I really think I'm that guy, I started eating way less when I started living alone, i'm -10kg since then, but I was very chubby so i liked it? but idk I might have eating disorder what should I do
@@dioguito I think one major solution is (sleep but also) to create a consistent safe space for yourself to just sit and just feel what you've gone through *without distractions* in the day or in your past even. I've been developing bad eating habits lately because I need *SLEEEEEEP* . Lack of sleep makes a huge craving for extra carbs and I would highly recommend just googling how sleep effects your cravings and mental health because its *incredibly important* .
No wonder i got absolutely nothing done while living with my parents. They would tell me everything i should do, and the more they told me the less i actually did stuff. Everything, from doing the dishes to going to partys, as soon as they told me it went from an active to a passive challenge in my mind and my motivation would drop below zero.
@@SirWolfykins tbh if you have controlling and/or emotionally abusive parents the main way to solve will be getting out and get some therapy (cbt). If you are too young, or need to stay with them is a mix of what Dr. K said and going out, study in your school/uni instead, go out with friends. Chores and everything else at home will be a secondary thing that you'll have to fit in with the rest of your plans, and so, those become something you need to do, but not your main focus. Also, don't give your parents too many details about your emotions if they are abusive, they'll use it againt you and manipulate you like 'you are never here, it's like i'm living by myself' etc. Hopefully you just have anxious parents that want to support you but are not helping, if they love you and are not abusive you can talk to them and maybe you'll figure out a new system together :)
@@SirWolfykins i mean one thing is that i moved out 😅, but i also told them (often) that its counterproductive if they tell me what to do. They eventually understood this and stopped, tho it took quite a while. It must have been pretty hard for them i believe, since they were doing this out of love. So i guess you gotta be understanding for their pov too.
I lived through a situation where I had to eventually sit my mother down and ask her not to keep telling me how to spend my time. She protested but I was surprised that afterwards she actually stopped and things got a lot better. Just simply talking does so much. Your parents do care about you and they want to do the right things but they often don't know how.
So relatable. Like, I get home from uni and I'm motivated to cook, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, clean my room and do assignments or study but then my mother tells me to do the one of those things and suddenly I lose all motivation to do anything
@FlyingMonkies325 how do we? I related a lot, however, I haven’t lived with a parent in about 5 years and have my own place across the world in an entirely different country, environment, and culture… yet my mental state is still as if I am with them. It’s transitioned into my romantic and friendly relationships as well, which is a tad bit scary. So, anyone who’s reading this, related, and has moved past it, how did you do it?
It’s like going back and doing a bunch of side quests because the main story boss looks difficult, once we do enough the boss doesn’t seem as difficult and we might get skills that end up helping us in the fight.
This channel is like discovering a Demon's Souls guide after dying 150 times in the first area, you wish you had known it all from the start but just thinking how many people will find and be helped by this makes you smile. Thank you for everything Dr K!
Resonates with the opening of the Serenity Prayer: “Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
I dont have an eating disorder but ive always found that putting more effort into cooking is the first step to getting out of a slump. Going out of my way to make even just pasta for dinner, rather than a pile of granola bars or a microwave meal or ordering out, always gives me a sense of control and agency.
well done, great recoginition, you could take it further and find passion in cooking for the sake of health. there is something satisfying and reassuring about fuelling your body with the best ingredients. I have found diet important in mental health. Maybe look at more delicious dishes, which also incorporate a range of vegetables and flavours. I like mousaka, u should try make one some time. anything that minimises on carbs is great
I was scared to even click on this video because recently I've been so overwhelmed with everything I couldn't add more self awareness to it but still I did click on this video and I'm so glad I did I genuinely feel better and also motivated to tackle everything that's in my way. Thank you Doc, you're an absolutely incredible human being.
This is 100% true. For the longest time I felt like I was drowning in a foot of water. I was struggling to do the bare minimum in my life. Things changed once I started challenging myself in things that I was able to control. Changed everything
Wow. I mean, WOW. This info may help me change my life and outlook and emotional state completely. Thanks, Billy, for verifying it. I believe the doc, but it's always helpful to hear from someone it actually worked for.
Recently I stopped pursuing all active challenges I had to only focus on the massive amount of passive challenges and I've started feeling completely overwhelmed to the point of being paralyzed. Maybe this man knows what he's talking about
This is me too. Why am I unproductive? Because exhausted, because overwhelmed, because everywhere I look are obligations, because I prioritize obligations over wishes. Listening to Dr k, I realised somehow I have a slightly skew notion of "sacrifice" that leads to this.
That explains why telling yourself "I I must do this" is so corrosive. I often set goals for myself and then tell myself "I must do them", instead of holding on to the original "I want to do this."
This is a big one. Discovered this myself during a positive period of time and realised how important of a piece it was. Don't "I have to make my bed", rather "I want a tidy & positive room"
It feels so good when someone much more knowledgeable than me puts my feelings into words so eloquently. Indeed, taking on more challenges made me feel SO much better: a month and a half ago I started working out. I couldn't work out in the evenings because of social life, so I decided - I have to force myself to go to sleep early to wake up early. Bam, two challenges in one. While I'm working out at home, I have a lot of free time while resting between the sets. So, why waste that time? Bam, done the dishes. Bam, took out the laundry. Workout is done and I still have time to take a shower and take a walk at my own pace (instead of rushing) to my work. Just one good decision led to many other healthy ones. If anybody reads this, heed my words: it takes one small step. One choice. And even if you fail, you still can get up and try again. What matters is that you try - and those who try succeed. Good luck!
Just wondering, what the heck is your exercise? How are you able to wash the dishes in-between sets, is it because dishes take less than 5 minutes, and you literally workout near the kitchen? Sounds so weird cause resting period is supposed to let you fully recover from fatigue before pushing your muscles to the limit again with the next set (if building muscle is the main goal)
@@Crustee0 it's simple bodyweight mixed with weights workout, I start with pull-ups and yeah, I do it near the kitchen (the pull-up bar was installed before I moved into this apartment). Since rest time is usually set to 2 minutes between sets, it's usually enough to do SOME dishes, but not all of them, so I come back like 3 or 4 times.
1.Passive challenges:- Occurred by surroundings 2.Active challenges :- You have taken 3.Increase the number of active challenges. 4.Behavioural activation
I’m trying to finally declutter all the stuff I’ve accumulated from stress buying over the years. It’s not an egregious amount but enough that I recognize it’s an issue. I just wiggled i to bed because I was feeling overwhelmed and opened UA-cam and saw this video. Thank you for this, honestly.
@FlyingMonkies325 We're not all the same. I imagined it as a gentle reminder, if they were stil on their phone (comment was 2 hours old). You say you don't like to share what you're doing to protect yourself from the expectations of others - this person already shared what they're trying to do. So you're not the same in that regard. Some people need some sort of urgency or accountability to get off their ass, and doing things for others (even when you're doing it for yourself, if that makes sense) is more effective.
@@l.s.11 I did actually!! I brute forced the first task by making it small. I decided to start with getting dirty laundry up first, then went basically by category. Ended up with 4 bags to donate and 3 bags to throw away I have more to do but today is emotional support salsa day where I make home made salsa and home made tacos, then I’ll continue 🫰🏻
That’s amazing! Recently, with me moving out the house, out my mother has been out buying a lot of things. I didn’t realize that telling her not to was actually just making her shopping addiction worse…
I've unknowingly been doing this and always wondered why I felt better some days tackling my GAD than others. It's because those days I set out to do small menial tasks like cleaning, reading, or going for a walk. That allows me to do larger tasks like scheduling an appointment, attending a social event solo, or trying new things.
When I look at my dishes and it feels like it is too hard to do them, then looking at dirty dishes makes you think you are depressed because that's what depressed people do and then when you do the dishes you feel less depressed because you don't have a pile of dishes telling you that you are depressed.
@katherinegeorge4945 try only doing half the dishes.... but be very very gentle with yourself...maybe promise to do the other half later while your making a cuppa...
So true! When I put effort into cleaning and tidying my surroundings, I feel so much better, because I look around and have real evidence that I've worked hard and have a comfortable, clean environment around me. I feel happy and proud of myself that I've done something good, which encourages me to do more 😊 When I don't, however, I go further and further into the "I'm awful, I can't do anything, I haven't even done the dishes" mindset that leads to a total dead end.
I've come back to this a lot the last year. With my country (canada) collapsing, no good leaders on the entire planet, misleading media, shitty economies, evil corpo rats always putting their hands out and demanding more for less all the time... and thats in the 'good' part of the world. It reminds me to focus on what i can control, and gives me perspective. Thanks Dr. K.
