Also people don’t like to be told no. Being assertive is making boundaries. If you don’t do what others want they will call you names. I know a few folks who only talk to me when they need something. I don’t do things for them and they don’t come around anymore.
It also means: checking in with people from time to time. I know what I like, but if I notice I'm getting a lot, I check in and ask: is that ok for you? It basically works the way our human rights work: your freedom shouldn't negatively affect anybody else's freedom.
I wasn't taught to write it out. Everything was talk it out or be quiet. Listen and you can't speak any more of it. Limited access to understand. What about the Five ways to say I: 1) thoughts 2) wants 3) intentions 4) observations 5) feelings I learned to relate my messages to these because I'm used to hearing,"you" messages.
I had to divorce my spouse and leave my job for the same reasons. It was hard, and I wasn't thrilled to have to do it. But due to DBT, I was as skillful about it as I could be. Ultimately, I'm happier having done both.
A whisper of Patricia same! Im 26 and thought that once I was an adult in a career job I would just start asserting myself and being confident but that hasn’t come naturally...
It's very interesting that you did this video. For the first time in my life I stood up for myself. A family member and I got into an argument, and he was yelling over me as I was speaking, I said to him " if you are not going to listen to me or try and understand, then this conversation is over " he hung up the phone. Not the reaction I wanted however I felt good that I stood up for myself. My doctor said he hung up bc he wasnt ready for me to defend myself and it caught him off guard. But it felt good!
I'm so passive that it's automatic. I don't pause long enough to know how I feel or how I want to respond. I immediately cater to people and what they want. I never object because everyone else is more important. But this is all changing for the better.
This video came at the perfect time because I have a hard time being assertive and letting people know what I need or want. People have made me feel guilty for speaking up for myself
Boundaries are a BIG thing I’m working on! I’m disabled and the last few years I’m learning to “ grow up”. My family has a really hard time respecting my boundaries. I’m always” the bad or rude or wrong one “.
My therapist and I just started interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT. So we’re starting Passive-Aggressiveness and how to be assertive. So this is awesome! You’re awesome too!
I am having one of those days when I am not the most friendly in my self talk. Thanks for this simple technique of reminding myself of some things I love about myself! 😊
@@nwatson2773 Im 51 years young. Ive been in my power since my parents checked out when I was a child. Trust that being in my power just evolved over the decades
Thank you for mentioning the fact that you have to at least try to talk it out with a toxic person. Far too often I see social media posts that are like "If they yell at you even once, pack your bags burn the house down, never look back." and I'm like that's a bit extreme and kinda hypocritical. That person deserves a chance to change their behavior before you just give up on them. Everyone gets a chance.
I got to be so assertive in the last few years driven by circumstances that now i cant take any bs at all. I have gotten good at 'speaking my truth' through writing but speaking is still a problem. Because writing gives me time to research my issue and then write it down for example: a letter to the building manager after researching my rights according to the law. And I always get the situations resolved in my favor which leads me to be even more assertive. Practice makes it perfect!
I am 40 now. It took me years to make it clear to my father that although he has a key to my flat he can’t just walk in whenever he pleases… But even if it took years, every little step counts. Celebrate every little step like an achievement that changes your life because it does.
I’m glad you included a section on the toxic person because there are times when a person is so aggressive that the only long-term solution is to dissociate from tim. It may not be a perfect solution; but when reconciliation is not viable, it may be the only viable one.
@@Katimorton It's absolutely difficult to say no.. how something is said matters just as much as what is being said! Thank you so much for your tips/advice!! :) Your videos have helped me become a better, more resilient person overall
I have struggled with this my whole life. After reading self help books and tjerPy and codependent groups, lots of UA-cam videos on learning about narcissistic traits... Crying..lots of crying. I've been recognizing how afraid I have been my whole life. I'm learning to take steps to stand up for myself. Confidence not arrogance. Kindness not hostile. Learning not to compromise my self, learning my boundaries. Learning to recognize my triggers.
Bless you for your transparency. For sharing your truth My heart is touched . I can relate with you on being sensitive to harshness of others. I cry and get so angry that I don't know how to stand up for myself.
I find your point about “starting small” very interesting. Growing up my mom always told me to say something if I didn’t like something and I really feel like it’s helped me speak up for myself when I need.
I need to practice this more often! I am usually passive in most situations because I'm shy and have a difficult time speaking up. I have also went to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and was aggressive when I wasn't trying to be. The situation that sticks out in my mind where I acted aggressively was when my wound doctor was accusing me of sitting too much in my wheelchair and that was the reason I had a pressure sore again. It definitely triggered me and I blew up! Everyone was shocked that I spoke to the doctor the way I did. Not my best moment, but I was so sick of them saying it was my fault. Thanks for this video!! I'll definitely work on being assertive and not going to one extreme or the other.
It’s nice to know that some relationships are just a bad recipe and you don’t have to try to make things work afterwards. Letting go of toxic people is such a relief.
Wow, thanks for this video Kati! I am working on this with my therapist so that if someone tries to undermine my sense of self worth and esteem, I can refuse to let it get to me like it has in the past.
Question: I am a passive person and working on being more assertive. However, whenever I am trying to be assertive I start to cry, especially at work...and that can be embarrassing. (I feel like I am in wise mind before I try to be assertive, but then I get emotional.) Ideas?
@@powerofroses1670 you're an asshole. Kristina is expressing anxiety around confrontation. She is not 'being so dramatic'. Your response makes you sound like an abusive boomer parent.
Kristina McGraine i feel you! id say definitely practice. even if it’s just in your mind, practicing scenarios seems to help. i think if you also practice verbally w another person it helps too. i think it’s also working slowly on the small things. i’m workin on it too :)
Your videos always make me feel good. My therapist is a bit, well, not very empathetic and that has hit a nerve for me as I tend to think the worst about myself. Watching you talk so empathetically about any and all subjects have made me feel it's okay to be kind to me and have mercy for myself. So thanks a lot.
