This video reminds me of the “Let Them” theory Mel Robbins has shared before. Let people be the way they are, and if you aren’t in alignment with that then it’s probably in your best interest to spend your time and energy with people that can reciprocate in ways that you’d like them to.
Idk if it’s so serenely resolved as it sounds, in real applications. A lot of time people are not discarded like a bad looking fruit at the supermarket. They hang around. We’re confused, we give them another try. We might just can’t cut them out for reasons. Maybe it’s important we hang around with them for non-friendship motives but we suffer from their energy. Also people are not infinitely refilled, if you’re not in a huge city at some point you either shut in or you have to work with what you have, or move elsewhere and shoot in the dark for another wild guess at friendship.
@@jjjjjjjjj3000I’m curious about the use of the word "discarding" to describe choosing to distance yourself from someone who has disrespected your boundaries on multiple occasions. I think the reason this word feels touchy is because, from what I've observed, the people doing the "discarding" are usually the very people who trample over others' boundaries, not the ones begging to be treated kindly. Yes, there are times when distancing yourself from someone is not possible. In those situations, emotion regulation & radical acceptance are probably going to be your best friends. If that sounds very serene and simple, I don't mean for it to sound this way. Coming to a place of radical acceptance is usually a very painful journey, and it requires recognizing that you are trapped between a rock and a hard place. As for the issue of not having enough people to keep around, I’m actually recording a video today on the importance of not approaching friendship with a scarcity mindset! in my experience, all you need is a handful of quality people in your life, because surrounding yourself with the wrong people is far more painful than being alone.
@@AnaPsychology How do you know if you've overstepped someone's boundaries or not when they haven't told you or sent any sort of "message" to place those said boundaries? Sometimes, especially through online/ldr stuff, if someone doesn't tell me specifically that they don't want X Y and Z and that these are there boundaries, I am never sure of how to act. It's like a partial miscommunication that then leads to problems for no reason. For example, I've asked this certain "friend" to tell me what his boundaries are when it comes to certain stuff and he always says that everything is fine and okay but sometimes it doesn't feel like it and I am just left in the dark wondering where to thread and it's like I am walking on eggshells.
@@BatmanAOMC Maybe in those specific situations you can approach and ask him "you said that everything is fine and OK, but it seems to me like in this particular situation, something is bothering you/you are upset/uncomfortable. Maybe this is something you aren't that OK with, and if so, I would like to know, so that I won't do it again in the future."
I've realized this recently with my mom. I was a parentified child, and yet, she throws the "Mom" card at me when she wants to succumb to her whims because she refuses to do her own self growth. I had to realize that she is never going to respect me because she believes she shouldn't have to, and being angry and resentful over this is only negatively affecting me, while she's getting everything she wants. The only way to take back power and respect myself is to put up my walls and disengage. It's been challenging but I'm working on it 👍
I went through something similar with my younger brother. I was treating him just like that "my little brother/a child," and he's on the back end of his teenage years now. It caused a lot of strife between us back then. To be honest, I needed to 'update' my perspective of him, and we've never reverted back the old way of interacting. For me, it was a matter of what's more important: him or my ego... it was an easy decision. That being said, people can change when they want to. And to be honest, taking this approach to one person wasn't just an isolated solution in my life. It's strange how there is a rippling effect into other interpersonal relationships 😅
I’m so glad someone finally said what I’ve been feeling for years which is “ why do I need to ask someone to treat me with basic human decency”. If I’m in a relationship with someone and they do some thing that I don’t like unknowingly then yeah I think it’s best to talk to them about it. But if it’s someone who is just mean and selfish and I tell them I don’t want to be treated like that. It doesn’t make any sense to me to ask them to change because that’s who they are. You can’t tell anyone to change who they are they have to want to change that.
I prefer to vocally advocate for myself because I've noticed that sometimes they don't know what they're doing wrong genuinely, because they're not self aware or some other reason. So part of me telling them is to help them improve themselves. After that, the ball is in their court
You saying that you can't make someone go to therapy really hit home, and I realized that when I was 18. I was on my third therapist for counseling with me and my dads relationship, and it was always fine until he was inevitably show up and take part, and he would always yell, say horrible things about me, and generally make it very clear that he didn't want to be there. And so I gave up and left home and that third therapist to go to college. And I left our relationship behind. And it was only when he started making genuine efforts to repair it that we saw actual progress
One time I asked my friend to respect my significant other (she was very unwelcoming and passive-aggressively disrespectful to him when she met him). I was expecting her to feel bad, maybe stop thinking about herself and open up her mind to how she's making me and my SO feel, but instead she blew up on me. She proceeded to then uninvite me to a party and then block me on social media. I think next time if I feel like I have to ask someone to be respectful/nice, then I should just distance myself from them over time. It's not worth the fight.
