I simply don't pretend. You can save loads of energy that way as an aspie. I go about my days as if everyone else around me is insane. You'd be suprised how emotionally unsure people are about their neurotypical stereotypes when you challange them.
3 years too late, but I'm glad to find a fellow ASD who hates wasting his already limited mental energy on stupid pretending and sees normies as crazy instead. Been doing that my whole life, ages before I got diagnosed and never even suspected being ASD. And can definitely relate on the last part- if you can't even properly and logically explain yourself why you're doing something and how exactly is it "normal", why the heck do you react to me like in a zoo if I'm not doing that very thing exactly like you (or not at all)?
My biggest issue with this is that it becomes a way of living. People try to “fake it till they make it”...but instead of using this as a short-term tool & eventually ‘making it’. They just learn to fake it so well that it becomes a lifestyle & they ‘fake’ their entire lives....& expect us to play along =/
Advice for NTs and advice for those on the spectrum doesn't always overlap, it really sucks to be in a bad situation when NTs cannot help you and they really want to
Is this where we got the tagline "worst advice you can give to an autistic" and the video with it discussing masking!? I don't like that injunction either: always seemed confoundingly at odds with the flow of negative comments and advice I'd attract and somehow just made my mind go blank and uncomfortable, I didn't seem to have the stuff in my head that made it mean anything, how I was as opposed to what people wanted from me. That other video talked about contrasting ideas and experience of yourself in relation to conformity and collaborative fit with other people, so that made sense. Did it develop in response to these comments - the video and the blessed diagram illustrating conformity as a trait-scale, psychological stylee! Superficially almost the opposite to this video but it's not neccesarily so, there's underpinnings that link both angles in the detail. Some of its about autism and some of it's about humanity generally and a broader linguistics conversation. All optional of course. But I mean in a bit more detail, that's about parts of speech such as greetings and similar middle of conversation check-ins (phatic communication and speech in action - in technical parlance maybe!?), Grice's Maxims (Tom Scott's video was a revelation), and the role of verbal and nonverbal practical information sharing in different boxes in a conversation (eg: imagine an old-fashioned Yorkshireman says 'how do!?' brightly or glumly or with exasperation and the reply "Alreet" comes back similarly as appropriate to his mood - a lot of practically useful information conveyed efficiently. And it's a greeting ritual not a probing prompt for a deeper discussion of how you're doing, which might be undertaken at a more convenient time. And yet even then being our real selves sometimes confuses or causes consternation, true for everyone but more true for more marginalised groups generally including autistics. And I also think standard English is almost deliberately unclear and allows for some fluidity between these two boxes and I don't know the exact reason for that, it's probably complex. I think I try and live my life by Grice's Maxim's in a slightly different way to NTs. The idea of cooperation and collaborative effort is my only liferaft but quality and quantity are harder!
I'm trying to explain this to a ND friend actually because they only think of themselves. I love them but I keep telling them I hate travel. Then they go "im sorry :(" then they change our travle plans to a meauseaum or add on MORE to our travle and im having a meltdown over it
Yeah uptight, that's how I always thought of myself, but it's a trait that's part of your temperament or something I think because I don't think it really fluctuates
I hate doing anything that I perceive as ‘lying’, so I try to find a truthful in-between. I usually respond with something short if I’m not feeling like having a conversation. When someone asks ‘how are you?’, I might say ‘oh, hanging in there!’ and make a silly face. I might mention something that IS going good, like ‘I’m loving this weather’. If someone asks me what’s wrong, I’ll often say something like ‘nothing major, just a little low energy’ Finding that balance of being honest with yourself and others is tricky. I’m working on it myself!
Yes I also usually take a +1 -1 approach. I'm a bit sick but okay otherwise. etc. Trying to zero out the positive and negative and end up with something luke warm but tonally friendly.
I don't pretend..Many think that I am too blunt and cold.. I'm just answering what is asked or stating the obvious. I am not much liked as I tend to be literal and regimented. People are not used to that. You may have seen joke t-shirts that say,,,I can't "people" today. well I can't people most of the time
The worst part for me is how deep and insurmountable the fatigue can seem. The longer I fight to avoid my boiling point the more profoundly intimidating recovery feels after burnout.
I masked all my life like a pro, because I got yelled at and hit as a child when I wasn't masking good enough. Result: masking feels like my 2nd nature, even with a C-PTSD and a burn out going on. Very bitter...
I was forced to do the same, and as I am actually unable to do so for extended periods I wasn't actually able to develop my true personality until late into high school where I was able to set up so many redundancies, fail-safes, and backup plans that I basically became unpunishable. Every attempt at punishment was met with no change, and the one time she attempted to force one all she did was cut herself off from the rest of the world - I managed to remain with all important coping mechanisms and tools intact for the first time in my life.
can't say i know exactly what you're going thru but i can definitely 100% agree with your comment. i don't think i'll ever truly be completely okay with childhood but i am every day able to see so so so much silver lining. and it does sometimes feel like a disservice to myself to not make the most of it.. but yeah sometimes its just like 'nah that's fk'd up idgaf who u r' i had been hospitalized 3 or 4 times (legit don't recall how many, exactly) for panic attacks. from out of no where too. and im visibly panicking, all the tests showing clear proof that im having a meltdown all the while im saying "yeah im fine, i know it looks bad but this is normal" ffs man i wasn't "aware" at the time but in hindsight i now *KNOW* beyond any doubt it was all just because i had a persona-cramp lol. like my mask got stuck. i couldn't take it off even when i KNEW i might actually have a fkn heartattack if i don't just fucking drop it. and i couldn't. fkn scares the shit outta me that i'd rather appear normal so badly that my subconscious was willing to killitself so the only part of me left was the person the world wants. idk if that helps anyone. partially selfish of me to rant over someone else's comment. hope that's okay. my intention was just to say "i hear ya" or something but then that happened. and i actually feel better now. didn't know i didn't feel okay either lol so thanks
As a child/teenager I was constantly told to "adjust myself"; my parents so lovingly called it "constructive criticism". My voice was too low, too high, I spoke too fast, then it was apparently too monotonous and they'd ask me "why I was so serious (or even angry) all the time". And of course, there's my lack of eye contact which was constantly criticized and which now apparently has led me to making too much eye contact when someone else is talking, smh. I remember asking them: "It seems nothing I do is ever right -- when can I be allowed to be myself?"
Pretending is part of what led to my final burnout. As an undiagnosed high functioning child I spent 100s of hours in front of the mirror trying to get my facial expressions just right. To this day I still practice how to say, Hello, to someone. The numerous facial tweaks, voice, timbre, and tone vary so much as to be maddening at times. Since burning out I have become significantly less functional than I have probably ever been. Whereas, if there had been a diagnosis and more understanding I might have been able to pace my interactions and stayed mentally healthier.
So recogniseable ! They call it autistic burnout ... I think I got such a thing too, it made me look and behave hella autistic for two years, I just couldn't pretend anymore, people didn't even recognise the tone of my voice or my walk!
I held down a decent job for 5 years n a row, but the stress of full time made me start to develop Tourette syndrome type vocalizations. Then I had a full on Asperger's burnout, and total meltdown in my early 30's, and started having homicide dreams every night. It's been a couple years now, 2 or 3, and it hasn't gotten much better. I haven't been able to recuperate enough to even go back to working part time. At least my Nightmare disorder hasn't been too hellish lately, my waking life is, though. "Oh, I'll never kill myself to save my soul" "I'm finally holding on to letting go!" - Slipknot.
I'm half the man I used to be This I feel as the dawn It fades to gray Well, I'm half the man I used to be This I feel as the dawn It fades to gray Well, I'm half the man I used to be This I feel as the dawn It fades to gray Well, I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be
I don't think it's a neurotipical's thing, more like a western thing. I'm Russian and if someone here asks you how are you, they usually actually want to hear the honest answer. If they don't care, they won't ask.
