Children of the Narcissist - The Golden Child
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- Опубліковано 21 лис 2020
- In this video Darren Magee discusses the role of the Golden child, one of the children of the narcissist, and the dynamics of the narcissistic family which often operates like a cult. The narcissistic parent or parents often assign roles to their children to triangulate and create unhealthy competition and envy through emotional manipulation. Common characteristics of the golden child include grandiosity and bullying of their siblings - scapegoat / mascot / forgotten child
can become adept at narcissistic manipulation
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I have two demonic npd parents who I no longer talk to. These are very dangerous people so please be careful. The golden child always bullied me and I hate her guts until this day. In fact, my whole family can go to hell!
Mother is an enabler, father a narcissist, my sister an extreme perfect image of the Golden child, older brother the lost child. And me, the scape goat
I was an only child, I was all the roles depending on my parents moods
Yes, the roles can often shift from child to child
@@DarrenFMagee Is it common for the golden child to recognize and feel so bad for the scapegoat in teen years, that they sabotage all of their talent and ambition so that the scapegoat becomes the Golden child, but then they see how that doesn't make either of their lives any better. And once the adult child scapegoat leaves, the Golden child becomes the Golden child again in adulthood? So their life essentially is on pause forever? (This is what I have started pondering during therapy.)
Everyone is different and l think there can always be exceptions. Hard to answer definitively but perhaps yes it could be possible
I feel ur pain..
I was the scapegoat but I always rejected that title from about 12 onwards
It made me totally independent ...
To this day I don't care what other people think
Freedom
My eldest sister is the golden child in our family dinamic. It's sad... I am a scapegoat. It is very hurtful. But I am now just gonna pray for them. Cause it's just too draining for me. I need my peace.
My experience has been to watch them parent the partner and partner the child.....the golden child. And I came to recognise the cult-like requirement to conform...disturbing!
Thank you for your insightful videos 👍
Everything you say makes so much sense to me.
My husband thinks he was his mother's favorite child. I know now that husband is a covert narcissist and after this video, I have no doubt he was the golden child. They were seven siblings, none of them are even talking to him anymore (I wonder why) and he is the only one that looks just like his mother.
Thank you for clearing up my mind.
I certainly was a bully to my brother, though I thought that was what siblings were supposed to do. That guilt and my distaste of being loved conditionally, I think holds me back from doing anything with my life. I don't want to be noticed or loved.
I think you have a point about how narcissist parents choose their golden child. My mother’s a covert narcissist and she chose my sister as her golden child. My sister is a spitting image of my mom. So, your theory might have a leg to stand on.
I was the scapegoat. My theory is that the narcissist parent chooses the scapegoat that looks like or reminds them of their spouse/partner. I’ve always been like my dad (and my mom always looked down on dad). Throughout my entire childhood and well into my late teens I endured relentless physical, emotional and psychological torment. The beatings were very bad. As an adult I still get into a ptsd like state if I see physical violence in real life. I freeze up both mentally and physically.
When I get a bad dream I see my own face covered in blood, which incidentally something my mother did to me repeatedly. To the outside world my mother has always been Ms. PERFECT. Working through it one step at a time.
Yes, my Son looks like me and is a similar personality and has similar interests that were always rubbished. My Daughter looks like her Dad and plays football so she is the golden child to him. The more I research, the more I know all this to be true.
I just hope I can do enough to save my Daughter from becoming like him.
That's very sad that your own mother beat you up
You described my golden sister perfectly & my mothers relationship - she was isolated from me & my brother & other kids - she was kept close to my mother always. My mother monitored her constantly & ingrained grandiosity into my sister. Just like scapegoat child got ingrained trauma the golden child got ingrained grandiosity
Yup. Same here.
