Although I do love your approach, and the philosophy side of things… I am still glad and very grateful that you have not shut down the narcissistic abuse recovery side of your business! You’ve put out so much great stuff, valuable resources over the years. And, there’s so many people That are new to all of this and just coming to the table of recovery. It’s good to be keeping the algorithm trained with all the fresh stuff you’re posting! And Instagram too. Sending you big American bear hugs from California! Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. Also about your last relationship, slipping back into it. There’s no shame in it, no amount of education can protect us 100% from the evil always tries to find new and different ways to slide into our life. And that dynamic of honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, sharing just as step recovery, has so much power to help others in their recovery journey, whether they are fresh or decades into it. When people are used to being lied to incessantly, and massively increasing way as we experience in a cluster B relationship, just finding one honest person can literally make the difference between life and not life. And a step in the path of awakening and healing at minimum!!
It’s horrific that children with Narc parents cannot set any boundaries without the risk of serious and ever escalating abuse and violence against them. All the while that said parents are brainwashing the adults who would have helped these children. Very sad situation!
As a child of a narc parent, I have learnt that if saying no unleashes hell from a person who claims they love you, there was never any love their in the first place. It's easier to let go that way. It's all a facade of a loving parent but there's nothing behind. Because love does not stop, and if it stops, it's not love.
I actually dealt with this today. After I went to work, my “wife”, whose name is ironically Venus, woke up my 15 year old daughter and started yelling at her, probably cussing and saying really nasty things… that’s her MO. This is now the 3rd time in 4 weeks that my 4 year old son jumped in the middle and started apologizing, thinking it was his fault 😡 I went to work and sent her a text asking how her day was going. See below: Me: How’s ur day. Her: it’s ok. mylah (our daughter) got up really late. my day started off with me trying to wake her 2x and third time yelling at her and about her attitude. Thomas got in the middle and apologize…I apologized to mylah later and so did she..I left for work close to 10a How about you? Btw, Thomas graduating from PAT, Ms Christy’s program. It’s at 5:30p. We should be home before you though.. 😊 Me: ok. But It sucks that he keeps apologizing for something that he didn’t do. Makes me really sad, and a little bit angry. Very uncool Venus!
I got quiet. I figured out that my mom was unstable, and unpleasant, when I was about 15. I left home after high school. She still talks at me, but then I hang up and go sanitize my mind.
And when those children grow up they still have no boundaries and getting in toxic relationships and even don’t understand what’s wrong, because that’s the “normal” for them: not being heard, not being accepted, etc… then when you find out basically almost accidentally what’s going on and start saying no all hell breaks loose. Being thrown out from the family home wasn’t easy to digest, but what I find more difficult is dealing with the flying monkeys and whatever they done to you is still not enough, because some people might actually like you, or just the sheer fact that I’m still breathing, they never give up. Only what I wish is a peaceful death, and it’s hard enough to forgive myself that I wasted my life on people who just know me while I served them, but I don’t know if I ever will be able to forgive the things they did.
When I finally use the word no I am amazed to see the people were really using me as a doormat. It surprised me how they were stunned at my no. I’ve always been a yes mam
I said “I have boundaries” and the response was a 3 page txt message which ended “I’ve got to block you now”… For flipping real! Mental. Well done again Richard 😎
@joshangout9609 You've gotta wean them off you a bit before doing it that i've figured out while i was being viciously stalked in an online game so make yourself more unavailable coming up with a very believable excuse, get them used to it, and then bolt. That way it makes it easier for them to let go of their fantasy creating more of a sense of closure for both of you and narcissists will try to stop you gaining any closure but it's exactly what's needed. Even for them because they've still gotten too used to you being around and being attached to you in the twisted way they are, gotten too used to feeling safe with you. Even for them it's about habits and each person is a really bad habit for them.
One thing I haven’t heard you touch on is the double standard aspect of the narcissistic abuse. It’s ok for the narcissist to come and go as they please, but when their partner/spouse goes to the grocery store there are 17 phone calls, 23 texts and of course the surprise show ups. It got so bad for me I didn’t even bother to leave the house for 2 years. That’s extremely abusive and controlling. I would wake up at 2 am and he was gone God knew where but if I was to do that ohhhh boy watch out.
The narcissist loves to play and also finds pleasure in his attempts to break into your boundaries. It is a challenge for him, and every time you repel him, you make his saliva drool and his fangs come out. You make yourself an unattainable meal for him. For this reason, do not have mercy on him, even if he tries in any way, do not have mercy on him, even if he is alone, do not have mercy on him, do not give him any room, and try, he will turn, the monster will emerge for you, and you will see it with your own eyes, and he will not have mercy on you
In my experience, if you say no there will be drama and pushback. If you DO no, without asking for acceptance, just doing it - politely, clearly, respectfully and consistently, it goes quiet pretty quickly. It takes the willingness and commitment to see it through, and be prepared to lose things you hadn't budgeted for.
On point! Up until recently I had made always made an actual request (using words) for space/silence/reflection after upsets, it almost always turned into a bigger argument. After bold-faced and physically aggressive gaslighting attempt a few days ago, I finally just went silent (headphones on in shared spaces; in room/in an activity or out of house as much as possible, data-only communication when absolutely required) and it has been gloriously quiet since. He didn’t even ask why or what is going on, almost like it was expected.
Well said!! Couldn't agree more. Especially on the responsibility for how "we" behave, we know it's a lie, that motives matter, it's sad, when you see they didn't value YOU, but what they could get, take, manipulate, etc.. but then it's our responsibility to stop the sh¡+ show. Because we no longer participate. Thank you Richard 👍🏼♥️
My ex npd would say, "I hate it when you say no" My reply was, "well I guess that's a you problem " It only lasted 18ths and I was out. But I did have issues after. 3 mths on the outside almost back to 100%. Every time a thought of him or our experience comes up, I say NO 😂
My wife literally threw a temper tantrum in the middle of a shopping mall after she wondered into the Gucci store, saw a purse that she wanted, and I told her no. Back track a week… I just bought her a beautiful Louis Vuitton bag for Mother’s Day. She jumped up and down, stomped her feet and asked in a loud, whiny voice “why, am I not good enough? You don’t love me”! This was before I knew what NPD was, but I still held my ground. I felt as though I was dealing with a bratty 15 year old, complete split in an instance.
He has full-blown NPD. His mother severely abused him and his brother before they were even in kindergarten. He confessed to me after 20 years that he likes no intimacy and no commitment. But he wanted to have children with me in 2022. We even went for fertility treatment. Still not married. He wanted to turn me into the mother symbol! I put a stop to the fertility treatment. We can not have children together, ever. Now I'm rendered dead ( because I set boundaries) even though we share bulldogs. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. It's severe abuse. I'm learning to use my life voice, my death voice, and my God voice. It was active earlier in our relationship before the abuse had started. Now I understand why he told me he can not stand the bond that my mom and I have. It all makes sense now.
They want to be the only important person and thing in your life. My ex Said to me several times “you are dead to me!!” They are the cruelest people walking this earth.
@tanyadepoalo4312 I won't ever understand such cruelty. He even laughed at people who were brought into the hospital in a very serious condition. At that point, I realised I never knew him. Fortunately, we have lived in separate houses ( his homes) since 2022. It's a 10 minute drive from his place to mine. I would never have healed if I stayed with the psychopathic narcissistic. His mother refuses to marry any man , so just like him, she rejects intimacy and commitment. There must be a genetic link there. 🤔
@@melisentiapheiffer3034 Glad you are out! Mine was the same, just want to spread his seed without any intention of being an actual parent. Take care of yourself.
I said no to my ex narcissistic husband, regarding our kids. His revenge: he filed 5 contempts of court against me. Each held a 6 months jail sentence. Luckily the judge dismissed them all as utter nonsense. I still had a large legal bill to pay. They are vicious and cruel. I’ve been divorced 12 years, two more years of coparenting to go. The abuse never stops. I keep saying no and get the police to assist.
I was raised in a sadistically abusive family fueled by crime, addiction, neglect & trauma & they pushed me into a relationship w a genuine NPD abuser @ jst 13, they welcomed him w open arm's & the abuse I suffered from them all is absolutely criminal & sadistic that started when I was so young pushed onto somebody else by my family is a whole other level of fckd up & is why I ddnt have a chance against him & the nxt 25+ yrs off on were far below the 7th Circle of Hell & I now have 2 yrs away from him, complete radio silence, moved town's & ALL my 411 so he only has my sister for the 411 & I made sure to tell her keep her mouth fckng shut for the trauma bond is so strong that I legit can't say NO to him once he's around, can't tell him to leave & the beginning of 2022 I was a hostage in my own apt & it was bad far worse than ever so I did my absolute bestest to go off the grid as far as he's concerned for fck that shit, nope. Over it. 2 yrs & counting day by day. 🤓🤓🤓
"A boundary can't just be no no no no" - You're absolutely correct! I told my neighbor no 100 times and I told him to stop. It wasn't until I finally told my apartment manager about it and she spoke to him, that he finally stopped harassing me for cigarettes, stopped smoking cigarettes on his balcony, and stopped walking around with feces on himself. He doesn't operate from what's right. He operates based on what he thinks he can get away with. When he initially moved in he'd say "I hate to be a bum" when he'd ask for a cigarette. But when I stopped giving him cigarettes he'd say I was stingy and that he thought I'd have a heart. Narcissists say the right words but their actions are the complete opposite. He didn't hate being a bum at all. He felt entitled to my cigarettes and all of his other nonsense. He's nearly 60 years old but acts like a spoiled child. I actually think spoiled children act better than he does.
