How we internalize others' shame & how to heal

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  • Опубліковано 21 лис 2024

КОМЕНТАРІ • 120

  • @ke6944
    @ke6944 Рік тому +363

    "Dr. Ana" congratulations!

    • @laraelixirs
      @laraelixirs Рік тому +12

      WAS GONNA SAY THAT,I GOT GOOSEBUMPS THAT IS SO COOL, CONGRATS DR.ANA!!

  • @incorrigiblycuriousD61
    @incorrigiblycuriousD61 Рік тому +155

    Projecting "psychological toxins" stopped me in my tracks. Both of my parents did their best, but came from neglectful and abusive childhoods and, with unresponsive parents who often didn't care, projected the need for shame and always putting other people's needs first onto their children. I suppose we were raised to be the opposite of their parents. "I'm ashamed of you," or "You should be ashamed of yourself" guarantied a response from the child, unlike their own parents. Hearts of gold, but very neurotic! I remember sometimes apologizing for things I didn't even do just to try to keep the peace! Yes, I feel ashamed. I won't do it again. I can laugh about it now. They did their messed up best. Thank you for your videos; they're very insightful and well presented.

    • @AnaPsychology
      @AnaPsychology  Рік тому +27

      I really appreciate the compassion with which you talk about your parents!

    • @3nrika
      @3nrika Рік тому +6

      Projecting "psychological toxins" was a very lucid description. 👍

    • @cucumber-9
      @cucumber-9 Рік тому +11

      I had the same thing with my mom. I lost my dad young, therefore my mom was my main caretaker. While she was loving and caring, she was very neurotic, and borderline paranoid (ofc, understandly so). As the years went on, she worked on some stuff, but the remnants remain…and it sucks when i realise how many stuff i have problems with today are actually from or influenced by her. A compassionate view is definetly more useful when undergoing the healing process.

    • @rachaellouise2666
      @rachaellouise2666 5 місяців тому +1

      I also love the compassionate angle you have come to !

    • @incorrigiblycuriousD61
      @incorrigiblycuriousD61 5 місяців тому

      @@rachaellouise2666 ❤

  • @abdulazizalzhranai3046
    @abdulazizalzhranai3046 Рік тому +82

    Dr. Ana thanks for the vid.. I just wanna share that as a Middle Eastern.. we have an idiom in our culture saying that every person look to others by his perception of him self, and now I heard that from you.. it confirms my understanding.

  • @foreverlove2929
    @foreverlove2929 Рік тому +31

    I’m pregnant with my first baby, it’s the second time I’m watching this video! Taking notes! I’ll rewatch it again to be sure that I understand everything. Thank you Dr Ana! Such a good video! ❤

  • @ilikemaline
    @ilikemaline Рік тому +59

    My mother always told me how I am not good enough, compared me to my cousins and made sure I understood how I don't measure up to them. She also used and emotionally abused me. I have done so much work on myself but this deep, toxic shame I have about who I am and what I want is still so hard to shake off. I am not sure at this point I can even change that inner dialoge I have with myself because it's so brutal, no matter what I do, deep down I have always felt worthless.

    • @elyaequestus1409
      @elyaequestus1409 Рік тому +13

      It can all become ok. These days therapy has become very advanced and there are many treatment options on how to deal with these sorts of identity issues. When I started with mine, I doubted that I would be able to heal. But in the years that followed, I noticed that the bounds of the trauma have lessened and it has become easier and easier to let the light in.
      It can get better.

    • @kerryarrant1523
      @kerryarrant1523 Рік тому +12

      Fear of change is a very real motivation. It is also the law of Nature. Everything changes. Your cells within your body change. Let go of toxic relationships. Vote with your feet. Move away from toxic things by leaving them behind. We can change our minds.

    • @andriyandriychuk
      @andriyandriychuk 5 місяців тому +4

      You are stronger than you think. The voice of inner critic is actually not yours. This is a part grown inside you by others. Yeah it is also part of you but there would be none if there would be no other people who wanted you to fail somehow. You are strong enough to silence your IC and amplify your authentic voice.