@@CoolhandLukeSkywalkr Most Russians don't live in extreme poverty.... They have their smart phones and tablets and laptops and Wi-Fi and gaming systems and so on. More Chinese products now I suppose... And yes, Russian women know how to dress, but it's showoff-ish. And the reason is because there aren't a lot of men in Russia, so the competition is high. Fetishizing Russian and Slavic women is gross and dangerous because it results in Russian women who don't know any better getting taken advantage of and treated like slaves in foreign countries by people like you.
@@anascarlet Roughly half of Russians make $150.00 a month USD, or less. That is extreme poverty. If you make more than that, Russia doesn't even consider you "In poverty". Seems we have a difference of opinion of what rich is. I've talked to a lot of Eastern European girls, got to know them, they don't come from money. They know what it's like to have to use candles to light your home, etc. and it has kept them grounded, they are also more traditional in their beliefs and gender specific roles. They are unabashedly girly girls, and they are modest, unlike uppity Westernized women. Russia's economy is like half the size of India's. Do you think the people of India are wealthy? You know they all want to move to the US or the UK, right? No one is "fetishizing" Russian and Slavic women, I'm not. I just find them attractive, you freaky ding bat. I'm over 30% Eastern European. I'm allowed to like/prefer my own race, aren't I?
@@CoolhandLukeSkywalkr extreme poverty is living in an African village, not in an apartment with running water, heat and electricity. You also can't exactly judge someone's level of poverty by USD because the prices are totally different in their country. But yes, in Russia, when the lights go out, you use candles for like 30 minutes until they come back on. But that's not using candles all the time to light your home... P.S. Eastern European isn't a race lol. We're talking about culture and economy. And if you think Russian girls don't come to western countries for money, you're delusional.
@@CoolhandLukeSkywalkr I don't want to move to Russia... And Moldova is a totally different country IDK what it has to do with this. I'm just offended that you're saying Russians are more empoverished than they are. Yeah, some can't earn enough money to buy groceries so they grow it themselves... But others have their (Chinese) tech. And you make it sound like all Russians are empoverished. If you look at the internet and see Russians there, Russians aren't empoverished.
My analogy: It’s like being the software update that none of the users are willing to accept. The user is so used to the programmed response that the update becomes a huge inconvenience to them. They would rather keep a program consistent with what is familiar then update to prevent security issues.
I like to compare with android and iOS... Both are OS and have almost same funcionalities and apps but is totaly different behind it, one dont "understand" the other becouse wasnt made to this, just accept the fact that android can copy the Apple apps and Apple can design same interface of Android, but noone of them will be good enough if youre trying to force whats not natural made for.
i have spent all my life trying to understand myself and why was so hard or almost impossible "to run and App" till i discorvered thats was becouse my OS needs another data architecture. But isnt the hardest part... much more dificult to pretend that youre not different becouse noone accept the fact that we exist and cannot change the "OS", and part of the fault is becouse WE ARE HIDDING OURSELVES
@@JunnyFreitas Funny you should mention that as an analogy as I think it works a little better than expected. You see, Android is an incredibly flexible OS that can be programmed to understand iOS, where the reverse does not hold true.
@@plushpuppy32 But we have to answer it somehow, so we have to process spirit of the question (as an ice breaker or genuine interest) based on the context and manner in which it is asked. Not so easy as it seems.
haha - My filters and shields go down during low battery moments. I suck at pretending. I tell people how it is - especially if i am tired and their reactions loop in my head for hours/days/weeks sometimes. Thanks for the video shares as always - helps with introspection, reflection and self acceptance. :-)
It is exhausting. I call it going on auto pilot. Just spewing out mindless sentences, pre made, practiced, etc. Mind numbing. I used to not mask so much in high school, which grant it wasn't the best trial period of my life, but people were so thrown off by it. I've been experiencing some burn out now. I am a stay at home mom currently and constantly feel like I'm on mom mode, then wife mode, social mode, etc. Where am I? Where have I gone? I struggle so deeply with finding myself and recharging, especially as a mom. It's tiresome.
Keeping a consistent daily routine as much as possible helps. Also the kids have nap/quiet time every afternoon for a couple of hours. The older ones don't have to sleep, but they do have to be in their rooms doing a quiet activity like reading or drawing.
I have two children and I struggle a lot. I haven't found any resource on how to be a mum if YOU have aspergers (or you are quite sure you have in my case). I always find artictles about how to live happily with your autistis son. Hey, girls and women are effected, too! If you have any recommendation, please let me know, I'd appreciate it.
"NTs get thrown when you go off script" lol true true. imagine being a person that doesn't interact but rather just speaks to a script. I appreciate your videos in coping strategies, but I'm so obstinate about authenticity, that I'm not sure I'm ever going to learn. 34 years old and I still get pissed that people want be to be like this, even though I understand the expectation of the world
I'm a very honest person and, to me, pretending is a form of deception which really affects me on a moral level. I hate doing it, I'm not very good at doing it and it exhausts me and just feels horrible. It is a massive burden to carry and I feel like such a fraud.
Your ability to put into words what so many of us are experiencing off and on yet on a regular basis is simply amazing Paul!! So... thank you for sharing your great gift with us!! I'm on the path of of learning to "feel" when my system is feeling better and not to let others determine when. Hard enough!! All the best to you and everyone in this community!!
It's interesting how cultures differ in their level of politeness-directness. In the Netherlands for example, it's accepted to answer that you feel sick and don't feel good, neither is it expected to pretend you like something if you don't, etc. Many expats, like Americans, experience this direct aspect of the Dutch culture either as off-putting, or as a relief.
For me, as an American, it is a relief. I actually find myself having increasing hatred for this country with each passing month, maybe even each week. This nation is a nation full of liars and fakes, I can’t take it anymore.
Some social rules are indeed there to manipulate and force agendas, and thus quite bad. But then there are some of them make plenty of sense. For instance, acknowledging other people by saying "hi", even if you don't know them is a basic form of making other people feel comfortable and welcome and thus better able to perform their required tasks, even though it's very unpleasant for an Autistic person to have to summon the courage to look at unfamiliar people and to actually say something to them. As long as it makes sense and serves to get the best out of other people, then a little discomfort can be acceptable. The trouble is when there's too much of it - a lot of "a little discomfort" can quickly escalate into "way too much discomfort". And then there are the poorly defined social rules that may make a lot of sense once explained adequately, but they aren't explained in a way that are comprehensible to the Autistic individual and are therefore not possible to make sense of, so they come across as the "bad kind" of social rules to someone on the Spectrum.
Absolutely! I still struggle with the supposedly simple "how are you doing today?" I answer the question that is asked rather than perform the ritualised greeting ceremony. If you ask me how I am I will tell you... If you don't want to know the answer don't ask. If I ask the question I am interested in the real answer, because I care. If you answer in a formula I feel fobbed off because I know it's not true 😒
Totally makes sense! Thank you for articulating these thoughts. It is such a struggle to put together words to try to express these feelings, and then to be met with disbelief or outright rejection for being 'too difficult'. It is incredibly validating to know someone else thinks and feels the same. So. Thank you again.
It's a bit of a thing at the moment that "masking" which is basically pretending, is an autistic trait often missed in females as we are often skilled at this from a young age. It is extremely draining! However, I also believe this trait is overlooked in males (especially older ones that "know the script") So while I believe "masking" is an important factor when assessing females, the prevalence should not be discounted in males. Please comment if you are an Aspie male who masks to navigate and deal with the NT world (especially work) Cheers for another great video Paul. Hope you were able to get the rest you needed while you were sick.
