Ostracism - Being abused without a word being said
Вставка
- Опубліковано 6 чер 2024
- To be ostracised, excluded by others can be one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse in the sense that the aggressors don't have to actually do anything except ignore their target. It can happen at work, in communities, friendship groups and even families.
In this video I outline what it is, the affects on someone's mental health and refer to research carried out by Professor Kipling D Williams.
For further information: www.purdue.edu/newsroom/resea...
Please use the comment section to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos.
If you find this video helpful or interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon.
/ dfmagee
#ostracism #emotionalabuse #darrenmagee
If you confront your abusers they will probably shun you to make it like you’re the one who’s the problem.
exactly
That is true. Get ready for it. As my very wise brother told me, "Love them, ... and let them go."
Amen. Like any abuser, they don't like to be called out. And if you do, be ready to be called 'crazy'
Yep!
Oh my god this is exactly what happened to me
It's awful. They fawn over other people while simultaneously icing their target.
That’s a narcissist thing.
Susan C. That is a very good description
Whatever you do, don't try to get this person to be friends. They want to see you squirm. Instead ice them out right back. See how they "like" it 😆
@@alipainting Exactly.
exactly
I left a hobby group who ostracised me. Once I'd left; they asked me again and again to return. They still send me their newsletter. These people NEED to have a person in the " outsider" role.
Mine was a church group but "snap" it was easier to have an outsider than yo reflect on their shit.
Yup, like narcissists need supply. That's pretty funny, you ostracized them right back .
Yes, had the same. They were laughing at me so I left and then they pestered me to come back 'oh they didn't mean it'. I left and started my own craft group
@@helengibbs3153 Yep, religious groups (among other types of group) like to go on about things an out-group did to them many years ago rather than reflect on abuses that happened within the in-group much more recently. And/or scapegoat random people
Same - in fact, I used to organise and run the group
Now, every time their group falls apart because of internal squabbling, they "mistakenly" add me to a group chat, or will send a message from an unknown number to try to get me to organise the group again
No, thanks. Done being your punching bag, ta
In my experience, no one ever seems to remember when they've hurt you
I wish there was at least only one person of all the ones that ostracised me to come and tell me what i did to them .. but noooo that won't happen..
(Which makes me kind of afraid to reïncarnate into the same group of souls because the story didn't end between us.. 😮)
most people who ostracise others are usually insecure of their own position in life. So instead of bettering themselves, they try to knock the other person down due to their own inadequacies.
This has happened to me several times. I don't trust women as friends any more.
As a woman myself, I totally agree. I find it hard to trust women.
True. Women does this with cruelty. Guys tend in my experience to get angry get over it and move on
Agree. Women can be so vicious.
Me neither. I am ostricised in the golfclub...constantlygaslighted...how areyou..and having found the main culprit I have to deal with her monkeys now...one i trusted..she is a pawn and a sneak..she will ask me why i am abrupt with her..I don't know how I will answer.
I'm deeply sorry, Gail, that that is how your feel. Please examine what you mean by "friend." Choose only those who meet those criteria, period. When I went through my journey through hell, my women friends were supportive and a deep comfort. Quality ladies. They're out there.
To this day I am very careful to not make anyone feel left out,because I don't want to make anyone feel the way I felt. Even with my cats. If one is on my lap, I am sure to tell the other one I love it so it doesn't feel ignored.
Thank you for making a positive difference
What a loving person you are.
Yeah! Me too!
Lena That's lovely and I'm sure that the cats really appreciate being included!
I'm also that way inclined as a result of being ostracised, BUT I've ended up being friendly to the wrong people, who are loners for good reasons, so need to be extra careful in the future. 😊
I'm the same way
Thank you for covering this topic. It is one I hadn’t considered in my overall family experience but my sisters did this to me as far back as I can remember. I was actually surprised several years ago when I was invited to my niece’s wedding. Reality hit, however, when I was excluded from the family photo and then excluded from the family table at the reception. In fact, I was never even served my meal. Several flying monkeys approached and asked why, trying to get a reaction from me. Proudly, though, I did not react and merely redirected the conversation to the bride and groom. I’ve been no contact for 17 months now. I could write for days and weeks about the abuse and trauma suffered at the hands of my family. Perhaps some day I will. Right now, though, I find tremendous strength in knowing I’m not alone and that I can come here and find validation for my experiences. Thank you!
I have the same experience as you and my family made me feel like I was mentally ill if I reacted or said something about it! I was the fifth wheel under the wagon and I was only good to them if they could use and abuse me I was belittled by them. They took my kindness for stupidity but I got enough and walked away unfortunately in a not so good time ( my mother was sick but very abusive and was constantly scolding me even if I took care of all her needs! I was never good enough no matter what I did for my mother ) but for me it was necessary to do so! Hard to do, flying monkeys etc who said hurtful things and saying that my experiences wasn't true or that I was to sensitive or that they didn't mean to hurt me. They did so for over 50 year's until I finally got it and understood that it was narcissism. It's hard for others to get it but when you live and have grown up with this It's a diffrent story, shame on me but I was trained and not allowed to react!
@@susannesamuelsson2930 I’m so sorry you went through all that. Reading your comment, I am struck by your words, “shame on me but I was trained and not allowed to react!” That’s exactly how I felt. I try to forgive myself for not being more aware but it was like being brainwashed. It took 57 years for me to get it but at least I finally got it and I’m physically free. I’m still working on the psychological/emotional healing.
My mother planned a whole vacation - flights, vrbo rental home, activities, etc. - for herself with my 2 brothers and their families, then waited until the weekend before they all left to "invite" my husband and me and our kids to drive (I guess) for 14 hours each way to join them.
"You should really think about coming. It's going to be so much fun and I'm sure there's plenty of room."
The trip had been planned for months. Their flights were all coordinated. And the rental place had only enough space for them.
Mom "invited" us while we were eating the dinner we had taken over to her house on the Sunday before she and the others were to leave on the "family trip." Knowing what I now know, I think she did it then so that she could enjoy watching me realize how much she resents me and how insincere the invitation was while also being able to tell herself that she "tried to include" us.
True to form, her cruelty and callousness didn't hit me until I was driving home. That's when I realized we were actually never intended to come, the invite was a ruse and even if we could get the days off and would be willing to make the huge drive, we were not welcome or wanted.
Ever since then, we've had prior commitments that have prevented us attending subsequent holidays and events like weddings and graduations.
I may have been deeply hurt and angry, but I can grow and learn from that experience. Mom will just find a new target and continue to be a bitter, spiteful, insecure bully because she refuses to examine her conduct or her feelings.
Wouldn't it have been fun to tell the flying monkey asking about why you weren't at the family table and weren't served a dinner: "I'm sure they're mortified that they ran out of food, but I'm happy to help them save money in some small way. It's what family does, right? "
@@lacecurtainirish Yes I was trained just to take it from an early age and I guess it was normal for me sadly enough! Our family dynamics was off and different and I never felt loved or even safe so i learned to keep my mouth shut! If I reacted to the abuse I was punished and called mentally ill I didn't have the right to my feelings. They robbed me of my dreams and potentials as well as of my self worth, I was worthless! I was over 50 years old when I finally saw the whole thing and understood that my mother didn't love me. My parents where both narcissist. My mother a covert narcissist and my dad is to this day a neglectful narcissist. My mother and father married because I was on the way and they got divorced when I was 4 almost 5 years old. My mother got remarried. My half-sister was born, she was the golden child and I became the scapegoat and my mother got happy when life was hard for me. She was happy when I was sad! My dad hasn't cared much for me either and I was an anusence to him to take off, he didn't care if I visited him I ended up staying with my grandmother and my uncle who was more of a caring daddy towards me than my own father was. My father held me on an armlengts distance and do so still to this very day! I have to do.a lot of self healing just like you have to do too! We owe it to ourself to be happy and worthy to feel happiness as well as be good enough and worthy just as we are! Love and courage to you from me and we live better lives in the long run without our narcissistic abusers and their toxic behaviors! Live well, greetings to you from me in Sweden!
I was ostrasised by my whole family, it ruined me so completely that have been single my whole adult life and I have no friends and struggle in work. I hadnt seen any of them for 20 years, then i heard from one of them to say i needed to be tested for a genetic illness, i saw some of them and i have been retraumatised over again. The pain of being ostracised by your family from a young age is so painful its not possible to put into words, especially when you are left to0 destroyed to create a new life.