    • @dawnemile7499
      @dawnemile7499 Місяць тому +1

      Keep working at it. You may not overcome the abuse until you are elderly but it's worth it.

    • @ilikemaline
      @ilikemaline Місяць тому +1

      @@dawnemile7499 thank you. I don't think I saw any notifications for this post I made a year ago and forgot about it. It made me very emotional reading it in part because it's true but mostly because I see I made a lot of progress in the last year and everything became lighter.

  • @lv4tmnt90
    @lv4tmnt90 Місяць тому +5

    My mother now realize how she caused my sister and I to feel unnecessary guilt an shame all the time. Every time we forgot important things, evev trivial things, she would make it a really big deal. She thought that she was helping us avoid the same mistakes in the future.
    Oh no! My daughters always forget their homework and lose their walets. I better make them worry about what life as an adult is going to be like if they don't start remembering what day of the week it is.

  • @LexesOHara
    @LexesOHara Рік тому +11

    Whoa, this has just helped me realized soooo much that I've been trying to understand about myself. Thanks for this video!!

  • @johnasamoah8668
    @johnasamoah8668 Рік тому +12

    When I am rich I will absolutely be donating to this channel. You play a very important role in helping society.

  • @k.c.sunshine1934
    @k.c.sunshine1934 5 місяців тому +3

    I *highly* *value* *this* *clearly* *articulated* *video.* I suffer AvPD and have issues balancing self-esteem and becoming less adsorptive. I am starting to recognize when others are/have projected onto me and rejecting/reflecting those traits back to the sender rather than introjecting as I did in my youth.

  • @craigymson1392
    @craigymson1392 Рік тому +37

    Hey Doc! Just wanted to take the time to share.
    I remember a time where I really needed advice but I didn’t know where I could go until I stumbled across one of your videos on my page. I want to thank you! Your insight really helped me through some rough times. It especially helped because I live in Chicago and at the time it was nice to know that there are some incredible people here that are doing meaningful work!
    Congratulations Dr. Ana and thank you so much 🙏🏽

    • @AnaPsychology
      @AnaPsychology  Рік тому +3

      I'm so happy to hear that, thank you! Although I no longer live in Chicago, it's a place that will always be near and dear to my heart :')

  • @miss2slick
    @miss2slick Рік тому +4

    I like this video. My mom and I have an enmeshed relationship. As a result, I find myself projecting and especially internalizing frequently in my other relationships. I am in therapy and my awareness has improved a lot. I set boundaries for myself but still find myself subconsciously internalizing. It takes me a while to overcome this. I wish it was easy to just 'reflect like a mirror'. Thanks Dr. Ana. 😊

  • @Leirothehero
    @Leirothehero 2 місяці тому +1

    Dr.Ana, I am so thankful for such a mind who is kind putting their content on UA-cam. It is amazing to hear how to heal without being told nonsense and you are really inspiring. Thank you.

  • @SB-qt8qj
    @SB-qt8qj Рік тому +2

    I just watched your video on projection which was very informative, and now I'm seeing so much things related to projection/internalizing on my twitter feed which is interesting

  • @jerbear97
    @jerbear97 Рік тому +17

    i wish my inner critic sounded like Dr Ana

  • @mezmrzr5977
    @mezmrzr5977 11 місяців тому +1

    I am glad that I found this video in my algorithm. I have been watching a lot of Ana''s videos over the past months and have been learning a lot about myself and other people in a conscious way. I believe I have just dodged myself a bullet from a whole bunch of shaming and manipulation. Overly praised boosts your self-esteem like a skyrocket but it can drop down drastically if absorbed incorrectly, now this person made a significant value into my life then I got to a point where I had to question myself and what is going in in my surroundings. I am not blaming the other person, but I am just being realistic as to what I have observed because I would like to take accountability & responsibility for my own actions too. I've learned how to empathize with other people through kindness, love, and compassion but after watching this, I have realized that I have been a one hell of a big sponge myself where I have been absorbing a lot and giving a lot of safe space for other people to be vulnerable. I may be wrong, but I believe I can learn from this experience and bring the balance to being less of a sponge while at the same time being more kind, loving, and compassionate person.

