying someone similar to her, but opposite of overt.
Olivest .....oh gawd horrible, it hurts real bad to learn our own mother is a monster.
The following happened to me: my dad was arrested and went to jail for about a couple years, making my mother a newly single mom. She said she had trouble w the rent. I said I could help with about 400-500 dollars that wasn't good enough for her. She wanted from 900 to 1000. I was about 18/19 years old a college freshman and using my money for books, bus passes uber, school supplies and occasionally food. So it's not like i was lazy or entitled. Then she forced me to make a post on Craigslist helping her find a roomate, I said okay. She didn't speak English which is why she made me do it. Anyways I got a lot of responses and she seemed r lly interested in a girl that wanted to rent the room whose name was Betty. So my mom told me to stay in contact w betty and get the details and think about letting her have the room. Betty told me she was someone out of state and that she was moving to Cali to enter a master's program or something and that her father could send me a check to cover her rent for 6 months. So I get a check for about $3600. When i get a check in the mail betty tells me to send about half of it back so she can ship her car and other stuff over here. And then right before she asked me to send it, she told me to actually send it to Africa because her father there was on a trip or something. I tell my mom all this and tell her it sounds sketchy as fuck and the I do t think we should do it but she pressures me and makes me do it anyway. It turns out this betty is fake and a scammer and the bank alerted me it was a fake check. Since I had enough in my bank account to cover the charges ( I had 1800 in savings because I was saving for a car) I didn't get in any trouble with the bank but I was out of 1800 now. Then she my mom ended up getting a freind to cover part of the rent and all was well for a couple months. But then her friend moved out. So my mom said she was going to get a second job, she didn't, she ended up just going out with random men and partying and when I spoke to my dad on the phone she asked me to lie to him and tell him that she was working an extra night job and THTS y she couldn't answer the phone. When i called her out on this she said she was hanging out with men for me and my siblings for money. Lies. She just wanted to sleep around and be a how. She would even show me text messages where she was telling men that if they wanted a date w her they'd have to pay. One of the men was like no I can't pay u for dates I have kids in college but if u want I could start a cleaning service business with you. This wasn't good enough for my mother. She continued going out with men and sneaking around. Anyways we could pay the rent and I was on a lease I n the apartment with her, leading our names to go to collection and end up getting nearly evicted. I move out, finding a room for just me. Then she tells me I need to help her pay storage I give her 100 dollars. Then when I am about to move again she needs another 100 to 200 dollars because she's getting an apartment with a boyfriend of hers, when he said she could live with him in his sisters house rent free. She didn't care, she still wanted money from me a broke college student with a now ruined credit score. I now live with my fiancee and some other roommates but still have changed credit, no car and owe about 4000 dollars in collections from the apartment. She also didn't get me drivers ed as a kid even though we were okay financially but now that she's on welfare she gonna get my 15 yr old brother driving lessons, when she didn't do that for me and I'm nearly 22, barely got my drivers liscence because my fiancee taught me, my mother discouraged me from driving
When your married to a narc and your the sole provider you need to hide some of your income as the narc will expect you to either give it to them or spend it on the.
Yup!
Yes! This guy I was dating was ALWAYS asking me for money. I'm a single mom. He was a perfectly healthy young man and could work for more money if he needed it. He would have a HUGE problem when I would tell him no.
@@genevievepineda2600 yes mine would ask and ask for money until I had nothing left. His checking account was always in the negative
@@SunandSunflowers yes! This guy would drink like crazy.
In my experience and that of my support group the abusers always found our secret stashes of money.
Underemployed, refusing to look for work, dropping out of school...trying to make you panic and fix it for the family. Thank God I figured it out. Thank you for your videos.
Very valuable information! I don't feel so alone in this anymore. Still finding my way with your help. I'm grateful to both of you!
I second this.
Still finding my way, too. These are wonderful videos...the best I have found. It's as if each one of them was made for ME. I'm very grateful that I found this website last night....after finding wicked things that my narcissist mother left in my mailbox...while riding by to stalk me yet again. These people are really sick, and they call US the "crazy ones." Everything in this world is backwards or upside down.
Your not alone
Comrades, yes it helps.
Thank you for this video- I finally feel validated & understood & no longer alone!! This video describes my life. My son & I have been reduced to nothing financially due to my narc husband smh
It's an ongoing struggle to regain self confidence and finance Independence after escaping a narcissist.
Yes...but well worth the effort if is means reclaiming your dignity. Dr. C
So do I ; )
If I needed to go to the dollar tree for for bathroom spray he would give me one dollar exactly. How insulting and belittling is that
Agreed
Thankyou very much.had it all.2 narcissists(or3) later...starting at ground zero.thx for the support
My ex was a millionaire doctor. When we got married within one month, he put me on a budget and then gave me a check once a month--then he did not take a salary. It barely covered expenses. He also refused to get a life insurance policy to take care of me--he was 20 years older than I. He controlled the finances in our marriage and I thereby refused to give up my career and continued to work much to his dismay. I also filed tax returns separately. Another reason I was glad to get out--he wanted to control me financially.