Pls forgive but ask ur self how have u rebuild new life. If u have no friends and struggle at work.
I'm in ur position and decided I will find create a life , outside of family.
I found friends and faith family and found I had a life outside of family. And I'm well regard at work. Therapy and faith helped me. Maybe u?
Not to brag...later I learned my blood family became jealous because somehow they learned I had new life. I was surprised because it proved I was someone, others valued ❤
Refuse to accept any communication, have a 3rd party contact them if they have to talk about someone. Just don't do it yourself.
I know just what you mean
I’m just realizing that I was ostracized. I was given away by my mom to a family of her ex boyfriend and they pretended to be my family until the matriarch who’d posed as my grandmother passed and the. All the family secrets came out. My mom who gave me away and whom I never spent more than 10 days with in my whole life felt the need to break the news to me over the lady’s deathbed in a hospice room. It bought shivers up my spine as well as clarity as to why I never was quite accepted. The lady who raised me hated gays and when she realized I was gay I was no longer invited to family events. Instead of inviting me to places where she might become embarrassed by my not fitting in she would pay me to stay home. So for instance Christmas after the age of 14 I would always be alone. She would travel back to Virginia to be with her siblings and nieces and nephews. Her daughter (my aunt so I thought) would be with her family and who I thought was my dad if he wasn’t in jail would be with his family and then 14 yro me alone with a $1000 as my incentive. We never talked about being gay she just saw signs and tried to ignore it. I eventually told her that her sister son molested me at 6 and I had had those feelings since. But being older now I realize she already knew but did nothing to help. I was 16 when I told her and she said nothing. A year later she came and asked if “… I was still like that” and I said yes and she said nothing. And that was it. We never ever discussed sex ever. But she knew because I had started to do things to boys at my daycare that was done to me. I would touch them during nap time and I got put out of my first daycare at 5 because of it. Instead of her getting to the bottom of where this behavior came from she just ignored it. Which is now why I believe not one person in that house hold came to me ever for the birds and the bees talk they just ignored it. I was 23 yro when she died and I never ever bought a girlfriend or boyfriend home and they never even questioned it. To this day I do not date at all have never been in a relationship. Sex is always taboo and with someone that doesn’t want me for me but only wants my physical and I am attracted to that type. I had one person try and intimate with me and I sabotaged it completely. I didn’t even know how to be touched in an affectionate why without feeling like a 5 yro child. He tried and I couldn’t receive it and so I lost the only person that i knew at some point had fell in love with me. I loved him and really wanted to be with him but I didn’t know how to express and now he hates me. So I don’t even try anymore. Now I’m 37 never been with a women sexually and never have been in any relationship. Just sex when nature calls but mostly just alone. I hate it here.
I'm in the same situation. Ostracized until they want information or money. I've gone no contact and it feels better, though still very painful. It's hard to make friends because I wonder why anyone would be friends with a person that is so hated.
It can be so subtle and nobody else notices. If you're waiting for somebody else to notice, forget it. The woman at work who did this to me, she just hated that other people liked me. So she set out to ice me out.
Try icing her out right back, it might be fun. In the meantime continue being super friendly to everyone else.
Exactly, at work it can be very bad. And they only speak to you when they want something and only you can get it for them and it is not any conversation other than they need something.
Oh I feel your pain, I had a very popular supervisor do this to me at my workplace for the very same reason of plain old green envy due to others found me likeable in a general everyday sense. She would never admit she was that insecure...who would. So of course people like this spin a yarn of how you deserve to be ostracized because your such a bad person /employee and they play the victim. They are master convincing manipulators. Not many see through their evil ways
@@beaulieuc8910 exactly
Had and have this problem soon as I try get my truth out I'm called every bad insult a father would crack I did and it got worse they got worse got therapist it helped some still healing. GOD BLESS YOU ALL AMEN ✝️.
They like to escalate to the most hurtful level, then ostracize you like they’re taking the mature route by silence
Being ostracised by your family of origin must be the hardest and most wounding experience of ostracisation. You get left out of family gatherings, interrupted all of the time and "corrected" if you express an opinion. It is a constant corrosion of confidence and self esteem. It sets a child up to be bullied by others in the future, a child is hard wired to want to be part of the family unit but if there is a narcissistic parent/s they will bring in the rest of the siblings to keep that child out in the cold. From my personal experience I made a lot of very foolish mistakes - such as marrying a person that my family liked, when my get was screaming "NO", things were okay when we were married but when I left him (another narc) they all turned on me. Cut me out of any inheritance and basically invalidated and ignored me. Now I realise that the last thing I want is to be part of this extremely dysfunctional family. However, it was an very bumpy and emotionally painful journey to get to this point.
Finding out my grandfather died from an aunt who hasn’t spoken to me in 15 years, just so she can get dirt to further her hate towards my mother, who hasn’t been a mother to me was the icing on the cake.
held to a higher standard and never measured up…I feel ya.
I'm the same. My daughter laughed when l nearly fell while helping her carry a heavy chair. They are horrible people her father aswell
I have never in my entire adult life been invited to visit anybody, not family, not friends. It has been 4 years since I had a phone call.
Heartbreaking.
I am very sorry to hear that. I hope you can manage to find some like minded people who will better reciprocate your friendship.
That's very horrible! I'm almost there. Don't hear from the vast majority of relatives on BOTH sides of the family. And the very few I do hear from aren't exactly close. I heard from a few classmates in the early Facebook years but now rarely if ever hear from any of them. Usually when I walk into a bar I feel like the only one who doesn't know people, yet they all know several there/each other.
I do hear from the same very few people but it's the same misfits (as I am). None of them are into the same music and never join me for local acts. So I don't even consider them "friends".
I feel your pain, and I text people and get left on delivered, it made me overthink and realize I’m just annoying, even if I keep the text short and sweet.
So sorry. But, maybe you’re better off.
Be cautious when talking with counselors. Some don't have the skill level and make things worse.
This happens at church all the time. They also do this to abuse victims of sexual abuse and their families while loving the abuser. This is all so sick to behave like this. Sometimes the ostracized or targeted person is actually a nicer person and more talented and is a mirror to them so they scapegoat them. It's like scapegoating.
I'd be hunting me a new church. And Noi southern baptists. Many blessings ya'll for a more peaceful world.
So true, you’re spot on. It can happen in any religious group, work group, or family where abuse and scapegoating of the victim is occurring. We must be aware so we don’t exclude anyone. It’s always easier for families to exclude one victim than a powerful abuser.
JW?
This happens to me by my brother & father. You always walk away feeling like “did I just get insulted”
I was a well-regarded musician in a fairly large city. I pissed off a couple of people with influence, and for about a dozen years I’ve been shunned by most all of my peers and have not been contacted at all by them for work.
Fortunately, not long after all of this started, I realized that this was not really what I wanted to be doing with my life at all. I’m a bit of a recluse, but I quit smoking and feel more grounded than I have been since I was a kid, and ended up in better financial shape than expected.
So good to hear!!
Thanks for sharing your story. I have a similar story & I understand stand the pain that you experienced after being black balled from doing what you love. I was once a well respected professional football coach with a bright future but I got on the bad side of a highly influential legendary coach who I admired and respected & I suffered the same results as you. It’s been 13 years now & I’m finally starting to recover. I still often wake myself up in the middle of the night yelling out plays. It’s always disappointing to realize that I’m dreaming
Wow, that’s rough. I really hope it continues to get better for you this far down the line.
It's a shame that the people we offend with our behaviour don't have feedback skills to inform us, instead they just give up on us as people.
It is so painful to be ostracised. It is not worth to be friends with people who talk behind your back and feel siperior because they know something concerning you, that you do not. Thank you.
This is an amazing video.... As a black person in the UK I have found this happens alot in predominantly white work places. If u mention it u are accused of being sensitive or seeing things that aren't there... But it is a palpable thing, a very deliberate thing within the group and can be torturous when u have to return to the same work place and people day after day.
As a black female engineer who works in construction I have found a very strange phenomenon. The trades men outside ostricise me at first but after a few weeks I am embraced and accepted. However in the all white offices with other engineers or professionals... I am fully accepted at first and then over time, the better I do at the job, I am slowly ostricised, disrespected and treated very badly...they often try to sabotage my work.. Its quite disturbing!!!
Star performers are always bullied/mobbed by insecure co-workers and managers. It's sad, but true.