Yep...spot on🙏💞
I was the golden child out of 8 kids and my brother directly younger than me is the scapegoat. I have always been a good kid because it's scary to fail, you dont know what's going to happen or if you'll get the same love afterwards, it's very stressful to maintain while taking over a parental role to 2 toddlers. But during this my brother would get the most abuse from my step father, I couldnt stand it, I became his "therapist" as he says. Whenever he is dealing with stuff we talk about it and I assure him someone in the family loves him unconditionally and cares about his needs and feelings. I try to encourage him to be himself and not compare to me, like my parents have told him. I realized my parents mistakes and I make the effort to avoid those tendencies to make my life better.
Ps. I look almost exactly like my mom
You have my sympathy, but I love how you are helping your brother with such compassion. Hope that's going well for both your sakes. I'm the image of my covert narc mother, and sound like her as well. But I'm a world apart in nature. Sounds as if you suffer that horrible burden as well. I couldn't look in a mirror until I was in my 50s.
This is my brother. My parents invested in him and not me.
My family always "shhh"ed me. They made me belive that I was so insignificant. Then when I did speak up, I was "just" trying to get attention.
Darren, very interesting. I’ve become increasing aware of my family dynamics of late, my mothers narcissistic personality, me being the scapegoat in my family with my younger brother a text book ‘golden boy.’ When you are living with this dynamic it can be so hard to see through the weeds but you videos have been very helpful. Thank you.
My parents chose my older sister as their Golden Child. They created a Frankenstein monster.
This is probably the BEST description of a golden child that I have ever heard! It is so real, so exact, so easy to understand!
The narcissistic parent often switches their kids roles. Is this just dependant on the child's performance, the mood of the parent or a deliberate attempt to keep them in a state of competition and fear?
That's a good question, and I'd say both are true
It does feel like triangulation. This video has opened my eyes to more of my own attention seeking and using my brother as the scapegoat until I couldn't take it anymore. Now I'm just the golden disappointment.
I'm so ready to be done with this curse.
Absolutely
Excellent description of the golden child
Thank you
I think my mom switched my sister and I's roles on occasion but I was primarily the scapegoat. (I'm the one that looks the most like her.) My sister would do things and I would get in trouble for them. My sister learned to be extremely manipulative and is now a narc herself. Looking back, I was stuck in the middle and nothing I did was ever good enough. My mom was also extremely skilled at isolating me, which she didn't really do to my sister.
These women don't deserve the title of mother. I sometimes refer to mine as the biological tube which birthed me. It feels good to distance myself emotionally from her. I pretend she's my least favourite aunt, not my mother. It helps a little.
@@yamlwoz my mom has passed away so I don't have to deal with that anymore. I can't imagine her still being here, which is sad to say but true.
@@rachelb4235 I'm really glad to hear that you are free from any new damage. I find lately that I'm quite envious of people who lost their parents at an earlier age than I am now. I know it's a dreadful thing to feel and admit to, but well... I'm not the person who caused my disdain towards mine. She's lived longer than any of her 3 gorgeous siblings. There's something very wrong about that, but me flapping like a dying fish doesn't change anything 😂 She's 86, I'm 65. Can I outlive her? Sigh. We shall see. It's lovely to know there are people out there no longer being tortured, though I know that doesn't undo the pain of years of torture. My love and understanding to you ❤️
Great video, really well explained. Your videos have made me understand how family can dynamics operate, when a narcissist is involved. The point of fear and competition within the family can be so toxic, its like they're never good enough. Its also made me aware of grandiose attention seeking & the reasons for this arrogant behaviour.
You see that thing about competition? Man, it is very and more toxic than a polluted air. I honestly do not understand why they promote this dynamic and bring chaos and confusion between your kids. Like why?
So funny you mentioned the other siblings getting in trouble when the Golden Child did something wrong. When my sister refused to clean her room, I got a spanking because I was the oldest. However, if I didn't clean my room, I also got a spanking of which she didn't have to bear the burden of
I wish there was a potential parent test before these monsters were allowed to breed. Though my mother has everyone fooled that she's so sweet and kind that she'd have passed it anyway. You have my understanding and empathy ❤️
@@yamlwoz i felt that and i second this.
