5 TELLTALE SIGNS someone is in a narcissistic relationship
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- Опубліковано 30 гру 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - Розваги
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“As long as you feel guilty the relationship can persist” wow this!
Gold. And this gold, is free.
We are the "is it me" ones...
Abusers are the "everything is your fault" ones
27:00 being unable to share the truth of painful situations as it woukd cause them distress which you feel responsible for fixing: plus they don't care enough to help in a real way
Wow! No place to turn so we are not a burden 32:00 too exhausted to smile or talk anymore reassuring others "I'm fine" with a forced smile, we become invisible
Right!!
I didn’t become animated after he discarded me. I was left broken and my depression and anxiety got worse. I have been going to therapy since the middle of our relationship because I thought I was the problem. He didn’t want to have uncomfortable conversations to fix our problems so I grew angrier and hopeless. I’m so tired now, I don’t feel happiness for the things that used to bring me joy and I wake up with anxiety every morning. I hope I get better one day and can be happy again.
She says we feel energetic when they are away for a time, not when they reject/discard us.
I think I've been in that type of situation for 7 years, I gave up everything for this person and now I feel like a fool and don't have anyone or anything in life to turn to.
😢same 💔 ♥
I had to be convinced that I was going through a narcissistic relationship by my therapist. After years of being demoralized, kicked down, broken down, neglected, abused and depressed beyond recognition. I was in it by myself and I couldn’t explain what I did to deserve the treatment I was receiving. It took years for me to understand that I was in a narcissistic relationship and had been in numerous narcissistic types of abusive relationships over the years. I was alone and I had nobody to count on and nobody to express my feelings to but myself after a while I discovered that I could trust her and she was someone that I could confide in about everything!
After years of being with my counselor…I had to be convinced that I was worthy and should not be treated like this anymore! That being ignored to my face and crying daily isn’t normal. That having major surgery’s and being left by myself isn’t something that someone who loves you and respects you does to you and they wouldn’t leave you to just wake up alone in a hospital room when you thought you were having day surgery! That they wouldn’t turn their phone off and go hang out with the two women every time they were sent to the main office out of state for a week. The hotel would say they would ring their room, if they didn’t tell them not too. So many things that prove he’s not spending 18 hours at work even though he says he is and when I go see myself there’s no cars there. So where’s he? Not to mention even after you have told him how awful it makes you feel he still doesn’t get you a gift for Christmas , your birthday , valentines or your anniversary but he still expects gifts from you! Plus a cake on his birthday , but no cake for you! He doesn’t care that your children are watching you prepare food and can’t hold back uncontrollable tears anymore and he is saying she’s crying over nothing ! That only works for so long before the kids start to understand and it’s okay to cry when you’re hurting! and for the most part her working for free for the past idk ten years plus. As Hope had closed her personal practice-except for a few patients, like myself that she had continued to see. She had taken positions over the years at the veterans service in I wanna say SC for about a year and then came back. She also took position ls back in PA in the er mental health trauma center and as a pt therapist at another office in town. Although she had her doctorate since 2004 when I first met her…she had taken lower paid positions, just so she could help people going through actual mental health problems. Way before starting her own company and definitely before retiring, yet she still talked to me weekly-if not more, again for free- which was all her decision, (because she was so caring and saw me suffering!) She even had my kids, come over during the summer and swim in the pool. Even my niece and nephew as well as my grand-babies! Anything that she could do to help take the pressure off of me. As she had known me for years and years and knew that my someday ex would not allow me to attend if she said I needed to be in therapy and pay. So she was so kind and she knew my situation for years actually…as when I had first met her. I had just moved to the state of PA in 2004 and we moved there for my husband’s job after the newly elected governor of MA (Mitt Romney) had closed the down the plant he owned in MA…Not to mention he owned property as well in the Berkshire’s, and other areas very richy areas! As he planned to raise taxes on all warehouses and plants, once his term began. So the employees that he didn’t lay off, he had offered-just like he offered my husband the choice of working their, Atlanta GA, FL, NC at the main office or somewhere in the midwest. Which would again have been 10,000 times worse in my opinion …as it at least allowed me to visit my family and friends by driving home, if needed! Anyhow he had to take a huge pay cut no matter where he went…according to the cost of living wherever he decides to live and time was of the essence. there and my diabetic son was having trouble adapting and arguing with me about eating and taking his insulin etc. So it had been years but she remembered me and that I had always had all three of my kids with me and she never once ever saw my husband during my son’s younger years and his counseling sessions! Yet has been manipulating everyone into believing he’s father of the year, which call me crazy but I would think for that title you would have had to actually have been around your kids and involved in their daily lives in order to be father of the year! So she left my abusive husband out of my sons treatment as she could feel the embarrassment from me back then and the excuses I would have to make up for his absences every week back then on the fly. She never attempted to call me out or bring embarrassment in my direction knowing that it was actually him and had nothing to do with me or my son. He would leave me with absolutely no access to money although he was my children’s and my own, soul provider and I was a disabled stay at home mom-found disabled by the social security law judge years earlier and couldn’t even get the insurance-although a law Judge for social security disability found me disabled long term, the local social security office said that it goes by my husband’s income…I told them I didn’t even want any money, I just wanted the health insurance and they informed me that because his income was too high, by like $25.00a month…I didn’t qualify for the insurance benefits that the law Judge for Social Security Disability found me eligible for! I even told them how I had no access to any money unless he gives me money and he didn’t do that, I am completely reliant upon him and he isn’t