Wow, that makes so much sense. Lately I've been hitting the gym, trying to eat better, doing martial arts and it's amazing that despite the hours and energy you spend doing those activities, you get so much more energy to do other things in your life.
This explains so much. I've been overwhelmed by passive challenges life threw at me for almost a year now, which left me in a complete slump. I randomly decided to start doing stuff that I figured would be very difficult for me (hobbies, hygiene, writing that *&$@^ thesis)... and expected everything to get worse. But it got better! My anxiety went down, and I've been feeling more accomplished. I thought that was a fluke - good to know I can weaponise this mechanism! 🎉
Need a lot longer video on this topic. It hit all the checkboxes for me. It feels so relieving when someone describes your problem so accurately. Just knowing that u are not the only one and insane for feeling these things helps a lot. Watching this video made my overwhelm shrink a little.
This makes a ton of sense. My cat started chemo recently, I've had her for 8 years and I can't imagine losing her. Her symptoms cause me to do all day monitoring, complex medication combinations, and getting up at night every night. Ever since her health has started its downward spiral, I have become obsessed with cleaning, organizing and arranging everything I own. It's not a new hobby I have any time for - it was just doing something for me mentally to focus on this. I believe this is why.
Yes, I find that doing something simple with my hands like the dishes, cooking, laundry or gardening helps me process and calm my mind during overwhelming times.
@@theorizedtech same haha, youre telling me now i have to go and take on even more challenges? even when im overwhelmed? man i just want to close my eyes and not wake up hahaha
Yeah, I can relate, my mom yells at me most time to study, she does it even though I was already studying. When exams are over and if I get 49/50, she will be asking where did that one mark go and who is the first in class. It became worse in the time of covid always blaming I am wasting time with mobile even though I am studying. Now after graduation I am afraid to even attempt an interview because I am afraid of making mistakes. Thanks to this man now I at least knew what my problem is.
Just remember that the active Challenge can become a passive one If you Just do it "because it is gonna Help you feel better". That is what happened to me. Self Care became a passive Challenge. I now try to Put in Things that I randomly chose to do. Feels good and accomplishing.
This so much! If I'm doing the active challenge because it's supposed to help me it's no longer active. It's something I should do to feel better, it's a demand, not a choice. For me everything can become a passive challenge that way, even fun and rest (it's good and healthy so I feel like I have to do that).
@@art-van I did! After I was feeling sorry for myself, I started applying on Linkedin and other job posting sites. I even went on Fiverr for them to revamp my resume. I ended up getting a job maybe a few weeks after. I was fortunate to have a ton of experience which made me desirable. For people with no work experience, it's more difficult than I can imagine. But there is a TON of job postings online and just keep applying even if they ask for experience. Aim for like 100+ applications a week. I even applied to be the CEO of Knotts LOL, of course I didn't get it, but you never know.
@@1bathroom For sure! This was so long ago! But I remember that I got to a point where I was ready to send my resume EVERYWHERE. Almost sorta desperate, but just confident that I can get lucky. TLDR, I eventually got 3 job offers and went with the job that looked the most fun and engaging in the office (all were accounting related) Choose a luxury furniture company and currently been there for a year and 3 months. I'm currently choosing to leave because I got bored and learned everything I could. I'm expecting to have as much job offers as I did previously.
I think this is a great and useful video. I wanted to add that a supposed active challenge can quickly turn into a passive challenge. Say you're trying to learn guitar, but every time you sit down, it triggers a bunch of self destructive things in you: "What if I'm not good enough?", "What if I'm not learning the technique the right way?", "aah I'm so bad at this I'll never be good at it". Suddenly you're dealing with a lot of passive challenges that your mind is throwing at you, and then you start to get overwhelmed again. So you have to pick an active challenge that isn't going to trigger a bunch of things in you!
My god this man just talks in a way that makes me feel seen. I'm so thankful for finding his channel. I've been able to examine and identify so many things within myself since finding it.
Reminds me of this great quote: "If you make your bed every morning, you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter. If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right. And, if by chance you have a miserable day, you will come home to a bed that is made-that you made-and a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better. If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed."
This is SO much more helpful and productive than the usual shaming / pushy advice that tells you to just do things. Explaining it this way is reducing pressure and makes it so much more effective. Thank you.
You are literally changing my mindset. I finally understand why i went through a huge depression spiral and was really stressed. Its not fixed, just a better understanding, which will lead to it getting better. Thank you so much!!!
7:38 - "This is where being overwhelmed becomes kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, where once our passive challenges rise and we start to feel overwhelmed then we engage in avoidance behaviors and the cycle repeats itself."
I always had a problem cleaning my apartment, but recently my girlfriend broke up with me and in the process I am trying to quit my year long weed addiction. Cleaning, vacuuming and washing the dishes helped me tremendously. Also having fitness goals have me a purpose in a time of real identity crisis
As a stay at home mom, I can really relate. I have been feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities and tasks as a mom. And instead of doing zero active tasks, which made me feel worse, I started doing stuff outside of the home, like sports and hobbies and it made my inactive tasks feel much much less overwhelming. Good stuff dr. Thankyou for this!
I was wondering how to apply this as a new SAHM and FTM. The thankless tasks seem infinite. We’ve just moved and are getting over a stomach virus, so the amount of cleaning and organizing that needs done is notably more than normal. Anywho, thanks for your comment, it’s given me some ideas!
Thanks for sharing! I've always been a little nervous about becoming a mom someday for those reasons, but knowing that you really can maintain enough control to not constantly be overwhelmed is really encouraging.
just to validate you apparently, the salary a stay at home mom would make taking into account all the labor, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, would be about $150,000. i read this several years ago, so it's probably more now. never compare your 24/7 hour labor to another's 8/5 labor, with lots of rest and time to disengage in between, not to mention the lack of responsibility for an entire life, that you do not have. it's sad and if only domestic labor were valued more by society. seems they think women just sort of sit around at home all day.
This is literally the definition of why you hate doing the dishes once someone tells you to do them - it suddenly becomes a passive challenge instead of an active one.
After having been 'stuck' for years in a state in which I get overwhelmed incredibly quickly, I think I truly need *this.* I've already noticed that all the times I go out and do something, 'dare' to do something, and experience something fun and/or challenging ~ but I chose for it... that I feel so much in control. I feel confident and hopeful for my life again. It brings tears to my eyes to think that I'm going to get better, and this advice is one of the tools I'm gonna use. Thank you 💚
This is exactly the problem I dealt with when I was in college, and exactly the thing that finally helped me start tackling that depression. I felt very overwhelmed because it was too much work and I didn't want to do any of it. My initial reaction was to cut out things that I wanted to do because I felt like I had to address these exams and assignments first. The problem was that I could spend all day every day working on school, and often did, which really broke me after doing it for so long. I finally realized that the only way I could take control of my life back was to set aside a time that I would not let school touch, so that I could start FEELING like I had agency in my own life. The trick is that when you feel like you don't have control, you basically have to prove to yourself "I AM in control of my life, not XYZ. Look I'm doing what I want to do DESPITE the fact that I feel huge pressured to do otherwise. This external force doesn't get to dictate how I live my life." It's absolutely about the feeling of agency.
Your comment made me think what could be the consequences or implications of holding a strong belief in determinism, the philosophical view in which you don't have real agency or free will. Maybe its a bit unhealthy to hold that view in these respects, asides others.
i wish i could realize things like this. it never hit me. i have to be told every little thing about life and just suffer. i suffered my entire degree when i actually never had to. it was all so simple.
DUDE! I've heard "just focus on what you CAN control" which seemed like a feel-good thing that doesn't really work. But wording it the way you did in this video makes SO MUCH SENSE! Thank you!
this makes a lot of sense. i’ve been going to the gym and see it as almost as my therapist. serotonin and other hormonal benefits aside, i think it comes down to make me feel more in control, and thus, less overwhelmed.
I just watched this again a year later and had an 'aha' moment. I used to tell my mom that the reason I i appear to be OCD, is that these are the only things I i do have control over. I can't stop a tax increase, but i can tackle my self imposed to do list. I guess my mind knew all along that this it what it needed to add a sense of control over the things I can't control. Thank you, I'm glad I rewatched it.
To summarize abit: Victory is indeed an absolutely busted healer of the mind. Challenge yourself to achieve your OWN victories with rules set by you. Its like working out with small weights and going to bigger ones over time. Always be striving to improve or test your abilities so that you can be sure of yourself that any of lifes challanges are sure to be overcame in your perspective.
Even though the active challenges don't solve the passive challenges, they give us the confidence and control we need in order to face those passive challenges. Thanks for this enlightening video Dr. K :)
Thank you Dr. K! I actually removed an active challenge for the sake of dealing with the passive challenges yesterday so your video really put my mindset back on track. Thank you!