  • @melisandegajewski3593
    @melisandegajewski3593 Рік тому +8

    Hi ! First congratulations for graduating! And I wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed the video, it felt like a class but not in a boring way. Everything was well explained with definitions and examples so that’s easy to understand and visualize. Thanks

  • @chrcoc
    @chrcoc Рік тому +2

    Your videos are always packed with information, so the summary at the end was super helpful!

  • @Jhawk_2k
    @Jhawk_2k Рік тому +2

    Rocket League has been my therapy recently. Really revealing when it comes to shame, it's crazy how much I self sabotage

    • @Forit26
      @Forit26 Рік тому

      what rank are u??

  • @chrisd3637
    @chrisd3637 Рік тому +2

    Great video Dr Ana- thank you for the explanation. I actually experienced this today with my mum when she asked a big favour, but I didn't want to help because it would be too burdensome for me. As usual she resorted to manipulation, saying things like 'well I've done XYZ in the past', which are of course completely irrelevant to the favour she asked me. She does this a lot, but whenever I confront her about it and 'mirror' instead of absorbing, she just denies doing it. Thankfully mirroring does help negate some internalising, but it's still tricky to not feel a level of shame/guilt for not giving in.

  • @flores50588
    @flores50588 Рік тому +5

    I just watched the andrew huberman podcast talk about this!!! Something about how you explain it makes it hit harder tho!!! Good job 👍

  • @shaddamhossain8890
    @shaddamhossain8890 Рік тому +4

    Dr. Ana congratulations 🎉🎉 My eyes and mind with soul got pleasure to see this❤

  • @vitoria.no.c
    @vitoria.no.c Рік тому +2

    Your videos have helped me so much. I have been to psychologists, but I can rationalize everything and they usually dismiss me. But the anxiety lingers.

  • @stevekirschman354
    @stevekirschman354 10 місяців тому

    Your simplicty and beauty of delivery is so refreshing and a beautiful gift , 🎁 , thank you for doing this channel

  • @danielledesmondrhodes
    @danielledesmondrhodes 2 місяці тому

    Thank you! This video will help when my daughters wants to learn on the why. This will be much more helpful than my tripping over my tongue version.

  • @trappart9209
    @trappart9209 Рік тому

    I see now one more benefit of being aware of your inner experiences. Not only to avoid projection, but also stop projecting myself. Being in touch and aware of ourselves is crucial

  • @Oyinscorner
    @Oyinscorner Рік тому +1

    Congratulations Dr. Ana!!!!

  • @puffer_fish58
    @puffer_fish58 Рік тому +1

    you’re doing such an important and impactful work here on this channel, Ana. congratulations and thank you ❤

  • @shinewithinthedark
    @shinewithinthedark Місяць тому

    I noticed this is common in relationships with abusive folk and narcissists. They tend to do major projective identification…. And the vulnerable one in the connection introjects.

  • @sakshi5610
    @sakshi5610 Рік тому

    Omg you're Dr. Ana now many many congratulations! 🌼🌼🌼

  • @zerohaze928
    @zerohaze928 Рік тому

    Heart-breaking information I learned through this video.

  • @lisbethbird8268
    @lisbethbird8268 Місяць тому

    I learned (from Dr. Don Carveth, among other well qualified sources) that projective identification is an *unconscious* defense, yet here you say that it's done consciously. I'd be interested to learn why you described it this way.

  • @sanecatlady
    @sanecatlady Рік тому +1

    Congratulations Dr. Ana 😊

  • @bianca4829
    @bianca4829 Рік тому

    This is a very unique take on this topic. Thank you for sharing.

  • @BecomingaQueen
    @BecomingaQueen Місяць тому

    Learning a lot from you, thank you 🙏

  • @yusaaziz3214
    @yusaaziz3214 4 місяці тому

    Very well done and thoroughly articulated

  • @Iris-c5f
    @Iris-c5f 28 днів тому

    Superb!!!!