even providing the specific food my diabetic child needs. They said there’s nothing they can do for me! Although I was informed that’s not how it works and that the answer by the local social security office was no. But where my husband refused to pay the copayments for my doctors or dentist either I was in fact at a loss without treatment and there was nothing I could do about it. Heck I didn’t even qualify for the food pantry when all he would buy to feed the kids was milk bread and eggs and I had a disabled type one diabetic child who required or family finances and he kept dragging out the divorce process. Well during this time the pandemic hit and she had gotten sick, not from covid but from double pneumonia. Then our calls got fewer and further between as she was hospitalized. She ended up dying after a lengthy health battle of double pneumonia. So not to be selfish, but I no longer had her to talk to but now I have no access to any records for my divorce that has now been dragged into its seventh year. Where my future ex who told me from the beginning, we should do this mutually responsible thing without attorneys since the beginning and I agreed. Not like I had a choice! Yet then years into the process he told me that he couldn’t meet with me when I came to town all of a sudden because he has now gotten an appointment with an attorney and I said are you going to pay for me to have an attorney and he said “NO!” I told him you are my only source of investment and we are married, so he said that his attorney is now our attorney and to meet him there for advice from our attorney. I told him I had s doctors appointment but I believe an attorney can’t represent both sides of the same case as it’s an ethical violation! He said well I am not paying for you to get an attorney! So I was twenty minutes late because who knew I would not have the cooperation of the other vehicles on the road helping me get to my appointment! Sarcasm ftr! I accidentally stumbled in for the last ten minutes at the most of their conversation as I had a doctors appointment 45 minutes away and tried to rush to get there, but traffic didn’t rush!) So we had to go before the judge who I requested that he be made to pay for the lawyer I spoke to twice who said they would take my case (and stupid me answered the judge which attorney) as now my husband has that attorneys office and the lawyer has litterally chased me down the street in traffic trying to get us killed after screaming at me to intimidate me that first phone conversation and then black listed me with every attorney in the county!) all while throwing paperwork at me that I needed to fill out on ny own with no help because of my husband’s income ! So his attorney tells me that I have to prove that I spoke to the other attorney in his office whose name is on the sign by giving dates and times to prove ethics violations! That my counselor recommended her to me and that why she spoke to me and I was told by the judge that I needed to have the law library help me and you go there and they say we aren’t allowed to give legal advice! Then you try free legal services and the bar association and everything else you can think of WIN and they can’t help because of your husband’s income or you own a house together and they tell you to sell your home and so you arrange to sell it and your husband tries to drop it down 100,000 in the first month-30,000 in the first week and then takes it off the market when you don’t agree to 100,000 drop in a month when you already know you are taking a cut!
You will. Accept the fact you didn't cause it. I'm a year out and every single day is better than the one before.
Adrenal fatigue is what I had after decades of gas lighting, raging, conflicts and invalidation and stonewalling. I so wish I knew then what I do now. I never knew there would be no changes because narcissists do not change. Hope kept me hanging on. I didn’t even know what a covert narcissist was. Thank you Dr Ramini for opening my eyes. I am healing physically and emotionally since the discard but at peace.
Hello how did you heal adrenal fatigue?
@@silvialiliana556 it is different for everyone depending on your other conditions. I started off doing a ZRT 4 point saliva testing ( not covered by insurance-self pay most states ). Depending on results- do the research. There are good books to help advise how to lower or raise your cortisol. Work on decreasing stress- mild exercise, rest, be easy on yourself and don't push yourself
I, too, was married to a covert narcissist. I moved out 3 and a half weeks ago. I, too, hung on to the hope. I blamed myself for not being grateful enough. And after his smear campaigns, my own family have sided with him. Yes, it has been a difficult and lonely time, but I have never been stronger 💪🏻 or more at peace!!
It's dumb when you don't even know so your just trying to be a good friend and be caring to their toxic behavior. And then oh, your the abuser. How the fuck can I be the abuser when I was unsuspecting to their narcissist behavior and was just trying to help and be good towards them.
How did you get out of the relationship?
I need help
It's the feeling that you are getting physically sick after being gaslit. It's the feeling that you would have no problem running away forever and never looking back. It's the need to stand tall and firm to survive anything. Done done done.
They suck your soul. That's their thing. I've watched friends die from it. So hard to watch. Nothing to do. They won't leave. 😢
What do you like about this person.......my therapist asked me to write what I liked about my ex and at first, I thought, that would be easy. But I realized I couldn't do it because everything I liked was a lie, smoke and mirrors. I was with an empty shell who would put on a mask, or slip into a character. And that is a punch to the gut, realizing the person you loved didn't actually exist.
Unfortunately, that's basically it.....
Mine dumped me after an year of...Hell, always there was a problem for her, always I was at fault... Always, always and always... She was a victim....heh... She dumped me about 30 times... I wish I'd be kidding. And still I miss her and love her...But who I love never existed. Because for example, she was hating the 304s... Well, she came back after no contact-ish.... Called me twice in two different days, 1 day between each ofc... Drunk at 6 and 7 in the morning.... First was to tell me other dudes tried to kiss her and one did... Hurt... Quite possible she saw that I was sad and hurt about it, even tho healed a bit....It hurt like hell. Then, the other day came.... She came home with a dude both drunk and supposedly he only slept/layed on her for an hour and a half...Then she called me, and ofc, this hurt me like hell, hurts as I write... Trying to fight the part of me that still wants her....For those 5%'s of the time that it was nice........But yeah, I've been called quite a few things, narcissistic and bipolar... Which I assume she is, but yeah being treated like trash the whole time, I did start questioning if I'm actually everything she threw at me... It's unfortunately disgusting....I'm sure once I'm again healed a bit, she will come and punch in the hole.....Going to try to stand strong, but yeah,......Yeah...
