What a fascinating conversation! I used to really beat myself up (and sometimes still do) about my lack of friends. I never really attracted many friends at all, which I thought was a particular vibe or aura I was giving off. I vividly remember asking my mum "what's wrong with me? Why will nobody be my friend?" Fast-forward to the present day, and I've come to the realisation that my autistic brain just cannot handle having lots of social wheels spinning. Therefore, I was likely unconsciously pushing others away without realising. However, as it stands, I'm very happy having one best friend, one boyfriend and a bunch of acquaintances. This all to say: maybe not all ND folk need as many friends as we think we do (?) And with regard to masking, I think I'm about 90% unmasked with my boyfriend, 100% with my family, and 50% with my best friend. I'm working on unmasking at work but it's not always met with an understanding response...what tricky lives we ND people lead! (Apologies for the essay)
Haha I like that you quantified unmasking and also ohmygerd.. the thing that you said at the end about unmasking at work being a constant tussle is so relatable for me in my life rn.. even though I work with a group of therapists.. I still find it hard to not let their visible exasperations with my unexpected bouts of intense emotional expression affect me enough to do anything besides mask around em.. I think its very tricky to deal with masking around acquaintances or essentially people that we feel a sense of obligation for being around because they say that they are happy to accept you but their non verbal cues point in a different direction.. is it exhausting to find a good middle ground in these situations..
Please, please, please would you consider making a video for neurotypical people about how to navigate friendships with autistic people? I'd love to share something with a couple of friends who I think would find that super helpful...
I started reconnecting with two autistic and adhd friends form highschool and sooo true. One of them is struggling a lot so I got the vibe to slow down and contact them slowly and not expect tons of replies since she’s going through a lot. So I take a leap to show her something I know she really likes and have a short convo and let her decide if it continues instead of forcing it bc I’m stimulated my adhd side. My other is doing better but a bit much so I am very honest and open what my expectations are and also try to compromise so she doesn’t do what I normally do and control the situation. So far I’m doing better and learning to be a better friend as I go. I still struggle alot as I also am bad at reading social skills still (since I also have autism) and it’s a learning curve so learning to be kind and considerate of urself and others is key
I just got my late autism diagnosis on the 22nd of may 2024. Just 8 days ago. I'm 43 years old. I'm forever grateful for autistic youtubers like you. It means the world to me. Thank you. 🏆❤
I find this interesting in the sense that masking is very familiar to me but only intellectually, and I am wayyy to unaware of my persona to even be able to put up performances. Yet when it comes to any/all of my interests, the reason I find social interactions draining as well as unworthwhile is that I barely if ever meet anyone who's interested and capable of interesting conversations; so I've long since given up trying to have them and just go with the inane flow and only enjoy a gathering to the extent that it's nice to be part of a group of warm people (if they are that).
I really like how you mentioned that in friendships where it’s around what’s happening in your lives, holiday planning and those kind of things, processing that stuff can be so tiring and even triggering. I’m in burnout right now and I get anxiety when friends/family call or text because I know that’s what it’s going to be. Even the question “How are you” triggers me right now, especially because I know I will have to ask the same and even when I lie and say that I am fine, they may come to me with their own problems (I also like how you guys mentioned about red flag friends that only/constantly come to you with problems because I have experienced that a lot and have some trauma from it, I heard they call it Mare crimes or something, very interesting). The friend I have no anxiety talking to right now we send a lot of memes and music and don’t always talk about these kind of things, it’s really refreshing. I also know that he is there to support me whenever I need it because he’s told me. It feels nice because it’s not a vapid friendship at all but is still light and refreshing. Thanks for sharing this video! ❤
Colors are a stim for me. I love how you two coordinate, but that yellow pillow pulling out the yellow earrings and the yellow bracelet-I’m really enjoying that!