I helped the narc on a daily basis for over a year cooking meals ,picking up stuff giving gifts and I don’t even live there .He was a complete taker I just shut down when I realised he didn’t give a crap about me .He just went ballistic with revenge .
Don't get stuck for the 32 years I was stuck for. He only moved out 3 weeks ago. I have NOT been able to say "no" yet. I tried to establish no contact, well, light contact. He wrapped me into it again so quickly. He is now back in his "I'm sorry, I will do ANYTHING to get you back. I will wait as long as it takes, because there is NO ONE else that I want to be with". Said these things only days after threatening to unleash a smear campaign on social media, as well as with my best friend. Only days after he said he was going to "erase" me from his life- all photos, all memories, anything that remotely reminded him of me. Yesterday, he called me to invite me to go hot tubbing at his co-worker's place. Again, AFTER he was so torturous that my young adult son told me to get a restraining order. This pattern has been happening every few days for the last few months, once I told him I was NOT going to participate in this cycle of abuse any longer. I just literally cannot do it or I will end up in a rubberized room in a mental institution. That is LITERALLY how I have been feeling.
I can relate to everything you say. They are crazy, horrible individuals who do live in their own twisted world as Richard says. I hope you can break free from your abuser’s clutches for good in the near future. Of course he’ll come out with a load of bs to get you back but literally nothing he says or promises you is true. Have a hug from me xx
I hope you have the strength to let him follow through on the "threat" of deleting the memory of you from his life. That will be the beginning of your healing, restoration and peace. Don't fall for empty words that mean nothing. Best of luck 💜
@@sharon_rose724 Well, He is still love-bombing, apologizing for being "relentless", asking me what he can do to come back into my life. AND apologizing for being "abusive" with his behavior this last week. It has been awful. He also has stalked me- showed up somewhere I went and came up behind me, unannounced, slapped his hands down on my shoulders. Freaked me out, took me by surprise, and later accused me of having "something going on" between me and my guitar player friend that was there with me. Not true. We are very good friends, and it was a blues jam that I convinced him to go to, because I am trying to help him get his art out of his head and more into his heart- getting on touch with the feeling side of the music some more. Sigh. I am SSSOOOOOO tired.
I understand you completely. Maybe your only solution is to prepare a full escape plan. It's hard and take time but it's doable. I had to move from Europe to Canada, change my name and occupation as well as get immigration alerted of his intentions of not letting go of me. It took about 2 years but I was able to escape fully. To this day I still don't use my new full name (nicknames only and nothing he would figure out and no face recognition pics, always vague) in fear I'd need to escape again, everything is under a business name too, phone, rental agreement, car... I will have to be cautious for the rest of my life but at least I got rid of my ex sociopathic narcissist. I wish you good luck and hope you find the courage to escape, but please don't tell anyone you are planning this, even your family, wait to be out and safe first. Sending you courage and love. 8 years of freedom, I wish the same for you, freedom!!!
You can do it! block him on everything and delete your social media accounts too don't second guess it do it because after a month you will instantly see how you don't need them, and it is setting a boundary by not feeling you need to tell everybody everything all the time or where you're going you just do it when you decide. It takes you back to simpler times again somewhat by distancing yourself from technology a bit and all the bad ways people are taking advantage of it all the time everything we read on them is just all about the lives of other people not ours. For your phone change your number so he can't go calling you on different numbers and make sure to only give it to your most trusted then explain to them why to never hand your number to him no matter what he says it's for or what he asks. Give him zero chance not the slightest to even so much as try to "explain" his "reasonings", he acts completely opportunistic all the time so you have to be opportunistic when needed so don't give him the any opening whatsoever because he'll see it and take it straight away seeing it as his way in. Don't be afraid to do it because he wouldn't hesitate to treat you the way he does remember that he wouldn't hesitate, why should you hesitate to do what you need to do for your safety and sanity?. Get yourself out of there girl!
While these videos help me understand my own personal experiences, and help me deal with my daughter, who is displaying more than just a few traits herself, the videos help me see more and more how society is displaying these traits as a whole. I have been saying that the people are under NPD abuse from the governments, and society is infected with increasing numbers of those affected.
Richard, as always, thank you for sharing your wisdom, experience, and expertise! A few months ago, I told my NPD "I'm not playing your game". Nearly every day since then, in one form or another(not physical...Though they did threaten to break my bedroom door down)they have been making me pay for the narcissistic injury I have caused them. If that wasn't bad enough, the head of the household is, and has always been, their enabler. Despite the abuse the enabler has seen and experienced first hand, he refuses to hold the NPD accountable for their actions. So in essence, I am daily fighting three battles. One with my own mental health issues. One against my(the family's)NPD. And one against the NPD's enabler. It is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting to say the least! To all who are going through something similar, I wish you peace, happiness, and freedom.
@@alpal87 Thank you for the reply, kind words and suggestions! I am currently trying to go no contact. Unfortunately, that is nearly impossible living in the same house. And to make matters worse, since I am denying the narcissist his "supply" he has repeatedly pressured the enabler to force me to have a sit down with him. There are no boundaries in this family. They are simply not allowed or respected. So yes, the best option would be for me to move out. Which I, for a few reasons, am unable to do right now. Thank you again! ✌❤ EDIT: My NPD is also a sibling. I hope that your issues with your sister are behind you. I wish you peace and happiness!
I thought I was going mad. Couldn't sleep, stressed, when I told my GP and the Gp asked what might be the cause of the stress and depression, I had no answer. My work is great, but when am coming bk home, I get this feeling of worthlessness, anything I say gets deflected and I end up being accused of something I have no idea about. The headaches every day oh God.pain killers became my snack. But what amazed me was my partner would look at me in my sorry state and say things like, ur over thinking ..... (any nasty word she would come up with) . I look at her In shock then she smiles, when I ask, what's funny ,she tells me am so uptight ,I can't take a joke, then I get even more angry and confused. As I try to ask her to explain her self she walks away with earphones in her ears. Anything I say from then never gets replied too but she gives me this nasty look accompanied with eye-rolling. But it all starts with me asking a simple question which am of the impression requires just a basic simple yes or no. At the end I regret even asking the question in the first place.
Yes! Always pushing on the boundaries and not accepting them. It becomes a personal game and challenge to get over the boundaries you’ve set for your protection. And they still expect you to love them.
I just said No to an N after they asked me the same question a couple weeks ago and just asked again today…totally ignoring my first explanation as to why it was a No. (I could almost feel the horns growing as their whole mood changed 🤭) This pattern of pushing my boundaries is so obvious now when it occurs. Kinda funny to observe how consistently they try to manipulate acting as though they forgot the original No. Thank you for your continued dedication , I’ve come along way learning from you in the last 10 years. It feels so good to be able to trust my feelings say “NO” and see thru when I’m being manipulated 🙌
Yes!! Ex friend would always play the “ I don’t remember saying or doing that”. Or didn’t remember the conversation about her unkind behavior. “I did that? Ha! I don’t even remember”, with a sing song sooorrrrry at the end. Then laugh. It was maddening.
I think the splitting is why I kept thinking and saying "I don't even know myself anymore", and why so many with cptsd get misdiagnosed with BPD. Thanks for some clarity, as usual, Richard.
My ex friend had many narcissistic traits. Richard explained my relationship with this person perfectly. They constantly lied to me. Had multiple conversations about it. Then they’d lie again and again. She not only lied but controlled so many aspects of our friendship. I’d finally had enough. I started to say “that’s not going to work for me”. The look on her face the first time I said that was priceless. She didn’t know what to do. She’d called all the shots for years. I continued to tell her my expectations and she ignored them all. She started to turn on me as I continued to set boundaries. She became really mean. Left the friendship. My life is so much calmer now. I’ve recommended this channel to others.
You can put them on a behavior plan. They will either show you an ability to pick and choose their behavior or they will leave you. You will see an extinction burst. Ride it out and you'll win.