Sorry to hear about your awful experience with such insecure people. It rings very true. You sound brilliant!!
I would agree with this. I think if your face doesn't fit...... I think also white culture is very much drinking and having banter too and not taking life seriously. I am white but I got ostracised as I didn't fit the parent crowd, I am not a parent. I am also middle aged and the young colleagues never used to invite me out and they always used to hang round each other in the workplace, and I was Other. Also if you are not one of the clever colleagues, you got left out as you didn't earn as much as them. The accountants say would not socialise with the receptionist or postman in the office. To be honest, I didn't have much in common anyway and our values were different so it wasn't easy.
My colleague was ostracized I believe purely because she is black. She sailed in to work all young and casual..spent time on her mobile sneakily but my colleague focused on her, told on her!! This poor girl is so sweet and lovely. She's just young She got promoted and the woman who is old enough to be her Mother was cautioned she could be perceived as racist!!
I’m still in Engineering grad school in the US, but I can definitely say that I see this (and obvs try to combat it) behavior happen with POC and sometimes international students. They’ll routinely get left out of the loop with stuff like nuanced assignment information or events
Apparently I was ostracized from the time I came out of the womb. It seems someone said I looked like my Dad's mom. My own mother was extremely jealous of her and I think that sealed my fate. I was the youngest so when the rest were at school and work and it was just me and my mom she would act like I didn't exist. I would be trying to talk to her and she would just stare straight a head like a zombie til I gave up and left. She never did this when any one else (witnesses) were around. She KNEW what she was doing....
Extremely callous and cunning, but the stealthy ways are typical. Your mother wouldn't be known for what she did to you.
I hope you'll find truer people to connect with!
I feel so sorry for you. When it comes to your own mother, this is cruel!
Try to find another lady of your mother's age or older, who is wise and warm, especially: warm! It helps a lot to have a great relationship with a chosen-mom! Pick a really sweet one who is joyful and 100% glad for you!
"It is never too late to have a happy childhood" Treat your inner child to interesting and constructive experience every day, many times over.
Tips: read aloud from Astrid Lindgren's books, look for swings, go on treasure hunts, marvel at things in all the museums, if you wanted a dollhouse - start one, if you wanted a puppy, find a way for that to happen at least part time, if you didn't get support for your school-work, give it a new start, try to find bean-work that is interesting.
If my ideas aren't what you like, you surely can find happy things to do! Please, do whatever you can to repair the damage you suffered, and do celebrate you father and his kin to the fullest! :-)
She’s a monster
If your mother treats you bad or neglects you or your father or any siblings.
Don't cry or feel unwanted.
Just know that God Loves you.
And It's OK turn your back to them.
And MOVE ON AWAY FROM THEM.
I left an abusive man after 46 years, and was ostracized by my grown children. Those who had known me/him for 30+ years knew the score and were incredibly supportive. They didn't believe any of his outrageous lies, and even attended the court case and testified. To this day, I will never understand why my grown kids didn't even question the crap they were fed. The great heartbreak was losing contact with grandchildren I'd loved for 15 years. Shame on them.
Absolutely the same heartbreaking story! X
What helped me with a similar situation was some research I did on the "Stockholm syndrome".... it really helped me and it might give you some answers as to WHY....🙏
Me too# ( movement) she was a narcissistic creature...spit in my face literally . Slap me .ect.. Verabl abused.....you bet it happens to men... look at Jonny Depp right now......
It's unbelievable pain. I'm going through the same. I'm sorry. I send you my love and strength xx
I'm going through the same thing. My covert narcissistic husband of 30 years has turned two of our adult daughters against me. One of our daughters and her two children live with us so now my husband and my daughter are ganging up ostracizing me and being emotionally and psychologically abusive in my own home!! When I leave this home in marriage I am sure that the two grandchildren I have raised and financially supported for over 7 years are also going to be kept away from me but I leave it all in God's hands 🙏💕 Blessings to you all✨
‼️UPDATE: I left last month n just as I suspected my daughter is being very hateful n she won't let me see my Grandkids anymore 😔💔
What you said at the end about taking a look at the people who are ostracizing you and asking yourself if these are the type of people you really want to be around or to associate with. That is an excellent question. I can only answer for myself but it would be a big “NO”!!! Thank you Darren:)
Agreed, one has nothing in common with them
Yes this happened to my daughter in college and I asked her the same thing. She looked around her and did extremely well by choosing new friends and completely dropping those people. Good lesson to learn at an early age.
Exactly, I totally agree. I just move on and find better people elsewhere. Also working hard, studying, living responsibly, and being a kind person with boundaries makes you fulfilled without them.
This is what happened in my family. They went along with it and I walked away from them. It was very painful. Years latter they wanted to reconnect with me and I wouldn't do it. I didn't trust them.
🙌🏼 Great choice! I did the exact opposite after parting ways for 3 decades and then moving back to the area. Realizing I still could not trust them …. even after living apart from them for all those years…was incredibly eye opening! My husband and I are at total peace after walking away from them 3 years ago.
I went back. Worst mistake of my life
@@MJ-qb5ph Don’t beat yourself up. Many people do the same until they eventually learn the lesson. Also, sometimes you have to go back to learn it was, (as you discovered) the ‘biggest mistake ever”! ♥️🙏🏼
Yep I cut off my entire family and blocked them. Changed my name and left the country. I no longer want to give my time and energy to people that hate me, never appreciated my existence, or doesn’t benefit me. I’m kindhearted and a deeply caring person. People flip a switch and hate the point of wanting to cause my harm for absolutely no reason
@@MJ-qb5ph I can’t even think of them with having a panic attack or dissociating. Even if a song from my childhood I have to change it because I get triggered😢
After the narcissist discarded me she spread poison all throughout the community about me and so sadly, in my synagogue! 😔 Since, I've been ostracized by most everyone in the community and the entire synagogue! It's really hurtful! 😪 Maybe, sometimes I think, this was something that I needed to understand and experience that many of these people were not worthwhile to have relationships with anymore.... it really sucks! 🤮
I completely understand what you have gone through. God Bless you and keep you safe.
@@lloyannehurd 🙏 thank you for sharing! 🌻
I had the same experience from a friend who I met in AA. I'm 23 years sober and never had this experience anywhere. It had become more of a social circle than anything. Nothing is stopping me from going to meetings, but I really see it differently today and my heart isn't in it. Too much hypocricy. The isolation has been an oddly rewarding experience.
@Vashti
I’m thankful you are not totally discouraged. I went through this in a church group. Groups can evolve into something they were not meant to be. Best Wishes and keep up the good work
Been there more than once, exactly they are not worthy at all. Look within and see
I have lived for over 2 decades this way...I have found peace in this obvious abuse....walking through the fire of peoples cruelty is completely possible. I have come through because of my trust and hope in the Love of God which has never forsaken me or let me down. I continue to walk in love and wish peace and good will to all.
Yes and Amen. God gives us the grace! Thanks for your testimony. I fins power though Him in it!
How about just getting away from the group? There are nice people out there, you will be surprised
@@oodleyboo It is not always possible to get away form these people.... when you are the care giver of such people.
@@oodleyboo not easy when they r Ur own family n u still need their help for uni
@@aena5995 they can get obsessed with the fact that we are still dependent. Echonomical abuse. And emotional blackmail are another strong factors. And I completely hate it. The death of one of them could be possibly a great great blessing.
I have 19 years and I still almost can't do anything at all, adding to the "third world" country factor
I’m a young black male who’s never been arrested or anything, I took a job in a mostly white area on the outskirts of town and this happened to me. I quit two months later and went back to my old job in the city making less money, wasn’t worth the headache.
Use the internet by any means to make money ,avoid workplaces.
Thank you for this topic. It seems so childish to be ignored/blanked/made to feel invisible.
My daughter has experienced this at high school. She found it very upsetting. I told her it was their problem. That she is wonderful and that the others were still learning, even if it felt unkind, try not to take it too personally and to enjoy the lovely friends she has.
To think this continues into adulthood is so very sad. We humuns can be so very cruel. 😕
Grown ups can be just as hurtful as children, sad that a lot of humans in this world are immature , and cruel to others. 🙏🙏💙💙🙏🙏💙 best thing to do is to avoid these people but when it's family it's not always easy to avoid them! I've not seen my 4 sisters now for over 10 years because of their negative attitudes and behaviours.💚💚🍀🍀🍁🍁🌈🌈🌷🌷🌹🌹 I'm a lot happier!!!🌻🌻💚💚🍀🍀
Hope shes ok now, ❤
Thank you for this education, Darren. Not enough presenters are talking about this, and apparently it's an absurdly prevalent issue.
