How Your Fear of Losing Him Is Actually Pushing Him Away (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)
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- Опубліковано 17 лип 2024
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In this week's episode of LOVELife I take a question from Raquel about a guy who's just not putting forward the idea of a relationship. We get into the difference between liking someone and respecting someone, holding standards for yourself, and the repercussions of being 'nice'. Enjoy!
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Wow. I never realized what a pushover I've been. I am TOO nice. I related to this girl 100%
I too.. been too nice and taken advantage of by many.
Long story short,men are attracted to bitchy women/girls lol!!
same..
Sophia Cabais works the complete opposite way too
Me too i am just that girl... too nice ...
"What if I lose this person because I uphold my standards?" Omg that cuts to the core of my issue. It is all about a fear of loss. Wow...
His tips are not only dating tips, they're life tips. I love it! My biggest problem is compromising my standards because the guy is attractive. I HAVE to stop. Thank You, Matthew.
The only problem is everyone's standards are different. What is a healthy standard? It's usually someone that matches your own, you agree with. But who's to say your standards healthy? And someone else's standard is unhealthy. Very few people catch my attention where I see them as extraordinary. And maybe that's a good thing.
Weronika Krähe same...this is so senseless...we need to stop.
It's sad that people who are nice to others actually lose respect in the process -- shouldn't respect be universal??? It's actually pathetic that attraction is actually increased and respect is decreased based on whether or not someone is nice or not :/
So I've actually had the same experiences as the caller in the video, but as I continue dating and meeting new people I realize it it has nothing to do with whether or not I'm a good person or nice. It's all about acknowledging that I should be valued because I'm a good person and that certain standards and expectations should be met. Being an A-hole only gets you so much attention, but being a good person with standards opens up opportunities for commitment.
It's because we put greater value on things we have to earn and work for. It's just human nature.
But the niceness is superficial--you're not being nice because you're just a super nice person all the time. You're being nice because you're afraid--afraid of upsetting him, losing him--and that's not the same. Someone can be nice, be respectful and still stick to their guns when it comes to respecting themselves. The best people in the world are those who are confident but also kind and humble.
i know right :'(
It's not about being nice or not. It's good to always be nice. But being nice and having someone with no standard, and no self respect is different.
"difference between liking someone and respecting someone" LOVE IT!
"You uphold your standards when it feels convenient for your emotions. You stick up for yourself when it feels like it can't go wrong. But when it feels like it could go wrong and sticking up for yourself would mean losing somebody, you definitely make sure you don't do that." I... how.. ok he just summarized the bulk of my problems in my romantic life within a few sentences. o_o
I know that Matthew is a professional, but no one can deny his dedication to his fans, he just puts his heart out there, and I learned so much from him all over the years.
Absolutely!
Loved this!
This was me and i had the same thing going on , and it was the dumbest thing i did , i accepted all that bullshit , because i putted my self seconde and his needs before mine and now you know what , the guy doesn't even like me anymore , he's done with me and he ignores and after waiting and understanding and giving him excuses now i'm packing my hope and love and draging my sorry ass out of his life , and the worst part is i can't blame him , i have only me to blame for not demanding what i deserve , i'm sharing this so people in the same situation don't do the same mistake i did , be smart and go after what you deserve and never less ...good luck
i hear you. it's so counter-intuitive. Being "understanding and supportive', even if he asks for that, is exactly what you SHOULDN'T be when someone is disrespectful or pushing you away. It's hard to grasp when you were raised to care about people and give them the benefit of the doubt. Let's get in touch with our inner bitch more.
***** it sucks that we can't be ourselves.. That being nice goes against us..
drama2u Your understanding and compassion do not need to be removed altogether: they just need to be removed from people like THAT. It's a little tricky b/c your default state is kindness. But, you can test yourself by asking "would I behave the way he is behaving right now?" and if the answer is "Nope...I wouldn't really do that..." then no kindness is needed: time to remove yourself altogether and reserve the kindness for someone else.