Someone had to look out for you, and you were the one who stepped up! Dr. C
How smart u were!!!! Wish I had been that smart with my narcissistic marriage, I wasn’t or I prob wouldn’t be sitting here watching these videos right now lol. I was a little bit smarter the next narc I had serious relationship with but not much. And I guess smart isn’t the correct word. I did quit job when he and I moved in together but I had to start working again later bc he was not paying any of my bills or giving me any $ . He had a very serious very bad gambling problem. I knew I neeeded to make $ to leave and just to cover basic stuff I needed that he wouldn’t or couldn’t bc he preferred to gamble or buy HIMSELF new clothes shoes etc. those coupled with drug addiction made for a shitty “partner.” I knew I had to make my own money and before long he was gambling the rent away and every month I was having to come up with some of it plus billls and pocket money for him. I think I let him know too much bc he started assuming I could cover it but I had to account for every minute of my time Away from apt we shared. He on the other hand could stay gone for a cpl days with his new supply I’m assuming without so much as an explanatory text. I should have hid the $ bc he would go thru my purse regularly to inventory my $ and if he bothered to ask for $ and I said I didn’t have it he would rage that he knew I did he counted etc and how greedy/selfish I was. Plus one of the few times he was sorta kind to me was when I gave him all my money freely. If he neeeded it for dr, if hand it over or for this or that or cell phone etc he had no problem blowing thru $600 of $900 I had one week and only limited bc I hid some. During that week he was nicer so I’d try giving him whatever I had but no sooner then I’d run out he would become abusive and disrespectful again. I mean within the hour. Then the nights out began again and eventually he started stealing from my wallet while I slept or showered whenever he could. He would say I forced him to do it by pissing him off and him having this horrible disease (gambling). Or he would claim that I told him he could while I was passed out. Or the worst was when he would become so nasty Nd telll me that I should have always given him every dime bc he’s so attractive and good in bed etc that finally I was worth something when I could contribute. Contribute? That’s rent but giving him money to blow is different in my boook. Soon he started claiming we had extra expenses I neeeded to cover like renters insurance and I would only to find notice thAt he had not paid it. Soon it was obvious he was lying and gambling every cent he could steal from me. He would claim it shouldn’t be a surprise and I should know already and have saved and been prepared. He claimed I cost him so much $ , even though he paid for nothing of mine at this point, but bc I blocked him from using “his” apt to bring other women and that other better women could pay all his bills, rent, clean better and not mouth off. Even after he got us evicted and I was homeless, carless etc I went to see him and fell asleep, he once again emptied my walllet of the last hundred dollars I had leaving me stranded at a hotel in Las Vegas with no way to get anyplace no food no home to sleep etc...then became verbally and physically abusive when I confronted him. Again claimed I told him to take it while I slept. SMH I can’t even believe what a sucker I am as i write this. What’s worse is the he’s not the worst narc I’ve allowed in my life. My ex husband was prob worse...esp the financial abuse.but at least he never stole from me. (My soul, my child, my health, my family, resources, yes but nvr took cash from my purse.)
Who needs Narcs like this in our lives? I have shut myself down to new relationships as this could kill me now that I am older if that is all I can attract. I am better off alone. I can provide my own safety and living.
J Lee So sorry you went through that, but I am glad you are out. My late husband did not fill out the forms to cover me as a survivor for one of his pensions (I did get a smaller one from a different job) which would have made a huge difference in my life since he passed). He blamed it on the pension fund people just before he did but I discovered otherwise..always dirty little secrets to be uncovered. Am healing now and feel blessed to have a good job and good therapy. These videos and community help as well.
Mel thank you. I will not have a large retirement. He was supposed to pay me $200,000 in a settlement and he stayed in Cairo, Egypt and never paid me one dime. It was court ordered, but who is going to go over there to force him to pay? It was over in 2001 and I am glad to have it all over. If I think about what I do not have then it would be a waste of my time now. I have to provide for myself as I will get nothing from my parents who are narcissistic and abusive.
I'm so glad that this is a subject that is being discussed and explained and really exposed because a lot of times suffers like myself tend to think.....what am I doing wrong? why can't I make it better no matter what efforts I make. And the abuse just goes on and on. and when you bring these matters up or explain something to someone about your partner they look at you like oh well it's just simple quarrel or there's something little more deep-seeded, there is something you're not realizing you are doing wong...but really in all actuality you could be pulling your weight and doing your part and it don't matter you still are wrong always wrong and your partner will always make sure that you feel inferior and that you're the reason and the cause of all the negativity in the household. Its a never ending cycle.
Thanks for these comments. I'm hoping you will be able to learn how to maneuver through this issue as you watch the others videos as well, and then you can string together a clear picture of what you are up against. Dr. C
Try wasting 30 years and your health on a person who will toss you away at will.
I was led to believe that my reality was not as I saw it. I literally thought I was having psychotic breakdowns and losing my mind. I know I have mood swings because I'm bipolar but I never have gotten this angry and screamed at the top of my lungs before. I'm literally not myself anymore and I'm planning on leaving. Thank you for sharing this
It is a never ending cycle they're never happy it doesn't matter how hard you try to do everything right they will find a way to start a fight and make you feel like a failure and it's only because they really feel insecure and inferior and can't ever be wrong or blamed for anything and you have to be less than them it's sick. My husband has actually made me pay for so many of the expenses just to make sure I have nothing while he sits on a pile of money I have no access to
God I remember this all too well. I was one of the lucky ones that was told "It's my money, I earn it, I'll do what I want with it"; even though it was me that did all of the budgeting and bill paying. Then I was shamed for not being able to buy something that he wanted or pay a particular bill; when I found out too late that yet another ATM withdrawal of $300 was done; and couldn't remember where it went or it was 'stolen'. God, I'm so thankful to be out of that marriage.
No narcissist has a healthy relation to money, I suppose. I've known several narcissists in my life, and for all of them, money was a huge trigger, linked to power, control, status etc. There was always issues.
My father died when I was 11, from that point on my mother only supplied a roof over my head, a bed and food. I had to earn money to buy my clothes, toiletries, haircuts, school supplies, etc. There were no extra curricular activities because I couldn't afford them and we lived in the country and my mother refused to drive me. She'd scream at me how I didn't deserve anything good/nice, and scream at me or severely ridicule me if anyone gave me a gift or did anything good/nice for me. One of my brothers and my sister were in on it, both Narcs themselves. Then I married a Narc and things just deteriorated. I had to document everything I spent. I didn't know how much money he made or what he spent his money on. He had a secret account. I couldn't believe the lies, the manipulations, gaslighting, ridicule, degradation...and everyone thought he was a Saint. My needs or wants were NEVER met. I did get out after 15 years and the divorce was messy of course. When I left him, he did everything he could to make my life a financial hell to force me back to him. He literally tried to freeze and starve me out of where I was living after I left him. I would have rather starved to death than return. He cleaned out and closed chequing and savings accounts that were in both our names. Made ridiculous legal demands, stalling tactics, refusals to sign off agreements and documents, then stalled for over 6 months on signing off on the divorce. My second husband teases me about how I "grilled" him when we were dating and how hard he had to work to earn my trust. Happy to say, he's the exact opposite of the demon I was once married to.
Bless you and your endurance and your commitment to living a healthier life.
Omg this is my husband. I am literally crying while watching this. Yall have no idea
Hang in there honey and be strong ... Figure out your exit strategy and then get out ! I can't give you better advice then that ......................................... :)
Two houses foreclosed. Lost my car. I know live in a trailer and have no job or vehicle and half the time I have no idea where he is. 6 bankruptcies and I had no clue until Google told me.
Oh yes I do understand because it’s been happening to me for five years. Since I became physically disabled. He has bullied and threatened and conned me off of my families land title of 60 years. He’s stollen everything and cut me off of everything. And now he’s cutting off my phone tonight at midnight he said. I can’t live with his abuse and after building a half million dollar estate for my self, he is going to force me into homelessness. He has literally robbed me of any way to even help my self.