Anni Kalapudas if you’re able, you might want to look into finding a new therapist that would work better with you than your current one does. There’s nothing wrong with needing something different than you currently have and looking for that
I just was talking to my friend about this! Her parents don’t let her do anything / hang out with me and so I told her to not be aggressive but assertive thank you you always have the perfect videos!
Awe man that's super stressful I had helicopter parents like that who wouldn't let me do anything. Ended up having to sneak out every week to have a life worth living. They would not bend on anything no matter how in control and assertive of my needs I was. Used to script out whole conversations, no use unfortunately. Hopefully their parents are more compassionate!
Adrean Smith ah I’m so sorry I hope it’s better now and not really! And she would never sneak out I feel so bad for her, she really can’t even have friends and I’m like her only one
@@bellaandsevy5338 ☹ it's so rough, I developed cptsd because of the chokehold my parents had. I hope your friend learns early in life to meet her own needs. Weirdly enough my sneaking out was afterschool activities and going to church... im not religious but I had religious friends and my parent's had a sunday activity. Unfortunately my parent's picked up on me using afterschool activities to not be at home though. Yeah things are better now that im not living with my parents and I have a supportive spouse and we communicate our feelings alot. Surprisingly I still have a relationship with my parents. I suspect they are just as messed up from their parents as I am from them so I try not to blame them too much.
Wow that last sentence just explained everything what i was confused about. I struggle being assertive because its more comfortable to be aggressive, but I cant be aggressive at work. So I just dont talk and then I seem stupid. I came up with some things that im going to practice saying so that I feel comfortable speaking up. “Got it” “confirmed” “previously it was communicated to do xyz, so I was following suit. However, I will stop” “thats not necessary” “Give me a moment. Let me get my pen” “I dont have that answer now, but I will work on it”
Where I live I used to always buy instant coffee when we went to the store, and sometimes people would come by my room and ask for a teaspoon. For a while I was happy to give it to them, but I found out that if you did that once they would come back to my door again and again wanting coffee. I would have to get pretty aggressive with them to make them quit. You have to be careful about situations like that. If I see someone asking for change on the street I'm often happy to share with them. But if you're in a situation where they will see you again and again they are always going to be hitting you up for money. You just about have to deck them to get them to quit.
Wow does this ring so true. I'm a believer of things showing up and coming into ones life when its needed most, this I see is a video lots of people need to hear right now. Including myself. To know and remind ourselves that it's ok to be assertive, in order to take care of ourselves. I just want to say to anyone who see this, you deserve to be assertive of what you need, and you are worthy of it. If someone doesnt respect that, it's not your fault, the person who doesn't respect it, is probably going through there own stuff but you don't need to take that on yourself, when you need to do you first.
Me and a friend literally have been talking about all these things for weeks!! All totally agree. When she started talking about Communication and compromising, I got goosebumps because this came up last night about Women not wanting to tell a guy where they wanted to go to eat because they didn’t wanna make the wrong choice and they wanted the guy to magically psychically know what they wanted. To which I responded that’s what the suggestion game is for. If you are going to say no to something you have to suggest an alternative. Because Communication and compromise are key!!
That last part, number nine about trying to communicate, but the other person is toxic or being toxic. I got a feeling of radical acceptance and it is okay to accept we don’t have any control. Well done Kati!
Cannot believe I need a video to help me to be more assertive...I mean some younger people are full of confidents and I wasn't able to be like that at their ages and now I'm working on this. Thanks to my parenthood whom probably raise me like this... And now i'm full of resentment.
These tips are helping me evaluate a situation with one of my close friends, and after I try to talk it out with him, if it still doesn’t work out I think it’ll be time for me to let go
Very helpful. My sister is very aggressive. When I try to assert myself with her she lashes out at me and makes me feel like a bad person. Her favorite line is "you need to do some introspection"! I realize that in the past I have let go and walked out of toxic relationships without giving an explanation or trying to talk it. This is something that I am going to practice going forward as it was not the healthiest thing to do. I am just ready to be assertive and stand up for myself.
I'd like to add something here about self talk. I used to be a negative nelly as I've heard it phrased. And it was really hard for me to exercise that particular demon. In fact the very first time I tried saying to myself with my inner voice that I liked me, I literally guffawed. I had to look around quickly to make sure no one saw me do it too. But I'm glad I had that strong of a reaction honestly speaking because it showed me that this was an important element for me to focus on. I'm not sure how long it lasted but from then on I'd find myself holding internal arguments about not speaking to myself that way. "I'll speak any way I want darn you!...I am you so hush!...So what I'll still have my say!" And it would go on and on like that. But the more I worked on it the weaker that negative nelly voice became. And today, I can't honestly tell you the last time it had the courage to speak up. I'm hoping it's gone for good.
WoW, I been searching for this forever! I live with my sister who I love but talks to me like I’m her child sometimes! I’m a recovering alcoholic and don’t wish practice old behavior anymore! I ordered your book “Are you ok”! You have given me a gift of Hope! Thank you!
Just watched this for the third time. I am the youngest of twelve.... thank you for helping me develop the tools to keep me in with my family. You are the best!
I am 59. The narcissist think I am aggressive when I stand up for myself; he invalidates me. I still stand up to him so that I can feel good about myself. It works!
Tip number 9 is so underrated at the end of this video. Its the most difficult and also most important thing to do... thank you for summarizing how to (or not) to toxic people. PS your book is great Kati!
I spoke up for myself and my husband to a family member. She flipped out on me, made it seem like it was all my fault to the rest of the family, and told me to fuck off as I walked out the door. I was trying to be closer, I was trying to let her know my boundaries, my feelings, and she didn’t care and belittled me. At first I let the family be mad at me for standing up for myself, and then they saw for themselves why I did what I did. I had to walk away, for myself, my self worth and self respect. Unfortunately, I don’t get to see my nephew and nieces anymore, that was a sacrifice I had to make. But, being around someone who made me feel like that is not someone I want myself or my family around anyway. But, I do know that I did try to work it out, it just didn’t work and I’m still trying to be okay with that.