That’s what I do. I slowly distance myself. Ripping the bandaide off just makes them go into an ego state and attack you by any means necessary. Including telling lies on you. Following you state to state etc. some people are actually crazy. However we tend to normalize it. I appreciate her acknowledging that it’s not ok, and that there isn’t anything we can do about it… I suppose it’s just our stoic mindset that helps us accept these people and simply ignore them, or barely pay attention to it. I’ve missed signs from people attempting to be petty , and then caught it later and laughed to myself.. like wow… it was that deep? I mean…… you be great… I’m flattered but concerned.
It depends on the friend. Someone who cares about you would actually wake up when you tell them what they're doing wrong, because they don't want to hurt you. (Sometimes people do need a bit of a figurative slap to come to their senses). Those who don't never cared. You were there to feed their ego.
I do think there's a time and place for asking someone to change a behavior around you if the relationship is healthy and enjoyable otherwise, since respect and niceness mean different things to different people. A friend may very well think they are being kind and have no idea they are hurting you until you tell them.
I just ended a relationship with a girl I was dating who changed her behavior towards me. I felt like I kept asking for me to be treated like before but there were always different excuses and I felt ignored. Glad to see I made the right choice. Gotta protect my peace and mental
I found their are times when it is appropriate to call out someone on their behaviour and inappropriate at other times. And, it is wise to know when to and not to.
Yo I work in addictions and this is facts. People must make there own choices radically accept reality or continue to live in denial and compensate for others short comings at your own cost.
I avoid cunning and impish souls, active manipulators(con artists). Stop the madness, before it starts. No explanation necessary. Leave before they imprint their madness on you. Btw, i am on the spectrum, susceptible to abuse. Sadly, i keep my doors locked. But, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I found self-respect and loving your(my) neural-divergent nature, is a powerful organic tool, against abuse.
Telling someone that you want them to amend their behavior is only effective in limited situations, usually the behavior is incidental, out-of-character, and in the context of an otherwise pleasant and fulfilling relationship
Boundaries require resolve, most people do not have resolve to live with the consequences of having a boundary. It is completely okay to explain to someone else why you have a boundary, and how they have broken your trust by stepping over that boundary. Others can change, but they have to want to change.
I do think it depends on the situation whether one should let the person know. I think if it’s a friend or family that you think is fundamentally a good person, it’s right to tell them and give them a chance to course correct. Sometimes people don’t know they are doing something. But if it’s extreme enough it makes sense to just distance. I feel Ana is a little jaded but I get it, I’m jaded too.
Say it louder!! I have the same opinion as you, because sadly, not all the people know or can notice in the moment when they are doing something wrong (incluiding me) This thing happen for many factors. (My social circle, my family, etc) For that, it’s very necessary to have communication, and say what we feel always. But, if the situation even though you have told them your feelings is increasing for you or gets worse. Then we can adopt what Anna says. 💗
Thank you Ana. I broke up with a partner after asking them to treat me with the same level of consideration and care I treat them with and as I made the request I knew that it would be near impossible for this person to give me what I was asking for. I did not hold it against them for lacking skills I'm not sure they were ever taught and I was glad that in the end they were able to see that we were not operating at the same level of emotional immaturity and we let each other go. I am as angry as I feel I am justifiable to be, I am not splitting either one of us into all good or all bad, and I see my own contribution in the dynamics of our relationship. We honestly cannot force or coerce people to change if they are not ready or even want to. If we learn to accept them as they are (and leave if the situation forces us to do so) I believe we would be setting ourselves up for very fulfilling relationships going forward. The last time I watched your channel I didn't see the "Dr." in your name. I'm guessing you have a PhD now. Congratulations! Thank you for your great advice.
what I find frustrating is if your setting boundaries with family you live with and can't leave and they'll not respect your boundaries so it's a no action situation other then stop talking to them and do inner healing work as these people are anywhere from disrespectful to abusive in how & what boundaries they'll break of yours but they have boundaries a plenty you're suppose to follow.
Thank you so much Dr. Ana. Your videos are making me a better person. You are affecting change in the world and I am so grateful for you. Have a great day!
For the vast majority of gray-zone conflicts these tools are excellent resources to cope - opening up time to seek additional context-dependent resources/support & potential to sincerely focus on the argumentation/planning of the issue(s) if flight is not a tenable option. Thank you, Dr. Ana!😄🙏🏻
Dr Ana this is a great video. I agree with you on so many aspects of this video as I have learnt the same things myself from experience, and that dealing with people requires a bit more thought than blindly and stubbornly expecting people to change like they are sim characters lol. This video is validating for me, especially when I've often been told all that stuff about "boundaries are for youuuuu" and that conflicts a lot with my lived experience. Like you I've found distancing myself helps, as well as physically removing myself when I can. Thanks for this video.
