Friends When You're Autistic (A Chat With My Neurodivergent Friends)
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- Опубліковано 7 жов 2021
- Friends when you're autistic (a chat with my neurodivergent friends). I got together with my good friends who are also neurodiverse to talk about the challenges we have experienced with friendship, and what it's like to have friends who also have autism, ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia.
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I was diagnosed with autism at 30 this year a few months ago and I've struggled with friendships all my life. I always have one or two really close friends and a lot of acquaintances. I don't know if anyone else experiences this but oftentimes my friendships become a bit one-sided. I wind up always being the one having to reach out and initiate visits. It gets really draining and I don't know if it's just the culture these days and everyone is just super busy or what my mind tends to lean is "Was it something I did?" or "Did I say the wrong thing?" This was great hearing from you three ladies, thank you for sharing!
Hi Whitney, I’m sure it’s painful for you and it breaks my heart to hear you’re struggling with this issue. Making friends these days is really hard for everyone, but I feel and understand your pain. Have you asked a therapist to help you how to make friends and make small talk? My therapist has helped me loads with small talk and it’s very painful to do but you’ll get better at making friends. I’ve had a hard time making friends until I moved. Maybe you should find a place where they cater to autistic people, then you won’t feel this pain of struggling with making and keeping friends. I hope my advice helps! Take care. 💚
@@lyra9988 Thanks Lyra, I appreciate it. We actually did move recently 2 months ago from Montana to Pennsylvania in search of better services and support for my autistic son who is nonverbal. I think once I get the courage to put myself out there I'll find more individuals like me. I have a therapist so I'll chat to her about your suggestions. Thanks for your kind input, take care :)
@Whitney I feel the same way. I end up feeling like I'm always the one who has to reach out and eventually I stop because I think "if they actually wanted to be my friend they would contact me." Eventually no one contacts each other :( wish it wasn't like this.
@@Ren_1312 thank you for sharing your experience, it's good to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Take care! ❤
You’re not alone! 32 and I’ve always struggled like this.
I'm autistic and I don't know if it's the autism or just me but I feel like I've grown out of friendships, like I don't need them anymore. I have my husband, my mom, and one good friend that I talk to, and anything more than that feels like too much. I'm always in my own little world and stay so internal with the things I want to do alone that it's hard to make time for other people.
same I dont have autism but my mom tells me I do, anyways I'm thinking about eliminating all my friends, well...not all, I'll just keep 1, me & him are so similar,
we're twins! I am hipper than him though but we played everyday from 3 o'clock to 8 aclock on school days & the weekends except it'll be 12 aclock to 8 aclock xd I'll wakeup around 11 & get ready to go outside & SOMETIMES I'll see him outside my door & other times I'll have to walk to his door to see if he wants to play, and of course his answer will be yes😌 it was so much fun, we both got bullied by the same girl, it was so sad, he stopped getting bullied when I came around, the girl switched over to me & i got bullied from 1st grade to 5th grade, i protected my bestfriend from her whenever she approached us, the girl even tried to say things like "you guys like eachother🤣🤣" she is so annoying, & she also tried to trick me to step on literal poop, she thought I was THAT dumb to do that🙄
anyways imma stick with my bestfriend & live with my mom cause I dont want to get my own house right away
The misfits... I love it.
That is how I made friends. I ended up hanging out with the other people who didn't really have a specific friend group. And they became my friends by default.
This is very helpful. I have always struggled with navigating friendship's since I was a child....I am now 34 and still struggle. I don't have any friends but I would like to learn how. Thanks for sharing!
It was lovely to "meet" Cathy and hear from someone who doesn't have the official autism diagnosis. There are lots of people who think that unless you have a diagnosis, your neurodivergence is somehow less authentic.
I listened to the 3 of you with a smile on my face. Thanks for a great video.
Being the "maker of plans" is such a valuable asset to a friendship or group of friends. I've NEVER been even remotely close to that role due to my executive functioning difficulties. Recently, I've had a lot less going on socially. I've realized that it's because the various makers of plans that I hung out with have moved away and the people around me also struggle a bit with that role. It's like everyone misses out when people who can make plans and decisions for things aren't around. It's certainly not for a lack of wanting to do things. I'd been thinking that I've become "less social" lately, when in reality, the people I relied on to make things happen just aren't around to provide those opportunities.
I was so relieved when the makers of plans moved away because I was getting so burnt out from socialising. No matter how infrequently I attended events I just never managed to get enough rest from it all.
@@yaknowamsayin At first, I was too! I was constantly invited to do things. While that made me feel good to be included, I also got super burnt out and eventually had to start saying "no" more frequently. However, now that those people aren't around anymore, there's not much to say no or yes to. I don't want the level of socializing I had in college, because that was literally constant, but, I wouldn't mind a bit more than zero lol
I will watch this later. However, I pretty much given up on making friends. They just dropped me and stop talking to me. Sometimes it really hurts because I don't know what I did. I am 56 years old - I've had a thousand jobs and a thousand friends and some wives. The world has never been ready for me but I'll keep smiling and doing my best anyway. Thank you for your videos. You are very down to earth involving the autism spectrum and relating the struggles in a language we can all understand.
