Combat Narcissism: How To Test For Narcissism And How To Fight Back
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- Опубліковано 4 чер 2024
- 0:00 - intro to combatting narcissism
0:55 - how to test for narcissism
2:55 - smiling no test for narcissism
4:56 - the mirror test (dangerous)
5:58 - observe the emotional intensity of narcissist
7:12 - synopsis of 4 step test strategy
8:39 - whats in room 101?
10:44 how to combat narcissist
12:01 dont EVER let them do this!
14:49 golden rule with narcissists
16:00 value system as a shield
17:29 the value congruence narcissism check - Розваги
The behavior that prompted me to start research was:
1. The unusual repetitive behavior patterns I've never seen from another adult
2. The shocking lack of empathy and sudden behavior shift after the love bombing stage
Oh my word. This is EXACTLY what happened to me.
LOL did we date the same person?
Me too
Same here.... I guess we all met the same person.
I didn’t know what I was dealing with and I did not understand why it was happening!
"If you don't insist on your values, then someone will come along and impose their anti-values on you "
I am memorizing that incredible quote
So true
So so true. I'm Christian and I had been wondering how hell is like... until I realised that my marriage is exactly how hell feels like. Hell it not literal fire, but is extreme anxiety, confusion, frustration, disappointment, betrayal, regret, rumination and the like.
Narcissism = wickedness. Psalms 58:3 The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies.
Isaiah 5:20 Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
Isa 5:21 Woe unto them that are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight!
Isa 5:22 Woe unto them that are mighty to drink wine, and men of strength to mingle strong drink:
Isa 5:23 Which justify the wicked for reward, and take away the righteousness of the righteous from him!
Pro 6:12 A naughty person, a wicked man, walketh with a froward mouth.
Proverbs 6:13 He winketh with his eyes, he speaketh with his feet, he teacheth with his fingers;
Pro 6:14 Frowardness is in his heart, he deviseth mischief continually; he soweth discord.
Pro 6:15 Therefore shall his calamity come suddenly; suddenly shall he be broken without remedy.
Pro 6:16 These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
Pro 6:17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,
Pro 6:18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,
Pro 6:19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.
John 8:44 Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.
YES! My ex didn't manage to instill his awful values in me, but I felt trapped in having to live with his behaviors. This caused me to experience cognitive dissonance...I felt like my whole life was a lie.
Ace! So true!
In my experience, the first clue is if you sense you're being intentionally triggered. Its the first thing a narcissist does, push your buttons to identify your weaknesses and vulnerabilities to exploit, then the hell begins, a constant game of push you away and pull you back in. There's no fixing it, RUN! and don't look back.
Mine was the lack of empathy
Once the mind games began, I noticed that was normal for her but hell for me. The push and pull, yes and no, hot and cold. I realized it wasn't gonna change because she accepted the chaos as normal. I knew I couldn't fix her so I pulled away more and more...now I'm a lousy son of bitch by her and her family. I should be happy, but I miss certain things about her.
Using some vulnerable secret or fear you have and then they use it against you. Run like h ell.
I have an old saying… I’d rather have the cold truth, then a warm lie.
Thank you for pointing out the obvious, I’ve been in denial for way too long.
I am disabled, and this narcissistic person loves to use it against me, but I am getting my power back. I’m bringing my health back and I’m getting back into the world, with a fun fulfilling new job,
A lie only has power when you believe it. Good for you for taking back your power! 💯👏
They love to target disabled people. Cowards that they are.
How you coping
Telling them no, or just doing what YOU want are the best test, hands down. They will react - be in name calling, gaslighting, yelling, or silent treatment.
Yes the one I was with went mental because I went to the pub.
True!! Happens every time.
My MIL hates i say no to her her deny her anything. She gets vindictive.
Nina don’t forget. They will also smear you behind your back. My NPD brother is smearing me behind my back to my oldest brother (antisocial personality disorder/psychopathy) and has turned him against me. In a way it’s a blessing but you are right. They only know to react. They don’t know how to walk away and leave something alone. They’re toxic and empty emotionally.
I put that shyte on everything 💯.
I actually came here to see if I was the narcissistic one in my relationship. I am in tears right now, realizing I was made to think I was as a means of control. Being unable to make decisions for myself, living like a zombie, compromising my personal ideals... it's like you could see in my head. Thank you for shattering the illusion.
A narcissist would never look up material about narcissism and try to find out if they are one 😐 it seems that they never scrutinise themselves. You have just being gaslighted. Stay strong and recognise their BS🙏🏼❤
My mom was like that years ago... I got out, but my younger brother stayed near her influence until she died in 2014... he's an alcoholic now. Get some therapy. Those tears you shed is pain, and therapy will help. I did 4 years of it, and it really, really helps.
I am in same situation...so awful. Hopefully we both find the courage to leave and be done
Same Steph, i now feel very elated indeed
Oh they will make you think that you are the problem and the narcissist. You’re not. You’re the empath that they were able to suck the life out of. I hope things have been getting better for you!
When you see the red flags, plan quietly and run! Never tell them you are leaving-they are DANGEROUS.
I did.
@@janwinqvist7419 , proud of you!
Are they really?
@@jackie7796 are they dangerous?
many are, yes
If not all, to some degree of risk.
some of them are very very dangerous
some of them will set out to destroy your life at the mere suggestion that you would want to leave or do not want to be with them
Some of them will go to extreme measures of all kinds (financial, lies/smear campaigns, or violence) rather than "be discarded" by you - which is how they will see it if you want to steer clear of them (although not consciously aware of any of that, they'll just react), because they habitually discard people without a thought, as if they are useless objects
The smart ones who have found success in life and/or are good looking and/or have gained some power in the world tend to be more dangerous. They may hide it well but will feel enraged by your desire to leave rather than them getting away with using you as long as they want and discarding you when they feel like it. And they will *punish* you, with a tenacity and contempt that is appalling. And they will find any extra and new way to abuse and hurt you that they can, and/or *undermine your actual ability to leave* if they can.
The dumber ones who may have less power of various kinds can still make real trouble for you- nothing insults them like being confronted with the fact that you are not impressed and do not want to be there.
And they too will find any extra and new way to abuse and hurt you that they can, and/or *undermine your actual ability to leave* if they can.
@@jackie7796 why do you think it’s such a trope for women to file false legal accusations against men, get violent, etc. if they try to leave,
and correspondingly for men to beat or stalk women, lock them in abusive legal messes, etc?
"...Let your hope die..." ......ugh. This is the hardest part for me.
I feel you. My brother inlaw I thought working for his company would be great. Then i saw the monster he was and took me 3 years to figure it out. I thought I could change him so he would see that his actions were bad. Coming to term that he knew exactly what he was and enjoyed others suffering hurt my soul. But also he was so good with his mask that my other family members would believe what ever he would make up….😞I had to except to move forward.
With one of my daughters this was the hardest part, when I said no there was a price to pay. The whole thing put me on the cardiac floor at the hospital, the Drs. told me to cut contract for 3-4 months.
Four years of therapy later, I am getting better at leaving it all in God's hands.
I was trying to be the best Christian I could (insert your faith), so I just kept forgiving for years, until it made me ill.
My blood pressure is awesome now, and I have more peace.
❤️🙏✝️
The best thing about leaving a narcissist is the relief....the relief alone can stop you from re-initiating contact
Omg, yes. You feel a weight lifting off your shoulders!
Absolutely correct
I am 5 months nc with my monster former brother. The brain damage and ruined family relationships continue and healing is not easy. Nc is only step 1. The damage is severe and very hard to overcome.
Lucky you, no relief here whatsoever and it will be almost a year now. Why didn't they teach this in elementary school, i feel so angry right now.
@@djordjemiljenovic9387 i am right there with you. This information will never be taught in schools nor to professional counselors. The reason is we are living in a narc infested world.
Staying away from people that makes you feel unconfortable.
Whenever you don't feel good it means there is toxicity entering into you.
yes, the body knows. listen to your intuition.
In my experience even this can deceive you...
Toxicity and NPD are not necessarily one and the same.. everyone is toxic, not everyone ignores that fact
Sometimes there is negative to anyone. You need to be carefull to determain if it's toxicity, or you just being irritated towards a person
@@DarkMadamX83everyone is not toxic. Some people are lovely. If you find everyone toxic thats pretty weird and objectively impossible.
I ended up here because she accused me of being a narcissist. I’ve heard people talk about it but I didn’t really know what it was exactly. So I looked it up, realized she was projecting, and here I am.
That’s good. You can forego any further videos.
I am and my 2 kids are narcissistic abuse survivors 🎉 we made it out safely 🙏
I wish there was more education about this in the general public. I hear too often about women who choose to have children with these beasts and end up in advertently, exposing their children to life altering experiences.