Boundaries depend on the relationship and how much it effects the individual if there is a negative impact than it is best to cut ties whenever possible if not possible then limit the interaction
The title has me thinking about people who say they are great at boundaries, but what they do is cut anyone out of their life who inadvertently challenges their beliefs or ego. On the one hand, that's their business. On the other, I see our society collapsing from this. On a personal level it's isolating to lose friends over imagined slights and on a political/corporate level it's being used to leverage power against us.
Yeah, "boundaries" can be weaponized by manipulative and toxic people to evade accountability. It's tricky when mental health language becomes mainstream. :(
Dr. Ana, I just started getting into your content and I really enjoy what you put on UA-cam! I am currently aspiring towards pursuing clinical psychology after I complete my undergrad next year. Hearing the insight and views you espouse on your channel has been so inspiring!
I always ask people to give me clear cut boundaries, especially when it's online since I can't read body language and such. If someone says that everything's alright and all good but then acts opposite to that, am I supposed to just not trust their words? It makes me very confused.
@@mahimberi Yeah I get that, it's just really exhausting and emotionally draining because I feel like I have to put in all the work. It's like I am always walking on eggshells with people.
i love your videos dr. ana. i love your honest approach to handling situations and how insightful ur videos are. they validate and are in-line with a lot of my values and beliefs. and i love learning new psych things! lol
There's also a thing that pelple are lore likely to do something if they understand the task clearly, meaning that specific examples/instructions are provided
Sorry for the comment spam but... I've been talking with someone for two months, very open and upfront kind of guy. For the last few weeks he's been acting strange and I dont know what to make of it. He's a private guy, he sent me photos snd i complimented him. He didnt react and so I said "complimenting you lately has started to get uncomfortable because you dont react like you used to, if things have changed just tell me, having boundaries isnt toxic I just need yo know" and he said "I know, dont worry we're the same as before" he is genuinely a good man but he has been confusing me like shit.
Don’t know much about your situation but maybe he has an avoidant attachment style? Avoidants tend to distance when things get too serious too quickly (not saying you guys are serious rn). Or maybe he is confused on where he wants to take the relationship… Speaking from experience here 🙃 I’m a fearful avoidant myself so I kinda understand…. hopefully this helps!
Thank you! It helps a bit, I just wish he would talk with me about it instead of just... ah, sigh, I try to be patient but this enters in conflict with my own anxieties and fears.@@thepeonyvillage9637
Be careful with him. Not a good sign. Take things like this seriously... It can get worse over time. You deserve better! Take the confusion as a sign to be cautious.
I don’t think she fully understands the saying boundaries are for you not other people because it directly correlates to her message. If they aren’t able to uphold it YOU must do so & leave
Like I said in the video, we are essentially talking about the same concept, but I think a more accurate way of saying it would be "the consequence of someone breaking your boundaries is for you"
Then it's true that all humanity can be classified in "mature" and "immature" groups. And only people who got to be mature are the only ones who should be in a relationship with another mature person in order to experience reciprocity and genuine love. Considering immature people (for whatever reason it is causing it) will never change nor show any sign of being able to finally change their behaviour even after decades (and that's their "essence", according to this colleague), so the conclusion is that it's not fair to lose our time being parasited by immature people as they will never change, only them gets benefited by getting into relationships with us and receiving what they want and need from us but we end up being their "parents" and not receiving what we need in a consistent and lifelong basis as WE ARE capable of providing from now and forever
I love this reply, and have come to understand this to be true as well... kinda gives you a bleak outlook on humanity, and really shows you how much you will have to let go of people who are "emotional vampires" in order to find ones that are mature and self reflective enough to be a good friend or partner in your life. I do think maturity comes with time though, and people can take as much time as they need in order to grow and see their flaws, but that does not mean we have to be there to witness it, or be collateral damage.
I would warn against categorizing people into simple dichotomies, as it doesn't do justice to the nuances and complexities of human beings. A trait that may be a dealbreaker for you could be perfectly fine for another person in their life. It's all about finding people who are compatible with your personal needs.