The part where Ella says "Do you want to be in control, or not?!" I so relate to that. Thanks, I shall remind myself of that next time I'm feeling sorry for myself! 🙂
I see that you all have two different drinks! I was made aware that that is a common thing in neurodiverse people. To have multiple drinks to choose from.
😲🤯 well this makes perfect sense
in hindsight…
When I saw someone I knew from school living just across the street, we made plans to get together, and do some things together, and we ended up being best friends I have autism (Asperger's), and it turned out that he had ADHD, so maybe that's why we clicked together the way we did. When it comes to girlfriends though, I don't understand how that works.
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was ten years old. I have six close friends who I’ve had since middle school and high school. Four of them are also neuro divergent and we all can just be our normal selfs. Two of them are clearly Nero typical. Sometimes I get weird faces I say weird things but they just accept me for who I am. With saying that I’ve been trying to watch videos of people who were diagnosed with ADHD and autism. I’m pretty sure I have both. I’ve really only started on this journey because of my son. I have got him in early intervention he is 3. It’s hard at 3 to be fully diagnosed with anything. I hear the people who help with his early intervention bring up traits he shows with possibly having autism. I see a lot of traits of ADHD. All my family say awe he dose all the little quirky things you used to do at that age. I just found out this year my mom said I didn’t start talking until I was 3 1/2 years old. I got my son in early intervention because he also has a speech delay. Watching videos though of other people on the spectrum has opened my eyes a lot of other things. I have always masked depending on who I am around definitely when I am in work mode or when I was in schooling I didn’t know that was a thing until this year and a lot of women and girls go undiagnosed until they are adults because of masking and I’m just mind blown. Many times I ask my husband if I said anything that was mean or too blunt to my mom. She has said many of times I don’t think you meant to hurt me but you did. In those conversations I always feel blindsided because I really didn’t mean to come off that way. I thought she was just asking me a honest question which then I would give a honest answer. I can only handle my mom for so long wearing a mask for so long is exhausting honestly. My mom always says I wished we were closer. I feel like she just doesn’t understand me and how my brain works. Sometimes I will ask my husband was I too blunt or is she just too sensitive??? I really do have social issues. I tend to gravitate more towards people who can be very blunt because I don’t have to double guess who they are what you see is what you get that honestly relaxes me because I know I can be my true self because they are there true self. I feel like that’s probably weird to say but feels like my truth. I always feel like I’m weird around some people.
You are all SUCH beautiful, wonderful people. I wish I could be your friends or at least find a group like yours. Thank you for sharing your experiences 😊💖
This is my favourite video of yours I think it's a really great way to discuss different internal perspectives of autistic people.
But it's also great to watch such a lovely friend group and to see the different personalities to break down some of the stigma in the autism world.
That was a cool video. Would definitely love to see this become a kind of a regular show. As a freshly diagnosed autistic, I don't have any ND friends and it's going to be difficult to find them, since adult autistics are practically unheard of in Croatia. I'll try to contact the place that did my assessment to see if they organize some kind of get togethers for grown ups.
Loved watching this, related in so many ways. I envy the relationship you have each other, one day I hope to have a friendship like this
Thanks, it's taken me so long to find this and I truly hope you find friends who make you feel understood too.
I am 42 and have been a SAHM for 17 years. Now I have 3 kids with Autism, AHDH and other chronic pain disorders I'm really realizing now how much I've struggled in my life and just didn't realize that it wasn't normal. I school friends and work friends but that was all really. Now my kids want friends and I realize that I don't know how to really make friends. It's kind of sad. My son still talks about kids he saw one time at a playground as his friends and he didn't even know their name. I was going to try to put him in Scouts or something before Corona but since the whole family is high risk he has been homeschooled and just never had any opportunities to make friends.
Basically we all need friends but it's hard when people aren't understanding. My house will probably never be clean enough that I'll invite them over. We will probably cancel 3/5 times because of pain and doctors appointments. We aren't available in the am because my pain makes me not able to sleep. We don't have money for outings because I can't work. Half the time my car isn't running because I don't have money to fix it. So many issues all stemming from poor health that people don't understand.
I'd love to be pain free, go to work, send the kids to school and join the PTA. It's not like i choose to use a cane and barely be able to walk. Noone wants to live like this.
So lovely to see Roz again! She is so honest and open and just seems like such a super person.
I always found I'd hang out with neurodivergent people and relate to them much more. Unless we had issues where someone's stimming, was someone else's sensory trigger, and that's the hardest part. Like if someone likes noisy stims, but someone else has misophonia. That's what I'm struggling with at home. Thankfully at school it was pretty good, most of us were annoyed by the same things, but some of the teachers with ADHD found students stimming too distracting and they couldn't teach, but we couldn't listen, and it was a learning experience for how to find new stims that weren't as distracting.