There needs to be more education about these monsters, being safe from them should not be a privilege but a right. They cause so much harm and don't care for the consequences for other people that they have to go through just to get away from them. My family is safe now too, but my mother put me through hell and tried to destroy everything and everyone I have ever loved. And my children were not safe from her, along with myself especially as I was a direct target.
I am so happy for you. Unfortunately you are tied to the narcissist so be very careful they do not use the children to get back at you. I am estranged from my children because of the narc. Never underestimate them.
These Narcs ruin people’s lives. There are no laws in my state that protect you from these abusers. Currently I’ve filed for divorce and my attorney sees a serious threat and has filed for a protection order, which the judge denied, because he sees no imminent threat.
So did me and my two sons
“No one did this for me, I did this for me” Richard grannon.
Like I said, We are SPARTANS....
HANG IN THERE😙😙😙😙
Thank you Sire,
Again, you are an inspiration to us....
FUCKING SPARTANS!!!!!!💪💪💪💪
@Jim McIntosh
We will DO THIS!!!!!!
Can i ask if anyone has had an invitation via Richard through whatsapp?
I have.. and I'm unfortunately sceptical ..😆🙄
I don't even have this app ..
Just curious..? Anyone ever???
@@lillahbohamah5975 I would, however, I believe the closest you will get is this complementary webinar, or subscribe to his program. Believe me, I would have asked myself. BE STRONG SPARTAN🙌🙏🙌🙏
This was so intensely and brutally honest. And those of us in an abusive relationship really need the hard truth. Thank you.
You are great and sooo helpful.thanks
Yes we do.
Junk values, that is a great expression. Recently realized that a boundary I set with my fiance (now ex) which she decided to cross all the time; the boundary was based on a great value - respect. She inserted her junk values into her reasoning for crossing the boundary (flirting with men in front of my eyes) and said that is acceptable behavior because she is attractive and I should be grateful. So glad to see this video and learn about junk values, because that explanation of hers is total junk.
Junk values of my ex believes it's only cheating when you're married. If you're dating, she feels cheating only happens when penis inserts into the vagina. All other sex acts are considered genuine consensual acts between " friends " and shouldnt create feelings of betrayal. She is Insane.
Wow. That happens one time and you have to pack your bags. Thank goodness you’re out.
❤brilliant.
I was raised by a narcissistic father. He's 82, and he has never changed. He admitted in 2022, after I addressed him about his abuse, and he admitted he would never change. In 2017, I entered into a relationship with a man that I didn't recognize as having NPD until I watched this video. On June 14th, 2023, he stated to me, "I thought about asking me to marry him, but". When he said but, I said, "No." But when I said "no," nothing else was said. The next morning, he told me he didn't love me anymore and asked me to move out. He refused to speak to me and wanted nothing else to do with me. After watching this video, I can now look back and see what he was doing to me. I'm trying to move forward and search for ways to overcome his abuse. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. It has been helpful, and I will continue to seek self-help therapy to become a stronger person.
Testing you~testing the waters
You "rejected" his "glorious" offer....
Good for you 🙌
@@mactine2k7Thank you for replying. I still feel such deep hurt
Just did my core value test. I now see why I can attract narcs but why they can’t stand me. My top five are authenticity, forgiveness, trust, courage and compassion. Yes I can be forgiving and compassionate but my authenticity and courage always protect me by irritating those who fail to control me. 😊😊😊😊😊 I’ll keep being myself. It’s so good!
@@FancyForestPerson - that was so interesting! So glad you got through the hurt... to understand those people were in your life for the wrong reasons. Yaaay you! 💪👍
Fancy Forest, people who have suffered interior trauma from narc abuse may retreat back into their shell, yes. Because this is a part of their way to heal. They know solo best, it's not about you. They can feel overwhelmed ...when they are ready they will reach out to others again. Just be supportive and help them heal.
Same values 💜 keep being you 😊
Comrade Richard says
Tell the truth. Despair. Grieve. Leave.
Must have boundaries.
Mandi Terrell,You look gorgeous 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
I'm in the process of moving out and he was supposed to be out of state with his grown children but he came back after a week and a half, like I knew he would. I have not had to face him yet as he stayed in his man cave in the garage but I know when I get home from work he will probably try to talk. I have already done everything you just talked about and bought myself a house in a different town that he doesn't know where it is. His new supply already found out he is a lying cheating narcissist I'm leaving after 20 years so I know he's going to try and change my mind and hoover at some point through my packing up and moving. Whats helping me is that my grown son is with me right now and that keeps the narc at bay. Pray for my strength y'all! I got this!
I am not sure of your name sir, but this is the most important information on Narcissism I have ever experienced. You delivered the information in the most professional manner; never mind whether or not a credentialed clinical psychologist. Sigmund Freud was a credentialed clinical psychologist who believed and taught we are all a product of what has happened to us in our lives, however, Carl G. Jung believed and taught that we instead can become what we choose to become. Freud was a "Mature Soul" whereas Jung was an "Old Soul." The excellence in what you have put together here is a "gift to humanity," and you will never be forgotten for it...
B.T.W. I was married to one of these creatures for over 3 decades, and raised 4 children from birth to adulthood before I "figured it out."
Thank you from my heart to your's...❤️
One of the best videos on narcissists I’ve ever heard in plain, simple words. Excellent. I couldn’t help think that we are dealing with this on a macro scale… literally half the world is operating this way and gaslighting us on a massive scale on too many things to name. wonder if anyone esle feels the same
I do feel the same! Once I woke up to how horrible my family is …. I now see Narcissism everywhere. I’m practically hibernating 😢
I do!
Absolutely I think the media gaslight us constantly!
I do!
The struggle of good vs. Evil.
“Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who put darkness for light, and light for darkness; Who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!”
Isaiah 5:20
Amen
Amen
If you cherry pick, that book has good parts. If you believe it all you are worshipping the biggest narc ever. Just saying
@@FancyForestPerson yes
Glory to the Lamb of God!
Truth!
Amen
How many women have told their husband no and was given the silent treatment for it? That's the first "no" that needs to be tested long before you wear the ring. Long before.
Yeah husband asks if it is OK to go do a thing with his mates and wife says no. Yet he is the bad guy
@@lupaswolfshead9971 Like what?
And don’t become intimate with anyone until you’ve run tests. Do not do it. And for the love of God do not bring a child into this & then later claim, “But I didn’t know! They deceived me!” You did not do your due diligence.
i left the "dead soul" with NPD 5 years ago. I used it as a stepping stone to set tough boundaries. To be consistent with own values, this scheme can be applied to anyone even without disorders.
Yeah! And when you do that - I smell women and potentially ppl of that kind by now. I used to be a magnet for pretty and evil or hurt women acting tough. I never set the right boundaries that’s so important …
I normally balk at all these self promoting life coaches stating the obvious and hustling for ratings and fame. But Richard has blown my mind. His analysis is so on the mark, and can only have come from survival of his own brutal experiences. I am blown away by his intelligence and generosity to want to share and empower.. Probably the most articulate piercing lucid profiling and tutorial on the hell that is living under the tyranny of a narcissist. I truly love his soul.
💯Agreed. I've learned so much!
For sure. Grannon is the real deal, and he's a warrior for the cause. I trust his insights. Every video I have seen and each of his presentations have been so spot on. I feel extremely lucky to have this information now. I'm very grateful for his presence online and his work.
What is working for me right now is I moved on as though this person is dead in my life. How would I live if this person was dead for real is what I will do now moving forward
I agree. I don’t talk about my experience to many people, they glaze over in misunderstanding. Oh he’s so lovely, entertaining, kind…. Blah blah. Richards info is spot on & could only come with lived experience. I’m very grateful 🙏💗
Compassion
I was married to a "narc" for 30 years. As an empathic individual, over time I found myself victimized and believing I was insane. However, three years ago I began a journey of empowerment and self-worth and began to say "NO". I stopped feeding my husbands ego and need to be right. I would not allow him to twist his words around in an attempt to blame me. I began to take back my power...and that infuriated him. I did not absorb his emotional outbursts nor did I continue to look the other way when, for example, I knew he was lying about having an affair. I was ready to leave and felt confident in my decision...and then we both got COVID and he eventually died from complications due to pneumonia that developed. I was stunned and most certainly heartbroken over this loss...at the same time, for the first time in a long time, I felt free from the misery he instilled on me with his narcissistic ways. I feel guilty for feeling this way, indeed...and also fearful that I might once again be subject to narcissism to the point that I am pushing anyone and everyone away who expresses an interest in me. Your video really inspired me and gave me hope on how to recognize and combat the narcissistic personality by simply listing my values and sticking to them. Staying true to myself and using the "checks and balances" of my values to help gauge my surroundings, feelings, and integrity is indeed a helpful tool. Thank you for your video. It truly inspired me.
