“The older I get the more I realize the importance of walking away from people and situations which threaten my peace of mind, self respect, values and self worth.”
That is great advise. Thank you & I too feel the same, at least once everyday. Quite sad really, my heart is taking over my head. Do I want to live like this, No. XxX
I’m adding this to my notes: The only appropriate way to test a romantic partner: “Speak up about what’s important to me, and to see whether the relationship can handle it.” - Matthew Hussey
I wish I could have had access to content like this earlier in my life, at a younger age. People with anxiety disorders have expressive difficulties in relationships and are much easier to be manipulated by their partners. I appreciate you for helping people with this content.
You described my relationship of the last 2 years. After he yelled at me and hung up on me. I flipped that switch and went no contact. He blew up when I wanted to talk to him about something he did. I got tired of every thing becoming a fight over the smallest things that I wanted to talk about. As hard as it was to walk away it's the best thing I did for my mental and emotional health. I couldn't imagine living my life that way for the rest of my life.
That’s crazy cause I also would try and talk to him and it would always turn into a argument or he would leave the room and dismiss the conversation and block me out. Then turn it on me because he didn’t like my reaction to his actions.
I went through both of calls situations. He was always flipping things on me no matter what. I only wanted reassurance for situations but he would always get upset... I guess he had enough of me asking and he ended things with me how are yall doing now... I feel like I can't bare it... we have a 10 month old...
I just took a bunch of your suggestions of what to say, and said them to this man who never respected me. I carried a torch for him for almost 4 yrs. Thank you for helping me. He’s frozen me out. Haha! Oh well. Thank you, Matt for helping me! I stood up for myself. Told him I deserve someone 100% into me. I told him he needed to go figure out how to treat a woman. Had enough of his blockings, ignoring me, lies… I told him he disappears and that just becomes boring. I feel totally in control of my life and love life and happy. I can’t thank you enough!!!🎉❤
I’m 67 years old and this has been such a pattern in my two long relationships, ultimately leading to the end of both. I’d love to meet someone again and this video is just what I need! Perfect timing, thanks Matthew! 🥰
To be able to hear and watch this after two months from walking away on someone that I told myself I can lose this person, I've survived it before and I will be okay, brings me so much joy and contentment. This is a reminder that I did what is best for me and accepted that I will never find peace in a relationship where I have to lower my standards and ignore my non negotiables/boundaries just because someone does not want to step up. I may not be fully healed yet from the hurt but it gives me so much peace to know that every day Im moving one step further from that pain and gaining one step closer to being whole again. Bliss!
@@laurapissani Thanks for asking and I can confidently say that these past 10 months have been the happiest and I'm glad I had the courage to leave behind something that no longer served me and my well-being. And the best part? When you take care of yourself and demand the energy you deserve you attract the right one that matches it. I'm glad I didn't settle for anything less, because now, I am in a healthy relationship with someone who at the end of the day loves me the way I want to be loved and need not ask for it. My happiness is also his. And I think that's wonderful and that should be the bare minimum. ❤️ I hope this for you and everyone here too.
Just went through a breakup where I left because he wasn't respecting my boundaries and meeting me halfway in the relationship after 6 years together, 1 of them engaged. This video hit the nail on the head. Thank you. It reassured me that despite loving him more than I thought possible, leaving was the right thing to do for myself.
Thank you Matthew! You are literally pulling our feelings from the darkness of self-doubts under the daylight of reality and common sense . We should stop being “convenient girls” for our partners and remember that “ I am #1 priority in my life “. And it’s not selfishness, it is self respect. If I don’t respect myself, no one will respect me . The rule of Universe .
That is what I should promise myself. I need to let someone go if I am risking my peace of mind. Never being scared of being alone because it is better to be alone than being in a toxic relationship
Play this on repeat!!!I ve been all for the peace keeping in a relationship where the slightest comment could trigger moodiness from him and when confronted,escalate into an argument or brief separation! We cant lower our standards just to feed the other person's ego or calm their insecurities... It amazes me how many men(mainly) are so immature and dont have a clue how to trully communicate in a relationship, putting their pride and selfishness first...Makes u wonder if they really loved you or were just living the fantasy of being in love...
This is so right.. 👏🏻 You know you're in the right relationship when you feel safe stating about your boundaries and sticking with them and your partner is willing to have the hard conversations to make the relationship better.. You will see and feel his effort that you dont have to question it.. Nobody's perfect, i think if both partners are trying to improve themselves, things always get better.. and you will both feel loved and secured❤️❤️❤️
And yet… sentences with ‘not’ seem to create the opposite: ‘I won’t think about him!’ can be turned into ‘I concentrate on myself’. Thanks for your video! Have a lovely evening!
Once you realize there is NOTHING you could have done because begin dense is what ultimately works for them you literally will feel numb every time the ruminating starts. I hope this helps. It sucks but it feel better then thinking anything could and would be different it just wouldn’t
Crazily, I have just left a relationship because every time I tried to point out his disrespectful/angry behaviour, he would turn it around so that he was the victim and I was the bully for not taking his feelings etc into account. Eventually I stopped speaking out, gave himself enough rope to hang himself with, then walked out the door. I'm still the bad guy for "not understanding, being too sensitive, taking it all the wrong way and walking away" 😅
Unfortunately I can relate so much with this topic that I felt like you were talking directly to me! And even before I started watching the video I knew exactly what you will say and what I did wrong... I learned my lesson for sure and I will need lots of time to recover...but hey was my fault for ALWAYS apologizing even when it wasn't the case! And I lost his respect and all the rest....shame we learn lessons only by making mistakes!
Love this. I am learning to speak up, be stronger on my own, not say sorry so much, keep my boundaries, express concerns, have good standards and exert consequences as needed. Also rather than say ‘sorry to bother you’ to say ‘thank you for listening’. Love having the breaker switch of taking a break, doing something else and knowing I’ll be ok regardless, and I’d rather be alone then mistreated. It all makes a difference for sure:) Thank you 😊
I was always the one keeping the peace while being disrespected. Now I don't care who I lose, I'm staying true to myself. If I can't voice how I feel comfortably then they don't care enough about me.
Stay strong sister! Remember that knowing your worth and sticking to your values is sexy! You might “ lose “ some unworthy companionship and temporary peace but you really are winning life.
I have never understood that belief though; why not? I have respected fellow coworkers who have deeply wronged me. I would just act civil and professional, and still acknowledged that they are a human being who has feelings. I don't stand there and chat away with them, but I keep our communication on a professional level, so that we both still get our jobs done.
They apologize cause its easier than actually listening and trying to do something different. It usually means they dont really care that something is wrong because they r getting what they want or need from the relationship
Yes I can see in my marriage I gave away all my boundaries & self respect for false peace. I just got more & more obsessive as truly I was giving away my self respect in order not to loose the relationship. In the end I lost the relationship anyway so it was a double whammy. Has taken years to regain my integrity & real inner peace which comes from inner self worth. Been a tough journey meeting & nurturing my past wounds which began in childhood. I do still wish for a healthy relationship deep down but now I see most important is my integrity & self respect. Without that no other relationship will work. My wish is to find a person who is willing to grow a healthy relationship together. In the meantime I'm loving all my abandoned parts back to wholeness from which they came & can return too in the safety of the truth of myself at my core essence. The bottom line. I'm willing to loose anyone if there is not equal investment in healthy relating.