Thank you for bringing this form of abuse to attention, it is so important for the good people to be aware of what is going on, so they can avoid the depression and feelings of helplessness and unworthiness. It is tremendously destructive, the stonewalling, the silent treatment, being ignored over and over by others who seek to put others down out of envy and contempt, just so they can feel superior, all without saying a word. I would call self-sabotage another reaction to being ostracized and excluded, holding one's own self development back in order to placate and fit in with the abusers. Oh, but knowledge is power!
So true, here here
Oh so perfect wordage! It truly is an uncomfortable feeling trying to be less or a nothing so you can make them happy. Or so they will not pick on you.
I've done that with my mom. I don't dress nice in front of her now. I dress down and cover with a dull sweater... cover, cover.
She has bit into me before, no holding back. One time, years ago, before I learned to be dull and cover.... I had a nice black dress for a Christmas party and she looks at me.
I can see her trying to hide her disgust for me. Jealous, who knows? It's just weird competition coming from, why? Wha? Your mom? Weird!
Mind you, I don't dress flashy or sleazy either. I'm a decent dresser. So anyway, she says,
"oh, Kim, what's wrong with you? You are so skinny. You look sickly."
Wow, mom. I look sickly. Thanks for the compliment and encouragement.(I was also a healthy weight too, of course.) Just her being weird and mean.
Seriously my mom said the same thing..looked like I had cancer! Wow! To top it off I was grieving a death. Just don't know y mom would say such a thing. Don't say anything!
I have autism and you just described my family as well as friend groups that befriended me before I turned 18. Unsurprising since it is known that friend groups we pick before we heal will usually mirror and mimic the same dynamics from our family and early childhood. Ostracization was the main (but not only) form of abuse these people subjected me to my whole life including as a child and by the end I had *no self esteem left* dude. I ended up developing severe Anthropophobia when I was 17 and have absolutely no relationships left in my life its just me I am literally afraid of even forming acquaintances with people any more. The amazing thing is isolating myself turned out to be the best thing ever and I realized how blissful life can be when I'm all by myself despite having autism and needing support. Its just me now and this is how it'll be for life I think. 🙂
Hi thanks for sharing. I also have Autism. Im 1 of 9 children being the 2nd to last, ( and also to Dads 2nd marriage). Ive had to Pull away/grey rock/nevr again. Worst family siblingship ever!!!! Im now nearly 1 year free from them..Wow im now finally feeling myself and im 48 yr old..Its taken too long to see the damage thry did..Im now mentaly FREE🥰
@@a.bielski ugh i feel you. 😩 Very happy to see someone else has found freedom too, cheers to us. 🥂
Hello, nerissa. This is to let you know that I, as a fellow Autistic, totally relate to your post. Please be reassured of my support and prayers for your continued healing.
Unfortunately, it is disturbing to find that we (as people with Autism) are the tip of the proverbial iceberg when it comes to suffering physical, emotional and mental abuse at the hands of narcissists. It's horrifying, isn't it?
When they see us, they behave like the cat that's got the mouse (and cats play with mice before they eventually kill them). I know because I've suffered, too, at their claws (I wouldn't call them hands) and I've ended up with cPTSD and other things besides.
Although I have help now, I still have trust issues with humanity.
@@a.bielski It is a great relief when you can recognise what's been happening and why then you can truly heal away from their toxic bubble. Peace and All Good.
@@SuperGingernutz yes this was exactly my experience. It was not just my inner circle, abuse was just another day in my life for me from most people that I crossed paths with,; not just the narcissts even "normal people" treated me badly. This was especially since I was diagnosed as a teen not as a child so I didn't even have the diagnosis to protect me or show that I needed support I was just constantly belittled, called stupid/weird, excluded, disrespected, bullied and essentially treated like dirt. People would initially try to lure me into friendships by being "kind" to me and then as soon as I would get attached and they knew I wouldn't leave, the abuse would begin. Since I was the scapegoat child when I was little and was blamed for anything and everything, I used to think I was the problem and that's why people treated me badly. I don't wish the life I've lived on even hardened criminals.
My family is full of narcs, they are always going places without inviting me and other forms of ignoring my existence. The way I feel with it is to go grey rock and in one case no contact, I dont need them really.
It is a horrible feeling
@@beaulieuc8910 Well done. Would you recommend your favourite person to spend time with people who would ostracise someone?
This is horrible and often happens in the workplace. I remember working a lone a lot in my office and people only spoke to me when they needed some stationary, yet my previous colleague, they were all over him and chatting a lot. I was not invited to the Christmas Party either. When they only want a conversation when they need something only, that is a red flag. My neighbours only speak to me when they have to 'uk
Cinderella knew this scenario well.
Dolores J. Rush,You are beautiful,Hope you are not with a narcissist.....
This has happened to me constantly in my life since childhood. One problem is my family moved around a lot and no one likes the new kid in school. I was always the nerd no one included in anything. Even in my adulthood this has happened. At work everyone at the lunch table was talking about going out somewhere after work to say goodbye to an employee who was leaving the job. They were talking in front of me, asking others to go, but no one asked me. So, I have learned that I prefer to stay by myself and alone. I like things quiet and I prefer my own company. At least I know I am not going to mistreat myself. Any time you are around other people you run the risk of getting hurt. It’s better to stay alone and not risk being around other people. They will disappoint you and hurt you every time.
Yes, I had that all my life and I don't understand why. i never went to outside work functions
I can relate. It's heartbreaking 💔
The toxic ex and parents ostracised me from the whole family. No one asks what happened to me years later.. they only listen to the narcissistic narrative
Me too its so abusive
I cannot explain how difficult workplace ostracism is. It only will make you sound so childish if you complain of it, like: I am angry because no one invited me for coffee in the break, or so and so. I cannot stress enough how damaging the impact is. Your words are so so relieving, I had doubts at the start about if I was over sensitive, or if I was a very faulty person and have loss of insight because all those people cannot be wrong. I was highly skilled, highly paid, the best looking lady in my workplace, and I was so so darkly ostracised by my female manager and every female in my team, I was thrown out and left to look like nobody, though I had everything they lacked, and I tried everything, I even lowered my standards to fit in, I spoke their simple language, I tried to show less intelligence, tried to care for them genuinely, I went out of my way but I only lost myself, only remembered that those people are just not even my type, and the only thing that I need to do is be myself and let them continue to burn in their envy. They needed to be a big fat group to survive, I was walking alone, working alone, eating alone, I was alone simply because I was better than that honestly. I really wish anyone who experiences ostracism to find their light and insight about who truly they are, and to hold on even harder to their unique selves.
EMITLLEW4745, I experienced the exact same thing over and over with catty women. I do not consider myself anything special but I am tall and slim and my coworkers are all overweight and always talk about their weight issues. I think everyone is beautiful in their own way and I am sick to death of women hating others and erasing them because of their own issues. Sick to death of this! Stay strong and yes believe in yourself and shine that inner light! God bless!
5:15. Focusing on someone's reaction instead of what cause the reaction. 100 percent accurate! Guy punches another in the face, and accuses him of over reacting by defending himself.
I have suffered thru this for many years, It started as a form of my sexual abusers protecting themselves and their standing in society and has grown so much to be seen ok to do to me by generations of family. Therefore all their people also. It got so bad that I started to drink alcohol to excess, hoping it would kill me, it didnt. So now I just ostracise everyone before they have a chance of doing it to me. ( I gave up drinking to excess - it wasnt achieving what I thought it would) . Family members continue in their self righteous weirdness but I just dont care anymore. Their narrative is not the truth. I have learnt that they are missing out on a pretty amasing person. So they are really just abusing themselves now.
Wow! That is amazing, how you see that your abusers have abused themselves by missing out on YOU. I love that!!! Im going to try to see it like that for me, too. How powerful and beautiful you are!!!
@@noelwest9556 You are amasing, powerful and beautiful too. Know you, you deserve it.
This is what parental alienation is!!!