I have a tendency to come off as super aggressive when in reality I’m just super passionate/ want you to understand what I mean. I don’t mean to be MEAN, and I’m actually very sensitive and passive. I usually don’t want to stand up for myself. My therapist and I JUST talked about this today! I get it world, work on it. I got it. Sheesh. 😂
I was assertive for once with my sister and she told me that I was acting like my mom (which is not good) and then she said "I'm a mother now. It was really hard to stand up for myself and then I felt like a big jerk. That's why I just usually keep my mouth shut and am a people pleaser.
this is one of your best videos. i ask people whether they see me as assertive or aggressive. it’s so hard to tell the difference. a lot of that nuance is discussed here.
My younger sibling grew up getting away with just about EVERYTHING because my mom never believed me about the complaints I had about him. They were legit. It wasn’t to get him in trouble I’m getting my dad involved. I’m definitely speaking up! I’m not editing any more family injustice
Being assertive got me lumped up with borderline traits somehow, and when I disagreed and tried to assert myself....apparently that's an irritation symptom.. I've started asking myself is it the clinicians fault or am I not doing something right to properly assert myself to explain myself better. This video came in perfect timing...
Kati this is my first time commenting on a video. I really like to listen to your long videos when I drive long distances on the weekends. I'm going through a breakup right now and it sucks, but your videos don't, so thank you
Christopher Webb Welcome to the Community! Sorry to hear ur going through a rough break-up. I’ll link Kati’s video on getting over a breakup below which was really helpful for me. Also, Kati’s guested on a TON af different podcasts so check those out! ua-cam.com/video/EJq9RCw5ZlE/v-deo.html
I've been practicing saying no without having an attitude. It's hard, but I'll keep working on it. I hope someday I'll be able to control my anger and frustration so that I can still be assertive. I really need to work on my inner voice. Thanks for the advise Kati. Appreciate you bunches and bundles
I had an incident at work the other day. I cried...one time I was glad to be wearing a mask cause no one saw me. I cleaned cried and processed and thought about what happened. I was going to let it go but didnt want the coworker to think that it was ok to treat me like that so I then asked my managers to talk to the new people and remind them of a procedure. My therapist says I was skillful but she said I need to step in to the conflict. To help me be brave shes having me purchase a Mala for each bead I'm suppose to say one positive affirmation about myself. Overall my Mala is suppose to remind me that God approves of me standing up for myself righteously...its suppose to help give me courage. My therapist also gave me some ideas of what I could say to others.
As someone with abusive family and being an ex military guy some of this stuff is very hard to even understand when you're used to being in all kind of emotional distress and taught to control it so it doesn't have a negative effect.
Lots of great tips here thank you Kati. Having good self care and compassion is important. Its ok to put your own needs first. Some times that does mean saying no to others and not feeling guilty for it. I have reminders so I remember to check in with my feelings regularly and it helps me to avoid being overwhelmed in situations where self assertiveness is required. It takes practice the more I do it the better skilled I become.
I have fear of reacting to someone's anger because my dad was very abusive and don't want to inflict pain on others since it crushed my spirit as a child
Sometimes it is very convenient for some people to take advantage of your passivity, because they tend to think that you are not doing anything about it!
This is a good one to re-listen to, especially after your "10 things people with mental strength do" video. I started making large flash cards, and I'm going to make one for these two videos. They help remember and remind me.
A therapist once told me that "compromise isn't a good solution / won't work" because both people don't get what they want...which made sense at the time, but present day, sounds totally invalid. Compromise is part of nature (no appeal to nature fallacy) True love is happy to / eager for compromise.
Katie, I've started working on myself and I sure wish I had found your channel sooner. Your personality makes me feel immensely safe even through the internet and it's helped a lot. Thanks for all your videos.
Unknown Name Kati already has a couple of great videos about this that I’ll link below! ua-cam.com/video/peI9oiMbDhY/v-deo.html ua-cam.com/video/tYQtu7k9M3s/v-deo.html ua-cam.com/video/aHaXLHRwh1U/v-deo.html ua-cam.com/video/lx9tlkvmrSw/v-deo.html
Do we? Lol I really don't follow this. It seem ridiculous that anyone would go to someone and say: "I need help", any then proceed to try n impress them.
An hour ago an acquaintance called me and she roughed me up via the telephone. She expects me to "hold my stand", but the way she tells me this is disrespectful, because she raises her voice to 90 decibels. That loud voice triggers me, and contents of what she is saying comes over to me as aggression. I'm still shaking, my heart rate is up. In my view, what she expects me to do sounds like warfare to me. I don't want that. I want my life to be peaceful and quiet, with as little interaction with other people as possible. I hate being demanded to do things I was brought up NOT to do. I was taught not to challenge the family system. My ideas/opinions were not listened to, shouted down, because I lacked life experience, didn't fit in, to name a few, end of the discussion. As long as I did what was expected, the world was ok. Now my acquaintance wants me to do exactly the things I know lead to conflict. I refuse to put up fights, which infuriates her. She accuses me of triggering her by being "demure" and passive.
This is very helpful. I always thought me being triggered means im a bad person. Thanks for posting this video. Now i can start working on being assertive
I'm not really having a problem saying no, but building the confidence to speak out when I should be has been very challenging. I recently moved into an apartment with 3 very extroverted college guys and for whatever reason there's just so much stress when it comes to interacting with them.
I have no problem looking people in the eye and saying, don't, no or stop very tactfully. The problem I have is they don''t care and still do what they want to force on me. That is one of the reasons I am not working and not in a relationship. That is why I love being on my own. I am broke but it is a less evil.