Hello Matthew, Stephen, and team! I hope one day to meet you or hear from you so I can say thank you directly to you. You are giving more than hope for people to live their best life. You are giving us the tools to do so! Much love always. I nearly burst into tears watching this video because every word was spot on. NEVER in my 50 + years on this planet has anyone ever understood, let alone articulated why saying “sorry” all the time is unhealthy and indicative of a problem. Now. This comment is forever long, but it has a happy ending. I tried shortening it, but this video released a torrent of feelings that led to write as if I were writing in my diary. Please let my experience encourage anyone out there who is suffering in a toxic relationship and on the fence about leaving. Your life can and will be better than you ever imagined once you take back your power and take a leap of faith in yourself. Here’s my story: My father was a true narcist and mom did everything she could to prevent him from yelling. To this day, I can’t handle anyone yelling. But, back to my story. My had a BOOMING voice the like of James Earl Jones. Although we lived in a nice home set back on a large corner lot, our neighbors or anyone walking by could hear him from the street when he yelled namely at my mom. The remedy: My mom taught us game. She called it "keep the peace." Those were her exact words. She taught us how to submit as a means to survive because my dad only got louder and crueller when you challenged him or tried to speak up for yourself. My mom occasionally tried to stick up for us kids and my dad would shout “stop defending the kids. You can have more kids but you only get one husband.” Plus, he was masterful with language. He could turn any problem into some one else’s fault. As a result of growing up in such a tumultuous situation, I didn't learn self-respect. I had no sense of dignity and no sense of security. I spent nearly every waking moment trying to guess what my father needed or wanted or thought should happen so I didn't upset him. The result was that I had an extremely narrow vision of the world. Heck. I couldn't afford to pay attention to anything else in the world except him. It's no wonder why I have only been in one relationship, two “situation-ships,” and one husband of 21 years. My first boyfriend was more than a decade older than me. He was emotionally abusive and racist yet I stayed for 6 years trying to make it work. I followed that disaster up by dating a much older man who lived in New York City while I lived in Ohio. We had completely opposite values yet I remained available to him all the while he was dating other women for 20 years. I naively thought if I were patient enough, he would one day see me and want me above all others because I didn’t require too much work from him to get the best of me. Last, I married a man 27 years older. He was my dad in a different zip code. The men could do whatever they wanted because all I knew how to do was appease, appease, and appease some more. Now. I want to back to my childhood to give you some context. My homelife was so miserable that I began planning my suicide in the seventh grade. That was my release valve. I told myself to hang in there because the day will come that I end the pain. Eventually, things got so bad I was hospitalized three times in my young life for being suicidal. I reached out to my parents for help once. I said I wanted to go to therapy and that I was depressed. My dad dismissed me by saying “you aren’t depressed and therapists are therapists because they themselves need therapy. That was the end of the discussion. Fast forward to my late twenties. Unwittingly, I married my father. Warning bells didn't ring sound with this person because his narcissistic behaviors were familiar and comfortable to me. I knew exactly how to keep the relationship going. All I had to do was make myself so small that my husband didn't have to pay attention to my needs. Things got so bad from stuffing my emotions down and letting him walk all over me that I became physically ill. My doctor called my symptoms a conversion disorder. That's when emotional pain becomes physical pain. Here's on a small list of what I suffered: tremors, panic attacks, instances when I would lose the ability to walk and speak, vertigo, etc. By the 15th year of my marriage, I was so ill that I could no longer. My husband, who controlled all of the finances and kept me in the dark, blamed me for things being financially difficult. That was bologna by the way. We lived in one of the most expensive areas in the country. I'll never forget the day he said to me, out of the blue, "you know. I've come to accept that you won't be the person I thought you would be. And I'm OK with it now.” Naturally, this plummeted me into another serious depression. And once again, I soothed myself by saying knowing it wouldn’t be long before I took my own life and terminated my misery. Of course, I ended up back in therapy where my therapist got me to see the abuse. It took three years after knowing I was being abused to consider leaving. Why so long? He convinced me I couldn’t survive without him. I stayed four more years (for a total of 7 years) trying to get my husband to hear me, see me, touch me, go to therapy, etc. He always refused. I even went to couples therapy by myself for 1 1/2 years. Needless to say, couples therapy without the couple doesn't work so nothing changed at home. Rather, things got even worse. My husband spoke to me unlike anyone else. I asked him why he was so foul to me and he said, “because I know I can get away with it.” Again, it took seven years, but I did finally leave. Soon after he wrote me a letter saying if I didn't come back, he would kill himself. Fortunately, I had been to enough therapy to know that this was the ultimate manipulation so I didn't go back. He carried out his threat on Jan. 5, 2022. Now I am in probate with my step-kids. I helped raise them for more than half of their lives so it’s painful that our relationship has devolved into issues over money. What's worse is that my husband did as much as damage as he could before he killed himself to prevent me from receiving any financial support despite the fact that I was unemployed due to him making me sick. My friends came to my rescue because my husband cut off what little access I had to any money. He even ended my heath care insurance without telling me so I missed the enrollment period to buy an individual plan with Cobra health insurance. All of this may sound like a woe is me story. Yet, it’s the opposite. My husband’s vile treatment forced me to get industrious after we separated so I was able to get by. Later, I received word from the company holding his retirement accounts. They said I was an 80% beneficiary of his accounts. California law saved me because he required my signature to remove me as a beneficiary. He still did some other financial gymnastics that still are causing problems but gone are the days that he can hurt me. Now I am back in school to get certified to teach Pilates. It pays well enough; besides I enjoy it. I could teach middle and high school drama and filmmaking again to make more money. I have MA in Art Education, but I have absolutely zero interest in going back to teaching. Fifteen years was enough for me. I share all of this to say to anyone out there having the same troubles as I once had to say. Right now, you are on a cliff. You can stay with devil you know. Things are guaranteed to get progressively worse because you wouldn’t be in such a dire situation if there was a chance for things to get better. So, I say to you take a chance and jump. A soft landing isn’t guaranteed but a once you are free, health, love, and peace become a possibility. Had I stayed with my husband. I can say with certainty I would be dead now instead of writing this forever long comment. LOL. Again, for all those people suffering, I say JUMP. Have faith in yourself that you will figure it out. The only other choice is stay on that cliff with your abuser who gets kicks by threatening to push you over the side. JUMP and take the chance you will be pushed away from the person who doesn’t care about you. You will have a better chance of landing on your feet if you control the trajectory. Much love to Matthew and Stephen Hussey and everyone on his team. I listen to you every morning as part of my morning routine to remind myself that I am worthy of so much more than I have ever been given. Now it's my turn to live. My world view has expanded because I no longer have to focus on a single person. I see my friends whenever I want and do the things, I have always dreamt of doing. Best wishes to you all. I am sending peace, love, and light. Sincerely, Michelle
OMG I started crying reading your story😢 my story is similar in some ways. God bless you for making this very difficult decision. My self respect and believing in yourself because my childhood, ex-marriage and next long relationship were destroyed. I'm smiling outside but inside I'm screeming with pain and intimidation how I was treated. I'm depressed and don't want to get up from my bed sometimes and was thinking to end my life to not feel this pain again how I was treated in the past. My ex-husband destroyed my life coz I left him and there is nothing I can do legally. There is no amount of tablets, herbs I will take so they will help me to heal. I totally feel what you have been through🤗
I never want to be with someone who can give a silent treatment or manipulative tactic with ease. I want them to miss me as much as I miss them - and if they don't - that is not someone I want. The person I want desires harmony to the same degree and is distressed by having to pull away. They want to resolve things and seek affection. We treat each other kindly.
As someone who doesnt like tension, ive decided this sort of relationship - at least in my circumstance - is too much. He will never apologize - just use some health excuse for bad behavior, etc. I dont mind being friends and doing stuff occsisionally, doing favores etc. Ive just decided im not seeking him out for outings. We never seem to talk stuff out to actually make changes. We just have an argument of some sort, don't talk for a while, then behave like nothing ever happened. So eff it, im not going to put anymore effort into this than him. We seem to do great with whatever - as long as its not like over a week+ of continual contact. I hope we don't lose the relationship, but yeah, ive recently realized that i can live without him. But id like to maintain some friendly something, as i love his family and enjoy being around them. I just dont like feeling like im the one to wish to talk things out, etc and he won't. Itd be great for him to surprise me. Maybe with my new outlook, he will. But whatever - i need to do ehat i need for my mental wellbeing.
This came at the right time for me ❤ I have just had a breakup happen where the guy says that his school/work has gotten too busy for a relationship, but I think in the process of getting to that point he has lost respect for me. I have to choose to not let anxiety win and I had to leave that situation, putting myself first.