Simply GET OUT NOW GIRL RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN HE IS NOT WORTH IT🙏🏾
I know exactly how you feel. 💖
I want to cry. I am living with this right now. Our monthly income is 6400$ and my soon-to-be ex has repeatedly cut my access off to family money and repeatedly bully me over the groceries I buy for our home. He insists on having control over everything. He bought himself a laptop, opened a secured credit card and made 600$ in payments on it ( not to mention the 500$ as the secured credit card deposit) but refused to get our son a bed because the old one broke. He repeatedly buys himself whatever he wants and even after me filing for divorce he still repeatedly has taken my access to family money while I have supported his career and not built any retirement benefits for myself. I put in a contempt of court mention and the hearing is coming up soon. I finally understand the abuse and exactly what he is doing. I just so angry and feel so stupid that I let it happen and didnt recognize it.
BRAVO!
My husband (ex) and my brother BOTH financially abusive...I knew this was a component of narcissism but have never heard anyone talk about it.
Both covert narcissists...ex would set me up, telling me to 'fill the house with furniture', or when we had company come he'd have me bring in groceries, take ppl out for entertaining, give his daughter money, and there was the time when he lent a logger 248,000.00 dollars of which he was able to recover just over half...
then when we divorced he claimed I stole from him.
My brother has money, my mom passed and left home with mortgage.
He holds my sister and me hostage, threatening that he wont pay the mortgage...I told him no one's holding a gun to his head, dont pay it idc. I dont live in the state the home is in, but sadly my sister could live there she really needs a better living situation.
He is an absolute ass and doesnt even see her hardship!
I feel REALLY SORRY for his two cats, he is a stingy pet owner as well...they dont even get to go outside (not even a kitty peeper window or cat trees) and he only sees what he wants not what actually IS.
I went no contact.
I'd rather continue to heal
from a 20 year marriage and be free than put up with this bs again.
But I feel really bad for my sister.
This is so important to understand. I have been the victim of my husband's financial abuse for 37 years. I only recently discovered the depth of the deception. I don't even know I'd I can ever be free from the financial entanglement or ever have money to survive on. I am truly emotionally & financially devastated.
I can relate only too well to your situation. But don´t give up, keep on working as much as you can even if it´s tough, pay into a retirement account, save as much as you can for the future, live on a tight budget while still taking pleasure in things that cost little or nothing . You can dig yourself out of this hole. If I did it, so can you. Keep on keeping on and best of luck.
You can do it Nina! One day at a time. Get away from him and stay away. They not only steal money, they try to steal your soul and your self respect. They are empty shells. Nothing there for you. I haved learned the hard way.
@@hollywoodharriet13 Nina Klein. This post is 5 months old. Where are you now? Please update. Thank you.
@@dellatompkins3789 I've totally moved on thanks to God. I don't even listen to these type of videos anymore, but I tell you this community certainly helped me get through it. I don't think about my narcissistic family members much anymore and their past behavior toward me no longer hurts. But when I do think of them I feel sad and guilty, like maybe I am harboring un-forgiveness? But when I think about dealing with them I think they will treat me the same way, greedy and disrespectful. I don't pay for that anymore. Hope Nina is doing well.
Where are you Nina?
This is just anouther part of the abuse to make their victims submissive.
Been through it all..
Thank you Dr Carter and Shannon Thomas for helping survivors in the manny ways you do.
Love and appreciate you both! Thank you! Xo
My husband controls everything. I was told finances are none of my business. I know he is making bad financial decisions, but I have no authority to stop him- unless I file for divorce which will also impact me financially.
This is the conundrum so many people face. Yet you need to become aware of your rights and options. Dr. C
Leave! Get a good lawyer!
Nancy Luckhurst: The same thing happened to me. He also used the same threats and manipulations that the authors of this video describe. His operational premis: "What´s mine is mine and what´s yours is mine, too". The laws of the country that we were living in at that time also supported the patriarchial model, plus I was considered a foreign citizen. But I finally managed to regain control over my life after the children were grown, kept on working and built enough financial security to ensure my survival in old age while still helping out the kids and keeping a roof over our heads. Get out asap if you can. His favorite phrase was "Before I give up (fill in the blank), you will have to leave." I couldn´t leave for decades because he manipulated everything: the money, the kids, the laws, me. But I finally did, even though it left me holding the bag. He walked away scott free with his hidden assets and quickly moved on to another clueless source of supply he had waiting in the wings. Get out if you can, better sooner than later.
I heard to say that some people had to change their names, escape the country, in order to avoid to pay their dishonest partner's HUGE bills!
That’s right. “You are on a need to know basis and you don’t need”. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that one Mine opens CC bill and starts listing off my charges. But never his. Used to ride me on how much I spent st grocery store and I would start explaining and then say he didn’t want to know. Once when we were newly married we were in Cancun and he bought something for me after bartering the price down but when he got change back it was wrong (pesos). And I said wait you should’ve gotten his much back so ended up paying more than original price. He got so mad at me How ungrateful of me that he threw all the change at me and I had to take bus back to hotel while he stayed out all night drinking and we were leaving next day. When I reminded recently of course he doesn’t remember. But he remembers how his dad promised him a certain baseball glove that he never got. I hear that one all the time. Apple🍎doesn’t fall to far from the tree 🌳
We bought a home for 29,500 in our second year of marriage. Twenty-five years later I was told we owed 24,000 and that was one of the reasons we could not afford new school clothing for the kids or a specialist for my daughter’s severe asthma. I investigated this with the loan company and learned that our home was collateral on a $25,000 loan. For what?? A hair transplant, new clothes for a girlfriend from a fancy store in which I was never allowed to shop, groceries and a car for her. I was astounded, as I had been getting my clothes from secondhand store for years and my kids were wearing hand-me-downs from a neighborhood teenager. Everything I had ever asked for in all those years had been refused to me with the excuse, “We can’t afford it.” I guess that was financial abuse, right?
Yes, no doubt! Dr. C
lve been Financially Abused my whole life. First my Dad, than my husband (who embezzled $$$ while constantly telling me l "was nickle-ing and dime-ing him to death) and now, my Narcissistic boyfriend (who l just broke up with). Also by Employers. l think it stems from low self esteem in my early childhood development.
Buy lotto ticket you'll win xxxxx
Abuser complaining the money isn't there in the budget to deprive his spouse of the bed and breakfast honeymoon = classic. One partner makes a reasonable request; the other chronically denies it. Very instructive!!