Ah and accountability, is something that doesn't exist in their world...
I guess, I'm sorry for venting... But, stay strong and focus on yourself and on your healing process ❤
@metalassassin8841 I blocked my ex on my phone. He discarded me as a punishment, and I knew he was going to suck me right back in, and I didn't think I'd be strong enough to say no. He can't find my profile on FB, he can't call or text me. I didn't realize how badly I was being emotionally abused and manipulated, and towards the end, he was putting me in mortal danger. But the trauma bond was so strong, it was like going through an addiction withdrawal. I've been doing activities that are just for me, creating new routines that center around myself, and slowly, the grief is getting easier to manage. I've been 60 days sober from my narc relationship (of four years) and while it has been a horrible experience, I am getting better and stronger as I get my identity back. Don't let her punch that hole in your healing; it's hard but go no contact. She will never change, you can't change her, and the only person who will get hurt is you. No person is worth the destruction of your self esteem and identity.
@@metalassassin8841 stay strong brother, just saw your comment. Hope you have been keeping better this past month.
@@TheBoyOfAllPickles Thank you so much!
It's def a journey and it's not linear at all, there's bad and decent days. But it does get better... Still mind numbing... And pretty hurtful, but better... It's a long journey, but also an opportunity to become better and never alow such monsters into my life. Most likely she cheated physically on me... I know she did it emotionally lots of times. And those are things I need to work on just like healing from the rest of the crap...
Hope you are doing well and been healing!
We are better off without these nightmares ruining our lives.
1) Self blame. ... 2) Self gaslight. ... 3) What do you like about the narcissist? You don't have an answer. ... 4) You have to say white lies to people so you don't have to explain. ... 5) You often feel guilty, for the "wrong" things you didn't do, and no matter what you do or don't do, say or don't say, you are "wrong with shame". ... Thank you for your good work Doctor Ramani, I will also add: ... 6) Your body is in constant survival mode, at their presence or if you have to talk to them, you plan ahead what to say and what not to say and practice in your head before you dare to speak knowing very well they will interrupt and demean and twist and lie, your heart rate double and triple, your hands sweat, your armpits sweat, you clench your hands, you clench your teeth, your head ache and your temples ache in painful throbbing, pay attention to your body!!! ... 7) Self doubt!!! You still self doubt even after you are well educated about narcissism and psychopathy, you think that your self doubt is gone while the voices of the narcissist and their enablers are deep seeded, be aware. ... 8) An extreme people pleaser, self reckless, and self sacrifice.
Yep. You definitely get it. I lived under the oppression of covert narcissism my entire life, survived by believing I could overcome, influence, and change anything. My body finally said “no,” and my mind and heart finally understood. Best wishes on your journey.
That's so true, they can also give you so high standards you won't ever be able to meet so you'll see you didn't do right. And it's not necessary to be a people pleaser, I am not but still been manipulated. It's like there's no way to see it on time.
The mention of constant exhaustion had me shocked. I had no idea. I thought I was sick, I went to doctors, had many tests, still felt tired constantly with no medical explanation of it. All diagnostic tests within the normal range. After I got discarded like a piece of trash after 7 years together first I felt worse, but now I still feel dead inside, but my energy level is back to what it used to me before I met him. Your videos are opening my eyes up so so much and helping to connect the dots on what happened in my life. I was married to a covert narcissist and had no idea as I’ve only known about the grandiose kind. Found your videos post discard and post my ex telling me his therapists thinks he might be a narcissist. Wow!
Wow. This was me the first few months in therapy. Worried I had BPD, worried I was a narcissist, deeply confused and anxious, diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. My husband told me I was the problem and needed to get into therapy. Now I’m digging up all of these truths I’ve been blind to for the last 7 years (due to being raised by a narc mother. It felt comfortable because I was taught that I’m incompetent) and he hates my therapist for it. He hates our couples therapist as well. I am enlightened to my situation and no longer desire being a bird trapped in a cage.
Made me cry as you were talking about this. Feeling that I am unable to be my genuine self in a relationship. Appreciate your insight.
So true 😢
All my answers to “What do you like about them?” would largely be in the past, something I once thought was true, but has shown itself to be either false, or so seldom that it hurts after it is there and then gone again, like laughing together.
This country needs your voice of reason and sanity more than ever. Thank you for helping us survivors be more informed, prepared and skillful as we work to protect ourselves in a world rife with narcissists. It would be wonderful if you could make some additional videos specifically addressing narcissistic systems (including family systems, governments, and important figureheads).
They don't care.
Or you could just grow up Karen.
I agree 100%. I'd pay for a private channel that talks about narcissism in govt especially. Many of these narcissists like Dump and Cancun Cruz are making laws that hurt innocent people.
Flying monkeys will flock through the skies in endless droves.
