My 34 yo was out of control drinking in the house. We tried everything and finally had to tell him to leave our home. We gave him 30 days. In that time I found and listened to you. I understood that at this point we were both crazy. SO I stopped being crazy. I stopped fighting with him. Never mentioned his drinking. If he brought up his drinking Id say you will figure it out. I do believe that it did help alot. He couldn't be in a constant state of anger with me. On the 30th day he claimed he was out of control and started AA. He has been sober 11 days. Enrolled in a certification program. I now have a little beacon of a light of hope. Thank you **
@@PutTheShovelDown We've been at it a year. We finally said 30 day and your out. I think it was all perfect timing. He was at rock bottom, he knew we weren't kidding, and he wasn't happy with himself. I had been doing therapy the last few months to see what I could do differently. I worked on boundaries and blaming myself. I also did Alanon. I got alittle from everyone. But I do think without me in his ear, trying to be the good mom one day and the bad mom the next. maybe he just had time to think. Day 12 and still going to meetings. Starts cna certificate 12/10. We are very hopeful xoxo tytytytyty xo I am also continuing to listen as I still have so much to learn for us both xox
🙏Do your best to Love and take care of yourself ❤ Try not to live in fear, she is God’s child and you can’t take responsibility for her choices. God bless you.
My daughter is just 18 and has serious mental health issues on top of addiction. I had her committed once but she left treatment quickly and nothing I do helps. I've reached out for help to doctors, mental health professionals, and involved the law several times and they don't help! My daughter is dying doctors say given her physical state alone she will not likely live to see another birthday! I've tried everything seemingly and she's well aware she is bad off but refuses help. I've got documented proof of her addiction and mental illness from doctors, hospitals, and EMTs to having text, audio, and video proof of her struggle and yet here I am drowning trying to save my daughter's life and no one will help me! I'm exhausted with my own physical and mental health and yet still trying to help her! I'm at a total loss.
But there are no natural consequences for him 😩! He’s highly functional and has kept it together for the last 6 years. Our marriage is the only thing suffering, and he acts indifferent to that. He can be withdrawn from family functions. Some family members know, but no one says anything to him. I feel compelled to create some consequences for him, or this could go on forever if I just sit around waiting.
I think you bring up an excellent point. Mental health professional here, and I would love to get Amber's input on what I am saying, as she has loads of experience in this area. When working with couples and families, I've frequently recommended that affected family members and partners work with a professional to identify what personal boundaries are being violated by tolerating "functional" addiction in the home. And while we can't make someone change their behavior, we can certainly set boundaries regarding our own continued participation in a relationship where a partner cannot be fully engaged in a healthy way the majority of the time. Indifference is often more toxic than ongoing hostile behavior, as the latter represents some form of connection or emotional intensity. Indifference represents the absence of connection, emotion, attachment, or any combination thereof. We're all 100% responsible for the energy we bring to any relationship/home. Amber, love your channel and I learn so much from you!
Thank you Amber! My daughter is definitely in that first category. She just had an incident with her car this morning. I really needed to hear this today ❤
thanks Amber, you are on the ball, very consistent n responsible!.These arent easy or enjoyable subjects but you seem to point to dealin wth stuff in the long haul, that is the reality you are a good rescourse, Goodonya
Thank you, Amber. Very helpful information, as always. . I just recently learned about calling 988 for a mental health crisis rather than 911 so the response comes from people trained in suicide prevention/crisis intervention.
I have a question. Maybe someone can offer some suggestions. I need some help EXCLUDING my adult alcoholic son who lives with me from family stuff. My birthday/Mother’s Day /holidays have been miserable for years because his drinking is so embarrassing & he often uses these gathering as an opportunity to lash out at me. This year, after he moved in, I spent the whole weekend of my birthday isolating & sobbing & fighting with everyone else in my household. I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I want my life back. I want to go out with EVERYONE else except him & we want to enjoy ourselves. Him living with us has made it harder. But we don’t want to hurt him, but we also want to do fun things.