3:20 omg this so explains the effect my brother had on me. I’d been quite a sweet kid I guess you could say and then that’s the thing my brother really used to target and for a number of years I then became convinced it was a bad side of myself and am only starting to regain it in the last year thank god
I am a new subscriber; glad I found your channel. After escaping a serious LTR that was dangerous I swore to educate myself as much as I could on personality disorders to keep myself safe. But, I think I have more NPD's around me than I thought. Nothing close to me but I have to keep cautious. Thank you for your education.
The biggest strength I had was Knowing My Truth and calling them out. Whether it be a brother, sister, friend or boyfriend. God has always been my truth teller and my guides have been my angels. Many times I have spent some time Blinded ( believing in the false narrative) but sooner or later the Light shown through and the truth set me free.
It takes something to not walk around in the fear/frustration/resentment, especially in a shared spaces. Gray-rocking always felt weird to me, and I think realized it was because I was really just spending all my energy trying to avoid them… and thinking about how to avoid them, and if avoiding them would make them mad, etc - so they still somehow “won” my attention. Now I am trying to take that energy and actively turn it toward myself, with a focus on discovering, aligning, and walking in my Truths. I am trusting that I will have plenty of time to process all the chaos and pain once I’m in a safe space to do so, and a firmer faith in doing what is right for myself I imagine will probably go a long way with that. Three years ago my Mom was killed by domestic assault, and it had taken me this long to see just how deep this pattern of codependency still runs, and the dangers of not truly interrupting it for good. I pray all the beautiful souls coming to the comment section of an abuse video for help realize that you already are and always have been perfect, whole, and complete. You are loved and you’ve got this!
For certain now they're gone! i am free!🥳🎉🎂cake for everyone! i was still half expecting them to be faking it again but i also felt it right away their oppressive energy instantly dissipate. Totally a consequence has to happen because they just behave too far and too insane for there not to be, there just has to. You may still feel a bit bad about it later but that just means you have real empathy and compassion. If you're a strong enough person it won't effect who you are in any way. You have to make them realize you're completely dead serious or they absolutely won't get the message at all and still think they're safe, and then continue. It's not about trying to change them because they won't if they don't want to, it's just that making them deal with an actual big enough consequence that will create enough of a crack in their perception to completely scare them off because they don't want to question themselves. They indeed have a crazy sense of perception that nothing is going to happen and that it possibly can't in any way like consequences aren't even a thing or a concept, they're so incredibly confident it won't to complete blindness. When it does they're so seriously surprised and shaken😂but i think it was much needed for them because god knows all of it also changed a lot of our perceptions.
I've been questioning whether my ex was really suffering NPD but this video and your explanation of the process of the relationship and what it does to the partner of the NPD person just removed ALL doubt. Thank you for the work that you are doing Richard. You are truly helping people. I appreciate you calling out us who go into these relationships too. We cannot heal and change if we don't admit our part in it all.
100% agree with everything you said. It ends up a strategic war. I went to the darkest places and if I I did not go through six years of being in a narcissistic abusive relationship and leaving it I would not have been changed forever so radically. He kept trying to come back and think I was going to fall back into the lies, cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, ghosting which was to put me back in my box and set his boundaries and expectations. I realised this was about me more than him and my boundaries, expectations and emotionality. I dived deep to pull it all apart and most of my expectations went back to my childhood and the consequence of having a narcissistic father as a male role model who was physically and emotionally abusive. Self centered and full of rage and self gratification. His mood swings controlled wether I was happy or sad, scared or safe. I was always seeking his approval to feel whole. Ironically I have had to move both him and my mother in due to their health and he has not changed and will not change. He soon found out I am not the scared child he controlled through his behaviours. And he will launch character assassinations, yell, rant and rave to try to intimidate and have his way. Though being aged he cannot use physical violence as a tool anymore. My mother still feeds the situation and stands by his side loyally making excuses and sacrificing her happiness for his. My brother has not see either of them for many many years. Still angry at his childhood treatment and both parents refusal to see wrong or change their toxic behaviours. Sad really especially for my mother.
I need this course! 30 years of emotional abuse and today I’m going to begin to have him be of zero significance in my life! I’m so very grateful for your in depth knowledge of these “troubled souls”! Hope to catch a live chat/teaching! God bless us all!🙏
Thank you Richard Grannon! Only 2 months in and so damaged by The Narcissist. I came out before watching this video as I lost my husband recently and promised myself I would never give into someone who hurts me. Still, your video brings so much comfort. Thank you!
Did this, started to say No, completely cut this particular person from my life (family member) and four years later with no contact I'm feeling normal more than at any time of my life.. This person has been triangulating like crazy in an effort to 'get' to me. Utterly insane when you actually take a few steps back and out of their influence and you can see clearly exactly what was happening. Disturbing. I recommend this course from Richard , I honestly could not have done it without his help here, it's not easy but what he says is true, they can and DO become utterly inconsequential in your life.
This was helpful for me. I felt sick in my stomach during the last weeks of the relationship. I expressed how sad and hurtful some things were to me, but she consistently hurt me again and again. Bye loser!
If you haven’t already Richard, would you please do a video on the difference between narcissistic abusers and garden variety gender driven domestic violence/sexual assault.
When It's a Whole town tried for so long to break you down and take the most precious folk in your life, like your kids.. I going to This slow process. I'm not longer there, but Those memories wake me up at nigth. ❤❤ We are SAFE...
ChatGPT Behind the mask of courage, bold and bright, The covert narcissist dons armor, feigned and tight. Called out for shadows cast by their own hand, They stand defiant, yet tremble where they stand. A brave facade, a warrior’s guise they wear, With eyes that dart and voices cracked in air. Eyelids flushed, their temper barely kept, In truth, a frightened child beneath what's prepped. They rally words, like soldiers to the fray, But each retort, a desperate bid to sway. The truth, a mirror shattering their might, Reveals the cracks within their crafted light. Their tough exterior, a fragile shell, Inside, the chaos roars, a private hell. Back pain bears down, the weight of lies they spin, A heavy burden from the war within. In silence, they scratch heads in deep despair, Their flying monkeys summoned, none to care. For once exposed, their kingdom starts to fall, And brave fronts crumble, weakest of them all.
Just enforcing the boundaries. They have no respect for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, now they want to my ibsesseive, then. Possessive, and then super controlling? Violating you at every chance they can get which is extremely wrong. The punishment isnt mines,it's theirs, and its not revenge, its not vengeance, its justice. They ruin my body and if it would've kept on going, I would've been dead with everything about me, destroyed. I never thought I would say it but just like those Vietnam vets, better them than me.
There are some things worse than death and they were trying to do that very same things to me. I was super stripped of my life and the world to the max. They're evil. I was saved. And if it will come at the cost of their life and limb then I don't want it. They need to change.
Anyone who has that emotional overlay, that enmeshment where I AM you and you ARE me but of course I AM the one in charge of us… is going to insist upon no boundaries because not controlling their supply makes them feel out of control themselves. Meanwhile, of course, you’re becoming a ghost who can’t interact with anything.
Miigwech (thank u) I luv this,as I'm a survivor,continuous,lol. I'm continually learning so I am greatful to people like u and my daughter who is truly a gift to my family and this world as she's helped me alot! to recognize n stop these nonsense parties as my son sez,lol,😊 but again, Thanx for sharing
Just learning for the first time to answer "no" is a piece of work Another piece of work is discerning when you have and should give that answer... And discerning people who for sure deserve your "no" is another big piece of work And good luck for all on this pathway 🍀
I said No finally to being routinely ordered out of the bed. Man did I cop it. I was then aggressively kicked out of the bed. After twenty years, I left the next morning. Saying No was impossible for me. The punishment was too upsetting
Mr. Grannon, today is the day I moved out of the house. I only told him yesterday that I found a place (we spoke about separation many times before). Never had so many dramas in one day as yesterday. From trying to scare me off, guilt trip, make me sympathize with him, distract me with unnecessary things, etc. I will have to go back to pick up my stuff. But I'm already feeling so much more empowered. I can't thank you enough for the encouragement. You have literally kept my sanity!
Great description about "splitting", exactly 9 months after our relationship began, I took a crazy unhealthy decision and left my beautiful little home to move in to his old unhealthy place! Now I know his wish was to have me under his control because it was his territory but I wouldn't have done this before for anyone! I began to accept many things like his scary raging behavior instead of just going away like I would have done before and I maladapted to his hidden wicked will😢. Now I'm far away and safe. Thanks again Richard🙏🏻⚘️
I couldnt have any female friends on Facebook, but it was ok for her to have lots of male ex work colleagues, contact her, and her ex partner would regularly phone her and call into her house for coffee, Valentines day she would put on display, cards and roses,she had off other admirers, i gave up in the end .finally walked away after 10 yrs. Two months now,no contact.😊
Yes I did break down into a clinical depression. After the 20 yr marriage to the narc and his narc family ended as he ran away with another supply I was still being abused by both narcissist families his and mine and trap set by them. Decades of narc abuse until 5 years ago I went no contact for life with the whole satanic pack. I love my life now and I love me again. I didn’t have just one I had a pack of narcissists attacking me! I was sick to death of their theatrics in front of other people it was a show of lies. I saw their mask come off the whole pack omg 😲 they’re so ugly you can see the demon inside them surface and it’s an ugly creature. Thank God I’m out.