I'm so glad your free now☺️
I am sorry for the loss of your husband and marriage. And the grief of lost time. I am happy you are free to be you. XXOO
you are an inspiration
Please do not feel guilty for these thoughts or feelings. I understand completely!! You can mourn your loss of course, but also are allowed to feel relief that the abuse you endured has finally ended for good! (You probably would not feel that if he just left/broke up). Feel peace & joy knowing it will never return. 🙏 Find solace in knowing his own internal misery is over as well. Your feelings are valid & justified💖 Please take all the time u need to heal, then go love YOUR new life 🙌
The grief is profound when the narc is your adult child. 30+ years of attempting to make myself into the mother I thought she deserved. I’m 72yo and have decided to go no contact. The emotions are so complicated. Painfully sad and liberating at the same time. Thank you once again Richard. I have your book and am part of the Unleash group. ♥️
I know that one.
Oh my goodness! I’ve been searching about this personality disorder for months now and have never found a parent that is dealing w/a child that is a narc. And am so happy I came across your post! I, too, have a child, my son, that is a narc. And I am stuck living w/him this year because my ex, his father, died last year and my family insisted I needed to help him. Now i am living a nightmare? I have had 2 black eyes in the last year because he is abusive, but never was physically before!? Everyday is a struggle to survive and the guilt I feel about leaving him is as painful? I’ve decided I have to leave to survive but don’t know how to take the 1st step? I have 2 other children I don’t even see because of him. My other son begs me to leave but offers me no help i think he is scared of him, too? How do you do it? Do you get outside help w/your feelings of staying no contact? I am desperate and don’t know where to start w/this process and feel bad because he loved his Dad and he is grieving. I have this thought, if I as his mother doesn’t help him who will? Isn’t it my responsibility to support him? Thanks for posting!
If you are 65 or older contact elder abuse hotline in your area immediately. They can help. You are being abused and need assistance to stop it now. I know I’ve been there.
Thank you Mary C., however, I am only 55yrs old? I did have a talk w/my mom and she is turning 80, but a young 80, she lost the only man she ever loved last year, my father. So, she invited me to come and stay w/her until I can get settled! This has made such a difference in my stress & anxiety because I hate to ask & be a burden on people because I am very independent. Bottom line I don’t have to put up w/this behavior for much longer!? That you for your thoughtful reply!
@@jmc5115 If you’re disabled or are an at risk adult, they will help you. I have called them before and they helped me.
My daughter is the master of the silent treatment. She’s 28.
Her oldest sister died when she was only 4 (her sister was 6). After that I stopped saying “no” & I became the sweetest kindest mother I could possibly be. At the time I thought I was being a better mother. I unintentionally raised a narcissist.
obviously there is no father figure and you can not be her father.
Sorry for your loss, thats so sad .
i can just imagine what you went trough.
@@silviosarunic3234 There was a very abusive father, my ex. I had to see through the lies of the religious cult I was raised in so that I could leave both that church & eventually the ex. I had such a fear of going to hell if I divorced, which meant never seeing my daughter who had passed away, in the “next life”. Divorce is considered a big sin in that church. I was eventually able to get there, but it took too long for me to leave the church & then even longer to leave him, because I was 5 mo pregnant with my last child when I left the cult.
I eventually took my 4 children, & started my life over. I went through 5 years of being stalked & was very lucky he didn’t kill me. When I left him, my oldest living child was almost 13, & the youngest was 21 months old. Too much damage had happened to myself & my older daughters by that time I believe, even with therapy (we did have therapy). Some things that happen in life are like traps because we don’t know better. That’s how it was for me. I was barely 18 when I married & I had been programmed by the church to marry young from when I was a child. I thought I was doing what God wanted based off everything I was taught. The ex was 26 & the marriage should never have happened. He constantly put me down so my children grow up seeing me be put down constantly & he was the powerful one. My oldest talks to me like I’m stupid, the same thing her “dad” did all those years. He was physically, financially, mentally & emotionally & sexually abusive as well.
We are lucky that he remarried & moved away; he hasn’t been here since mid-2016 & my youngest is now 17.
@@silviosarunic3234 I'm a whiteness to father's are no good for the children sometimes, the Biological Father told my daughter he would k!££ all of them and he's heavily mentally abusing all my children and myself, and the beginning of January was Guπ towards her again, I reported to him police department, overall I need to divorce him, I'm a mother typing this I just realized this is my son account, I'm making my way to a exit strategy for my children and I, it's so unhealthy living around a man that fakes and pretends because he's living some double triple lifestyle, they on drugs and a very big possibility of sleeping with the same s3x, drinking heavy, that's why they heavily manipulated us to hide that second life 3rd lifestyle they living they some sick people
@@Ms.Stephanie.C Was it the Jehovahs Witness cult you were in? I was born and raised in it until I turned 18 and moved across the country in order to get away from it. Looking back now, the whole concept of that religion was and is still based on narcisissm. You are allowed to talk to unbelievers when you go door to door to preach and spread the good news, but you are not allowed to interact with nonbelievers or have friends that aren't in the "Truth". There were good people in the congregation that truly believed in it and were brainwashed, but there are so many people in that religion that are just narcissists. Especially the 144,000 chosen ones by god that truly believe that they are so special that they and only they get to go to heaven to live with god while everyone else has to live on earth. It's crazy. Whether you were in that religion/cult, it's great you were able to get out of it.
@@evanhowell3676 Thanks for commenting & sharing. I was born into the Mormon (LDS) cult, & it’s very similar to The Jehovah’s Witness. I lived across the road from a JW family growing up. I’m somewhat familiar; I also had a friend who left the JW & joined the Mormon “church”. She told me a lot about it. I’m glad you got out of that one too. I agree about the Narcissism, it’s very prevalent in cults. It’s a damaging culture to grow up in.
I’m so very grateful for this mans wisdom. To think of the pain he has had to endure to gather this information is heartbreaking but it’s miraculous how many he has helpedheal because of that pain. Thank you!!
Thank you so much for your thorough follow up and work. Your message and teaching is amazingly helpful , practical , hard core realistic and simple to follow. Much thanks again Richard.💚
Hang in there Miss...
We are a community.
We have each other's back😙😙😙😙
I was just feeling my gratitude here too. 4 years ago I pulled myself out of an 11yr mess by what I learned from Richard. Sometimes I come back to listen to his new videos to remind myself how far I have come. 🙏
Me too.
It's been some time for me as well, from EVERY angle.
It sucks, however, we are going to get through this. Hang in there sweetheart, remember, WE ARE STRONG, WE ARE A COMMUNITY, WE ARE SPARTANS!!!!!!💪💪💪💪😍😘😍😘😎😎😎😎
@@marahmoonflower7926 Marah, I know it hurts.
This is growing pains, an adjustment so to speak. We are ALL adjusting. Be thankful we got the boss in our corner.
We have all been brought together for a reason. You are beautiful, important, significant, and these attributes cannot nor will NOT be taken away from you darlin, step forward, WE ARE SPARTANS!!!!!!! AND WE ROCK😍😍😍😍
Wow, this describes my life completely. After 45 years of marriage, I finally started to question my husband’s behaviour a couple of years ago. The same pattern was with his father who treated his wife with emotionally, financially and physically abuse. Narcissistic was not a word 30/40 yrs ago. I have done the TEST many times after my husband would have a angry tantrum or sulk if I dared to question his behaviour. If ever I need something, I would have to either “ WAIT- FIGHT FOR IT - OR HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF! “ Even no contact is painful because he walks around with a smirk on his face and if I try to approach him after days and days of silence, he just oks at me with an evil look in his eyes. I was brought up on morals and values, I know now, that what my parents taught me, does not exist in a Narcissist. Watching your videos and reading comments brings it home that these people have no empathy at all. Other family members see a happy, funny, helpful person, no one ever sees what see…. So frustrating- I am a survivor like my MIL, god her…..Life is too short to live in these conditions anymore, at 64, I just want to live MY LIFE NOW, not his.
Me too ..37 years with mine😪😪
37 years here..hard road! Looking for the exit!
That is so true. I feel like I waisted my life and energy on that marriage for 25 years 😢 I was surprised how many women are going through the same. I wish you all the best and that you can finally be yourself again and enjoy life.
Yeah it's not fun living around and can do so much damage.
28 years here....
At 12:23 "They function like artificial intelligence. They function like machines. They all do the same thing." Precisely and excellently said. They remind me of Terminator robots with zero emotion or empathy. The discovery of realising someone who you thought you knew was and is in fact a narcissist is a very disturbing realisation. They wear so many masks that you never know which one to expect on any given day. The blowing hot and cold behaviour and gaslighting was personally the worst for me because I never knew where I stood or what to expect. Thanks Richard for your videos. Very helpful and insightful content 🙏 best wishes from Ireland ☘️
Yes. "It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead."