WOW! Weirdly, I knew this at the back of my mind, but how you phrased everything made it have essence on another level! People who have tension anxiety are often from backgrounds/families where there was always tension from/between their parents and they never want to experience that in their relationships. This, plus the fear of losing someone they love deeply makes them seek peace by any means necessary. Unfortunately, this costs their respect from their partner and eventual hurt. However, if someone hurts you, demoralised your standards, and does not see the wrong in it, they are not the right one for you in the first place. They will ultimately hurt you regardless of you apologising or pretending not to care to make them come back. Don't lose your standards for anyone. THANK YOU MATTHEW, you are the older brother we all need🥺👏
Have I mentioned I have listened to this 3 times simultaneously? Wow! And I plan to listen 100 times more until the core of me gets every word he is saying.
Oh boy did I need to hear this especially today. I have definitely been seeking short-term appeasement rather than long-term peace. Thank you so much for putting it into perspective for me. I've been doing this my whole life, expecting things to change. Although it's hard to admit, I realize that is up to me to make those changes and to set those boundaries. Thank you so much you have no idea what listening to this has done for my mental health.
This insight into myself helped me break off the relationship. No more crying drinking I’m back seeing friends and exploring new hobbies. I’m learning to take care of me first. That doesn’t mean I’m selfish
This video and words are really helping me. I had the longest break up phase with a (probably) narcissist last year. Respect for me and my mentioned standards were not served but I didn't walk away and let all the horrible manipulative things happen. Him walking away and coming back whenever he wanted and I was just happy for him to come back like a dog that got mistreated so badly but still feels dependent to their owner.. The relationship developed into a power and dependency game... I wish I would have had the power to walk away and this is biggest goal now to show my borders now if anyone or the narcissist tries talking to me again. A part of me knows that I'm loveable and I want to be treated like it. I feel shocked how I let all of it happen.
This is spot on ME! I need to listen to this 10 times a day. My dad was a TYPE A PERSONALITY. High drive, high tension because he did or could not deal with his own issues. He used intimidation and fear. He was a policeman. We feared him. He never hit us. But it was stress and anxiety. So I internalized it and have spent my life trying to apologize my way out of most things in some form or another. In other ways I am a very strong person. When it comes to men I look for the less intense, anxious ones, a man who is laid back. But that backfires because usually the are so laid back the don't or can't give a damn. And I want to progress into a committed relationship. I like "strong" men too but I don't want to be treated like a child, bullied or disregarded. I have a great fear of rejection because I did not learn how to trust myself. I need a combination of someone who can support me emotionally and express love but I do not want to be controlled. My dad taught me that is what men do. I never wanted to get married or have children because I knew I would live a life of a single parent like my mom. This has been deeply ingrained in my brain. I am north of 50 years old and never married, no children. Now I am terribly dissatisfied with being single. Not in a hurry to run to the altar. But want a loving partner to share my life with. PLEASE HELP!
Your dad was A man, not all men. Believe that some men are capable of seeing you as an equal and deeply desirable. Otherwise you will keep finding men like your dad or men who are “safe” and not looking for partnership because it gives you the boyfriend feeling with no chance of a commitment to disrespect or leave. Aka single mom
I just walked away from a 3 month relationship. I know not long but it was brill then we had a bit of an argument and that's it the end. He withdrew from me was distant. He didn't call or text much I could just feel he was been different. I got told to chill I was deciding what he was thinking etc. Funny enough he said I'd changed which I hadn't and he blamed it on me. I ended it over message even though I asked him to answer his phone he wouldn't. I tried to reason with him tried to get him to open up told him I love him you name it I tried. He just refused to talk and said I have nothing more to say to you cause we're done. I'm upset and feeling sad but watching this video I did the right thing.
Hi Matthew, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for the past 4 years. at only 17 years old, I have encountered many past lovers that had used my disorder as an excuse to demean, gaslight and even degrade me, which in some cases, must be common among all mental health spectrum. I think if you could make a video with advice for people like myself that struggle in relationships as a whole, to find more happier ways to reflect from within and help to create an open and healthier relationship with not only just their partner but with all relationships, would be life changing. The positive impact you have on this amount and variety of viewers is incredible. which is why I think this generation needs someone with a voice like yours to discuss mental health inside relationships to spread the awareness that people can be in a fragile state while in love no matter the time scale. thanks
can you do one of these about the person who is taking the anxious one for granted and never takes responsibility for anything emotionally in the relationship lol
“Sacrifice short-term appeasement for long-term peace.” I think I need to tattoo this all over my body - forehead, arms, fingers, etc. so I can always see it. People that are controlling, narcissistic, or abusive don’t want peace, they want to manipulate you. Only good people want peace and often we forget that you have to risk upsetting someone by telling the truth and setting healthy boundaries. You might be surprised with the other persons response or you might have to walk away. Being unshakable in your truth and your boundaries is not an option if you want your soul to find peace. Loved this topic! Thank you so much for sharing!
I can’t believe I’m back to your channel when I typed ”respect” in search bar. Everything you said was right on the spot. I just realized I mistreated myself through my partner. I don’t know how to gain the respect back from myself not from him. Thank you for this video
"No.3 - Go do something else " This is the best I've seen in explaining anxiety and with solid advice. Soooooo true and very well explained l! - Thank you!
Hey Matthew! I did walk away and that was it. I am sad as you are so right everything you said here. I knew that will happen and it did. Now working on healing
Girls when you work on YOURSELF you have something to ESTIMATE.Thats when you start to realize that just isnt fair for me to be with such person.Thats when your self love grows.
I'm in a long distance relationship at the moment and the communication has faded in the past couple of weeks, we haven't seen each in a while so it's been starting to get to me. He has apologized for the lack in communication but it's one of two messages in a week. I keep thinking if I should just keep trying but like you said, Matthew. It's his move, so I think I will take a step back this week and see what he does 🌿
I think when were scared of losing people it's a story we tell ourselves with the abandonment fear coming up to make us anxious in our minds so we believe it it almost makes the story real because the anxiety feels so real and the story we Tell ourselves feels so true in our minds I think if we stopped and pay attention to why we are anxious then figure out what story are you telling yourself we can unravel it you have to go in really deep and feel your feelings and then sit with them be okay with what comes up and once you've named the feelings you can overcome it and then tell yourself a different story because no one can abandon you if you don't abandon yourself also our minds believe what we tell it so we need to tell it a better story 🥰❤️
Matthew thank you for this video. I was about to make that mistake this week, but the individual avoided me instead. Stupid me felt bad for not trying hard enough to get the individual's attention and for waiting the right moment or opening to initiate a conversation. Later on I ended up feeling better that the interaction did not happen. Now with your video message and advice will stop me from doubting and minimize my self-respect. Your videos are a mind and heart saver. Thank you!!!
This was just what I was needing to ear before doing something that would mean bending over again and not keeping my standards! Thank you Matthew and Team you all have been the greatest team mates. Keep on because what you do and the way you do it is greatness and kindness together with powerfulness
i have been today in this exact same situation with my boyfriend, he ghosted me the entire day after we argued about something and i became obsessively anxious about it thinking it was the end and making moves out of anxiety , i regret it now but im gonna put my standards on the table from now on and be in power as well and if he's not okay with it then screw him so thank you so muuuuch
Matthew, this is such a beautiful video. I’m having a tough time with my dad not giving me the same respect I deserve and this video resonates with me. It’s true not only for a romantic relationship but also for any other relationship. ❤ Thank you for making such wonderful content, lots of love x
Brilliantly put, Matthew. I was in a similar situation, and I never realised that I was doing so much, solving all the arguments, initiating tough conversations. It messed up my mental health and self confidence. Today, I feel much more at peace. I do miss him at times. But I also understand that I needed to let go. Keep spreading your wisdom!