Thank you Dr. C 🙏🏼 so happy I came across this video! Fortunately it was only $1500.00 over a one month period, but still I went against my better judgement every time he asked for money. He manipulated me and I am still fresh getting out of the relationship. Lies and deception are the foundation..... so sad but true.
Another great, helpful video! Thank you, Dr C! Thanks, Shannon! My ex narc lied about having cancer, needing $$$$ for medical bills. Being scammed out of a lot of money was bad, but that isn't the worst of it. I'll spare us all the details. I just hope women find the strength to get out, own your finances, take care of yourself bcz he wont take care of you. Same for men with women narcs, as I'm sure that's out there too as they stated. It's abuse. It's fraud. It's so painful!
I've heard from others with the story of lying about a serious disease. Do these people not think about getting discovered? Amazing. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism once they have your $$ they have gotten what they want. The kicker is when i finally emailed, bcz he wouldn't call me back, he "wanted to square the record". Ie. Image management always about him. What a huge lesson! I never responded, done with it all. Can you do a video on co dependent anorexia? Thx
How do they think we would believe their wild claims?
@@hollywoodharriet13 its that old saying, the bigger the lie, the more believable. Because who would lie about cancer, right?
Hell yeah it’s painful ... I earn less now than I was when with her and I can’t believe how my savings is accumulating ... she was stealing money from me all the time and I didn’t even know it ... little cash backs here and there all month long .. ugh
My ex narc was insane about money. The constant control
The damage these narcs do. My husband and I have been together for 8 years now. It's been only this last year that he has finally been able to weather the emotional storm that comes from 13 years of such abuse. For those who have never been through the experience but are with someone who has, be patient. This to shall pass.
Yes...thanks for these comments. Dr. C
oh crap I just went through the no phone nightmare. this September 2018 I have my cellphone on 3 days now. I couldn't have my cellphone on since September 2017. thank God I'm out I talked to my kids and they can call anytime now. I almost cried with relief.
That's a form of imprisonment. N's like to keep you isolated. No! Dr. C
He had all our mobile phone contracts under his name. Then he write a letter to me saying that he'd only pay for both our daughters' contracts. I now have an alternative phone number that I got even before he stopped my mobile phone service.
I worked. I sold plasma. I got loans. I paid and paid and paid and was told I should stand on a corner with a sign to humble me and get more money. I am so grateful to God I am free yet sick to my soul that I lived this kind of life
It was a trap.
He was a dr. I had to come live with him in a new house.
I had a store, a practice and a appartment above it.
We would work together.
Dont take your stuff. We will buy new ones.
End of the story.
I lost my stuff job house.
I was not allowed to work.
Isolated.
I could not escape i had nothing.
He started to give less and less.
I had to work in secret to feed my kid.
As a dr s wife!
It was one of the horrible things he did.
I was homeless when he tried to kill me.
But looking back i should have never been afraid.
Run there will never be a good moment to escape!
Better today than next week.
The abuse will get worse.
That's exactly what he told me, 'don't bring your stuff, we will buy new ones.'
my ex's used to do this making sure they would keep me broke when i would work always making sure to spend my pay check before i got payed . I didn't know how to pay bills with my first ex at 36 i had to learn how to pay bills and manage a house hold, trying to keep me with him he thought if i never had money i would never leave him, 2001 i left him with nothing in my pocket only the cloths i wore and with my daughter . i didnt think there was a such thing as financial abuse . you are describing my ex , wow ! thank you so much for posting this its helped me so much. they threaten with out comming out and saying it . its almost like they beat the life and soul out of you . then they tell you why are you so depressed all this i give you this big house i pay all the bills and you should be thankful all you do is set home and do nothing all day. he told me this for 20 years . i made it!! i know if theres hope for me theres hope for anyone . he took almost everything from me but my life and my daughter . i am so grateful to be out . thank you so much for this post .
Totally relate to all you say Karla
That reminds me of my ex: he would rant constantly: “I pay all the bills!” But he didn’t, just the household ones. I covered a lot of other things like the pets, holidays, clothing, the car; plus he earned more.
Thank God u were strong enough God bless
OmG. Sounds just like my husband of 18 years!! Habitual Liar!! Especially about money!
Married 10 years he still evades information on how much he gets paid, states he's in so much debt, has a high paying job, spends freely, yet blames ME for debt. Yet he was in debt before I met him. I am a nurse so I make decent money. I keep ALL our finances separate, file separate taxes and I save yet spend as I please because I refuse to be a victim in what I can control. I refuse to let him totally control me. He hates it and therefore works hard at manipulating me (or trying to). He states he has to file bankruptcy yet hasn't and it's been a year since he started saying this. He lies so much! I just never trust his word. Sad marriage but I'm in the process of getting out. Liberating!!
Keep going....keep your self respect....keep going.
Yvette your story sounds so familiar I refuse to let my husband control every aspect of my life especially when he does nothing for me financially, physically or emotionally he has his money separate and I know nothing about how much he has or where his accounts are. He manipulates me by withholding money for groceries, utilities, anything he can to make me suffer, I still hold my head up high and pay what I can and do without things I need while he's getting packages from Amazon daily
That special guest helped to save & rebuild my life. So grateful to her and her book "Healing from Hidden Abuse"
Wow, thank you for talking about this topic… I believe that a lot of people do not think that this is abuse… But it’s straight up is! 👍🏻
So true. Passive aggressive. Ignores court orders, but I am so tired of dealing with him, that I just want to be left alone. I provide 95% of the financial support for our children.
Thank you for exposing the behaviour and really pulling the veil back regarding financial abuse of a narcissist. 🙏
I've experienced a narcissist manipulating circumstances so she could exploit me when the time was right. While blameshifting and gaslighting me her threats were so subtle I had no idea they were threats...then they became full blown screaming threats as I wasn't giving her what she wanted. She is so so manipulative and vile. I'm still processing the fact I was groomed, set up and financially manipulated and abused. Her flying monkey was her enabler in it all. He of course was being controlled, manipulated and abused by her too. It has been a very lonely journey but youtube videos and the community have educated and helped me so much. I'm sorry for others who have also experienced any kind of abuse by a narcissist. Sending healing your way. 😊🙏🪷
I'm sobbing. Every single thing you said, all the way to fraud. I'm struggling so hard. I am trying to survive after living this life for almost 25 years. He is now threatening me that our divorce better go the way HE expects or I will regret it. I'm very scared.