I don't think it's as simple as "mature" or "immature." I think it's a bit more complex than that. The point of the video is that you can't change people, and no one owes you a change. If you can't accept them, especially if they are poisoning your life, you just have to do what you have to do in order to protect yourself
I had a really a terrible experience 1.5 years ago, and edgy jokes make me uncomfortable now, when they didn’t before & theres certain people I dont want to associate with anymore. I recently fell out with two of my friends because apparently making edgy jokes & trying to force people that hurt me, to be around me was more important to them than how their actions made me feel. I wanted to move on but they were trying so hard to drag me back down to places and behaviors I didnt want to be apart of anymore. I tried to have a talk with them about this and one didnt take me seriously at all, I cut him off that same day. I had a talk with the other friend and his response was to downplay my trauma, be angry that his generally inappropriate behavior and typical deflection and not wanting to accept that he did something uncool. I’ve distanced myself from him and I came put of it really disappointed. That my two simple boundaries were refused to be cared about. 1.) These jokes make me uncomfortable now and I wouldn’t like to be involved with them anymore 2.) I want to avoid being around and associating with this subsect of people Apparently these were to world shaking for someone Ive known for a handful of years to care about… thanks for reading my disjointed rant if you did
I'm currently in a space where I'm in this space with a childhood friend who crosses physical boundaries and is constantly speaks to me in a way I'm not comfortable with. I had a conversation with them to address it but, they didn't really see where I was coming from and it got heated. I personally am at a stand-still at what to do, they didn't really apologize and they vaguely acknowledged their behavior. I have been emotionally regulating and have limited contact with them for the past month. I am still upset albeit not as upset as before, I just don't want to be around people who treat me a way I don't want to be treated. I'm on the fence about limiting contact with said friend but haven't decided anything concretely however your suggestion about DEAR MAN is helpful and I'm working on that now. This video is insightful however, it can feel a little discouraging to hear. However, I do understand it is to offer us options
Childhood friends you haven't seen in a long time -- those people who are both very familiar with you but also strangers. There are already some things about that dynamic that can make it difficult, even for the other person. You've spoken your mind, which is really the most influence you can have over another person, ethically. Keeping your distance is neither cowardly nor cruel.
Excellent advice. Not always followed, but you make sense of my experience. I can think of examples. . Asking a workmate not to constantly hurt me in vulnerable places, ended with my sick leave. . Yes, my workmate could be disrespectful, but she could not change.
Love your videos, but is a boundary that aims at controlling another person really a boundary? It can be an agreement for them to act in a certain way, but i wouldnt call that a boundary per se.
You cannot "make" another person respect you. You may be able to make them fear you, or do as you wish for a time, but that isn't respect, and even that isn't guaranteed. Every person who tried to make me respect them has only succeeded in earning my frustration and disdain, and I suspect others react similarly to such attempts.
@@justrachel4496I totally agree with you and many children who are yelled at and/or physically assaulted regularly by parents, or other caregivers, fear them, whereas they believe that it garners respect! 🙁
I wish your points at the end of the video were articulated at the beginning, especially the example of your mother. Since the choice of "avoid and distance" or "confront and listen" is a case by case judgement, you come off with a misleading and pessimistic generalization on what to do.
I'm not sure what you mean? The examples I gave weren't about me personally; this topic was sparked by a conversation I had with a close one who was struggling to enforce boundaries. And the topic of the video was delineated early on: why boundary-setting does not work in some situations. Could you direct me to the exact timestamp where I came off with a "misleading and pessimistic generalization"?
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This video reminds me of the “Let Them” theory Mel Robbins has shared before. Let people be the way they are, and if you aren’t in alignment with that then it’s probably in your best interest to spend your time and energy with people that can reciprocate in ways that you’d like them to.
Hence how alone I are
Idk if it’s so serenely resolved as it sounds, in real applications.
A lot of time people are not discarded like a bad looking fruit at the supermarket. They hang around. We’re confused, we give them another try. We might just can’t cut them out for reasons. Maybe it’s important we hang around with them for non-friendship motives but we suffer from their energy. Also people are not infinitely refilled, if you’re not in a huge city at some point you either shut in or you have to work with what you have, or move elsewhere and shoot in the dark for another wild guess at friendship.
@@jjjjjjjjj3000I’m curious about the use of the word "discarding" to describe choosing to distance yourself from someone who has disrespected your boundaries on multiple occasions. I think the reason this word feels touchy is because, from what I've observed, the people doing the "discarding" are usually the very people who trample over others' boundaries, not the ones begging to be treated kindly.
Yes, there are times when distancing yourself from someone is not possible. In those situations, emotion regulation & radical acceptance are probably going to be your best friends. If that sounds very serene and simple, I don't mean for it to sound this way. Coming to a place of radical acceptance is usually a very painful journey, and it requires recognizing that you are trapped between a rock and a hard place.
As for the issue of not having enough people to keep around, I’m actually recording a video today on the importance of not approaching friendship with a scarcity mindset! in my experience, all you need is a handful of quality people in your life, because surrounding yourself with the wrong people is far more painful than being alone.