Hey Mathew !! if you are reading this , let me tell you that you have been a sweetheart and a darling in the dating world, and it has been around two years since I have been listening to you and indeed it has helped me grow, made me realise my limitations and boundaries and most importantly " Enhanced my self esteem" Thank you for this. Got it right in the moment when I needed it. Love and Regards Kritika( From INDIA) ♥️🌻♥️
I needed this tonight thank you so much I need peace I know it myself :( I hate tension and I say sorry all the time I’m honest there but I get scared a lot I’ve neglected myself :( I feel like I bring up what upsets me and what scares me and again I get lashed out at I am one who stands still. This really has helped me tonight I do struggle with abandonment I feel I don’t have any power at the moment. I needed to hear this I do get scared to tell anyone with what is going through my head. I am starting a work and health programme this week. I am putting focus at the moment in listening to people like you as you give me hope and help me feel better. I need help with tension. I cannot wait to have my call with Lottie and your help really does help me become a better me. Thank you to everyone at the team
Thank u for teaching me so much about my own self . I'm the first to always say I'm sorry. I'm getting better because you have given me so many tools through all you do. You have literally given me the perfect tools to become my secure self again after many years . I'm a very compassionate and kind ,loving person. I had to learn the difference between accepting my part and properly dealing with that, rather than I'm sorry for even their part! You hit this right on the head! ❤ love your beautiful self! You have helped me regain control over my own emotions and when they are appropriate or not. ❤ Matthew, you're a true blessing to a community who needs an honest voice, and in that, you teach us so much about our own selves as well as others, but without self awareness theirs no fixing things. I'm blessed to have u in my life daily even though it's "just" through your channel ❤️ Thank you, Matthew!!! Thank you! So much love for you and your voice!
This was so helpful. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety in my last relationship. It went exactly as you said. I was walked over for years and I allowed it. This helps so much to see a better way to handle the conflicts that arise in any relationship. Thank you.
Great video and advice! My ex was the one who would always say sorry after a small fight, because she had her heart broken many times and had a lot of trust issues before she met me.
I ve seeing and listen many many videos not only English etc but Russian as well. I must say this guy is the BEST. Straight forward ,quick , talking clear and the hit subject with no bla bla bla. Clever guy. I don’t know what makes him be on our site girls 😂❤
This was very helpful. Just this weekend, someone I am casually dating, asked me out twice on different days at the last minute after I made it clear that I needed to know with time. He did not like that I said no and that he was not a planner by trade like me. Then he ignored me yesterday so today I texted him asking him if we were ok. He said yes but I still clarified to him that given that we don’t have a formal relationship as to where we can just ask each other at the last minute because we are exclusive, I needed prior notice. More than anything because my time is valuable. This was hours ago and he is quick responder so he may not be ok with what I said but I suppose that is ok. If he will not be ok with that then it’s better he is not in my life.
Have you considered the possibility, that he might have a strong romantic streak, we men who do, need to have the freedom to be spontaneous. Edit: not that it matter with this guy, you clearly conveyed that, your not that into him. Better luck next time!
@@thorofasgaard7405 thank you for your feedback. No I have not considered that possibility. But what you don’t know is that he is 17 years younger than me. And that we went out once in a month and the four other times he only comes to my place. I definitely want more than that. That is why I am OK if he goes. We did talk after this whole incident and we seem to be fine but again, I caught on that he wants nothing more than one thing and I want more than that. Now the issue is that I don’t want to make a big deal when I tell him this but it is a big deal to me.
So powerful: if I really need to I can lose this person and I'll be ok... I have recently reached this conclusion on my own and I'm so happy you just reinforced it! Thank you
OMG I`ve so needed this right now as I`m in the middle of chosing to let him go or allowing him to continue walk over me. Thank you Matthew, this video is a gem! It will help me to chose wisely.
Matthew, you don’t miss! My recent relationship was exactly this. Now I’m healing after leaving that unhealthy relationship. There are some wonderful guys who want to treat me right now- just trying to get ready to be fully available to be a new person’s partner.
Woww, looking back at relationships where i was so fearful of losing and not ready to giveup, so much so that i was ready to give up my pride instead... The psychological point about Peace vs. Pride / Anxt vs. Comfort / Scarcity vs. Abundance - awsome! Love that eye opener
This is what I’ve been scared to do all along. It’s come down to try it out, to be strong and respect myself or I’ll never be respected and never work it out with this person. It’s terrifying, losing them. Absolutely crippling to imagine. But if I don’t, I’ll lose them either way.
Thank you for this!! I really needed to hear this. I really suffered from anxiety in my situationship to keep the peace. Recently I had the strength to stand up for my standards and myself. He wasn’t able to step up. Now I’m trying to fill my cup up again, accept things for what they are, and move on.
Yes. It is my responsibiluty to take guilt. As a born scapegoat, it comes naturally. For example, I’ve learnt that real leaders take responsibility. In real life, it seldom hapoens that the boss takes any responsibility or know this rule. I often take responsibility from my part, but then I see that it is seen all my fault. This is complicated. Well, now I must be harder and see, that it is not all my fault.
“The older I get the more I realize the importance of walking away from people and situations which threaten my peace of mind, self respect, values and self worth.”
Me too and it’s the best lesson and feeling in the world to just let it go.. took 50 years to get here. Nobody will ever treat me bad again
Well said. ❤
That is great advise. Thank you & I too feel the same, at least once everyday. Quite sad really, my heart is taking over my head. Do I want to live like this, No. XxX
Or people that have no self-confidence, and you can tell it even through text
Yep. Amen to that! I now have a low tolerance for somebody disrespecting me in a friendship, or any type of relationship.
Some men don’t want genuine love, they want to feel powerful at someone else’s expense. Always be careful!
I’m adding this to my notes:
The only appropriate way to test a romantic partner:
“Speak up about what’s important to me, and to see whether the relationship can handle it.”
- Matthew Hussey
So needed to hear this right now
You Tuber Shallon Lester says "if it's fragile, let it break". Good advice too.
That's great!
Yup. Don’t stay in a relationship because you think it will get better eventually. Know your worth and move on ❤
Someday is not a day of the week! If you have to lose someone it's okay better is on its way!
Amen! And not a truer word was spoken!
"Their effort reflects their interest" is something i have in the back of my head, hope it can be helpful to somone❤️
This is exactly what I've been telling myself as I'm not seeing effort. Great to see this comment now. Thank you
Love this
I wish I could have had access to content like this earlier in my life, at a younger age. People with anxiety disorders have expressive difficulties in relationships and are much easier to be manipulated by their partners. I appreciate you for helping people with this content.
Omg,yes....I wish that too!!!
Nice thought
So brilliant as always ❤
🧡💛💚💙💜
so true....
Never be afraid to lose someone who doesn't respect you ...
I was crying last night because of this .. then i got this notification for this video
me too girl
LITERALLY Me too 🥹
Peace in any relationship can actually be more important than so called ”love”.
Learning to walk away and to truly let go is a skill everyone should be taught at a young age to avoid ongoing depression as an adult.
You described my relationship of the last 2 years. After he yelled at me and hung up on me. I flipped that switch and went no contact. He blew up when I wanted to talk to him about something he did. I got tired of every thing becoming a fight over the smallest things that I wanted to talk about. As hard as it was to walk away it's the best thing I did for my mental and emotional health. I couldn't imagine living my life that way for the rest of my life.
That’s crazy cause I also would try and talk to him and it would always turn into a argument or he would leave the room and dismiss the conversation and block me out. Then turn it on me because he didn’t like my reaction to his actions.
I went through both of calls situations. He was always flipping things on me no matter what. I only wanted reassurance for situations but he would always get upset... I guess he had enough of me asking and he ended things with me how are yall doing now... I feel like I can't bare it... we have a 10 month old...
@@lizetteruiz9683praying wisdom, peace and strength for you.
"You don't have a relationship- you have an emotional hostage situation." Too true! I laughed soooo hard!!!
I just took a bunch of your suggestions of what to say, and said them to this man who never respected me. I carried a torch for him for almost 4 yrs. Thank you for helping me. He’s frozen me out. Haha! Oh well. Thank you, Matt for helping me! I stood up for myself. Told him I deserve someone 100% into me. I told him he needed to go figure out how to treat a woman. Had enough of his blockings, ignoring me, lies… I told him he disappears and that just becomes boring. I feel totally in control of my life and love life and happy. I can’t thank you enough!!!🎉❤
I’m 67 years old and this has been such a pattern in my two long relationships, ultimately leading to the end of both. I’d love to meet someone again and this video is just what I need! Perfect timing, thanks Matthew! 🥰
I hope you’ve found someone wonderful, and if not, I hope you’re loving yourself and living your best life! ❤🎉
The best of luck! It’s never too late.
