How to Speak Up for Yourself!
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- Опубліковано 20 чер 2024
- For some reason being assertive always gets lumped in with being aggressive.. Or being a jerk. But trust me, being assertive is something completely different! Being assertive is when you are able to stand up for yourself (or others in your life) without being aggressive, or being passive and accepting something that’s hurtful or not right for you. And we do all of this calmly with a positive goal in mind.
1. Self talk 2. Boundaries 3. Notice your triggers 4. Write it out and practice
5. Start small 6. Ask questions 7. You can disagree 8. Compromise 9. Toxic people do exist.
My video about saying no: • It's hard to say NO
I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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At 55 I am learning how to speak up for myself.. I have been a doormat my whole life... How sad.. But I am finally finding my voice......
Me, too. A scapegoat, too. Groomed for this by the narcissist since I was a kid: disaster.
@@jackilynpyzocha662 Me three! 🙋♀️
@@jackilynpyzocha662me too! 😢
Best wishes for you ❤️
I'm the same and I'm glad I'm speaking up now 😊😊😊
At 27 I'm still working on this, I want to express my emotions without hurting other people's feelings.
A whisper of Patricia same! Im 26 and thought that once I was an adult in a career job I would just start asserting myself and being confident but that hasn’t come naturally...
I am too!! I can sometimes do it, but others times it's so hard! I hope these tips are helpful :) xoxo
@@Katimorton I'm permanently subscribed to this channel.💛
A whisper of Patricia Welcome to the Community!
Me too. Almost 30 and still struggling uhg
*My main thing? Have your own opinion and say what you want, but listen to others...*
Too many people take assertiveness for being cocky.
YES, It means to explain while still respectful to listening..
Also people don’t like to be told no. Being assertive is making boundaries. If you don’t do what others want they will call you names. I know a few folks who only talk to me when they need something. I don’t do things for them and they don’t come around anymore.
It also means: checking in with people from time to time. I know what I like, but if I notice I'm getting a lot, I check in and ask: is that ok for you? It basically works the way our human rights work: your freedom shouldn't negatively affect anybody else's freedom.
I wasn't taught to write it out. Everything was talk it out or be quiet. Listen and you can't speak any more of it. Limited access to understand. What about the Five ways to say I:
1) thoughts
2) wants
3) intentions
4) observations
5) feelings
I learned to relate my messages to these because I'm used to hearing,"you" messages.
This is in one of my books and it's very difficult.
Just lost a friend because she didn't respect my boundaries. This video helped so much. Thank you.
Then she wasn’t really a friend.
👊 ^^ what that person said.
I had to divorce my spouse and leave my job for the same reasons. It was hard, and I wasn't thrilled to have to do it. But due to DBT, I was as skillful about it as I could be. Ultimately, I'm happier having done both.
Leaving something that is toxic is better than staying even if it’s hard to let go!
@@rachaelharper3778🙌🙌🙌Well said 👏
Growing up it wasn't safe for my siblings and I to speak up.
Loving Life same
I can relate.
Loving Life same 😢 huge beating if we did. Still makes me afraid of what ppl might do
It’s not too late. Own Your Power!
@@nwatson2773 Im 51 years young. Ive been in my power since my parents checked out when I was a child. Trust that being in my power just evolved over the decades
I'm so passive that it's automatic. I don't pause long enough to know how I feel or how I want to respond. I immediately cater to people and what they want. I never object because everyone else is more important. But this is all changing for the better.
It's very interesting that you did this video. For the first time in my life I stood up for myself. A family member and I got into an argument, and he was yelling over me as I was speaking, I said to him " if you are not going to listen to me or try and understand, then this conversation is over " he hung up the phone. Not the reaction I wanted however I felt good that I stood up for myself. My doctor said he hung up bc he wasnt ready for me to defend myself and it caught him off guard. But it felt good!
I can be toxic when im triggered I’ll keep these tips in mind. Thank you❤️
Peace Harmony u got this!!!!!
I struggle with social anxiety and speaking up is hard for me. Thanks so much this really helps me to understand a lot clearer x
Yeah same here
This video came at the perfect time because I have a hard time being assertive and letting people know what I need or want. People have made me feel guilty for speaking up for myself
Boundaries are a BIG thing I’m working on! I’m disabled and the last few years I’m learning to “ grow up”. My family has a really hard time respecting my boundaries. I’m always” the bad or rude or wrong one “.