  • @robmetalhead6185
    @robmetalhead6185 Рік тому +13

    Unfortunately this is common letting other people problems or emotions effect ourselves especially with ptsd which this is very common

    • @katfujioka212
      @katfujioka212 Рік тому +2

      With ADHD too, and you often do the idealization/devaluation cycle without malice, just because we get bored of people quickly :(

  • @mekman4
    @mekman4 3 місяці тому

    These are very good insights, thank you!

  • @F1Xas
    @F1Xas Рік тому

    this video is probably super relatable for those who have a close person with BPD (like me), but I think the mirroring tactic is not exactly how one should act in that situation while talking with someone with BPD. Of course is important to acknowledge the projection.

  • @personneici2595
    @personneici2595 Рік тому

    This has helped me understand my social activist (undiagnosed but suspected) convert narcissistic personality disordered mother. Wow.

  • @catalinapacheco907
    @catalinapacheco907 2 місяці тому

    Well this explains the relationship with my ex a lot. Thank you Ana!

  • @historylover9999
    @historylover9999 Рік тому

    Holy crap I was just thinking about this all day today.

  • @DJC819
    @DJC819 11 місяців тому

    Great lesson Dr. Ana!

  • @kellyyang9022
    @kellyyang9022 8 місяців тому

    Ana, thank you so much for your content! This video has helped me in so many ways. I hope you keep making these 😄

  • @mesCheerios
    @mesCheerios Рік тому

    ooh congratulations!! Thanks for sharing your learnings with us all this time

  • @watamutha
    @watamutha Місяць тому

    This is a really good video.

  • @Mauri-lu7or
    @Mauri-lu7or Рік тому +6

    Hello Ana, I find this "reflecting back" technique very interesting, is there any article/book/etc that takes a deep look into that? It would be very helpful thank you :D

  • @dawnemile7499
    @dawnemile7499 Місяць тому

    Very good information.

  • @abiodunmichaelolatokun2844
    @abiodunmichaelolatokun2844 Рік тому +1

    Congrats re PhD!

  • @Calbizzle
    @Calbizzle Рік тому

    Very interesting topic area. Food for thought. Could you talk about how to spot healthy behaviour? Or what they are?

  • @advkartikbhalla
    @advkartikbhalla Рік тому +9

    Greetings! Could you kindly provide recommendations for books or authors specializing in the fields of narcissism, dark triad personalities and human psychology? Additionally, I would greatly appreciate any insights into books that captured your interest during your doctoral studies.

    • @AnaPsychology
      @AnaPsychology  Рік тому +7

      At the top of my head, Heinz Kohut and Otto Kernberg are huge experts in the field of narcissistic personalities. I also really loved "Self and Others" by Hamilton which has chapters on NPD and other personality styles. I need to reflect a bit more before I think about my recommendations on human psychology in general :)

    • @advkartikbhalla
      @advkartikbhalla Рік тому +2

      @@AnaPsychology Thanks a lot for sharing. It would be great if you can make a video dedicated only on books recommendation, articles and maybe if possible you can make a video on the NPD and it's connected topics with a completely new perspective. I have watched your older videos and I learned a lot from it. 🙏🏻 Thanks again for sharing your knowledge and wisdom.

  • @LyubomiraGerova97
    @LyubomiraGerova97 Рік тому +9

    The past 2 years have been difficult for me because I realized that me being around my mother brings out one of the worst most sad things about me and the way I think and talk to myself. I've been feeling ashamed of the fact that I don't prefer to talk to her, because through self-reflection I've been able to see that the more I am spending time with her, the more bitter and depressed a person I become. It's hard because I am sure of her love towards me and I don't want to cause her pain by avoiding her, but it's the better thing I can do - to care about my well being and the well being of those around me.

    • @gratitudegrateful705
      @gratitudegrateful705 Рік тому

      I hope you heal. I can relate each words and what you are going through. Atleast you are self aware of what someone presence does to you. I think this is the first step of healing.
      This shall pass too. 🙂

    • @leamubiu
      @leamubiu Рік тому +4

      Been there. Never doubted her love for me, but as I grew up I became ever more reactive to her. The best I could do was isolate myself as much as possible from her, even under the same roof. Even as a young adult I stayed stuck in that emotional state around her, we never could get along. She passed away before I could heal, and sometimes I wish our story had been different. But I did the best I could with what I had at the time.
      You’re doing the best you can with what you have at this time. You’ll be alright.