I feel this is one of your best and most insightful videos I've watched. I've become a huge fan in the last couple of weeks! I love your delivery, how what you're saying matches how it's expressed on your face, something I can't seem to get a grasp of.
I need this so badly I need to work on this. I was taught when you are assertive you are physically struck and/or screamed at and hit. I come from an abusive controlling childhood. A strict religious upbringing. I don’t trust people especially in this world today where you never know if someone could have a gun at a concert mall movie theater or school. People seem so angry today over stupid things like a stolen parking spot or getting cut in line. It’s not worth it. I get afraid to stand up.
I’ve been doing the name 3 things you like about yourself thing for a week or so and it helps me combat the negative self talk. I’ve expanded it to 3 things I’m looking forward to this week/month and 3 things I’m grateful for. I try to do this both first thing in the morning and last thing at night, but even if I just do it at night I feel it’s helped me stop ruminating as much.
For me, there were consequences to being assertive growing up. I learned to fear authority. As authorities often stood up for the bullies. I kid you not...I had a teacher in high-school laugh right along with the bullies. Or when I did tell an adult, they ask “What did you do?” Followed by: “You must of done something. No one’s gonna if you didn’t do something to deserve it.” And no, I didn’t do crap to deserve the bullying. A child hears that and thinks they must have done something. I did. In my mind if crap happened to me it was my fault. Especially when it wasn’t. The only acceptable response was shutting down and/or running away. As a result I’ve ended relationships or transitioned abruptly out of jobs. Often with the other people (friends and bosses) left wondering what they did.
Thank you 🙏🏻 Last one,#9 I thinking 🤔, is hard when it’s a coworker. So I just don’t go into personal or triggering subjects with her. It took me years to finally nail that one cause I was trying,but saw no solution to it!
loved this. you are giving me hope through your videos and they encourage me to get through my limits. i am bipolar and I only take two meds. i started to work out recently since the crisis took place and now I sleep less and I overcame by paunch. thanks a lot.
I really needed this today. I am having trouble with communicating with my boss. I know i need to grow, and learn, so i am not looking to be uncompromising, but i am also trying to relate to them of my own struggles, etc.
My sister and mum think otherwise when i would talk to myself 😩,after watching this vid and another one,i m convinced now that its nothing abnormal. My sis would shush me and express her annoyance everytime i would talk loudly to myself back when i was a teen😩
Thank you kati for making this video i used to be the shy girl and keep to myself. And many times i had situations i felt sick of some people walking all over me and getting away with things and since i'm shy it was hard to learn to like speak for myself stand up for myself but now i know when to speak for myself and not really so shy anymore^^ thank you kati for all this advice makes me feel confident to learn to be assertive at times
Such a nice coincidence you posted this today. I was just talking with my husband about this last night since I’ve been struggling with it lately when dealing with VERY religious relatives and friends.
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
At 55 I am learning how to speak up for myself.. I have been a doormat my whole life... How sad.. But I am finally finding my voice......
Me, too. A scapegoat, too. Groomed for this by the narcissist since I was a kid: disaster.
@@jackilynpyzocha662 Me three! 🙋♀️
@@jackilynpyzocha662me too! 😢
Best wishes for you ❤️
I'm the same and I'm glad I'm speaking up now 😊😊😊
*My main thing? Have your own opinion and say what you want, but listen to others...*
Too many people take assertiveness for being cocky.
YES, It means to explain while still respectful to listening..
Also people don’t like to be told no. Being assertive is making boundaries. If you don’t do what others want they will call you names. I know a few folks who only talk to me when they need something. I don’t do things for them and they don’t come around anymore.
It also means: checking in with people from time to time. I know what I like, but if I notice I'm getting a lot, I check in and ask: is that ok for you? It basically works the way our human rights work: your freedom shouldn't negatively affect anybody else's freedom.
I wasn't taught to write it out. Everything was talk it out or be quiet. Listen and you can't speak any more of it. Limited access to understand. What about the Five ways to say I:
1) thoughts
2) wants
3) intentions
4) observations
5) feelings
I learned to relate my messages to these because I'm used to hearing,"you" messages.
This is in one of my books and it's very difficult.
Just lost a friend because she didn't respect my boundaries. This video helped so much. Thank you.
Then she wasn’t really a friend.
👊 ^^ what that person said.
I had to divorce my spouse and leave my job for the same reasons. It was hard, and I wasn't thrilled to have to do it. But due to DBT, I was as skillful about it as I could be. Ultimately, I'm happier having done both.
Leaving something that is toxic is better than staying even if it’s hard to let go!
@@rachaelharper3778🙌🙌🙌Well said 👏
At 27 I'm still working on this, I want to express my emotions without hurting other people's feelings.
A whisper of Patricia same! Im 26 and thought that once I was an adult in a career job I would just start asserting myself and being confident but that hasn’t come naturally...
I am too!! I can sometimes do it, but others times it's so hard! I hope these tips are helpful :) xoxo
@@Katimorton I'm permanently subscribed to this channel.💛
A whisper of Patricia Welcome to the Community!
Me too. Almost 30 and still struggling uhg
It's very interesting that you did this video. For the first time in my life I stood up for myself. A family member and I got into an argument, and he was yelling over me as I was speaking, I said to him " if you are not going to listen to me or try and understand, then this conversation is over " he hung up the phone. Not the reaction I wanted however I felt good that I stood up for myself. My doctor said he hung up bc he wasnt ready for me to defend myself and it caught him off guard. But it felt good!
I'm so passive that it's automatic. I don't pause long enough to know how I feel or how I want to respond. I immediately cater to people and what they want. I never object because everyone else is more important. But this is all changing for the better.