I had to handle a workplace conflict today and NEEDED this video...thank you!
Alyssa Fisher u got this!!
It's like a playing a game of Wack A Mole, as soon as they raise their head, put them in their place.
i am sure you can deal with thisbbn on your own. you should come up with something better.
My therapist and I just started interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT. So we’re starting Passive-Aggressiveness and how to be assertive. So this is awesome! You’re awesome too!
Perfect timing!!! xoxo I hope this is helpful!!
Awesome! My therapist taught us that & excerscises months ago. 😃👏
I am having one of those days when I am not the most friendly in my self talk. Thanks for this simple technique of reminding myself of some things I love about myself! 😊
Any time!! I hope it brightened your day a bit :) xoxo
I struggle with confrontation so much because I hate confrontation so this video helped me prodigiously! Thanks so much Kati!
Im 40, and still struggle with my life being micro managed by family, great video kati, ill try to apply your info to my life
Uhg. Hate family like that def gotta let em know where to go.
I am 40 now. It took me years to make it clear to my father that although he has a key to my flat he can’t just walk in whenever he pleases… But even if it took years, every little step counts. Celebrate every little step like an achievement that changes your life because it does.
@@Anna_Banana123 thanks, do they make you feel as if your selfish too?
@@sixteen.candles.4644 thanks 😃
Such a great video! I am only now speaking up for myself after 56 years! Thank you for this. 😊
I almost got kicked out of my apartment recently due to not being assertive so I'm happy to hear this video.
I have the hardest time being assertive, especially regarding setting & upholding personal boundaries. I will definitely be using these tips. Thank you, Kati. 💕
Thank you for mentioning the fact that you have to at least try to talk it out with a toxic person. Far too often I see social media posts that are like "If they yell at you even once, pack your bags burn the house down, never look back." and I'm like that's a bit extreme and kinda hypocritical. That person deserves a chance to change their behavior before you just give up on them. Everyone gets a chance.
Right?? That's what I think when I see posts like that.. everyone makes mistakes. You can't just give up so easily!
Perhaps they respond this way because this is their boundary that has been pushed.
Question: I am a passive person and working on being more assertive. However, whenever I am trying to be assertive I start to cry, especially at work...and that can be embarrassing. (I feel like I am in wise mind before I try to be assertive, but then I get emotional.) Ideas?
I wanna hug you bc i struggle the same way. I have anxiety so confrontation brings me to tears most times.
I really don't like being assertive at work because I get upset crying etc When they say something that upsets me
i think you should stop your crying and stop being so dramatic.
@@powerofroses1670 you're an asshole. Kristina is expressing anxiety around confrontation. She is not 'being so dramatic'. Your response makes you sound like an abusive boomer parent.
Kristina McGraine i feel you! id say definitely practice. even if it’s just in your mind, practicing scenarios seems to help. i think if you also practice verbally w another person it helps too. i think it’s also working slowly on the small things. i’m workin on it too :)
I got to be so assertive in the last few years driven by circumstances that now i cant take any bs at all. I have gotten good at 'speaking my truth' through writing but speaking is still a problem. Because writing gives me time to research my issue and then write it down for example: a letter to the building manager after researching my rights according to the law. And I always get the situations resolved in my favor which leads me to be even more assertive. Practice makes it perfect!
I really needed this video!! ❤️ I have a lot of trouble saying no and tend to tolerate too much or be really patient with being taken advantage of
It can be so hard to say no.. I hope the tips I offer in the video are helpful :) xoxo
@@Katimorton It's absolutely difficult to say no.. how something is said matters just as much as what is being said! Thank you so much for your tips/advice!! :) Your videos have helped me become a better, more resilient person overall
I have struggled with this my whole life. After reading self help books and tjerPy and codependent groups, lots of UA-cam videos on learning about narcissistic traits... Crying..lots of crying.
I've been recognizing how afraid I have been my whole life. I'm learning to take steps to stand up for myself. Confidence not arrogance. Kindness not hostile. Learning not to compromise my self, learning my boundaries. Learning to recognize my triggers.
Bless you for your transparency. For sharing your truth
My heart is touched . I can relate with you on being sensitive to harshness of others. I cry and get so angry that I don't know how to stand up for myself.
I’m glad you included a section on the toxic person because there are times when a person is so aggressive that the only long-term solution is to dissociate from tim. It may not be a perfect solution; but when reconciliation is not viable, it may be the only viable one.