They discard you and discard their own children too and focus on their new supply. I accepted it and moved on living my life and kept shinning and he doesn't exist. They always reap what they sow especially as they're getting older. I feel sorry for whoever he is with because that person has zero idea of who that monster is.
The way that this guy talks about narcissism adds an almost spiritual component to it. Which I completely understand coming from a situation in which I had to contend with stuff like magic, demonic narcissist, witches, God and the devil and the nature of Good and Evil. Considering that I too had to make something of a sacrifice. I wasn’t sure what was going on a lot of the time, but looking back on it, it’s starting to make a little more sense now.
I gave very little response to one of my narcs today. Just simple “good morning” and a flat tone of what I was doing when she asked. Refused to engage in further conversation. One method she tried was complimenting my baby’s outfit. When she wasn’t getting compliments back or a “thank you” from me, she asked if I was ignoring her. I asked if she knew about gray rocking and then walked away 😆 *sigh* felt so good
7 months away and the spell is truly broke. He has at least 5 in his energy. I'm slowly putting my life back together. And yes I did say NO and been no contact since April.
My partner and I were in bed, and I said no to what it was he wanted, and his response was to question me as to why my no was apparently more important than his yes... obviously, I was unhealthy and allowed his yes more importance than my no!
Funny, isn't it, that the most reliable way to get a woman out of your life is to say no, or stop. The reaction will either a tantrum, a sulk, or dumbfounded shock and disappointment. Only a tiny number either see that coming based on how I react to them behaving, and I don't need to say anything. As in one in a hundred or so.
Or get a different job, or do gig work, or just work at the crappy job giving them half-ass effort while taking a course and training to get a better job. I'm not understanding why you think "you don't have a choice."
Understand that a friendship with a narcissist can be beneficial if your not as outspoken or socially mischievous, it's like sending someone to do PR dirty work for you. Through them you learn how to match wits as everyone is trying to best them or they just step all over people who are always trying to best them. Just try not to make their unruly behavior about you and channel it to other people giving you problems.
What if the person doesn't *present* as narcissistic? I'm talking about a friend who has this phony, goody-goody veneer in which she does caring things (sends cards, bakes things, etc) but whenever she leaves, I have this icky, dark feeling. She hasn't done anything terrible, but the feeling is still there. I thought I was mentoring her (she just graduated college), but I realized that she started putting herself on my level and almost posturing to be superior to me. I have since put up boundaries and will not have her in my home again, but I'm not sure if she is/was narcissistic or something else. Either way, I'm trusting my instincts.
Yeah she is that's how it starts usually it's just minor like that and they'll do "nice" things as part of the love bombing giving you intense attention to make you feel so special, liked, accepted, acknowledged. She hasn't done anything terrible yet but believe me it escalates fast give it 2 or 3 months or less and it'll start as soon as they feel they've completely gained your trust. She already started though by being condescending and acting like she's superior to you so your instincts are correct and you nipped it in the bud at just the right time before it got worse. She'll do this to invoke a feeling you need to be competitive with her and then she would have kept making every little thing a "competitive" situation like you're something she needs to constantly compete against and attempt to drag you into it each time to cause arguments and drama. It's one of the main things they do and they want to invoke feelings of hatred that fuels these petty competitive situations because they think this is the only way they can get attention from people, when they could've just asked questions if they're wondering about something but they wouldn't dream of it. Who knows if she even wanted to be mentored or anything for that matter everything is fiend and you wouldn't have gotten anywhere real with her, they just do these things to get into anywhere and into anyone's hearts to cause issues. The education system is a major influence for this sort of behavior too.
Richard Grannon. My son is married to a true covert narc. My son is now a reactive narcissist (my term). He has been taught to project her and now his false reality towards me. Unfortunately, I can not go no contact. Why? Because of my granddaughter. She is the pawn of the covert narc and now of my son. She is 6. I am in year 3 of healing. No to my empath self. No to them. I had an experience with a malignant narcissist. How I am able to see my son's wife mask. 100%. I need help. Please give me advice. How do I talk, discuss, with my 6 year old granddaughter? She says daddy takes Dana's side. There is so much, it's devastating. Everything is either my fault or my granddaughters. You, sir, use words and psychological terms I get. A deeper level of explanation I have yet to listen to. This is my granddaughter's life and future. I need help.
You don't discuss it with her. As you said she's 6. She won't understand and all she'll take from it is there is a divide in the family and she'll want to choose a side. She can't chose a side when she has to live with then for another 12 years or more. There isn't anything you can do other than be there for her. As she gets older if she comes to you then great, she has a support system in you. That's more than a lot of people get. She has to grow and learn the hard lessons that come with these type of people for herself. I'm speaking from experience. My nan was my support system too but she died the day before my 12th birthday. That killed me even more than anything at home did. Look after yourself first, and you can then be there for her.
@rebeccaj6772 I disagree 100%. She brings it up to me. I can't be a support system if I don't know the 6 year old words she can relate to. And let her deal with it on her own? That is awful. She's lost her confidence, independence, and kid like mindset. I'm not wanting her to choose a side. I want to soothe her, comfort her, make sure she knows it is not her, she is not bad, she is not stupid. And she doesnt do anything wrong. She doesn't even cry anymore. And announces it like it's a good thing. I am so sorry you lost your grandma. Buy please heal. A 6 yr old is defenseless. And for her to deal with it on her own is just as cruel, maybe more so, than the narcs.
@@trinablakely7762 Are they physically abusing her? If so then the only thing you can do is take them to court. If they aren't, what else can you do apart from be a support system? As much as you may want too, you can't protect her from the world especially her parents (obviously unless they are genuinely abusing her). I know you want too, and I can also tell you're very maternal which i respect but unless you live in that house, what's goes on isn't something you can control. She's going to be tough as nails from all this and when she's older she'll be wise enough to hopefully never end up in a relationship like that herself.
get the NEW course on Narcissistic Matrix : Reintegration here members.richardgrannon.com/narcissistic-matrix-reintegration-navs
Although I do love your approach, and the philosophy side of things… I am still glad and very grateful that you have not shut down the narcissistic abuse recovery side of your business! You’ve put out so much great stuff, valuable resources over the years. And, there’s so many people That are new to all of this and just coming to the table of recovery. It’s good to be keeping the algorithm trained with all the fresh stuff you’re posting! And Instagram too.
Sending you big American bear hugs from California!
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. Also about your last relationship, slipping back into it. There’s no shame in it, no amount of education can protect us 100% from the evil always tries to find new and different ways to slide into our life. And that dynamic of honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, sharing just as step recovery, has so much power to help others in their recovery journey, whether they are fresh or decades into it. When people are used to being lied to incessantly, and massively increasing way as we experience in a cluster B relationship, just finding one honest person can literally make the difference between life and not life. And a step in the path of awakening and healing at minimum!!
*12 Step Recovery
2:00 😊
Behavior is a language.
Listen...
Yes!
Nonverbal, speaks, listen with your eyes.
It’s horrific that children with Narc parents cannot set any boundaries without the risk of serious and ever escalating abuse and violence against them. All the while that said parents are brainwashing the adults who would have helped these children. Very sad situation!
As a child of a narc parent, I have learnt that if saying no unleashes hell from a person who claims they love you, there was never any love their in the first place. It's easier to let go that way. It's all a facade of a loving parent but there's nothing behind. Because love does not stop, and if it stops, it's not love.
I actually dealt with this today. After I went to work, my “wife”, whose name is ironically Venus, woke up my 15 year old daughter and started yelling at her, probably cussing and saying really nasty things… that’s her MO. This is now the 3rd time in 4 weeks that my 4 year old son jumped in the middle and started apologizing, thinking it was his fault 😡 I went to work and sent her a text asking how her day was going. See below:
Me: How’s ur day.
Her: it’s ok. mylah (our daughter) got up really late. my day started off with me trying to wake her 2x and third time yelling at her and about her attitude. Thomas got in the middle and apologize…I apologized to mylah later and so did she..I left for work close to 10a
How about you?
Btw, Thomas graduating from PAT, Ms Christy’s program. It’s at 5:30p. We should be home before you though..
😊
Me: ok. But It sucks that he keeps apologizing for something that he didn’t do.
Makes me really sad, and a little bit angry.
Very uncool Venus!
I got quiet. I figured out that my mom was unstable, and unpleasant, when I was about 15. I left home after high school. She still talks at me, but then I hang up and go sanitize my mind.
