That's what not having substance addiction and decent diet does to you. Don't smoke kids and remember that booze is fun only the first few times, then it only gets more miserable
No drinking, not much processed food, sleeps ok, his family recpects him, he manages stress well, he is spiritualy in good place - maybe some day I'll be close to that state.
I used to blame myself for making the same mistake twice, but then I realized it makes sense because many times when we are making a mistake we don't realize it's a mistake yet. It's only when a pattern emerges that we understand that's where the problem is.
when you start noticing every time you make a certain mistake you very quickly stop making that mistake. For me with math, once I can recognize the way I solved something is wrong I'm very close to never making the mistake again. some people drink hundreds of times a year without once picking up on the mistake, compare that to someone who drinks too much twice, realizes it's a mistake, does it for a third time, pays for it and never does it again. Dr.k is such a goat for these videos they just make everything so clear
Ah the vicious cycle from hell. You avoid doing something because you're ashamed, and then become ashamed because you haven't done that thing. Then you add the comparison factor because you're too late in the game or you go back and forth with yourself debating if that was something you wanted anyways and in either case it GG's.
I collected data. I posted on the subreddit of my city asking whether anyone would go on a night out with me because I didn't want to go alone again. The next day, I had 17 random people from Reddit join me on the night out! It was unbelievable. I've currently got a group chat with 55 people wanting to go on a night out with me next weekend! I'm so glad I decided to start 'collecting data' for myself!
This is a great example of perfectionism as a result of toxic shame. Perfectionism = procrastination. Good way to get past this is to start taking actions without all of the data, and learn to forgive yourself for making suboptimal decisions.
Shame: Powerful, painful motivation to improve the situation. So strong we end up chosing to accept pain in the present in order to get the necessary experience based data to draw an accurate roadmap to alleviate the shame. Avoidance + Coping: Creates a circumstance where you suffer endless eternal shame due to temporarily dampening the shame whenever it intensifies. This demotivates us from getting the experienced based data needed to draw an accurate roadmap towards improving the situation. We try to get the data in a painless way via emotionally safe research, but the reality is that the mind works better with self gathered, recently experience based learnings. So Step 1 stop dampening shame and let the emotion do it's motivational work Step 2, accept the pain of being bad at something in order to gain the necessary recently gathered, personally experienced based data Step 3 Experience a perception shift and cultivate the ability to accept step 2 without needing shame Questions: What percentage of Theory Crafting am I doing vs Personally gathered and recent data collection? Am I harnessing shame as a motivational force or am I avoiding it and perpetuating my current situation?
You know what this also speaks to? How everyone who gets out here and just lives life seems to have it all figured out and a lot further along while me, the introvert, is always at home thinking and planning. Getting nothing done yet feeling smarter than I really am. No wonder I Haven’t been getting anywhere.
Mmmh jup feeling this one. Im changing this with the thought: Doing = learning. I love to think, learn to so impementing action feels weird, uncomfortable. Now I collect (different) data by doing to improve my planning and thinking. Its no where near the ratio is should be 20% planning is 80% of the outcome. But even if you put 1 tiny action to every thought your life improves massive very quickly 😉 And sometimes give yourself a break, to just enjoy the inside of your mind 😉
shame avoidance vs leverage: if pain isn't great enough to launch different strategies originally, it will remain avoidance until intentional choice is made. an intentional choice won't be made unless user mind is open to possibilities. ie relevance to data collection: past info informs my conclusion. tilted my ego from "im always right, my conclusion from past info effectively always results in predictable end" to "i want to be right, and i can't be right until I try all different ways, even if my past information deters me from it"
The "matrix" tries to trick awareness-with-human-avatars, into "identifying" as the avatar/matrix-language-programming-concepts. Trying to bamboozle awareness, into thinking it IS its car/RPG character.
@@GilgameschUruk it works with toxic shame too, for me that's the cure, not going out there to gain confidence. humility IS a part of confidence, being confident where you are, and I find that's a crucial step to actually move forward. but ofc first you should logically come to the conclusion that, even tho society finds your current circumstances unworthy, objectively it makes perfect sense for a person like yourself to have ended up in exactly this situation considering the very toxic nature of society and everything else that's happened to you and around you. when you can logically be okay with yourself then you can allow the shame to be fully felt and it will turn to humility, where you can be aware of society's probable judgment of you while not letting that define your actual inherent worth as a person. idk if that made sense, it's something I came to myself, not something I've heard explained elsewhere..
I'm about 75 days clean from marijuana after using it mostly chronically for the last four years (COVID really set the stage for me to form an addiction). The part about managing shame is spot on-as well as really so many other negative emotions like regret and not being content with where you are at in life.
You're doing amazing already! I have been in the same place, closing in on 600 days clean. I don't know what stage you are currently in when it comes to feeling shame but I wanted to share my experience. Indeed I was for a long time not only driven but held back by the shame, almost but not entirely unable to progress. One day I decided to just sit down and really think it through. Why was I ashamed, what was the reason I did marijuana etc. Slowly the shame started to morph into acceptance, which felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I can't definitively sit here and say I never feel that shame anymore. What I can say is that it is somewhat of a different kind of shame? Or rather, I don't let it beat me down, I now have the tools to handle it in a healthy manner. I'm not an expert in explaining nor clearly defining my emotions, but hopefully it made atleast a little sense.
My shame doesn't come from others, it comes from myself. I feel ashamed for where I am in life and where I am not. Others don't project that on me. It's only internal. So how to make amends then? Forgiving myself?
As stupid as it sounds yeah. I do the same thing too. Cuz ultimately most people don’t want to help people they dislike. Heck, they may even seek to sabotage people they actively dislike. And if the target of all that ire is yourself? Well you can probably see where a lot of your roadblocks are coming from.
Around 2012-2013 I was bullied relentlessly in Middle School. I was that one kid that everyone saw as a looser, and to this day I can't tell you way I was seen that way. I became addicted to videogames during that time. It was my way to escape the shit of every day life and be something else in another world. Skyrim was probably my number 1 world to escape to.
Shame is a bully and no bully has ever made me want to change myself, it made me want to stand up to the bully. I practice self compassion now and while my life hasn't changed drastically, my wellbeing and attitude towards life has.
I am really glad that Dr K mentioned the toxic shame, because up until that point I was thinking "but what about the times that no matter what you do, you will still be shamed". I had plenty of that not because people wanted to make me feel shitty but because I was undiagnosed autistic and noone (myself included) understood that the reason I don't have certain outcomes isn't because I am not trying hard enough. I've known I was trying hard but I was told I am not. And the shame was just the unescapable pit of hell because I could exhaust myself and the result still wasn't there. I am 42 now and was officially diagnosed this year. I've talking a lot about autism to my family members. Recently my dad told me: "you know, I really always thought you are just lazy... but now I see there are others reasons even if I don't understand exactly why". I think it was one of the greatest things I've heard in my life. I've felt seen after all those years of rocky relationship with my parents because none of us known I have certain specific challenges. My autism is not an excuse. It is an explanation. I don't mind doing things that hard for me. All I want from other people to believe me when I say this is hard for me. Without that there is no way to find an alternate solution or find space and time for proper regeneration after something that for me personally is exhausting. And well... there are things that I can do with pleasure and little amount of resources that most people find horrible. Most people dread repeatable tasks. I am fine with that... that even can help me relax... and I might even figure out a pattern in that task that can make it less repeatable for others. Back to shame. When someone told me I've done something wrong and I can understand the nature of my mistake I have no problem in appologizing and trying to do better. But quite often I have no idea what I have done wrong so figuring out how to fix that is impossible (back to the pit). I am learning to ask people to help me correct my mistake. Very often without the will from the other side to cooperate with me on that front, there is nothing I can really do. So if I ask for help and I am refused then well... it's not only my responsibility then. I've said I want to correct and I've asked for help. That's all I can do in that position. But as I've said... I am still learning. After 40 years of unintentional gaslighting about what I feel and experience, it ain't that obvious how to tell people what kind of help I might need. Often I am at the point of recognizing that I need help and then comes the difficult task of figuring out what kind of help I need.
I have ADHD and spent months in a loop recreating what I should have said and done in a past relationship. I didn’t know that was a symptom of ADHD, now I’ll know when this happens again. Thank you
my anxiety gets so bad once I feel shame of being neuro-spicy that I verge on passing out or throwing up. I get so afraid of making a scene that I take the quickest escape route to the situation and avoid it again. I feel like I'm doing the world a favor by staying out of the way. That right there is such a deep seated thing that I fear I cannot overcome. My ex that I shared all these fears with made sure to tell me, when things went south, that I am a burden to the world. I don't know how to get over having somebody I loved and trusted so deeply completely shaming my existence. He promised to destroy me when I worked to separate from him, and I have not been the same since then. I fear I let him win.