Follow John Lamb Lash to understand WHY these creatures are actually Non Human.....AI is already here looking like Humans and walking amongst us.....and have been since 1790 when the 1st Induastrial Revolution took place......that is why some are Resis Negative Blood Type( No monkey DNA!!!)as is my Narsistist Husband soon to be Ex Husband
In my opinion, all narcissists are victims of demonic possession. The demon has hijacked the person's "authentic self", and replaced it with the "false self" aka the demon. Fir all narcs it is the same demon, thus the same machine-like functions.
I am here listening because I have seen my spouse literally put effort into becoming a blossoming narcissist. Teaching himself to feel nothing in regard to the constant pain that he intentionally puts & leaves me in. He has been so devastatingly horrible that he can never make up to me all of the horrors that he has inflicted.
I know you're probably fed up with narcissists Richard, but thank you for all the resources. They helped me put my life back together when I crept out of a 20 year marriage, barely alive.
Hey Cor B! I know the feeling -- I left a similar marriage after 26 years. Only after I was gone was I able to better see just how badly I had let her abuse me. It took a while to rebuild my life and my self image but I eventually met a wonderful woman (who had been mistreated by her first spouse as well) and we have both been stunningly happy with each other for over twenty years now. Stay strong, stay optimistic! Your best years are in front of you now!
Ditto Cor B I decided to stay on my own now because I never want to go through this again ! I hope you find happiness and love x
Ditto. 37 years.
Well said.
I’m sorry you all went through such sadness and hardships but I think you for sharing because it helps people like me to not feel like such a failure and stupid. I’m not the only one and your voice and sharing saves others
I left my narc boyfriend and father of my children 6 weeks ago. Hands down the most horrible, depressing, messiest and confusing time of my life . I know he is a narcissist and I’ve known for a while but the thoughts always arise of if i did the right thing to leave. This video is so validating. Thank you Richard. You once again reminded me that I did the right thing to RUN! And never look back.
Ugh...I am in the same situation...but unfortunately have no means to leave! He makes all the money...good money! And I'm so torn between leaving the life that I love or thought I did...i just cannot wind up in a womens shelter with my daughter! ( if that makes sense?)
I have 5 daughters with a narc. So how do I do this.. Take the father out of there life. The youngest are 2 years old twins they love him.
@marce G are you safe? If you are safe and you can’t get away right now, look into grey rocking. Its where you put up emotional armour they can’t get through. It’s difficult to do but sometimes you have no choice. I managed it for a decade until my kids were older.
get out and stay out get your life back feeling so sorry you had to put up with that for so long wish you all the very best please keep strong and and don't look back you deserve to be happy start doing what you want for the rest of your life love
Keep an eye on you're children, now they will be the victims.
So many good 'quotes to self' I'm gettin from this video! Txs so much for your authenticity, sensitivity and enthusiasm on exposing narcissism. THANK YOU!🙏❤
I started looking up her negative behavior. And found it to be narcissistic behavior. I never realized how abusive and neglectful someone could be. When you're nice to them, they still abuse you.
If thinking about the response strategies makes your heart race, you already have a test result.
Yeah buddy that means you already know what you're dealing with because you've already done it. It's nice to have insight and advice but sometimes experience and intuition tells you what you need to know.
That says you're dealing with a narcissist.
Well said, past occurrences were running through my mind as he explained the test.
OMG!
I found out by Googling the question why won't my husband ever say sorry. When I started reading I felt like I couldn't breathe like someone had punched me in the gut. It was the most bizarre thing ever to see phrases and things like walking on eggshells and gaslighting and word salad and things that all made sense to me. It definitely has empowered me and also watching videos such as yours and others. It truly does seem as if we have some dark people roaming. God bless and keep you!
They never say sorry x
Instead of a sorry you usually get blamed even though you haven't done anything
@@meganbrain6634 isn't it the truth oh, they will even blame you for things that they have done. They can run into a parked car and still somehow it will be your fault. I have seen it over and over again, they're very blame-shifting and ruthless. And somehow they can sleep anywhere, anytime, there's a lack of conscience so they can sleep like the dead.
@@karinajones1121 exactly, accepting blame to them is like death, they're fragile egos can't take responsibility for their own mistakes. It's an exhausting game oh, and we need to leave them!
"We have some dark people roaming." WELL SAID!👍
Watching again. I left him 4 days ago. The HOOVERING is real. Ironically in my room 101 is my deep empathy for him, my understanding of how he is the architect of his own demise and where it stems from. I also fear the hoovering, knowing that I'm all he has in the world.
We could be SO good together, but the gaslighting, rage fits, all te rest became too much. I left him before, end of August last year and he changed so much for the better, or so it seemed... I doubted if he was really a Narcisist and has since learned about the different types. For 3 months it went very well with "only" one or two incidents. The total relapse from early Dec. I tried to keep my boundaries in place and detached emotionally. I certainly had to put the brakes on the finances, although he expected less this time round. He even did things for me he would not before.
The red flag I chose to ignore when slowly getting back with him was his minimising of the issues as I brought it up.
Now he tells me he loves me and seems truly defeated. Probably an act to lure me right back in? Who knows...
Minimising = not taking accountability
That's my Room 101 too. I see the person HE COULD'VE BEEN and I see what happened to cause it. I remember the times when masks were off and we just had fun together. That's what's causing me so much pain
@@hellothere98765 thank you. I really appreciate you reaching out. 8 months later and I'm still involved in his life. However, I'm stronger, more empowered and ready to walk away for good at the drop of a dime. I've come to realise that it is anxiety around abandoning another that has kept me stuck, and because he has literally got no one else in his life. It is hard but I'm getting there, slowly but certainly. It's going to happen soon. Thank you for the significant wishes to me. Liberation is the key.
Yes
I guess Intamacy and sex was off them menu as well????
Thank you for these videos. I left my husband after 30 years..ive never known such peace..
I lived with a covert vulnerable narcissist for 27 years. I have only just realised he is a narcissist. I kept all his emails, divorce papers, texts etc . I found them and started reading them again. OMG I get it now! Richard your work is priceless! Thank you soooo soooo much. If I said no to my vulnerable narc or disagreed with him he would laugh at me, ridicule me and tell me I was mentally deranged and beyond hope. He never showed any overt anger.
My heart goes out to you Veronica. My sister in law is in one too and has me fooled for 30 years despite warnings I felt sorry for her then she turned on me with such hatred it almost took me to suicide. She manipulated my entire family to the point I then apologised which has only intensified the smear campaign. No contact with entire family for two years
This laughing is worse than the literal rage that some do. At the end I saw it was a mocking trying to set me off thing and it worked sometimes. This is called REACTIVE ABUSE,. The ultimate gaslighting blame shift.. next thing you know, the issue becomes your reaction instead of what they were not taking responsibility for in the first place!
@@Adam-xs3ng It's all about control (after their mask comes off) to narcissist types, I've come to learn. Your advances in life were too much of a threat to her
@@AZDC99 - Yes, they are so good & practiced at so many forms of abuse. They (Narcs) make me sick & at times, I still get angry with myself for not seeing what he was & what was going on. We both worked 6+ days per week (self-employed) and until I stopped - I never had time to research & start learning about Narcassism. Once you do start to learn, it's like seeing something you wish you hadn't - you can't unsee it. I am working on my Exit Plan & will finally be free in 1 yr. Can't wait to reclaim myself. Hugs & strength to all who are here.
@@Adam-xs3ng - re: your control comment - yes, totally about control. Also, I find that they are very defensive, as in ridiculously defensive. They never truly loved us, they just want our qualities, those they admire yet lack in themselves. Eventually, they end up despising us because they can't ever have, develop or emulate those same qualities.
Such sick people & I can't wait to be free.
With regard to saying "no", my personal experience has been with an extremely passive-aggressive Narcissist. She was actually my foster daughter, age 17 and was ticking all of the boxes. It was so difficult to see at first as she actually appears humble, quiet and fragile and is never visibly disagreeable. What I would find later was that the "no" resulted in passive-aggressive revenge: hurting my dog, letting the dog's lead go in the middle of heavy traffic, breaking my laptop screen and countless phone screens and eventually, she actually wiped her bum on my facecloth and urinated on my toothbrush. Her revenge was served cold as she would give no indication of being upset about the "no" - but then bide her time for revenge. Because of this it was extremely confusing and took a long time to identify. When I finally ended the placement (after she did this to me over and over again) she made false allegations and even though she has a documented history of making false allegations, professionals believed her and painted me as the evil foster parent who had no understanding that these young people come with issues. It felt so unfair but unfortunately it's pretty typical - you get a second punch in the gut later when they trash talk you to everyone who will listen. Either way, I have my life and my sanity back, my home is filled with peace and my dog is happy.