@@musicmaven3149 who won the popular vote too maybe it's you Karen 💩
I did go into my new therapist saying my mom is a narcissistic b!tch. But you, Dr Ramani, are the one to help me with this realization. You also helped me to realize that my actions were normal, maybe not the best, but normal. A previous therapist did try to diagnosis me with BPD but I just couldn't see myself in the criteria. My new therapist agreed. It is CPTSD not BPD. We are slowly working through your Core worksheets while implementing EMDR and other modalities. At 52, I am finally finding myself. Thank you!❤
“I’m out with lanterns, looking for myself.” - Emily Dickinson
❤
Something I've been noticing lately on FB and other social media sites is how much some people go on about how great their life is. How wonderful their husband is, how smart their kids are, how kind and caring their friends are, almost to the point it's predictable and nauseating at the same time. So many people are hiding behind a veil, they need to show the outside world how "perfect" their life is, but in reality, I think these people more than any others, are hiding a dark reality of what is really going on with them. I live with a narcissist who is also an alcoholic and nothing about this relationship is good or easy, if I can ever find a way out safely I will leave without hesitation. But, I can also say that I am so glad that I don't go on social media sites and try to convince the world that everything is wonderful. I keep my problems to myself, but I prefer that to putting on a false front.
I feel the same about social media. I know people that go on about how wonderful their spouse is on anniversarys but their spouse is not a good person and they ended up divorced. Stay strong. Find a good therapist so you can talk about it to plan your exit plan. Stay strong. You deserve so much better! 🙏💪♥️
@Floridafanatic28 I'm sorry you're in a relationship like that. I was in a relationship with someone who may or may not have been a narc, but he was an abusive alcoholic and had a secret gambling addiction. It was really rough for many years but I was finally able to get away- you can too. Make a plan, set up a secret savings account, tell no one about it, look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself you're worthy of love and kindness. When everything is in place- leave while they are at work or traveling. You only get one life, you shouldn't have to spend it walking on eggshells.
Yes! Some people are good & do have a good life, but there is a lot of dishonesty! MIL is like that, except she is the narc! Her son is the golden child and uses it the same way - as a cover to pretend he is a good husband & father to us. Master of first impressions & superficiality. I hardly post on facebook bc of them. I hate how easy it is for them to lie. No one will ever understand what they have put us thru.
They may be afraid to speak out. They may not tell you what is happening to them. But you will see the signs. They will seem unusually stressed, paranoid, exhausted, isolated, depleted of their finances. But they may also seem peaceful and optimistic. So their attitude and personality won’t seem to match their situation. It will seem incongruent. As though they’re being affected by external forces. Because they are being abused by a predator. They’re a victim of narcissistic abuse.
Did you even watch the video? You respond to the title like you already heard what Dr Ramani said. I see you comment minutes after posting talking on the subject like you're an expert :/
@ I wasn’t even the first commenter. But yes I am a narcissist expert. I have been studying this disorder for 7 years.
@@NarcSurvivori never mentioned being the first commenter, i mentioned talking on the subject without listening to Dr Ramani. Are you a diagnosed narcissist yourself? That is the only logical reasoning behind your behavior
@@mooop348 Maybe looking in the mirror may help you more than I can with my words.
@@NarcSurvivor I don't see how looking in the mirror correlates with questioning why you believe you're more than an expert on this than Dr Ramani. To believe you're an expert in this subject enough to share your insight before listening to hers. I think you might've suggested looking in the mirror because it's something you do quite a lot :)
Why I wasn't honest with myself. That's the hardest question. I thought about it in my head constantly. I knew I wasn't happy but I wanted him to love me....That's what I can't understand. He treated me worse than anyone I've ever known yet in the beginning he was wonderful and i wanted that person back. 😢
Does it feel like they are not the person with whom you fell in love with and you're holding that image really tight but at core you know they are completely different persons? I feel confused, a feeling like sth is wrong but I can't put my finger on it.
This. It hurts so bad. I'm struggling but listening to her is helping somewhat. I don't have the extra funds for therapy so I'm doing the best I can
@@pragyabharti6156 from the very beginning....way before I ever discovered Dr Ramani...I was telling anyone who'd listen, it was like I was dating Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. My brain knew something wasn't quite right.
22:29 This is so accurate, I’ve very recently separated after 20 years. And I’ve never stopped to ask myself what it is I like about ‘ them’ the honest answer is, I can’t think of a single thing I like about them.
I still don't know if I'm in a narcissistic relationship. What I do know is.
1. No one in the house gets to be happy unless she's happy
2. I feel isolated
3. I get attacked with rage when I hold my ground
4. I get told I do nothing while everyone around me says "I don't know where you get the energy"
5. She'll treat me with hostility then perk up as soon as someone else comes in the room and put on a show.
6. She can treat people like crap but God forbid anyone ever gives her attitude.
7. She continuously tracks my whereabouts
8. She tries to damage my close relationships.
I'm not perfect. I have flaws like anyone else but this relationship doesn't feel normal.
I know I am in a narcissistic relationship. Tried to change it. Over and over and over. Only solution?
Leave...
@etechconnect48 Yeah
Definitely u r ! Run 🏃
@@poojalall3713 And that's the hard part. For a lot of people like me who wait too long to make that decision by the time we fully understand what we've gotten ourself into leaving affects more people than just us.
When your the caring one and try to talk about things and get sad about their abuse. But everyone will believe you just magically become abusive because they said so. Have you ever seen the caring one become abusive when they're just getting sad or trying to talk or understand things. That's how your emotions work and react to things. But oh. Your abusive cause she said so. Well shucks. Guess it's all up to them. Oh no
The hardest question I asked myself when I was married to my ex, was....why can't I get through to her?
Today, I can't think of anything that I liked about my ex-wife!