Aww sad to hear that but I've been there too. I've even tried to state my standards with my ex but it backfired.. and now I'm dating a guy who also just gives me crumbs but not asking out he should be so I'm dissapearing as a first step. if be asks why I might state my standards then. otherwise I will try to move on despite I got feelings for him
how can this "backfire"? Do you mean he disappeared when you stated your standards? How is this a bad thing :-) I think it saved you time.
its like "IM IN A DILEMMA BETWEEN WANTING TO DISTANCE MYSELF FROM YOU AND NOT WANTING TO LOSE YOU" 😰😥🤕
irene kate enriquez no need for distance, or emotional black mail. The point here is to be a good friend with the added benefits of a romantic relationship. You’re nice to your friends, but you also let them know if they miss behave. You also bring something to the group dynamic, you don’t just show up and contribute nothing. In a healthy relation it’s much the same. You don’t want to be a pushover but you don’t want to be a very demanding person that contributes nothing and just expects to take. There’s a healthy balance that needs to be found.
I have been there,,,it is so sad
Yes!
You need to ask yourself:
1. What is the reason why you want to let him go?
2. What are the reason why you want to keep him?
When you answer both look at the answers that makes more sense. Then you'll know what to do.
Just have the Guts to do it. Which the hardest. But always remember your Reasons should be stronger than your Emotions.
Goodluck
Im in that stage now.. So confusing..
Undoing years of conditioning is a torture when you are really falling in love with someone.
Keep your relationship in balance. It's wrong as a girl to make no effort in the relationship but don't over do it because it shows neediness. Being needy is really unattractive to look at because your happiness depends on the man which is wrong. Happiness should start from your self and everything else will follow.
I actually teared up watching this bc the reality of how true this is in my relationship is eye opening. My boyfriend ALWAYS asks to go out the day of or calls and asks last minute. I usually give in bc I love spending time with him. I have felt that he takes our relationship/me for granted but geez, I'm the reason he does bc I allow it. Wow!!! Definitely going to start making changes and keep this video as a reminder to not give up when I want to give in. Thank you 😊
Ladies take note.guys WILL rank you on how much effort they hav to put "in" to get what they want. If you act like you hav no life but will drop everything on a weeknd to be available to them ,you are practically a booty call. You want respect? Make him earn it.
Not always.
Games of Difficult are not fun.
Attention is good,interests are good,everything needs to go in a flow,give space but be there.
The same applies for most women in my experience. I guess its a human thing
every time I feel disappointed about what's (not) happening in my love life, I come here and I get so enlightened and filled with good energy. thank you!
watched this video at the right point in my life. I am exactly like the girl on the radio. and Matthew..hands down. Your advice hit the spot. Thanks a lot!!
"you have far more of a chance of keeping people around and having them treat you right if you uphold your standards then if you allow yourself to be a pushover all the time.
the fact is this: if you have attraction for someone, that's one thing; but respect will transform the amount of attraction you have for someone."
I can totally relate. I'm too nice and in the end I'm taken for granted
I actually get attracted more to people who want to please me and make me happy. Who will go out of their way to spend time with me and who will make me a top priority and be there for me when really needed. I did not have this years ago, and really appreciate those who are like this with me now. I respect and care about their heart and can't help but feel love for them and warmth and tenderness.
I think that what you're saying doesn't exclude the person doing that having standards and not being a doormat/taking bullshit. For example, my best relationships were with people who made me a priority and made everything to make me happy, but those people had self respect and boundaries. I respected them and didn't see them as pushovers because they still kept their standards despite pleasing me and prioritising me.
This tells that you have a low self-esteem and those who want to please you have an even lower self-esteem.
I think it takes going through the phase of being over-pleasing and being taken advantage of to truly appreciate these kind of people. I agree, that I definitely get more attracted to people who do this kind of stuff now. Whether it be romantic or in a friend sense. It also makes me call-out people who take advantage of those people because I know how excessive mistreatment can break a person.