You made my new year . I have a similar friendship with my sister ( ex by divorce ) I am autistic and she is ADHD ... we seem to yin/yang ... the best part of a broken marriage ... it's such a wonderful thing to explore each other's interests ... not like having to go to a party at all .😊
Yay Ros and Ella together again! Man, I'd love to talk to Ros about Occupational Therapy, I'm considering going down that path myself in the end but don't know if I'd be able to handle it. Learning more about it from another autistic person would be so helpful! Also, I wish I could tell what me masking is and how to unmask. I know in some situations, but I really don't think I've got a handle on it or know what to do. The fun of late diagnosis and not knowing yourself, eh? Anyway, lovely video, thanks both. 😊💜
Through my adulthood I've always had rather a lot of friends and ease making friends, but also I inadvertantly was finding friendship in spaces chock full of autistic people without knowing at the time any of us were autistic. Literally ALL of my friends are neurodivergent. We do move in herds.
Fun fact, when i got my autism diagnosis in April, the ppl who diagnosed me had a little list of like resources and stuff and you were recommended! i recognised your name on a youtube short lol.
I always wanted autistic friends I can share my interests with, but always struggled to find any when in autistic groups. I found that it's actually easier to approach it from the other angle: find groups of people sharing your interest because there will always be autistic people in that group (not necessarily diagnosed or aware of it 😂. Just look for the people who are as obsessed with the subject as you)
i loved this !! I am an autistic occupational therapist living in bristol and i desperately feel like i need a tribe who understands that !!! if you are taking applications for more friends either of you let me know 🙃😅
From experience be careful of people who tell you they love you in the first few days or friends who tell you that your their best friend before they could possibly know you . I have EDS and their not sure if I’m divergent or not he he I’m definitely sumat but all the people who have hurt me or manipulated me did one of those two things at the start .
interesting take on 'masking', as a guy, are you meaning this as the 'usual' trait of girls who have Autism, or say, in a context like I would use it, not, as a performance, as you say at 6:01, but as a "protection" for all of our condition, where we only show our good side, until we get home (our zen palace) where we can unmask and be ourselves (with family, who know about our other side, and accept us for what we are, no matter how we act).
I’ve no irl friends anymore. The last friendship I had never had a time when i wasn’t masking. And over time the friendship went away as all of the rest of my friendships have. I’ve a few friendships on instagram, that’s it though.
I've got some things that are generally considered signs of masking, though I'm not completely sure if it's masking because these seem to be traits I've only recently developed, if that makes any sense. Perhaps the real problem isn't "masking" but more, compensating by exercising more mental energy?
Before I can be authentic (unmasked) around anyone, I have to test them to see how judgmental they are. I can show them a little more of my real self until I get a negative reaction, then the mask goes up, probably never to come off again with that person. Eventually I MAY be able to show my real thoughts and feelings. Such non-judgmental people are very rare. Masking is exhausting, and lonely because I can't reveal my real self.
This was fantastically helpful for me, thankyou so much to both of you. I'd SO love to chat about this and masses of other stuff with you. I'll drop you an email.
I heard Disney and I had to ask..have you ever played Dreamlight Valley??? Such an awesome cozy game (I think they call it a life sim?) with an interesting story. Also foraging and gardening and cooking and building!!! I have it on ps5 but I am very tempted to buy it on my switch so I can take it with me. I am 32 years old and I wish I could have a whole discussion about DLV or gaming in general with a friend 🥲 currently I have one friend and she doesn’t game. Struggling a lot with feeling bitter and lonely.
What a fascinating conversation! I used to really beat myself up (and sometimes still do) about my lack of friends. I never really attracted many friends at all, which I thought was a particular vibe or aura I was giving off. I vividly remember asking my mum "what's wrong with me? Why will nobody be my friend?"
Fast-forward to the present day, and I've come to the realisation that my autistic brain just cannot handle having lots of social wheels spinning. Therefore, I was likely unconsciously pushing others away without realising. However, as it stands, I'm very happy having one best friend, one boyfriend and a bunch of acquaintances. This all to say: maybe not all ND folk need as many friends as we think we do (?)
