What happens when you hide your true self from a Narcissist?
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- Опубліковано 10 бер 2024
- Due to their envy and sense of superiority narcissistic people generally don’t appreciate or celebrate the qualities or achievements of others. They tend to criticise and sabotage. There’s unkind humour and they can be pretty good at problematising anything they feel challenges their version of themselves or their sense of status.
They can also be emotionally draining. Constant criticism, temper tantrums or lack of recognition can erode confidence and resilience in those around them.
This video looks at the long term affect of hiding skills, talents and beliefs when in a narcissistic relationship or environment including a lost sense of self worth and a loss of self and identity.
#narcissisticabuseawareness #narcissisticrelationship #mentalhealth
Second part in a series looking at the suppression of talents, capability and beliefs around narcissistic people. Last time I discussed why people hide their true selves, this time looking at the long term impact. Next time I'll be looking at what happens when someone finds their voice, begins utilise their skills, and the impact this can have on the narcissistic people in their lives. Transcript of the video will be available for free on Substack
Thank you for the work you do
In this series, can you please address post narcissistic abuse rumination and how to stop it? Thank you.
Hi @BeeBeeBell I made a video on rumination and some ideas to help, it'll be in the recovery playlist. Hope you find it helpful.
Yep. Jealousy and envy drives them to destroy your light and joy. There’s a malevolent air and energy in them that I think it’s unnatural. Long term effects are destructive I call them: destiny destroyers. Without self esteem self sabotage emerges. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
It's more destructive to show your light in the abusive environments _ the ' theys' are not interested in u. Keep developing _ even if you're in abusive environments _ there's no real collaboration in an abusive NPD BPD environments _ if they hire psychopaths it's an abusive environment ,_ there's a very good reason they NEED Psychopaths. Shine but not around psychopaths.
Well said.destiny destroyers hiding is self supressing leads to low self esteen then self sabotage.i even wondered if being aware and fully consciously not shining, if that will make a difference.its our natural tendency to express fully but when is dangerous should one push ahead and face consequences or is it possible to self supress but not self destruct when you do it consciously bargaining with yourself mAKing clear its necessity not choice and you arent betraying yourself
@@user-bn2st5kx8hI believe their poison of their devaluation and erosion of our self esteem is where self sabotage comes in it gets cemented thru trauma in the subconscious but it can be undone with lots of self affirmations and I go to God for my “self inherited value”. Before, he made me believe my value came from him, until I realized it is a lie and our self worth is internal validation thru the inherited love and high self worth from Our Creator. It changed my life and perspective. I still have to cancel those lies when they had light me… I call it internal gaslighting and just say nope! I will make a video on the reasons why we stayed so long. It starts w low self esteem and their manipulation tactics but they would have never succeeded if we had a secure attachment. 💕
Well my comment is: I immediately thought that it's the the narcissist who needs to seek professional help!!!!!!
I call them blessing blockers ❤
I worked for a communal narcissist for 8 years. Everything Darren states happened. The guy was a "helpful" nit picker and criticizer with a smile on his face. Every solution I developed had a problem. Every concern I voiced was an "anger issue" that needed training. Every ball he dropped was a "communication issue" that was my fault. He marginalized my software engineering work into becoming nothing more than a technical gofer. I had been a rapidly promoted star performer before he took over as my boss. The pay was good and the work was easy, so I stayed. I should have departed. It utterly destroyed me inside to the point that I eventually took early retirement.
It's so confusing because your true self is often what attracts them to you. But once they feel you belong to them, all your skills, intellect and abilities become targets. Even your ability to show selflessness, love, kindness and compassion for others becomes a threat they feel need to eliminate.
And once you do start to close yourself off or create a little distance for yourself, they notice it immediately and start going in on you for that, too. There's really no pleasing them so you end up feeling like a candle that's constantly being burned at both ends.
I learn to manipulate a documented chemical conditions to my advantage to employ distance/grey rock/ being emotionally unavailable to enjoy my own space at home a part from my spouse to lessen the effect of being drain narcissistically.
@@Mr-br9ylyes, it works “temporarily” and it’s just not the way to live. It’s like slow erosion of your self until you can’t find you.
After the dust settled at the end of my relationship, I looked back at it and struggled to understand just how much I gave up to be with him. It simply wasn't worth it
I was the Scapegoat in a raging, abusive, neglectful, alcoholic family.
The Golden Child, my older sister, was the only child allowed to have any talents.
My job was to obey, be invisible and let her shine.
I am so sorry. Destructive toxic family patterns are a bear. I get you and u destine. 🥰💕🦋
I was the golden child. My sis was you
Screw that! Go make up for lost time!
@@immers2410how's life working out for you?
@@Daysleeper1000 I’m a complete narcissist, so not too well.
This talk should be presented to high schoolers for their social studies.
You die on the inside.