I'm so flustered because I have a ton of issues that present at autism. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm masking or not half the time. I'm a INFJ Myers-Briggs type. I have PTSD from early childhood trauma and I'm a highly sensitive person. I don't have any close friends at all. Nonetheless, I read social ques very well, even if I am occasionally overly direct. I relate to your friend as appearing VERY okay in front of people and inside being very NOT okay. I also relate to you in that feeling that rejection is the end of the world, but I'm also an Adoptee who was rejected by her adoptive mother as well as her birth mother. Honestly, lucky to be alive with all I have going on inside of my head and heart. Doctors and therapists seem clueless when it comes to me. I suppose I just keep on doing the best I can, even though it's quite lonely at times. I'm also an obsessive researcher. I mean I will research something that interests me for days and hours on end. 😅 I'm totally open to suggestions. I'm okay alone, but it seems like life could be better with people in my life.
I've always found the point of seeking out friends vs meeting organically, interesting. I discovered recently that the people who have been the most 'day-one' friends were the ones who I actively sought out (perhaps even with light stalking haha), and oftentimes, the 'I fell into this group cause of school/work' groups ended up having a big moment of misunderstanding my words/actions and then shunning me (especially if the leader/s of the group is involved).
Separately, I tend to be suspicious of individual women who are a little nicer to me than what is required by our level of knowledge of each other because I can't understand why (is it pity cause I'm socially awkward? what have I done/shown to deserve this seemingly unconditional niceness?). I have one friend who sought me out first and it was such a strange feeling, and it's hard to read her, I sort of suspect shes neurodivergent so we arent the best at consistent contact but from her actions, I know that she really wants the best for me.
This was nice. Good to have lots of different and worthy points of view from ND peeps.
Love to hear talks on topics of how you found careers that work for you, what you do to relax/de-stress/unburden, and things you have overcome since realising you are ND.
Thanks.
omggggg friend spreadsheet is suuuuuch a good idea, as I find it soooo stressful havin too many friends lmao
I love watching your videos, your personality and happy attitude cheers me up. with somone with adhd and autism
You have a beautiful energy💗💗💗💗. Thank you for sharing!
Good for you for being a plan instigator... Seems very important. From my perspective. I'm highly deficient at it. I have a friend who is the same and we make plans like... Twice a year if we're lucky. Prior to being adult people were always around... School, college etc your friends are already there... Now plans actually have to be made in order to spend time with friends. Still trying to figure out out.
So excited for this!! 😊💕
So lovely to meet Cathy and Roz!
I absolutely love you guys! Thanks for making this ❤️😊
Wow everything that was said matches how I feel down to a T. Such a minefield trying to prioritise friends and fit them into your life whilst also feeling like you have no one around. Interesting video thabkyou 🥰
I love Bristol
I often make arrangements with my also autistic friend but both of us always make it a tentative date and most times one or the other will cancel yet we get on so well when we're together?! Why do we back out?
I have never really done friendship well. Nothing lasting anyway, nobody I really felt comfortable doing things with socially, let alone confide in or feel truly close to. I tried a bunch of different masks over the years but always fatigued and wound up checking out, severing contact. No one ever seemed to mind. Fact is, I can't abide superficial chit-chat, am not interested in a lot of the things others seem to enjoy doing, or, now, as EDS makes itself more and more known, I don't feel physically up to much, making me feel like nothing but a wet blanket. I know the issues are further compounded by childhood abuse at my mom's hand and later being betrayed by a young lady that feigned overtures of friendship only to take my first husband from me. So...obviously, I don't trust other females much. I have a few ladies in my community that seem like they would like to be closer but I don't really know if I can trust it to work out. Watching this video makes me long to try.
Edited to add sorry for rambling on here. Been watching several of your videos as they pop up in suggestions and processing a TON. Doing so on youtube with people I don't know yet can really relate to has been helping a lot. Thank you.
I've been referred for assessment because, from Speaking with her my GP Dr Strickland does think I am on the Autism spectrum and ADHD.
Loved this, thank you all of you! I'm just wondering whether you think people can have RSD if they've not also got ADHD..? I've got a BPD diagnosis which I now feel like could be explained by being autistic (which I am diagnosed as) & having RSD - is that even a *thing*? It's also made me think more about my friendships over the years & how they might have been impacted by my autism - especially pre-diagnosis. This was really interesting anyway, look forward to more of them in the future - thanks again. 😊
Yes I think you can have RSD as a result of bad experiences, and trauma (I'm not a doctor just my opinion) I think mine is also connected to that too.
@@PurpleElla Thanks Ella, hearing that from you feels validating even if you aren't a professional!
I would like to see you both juggle together and hear more about your juggling career ;-) . Ah, I see I broke the rules - wrong video... This was intended for the Mr Purple vlog.
I am neurodivergent and have neurotypical friends. Who are understanding. Cat has a son on the Autism spectrum.
❤️💜💛👍🏼
Hellooo!
Hi!!
noticing mochi earrings
They're sushi earrings and I made them 😊
@@PurpleElla your comment made me come back to look at your sushi earrings because I was actually talking about Roz's bubble tea earrings but they are both super cute
@@Authentistic-ism oh cool, they are actually my bubble tea earrings too - she borrowed them for the video and I love them
What are ur pronouns?
My pronouns are she/they