Narcissist Insider’s View of Shared Fantasy (Narcissist and Partner)

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  • Опубліковано 21 гру 2024

КОМЕНТАРІ • 122

  • @dkwduke
    @dkwduke 4 роки тому +124

    I have to wonder how his wife and past 26 relationships view this video as they have lived it and see both sides: their own and his. This video helps “normal” people understand how the narc’s brain works for something that seems so “un” understandable to us. Sam’s work is the only thing that has helped me to understand and helped me move on

  • @simonefurst949
    @simonefurst949 4 роки тому +162

    this absolute analytical honesty is mindblowing.

    • @delmarayjr
      @delmarayjr 4 роки тому +25

      fearless dude

    • @onxiaftw
      @onxiaftw 4 роки тому +9

      more like it is narcisistic

    • @krfo3561
      @krfo3561 3 роки тому +1

      @@onxiaftw 🤣🤣

    • @krfo3561
      @krfo3561 3 роки тому +5

      @@Otonium it's TRUTH. these days its Never seen!! The bravery is so impressive

    • @Kangaroo211
      @Kangaroo211 8 місяців тому

      So so courageous 😢

  • @kimalexander8276
    @kimalexander8276 4 роки тому +57

    Your honesty and vulnerability is so refreshing. You have no idea how much your work is appreciated and how much it has helped in my journey of understanding and healing 🌹

  • @lilittle920
    @lilittle920 4 роки тому +21

    Your description of sex with a narcissist is SPOT ON.

  • @MS-AllThingsWild
    @MS-AllThingsWild Рік тому +8

    "Self styled empathy (covert narcissists)" Lol, love it!

  • @niajuita7424
    @niajuita7424 3 роки тому +6

    Your channel is AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGG Prof..i loveeeee all your superb videos..im the victim of the NARC..i had done my greatest ESCAPE after the 18 months of a toxic relationship with the NARC..thank u so muchhhhhhh Prof Vaknin..well doneeeeee..

  • @patricialk4996
    @patricialk4996 4 роки тому +8

    Dr. Vaknin, Just, Wow! Thank you for just giving real facts and not sensationalizing this terrible disorder.

  • @zima3181
    @zima3181 4 роки тому +18

    This helps me to understand so much. Not just my screwed up relationships, but why I attract and was getting attracted to those people (in both genders). Most importantly, though, it shed the light on my parents' relationship dynamics, which shaped my own. ...I am not sure if I can learn to have attraction to the mentally healthy people. Sometimes it feels like I stuck in craving "the excitement", because I don't know how to be otherwise.

  • @velmadenton3254
    @velmadenton3254 4 роки тому +20

    Two Words! Rabidity and Candor! I know of no one else on this planet with your COURAGEOUSNESS to splay out their inner narcissism views!

  • @tinapatton9570
    @tinapatton9570 4 роки тому +11

    Thank you 🙏🏻 Sam
    I appreciate the authenticity and truth !

  • @caridimarzio8804
    @caridimarzio8804 4 роки тому +6

    Thanks so much for your honesty. This was very interesting.

  • @saraaaa1986
    @saraaaa1986 4 роки тому +12

    I can't thank you enough for this 🙏🏻

  • @christinabeita5671
    @christinabeita5671 4 роки тому +28

    Can you make more video on somatic shared fantasy,more details, please?
    Im a big fan,Sam. Thank you for your work.

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +35

      Will do.

    • @kimerietate8372
      @kimerietate8372 4 роки тому +12

      Could you possibly speak to the narcissist's one day declaring eternal love, then literally THE NEXT DAY, stating his INDIFFERENCE?

  • @Mark-gw3ui
    @Mark-gw3ui Рік тому +7

    My favorite word ever that you say ‘mastubatory’ 😂 12:18

  • @kundalinigirl6816
    @kundalinigirl6816 4 роки тому +41

    Minnie can't win between her main guy with histrionic world fame...and you with your intriguing bitter charm, peptide inducing high IQ and ravishing good looks.... she really needs to do her shadow work 😁😆😅 All kidding aside, as always, your videos are profound with wisdom, humor and healing. Thank you.

  • @deezee3919
    @deezee3919 4 роки тому +6

    Sam I m hooked to your channel can't stop listening to u over and over again we broke up and then another narc came into my life but I recognized the traits and end it within a week now both my excess are together I think they are good for each other thank God & you

  • @cameogutierrez3466
    @cameogutierrez3466 11 місяців тому +1

    Thank you Sam ❤

  • @jasnanelson912
    @jasnanelson912 7 місяців тому +5

    Can a shared phantasy be a child initiated by him to secure safety as a supply?
    Thanks

  • @shugababy517
    @shugababy517 4 роки тому +18

    Do you hoover after mortifications?