It took me a while to learn to "mask" but i am 20 and i have been doing it for half my life, and i can pretend to be normal but its like running a marathon, its exhausting as hell. I think males just take a little longer to master that skill. I am unemployed because i literally cant get through a day in public unless im on anxiety medication. The pretending is just stressful
I am 27 now and recently realised that I have essentially been subconsciously masking all my life. My typing is significantly different to how I speak, my accent is strange (South African, been asked if I'm American by a substitute teacher, and once a guy at uni asked snidely if I was British when I asked where the bathroom is). I find it necessary to almost "dumb down" my speech (not that I think people are stupid or anything, just that my natural speech comes across as stiff). I rehearse social situations often while alone, going into full hypothetical conversations to try to eliminate social uncertainty. I deny myself joy a lot because of guilt I feel. I tell people I don't watch TV or movies or anime anymore and the truth is, it's emotionally too stimulating and I tear up often and that embarrasses me. I also have fairly vivid memories of embarassing things I've done since a very young age (3 years), and I feel like I use those as references to adjust my persona. I am not diagnosed but I am fairly certain I am on the ASD spectrum, as it also explains a lot of my feelings when I was younger. Romance terrifies me, and I think that's the one part of my development that was especially stunted, because it's harder to study and you have fewer examples of what intimacy is like to follow. I think this is also why I hated going out drinking, but would force myself to do it because it was normal. I would feel like I was watching a documentary on National Geographic about a different species. Now that I'm aware of what I do it is a bit easier.
I love your demonstration of a pretend smile!! The person who used to insist that I smile when I didn't feel like it then decided, "that's not a smile, that's just showing your teeth" and not worth demanding of me. (the thought of biting WOULD pass through my mind with the forced smile...) The more understanding person would coach me on tactful things I could say without getting seriously off script - "Surviving, thank you" could pass when "Fine, thanks" was expected, whereas "Not doing well today, unfortunately" would not. It was a lovely solution.
That makes perfect sense. I find it practically impossible to mask most of my autistic traits(i.e. I know how to do it but it requires EXTREME effort that I can't sustain for more than about 10-15 minutes or so) already so people often find that I don't always respond as expected. Thankfully for me I rarely have to pretend to be in a good mood because I am always so fascinated by the world around me, and therefore I am usually quite happy with the exception of when I recently had to deal with sensory overstimulation.
We lack so much authenticity in the world from people and a lot of the time people cannot handle authenticity, we have to be honest to ourselves though and do radical honesty even if it's scary or challenging to do.
Thanks for sharing this...this makes so much sense. And not only does it feel like rejection for me, but it also just makes me feel like an outright fraud - all the time. Because I know it isn't who I really am. And it's additionally draining because it gets angering to always feel that why am I the one to have to adjust myself to make everyone else comfortable when things like that don't even cross their mind? (I've asked some of them directly and know they don't intentionally feel like they're pretending for anyone else. It sounds amazing to be able to just talk (or not) without constantly worrying about my performance and script.) It's nice to hear I'm not the only one who thinks that way.
:( I can completely relate to this, my job is VERY hard, I work in complaints, and then the stress of that having to speak to everyone at work, and pretend I'm somebody I'm not/happy, is so draining, and it's upsetting! it makes me sad seeing everyone else seem so in tune with ' something ' and I constantly feel like im on the outside looking in.
1:02 this is what I am so extremely confused by when I go to English speaking countries. "How are you", doesn't mean how are you, it means hello. And it's such a weird thing to say instead of hello.
It actually doesn't mean hello. It's an alternate greeting prompting a variety of possible responses. This is what is called a polite conversation opener.
Thank you! I was so fed up with having to pretend today, and this unexpectedly showed up in my youtube recommendations! (which is creepy, but I was still happy with it) Hearing other aspies talking about how frustrated they are with the NT world strangely helps (which seems like an NT thing! I used to feel worse when I heard that someone else was also having the same troubles -oh no, how sad for them, isnt there a solution? ) but as I 've gotten older and lonelier ( :,D ) I can really appreciate it. Also because I secretly think aspies will take over the world and we will change everything for the better, lol
I COMPLETELY understand. It's hard being in a world that seems to cater and encourage pretending like its currency. I've had it as well. I've burned out countless times because of the false persona. So now I've made certain changes and let people know I have limits now. If they accept it (which most dont) then that's a win. Maybe one day, I'll find a partner who can fully understand that. Thanks for posting, your content means a hell of a LOT to me!
Hi Paul,thank.you.for sharing thus... i feel.the same way about pretending and i lost a lot of friends...because i broke contact with them! I don't want people around me anymore,who make ma pretend to be okay when i'm not...i hate people who want to make me behave positive all the time and lie to other people about how i feel
Me2 i hate it. I can't pretend all the time. I gave up few years ago. Just gonna be myself, don't care if they like it or not. Now i know at least who is open minded and those aren't.
Ha! Your brain was working just fine and making total sense! I pretend to a point, kind of required in my job. However, I stopped with the expected "Hi. How are ya?" years ago. Now I say "Hey. Nice to see you" as I continue walking. If someone says "Hi. How are you?" I say "Good, but I'm so late! C u later." I don't even stop. I do this even when I'm not late. If it ever comes up, I just laugh and say I'm a "chronic time under-estimator." No one ever questions this. It's very freeing! Thanks for this video!
I completely agree. I think it's because "pretending" socially is too much akin to lying, and it's very difficult for people on the autistic spectrum to prevaricate. We're usually accused of being tactless and brutally honest, instead. And it can be tiring to keep up a false face. On the other hand, I LOVE acting! I love to step into a role and be someone other than who I am. Weird?
Hi, Paul. They say everyone in crazy, just not diagnosed yet! I always felt as a puzzle piece in the wrong puzzle. Still, I am a NT, I like looking in the eyes of the person I am talking to. But I hate pretending as well, I am open and honest and most people tend not to believe me, because, as they say - "everybody has something to hide", or "everyone has a hidden agenda". For me is difficult to lie - I can tel "white lies" - I tell the truth in the less hurtful and most constructive way. I can be polite when required, but don't pull of my strings. I believe if something has to be hidden, then it's shameful., or too close to the heart to be exposed. I still look into my own eyes in the mirror and can respect the person I see. I am intuitive and easily emotionally overwhelmed. I understand and respect your work and I like the way you're putting it all out, the way you're expressing all the things - clear and sharp. I liked the way you described your interests - the whole bunch contained in that "what makes people tick". As an analyst engineer myself, I like seeing the world from your point of view.
55f Aspie lady here. Masking was so unbelievably exhausting and it does make us feel like we cannot be our authentic selves. I have found that I am unable & frankly unwilling to mask anymore. My brain is valid and precious. I have done 30 yrs of healing and I finally came home to myself this year. In a global pandemic. If ppl ask me how I am, I tell them. If you have a loving tribe, they truly care how you are. If ppl don’t care, simply vibe away from them and do not waste your precious energy masking for them. If anyone calls you weird or freaky, say thank you and vibe away from those judgy types. None of us are required to be inauthentic or to dim our AU-some light for neurotypicals. Find your tribe-they are out there and they will accept and love you maskless. Love to all! Thanks for your vids, Paul. Keep shining and feel better soon!
This makes me so happy!! Thank you so much!! Everyone has been telling me this!! Because of your video. I’ve found that I truly might have autism. I feel the exact feelings I are feeling. It’s been so hard to find more people like me. I hate pretending. I wish there were groups I could go to for this so I could have more people that think similarly to me. I’ve lost friends because I’ve been emotionally inappropriate towards them when I really am going through a lot. They just say ignore the feeling.
"Ignore the feeling", erm right. That's like telling someone who just stubbed their toe and is screaming bloody murder to just "ignore the feeling of pain". You can't command your brain to not register pain, but you can train yourself to not show that you're in pain. The question is just whether it's a good idea.
Some neurotypicals also hate pretending...I hate having to pretend to be ok when i am NOT feeling ok...The way i see it, if someone asks me "how are you?" I will take this as a sign of genuine interest in my wellbeing...Therefore, i should be allowed to respond in a genuine manner...If my response is negative, i should not be judged for it...!!!...If pretending is so-o-o uncomfortable for some genuine neurotypicals, my heart bends towards you all on the spectrum...This world should stop promoting hipocracy and should embrace transparency (at least in this respect)...