@@AnaPsychology How do you know if you've overstepped someone's boundaries or not when they haven't told you or sent any sort of "message" to place those said boundaries? Sometimes, especially through online/ldr stuff, if someone doesn't tell me specifically that they don't want X Y and Z and that these are there boundaries, I am never sure of how to act. It's like a partial miscommunication that then leads to problems for no reason. For example, I've asked this certain "friend" to tell me what his boundaries are when it comes to certain stuff and he always says that everything is fine and okay but sometimes it doesn't feel like it and I am just left in the dark wondering where to thread and it's like I am walking on eggshells.
@@BatmanAOMC
Maybe in those specific situations you can approach and ask him "you said that everything is fine and OK, but it seems to me like in this particular situation, something is bothering you/you are upset/uncomfortable. Maybe this is something you aren't that OK with, and if so, I would like to know, so that I won't do it again in the future."
I've realized this recently with my mom.
I was a parentified child, and yet, she throws the "Mom" card at me when she wants to succumb to her whims because she refuses to do her own self growth.
I had to realize that she is never going to respect me because she believes she shouldn't have to, and being angry and resentful over this is only negatively affecting me, while she's getting everything she wants.
The only way to take back power and respect myself is to put up my walls and disengage. It's been challenging but I'm working on it 👍
I went through something similar with my younger brother. I was treating him just like that "my little brother/a child," and he's on the back end of his teenage years now. It caused a lot of strife between us back then. To be honest, I needed to 'update' my perspective of him, and we've never reverted back the old way of interacting. For me, it was a matter of what's more important: him or my ego... it was an easy decision. That being said, people can change when they want to.
And to be honest, taking this approach to one person wasn't just an isolated solution in my life. It's strange how there is a rippling effect into other interpersonal relationships 😅
If someone disrespect me, i’ll just leave. You can’t change a person unless they want to. This is so true
What if they do want to change and actually end up changing, though? Would that make you come back to them?
I’m so glad someone finally said what I’ve been feeling for years which is “ why do I need to ask someone to treat me with basic human decency”. If I’m in a relationship with someone and they do some thing that I don’t like unknowingly then yeah I think it’s best to talk to them about it. But if it’s someone who is just mean and selfish and I tell them I don’t want to be treated like that. It doesn’t make any sense to me to ask them to change because that’s who they are. You can’t tell anyone to change who they are they have to want to change that.
I prefer to vocally advocate for myself because I've noticed that sometimes they don't know what they're doing wrong genuinely, because they're not self aware or some other reason. So part of me telling them is to help them improve themselves. After that, the ball is in their court
Exactly. Can't expect people to be mind readers.
You saying that you can't make someone go to therapy really hit home, and I realized that when I was 18. I was on my third therapist for counseling with me and my dads relationship, and it was always fine until he was inevitably show up and take part, and he would always yell, say horrible things about me, and generally make it very clear that he didn't want to be there. And so I gave up and left home and that third therapist to go to college. And I left our relationship behind. And it was only when he started making genuine efforts to repair it that we saw actual progress
One time I asked my friend to respect my significant other (she was very unwelcoming and passive-aggressively disrespectful to him when she met him). I was expecting her to feel bad, maybe stop thinking about herself and open up her mind to how she's making me and my SO feel, but instead she blew up on me. She proceeded to then uninvite me to a party and then block me on social media. I think next time if I feel like I have to ask someone to be respectful/nice, then I should just distance myself from them over time. It's not worth the fight.
That’s what I do. I slowly distance myself.
Ripping the bandaide off just makes them go into an ego state and attack you by any means necessary. Including telling lies on you. Following you state to state etc. some people are actually crazy. However we tend to normalize it. I appreciate her acknowledging that it’s not ok, and that there isn’t anything we can do about it… I suppose it’s just our stoic mindset that helps us accept these people and simply ignore them, or barely pay attention to it. I’ve missed signs from people attempting to be petty , and then caught it later and laughed to myself.. like wow… it was that deep? I mean…… you be great… I’m flattered but concerned.
It depends on the friend. Someone who cares about you would actually wake up when you tell them what they're doing wrong, because they don't want to hurt you. (Sometimes people do need a bit of a figurative slap to come to their senses).
Those who don't never cared. You were there to feed their ego.
I do think there's a time and place for asking someone to change a behavior around you if the relationship is healthy and enjoyable otherwise, since respect and niceness mean different things to different people. A friend may very well think they are being kind and have no idea they are hurting you until you tell them.