I'm in tears. I KNEW this was happening to me and I also knew why, but I didn't know it had a name. I tried to tell other people in order to reach out for help, but I always failed to explain. I was bullied at work this way for years but was fine, because I had support from my supervisor and some good colleagues with whom we collaborated well... But the real hell began when they got rid of all of them and I was the only one left. I am able to stand up for myself, but being silently told am worth less than nothing has had a huge impact on me - not because I'd believe it but because these people made sure to defame me and make me "disappear" inside my work circle (it's a very specific field of work that I do, so it's a small circle of people, all are connected). But the hardest thing for me is I can't really tell anyone because there is so little obvious things to tell. It's like I have my hands and feet tied together and threatened with a knife under the table, but people outside of this can only see my smiling face.
A ever jealous “friend” started doing this to me. Strangely enough I was never really aware of it. She actually came to see me to ask forgiveness and told me she purposely ignored everything I ever said. The fact someone could do something so mean or perverse really shocked me.
I grew up like this-allowed by my mother from my siblings. As an adult, my sister and my sister-in-law would whisper together like "mean girls" and ignore me. Needless to say, they are all out of my life. Thank you for this teaching.
You deserve better!!
It's so juvenile. These adults are stuck with the emotional development of children. What a ridiculous way to go through life.
My ex would do that with his young daughter from his first marriage. Whenever he had his kids for the weekend (daughter and son), he treated her like she was the girlfriend and I was the Intruder. He was a really sick individual, he wanted me (21 at the time) to compete with his 8 year old daughter!😢
@@alipainting ikr my mother does this these ppl r stunted mentally how can someone treat some almost 30 years younger then then like this
Thank you for exploring this. I was discreetly manipulated, minimized and ostracized in a longtime friend group which I recently walked away from. Some people were worthy of certain invitations and privileges, I often was not. The ring leader's message to the group was clear. The pandemic gave me time and reflection without the group and I realized I was better off without them. I finally realized I deserve more and would never get it. Enablers are people that often give the benefit of the doubt, this is a perfect example of how exclusion becomes a vicious cycle of the outsider conforming a little more to make the cut each time they are excluded...
As a teenager I was ostracized in youth group. The youth leader and my "friends" were all in on it. They'd constantly talk over me and ignore me when I tried to contribute. When I called the leader out on it she told me they couldn't include me because they were only human and that I was holding them to impossible standards. She was a malignant narcissist, as I realized much later.
Bullies
Yup.
It’s a cowards way of being an abuser and a bully. I’ve had to tolerate this on multiple occasions and it really hurts the spirit. Feels a lot like gas lighting.
I've experienced this many times throughout my life 🙄
I've was abused like this by a girl at high school. It's something that has followed me all my life.
This is happening at my job! A new owner took over and she is completely leaving me out of everything. She took the crew on a trip to the city and didn’t invite me because she said she had no room for me. I am constantly hearing about there outings and never an invite. Today on our company’s instagram page she did a shout out to all of the employees and left my name out. I am starting to get the cold shoulder from a few of the employees who are really close to her and soon to be my manager. I love my job so much and don’t want to leave it but this is breaking me down pretty bad and the self esteem I once had is gone. Thank you for this video it has really opened my eyes into what I am dealing with. 😢
My immediate family has been doing this to me for over a decade, and I never knew what it was called. It started with having separate Christmas celebrations, one when I was invited and another when I wasn't. My mother, her husband, my sister, her husband, and my school age niece and nephew began to go and still do go on vacations throughout the year and I'm never invited. My mother lives near me. My sister lives 13 hours away, so I rarely get to spend time with her children. (At one point several years ago, I was allowed to visit my sister while my mother was visiting. My mother would always do something that upset or hurt me and when I stood up for myself, my sister just assumed I was making trouble. I visited without my mother, and my sister was so verbally abusive, I never returned). So, presently, we talk regularly like everything is normal, but when it comes time to take a trip, I am ALWAYS left out. Their excuses include, "Oh we didn't think you could afford it" or "We figured you'd be working" or "You didn't really want to go, did you?" The latest was recently inviting me on a local island excursion (my sister and family were visiting my mom), about an hour away, then not including me in their plans. When I went to purchase my ticket online, that day's tickets were sold out. Of course, they had already bought online tickets for themselves and my mother without letting me know what was going on. I got the usual "Omg I'm SO sorry!" from my sister. I sensed from the start that "something" would go awry and I would end up not going for whatever reason. Then 2 days ago, my mother offered to take me on a Florida vacation for my birthday "just she and I". All this behavior is senseless bizarre abuse, and at least I can define it now. I always said I would put up with it so I could have a relationship with my niece and nephew, but I have neither a relationship with them, nor would it be worth my suffering. My mother ostracized many family members from my childhood, and I knew it was senseless. When I became an adult, I had the freedom to attempt to forge relationships with these people. Some were successful. Some were not. My niece and nephew will also have this freedom of choice, but I am discarding all expectations. It is the only way I will be able to move on with my life. I refuse to carry these guilty and shameful feelings that are totally unfounded. I have done nothing and there is nothing wrong with me that I should deserve this. My mother is evil. It really really hurts right now.
Sounds almost identical to my own situation. Thank you for sharing and giving me some peace that I am not alone in this. Wishing you strength and peace in your journey as you move beyond the abuse.
@@jtg1465 Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read my story.
Don't count on neices nephews or their children to come your way. I've been ostracized from my aged mother and 3 sisters and their families since the death of my father. It's like I died with him. I helped raise my 2 oldest niece and nephew they too cut me off in social media, cards and phone. They have children now I've never met. My mother is 92 and doesn't want me to visit help or phone. I'm the only health care person in the family, but my school teacher sister knows everything and all moms health needs are kept secret from me. I expect nothing from them, and I'm not disappointed. It is frustrating to not even know what I supposedly did to deserve this. So now when I am the patient I say no I have no next of kin.
I feel so awful for you because I know exactly how you feel. My mother and 4 siblings have being doing this to me for a few years now. It hurts like hell, it doesn't make any sense and you're left feeling like you must be the most horrible person ever if they can do this to you, you must deserve it somehow you think. But we don't and we never did. It's abuse, clear and simple!! We don't understand it because we would NEVER do that to them or anybody else, thats what's confusing and hurtful. Stay away from them, find a new family. Don't look back. These assholes don't deserve you. They are jealous of your empathetic and kind nature and probably lots of other things. And always remember, the best revenge is a life well lived.
@@joywebster2678 I'm also in healthcare. My mother asks for health advice then says "Oh you're probably right." Probably. My dad has done this my whole life, ask for advice never to take it. NEVER. They ask for information, not for the info itself, just as an opportunity to invalidate me. Sick. And I'm not holding my breath for a relationship with my niece and nephew. For emergency contacts, I put my best friend.
Thank you for this video! I too have experienced this numerous times, and have been surrounded by narcs since birth! :( My ex narc turned my kids against me. (Parental Alienation Syndrome.) It’s like I never had kids. :(
I can relate
Oh but we know we did have them and gave and gave and gave. It almost killed me to feel the pain af their abuse and not sharing life with the Grandkids. 3yrs later of education on this, I now plan something fun for me on all the Holidays. It feels SOOOO much better. I LOOK for HAPPY, and I Find HAPPY! Sorry we went through this. Thought I was alone in this for a long time. I have 2 choices. I choose 😊
Being OSTRACIZED, especially by FAMILY, ANYONE; DOES LEAVE BRUISES; although they TOO are physically INVISIBLE!
Bruises of the HEART; that leaves one with a WOUNDED SPIRIT. And "A WOUNDED SPIRIT WHO CAN BEAR"?🤔
For it is the VERY SPIRIT of a man that gives them HOPE that SUSTAINS THEM through this LIFE!
With an UNHEALTHY SPIRIT, what HOPE is there?🤔
I AGREE 100 PERCENT with YOU!! THIS IS THE VERY WORSE OF ALL ABUSES.
THANK YOU SIR ......... 🙂!
Ostracisation has had a huge effect on my self esteem. Sorry about the terrible spelling it is not an easy word. Yes, you are right they enable this behaviour saying they hadn't been 'verbally rude' and that they are not here to make friends. Thanks for highlighting this silent abuse, it makes me feel heard, It is weird as this also happens in supermarket queues you are waiting for ages and the shop assistant is deliberately ignoring you and chatting to friends at work. I remember when I left the workplace and you saw them on the street, they would deliberately ignore you.It happens such a lot. I bet if I was a 'bubbly woman' then I would perhaps fit more. Yes, you are right when you talk to them, they don't really respond normally. Lots of red flags and interesting to see how it plays over time. Very good video
Thank you, Darren! I needed this. I’ve been alienated from my family for 4 years now because I spoke out against the narcissists and pushed back against abuse. Telling mother “no” is against the rules and if you do you can expect it will rain down hell on you. It’s been raining for a long while now, but I’m doing ok with friends who support me and in-laws that care. Your find your content to be very helpful!