I am stuck while packing for my holidays, a three weeks bike tour. There is just too many things to consider. And while my gf is really nice and willing to help, all of it feels so externally controlled, and I don't feel any inner motivation. Thanks to this video I now know what to do: find my own way of handling this situation. 💜
I've been homeless for over half of my life and through most of it I've traveled from town to town. I'm finally in a situation where I have somewhere to stay, but there are so so many things that need to be done to get my life together, a lot of them are out my of control. I have no one to teach me to drive and I can't for the life of me get all my paperwork together in order to get a job and I have no access to any social services to help where I'm at. I've been trying to work out, eat better, get better at playing music and quiet drinking and smoking. None of what I'm trying to improve on is really going to help my situation all that much, but now I understand why I've takenen on those challenges. I'm not honestly sure if I'll be able to get my life together at all in the near future, but I guess I'm just trying to work on what l can instead of being mentally consumed by what I can't control.
For someone that has been on self-improvement path for a long time and has changed a lot but has been feeling awful and crippled for months, let me tell this: somehow this video was really great and actually helpful, I'm really thankful to you.
Finally, this is the KEY to my problem in these past decades. Thank you Dr. K and Milanote. I think Milanote is the thing that I've always wanted. Love the catchphrase - "Get Organized, Stay Creative". It is the very thing that can help me (and many other people) to deal with overwhelmingness. Passive challenges can be organized, and being creative while organizing your milanote is the active challenge. Thank you.
omg and here i am, cancelling all my active challenges to reduce my feeling of being overwhelmed... i mean, if i dont have enough time in the day then it kinda makes sense but otherwise i have been propably sabotaging myself
This is sound advice. I’ve been doing this unconsciously, focusing more on active challenges than the passive ones and I can already see the positive impact it’s having on my life.
This really resonates. For the longest time I've been wanting be more active but feel like I have sort out my life issues first, the thought of doing something for myself just adds to the overwhelm.
I totally needed to hear this today. It explains so much. My biggest passive problem is perimenopause emotions and surprisingly cleaning or organizing a sock drawer makes it so much easier for me to control my unruly emotions.
I'm so glad to see a psychiatrist show a true interest in the psychology and environmental factors of mental health (and the non-medication solutions!) My personal experiences with psychiatrists were always a disinterest in knowing anything about me, my life, and my past, and simply pushing medications that make me physically and mentally worse off in the long-run (until I feel the relief of finally giving up on them). I love that you see the big picture! Keep doing what you do, people need this insight and sustainable life-long solutions 👍. I see this very pattern in my own past, and now I see why I ended up in such a helpless place in life and lost faith in my ability to rise to the occasion. These days I do seek out opportunities to prove to myself that I'm capable.
I was in such a good mental state last year and I lost it. This activation was what was doing it for me. Thank you so much for helping me pin point what the cause was and how I can get back!
Thanks for all you do for us, Dr. K! Your videos are wonderful and really palatable for most people. You have a lot of good things to say about mental health! ☀️☀️
This makes SO much sense! It doesn't even remotely make logical sense but in reality it's the very thing that we need to understand most when we're overwhelmed
I found a lot of this out on my own with the active challenges helping me from not being overwhelmed by the passive ones. Only when I loaded myself with active challenges do I ever successfully find motivation. I’m glad you’re bringing more light onto the topic!
Time to outpour my heart: Been dealing with feeling overwhelmed by house chores for like 8 years now. Always thought i have a very quantifyable amount of energy i had to give toward anything that i had to push myself a little bit for. me partly putting my "mental energy bar," "emotional energy bar," and "pysical energy bar" all in one even though i kinda knew it to be false. But yeah was mainly sacrificing all sorts of things because i had no desire or was too tired to do the dishes or clothes. playing games since i was too tired to do the clothes, putting everything else on hold, wouldnt allow myself to push myself to try to hang with friends or push myself to be creative. i know i even try to math out if i have energy to cook and eat and when i should do that in the day. I know taxes were the hardest to this year. I probably ate 2 meals in 2&1/2 days due to depression/anxiety even though im somone who eats a ton. Part of that was prohibiting myself from eating in an attempt to motivate myself to do the taxes since eating already takes a good amount of energy when im down. Even kinda snapped at my dad with a text when he sent a text to remind me of doing my taxes. Yeah i was justified to tell him im 27 i dont need a reminder to do my taxes at this age but sigh. But yeah have alot of shame included in this and been actuallty being kind to myself lately over this past year which i feel like i can finally breathe. But yeah the inner voice of my parents putting unneeded pressure. Glad im making progress. (lil bit more a journal vomit since im having a hard time getting my thoughts out properly and need practice)
Oh my god, this problem has been haunting me for years and a 10 minute video has given me a solution! Thank you so much for creating this content for people to better understand how to improve their lives and mental health!!!
I think the same concept of challenging ourselves gives us more control is the same reason why the Dark Souls series helped many gamers tackle depression. The game is challenging and you just throw yourself at it and try different strats and when you get past those challenges it makes you feel good, confident. It gives you an internal locus of control and reward.
This explains soooo much of my behaviour. When I was told what to do it always suddenly became impossible for me to get done. It wasn't out of spite so I could never explain or understand it. Also doing something for fun was easy but doing the same thing with the pressure of having to achieve a good result changed the success rate exponentially. And currently I feel stuck and unable to get important things (passive tasks) done no matter how much I want to. So far I hardly ever allow myself to do other things instead due to the guilt that I should focus on getting those tasks done first before I can do something else. But it wasn't successful at all and listening to this I realised that by doing other things I get confirmation that I can achieve something, which will then make me feel more confident and able to tackle the things that currently feel impossible due to the ever increasing overwhelm. I finally not feel "mad" anymore and hopefully can move on with this knowledge. Thank you so much for this lightbulb moment 🙏🏻
Sounds like me procrastinating to do important things by doing everything else like having my room clean and organised, washing clothes, cleaning and so on. At the end of that I feel better but I still feel that I need to do the important thing, which eventually I do.
So, it boils down to a matter of choice and of control. Makes sense. From early childhood on, we have other people ordering us around; first it is parents, then teachers in school and from there we enter the world of work with bosses, bosses bosses and, well you know the hierarchy. When we feel that we have control it is because we have a goal that we chose, not one that is forced upon us. Such a simple concept, but, like many of the other important things in life, so easy to overlook or discount. Thank you for this vitally important advice!
I've always felt better when I've done little things like clean up around my apartment when I'm feeling down, but I've never said that out loud before. But it's just so intuitive, isn't it. Outweigh the bad with all the good you CAN do.
wow i have been struggling for so long with my constant anxiety and havent been able to get professional help due to financial reasons. This simple video helped me so much in such a short time thank you so much!!!
I watched this video after taking a 3 km walk in the sunny morning, cooking up some rice with vegetables, doing the dishes and only then powering up the PC and launching youtube. Things I would not have done even a year ago. Let's get our stuff together everyone.
This is so useful. I've been feeling like this for a week now and have been neglecting my hobbies that I try to do at least a few times a week. Once I started doing my hobbies again I feel more calm and my mindset shifts. I feel like Im in control of my situation instead of feeling like things just happen to me.
Unfortunately, I get as much, if not more feelings of being overwhelmed when they are active challenges. I chose them, but I inaccurately judged the pitfalls & sadness overcame me, hence the overwhelming feelings. You are so right, though ... Doing the dishes, straightening up the dressing area ... Those things get you on the right path.👍🏽
I may be very wrong about this, because I'm just a stranger on the internet. But have you considered that maybe those challenges are not really active challenges? To give an example which is very common for me: I commonly start doing more and more the moment I feel any sort of progress. Which then overwhelms me. So maybe I have some growth in my social life, and I start building an entire task management strategy from scratch. In reality, I'm not choosing to do that, I'm being motivated by my fear which has been lingering for a while. The way I interpret it is, that if I take the challenge because of insecurity, it is actually a passive challenge. I'm not sure what solutions are typically appropriate, I know for me that the best thing is do things with no long term result. Because I'm insecure about the future, things like walking the dog and doing groceries help me focus much better.