But once you reconcile the lie of gaslighting and realize how truly amazing you are and your inherited value that God gave you, then those lies become a nothing. On to un-program the brainwashing and then Boom! There you are your amazing internal beauty and authentic self. I believe you. 💕☀️
@@mendedandwhole💯💯💯❤✨
If I dare to go into my craft room, my husband will say in a snarky voice, "Have fun in your little room?" The last time we went to the grocery store together, when we got home he asked why do people smile and talk to you? He cannot handle anyone talking to me, even my own family members. The last time I wore a dress was 23 years ago. I put a beautiful blue dress on to attend one of my 8 yr old son's functions. My husband laughed at me so hard, I went and changed and never wore a dress again. These are just a few of the many things that have happened over 33 years of marriage. I am only still here because I cannot afford to live on my own, why? He never wanted me to work and when I did, sabotaged it.
I am so sorry. ❤
Try to create as many safe spaces and me time as you can. Lie if you must. You are so much smarter than him!
See if you can find a way to leave anyways. Maybe you can!
Seek out as many safe people as possible. Half safe doesn't equate safe. Learn about trauma, trauma bonds and CPTSD. Tim Fletcher has many YT series committed to CPTSD. Also, I finally tried one more time to go on antidepressants, and latest studies ( 2019) have proven that Prozac rewires the brain to unlearn fear. Also, if you're in constant "fight or flight" ( I was-- I was scapegoated in my family and married a very difficult immature man for 40 years) it's ruining your nervous system and brain. Sometimes, low doses of beta blockers are helpful until you get regulated. These things helped me, and thankfully I have a good doctor who listens. I had to speak up and explain what was happening. Do this for YOU and your child. 🦋
Leave. It’s a lie you can’t make it. You can!
@heatherjordan4022 yes, you can. Run run run you'll be glad you did.
Thanks for this video Darren, it's very timely for me right now. Yesterday I had to go through the charade of honouring my narc mother for 'mothers day' and as I restrict my visits these days she was keen to manipulate as much info from me as she could. She went into 'I'm your best friend' mode while all the while I could almost hear her brain working away as she tried one tack after another. I've been grey rocking for about six months now and I am no longer her hand maid and she knows I've changed. I never tell her any of my news and never share my true feelings, hopes or fears. I talk about gardening, the weather, the news, anything that she can't store up and use and it can be exhausting. I have a very supportive partner who helps me to take care of my anxiety and let's me talk out my feelings, I have had some excellent therapy in the past and I've learnt how to take care of myself as I heal but it can feel like very hard work sometimes. It does get easier if you keep going and stay in your truth. The guilt and shame and low self esteem is receeding. The more I learn and the more work I put in to pull myself out of a toxic family system the stronger I feel. ❤🖖
And after giving until dry, exhausted, still they demand more. Expect it, as their rightful due. Until the day they die. And accuse us of being horribly mean and stingy if depriving them of their just due. How dare we question them.
He's not joking about the identity crisis part. --Best! :)
Their words to make me mad and explode...don't seem to have an effect on me anymore.
I don't even eat good foods, yoga, meditation, watching intellectual content on UA-cam, in front of him, even a single laugh while talking on a phone can easily trigger my husband, he will wait and throw it back in some other tricky ways......each and every cell in their bodies are filled with venom. I have forgotten myself for the past 16 years, few months before only I started rejuvenate myself, understanding the situations better and safeguarding myself and my kid emotionally well. Thanks a lot to youtube snd people like you are educating us to overcome and start living
❤💪🏼 You got this!
Stay strong 💞 I used to do the same, then little by little gained ground in self-esteem, until I felt comfortable asserting myself (gently) bit by bit. I sometimes had to confront and ‘call out’ the negativity. Therapy helps. Today, I’m happy to say that much of the time, I receive support from the one who used to belittle! We’ve been working on this for years. It is worth the effort, to be able to live freely.
Darren, thank you. This series is very timely for me. I just finished my bachelor’s degree (a childhood dream), but now that I have it, I am overwhelmed and nervous about actually using my skills. I sometimes wonder if they’re all just in my head. Suppressing one’s identity for decades is a powerful way to squash a voice.
Spot on Darren. Narcisists are life and love killers.
I once had a manager at work who told me he wanted me to change my communication style during a performance review, as he dropped off the remote meeting he starting sniggering and said, "and I don't like it when you use big words".
The covert ones will ignore and devalue when you share your work, but “subtly” demand that everyone else praise theirs by complaining that no one ever does. So you try to give them all the supply, as if it’s an exchange they’ll pay back in kind. (They won’t.) If you stop sharing your work, and find a way to value yourself privately, without their nonexistent praise or attention, they’ll complain you never share anything with them anymore and make you the problem in a new way. Then if you do share something to appease them, they’ll find an excuse or reason not to offer any positive things to say all over again, leaving you just feeling like a fool for falling into it all again. Not just that, you’re left praising *them* to soothe their injured ego. Again and again. Exhausting.
I know this all too well. I had to go no contact with my mother, because of narcissistic jealousy, as she aged and due to certain life events. Sister? Always been jealous. I go through this at work, as well. Come up with a wonderful cost and time savings idea? People will love you at first. But the green eyes come out, soon after. Enough to make you ashamed of such accomplishments. You walk on eggshells a bit, because even having had decent childhood experiences, can trigger jealousy in narcissistic coworkers, when you show pictures, even though others may have, as well.