I like the poker chip analogy, it is like the spoon theory for persons with chronic illness.
I find your point about “starting small” very interesting. Growing up my mom always told me to say something if I didn’t like something and I really feel like it’s helped me speak up for myself when I need.
I need to practice this more often! I am usually passive in most situations because I'm shy and have a difficult time speaking up. I have also went to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and was aggressive when I wasn't trying to be. The situation that sticks out in my mind where I acted aggressively was when my wound doctor was accusing me of sitting too much in my wheelchair and that was the reason I had a pressure sore again. It definitely triggered me and I blew up! Everyone was shocked that I spoke to the doctor the way I did. Not my best moment, but I was so sick of them saying it was my fault. Thanks for this video!! I'll definitely work on being assertive and not going to one extreme or the other.
This video is perfect timing. I have a appointment with my Doctor on Monday and I need him to hear me so thank you for this. I’m gonna Write it Out!
I’ve been told for over 30 years that I need to learn to be assertive. Thank you
Where I live I used to always buy instant coffee when we went to the store, and sometimes people would come by my room and ask for a teaspoon. For a while I was happy to give it to them, but I found out that if you did that once they would come back to my door again and again wanting coffee. I would have to get pretty aggressive with them to make them quit. You have to be careful about situations like that. If I see someone asking for change on the street I'm often happy to share with them. But if you're in a situation where they will see you again and again they are always going to be hitting you up for money. You just about have to deck them to get them to quit.
Kati can u do a video on why we feel a need to impress our therapist?
Transference
Unknown Name Kati already has a couple of great videos about this that I’ll link below! ua-cam.com/video/peI9oiMbDhY/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/tYQtu7k9M3s/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/aHaXLHRwh1U/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/lx9tlkvmrSw/v-deo.html
She has a few!
its the only source of safety so we want to secure it but its counterpoductive
omg i felt that
I have a tendency to come off as super aggressive when in reality I’m just super passionate/ want you to understand what I mean. I don’t mean to be MEAN, and I’m actually very sensitive and passive. I usually don’t want to stand up for myself. My therapist and I JUST talked about this today! I get it world, work on it. I got it. Sheesh. 😂
Says to self over and over, “it’s ok to disagree” “it’s ok to disagree” “it’s ok to disagree!”
It’s nice to know that some relationships are just a bad recipe and you don’t have to try to make things work afterwards. Letting go of toxic people is such a relief.
Cannot believe I need a video to help me to be more assertive...I mean some younger people are full of confidents and I wasn't able to be like that at their ages and now I'm working on this. Thanks to my parenthood whom probably raise me like this... And now i'm full of resentment.
Wow, thanks for this video Kati! I am working on this with my therapist so that if someone tries to undermine my sense of self worth and esteem, I can refuse to let it get to me like it has in the past.
Good for you
Being assertive got me lumped up with borderline traits somehow, and when I disagreed and tried to assert myself....apparently that's an irritation symptom.. I've started asking myself is it the clinicians fault or am I not doing something right to properly assert myself to explain myself better. This video came in perfect timing...
Perfect timing on this video! Thanks, Kati!
Katie,
I've started working on myself and I sure wish I had found your channel sooner. Your personality makes me feel immensely safe even through the internet and it's helped a lot.
Thanks for all your videos.
Thank you, Kati
You don't know how much this means to me. You're the best
I've been waiting for this one! Thanks so much, Kati!
Dear dear Katie, thank you so very much for this video. It really hits home. Bless your heart for tackling tough issues like this. 🤗 ❤️
A good statement to get in the habit of: that person has more reason to be afraid of me - than I am of him or her
Your videos always make me feel good. My therapist is a bit, well, not very empathetic and that has hit a nerve for me as I tend to think the worst about myself. Watching you talk so empathetically about any and all subjects have made me feel it's okay to be kind to me and have mercy for myself. So thanks a lot.
Anni Kalapudas if you’re able, you might want to look into finding a new therapist that would work better with you than your current one does. There’s nothing wrong with needing something different than you currently have and looking for that
I agree with Caitlyn Mills. Your current therapist sounds horrible.
I LOVED acting out the skills in D.B.T. I love how you explain things. You are clear & direct Katey. 😃
Thank you so much! This is one of the best videos because of how hard it is to explain assertiveness and how to achieve that. Thank you once again!
Hi Kati. I loved this video! Being assertive is something that I have worked on for years. Thank you so much for your hard work and dedication!