For me, I've found that learning what challenges to pick has been just as much a part of the road to recovery as anything else. First I started out with grand stuff like "Oh lemme relearn the piano" and then I couldn't get myself to stick with it so I got depressed. But over time I lowered my expectations more and more and now I know that when I am having a down day the things I need to challenge myself to are the ones that will lay the foundation for bigger change. I may not be able to play the piano, but I can make myself breakfast, or I can brush my teeth twice in one day. And by setting my challenges to take care of my health or personal hygiene, that gives me a big boost in the following days to take on tasks that seem "bigger" in my mind. Everyone's different but maybe my experience will be helpful for someone(:
This is genius. Right now im so overwhelmed n feels like everything against me. Im BPD. Thought MY BPD was getting better, manageable but ive been struggling. Isolate myself from friends, seeing guys randomly not knowing what i want, and another issues occurred n so on in a vicsious cycle n not being able to think properly, just want to escapefrom reality. I just wanted to cry. This video helped me. I'll def try. Thank you Dr. K
As someone who started learning japanese, korean, mandarin languages, solving rubiks cube under 1 min, memorizing 500 binary digits in 5 mins and doing 15 proper pullups just because they're difficult now makes perfect sense - my life is a disaster and i cant control shit, but hey at least it was difficult and now i've acquired set of the utterly useless skills. Playing frustratingly difficult games also makes perfect sense. Anybody else in the "why the f do i played these difficult games" club ? Self medicating in bizarre ways since childhood.
That's exactly what I discovered by myself after I became a manager and was drowning. Paradoxically, adding tasks that I cared about made me less overwhelmed, even though in total I had more tasks.
I know comments like this get posted all the time but it is actually insane how timely some of these videos arrive in my notifications. This is the exact video I needed RIGHT NOW. Thank you to all of you at HGG for doing what you do.
This seems really similar to sort of the "hack" for feeling a lack of motivation. Rather than waiting for the feeling of motivation to come, you go ahead and say, "I will work on something, even if it's just for five minutes" and you use the momentum of starting to carry you through to doing much more. I think this is even more comprehensive because it doesn't even restrict the action to one particular thing, it's just kind of "Get up and do something, anything" and then you get activated to behave differently overall. Great advice.
Wait I’ve done this by accident for most of my life. I’ve picked up so many extra nonsense but achievable challenges to make myself feel better when life got really tough. Cool to know there’s some validity and justification behind it.
Every time I’ll read one of your video titles and I think you probably won’t say anything I haven’t already heard and each time it is in fact something I’ve never heard but that helps out tremendously. Thank you so much
Doing the dishes & similiar stuff can also be seen as a step towards self-love, I'm cleaning up my apartment because I feel I'm worth it. Instead of "fck it, this doesn't change anything/it's not worth it" you do something. And yes, it's also tackling a small problem, one you can fix in the moment. So we go into a much more productive mode already. And larger struggles in our lives can be dealt with small steps, tackling smaller problems one at a time To me it makes perfect sense this works, you start small and once that works you can slowly start doing more again. Doing the dishes is just an example, it can be anything depending on your situation & who you are
This is cool!! I have naturally trained myself to do this over my lifetime all by myself. I have BPD, and life has always felt overwhelming and chaotic, and I've had many boughts of depression. So I've worked towards just taking on simple tasks that help me feel like I'm in control of my life more. It may not cognitively make sense to some people, but it makes perfect sense to me. Recently, I've been feeling overwhelmed and married they've of my life, who has untreated BPD. It has been very chaotic and has triggered a new round of depression and burnout for me. I'm trying to work out how to manage without turning to medication before I end up failing college. I came across this video and it is a great reminder. It also helped me remember that some of these out of control circumstances are actually part of what I CHOSE in the first place ❤ thanks Dr. K 😊 this really works.
this really helps! im overwhelmed by chronic pain and medical neglect, but i paused this video to take my daily polish lesson and it felt good! its gonna be hard to find challenges that don't cause me more pain or fatigue but i'll find something!
Simply finishing off your shower with 30 seconds of cold is a great active challenge. IN fact Wim Hof figured out that if you voluntarily confront the cold then it ceases to have any control over you. This is where he figured out so many incredible things like being able to influence the autonomic nervous system through voluntary and active breathing. It is all there!
@@JakeIsTiredd everything you need to fix yourself, is already within you my friend. You don't necessarily need to go straight to medication, you don't necessarily need to go straight to doctors, you need the breath and the cold.
Found this at just the right time, i've been unconsiously doing this at random times whenever i'm overwhelmed and it helps me get better. But i constantly forget how to do it from time to time. Having it be described so well helps immensely.
Any ideas for activation challenges for someone who is sick and bed-ridden? I've been sick whole May, its so frustrating to have my routine(running, weightlifting) taken away.
How about dexterity challenges? Like that thing people do where they roll a coin across their knuckles, or flipping and catching a quarter over and over without dropping it. Those would be physical, like the things you miss doing, but they shouldn't take as much energy. Plus, they look really cool and you can look like an antihero from a noir flick.
Spot on. My passive challenges increased significantly on Sep 1st and this has derailed my life. The thought of giving up my active challenges was depressing me out. I'm glad this isn't the answer!
Lol just this week I decided fuck it if the instant I get home from work my parents just gotta yell at the dog or do some bullshit to remind me how much I hate living here then I’m just gonna go full overtime at work. There’s a couple people who set my brain on fire there too but at least I’m actually saving up to move out for the first time in my life
He really nailed it. Explained it in a way everyone can understand. No huge complicated words like he's trying to sound smart. When people are dealing with stress that is no of control of our own, is so beyond frustrating it feels overwhelming because of how badly we want to control and or fix the situation.
That‘s why going to the gym increases my motivation in different areas of my life. Because it is an active challenge and completely unrelated to my other challenges.
I've been following this channel for a while, and I love it. I work in Special Education and I like to use these videos as resources. I really liked the video on gender dysphoria and ASD. What I really appreciated about that video was I think you linked the research in the description, or you at least named the study. I really enjoy reading research, and I like being able to provide others the research I use when I'm asserting something. The research you mention in this video sounds really fascinating, is it possible to link the research in your video descriptions more, or at least give the title of the studies so I can look them up on my own?
I didn't know the why behind it, but I have absolutely found this to be true. If life has me overwhelmed, I do a "mind dump"....just empty all the things I need to do or address into a notebook. Then I'll organize those things into categories, like cleaning, repair,organization,errands, computer or office work,bills,specific issues or problems I don't have answers to yet,etc. Once it's all out of my head,if I just take action and start to do something, I'll feel much better. Sometimes I'll immediately pick from the list, and sometimes I'll just exercise and shower, then start by cleaning my room
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I really think I'm that guy, I started eating way less when I started living alone, i'm -10kg since then, but I was very chubby so i liked it? but idk I might have eating disorder what should I do
what if active challenges feel overwhelming too? is there i trick to help with that?
Thank you for this video AND for demoing this product. Would be insanely helpful.
This advice and insight is incredible Thank You!!!
@@dioguito I think one major solution is (sleep but also) to create a consistent safe space for yourself to just sit and just feel what you've gone through *without distractions* in the day or in your past even. I've been developing bad eating habits lately because I need *SLEEEEEEP* . Lack of sleep makes a huge craving for extra carbs and I would highly recommend just googling how sleep effects your cravings and mental health because its *incredibly important* .
No wonder i got absolutely nothing done while living with my parents. They would tell me everything i should do, and the more they told me the less i actually did stuff. Everything, from doing the dishes to going to partys, as soon as they told me it went from an active to a passive challenge in my mind and my motivation would drop below zero.
I'm currently in that situation myself and life feels the heaviest it ever has been, if you don't mind me asking how did you get out of it?
@@SirWolfykins tbh if you have controlling and/or emotionally abusive parents the main way to solve will be getting out and get some therapy (cbt). If you are too young, or need to stay with them is a mix of what Dr. K said and going out, study in your school/uni instead, go out with friends. Chores and everything else at home will be a secondary thing that you'll have to fit in with the rest of your plans, and so, those become something you need to do, but not your main focus. Also, don't give your parents too many details about your emotions if they are abusive, they'll use it againt you and manipulate you like 'you are never here, it's like i'm living by myself' etc. Hopefully you just have anxious parents that want to support you but are not helping, if they love you and are not abusive you can talk to them and maybe you'll figure out a new system together :)
@@SirWolfykins i mean one thing is that i moved out 😅, but i also told them (often) that its counterproductive if they tell me what to do. They eventually understood this and stopped, tho it took quite a while. It must have been pretty hard for them i believe, since they were doing this out of love. So i guess you gotta be understanding for their pov too.
I lived through a situation where I had to eventually sit my mother down and ask her not to keep telling me how to spend my time. She protested but I was surprised that afterwards she actually stopped and things got a lot better. Just simply talking does so much. Your parents do care about you and they want to do the right things but they often don't know how.
So relatable. Like, I get home from uni and I'm motivated to cook, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, clean my room and do assignments or study but then my mother tells me to do the one of those things and suddenly I lose all motivation to do anything
This is why overbearing parents can be so deadly. They take all your active challenges and make them passive challenges.
Very good point!
Good observation. They create adults who can't deal with anything.
