*ACTUAL VIDEO* of setting up house expectations with new foster placements
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- Опубліковано 1 гру 2023
- After about one week in our care, we found the need to have a house meeting so everyone was on the same page with how to treat one another and the house.
With every foster youth, you will have different expectations based on needs. I hope this is helpful for you to see our meeting.
There is definitely a NEED in every state for foster parents. I hope this encourages you to take the first step to get licensed yourself or help a foster parent local to you :)
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I am not a foster parent yet, but I enjoy watching your videos to get ideas for the future. I do work at an elementary school though and at the beginning of the school year we make what is called a 'Social Contract'. We ask the students 4 questions.
1. How do the students want to be treated by the teacher?
2. How does the teacher want to be treated by the students?
3. How do the students want to treat each other?
4. How should we resolve a conflict?
Together, we collaborate on these questions and write down the most important words or phrases. At the end, everyone signs the contract and we put it up in the classroom so we can reference it all year. I think this could be used with foster placements at home as well!
I LOVE this idea! THANK YOU for sharing!
Yes, it’s good when you can get “buy in” from the kids
Sorry for working through my foster care trauma in UA-cam comments. I think it's great your taking your foster kids' thoughts and feelings into considerations. A few things I remember that probably isn't what foster parents want to hear, but it's the reality of life in foster care. When you're in a home with that many kids, it can be overwhelming. Maybe some kids are extraverts, but others aren't. I had many foster homes with very traditional rules about mealtimes and asking to be excused and there's all these kids and I know that could be some great family bonding time - but it really made me very uncomfortable and hate everyone even more. I was so much happier when I went to a group home where i was able to grab food and go and not interact with people. Not that I wasn't just used to following the rules - it was so normal to me that when I enlisted in military after aging out, it was just more of the same. I had so many issues with foster parents banning me from watching anime and reading anime- and having things I purchased with my own money taken away. I have so much pure rage over having to never be able to do what I wanted to do thanks to control freak foster parents. When you get more and more kids in a home, it seems like there has to be more and more rules to keep things under control and I get that, but there's still a part of me that really gets angry about foster parents inflicting more trauma on kids with enforcing their values and punishing kids for not following your values. I know foster parents want to help, but it can seem really arbitrary when screen time rules takes away something that is fundamental to someone's existence because some random social worker decided to drop you off at their home.
Thank you for your amazing comment! Yes! I can understand all of that! And this is one of the reasons we have only wanted to take ONE sibling group at a time. That way they are coming from the same place.
I thought it’d be REALLY weird with different placements in the house and it does have its challenges, but I’ve also seen some really cool moments from it too.
Like when the oldest girl is helping the youngest with homework. And when someone is crying from a missed visit and the oldest (who is not touchy feely) is asking if they want a hug 🤗
I agree about food especially. If food was a factor in abuse or neglect it can be stressful to have to ask to eat every time you are hungry. Its very controlling and puts the child in a helpless/dependent position even if the answer is always yes. If a child is used to having food abusively withheld for behavior they will be worried about asking for food every time there is any behavioral correction. And yes maybe it gets better over time but all it takes is one time of saying no to snacks while frustrated at the child (even if that's not why you are saying no to snacks) for all the progress and building trust to be lost. I think it sets up the foster parent to unknowingly trigger the kids even if they have the best of intentions. Everyone gets frustrated sometimes and everyone needs to eat so the chance that those two things are going to overlap sometimes is inevitable. And lets be real foster parents are human and it's easy for us to be more strict when we feel like a child is out of control. I understand about not wanting to eat something that is for a recipe or limiting "high value" foods so it's really nice when there are designated snacks that are ok to take at any time. "you can always have a piece of fruit or veggies and dip or string cheese or leftovers.." I have heard foster parents complain then kids will eat every last bit of cereal or chips in the house or a whole box of granola bars so just don't make food like that part of the "free snacks". Then socializing them about not taking what is obviously in prep for dinner or being made for someone else is easy to do and builds on their competence. they can ask if they want something than a "free snack" and over time they'll have a sense of what is ok to ask for. For some kids this might not seem like a big deal but for kids with certain temperaments/history this is going to effect them in a huge way and there is probably 0 chance they are going to share that with you. At the least maybe you could say "if you are hungry and want something that is already for another meal we'll help you find something else to eat" so it's clear the issue is which food is available not if food is available.
Your last sentence makes the entire point… screen time should not be an entire child's life. Living by rules and expected to be a productive and contributing member of society isn't going to ruin their life. It's literally the opposite. Not to mention that you willing went into the military and you're complaining a kid that isn't you doesn't have full run of the tv. How dare you come to a content creator's video to, sorry Lisa & Peter, -itch not just about the bureaucracy of the system (which definitely has faults), but a a foster couple that you don't even know that have made a difference in the lives of approximately 30 children in a few short months...plus 3 other children long term. Are you able to put aside your anger and self-centeredness to say you've had an impact on others like that? Foster or bio parent, telling people that what they are doing in life, especially parenting, is rude. Would you want someone coming up to you on the street and randomly condemning you? I don't think your lack of ability to cope with your anger could handle that.
Totally. There's a lot of feeling powerlessness as a kid, I imagine especially as a foster kid. When you don't have stability being able to keep your stuff and keep some structure consistent between placements becomes even more important.
Dessert (a course of a meal) is a privilege?? Food trauma and hunger are very real in the foster care community. Also, it sort of makes a food into a reward in a way which doesn’t set us up for success with healthy relationships with food, right? I also don’t see the connection between dessert and behavior unless the behavior you want to correct has to do with dessert…
Agreed.
Well dessert isn't something you NEED. Dessert is a treat. If you say something like "You won't get dinner if you don't clean your room" then that's bad. But dessert is just a little something extra. The child is still eating 3 times a day with snacks
@@fluffyunicorn7187 Understood. Arguably, snacks aren't necessarily a NEED. Nor are many other things in this life. But if dessert has nothing to do with their behavior (They aren't making a mess with dessert, throwing dessert, etc.), then why is food part of the consequence at all? Why would we tell/show kids that they're only deserving of dessert (or a snack or an appetizer or any food item for that matter) if they're meeting all expectations? How will they take that into adulthood thinking that dessert is an earned privilege? It potentially sets them up for unhealthy relationships with food.
The candy loop hole.😂 I would give them an extra piece just for being smart.
😂 I know, it made me laugh.
@@HappyHoppe you might have to have a PMS exemption... for Peter's safety.🤣
Really enjoyed seeing this. So interesting as I've never really thought about communicating etiquette since we've only Fostered babies and toddlers so far. As we are deciding if we want to move up in age range this gives me great ideas. So thank you.
Yay! I’m glad it helps. Yeah, each age group is different - and the older they are, the more time they’ve had in a place with different expectations and boundaries, so it can be a challenge when coming into a home that has different etiquette and rules than they are used to.