I’d bet that, like many of us, we can be long unaware of this jealousy and are taken aback, when we find out about it. It’s also the type of jealousy where, it’s not that you’re extraordinarily beautiful, smart, talented. I’m not. But that they FEEL less than one or more of those things.
As narcissists don’t typically have any introspection, there’s no brakes or self check on their jealousy also. It‘s often more strategic, than ever wavering. They become righteous in their jealousy and how they intend to inflict pain on their target. And, contrary to what people may think, the target, nor anyone else, can make the narcissist feel any better.
On the receiving end, I feel all the things stated here. While I’ve left my family, just by the need of an income, I feel stuffed into a hole at work. We may “appear” to all get along. But, I know a lot of background and pickup on nuances. My boss has made such an effort to dilute my efforts, she’s even diverted work, so I die on the vine. I’ve been doing about 2 weeks work, for more than a year now. But, I’ve learned I cannot have family, friends and coworkers, even though I have to work, to support myself. I’m best off, as a lone wolf, with pets by my side and I’ll likely die alone.
While I’m not nearing suicide, I can see why some targets might. While we may not need validation, like narcissists, it becomes a rather lengthy spans of pounding, when you cannot smile, achieve, learn a new skill or have a talent, without seeing the cold stare of a jealous person, likely backed by some insecurity. Sad, when you can see how much they have to offer. Even things you might’ve been jealous of, if you were so inclined.
As a person who did that... The cost is that it is not very nice lmao
By "not very nice" I mean "you will eventually become someone you dont know"
😞I am so glad I clicked on this video! This is what is happening to me. I couldn't put a finger on it and have done so much inner work but something insidious is still lingering inside, affecting so many aspects of my life. This is it. Thank you, as I know have a blueprint to work with. I think my own father and brother are narcs so the damage started early on. But then I married the worst kind: the covert narc. It destroyed me. He has been gone for 6 years but the over 2 decades of damage was extensive and very deep.
As the only unwanted child of a narcissistic single mom, the ex-wife of two husbands of varying degrees, and the mother of 😢 a son who definitely has the tendencies, all I can say is….. AMEN!
In my relationship, I became aware that my spouse want to drain me of my bandwidth, couple with weaponized incompetence, so I direct spouse inquiries to "you know Google explains it better than I could", many times she will not seek the answer/knowledge.
Would love to see another video specifically focusing on the suppression and hiding of beliefs.
Great topic Darren! I can relate to this in my professional life and my 28 year marriage with a Narc. I have a very high IQ and am naturally good at many things (boy that sounds narcissistic doesn't it😂). However, when others realize this, they get HIGHLY jealous and it's cost me a few jobs. I hid it after that for quite a while, but I won't any longer. It isn't our place to diminish our true selves to compensate for others.
I never dreamed it would be a problem in my marriage, but my wife has become more nasty than usual and actually told me that she wanted to take things away from me and hurt me because she doesn't have them. I was blown away and can't even begin to understand why a spouse would feel that way and not be proud of me. Yeah, this is a topic I don't see discussed and it's definitely something that can really depress you professionally and personally.
From across the water here in Glasgow, thank you again Darren.
You describe so many feelings and situations that are so instantly recognisable to all of us. 👍🏼
I’d guess you become the narcissist, lying to yourself that you can hide your true feelings while you hope to change them, that either the feelings or the partner will change, so you don’t have to.
But this is real life. As Dr. Phil says, “we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge.”
The best way to skip the drama is to be honest with ourselves and those around us about where we’re at.
With the understandings that people are 3 dimensional, and flawed, nobody is perfect, least of all ourselves.. forgive ourselves and find healthier ways to move forward.
Thank you Darren. You're spot on 🎯
Thank you very much for sharing, Darren. ❤
Thankyou for your genuine words. God bless you
Due to incongruous time zones, I have to view it later. Looking forward to some great info.
I assure you time zones work in harmony with one another.
Thankyou - I am glad that I came across you on UA-cam 😊
This guy is one smooth dude hahaha
Can you talk about how people who deal with narcissism sometimes also develop clutter issues?
This is relatable content. Thanks Darren
That's why its better to use your talents through self employment you cut out narc coworkers and bosses and your room to grow is limitless.
Exactly!
Thank you for this video it's very helpful
Great video! Can you do a video explaining what to do to take the power back please?
I’m doing a livestream tomorrow evening looking at that topic if you’d find that helpful? Also, the third part of the series is out next Monday
great, will tune in, thanks
@@DarrenFMagee
If i ever showed enjoyment my mother, husband would look at me like a zoo animal and interrogate for info to embarrass me with later
Your irish charm is showing lol❤
❤
In this series, can you please address post narc abuse rumination? Thank you.
I have a video on that topic already if you’d find it helpful?
THIS WAS ISISH ME. I’d like to ask where you got these info from.?
✨💛✨