Wow! Wiped her bum on your facecloth!!!!That's a form of assault!
Wow.never would of thought to look for those types of revenge.
What a NIGHTMARE and SO GLAD you are free of THAT..."No good deed goes unpunished...On steroids...Yikes.
Well, everyone who believes the trash talk will be getting a demo of it themselves
This sounds like my mother and I don't have any of those traits for the actual voiceless of this act are always the best one to do better is the only revenge
Until around five years ago, I had no idea how I’ve been in these kinds of situations my whole life.
By many different people, and many different intensities.
Everything in my life had to crash to see how I’d been exposed to, and how I had aided in their awful treatment.
Standing for your core truth really is the only way for me to break the chain.
I still battle some family members, because of the long repeated cycle.
I have boundaries with them, and NO is the most effective deterrent.💯
I am learning that I can win… silence and protecting myself (leaving) is the best award I could ever be given.
Do not let the narcissist lead!!! I'm getting this tattooed on my forearm!! Thank you Richard!
COOL AND FUNNY
THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER!!
He doesn’t deserve that property on your arm. It is a great quote and strategy to always remember.
It would be great as a print on a shirt - 😊👍
ive accepted that none of them will change ... mourned the loss of the dream and am mostly no contact with narc fam/ no contact w exes
Firstly I want to thank you for your videos. I have been on the receiving end of an abusive narcissist who was my business partner for 12 years. Your videos have helped me realise the fear I had about the consequences of breaking away and that after I did actually break, the sense of relief, freedom and return to reality which I am just starting to enjoy again. After being bullied and abused for so long, my confidence and self esteem had just about disappeared so I’m going to take every step and make every effort to be happy, move on and do what I want.
The nightmare I don't want to face is looking back at myself years down the road and saying I should have just left. I could have been so happy. I could have actually done the things I wanted to do.
This is such a powerful and simplified way of keeping hold of what's left of "you" and beginning to refocus and regenerate your energy despite your current condition. Thank you Richard!
Powerful and simplified way! Spot on. And his choice of words at the opening was so perfectly told like a symphonic poem without mincing words. Well thought and put together. This needs to be passed on in my opinion
H.G. Tudor
Wow hay I almost feel relief watching this 😍😍😍
Richard is very good at dissecting and walking people through the gory details of going no contact.
In GB, you can always join the rest of the world except the US and probably other english speaking countries!!!
Going no contact finally brought me peace 🙏
Elizabeth Ciccantelli,You are beautiful 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
My father is Narracist. When i close to him, that feeling is something else. I should keep the distance away from him.
Wow Room 101 might be the most on point analogy for narcissistic abuse I have ever heard!
I was friends with a co-worker who revealed she was dealing with a particularly difficult relationship, and it was becoming increasingly more volatile, until it reached the point where she needed to get out. I helped her to remove herself safely from the situation by taking her back the apartment they shared, after work, while he was gone. It was very scary because she had already told me he was becoming increasingly hostile and abusive toward her, and she was visibly nervous about him showing up and discovering her plan to leave, while we were there. She had already loaded her car that morning, after he left for work and had me take her back to the apartment to drop the keys off, after her shift was over. She would be leaving town from there, and didn't want to take a chance of him coming home early to find out (and show up at her work), until she was across the state line. We pulled it off without a hitch, she made it safely to her parents, and successfully went on to live a very healthy restored life. It was after she moved that that she started an online support group about narcissism, and invited me to join. That was when I learned that I was so busy helping her with her situation, that I didn't realize that I was totally ignoring my own problems. I even remember making a point TO NOT TELL my husband what I was doing, this whole time, because I knew he wouldn't support my efforts. By the time I got home, albeit a little later than usual, he had already gone to the bedroom and didn't even come out to find out what I was doing. I fixed dinner which he didn't even acknowledge, and we went to bed in our separate rooms.
When I started seeing the links to counseling for narc abuse, that's when I learned what narcissism is and the lightbulb came on. I am 2 years free of my abusive situation and am very grateful for all the help I've received since my "awakening" from the lie I had been living with for 19 years.
I know your story all to well. It's odd how open and gregarious I am, but there's this other side of me that just refuses to see or speak. I can be such an open book and you'll never know me, I have no idea how I do it. I keep wondering what's going on that I've walked away, like yourself, but I still seek something more to know and want to understand, but I have no idea what it is that calls me. I'm glad you left your situation. I bet he's still scratching his head because he can't figure out why you left.
💚💚💚💚
You helped me save my own life! I had exactly what you're explaining happening to me. For 3 years I was with a woman with whom I thought was the girl of my dreams. Once we moved in together I quickly realized she was actually the girl of my nightmares. But I held on and kept trying to make it work. Bending to her whim at all costs. Listing to her entitled demands and outlandish expectations. Dealing with her childish fits. The entire time I was being gaslighted, I felt like I was the problem. About a year ago I listened to your speech about the female narcissist. It blew me away. And I listened to it until I could memorize it. Further down the road you talked about saying "no" and testing for NPD. So I started testing her by saying "no". She exploded sulking or even raging with infantile reactions that dragged on for days sometimes. It was sickening. Then from further suggestion from your videos, I started a strong morning routine of structured journaling, yoga, breath work and meditation. I started to feel human again. I started to feel like I had control of my life. Eventually I left her, it was hard, I went back a couple times, Finally I went "no contact" and it worked! Even though I still grieve from time to time. I feel like I'm free. Free from abuse, free from her ridiculous expectations, and I'm finding myself again. I'm feeling independent and strong. I'm a new person. My friends see it, my community is growing and I feel love all around me. When I was with her, I was isolated, a shell of a human on the brink of suicide. Richard Grannon, your videos helped me so much. I can't thank you enough. My life is so much better having had you guide me through all of this. Keep up the great work! I see what you're seeing in society, and I agree with your philosophies almost all the time. I'm a fan for life. I'll keep checking in, and I'll keep protecting myself from abuse and the sick individuals that are lost in a sea of their own pain. SPARTIN FOR LIFE! I even got your logo tattooed on my hand to remind me of my accomplishments! Big Love bother!
Such a perfect analogy 'lost in the sea of their own pain'. They truly are.
Same bro. I just dodged moving in with her. She wanted babies and marriage too. Swerved.
Good for you! When you move in with them, the abuse really intensifies and you can't get away from them. She was pushing me to move in within the year, so lucky that didn't happen. Walking on eggshells is brutal. The disproportionate rage attack tantrums over minor things are shocking.
Thank you for your comment; it offers me hope as I find myself where you were a few years ago. My work had me away from home for an extended period, and during that time I found my old me. But now that I'm home again, the abuse continues - but I know what 'normal' is like (which makes the abuse that much worse). But I will get through it. I have to; I won't give up and I won't go back to a life of silent suffering.
@@SoccerPhoto The first major step is becoming enlightened to emotional abuse and narcissism. I'd recommend going to therapy, make sure you figure the "why," why did you let this person in and why did you stay so long. I made that mistake of not understanding the why after my marriage to my abusive ex-wife and ended up with another abusive women who was a complete mental case. Good luck! You got this!
I'm so broken 😢 40yrs 17 yrs married now old just found you today.
Oh my, this week in therapy I said that my mum just sees me as a “thing”. She only wants me to do things for her and when I started to have boundaries & say no OMG the rage from this 85yr old that she wasn’t getting her way, the guilt and shame she threw at me was overwhelming. I still haven’t accepted it to the point it doesn’t affect but your videos and therapy help. Thank you 🙂
They come in all shapes, sizes, ages, colors, and incomes. Yay you, for realizing what your dealing with and know, they get worse with age. Just an FYI. I am sorry you had a mum like that.
"Let your hope die" is the most freeing sentence I've heard this year. I felt her dying for some time now, but I was afraid of what I realized a long time ago. I just didn't want to admit to it. It's time to let go and face my fears. Thank you.
You can do it my friend! You deserve someone who deserves you. :-) stay strong and good luck! xx
I let go of my family just to survive.
@@deborahwarren1705 you did what you had to do. You are a SURVIVOR. So, congratulations. I know it was hard, but you did what had to be done. It took strength most cannot fathom, much less carry within. Hence, no one can ever hurt you again. Not like this. And there is NOTHING you cannot overcome. You know that now, so relish in it. Rejoice. 🥂
The best advice I have ever in my life received from my very very best friends! (Which I did not listen to for 4 years!)
"When they Show and Tell you who They Are.. BELIEVE Them!"
Yes the waiting..... everything. Screaming, humiliation, tearing you apart if you don't so you're too scared not to. So many years of that
They don't have the power we think they have...face the fear ..don't let them lead !!!! Thank you !