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +30

      No. Narcissist never hoover after true mortification.

  • @sandrafiorettiloughlin1023
    @sandrafiorettiloughlin1023 4 роки тому +3

    Your enlightenment could not be categorized under the term “modicum” to anyone with any assemblance of intelligence or desire for the truth. And thank you for your refusal to play in the proverbial pile of shit others are all too happy to roll in.

  • @kareem1878
    @kareem1878 4 роки тому +20

    Dr. Vaknin, I've watched most of your videos and I wanted to ask what is the distinct difference that separates a narcissistic personality from a borderline? I can't pinpoint it because they are quite similar, they both have a fear of abandonment, or have episodes of intense anger or outbursts, both require attention, insecure etc.
    I wanted your perspective on this as I've researched everywhere.

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +24

      samvak.tripod.com/faq82.html

    • @kareem1878
      @kareem1878 4 роки тому +8

      @@samvaknin Insightful information- this is exactly what I was looking for, thank you.

  • @cindyk4324
    @cindyk4324 4 роки тому +2

    Wow. Thank you, Dr. Sam.

  • @miamakilaartist
    @miamakilaartist 4 роки тому +10

    What was that defense called, that you talked about? The one where the narcissist needs to shift blame to an external mortification. I have tried to google what I think it sounded like but with no luck because I didn't quite hear how the word would be spelled. 😊 Great video as always, thanks for sharing yourself so openly.

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +17

      Alloplastic defense. The opposite is autoplastic defense.

    • @miamakilaartist
      @miamakilaartist 4 роки тому +4

      @@samvaknin That's it, thanks! 😊

  • @MrChristian1506
    @MrChristian1506 4 місяці тому +2

    @samvaknin Professor regarding topic of this video is hard for me to understand what would be the point of view in case of female narcissist? Does it applies that she would be gender neutral and not know how to be a women? Does it change dynamics somehow if it’s female narcissist?

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 місяці тому +1

      There are no psychodynamic differences between female and male narcissists.

  • @gordanaginamihajlovska6125
    @gordanaginamihajlovska6125 Рік тому +2

    Go, Sam... I am grateful to the internet for revealing the mediocrity that lay hidden.

  • @solveigrose5537
    @solveigrose5537 4 роки тому +6

    The first three minutes in and I already have serious problems containing my laughing like crazy..

  • @renateamrhein7672
    @renateamrhein7672 Рік тому +1

    I like this sense of humour!

  • @evka24
    @evka24 4 роки тому +6

    thats well funny introduction....:) hahaha..love your sense of humour

  • @craftershope
    @craftershope 10 днів тому

    Thanks, I found the grounding to my mess

  • @EEIJ
    @EEIJ 4 роки тому +7

    Will a narcissist hoover his ex after the bargaining phase. When he’s the one who pushed her to leave him?

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +12

      Yes, if she did not mortify him. Though in rare cases, even if mortification had occurred, if he blames himself for what had happened (internal mortification), he may try to hoover.

    • @EEIJ
      @EEIJ 4 роки тому +3

      Sam Vaknin thanks for replying. You helped alot

  • @beija-florchloe1673
    @beija-florchloe1673 3 роки тому +2

    Dr. Vaknin, When she starts making demands and you want her gone. Do you feel like by accepting the demands or making compromises, it makes you weak? Like she is then controlling the outcomes.

  • @user-yg9iz6hx7c
    @user-yg9iz6hx7c 4 роки тому +9

    Dear Professor Vaknin,
    This monologue could become an amazing material for the theater play.
    In the style of the ‘De Profundis’ by Oscar Wilde.

  • @e.k9358
    @e.k9358 4 роки тому +7

    Prof.Vaknin, do we tell a narcissist, that he is a narcissist? I have met a man, whose personality had puzzled and intrigued me from the start. It felt deeply unsettling to be with him, but i was curious to understand who he is. When i came across your channel , all pieces of the puzzle came together. The resemblance is uncanny , thats how, what you are describing, fits his personality, words, behavior. Every little detail. I like my narcissist, but i am not emotionally invested in him, he is rather like a friend, wise adviser, occasional lover. He is decent and honest, in his own way, compared to lots of ordinary people. He knows that he is different, but he doesn't know exactly in what way. He had introduced himself as a Little Prince, when we met. He is cerebral narcissist. Very intelligent. If i don't tell him, would i be able to manipulate him in his game and be safe from being affected by destructive influence? Thank you for the channel. I had many many hours of entranced listening. It is an eye opener into the human minds. And it raised questions about my own way of thinking and behavior, as well as some other people.