Holy cr*p, that's so relatable! :(
@FlyingMonkies325 you described my life, I'm trying not to cry here
@FlyingMonkies325 how do we? I related a lot, however, I haven’t lived with a parent in about 5 years and have my own place across the world in an entirely different country, environment, and culture… yet my mental state is still as if I am with them. It’s transitioned into my romantic and friendly relationships as well, which is a tad bit scary. So, anyone who’s reading this, related, and has moved past it, how did you do it?
That explains why I procrastinate by doing other things instead of solving the main problem.
Nah you're just grinding for experience doing the side quests😂
I’m so thankful that this isn’t just me wtf I thought it was just my ADHD loop and my brain was breaking
That one SpongeBob episode in a nutshell.
@@D_Jilla which one?
@@AdamSaudagar The one about procrastination lol
It’s like going back and doing a bunch of side quests because the main story boss looks difficult, once we do enough the boss doesn’t seem as difficult and we might get skills that end up helping us in the fight.
Thank you for helping us gamers understand better :)
Literally gaining experience
I like to think that it's more like rusting off your gears by crafting your own quest, instead of taking on an assigned one
that's good analogy 👏👏👏
Try doing that in Dead Rising 🤣
This channel is like discovering a Demon's Souls guide after dying 150 times in the first area, you wish you had known it all from the start but just thinking how many people will find and be helped by this makes you smile. Thank you for everything Dr K!
The only difference is that the community here is way more supportive with new people discovering the content
Don't you dare go hollow
@@JLchevz I'll wear the untrue dark ring instead...
If you’re playing a Souls game with a guide you completely missed the point and are playing it “wrong”.
@@Miha-ii3dy if you tell people they're playing games wrong, you think you're doing it right and that's wrong
Resonates with the opening of the Serenity Prayer: “Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
😮😊
Amen 🙏🙏
Yes! So true. It also reminds me of a question I heard once: "Is this my business, their business, or God's business?"
I dont have an eating disorder but ive always found that putting more effort into cooking is the first step to getting out of a slump. Going out of my way to make even just pasta for dinner, rather than a pile of granola bars or a microwave meal or ordering out, always gives me a sense of control and agency.
That’s a great tip 🙂 it gives a sense of accomplishment and it feels nice to do something good for oneself.
well done, great recoginition, you could take it further and find passion in cooking for the sake of health. there is something satisfying and reassuring about fuelling your body with the best ingredients. I have found diet important in mental health. Maybe look at more delicious dishes, which also incorporate a range of vegetables and flavours. I like mousaka, u should try make one some time. anything that minimises on carbs is great
I read this comment as I'm eating a pile of granola bars as my one meal for the day. Poignant. I'll try it thanks.
couldn't agree more! I've been putting more effort into my food recently and it's helping me get out of my appetite issues.
for me it’s washing the dishes. it sucks getting up for it but i feel so accomplished and ready for more tasks after washing them
I was scared to even click on this video because recently I've been so overwhelmed with everything I couldn't add more self awareness to it but still I did click on this video and I'm so glad I did I genuinely feel better and also motivated to tackle everything that's in my way. Thank you Doc, you're an absolutely incredible human being.
You got this Aanaa. This is your reminder to relax and do things that make you feel like you have control over your life.
This was exactly how I felt, specially the self-awareness part
Same!
This is 100% true. For the longest time I felt like I was drowning in a foot of water. I was struggling to do the bare minimum in my life. Things changed once I started challenging myself in things that I was able to control. Changed everything
Wow. I mean, WOW. This info may help me change my life and outlook and emotional state completely. Thanks, Billy, for verifying it. I believe the doc, but it's always helpful to hear from someone it actually worked for.
@@falconbritt5461 good luck ❤
@@falconbritt5461 go for it! I’m rooting for ya
Drowning in a foot of water is what I'm feeling right now. Thanks for putting words to it. Stealing this phrase.
AOE Healing right here, people. Take a good look at its stunning beauty ✨️
Recently I stopped pursuing all active challenges I had to only focus on the massive amount of passive challenges and I've started feeling completely overwhelmed to the point of being paralyzed. Maybe this man knows what he's talking about
This is me too. Why am I unproductive? Because exhausted, because overwhelmed, because everywhere I look are obligations, because I prioritize obligations over wishes. Listening to Dr k, I realised somehow I have a slightly skew notion of "sacrifice" that leads to this.
Sounds exactly like me!!! Because I thought "now I can focus on this difficult stuff", but instead I became paralyzed!
That explains why telling yourself "I I must do this" is so corrosive. I often set goals for myself and then tell myself "I must do them", instead of holding on to the original "I want to do this."
This is a big one. Discovered this myself during a positive period of time and realised how important of a piece it was. Don't "I have to make my bed", rather "I want a tidy & positive room"
It feels so good when someone much more knowledgeable than me puts my feelings into words so eloquently.
Indeed, taking on more challenges made me feel SO much better: a month and a half ago I started working out. I couldn't work out in the evenings because of social life, so I decided - I have to force myself to go to sleep early to wake up early. Bam, two challenges in one. While I'm working out at home, I have a lot of free time while resting between the sets. So, why waste that time? Bam, done the dishes. Bam, took out the laundry. Workout is done and I still have time to take a shower and take a walk at my own pace (instead of rushing) to my work. Just one good decision led to many other healthy ones.
If anybody reads this, heed my words: it takes one small step. One choice. And even if you fail, you still can get up and try again. What matters is that you try - and those who try succeed. Good luck!
Just wondering, what the heck is your exercise? How are you able to wash the dishes in-between sets, is it because dishes take less than 5 minutes, and you literally workout near the kitchen? Sounds so weird cause resting period is supposed to let you fully recover from fatigue before pushing your muscles to the limit again with the next set (if building muscle is the main goal)
@@Crustee0 it's simple bodyweight mixed with weights workout, I start with pull-ups and yeah, I do it near the kitchen (the pull-up bar was installed before I moved into this apartment). Since rest time is usually set to 2 minutes between sets, it's usually enough to do SOME dishes, but not all of them, so I come back like 3 or 4 times.
Congrats!!🎉🎉😊
You try, you fail
You try, you fail
But the only true failure
is when you stop trying.
That explains my negative feeling as a parent, so much more „maintenance“ tasks to do and no time left for growth tasks
1.Passive challenges:-
Occurred by surroundings
2.Active challenges :-
You have taken
3.Increase the number of active challenges.
4.Behavioural activation
I think you are an ISTP personality
@@JustAnotherCommenter what? can you explain
@@JustAnotherCommenterWhat have you observed to make you arrive to that conclusion?
@@savstinks6847 what happened dear ?
@@okfine_33 oh they iust assigned u a personality type, it's called mbti, you can look it up
I’m trying to finally declutter all the stuff I’ve accumulated from stress buying over the years. It’s not an egregious amount but enough that I recognize it’s an issue.
I just wiggled i to bed because I was feeling overwhelmed and opened UA-cam and saw this video. Thank you for this, honestly.
Did you start decluttering? ;)
@FlyingMonkies325 We're not all the same.
I imagined it as a gentle reminder, if they were stil on their phone (comment was 2 hours old).
You say you don't like to share what you're doing to protect yourself from the expectations of others - this person already shared what they're trying to do. So you're not the same in that regard.
Some people need some sort of urgency or accountability to get off their ass, and doing things for others (even when you're doing it for yourself, if that makes sense) is more effective.
@@l.s.11 I did actually!!
I brute forced the first task by making it small. I decided to start with getting dirty laundry up first, then went basically by category. Ended up with 4 bags to donate and 3 bags to throw away
I have more to do but today is emotional support salsa day where I make home made salsa and home made tacos, then I’ll continue
🫰🏻
@@nd4856 You did the most important step - the first one! :D
That’s amazing! Recently, with me moving out the house, out my mother has been out buying a lot of things. I didn’t realize that telling her not to was actually just making her shopping addiction worse…
I've unknowingly been doing this and always wondered why I felt better some days tackling my GAD than others. It's because those days I set out to do small menial tasks like cleaning, reading, or going for a walk. That allows me to do larger tasks like scheduling an appointment, attending a social event solo, or trying new things.
When I look at my dishes and it feels like it is too hard to do them, then looking at dirty dishes makes you think you are depressed because that's what depressed people do and then when you do the dishes you feel less depressed because you don't have a pile of dishes telling you that you are depressed.
@katherinegeorge4945 try only doing half the dishes.... but be very very gentle with yourself...maybe promise to do the other half later while your making a cuppa...