This video came at the perfect time because I have a hard time being assertive and letting people know what I need or want. People have made me feel guilty for speaking up for myself
Boundaries are a BIG thing I’m working on! I’m disabled and the last few years I’m learning to “ grow up”. My family has a really hard time respecting my boundaries. I’m always” the bad or rude or wrong one “.
I struggle with social anxiety and speaking up is hard for me. Thanks so much this really helps me to understand a lot clearer x
Yeah same here
I can be toxic when im triggered I’ll keep these tips in mind. Thank you❤️
Peace Harmony u got this!!!!!
I had to handle a workplace conflict today and NEEDED this video...thank you!
Alyssa Fisher u got this!!
It's like a playing a game of Wack A Mole, as soon as they raise their head, put them in their place.
i am sure you can deal with thisbbn on your own. you should come up with something better.
My therapist and I just started interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT. So we’re starting Passive-Aggressiveness and how to be assertive. So this is awesome! You’re awesome too!
Perfect timing!!! xoxo I hope this is helpful!!
Awesome! My therapist taught us that & excerscises months ago. 😃👏
I struggle with confrontation so much because I hate confrontation so this video helped me prodigiously! Thanks so much Kati!
I am having one of those days when I am not the most friendly in my self talk. Thanks for this simple technique of reminding myself of some things I love about myself! 😊
Any time!! I hope it brightened your day a bit :) xoxo
Growing up it wasn't safe for my siblings and I to speak up.
Loving Life same
I can relate.
Loving Life same 😢 huge beating if we did. Still makes me afraid of what ppl might do
It’s not too late. Own Your Power!
@@nwatson2773 Im 51 years young. Ive been in my power since my parents checked out when I was a child. Trust that being in my power just evolved over the decades
Thank you for mentioning the fact that you have to at least try to talk it out with a toxic person. Far too often I see social media posts that are like "If they yell at you even once, pack your bags burn the house down, never look back." and I'm like that's a bit extreme and kinda hypocritical. That person deserves a chance to change their behavior before you just give up on them. Everyone gets a chance.
Right?? That's what I think when I see posts like that.. everyone makes mistakes. You can't just give up so easily!
Perhaps they respond this way because this is their boundary that has been pushed.
I got to be so assertive in the last few years driven by circumstances that now i cant take any bs at all. I have gotten good at 'speaking my truth' through writing but speaking is still a problem. Because writing gives me time to research my issue and then write it down for example: a letter to the building manager after researching my rights according to the law. And I always get the situations resolved in my favor which leads me to be even more assertive. Practice makes it perfect!
Im 40, and still struggle with my life being micro managed by family, great video kati, ill try to apply your info to my life
Uhg. Hate family like that def gotta let em know where to go.
I am 40 now. It took me years to make it clear to my father that although he has a key to my flat he can’t just walk in whenever he pleases… But even if it took years, every little step counts. Celebrate every little step like an achievement that changes your life because it does.
@@Anna_Banana123 thanks, do they make you feel as if your selfish too?
@@sixteen.candles.4644 thanks 😃
I’m glad you included a section on the toxic person because there are times when a person is so aggressive that the only long-term solution is to dissociate from tim. It may not be a perfect solution; but when reconciliation is not viable, it may be the only viable one.
Says to self over and over, “it’s ok to disagree” “it’s ok to disagree” “it’s ok to disagree!”
Such a great video! I am only now speaking up for myself after 56 years! Thank you for this. 😊
This video is perfect timing. I have a appointment with my Doctor on Monday and I need him to hear me so thank you for this. I’m gonna Write it Out!
I really needed this video!! ❤️ I have a lot of trouble saying no and tend to tolerate too much or be really patient with being taken advantage of
It can be so hard to say no.. I hope the tips I offer in the video are helpful :) xoxo
@@Katimorton It's absolutely difficult to say no.. how something is said matters just as much as what is being said! Thank you so much for your tips/advice!! :) Your videos have helped me become a better, more resilient person overall
I have struggled with this my whole life. After reading self help books and tjerPy and codependent groups, lots of UA-cam videos on learning about narcissistic traits... Crying..lots of crying.
I've been recognizing how afraid I have been my whole life. I'm learning to take steps to stand up for myself. Confidence not arrogance. Kindness not hostile. Learning not to compromise my self, learning my boundaries. Learning to recognize my triggers.
Bless you for your transparency. For sharing your truth
My heart is touched . I can relate with you on being sensitive to harshness of others. I cry and get so angry that I don't know how to stand up for myself.
I almost got kicked out of my apartment recently due to not being assertive so I'm happy to hear this video.
I find your point about “starting small” very interesting. Growing up my mom always told me to say something if I didn’t like something and I really feel like it’s helped me speak up for myself when I need.
I need to practice this more often! I am usually passive in most situations because I'm shy and have a difficult time speaking up. I have also went to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and was aggressive when I wasn't trying to be. The situation that sticks out in my mind where I acted aggressively was when my wound doctor was accusing me of sitting too much in my wheelchair and that was the reason I had a pressure sore again. It definitely triggered me and I blew up! Everyone was shocked that I spoke to the doctor the way I did. Not my best moment, but I was so sick of them saying it was my fault. Thanks for this video!! I'll definitely work on being assertive and not going to one extreme or the other.
It’s nice to know that some relationships are just a bad recipe and you don’t have to try to make things work afterwards. Letting go of toxic people is such a relief.
Wow, thanks for this video Kati! I am working on this with my therapist so that if someone tries to undermine my sense of self worth and esteem, I can refuse to let it get to me like it has in the past.
Good for you
Question: I am a passive person and working on being more assertive. However, whenever I am trying to be assertive I start to cry, especially at work...and that can be embarrassing. (I feel like I am in wise mind before I try to be assertive, but then I get emotional.) Ideas?
I wanna hug you bc i struggle the same way. I have anxiety so confrontation brings me to tears most times.
I really don't like being assertive at work because I get upset crying etc When they say something that upsets me
i think you should stop your crying and stop being so dramatic.