I keep trying to understand my brother with autism. I'm starting to giving up for such burden. I have been suffered from such annoyance for a decade trying not to get mad even if he cannot relate not respecting my personal space. I know it is important to deal such ridiculous triggers such as excessive noise or others. Remember that I am human too. When times when crossed the line. Not to mentioned, trying to harmonize with autistic people with violent issues is leading to a toxic life. I had tried to be patient, stoic, whatever I can to keep the boundaries between us as subtle as I can. There are times I got snapped, being biased by my parents, never understood how I feel. I'm not good at talking at this kind of topic but you know what I mean. It is hard to deal autism, especially when I'm depressed. Emotionally stressed. It is impossible to stay calm
Pretending is the top reason why I hate job interviews. Both parties are expected to pretend and follow the script, which I never seem to get the hang of 😬
Some of the things that people do normally is draining to me. The social song and dance that people do I feel is silly but its needed/wanted by them. I do my best to dance along but I see no real point.
I'm not diagnosed but I feel this. I always anticipate when someone asks "how are you" and I automatically say "good" or "fine" even when I'm not and I just don't want to be bothered. There are times where I'll remove myself from a social situation (even in my own house, I still love with my parents and my older sister is living here currently as well) and I'll heavily sigh and think to myself 'I don't want to pretend anymore' or 'I don't feel like playing pretend' but I HAVE to keep doing it and it's just SO draining. I'm not that good at it but I guess I'm good enough because no one seems to catch on.
I can relate to this so much right now. I’ve been hiding in the bedroom pretending I don’t feel well just so I don’t have to go out and pretend I’m OK in front of my partner. I tried being out with my partner and pretending everything was OK, and it was too exhausting. It’s easier to say I just want to sleep. I can stay in the bedroom and cry this way. The situation is so complicated and I just don’t have the energy to pretend right now.
I get it, fairness is so hard to understand,and I feel trapped into going along with it. If you don't want to know why would you ask? We could all try some tolerance and acceptance.
I cant pretend anymore. I've gotten to the point where I ignore the "how are you?" and call out shady people. It gets me in a lot of trouble, especially at work, but I think starting to understand this might help me regulate my self-control.
I know what you mean. Somehow u lern from the childhood, that people okwardly ignore you, if u are urself. U feel rejected. That u develop automatically the strategy to pretend. But it's dreyning to have to pretend in order to be accepted and liked. And it feels so lonely, and even u are around people, because somehow u know that they don't really know u and it's not u that they like, but a version of u, that looks like that, what they want to see. Pretending helps at the other side sometimes and acts like a protective shield by people who are abusive against u. Something else: The question: "How are u?" This is a very difficult one for me. First because I have the impulse to give answers when ever I get asked something. So usually I would give a long honest answer. But with the Years I understood, that people actually don't want to hear a honest respond. So I get very confused and my answer sounds okward and little delayed, when I give the standard answer, because it triggers so many questions in my mind, like for example, how she mean that? Physically or psychologically, or moodwise, does she mean, how I am right now? Or overall? Does she ask because she just want to be nice, or does she really want to know? So I don't like to be asked, how I am, because it confuses me and give me stress. And I never ask somebody how she/he is, if I don't really want to know. Hope it makes sense to u. Is it also an aspy thing?
I related so hard to this video. Been trying to educate my support network for years on the whole "chill the f out when I tell you I'm not fine, it's not the end of the world when someone feels rough, give me the space to be myself!!"
Ohhh no no no I have never accepted pretending in any way. I am allowed to be me and do me without being rude, Any degree of lying is abhorred in my life. It's time for people to change all this fake behaviour and understand a true level of living.
Thank you for making this video, I relate and I'm really pleased that you are bringing the issue to light... like you, all I want from people is sincerity
Oh definitely! I hate pretending. I say how I feel. Like instead of "I'm good." I will try to say "I've had better days." Like I want to say everything truthful and not have anyone believing what isn't true.
I've found it puzzling how people say "How are you", without even waiting for an answer! Its taken me years to realise that I feel I should give an accurate and honest answer. Which they don't give time for - its usually done in haste, in passing. Live and learn. Of course taking things too seriously, or being too literal can cause problems. A big parr of coexistence with humans is being able to gauge when something is to be taken literally, for example. OK, I'm done now.
Wait, what? I consider it an honor if I ask someone how they are and they give me an honest answer (no pretending or whatever). If they say "I'm fine" it feels to me like they don't trust me enough to say what they really feel (unless of course they actually are fine). I'm an NT, I don't pretend but I do avoid telling someone I don't want to engage with that I'm ok just to avoid more interaction, like having to explain why I'm not ok. So Paul, please don't ever think the real you is unacceptable to me.
Pretending to feel well is something that we have to do. Not all of us, just those of us who are perceived to have low social value. The social 'leaders' in any group are the ones who "won't suffer fools gladly" when others are ill, but the 'lower value' had better creep around the 'leaders' with sympathy when they are ill. Failure to do so from neuro divergents is presumably quickly labelled "lack of empathy".
On the contrary, as an NT, I get so annoyed when I ask how someone’s been and they say ‘good’ that’s just a level of pretending that doesn’t allow for conversation or a genuine connection.
Pretending and mimicry is the only way I've made it through life and it's made me crash out for the last 5 years I can't make a plan or find a solution. Since I can't pretend anymore I stopped going out in public
We are in the same boat 🛶 a lot of people will ask how you are just because everyone or almost everyone does it but they don’t want to hear that you’re not good and if you let them know too often that you’re not good then they’ll label 🏷 you very quickly. How well I know
I'm glad I live in the Netherlands, where most people are direct and honest, like they don't care. I still recognize a lot what you say though. A lot of times I don't feel like talking... at all... but I kinda have to, because there are people there. It is good to have close friends and relatives with whom you can be yourself and don't have to pretend.
It's good to have other ASD friends in real life; we used to sometimes hang out as group and it was great because we could all drop our masks and just be. Sharing our stories, we found we "got" each other pretty well and had some of the same reactions to the pitfalls and oddities of the NT world. Adult life being what it is our ASD circle eventually drifted apart, but it was an important part of coping with my then new DX at age 39. I still attend an adult support group once a month, the final Thursday of each month, and it's an ASD friendly space where we can go and just be and not pretend.
I simply don't pretend. You can save loads of energy that way as an aspie.
I go about my days as if everyone else around me is insane. You'd be suprised how emotionally unsure people are about their neurotypical stereotypes when you challange them.
Noted 👽💪
3 years too late, but I'm glad to find a fellow ASD who hates wasting his already limited mental energy on stupid pretending and sees normies as crazy instead. Been doing that my whole life, ages before I got diagnosed and never even suspected being ASD. And can definitely relate on the last part- if you can't even properly and logically explain yourself why you're doing something and how exactly is it "normal", why the heck do you react to me like in a zoo if I'm not doing that very thing exactly like you (or not at all)?
So true!
The motto of many NT's is, "FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT"- this blows my mind
Ya did tbis my whole life..until I crashed
That attitude created a complete collapse of my life.
My biggest issue with this is that it becomes a way of living. People try to “fake it till they make it”...but instead of using this as a short-term tool & eventually ‘making it’. They just learn to fake it so well that it becomes a lifestyle & they ‘fake’ their entire lives....& expect us to play along =/
Advice for NTs and advice for those on the spectrum doesn't always overlap, it really sucks to be in a bad situation when NTs cannot help you and they really want to
So true my friend, I thought the same exact thing.
And the worst is when you try to explain this to a neurotypical and they say "oh just relax and be yourself. Quit being so uptight."
Be myself, oké. sucks to be you, I am a human-hating serial killer.
Is this where we got the tagline "worst advice you can give to an autistic" and the video with it discussing masking!? I don't like that injunction either: always seemed confoundingly at odds with the flow of negative comments and advice I'd attract and somehow just made my mind go blank and uncomfortable, I didn't seem to have the stuff in my head that made it mean anything, how I was as opposed to what people wanted from me. That other video talked about contrasting ideas and experience of yourself in relation to conformity and collaborative fit with other people, so that made sense. Did it develop in response to these comments - the video and the blessed diagram illustrating conformity as a trait-scale, psychological stylee!
Superficially almost the opposite to this video but it's not neccesarily so, there's underpinnings that link both angles in the detail.
Some of its about autism and some of it's about humanity generally and a broader linguistics conversation. All optional of course.