    • @ClearAbyss
      @ClearAbyss Рік тому

      This sounds kind of like me. It feels so messed up and I wish I could get past it.

  • @kiboorg1236
    @kiboorg1236 Рік тому

    I love the thumbnail

  • @joevaughey2100
    @joevaughey2100 Рік тому

    Very useful. Thank you ✌️

  • @RenukaSakhare-e3v
    @RenukaSakhare-e3v Місяць тому

    Been at the receiving end of projective identification and was also vulnerable. I keep mulling about it. Now I can choose not to absorb it and not think about it...

  • @anju8376
    @anju8376 Рік тому +9

    my nature: ☺️🫶🏽💃🏽🧚🏾‍♀️✨
    my mother’s: 😡🔪🌩️🖤😱
    my sister’s: 🤬😫👼🏽😈🕷️
    guess who got projected on and scapegoated? the only reason i have any empathy for myself is because even as a child being abused and shamed, i still tried to protect my little sister from it. i know i am good no matter what ppl tell me. i am no contact with everyone who tried to tell me im a naturally bad person. just proves that they never knew me.

  • @roguebatman6161
    @roguebatman6161 Рік тому

    Your awesome I been thinking about this lately.

  • @sleyaraze8916
    @sleyaraze8916 Рік тому

    This is really a cool topic! That's dr. Ana

  • @stevensvideosonyoutube
    @stevensvideosonyoutube 12 днів тому

    It only goes to show there are liars around any corner. If there is a forthright passage, maybe the road is turned maybe it is beset by some other falsehood. I agreed that things worth doing require more time investment and dedication than conceptual daydreaming. In light of time that is spent on a goal making an actual representative result is the clincher. Thanks.

  • @lovedivasong
    @lovedivasong Рік тому

    This was so well explained!

  • @vivienjulesbaton1754
    @vivienjulesbaton1754 Рік тому

    thanks for this video ❤

  • @themistoclesnelson2163
    @themistoclesnelson2163 Рік тому

    Thank you for this video. It was interesting.

  • @ChangLRC
    @ChangLRC Рік тому +4

    Could you make a video trying to help people project less?

    • @AnaPsychology
      @AnaPsychology  Рік тому +5

      I have a few videos that touch on that:
      -why we get so triggered over celebrities
      -using shadow work to manage self-righteousness
      But I definitely want to go deeper into this in the future!

    • @ChangLRC
      @ChangLRC Рік тому

      @@AnaPsychology also your book is perfect💖

  • @TRESSS
    @TRESSS Рік тому +2

    Really been enjoying the uploads lately, gonna put the bell on to stay on track with 'em. Thank you for all the insight and psychological knowledge you share, and keep it up! :)

  • @cindywambugu4308
    @cindywambugu4308 8 місяців тому

    I love your videos

  • @charlie-jd3ls
    @charlie-jd3ls Рік тому

    thanks dr ana!!!

  • @jeffreychandler8418
    @jeffreychandler8418 Рік тому +1

    so one question i have regarding this. You suggest to reflect it back like a mirror, but I find that nowadays, I do reflect projections back really well, but I still internalize some of their projection despite me trying to consciously not to. What kind of dynamic/suggestion do you see/have?

  • @cjc9009
    @cjc9009 2 місяці тому

    Any resources to know more about how society pushes this separatist, individualistic narrative? I've had it in the background of my mind for a few years now but haven't read anything about it of volume - books, articles, etc.?

  • @chittaranjanmondal6943
    @chittaranjanmondal6943 Місяць тому

    প্লীজ ওকে ফিরিয়ে দিন ,😢

  • @12Sanguine
    @12Sanguine Рік тому

    Is the mental health journal available outside the USA? When I try to open the link, it does not work in the UK. Thank you!