@@powerofroses1670 you're an asshole. Kristina is expressing anxiety around confrontation. She is not 'being so dramatic'. Your response makes you sound like an abusive boomer parent.
Kristina McGraine i feel you! id say definitely practice. even if it’s just in your mind, practicing scenarios seems to help. i think if you also practice verbally w another person it helps too. i think it’s also working slowly on the small things. i’m workin on it too :)
I’ve been told for over 30 years that I need to learn to be assertive. Thank you
Your videos always make me feel good. My therapist is a bit, well, not very empathetic and that has hit a nerve for me as I tend to think the worst about myself. Watching you talk so empathetically about any and all subjects have made me feel it's okay to be kind to me and have mercy for myself. So thanks a lot.
Anni Kalapudas if you’re able, you might want to look into finding a new therapist that would work better with you than your current one does. There’s nothing wrong with needing something different than you currently have and looking for that
I agree with Caitlyn Mills. Your current therapist sounds horrible.
A good statement to get in the habit of: that person has more reason to be afraid of me - than I am of him or her
I just was talking to my friend about this! Her parents don’t let her do anything / hang out with me and so I told her to not be aggressive but assertive thank you you always have the perfect videos!
Awe man that's super stressful I had helicopter parents like that who wouldn't let me do anything. Ended up having to sneak out every week to have a life worth living. They would not bend on anything no matter how in control and assertive of my needs I was. Used to script out whole conversations, no use unfortunately. Hopefully their parents are more compassionate!
Adrean Smith ah I’m so sorry I hope it’s better now and not really! And she would never sneak out I feel so bad for her, she really can’t even have friends and I’m like her only one
@@bellaandsevy5338 ☹ it's so rough, I developed cptsd because of the chokehold my parents had. I hope your friend learns early in life to meet her own needs. Weirdly enough my sneaking out was afterschool activities and going to church... im not religious but I had religious friends and my parent's had a sunday activity. Unfortunately my parent's picked up on me using afterschool activities to not be at home though.
Yeah things are better now that im not living with my parents and I have a supportive spouse and we communicate our feelings alot. Surprisingly I still have a relationship with my parents. I suspect they are just as messed up from their parents as I am from them so I try not to blame them too much.
Adrean Smith, it’s definitely a circular cycle and gets passed down through the generations. Thanks for sharing.
Wow that last sentence just explained everything what i was confused about. I struggle being assertive because its more comfortable to be aggressive, but I cant be aggressive at work. So I just dont talk and then I seem stupid. I came up with some things that im going to practice saying so that I feel comfortable speaking up. “Got it” “confirmed” “previously it was communicated to do xyz, so I was following suit. However, I will stop” “thats not necessary” “Give me a moment. Let me get my pen” “I dont have that answer now, but I will work on it”
Where I live I used to always buy instant coffee when we went to the store, and sometimes people would come by my room and ask for a teaspoon. For a while I was happy to give it to them, but I found out that if you did that once they would come back to my door again and again wanting coffee. I would have to get pretty aggressive with them to make them quit. You have to be careful about situations like that. If I see someone asking for change on the street I'm often happy to share with them. But if you're in a situation where they will see you again and again they are always going to be hitting you up for money. You just about have to deck them to get them to quit.
Thank you, Kati
You don't know how much this means to me. You're the best
Wow does this ring so true. I'm a believer of things showing up and coming into ones life when its needed most, this I see is a video lots of people need to hear right now. Including myself. To know and remind ourselves that it's ok to be assertive, in order to take care of ourselves. I just want to say to anyone who see this, you deserve to be assertive of what you need, and you are worthy of it. If someone doesnt respect that, it's not your fault, the person who doesn't respect it, is probably going through there own stuff but you don't need to take that on yourself, when you need to do you first.
Me and a friend literally have been talking about all these things for weeks!! All totally agree. When she started talking about Communication and compromising, I got goosebumps because this came up last night about Women not wanting to tell a guy where they wanted to go to eat because they didn’t wanna make the wrong choice and they wanted the guy to magically psychically know what they wanted. To which I responded that’s what the suggestion game is for. If you are going to say no to something you have to suggest an alternative. Because Communication and compromise are key!!
That last part, number nine about trying to communicate, but the other person is toxic or being toxic. I got a feeling of radical acceptance and it is okay to accept we don’t have any control. Well done Kati!
Cannot believe I need a video to help me to be more assertive...I mean some younger people are full of confidents and I wasn't able to be like that at their ages and now I'm working on this. Thanks to my parenthood whom probably raise me like this... And now i'm full of resentment.
These tips are helping me evaluate a situation with one of my close friends, and after I try to talk it out with him, if it still doesn’t work out I think it’ll be time for me to let go
Very helpful. My sister is very aggressive. When I try to assert myself with her she lashes out at me and makes me feel like a bad person. Her favorite line is "you need to do some introspection"! I realize that in the past I have let go and walked out of toxic relationships without giving an explanation or trying to talk it. This is something that I am going to practice going forward as it was not the healthiest thing to do. I am just ready to be assertive and stand up for myself.
I'd like to add something here about self talk. I used to be a negative nelly as I've heard it phrased. And it was really hard for me to exercise that particular demon. In fact the very first time I tried saying to myself with my inner voice that I liked me, I literally guffawed. I had to look around quickly to make sure no one saw me do it too. But I'm glad I had that strong of a reaction honestly speaking because it showed me that this was an important element for me to focus on. I'm not sure how long it lasted but from then on I'd find myself holding internal arguments about not speaking to myself that way. "I'll speak any way I want darn you!...I am you so hush!...So what I'll still have my say!" And it would go on and on like that. But the more I worked on it the weaker that negative nelly voice became. And today, I can't honestly tell you the last time it had the courage to speak up. I'm hoping it's gone for good.