And when those children grow up they still have no boundaries and getting in toxic relationships and even don’t understand what’s wrong, because that’s the “normal” for them: not being heard, not being accepted, etc… then when you find out basically almost accidentally what’s going on and start saying no all hell breaks loose. Being thrown out from the family home wasn’t easy to digest, but what I find more difficult is dealing with the flying monkeys and whatever they done to you is still not enough, because some people might actually like you, or just the sheer fact that I’m still breathing, they never give up. Only what I wish is a peaceful death, and it’s hard enough to forgive myself that I wasted my life on people who just know me while I served them, but I don’t know if I ever will be able to forgive the things they did.
I fought back. Shr called the cops on me and she got arrested. Kept her hands to herself, but the lies in my youth were insane.
When I finally use the word no I am amazed to see the people were really using me as a doormat. It surprised me how they were stunned at my no. I’ve always been a yes mam
this
Yes!! Some are actually stunned.
I said “I have boundaries” and the response was a 3 page txt message which ended “I’ve got to block you now”…
For flipping real! Mental. Well done again Richard 😎
😅😅😅😅😅😅
healthy person would have responded: "ok cool, that's awesome, my bad!"
Oh no way. Mine did the same thing!!! What? Of course, not even 24 hours later, he broke his "no contact".. Haha. It's so sad, actually...
@joshangout9609 You've gotta wean them off you a bit before doing it that i've figured out while i was being viciously stalked in an online game so make yourself more unavailable coming up with a very believable excuse, get them used to it, and then bolt.
That way it makes it easier for them to let go of their fantasy creating more of a sense of closure for both of you and narcissists will try to stop you gaining any closure but it's exactly what's needed. Even for them because they've still gotten too used to you being around and being attached to you in the twisted way they are, gotten too used to feeling safe with you. Even for them it's about habits and each person is a really bad habit for them.
Count your blessings - you won.
One thing I haven’t heard you touch on is the double standard aspect of the narcissistic abuse. It’s ok for the narcissist to come and go as they please, but when their partner/spouse goes to the grocery store there are 17 phone calls, 23 texts and of course the surprise show ups. It got so bad for me I didn’t even bother to leave the house for 2 years. That’s extremely abusive and controlling. I would wake up at 2 am and he was gone God knew where but if I was to do that ohhhh boy watch out.
Just made me think of our gov and society. Inverting what is good/bad
Circus Corona.
Please do an episode on when you realize you were a flying monkey and how you have to replay everything and realize all you had done.
Too bad I am a saiyan.
The narcissist loves to play and also finds pleasure in his attempts to break into your boundaries. It is a challenge for him, and every time you repel him, you make his saliva drool and his fangs come out. You make yourself an unattainable meal for him. For this reason, do not have mercy on him, even if he tries in any way, do not have mercy on him, even if he is alone, do not have mercy on him, do not give him any room, and try, he will turn, the monster will emerge for you, and you will see it with your own eyes, and he will not have mercy on you
In my experience, if you say no there will be drama and pushback. If you DO no, without asking for acceptance, just doing it - politely, clearly, respectfully and consistently, it goes quiet pretty quickly. It takes the willingness and commitment to see it through, and be prepared to lose things you hadn't budgeted for.
On point! Up until recently I had made always made an actual request (using words) for space/silence/reflection after upsets, it almost always turned into a bigger argument. After bold-faced and physically aggressive gaslighting attempt a few days ago, I finally just went silent (headphones on in shared spaces; in room/in an activity or out of house as much as possible, data-only communication when absolutely required) and it has been gloriously quiet since. He didn’t even ask why or what is going on, almost like it was expected.
Well said!! Couldn't agree more. Especially on the responsibility for how "we" behave, we know it's a lie, that motives matter, it's sad, when you see they didn't value YOU, but what they could get, take, manipulate, etc.. but then it's our responsibility to stop the sh¡+ show. Because we no longer participate. Thank you Richard 👍🏼♥️
They have to control
My ex npd would say, "I hate it when you say no"
My reply was, "well I guess that's a you problem "
It only lasted 18ths and I was out. But I did have issues after. 3 mths on the outside almost back to 100%. Every time a thought of him or our experience comes up, I say NO 😂
My wife literally threw a temper tantrum in the middle of a shopping mall after she wondered into the Gucci store, saw a purse that she wanted, and I told her no.
Back track a week… I just bought her a beautiful Louis Vuitton bag for Mother’s Day.
She jumped up and down, stomped her feet and asked in a loud, whiny voice “why, am I not good enough? You don’t love me”!
This was before I knew what NPD was, but I still held my ground. I felt as though I was dealing with a bratty 15 year old, complete split in an instance.
He has full-blown NPD. His mother severely abused him and his brother before they were even in kindergarten. He confessed to me after 20 years that he likes no intimacy and no commitment. But he wanted to have children with me in 2022. We even went for fertility treatment. Still not married. He wanted to turn me into the mother symbol! I put a stop to the fertility treatment. We can not have children together, ever. Now I'm rendered dead ( because I set boundaries) even though we share bulldogs. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. It's severe abuse. I'm learning to use my life voice, my death voice, and my God voice. It was active earlier in our relationship before the abuse had started. Now I understand why he told me he can not stand the bond that my mom and I have. It all makes sense now.
They want to be the only important person and thing in your life. My ex Said to me several times “you are dead to me!!” They are the cruelest people walking this earth.
@tanyadepoalo4312 I won't ever understand such cruelty. He even laughed at people who were brought into the hospital in a very serious condition. At that point, I realised I never knew him. Fortunately, we have lived in separate houses ( his homes) since 2022. It's a 10 minute drive from his place to mine. I would never have healed if I stayed with the psychopathic narcissistic. His mother refuses to marry any man , so just like him, she rejects intimacy and commitment. There must be a genetic link there. 🤔
@@melisentiapheiffer3034 Glad you are out! Mine was the same, just want to spread his seed without any intention of being an actual parent. Take care of yourself.
Just get away from him. Leave and never look back.
@@Vrin137 I have been saving money for four years already. I'm looking forward to the day I will be completely free of him.
When I said I’ve got boundaries he replied with laugh and a sentence - what boundaries ? You don’t have any boundaries 🤦🏻♀️
Mine would always criticize me for my "inability to make or hold boundaries". Sounds very familiar
I said no to my ex narcissistic husband, regarding our kids. His revenge: he filed 5 contempts of court against me. Each held a 6 months jail sentence.
Luckily the judge dismissed them all as utter nonsense. I still had a large legal bill to pay.
They are vicious and cruel.
I’ve been divorced 12 years, two more years of coparenting to go. The abuse never stops.
I keep saying no and get the police to assist.
Reprogramming takes a while.
I was raised in a sadistically abusive family fueled by crime, addiction, neglect & trauma & they pushed me into a relationship w a genuine NPD abuser @ jst 13, they welcomed him w open arm's & the abuse I suffered from them all is absolutely criminal & sadistic that started when I was so young pushed onto somebody else by my family is a whole other level of fckd up & is why I ddnt have a chance against him & the nxt 25+ yrs off on were far below the 7th Circle of Hell & I now have 2 yrs away from him, complete radio silence, moved town's & ALL my 411 so he only has my sister for the 411 & I made sure to tell her keep her mouth fckng shut for the trauma bond is so strong that I legit can't say NO to him once he's around, can't tell him to leave & the beginning of 2022 I was a hostage in my own apt & it was bad far worse than ever so I did my absolute bestest to go off the grid as far as he's concerned for fck that shit, nope. Over it. 2 yrs & counting day by day. 🤓🤓🤓
well done !
"A boundary can't just be no no no no" - You're absolutely correct! I told my neighbor no 100 times and I told him to stop. It wasn't until I finally told my apartment manager about it and she spoke to him, that he finally stopped harassing me for cigarettes, stopped smoking cigarettes on his balcony, and stopped walking around with feces on himself. He doesn't operate from what's right. He operates based on what he thinks he can get away with. When he initially moved in he'd say "I hate to be a bum" when he'd ask for a cigarette. But when I stopped giving him cigarettes he'd say I was stingy and that he thought I'd have a heart. Narcissists say the right words but their actions are the complete opposite. He didn't hate being a bum at all. He felt entitled to my cigarettes and all of his other nonsense. He's nearly 60 years old but acts like a spoiled child. I actually think spoiled children act better than he does.
i'm glad you were able to indentify and deal with the problem. Many suffer that for decades from family members.
thanks for sharing. That describes the position I am in
Getting out and off the drama triangle and on the empowerment triangle as I keep walking away from crazy 🚶
@@krusher74 Thank you.