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +13

      You are not qualified or trained to diagnose anyone with any mental health disorder. Your comment sounds suspiciously grandiose. I wonder just who is the real narcissist.

    • @e.k9358
      @e.k9358 4 роки тому +8

      Yes, that's true. It made me question myself. I now look at some of my immature attitude , analytical tendencies and lack of compassion and inherent overconfidence as congruent with narcissistic traits. I would say, i am too childish and independent for my age. I am in my mid forties and somehow managed to have family and four children.
      But as much as i try, i do not fit all criteria of a classical narcissist. According to your lectures.
      But the question is, my friend is not going to go anywhere to get analyzed. He is too removed from this world into himself.
      I was only wondering if it may help him understand himself better if i gave him a clue in which direction to look.
      Unfortunately i cannot refer him to your lectures, as he is spanish and doesn't speak english.
      Also, i would say, my supposed understanding into the working of his mind, is helping me to stand back and not take things personally, as well as keeping me safe from getting more deeply emotionally connected with him. ( on my part, of course).

  • @peaceshanty
    @peaceshanty 4 роки тому +8

    Sam, this is great. So if a narc has both a sexless mother partner and a borderline type partner, will he be able to keep the borderline going or will he eventually abandon her to rest easy with mother? This would be the best of both worlds for the narcissist, wouldn't it, to have them both?

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +14

      Only as long as he is somatic.

    • @peaceshanty
      @peaceshanty 4 роки тому +3

      Thanks so much for your response and your work.

    • @summerdaze1976
      @summerdaze1976 4 роки тому +4

      Trust this borderline. He discards.

  • @bb91
    @bb91 4 роки тому +5

    Sam I have a question. After I decided to broke up with my ex partener and he realised that this time there is no way back, for the first time at the end I told him that our sex life was very bad (exactly as you decribed it) and he started acussing me and telling everyone that I was bisexual or sometimes lesbian and used him as a cover so people wouldnt see that from me. Do you think that actually he was bisexual and he was acussing me of that because he was actually opressing that?

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +9

      How would I know?

    • @bb91
      @bb91 4 роки тому +3

      @@samvaknin of course you wouldnt know, maybe I put The question bad and I wanted to find out your point of view because you are a person with a vast knowledge regarding.

  • @Otonium
    @Otonium 4 роки тому +5

    Question: How to escape? How to leave? It's hard and advise is welcome. Could you address this issue that affects thousands and there are not information. They just say: leave silently. - it's not that easy, narcissists are cunning.
    Very interesting insights, I follow all the videos and trying to catch-up with old ones.
    Edit: the best ideas to not get hurt or savotaged.

    • @Otonium
      @Otonium 4 роки тому +1

      @@winros3042 I'm looking for it, but no luck. If you can copy and paste it I would really appreciate it. I've found some videos re this topic by the Professor. But please share your comment again. This information is crucial for me (and others). It's a dangerous situation (in the sense that they boycott my enterprises, relationships, etc.). Thanks Ros!

    • @Otonium
      @Otonium 4 роки тому +1

      @@winros3042 Yes, I have friends. and it's not that serious or urgent in the sense that It's just the typical slow mental manipulation and related techniques from the narcissists that I need to evade...
      I go to both Psychologists and more (years of therapy).
      But, I can't still find a way to break-thru.
      I always need an professional expert opinion, like the ones I found in this channel with the Professor and books like the ones that he mention. Most people just doesn't get it. I don't blame them, it's hard to explain.

  • @judithoketch4332
    @judithoketch4332 4 роки тому +11

    100% correct. Nothing else but the whole truth

  • @tamarag9478
    @tamarag9478 4 роки тому +2

    What happens after the mortification i.e. is my ex who after a long marriage, multiple breakups and finally a bad divorce that all look exactly like the mess you describe is suddenly being overly friendly and trying to be unusually helpful even insisting to do stuff together with common small children simply being good for the kids or is that hoovering and establishing a new shared fantasy now. There is a short video about not being able to be friends with a narcissist after a divorce but maybe you can talk a bit more about what hoovering is and isn’t. Is it possible for them to just want to be friendly for the sake of the kids? I am confused.