All the bery Best🎉🎉🎉..Surely u will..Trust in God
People usually apologize to clear their own consciences, not to make amends. It's a trick.
To be able to hear and watch this after two months from walking away on someone that I told myself I can lose this person, I've survived it before and I will be okay, brings me so much joy and contentment.
This is a reminder that I did what is best for me and accepted that I will never find peace in a relationship where I have to lower my standards and ignore my non negotiables/boundaries just because someone does not want to step up.
I may not be fully healed yet from the hurt but it gives me so much peace to know that every day Im moving one step further from that pain and gaining one step closer to being whole again. Bliss!
Way to go. Been there. It will get better ✨
How are you doing now?
@@laurapissani Thanks for asking and I can confidently say that these past 10 months have been the happiest and I'm glad I had the courage to leave behind something that no longer served me and my well-being. And the best part? When you take care of yourself and demand the energy you deserve you attract the right one that matches it. I'm glad I didn't settle for anything less, because now, I am in a healthy relationship with someone who at the end of the day loves me the way I want to be loved and need not ask for it. My happiness is also his. And I think that's wonderful and that should be the bare minimum. ❤️ I hope this for you and everyone here too.
@@adjustmentbureau0 This is so lovely to hear ❤
Just went through a breakup where I left because he wasn't respecting my boundaries and meeting me halfway in the relationship after 6 years together, 1 of them engaged. This video hit the nail on the head. Thank you. It reassured me that despite loving him more than I thought possible, leaving was the right thing to do for myself.
How are you feeling now? Same thing, just 10 months situation...
@@olgacherkasova3522 Hi 🙋🙋
How are u sweet friend ❤❤
@@ImranKhan-tj3dr hey, had my breakup yesterday... Shattered but not as dramatic as I used to be in my previous breakups... How are you?
@@olgacherkasova3522 You are always most well come 🌷🌷
I m fine .. so where from sweet friend ..?
Thank you Matthew!
You are literally pulling our feelings from the darkness of self-doubts under the daylight of reality and common sense .
We should stop being “convenient girls” for our partners and remember that
“ I am #1 priority in my life “.
And it’s not selfishness, it is self respect.
If I don’t respect myself, no one will respect me . The rule of Universe .
Some lie, and lies are the worst! I love the truth, even if it's hard to hear...my standard is honesty
That is what I should promise myself. I need to let someone go if I am risking my peace of mind. Never being scared of being alone because it is better to be alone than being in a toxic relationship
As someone who suffers from anxiety in relationships, this video really hit home!
Play this on repeat!!!I ve been all for the peace keeping in a relationship where the slightest comment could trigger moodiness from him and when confronted,escalate into an argument or brief separation! We cant lower our standards just to feed the other person's ego or calm their insecurities... It amazes me how many men(mainly) are so immature and dont have a clue how to trully communicate in a relationship, putting their pride and selfishness first...Makes u wonder if they really loved you or were just living the fantasy of being in love...
This is so right.. 👏🏻 You know you're in the right relationship when you feel safe stating about your boundaries and sticking with them and your partner is willing to have the hard conversations to make the relationship better.. You will see and feel his effort that you dont have to question it.. Nobody's perfect, i think if both partners are trying to improve themselves, things always get better.. and you will both feel loved and secured❤️❤️❤️
I have anxiety. This is great advice thank you.
And yet… sentences with ‘not’ seem to create the opposite: ‘I won’t think about him!’ can be turned into ‘I concentrate on myself’. Thanks for your video! Have a lovely evening!
"Sacrifice short time appeasement for long time peace."✌️❤
Thank you Matthew, this video has helped me so much. To have an actual explanation on how my brain and emotions work has brought me comfort
✋ I can lose this person and I will be okay. ... I needed that. Thanks for this video ❣
Ruminating about it is something that I just can't stop. I struggle with that a lot.
Once you realize there is NOTHING you could have done because begin dense is what ultimately works for them you literally will feel numb every time the ruminating starts. I hope this helps. It sucks but it feel better then thinking anything could and would be different it just wouldn’t
Crazily, I have just left a relationship because every time I tried to point out his disrespectful/angry behaviour, he would turn it around so that he was the victim and I was the bully for not taking his feelings etc into account. Eventually I stopped speaking out, gave himself enough rope to hang himself with, then walked out the door.
I'm still the bad guy for "not understanding, being too sensitive, taking it all the wrong way and walking away" 😅
🤣🤣🤣 it happened to me too n i just left asap & blocked him everywhere. dont wanna be friends nor wanna talk to him no mo
@@thisloop Hahaha, excellent! Some people just don't deserve a second chance 🤣
He sounds like a narcissist
@@soulsecrets789 Probably is, but luckily I don't have to worry about him anymore! I'm freeeeee 🥳
Unfortunately I can relate so much with this topic that I felt like you were talking directly to me! And even before I started watching the video I knew exactly what you will say and what I did wrong... I learned my lesson for sure and I will need lots of time to recover...but hey was my fault for ALWAYS apologizing even when it wasn't the case! And I lost his respect and all the rest....shame we learn lessons only by making mistakes!
As long as we learn, we never fail. 💚
You’ll definitely find what you’re looking for
I felt like he was talking to me too 😭🤦🏼♀️
Maybe we should all just not be so hard on ourselves :) the other person must be deeply flawed for making you feel that way
Love this. I am learning to speak up, be stronger on my own, not say sorry so much, keep my boundaries, express concerns, have good standards and exert consequences as needed. Also rather than say ‘sorry to bother you’ to say ‘thank you for listening’. Love having the breaker switch of taking a break, doing something else and knowing I’ll be ok regardless, and I’d rather be alone then mistreated. It all makes a difference for sure:) Thank you 😊
I was always the one keeping the peace while being disrespected. Now I don't care who I lose, I'm staying true to myself. If I can't voice how I feel comfortably then they don't care enough about me.
Word!! 🙏🏼❤
Stay strong sister! Remember that knowing your worth and sticking to your values is sexy! You might “ lose “ some unworthy companionship and temporary peace but you really are winning life.
Respect is earned not just given everyone deserves the basic level of human decency but no one deserves respect it is earned
I have never understood that belief though; why not? I have respected fellow coworkers who have deeply wronged me. I would just act civil and professional, and still acknowledged that they are a human being who has feelings. I don't stand there and chat away with them, but I keep our communication on a professional level, so that we both still get our jobs done.
I think guys do this a lot. They apologise, eventhough they don't understand what they have done, to keep peace.
Yup mainly hear this from men
They apologize cause its easier than actually listening and trying to do something different. It usually means they dont really care that something is wrong because they r getting what they want or need from the relationship
Yes I can see in my marriage I gave away all my boundaries & self respect for false peace. I just got more & more obsessive as truly I was giving away my self respect in order not to loose the relationship. In the end I lost the relationship anyway so it was a double whammy.
Has taken years to regain my integrity & real inner peace which comes from inner self worth. Been a tough journey meeting & nurturing my past wounds which began in childhood.
I do still wish for a healthy relationship deep down but now I see most important is my integrity & self respect. Without that no other relationship will work.
My wish is to find a person who is willing to grow a healthy relationship together. In the meantime I'm loving all my abandoned parts back to wholeness from which they came & can return too in the safety of the truth of myself at my core essence.
The bottom line. I'm willing to loose anyone if there is not equal investment in healthy relating.
Hello Matthew, Stephen, and team! I hope one day to meet you or hear from you so I can say thank you directly to you. You are giving more than hope for people to live their best life. You are giving us the tools to do so! Much love always.
I nearly burst into tears watching this video because every word was spot on. NEVER in my 50 + years on this planet has anyone ever understood, let alone articulated why saying “sorry” all the time is unhealthy and indicative of a problem.
Now. This comment is forever long, but it has a happy ending.