Worst Nightmare the neighbour that is so bad you sell and leave to get away from yeesh
I helped the narc on a daily basis for over a year cooking meals ,picking up stuff giving gifts and I don’t even live there .He was a complete taker I just shut down when I realised he didn’t give a crap about me .He just went ballistic with revenge .
Don't get stuck for the 32 years I was stuck for. He only moved out 3 weeks ago. I have NOT been able to say "no" yet. I tried to establish no contact, well, light contact. He wrapped me into it again so quickly. He is now back in his "I'm sorry, I will do ANYTHING to get you back. I will wait as long as it takes, because there is NO ONE else that I want to be with". Said these things only days after threatening to unleash a smear campaign on social media, as well as with my best friend. Only days after he said he was going to "erase" me from his life- all photos, all memories, anything that remotely reminded him of me. Yesterday, he called me to invite me to go hot tubbing at his co-worker's place. Again, AFTER he was so torturous that my young adult son told me to get a restraining order. This pattern has been happening every few days for the last few months, once I told him I was NOT going to participate in this cycle of abuse any longer. I just literally cannot do it or I will end up in a rubberized room in a mental institution. That is LITERALLY how I have been feeling.
I can relate to everything you say. They are crazy, horrible individuals who do live in their own twisted world as Richard says. I hope you can break free from your abuser’s clutches for good in the near future. Of course he’ll come out with a load of bs to get you back but literally nothing he says or promises you is true. Have a hug from me xx
I hope you have the strength to let him follow through on the "threat" of deleting the memory of you from his life. That will be the beginning of your healing, restoration and peace. Don't fall for empty words that mean nothing. Best of luck 💜
@@sharon_rose724 Well, He is still love-bombing, apologizing for being "relentless", asking me what he can do to come back into my life. AND apologizing for being "abusive" with his behavior this last week. It has been awful. He also has stalked me- showed up somewhere I went and came up behind me, unannounced, slapped his hands down on my shoulders. Freaked me out, took me by surprise, and later accused me of having "something going on" between me and my guitar player friend that was there with me. Not true. We are very good friends, and it was a blues jam that I convinced him to go to, because I am trying to help him get his art out of his head and more into his heart- getting on touch with the feeling side of the music some more. Sigh. I am SSSOOOOOO tired.
I understand you completely. Maybe your only solution is to prepare a full escape plan. It's hard and take time but it's doable. I had to move from Europe to Canada, change my name and occupation as well as get immigration alerted of his intentions of not letting go of me. It took about 2 years but I was able to escape fully. To this day I still don't use my new full name (nicknames only and nothing he would figure out and no face recognition pics, always vague) in fear I'd need to escape again, everything is under a business name too, phone, rental agreement, car... I will have to be cautious for the rest of my life but at least I got rid of my ex sociopathic narcissist. I wish you good luck and hope you find the courage to escape, but please don't tell anyone you are planning this, even your family, wait to be out and safe first. Sending you courage and love. 8 years of freedom, I wish the same for you, freedom!!!
You can do it! block him on everything and delete your social media accounts too don't second guess it do it because after a month you will instantly see how you don't need them, and it is setting a boundary by not feeling you need to tell everybody everything all the time or where you're going you just do it when you decide. It takes you back to simpler times again somewhat by distancing yourself from technology a bit and all the bad ways people are taking advantage of it all the time everything we read on them is just all about the lives of other people not ours.
For your phone change your number so he can't go calling you on different numbers and make sure to only give it to your most trusted then explain to them why to never hand your number to him no matter what he says it's for or what he asks.
Give him zero chance not the slightest to even so much as try to "explain" his "reasonings", he acts completely opportunistic all the time so you have to be opportunistic when needed so don't give him the any opening whatsoever because he'll see it and take it straight away seeing it as his way in. Don't be afraid to do it because he wouldn't hesitate to treat you the way he does remember that he wouldn't hesitate, why should you hesitate to do what you need to do for your safety and sanity?. Get yourself out of there girl!
Yes it's like a sort of cult and the manipulation is mind blowing as it runs in the family.
While these videos help me understand my own personal experiences, and help me deal with my daughter, who is displaying more than just a few traits herself, the videos help me see more and more how society is displaying these traits as a whole. I have been saying that the people are under NPD abuse from the governments, and society is infected with increasing numbers of those affected.
Richard, as always, thank you for sharing your wisdom, experience, and expertise!
A few months ago, I told my NPD "I'm not playing your game". Nearly every day since then, in one form or another(not physical...Though they did threaten to break my bedroom door down)they have been making me pay for the narcissistic injury I have caused them.
If that wasn't bad enough, the head of the household is, and has always been, their enabler. Despite the abuse the enabler has seen and experienced first hand, he refuses to hold the NPD accountable for their actions.
So in essence, I am daily fighting three battles. One with my own mental health issues. One against my(the family's)NPD. And one against the NPD's enabler.
It is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting to say the least!
To all who are going through something similar, I wish you peace, happiness, and freedom.
I’m so sorry this was my sister. If you can go no contact with all of them and relocate it might help you
@@alpal87 Thank you for the reply, kind words and suggestions! I am currently trying to go no contact. Unfortunately, that is nearly impossible living in the same house. And to make matters worse, since I am denying the narcissist his "supply" he has repeatedly pressured the enabler to force me to have a sit down with him. There are no boundaries in this family. They are simply not allowed or respected.
So yes, the best option would be for me to move out. Which I, for a few reasons, am unable to do right now.
Thank you again! ✌❤
EDIT: My NPD is also a sibling. I hope that your issues with your sister are behind you. I wish you peace and happiness!
Thank you 🙏 I wish you the same!
@@mjm5081ugh. Sending you love ❤❤❤
@@tathe3786 Thank you! 🙏 ✌ ❤
I thought I was going mad. Couldn't sleep, stressed, when I told my GP and the Gp asked what might be the cause of the stress and depression, I had no answer. My work is great, but when am coming bk home, I get this feeling of worthlessness, anything I say gets deflected and I end up being accused of something I have no idea about. The headaches every day oh God.pain killers became my snack. But what amazed me was my partner would look at me in my sorry state and say things like, ur over thinking ..... (any nasty word she would come up with) . I look at her In shock then she smiles, when I ask, what's funny ,she tells me am so uptight ,I can't take a joke, then I get even more angry and confused. As I try to ask her to explain her self she walks away with earphones in her ears. Anything I say from then never gets replied too but she gives me this nasty look accompanied with eye-rolling. But it all starts with me asking a simple question which am of the impression requires just a basic simple yes or no. At the end I regret even asking the question in the first place.
Yes! Always pushing on the boundaries and not accepting them. It becomes a personal game and challenge to get over the boundaries you’ve set for your protection. And they still expect you to love them.
I just said No to an N after they asked me the same question a couple weeks ago and just asked again today…totally ignoring my first explanation as to why it was a No.
(I could almost feel the horns growing as their whole mood changed 🤭)
This pattern of pushing my boundaries is so obvious now when it occurs. Kinda funny to observe how consistently they try to manipulate acting as though they forgot the original No.
Thank you for your continued dedication , I’ve come along way learning from you in the last 10 years.
It feels so good to be able to trust my feelings say “NO” and see thru when I’m being manipulated 🙌
Yes!! Ex friend would always play the “ I don’t remember saying or doing that”. Or didn’t remember the conversation about her unkind behavior.
“I did that? Ha! I don’t even remember”, with a sing song sooorrrrry at the end. Then laugh. It was maddening.
I think the splitting is why I kept thinking and saying "I don't even know myself anymore", and why so many with cptsd get misdiagnosed with BPD. Thanks for some clarity, as usual, Richard.
Bipolar? Thats what im supposed to have. What my mom supposedly had. Ugh
My ex friend had many narcissistic traits. Richard explained my relationship with this person perfectly. They constantly lied to me. Had multiple conversations about it. Then they’d lie again and again. She not only lied but controlled so many aspects of our friendship. I’d finally had enough. I started to say “that’s not going to work for me”. The look on her face the first time I said that was priceless. She didn’t know what to do. She’d called all the shots for years. I continued to tell her my expectations and she ignored them all. She started to turn on me as I continued to set boundaries. She became really mean. Left the friendship. My life is so much calmer now. I’ve recommended this channel to others.
Oh boy, when you say "No" all hell breaks loose!
You can put them on a behavior plan. They will either show you an ability to pick and choose their behavior or they will leave you. You will see an extinction burst. Ride it out and you'll win.
3:20 omg this so explains the effect my brother had on me. I’d been quite a sweet kid I guess you could say and then that’s the thing my brother really used to target and for a number of years I then became convinced it was a bad side of myself and am only starting to regain it in the last year thank god
So true , we cannot say ''NO'' anymore....with being classed a trouble maker.
I am a new subscriber; glad I found your channel. After escaping a serious LTR that was dangerous I swore to educate myself as much as I could on personality disorders to keep myself safe. But, I think I have more NPD's around me than I thought. Nothing close to me but I have to keep cautious. Thank you for your education.