@ellisburton8733 I nearly finished all my washing up yesterday. Even did the oven pans. Xxx
So true! When I put effort into cleaning and tidying my surroundings, I feel so much better, because I look around and have real evidence that I've worked hard and have a comfortable, clean environment around me. I feel happy and proud of myself that I've done something good, which encourages me to do more 😊 When I don't, however, I go further and further into the "I'm awful, I can't do anything, I haven't even done the dishes" mindset that leads to a total dead end.
@glkification we also have a spiritual enemy who will condemn us for our mistakes, but there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Well done.
I've come back to this a lot the last year. With my country (canada) collapsing, no good leaders on the entire planet, misleading media, shitty economies, evil corpo rats always putting their hands out and demanding more for less all the time... and thats in the 'good' part of the world. It reminds me to focus on what i can control, and gives me perspective. Thanks Dr. K.
Wow, that makes so much sense. Lately I've been hitting the gym, trying to eat better, doing martial arts and it's amazing that despite the hours and energy you spend doing those activities, you get so much more energy to do other things in your life.
This explains so much. I've been overwhelmed by passive challenges life threw at me for almost a year now, which left me in a complete slump. I randomly decided to start doing stuff that I figured would be very difficult for me (hobbies, hygiene, writing that *&$@^ thesis)... and expected everything to get worse. But it got better! My anxiety went down, and I've been feeling more accomplished. I thought that was a fluke - good to know I can weaponise this mechanism! 🎉
Need a lot longer video on this topic. It hit all the checkboxes for me. It feels so relieving when someone describes your problem so accurately. Just knowing that u are not the only one and insane for feeling these things helps a lot. Watching this video made my overwhelm shrink a little.
I completely agree with your comment 👍
This makes a ton of sense. My cat started chemo recently, I've had her for 8 years and I can't imagine losing her. Her symptoms cause me to do all day monitoring, complex medication combinations, and getting up at night every night. Ever since her health has started its downward spiral, I have become obsessed with cleaning, organizing and arranging everything I own. It's not a new hobby I have any time for - it was just doing something for me mentally to focus on this. I believe this is why.
1:48 is exactly why I’m feeling overwhelmed. Now that I have this perspective, I can pursue my challenges in a different mindset.
Yes, I find that doing something simple with my hands like the dishes, cooking, laundry or gardening helps me process and calm my mind during overwhelming times.
What a timing. Been feeling overwhelmed most of the day, because so many people contact me at once all of a sudden.
I feel overwhelmed about watching this video about... feeling overwhelmed ...paradoxical 😆
@@theorizedtech same haha, youre telling me now i have to go and take on even more challenges? even when im overwhelmed? man i just want to close my eyes and not wake up hahaha
2 minutes in and I already feel the gold that Dr.K has bestowed upon us
Yeah, I can relate, my mom yells at me most time to study, she does it even though I was already studying. When exams are over and if I get 49/50, she will be asking where did that one mark go and who is the first in class. It became worse in the time of covid always blaming I am wasting time with mobile even though I am studying. Now after graduation I am afraid to even attempt an interview because I am afraid of making mistakes. Thanks to this man now I at least knew what my problem is.
Just remember that the active Challenge can become a passive one If you Just do it "because it is gonna Help you feel better". That is what happened to me. Self Care became a passive Challenge. I now try to Put in Things that I randomly chose to do. Feels good and accomplishing.
This so much! If I'm doing the active challenge because it's supposed to help me it's no longer active. It's something I should do to feel better, it's a demand, not a choice.
For me everything can become a passive challenge that way, even fun and rest (it's good and healthy so I feel like I have to do that).
I just got laid off on Thursday and washing the dishes was actually therapeutic 😮 you knew my thought pattern
@@JustAdudeBoy Have you regained employment? What was the process like?
@@art-van I did! After I was feeling sorry for myself, I started applying on Linkedin and other job posting sites. I even went on Fiverr for them to revamp my resume. I ended up getting a job maybe a few weeks after. I was fortunate to have a ton of experience which made me desirable. For people with no work experience, it's more difficult than I can imagine. But there is a TON of job postings online and just keep applying even if they ask for experience. Aim for like 100+ applications a week. I even applied to be the CEO of Knotts LOL, of course I didn't get it, but you never know.
update, if you so kindly could
@@1bathroom For sure! This was so long ago! But I remember that I got to a point where I was ready to send my resume EVERYWHERE. Almost sorta desperate, but just confident that I can get lucky. TLDR, I eventually got 3 job offers and went with the job that looked the most fun and engaging in the office (all were accounting related) Choose a luxury furniture company and currently been there for a year and 3 months.
I'm currently choosing to leave because I got bored and learned everything I could. I'm expecting to have as much job offers as I did previously.
I think this is a great and useful video. I wanted to add that a supposed active challenge can quickly turn into a passive challenge. Say you're trying to learn guitar, but every time you sit down, it triggers a bunch of self destructive things in you: "What if I'm not good enough?", "What if I'm not learning the technique the right way?", "aah I'm so bad at this I'll never be good at it". Suddenly you're dealing with a lot of passive challenges that your mind is throwing at you, and then you start to get overwhelmed again.
So you have to pick an active challenge that isn't going to trigger a bunch of things in you!
My god this man just talks in a way that makes me feel seen. I'm so thankful for finding his channel. I've been able to examine and identify so many things within myself since finding it.
Reminds me of this great quote:
"If you make your bed every morning, you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter. If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right. And, if by chance you have a miserable day, you will come home to a bed that is made-that you made-and a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better. If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed."
Wonderful quote. Do you know who said it? :)
This is SO much more helpful and productive than the usual shaming / pushy advice that tells you to just do things. Explaining it this way is reducing pressure and makes it so much more effective. Thank you.
You are literally changing my mindset. I finally understand why i went through a huge depression spiral and was really stressed. Its not fixed, just a better understanding, which will lead to it getting better. Thank you so much!!!
7:38 - "This is where being overwhelmed becomes kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, where once our passive challenges rise and we start to feel overwhelmed then we engage in avoidance behaviors and the cycle repeats itself."
I always had a problem cleaning my apartment, but recently my girlfriend broke up with me and in the process I am trying to quit my year long weed addiction. Cleaning, vacuuming and washing the dishes helped me tremendously. Also having fitness goals have me a purpose in a time of real identity crisis
The timing is always on point!! Thanks Dr. K and everyone who's on the HealthyGamerGG team!
As a stay at home mom, I can really relate. I have been feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities and tasks as a mom. And instead of doing zero active tasks, which made me feel worse, I started doing stuff outside of the home, like sports and hobbies and it made my inactive tasks feel much much less overwhelming. Good stuff dr. Thankyou for this!
I was wondering how to apply this as a new SAHM and FTM. The thankless tasks seem infinite. We’ve just moved and are getting over a stomach virus, so the amount of cleaning and organizing that needs done is notably more than normal. Anywho, thanks for your comment, it’s given me some ideas!
Thanks for sharing! I've always been a little nervous about becoming a mom someday for those reasons, but knowing that you really can maintain enough control to not constantly be overwhelmed is really encouraging.
just to validate you apparently, the salary a stay at home mom would make taking into account all the labor, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, would be about $150,000. i read this several years ago, so it's probably more now. never compare your 24/7 hour labor to another's 8/5 labor, with lots of rest and time to disengage in between, not to mention the lack of responsibility for an entire life, that you do not have. it's sad and if only domestic labor were valued more by society. seems they think women just sort of sit around at home all day.
This is literally the definition of why you hate doing the dishes once someone tells you to do them - it suddenly becomes a passive challenge instead of an active one.
After having been 'stuck' for years in a state in which I get overwhelmed incredibly quickly, I think I truly need *this.*
I've already noticed that all the times I go out and do something, 'dare' to do something, and experience something fun and/or challenging ~ but I chose for it... that I feel so much in control. I feel confident and hopeful for my life again. It brings tears to my eyes to think that I'm going to get better, and this advice is one of the tools I'm gonna use. Thank you 💚
This is exactly the problem I dealt with when I was in college, and exactly the thing that finally helped me start tackling that depression.
I felt very overwhelmed because it was too much work and I didn't want to do any of it. My initial reaction was to cut out things that I wanted to do because I felt like I had to address these exams and assignments first. The problem was that I could spend all day every day working on school, and often did, which really broke me after doing it for so long.
I finally realized that the only way I could take control of my life back was to set aside a time that I would not let school touch, so that I could start FEELING like I had agency in my own life.
The trick is that when you feel like you don't have control, you basically have to prove to yourself "I AM in control of my life, not XYZ. Look I'm doing what I want to do DESPITE the fact that I feel huge pressured to do otherwise. This external force doesn't get to dictate how I live my life." It's absolutely about the feeling of agency.
Wow that's a cool way to put it. I think that "talking back to the overwhelm" idea is great.