Me too!!
@@7Mushrooms7 yes absolutely, these people actually have higher standards now and more self respect that they had before they met me, because of me. They use to let people walk a over them and couldn't be themselves, or stick up for themselves, and they got used. Since they met me they now know how to have a healthy friendship relationship, with someone who genuinely loves and cares for them for who they are, and who doesn't take them for granted. You get back when you put out. We are there for each other virtually at the moment.
This is seriously life changing. This has completely changed the way I will view myself and up hold my standards. I've also been the nice friend who later ends up being pushed aside and called boring. Well, no more. Those days are over. A new me is born. Thank you!
man, hussey you're brilliant. you changed my life right now.
in 10 minutes!! that is crazy!!! how can you always find the exact right thing to say!!
big applause!! :)
Wow Matt you are so good, saying all the ringht things.
So true. The fear to lose a guy brings out the worst behaviour in women...
true
Ive done such stupid things in order to keep a guys interest none of which worked its insecurity..lack of self worth. Self respect is key, I knew that consciously but subconsciously I was repeating a pattern of lack of self respect acquired as a kid…..when people treated me very badly. its deep.
It can be overcome though
thehoneyeffect yep and I kept making the same mistakes with every guy. It's a circle that can only be stopped once you gain genuine confindence and realise your self worth
you're right and it effects every part of your life whether you realise it or not.
I've dated men that Ive put on a pedestal because I thought that they were beautiful, fit, sexy, clever, wealthy, do great things for their community, funny etc.... i tend to pick the same types of men ' bobby dazzlers' 'ballers' dj's, actors, designers, business men, movers shakers, with a lot to say for themselves.
Even though I'm a talented person myself, often the leader, Im a plus size woman and I know that I'm attractive I get told i look like a young chaka khan... what more do i want? Im a designer, educated, i sing, write bla bla bla.
I shrink. I forget. I turn them into deities and I know I'm wrong for that but noone would ever know that that was going on in my mind, teen insecurities pitifully stick like chewing gum on a pair of trainers, still!
To increase my confidence Im trying new stuff, learning languages and traveling to new places meeting new people, performing in new ways and trying to let go of striving for perfection and being so hard on myself.
im rambling lol. in summary self love and remembering your worth, priceless.
oh honey, once I went for a guy who wasn't my type/pattern and he kept telling me how unbelievably sexy I am, goddess, etc.. And this was a turning point for, because I never realized my worth myself or maybe did but still needed reassurance from a guy. This really added to my confidence and from now I carry myself as a goddess just as that guys said and believe me the guys can sense that and act accordingly :)))
so my point is you can do self development, gym, etc etc, but once you meet a guy who puts You on pedestal then you'll never go back to putting yourself second
And if yoy lose someone when you uphold your standarts he isnt the one anyway
Colinda Teeuwisse trueee
periodt.
Can't believe the timing of this video. Absolutely perfect. I learn so much from you Matthew and it's turning me into a better woman.
not only does he talk sense, but he is also so so hawt!!
IKR!
That's more than half of girls and women are here cause he is hawt.
This was me my entire life. Rejection and loss from early on resulted in a scarcity mentality. NO MORE. I can be happy by myself.
Matthew, you just make me all teary-eyed whenever you give advice. Just everything completely makes sense and having huge realizations in my life. I wish I could come to one of your retreats cos I'd just really like to hear more of your insights.
I first watched this video 6 years ago. It still comes to the front of my mind sometimes today. I even remember where I was and how I felt when I first heard it. I honestly think this might be your most impactful video ever Matthew. Especially the question you ask 5 mins in!!
Hi Matthew, I really liked this video..... I think a lot of women settle for less because they are afraid that if they lower their standards, they will either lose the guy. Or have no guy. And some people actually encourage women to let go of their standards because they might push men away. Thanks for encouraging women to keep their standards, especially when it comes to respect.
litterally changed my life. this video was for me......... wow. how on point is this man!