I love Richard. He is amazing
The biggest strength I had was Knowing My Truth and calling them out. Whether it be a brother, sister, friend or boyfriend. God has always been my truth teller and my guides have been my angels. Many times I have spent some time Blinded ( believing in the false narrative) but sooner or later the Light shown through and the truth set me free.
It takes something to not walk around in the fear/frustration/resentment, especially in a shared spaces. Gray-rocking always felt weird to me, and I think realized it was because I was really just spending all my energy trying to avoid them… and thinking about how to avoid them, and if avoiding them would make them mad, etc - so they still somehow “won” my attention. Now I am trying to take that energy and actively turn it toward myself, with a focus on discovering, aligning, and walking in my Truths. I am trusting that I will have plenty of time to process all the chaos and pain once I’m in a safe space to do so, and a firmer faith in doing what is right for myself I imagine will probably go a long way with that.
Three years ago my Mom was killed by domestic assault, and it had taken me this long to see just how deep this pattern of codependency still runs, and the dangers of not truly interrupting it for good. I pray all the beautiful souls coming to the comment section of an abuse video for help realize that you already are and always have been perfect, whole, and complete. You are loved and you’ve got this!
For certain now they're gone! i am free!🥳🎉🎂cake for everyone! i was still half expecting them to be faking it again but i also felt it right away their oppressive energy instantly dissipate. Totally a consequence has to happen because they just behave too far and too insane for there not to be, there just has to. You may still feel a bit bad about it later but that just means you have real empathy and compassion. If you're a strong enough person it won't effect who you are in any way.
You have to make them realize you're completely dead serious or they absolutely won't get the message at all and still think they're safe, and then continue. It's not about trying to change them because they won't if they don't want to, it's just that making them deal with an actual big enough consequence that will create enough of a crack in their perception to completely scare them off because they don't want to question themselves.
They indeed have a crazy sense of perception that nothing is going to happen and that it possibly can't in any way like consequences aren't even a thing or a concept, they're so incredibly confident it won't to complete blindness. When it does they're so seriously surprised and shaken😂but i think it was much needed for them because god knows all of it also changed a lot of our perceptions.
You just described my father.
Thank you again, for your i insights.
Not alone in this abuse.
Brilliant video thanks ❤❤❤
I needed to hear this today, thankyou Richard ☮️
I've been questioning whether my ex was really suffering NPD but this video and your explanation of the process of the relationship and what it does to the partner of the NPD person just removed ALL doubt.
Thank you for the work that you are doing Richard. You are truly helping people. I appreciate you calling out us who go into these relationships too. We cannot heal and change if we don't admit our part in it all.
Yup - my mum’s behaviour is cruel, relentless & confusion. Hazing & she is so stupid. Like talking to an echoing cardboard box.
No Richard the news is not good .. unfortunately this is everywear ..
Normal world:Looking nice and presentable is good. Looking slobbish bad.
Narc crazy world: looking slobbish is good.
Looking nice is snobbish and bad
100% agree with everything you said. It ends up a strategic war. I went to the darkest places and if I I did not go through six years of being in a narcissistic abusive relationship and leaving it I would not have been changed forever so radically. He kept trying to come back and think I was going to fall back into the lies, cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, ghosting which was to put me back in my box and set his boundaries and expectations. I realised this was about me more than him and my boundaries, expectations and emotionality. I dived deep to pull it all apart and most of my expectations went back to my childhood and the consequence of having a narcissistic father as a male role model who was physically and emotionally abusive. Self centered and full of rage and self gratification. His mood swings controlled wether I was happy or sad, scared or safe. I was always seeking his approval to feel whole. Ironically I have had to move both him and my mother in due to their health and he has not changed and will not change. He soon found out I am not the scared child he controlled through his behaviours. And he will launch character assassinations, yell, rant and rave to try to intimidate and have his way. Though being aged he cannot use physical violence as a tool anymore. My mother still feeds the situation and stands by his side loyally making excuses and sacrificing her happiness for his. My brother has not see either of them for many many years. Still angry at his childhood treatment and both parents refusal to see wrong or change their toxic behaviours. Sad really especially for my mother.
I need this course!
30 years of emotional abuse and today I’m going to begin to have him be of zero significance in my life!
I’m so very grateful for your in depth knowledge of these “troubled souls”!
Hope to catch a live chat/teaching!
God bless us all!🙏
Short and sweet - entirely accurate 😁
Mercy and forgiveness is only for those who are sorry and change their behavior.
Thank you Richard Grannon! Only 2 months in and so damaged by The Narcissist. I came out before watching this video as I lost my husband recently and promised myself I would never give into someone who hurts me. Still, your video brings so much comfort. Thank you!
I appreciate you SO much Richard! Thank you!
Narcissist hate making your life miserable. When there's two or three people acting as you.
Did this, started to say No, completely cut this particular person from my life (family member) and four years later with no contact I'm feeling normal more than at any time of my life.. This person has been triangulating like crazy in an effort to 'get' to me. Utterly insane when you actually take a few steps back and out of their influence and you can see clearly exactly what was happening. Disturbing. I recommend this course from Richard , I honestly could not have done it without his help here, it's not easy but what he says is true, they can and DO become utterly inconsequential in your life.
This was helpful for me. I felt sick in my stomach during the last weeks of the relationship. I expressed how sad and hurtful some things were to me, but she consistently hurt me again and again. Bye loser!
If you haven’t already Richard, would you please do a video on the difference between narcissistic abusers and garden variety gender driven domestic violence/sexual assault.
When It's a Whole town tried for so long to break you down and take the most precious folk in your life, like your kids..
I going to This slow process. I'm not longer there, but Those memories wake me up at nigth. ❤❤
We are SAFE...
ChatGPT
Behind the mask of courage, bold and bright,
The covert narcissist dons armor, feigned and tight.
Called out for shadows cast by their own hand,
They stand defiant, yet tremble where they stand.
A brave facade, a warrior’s guise they wear,
With eyes that dart and voices cracked in air.
Eyelids flushed, their temper barely kept,
In truth, a frightened child beneath what's prepped.
They rally words, like soldiers to the fray,
But each retort, a desperate bid to sway.
The truth, a mirror shattering their might,
Reveals the cracks within their crafted light.
Their tough exterior, a fragile shell,
Inside, the chaos roars, a private hell.
Back pain bears down, the weight of lies they spin,
A heavy burden from the war within.
In silence, they scratch heads in deep despair,
Their flying monkeys summoned, none to care.
For once exposed, their kingdom starts to fall,
And brave fronts crumble, weakest of them all.
Love ur MIND. Wow
@markvicente7
A boundary is proof the scapegoat is trying to control the narcissist who is therefore justified in punishing the scapegoat.
Just enforcing the boundaries. They have no respect for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, now they want to my ibsesseive, then. Possessive, and then super controlling? Violating you at every chance they can get which is extremely wrong. The punishment isnt mines,it's theirs, and its not revenge, its not vengeance, its justice. They ruin my body and if it would've kept on going, I would've been dead with everything about me, destroyed. I never thought I would say it but just like those Vietnam vets, better them than me.
There are some things worse than death and they were trying to do that very same things to me. I was super stripped of my life and the world to the max. They're evil. I was saved. And if it will come at the cost of their life and limb then I don't want it. They need to change.
Anyone who has that emotional overlay, that enmeshment where I AM you and you ARE me but of course I AM the one in charge of us… is going to insist upon no boundaries because not controlling their supply makes them feel out of control themselves. Meanwhile, of course, you’re becoming a ghost who can’t interact with anything.
@@aurora9687 NO ONE SAYS NO TO JUNKIE FLOP LIZZYYYYY
Wow. Talk about being in between a rock and a hard place
Thank goodness my MIL moved four and half hours away from us all. Most insane narcissistic person. Since she’s been gone, it’s bliss…
Never let a narcissist know your game plan … surprise is the best form of attack
Miigwech (thank u) I luv this,as I'm a survivor,continuous,lol. I'm continually learning so I am greatful to people like u and my daughter who is truly a gift to my family and this world as she's helped me alot! to recognize n stop these nonsense parties as my son sez,lol,😊 but again, Thanx for sharing
Just learning for the first time to answer "no" is a piece of work
Another piece of work is discerning when you have and should give that answer...
And discerning people who for sure deserve your "no" is another big piece of work
And good luck for all on this pathway
🍀
They do have criminal minds, HOW CAN I STEEL FROM YOU AND BRUN YOU T A CRISP.
I said No finally to being routinely ordered out of the bed. Man did I cop it. I was then aggressively kicked out of the bed. After twenty years, I left the next morning. Saying No was impossible for me. The punishment was too upsetting
Thankyou Richard for your input into helping others .