I tried shortening it, but this video released a torrent of feelings that led to write as if I were writing in my diary.
Please let my experience encourage anyone out there who is suffering in a toxic relationship and on the fence about leaving. Your life can and will be better than you ever imagined once you take back your power and take a leap of faith in yourself.
Here’s my story:
My father was a true narcist and mom did everything she could to prevent him from yelling. To this day, I can’t handle anyone yelling. But, back to my story. My had a BOOMING voice the like of James Earl Jones. Although we lived in a nice home set back on a large corner lot, our neighbors or anyone walking by could hear him from the street when he yelled namely at my mom.
The remedy: My mom taught us game. She called it "keep the peace." Those were her exact words. She taught us how to submit as a means to survive because my dad only got louder and crueller when you challenged him or tried to speak up for yourself. My mom occasionally tried to stick up for us kids and my dad would shout “stop defending the kids. You can have more kids but you only get one husband.” Plus, he was masterful with language. He could turn any problem into some one else’s fault.
As a result of growing up in such a tumultuous situation, I didn't learn self-respect. I had no sense of dignity and no sense of security. I spent nearly every waking moment trying to guess what my father needed or wanted or thought should happen so I didn't upset him. The result was that I had an extremely narrow vision of the world. Heck. I couldn't afford to pay attention to anything else in the world except him. It's no wonder why I have only been in one relationship, two “situation-ships,” and one husband of 21 years.
My first boyfriend was more than a decade older than me. He was emotionally abusive and racist yet I stayed for 6 years trying to make it work. I followed that disaster up by dating a much older man who lived in New York City while I lived in Ohio. We had completely opposite values yet I remained available to him all the while he was dating other women for 20 years. I naively thought if I were patient enough, he would one day see me and want me above all others because I didn’t require too much work from him to get the best of me. Last, I married a man 27 years older. He was my dad in a different zip code.
The men could do whatever they wanted because all I knew how to do was appease, appease, and appease some more.
Now. I want to back to my childhood to give you some context. My homelife was so miserable that I began planning my suicide in the seventh grade. That was my release valve. I told myself to hang in there because the day will come that I end the pain. Eventually, things got so bad I was hospitalized three times in my young life for being suicidal.
I reached out to my parents for help once. I said I wanted to go to therapy and that I was depressed. My dad dismissed me by saying “you aren’t depressed and therapists are therapists because they themselves need therapy. That was the end of the discussion.
Fast forward to my late twenties. Unwittingly, I married my father. Warning bells didn't ring sound with this person because his narcissistic behaviors were familiar and comfortable to me. I knew exactly how to keep the relationship going. All I had to do was make myself so small that my husband didn't have to pay attention to my needs. Things got so bad from stuffing my emotions down and letting him walk all over me that I became physically ill. My doctor called my symptoms a conversion disorder. That's when emotional pain becomes physical pain.
Here's on a small list of what I suffered: tremors, panic attacks, instances when I would lose the ability to walk and speak, vertigo, etc.
By the 15th year of my marriage, I was so ill that I could no longer. My husband, who controlled all of the finances and kept me in the dark, blamed me for things being financially difficult. That was bologna by the way. We lived in one of the most expensive areas in the country. I'll never forget the day he said to me, out of the blue, "you know. I've come to accept that you won't be the person I thought you would be. And I'm OK with it now.” Naturally, this plummeted me into another serious depression. And once again, I soothed myself by saying knowing it wouldn’t be long before I took my own life and terminated my misery.
Of course, I ended up back in therapy where my therapist got me to see the abuse. It took three years after knowing I was being abused to consider leaving. Why so long? He convinced me I couldn’t survive without him. I stayed four more years (for a total of 7 years) trying to get my husband to hear me, see me, touch me, go to therapy, etc. He always refused. I even went to couples therapy by myself for 1 1/2 years. Needless to say, couples therapy without the couple doesn't work so nothing changed at home. Rather, things got even worse. My husband spoke to me unlike anyone else. I asked him why he was so foul to me and he said, “because I know I can get away with it.”
Again, it took seven years, but I did finally leave. Soon after he wrote me a letter saying if I didn't come back, he would kill himself. Fortunately, I had been to enough therapy to know that this was the ultimate manipulation so I didn't go back. He carried out his threat on Jan. 5, 2022. Now I am in probate with my step-kids. I helped raise them for more than half of their lives so it’s painful that our relationship has devolved into issues over money. What's worse is that my husband did as much as damage as he could before he killed himself to prevent me from receiving any financial support despite the fact that I was unemployed due to him making me sick.
My friends came to my rescue because my husband cut off what little access I had to any money. He even ended my heath care insurance without telling me so I missed the enrollment period to buy an individual plan with Cobra health insurance.
All of this may sound like a woe is me story. Yet, it’s the opposite.
My husband’s vile treatment forced me to get industrious after we separated so I was able to get by. Later, I received word from the company holding his retirement accounts. They said I was an 80% beneficiary of his accounts. California law saved me because he required my signature to remove me as a beneficiary. He still did some other financial gymnastics that still are causing problems but gone are the days that he can hurt me.
Now I am back in school to get certified to teach Pilates. It pays well enough; besides I enjoy it. I could teach middle and high school drama and filmmaking again to make more money. I have MA in Art Education, but I have absolutely zero interest in going back to teaching. Fifteen years was enough for me.
I share all of this to say to anyone out there having the same troubles as I once had to say. Right now, you are on a cliff. You can stay with devil you know. Things are guaranteed to get progressively worse because you wouldn’t be in such a dire situation if there was a chance for things to get better. So, I say to you take a chance and jump. A soft landing isn’t guaranteed but a once you are free, health, love, and peace become a possibility.
Had I stayed with my husband. I can say with certainty I would be dead now instead of writing this forever long comment.
LOL. Again, for all those people suffering, I say JUMP. Have faith in yourself that you will figure it out. The only other choice is stay on that cliff with your abuser who gets kicks by threatening to push you over the side. JUMP and take the chance you will be pushed away from the person who doesn’t care about you. You will have a better chance of landing on your feet if you control the trajectory.
Much love to Matthew and Stephen Hussey and everyone on his team. I listen to you every morning as part of my morning routine to remind myself that I am worthy of so much more than I have ever been given. Now it's my turn to live.
My world view has expanded because I no longer have to focus on a single person. I see my friends whenever I want and do the things, I have always dreamt of doing.
Best wishes to you all. I am sending peace, love, and light.
Sincerely,
Michelle
Much love to you! You'll do great!
P.S. you have a great writing style. You might want to think about writing? ;)
Thank you for sharing and much love to you, Michelle.
Thank you for sharing
You are a remarkable woman God will bless you 🙏
OMG I started crying reading your story😢 my story is similar in some ways. God bless you for making this very difficult decision. My self respect and believing in yourself because my childhood, ex-marriage and next long relationship were destroyed. I'm smiling outside but inside I'm screeming with pain and intimidation how I was treated. I'm depressed and don't want to get up from my bed sometimes and was thinking to end my life to not feel this pain again how I was treated in the past. My ex-husband destroyed my life coz I left him and there is nothing I can do legally. There is no amount of tablets, herbs I will take so they will help me to heal. I totally feel what you have been through🤗
I never want to be with someone who can give a silent treatment or manipulative tactic with ease. I want them to miss me as much as I miss them - and if they don't - that is not someone I want.
The person I want desires harmony to the same degree and is distressed by having to pull away. They want to resolve things and seek affection. We treat each other kindly.
As someone who doesnt like tension, ive decided this sort of relationship - at least in my circumstance - is too much. He will never apologize - just use some health excuse for bad behavior, etc. I dont mind being friends and doing stuff occsisionally, doing favores etc. Ive just decided im not seeking him out for outings. We never seem to talk stuff out to actually make changes. We just have an argument of some sort, don't talk for a while, then behave like nothing ever happened. So eff it, im not going to put anymore effort into this than him. We seem to do great with whatever - as long as its not like over a week+ of continual contact.