The issue I run into is never being able to develop the motivation to change any aspect of my life or mistakes. Whether I make the attempts or not, I always lose the motivation and come to the conclusion I'll always remain the same and continue to make wrong choices. And my brain continues to view that as the only conclusion. I don't know how to break that cycle. Whether I make attempts to change things or continue along the same behavioral choices, it always results in me returning to the same decisions and conclusions that I'll always continue to make the same mistakes. And thus far, I'm always seeming to prove myself right about that.
I was in the same spot and delaying the expectation of results worked for me personally. Act and do productive shit for one month continuously without any expectations. Whether I fail or succeed, I tried doing things for one month and I eventually started getting positive results after 3-4 weeks, which motivated me to do more Basically, act without any expectations
@@musicingflowing idk what ur saying but i can confirm that mystical nonverbal things can be extremely powerful. I guess i can comment on that that languages provide rigid structures to convey meaning, but are also limited in their vastness and flexibility. The real power move is to bring the unexplainable into the explainable to "pin" it as close to physical reality as possible.
@@PESCEKebabbaro Why not? Social skills are skills too and this works for it too tbh! Tho for social skills, positive results may take longer, like 3-4 months of consistent effort
I think the problem with bullying is that people often bully you for things that are hard to change. Maybe you are awkward and socially anxious and insecure. Maybe your face is ugly or your body. It's very hard to change these things. I don't know many kids who were anxious and awkward in school, turn confident and charismatic from bullying in the present. You can fake it, but it will kinda show through usually.
@@maksimfedoryak lol no but it will take you to a place where you don't care. you need to start treating yourself like a friend in order to like yourself
My bf's shame just made it worse due to his ADHD, he couldn't live up to it and lost his job and got extremely depressed hating himself for not being motivated by his negative emotions like a normal person and only failing with everything. Idk sometimes shame just sucks. It's an antifragile concept. But antifragility only works when you have strength and resources for it
Yeah this is all very hard for neurodivergents (hence the neurodivergency) but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s what necessary to grow and mature in this world
31 year old me: I love to theory craft myself into a corner, where I cannot act without shame anymore to convince myself of not acting at all. Convenient, but not necessarily healthy. So I know the issue, but I'm so afraid of change, that I'd rather stay with the issue, than taking the risk of building a new one I'm not familiar with by now.
also at 31 you are kinda too late anyways. I'm 30 and since the last girl I dated left me I don't think I have the experience to actually make love work. I should have started 10 years ago.
@@Adama.1 To make love work it needs at least 2 people with the same goal, don't you think? It is about the quality, not the quantity of the effort and takes some luck too, because the other one has to put effort in too. I've startet 20 years ago and haven't made it by now. Unfortunately it hasn't got easier the last few years, especially for men at the dating market I think.
@@Adama.1 , bro are you serious? 31 - is too late? I do understand, that when you can feel hopeless sometimes, but that's just ridiculous. It's never too late. Just moving forward bit by bit helps me a lot to fight these thoughts. And yeah, sometimes I do feel, that everything is senseless and hopeless, but I often remind myself, that this is not reality, it's just a feeling at the moment. But it's overall about life. If we are talking about relationships - it's not easy for everybody for sure. But it's not rocket science either, if you do something about it, it will be ok. You just need determination and patience. Also, try not to concentrate on it, as if it's the most important thing in the world.
The world may be on fire today but I am so thankful to be able to live in a time where I have easy access to such quality advice to help me with the decisions in my life. We spend so much time complaining about how bad our generations have it but right here is something amazing (free, sound, easy to understand content) that former generations never even dreamed of. So thankful for Dr K and his team 🙏🏽
The way which worked for me to become confident: Taking small steps towards a goal really makes a great difference. It helps in creating a habit, which is another achievement to be considered. For example, let's say you want to work out daily. No need to start by directly hitting the gym. Instead, start by just talking a small walk according to your convenience in your garden or terrace. Try this for one or two months. Then you will gradually realise that if you missed doing the walk on some day you won't like that. Hence, you will walk again tomorrow. Then you can slowly increase the walk to running, then gym. All the Best to you for becoming your better self. You can do it. Just believe in yourself. Give yourself chances to fail and rise again :)
This particular issue forms one of my biggest regrets in life: that I wish I did better in school. One of the mistakes I would keep repeating was most notably at the start of a semester, I would tell myself that I would work really hard in my classes and get good grades. But for the classes where it wasn't enough for me to attend the lectures to do well in the exams, I would fall into a habit of reading something or doing a homework problem and it was so difficult that I would get really frustrated (because I had expectations that I should be able to understand everything easily) or feel shame. And I only knew to cope with that by distracting myself through playing video games or watching videos / browsing the internet, which looked like me procrastinating on my work. The flip side of this also is that whatever I was doing was either too easy and/or boring so I would still run to my distractions. This above behavior completely destroyed my grades and both college and career aspirations in college. Today, I'm in my 30s and I haven't fixed this issue yet. I cannot go back to school because I have a real fear of failing my classes again like I did in my college years. It really screwed up my self-confidence because I was literally repeating classes over and over and I fucked up the only opportunity I had (cause I was already going to community college). I'm seeing a new therapist soon and I'm hoping they can help me with this issue but its tough because everyone thinks my issue is a joke and that I need to "grow up". In reality, I learned this poor behavior when I was in elementary school which helped me regulate my negative emotions but it obviously didn't help me with school. To add to my problems, I have C-PTSD and MDD which makes things more complicated, especially if I get triggered or enter a negative thought spiral loop.
I think labeling all of this “ctps” “ocd” “adhd abcd” is just a bunch of excuses really good ones with scientific backedup, thats why i suggest you just null yourself with the bullshit and do the thing anyway because your therapist cant program your limbs to do the work for you
@@jshbld6582 make no mistake, my only reason for mentioning these "labels" is because its a quick way to introduce people to the types of issues / experiences I may have. "Null yourself with the bullshit" ...really? this sounds like the same mentality coming from boomers / millennials that people should just "suck it up" and that if something doesn't work out, it must be the person's fault, not the system's fault. I mean, I can understand your point but I disagree. I don't function at my best just trying to fit into the generic mold. I've painstakingly tried my best to fit into this mold my entire life and its not worked. I've never had the resources to succeed. So now, I'm trying to understand my issues and find my needs, through the help of therapy. I really hope that makes sense to you.
:( Fucking hell I have nothing but commiseration of similar school feelings to offer, but I'm immensely grateful this is understandable at least to others and here's hoping your therapist understands too 🤝
@@ClassyJohn ""Null yourself with the bullshit" ...really? this sounds like the same mentality coming from boomers / millennials that people should just "suck it up" and that if something doesn't work out, it must be the person's fault, not the system's fault." Whose fault was it then that you failed your classes? Was it the system's fault that you would end up procrastinating and distracting yourself by playing games and not working on assignments regardless of the difficulty of the work? You missed his part about doing the thing anyway because therapy can't do your work for you. Going to therapy won't fix you in the same way that going to school won't make you smart, either way it all depends on what your actions are by the end of the day.
Same happened with me. Feeling helpless like nobody understands. So hard to learn something new when you fail a test or can't understand how something works, then we get very upset cause we expected we'd achieve, but turns into a game of shame and frustration, then you just wanna quit cause you think you're not meant for it.
But Dr. K, I can't do it anymore. It's tiring, draining, and I couldn't possibly do anything about this anymore, money is and perhaps will always be in the way of my dreams. Whenever I try to "lock in", it will get a little better because of the dopamine that I get off of it, and it ultimately goes back again to being someone who Idk, can't or don't want to see or feel anything anymore because of this life.
•Stop Escapism & Avoiding shame •Stop Theory crafting & Daydreaming >Ques : Am I just theory crafting my way all the way from earth to moon without ever building a spaceship and never launching something. >Ques : When you feel shame are you harnessing it to create a change in your life or are you avoiding that shame and perpetuating your current existence. •Use shame as a motivational fuel to fix your problems combined with problem solving & analysis to feed the right inputs
I was bullied and didn’t know how to deal with it as my dad was very much a passive people pleaser. He was there financially but unfortunately he wasn’t there emotionally I turned to pornography, video games, games workshop and buying stuff, films, supplements, fast food. I have been clean from pornography for over a year but the withdrawal symptoms were bad.
@@AstrydLewis818 thanks for your support it wasn’t easy it effects your brain unknowingly so much. It took around four months of insomnia, paranoia and joint pain to feel like 80% better. I had to look at my at my phone at night podcasts etc to get enough dopamine to sleep.