Oh my - the content of the clip is THE BEST thing I have EVER LEARNED on you tube! Matthew, you inspire people everyday to be their best self and kick fear and doubt in the ass! Thanx for your dedication!
This is so spot on for me. I’m definitely joining one of your programs. I feel like I’m making so much progress in my relationships whether personal or romantic but for some reason the ppl I truly don’t want to lose I can’t seem to maintain the same level of boundaries that are necessary and it’s driving me crazy. What I do like about myself is that I’m totally aware and I’m really good at reflecting. I just need a little bit more guidance so I can reach the quality of life I know I deserve. ❤️
I can resonate so much with this. I've been like this lady all my life. Now I have to change. I can't thank you enough Matthew!
After I watched this video I sat here and had to think about it for 30min. It fits so perfect to my current situation. Everything is making sense now ...
Thank you for this video!
this one was hitting home for me!!! thanks for calling in and airing this convo!!!
I felt like he was talking to me ! I'm facing same situation " liking someone is not same as respecting" I was just like WOW !!! you made things clearer, so thank you so much we appreciate you
You are extremely aware Hussey!! I do alot of personal development so to hear a different point of view is always refreshing and eye opening!
5 1/2 years later and this video is still reaching ppl - it just helped me ❤
It's like you always know what I need to hear! But it's really hard for me sometimes, because I always think people will find me awkward and avoid me. It's something really hard to control. Your videos have been helping me a lot. I've changed so much and all my friends noticed that. But I can't help but please people so they won't reject me. I'd love to hear more about this subject in the future! Thanks
Thank you Mathew. I can say that I found the man of my dreams and we have been together for more than a year. In part, you are responsible for this.
I had to pause this video multiple times just to process. Mathew, you have the kindest soul. It shows, you genuinely want to help people. Why can't all men be like this?
5:34 Hearing this is healing. Fear of loss thus lowing my standards. Thank you Matthew.
Thank you So Much for keeping it Real with us Matthew!!! Peace & Blessings to You & Your Loved Ones Always!!!
Matthew has such a brilliant understanding of people's interactions and communication psychology. I sometimes think how many crying beaten souls he cured and calmed with his wisdom, and prey he can keep sharing it for years to come..
Wooow why am I only finding this now?? Matthew you are absolutly amazing, only today I've found your videos and they are helping me sooo much. It's incredible so hear you talk with such racional and clear thoughts! I can only imagine you have already been deeply hurt , and later spend quite some time thinking, truly thinking about what wasn't working out! THANK YOU
Upholding the standards, this tip is not only apply for dating but for other areas of life. Thank you.
WOW!!! WOW!!! wow!!! I was really frustrated today u uploaded this very helpful video !!! It fits into my situation. I read many books but this "Respect" thing opened my eyes!!! Now I get it... Now I get it why my boyfriend and ex boyfriends treated me bad at the end...! Thank you!!!
Wow. I feel as mind blown and freed as that girl on the call. I COMPLETELY AGREE. I do the same thing. Hate the people that are push overs but I hate those qualities in them because I recognize them subconsciously In Myself... then I praise those with high standards yet at the same time become resentful when they don’t give me the respect I feel I deserve.. however I struggle with carrying myself with respect... THANK YOU FOR PROVIDING GENUINE VALUE. ♥️😎♥️🙌🏽
Matthew you are an incredible person. Thank you for posting these videos
So needed to hear this very different and basic way of seeing this behavior of my own!! Thankyou!
By the way, congratulations on hitting 100.000 subscribers! You deserve it.
This really applies to me in every aspect of my life. Thank you so much Matthew!
Wow 5 years later and this is still me. I am too nice. I don't create boundaries and I'm left without respect because of fear that I'm going to lose them. Wow. Thank you,
WOW! Thanks Matthew! This puts a lot of things in perspective. My girlfriend broke up with me some time ago and started dating again that hurt me a lot.. After seeing this (and your other videos) it makes it a lot easier to cope with and see that she wasn't the one for me. Wish I could thank you in person!