Excellent, Janet! Glad you have a network of supportive and loving people in your life. I experienced the same with my mom and siblings and pretty much parted ways with them before my mom passed away 25+ years ago. It’s not easy being the target but if you stick with the winners who love you and steer clear of the narcissists, it does get better. Your happiness gets better. You get better. Relationships get better, and your entire life gets better.
Where ostricising is concerned, I feel they've done us a favor. But yes it can be painful if you're not mature enough to understand it.
But again your explanation is so very concise and accurate. "Look at their character ..." Thank you. 🌹
I really needed to come back here and share something that deeply resonates with what you said about helplessness and wanting to give up.
I was going through a box of paperwork I had in storage from 30 years ago and came across a copy of a letter I wrote to my priest. I was at wits ends with my family who tormented me for years and almost ready to give up! I was obviously crying when I wrote that letter and heart stricken with grief and hopelessness. In that letter, I thanked my priest for taking the time to listen to me ten years earlier and for his wisdom and encouragement to forgive them. He encouraged me to forgive them and emphasized that if I did not … I would one day become as bitter and hateful as they were themselves.
Just the mere notion of becoming a bitter jealous and hateful person was frightening enough. I never wanted to become like that, so I practiced daily by praying for healing, gratitude and forgiveness. I got into therapy; created distance and severed my relationships with ‘toxic’ people. I searched and found material that would help me to evolve and move forward. That was 32 years ago!
If anyone else is reading this, know there is HOPE! I am living proof! I married my childhood sweetheart 7 years ago and wouldn’t change a single thing…not even the lost years between us. We needed those years apart to grow and become healthier in our relationships and in life. Had we gotten married any sooner or in our younger years…the NP’s in my family would’ve destroyed us. I’m so glad I found this channel!
Be HOPEFUL and be good to yourselves. Never surrender your joy to the NP’s and never let them take that from you.
Thank you for this!
Thank you for these videos. They make me feel sane. I am excluded from all family group gatherings, except for Christmas. Then they think I should show up loaded with presents for them.
I have asked my sisters why they don't invite me. Older one pretends she didn't think if it. Younger one says, "Well, so-and-so invited me and maybe she didn't want you to go."
I don't know how to let go of people who don't really care for me. We all live on land our parents bought and left to us. So I am surrounded. They lie. And I never know who's telling the truth.
Older sister calls on me to take her places while her daughter and grandson are right there to help her. I am scared. None of them offer me anything, and I feel like I'll just fade away. I'm kinda having a breakdown.
When someone acts like I am an object to be ignored and disrespected then I take the hint and leave the relationship. It makes no sense to try to repair a relationship when the person who is ignoring us is doing it on purpose to punish, people like this cannot reason and don't care to repair. They usually use our attempts to resolve things to further abuse.
For months My ex ostracized our depressed son, (this was 9 months after his 1/2 brother died). My son told me he couldn’t handle the pain of being ignored by his dad. Passing each other on the street his father wouldn’t even say hello. I encouraged him to move to live with me, but that didn’t happen. I blame my ex for my kid’s suicide.
Janet, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. I suffered a suicide in my family as well. There are no words to soften that devastation. My heart goes out to you. ❤️
That's so sad 😞 😥 sorry for your loss. Prayers for you!!
I’m so sorry 😞 so so sorry 😢
@@lacecurtainirish I’m sorry to hear that u have went Thru this as well. 🥲 I share the story to point out that not everyone can handle being ignored or being ostracized. Thank u 🌸🌺🌸
@@b52270 Thank U…🌷🌸🌷I’m having a hard time w/ my son’s death right now, but it’ll get easier.
My in laws did this to me. I didn't know what it was called but I would always end up crying when I left and I never knew why I was treated differently.
This video helped me understand what I experienced with my friends long time ago. They created drama after drama, behaved so immaturely, acting like high school students. It's all about control. Thank you so much for sharing !
Nobody is obligated to interact with somebody and nobody is entitled to have a specific person or group of people interact with them.
Why is this WHOLE comment misunderstand this.
And alot of these people would support no fault divorce
Happened to me and my husband with his family. Our politics and views on Covid differed from theirs. They made it quite clear that NO ONE will be tolerated who thinks differently than them. I'm ok being ostracized, but I do feel bad for my husband. It is his family after all.
I cannot thank you enough. You have finally given me words of understanding for the underhanded, devious, destructive behavior I have been the unfortunate target of in the workplace. I have always hated working in the office in a field that is a female majority environment but could never quite put my finger on why. The immaturity is BLATANTLY cruel but management usually gives up trying to change the mindset of the core group doing the bullying. Its too hard to replace the staff.
And I am so used to being ostracized and excluded that I haven’t even thought of this word. I lashed out at my son’s gf for supporting the narcissistic abuser, and now that son won’t talk to me. Why don’t they take in account that I lashed out because of hurt. They don’t have to do any introspection themselves.
They just show their jealousy towards you by doing this! Very insidious!!
They feel threatened just by your existence so they use tactics to bring you down & cast a bad light to others about you!
Very passive aggressive behavior that they use!
They need our prayers!
God knows who else they treat this way!
Thank you for your knowledge in educating others! God bless you!🙏😊
I’m really glad I found this, you described exactly what some of my family members do. And it’s happened so often that I’m to the point I don’t care anymore.Your last statement, do I even want these people in my life? No I don’t -in fact my life has been a lot more peaceful without them. Thank you for this video.
It kind of feels like when you get picked last for a team but you didn’t get picked you were put into the team so both sides have even numbers
That happened to me a lot when I was a kid as I was not remotely competitive and hopelessly uncoordinated at ball sports. However this description of it as ‘abuse’ doesn’t sit well for me. Surely a person who is competitive and wants to win has a right to choose their team for the best chances? The abuse in my mind was making me participate, and forcing me upon others, when I didn’t like it either and knew I would let the side down. ‘Everyone gets a prize’ is really patronising, having been that kid. It’s no prize to know people want to really win, expect you to fail, and subsequently resent you for being there.
I was also always the kid that missed out; if their were nine bits of cake I was always the tenth child. Could this be held up as abuse too? I really don’t think so.
In both those cases I don’t think I was ‘abused’.
I think that ostracism can be a deliberate abuse, just reading the comments about families doing it is a pretty horrible way to treat someone if it’s solely to hurt them, but it’s not always the case.
I think intent really matters here.
Sometimes we have very valid reasons for removing people from our lives.
If you are not connected to the person/group; it can be just an incidental happening that (in my case) was just my experience growing up, because I was a factor in it happening and we always have a personal effect. If I really wanted to be included in teams, for example, I could have practised. I wasn’t disabled or being ostracised for a reason I couldn’t change; and I think people have the right to choose who they put on their team, and on a wider scale who they want to be friends with.
If I wanted to be one of the nine cake eaters when I was a kid, I could have done what I perceived them as doing and pushed for a spot at the head of the queue. However missing out was often my lot simply because I had good manners and not much confidence. I always shared, I expected others to think that way to, and frankly most people prioritise self, then their best homies, and the rest can sort themselves out. It took a while to learn that, and to have the confidence to say ‘what about me?’.
I know ostracism is a real tactic used by bullies- I had it happen to me as a child, when a new girl infiltrated our gang of three friends and gradually worked on excluding me by turning them against me.
But put the shoe on the other foot. Suppose you have a friend/lover/family member who you were real close with once, who does something to you that is completely crossing a line-say they are a narcissist, or have been lying to you, betraying you, or crossing some important moralistic value that you just cannot abide. For example someone in the role of an animal rescuer because they get reinforced for being seen as the earth angel; then one day behind a closed door you find them cruelly abusing or deliberately neglecting an animal in their care. That would be crossing a line for me, because cruelty is unconscionable to my mind and hypocrisy a close second.
I also have an abusive, controlling violent ex that I now personally totally ‘ostracise’- even looking at that crazy scary person makes me feel sick. I am completely within my rights to protect myself from him via distancing, excluding, and calling the cops if he approaches me.