Suanne Pool get a restraining order and protection (hint, hint). Learn how to use it properly.
Stop being scared and put your ducks in a row. He wants you to be distracted and fail to think or act for yourself. Get a good attorney no matter what he says. Your rights matter. Remember that your goal is to get and stay free...not to get even.
Suanne, I was in your shoes when I left my ex of 30 years. I was a SAHM for 20 years. I did it and you can too! Get a job...any job to start. It will do your self esteem a world of good.
Thank you for bringing this to attention.... my husband of 56 years has steadily gotten worse, and controls everything. I go without my basic needs and even medication at times. He hides all money, and I am not even allowed to know what he makes. I am allowed to cook, and clean, and only speak when he wants me to. I am not allowed to question him on anything, Or it's a huge argument with either the silent treatment or a rage, which sometimes I am hurt, but no matter he always can buy anything he wants and does.
However, financially he holds all, and I can't seem to figure out at my age now how to support myself, or even if I am able to deal with it all. But somehow I know I must.
Charlotte, if you can, go to a women´s shelter. They also can give you pointers on how to get legal advice. Good luck.
I had to get away from my 20 year marriage via a women's shelter. I had asked him for a divorce and things just got worse and obviously he refused to discuss any separation. I did not know at this point that he was a narcissist. Don't let him know that you want to leave.
Good thought! Dr. C
I know that my response is a shocker. after you have had so many years together but it works. I am sorry for your loss, yet I hope that you find your strength. The new life is yours to grab and it's hard at first but it gets so much easier when time forgets the brainwashing and even though I'm 50 now I finally confidentally walk down the street.
Am sorry and I feel you..you just echoed my life
Great topic !!!!! I am in middle of divorce with narcissistic ex. He is always in control of our finance. He aways say he is short of money, then he will buy ski pass. Take his kids to over sea. Such such. One morning I break down to my attorney. It’s nothing was wrong just because I was worry I was been abused by him through divorce in finance. I have to explain to My attorney why I was panic. There is history of abuse in this area.
My ex claimed we couldn't afford the medication the doctor said was necessary to keep me from having a heart attack. Our youngest son heard him say it just before he talked our 3rd son into going to wrestling camp for the summer and he started taking personal trips out of state for marathons.
That was 8 years ago, and my son still brings it up any time his father is mentioned.
The effects extend well beyond the here and now. All of us survivors (me and my 4 sons) still have trouble with our relationships with money.
The narc im married to has control of everything. I don't cook, clean dishes, clean house. Get a job he sabbatoge' s it.
He controls the money. If I need something I ask and he decides if I can have it. Mind you im 61 yrs old. Forgot how to do all these things right. It took me 22 yrs to finally put a name to this hell me and my children have lived. No one likes me yet they all think he is the best. Im trying to make my escape plan.
When my parents were still married they were having some financial problems. One of them is a Narc. Some money went missing so early in the morning after my parents finished arguing, my brother and I were called in their room. He was 13, I was 12 I think. We were accused because it was just the four of us in the house. My father asked us about his money but I said I don't know where the missing money's gone. And my brother said he doesn't know either. We were called liars and got a beating from hell and as one parent beat us the narcissistic one watched and my brother and I kept screaming we know nothing about the missing money until they gave up.
The evening of that day, my brother and I come back home from playing outside and we're told they found the money. My brother and I kept asking "where where" and nothing of that nature was ever revealed. We smilled relieved because they seemed relieved also that the money was found. The money was important. I don't remember a sincere apology for having beaten us so severely.
I too was beaten as a child for something that I had no idea I did. My dad wouldn’t tell me. He said you know what you did. It still hurts 50 years later. I can’t change the past and I also don’t like to dwell on it.
Get out stay out
Thanks so much for this. Another pattern of behavior that I have experience with a partner who promised financial assistance and then when the time came, giving me all but $20 of the financial support promised. It was a weird mind game. I would figure out a way to make up the nominal difference, but the underlying message was his power over me. With the help of a therapist, I was able to get to a situation where I didn't have to plead each day for living expenses. It was insane because I was living on my own before, but the toll that it took was on my sense of worth, being loved and ability to ask for things and one of the strangest things was understanding how I found this acceptable and felt powerless. When you are used to loving relationships, the behavior is just weird and you learn to adapt to keep the peace - because it all seems so small and petty, but I wasn't recognizing the greater picture on what the aim was in these tactics.
Thank you. Exactly what I needed. The financial abuse I experienced from the narc that was draining me utterly ruined my life. Thankfully I was smart enough to leave a fake bank statement around saying I had no cash and she left within a week with no reasoning and the coldest most disgusting breakup ever. I may have been able to manage the rest of the abuse as I was rather used to it from childhood however the financial abuse took my dreams away from my grasp forever. No one sees the cause or the impact she had and yet the effects have been utter chaos. If it wasn't for the financial abuse though. I'm not sure I would have had objective evidence to verify that I was being drained because they make you feel good about being used to a certain degree. And then I see that it's happened with every woman I've ever dated. They were all just draining me. Demand expensive gifts and give nothing in return and then make life hell because you now have less time to focus on them because you're working 2 times harder with a 3rd job feeding them and paying for their lifestyle whilst she refused to work and stayed at home doing nothing but watching movies and TV shows about criminals.
Thanks for your comments! Dr. C
They are lazy loafers aren’t they? My husband is lazy as hell. Sickening.
🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
Sept îles Québec Canada
the sad thing is there is no legal recourse to recover the money due you. my husband owes me many thousands.
thank you for talking about this. I am really grateful for your videos it has helped tremendously. I am curruntly struggling with this problem. My grandparents have done so much damage when making me fear money and income it affected my ability to earn, to keep jobs and the expect you to drop everything and spend time with them so you don't have any time to think and to relax so im constantly stressed out. I am so greatful that I found your channel. They also told me that I can't get my dream job and they triggered me with them telling me they would send me back to social services. They made abandonment issues so much worse.
Shayla that's so sad to threaten you with sending you back to social services. Money is power to the narcissist and they have to be powerful and in control of you and it's always about them no matter what
You don’t need their money make your own money think for yourself they using mind control move with a friend heck I’d choose social services I got lucky got good home
I didn't being under-employed was financial abuse. That was my ex-husband. He never worked a full-time job. I did, and I did the vast, vast majority of the domestic chores.
Yep mine too. He had work skills that should have been earning him 6 figures but chose to stay in minimum wage jobs and keep us at borderline poverty level.