Couldnt watch this at a more perfect time! This man has so much knowledge, and I love he is using this to help women!
Both Matt and the girl on the phone were so clear and articulate about the situation and the underlying issue of being afraid to show her standards to her new date.I can totally relate although I'm still not entirely sure how to go about showing standards without accidentally going too far and being too difficult (for example saying no to last minute date invitations because I'm trying to raise my standards so a guy will ask me a few days in advance... But then he gives up and I sit at home alone on a Saturday night)... Whenever this happens to me, deep down, I can't help but take it as must "just desserts" for trying to be high value. It's hard to hold a standard in the face of abandonment if any kind. Excommunication hurts even when I don't care that much for a guy.
"It's hard to hold a standard in the face of abandonment...". Exaclty. In order to "hold my standard" and not compromising myself I lost a guy I care so much for. I was so "uptight" to the point of hurting his feelings and letting him feel undesired and unloved. I felt so bad, so guilty and stupid, and even if I apologised later it was actually too late. God, how I wish I could go back in time and change my answer and speak openly and clearly about how I cared for him.
Love listening to your answers Matthew they are straight to the point,and you put in such a format that is so smooth,and it becomes easy to digest. Love you you so much.God bless you
wow! this is a life-changing advice matthew! the nicest people are just the ones who are always taken for granted.. hmmm... being nice to people you love and forgetting yourself is a dangerous thing in a survival of the fittest world. the ones who are content and assertive are the ones that win the prize.
I really wanted to thank the lady who had the bravery to call about this because it is not only you. As I watched this, my ENTIRE dating life flashed before me and what I've been slowly coming to realise was further reinforced by Matt's gentle but frank honesty. Its taken me most of my life to finally realise my worth but I'm sick of the B.S. Now I simply think if the guy can't handle the truth then its no great loss anyway. Great....great video 👍👍👍
This has resonated with me in ways I cannot even explain. I overbend for people, please them in many ways possible and I've been like that for as long as I can remember. I grew up as an obedient person, always ready to assist and offer service especially when I feel someone needs help (even when they don't ask for it). Now as an adult I am realising this affects me in my relationships and at work.
Being constantly available makes people take you for granted. I have lost relationships because of that. Now I know they left.
This video really spoke out to me. I had to listen to it twice! Great insights!
thank you so much, Matthew, for this video. I am watching it again because this is MY problem and it's going to be fixed immediately!!
I actually can't believe how much this has helped thank you at first I thought what am i doing you tubing this but thank god i did .much appreciated for the ideas and help
This caller is so me. I've been better the last six months about telling people what I want and expect. But I haven't held anyone to those standards... As of 8pm last night, all of my problematic relationships have boundaries firmly set. I feel a little lonely but also proud of myself! Gonna save this video do I can remind myself of this all year.
Yey 👏🏼
Wow. This really opened my eyes. Thank you, I needed to hear this.
This young guy is brilliant! I'm in my 50s and back in the dating scene...Ugh. But I'm learning alot from this young man and I'm so happy I found him here. A lot of older men are so stupid these days and don't know how to treat women and I end up being hurt because I want so much to be love and respected...Now after watching Matthew, I know what to do. Thank you young man and keep up the good work! Cheerio!!!
I love this guy so much!!! I never realized until this moment I do the same thing. I defend and stick up for myself when I know the people aren't going to leave me and I don't stick up for myself when I think I might lose them.....how crazy is that😲!!!!
I feel this as well. I don't get that level of commitment and or respect from even my "friends." And I get upset and wonder why those people aren't there for me the same way I am for them, and it's really simple! I am ALWAYS there when they need me, but when it goes the other way around, there's always an excuse of some sort. Very eye opening!
Wow.....just wow-that opened up my eyes! Thank you! 😃
Beautifully put Matt. Very practical and relatable. Thanks for the thought.