Amen bro
34:22 Wow. "The mind would rather feel guilty, than helpless" I'm watching this because I'm trying to wrap my head around that my sister may have abused me. Its so hard to even write that. I can hear her in my head saying "Oh , poor poor victim. You're always the victim" and usually following some criticism of me disguised as "for your own good"
When you know deep down inside you should end it and can't understand why you're staying. When in doubt, throw it out.
❤ perfect sign!
When there's doubt, there's no doubt.
What I liked I no longer like them because it was an endless cycle of silent treatment. I am living with them sleeping in different rooms because I can’t afford to leave with 2 kids.
THANK YOU to you Doctor Ramani.
I have listened a lot to your talks, and this is the one which has touched me the most.
I’m so happy for all you are doing
truly my fav channel rn
Same.....watch her and Mel Robin's latest podcast about this stuff .it's literally hundreds of dollars if not thousand of dollars worth of therapy in one sitting. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Doctor, your videos are sanity saving for me. 10 years ago i filed for divorce and started therapy. My opening statement was, "I just want to be the man I was before I married her" My counselor was great! Unfortunately, our pastor and the Christian Counselor she begged me to see "to save our marriage" both told me, after hr prompting, I should stop seeing my counselor "because he was encouraging me to sin against God" if I followed through with the divorce." In co counseling with them, the message i was fed was that I needed to forgive her and "learn to respond to her differently." Needless to say I was guilted, then shamed, the hoovered. 10 years later Im in the discard phase, but I know who she is, how she is, annd most importantly, why she is the way she is. She wants me to be devastated and hopeless. Instead I am starting to feel! hopeful. The renewed sense of energy you disccussed is real!
Me asking myself many times if I am a narcissist. If I was the manipulative gaslighter. Meanwhile having audio of my partner gaslighting in action on my phone and still wondering, if my perception is still wrong, because he kept saying, that he wasn’t saying what I was hearing, so maybe I‘m even hearing the audio wrong… for three years I felt like the dumbest piece of shit who wasn‘t able to make the relationship right. No matter how hard I worked on my communication skills. How hard I was controlling my voice, what I‘m saying and how I was saying it, I just couldn’t bypass an angry Tirade, where he felt personally attacked by me (by me, telling him about how I was feeling). I thought I put him through too much, I were just too needy, because he always shouted „you are never satisfied with me“ or „I just can’t get it right for you, can I?“. Ended it a few weeks ago and I‘m amazed by the energy and love for life I suddenly gained (even though I still have moments of grieving the potential, the version he sold me by words, the according actions I waited years for)
I have been exhausted for two decades now 😔
Im sorry dude. Hang in there
I’m so sorry. I’m going they the same thing
Same
In answer to why I like him? It is because of his true kindness, and his physical presence and connection especially when we kiss or do anything sensual. Small moments to me capture a lot, and I truly want to understand why I am “labeled” the narcissist to his perspective of our relationship. “I am a victim and a manipulator.” I can recognize my wrongs and apologize for them but in truth to my own integrity I disagree about being a narcissist and I don’t like being labeled. I have debased myself all of my life, always internalizing my own behavior to situations that are unhealthy and constantly saying to myself, “I’ve been through this my whole life, what is wrong with me that keeps bringing these unhealthy relationships?”
“What am I doing wrong to bring out these actions and behavior in my relationships?”
“Why do I keep getting into toxic relationships? Why can’t I find someone who understands me, accepts me, and doesn’t try to change me?”
1. physical abuse
2. psychological abuse/trauma
3. behaving in illogical ways
4. drug abuse/addiction
5. being secretive
What I would have said at one time was the man was charming, now I see "charming" as a verb, something he did, rather than what he was.
Listening to all this just breaking my heart, I feel heavy, tired. 'They can't change' is hurting.
When I realized my father was a narcissist (psychopath) it was devastating!! My internal vision - was an old rusty can full of fat worms crawling out of the can. I am finally educated on the narcissist Ty Dr Ramani! I am able to finally put the puzzle pieces of who and why I am the way I am together.. not Puurfect though ! Yep agree we don’t need to be throwing the word narcissist around!!
Remember this anyone allowing someone to abuse them has something that they are going to have to fix on themselves. It's not hard to be nice or to respect someone you care about. Its just not. Yes ma'am. Its devastation. People don't understand. But I am becoming my best self. It takes time.
I feel guilty for existing, I feel guilty for being a financial burden on everyone in my life. I feel guilty for wanting and needing something
I love your videos! Would you consider doing one on narcissists in non-monogamous relationships? With these relationships becoming more mainstream, I’ve noticed that narcissistic traits can show up in particularly distinct ways in this context. I came across an insightful Reddit post on spotting these patterns in plural relationships, and I think covering this niche topic could really help a lot of people.
Oh interesting and good one to bring up! I've become friendly with a guy in a poly relationship with this girl but she's got some issues and yet had a good handful of her own other people while for him she gives double standards
@@shortiejayyyI’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. If you’re new to the relationship, I’d recommend taking what you hear with a grain of salt. In my experience, my ex framed herself as the victim, telling new partners that I was controlling or unstable, even while she was emotionally and physically abusive behind closed doors.
Looking back, I wish her new partners had been discerning enough to question why she was using them as a sounding board for relationship issues so early on-something that’s a red flag to me now. If you’re in this position, it may be wise to step back and encourage this person to address their issues directly with their partner or talk to a close friend instead of involving you. Just my perspective.
You are the best doctor ramani ❤
We are not worthy!
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge freely with sooo many others.