@@DiamondMind630 since covid heavy I watched multiple hours a day then got to a point where I weaned my self out into once every 2 or 3 days eventually. Last summer I was on a 30 day retention and I was better on retention. I think I relapsed because I didn't know how to release anxiety so edging became a thing for me again and eventual ejaculation once every couple days. Now I'm back on retention and it's easier with meditation and exercises and a cleaner diet, sleep is important too. Not enough sleep= depression, less energy and testosterone, and relapses
I came here to say thank you. I've been in therapy for about a year and a half now. A few months ago, something clicked. I still have a long way to go, but I am sober, I have mostly good relationships with the people that remain in my life.. My sister recently got diagnosed with ADHD and I suspect that I might have it too. So many things make more sense now. So yeah, thank you! I guess all those years watching UA-cam really lead to something helpful after all 😅
This is what I’ve been learning in my studying course! It’s super important and scary and empowering. But I feel more responsible for deciding to face my weekly failures
Has anybody thought before about a theory that repeated behavior (including making the same mistakes) is important for the species evolution? I mean this way it would be easier for the evolution to select important traits (behavioral or psychological, etc), and easier to discard the rest. At least it would be a good explanation for why something is forcing us to repeat own mistakes - it could be a very important behavior for many centuries in the past.
@@dankyoutubes1120 well, sometimes it is more complicated, i.e. when the risk is linked to a reward. E.g. you tried to take honey from bees and get bitten hard, but was able to feed your tribe. I mean for the species evolution it is important that your brain was tricking you into repeating the same adventure - only then only those survive which have some kind of advantages to deal with the bees' poison and have chance to give such trait to next generations. Maybe not the best example, but the idea is that if everyone would do random things all the time - it is harder to select important traits. Thus our behavior of 'repeating the same mistake' might be a side effect of "sticking to the same behavior" trait , which is important to evolution. Because those species which did not have such trait - just had less chance to survive (because they had less chance to develop important trait).
Oh. A tip for captchas, if you're doing them quickly, correctly, and computer still sees you as bot: make a few mistakes intentionally, and slow down, and then fix them, or click on one thing multiple times, do a dance with a cursor. Works like a charm. :D
Beautiful video, I have always avoided my problems and constantly feel ashamed for certain actions, this video gave me the courage to tackle my shame head-on. Thank you, Dr.K
Escapism is an age old phenomenon not something new at all. Escapism in old times where church and religious prayers. The entire world literally went to war with each other just to defend this escaped reality. Money is another form of escapism though explaining that is complex. This subject is way to complex and philosophical to be discused by a psychologist. By using the example of bully itself u set yourself into a trap, i mean nations bully each other and call it politics and not a single human can learn anything or improve upon themselves from this bully tactic.
Dr. K, you probably won’t see my message, but I just wanted to thank you for your videos. I am also a mental health professional, and I cannot begin to tell you how much your content has helped me personally and professionally. Keep spreading that AOE healing ❤
Sometimes it never gets better if your family is stuck in generational poverty. I made one mistake, ONE, eight years ago. I went straight into college the summer affer high school while struggling with clinical insomnia and clinical depression. I ruined my GPA because I couldnt get through those college classes when I was struggling with my mental health and now even though there are brand new college assistance programs in the US, because of that one mistake I made I am still uneligble for college assistance and every time I save money to pay for college there ends up being a medical emegency of some kind which costs me a few thousand dollars. I meditate every day, I no longer struggle with mental health, I have a community of friends I hang out with, I dont smoke weed anymore, im doing everything im supposed to do to give me a better life but all because of that one mistake, I am always financially struggling in my life. All I want to do is go back to college and give myself a better job and better opportunities but the United States does not forgive you for making a mistake. Self help can only get you so far. Sometimes you will do everything in your power to improve your life but due to the socio-economic practices of your society, and the economic status of your family you may never be given an opportunity to give yourself a better life. Self help wont stop capitalism.
If i was driven by shame i would probably just give up. I'm driven by my dreams and possibly improved mental health from diet. Quit weed and started going to the gym and i don't see myself going back. I simply don't. I know what i needed to know and my mission is to fix myself and bloom. I don't care about shame atm i rather just live in my fantasy that propels me forward. With depression i have to orient myself to the good, not despair in the bad. I don't wanna waste my life anymore, too much potential.
Lost in the sauce is so accurate. I got to watch this video because I was planning on learning a new language and I kept on postponing it. Hence, the theory crafting part.
Bro stop it with that relatable thumbnail I'm 26 years old right now and am quite behind in life from where I wanted to be or am objectively supposed to be by now. 😭😭😭 While I am still breathing and have the energy to do so I will do my best to make my life go the right direction.
1. Running away from the problem instead of acknowledging it 2. Dont Theory craft, collect experiences 3. Stop gaslighting your feelings. They are valid.
It's easy to make "mistakes" in a mental slavery "matrix"... As such a linguistic concept serves as an important part of the control system. Tricking conscious awareness to "think" within the constraints of the Atari 2600 programming language.
@@eebbaa5560 When you delve deeper, and face yourself with self-honesty - rather than running away from "uncomfortable" feelings, truth will reveal itself to you.
For the record: 1. Guilt: This emotion arises when a person believes they have done something wrong or has violated their moral or ethical standards. It’s often associated with specific actions or behaviors. Guilt is typically constructive because it can motivate individuals to make amends, change their behavior, or take responsibility for their actions. It focuses on the behavior (“I did something bad”). 2. Shame: Shame goes deeper than guilt. It involves a negative evaluation of the self rather than just the behavior. When people feel shame, they see themselves as inherently flawed or unworthy. Shame is more likely to lead to feelings of worthlessness or a desire to hide or withdraw. It focuses on the self (“I am bad”).
Repeating mistakes can be a path to wisdom. As Confucius said, 'Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.' Reflect, learn, and let each mistake guide you towards greater understanding and growth
Just found this channel, and want to say Dr. K does awesome job at making people just feel human. I am not a gamer at all, a former semi pro tennis player, and found this channel somehow I think searching for cool health type vids. Glad I found this channel and video because for me I was, and still am, what they call a Ruminator...Rumination has been hard for me to correct as a perfectionist in sports and in life. I probably need some video games to just relax in life away from my thoughts on and off of a tennis court :) Just want to say great video, and for all of us that are seemingly human, keep fighting the mind as it can be a bad place to live if you stay in thoughts that do not help us just bring joy and happiness to the world, and those around us. Dr. K thanks again for the great vids, and will let all my little pro tennis people I now train to connect with this channel :) Peace, Love and good mindsets to all those that comment and follow dr. k :)
I kinda got the feeling that in the part about toxic shame you mixed up toxic shame and toxic shaming. I know those two probably cant be seperated cleary from eachother since under the "right" circumstances almost everyone can be made feeling toxic shame. But I'd imagine that those who are emotional mature should be able to recover fast from it through healthy internal boundaries since they have a healty self-image. Those who feel toxic shame regularly probably carry it with them since childhood, don't they? It was "given to them" by caregivers with a close relationship to them, I'd imagine. The thing is: Can you dissolve toxic shame through external actions? Will anyhting external you do ever be enough? Probably not because that IS the nature of toxic shame: You feel not good enough, no matter what you do. That's the deep believe you were made to accept. Toxic shame has to go back to those who "gave" it to us. We have to realize that it wasn't our fault that it is NOT our shame, it's THEIRS. Then we can start feeling compassion for ourselves. Then we start developing capacity for appropriate shame which we can confront and overcome through corrective action. I don't know if that really makes sense :D
I came across your content, and leaving the old life and being threatened at the same time of losing it while building a new life, got me to take a job opportunity which I was scared and uncertain about in another city 1500 KMs away.
what do i do if all shame feels toxic to me? like any time i feel ashamed of myself it just makes my self esteem go down so bad that it makes trying feel useless, I think this is different from avoidance, but maybe not? I guess what I'm saying is that I only vaguely know what you mean by 'harnessing shame'.
I think this stuff is really useful for mentally healthy people, but I can't think of how I can "embrace shame" without just trying to k*ll myself. So much of my guilt and shame are about things that I did or didn't do in my past, and the only way to course correct for those things is to try and fit them into my existing responsibilities that I feel like I don't have time and energy for. I then get overwhelmed and experience debilitating despair that causes me to crash emotionally for weeks. I feel like a toddler being screamed at for not knowing how to do calculus. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try at a game, you just can't seem to win, and no matter how much you play and how you "theory craft", you still lose. Eventually it just seems better to turn the game off and quit.
How do you unite Left and Right Brain? The analysis is both Theory Crafting and Data collection. So how can one channel the motivation and action part more. In a way that the motivation is a pull towards the positive goal and instead of avoiding the negative feeling/shame/consequence.