But I mean in a bit more detail, that's about parts of speech such as greetings and similar middle of conversation check-ins (phatic communication and speech in action - in technical parlance maybe!?), Grice's Maxims (Tom Scott's video was a revelation), and the role of verbal and nonverbal practical information sharing in different boxes in a conversation (eg: imagine an old-fashioned Yorkshireman says 'how do!?' brightly or glumly or with exasperation and the reply "Alreet" comes back similarly as appropriate to his mood - a lot of practically useful information conveyed efficiently. And it's a greeting ritual not a probing prompt for a deeper discussion of how you're doing, which might be undertaken at a more convenient time. And yet even then being our real selves sometimes confuses or causes consternation, true for everyone but more true for more marginalised groups generally including autistics. And I also think standard English is almost deliberately unclear and allows for some fluidity between these two boxes and I don't know the exact reason for that, it's probably complex.
I think I try and live my life by Grice's Maxim's in a slightly different way to NTs. The idea of cooperation and collaborative effort is my only liferaft but quality and quantity are harder!
@@steef4000000 lol xD
I'm trying to explain this to a ND friend actually because they only think of themselves. I love them but I keep telling them I hate travel. Then they go "im sorry :(" then they change our travle plans to a meauseaum or add on MORE to our travle and im having a meltdown over it
Yeah uptight, that's how I always thought of myself, but it's a trait that's part of your temperament or something I think because I don't think it really fluctuates
01:09 "You missed your line..." Haha
Lovely!
made me laugh so hard
@@RyanTheCreator I love Paul 😄
Wasting 70% of my energy pretending while im trying to work or just chating with people. Sohard
Just realised why I struggle with people at 31...hmmm
I hate doing anything that I perceive as ‘lying’, so I try to find a truthful in-between. I usually respond with something short if I’m not feeling like having a conversation.
When someone asks ‘how are you?’, I might say ‘oh, hanging in there!’ and make a silly face. I might mention something that IS going good, like ‘I’m loving this weather’.
If someone asks me what’s wrong, I’ll often say something like ‘nothing major, just a little low energy’
Finding that balance of being honest with yourself and others is tricky. I’m working on it myself!
SAME!
Yes I also usually take a +1 -1 approach. I'm a bit sick but okay otherwise. etc. Trying to zero out the positive and negative and end up with something luke warm but tonally friendly.
I don't pretend..Many think that I am too blunt and cold.. I'm just answering what is asked or stating the obvious. I am not much liked as I tend to be literal and regimented. People are not used to that. You may have seen joke t-shirts that say,,,I can't "people" today. well I can't people most of the time
The worst part for me is how deep and insurmountable the fatigue can seem. The longer I fight to avoid my boiling point the more profoundly intimidating recovery feels after burnout.
This is pretty much why I avoid contact with most people. 🙄
Yup!
Same lol certain people are draining
I mean I honestly don’t need them no offense they are just not needed
I masked all my life like a pro, because I got yelled at and hit as a child when I wasn't masking good enough. Result: masking feels like my 2nd nature, even with a C-PTSD and a burn out going on. Very bitter...
I understand. I'm the same...
I was forced to do the same, and as I am actually unable to do so for extended periods I wasn't actually able to develop my true personality until late into high school where I was able to set up so many redundancies, fail-safes, and backup plans that I basically became unpunishable. Every attempt at punishment was met with no change, and the one time she attempted to force one all she did was cut herself off from the rest of the world - I managed to remain with all important coping mechanisms and tools intact for the first time in my life.
can't say i know exactly what you're going thru but i can definitely 100% agree with your comment. i don't think i'll ever truly be completely okay with childhood but i am every day able to see so so so much silver lining. and it does sometimes feel like a disservice to myself to not make the most of it.. but yeah sometimes its just like 'nah that's fk'd up idgaf who u r' i had been hospitalized 3 or 4 times (legit don't recall how many, exactly) for panic attacks. from out of no where too. and im visibly panicking, all the tests showing clear proof that im having a meltdown all the while im saying "yeah im fine, i know it looks bad but this is normal" ffs man i wasn't "aware" at the time but in hindsight i now *KNOW* beyond any doubt it was all just because i had a persona-cramp lol. like my mask got stuck. i couldn't take it off even when i KNEW i might actually have a fkn heartattack if i don't just fucking drop it. and i couldn't. fkn scares the shit outta me that i'd rather appear normal so badly that my subconscious was willing to killitself so the only part of me left was the person the world wants.
idk if that helps anyone. partially selfish of me to rant over someone else's comment. hope that's okay. my intention was just to say "i hear ya" or something but then that happened. and i actually feel better now. didn't know i didn't feel okay either lol so thanks
Yea when we wouldn’t mask the way people treated me is something I’ll never forget
As a child/teenager I was constantly told to "adjust myself"; my parents so lovingly called it "constructive criticism". My voice was too low, too high, I spoke too fast, then it was apparently too monotonous and they'd ask me "why I was so serious (or even angry) all the time". And of course, there's my lack of eye contact which was constantly criticized and which now apparently has led me to making too much eye contact when someone else is talking, smh. I remember asking them: "It seems nothing I do is ever right -- when can I be allowed to be myself?"
Pretending is part of what led to my final burnout.
As an undiagnosed high functioning child I spent 100s of hours in front of the mirror trying to get my facial expressions just right. To this day I still practice how to say, Hello, to someone. The numerous facial tweaks, voice, timbre, and tone vary so much as to be maddening at times.
Since burning out I have become significantly less functional than I have probably ever been. Whereas, if there had been a diagnosis and more understanding I might have been able to pace my interactions and stayed mentally healthier.
So recogniseable ! They call it autistic burnout ... I think I got such a thing too, it made me look and behave hella autistic for two years, I just couldn't pretend anymore, people didn't even recognise the tone of my voice or my walk!
I held down a decent job for 5 years n a row, but the stress of full time made me start to develop Tourette syndrome type vocalizations. Then I had a full on Asperger's burnout, and total meltdown in my early 30's, and started having homicide dreams every night. It's been a couple years now, 2 or 3, and it hasn't gotten much better. I haven't been able to recuperate enough to even go back to working part time. At least my Nightmare disorder hasn't been too hellish lately, my waking life is, though. "Oh, I'll never kill myself to save my soul" "I'm finally holding on to letting go!" - Slipknot.
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be
Don’t bother. It’s a waste of time. Do YOU
I don't think it's a neurotipical's thing, more like a western thing. I'm Russian and if someone here asks you how are you, they usually actually want to hear the honest answer. If they don't care, they won't ask.
@@CoolhandLukeSkywalkr WTF gross.
@@CoolhandLukeSkywalkr Most Russians don't live in extreme poverty.... They have their smart phones and tablets and laptops and Wi-Fi and gaming systems and so on. More Chinese products now I suppose...
And yes, Russian women know how to dress, but it's showoff-ish. And the reason is because there aren't a lot of men in Russia, so the competition is high. Fetishizing Russian and Slavic women is gross and dangerous because it results in Russian women who don't know any better getting taken advantage of and treated like slaves in foreign countries by people like you.
@@anascarlet Roughly half of Russians make $150.00 a month USD, or less. That is extreme poverty. If you make more than that, Russia doesn't even consider you "In poverty". Seems we have a difference of opinion of what rich is. I've talked to a lot of Eastern European girls, got to know them, they don't come from money. They know what it's like to have to use candles to light your home, etc. and it has kept them grounded, they are also more traditional in their beliefs and gender specific roles. They are unabashedly girly girls, and they are modest, unlike uppity Westernized women. Russia's economy is like half the size of India's. Do you think the people of India are wealthy? You know they all want to move to the US or the UK, right? No one is "fetishizing" Russian and Slavic women, I'm not. I just find them attractive, you freaky ding bat. I'm over 30% Eastern European. I'm allowed to like/prefer my own race, aren't I?
@@CoolhandLukeSkywalkr extreme poverty is living in an African village, not in an apartment with running water, heat and electricity. You also can't exactly judge someone's level of poverty by USD because the prices are totally different in their country. But yes, in Russia, when the lights go out, you use candles for like 30 minutes until they come back on. But that's not using candles all the time to light your home...