WoW, I been searching for this forever! I live with my sister who I love but talks to me like I’m her child sometimes! I’m a recovering alcoholic and don’t wish practice old behavior anymore! I ordered your book “Are you ok”! You have given me a gift of Hope! Thank you!
I like the poker chip analogy, it is like the spoon theory for persons with chronic illness.
*Some people always want to fight*
Can someone please shout this from every corner of the globe, please??????? Great video, Kati! Thanks for this!!!!
Just watched this for the third time. I am the youngest of twelve.... thank you for helping me develop the tools to keep me in with my family. You are the best!
Thanks you so much kati!! I wish you were my therapist... All the love from Italy 🇮🇹 ♥
I am 59. The narcissist think I am aggressive when I stand up for myself; he invalidates me. I still stand up to him so that I can feel good about myself. It works!
Thank you so much! This is one of the best videos because of how hard it is to explain assertiveness and how to achieve that. Thank you once again!
Tip number 9 is so underrated at the end of this video. Its the most difficult and also most important thing to do... thank you for summarizing how to (or not) to toxic people. PS your book is great Kati!
Yep!!, some people don't know how to talk calmly...
We are only responsible to clean our side of the road , ", our actions..
I spoke up for myself and my husband to a family member. She flipped out on me, made it seem like it was all my fault to the rest of the family, and told me to fuck off as I walked out the door. I was trying to be closer, I was trying to let her know my boundaries, my feelings, and she didn’t care and belittled me. At first I let the family be mad at me for standing up for myself, and then they saw for themselves why I did what I did. I had to walk away, for myself, my self worth and self respect. Unfortunately, I don’t get to see my nephew and nieces anymore, that was a sacrifice I had to make. But, being around someone who made me feel like that is not someone I want myself or my family around anyway. But, I do know that I did try to work it out, it just didn’t work and I’m still trying to be okay with that.
I LOVED acting out the skills in D.B.T. I love how you explain things. You are clear & direct Katey. 😃
I have a tendency to come off as super aggressive when in reality I’m just super passionate/ want you to understand what I mean. I don’t mean to be MEAN, and I’m actually very sensitive and passive. I usually don’t want to stand up for myself. My therapist and I JUST talked about this today! I get it world, work on it. I got it. Sheesh. 😂
I was assertive for once with my sister and she told me that I was acting like my mom (which is not good) and then she said "I'm a mother now. It was really hard to stand up for myself and then I felt like a big jerk. That's why I just usually keep my mouth shut and am a people pleaser.
this is one of your best videos. i ask people whether they see me as assertive or aggressive. it’s so hard to tell the difference. a lot of that nuance is discussed here.
My younger sibling grew up getting away with just about EVERYTHING because my mom never believed me about the complaints I had about him. They were legit. It wasn’t to get him in trouble
I’m getting my dad involved. I’m definitely speaking up! I’m not editing any more family injustice
Being assertive got me lumped up with borderline traits somehow, and when I disagreed and tried to assert myself....apparently that's an irritation symptom.. I've started asking myself is it the clinicians fault or am I not doing something right to properly assert myself to explain myself better. This video came in perfect timing...
Kati this is my first time commenting on a video. I really like to listen to your long videos when I drive long distances on the weekends. I'm going through a breakup right now and it sucks, but your videos don't, so thank you
Christopher Webb Welcome to the Community! Sorry to hear ur going through a rough break-up. I’ll link Kati’s video on getting over a breakup below which was really helpful for me. Also, Kati’s guested on a TON af different podcasts so check those out!
ua-cam.com/video/EJq9RCw5ZlE/v-deo.html
I've been practicing saying no without having an attitude. It's hard, but I'll keep working on it. I hope someday I'll be able to control my anger and frustration so that I can still be assertive. I really need to work on my inner voice. Thanks for the advise Kati. Appreciate you bunches and bundles
I'm tired of being a doormat
I had an incident at work the other day. I cried...one time I was glad to be wearing a mask cause no one saw me. I cleaned cried and processed and thought about what happened. I was going to let it go but didnt want the coworker to think that it was ok to treat me like that so I then asked my managers to talk to the new people and remind them of a procedure. My therapist says I was skillful but she said I need to step in to the conflict. To help me be brave shes having me purchase a Mala for each bead I'm suppose to say one positive affirmation about myself. Overall my Mala is suppose to remind me that God approves of me standing up for myself righteously...its suppose to help give me courage. My therapist also gave me some ideas of what I could say to others.
As someone with abusive family and being an ex military guy some of this stuff is very hard to even understand when you're used to being in all kind of emotional distress and taught to control it so it doesn't have a negative effect.
Lots of great tips here thank you Kati. Having good self care and compassion is important. Its ok to put your own needs first. Some times that does mean saying no to others and not feeling guilty for it. I have reminders so I remember to check in with my feelings regularly and it helps me to avoid being overwhelmed in situations where self assertiveness is required. It takes practice the more I do it the better skilled I become.
Hi Kati. I loved this video! Being assertive is something that I have worked on for years. Thank you so much for your hard work and dedication!
I have fear of reacting to someone's anger because my dad was very abusive and don't want to inflict pain on others since it crushed my spirit as a child
Sometimes it is very convenient for some people to take advantage of your passivity, because they tend to think that you are not doing anything about it!
This is a good one to re-listen to, especially after your "10 things people with mental strength do" video. I started making large flash cards, and I'm going to make one for these two videos. They help remember and remind me.
I LOVE your delivery of these videos, very gentle and understanding, like a true friend! Thank you for your gift and sharing your tips!
thing is, i actually take the advice you give in your videos. it has helped me grow so much as a person. thank you for making these videos❤️
Dear dear Katie, thank you so very much for this video. It really hits home. Bless your heart for tackling tough issues like this. 🤗 ❤️
Needed this video. My anxiety doesn't let me at times do what's best for me.