I Escape-goated, ridiculously painful. I can't wait to watch their fake ass image crumble. My sister is a narcissist now, not once did she ever reach out through everything.
validating
My youngest our Daughter has been treated as a golden child. She looks the spitting image of her Dad and has his eyes. He sees her as an extension of himself. I actually hate him for what he has done to me and my two children. My new partner and I can see the brainwashing that is occurring and it is heartbreaking. My Son and I thankfully have an excellent relationship but he has been impacted psychologically by his Dad in so many ways.
My new partner was in the army for 24 years and said he is using manipulation and control techniques. He said he saw my whole demeanour change when I spoke to my ex on the phone.
It is the worst kind of abuse I have ever suffered and I have been scarred for life. My biggest worry now is for the psychological safety of my children. Me and my Daughter were inseparable. She was the one who raised the alarm and said to me that we need justice at age 10. She now believes her Dad has changed.. his tactics have but he hasn't. He blocked both Children once because I wouldn't respond to him. She is scared of losing him and his approval. He spends a fortune on her as he believes with the right "encouragement" she can become a professional footballer. Our Son on the other hand has been completely overlooked by him. Your analysis is spot on.
He has even threatened to home School her. That would mean she is with him constantly.
He is extremely unstable. I wish I would have put the child protection order in place now but I felt guilty at the time and he had threatened me not to come in between him and the children.
You absolutely nail the narcissist. I've got hours of recordings of the abuse because I was doubting myself all the time.
I know it is going to take a lot of therapy to heal.
Right on! Nice work…👍
Your videos are spot on! My ex narc was 1 of 3 girls and she looked exactly like her mother, i even mistakenly thought her mother was her in a childhood picture!
I’m a stepmom to a golden child. The children have regular psychologist dates (when the mother feels like not sabotaging them of course - she initiated this, but when it turned out she couldn’t use it in her favor, it’s not important anymore) BUT the psychologist says if the divorce never happend the children would not need the extra support. My question is: is there a chance for the childrens psychologist to see the dynamic with the mother? There’s a clear and obvious loyalty conflict in the oldest child, she’s also the golden child. She’s treated differently when she’s with us because when don’t value one child over the other. I’m also puzzled on how that affects her - she’s treated like a normal child here. I can only hope that the experience she has with us gives her the strength in the future to see what’s the right decision for her life.
I was the golden child and scapegoat. I was very aware at the dynamic between my narcissistic family of my mum, dad, and sister. My sister resented and would bully me because of the reaction, I would try to connect with my sister to have some kind of loving relationship, and she still resents me to this day- even though I am fully the scapegoat of the family. However, any time any of them can live through me or take credit for something I did- they’ll do it, but this is mostly dad. As of today, my sister is treated like the golden child and at the same time respected as an adult, because she’s married, graduated, and appears stable. I am not the scapegoat because I’m single, about to graduate with two degrees, and am living at home because I can’t afford to get away yet. But the instant I have enough money- I might disappear. I’ve always done my best to understanding, open minded, empathetic, have gone to therapy since I was very young, and have made an exceptional amount of effort to stay rational, logical, present, etc., but I’m so exhausted from trying to win over any of their love, that it doesn’t seem worth it to me to stay in contact. It’s like the older I’ve gotten, they fight the idea of my independence, they’ve “forgotten” who I am and act as such, and they self project constantly- and then wonder why I am more distant but won’t tolerate and feedback or criticism whatsoever. I am now overly considerate, people pleasing, self doubting constantly at this point.
You don't need nobody's love just love yourself
I'd like to share my two cents on the topic.
I was the golden child growing up, my older brother was the scapegoat. Our Father fought for us for the first few years after my mom got more and more narcisistic but eventually stopped from exhaustion. I have problems with people pleasing, lack of emotional awareness, social anxiety, underdeveloped personality. But. I am working on all of that. The "possitive" side is that in order to please my parents I worked my ass off in becoming a first class software developer. I am lucky she approved me going into that field that I liked. However, I cut contact with my mother a few weeks ago and doing emotionally better and better. The pressure that I put on myself is finally released. I don't try to please mom, I don't try to avoid here rage anymore and become more and more myself. I think I can heal from theses wounds. I currently learn to feel joy and begin to acutally like my life. I really am worried of becoming a narcisist(entitled, self centered) myself because I don't want to put that on anybody. I guess the fact that I care is a good sign.