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +7

      Do your homework and search the channel for hoovering. Wasting my time is discourteous. More to the point: hoovering is rare after mortification unless the narcissist blames himself for what had happened (rare, internal mortification)

  • @gabriellechabot-giroux8050
    @gabriellechabot-giroux8050 3 роки тому +1

    Hello Prof Vadkin, would you say a transgender narcissistic man (born and raised as a woman) be more mysogynistic? I would like to understand my relationship with my ex partner who transitioned while we were a commited relationship...thank you

  • @chvoug2963
    @chvoug2963 4 роки тому +3

    וואו תודה ... יש את ההרצאות שלך בעברית ?

  • @82472tclt
    @82472tclt 4 роки тому +2

    What is the difference (if there is one) between the experience of being “deeply seen” one has in interpersonal intimacy and narcissistic mirroring?

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +6

      Mirroring is goal-oriented (to supply or to manipulate).

    • @82472tclt
      @82472tclt 4 роки тому +2

      @@samvaknin Clear. Thank you. I'm doing some work looking a nihilism on an existential level (Heidegger) and listening to your videos has me wonder if narcissism is a psychological expression of this implicit nihilism of our age?

    • @82472tclt
      @82472tclt 4 роки тому +2

      Specifically the sense of emptiness that seems to drive the reflexive drive for supply?

  • @adest5672
    @adest5672 4 роки тому +11

    I believe you when you say you are a Narcissist because you are so appealing...

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +16

      You ought to wear your glasses when you watch UA-cam.

    • @seviyorim
      @seviyorim 4 роки тому +5

      The interpretation belies a bias towards looks-based appreciation . I believe “Appealing” is a more open term.

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +15

      You have a point there, sugar punch.

  • @mandistanke6387
    @mandistanke6387 3 роки тому +2

    You are really so funny! 🤭🤗😆

  • @ampgorky
    @ampgorky 4 роки тому +6

    Shout out to all my Dreyfusards and Dreyfusardettes ;p

  • @marcellomiller8459
    @marcellomiller8459 4 роки тому +2

    My ex narcissist damaged life and I’m finally moving on. She is getting ahold of him friends, family and stuff. She is also creating fake profiles to get back into my Life. She is a sociopath, but I oddly loved her. Do you think the relationship is doomed? What should I do? She has hoovered me three times and let me down every time. She was awful.

  • @AlsoIHateDonuts
    @AlsoIHateDonuts 4 роки тому +5

    Thanks for calling out the politicians! 🤣🤣🤣

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +4

      Watch my very recent vid about narcopath leaders.

    • @AlsoIHateDonuts
      @AlsoIHateDonuts 4 роки тому +1

      @@samvaknin On my way!

  • @fleeyourmind2753
    @fleeyourmind2753 3 роки тому

    Ersatz Erudition! Thank you.

  • @aysenaltunay443
    @aysenaltunay443 4 роки тому

    Dr.Vaknin i have question,this question is out of topic but i cant find the proper any other place to ask,i came across a person and she acts like a butch sometimes but sometimes she becomes very hot attractive feminine woman,sometime she has more masculine clothing and behaviours and sometime all feminine,is this bisexulaity?in that sense i found homesuxality is more firm and consistent but if bisexulaity is this,it is weird and kind of a sick,i couldnt understand this person's psychology,she has psycopatic and narsistic traits also,she is like a robot and very secretive,she doesnt give any information about her life and herself and she is very distant but she is like close from a very subtle dimension as if she is trying to hypnotize.this thing is not like dissociative,she uses same name and conscious all the time but the polarities about her sexuality seems something more than bisexulaity,what is this thing?do you have any idea Dr.Vaknin?with my all respects and love 🙏♥️

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +7

      Bisexuality is a sexual orientation: being equally sexually attracted to both sexes. How you dress and behave is irrelevant.

    • @evka24
      @evka24 4 роки тому +1

      maybe u r bisexual and u find her freedom fascinating and brave.... why to be so fascinated by bad personality...? focus on good people..or ask her direct questions

    • @aysenaltunay443
      @aysenaltunay443 4 роки тому

      @@samvaknin Thank you Dr.Vaknin for your answer🙏 probably it is complicated and impossible to understand by asking on UA-cam,thank you again,wish you a happy day☺️♥️🙏

    • @aysenaltunay443
      @aysenaltunay443 4 роки тому +1

      @@evka24 you thought that i am a homofobic,but i am really not a bisexual and i dont judge anyone,i just couldnt understand this lady's situaion,and as doctor answerd above it's not about bisexulaity,its something else but i couldnt understand.