P.S. Eastern European isn't a race lol. We're talking about culture and economy. And if you think Russian girls don't come to western countries for money, you're delusional.
@@CoolhandLukeSkywalkr I don't want to move to Russia... And Moldova is a totally different country IDK what it has to do with this. I'm just offended that you're saying Russians are more empoverished than they are. Yeah, some can't earn enough money to buy groceries so they grow it themselves... But others have their (Chinese) tech. And you make it sound like all Russians are empoverished. If you look at the internet and see Russians there, Russians aren't empoverished.
My analogy: It’s like being the software update that none of the users are willing to accept. The user is so used to the programmed response that the update becomes a huge inconvenience to them. They would rather keep a program consistent with what is familiar then update to prevent security issues.
I like to compare with android and iOS... Both are OS and have almost same funcionalities and apps but is totaly different behind it, one dont "understand" the other becouse wasnt made to this, just accept the fact that android can copy the Apple apps and Apple can design same interface of Android, but noone of them will be good enough if youre trying to force whats not natural made for.
i have spent all my life trying to understand myself and why was so hard or almost impossible "to run and App" till i discorvered thats was becouse my OS needs another data architecture. But isnt the hardest part... much more dificult to pretend that youre not different becouse noone accept the fact that we exist and cannot change the "OS", and part of the fault is becouse WE ARE HIDDING OURSELVES
I call it a throw away question that people say but don't mean
@@JunnyFreitas Funny you should mention that as an analogy as I think it works a little better than expected. You see, Android is an incredibly flexible OS that can be programmed to understand iOS, where the reverse does not hold true.
@@plushpuppy32 But we have to answer it somehow, so we have to process spirit of the question (as an ice breaker or genuine interest) based on the context and manner in which it is asked. Not so easy as it seems.
haha - My filters and shields go down during low battery moments. I suck at pretending. I tell people how it is - especially if i am tired and their reactions loop in my head for hours/days/weeks sometimes.
Thanks for the video shares as always - helps with introspection, reflection and self acceptance. :-)
Glad it's not just me 😂
The looks you get when you ask, "do you really want to know, or are you just being polite?"
It is exhausting. I call it going on auto pilot. Just spewing out mindless sentences, pre made, practiced, etc. Mind numbing. I used to not mask so much in high school, which grant it wasn't the best trial period of my life, but people were so thrown off by it. I've been experiencing some burn out now. I am a stay at home mom currently and constantly feel like I'm on mom mode, then wife mode, social mode, etc. Where am I? Where have I gone? I struggle so deeply with finding myself and recharging, especially as a mom. It's tiresome.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm an Aspie and a mother of five.
Oh my goodness! How do you manage? Any tips?
Keeping a consistent daily routine as much as possible helps. Also the kids have nap/quiet time every afternoon for a couple of hours. The older ones don't have to sleep, but they do have to be in their rooms doing a quiet activity like reading or drawing.
Mine are 2 and a half and one and are notorious non-sleepers. It's a struggle to get quiet time. Perhaps when they're a bit older.
I have two children and I struggle a lot. I haven't found any resource on how to be a mum if YOU have aspergers (or you are quite sure you have in my case). I always find artictles about how to live happily with your autistis son. Hey, girls and women are effected, too! If you have any recommendation, please let me know, I'd appreciate it.
"NTs get thrown when you go off script" lol true true. imagine being a person that doesn't interact but rather just speaks to a script. I appreciate your videos in coping strategies, but I'm so obstinate about authenticity, that I'm not sure I'm ever going to learn. 34 years old and I still get pissed that people want be to be like this, even though I understand the expectation of the world
I'm a very honest person and, to me, pretending is a form of deception which really affects me on a moral level. I hate doing it, I'm not very good at doing it and it exhausts me and just feels horrible. It is a massive burden to carry and I feel like such a fraud.
Your ability to put into words what so many of us are experiencing off and on yet on a regular basis is simply amazing Paul!!
So... thank you for sharing your great gift with us!!
I'm on the path of of learning to "feel" when my system is feeling better and
not to let others determine when. Hard enough!!
All the best to you and everyone in this community!!
It's interesting how cultures differ in their level of politeness-directness. In the Netherlands for example, it's accepted to answer that you feel sick and don't feel good, neither is it expected to pretend you like something if you don't, etc. Many expats, like Americans, experience this direct aspect of the Dutch culture either as off-putting, or as a relief.
For me, as an American, it is a relief. I actually find myself having increasing hatred for this country with each passing month, maybe even each week. This nation is a nation full of liars and fakes, I can’t take it anymore.
I don’t even know if I’m in the spectrum but this is definitely my favorite youtube channel
social rules are so violent and stupid
Some social rules are indeed there to manipulate and force agendas, and thus quite bad.
But then there are some of them make plenty of sense.
For instance, acknowledging other people by saying "hi", even if you don't know them is a basic form of making other people feel comfortable and welcome and thus better able to perform their required tasks, even though it's very unpleasant for an Autistic person to have to summon the courage to look at unfamiliar people and to actually say something to them.
As long as it makes sense and serves to get the best out of other people, then a little discomfort can be acceptable. The trouble is when there's too much of it - a lot of "a little discomfort" can quickly escalate into "way too much discomfort".
And then there are the poorly defined social rules that may make a lot of sense once explained adequately, but they aren't explained in a way that are comprehensible to the Autistic individual and are therefore not possible to make sense of, so they come across as the "bad kind" of social rules to someone on the Spectrum.
Absolutely! I still struggle with the supposedly simple "how are you doing today?" I answer the question that is asked rather than perform the ritualised greeting ceremony. If you ask me how I am I will tell you... If you don't want to know the answer don't ask. If I ask the question I am interested in the real answer, because I care. If you answer in a formula I feel fobbed off because I know it's not true 😒
What's fobbed? I never heard that term before
I don't pretend with people. If they can't except me the way the Lord has created me to be, they can go away.
Totally makes sense! Thank you for articulating these thoughts. It is such a struggle to put together words to try to express these feelings, and then to be met with disbelief or outright rejection for being 'too difficult'. It is incredibly validating to know someone else thinks and feels the same. So. Thank you again.
I hope you begin to feel better soon. Thank you for posting this video…
Pretending caused me a lot of chronic fatigue. I try not to do it as much these days but not easy as it's expected. Great video!
Exactly. Sometimes it's easier to just follow script, but it's so boring I refuse to
It's a bit of a thing at the moment that "masking" which is basically pretending, is an autistic trait often missed in females as we are often skilled at this from a young age. It is extremely draining! However, I also believe this trait is overlooked in males (especially older ones that "know the script") So while I believe "masking" is an important factor when assessing females, the prevalence should not be discounted in males. Please comment if you are an Aspie male who masks to navigate and deal with the NT world (especially work) Cheers for another great video Paul. Hope you were able to get the rest you needed while you were sick.
It took me a while to learn to "mask" but i am 20 and i have been doing it for half my life, and i can pretend to be normal but its like running a marathon, its exhausting as hell. I think males just take a little longer to master that skill. I am unemployed because i literally cant get through a day in public unless im on anxiety medication. The pretending is just stressful
I am 27 now and recently realised that I have essentially been subconsciously masking all my life. My typing is significantly different to how I speak, my accent is strange (South African, been asked if I'm American by a substitute teacher, and once a guy at uni asked snidely if I was British when I asked where the bathroom is). I find it necessary to almost "dumb down" my speech (not that I think people are stupid or anything, just that my natural speech comes across as stiff).
I rehearse social situations often while alone, going into full hypothetical conversations to try to eliminate social uncertainty. I deny myself joy a lot because of guilt I feel. I tell people I don't watch TV or movies or anime anymore and the truth is, it's emotionally too stimulating and I tear up often and that embarrasses me. I also have fairly vivid memories of embarassing things I've done since a very young age (3 years), and I feel like I use those as references to adjust my persona.
I am not diagnosed but I am fairly certain I am on the ASD spectrum, as it also explains a lot of my feelings when I was younger. Romance terrifies me, and I think that's the one part of my development that was especially stunted, because it's harder to study and you have fewer examples of what intimacy is like to follow. I think this is also why I hated going out drinking, but would force myself to do it because it was normal. I would feel like I was watching a documentary on National Geographic about a different species.