I skipped the gym to stay up late and play video games last night, and all day I was feeling guilty so I'm planning to go tonight after work. And then this video popped up on my fyp.
He's using shame and guilt interchangeably. What he refers to as healthy shame is all actually guilt, and toxic shame is just shame. You learn and can act on feelings of guilt, but shame is stagnant. Guilt is I did a bad thing, shame is I am bad and deserve to suffer.
Making same mistakes again, made me curious why it happens, and than I came across transactional analysys, TA answears are very convincing and helping not copying same patterns again and again
An important point for me: retrospective data and prospective data, what results you have obtained in the past and what results you are obtaining in the present. It's true that in the past I have tried one or more methods and they didnt' work as I WANTED them to, so the trap is to say "I tried and it didnt't work". I do that often and get discouraged. After this video I will put together theory crafting, applying my theory to practice and reanalyzing the current results. Then repeat the process.
8:35 My bullies drove me to the point of skipping school and wasting my whole school year, and this was pre-internet, because the thing they made fun of required boatloads of money, which a 12 year old with negligent parents doesn't have.
@Dr. K, what about a nervous system regulated by shame? You must have heard online how lots of people live their life and react from a place of shame and how this is unhelpful because it stops us from living how we think it's best for us and feel good and happy with ourselves. Usually this shame comes from trauma related to childhood. How do we recognise toxic shame vs "constructive" shame when most people have shame rooted in their nervous system and they are unaware of their trauma? If I had to answer myself I would say: first focus on understanding childhood trauma and when and how do you feel shame and what drives you to do or not do things because of shame. Then after you can understand trauma and its link with shame, start rewiring your brain and validating yourself and removing this unhelpful shame that comes from childhood. Then we should slowly get to a place where we are better regulated, and now, I guess the question is, how do we recognise constructive shame vs toxic shame? It would be great if you could expand on this!
That completely applies to my situation.. wow. I'm in an environment where I can avoid basically anything though so I can perpetuate my current life style even though it isn't good overall. This gives me a bit to think.
And what about when you have all the shame build towards yourself? That you have wronged yourself so many times because you were addicted to procrastination and self loathing?
At this point I’m in a cycle of addiction that doesn’t let me know what mistakes I made. Before I thought of those mistakes all the time, now I just think about them when i’m high and alone :/
Shame is not motivational at all.. it's literally the oposite, it leaves you not wanting to exist. I understand and agree with the point of the video but it's just worded in a simple way, not mentioning what happens to that hurtfull shame to turn into motivation to change and not to stay on the ground. How that change in perspective happens.
So 1. Roadmap and iteration (data-collection) 2. Stop avoiding feeling shame, it fuels you to go out and iterate (inact change). Caveat: If a change doesn't change the intensity of the shame emotion, it might be toxic-shame, and that must be handled very differently. It's like if you're hungry but you never feel satiated. Feeling it is not gonna fuel you here. Can check out other videos for that. Funnily enough, me doing this is iteration for me
15:00 This reminds me of the first time playing Morrowind and wanting to make potions. I had all these cool ideas I remember watching from videos. But until you build your skill up you couldn't make the cool combos
Did all the planning during the vegetative phase and now i'm doing it all during the flowering phase. ((: I be spiritual like that with my plants. Ya'll can call me hopeless autistic drug addict lost in magical thinking. But know i'm pretty real :))
If that means going back to the same people and places we should avoid because otherwise we'll be more lonely than we already are, then that makes 2 of us.
what about the negative spcial repercussions of being shamed tho? being ostracised? I'd rather avoid that even tho I'd prefer not to cave to shaming itself.
I have a question. This shame, which is a negative emotion, leads us to make positive change. But in another video Dr. K made, he said to not have negative emotions be what drive you to action, it should come from a positive emotion. Is this contradicting or am I misremembering?
Something like: If you are just acting on negative thoughts, without the desire to learn/grow, you can fall into bad habits… buying in to the negative self-talk, blaming others, lashing out, drugs- whatever works the bad vibes out. But wanting to be better, and find a positive future… that will lead to growth, and truly stopping a cycle of bad decisions. And that requires accepting shame, which is like a signal that you have room to grow, and need experience. And you can’t just listening to media and form theories, but actually put yourself out there and try to *be* a better you. One you are not ashamed of.
He's saying you should conform to your bullies if they'll stop harassing you once you better yourself because it's better than being alone (I disagree) but not if they'll harass you no matter what you do, that's toxic shame. He wants you to turn your enemies into friends by improving yourself. My advice would be to learn humility and don't conform to people that harass you.
That theory crafting part is so true. Somewhat related. For a while I used to think I was a furry (complicated story) and I was so jealous of America cause they had giant furry cons left and right all year long while they basically didn't exist where I live. But then I actually attended one once and I just felt... Nothing. Like I've always wanted to see people in fursuits in real life, but when I did I just didn't care as much as I thought as I would. I've never felt so out of place in my entire life.I stopped envying Americans after that
It’s bc Dr.K most of the time is blowing smoke. He’s a guy trying to sell you a corse at the end of the day. He purposefully blurs the line of therapist and UA-cam personality to gain your trust then literally shame you into buying his product.
"22 years ago, when I was in college" this man has found the fountain of youth.
Acceptance of life situations plus diet lol 😊
Edit: 100 likes! i'm famous mom!
He is 41.
That's what not having substance addiction and decent diet does to you. Don't smoke kids and remember that booze is fun only the first few times, then it only gets more miserable
Asian genes are superior
No drinking, not much processed food, sleeps ok, his family recpects him, he manages stress well, he is spiritualy in good place - maybe some day I'll be close to that state.
I used to blame myself for making the same mistake twice, but then I realized it makes sense because many times when we are making a mistake we don't realize it's a mistake yet. It's only when a pattern emerges that we understand that's where the problem is.
that's actually 5head
when you start noticing every time you make a certain mistake you very quickly stop making that mistake.
For me with math, once I can recognize the way I solved something is wrong I'm very close to never making the mistake again.
some people drink hundreds of times a year without once picking up on the mistake, compare that to someone who drinks too much twice, realizes it's a mistake, does it for a third time, pays for it and never does it again. Dr.k is such a goat for these videos they just make everything so clear
Ah the vicious cycle from hell. You avoid doing something because you're ashamed, and then become ashamed because you haven't done that thing. Then you add the comparison factor because you're too late in the game or you go back and forth with yourself debating if that was something you wanted anyways and in either case it GG's.
Exactly what happens with me in case of socializing
Dmanit man, thanks. Just seeing the pain spit out as text already helps me cope. Stealing this.
This is so true for me. What should we do
This is so perfectly described 😂
Extremely well put. I am struggling with this cycle daily, and have been doing so over a decade now.
8 hours ago i was crying because all i do is repeat the same mistakes even though i try so hard to be better and here is Dr. K just on time
I collected data. I posted on the subreddit of my city asking whether anyone would go on a night out with me because I didn't want to go alone again. The next day, I had 17 random people from Reddit join me on the night out! It was unbelievable. I've currently got a group chat with 55 people wanting to go on a night out with me next weekend! I'm so glad I decided to start 'collecting data' for myself!
That's so baller bro, congrats 🎉
Be careful!
There’s a subreddit for your city?
what do you mean by collecting data?
@@mies626 I went and did something rather than watch videos about doing something
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
this is what I needed to hear, lived most of my life in a theory crafting and shame avoidance mode. Im 38 I hope its not too late to change.
It's not!! I've seen so many stories about people changing when they're older than you! You want it, that means you're already doing it, you got this
Logically speaking
It's never too late until you're dead. Always remember that. Now have luck and prosper 🖖
I loved the way Dr K laughs whilst saying: Then you end up watching a bunch of video's about motivation instead of facing up to your problems
This is a great example of perfectionism as a result of toxic shame.
Perfectionism = procrastination.
Good way to get past this is to start taking actions without all of the data, and learn to forgive yourself for making suboptimal decisions.
Shame: Powerful, painful motivation to improve the situation. So strong we end up chosing to accept pain in the present in order to get the necessary experience based data to draw an accurate roadmap to alleviate the shame.
Avoidance + Coping: Creates a circumstance where you suffer endless eternal shame due to temporarily dampening the shame whenever it intensifies.
This demotivates us from getting the experienced based data needed to draw an accurate roadmap towards improving the situation.
We try to get the data in a painless way via emotionally safe research, but the reality is that the mind works better with self gathered, recently experience based learnings.
So Step 1 stop dampening shame and let the emotion do it's motivational work
Step 2, accept the pain of being bad at something in order to gain the necessary recently gathered, personally experienced based data
Step 3 Experience a perception shift and cultivate the ability to accept step 2 without needing shame
Questions:
What percentage of Theory Crafting am I doing vs Personally gathered and recent data collection?