  • @AngelLopez-dk4hw
    @AngelLopez-dk4hw 7 місяців тому

    I don't know what to add to this except, that, most people are very toxic and put people around them at risk due to their toxicity.
    Most of the time toxic (sick) people are not even aware of of messed up they are.
    I don't know I guess I am just allergic to toxic people.

  • @Kliciouslykool
    @Kliciouslykool Рік тому

    Thx

  • @MrHarryc727
    @MrHarryc727 7 місяців тому +1

    I see this in the effects of slavery on some communitys. I see idealized ethnic groups like Asians feeling really valued. Very confusing.

  • @zeato6320
    @zeato6320 11 місяців тому

    What if I'm the one projecting my shame or toxins onto others?

  • @paulrhyne4
    @paulrhyne4 Рік тому

  • @carolw3391
    @carolw3391 Рік тому

    This topic is amazing. I have already watched it twice.I found it very guiding for my life. Really like the content.👍

  • @fede22081
    @fede22081 Рік тому

    David getting called out! Goddamn

  • @loveswintertrees
    @loveswintertrees Рік тому

    It’s always the guys insecure about how much they make who tell you that you won’t amount to anything, or the ones who flirt with women and accuse you of cheating.

  • @nazaren45
    @nazaren45 Рік тому

    👍

  • @damnablethief
    @damnablethief 23 дні тому

    My ex...she did alot fo the devaluing and invalidating...to this day it eats at me

  • @catalina3163
    @catalina3163 10 місяців тому

    how can i order the journal in romania without having to pay the fees?

  • @joshd6876
    @joshd6876 Місяць тому

    😘

  • @remieva9447
    @remieva9447 Рік тому +1

    This is very helpful.

  • @troyingram716
    @troyingram716 Рік тому

    We need to use psychology to stop gun violence

  • @Star-dj1kw
    @Star-dj1kw Рік тому

  • @eagleeggs3862
    @eagleeggs3862 11 місяців тому

    Why are people not absorbers? What makes a person like that ?

  • @tmking7483
    @tmking7483 5 місяців тому

    Awesome summary _ are you an Avatar or Real person _ ? Your missing normal facial expressions xpressions
    🤔

  • @tankbyers9838
    @tankbyers9838 Рік тому

    I'm ya the opposite of an absorber I just tend to assume that people say shit to me to attack me

  • @carinaroberta8210
    @carinaroberta8210 Місяць тому

    O que faz uma pessoa "ser chata de verdade" é fazer o outro gostar do que vc gosta ou te obrigar a fazer e ser x, y coisa

  • @Wackaflaka89
    @Wackaflaka89 Місяць тому

    people think i act weird around strangers, but yeah duh lol, when i go home people dont kno that theres literal domestic abuse *laughing crying emoji*

  • @tjmays.4969
    @tjmays.4969 Рік тому

    the black hair and turtleneck make u look like just a head and that’s funny (i’m incredibly high)

  • @tmking7483
    @tmking7483 5 місяців тому

    Why so much shame in our cultures?
    I was driving home last night and I noticed men taking their wife's( cows) out for a walk. The women are wrapped in black and he holds her arm so she doesn't escape. Creepy people we invited to Canada.
    I dont have a cow to take for a walk.
    Maybe I should get one _ I like milk too. Moo Moo Moo I married a COW because I am a COW.

  • @renlabellecoaching
    @renlabellecoaching 4 місяці тому

    It’s always the mother’s fault? Ughh

  • @chamomilescented9877
    @chamomilescented9877 Рік тому

    Amazing video. Can we have more of these, with examples of revelations you are having on a daily basis? I'd love to hear more of that. 🤍

  • @auroraborealis6398
    @auroraborealis6398 2 місяці тому +1

    If you say to someone "I feel controlled" and they answer "that's how you feel" is that a way to mirror you or deflect? It was weird because I took care in formulating a sentence that wouldn't be too offensive and they still took it as offensive. I thought speaking of my feelings and not about them would be a good option. In that case it seemed that it wasn't a good. But they kept on questioning me more and got more upset as I was answering. I'm still not sure who was the one projecting onto the other