@@namelessbrat7197That's exactly right, except that I'd use the word prod instead of slap. I realise that you didn't mean it literally though. 😊
If I’m having to tell someone “hey don’t treat me shitty” and that’s what they’re showing me? I believe them and walk away. It’s not worth my time.
I just ended a relationship with a girl I was dating who changed her behavior towards me. I felt like I kept asking for me to be treated like before but there were always different excuses and I felt ignored. Glad to see I made the right choice. Gotta protect my peace and mental
I found their are times when it is appropriate to call out someone on their behaviour and inappropriate at other times. And, it is wise to know when to and not to.
Yo I work in addictions and this is facts. People must make there own choices radically accept reality or continue to live in denial and compensate for others short comings at your own cost.
I avoid cunning and impish souls, active manipulators(con artists). Stop the madness, before it starts. No explanation necessary. Leave before they imprint their madness on you. Btw, i am on the spectrum, susceptible to abuse. Sadly, i keep my doors locked. But, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I found self-respect and loving your(my) neural-divergent nature, is a powerful organic tool, against abuse.
LEAVE BEFORE THEIR MADNESS IMPRINTS ON YOU!!!! Yes
But how do you recognize them? It can be very covert/hidden!
Telling someone that you want them to amend their behavior is only effective in limited situations, usually the behavior is incidental, out-of-character, and in the context of an otherwise pleasant and fulfilling relationship
I set boundaries faithfully and now people think I’m mean lol. Oh well🤷♀️
Boundaries require resolve, most people do not have resolve to live with the consequences of having a boundary. It is completely okay to explain to someone else why you have a boundary, and how they have broken your trust by stepping over that boundary. Others can change, but they have to want to change.
I also don’t like hyper individualism or hyper independence ..
Can we get a video on radical acceptance?
Yes, she already has a very good one on the topic!
@@Incomodiana oh! Thanks I'll dig it up 😁
I do think it depends on the situation whether one should let the person know. I think if it’s a friend or family that you think is fundamentally a good person, it’s right to tell them and give them a chance to course correct. Sometimes people don’t know they are doing something.
But if it’s extreme enough it makes sense to just distance.
I feel Ana is a little jaded but I get it, I’m jaded too.
Say it louder!! I have the same opinion as you, because sadly, not all the people know or can notice in the moment when they are doing something wrong (incluiding me) This thing happen for many factors. (My social circle, my family, etc)
For that, it’s very necessary to have communication, and say what we feel always.
But, if the situation even though you have told them your feelings is increasing for you or gets worse. Then we can adopt what Anna says. 💗
Thank you Ana. I broke up with a partner after asking them to treat me with the same level of consideration and care I treat them with and as I made the request I knew that it would be near impossible for this person to give me what I was asking for. I did not hold it against them for lacking skills I'm not sure they were ever taught and I was glad that in the end they were able to see that we were not operating at the same level of emotional immaturity and we let each other go. I am as angry as I feel I am justifiable to be, I am not splitting either one of us into all good or all bad, and I see my own contribution in the dynamics of our relationship. We honestly cannot force or coerce people to change if they are not ready or even want to. If we learn to accept them as they are (and leave if the situation forces us to do so) I believe we would be setting ourselves up for very fulfilling relationships going forward.
The last time I watched your channel I didn't see the "Dr." in your name. I'm guessing you have a PhD now. Congratulations! Thank you for your great advice.
what I find frustrating is if your setting boundaries with family you live with and can't leave and they'll not respect your boundaries so it's a no action situation other then stop talking to them and do inner healing work as these people are anywhere from disrespectful to abusive in how & what boundaries they'll break of yours but they have boundaries a plenty you're suppose to follow.
That sounds cruel! I hope you survive the situation...
Thank you so much Dr. Ana. Your videos are making me a better person. You are affecting change in the world and I am so grateful for you. Have a great day!
thank you for making bite sized videos ❤😊
For the vast majority of gray-zone conflicts these tools are excellent resources to cope - opening up time to seek additional context-dependent resources/support & potential to sincerely focus on the argumentation/planning of the issue(s) if flight is not a tenable option.
Thank you, Dr. Ana!😄🙏🏻
Love the way your mind works!
I love how she talks about this prob ❤
The term laissez-faire means, in French, “allow to do." It's a passive management style.
Basically your options are being a stoic or live in the limbo of trying to control what others do " which would never work!.
Very cool. Invaluable channel for those studying psychology. Keep those boundaries up. Ciao.
Your hair game is on point in this one. Yowza.
Such a wise, spot on talk. Thnx! ❤
Dr Ana this is a great video. I agree with you on so many aspects of this video as I have learnt the same things myself from experience, and that dealing with people requires a bit more thought than blindly and stubbornly expecting people to change like they are sim characters lol. This video is validating for me, especially when I've often been told all that stuff about "boundaries are for youuuuu" and that conflicts a lot with my lived experience. Like you I've found distancing myself helps, as well as physically removing myself when I can. Thanks for this video.