Am I harnessing shame as a motivational force or am I avoiding it and perpetuating my current situation?
I really like this comment.
Thank you! :)
Great post. Something I'll definitely chew on in my mind going forward.
Nice
You know what this also speaks to? How everyone who gets out here and just lives life seems to have it all figured out and a lot further along while me, the introvert, is always at home thinking and planning. Getting nothing done yet feeling smarter than I really am. No wonder I Haven’t been getting anywhere.
Mmmh jup feeling this one. Im changing this with the thought:
Doing = learning.
I love to think, learn to so impementing action feels weird, uncomfortable. Now I collect (different) data by doing to improve my planning and thinking.
Its no where near the ratio is should be 20% planning is 80% of the outcome. But even if you put 1 tiny action to every thought your life improves massive very quickly 😉
And sometimes give yourself a break, to just enjoy the inside of your mind 😉
shame avoidance vs leverage: if pain isn't great enough to launch different strategies originally, it will remain avoidance until intentional choice is made. an intentional choice won't be made unless user mind is open to possibilities. ie relevance to data collection: past info informs my conclusion. tilted my ego from "im always right, my conclusion from past info effectively always results in predictable end" to "i want to be right, and i can't be right until I try all different ways, even if my past information deters me from it"
Thank you so much, this explaination really helped me
shame turns to humility if you actually embrace it and humility is a positive emotion.
Not toxic shame
The "matrix" tries to trick awareness-with-human-avatars, into "identifying" as the avatar/matrix-language-programming-concepts. Trying to bamboozle awareness, into thinking it IS its car/RPG character.
@@GilgameschUruk it works with toxic shame too, for me that's the cure, not going out there to gain confidence. humility IS a part of confidence, being confident where you are, and I find that's a crucial step to actually move forward. but ofc first you should logically come to the conclusion that, even tho society finds your current circumstances unworthy, objectively it makes perfect sense for a person like yourself to have ended up in exactly this situation considering the very toxic nature of society and everything else that's happened to you and around you. when you can logically be okay with yourself then you can allow the shame to be fully felt and it will turn to humility, where you can be aware of society's probable judgment of you while not letting that define your actual inherent worth as a person. idk if that made sense, it's something I came to myself, not something I've heard explained elsewhere..
Agreed, sometimes shame can be the result of an inflated ego or unrealistic expectations.
that's nice way to look at it, thanks buddy
I'm about 75 days clean from marijuana after using it mostly chronically for the last four years (COVID really set the stage for me to form an addiction). The part about managing shame is spot on-as well as really so many other negative emotions like regret and not being content with where you are at in life.
@@BOSSDONMAN good shit dude! As someone who struggles not to relapse back into weed, I’m really proud of you :) keep up the good work
You're doing amazing already! I have been in the same place, closing in on 600 days clean. I don't know what stage you are currently in when it comes to feeling shame but I wanted to share my experience. Indeed I was for a long time not only driven but held back by the shame, almost but not entirely unable to progress. One day I decided to just sit down and really think it through. Why was I ashamed, what was the reason I did marijuana etc.
Slowly the shame started to morph into acceptance, which felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders.
I can't definitively sit here and say I never feel that shame anymore. What I can say is that it is somewhat of a different kind of shame? Or rather, I don't let it beat me down, I now have the tools to handle it in a healthy manner. I'm not an expert in explaining nor clearly defining my emotions, but hopefully it made atleast a little sense.
on the same boat here, ever since covid i've created an addiction with the flower
It must have been really difficult to give up Marijuana for 2.5 months. Wow dude!
COVID really didn't do us stoners any favours 😂🥲
Bro I'm pretty sure at this moment Dr.k is spying on me
Nope, a lot of us are going through the same thing and we just don't talk about it.
It’s called being a human - he is just helping us understand ourselves more so that we can break out of the loop of just being an animal
Not only do we all deal with it, we tend to deal with similar problems universally at the same time thanks to energy
You have what is called the human condition
Me2😂
My shame doesn't come from others, it comes from myself. I feel ashamed for where I am in life and where I am not. Others don't project that on me. It's only internal. So how to make amends then? Forgiving myself?
Same, idk either
As stupid as it sounds yeah. I do the same thing too. Cuz ultimately most people don’t want to help people they dislike. Heck, they may even seek to sabotage people they actively dislike. And if the target of all that ire is yourself? Well you can probably see where a lot of your roadblocks are coming from.
Avoidance & Escapism are such an unbelievably relevant issue/problem in my family’s dynamics right now.
Thanks for the timely advice, Dr. K!
Around 2012-2013 I was bullied relentlessly in Middle School. I was that one kid that everyone saw as a looser, and to this day I can't tell you way I was seen that way. I became addicted to videogames during that time. It was my way to escape the shit of every day life and be something else in another world. Skyrim was probably my number 1 world to escape to.
Skyrim slaps 😄 literally revisit the game every 3 or so years
@@grindsauce3017 Lol
@@grindsauce3017 wut
@@grindsauce3017prolly not the best advice 💀
@@grindsauce3017 holy shit, you think that people who hurt others for whatever reason are right?
Shame is a bully and no bully has ever made me want to change myself, it made me want to stand up to the bully. I practice self compassion now and while my life hasn't changed drastically, my wellbeing and attitude towards life has.
Same for me
Same
I am really glad that Dr K mentioned the toxic shame, because up until that point I was thinking "but what about the times that no matter what you do, you will still be shamed". I had plenty of that not because people wanted to make me feel shitty but because I was undiagnosed autistic and noone (myself included) understood that the reason I don't have certain outcomes isn't because I am not trying hard enough. I've known I was trying hard but I was told I am not. And the shame was just the unescapable pit of hell because I could exhaust myself and the result still wasn't there. I am 42 now and was officially diagnosed this year. I've talking a lot about autism to my family members. Recently my dad told me: "you know, I really always thought you are just lazy... but now I see there are others reasons even if I don't understand exactly why". I think it was one of the greatest things I've heard in my life. I've felt seen after all those years of rocky relationship with my parents because none of us known I have certain specific challenges. My autism is not an excuse. It is an explanation. I don't mind doing things that hard for me. All I want from other people to believe me when I say this is hard for me. Without that there is no way to find an alternate solution or find space and time for proper regeneration after something that for me personally is exhausting. And well... there are things that I can do with pleasure and little amount of resources that most people find horrible. Most people dread repeatable tasks. I am fine with that... that even can help me relax... and I might even figure out a pattern in that task that can make it less repeatable for others.
Back to shame. When someone told me I've done something wrong and I can understand the nature of my mistake I have no problem in appologizing and trying to do better. But quite often I have no idea what I have done wrong so figuring out how to fix that is impossible (back to the pit). I am learning to ask people to help me correct my mistake. Very often without the will from the other side to cooperate with me on that front, there is nothing I can really do. So if I ask for help and I am refused then well... it's not only my responsibility then. I've said I want to correct and I've asked for help. That's all I can do in that position. But as I've said... I am still learning. After 40 years of unintentional gaslighting about what I feel and experience, it ain't that obvious how to tell people what kind of help I might need. Often I am at the point of recognizing that I need help and then comes the difficult task of figuring out what kind of help I need.
I have ADHD and spent months in a loop recreating what I should have said and done in a past relationship. I didn’t know that was a symptom of ADHD, now I’ll know when this happens again. Thank you
@@indiablackwell I did this and it was awful never again!
my anxiety gets so bad once I feel shame of being neuro-spicy that I verge on passing out or throwing up. I get so afraid of making a scene that I take the quickest escape route to the situation and avoid it again. I feel like I'm doing the world a favor by staying out of the way. That right there is such a deep seated thing that I fear I cannot overcome. My ex that I shared all these fears with made sure to tell me, when things went south, that I am a burden to the world. I don't know how to get over having somebody I loved and trusted so deeply completely shaming my existence. He promised to destroy me when I worked to separate from him, and I have not been the same since then. I fear I let him win.
The issue I run into is never being able to develop the motivation to change any aspect of my life or mistakes. Whether I make the attempts or not, I always lose the motivation and come to the conclusion I'll always remain the same and continue to make wrong choices. And my brain continues to view that as the only conclusion. I don't know how to break that cycle. Whether I make attempts to change things or continue along the same behavioral choices, it always results in me returning to the same decisions and conclusions that I'll always continue to make the same mistakes. And thus far, I'm always seeming to prove myself right about that.
I was in the same spot and delaying the expectation of results worked for me personally. Act and do productive shit for one month continuously without any expectations. Whether I fail or succeed, I tried doing things for one month and I eventually started getting positive results after 3-4 weeks, which motivated me to do more
Basically, act without any expectations
Same. Do you have ADHD by any chance?