Dr R, you’re awesome. 🙏🙂
Didn’t want to see it for years, though every time I read about narcissistic relationships I would see myself. I’m finally coming around to radical acceptance. The grief and guilt is unbearable. Nobody in their right mind WANTS to be connected to a narcissist. I’ve done everything in my power to explain it away and I just can’t anymore.
The grief of acceptance ....then you're hit with the second phase...they've ruined every contact you had. Not only that the financial, sexual, gaslighting realisation. It's chronic hellfire.
No matter what I do, it's never enough. I literally have to reinvent myself and give literally all without expecting anything in return. Everything is transactional, I get what I give, and if what I give is pleasing, It still doesn't mean I'll get some empathy. She's never wrong I'm always the issue, she can never apologize and my views are either downplayed as not being clear enough, I've not grown up enough, I don't understand her after dating for sometime, these are just some traits.
his mother always said, it takes two to tango, and i would say, but it only takes one to trip up the whole dance.
Good one, yes context is everything
also "takes two to fight" but when only one fights, that is a beat down
THANK YOU for pointing out the energy equation. It is so true.
Recently, I was sitting in a meeting with a woman I had never met before, and she asked how I was doing. I dropped a few words that life was tough and could be better. Her response was, "That's GREAT!!!" She didn't hear one single word I said, nor did she care. I wanted to cry. Now, the answer is always, "I'm fine." Period. Let me appear on social media as if my life is perfect. GOOD FOR ME! It's all I've got!
I feel seen, mentioned, Thank you.
I started therapy because o have lost my laughter, happiness and dreams, i totally distanced me from people because all i had left was " yeah i am fine' i gave up. All you mentioned starting minute 35...is so true...😢
"What do you like about them?" wow, while i was asked this question about few ppl i had in my mind, my brain was stuck coming up with some good answers. excellent question to ask.
“I’m out with lanterns, looking for myself.” - Emily Dickinson
Never heard that before, thank you.
I like when the innocence comes out in the narcissist that makes me see them differently. It lets me see that they do have redeeming qualities.
Dr Ramani, I just love your role plays, they really make me chuckle because they're just so good and spot on! Much appreciated. ❤
Thank you for explaining the underhanded trickery of narcissists that confuses and disorients their victims. This education is like Luminol at a crime scene, being able to trace what actually happened. My ex-husband would lie so convincingly that, even when my brain knew beforehand the real facts, my emotions so wanted him to be the trustworthy human. Feeling shamed because I invested in people who would con me. I appreciate your delivery of the facts in a way that we can hear the reasoning. And maybe invite us to use reasoning to keep aware of what's actually happening. Especially useful for neurodivergent people, we who are not brilliant in self-awareness at our baseline, slower at understanding social patterns. This learning helps us step back to decide what's actually best for us.
What do I like about them? I wouldn’t say I like but admire or amazed at how persevering they are. In what they want or how they want something to go they don’t let anything stop them. They will keep it up until physically they can’t anymore or something threatens what they already gassed up.
19:00 On what we like/love about the narcissist… I am thinking of all of the reasons I love my boyfriend as opposed to my narcissistic ex husband. My boyfriend was my good friend for 17 years and we took it to the next level 7 years ago after my divorce. I love his humor, our mutual taste in music and film and comedy, our shared progressive political values. I love the way he listens to me, sees that I listen back, the way he steps up in crises big or small, how affectionate he is just out of nowhere, the amazing lovemaking we share that only gets better with time. I love his mind and his heart and I know he loves mine too. My ex husband, however…even on our wedding day I couldn’t have named a damn thing. I was in that relationship out of terror and exhaustion and I resented everything he thought, said and did from the first date to the signing of the divorce papers.
Mine showed up last night after no contact for 30 days. And asked me if there is anyone else because that’s the only reason why I didn’t reach out. And I must say if there is someone else so they can make a decision on their end. Aka there is already someone there they have in mind; projecting
Thank you Dr Ramani for this video, i was disparate to find this kind of information. I felt so drained in the last 2 months of the relationship with my ex-girlfriend, I knew something was wrong with her i didn't even know what the word narcissist meant. There was so much gaslighting, triangulation and no empathy. She made a Reserve discard by trying to get a negative reaction from me for a whole week and I was acting calm because of the kids. In the end she told me that I am always tired. I felt like I was her slave and she was punishing me because I am tired and no use for me anymore.. it was the most bizarre experience
She’s been dead since April 1, 2023 and it’s been happiest year and a half of my life!! I didn’t realize how bad it affected my life until she finally died!! It was my mom for my entire life! I loved her, but didn’t like much of anything about her as a person!! She was pure Evil!! I Love my wife, she’s sassy, but she’s fun!!
Can’t wait because while he is on this earth he will not waste a day to make my life miserable
I feel like the best case scenario for discovering/realizing someone you care about has narcissistic tendencies, is hurt and some amount of relief. Because all these years you knew something wasn't right, but it was you. It had to be you because it couldn't possibly be the other person you trusted and even idealized. A part of you knew, but was convinced that you were always wrong when you conflicted with them, because they were always right. But you were right all along.
You were right all along that something was wrong, and you did in fact deserve better.
My question is: what is reality?
When I expose facts to people they can't say if he's a good man or a manipulative one.
I think there's a good word: when there's a doubt, there's no doubt.
I'm not sure but I always doubted this person. Me and all the other people depending on him. Maybe this is enough for a red flag.
We are isolated, abandoned by everyone and become sicker and weaker.
We used to have things in common. That changed when he had to do those things regardless of what was going on.