00:40 criminal view of reality
Mr. Grannon, today is the day I moved out of the house. I only told him yesterday that I found a place (we spoke about separation many times before). Never had so many dramas in one day as yesterday. From trying to scare me off, guilt trip, make me sympathize with him, distract me with unnecessary things, etc. I will have to go back to pick up my stuff. But I'm already feeling so much more empowered.
I can't thank you enough for the encouragement. You have literally kept my sanity!
Great description about "splitting", exactly 9 months after our relationship began, I took a crazy unhealthy decision and left my beautiful little home to move in to his old unhealthy place! Now I know his wish was to have me under his control because it was his territory but I wouldn't have done this before for anyone! I began to accept many things like his scary raging behavior instead of just going away like I would have done before and I maladapted to his hidden wicked will😢. Now I'm far away and safe. Thanks again Richard🙏🏻⚘️
I couldnt have any female friends on Facebook, but it was ok for her to have lots of male ex work colleagues, contact her, and her ex partner would regularly phone her and call into her house for coffee, Valentines day she would put on display, cards and roses,she had off other admirers, i gave up in the end .finally walked away after 10 yrs. Two months now,no contact.😊
thankyou richard you get it cheers from down under
It is true.
Fuck that!
No is a full sentence lol
Grateful for you 👏
I come here for the sarcasm and laughs!
Yes I did break down into a clinical depression. After the 20 yr marriage to the narc and his narc family ended as he ran away with another supply I was still being abused by both narcissist families his and mine and trap set by them. Decades of narc abuse until 5 years ago I went no contact for life with the whole satanic pack. I love my life now and I love me again. I didn’t have just one I had a pack of narcissists attacking me! I was sick to death of their theatrics in front of other people it was a show of lies. I saw their mask come off the whole pack omg 😲 they’re so ugly you can see the demon inside them surface and it’s an ugly creature. Thank God I’m out.
They discard you and discard their own children too and focus on their new supply. I accepted it and moved on living my life and kept shinning and he doesn't exist. They always reap what they sow especially as they're getting older. I feel sorry for whoever he is with because that person has zero idea of who that monster is.
Across time, lifetimes, dimensions, universes, and multiverses 🙅🏾♀️
Leave them. Just leave.
The way that this guy talks about narcissism adds an almost spiritual component to it. Which I completely understand coming from a situation in which I had to contend with stuff like magic, demonic narcissist, witches, God and the devil and the nature of Good and Evil. Considering that I too had to make something of a sacrifice. I wasn’t sure what was going on a lot of the time, but looking back on it, it’s starting to make a little more sense now.
I gave very little response to one of my narcs today. Just simple “good morning” and a flat tone of what I was doing when she asked. Refused to engage in further conversation. One method she tried was complimenting my baby’s outfit. When she wasn’t getting compliments back or a “thank you” from me, she asked if I was ignoring her. I asked if she knew about gray rocking and then walked away 😆 *sigh* felt so good
7 months away and the spell is truly broke. He has at least 5 in his energy. I'm slowly putting my life back together. And yes I did say NO and been no contact since April.
My partner and I were in bed, and I said no to what it was he wanted, and his response was to question me as to why my no was apparently more important than his yes... obviously, I was unhealthy and allowed his yes more importance than my no!
You are correct sir
R, are we doomed to being with these same " style"of human? For lack of knowing how to deal with. ....nice.
My ex used to say that he hates being " forced " . . . Which I interpreted to mean , he hated observing boundaries .
A great video, great insight!
well said!
Taurus/ Scorpios it's BAD woth these people they HATE the word NO 😂
Thank you.
Thanks for you ❤
Upon my discovery of her satanic side, I made the HUGE mistake of drawing a hard line with what my boundaries were. Yeah, bad idea.
sacrificial lamb
This sounds like you are explaining the Trudeau Liberal government in Canada.
He hated my boundaries because that’s what seven-year-olds do
Funny, isn't it, that the most reliable way to get a woman out of your life is to say no, or stop. The reaction will either a tantrum, a sulk, or dumbfounded shock and disappointment. Only a tiny number either see that coming based on how I react to them behaving, and I don't need to say anything. As in one in a hundred or so.
When it's your supervisor at work there is no choice. You endure or live on the streets.
Or get a different job, or do gig work, or just work at the crappy job giving them half-ass effort while taking a course and training to get a better job. I'm not understanding why you think "you don't have a choice."
May be the better version!
Escape goat
Understand that a friendship with a narcissist can be beneficial if your not as outspoken or socially mischievous, it's like sending someone to do PR dirty work for you. Through them you learn how to match wits as everyone is trying to best them or they just step all over people who are always trying to best them. Just try not to make their unruly behavior about you and channel it to other people giving you problems.
A narc will only keep a friendship with you providing they have a use for u
The 1st 30 of this video almost resulted in you being SHOT... LOL they are ALL bloody nightmares... thanx RG
What if the person doesn't *present* as narcissistic? I'm talking about a friend who has this phony, goody-goody veneer in which she does caring things (sends cards, bakes things, etc) but whenever she leaves, I have this icky, dark feeling. She hasn't done anything terrible, but the feeling is still there. I thought I was mentoring her (she just graduated college), but I realized that she started putting herself on my level and almost posturing to be superior to me. I have since put up boundaries and will not have her in my home again, but I'm not sure if she is/was narcissistic or something else. Either way, I'm trusting my instincts.
Yeah she is that's how it starts usually it's just minor like that and they'll do "nice" things as part of the love bombing giving you intense attention to make you feel so special, liked, accepted, acknowledged. She hasn't done anything terrible yet but believe me it escalates fast give it 2 or 3 months or less and it'll start as soon as they feel they've completely gained your trust.
She already started though by being condescending and acting like she's superior to you so your instincts are correct and you nipped it in the bud at just the right time before it got worse. She'll do this to invoke a feeling you need to be competitive with her and then she would have kept making every little thing a "competitive" situation like you're something she needs to constantly compete against and attempt to drag you into it each time to cause arguments and drama.
It's one of the main things they do and they want to invoke feelings of hatred that fuels these petty competitive situations because they think this is the only way they can get attention from people, when they could've just asked questions if they're wondering about something but they wouldn't dream of it. Who knows if she even wanted to be mentored or anything for that matter everything is fiend and you wouldn't have gotten anywhere real with her, they just do these things to get into anywhere and into anyone's hearts to cause issues. The education system is a major influence for this sort of behavior too.
Where is the link for the live?
Richard Grannon. My son is married to a true covert narc. My son is now a reactive narcissist (my term). He has been taught to project her and now his false reality towards me. Unfortunately, I can not go no contact. Why? Because of my granddaughter. She is the pawn of the covert narc and now of my son. She is 6. I am in year 3 of healing. No to my empath self. No to them. I had an experience with a malignant narcissist. How I am able to see my son's wife mask. 100%. I need help. Please give me advice. How do I talk, discuss, with my 6 year old granddaughter? She says daddy takes Dana's side. There is so much, it's devastating. Everything is either my fault or my granddaughters. You, sir, use words and psychological terms I get. A deeper level of explanation I have yet to listen to. This is my granddaughter's life and future. I need help.
Remember we control ourselves, not others. For you this includes your granddaughter. She has her own life to live.
You don't discuss it with her. As you said she's 6. She won't understand and all she'll take from it is there is a divide in the family and she'll want to choose a side. She can't chose a side when she has to live with then for another 12 years or more. There isn't anything you can do other than be there for her. As she gets older if she comes to you then great, she has a support system in you. That's more than a lot of people get. She has to grow and learn the hard lessons that come with these type of people for herself. I'm speaking from experience. My nan was my support system too but she died the day before my 12th birthday. That killed me even more than anything at home did. Look after yourself first, and you can then be there for her.
@rebeccaj6772 I disagree 100%. She brings it up to me. I can't be a support system if I don't know the 6 year old words she can relate to. And let her deal with it on her own? That is awful. She's lost her confidence, independence, and kid like mindset. I'm not wanting her to choose a side. I want to soothe her, comfort her, make sure she knows it is not her, she is not bad, she is not stupid. And she doesnt do anything wrong. She doesn't even cry anymore. And announces it like it's a good thing. I am so sorry you lost your grandma. Buy please heal. A 6 yr old is defenseless. And for her to deal with it on her own is just as cruel, maybe more so, than the narcs.
@@njas10 she is 6.
@@trinablakely7762 Are they physically abusing her? If so then the only thing you can do is take them to court. If they aren't, what else can you do apart from be a support system? As much as you may want too, you can't protect her from the world especially her parents (obviously unless they are genuinely abusing her). I know you want too, and I can also tell you're very maternal which i respect but unless you live in that house, what's goes on isn't something you can control. She's going to be tough as nails from all this and when she's older she'll be wise enough to hopefully never end up in a relationship like that herself.