I hope we don't lose the relationship, but yeah, ive recently realized that i can live without him. But id like to maintain some friendly something, as i love his family and enjoy being around them. I just dont like feeling like im the one to wish to talk things out, etc and he won't. Itd be great for him to surprise me. Maybe with my new outlook, he will. But whatever - i need to do ehat i need for my mental wellbeing.
Hoping they will change is the problem. Currently in a situation like this in my marriage
This video is absolute gold for people who have anxiety in relationships and tend towards people pleasing. Thank you!
This is so hard, know your worth, know your boundaries, be healthy people xoxo
This came at the right time for me ❤ I have just had a breakup happen where the guy says that his school/work has gotten too busy for a relationship, but I think in the process of getting to that point he has lost respect for me. I have to choose to not let anxiety win and I had to leave that situation, putting myself first.
This is me with my ex, I literally said im afraid bringing up this “matter”and he said “then don’t”
Tell him and his arrogance to shove it! 😡
Same.
WOW! Weirdly, I knew this at the back of my mind, but how you phrased everything made it have essence on another level! People who have tension anxiety are often from backgrounds/families where there was always tension from/between their parents and they never want to experience that in their relationships. This, plus the fear of losing someone they love deeply makes them seek peace by any means necessary. Unfortunately, this costs their respect from their partner and eventual hurt. However, if someone hurts you, demoralised your standards, and does not see the wrong in it, they are not the right one for you in the first place. They will ultimately hurt you regardless of you apologising or pretending not to care to make them come back. Don't lose your standards for anyone. THANK YOU MATTHEW, you are the older brother we all need🥺👏
Have I mentioned I have listened to this 3 times simultaneously? Wow! And I plan to listen 100 times more until the core of me gets every word he is saying.
Oh boy did I need to hear this especially today. I have definitely been seeking short-term appeasement rather than long-term peace. Thank you so much for putting it into perspective for me. I've been doing this my whole life, expecting things to change. Although it's hard to admit, I realize that is up to me to make those changes and to set those boundaries. Thank you so much you have no idea what listening to this has done for my mental health.
This insight into myself helped me break off the relationship. No more crying drinking I’m back seeing friends and exploring new hobbies. I’m learning to take care of me first. That doesn’t mean I’m selfish
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I'll play this one on loop. Thank you.
That's exactly what I'm doing. Good to know that there are ppl like me around 🙏
You have just explained my situation, it is too hard for me to control myself and endure that tention
Every bit of that is top notch advice! I've done several of those myself throughout my life. Just remember self-care is not selfish! It is necessary.
This video and words are really helping me. I had the longest break up phase with a (probably) narcissist last year. Respect for me and my mentioned standards were not served but I didn't walk away and let all the horrible manipulative things happen. Him walking away and coming back whenever he wanted and I was just happy for him to come back like a dog that got mistreated so badly but still feels dependent to their owner.. The relationship developed into a power and dependency game... I wish I would have had the power to walk away and this is biggest goal now to show my borders now if anyone or the narcissist tries talking to me again. A part of me knows that I'm loveable and I want to be treated like it. I feel shocked how I let all of it happen.
You helped me heal my anxious attachment issues, Matthew, and gain things like boundaries, standards, confidence… you know, no biggie 😉
How? I need help!
@@tanjaxxx6984 look up Thais Gibson and her Personal Development School channel, she's got awesome content around attachment theory and how to fix it
You are amazing coach Matthew! You are the elder brother women need in their lives ! Thankyou ❤
Shivangi. Ur saying absolutely right.
This is spot on ME! I need to listen to this 10 times a day. My dad was a TYPE A PERSONALITY. High drive, high tension because he did or could not deal with his own issues. He used intimidation and fear. He was a policeman. We feared him. He never hit us. But it was stress and anxiety. So I internalized it and have spent my life trying to apologize my way out of most things in some form or another. In other ways I am a very strong person. When it comes to men I look for the less intense, anxious ones, a man who is laid back. But that backfires because usually the are so laid back the don't or can't give a damn. And I want to progress into a committed relationship. I like "strong" men too but I don't want to be treated like a child, bullied or disregarded. I have a great fear of rejection because I did not learn how to trust myself. I need a combination of someone who can support me emotionally and express love but I do not want to be controlled. My dad taught me that is what men do. I never wanted to get married or have children because I knew I would live a life of a single parent like my mom. This has been deeply ingrained in my brain. I am north of 50 years old and never married, no children. Now I am terribly dissatisfied with being single. Not in a hurry to run to the altar. But want a loving partner to share my life with. PLEASE HELP!
Your dad was A man, not all men. Believe that some men are capable of seeing you as an equal and deeply desirable. Otherwise you will keep finding men like your dad or men who are “safe” and not looking for partnership because it gives you the boyfriend feeling with no chance of a commitment to disrespect or leave. Aka single mom
Look up avoidant personality type. Steer clear of them
I wish I'd heard this 25 years ago! Only finally getting to this mentality now
I just walked away from a 3 month relationship. I know not long but it was brill then we had a bit of an argument and that's it the end. He withdrew from me was distant. He didn't call or text much I could just feel he was been different. I got told to chill I was deciding what he was thinking etc. Funny enough he said I'd changed which I hadn't and he blamed it on me. I ended it over message even though I asked him to answer his phone he wouldn't. I tried to reason with him tried to get him to open up told him I love him you name it I tried. He just refused to talk and said I have nothing more to say to you cause we're done. I'm upset and feeling sad but watching this video I did the right thing.
Hi Matthew, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for the past 4 years. at only 17 years old, I have encountered many past lovers that had used my disorder as an excuse to demean, gaslight and even degrade me, which in some cases, must be common among all mental health spectrum. I think if you could make a video with advice for people like myself that struggle in relationships as a whole, to find more happier ways to reflect from within and help to create an open and healthier relationship with not only just their partner but with all relationships, would be life changing. The positive impact you have on this amount and variety of viewers is incredible. which is why I think this generation needs someone with a voice like yours to discuss mental health inside relationships to spread the awareness that people can be in a fragile state while in love no matter the time scale. thanks
I’m generally anxious so I just push everyone away. If I’m gonna be alone, I’m gonna be alone. I’m too hot for this.
It always comes back to the fear of abandonment.... I'm slowly learning this.
Thanks for the poignant and enlightening content, as always!
can you do one of these about the person who is taking the anxious one for granted and never takes responsibility for anything emotionally in the relationship lol
“Sacrifice short-term appeasement for long-term peace.” I think I need to tattoo this all over my body - forehead, arms, fingers, etc. so I can always see it. People that are controlling, narcissistic, or abusive don’t want peace, they want to manipulate you. Only good people want peace and often we forget that you have to risk upsetting someone by telling the truth and setting healthy boundaries. You might be surprised with the other persons response or you might have to walk away. Being unshakable in your truth and your boundaries is not an option if you want your soul to find peace. Loved this topic! Thank you so much for sharing!
I can’t believe I’m back to your channel when I typed ”respect” in search bar.
Everything you said was right on the spot.
I just realized I mistreated myself through my partner.
I don’t know how to gain the respect back from myself not from him.
Thank you for this video
"No.3 - Go do something else " This is the best I've seen in explaining anxiety and with solid advice. Soooooo true and very well explained l! - Thank you!
Hey Matthew! I did walk away and that was it. I am sad as you are so right everything you said here. I knew that will happen and it did. Now working on healing
This! I’m so tired of feeling bad even when I know my feelings are valid. Thank you so much.
😭“When You Put Your Focus On Something ELSE, The World Looks BIGGER!”🌬️🌤️🕊️
Girls when you work on YOURSELF you have something to ESTIMATE.Thats when you start to realize that just isnt fair for me to be with such person.Thats when your self love grows.
perfect timing i needed this. I asked about the future and he shut down
My goodness, this is one the best talks I have encountered, resonated deeply.. thank you
Wow, I needed this.Thank you
I'm in a long distance relationship at the moment and the communication has faded in the past couple of weeks, we haven't seen each in a while so it's been starting to get to me. He has apologized for the lack in communication but it's one of two messages in a week. I keep thinking if I should just keep trying but like you said, Matthew. It's his move, so I think I will take a step back this week and see what he does 🌿
i did a long distance one never again too hard
One or two messages in a week? How can you even call it a relationship?