The 1st time, his brother, who was in a wheelchair and lived in a nursing home, was admitted into the hospital. He couldn't cancel his camping trip. Or when I was admitted & then even after I was released from the hospital. He had to go play disc golf, leaving me to crawl to the bathroom. Then he'd return aggravated, argumentative and drunk, even smelling 🙄.
I took care of his brothers needs while hospitalized. I took care of myself following femoral artery surgery. I took care of myself after knee & shoulder repairs.
The end is so close I can almost feel it. He has dragged this out. I am almost free to be alone in my own home, with my pups, for a minimum of 5 years. That time frame is for me to heal my soul. It may take longer but no less. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You have helped me to help myself. 😊😊
There are alot of people who are in these situations. It’s mind blowing how many people just don’t understand or know how to better themselves.
I’ve realized yeah they are projecting on us that we are the narcissists when we are the ones that are kind, caring and giving. Yeah I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing to make it worse
People who are living with and being affected by a narcissist speak a different language. I am fluent in that language. I can feel it and pick it up
My only regret was not standing up for myself by putting her in her place on our last date and walking out.
It came as a complete shock that the person who I thought cared about me would suddenly switch and turn into (for lack of a better word) a c**t, leaving me confused and paralyzed.
I never received an apology and had to find my own way to forgive myself for ever falling for the BS.
This question, "What do you like about them?" is a great diagnostic tool. And I admit, it caught me off guard. Personally, I didn't have a ready answer. Upon further reflection, I know two things: One is that if you had asked me this question three years ago, I would have had plenty to say. But that was then. Things are very different now. Part of the confusion for me is this other question of, what the hell happened? How did I wind up here? To which I often blame myself. The second thing is just a thought ... That maybe one reason people stumble over this question, is because that's not really what they want to talk about at this moment in time. In other words, why would I go there? Telling you what I Iike about my partner is not really what I came here to do. It almost feels like a kind of self betrayal, if you see my point. I understand the question is designed to get people to confront their denial. Fair enough. The truth is the glitch in the matrix. But maybe, not coming up with a ready answer is an unconscious act of being true to ourselves. In any case, thank you for these videos. It's a real blessing to come across this work.
I hate how much I can relate to this. I have been blaming myself for so long and so sad and devastating to know that he is not going to change. Nothing I do will change and he won’t understand or care
My narc came up with an exercise in which we both say what we like about each other. I went blank, there was NOTHING. Made me really sad and also felt so bad for him.
I think I held back on telling people about my feelings and what I was dealing with because I knew, deep down that I had brought it on myself and didn't really have a good reason to be complaining about the situation.
11:36 this reminds me of when it was once suggested that what I was experiencing was actually karma for the things I've done earlier in my life. I just couldn't take it seriously, as the people who had been taking advantage of my years long descent into chronic health pain and emotional anguish were not and would not ever have to experience this, and I wouldn't want them to. I don't believe in making my pain a transaction that I get to reap the rewards of later or that my suffering was brought about by divine, cosmic sources. I didn't do anything to deserve this even if I made mistakes and unwittingly contributed to my exploitation at the hands of a deeply pathological parent, younger brother and a broken psychiatric system - no one deserves to this suffer like that. Even after everything, I believe everyone should be able to walk away and live a better life, and damn any karma that would take away their opportunity to do so.
On her first point, the few times i was able to open up to people was with a really good mutual friend of ours (way before i knew what npd was), and later with a good friend of his who was his boss at work (after i was aware of what it was, but had not devled into it that deeply & suspected that only his sister had it). The conversations were exactly how she says, with me feeling at a complete loss/ extremely confused about his behavior, and ultimately blaming myself & my issues as the core problem.
Why do I love my narcissist daughter…
Because I remember how pure she was before she was infected by her father and that’s what I always hope for that return until the day I die 🥀
Yes I feel the same. One was sweet and sensitive, the other a sunny, happy little girl. Both badly affected by the male narcissists in their lives. I am so glad I walked out and took them away. They are still affected but better than if I had stayed I believed.
@ yes, my regret was staying. Either way, I knew it was a no win situation
Exactly that.
I felt guilty about making him leave. Being extorted was the first issue, he interrupted me when he claimed he wanted to talk, threatened my adult children and called them derogatory names. The final straw was finding nude selfies and sexy messages to several women on his phone. That was the day I made him leave. Yet I still felt guilty when he said, "I don't understand what's happening right now."
Most people will often lie and say their life is better than it really is, they dont usually lie and say their life is bad.
I called my ex a narc , hoping and praying she would self reflect and get any help she needed to help her be healthy, well… we all know how that turned out 🤷♀️
What I liked about that person that when he wasn't drinking he was a different person but still possessive manipulative
That he worked hard,was something I liked about him
What do I like about my Narcissistic mother? Nothing. She is my mother I have to. It’s all duty and societies expectations. If I had to choose it’s not who I personally would personally choose but I’m Stuck for life.
Spot on, thank you for sharing your wisdom Dr Ramani
can you look into the 4b movement, its a south korea movement but i feel like we’re about to witness alot of women in the west participate in this
Yup! Dating males is way too dangerous now, not worth a woman's time whatsoever. There are actual creeps who want physical intimacy after cheap coffee dates and a bunch of lies.