Wow, this made some things clear for me! Now I understand boundary-setting a bit better... :)
Finally understand this
Boundaries depend on the relationship and how much it effects the individual if there is a negative impact than it is best to cut ties whenever possible if not possible then limit the interaction
The title has me thinking about people who say they are great at boundaries, but what they do is cut anyone out of their life who inadvertently challenges their beliefs or ego. On the one hand, that's their business. On the other, I see our society collapsing from this. On a personal level it's isolating to lose friends over imagined slights and on a political/corporate level it's being used to leverage power against us.
Yeah, "boundaries" can be weaponized by manipulative and toxic people to evade accountability. It's tricky when mental health language becomes mainstream. :(
It is striking how hard it is to change a habit. To a certain extent you have to play it by ear.
Dr. Ana,
I just started getting into your content and I really enjoy what you put on UA-cam! I am currently aspiring towards pursuing clinical psychology after I complete my undergrad next year. Hearing the insight and views you espouse on your channel has been so inspiring!
I always ask people to give me clear cut boundaries, especially when it's online since I can't read body language and such. If someone says that everything's alright and all good but then acts opposite to that, am I supposed to just not trust their words? It makes me very confused.
I can't force people to be more communicative, I just don't know how to act.
People are contradictory sometimes
@@mahimberi Yeah I get that, it's just really exhausting and emotionally draining because I feel like I have to put in all the work. It's like I am always walking on eggshells with people.
could you please make a video about how to set boundaries ?
Thanks!
i love your videos dr. ana. i love your honest approach to handling situations and how insightful ur videos are. they validate and are in-line with a lot of my values and beliefs. and i love learning new psych things! lol
no trespassing!!!
There's also a thing that pelple are lore likely to do something if they understand the task clearly, meaning that specific examples/instructions are provided
Can you talk about boundary settings with roommates? thanks!
Thank you for covering this!!!
Commenting for the algorithm.
You change; thats the only way
💯
Sorry for the comment spam but... I've been talking with someone for two months, very open and upfront kind of guy. For the last few weeks he's been acting strange and I dont know what to make of it. He's a private guy, he sent me photos snd i complimented him. He didnt react and so I said "complimenting you lately has started to get uncomfortable because you dont react like you used to, if things have changed just tell me, having boundaries isnt toxic I just need yo know" and he said "I know, dont worry we're the same as before" he is genuinely a good man but he has been confusing me like shit.
Don’t know much about your situation but maybe he has an avoidant attachment style? Avoidants tend to distance when things get too serious too quickly (not saying you guys are serious rn). Or maybe he is confused on where he wants to take the relationship… Speaking from experience here 🙃 I’m a fearful avoidant myself so I kinda understand…. hopefully this helps!
Thank you! It helps a bit, I just wish he would talk with me about it instead of just... ah, sigh, I try to be patient but this enters in conflict with my own anxieties and fears.@@thepeonyvillage9637
Be careful with him. Not a good sign. Take things like this seriously... It can get worse over time. You deserve better! Take the confusion as a sign to be cautious.
@@Analysis_Paralysis I want to but I've been in his shoes, so I guess that's why I get concerned instead of "scared" :/
@@BatmanAOMChey can you update how did it go??
Or how about behavioral shaping.
could I ask where you got your mic from I’ve been trying to find one like this forever and I’ve had no luck! Much appreciated xx
I wish I watched this one last year... lol
I don’t think she fully understands the saying boundaries are for you not other people because it directly correlates to her message. If they aren’t able to uphold it YOU must do so & leave
Like I said in the video, we are essentially talking about the same concept, but I think a more accurate way of saying it would be "the consequence of someone breaking your boundaries is for you"
Then it's true that all humanity can be classified in "mature" and "immature" groups. And only people who got to be mature are the only ones who should be in a relationship with another mature person in order to experience reciprocity and genuine love.
Considering immature people (for whatever reason it is causing it) will never change nor show any sign of being able to finally change their behaviour even after decades (and that's their "essence", according to this colleague), so the conclusion is that it's not fair to lose our time being parasited by immature people as they will never change, only them gets benefited by getting into relationships with us and receiving what they want and need from us but we end up being their "parents" and not receiving what we need in a consistent and lifelong basis as WE ARE capable of providing from now and forever
I know this a real bitter truth to swallow and not what even I would like to hear, but unfortunately it's true
I love this reply, and have come to understand this to be true as well... kinda gives you a bleak outlook on humanity, and really shows you how much you will have to let go of people who are "emotional vampires" in order to find ones that are mature and self reflective enough to be a good friend or partner in your life. I do think maturity comes with time though, and people can take as much time as they need in order to grow and see their flaws, but that does not mean we have to be there to witness it, or be collateral damage.