We live in a state where a third DUI lands you in jail and you lose your license forever. My HA has two DUIs. He is very high functioning alcoholic in denial. He still drinks and drives, to what extent I am not sure. But it makes it SO hard to follow your advice to let the consequences happen. It’s even possible that our assets could be lost if he injures or kills someone. I have talked to our financial advisor about this, because I think our assets would be safer in my name. -Without divorce. It’s very sad but I am a pragmatic person. He attends SMART about once a week online, but he drove with whiskey on board today. That’s different than going out back with a bottle. I hope you u derstand why it is xtra hard for me to keep cool. There is SO much on the line. But I know it doesn’t help when I get angry. (I get less angry than I used to, thanks to your channel.) Any advice is appreciated.
My sister and her entire family are alcohol dependent. She groomed her kids early to drink. I’ve tried to recognize the symptoms from the distance like how she is defensive, or their friends are dependent on drinking, etc. her voice gets loud over the course of evening. Everything involves alcohol. I don’t drink and neither does my husband and this creates discomfort and distance between us all.
My cousin is in the first category that you mentioned. Functional. However….. Is it normal for someone who is addicted to their ADHD medication to switch to a non ADHD drug as a way to cope with their ADHD before they start down the road of wanting to stop or no? I’m just trying to figure out more of a plan. I’ve just gotten it to where he has started asking me how I’m doing. I think that the connection between my cousin and I is has helped somewhat to focus on something else. Once a few weeks after my mom passed away last year, he was experiencing withdrawal symptoms from whatever he was taking. And he mentioned suicide. And then again, while he was on the phone with his wife, who is also an addict. (She used to be a pharmacy technician). But that I know of he has mentioned it since. So I don’t know if he has tried that, or what. I just really hope that he isn’t talking like that anymore. He’s my dear cousin, and I don’t want to lose him that way. I text him once a week to see how things are going for him.
I’m frustrated and feel like I’m waiting for my cousin/best friend to hit rock bottom. I can’t explain in words how I feel but I know it’s how everyone else feels.
What to do in cases when someone is still 50% functional but out of denial, but is still denying rehab and is only ready for counselling/coaching? White knuckled quitting a few times.
Thank you so much for your videos! My daughter has struggled with addiction for many years. We are trying to help her overcome her addiction to marijuana. A question I have is, she's been sober for over a month now but constantly complains about pain and wanting to smoke to releave the pain, how should I handle this?
I will say that we are dealing with this with a family member and despite having proof of being a danger to themselves, the doctors and therapists will not talk to you, return phone calls, or listen or look at any proof if the adult does not give them permission. We have reached out for help several times, had Emergency Orders put into place, only for a "therapist" determine in less then an hour that there is no threat by only talking to them and not the family that has been screaming for help for over a year. The mental health system in this country is broken...especially when a nurse told me that a therapist that has only seen a patient once can override the doctor's recommendation. It truly comes down to whether or not the person wants help, because otherwise, it's like slamming your head into a wall.
It’s the same problem in Canada. No help for mental health unless the person needing the help is functioning well enough to ask for it, makes and keeps appointments, follows through etc.
What if someone had hit the bottom with mental health consequences, and after initial steps to recovery from acute mental health got back to using, but got a job and maintained having a job for several months. The use continues, the denial continues. Is this to wait for another set of natural consequences?
I LOVE your videos! They are so Helpful!!! I was writing about obsession and how to turn it into something positive:-) In my writing I referenced put the shovel down, but short hand PTSD 😍 so wild :)! You have probably already noticed that:), but it just made feel so happy and was such a little surprise PTSD, perfect😊 Thank you sooo much!!!!! Your channel has changed my life, saved my life, in so many ways!!!! Helped me get out of the PTSD response🙂 I was going crazy loving and alcoholic and watching your videos had made such a Huge difference in our lives:):)! Thank you sooo much!!!!