Now that I'm aware of what I do it is a bit easier.
Telling the honest truth does throw them off. Which makes call center jobs hard
I love your demonstration of a pretend smile!! The person who used to insist that I smile when I didn't feel like it then decided, "that's not a smile, that's just showing your teeth" and not worth demanding of me. (the thought of biting WOULD pass through my mind with the forced smile...)
The more understanding person would coach me on tactful things I could say without getting seriously off script - "Surviving, thank you" could pass when "Fine, thanks" was expected, whereas "Not doing well today, unfortunately" would not. It was a lovely solution.
That makes perfect sense. I find it practically impossible to mask most of my autistic traits(i.e. I know how to do it but it requires EXTREME effort that I can't sustain for more than about 10-15 minutes or so) already so people often find that I don't always respond as expected. Thankfully for me I rarely have to pretend to be in a good mood because I am always so fascinated by the world around me, and therefore I am usually quite happy with the exception of when I recently had to deal with sensory overstimulation.
Literally just was practicing this for the purposes of being more likable... Absolutely hate having to be overly positive
We lack so much authenticity in the world from people and a lot of the time people cannot handle authenticity, we have to be honest to ourselves though and do radical honesty even if it's scary or challenging to do.
Thanks for sharing this...this makes so much sense. And not only does it feel like rejection for me, but it also just makes me feel like an outright fraud - all the time. Because I know it isn't who I really am. And it's additionally draining because it gets angering to always feel that why am I the one to have to adjust myself to make everyone else comfortable when things like that don't even cross their mind? (I've asked some of them directly and know they don't intentionally feel like they're pretending for anyone else. It sounds amazing to be able to just talk (or not) without constantly worrying about my performance and script.) It's nice to hear I'm not the only one who thinks that way.
:( I can completely relate to this, my job is VERY hard, I work in complaints, and then the stress of that having to speak to everyone at work, and pretend I'm somebody I'm not/happy, is so draining, and it's upsetting! it makes me sad seeing everyone else seem so in tune with ' something ' and I constantly feel like im on the outside looking in.
1:02 this is what I am so extremely confused by when I go to English speaking countries.
"How are you", doesn't mean how are you, it means hello. And it's such a weird thing to say instead of hello.
It actually doesn't mean hello. It's an alternate greeting prompting a variety of possible responses. This is what is called a polite conversation opener.
Thank you! I was so fed up with having to pretend today, and this unexpectedly showed up in my youtube recommendations! (which is creepy, but I was still happy with it) Hearing other aspies talking about how frustrated they are with the NT world strangely helps (which seems like an NT thing! I used to feel worse when I heard that someone else was also having the same troubles -oh no, how sad for them, isnt there a solution? ) but as I 've gotten older and lonelier ( :,D ) I can really appreciate it. Also because I secretly think aspies will take over the world and we will change everything for the better, lol
I COMPLETELY understand. It's hard being in a world that seems to cater and encourage pretending like its currency. I've had it as well. I've burned out countless times because of the false persona. So now I've made certain changes and let people know I have limits now. If they accept it (which most dont) then that's a win. Maybe one day, I'll find a partner who can fully understand that. Thanks for posting, your content means a hell of a LOT to me!
Hi Paul,thank.you.for sharing thus... i feel.the same way about pretending and i lost a lot of friends...because i broke contact with them! I don't want people around me anymore,who make ma pretend to be okay when i'm not...i hate people who want to make me behave positive all the time and lie to other people about how i feel
I'm with you. Maybe that's why no one comes around
I hate pretending too. It kills me. Even though I'm not sure I'm an aspie but I've pretended all my life to please others.
Made perfect sense.
Pretending is exhaustive
i can relate to this so much
Me2 i hate it. I can't pretend all the time.
I gave up few years ago. Just gonna be myself, don't care if they like it or not. Now i know at least who is open minded and those aren't.
Ha! Your brain was working just fine and making total sense!
I pretend to a point, kind of required in my job. However, I stopped with the expected "Hi. How are ya?" years ago. Now I say "Hey. Nice to see you" as I continue walking. If someone says "Hi. How are you?" I say "Good, but I'm so late! C u later." I don't even stop. I do this even when I'm not late. If it ever comes up, I just laugh and say I'm a "chronic time under-estimator." No one ever questions this. It's very freeing!
Thanks for this video!
I completely agree. I think it's because "pretending" socially is too much akin to lying, and it's very difficult for people on the autistic spectrum to prevaricate. We're usually accused of being tactless and brutally honest, instead. And it can be tiring to keep up a false face.
On the other hand, I LOVE acting! I love to step into a role and be someone other than who I am. Weird?
Hi, Paul. They say everyone in crazy, just not diagnosed yet! I always felt as a puzzle piece in the wrong puzzle. Still, I am a NT, I like looking in the eyes of the person I am talking to. But I hate pretending as well, I am open and honest and most people tend not to believe me, because, as they say - "everybody has something to hide", or "everyone has a hidden agenda". For me is difficult to lie - I can tel "white lies" - I tell the truth in the less hurtful and most constructive way. I can be polite when required, but don't pull of my strings. I believe if something has to be hidden, then it's shameful., or too close to the heart to be exposed. I still look into my own eyes in the mirror and can respect the person I see. I am intuitive and easily emotionally overwhelmed. I understand and respect your work and I like the way you're putting it all out, the way you're expressing all the things - clear and sharp. I liked the way you described your interests - the whole bunch contained in that "what makes people tick". As an analyst engineer myself, I like seeing the world from your point of view.
You're such a nice person and good hearted soul. Thank you for your videos. Take care of yourself 🖤
55f Aspie lady here. Masking was so unbelievably exhausting and it does make us feel like we cannot be our authentic selves. I have found that I am unable & frankly unwilling to mask anymore. My brain is valid and precious. I have done 30 yrs of healing and I finally came home to myself this year. In a global pandemic. If ppl ask me how I am, I tell them. If you have a loving tribe, they truly care how you are. If ppl don’t care, simply vibe away from them and do not waste your precious energy masking for them. If anyone calls you weird or freaky, say thank you and vibe away from those judgy types. None of us are required to be inauthentic or to dim our AU-some light for neurotypicals. Find your tribe-they are out there and they will accept and love you maskless. Love to all! Thanks for your vids, Paul. Keep shining and feel better soon!
I kept having this issue. It made me dig up my old school records which have been revealing for me. It makes sense what you are saying.
🤣🤣🤣 YES!!! When can we stop pretending…it’s exhausting.
This makes me so happy!! Thank you so much!! Everyone has been telling me this!! Because of your video. I’ve found that I truly might have autism. I feel the exact feelings I are feeling. It’s been so hard to find more people like me. I hate pretending. I wish there were groups I could go to for this so I could have more people that think similarly to me. I’ve lost friends because I’ve been emotionally inappropriate towards them when I really am going through a lot. They just say ignore the feeling.
"Ignore the feeling", erm right. That's like telling someone who just stubbed their toe and is screaming bloody murder to just "ignore the feeling of pain".
You can't command your brain to not register pain, but you can train yourself to not show that you're in pain. The question is just whether it's a good idea.
I love your videos. They are so informative and answer so many of the questions I have. Thanks for being so brave and sharing your journey.
Thank you for the video. I hate pretending I'm fine when I'm not.
Some neurotypicals also hate pretending...I hate having to pretend to be ok when i am NOT feeling ok...The way i see it, if someone asks me "how are you?" I will take this as a sign of genuine interest in my wellbeing...Therefore, i should be allowed to respond in a genuine manner...If my response is negative, i should not be judged for it...!!!...If pretending is so-o-o uncomfortable for some genuine neurotypicals, my heart bends towards you all on the spectrum...This world should stop promoting hipocracy and should embrace transparency (at least in this respect)...
I keep trying to understand my brother with autism. I'm starting to giving up for such burden. I have been suffered from such annoyance for a decade trying not to get mad even if he cannot relate not respecting my personal space. I know it is important to deal such ridiculous triggers such as excessive noise or others. Remember that I am human too. When times when crossed the line.