If we assume ostracism is abuse, are we not giving them an extra weapon to use- to cry abuse by exclusion, and force their presence upon us?
I can think of two really good examples how this could backfire and suddenly you’re the abuser.
The first is in following the evidence in the Depp defamation trial. If Amber Heard could claim she is being abused via ostracism by Johnny Depp (or any abuse victim) as he’s running from her, avoiding her presence when she is getting physical, and hiding behind a closed door, would that justify her slamming the door into his head and then hitting him in the face as she pushes in? After all, she’s being ostracised when she’s like that, right?
The second example is also controversial, being the whole vaccine for covid thing.
I know a truly lovely lady who is deeply convinced the vaccine is worse than the virus, and is an active protester against it, using her voice and social media to spread all the propaganda she herself believes.
She also refuses to wear a mask or socially distance, because ‘freedom’, and actually minimises and discounts the suffering and even deaths of people she knows who have caught covid.
As a result of her unvaccinated status and refusal to mask/distance/do anything that might stop infection, her own children have excluded her from indoor family gatherings, she sees her grandchildren only outdoors at agreed times, and isn’t allowed close physical contact while there is a pandemic.
She already believes this is because she is being punished for her views (if you ask her it’s a difference in opinion causing it and not being allowed a different opinion) and she is now saying she is a social leper in her own family. She cannot see their point at all.
However that’s not really the case. They still love her, her family are not ostracising her because they want to punish or abuse her for her opinions, they are doing it because their beliefs are that she is at far greater risk of both catching and spreading covid because of her choices, and they want to protect her and the young unvaccinated children from giving each other a potentially fatal disease while we are in the grips of a global pandemic that is a factor in killing one out of a hundred people infected.
Does her ‘abuse’ by ostracism outweigh the safety reasons her family have?
In her case it’s temporary (until the pandemic is resolved) and from her family pov it’s a purely preventative prophylactic to protect those unvaccinated within their group.
There are already thousands of unvaccinated people claiming they are being ostracised/excluded for nefarious reasons; when the intent is simply a temporary public health measure. Even if you yourself are not scared of the virus, you would still be gambling with other people’s lives as well as your own by not taking every precaution during a pandemic. So this adds fuel to the fire of self pity and separates people even more.
I’m not going to argue the right and wrong of it. I just think that there can be a lot of valid reasons that are not ‘abuse’ to not want to acknowledge or accept someone into your personal space, onto your team, into your home or whatever.
I feel so much shame and this being ostracized is the a big culprit. I was sexually abused by my dad, mentally and physically abused by my brother, ostracized by both my brothers for my whole adult life, I think my husband of about 20 years has borderline personality disorder and is a devaluing, verbally abusive alcoholic, and my son married a narcissist 10 years older than him, and I’m on my second round of getting the silent treatment, while the rest of my sons are sucked into her orbit and now no one is talking to their own mother-me!
I'm autistic and this describes every job I ever had. I don't work any more.
I've noticed that Narcissists and Abusers only abuse a specific type of people but never tend to abuse others. People who complain about abuse are almost the same sensitive, agreeable, and usually shy, or scared of others,...
Working in laboratories in hospitals it happened regularly. ALL of the social events were geared around the nurses. Since respiratory therapists put in time ON the floor they were sometimes they included even janitors or lower educated personnel that were caring for patients but were not nurses. But it was extremely rare anyone thought about the lab or called to let us know it was going on or invite us. ESPECIALLY 3-11 shift where there might be only one or two of us. I have a Bachelors degree and was always called "the lab girl."
Sorry to hear this. I'm an RN and in my experience, nurses are some of the meanest, most personality disordered, catty people you will ever meet. You should see how they treat each other. I cannot stand it. Be glad you weren't invited LOL
OMG I am currently experiencing this at my work place! Didn't even realise there's a word for this and certainly unaware of the impact it has had on me thank you for this video. What a cowardly way of bullying someone X
please get another job!!
It is a form of workplace harassment. It needs to be brought to the attention of human resources.
@@annekerotterdam7499 thanks for the encouragement, I have now left that toxic environment on Friday X
@@alipainting Of course, but the 'point' is : you can't prove workplace harassment by narcissists .
@@sarazee314 Listen to your own intuition. Your life!
This has been my life and my sisters. We were the last two of eight children. We were excluded from everything from the beginning and still are even though we are in our 60’s. The other six and our mother ignored us and didn’t invite us to family parties. Our dad always made sure we were a part but dads on those days left most things up to the mother. It has been very very hurtful to both of us. Neither of us has ever had a friend because we are very introverted and shy. The other six don’t see it. They just think we’re not worth seeing or inviting or going to our events (our kids weddings, wedding and baby showers, retirement parties…). My sister and I have lived a good life but we still cry and wonder why we were not good enough for them.
This is my mothers all time favorite tactic. Thank you for identifying this behavior as a form of abuse
Do you watch any videos on narcissism? Surviving Narcissism UA-cam channel is good. Dr Ramani is good too.
A golden quote I remember hearing is: "If you encounter a couple assholes, you're probably not an asshole; if you've encountered a million assholes, YOU'RE probably the asshole"
Ostracism is a very important thing that has effected humans since our existence's beginning and there are examples of it everywhere, sadly.
Though I think one should be unafraid to examine themselves and know for sure that their actions are not making others think they are an asshole.
If one can talk to a psychologist who can aid them in this self examination or they are sure that they are not a jerk based on the genuine, and loving relationships they have with others then indeed the group that is ostracising them will most likely be the ones who are jerks after all.
Thanks for this video.
One thing that has stopped surprising me is that when topics like this are brought up it NEVER includes the one group ostracized and forgotten are unhoused people.
There is evidence from Dr. Susan Fiske about the prejudice against unhoused people but somehow professionals can't or won't avail themselves of that information. Brian Levin has written extensively about hate crimes against unhoused people but it is ignored.
What's up with this professional ostracizism???
You make a very compelling point. In a perfect world I wish we would have no unsheltered people.
@@bookbeing Thank you for recognizing the legitimacy of what I'm saying.
It's not a perfect world and yet there is support and accurate information ( from progressives) on LGBTQ, racism etc. Yet "progressives" can't bring themselves to actually research the truth about homelessness and work to eliminate it, then call us names because we don't get behind *their* causes.
So, please look up quotes of Dr Susan Fiske on the prejudice against unhoused people, correct others saying the ridiculous figure of half a million unhoused people when the department of Education said there were 1.65 million homeless school children in 2012 and there is a shortage of over 7 million units of low-income housing! Anyone who actually gives a damn can do that math ...there are millions of us.
And here's another fun fact:. At least half of unhoused people who drink began doing so AFTER becoming unhoused! And get off the prejudicial junk that we're all "mentally ill". The actual rate is very little different from the rest of the population. Also, there is a fine graph based on the research of Dr Susan Fiske that shows at a glance how bad the prejudice is.
Please do your part and pass on that little bit of information. It would help tremendously if people looked at us as human beings.
Thank you!!!🤙💐
@@auntiebobbolink i will. You bring up some really serious questions that no one's really brave enough to step up to the plate to actually address. All of the codes and rules and zoning laws put in place by cities make it so hard to build affordable housing too. In an ideal world you could buy a small piece of land, and build bit by bit as you can afford it instead of being slave sending most of your working wages to keep some loan servicing company from foreclosing and forcing you out of your home. Our system is poisonous right now. I tried to get permission to create a co op with affordable low cost housing on several acres in an unincorporated area of l.a. county and the red tape to do anything was insane. I needed to spend almost 1k permit fee just to have a garden there! They wouldn't even let me park my own car on a lot i "owned" and payed property taxes on every year! Policies like these keep unsheltered needlessly out in the cold. Best wishes to you. I will do all i can to speak up. I tried to help a few unhoused people, but the code and zoning enforcements made building something that i could afford, without taking out a bunch of expensive loans that would shackle me in debts, was impossible! If there was a way i will step up. We need someone in charge of the rules on your side.
I do not want to be friends with the people who have been excluding me for years now and those people who have ostracised me include my family members, alleged friends, colleagues and even business clients. The extent to which it has been going on combined with stalking is mind-bending. Narcisistic people use ostracism very often and that makes the abuse so evil, those people aim at breaking your spirit not your heart. Those are evil-driven practices. Thank you Darren. God bless you❤
How is leaving you alona an evil thing
Impeccable timing for this video. The work environment scenario hits too close to home. Wow. I'm literally leaving the area of the department to work alone for my peace/sanity.