Means he just doesn’t gaf anymore. Cut him off.
@@libbynovotny9979 yes
Didn’t think I was anxious but do like to keep peace. My good nature was take for granted and eventually I got fed up and left.
I think when were scared of losing people it's a story we tell ourselves with the abandonment fear coming up to make us anxious in our minds so we believe it it almost makes the story real because the anxiety feels so real and the story we Tell ourselves feels so true in our minds I think if we stopped and pay attention to why we are anxious then figure out what story are you telling yourself we can unravel it you have to go in really deep and feel your feelings and then sit with them be okay with what comes up and once you've named the feelings you can overcome it and then tell yourself a different story because no one can abandon you if you don't abandon yourself also our minds believe what we tell it so we need to tell it a better story 🥰❤️
This video was absolutely brilliant. So thankful for you and the wisdom you share. ❤️
Matthew thank you for this video. I was about to make that mistake this week, but the individual avoided me instead. Stupid me felt bad for not trying hard enough to get the individual's attention and for waiting the right moment or opening to initiate a conversation. Later on I ended up feeling better that the interaction did not happen. Now with your video message and advice will stop me from doubting and minimize my self-respect. Your videos are a mind and heart saver. Thank you!!!
This was just what I was needing to ear before doing something that would mean bending over again and not keeping my standards! Thank you Matthew and Team you all have been the greatest team mates. Keep on because what you do and the way you do it is greatness and kindness together with powerfulness
i have been today in this exact same situation with my boyfriend, he ghosted me the entire day after we argued about something and i became obsessively anxious about it thinking it was the end and making moves out of anxiety , i regret it now but im gonna put my standards on the table from now on and be in power as well and if he's not okay with it then screw him so thank you so muuuuch
Matthew, this is such a beautiful video. I’m having a tough time with my dad not giving me the same respect I deserve and this video resonates with me. It’s true not only for a romantic relationship but also for any other relationship. ❤
Thank you for making such wonderful content, lots of love x
Brilliantly put, Matthew. I was in a similar situation, and I never realised that I was doing so much, solving all the arguments, initiating tough conversations. It messed up my mental health and self confidence. Today, I feel much more at peace. I do miss him at times. But I also understand that I needed to let go. Keep spreading your wisdom!
Thank you for this. 35 years of doing this in my marriage. Very hard to execute but I must. The longer I wait, the harder it has become.
..have you tried journaling?
Literally needed at this EXACT moment. Uncanny timing, my God😂. Thank you Matt❤️
Hey Mathew !! if you are reading this , let me tell you that you have been a sweetheart and a darling in the dating world, and it has been around two years since I have been listening to you and indeed it has helped me grow, made me realise my limitations and boundaries and most importantly " Enhanced my self esteem"
Thank you for this. Got it right in the moment when I needed it.
Love and Regards
Kritika( From INDIA) ♥️🌻♥️
I needed this tonight thank you so much I need peace I know it myself :( I hate tension and I say sorry all the time I’m honest there but I get scared a lot I’ve neglected myself :( I feel like I bring up what upsets me and what scares me and again I get lashed out at I am one who stands still. This really has helped me tonight I do struggle with abandonment I feel I don’t have any power at the moment. I needed to hear this I do get scared to tell anyone with what is going through my head. I am starting a work and health programme this week. I am putting focus at the moment in listening to people like you as you give me hope and help me feel better. I need help with tension. I cannot wait to have my call with Lottie and your help really does help me become a better me. Thank you to everyone at the team
Thank u for teaching me so much about my own self . I'm the first to always say I'm sorry. I'm getting better because you have given me so many tools through all you do. You have literally given me the perfect tools to become my secure self again after many years . I'm a very compassionate and kind ,loving person. I had to learn the difference between accepting my part and properly dealing with that, rather than I'm sorry for even their part! You hit this right on the head! ❤ love your beautiful self! You have helped me regain control over my own emotions and when they are appropriate or not. ❤ Matthew, you're a true blessing to a community who needs an honest voice, and in that, you teach us so much about our own selves as well as others, but without self awareness theirs no fixing things. I'm blessed to have u in my life daily even though it's "just" through your channel ❤️ Thank you, Matthew!!! Thank you! So much love for you and your voice!
This was so helpful. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety in my last relationship. It went exactly as you said. I was walked over for years and I allowed it. This helps so much to see a better way to handle the conflicts that arise in any relationship. Thank you.
Matthew - you have no idea how many lives you are saving. Keep up the good work
Great video and advice! My ex was the one who would always say sorry after a small fight, because she had her heart broken many times and had a lot of trust issues before she met me.
I ve seeing and listen many many videos not only English etc but Russian as well. I must say this guy is the BEST. Straight forward ,quick , talking clear and the hit subject with no bla bla bla. Clever guy. I don’t know what makes him be on our site girls 😂❤
This was very helpful. Just this weekend, someone I am casually dating, asked me out twice on different days at the last minute after I made it clear that I needed to know with time. He did not like that I said no and that he was not a planner by trade like me. Then he ignored me yesterday so today I texted him asking him if we were ok. He said yes but I still clarified to him that given that we don’t have a formal relationship as to where we can just ask each other at the last minute because we are exclusive, I needed prior notice. More than anything because my time is valuable. This was hours ago and he is quick responder so he may not be ok with what I said but I suppose that is ok. If he will not be ok with that then it’s better he is not in my life.
Have you considered the possibility, that he might have a strong romantic streak, we men who do, need to have the freedom to be spontaneous.
Edit: not that it matter with this guy, you clearly conveyed that, your not that into him.
Better luck next time!
@@thorofasgaard7405 thank you for your feedback. No I have not considered that possibility. But what you don’t know is that he is 17 years younger than me. And that we went out once in a month and the four other times he only comes to my place. I definitely want more than that. That is why I am OK if he goes. We did talk after this whole incident and we seem to be fine but again, I caught on that he wants nothing more than one thing and I want more than that. Now the issue is that I don’t want to make a big deal when I tell him this but it is a big deal to me.
So powerful: if I really need to I can lose this person and I'll be ok...
I have recently reached this conclusion on my own and I'm so happy you just reinforced it!
Thank you
OMG I`ve so needed this right now as I`m in the middle of chosing to let him go or allowing him to continue walk over me. Thank you Matthew, this video is a gem! It will help me to chose wisely.
Also love ‘sacrifice short term appeasement for long term peace’. So important. Thank you 🙏
Matthew, you don’t miss! My recent relationship was exactly this. Now I’m healing after leaving that unhealthy relationship. There are some wonderful guys who want to treat me right now- just trying to get ready to be fully available to be a new person’s partner.
Woww, looking back at relationships where i was so fearful of losing and not ready to giveup, so much so that i was ready to give up my pride instead...
The psychological point about Peace vs. Pride / Anxt vs. Comfort / Scarcity vs. Abundance - awsome! Love that eye opener
This is what I’ve been scared to do all along. It’s come down to try it out, to be strong and respect myself or I’ll never be respected and never work it out with this person. It’s terrifying, losing them. Absolutely crippling to imagine. But if I don’t, I’ll lose them either way.
Another reason why my last relationship did not work. Thank you Matthew❤
Thank you for this!! I really needed to hear this. I really suffered from anxiety in my situationship to keep the peace. Recently I had the strength to stand up for my standards and myself. He wasn’t able to step up. Now I’m trying to fill my cup up again, accept things for what they are, and move on.
I just want peace and he will never change so I will find my own way to heal and find peace . Thank you for your videos
This video felt like ur looking into my soul and telling me what i need to hear thank u matthew
Yes. It is my responsibiluty to take guilt. As a born scapegoat, it comes naturally. For example, I’ve learnt that real leaders take responsibility. In real life, it seldom hapoens that the boss takes any responsibility or know this rule. I often take responsibility from my part, but then I see that it is seen all my fault. This is complicated. Well, now I must be harder and see, that it is not all my fault.
this so right.....i have no respect for one who says sorry when they shouldn't be....