My narc consistently stayed out of work and relied on me to provide everything, before I met him he had ripped off several banks and had bad credit rating. He would always want the most expensive clothes, food etc and smoked 60 cigarettes a day, and became an alcoholic. He would nag and threaten until I bought what he wanted. He had cars,but never would take his driving test,he would pull them to pieces and after he got them they were never what he wanted, he would smash them up in temper and I would then have to pay to have them removed. His tantrums cost me a fortune in the house replacing broken doors etc and redecorating. I am in thousands of pounds of debt. Lo and behold when he did get a job he spent all his wages mainly on himself in 2 days of getting them, then continued borrowing mine never to pay anything back. Finally discarding me because he landed a well paid job and considered himself an elite. What a fool I have been.
Denise Clarke, your not a fool but a victim. He is a predator.
That's what some of them do. I wish you well as you move forward without this drama. Dr. C
Denise, you dear soul, I would rather be you or me, on my death bed, than be a single one of them. sigh.... x
You're not a fool! Love is truly blind. There are many like you, both men and women. I run into them on an almost daily basis.
I was like you, although my ex was employed most of our marriage. When my parents died, and he knew I was to inherit a sizable sum, he began poisoning me. I couldn't even take black coffee frim his hand. Then he tried to convience me that I was going to have a nervous break down. When I had my ducks in a row, I left with my son. I say "my son" because my ex wanted to have nothing to do with him when he wanted to be his own person, and not a miniature version of himself. In addition, the judge refused to grant me child support. I had to leave California because he was stalking and trying to kill me, and I couldn't get a restraining order. God is good, and I believe that everything that was stolen from you will be restored. God's peace and blessings to you, in addition to healings if mind, heart and soul.
Not true loyalty is a thing of the past we are the last to know it often being so called real. Don't be mad at urself God will bless u
I've experienced it all. The malignant narc took everything, my Mom's house, our business, our home, our kids, my reputation and almost my life. He's dead now. Sorry I am not sorry.
Thank you for showing how horrible the consequences of narcissism can be.
Be very aware of the passive aggressive narcissist.
I rented a house with this person from a family member for 4yrs before buying.
Only in the aftermath of the relationship have I found that the family member who owned the property doesn't own it.
The persons parents own it & believe it's not the first time the family have done this.
If you suspect your partner of being narcissistic don't hesitate to check finance paperwork before signing anything.
Lucky for me I think I can turn it all around but still involved with an illusion.
The dream of a home & family have gone.
Looks like I can salvage having a house out of it.
Hard accepting the reality as I so wanted children & still left healing from all the lies.
Check everything & leave behind that people pleasing mentality.
The narcissist relies upon your good nature.
Thank you for bringing light & education on this type of abuse. It is very difficult to explain or label. My abuser would say, " I do not abuse you, I do not hit you". Had to control everything from soap, light bulbs to monitoring food intake.
Once again...thank you both so much. God bless you both.
I endured threats of disinheritance from my dad my entire adult life for maintaining personal boundaries. It was great motivation to save for retirement!
This is what I needed 21 years ago. I have subscribed to the channels of 3 Christian Pastors whose messages are powerful and wonderful...and somehow this channel has come through to my feed. I’m going through a divorce(on my own terms) after 21 years of marriage to a Narcissistic someone.
I know this channel is God’s way of letting me further know that He has been with me through it all.
Thank you so much for your work🙏🏿
I created a Tide to Me account, once I started putting away 10% of EVERYTHING I Earned, my power seemed to begin returning, I now had the monetary power to walk away .. I was no longer at his feet... no one needs to know about what or where u are stashing the money ... keep it to yourself... let no man know ... that is not his / her business..
I was with my ex for 34years and never knew exactly how much he earned, he was self employed. I read somewhere if an adult has controlling issues about money it is a deep rooted issue from their childhood. My ex had a odd childhood and I can now see the connection with his money controlling issues. The biggest problem was I have suffered for all those years and my ex took his issues out on me and used me as an emotional punch bag instead of confronting his parents about his childhood.
It takes time to develop an understanding of this pattern, but now that you're on it, I hope your life takes a turn for the better! Dr. C
Thank you Dr C, yours and other peoples videos on UA-cam have been the greatest help. If I’m truly honest I think they are better than paying for therapy because you can read the general public’s thoughts, reply’s, different angle and experiences. It’s a bit like a worldwide group therapy and there are a lot of people out there who have gone through the same experience as me, but when you go through this form of narcissistic abuse you feel so alone and through your abusers brain washing you do blame your self and feel like you are going mad.
I have turned my life around completely and the happiest day of my life was when I got rid of my husband 😃
Analyze it for growth but have no sympathy for the narc.
Omg! I’ve been married to a NARC for 20 yrs Aug 26! The money control and the lies that he’s told were always about ME spending absorbent amounts of money and I’ve always argued with him about it! The mind fuck I deal with is CRAZY! I’ve realized since this last July that he has a bookie and has lost almost $10,000 of our money...’IN 3 MONTHS…not included is the stealing of our gold to pay his debt or I’m sure I have NO idea the money he’s gambled since he’s been a gambler since I’ve known him…and he lied about it before I married him but I didn’t know anything about what gambling addiction was!!!!
I know of…he has lied over and over and stolen our gold to pay 0ff the debt with his bookie which I busted him and he admitted it but he’s still doing his NARC stonewalling and ignoring me for 3 months now… EVIL isn’t even the right word for this…it’s fucking diabolical!
Wow that is my prayer at the end of the day there are issues narcs refuse to deal with
Yes. I spent 3 years paying off my now exes tax debt, His defaulted student loans, his car accidents when he had no insurance, the list goes on and on. I left, but I've never fully financially recovered. I lost a decade of earning trying to keep up with his mistakes.
I have dealt with all of these things.So much fraud.The hardest part is to try to stay positive and not let your teen kids know -even though they hate you for getting any child support “moms don’t really work just dads do.”Dad says.
But you can’t explain how bad things are without hurting them.Sometimes surviving another 24 hours is a super power.
wow thanks I'm out and I went shopping for real for the first time without my narc in a year it was awesome. I lost everything in a house fire and her controlled the money now my money is mine again. I got the basics and am starting to feel like I'm on my way to being back .this is the fist thing I've seen on financial abuse and we need to have more information on this out there
Thanks for your comments, and good luck in your rebuilding efforts. That's why I wanted to interview Shannon. Dr. C
Congratulations
When my grandfather passed I believe my dad took all of the money that was meant for my grandmother. He put her in a nursing home instead of getting a private nurse. Then he sold my grandparents house and pocketed the money.