I second that, I'm in Russia and it seems it is about to happen here as well
I tried to persuade my ex-husband to go to family therapy, but he never came, but my recovery began there. I began to notice moments when he accused me of something that was not my fault. And what a relief it was, because guilt and the desire to explain myself kept me in this relationship. It's been two years since the divorce, he's still trying to get me back...Through guilt...good luck
Main sign is unhappy face and rarely smiling.
He love-bombed me big time - made me feel so special
Wow this really spoke to me. I had been thinking about getting back with my ex husband bc he’s in therapy now and on meds. I wanted to be together for our child but couldn’t figure out what was holding me back still. When you said “what do you like about them?” I couldn’t come up with a single answer.
I haven't been ill for years but recently I was ill and couldn't shake the tiredness for longer than normal. Been married 3 years
We're really going to need this channel, knowing we'll deal with narcissistic Dump for 4 yrs in USA.
Or you can just do some adulting..
You mean the one that kept us out of wars?
I feel like a kid on Christmas❤❤🎉🎉
Hate is not the answer. Get over your bias - the world is moving on.
The old liberal women not sending boys off to dying pointless wars is a stressful thing..
I didn't know I was being abused. As a man i associate abuse with being physical. I was 6 months out before I accepted the radical. I was treated horribly. I was in denial. I was lost and believing in a fantasy. I didn't know who I was and I was a stranger to the people who really cared about me. I felt like I was constantly in my reaction mind. Not in the peaceful middle. I was confused and was unable to control my thoughts and feelings. I was the lowest I could get. I accepted i was abused and I was allowing it. I didn't deserve better. I was trying to constantly proving or explaining myself. And I was being accused of being a narcissist. I was being no contacted for any own good. I accepted i was not cared for by her. No doubt. She didn't care about anything but herself. I knew I could never treat someone i love like that.
I’m beginning to feel like I should talk with someone about my situation. The more I hear the more I question everything I’m going through and have been through…
Thank you DR. Ramani!!!
Dr. Ramani I really admire you and I wonder a few things? I went to a therapist and said to her I think my bf is narcissistic of course after a few questions, I told her I learned from you what it is and she laughed at me. It was almost as though I was a joke. By the end of the conversation she said I was a person who was desperate for love and places me on 3 medications, which I never took. I gave up on therapy, for me therapy shouldn’t be needed if you have honest loving people around you? Sometimes the things you say make me feel narcissistic because I’m usually the one who loses it and looks unhinged. I have a hard time letting it go, I just can’t accept what is not true. I’d rather die in prison than to admit a crime that I did not do. I know God knows and that keeps me grounded. Another issue I’ve had is this whole political issue. I know you want to be neutral but as a therapist you should cover it. Personally I accept all people but I do not need my child learning trans studies in 2nd grade. Am I a narcissistic person? I live by truth and to me it seems that many of these people are self absorbed and expect you to follow suit? I believe there are 2 genders and that’s truth. Yes boys games dress up and so can girls, but you will not not teach my child to lie. As a psychologist don’t you think these people need help? Not the kids who were born and always gravitated.I’m talking about woke culture? I love all people but can you touch base on this? I stopped watching you for a while when you had a segment speaking negative about Trump. How do you think Kamala is genuine? It put a bad taste in my mouth because at this point it’s common sense and I’m tired of people manipulating the masses into untrue narratives. I was a democrat until a year ago. To me these celebrities and politicians are very narcissistic. I’m sure you won’t respond but I hope you clarify your stance on political narcissism. I think trump is way more authentic than Kamala and I’d love to hear your response. People say trump supporter are narcs, yet they are the ones out of control? Thanks for teaching me so much, I respect you and hope this isn’t offensive. Happy holidays ❤
Hi Dr. Ramani can you do more videos about covert narcissism in friendships.
These openers used as examples are people who are not yet aware and haven’t spent years researching patterns/behaviors they are e during. It doesn’t make someone who can “name it” any less valid in what they are experiencing.
I knew EXACTLY what I liked about him. When it was good, he was entertaining, charming, with a disarming aw-shucks boyish charm. He was smart and talented and good looking. Then it was really BAD. But I lived for the crumbs. Till I woke up and ran.
the helplessness and hopelessnes has been eating at me of a long time, things are looking bleak.....😥
Scared of being on my own? I’m 81, second marriage (10 yrs)and a dreadful mistake. Right words, right time, wrong person. I NEVER even imagined anyone could be this way, thought with enough love, enough normalcy I could introduce another mindset. It is a nightmare beyond anything imaginable, totally soul destroying. What a wrong call!
No matter your age, it is NEVER too late to get yourself out of a bad situation.
From one who has been through it, it is totally worth the work..
Wow.. The time went by fast when listening to this video..
I have trust issues. Live like a hermit. Two narcs in my family.
My therapist told me I was complicit and that I allowed it. 😢
It’s not YOU
Thats victim blaming. Odd your therapist would choose that wordage...
The tiredness of your soul🙏🏿
Why I stayed so long in narc relationship after my divorce. Signs there, but he made it about my family situation.
I like that we go on vacations and that I don't have to do things alone.
People with severe mental illnesses that involve emotional instability get highly misunderstood and labeled as narcissists and its sad how motivated people are at showing a deep seated hatred of mentally ill people who have been stigmatized who have been abused and conditioned with a reactive mindset when they were young. It is not theyre fault but so many people who want to feel like they are the good ones yet they are the ones who profile the victims who have suffered greatly with negative labels. Thats dismissing the core reasons as to why they have been conditioned to act that way which could of lead to a form of acceptance that not many educated self aware people are able to master independently in regards to trauma victims who had no support theyre whole lives.