Not to mentioned, trying to harmonize with autistic people with violent issues is leading to a toxic life. I had tried to be patient, stoic, whatever I can to keep the boundaries between us as subtle as I can. There are times I got snapped, being biased by my parents, never understood how I feel. I'm not good at talking at this kind of topic but you know what I mean.
It is hard to deal autism, especially when I'm depressed. Emotionally stressed. It is impossible to stay calm
Pretending is the top reason why I hate job interviews. Both parties are expected to pretend and follow the script, which I never seem to get the hang of 😬
That's why I am a freelancer and work from home. Just me and my computer. At 43 I can't pretend anymore.
Some of the things that people do normally is draining to me. The social song and dance that people do I feel is silly but its needed/wanted by them. I do my best to dance along but I see no real point.
That makes perfect sense...Thank you! I'm so tired of it, myself. I totally relate.
I'm not diagnosed but I feel this. I always anticipate when someone asks "how are you" and I automatically say "good" or "fine" even when I'm not and I just don't want to be bothered. There are times where I'll remove myself from a social situation (even in my own house, I still love with my parents and my older sister is living here currently as well) and I'll heavily sigh and think to myself 'I don't want to pretend anymore' or 'I don't feel like playing pretend' but I HAVE to keep doing it and it's just SO draining. I'm not that good at it but I guess I'm good enough because no one seems to catch on.
The sad thing is when you anwser with not being good then people are going to avoid you
This is killing me
I don't pretend because I was forced to once and it almost literally killed me.
I can relate to this so much right now. I’ve been hiding in the bedroom pretending I don’t feel well just so I don’t have to go out and pretend I’m OK in front of my partner. I tried being out with my partner and pretending everything was OK, and it was too exhausting. It’s easier to say I just want to sleep. I can stay in the bedroom and cry this way. The situation is so complicated and I just don’t have the energy to pretend right now.
I don't pretend, unless it's in play (improv). I tell you if I'm OK, or not feeling hot.
It's like you're only allowed to be yourself early in the morning before everyone's day starts and at night after everyone goes to sleep...
I get it, fairness is so hard to understand,and I feel trapped into going along with it. If you don't want to know why would you ask? We could all try some tolerance and acceptance.
I can relate so much to what you're saying here and in other videos! Thanks for sharing and being open.
I hate pretending it feels fake. It gets exhausting having to pretend and having a chronic illness.
This video really sums up my feelings regarding the social pageantry of daily life.
Thank you. Liked and subscribed. You speak my thoughts
I cant pretend anymore. I've gotten to the point where I ignore the "how are you?" and call out shady people. It gets me in a lot of trouble, especially at work, but I think starting to understand this might help me regulate my self-control.
Pretending to like the random gifts people buy, spending more just makes it worse.
Words of truth brother! Keep up, thanks for making this great channel ;
I relate so HEAVY. They do be like “You missed your lines.”
omg u are saying everything that i have been feeling my entire life and everyone keeps telling me i am selfish
Man thank you so so much for posting you wouldnt believe how much it's a relief.
Yes absolutely hate pretending.
I relate to this SO much. I think this is a major contributor to burn outs for me.
I know what you mean. Somehow u lern from the childhood, that people okwardly ignore you, if u are urself. U feel rejected. That u develop automatically the strategy to pretend. But it's dreyning to have to pretend in order to be accepted and liked. And it feels so lonely, and even u are around people, because somehow u know that they don't really know u and it's not u that they like, but a version of u, that looks like that, what they want to see. Pretending helps at the other side sometimes and acts like a protective shield by people who are abusive against u.
Something else:
The question: "How are u?"
This is a very difficult one for me. First because I have the impulse to give answers when ever I get asked something.
So usually I would give a long honest answer. But with the Years I understood, that people actually don't want to hear a honest respond. So I get very confused and my answer sounds okward and little delayed, when I give the standard answer, because it triggers so many questions in my mind, like for example, how she mean that? Physically or psychologically, or moodwise, does she mean, how I am right now? Or overall? Does she ask because she just want to be nice, or does she really want to know? So I don't like to be asked, how I am, because it confuses me and give me stress. And I never ask somebody how she/he is, if I don't really want to know. Hope it makes sense to u. Is it also an aspy thing?
I related so hard to this video. Been trying to educate my support network for years on the whole "chill the f out when I tell you I'm not fine, it's not the end of the world when someone feels rough, give me the space to be myself!!"
Paul I love you man. I love this channel. i choked up big time watching this video. Thank you for doing all of this!!
Ohhh no no no I have never accepted pretending in any way. I am allowed to be me and do me without being rude, Any degree of lying is abhorred in my life. It's time for people to change all this fake behaviour and understand a true level of living.
Thank you for making this video, I relate and I'm really pleased that you are bringing the issue to light... like you, all I want from people is sincerity
YES!!! When can I stop?!
Oh definitely! I hate pretending. I say how I feel. Like instead of "I'm good." I will try to say "I've had better days." Like I want to say everything truthful and not have anyone believing what isn't true.
I've found it puzzling how people say "How are you", without even waiting for an answer! Its taken me years to realise that I feel I should give an accurate and honest answer. Which they don't give time for - its usually done in haste, in passing.
Live and learn. Of course taking things too seriously, or being too literal can cause problems. A big parr of coexistence with humans is being able to gauge when something is to be taken literally, for example. OK, I'm done now.
If someone ask me ‘How are you doing?’ I say (I’m not at or feeling my best) I say ‘I could could be better’ I do hope you Feel better, soon, Paul.
Wait, what? I consider it an honor if I ask someone how they are and they give me an honest answer (no pretending or whatever). If they say "I'm fine" it feels to me like they don't trust me enough to say what they really feel (unless of course they actually are fine). I'm an NT, I don't pretend but I do avoid telling someone I don't want to engage with that I'm ok just to avoid more interaction, like having to explain why I'm not ok. So Paul, please don't ever think the real you is unacceptable to me.
@@alegriart "NT" is short for Neuro Typical
You are a rare gem. It's just become almost a meme and a glib form of greeting with no meaning behind it.
Pretending to feel well is something that we have to do. Not all of us, just those of us who are perceived to have low social value. The social 'leaders' in any group are the ones who "won't suffer fools gladly" when others are ill, but the 'lower value' had better creep around the 'leaders' with sympathy when they are ill. Failure to do so from neuro divergents is presumably quickly labelled "lack of empathy".
On the contrary, as an NT, I get so annoyed when I ask how someone’s been and they say ‘good’ that’s just a level of pretending that doesn’t allow for conversation or a genuine connection.
Thank you so much! I have the same problem!
Paul this presentation is one year old lol, i love how you put things in perspective so we all can become better humans.
Pretending and mimicry is the only way I've made it through life and it's made me crash out for the last 5 years I can't make a plan or find a solution. Since I can't pretend anymore I stopped going out in public
We are in the same boat 🛶 a lot of people will ask how you are just because everyone or almost everyone does it but they don’t want to hear that you’re not good and if you let them know too often that you’re not good then they’ll label 🏷 you very quickly. How well I know
I think pretending, and not saying what you really want to say, is the most energy-depleting thing there is.
I'm glad I live in the Netherlands, where most people are direct and honest, like they don't care.
I still recognize a lot what you say though. A lot of times I don't feel like talking... at all... but I kinda have to, because there are people there. It is good to have close friends and relatives with whom you can be yourself and don't have to pretend.
I pretended few times and yes, its extemely tiring and frustrating..... but im done with it long time
It's good to have other ASD friends in real life; we used to sometimes hang out as group and it was great because we could all drop our masks and just be. Sharing our stories, we found we "got" each other pretty well and had some of the same reactions to the pitfalls and oddities of the NT world. Adult life being what it is our ASD circle eventually drifted apart, but it was an important part of coping with my then new DX at age 39. I still attend an adult support group once a month, the final Thursday of each month, and it's an ASD friendly space where we can go and just be and not pretend.
The fear of pretending starts in childhood when a kid refuses to engage in imaginative play.