My 34 yo was out of control drinking in the house. We tried everything and finally had to tell him to leave our home. We gave him 30 days. In that time I found and listened to you. I understood that at this point we were both crazy. SO I stopped being crazy. I stopped fighting with him. Never mentioned his drinking. If he brought up his drinking Id say you will figure it out. I do believe that it did help alot. He couldn't be in a constant state of anger with me. On the 30th day he claimed he was out of control and started AA. He has been sober 11 days. Enrolled in a certification program. I now have a little beacon of a light of hope. Thank you **
That’s so wonderful! Reading this just made my day. I’m so proud for you. Nice work. That’s a quick turn around
@@PutTheShovelDown We've been at it a year. We finally said 30 day and your out. I think it was all perfect timing. He was at rock bottom, he knew we weren't kidding, and he wasn't happy with himself. I had been doing therapy the last few months to see what I could do differently. I worked on boundaries and blaming myself. I also did Alanon. I got alittle from everyone. But I do think without me in his ear, trying to be the good mom one day and the bad mom the next. maybe he just had time to think. Day 12 and still going to meetings. Starts cna certificate 12/10. We are very hopeful xoxo tytytytyty xo I am also continuing to listen as I still have so much to learn for us both xox
It doesn’t matter how kind and loving I am one word about it and my mom rages at me I don’t want her to die she’s been drinking for 24 years
🙏Do your best to Love and take care of yourself ❤ Try not to live in fear, she is God’s child and you can’t take responsibility for her choices. God bless you.
My daughter is just 18 and has serious mental health issues on top of addiction. I had her committed once but she left treatment quickly and nothing I do helps. I've reached out for help to doctors, mental health professionals, and involved the law several times and they don't help! My daughter is dying doctors say given her physical state alone she will not likely live to see another birthday! I've tried everything seemingly and she's well aware she is bad off but refuses help. I've got documented proof of her addiction and mental illness from doctors, hospitals, and EMTs to having text, audio, and video proof of her struggle and yet here I am drowning trying to save my daughter's life and no one will help me! I'm exhausted with my own physical and mental health and yet still trying to help her! I'm at a total loss.
But there are no natural consequences for him 😩! He’s highly functional and has kept it together for the last 6 years. Our marriage is the only thing suffering, and he acts indifferent to that. He can be withdrawn from family functions. Some family members know, but no one says anything to him. I feel compelled to create some consequences for him, or this could go on forever if I just sit around waiting.
I think you bring up an excellent point. Mental health professional here, and I would love to get Amber's input on what I am saying, as she has loads of experience in this area. When working with couples and families, I've frequently recommended that affected family members and partners work with a professional to identify what personal boundaries are being violated by tolerating "functional" addiction in the home. And while we can't make someone change their behavior, we can certainly set boundaries regarding our own continued participation in a relationship where a partner cannot be fully engaged in a healthy way the majority of the time. Indifference is often more toxic than ongoing hostile behavior, as the latter represents some form of connection or emotional intensity. Indifference represents the absence of connection, emotion, attachment, or any combination thereof. We're all 100% responsible for the energy we bring to any relationship/home. Amber, love your channel and I learn so much from you!
Thank you for this comment
I can relate!
Thank you Amber! My daughter is definitely in that first category. She just had an incident with her car this morning. I really needed to hear this today ❤
thanks Amber, you are on the ball, very consistent n responsible!.These arent easy or enjoyable subjects but you seem to point to dealin wth stuff in the long haul, that is the reality you are a good rescourse, Goodonya
Thank you, Amber. Very helpful information, as always. . I just recently learned about calling 988 for a mental health crisis rather than 911 so the response comes from people trained in suicide prevention/crisis intervention.
I have a question. Maybe someone can offer some suggestions. I need some help EXCLUDING my adult alcoholic son who lives with me from family stuff. My birthday/Mother’s Day /holidays have been miserable for years because his drinking is so embarrassing & he often uses these gathering as an opportunity to lash out at me. This year, after he moved in, I spent the whole weekend of my birthday isolating & sobbing & fighting with everyone else in my household. I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I want my life back. I want to go out with EVERYONE else except him & we want to enjoy ourselves. Him living with us has made it harder. But we don’t want to hurt him, but we also want to do fun things.