Same
A therapist once told me that "compromise isn't a good solution / won't work" because both people don't get what they want...which made sense at the time, but present day, sounds totally invalid. Compromise is part of nature (no appeal to nature fallacy) True love is happy to / eager for compromise.
This was so helpful. I split from a long term relationship because it was toxic, best thing I ever did
This helps because I don’t know 🤷🏽♂️ how to speak up for myself as much and this video helps
Great advice Kati! Thank you!
Hey Kati thanks for another great video you inspire me so much to help other people I love you so much you’re such an amazing person❤️
Katie,
I've started working on myself and I sure wish I had found your channel sooner. Your personality makes me feel immensely safe even through the internet and it's helped a lot.
Thanks for all your videos.
Kati can u do a video on why we feel a need to impress our therapist?
Transference
Unknown Name Kati already has a couple of great videos about this that I’ll link below! ua-cam.com/video/peI9oiMbDhY/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/tYQtu7k9M3s/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/aHaXLHRwh1U/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/lx9tlkvmrSw/v-deo.html
She has a few!
omg i felt that
Do we? Lol I really don't follow this. It seem ridiculous that anyone would go to someone and say: "I need help", any then proceed to try n impress them.
An hour ago an acquaintance called me and she roughed me up via the telephone. She expects me to "hold my stand", but the way she tells me this is disrespectful, because she raises her voice to 90 decibels. That loud voice triggers me, and contents of what she is saying comes over to me as aggression. I'm still shaking, my heart rate is up. In my view, what she expects me to do sounds like warfare to me. I don't want that. I want my life to be peaceful and quiet, with as little interaction with other people as possible. I hate being demanded to do things I was brought up NOT to do. I was taught not to challenge the family system. My ideas/opinions were not listened to, shouted down, because I lacked life experience, didn't fit in, to name a few, end of the discussion. As long as I did what was expected, the world was ok. Now my acquaintance wants me to do exactly the things I know lead to conflict. I refuse to put up fights, which infuriates her. She accuses me of triggering her by being "demure" and passive.
So many great points! Some people don’t even realize they’re being toxic. Thank you!!
This is very helpful. I always thought me being triggered means im a bad person. Thanks for posting this video. Now i can start working on being assertive
Love from India!!
I'm not really having a problem saying no, but building the confidence to speak out when I should be has been very challenging. I recently moved into an apartment with 3 very extroverted college guys and for whatever reason there's just so much stress when it comes to interacting with them.
I have no problem looking people in the eye and saying, don't, no or stop very tactfully. The problem I have is they don''t care and still do what they want to force on me. That is one of the reasons I am not working and not in a relationship. That is why I love being on my own. I am broke but it is a less evil.
I feel this is one of your best and most insightful videos I've watched. I've become a huge fan in the last couple of weeks! I love your delivery, how what you're saying matches how it's expressed on your face, something I can't seem to get a grasp of.
I need this so badly I need to work on this. I was taught when you are assertive you are physically struck and/or screamed at and hit. I come from an abusive controlling childhood. A strict religious upbringing. I don’t trust people especially in this world today where you never know if someone could have a gun at a concert mall movie theater or school. People seem so angry today over stupid things like a stolen parking spot or getting cut in line. It’s not worth it. I get afraid to stand up.
I’ve been doing the name 3 things you like about yourself thing for a week or so and it helps me combat the negative self talk. I’ve expanded it to 3 things I’m looking forward to this week/month and 3 things I’m grateful for. I try to do this both first thing in the morning and last thing at night, but even if I just do it at night I feel it’s helped me stop ruminating as much.
I don't have anything I like about myself, soooooo......
For me, there were consequences to being assertive growing up.
I learned to fear authority. As authorities often stood up for the bullies.
I kid you not...I had a teacher in high-school laugh right along with the bullies.
Or when I did tell an adult, they ask “What did you do?” Followed by: “You must of done something.
No one’s gonna if you didn’t do something to deserve it.”
And no, I didn’t do crap to deserve the bullying.
A child hears that and thinks they must have done something. I did.
In my mind if crap happened to me it was my fault. Especially when it wasn’t.
The only acceptable response was shutting down and/or running away.
As a result I’ve ended relationships or transitioned abruptly out of jobs.
Often with the other people (friends and bosses) left wondering what they did.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Last one,#9 I thinking 🤔, is hard when it’s a coworker.
So I just don’t go into personal or triggering subjects with her.
It took me years to finally nail that one cause I was trying,but saw no solution to it!
loved this. you are giving me hope through your videos and they encourage me to get through my limits. i am bipolar and I only take two meds. i started to work out recently since the crisis took place and now I sleep less and I overcame by paunch. thanks a lot.
Hi Kati,
Thanks for all the tips, they are very useful and I will work on few if them!
I really needed this today. I am having trouble with communicating with my boss. I know i need to grow, and learn, so i am not looking to be uncompromising, but i am also trying to relate to them of my own struggles, etc.
Yeah the last part is a critical piece of it. Some people are just too dysfunctional to have a relationship with and you can only go no contact
Perfect timing on this video! Thanks, Kati!
My sister and mum think otherwise when i would talk to myself 😩,after watching this vid and another one,i m convinced now that its nothing abnormal.
My sis would shush me and express her annoyance everytime i would talk loudly to myself back when i was a teen😩
Thank you kati for making this video i used to be the shy girl and keep to myself. And many times i had situations i felt sick of some people walking all over me and getting away with things and since i'm shy it was hard to learn to like speak for myself stand up for myself but now i know when to speak for myself and not really so shy anymore^^ thank you kati for all this advice makes me feel confident to learn to be assertive at times
Thanks alot Kati ❤️. I love your videos. They are so helpful in understanding my own self.
Such a nice coincidence you posted this today. I was just talking with my husband about this last night since I’ve been struggling with it lately when dealing with VERY religious relatives and friends.
One of the best channels . Thanks