@@kushalramakanth7922 That works with things like going to the gym or learning a new practical skill, but not so much with human interactions
@@musicingflowing idk what ur saying but i can confirm that mystical nonverbal things can be extremely powerful. I guess i can comment on that that languages provide rigid structures to convey meaning, but are also limited in their vastness and flexibility. The real power move is to bring the unexplainable into the explainable to "pin" it as close to physical reality as possible.
@@PESCEKebabbaro Why not? Social skills are skills too and this works for it too tbh!
Tho for social skills, positive results may take longer, like 3-4 months of consistent effort
your lectures and advices are so intuitive, thank you for making these contents available for free.
I think the problem with bullying is that people often bully you for things that are hard to change. Maybe you are awkward and socially anxious and insecure. Maybe your face is ugly or your body. It's very hard to change these things. I don't know many kids who were anxious and awkward in school, turn confident and charismatic from bullying in the present. You can fake it, but it will kinda show through usually.
And that's toxic shame that Dr K briefly touched on in the video, which is different to the form of shame he was discussing
all of that can be fixed by cleaning up your diet and working on your physical health.
@@Grimmlockedcan diet make your skin whiter to not be bullied for your natural shade?
@@Grimmlocked here is an example of toxic shame in action
@@maksimfedoryak lol no but it will take you to a place where you don't care.
you need to start treating yourself like a friend in order to like yourself
My bf's shame just made it worse due to his ADHD, he couldn't live up to it and lost his job and got extremely depressed hating himself for not being motivated by his negative emotions like a normal person and only failing with everything.
Idk sometimes shame just sucks. It's an antifragile concept. But antifragility only works when you have strength and resources for it
Yeah this is all very hard for neurodivergents (hence the neurodivergency) but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s what necessary to grow and mature in this world
5K people seeing this in under an hour from release, all looking to better themselves and get out of unhealthy patterns! STAY GOATED!
31 year old me: I love to theory craft myself into a corner, where I cannot act without shame anymore to convince myself of not acting at all. Convenient, but not necessarily healthy. So I know the issue, but I'm so afraid of change, that I'd rather stay with the issue, than taking the risk of building a new one I'm not familiar with by now.
@@LukasWeeke same dude
also at 31 you are kinda too late anyways. I'm 30 and since the last girl I dated left me I don't think I have the experience to actually make love work. I should have started 10 years ago.
@@Adama.1 To make love work it needs at least 2 people with the same goal, don't you think? It is about the quality, not the quantity of the effort and takes some luck too, because the other one has to put effort in too. I've startet 20 years ago and haven't made it by now. Unfortunately it hasn't got easier the last few years, especially for men at the dating market I think.
@@Adama.1 , bro are you serious? 31 - is too late? I do understand, that when you can feel hopeless sometimes, but that's just ridiculous. It's never too late. Just moving forward bit by bit helps me a lot to fight these thoughts. And yeah, sometimes I do feel, that everything is senseless and hopeless, but I often remind myself, that this is not reality, it's just a feeling at the moment. But it's overall about life.
If we are talking about relationships - it's not easy for everybody for sure. But it's not rocket science either, if you do something about it, it will be ok. You just need determination and patience. Also, try not to concentrate on it, as if it's the most important thing in the world.
The world may be on fire today but I am so thankful to be able to live in a time where I have easy access to such quality advice to help me with the decisions in my life. We spend so much time complaining about how bad our generations have it but right here is something amazing (free, sound, easy to understand content) that former generations never even dreamed of. So thankful for Dr K and his team 🙏🏽
The way which worked for me to become confident:
Taking small steps towards a goal really makes a great difference. It helps in creating a habit, which is another achievement to be considered.
For example, let's say you want to work out daily. No need to start by directly hitting the gym. Instead, start by just talking a small walk according to your convenience in your garden or terrace. Try this for one or two months. Then you will gradually realise that if you missed
doing the walk on some day you won't like that. Hence, you will walk again tomorrow. Then you can slowly increase the walk to running, then gym.
All the Best to you for becoming your better self. You can do it. Just believe in yourself. Give yourself chances to fail and rise again :)
This particular issue forms one of my biggest regrets in life: that I wish I did better in school.
One of the mistakes I would keep repeating was most notably at the start of a semester, I would tell myself that I would work really hard in my classes and get good grades. But for the classes where it wasn't enough for me to attend the lectures to do well in the exams, I would fall into a habit of reading something or doing a homework problem and it was so difficult that I would get really frustrated (because I had expectations that I should be able to understand everything easily) or feel shame. And I only knew to cope with that by distracting myself through playing video games or watching videos / browsing the internet, which looked like me procrastinating on my work. The flip side of this also is that whatever I was doing was either too easy and/or boring so I would still run to my distractions.
This above behavior completely destroyed my grades and both college and career aspirations in college. Today, I'm in my 30s and I haven't fixed this issue yet. I cannot go back to school because I have a real fear of failing my classes again like I did in my college years. It really screwed up my self-confidence because I was literally repeating classes over and over and I fucked up the only opportunity I had (cause I was already going to community college). I'm seeing a new therapist soon and I'm hoping they can help me with this issue but its tough because everyone thinks my issue is a joke and that I need to "grow up". In reality, I learned this poor behavior when I was in elementary school which helped me regulate my negative emotions but it obviously didn't help me with school. To add to my problems, I have C-PTSD and MDD which makes things more complicated, especially if I get triggered or enter a negative thought spiral loop.
I think labeling all of this “ctps” “ocd” “adhd abcd” is just a bunch of excuses really good ones with scientific backedup, thats why i suggest you just null yourself with the bullshit and do the thing anyway because your therapist cant program your limbs to do the work for you
@@jshbld6582 make no mistake, my only reason for mentioning these "labels" is because its a quick way to introduce people to the types of issues / experiences I may have.
"Null yourself with the bullshit" ...really? this sounds like the same mentality coming from boomers / millennials that people should just "suck it up" and that if something doesn't work out, it must be the person's fault, not the system's fault.
I mean, I can understand your point but I disagree. I don't function at my best just trying to fit into the generic mold. I've painstakingly tried my best to fit into this mold my entire life and its not worked. I've never had the resources to succeed. So now, I'm trying to understand my issues and find my needs, through the help of therapy. I really hope that makes sense to you.
:( Fucking hell
I have nothing but commiseration of similar school feelings to offer, but I'm immensely grateful this is understandable at least to others and here's hoping your therapist understands too 🤝
@@ClassyJohn ""Null yourself with the bullshit" ...really? this sounds like the same mentality coming from boomers / millennials that people should just "suck it up" and that if something doesn't work out, it must be the person's fault, not the system's fault."
Whose fault was it then that you failed your classes? Was it the system's fault that you would end up procrastinating and distracting yourself by playing games and not working on assignments regardless of the difficulty of the work? You missed his part about doing the thing anyway because therapy can't do your work for you. Going to therapy won't fix you in the same way that going to school won't make you smart, either way it all depends on what your actions are by the end of the day.
Same happened with me. Feeling helpless like nobody understands. So hard to learn something new when you fail a test or can't understand how something works, then we get very upset cause we expected we'd achieve, but turns into a game of shame and frustration, then you just wanna quit cause you think you're not meant for it.
Poor Dr K; please get a better chair! Thanks for the video.
0:13, 0:31, 0:46, 5:16, 7:38, 8:33, 9:43, 11:29, 12:39, 13:53, 14:35, 15:29, 16:49, 17:23, 18:35
Dr K is sitting on a Herma Miller. He's correcting his own bad posture habits on the fly.
😂😂
Bro😭😂😭😂
Autism isnt real but its real to this guy
thats a 1200 dollar herman miller aeron its a pretty good chair
But Dr. K, I can't do it anymore. It's tiring, draining, and I couldn't possibly do anything about this anymore, money is and perhaps will always be in the way of my dreams. Whenever I try to "lock in", it will get a little better because of the dopamine that I get off of it, and it ultimately goes back again to being someone who Idk, can't or don't want to see or feel anything anymore because of this life.
•Stop Escapism & Avoiding shame
•Stop Theory crafting & Daydreaming
>Ques : Am I just theory crafting my way all the way from earth to moon without ever building a spaceship and never launching something.
>Ques : When you feel shame are you harnessing it to create a change in your life or are you avoiding that shame and perpetuating your current existence.
•Use shame as a motivational fuel to fix your problems combined with problem solving & analysis to feed the right inputs
I was bullied and didn’t know how to deal with it as my dad was very much a passive people pleaser. He was there financially but unfortunately he wasn’t there emotionally I turned to pornography, video games, games workshop and buying stuff, films, supplements, fast food.