I am legally owed years of spousal support. He even dared to take me court when I became homeless. In spite of that I won in court tho support was greatly reduced. He still did not pay. No lawyer will help. Now he is dying from his double life. This is all very real for me. Now I have a patron who is also a severe narc. I barely sleep. At 71 legally disabled but highly educated I live in terror of homelessness. I have managed purely by grace. May narc mom was very ill and controlled me and taught me a women must have a man. This is very painful and I am glad to have this resource. This is criminal. He hid money. I got off his taxes when he left. Took years. He seems to occasionally have money when I beg. I have to act sick to get his attention. This enrages me. I repress it and it has health issues. Many thanks.
So good, I watched it twice! It's the insidious nature of this unsettling abuse that is so hard to put into words. Shannon Thomas puts together a montage of "small" and large, but always mean, financial incidents, that are humiliating, undermining and damaging. She gives a sense of what it's like to be caught-up in this dark dynamic.
boy oh boy!!! I left a narcissistic husband and immediately became involved with another narcissist - and they BOTH played all kinds of financial games. The husband was very passive aggressive and the rebound choice just outright lied and manipulative with money.; both made LOTS of threats. Unfortunately, I learned a lot. I re-married a very nice man who doesn't understand why I insist on my own bank account. I have a good job, make my bills and don't touch his money but he is not to touch mine either. After the abuse from my 1st husband and then my stupid choice of that boyfriend, I have lots of trust issues. Thank you for this video.
Thank you for this. It is hard for me to walk away because of financial limits. I was also asked to choose between him and my job/s *happened more than once* to prove that He means more to me than my job. Slowly got to where I fully depend on him for money, no job, no money, I have to always ask. Now I am trying to find income and to re-arrange my whole life to settle without him while he’s at at the back of my head telling me I’m a terrible mother he would stay as long as I don’t have income. Now I want him out and he’s still trying to control this. Wish me luck 🤞
I'm so EMPOWERED by the information that you have exposed and Im so grateful for the confirmation of my own TRUTH. I'm leaving very soon from this ABUSE and I am gonna do my part TO SAVE MY SOUL in EXPOSING of these evil entities in every way possible. I have been planning for a long time and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. Thank you for your service to our CAUSE.
NAMASTE~
I was taken for all I had....and it was done so overtly so manipulative... I can hardly believe it happened.. these narc are expert at taking everything from you .... such confusion .... such control... I'm so glad I'm out of that... .. lost my house and major money.... I never knew the words love bombing and gas lighting until it was too late..but now I see where he did it and it was nasty.. NEVER AGAIN. Thanks for the video.. ...
Same thing happened to me
Yes they are so good at changing the stories you almost start to think it was your fault.. that's why I eventually felt so guilty living off of my ex's money.. (even though it wasn't my fault I couldn't work..)
they manipulate you in such a way you just give them your money so they stop complaining about it..
After we broke up my narc ex had the balls to tell me that it was my own choice to use up most of my money from my savings account.. while he kept accusing me for "using him for his money" and that I "didn't want to work" (when he didnt want me to work in the first place!)
But you mostly notice it when you're out of it.. I can now remember so many times he took care of the money and I just assumed he told me the truth.. but I'm sure he has hidden so much money or didn't tell me where he actually used it for..
Dr.Carter,thank you.i like the way you suggest self improvement to deal with the narcissist in your life.to know your boundaries and stick to them.what a great way for everyone to live.so what your suggesting is improve ones self image,know your boundaries and stand up for them.to be more self aware and be kind to yourself.good advice for everyone!!
Yes. The lies . Then the calling the police a dozen times. Then trying to lock me up- jail, psych units, unnecessary rehabs. And when I had to leave California to stay with my family in Connecticut, I was accused of abandonment
I started working at 16 because I was tired of looking like I was homeless and not having food in the house. I had to hide ALL my money (change included ) from my Narc mother. Once I worked the Xmas season and was paid $456 for 2 weeks,100 hours of work, I was 17. I never got to spend a dime of it. My mother found it and took it and spent all of it on herself. Me, I was so broke I had to borrow money from friends just so I could have food to eat. Motherly Love .....Not in my mother's house.
brilliant channel. LOVED the mention of "virtue and money". My ex and his family hid behind that always making me feel guilty and not good enough when I objected to my money being literally stolen. I mean it : helping themselves to my purse and stealing my money for food etc.
My husbands ex made him choose between me (his new wife) and his kids. The girls were 5 & 10 when this started. They are 20 & 25 now. They are both sociopaths and are incapable of any meaningful relationships. They are repeating the same exploitive behavior as their mother. He was paying the legal fees, had given her 60% of his assets (for a nine year marriage of a 25 year career) and paying her $2,500/month in child support. She expected, in addition to the child support, to use my husbands money any way she saw fit. She also had a ton of plastic surgery and left him with a lot of debt when she left. She cheated on him by joining a dating site while they were still married yet she accused my husband of cheating (he didn’t). When women do this, it has far greater devastation on the children (my ex did this as well but my children are much more emotionally healthy).
I was devastated by my Xnarc. Financially, my self esteem and my standing in the community. Please leave them,sooner rather than later! It’s hard ,everyone treats you differently but slowly it gets better.
Totally different scenario here. I stayed home and raised kids while he was building his career. Paying the bills and managing money and household was my job. Spending the money and "investing it" was his job. Oh, he would ask my opinion on business ventures but when I voiced specific questions and concerns, he would shut me down. He said I was being negative and not supportive then I'd get the silent treatment while he proceeded with what he wanted to do anyway. Big mistake being the sole manager of finances. After many failed investments, the blame is all at my feet. I couldn't perform the miracles he needed and he has a scapegoat.
My narcissistic husband loves to take the car keys and turn off the cable and internet when I don’t do what he wants.
As if you're a little girl. Geez. Dr. C
Simple solution here. Make a copy of car keys and add get data hotspot on your phone for 10$ extra a month. Dont tell him about either of these.
Wow, nothing has explained my situation better than this. Thank you.
I’ve been subject to every example here… thank you Shannon Thomas… and Dr C 🙏🙏💟☮️
Mine would put tons of business expenses on our family credit cards and then have his company reimburse him to another account. When I needed the money to pay our bills he made excuses and said he hadn’t got the reimbursement yet. This went on for years and added up to tens of thousands of dollars because he traveled the world on business.