I was with a female narcissist for 6 years. At first, I had a fragile ego and felt inadequate with relationships because up to that point my longest relationship was 6 months. I saw the red flags but convinced myself that relationships naturally have problems, and they do, but not like when you're dealing with a narcissist.
ironically, this experience led to me becoming more confident. It started when I moved to another state to be with her. I got a job that scared me and I lacked confidence in my abilities. As I got better at my job, I realized it was no different than any other job and I started asking myself what can I do to be happy? what can I do for me? what do I want? Why should I be the one to compromise in my relationship ALL THE TIME?
As I got more confident in my relationship I naturally did the things mentioned in this video bc what I initially thought were cute quirky personality flaws, women like to tell men what to change etc etc... became more like issues with reality as time went on, or, in other words I was waking up to reality. The more confident I became, the more lost in another world my partner became. The gaslighting and distortion of reality is what pissed me off to the point of leaving. It was the increased controlling behaviors that pushed me to my freedom.
Rich gives good advice here. I did what he recommended and man, like I couldn't say no bc it turned into a freaking 2hour to 2 day ordeal of fighting and watching her cry... be careful though, like he said, bc doing the test to see the response can be dangerous, but you have to look at your situation and make that determination.
Life is short, do you really want to spend it settling for unhappiness?
It's been a year since I left my situation. I am about to go after some hobbies that I've put off for years. I'm about to change jobs and go after a higher paying job which I will get. I haven't dated, not bc I'm scared, but bc I'm drained, emotionally and physically, not so much now. I definitely won't settle for the illusion of happiness anymore. I started talking to a lot of women, and I listen to the red flags now. I'm comfortable being alone, it's ok.
Listen to this guy. He knows his shit. He's lived it too. good luck to everyone.
Well done!🌻
You really understand and said that well, you could write a book because you have a gift of articulation. I'm glad your free☺️
I've been leaving toxic relationships since I was 15 yrs old. Happier alone, with my daughter, 8 cats & a wee Yorkie lol 😂. Was watching Johnny Depp trial when I chanced upon your Narcissistic video. I use to be a RN (MANY AREAS) yet this wasn't a topic taught to me 1983-85. You've re-educated me. My Narcissists were men but also some female family members. I just didn't know about it at the time.. Thanx
Good thing u didn't have any kids...u dodge a bullet 😁
I've felt like I am the problem 😕 you know we are always discussing how to make me better ,and truthful I'm miserable always working on me instead of working together!
"Don't let them lead". On our first holiday a few weeks into our relationship, my narc-ex asked me to give him my passport. I innocently said no and that I'd look after it myself. He smirked and accused me of being controlling! I defended myself and wanted to prove I wasn't controlling, so I offered him my passport, which he then declined (I know, I know). So many red flags and signs right there. I knew it was odd but at that point, I had absolutely no idea what I was dealing with. I escaped two years later in the middle of a silent treatment. Lessons learned.
Tests, accusations, controlling, projection. Do not ignore or make excuses for red flags.
Powerful! I am finally moved to action to free myself from my third narcissistic relationship.
I started doing the mirroring and realized i was losing myself and who i am as a person. I pulled away and grey rock as much as possible
The hardest most painful aspect of this for me is that I loved these men who looked at me as a thing, an object, a faceless servant.
Extreme entitlement and manipulation, lying, is what they all had in common.
Yes!! 4 days spent “hiding” in the spare bedroom (coming out to eat, etc) after he went to bed - because I was receiving the silent treatment for daring to say no (nicely) to a second round of physical intimacy within a couple of hours.
Am a 67 year old man and I’ve been dealing with someone like this for 24 years now with a 16 year old boy in the middle and hopefully near the end of a financially devastating divorce. The good parts are that with only calmness and the help of a recording device (certainly not family counseling) the boy and I were able to stay in our home until the place sold. People in the Cluster B spectrum are evil 😈 and this one could put on quite a show. Out of 6 different counselors, only 2 were quick enough to catch the games and they “didn’t know a damn thing” so back to square one. The Merry go Round will never stop until you pull the plug. When you love someone, it’s unbelievable how much punishment you will endure. The hardest part is realizing it wasn’t love with them. Still my biggest concern is my son who also endured being beaten down with emotional abuse and is still struggling (thanks to court ordered counseling) with setting boundaries. Be brave. Even if you lost the battle, you can win the war. The cost of Freedom has never been too great and that will never change.
I walked away from 9 properties when my narc went fake “bankrupt”.
My parents paid for my divorce lawyer who told me to get both of us to agree not to claim off each others’ parents’ estates should they die: I would win a secondary claim of “our” money going in to his mother’s account, but it would take years and cost squillions.
I’m still angry that I’m nearly 50, am renting, and own nothing, but I guess I have my health, parents & siblings, and FREEDOM.
Well said..!! I wish you and your son the best
I got out early fortunately, but has she not had a miscarriage, like you I would have stayed for the sake of the child. It was difficult leaving but I had to do it.
I LOVE your statement that the "cost of freedom was (is) never too great". Exactly! But something I will now use as a personal mantra and advice to others.
Its never too late to leave and you did the right thing for you and your son by leaving the relationship. The merry go around analogy and lack of boundaries is so true. I was a third party to a narcissistic relationship and got sucked in eventually. I was a partner to someone who co parented with a narcissist. In the beginning I let her deal with it and just supported and pointed a few things out. Eventually the conversations got more involved as the abuse/manipulation got worse. There would be an apology by the narcissist, good behavior for a little while then back to the manipulation. She would vent to me and I would try to remind her of the cycle of abuse she was in but I dont think it fully stuck. She admitted she was always conflicted in her decisions but didn't know why. It seems really difficult to disentangle everything when you cant go no contact due to kids.
I HAD ENOUGH !!!!!!!!! I AM FIGHTING BACK !!!!!
How did it go?
Nicely done. I like how you insist it's not revenge. We stand our ground and mirror those behaviours. Then test. I feel empowered. Thanks Richard.
When i was with my husband, i did tell him no, and I did mirror him, because after 5 years of him steadily upping the abuse I just did it naturally. Finally got the COURAGE to leave. That is what it takes..facing your fears, Richard Grannon is absolutely correct. I am afraid to be alone, i do not like it...but here i am and i feel much more calm. Watch more of Richard's videos and also w/ Sam Vaknin. Truly insightful.
Dr Ramani is a top narc expert too
Yes, be on guard when you say no. I kindly told my father no and his reaction was very verbally violent. I developed PTSD from the experience. So, be prepared for anything!
Hmmmmm - I JUST found ..that you can 'battle them, with a smile.' Cos - they knoooow they are in the wrong. ;)))
My first date with the love of my life showed she wasn't the one but I was smitten with her beauty. She asked me a time to see her on the first date. I said 5pm. She blow up and said " Thats too late, forget it I don't want to go". I was like WTF? I told her fine I'll go about my day....we made a compromise and went on her terms but I was shocked when she heard something she didn't like. I never had that happen. Plus, she was so beautiful I didn't want to ruin the opportunity so I tossed the rules out the window to get her to except me. Im insecure around beautiful girls so it was the only chance at "model status" I was gonna have.I see why she couldn't keep a man. They all RAN because after that, nothing went smooth. It was hell. Beauty on the outside doesn't make beauty on the inside.
I so needed that about facing the fear. The narcissist is my own son. The things he has done our absolutely mind blowing. I never thought to completely look at the pain this caused me.
It's my daughter how can your child hate their mother so much breaks my heart because I love her but I've never been the mother she wanted💔
@@teresawaid6088 I am so sorry to hear that! I completely understand. I truly don’t believe that it is “you” that she hates. They seem to thrive on hurting the ones that they think will continue to be there for them.
Sending you a ton of love right now! Put yourself and your well-being first!
I know this feeling as well
I can't understand where this all went wrong. I know I am.not perfect but I am.not the monster my child describes or hurts at every interaction
I can't do this relationship anymore and it feels like someone I luv has died which they kinda have as this person is not the child we raised
I don't know who this is 😫
Patterns of behavior that never change. Some toxic - some very passive aggressive ( true covert ) made me look further. I had one of each. Toxic - I started saying no to everything & the covert - I started mirroring. One raged & the other got severely agitated & both started stonewalling me. Needless to say I no longer engage with either one. One was family member the other a friend. I took the lead !
I’ve been following Richard for over 4 years. He’s led me out of the darkness and into the light, after I was raised in a horribly abusive Narcissistic household, then married an abusive Narcissist. Thank God, I have broken free of Narcissism and am able to now have a glorious, normal and happy life.
Wow good for you, please keep sharing your story you are inspiring others to do the same. This gives me hope thank you!🙏
Same here.👍
"If you have to let them lead you have to let them lead as little as possible. Take as much control in your life. Because they'll put you in a receptive position they'll cause you to wait they'll cause to feel like you have to wait for them to make the decisions. Don't. YOU move your own life forward now" taking this to heart.