Your comment made me think what could be the consequences or implications of holding a strong belief in determinism, the philosophical view in which you don't have real agency or free will. Maybe its a bit unhealthy to hold that view in these respects, asides others.
i wish i could realize things like this. it never hit me. i have to be told every little thing about life and just suffer. i suffered my entire degree when i actually never had to. it was all so simple.
DUDE!
I've heard "just focus on what you CAN control" which seemed like a feel-good thing that doesn't really work. But wording it the way you did in this video makes SO MUCH SENSE!
Thank you!
this makes a lot of sense. i’ve been going to the gym and see it as almost as my therapist. serotonin and other hormonal benefits aside, i think it comes down to make me feel more in control, and thus, less overwhelmed.
I just watched this again a year later and had an 'aha' moment. I used to tell my mom that the reason I i appear to be OCD, is that these are the only things I i do have control over. I can't stop a tax increase, but i can tackle my self imposed to do list. I guess my mind knew all along that this it what it needed to add a sense of control over the things I can't control. Thank you, I'm glad I rewatched it.
To summarize abit: Victory is indeed an absolutely busted healer of the mind. Challenge yourself to achieve your OWN victories with rules set by you. Its like working out with small weights and going to bigger ones over time. Always be striving to improve or test your abilities so that you can be sure of yourself that any of lifes challanges are sure to be overcame in your perspective.
Even though the active challenges don't solve the passive challenges, they give us the confidence and control we need in order to face those passive challenges. Thanks for this enlightening video Dr. K :)
Thank you Dr. K! I actually removed an active challenge for the sake of dealing with the passive challenges yesterday so your video really put my mindset back on track. Thank you!
I am stuck while packing for my holidays, a three weeks bike tour. There is just too many things to consider. And while my gf is really nice and willing to help, all of it feels so externally controlled, and I don't feel any inner motivation. Thanks to this video I now know what to do: find my own way of handling this situation. 💜
The imbalance of challenges is one of my favourite old VODs of yours. I'm realy glad you turned this into a standalone video.
I've been homeless for over half of my life and through most of it I've traveled from town to town. I'm finally in a situation where I have somewhere to stay, but there are so so many things that need to be done to get my life together, a lot of them are out my of control. I have no one to teach me to drive and I can't for the life of me get all my paperwork together in order to get a job and I have no access to any social services to help where I'm at. I've been trying to work out, eat better, get better at playing music and quiet drinking and smoking. None of what I'm trying to improve on is really going to help my situation all that much, but now I understand why I've takenen on those challenges. I'm not honestly sure if I'll be able to get my life together at all in the near future, but I guess I'm just trying to work on what l can instead of being mentally consumed by what I can't control.
For someone that has been on self-improvement path for a long time and has changed a lot but has been feeling awful and crippled for months, let me tell this: somehow this video was really great and actually helpful, I'm really thankful to you.
💯
Finally, this is the KEY to my problem in these past decades. Thank you Dr. K and Milanote. I think Milanote is the thing that I've always wanted. Love the catchphrase - "Get Organized, Stay Creative". It is the very thing that can help me (and many other people) to deal with overwhelmingness. Passive challenges can be organized, and being creative while organizing your milanote is the active challenge. Thank you.
omg and here i am, cancelling all my active challenges to reduce my feeling of being overwhelmed... i mean, if i dont have enough time in the day then it kinda makes sense but otherwise i have been propably sabotaging myself
This is sound advice. I’ve been doing this unconsciously, focusing more on active challenges than the passive ones and I can already see the positive impact it’s having on my life.
Just realizing my mom a narcissist. This video helped a lot
This really resonates. For the longest time I've been wanting be more active but feel like I have sort out my life issues first, the thought of doing something for myself just adds to the overwhelm.
I totally needed to hear this today. It explains so much. My biggest passive problem is perimenopause emotions and surprisingly cleaning or organizing a sock drawer makes it so much easier for me to control my unruly emotions.
I'm so glad to see a psychiatrist show a true interest in the psychology and environmental factors of mental health (and the non-medication solutions!) My personal experiences with psychiatrists were always a disinterest in knowing anything about me, my life, and my past, and simply pushing medications that make me physically and mentally worse off in the long-run (until I feel the relief of finally giving up on them). I love that you see the big picture! Keep doing what you do, people need this insight and sustainable life-long solutions 👍. I see this very pattern in my own past, and now I see why I ended up in such a helpless place in life and lost faith in my ability to rise to the occasion. These days I do seek out opportunities to prove to myself that I'm capable.
I was in such a good mental state last year and I lost it. This activation was what was doing it for me. Thank you so much for helping me pin point what the cause was and how I can get back!
Thanks a lot for this revelation
Thanks for all you do for us, Dr. K! Your videos are wonderful and really palatable for most people. You have a lot of good things to say about mental health! ☀️☀️
This makes SO much sense! It doesn't even remotely make logical sense but in reality it's the very thing that we need to understand most when we're overwhelmed
I found a lot of this out on my own with the active challenges helping me from not being overwhelmed by the passive ones.
Only when I loaded myself with active challenges do I ever successfully find motivation.
I’m glad you’re bringing more light onto the topic!
Time to outpour my heart: Been dealing with feeling overwhelmed by house chores for like 8 years now. Always thought i have a very quantifyable amount of energy i had to give toward anything that i had to push myself a little bit for. me partly putting my "mental energy bar," "emotional energy bar," and "pysical energy bar" all in one even though i kinda knew it to be false. But yeah was mainly sacrificing all sorts of things because i had no desire or was too tired to do the dishes or clothes. playing games since i was too tired to do the clothes, putting everything else on hold, wouldnt allow myself to push myself to try to hang with friends or push myself to be creative. i know i even try to math out if i have energy to cook and eat and when i should do that in the day. I know taxes were the hardest to this year. I probably ate 2 meals in 2&1/2 days due to depression/anxiety even though im somone who eats a ton. Part of that was prohibiting myself from eating in an attempt to motivate myself to do the taxes since eating already takes a good amount of energy when im down. Even kinda snapped at my dad with a text when he sent a text to remind me of doing my taxes. Yeah i was justified to tell him im 27 i dont need a reminder to do my taxes at this age but sigh. But yeah have alot of shame included in this and been actuallty being kind to myself lately over this past year which i feel like i can finally breathe. But yeah the inner voice of my parents putting unneeded pressure. Glad im making progress. (lil bit more a journal vomit since im having a hard time getting my thoughts out properly and need practice)
Oh my god, this problem has been haunting me for years and a 10 minute video has given me a solution! Thank you so much for creating this content for people to better understand how to improve their lives and mental health!!!
This should be required viewing for all people at all ages
I think the same concept of challenging ourselves gives us more control is the same reason why the Dark Souls series helped many gamers tackle depression. The game is challenging and you just throw yourself at it and try different strats and when you get past those challenges it makes you feel good, confident. It gives you an internal locus of control and reward.
This explains soooo much of my behaviour. When I was told what to do it always suddenly became impossible for me to get done. It wasn't out of spite so I could never explain or understand it. Also doing something for fun was easy but doing the same thing with the pressure of having to achieve a good result changed the success rate exponentially. And currently I feel stuck and unable to get important things (passive tasks) done no matter how much I want to. So far I hardly ever allow myself to do other things instead due to the guilt that I should focus on getting those tasks done first before I can do something else. But it wasn't successful at all and listening to this I realised that by doing other things I get confirmation that I can achieve something, which will then make me feel more confident and able to tackle the things that currently feel impossible due to the ever increasing overwhelm. I finally not feel "mad" anymore and hopefully can move on with this knowledge. Thank you so much for this lightbulb moment 🙏🏻
Sounds like me procrastinating to do important things by doing everything else like having my room clean and organised, washing clothes, cleaning and so on. At the end of that I feel better but I still feel that I need to do the important thing, which eventually I do.
So, it boils down to a matter of choice and of control. Makes sense. From early childhood on, we have other people ordering us around; first it is parents, then teachers in school and from there we enter the world of work with bosses, bosses bosses and, well you know the hierarchy. When we feel that we have control it is because we have a goal that we chose, not one that is forced upon us. Such a simple concept, but, like many of the other important things in life, so easy to overlook or discount. Thank you for this vitally important advice!
I've always felt better when I've done little things like clean up around my apartment when I'm feeling down, but I've never said that out loud before. But it's just so intuitive, isn't it. Outweigh the bad with all the good you CAN do.
wow i have been struggling for so long with my constant anxiety and havent been able to get professional help due to financial reasons. This simple video helped me so much in such a short time thank you so much!!!
I watched this video after taking a 3 km walk in the sunny morning, cooking up some rice with vegetables, doing the dishes and only then powering up the PC and launching youtube. Things I would not have done even a year ago.