Oh yes, the workplace is riddled with this. Good that you can leave
I face this at both work and home daily. I dont worry about it and keep mostly to myself. I am at peace. Thanks you for explaining.
I’ve absolutely experienced this with my husbands family. They were very obvious, and after a particularly awkward/ rude weird Christmas,I just decided to shut them all down. That’s it, I’m done with the moneygrubbers. I provided no reason and have never felt better.
I’ve also experienced a much slower and insidious way with our supposed lifelong friends.( they went to school with my husband) I’ve been physically blocked from a circle in conversation, not invited/ included in group chats and generally talked about right in front of me. Shoulda seen their faces when I asked ( from outside the lil group ) who exactly are they referring to. Basically I invited myself to a couple of 21sts/ 18ths to say goodbye to the kids. Quite a difficult thing to do as we were all in the same suburb at that point.
Throughout my dark night of the soul I finally turned the spotlight on each and everyone of the family,friends ( a number of whom I carry family destroying secrets for…… or used to) and just came to the conclusion these weren’t my people/ tribe and just walked away from their microscopic/ incestuos existence. We’ve moved house and jobs . I am unbelievably lighter for this. Hard work getting here, but just wow. I’ve reconnected with my school mates and those I choose to associate with.( those I actually have things in common with)
No social media so the kids can no longer hack any type of account( even after me deleting them) . I maintain contact now through texts or emails,again so much lighter and regained so much time wasted on social media getting caught up in opinions.
It’s pretty upsetting the level of harassment I have experienced. Severe criminal abuse for no reason at all. It’s really weird!
Sometimes it feels much better to be alone. It’s possible to be alone is not lonely on some levels. Maybe that’s because I’m an artist and writer, but it also means I can choose much better “family” and friends who are supportive. It’s much more peaceful here in Texas since telling my MIL I won’t see her. And dispite her manipulation my husband supports me. It’s been a terrible process, but we faced the iceberg to use your analogy. Thanks again for all the help your give to many!
It happens a lot in girls' schools but nobody ever talks about it.
After going through an abusive relationship, we tend to feel so alone, but finding other women who have experienced the same thing you have, can be very comforting.
💙UA-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
This is what Ex did. He would charm everyone around him, including the children, to the point of fawning over them, whilst deliberately ignoring or showing contempt for me.
Every workplace mainly full of women, I have been the target of one or a few. I quit every one of those and ended up Working alone running my own business. It was pure joy and happiness. Just me and my clients and i was treated like gold!
Thank you. Could you look at family mobbing and in particular scapegoats. Also the lifelong effect of poor boundaries in relation to that experience
Family mobbing of the scapegoat. I'm dealing with this
When i first moved in I was friendly and interacted with the other tenants but I soon found out that they were a lot of malicious gossips and troublemakers. I decided to keep to myself and I do what you are describing, not because I want to be abusive but to protect myself from abuse. If you speak to them they will take it as a cue to ask more and more personal question to get in your business and then spread your business all over the building. If you dont speak to them they will leave you alone. Yes we are social beings but we don't have to socialize with every nosy busybody. Im going in and out of the building minding my own business not looking to make friends.
Absolutely. Human nature is treacherous. It is not kind as we like to pat ourselves on the back. Look at politics, and world history. Look at families. We glorify ourselves in the name of the lord and god. So go ahead and attack this comment. Afterward, mellow out with a cocktail and think about what you just read without being reactionary. Then study world religion and philosophy. 😍😍😍
On the subject of exclusion/ostracism, I'd be interested in a video on people who have AvPD. I was married to someone with what I believe to be AvPD (undiagnosed) and it was a torture of avoidance. Minimal interaction, no sense of intimacy, no affection, no affect for that matter. It was liking being alone but sharing a domicile with that person. After the divorce, living by myself was a relief... an absolute joy by comparison. Thanks.
This happened to me by my own immediate family. I was in a narcissistic, toxic, alcoholic household. My siblings ostracization was the most hurtful.
Yes it often occurs in dysfunctional families where 'roles' are assigned. It's happening in mine now. I've gone low contact. The problem is theirs not mine.
WONDERFUL VIDEO ! For starters, I'd like to say how much this goes on in online groups -- especially so-called "Spiritual" groups. A newcomer may arrive with warm welcomes, for example, but his attempts to contribute to the group are not acknowledged by the members or even down right ignored. The insidious thing about it is when the (group leader) comments or acknowledges the new comer's remarks, those same people who previously ignored the newcomer often chime in with this apparent support -- not to enhance the newcomer's comments -- but rather to gain favorable attention from the group leader !
Amazing. New insight for me. Be who you are and apologize to no one. Keep your spirituality to yourself. It is sacred to you. The other people may be making a show of it for validation. People need approval. Be strong. I don’t think you do. Continue on your path. 🥰
I used to attend an ADHD support group and the leader himself was the ostracizer. It felt AWFUL the way he treated me, but I persisted because I really needed the help, and some group members were positive about my contributions. Only after seeing him do the same thing repeatedly to any new member who had knowledge and helpful tips about ADHD did I realize it was all about his ego. People LOOKING for tips or sharing struggles were okay, but god forbid we all be helped by information if it didn't come from him. So gross!
Thank you for this!! A former friend was doing this to me and when she created a group chat with all the people we both knew but I hung out with more..She brought in her flying monkeys and they kept planning events and ignored my value or take credit for the ideas I had shared… So I removed myself from them and do more Selfcare to protect my self esteem!!
Thank you so much for covering ostracism as a form of emotional narcissistic abuse! Having experienced it for years from my father, mother, sister and other unhealthy friendships, I struggled to name what it was and why I felt so hurt - like someone had punched me in the gut, even though I was physically fine. It's a relief to be able to name these tactics used. You've gotta name it to tame it!
Consider it a blessing!
People who ostracize tend to have a questionable character; not worthy of associating with. Happy people don’t do this.
Thank you for that last piece. I needed to hear that. I've been estranged from my family since a terrible betrayal and abandonment years ago, but now the moment I have dreaded is here and my niece and Goddaughter is getting married and I won't be part of it and it is incredibly painful
I've noticed in my neighborhood when I walk by people and say hello, I am often ignored. It conditions you to say forget it and keep your head down.
We will force them to say hello to you
Had a workplace day out once.
Someone tagged everyone and even mentioned sorry x wasn't there and missed me out even though I was there and spoke to them.
Colleagues unfriend you on social media.
People talk about what they know you like and leaving you out.
Go out for food, ask everyone apart from you if you want something.
Senior director comes out her car, speaks to two people but walks right past you.
Could go on all day. It's pathetic really.
Narc is causing it all, people go along because they're either.
1. Evil, narcs themselves, enjoy it.
2. Naive, been turned.
3. Scared, don't want to but don't want to be treated that way.
My brother excluded me from my niece's wedding (after I had received the 'save the date' email) because my father appointed me as his attorney under his power of attorney. His wife had the gall to try and justify the behavior in an email, and by all accounts was offended when I didn't respond. The real victim of their action was my very frail elderly father who had to attend the wedding without his companion of choice and be sent home early with a hired driver - it was appalling. But was devastating for both of us. You are right they are not worth knowing. I really appreciate having my feelings validated about it and being reminded about the character of such people. It is true they are not worth knowing. Thank you.
Thankyou, Being openly set apart is so painful. I attended my daughter's baby shower n my other 3: daughter's sat at the furest away table in the reception room. One daughter later said I was being awkward. Still under their father's control. Daddy dearest. I try to reconnect and visit them but it's no use. I'm their loving mother but I try and will keep trying but I'm not willing after a year n half after getting rid of the abuser. Give them time yes. I'm soo tired now I do all the running I m too tired to be bothered, I will let them go. I'm making a free and happy life for myself. Never was I selfish before but this time is mine. Getting a lot of kicking, I can take that. They don't see, it's a credit to me::5 children professional grown people now they are not aware of the evil in the world. Heartbroken 💔 I was not educated in this NPD it's not my job to tell them. They would think mummy has lost her marbles. Yes I have
Stay strong - focus on you, there is a chance it will come right (speaking as someone who has gone through this + out the other side myself, as the daughter)