I would warn against categorizing people into simple dichotomies, as it doesn't do justice to the nuances and complexities of human beings. A trait that may be a dealbreaker for you could be perfectly fine for another person in their life. It's all about finding people who are compatible with your personal needs.
I don't think it's as simple as "mature" or "immature." I think it's a bit more complex than that.
The point of the video is that you can't change people, and no one owes you a change. If you can't accept them, especially if they are poisoning your life, you just have to do what you have to do in order to protect yourself
The very word "immature" means the person simply hasn't grown up yet, implying growth is possible and expected. It contradicts your overall argument.
I had a really a terrible experience 1.5 years ago, and edgy jokes make me uncomfortable now, when they didn’t before & theres certain people I dont want to associate with anymore.
I recently fell out with two of my friends because apparently making edgy jokes & trying to force people that hurt me, to be around me was more important to them than how their actions made me feel.
I wanted to move on but they were trying so hard to drag me back down to places and behaviors I didnt want to be apart of anymore.
I tried to have a talk with them about this and one didnt take me seriously at all, I cut him off that same day. I had a talk with the other friend and his response was to downplay my trauma, be angry that his generally inappropriate behavior and typical deflection and not wanting to accept that he did something uncool.
I’ve distanced myself from him and I came put of it really disappointed. That my two simple boundaries were refused to be cared about.
1.) These jokes make me uncomfortable now and I wouldn’t like to be involved with them anymore
2.) I want to avoid being around and associating with this subsect of people
Apparently these were to world shaking for someone Ive known for a handful of years to care about… thanks for reading my disjointed rant if you did
8:53 What would option 2 and 3 entail in this context?
Good question! :)
I'm currently in a space where I'm in this space with a childhood friend who crosses physical boundaries and is constantly speaks to me in a way I'm not comfortable with. I had a conversation with them to address it but, they didn't really see where I was coming from and it got heated. I personally am at a stand-still at what to do, they didn't really apologize and they vaguely acknowledged their behavior. I have been emotionally regulating and have limited contact with them for the past month. I am still upset albeit not as upset as before, I just don't want to be around people who treat me a way I don't want to be treated. I'm on the fence about limiting contact with said friend but haven't decided anything concretely however your suggestion about DEAR MAN is helpful and I'm working on that now. This video is insightful however, it can feel a little discouraging to hear. However, I do understand it is to offer us options
please cut contact, quickly.
Childhood friends you haven't seen in a long time -- those people who are both very familiar with you but also strangers. There are already some things about that dynamic that can make it difficult, even for the other person. You've spoken your mind, which is really the most influence you can have over another person, ethically. Keeping your distance is neither cowardly nor cruel.
Excellent advice.
Not always followed, but you make sense of my experience. I can think of examples.
.
Asking a workmate not to constantly hurt me in vulnerable places, ended with my sick leave.
.
Yes, my workmate could be disrespectful, but she could not change.
Love your videos, but is a boundary that aims at controlling another person really a boundary? It can be an agreement for them to act in a certain way, but i wouldnt call that a boundary per se.
눈나❤
Life is freaking disgusting
Sometimes haha*
So essentially you're saying boundaries is a myth
Omg I luv u ❤
5:22
FIRST?
f
Can you do a video on how I can stop having a crush on you?
Why not dominate the other person and make them respect you?
You cannot "make" another person respect you. You may be able to make them fear you, or do as you wish for a time, but that isn't respect, and even that isn't guaranteed. Every person who tried to make me respect them has only succeeded in earning my frustration and disdain, and I suspect others react similarly to such attempts.
@@justrachel4496I totally agree with you and many children who are yelled at and/or physically assaulted regularly by parents, or other caregivers, fear them, whereas they believe that it garners respect! 🙁
I wish your points at the end of the video were articulated at the beginning, especially the example of your mother. Since the choice of "avoid and distance" or "confront and listen" is a case by case judgement, you come off with a misleading and pessimistic generalization on what to do.
I'm not sure what you mean? The examples I gave weren't about me personally; this topic was sparked by a conversation I had with a close one who was struggling to enforce boundaries. And the topic of the video was delineated early on: why boundary-setting does not work in some situations. Could you direct me to the exact timestamp where I came off with a "misleading and pessimistic generalization"?
Ana I’ve been having constant fear of my loved ones dying. It’s making me feel really depressed. Do you know how to help this?