Let's get our stuff together everyone.
This is so useful. I've been feeling like this for a week now and have been neglecting my hobbies that I try to do at least a few times a week. Once I started doing my hobbies again I feel more calm and my mindset shifts. I feel like Im in control of my situation instead of feeling like things just happen to me.
Unfortunately, I get as much, if not more feelings of being overwhelmed when they are active challenges.
I chose them, but I inaccurately judged the pitfalls & sadness overcame me, hence the overwhelming feelings.
You are so right, though ... Doing the dishes, straightening up the dressing area ... Those things get you on the right path.👍🏽
I may be very wrong about this, because I'm just a stranger on the internet. But have you considered that maybe those challenges are not really active challenges? To give an example which is very common for me: I commonly start doing more and more the moment I feel any sort of progress. Which then overwhelms me. So maybe I have some growth in my social life, and I start building an entire task management strategy from scratch. In reality, I'm not choosing to do that, I'm being motivated by my fear which has been lingering for a while. The way I interpret it is, that if I take the challenge because of insecurity, it is actually a passive challenge. I'm not sure what solutions are typically appropriate, I know for me that the best thing is do things with no long term result. Because I'm insecure about the future, things like walking the dog and doing groceries help me focus much better.
For me, I've found that learning what challenges to pick has been just as much a part of the road to recovery as anything else. First I started out with grand stuff like "Oh lemme relearn the piano" and then I couldn't get myself to stick with it so I got depressed. But over time I lowered my expectations more and more and now I know that when I am having a down day the things I need to challenge myself to are the ones that will lay the foundation for bigger change.
I may not be able to play the piano, but I can make myself breakfast, or I can brush my teeth twice in one day. And by setting my challenges to take care of my health or personal hygiene, that gives me a big boost in the following days to take on tasks that seem "bigger" in my mind.
Everyone's different but maybe my experience will be helpful for someone(:
@@damymetzke514 That makes so much sense, thanks for sharing your thoughts!
@@hereandnow3156 Thanks ... Good suggestions. You're a doll!
This is genius. Right now im so overwhelmed n feels like everything against me. Im BPD. Thought MY BPD was getting better, manageable but ive been struggling. Isolate myself from friends, seeing guys randomly not knowing what i want, and another issues occurred n so on in a vicsious cycle n not being able to think properly, just want to escapefrom reality. I just wanted to cry. This video helped me. I'll def try. Thank you Dr. K
VERY in sync with where I’ve been the last two weeks. Thank you, Dr. K. I’ll go ahead and implement that so I stay in this paralysized state. 🖤☠️✨
This guy is doing a service to humanity.
Glad to see someone is not poisoned by greed and helps people.
As someone who started learning japanese, korean, mandarin languages, solving rubiks cube under 1 min, memorizing 500 binary digits in 5 mins and doing 15 proper pullups just because they're difficult now makes perfect sense - my life is a disaster and i cant control shit, but hey at least it was difficult and now i've acquired set of the utterly useless skills. Playing frustratingly difficult games also makes perfect sense. Anybody else in the "why the f do i played these difficult games" club ?
Self medicating in bizarre ways since childhood.
That's exactly what I discovered by myself after I became a manager and was drowning. Paradoxically, adding tasks that I cared about made me less overwhelmed, even though in total I had more tasks.
I know comments like this get posted all the time but it is actually insane how timely some of these videos arrive in my notifications. This is the exact video I needed RIGHT NOW.
Thank you to all of you at HGG for doing what you do.
This seems really similar to sort of the "hack" for feeling a lack of motivation. Rather than waiting for the feeling of motivation to come, you go ahead and say, "I will work on something, even if it's just for five minutes" and you use the momentum of starting to carry you through to doing much more. I think this is even more comprehensive because it doesn't even restrict the action to one particular thing, it's just kind of "Get up and do something, anything" and then you get activated to behave differently overall. Great advice.
Wait I’ve done this by accident for most of my life. I’ve picked up so many extra nonsense but achievable challenges to make myself feel better when life got really tough. Cool to know there’s some validity and justification behind it.
Every time I’ll read one of your video titles and I think you probably won’t say anything I haven’t already heard and each time it is in fact something I’ve never heard but that helps out tremendously. Thank you so much
The topics are always so relevant. Maybe I should be worried about it 🤣
Doing the dishes & similiar stuff can also be seen as a step towards self-love, I'm cleaning up my apartment because I feel I'm worth it. Instead of "fck it, this doesn't change anything/it's not worth it" you do something.
And yes, it's also tackling a small problem, one you can fix in the moment. So we go into a much more productive mode already.
And larger struggles in our lives can be dealt with small steps, tackling smaller problems one at a time
To me it makes perfect sense this works, you start small and once that works you can slowly start doing more again. Doing the dishes is just an example, it can be anything depending on your situation & who you are
This is cool!!
I have naturally trained myself to do this over my lifetime all by myself.
I have BPD, and life has always felt overwhelming and chaotic, and I've had many boughts of depression. So I've worked towards just taking on simple tasks that help me feel like I'm in control of my life more.
It may not cognitively make sense to some people, but it makes perfect sense to me.
Recently, I've been feeling overwhelmed and married they've of my life, who has untreated BPD. It has been very chaotic and has triggered a new round of depression and burnout for me.
I'm trying to work out how to manage without turning to medication before I end up failing college. I came across this video and it is a great reminder.
It also helped me remember that some of these out of control circumstances are actually part of what I CHOSE in the first place ❤ thanks Dr. K 😊 this really works.
Perfect timing when literally my finals are just by next week
this really helps! im overwhelmed by chronic pain and medical neglect, but i paused this video to take my daily polish lesson and it felt good! its gonna be hard to find challenges that don't cause me more pain or fatigue but i'll find something!
Simply finishing off your shower with 30 seconds of cold is a great active challenge. IN fact Wim Hof figured out that if you voluntarily confront the cold then it ceases to have any control over you. This is where he figured out so many incredible things like being able to influence the autonomic nervous system through voluntary and active breathing. It is all there!
It's all where? What lol
@@JakeIsTiredd everything you need to fix yourself, is already within you my friend. You don't necessarily need to go straight to medication, you don't necessarily need to go straight to doctors, you need the breath and the cold.
@@XxKINGatLIFExX Oh, gotcha. That is true, depends on the situation though; always good to have both if possible. ^^
Found this at just the right time, i've been unconsiously doing this at random times whenever i'm overwhelmed and it helps me get better. But i constantly forget how to do it from time to time.
Having it be described so well helps immensely.
Any ideas for activation challenges for someone who is sick and bed-ridden?
I've been sick whole May, its so frustrating to have my routine(running, weightlifting) taken away.
How about dexterity challenges? Like that thing people do where they roll a coin across their knuckles, or flipping and catching a quarter over and over without dropping it. Those would be physical, like the things you miss doing, but they shouldn't take as much energy. Plus, they look really cool and you can look like an antihero from a noir flick.
Crochet or knitting?😊
Spot on. My passive challenges increased significantly on Sep 1st and this has derailed my life. The thought of giving up my active challenges was depressing me out. I'm glad this isn't the answer!
Lol just this week I decided fuck it if the instant I get home from work my parents just gotta yell at the dog or do some bullshit to remind me how much I hate living here then I’m just gonna go full overtime at work. There’s a couple people who set my brain on fire there too but at least I’m actually saving up to move out for the first time in my life
He really nailed it. Explained it in a way everyone can understand. No huge complicated words like he's trying to sound smart. When people are dealing with stress that is no of control of our own, is so beyond frustrating it feels overwhelming because of how badly we want to control and or fix the situation.
And thats why playing dark souls relives depression
That‘s why going to the gym increases my motivation in different areas of my life. Because it is an active challenge and completely unrelated to my other challenges.
I've been following this channel for a while, and I love it. I work in Special Education and I like to use these videos as resources. I really liked the video on gender dysphoria and ASD. What I really appreciated about that video was I think you linked the research in the description, or you at least named the study. I really enjoy reading research, and I like being able to provide others the research I use when I'm asserting something. The research you mention in this video sounds really fascinating, is it possible to link the research in your video descriptions more, or at least give the title of the studies so I can look them up on my own?
I didn't know the why behind it, but I have absolutely found this to be true. If life has me overwhelmed, I do a "mind dump"....just empty all the things I need to do or address into a notebook. Then I'll organize those things into categories, like cleaning, repair,organization,errands, computer or office work,bills,specific issues or problems I don't have answers to yet,etc. Once it's all out of my head,if I just take action and start to do something, I'll feel much better. Sometimes I'll immediately pick from the list, and sometimes I'll just exercise and shower, then start by cleaning my room