Dr. Carter..deeoest gratitude for your wisdom and the tremendous effort snd compassion you put forth.
Blessings in the name of Jesus
My Cousin is like that and after seeing these clips as well as others I was blown away. They play on your kindness, compassion, and sympathy and they know it. We would go Clubbing in the 1980's and we would go for a Bite To Eat. He would say "I Can't Go It Because I Don't Have Any Money!" I would cover his Tab. By today's standards it would be "Well wait until we finish." He would "borrow" and he's so happy to get The Money he would "forget" he had to pay back. When you had the audacity to "ask" for what is rightfully yours, he would blow up at me, hollering at me for pestering him and "I don't' have the Money, if you were going to be like this I wouldn't have asked!" Deep down he was very ashamed because he knew he was in the wrong. Even to this day he doesn't apologize for what he did. Alot of his Old School Friends have all but washed their hands of him.
I hid money in our marriage out of fear of my STBX’s anger. He emotionally abused me, and I believe he’s a narcissist. He controlled our money so much, I had to explain every little charge. I had no freedom, so to avoid his anger, I hid money on the side. He’s now saying this is why he’s divorcing me because I can’t be trusted. Perhaps what I did was narcissistic (!?), but my intent wasn’t to control, it was to protect myself and done out of fear. But if he saw this video, he would take this as evidence that I’m a narcissist because I hid money.
My ex Covert Narcissist husband created debt on credit cards I was unaware of then shocked me by demanding with emotional blackmail to get me to pay them off with the last of my savings. When I refused he’d rage and silent treatment me. It led to our final night when he demanded it and still would not show me the statements. I refused and he walked out that night. He also was bitter over me stopping work due to very serious sickness and multiple surgeries. Resented I “spent his wages” despite years when I’d supported him when out of work/didn’t want to work. He got bad in the last 3 years and soooo many lies and secrets came with it. My father had to send me money so I wasn’t using “his” wages to buy things I need. Absolutely selfish and horrible. I’d rather have not much savings let but the freedom and joy I have now without him than millions and still be oppressed and abused.
Love you Shannon❤️ Thanks so much for bringing awareness to not only npd abuse, but financial abuse. I would have left a long time ago if he wouldn’t have ‘charmed’ his way through my finances. Just another way for them to keep us ‘stuck’. I hope there will be legislation coming down the pike that will expand the definition of domestic violence. Yes, I gave over my money with the promise of marriage. Total lie. He never had any intention of marrying.
Angie does a video on fake futuring you may want to checkout...these guys all have the same mo...like they went to narc college!
How dare you question me? how dare you doubt me? Now I let me show you. These things were literally said to my face.
Outstanding video!!! Please continue posting facts about narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse!!! Thank You!!! Most Helpful, God Bless You!!! - Sandi, a survivor of narcissistic abuse!!!
Preachers I knew taught about this in the 1970's. Thankful to see it talked about now. My birth dad was narcicistic in the 1960's. M
And they call us “gold diggers.” While they live off us. I will never marry again!
Projection. Dr. C
They love to call women gold diggers but it’s often the narcissistic male who is stealing from the woman.
Mine, family members convinced me as a teenager that I shouldn't work because there were other things in the home that I should do and also strongly discouraged me from moving out. Whenever I talked about wanting to do that and wanting to be more financially independent, I got no guidance and was made to feel bad/dumb for even wanting that. But of course, I was also made to feel bad about not making (more) money. Fast fwd years later and it's the same thing. Now that I'm no longer absolutely needed and am not some wildly successful person for them to brag about, it's a completely different thing. Theyre entitled to know everything about me, where I'm going, with whom, amd when(even despite being an adult) but when I flip the script -- they have friggin amnesia. I so agree with the videp, "if we don't feel like we can take care of ourselves, we arent going anywhere." Building up my self-esteem to get to that point is really hard.
K 2 Not only that, but it’s hell when they resort to having you followed everywhere you go, hack your phone, and are so secretive about where they’re getting large sums of money from....
My father is the main narcissist in my life. He always says he has no money and then buys a new house. I think he tries to keep his children down around earning so that he looks better. It’s like he wants to make sure will never earn more than he did or does.
I like that she uses the term "abuser" instead of spouse or partner.
the best one I remember from my narcissists was the electric bill, she complained about the electric bill, she claimed she was paying $400/mth! after she left and I had the bill switched to me, I went on a payment plan for $120/mth(electric company set)started in Feb and by Nov was told don't to pay the bill until the excess is used up, I made the first payment in April. and the best way to get to her was the madder she got the cooler and more calm I be came, you could watch the anger building up in her.
I just want to thank both of you for educating people like myself.
Yes I lived in fear for 18 yrs . We had 4 children. I lived in the housing but was not allowed to tell them my husband at that time was living with us . I worked 2 jobs cuz he would not work . He took all my money . I had to go to food banks to feed my children. It was a very difficult time in our lives living with him . Today I am free & very happy & healthy. .I divorced him in 1995 but he still try's to hover . .
I have been educating my attorney about the depths of the abuse. He deals with the financial. Police have dealt with the physical (not) while family court issued an order of protection that the police are supposed to enforce (not). In the meanwhile, he stopped paying the mortgage on the house that we bought in Nashville that HE is living in. My name is on the mortgage as well. It was to be our retirement home. I bought a used car because he took my car to Nashville. I got stuck paying a civil fine from NY because he didn’t renew the insurance on it. It just goes on and on. I am tearing my hair out. He took all of our money, retirement accounts and 401K. I just need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For God’s sake, just make it end!
I never got any tax refunds as a wife, or knew what was going on..until the year of our divorce. He really did this! WATCH OUT FOR THIS!
I'll tell you how it makes you feel. It makes you feel like you owe them for your entire existence. But they don't always want you to exist anymore.
💔 yeah...
Lord it gives me flashbacks and anxiety just to watch this... and it’s been years since I escaped from the monster narcissist, truly evil people
The Narc got 30K outta me. I'm devastated...but he signed a promissory note. Now I'm suing him.
I found 5 credit cards in my name tucked away in a bookshelf. He didn't use them but he used joint credit to get them for both of us without my knowledge and hid mine. So sneaky and underhanded. It's just his MO, I didn't realize it's been like this for so long. I guess I was never around people like him before so I didn't notice. I feel like a fool. The only time I ever saw my dad be sneaky with my mom was at Christmas when he hid her presents. So adorable.