Respect plays a major role in dating.. it's true I gravitate more to those that stand up for themselves. Then turn around and coward out at the thought of someone leaving me...
Matt, you are Amazing !!! && I meant it. Thanks for helping me figure out where I was going wrong. Never could have figured it out on my own. Thanks and I luv u.
The way u explain is soo clear and brief ...Thanks
lightbulb moment for me! holy shit, i can’t believe i’ve allowed people to treat me this way all my life. Thank you Matthew!
MATTHEW U R AMAZING!! I can completely relate to this caller
Thank you for this video. I was just sitting here thinking, where was this video a couple months ago! Seriously need to reread your book.
To myself as I listen to her probmem: YES! Finally one that is similar to my situation!!!!!!
It's insane how what Matt tells her relates to me so much...
This video has changed my life. Thanks Hussey❤
Have listened to this video several time but HOLY SHIT it's finally clicking and I can 100% relate especially right now. I do the EXACT same thing! ugh! such great stuff!!! Thanks you guys! Listening again and again!
Gotta quote Raquel here and go: "WOW." Thanks so much for this. Again, a pearly piece of advice.
+MatthewHussey, An incredibly valuable moment for your caller. I admire how you're able to dig deep in such a short amount of time. Your questioning is perfect. How you treat your callers with such respect and sensitivity makes me feel quite emotional actually. Powerful! I love your videos, but speaking directly to people who are lost and confused is where it's at! :) x x
The tone of your voice is very special, Matthew.
great vid, and it gives me total enlightenment of how you valued yourself. I am very open person so most of the time, I give myself to give-in the situation simply because you don't what to loose the guy and you think he deserves it the effort. But in other way, you feel unhappy part of your heart because you don't feel your worth. Oh this is so hard....
😭😭😭😭I'm sooooo that person... Don't uphold my standards but really don't like people that just are trying to please me all the time...
Matt you are Legend. I REPEAT LEGEND
Im so grateful for this information it cjange the game 360 degrees... thsnk you again
This was is 100%! I have a big fear of loss when I really like someone and end up bending over backward for them and end up driving them away and losing them. This is why It's easy to date someone I didn't care too much for, since I would uphold my standards easily.
This guy has light in his mind. Love him.
Hey Mat, I keep commenting this, you are a genius! Keep doing what you're doing !!!!!
Thanks to Matthew's advice about how to establish respect early on (within the first 2 weeks of meeting a guy), I know how to better handle guys I meet now and communicate my boundaries, have self respect but still keep the interest/spark going. :)
That was really amazing... Matt you make so much sense.
Wow, I really needed this advice!
So much profound goodness in this video/conversation. I definitely had that Ah-AH moment too! Thanks Matthew!
I cant believe so many people are going through what I am and that Matthew actually gets it
Yes, there should have been someone like you on the radio when I was in my 20s. It would have helped me out. I love on the young men on the radio teaching young women what they are doing wrong. Of course, helping the women find men helps men. When I was young we had the women's lib telling us the wrong direction to go in. Such a shame.
Okay this getting scary... most of your videos are answering my life problems. I was searching about how to deal with men but then what I get from you are lessons to deal with life. I have the exact problem like this girl. People who I care so much are mostly doesn't really care about me. It hurts me so badly. Now I know why. I don't really know how should I treat them now. But from your advices, I think I should take some steps back from all of them. Start loving my life, enjoying being with my self, so I wont be scared of losing anybody because I have my self who will be there for me forever. Once again, thank you Matt. I'm couldn't wait to watch next videos of you. It will be another lesson I can learn from you! Thank you thank you thank you!
Thanks, Matthew!! This video helps me on the same issue too!!
Mathew speaks wisdom and wisdom is truth. God will bless you for saving us the ignorant ones out here😘
thank u so much!!! I really needed it! u r amazing!
So many eye openers! Love your vids, thanks Matthew :)
This is saving my relationship.
Situation that you've created and allowed!
So very true 👍