And with regard to masking, I think I'm about 90% unmasked with my boyfriend, 100% with my family, and 50% with my best friend. I'm working on unmasking at work but it's not always met with an understanding response...what tricky lives we ND people lead!
(Apologies for the essay)
Haha I like that you quantified unmasking and also ohmygerd.. the thing that you said at the end about unmasking at work being a constant tussle is so relatable for me in my life rn.. even though I work with a group of therapists.. I still find it hard to not let their visible exasperations with my unexpected bouts of intense emotional expression affect me enough to do anything besides mask around em.. I think its very tricky to deal with masking around acquaintances or essentially people that we feel a sense of obligation for being around because they say that they are happy to accept you but their non verbal cues point in a different direction.. is it exhausting to find a good middle ground in these situations..
Please, please, please would you consider making a video for neurotypical people about how to navigate friendships with autistic people? I'd love to share something with a couple of friends who I think would find that super helpful...
I started reconnecting with two autistic and adhd friends form highschool and sooo true. One of them is struggling a lot so I got the vibe to slow down and contact them slowly and not expect tons of replies since she’s going through a lot. So I take a leap to show her something I know she really likes and have a short convo and let her decide if it continues instead of forcing it bc I’m stimulated my adhd side. My other is doing better but a bit much so I am very honest and open what my expectations are and also try to compromise so she doesn’t do what I normally do and control the situation. So far I’m doing better and learning to be a better friend as I go. I still struggle alot as I also am bad at reading social skills still (since I also have autism) and it’s a learning curve so learning to be kind and considerate of urself and others is key
I just got my late autism diagnosis on the 22nd of may 2024. Just 8 days ago. I'm 43 years old. I'm forever grateful for autistic youtubers like you. It means the world to me. Thank you. 🏆❤
I find your videos very validating but this one has been especially valuable and by pure stroke of luck, at the right time too. Thank you.
I find this interesting in the sense that masking is very familiar to me but only intellectually, and I am wayyy to unaware of my persona to even be able to put up performances. Yet when it comes to any/all of my interests, the reason I find social interactions draining as well as unworthwhile is that I barely if ever meet anyone who's interested and capable of interesting conversations; so I've long since given up trying to have them and just go with the inane flow and only enjoy a gathering to the extent that it's nice to be part of a group of warm people (if they are that).
Yay, a Roz and Ella video. I liked the suggestion for moving on from a conflict in a friendship, I'd like to give that a go. Thanks as always.
I really like how you mentioned that in friendships where it’s around what’s happening in your lives, holiday planning and those kind of things, processing that stuff can be so tiring and even triggering. I’m in burnout right now and I get anxiety when friends/family call or text because I know that’s what it’s going to be. Even the question “How are you” triggers me right now, especially because I know I will have to ask the same and even when I lie and say that I am fine, they may come to me with their own problems (I also like how you guys mentioned about red flag friends that only/constantly come to you with problems because I have experienced that a lot and have some trauma from it, I heard they call it Mare crimes or something, very interesting). The friend I have no anxiety talking to right now we send a lot of memes and music and don’t always talk about these kind of things, it’s really refreshing. I also know that he is there to support me whenever I need it because he’s told me. It feels nice because it’s not a vapid friendship at all but is still light and refreshing. Thanks for sharing this video! ❤
Colors are a stim for me. I love how you two coordinate, but that yellow pillow pulling out the yellow earrings and the yellow bracelet-I’m really enjoying that!
You made my new year . I have a similar friendship with my sister ( ex by divorce ) I am autistic and she is ADHD ... we seem to yin/yang ... the best part of a broken marriage ... it's such a wonderful thing to explore each other's interests ... not like having to go to a party at all .😊
Yay Ros and Ella together again! Man, I'd love to talk to Ros about Occupational Therapy, I'm considering going down that path myself in the end but don't know if I'd be able to handle it. Learning more about it from another autistic person would be so helpful! Also, I wish I could tell what me masking is and how to unmask. I know in some situations, but I really don't think I've got a handle on it or know what to do. The fun of late diagnosis and not knowing yourself, eh? Anyway, lovely video, thanks both. 😊💜
Through my adulthood I've always had rather a lot of friends and ease making friends, but also I inadvertantly was finding friendship in spaces chock full of autistic people without knowing at the time any of us were autistic.