    • @evka24
      @evka24 4 роки тому +1

      Aysen Altunay 👍

  • @jackiebattisto4927
    @jackiebattisto4927 Рік тому +2

    My husband is full blown BPD. His ex wife is a covert narcissist addicted to money and prestige. She has pathological entitlement issues. She knew he couldn’t deal with the divorce and signed the contract without reading it. They are both lawyers. Ugggh. She got him for almost 7,000 per month for 17 years. Plus college for the three sons that have not called him in 10 years. His parents left them money for school but ex wife entitlement psychopath must have their money too. She stays in a tear down in the most prestigious neighborhood. She spends all his money on it so none is left for the kids. Now they are adults . She used her child support to keep his million dollar life insurance. He never got the promotion he was expecting. He lost his job. We’ve struggled for years in hundred of thousands in debt. She lives pay check to pay check next to a 25 million dollar estate. She just took us back to court and got 70% of his salary for 4 more years. He will be 69. There is no time to catch up.
    There is a GOD. I found she’s stolen 40 of OUR checks. Got caught in 2020 and admitted to one. I found the other 38 on my own. My BOD husband doesn’t understand that I tail against him putting her first. I’m sick of him always saying he hates her. And then is always on her side.
    Any suggestions? I thought the Narc was bad. I’m being double teamed now !

  • @huandru
    @huandru 4 роки тому +6

    Dr. Vaknin. Two points. First, you don't think that you are fulfilling the traditional/evolutionary role of a man and can only play act it. However temporary or (in)adequate you are in the role, your partner's perceptions count for something-- perhaps more than yours. If your life were a Wikipedia page, *everyone's opinion but yours* would be allowed. Second, men who are young in years, use older men as role models. These young men 'fake it until they make it'. What difference does it make if this furtive developmental process starts in adulthood? Are you saying that there's a point when it is too late to change? A leopard can't change its spots, but leopards don't make cool UA-cam videos. Fuck leopards! LOL
    Much thanks!

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +11

      My partner’s perception is that I am not a man. Gender roles cannot be acquired beyond a certain age (adolescence). Young people do not acquire gender roles by faking samvak.tripod.com/sexgender.html

    • @huandru
      @huandru 4 роки тому +3

      @@samvaknin Thank you for your helpful videos.
      I have to rethink my assumptions. As a teacher, I hope my students have boundless mental plasticity--and growth potential. Deep down, I know it isn't so.

  • @gland5848
    @gland5848 4 роки тому +12

    I googled it. Give me a 🍪.

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +17

      I give cookies only to the cookie monster. But well done, my child, well done. How does it feel, to be self-sufficient for a change?

    • @gland5848
      @gland5848 4 роки тому +7

      @@samvaknin it is the best.

  • @mechanicalmisfit5264
    @mechanicalmisfit5264 3 роки тому

    Professor...your girl is broken too. If she thinks your supposed to be intelligent alpha and a MMA champion is insane.

  • @sohinibanerjee9617
    @sohinibanerjee9617 4 роки тому +12

    Can I learn to be a psychopath? Life would be so much easier.

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +24

      No more than you can learn to be a non-psychopath. it is not a video game or a skill: you don’t “learn” it and “get better” at it. It is an entire personality with hundreds of moving, interlocking parts.

    • @sohinibanerjee9617
      @sohinibanerjee9617 4 роки тому +3

      @@samvaknin you broke my heart💔

    • @josephbutler4119
      @josephbutler4119 4 роки тому +1

      @@samvaknin How would one tell the difference between someone with NPD(or ASPD) and an individual with limited empathy (ASD, alexithymia, whatever), knowledgeable about the disorders in question and a convincing actor? Asking for a friend. :)

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +18

      You would tell the difference by listening to my videos and not wasting my time.

    • @josephbutler4119
      @josephbutler4119 4 роки тому +3

      @@samvaknin I've done both now! Very entertaining. I believe that, since the false self is a well practiced performance, that it's nothing special. If an imitator is of equal or greater intelligence than the targeted narcissist, it is akin to a biological Turing test. If one is functionally identical to to a psychopath, they pass. Not even you can see what is in another's box.
      PS:
      Sincere thanks for your content over the years, you have assisted with understanding most (likely all) of my past relationships, Sam. This is no small feat, so you can have your kudos. The first supply is free, you're welcome!

  • @zanetta6694
    @zanetta6694 4 роки тому

    Threat accepted

  • @jackiebattisto4927
    @jackiebattisto4927 Рік тому

    And my narc dated 200 “girls”. I have hu😮the blog address sh you. Want it or