We live in a state where a third DUI lands you in jail and you lose your license forever. My HA has two DUIs. He is very high functioning alcoholic in denial. He still drinks and drives, to what extent I am not sure. But it makes it SO hard to follow your advice to let the consequences happen. It’s even possible that our assets could be lost if he injures or kills someone. I have talked to our financial advisor about this, because I think our assets would be safer in my name. -Without divorce. It’s very sad but I am a pragmatic person. He attends SMART about once a week online, but he drove with whiskey on board today. That’s different than going out back with a bottle.
I hope you u derstand why it is xtra hard for me to keep cool. There is SO much on the line. But I know it doesn’t help when I get angry. (I get less angry than I used to, thanks to your channel.) Any advice is appreciated.
My sister and her entire family are alcohol dependent. She groomed her kids early to drink. I’ve tried to recognize the symptoms from the distance like how she is defensive, or their friends are dependent on drinking, etc. her voice gets loud over the course of evening. Everything involves alcohol. I don’t drink and neither does my husband and this creates discomfort and distance between us all.
My cousin is in the first category that you mentioned. Functional. However…..
Is it normal for someone who is addicted to their ADHD medication to switch to a non ADHD drug as a way to cope with their ADHD before they start down the road of wanting to stop or no? I’m just trying to figure out more of a plan. I’ve just gotten it to where he has started asking me how I’m doing.
I think that the connection between my cousin and I is has helped somewhat to focus on something else. Once a few weeks after my mom passed away last year, he was experiencing withdrawal symptoms from whatever he was taking. And he mentioned suicide. And then again, while he was on the phone with his wife, who is also an addict. (She used to be a pharmacy technician).
But that I know of he has mentioned it since. So I don’t know if he has tried that, or what. I just really hope that he isn’t talking like that anymore. He’s my dear cousin, and I don’t want to lose him that way. I text him once a week to see how things are going for him.
I’m frustrated and feel like I’m waiting for my cousin/best friend to hit rock bottom. I can’t explain in words how I feel but I know it’s how everyone else feels.
What to do in cases when someone is still 50% functional but out of denial, but is still denying rehab and is only ready for counselling/coaching? White knuckled quitting a few times.
Recovery is a process and it is in progress.
Thank you so much for your videos! My daughter has struggled with addiction for many years. We are trying to help her overcome her addiction to marijuana. A question I have is, she's been sober for over a month now but constantly complains about pain and wanting to smoke to releave the pain, how should I handle this?
We are dealing with a marijuana addicted daughter, but people act like it’s not a problem.
I will say that we are dealing with this with a family member and despite having proof of being a danger to themselves, the doctors and therapists will not talk to you, return phone calls, or listen or look at any proof if the adult does not give them permission. We have reached out for help several times, had Emergency Orders put into place, only for a "therapist" determine in less then an hour that there is no threat by only talking to them and not the family that has been screaming for help for over a year. The mental health system in this country is broken...especially when a nurse told me that a therapist that has only seen a patient once can override the doctor's recommendation. It truly comes down to whether or not the person wants help, because otherwise, it's like slamming your head into a wall.
It’s the same problem in Canada. No help for mental health unless the person needing the help is functioning well enough to ask for it, makes and keeps appointments, follows through etc.
What if someone had hit the bottom with mental health consequences, and after initial steps to recovery from acute mental health got back to using, but got a job and maintained having a job for several months. The use continues, the denial continues. Is this to wait for another set of natural consequences?
I LOVE your videos! They are so Helpful!!!
I was writing about obsession and how to turn it into something positive:-)
In my writing I referenced put the shovel down, but short hand PTSD
😍 so wild :)! You have probably already noticed that:), but it just made feel so happy and was such a little surprise
PTSD, perfect😊
Thank you sooo much!!!!! Your channel has changed my life, saved my life, in so many ways!!!!
Helped me get out of the PTSD response🙂
I was going crazy loving and alcoholic and watching your videos had made such a Huge difference in our lives:):)!
Thank you sooo much!!!!
Thank you, Rebekah, for your kind words of support!