I have been clean from pornography for over a year but the withdrawal symptoms were bad.
@@DiamondMind630 congrats 🎉
@@AstrydLewis818 thanks for your support it wasn’t easy it effects your brain unknowingly so much. It took around four months of insomnia, paranoia and joint pain to feel like 80% better. I had to look at my at my phone at night podcasts etc to get enough dopamine to sleep.
I believe my man. Going through withdrawals 1 week in.
@@conlawmeateater8792 how long have you been addicted?
@@DiamondMind630 since covid heavy I watched multiple hours a day then got to a point where I weaned my self out into once every 2 or 3 days eventually. Last summer I was on a 30 day retention and I was better on retention. I think I relapsed because I didn't know how to release anxiety so edging became a thing for me again and eventual ejaculation once every couple days. Now I'm back on retention and it's easier with meditation and exercises and a cleaner diet, sleep is important too. Not enough sleep= depression, less energy and testosterone, and relapses
I came here to say thank you. I've been in therapy for about a year and a half now. A few months ago, something clicked. I still have a long way to go, but I am sober, I have mostly good relationships with the people that remain in my life.. My sister recently got diagnosed with ADHD and I suspect that I might have it too. So many things make more sense now. So yeah, thank you! I guess all those years watching UA-cam really lead to something helpful after all 😅
Holy cow, this hits home VERY HARD.
This is what I’ve been learning in my studying course! It’s super important and scary and empowering. But I feel more responsible for deciding to face my weekly failures
Has anybody thought before about a theory that repeated behavior (including making the same mistakes) is important for the species evolution? I mean this way it would be easier for the evolution to select important traits (behavioral or psychological, etc), and easier to discard the rest. At least it would be a good explanation for why something is forcing us to repeat own mistakes - it could be a very important behavior for many centuries in the past.
Risk aversion is an amazing trait for survival, but only for survival.
@@dankyoutubes1120 well, sometimes it is more complicated, i.e. when the risk is linked to a reward. E.g. you tried to take honey from bees and get bitten hard, but was able to feed your tribe. I mean for the species evolution it is important that your brain was tricking you into repeating the same adventure - only then only those survive which have some kind of advantages to deal with the bees' poison and have chance to give such trait to next generations. Maybe not the best example, but the idea is that if everyone would do random things all the time - it is harder to select important traits. Thus our behavior of 'repeating the same mistake' might be a side effect of "sticking to the same behavior" trait , which is important to evolution. Because those species which did not have such trait - just had less chance to survive (because they had less chance to develop important trait).
Found this video after I failed the captcha test about a damn dozen times. It hurts, Doc.
Oh. A tip for captchas, if you're doing them quickly, correctly, and computer still sees you as bot: make a few mistakes intentionally, and slow down, and then fix them, or click on one thing multiple times, do a dance with a cursor. Works like a charm. :D
😂😂😂
@@Wehrtupflpu You da boss haha, ‘preciate it 😅🙏
@@Wehrtupflpu I've always wondered why people always complain about struggling on captchas while I never did! Turns out it's because I'm slow!
this is ok, you are simply a robot
Beautiful video, I have always avoided my problems and constantly feel ashamed for certain actions, this video gave me the courage to tackle my shame head-on. Thank you, Dr.K
Hey man, thank you for making such a precious video for free. Was really struggling with electric distractions in my life
Escapism is an age old phenomenon not something new at all. Escapism in old times where church and religious prayers. The entire world literally went to war with each other just to defend this escaped reality. Money is another form of escapism though explaining that is complex. This subject is way to complex and philosophical to be discused by a psychologist. By using the example of bully itself u set yourself into a trap, i mean nations bully each other and call it politics and not a single human can learn anything or improve upon themselves from this bully tactic.
Dr. K, you probably won’t see my message, but I just wanted to thank you for your videos. I am also a mental health professional, and I cannot begin to tell you how much your content has helped me personally and professionally. Keep spreading that AOE healing ❤
Sometimes it never gets better if your family is stuck in generational poverty. I made one mistake, ONE, eight years ago. I went straight into college the summer affer high school while struggling with clinical insomnia and clinical depression. I ruined my GPA because I couldnt get through those college classes when I was struggling with my mental health and now even though there are brand new college assistance programs in the US, because of that one mistake I made I am still uneligble for college assistance and every time I save money to pay for college there ends up being a medical emegency of some kind which costs me a few thousand dollars.
I meditate every day, I no longer struggle with mental health, I have a community of friends I hang out with, I dont smoke weed anymore, im doing everything im supposed to do to give me a better life but all because of that one mistake, I am always financially struggling in my life. All I want to do is go back to college and give myself a better job and better opportunities but the United States does not forgive you for making a mistake.
Self help can only get you so far. Sometimes you will do everything in your power to improve your life but due to the socio-economic practices of your society, and the economic status of your family you may never be given an opportunity to give yourself a better life. Self help wont stop capitalism.
If i was driven by shame i would probably just give up. I'm driven by my dreams and possibly improved mental health from diet. Quit weed and started going to the gym and i don't see myself going back. I simply don't. I know what i needed to know and my mission is to fix myself and bloom. I don't care about shame atm i rather just live in my fantasy that propels me forward. With depression i have to orient myself to the good, not despair in the bad.
I don't wanna waste my life anymore, too much potential.
Lost in the sauce is so accurate. I got to watch this video because I was planning on learning a new language and I kept on postponing it. Hence, the theory crafting part.
Bro stop it with that relatable thumbnail I'm 26 years old right now and am quite behind in life from where I wanted to be or am objectively supposed to be by now. 😭😭😭
While I am still breathing and have the energy to do so I will do my best to make my life go the right direction.
1. Running away from the problem instead of acknowledging it
2. Dont Theory craft, collect experiences
3. Stop gaslighting your feelings. They are valid.
It’s especially hard on those who can’t afford much margin of error, as they have so little to begin with.
thanks for everything dr. k❤
I fucking LOVE making mistakes bro I hope I get to do this my whole life
LOL
I has fallen, milions must point and laugh.
It's easy to make "mistakes" in a mental slavery "matrix"... As such a linguistic concept serves as an important part of the control system. Tricking conscious awareness to "think" within the constraints of the Atari 2600 programming language.
@@musicingflowing W schizopost biggest bro
@@eebbaa5560 When you delve deeper, and face yourself with self-honesty - rather than running away from "uncomfortable" feelings, truth will reveal itself to you.
Thank you for your valuable contents, Dr.K. It literally changes my life
For the record:
1. Guilt: This emotion arises when a person believes they have done something wrong or has violated their moral or ethical standards. It’s often associated with specific actions or behaviors. Guilt is typically constructive because it can motivate individuals to make amends, change their behavior, or take responsibility for their actions. It focuses on the behavior (“I did something bad”).
2. Shame: Shame goes deeper than guilt. It involves a negative evaluation of the self rather than just the behavior. When people feel shame, they see themselves as inherently flawed or unworthy. Shame is more likely to lead to feelings of worthlessness or a desire to hide or withdraw. It focuses on the self (“I am bad”).
Thanks, Dr. K. I needed this video. You're extraordinary in your field.
Repeating mistakes can be a path to wisdom.
As Confucius said, 'Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.'
Reflect, learn, and let each mistake guide you towards greater understanding and growth
Just found this channel, and want to say Dr. K does awesome job at making people just feel human. I am not a gamer at all, a former semi pro tennis player, and found this channel somehow I think searching for cool health type vids. Glad I found this channel and video because for me I was, and still am, what they call a Ruminator...Rumination has been hard for me to correct as a perfectionist in sports and in life. I probably need some video games to just relax in life away from my thoughts on and off of a tennis court :) Just want to say great video, and for all of us that are seemingly human, keep fighting the mind as it can be a bad place to live if you stay in thoughts that do not help us just bring joy and happiness to the world, and those around us. Dr. K thanks again for the great vids, and will let all my little pro tennis people I now train to connect with this channel :) Peace, Love and good mindsets to all those that comment and follow dr. k :)
Shame shows that you care, that’s a good thing. Nowadays, things like that and responsibility, are a superpower
I kinda got the feeling that in the part about toxic shame you mixed up toxic shame and toxic shaming. I know those two probably cant be seperated cleary from eachother since under the "right" circumstances almost everyone can be made feeling toxic shame. But I'd imagine that those who are emotional mature should be able to recover fast from it through healthy internal boundaries since they have a healty self-image. Those who feel toxic shame regularly probably carry it with them since childhood, don't they? It was "given to them" by caregivers with a close relationship to them, I'd imagine. The thing is: Can you dissolve toxic shame through external actions? Will anyhting external you do ever be enough? Probably not because that IS the nature of toxic shame: You feel not good enough, no matter what you do. That's the deep believe you were made to accept.