Lots of great tips here thank you Kati. Having good self care and compassion is important. Its ok to put your own needs first. Some times that does mean saying no to others and not feeling guilty for it. I have reminders so I remember to check in with my feelings regularly and it helps me to avoid being overwhelmed in situations where self assertiveness is required. It takes practice the more I do it the better skilled I become.
My new-ish friend borrowed some of my stuff in a slick way and then got extremely upset when I asked for it back and wouldn’t say no for an answer. This was stuff I use for my career and she knew that and didn’t care at all. I finally got my stuff back and then I blocked her and cut her out.
I am loving your vids, you’re so gorgeous and bright inside and out! I am not just speaking on your appearance, I mean everything about you! Thank you for sharing your talents and gifts with all of us so we can grow and be the best versions of ourselves 🙏😆💕👍😻
I LOVE your delivery of these videos, very gentle and understanding, like a true friend! Thank you for your gift and sharing your tips!
Great advice Kati! Thank you!
Thanks you so much kati!! I wish you were my therapist... All the love from Italy 🇮🇹 ♥
That last part, number nine about trying to communicate, but the other person is toxic or being toxic. I got a feeling of radical acceptance and it is okay to accept we don’t have any control. Well done Kati!
WoW, I been searching for this forever! I live with my sister who I love but talks to me like I’m her child sometimes! I’m a recovering alcoholic and don’t wish practice old behavior anymore! I ordered your book “Are you ok”! You have given me a gift of Hope! Thank you!
Wow does this ring so true. I'm a believer of things showing up and coming into ones life when its needed most, this I see is a video lots of people need to hear right now. Including myself. To know and remind ourselves that it's ok to be assertive, in order to take care of ourselves. I just want to say to anyone who see this, you deserve to be assertive of what you need, and you are worthy of it. If someone doesnt respect that, it's not your fault, the person who doesn't respect it, is probably going through there own stuff but you don't need to take that on yourself, when you need to do you first.
thing is, i actually take the advice you give in your videos. it has helped me grow so much as a person. thank you for making these videos❤️
So many great points! Some people don’t even realize they’re being toxic. Thank you!!
I feel this is one of your best and most insightful videos I've watched. I've become a huge fan in the last couple of weeks! I love your delivery, how what you're saying matches how it's expressed on your face, something I can't seem to get a grasp of.
Hi Kati,
Thanks for all the tips, they are very useful and I will work on few if them!
Hey Kati thanks for another great video you inspire me so much to help other people I love you so much you’re such an amazing person❤️
Thank you! I loved this sooooo much. I’m definitely running this back and writing my notes on this. You broke this down so well for me.
Love from India!!
Just had training in conflict management today, thanks for this video it really reinforces what needs to be done.
Me and a friend literally have been talking about all these things for weeks!! All totally agree. When she started talking about Communication and compromising, I got goosebumps because this came up last night about Women not wanting to tell a guy where they wanted to go to eat because they didn’t wanna make the wrong choice and they wanted the guy to magically psychically know what they wanted. To which I responded that’s what the suggestion game is for. If you are going to say no to something you have to suggest an alternative. Because Communication and compromise are key!!
this is one of your best videos. i ask people whether they see me as assertive or aggressive. it’s so hard to tell the difference. a lot of that nuance is discussed here.
Thank you for the video Kati.
Tip number 9 is so underrated at the end of this video. Its the most difficult and also most important thing to do... thank you for summarizing how to (or not) to toxic people. PS your book is great Kati!
*Some people always want to fight*
Can someone please shout this from every corner of the globe, please??????? Great video, Kati! Thanks for this!!!!
Thanks alot Kati ❤️. I love your videos. They are so helpful in understanding my own self.
i really needed this today! Thanks, Kati,
Thank You!
Wow that last sentence just explained everything what i was confused about. I struggle being assertive because its more comfortable to be aggressive, but I cant be aggressive at work. So I just dont talk and then I seem stupid. I came up with some things that im going to practice saying so that I feel comfortable speaking up. “Got it” “confirmed” “previously it was communicated to do xyz, so I was following suit. However, I will stop” “thats not necessary” “Give me a moment. Let me get my pen” “I dont have that answer now, but I will work on it”
Thanks for the great advice as always Kati🙏😊
This was so helpful. I split from a long term relationship because it was toxic, best thing I ever did
Thank you sooo much.. 🙏
Just watched this for the third time. I am the youngest of twelve.... thank you for helping me develop the tools to keep me in with my family. You are the best!