This is was sooo important to hear for me too. Having minimum contact now I still feel stuck and nos I know why.
I left my Malignant Narcissistic husband of fifteen years almost two months ago. Best thing I ever did for myself. It literally took years of planning. He destroyed my self esteem. He Verbally, emotionally and economically abused me. He always took control of the narrative. Slowly over the past year, I quietly hired an attorney, got a storage unit a mailbox and a therapist. I had an escape fund that he never knew about. And the day I left, I was prepared for a confrontation, but instead he rolled over and let me take my things. I have a safe place to stay and limit my contact with him to texts only. He still tries to manipulate me, but now that I'm free, I see every childish action as clear as a bell. I took back the narrative. I am in control. We still have a long path ahead with the divorce, but the worst is over. Thank you Richard. I found a 30 second short you posted a week before I left and that got me through so much, I can't begin to tell you. I'm still damaged goods, but as I educate myself through your videos and other sources, I will be whole again.
I've never encountered a narcissist. The word never came to mind. I had no idea of what was going on.
I learned of this evil disorder through research
"You are not to them what you think you are." - this helps so much; I now realise I am not, to my younger brother, the best elder brother I have always tried to be. After years of accepting & making excuses on his behalf, and finding excuses for his behaviour when he upset my parents or me, his last episode has finally made me see the light - he has serious issues. And I need to pull back. It's terribly sad to accept that we'll never have the brotherly love I always strived for. But now, finally, I can let the healing begin. Thank you so much for this video. ❤️💪🏼
How did he become one?
Is he a Golden Child? It seems like they tend to become narcissist
Sooooooo..........YOU'RE the brown noser ! got it.
I’m divorcing a female narcissist after only 6 months of marriage. She took everything from me. Ruined family relationships and put me $50,000 in debt… I just wanted to be loved and a mom for kids after she died 5 years ago.
She would pick arguments with me to see how I would respond and then when I started sticking up for myself and asking her to stop, she accused me of being abusive. I feel like such a loser father for allowing this to infect my family.
Don’t feel so bad…the wool was pulled over your eyes! They pretend to be all that you want- we’ve all been duped!
I am so sorry you had to go through this but don’t ever think your a bad father for wanting the best or a mother figure for your children. I really hope you find the strength to get through this
@@jennyyoung2144 to think a person is capable of doing all that destruction to a welcoming and loving family is mind boggling. Their self worth is that low that their victimized subconscious mind is constantly on a fight and flight mode pattern when a person tries to show them love.
Im so sorry to hear this. These creatures sniff us out and unleash the rath of hell on us. The good news is we stick together and they actually can go to hell because they are answering to satan.
Please stay strong.This too will pass
2:55 - My Vulnerable Narc passed the test perfectly. This is why I couldn't recognize him for a long time. I said No multiple times and he respected my boundaries in many situations. BUT when he truly found something that's really dear to my heart and upsets me a lot, sadistic breaking of a boundary began and he really enjoyed upsetting me.
I've been there. Every word so true. Thanks for this video. After 2 years of no contact, 1000 hours of videos about narcissism, a lot of grieving, intellectually understanding and moving forward with my own life, I couldn't agree more to your explanation.
Truth, justice, freedom, bravery, peace.
“Don’t let them lead.” That’s it right there. Being divorced, I’m still waiting for responses on his time with the kids and so forth. He still has power. And he wields it. This is brilliant. Thank you.
Good luck to you. Please don't hesitate to state what you want & need, that can make all the difference. Sometimes that is all it takes. No matter what they say or how they behave, state your facts. No matter how loud they get, state what you need.
@@SydMountaineer ..Right ! and as unemotional as possible. Tears..feeds them !?!?!?
Don't let them LEAD 💔 ANYTHING
13:00
@@kimgordon3695 - Yeah. And they try n 'Keep you a Kid' !!! When it is THEM that are !?!?!
When it is needed - BE the PARENT, especially if you know that they have / had Narc. parents. ;)
I did.
I couldn't have said it better myself. I never knew about narcissism found out about it after googling his behaviors and actions, and then searched for my values and beliefs and realised , after 20 years, and multiple affairs, we are completely misaligned. It is now 3 years since I revealed that know about his affairs, finally brave and strong enough to take the step away, needed to proof to myself, over and over again, that I was not wrong about my diagnosis. They love one thing and one thing o ly - themselves, get out rather sooner than later, because the kids also gets the brunt of it...
You don't know how much I appreciate this video right now. I feel I'm going through the grieving stage right now my thing is to lose the Hope and move on..Im glad I found this❤
"I'm gonna" is my narc husband's FAVORITE saying. He's a regular superman considering all the things he's "gonna do".
It’s called ‘future faking’
This is my narc father
HA ! Mine TOO. He will say, 'IIII've GOT IT' !!! So I reply, 'Soooo - could IIIIIII HAVE IT THEN, pleAAAASE' !?!? ;))))))
@@suzesinger6762 and after you asked… did he give you the glaring stare back as if you’d stabbed him in the back? 😂
I spent 18 years in an emotionally abusive relationship. Then jumped into a 4 year one after that. Each getting worse as I went. I became very self aware and took 4 years to heal and move on. Currently in a 10 month relationship and discerning between triggers from trauma and actual narcissistic traits in the new guy. I hate that I’m dealing with it again but I now have the love and respect for myself that trumps all. I’ve been gracious and given chances hoping he would change his behavior. We promised in the beginning to each other that we had both been hurt so we would communicate everything. Well, when I express something that is bothering me or call him out on things he is doing that hurt me, he flies off the handle. I approach him in the most loving way and do my best to not come across as attacking him or accusing him. I still get screamed over, gaslighted, accused of being a child. I’ve been broken down in 10 months. He’s on his way out. Thank you for this video 💕
My partner (parasite) does the same. Raising/discussing ANYTHING with him sends him into full blown defensive mode and he clutches at pathetic straws to turn things,,, back on me. I have tried many different approaches, always to get the same outcome. Nothing ever gets resolved. Like Richard said, you can't think your way out of this. I think i have seen enough and will believe the behaviour that has been shown.
I escaped one, and met one. But this time I spotted it within weeks and now I'm free again. Keep going. You know you can do this.
What helps me NOT to choose another narcissist,I make sure I write a list of what I DON'T WANT and stick to it,not excuse or explain other people's mistreatments of me.For example saying well they are probably not having a good day today,or maybe they didn't have enough sleep,etc...I take people at their face value and try not to see in others what they're not.If i don't see it now,it isn't there in the first place.Majority of times,our instinct or intuition tell us something is wrong with a person!I don't second guess myself anymore.If something is off,well best believe something is really off.Even during the love bombing stage,I knew something was off about the narcissist in my life.I ignored it 😒
@@lunadust8017 my favourite distraction/redirection from my ex was... if you hadn't opened the drawer, you wouldn't have seen the letter my newly discarded gf wrote in which you learned I'd been seeing her all along. Unbelievable.
@@mandyl7071 That`s what the mother of my ex-fiance told me after I had found he had cheated on me with his from another man highly pregnant ex and several other women and I went no contact from the second I knew all that had transpired behind my back. All the time I was suspicious he told me I was suffering from BPD and schizophrenia and needed to get treatment. Her would give me the silent treatment for weeks when I dared to aske questions. He tried everything to get in contact with me telling I was making this up to back out of marriage, those chicks were lying, his ex was a lying whore, then he said that a hole was a hole and I was one as well, so why bother if he used other holes, too - I never told him I had hacked his email account and his landlord living next door had told me that different women were stying there over night when I wasn`t around. "If you keep digging for shit, you`ll find shit. So why do you keep digging? Be glad he still wants to marry you." that was the message his mother left on voicemail. I had my number changed and prevented them from contacting me. It took me several years to get over that betrayal but I was glad I had found the strength to not let him pull me in again.
I began looking into narcissism purely because of certain political people. It wasn't meant to explain anything of what I've been going through. It's been a deep dive since. And explains so much. Both for our country and how my family could turn against me like they did and why it all hurts so much.
Thank you so much!! Don’t let them lead is great advice. You may see it as being cooperative and trusting but now looking back on different situations with this in mind, narcissists see it as a golden opportunity to mess you up. It makes my blood boil.
Richard I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown not long ago because of my events entirely out of my control and I was scared. I was able to log back in and listen to your audios and I thank God♥️♥️♥️♥️
As difficult as any of us may be I hope you know how much you help so many in ways you and others could truly never know 🙏🏼
smmfh
At an absolute crossroads with these narcs. I've made up my mind to go no contact, but first I must survive a week with them. Using all I can from 20 years of therapy and figuring myself out, all I keep hearing in my mind is
"Abandon sincerity with the insincere," this is my mantra. I've had a taste of freedom and living my life without anyone controlling it, and I'm addicted.