Toxic shame has to go back to those who "gave" it to us. We have to realize that it wasn't our fault that it is NOT our shame, it's THEIRS. Then we can start feeling compassion for ourselves. Then we start developing capacity for appropriate shame which we can confront and overcome through corrective action.
I don't know if that really makes sense :D
I came across your content, and leaving the old life and being threatened at the same time of losing it while building a new life, got me to take a job opportunity which I was scared and uncertain about in another city 1500 KMs away.
what do i do if all shame feels toxic to me? like any time i feel ashamed of myself it just makes my self esteem go down so bad that it makes trying feel useless, I think this is different from avoidance, but maybe not? I guess what I'm saying is that I only vaguely know what you mean by 'harnessing shame'.
This is mind-blowing and Amazing
Talks about the points that no one talks about that too spot on
Loved it
I think this stuff is really useful for mentally healthy people, but I can't think of how I can "embrace shame" without just trying to k*ll myself. So much of my guilt and shame are about things that I did or didn't do in my past, and the only way to course correct for those things is to try and fit them into my existing responsibilities that I feel like I don't have time and energy for. I then get overwhelmed and experience debilitating despair that causes me to crash emotionally for weeks. I feel like a toddler being screamed at for not knowing how to do calculus.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try at a game, you just can't seem to win, and no matter how much you play and how you "theory craft", you still lose. Eventually it just seems better to turn the game off and quit.
How do you unite Left and Right Brain?
The analysis is both Theory Crafting and Data collection.
So how can one channel the motivation and action part more.
In a way that the motivation is a pull towards the positive goal and instead of avoiding the negative feeling/shame/consequence.
Key is to avoid the shame and guilt,embrace it, laugh at it
20:10
Collect data as well
Great video and impeccable timing as always Dr. K!
Impeccable timing, thanks Dr.K :')🙏🏽
I skipped the gym to stay up late and play video games last night, and all day I was feeling guilty so I'm planning to go tonight after work. And then this video popped up on my fyp.
well once again dr k posts something scary relevant to my life at just the right time
He is like my best friend that knows me very well. His every video comes out when I need it the most. ❤
He's using shame and guilt interchangeably. What he refers to as healthy shame is all actually guilt, and toxic shame is just shame. You learn and can act on feelings of guilt, but shame is stagnant. Guilt is I did a bad thing, shame is I am bad and deserve to suffer.
Awesome video! ❤
A collaboration with the Psychologist Heidi Priebe would be amazing!
Her videos on toxic shame were really helpful for me
Making same mistakes again, made me curious why it happens, and than I came across transactional analysys, TA answears are very convincing and helping not copying same patterns again and again
More people needs to hear this
Love your videos so much man. You’ve been helping me get through this tough time. Recovering from addiction and finding myself again.
An important point for me: retrospective data and prospective data, what results you have obtained in the past and what results you are obtaining in the present.
It's true that in the past I have tried one or more methods and they didnt' work as I WANTED them to, so the trap is to say "I tried and it didnt't work". I do that often and get discouraged.
After this video I will put together theory crafting, applying my theory to practice and reanalyzing the current results. Then repeat the process.
Thanks for this, love your vids :)
8:35 My bullies drove me to the point of skipping school and wasting my whole school year, and this was pre-internet, because the thing they made fun of required boatloads of money, which a 12 year old with negligent parents doesn't have.
Yea I don't think kids should be feeling ashamed of themselves because of bullies.... he should have given a different example
dang I've been theory crafting for like 20 years :0 gotta start really putting myself out there now lol
@Dr. K, what about a nervous system regulated by shame? You must have heard online how lots of people live their life and react from a place of shame and how this is unhelpful because it stops us from living how we think it's best for us and feel good and happy with ourselves. Usually this shame comes from trauma related to childhood. How do we recognise toxic shame vs "constructive" shame when most people have shame rooted in their nervous system and they are unaware of their trauma? If I had to answer myself I would say: first focus on understanding childhood trauma and when and how do you feel shame and what drives you to do or not do things because of shame. Then after you can understand trauma and its link with shame, start rewiring your brain and validating yourself and removing this unhelpful shame that comes from childhood. Then we should slowly get to a place where we are better regulated, and now, I guess the question is, how do we recognise constructive shame vs toxic shame? It would be great if you could expand on this!
That completely applies to my situation.. wow. I'm in an environment where I can avoid basically anything though so I can perpetuate my current life style even though it isn't good overall.
This gives me a bit to think.
Currently trying to get over 15 years of heavy drug abuse. What a fitting video for the moment. He always does this. Great timing.
This video spoke to me in such a personal and profound way. Thank you for doing what you do.
Assuming doctor Alok entered into college at age of 18, and he said he was in college 22 years ago, he is probably 40 but he looks like he's 27
And what about when you have all the shame build towards yourself? That you have wronged yourself so many times because you were addicted to procrastination and self loathing?
@@ahsenwaheed1161 Exactly where im at rn🙃
At this point I’m in a cycle of addiction that doesn’t let me know what mistakes I made. Before I thought of those mistakes all the time, now I just think about them when i’m high and alone :/
Dr.K, thank you for this video. It gave me some insight about what my problem actually is and how I can approach the solution
Shame is not motivational at all.. it's literally the oposite, it leaves you not wanting to exist. I understand and agree with the point of the video but it's just worded in a simple way, not mentioning what happens to that hurtfull shame to turn into motivation to change and not to stay on the ground. How that change in perspective happens.
Shame is not a motivation for the weaklings.
Ok
So 1. Roadmap and iteration (data-collection)
2. Stop avoiding feeling shame, it fuels you to go out and iterate (inact change). Caveat: If a change doesn't change the intensity of the shame emotion, it might be toxic-shame, and that must be handled very differently. It's like if you're hungry but you never feel satiated. Feeling it is not gonna fuel you here. Can check out other videos for that.
Funnily enough, me doing this is iteration for me
15:00
This reminds me of the first time playing Morrowind and wanting to make potions. I had all these cool ideas I remember watching from videos. But until you build your skill up you couldn't make the cool combos
11:46 ...I've been attacked 😅
Did all the planning during the vegetative phase and now i'm doing it all during the flowering phase. ((:
I be spiritual like that with my plants. Ya'll can call me hopeless autistic drug addict lost in magical thinking. But know i'm pretty real :))
This is the solution to why i m stuck in my life areas. Thank you for making this transparent ❤
But my mistakes are the only friends I see on a regular basis.
Your children have names.
If that means going back to the same people and places we should avoid because otherwise we'll be more lonely than we already are, then that makes 2 of us.
@@carstuff8208 same
Thank you so much Dr. K
what about the negative spcial repercussions of being shamed tho? being ostracised? I'd rather avoid that even tho I'd prefer not to cave to shaming itself.
I have a question. This shame, which is a negative emotion, leads us to make positive change. But in another video Dr. K made, he said to not have negative emotions be what drive you to action, it should come from a positive emotion. Is this contradicting or am I misremembering?
Its about the difference between toxic shame and normal shame.normal shame is not toxic,therefore can be used to achieve positive results
Something like:
If you are just acting on negative thoughts, without the desire to learn/grow, you can fall into bad habits… buying in to the negative self-talk, blaming others, lashing out, drugs- whatever works the bad vibes out.
But wanting to be better, and find a positive future… that will lead to growth, and truly stopping a cycle of bad decisions. And that requires accepting shame, which is like a signal that you have room to grow, and need experience. And you can’t just listening to media and form theories, but actually put yourself out there and try to *be* a better you. One you are not ashamed of.
He's saying you should conform to your bullies if they'll stop harassing you once you better yourself because it's better than being alone (I disagree) but not if they'll harass you no matter what you do, that's toxic shame. He wants you to turn your enemies into friends by improving yourself. My advice would be to learn humility and don't conform to people that harass you.
That theory crafting part is so true. Somewhat related. For a while I used to think I was a furry (complicated story) and I was so jealous of America cause they had giant furry cons left and right all year long while they basically didn't exist where I live. But then I actually attended one once and I just felt... Nothing. Like I've always wanted to see people in fursuits in real life, but when I did I just didn't care as much as I thought as I would. I've never felt so out of place in my entire life.I stopped envying Americans after that
I don't see how being bullied is comparable with making mistakes. Bullies are always the ones making mistakes, not the other way around
It’s bc Dr.K most of the time is blowing smoke. He’s a guy trying to sell you a corse at the end of the day. He purposefully blurs the line of therapist and UA-cam personality to gain your trust then literally shame you into buying his product.
I agree
I think anytime i was moved by shame i actually went backwards 😂