Such a nice coincidence you posted this today. I was just talking with my husband about this last night since I’ve been struggling with it lately when dealing with VERY religious relatives and friends.
I am 59. The narcissist think I am aggressive when I stand up for myself; he invalidates me. I still stand up to him so that I can feel good about myself. It works!
Not going to lie.. This video made me cry.. A lot. Just yesterday I was in this situation and they wouldn’t top antagonizing me and mocking me and making fun of me. I asked them repeatedly to please stop.. And they wouldn’t. They just kept poking and prodding and it was exhausting. I couldn’t leave because we were in the middle of nowhere and were driving. They kept saying that they enjoyed it and were having fun.. That getting me upset was easy and fun. Well, they shouldn’t want to get me upset. They shouldn’t WANT to hurt me. It was my own gamma and mother who were doing this to me yesterday in the car. It was so toxic and all I wanted to do was cry but I refused to give them that satisfaction. Later that night, I said I was going home and my mom got upset and begged me to stay so I lied and said o had work in the morning. I didn’t but I needed out of that environment. Even family, especially family, can do this. But sometimes being assertive and standing up for yourself don’t always work. It just keeps them going.
I hope you're in a better place now.
You have to distance yourself from toxic people, even family members.
Take care of yourself.
You are the Queen of your life.
Thank you for this!✌🏼
One of the best channels . Thanks
Kati you rock thank u for the awesome video. have a wonderful day😀
I just was talking to my friend about this! Her parents don’t let her do anything / hang out with me and so I told her to not be aggressive but assertive thank you you always have the perfect videos!
Awe man that's super stressful I had helicopter parents like that who wouldn't let me do anything. Ended up having to sneak out every week to have a life worth living. They would not bend on anything no matter how in control and assertive of my needs I was. Used to script out whole conversations, no use unfortunately. Hopefully their parents are more compassionate!
Adrean Smith ah I’m so sorry I hope it’s better now and not really! And she would never sneak out I feel so bad for her, she really can’t even have friends and I’m like her only one
@@bellaandsevy5338 ☹ it's so rough, I developed cptsd because of the chokehold my parents had. I hope your friend learns early in life to meet her own needs. Weirdly enough my sneaking out was afterschool activities and going to church... im not religious but I had religious friends and my parent's had a sunday activity. Unfortunately my parent's picked up on me using afterschool activities to not be at home though.
Yeah things are better now that im not living with my parents and I have a supportive spouse and we communicate our feelings alot. Surprisingly I still have a relationship with my parents. I suspect they are just as messed up from their parents as I am from them so I try not to blame them too much.
Adrean Smith, it’s definitely a circular cycle and gets passed down through the generations. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for your valuable insightful videos !!! Very much appreciated :)
Thank u for this video!!
Thank you kati for making this video i used to be the shy girl and keep to myself. And many times i had situations i felt sick of some people walking all over me and getting away with things and since i'm shy it was hard to learn to like speak for myself stand up for myself but now i know when to speak for myself and not really so shy anymore^^ thank you kati for all this advice makes me feel confident to learn to be assertive at times
Thank You For Sharing ❤️
Thank you for your videos. They are really helpful and I appreciate it so much
This is very helpful. I always thought me being triggered means im a bad person. Thanks for posting this video. Now i can start working on being assertive
Great video. Thanks Kati.
thank you ! your amazing
Thank you, I will try your advise
Really needed this thank you so much
loved this. you are giving me hope through your videos and they encourage me to get through my limits. i am bipolar and I only take two meds. i started to work out recently since the crisis took place and now I sleep less and I overcame by paunch. thanks a lot.
Thanks Kati! I so appreciate what you do. 🙏💜 Subscribed!
This is so helpful!! AWESOME VIDEO!!
Yep!!, some people don't know how to talk calmly...
We are only responsible to clean our side of the road , ", our actions..
Thank you. Found this helpful
Recently a friend tried to be assertive but it was texting and I read it like she was mad and yelling at me so I triggered and became agressive. But turns out she was calm so we got on a voice call and it was fine. But text is the worst. don't be assertive on text!
Tone tags work over text too. /gentle
Great video Kati. I really appreciate how you go into detail, makes it so much easier to grasp. Speaking up for myself is currently non-existent but im ready to put in the time and effort to change that - Thanks :)