Thanks Richard for years of verbal drills, I think it's really helping!
10:05
My biggest fear was to leave her and the be living alone (and seeing my kids only half of the time and not full time). Now I am living alone and love every minute of it. Talk to my kids everyday and see them usually three days a week. I feel so healthy to be away from her it’s hard to even describe it.
It's hard to explain for sure, very hurtful tho.
This advice is spot on. Don't let narcissists LEAD. YOU lead. Thank you for being such a great help. Your wisdom is much appreciated.
Wow I did the mirroring back and he did fly into a rage and called me a narcissist but I was cool with it as I had ENOUGH and wanted him GONE.
That is great that you kept your sanity all the way through! Proud of you. I naturally have come to some moments where I was not having it, and politely even, excused myself. To get a whole tirade or pity party and me still questioning did I cause this, am I this person, or being afraid of the retaliation when I knew I acted in proper healthy no BS strength. And getting back because it wasn’t that bad, I’ve had worse in the past. I’m working through these last bits. Even the people that want to seem to be good because of having told to have been victims can be nasty, they have lied, stole money, said to be on an appointment and don’t show, and seem absolutely Baffled and confused when you call them on it, such uncomfortable tension. It flies under radars. When getting properly out all the way, the weird compassion I feel now for myself for the first time is overwhelming. Like I’ve really done nothing wrong and somehow always felt like the bad guy. Like living my life, even the most innocent decision like choosing which socks I want to put on, or if I want honey in my tea (it went to extremes the brainwashing) was evil. I’m So done. I want to say never again, but it’s a work in progress and these videos have helped me when nothing else did. Even my therapist for 5 years. You Need clear steps and guidance. Otherwise you’re wasting your life away and most others really do not care, they will take a little dance while it’s going on. Yikes.
@Paramedicyogini i am so glad you didn't waste your time or compromise yourself and got out. Shows growth that you have identified that more work is needed. I think it never ends.
Yes i know what you mean. For me what helps, it is super uncomfortable though just saying, is imagining when all would be well. How would you feel if you would completely let someone in your life. Or when the red flags would not be there. Sounds strange but right is wrong and wrong is right. And right needs to be right and wrong needs to be Wrong. The fear will at some point dissipate for what you truly want and strength will come in its place. It’s hard work, not comfy. I too heal faster now but also feel more grieve for what is lost what hoped it would be like, a good one this time.... let’s try.. ow ouch whoops. Keep the focus internalized, there is strength and hope there I found.
I did the mirroring with the narc ex years ago. I have never seen a more insane response in my life. She even screamed “stop doing to me what i do to you!!!!”
Her eyes looked dead. It was truly scary.
I have a question that comes up, the poster of first comment said he called her a narcissist and yours was even spelling it out don’t do to me what I do to you. I cannot get this. It blows my mind and I cannot understand what they must feel. It’s Scary for sure. My fam would gaslight, it left me isolated. My sister cheated with my boyfriend years ago, then one week before getting married to her 5 yr boyfriend she called it off, and he had to tell everyone it was cancelled. She was having an affair for 6 months already. She’s now married to this new one. I was already no contact well they were with me, because she felt I didn’t forgive her, while I was working my ass off to make things work, and she kept shutting me out. My mother loves to provoke and said out of the blue that my sister asked can you forgive me for cheating on the fiancé and my mom said she said she obviously would. This story is one of many many, and more horrible things have happened. But to me this is gaslighting, role reversal. I was called a coward for finally taking distance by the new guy by the way. The phrase you mentioned don’t do to me what I do to you is on another level. So they know they are doing this fully aware? Sorry you went through that, this is what I meant in above post by being scared of retaliation. Sick bastards they are.
My mother had NPD. I discovered it 7 years ago, I was 52 at the time. Until that moment I lived like Helen Keller, lost in darkness, not understanding anything. Poisoned.I had a few friendships and relationships with narcs. A life of pain. I inflicted pain too because of it. She died this year , I had no more contact. But being the scapegoat I have been rejected , denied, disowned by father & brother. The healing is long and hard. I owe you for my progress, and to Sam, and a couple more. Thank you so much.
@Nathalie Dufour *
This seriously sounds "exactly" like some one I know!! 👀
God bless you. I know exactly how you feel. My hope is endless in them changing and I can’t accept that they will not. Not yet ... anyway. Thank God I am learning more and more from this channel. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Your life starts now👍🏻
@@callonthenameofjesus1459 Wow, this is me, sis. I am already severely disabled because of what they have done to me + curses done over me to kill me but i still just naive and can't stop looking for the good/hope in such ppl.
Praise Christ He's faithful and loving and very patient with me also.
I'm learning.
God bless. Shalom from Germany.
@Nathalie Dufour
Please cry out to the Lord Jesus Christ. You don't have to do this alone. Let Him love and heal you, child. You're so precious to God you will never be able to fully comprehend. Let Him bind Up your wounds. There is a Living Hope for all the victims of narcissistic abuse and even for the narcissists.
God bless you.
May you experience the wonderful peace that only Christ can give and surpasses all understanding.
One thing that has always helped me to get over the confusion and pain involved in getting over people who have little to nothing to give to me in return for my contributions to the relationship is to make a list of all the hurtful things they have done to me, and the positive things I got/get. The list of positives is inevitably very, very meager, while the list of painful stuff just goes on and on.........whenever I find myself yearning, hurting, wondering what I might be able to do to "fix" things, feel confused, etc. I get out my list and review it. Then I get back to my own life. Eventually, I don't need to look at the list any more.
Sunk costs are a big problem in these situations. The more we have invested, the harder it is to let go. It's like gambling in that respect! Maybe the NEXT play will make me a winner! NO, it won't.
It's helpful to stop being so forgiving and loving towards these people. A little anger and resentment from time to time, and asking yourself if you would choose to make friends with this person TODAY if you just met them, knowing what you know now, is helpful. The answer will be "I don't want this person in my life."
You'll probably realize that sunk costs are a big problem for you. And you might accept the fact that you don't have to be all-forgiving, even if it is extremely unpleasant to feel very angry and bitter towards such people. You have to stop thinking about the way things "should" be, and see what things ARE. You don't have to focus on the good in these people. The price you pay to experience their little bit of that is not worth the investment you made/make. Cut your losses.
The behavior that always stuns me, bombs me, crashes my ability to even take in what just happened, is after a violent tantrum he will actually think everything is the same as before. And expect me to clean up the broken glass, or replace the broken chair, all while he pretends nothing happened! He is incapable of admitting to himself that he just destroyed a piece of furniture or had a screaming rage event, because someone dared to question his dominance. The challenge of disentangling from a narc is to overcome your paralization, caused by the dissonance between reality and his delusion. He needs you to accept his delusional reality. And when it finally hits you've been living in a delusional version of reality, you just have to overcome the shock and get up and leave.
When you do the tests have car keys in your pocket and your phone. Maybe do the tests in a public space as they are less likely to become violent then. What ever you do don’t tell them what you’ve just done nor that you’ve discovered their a narcissist. Instead quietly start to plan...........
I had my Dad come to my place after my husband left for work 1 morning with a u haul & 2 family members & they moved me home to my Dad's! I felt safe & loved going home & filed for divorce & had Dad accompany my to any meetings with him & attorneys. So grateful for my Dad & family!
I'm naturally moving in this direction. I kind of intuitively came to the same conclusions and started respecting my values and not tolerating anyone who doesn't respect them. I'm also starting to truly feel sorry for those narcissists. They're truly zombies already. And they tried to make me a zombie too. Not anymore.
I’m with you! I was grey rocking my NPD older brother naturally once I caught onto his one dimensional game. I realized that when communicating with people other than him that life outside of him is normal and that life with him is really disruptive and toxic. They have no emotional self and he is a zombie. There really is no need to get any revenge on them. It’s best just to leave them alone and grey rock them. Protect your boundaries.
In the middle of my workout while watching this video...while crying harder than I have since my brother was killed on a machine that I built for him, my crying was triggered by the fact that everything scored a positive of the tests and your advise being 150% true...I did more reps than I've ever been capable but now it's time to go back to therapy and for me to consciously except what has happened and that the family and woman I gave my whole heart to....never existed and I have to let go of the fairytale I've been hypnotized by...thank you bro😢😭
It is true , you disarm there power by not allowing them to play you .B courageous. That is so very true .B strong mentally ! I take the lead of my own thoughts and life . No one has power of me but myself . Narcs won't change ever . No need to b mad or upset just ignore them .🙏 Thank you Richard Grannon listening is the key here .,holding your values as a sacred space that has a invisible magnetic field that won't b trespassed upon .