Literally ALL of my friends are neurodivergent. We do move in herds.
The conflict resolution at the end made me smile ♥️🤜🏻🤛🏻 Adhd diagnosed in 40’s & trying to get autism assessment
Fun fact, when i got my autism diagnosis in April, the ppl who diagnosed me had a little list of like resources and stuff and you were recommended! i recognised your name on a youtube short lol.
I always wanted autistic friends I can share my interests with, but always struggled to find any when in autistic groups.
I found that it's actually easier to approach it from the other angle: find groups of people sharing your interest because there will always be autistic people in that group (not necessarily diagnosed or aware of it 😂. Just look for the people who are as obsessed with the subject as you)
Ella, I love your styling and vibe in this episode 🤩😎
Thank you 🤩
You, Ros and Cathy trip has to happen!!
i loved this !! I am an autistic occupational therapist living in bristol and i desperately feel like i need a tribe who understands that !!! if you are taking applications for more friends either of you let me know 🙃😅
I connect with you both so much. Thank you for the podcast.
Thanks for helping me understand and help my daughter. ❤😊
Do you ever mask without realizing it? Also the friendship between you two seems awesome
Thank you for this! You told about so many important issues
From experience be careful of people who tell you they love you in the first few days or friends who tell you that your their best friend before they could possibly know you . I have EDS and their not sure if I’m divergent or not he he I’m definitely sumat but all the people who have hurt me or manipulated me did one of those two things at the start .
interesting take on 'masking', as a guy, are you meaning this as the 'usual' trait of girls who have Autism, or say, in a context like I would use it, not, as a performance, as you say at 6:01, but as a "protection" for all of our condition, where we only show our good side, until we get home (our zen palace) where we can unmask and be ourselves (with family, who know about our other side, and accept us for what we are, no matter how we act).
Great advices, thanks❤
That was very helpful. Thank you.
I’ve no irl friends anymore. The last friendship I had never had a time when i wasn’t masking. And over time the friendship went away as all of the rest of my friendships have.
I’ve a few friendships on instagram, that’s it though.
I've got some things that are generally considered signs of masking, though I'm not completely sure if it's masking because these seem to be traits I've only recently developed, if that makes any sense.
Perhaps the real problem isn't "masking" but more, compensating by exercising more mental energy?
Thanks for sharing. What are the red tinted glasses ? Are they for a medical reason or fashion?
Wow great video! could you do more video's talking to other people or interviews? I liked the one with sammy sam, really good info!
I've never had any real life friends realistically speaking, as the majority of my friends tend to be online
yippee Rooooozzzzzzz!
Love that my (allistically designed???) software asked me if I wanted to translate this great comment into English 😂
Before I can be authentic (unmasked) around anyone, I have to test them to see how judgmental they are. I can show them a little more of my real self until I get a negative reaction, then the mask goes up, probably never to come off again with that person. Eventually I MAY be able to show my real thoughts and feelings. Such non-judgmental people are very rare. Masking is exhausting, and lonely because I can't reveal my real self.
This was fantastically helpful for me, thankyou so much to both of you. I'd SO love to chat about this and masses of other stuff with you. I'll drop you an email.
Rozs glasses remind me of the old lucozade bottle wrapping. 😅
Do we actually need friends?
I heard Disney and I had to ask..have you ever played Dreamlight Valley??? Such an awesome cozy game (I think they call it a life sim?) with an interesting story. Also foraging and gardening and cooking and building!!! I have it on ps5 but I am very tempted to buy it on my switch so I can take it with me. I am 32 years old and I wish I could have a whole discussion about DLV or gaming in general with a friend 🥲 currently I have one friend and she doesn’t game. Struggling a lot with feeling bitter and lonely.