I'm the image of my covert narc mother. Sound like her and shared mannerisms as well. All of which sickens me, but that's another topic. Of younger twin brothers, 1 shares our looks and the other is very much like my dad's family. Much as mother hated my father, the boy that looked like him is still mother's favourite. She reckoned he was most like her in nature. Nope! None of the children are narcs by any means. Hers wasn't genetic narcissism, it was health and hospital issues in her very young childhood. I understand, but it wasn't my fault. Yet I believe I've suffered more than she ever did because of it.
Thanks Darren. My Golden sister looks a lot like my mum.
Exceptions galore. Two narcissistic families - is a very small sample size. I’m thankful you’re trying to explain the Golden child concept - however your suggestions, based on my 30 years as a licensed counselor and clinical supervisor are not all that valid.
What do I do if I’ve married the golden child. He can see the structure of his family however it’s very hard interacting with them all at a gathering especially because we now have 3 boys together!
Boy, i tell ya, the more you learn about the golden child, the more you feel sorry for them. If only all of the scapegoat children knew what you know growing up. There are some families where the scapegoat children bully and torture golden child out of jealousy. And the favoring parent doesn't do anything to stop it. Sure, they may beat the other children, but nothing to correct the situation to make sure it stops. Because deep down, they love the tension between their children because narcissists thrive in drama and chaos. But the scapegoat children almost alway wake up to the nac parent's game and write them off as adults. And believe it or not, there are even rare cases where the golden child wakes up to the narc parent's ture nature and all of the children end up writing them off as adults and now have a terrific relationship because of it. A very rare case, but it happens.
I think in a lot of ways the golden child is much more damaged than the scapegoat child
Nah not at all lol they live in a world of delusion and privilege 😂
Both are damaged. My nan was the narc, it was generational as she was scapegoat child born 1920 out of wedlock and turned against her younger step siblings. She repeated that with her own children then with her grandchildren. Loveless and sad.
Couldn have said it any better. I am just getting this fact right in my early 30s as i have been the "golden child". And man that role is more toxic than anything toxic.
Not true.
later as everybody ages what happens to the golden child when the narcissistic parent pass away?
I come from a family of two siblings (one twin sister and an older sister) and a matriarch who knew how to put on a show let's just say. My twin sister was always seen as the poor helpless soul who needed to be protected and could do no harm. Would she still be the golden child?
Thanks
can you be the mascot and the scape goat?
i was definitely the scape goat, and i would use a guess a certain charm to lighten the mood
Can the middle child be a golden child
The golden child can be whichever they favour, the role of course can change from time to time
. I am married to a Golden child🙈
Good luck, they’re often narcissists themselves!
🥺 me too
One night, when I was 5, my mom said “I’m lonely for a man. One of you has to sleep in my bed.” My brother said he didn’t want to. Because I was the scapegoat, I didn’t get a choice. So I was both the scapegoat and the substitute partner. She didn’t try to have sex with me. But she left pornographic magazines on the night stand. She would read a book and I would look at the magazines. Then she would tell me about my father and her former sex life with him, using vague language. Then she would force me to spoon naked, and completely immobilized me as if I were a pillow and I would have to lay there pretending to be an inanimate object until she woke up.
❤
Curious. I now, after living in a narcissistic relationship and not recognizing it for what it is, can observe impartially. My spouses sons are from a previous marriage. All three sons have different mothers. There’s one for you! I note that the 2 older sons, who had little exposure to their father, are idolized by the father. In fact, the father lives vicariously through those sons. The father speaks highly of their achievements, with blushing admiration, and concludes his boasting of those two as if HE, in fact, acquired their accolades. Then there is the 3rd son. The Disappointment. As if intentionally sculpted by the father to serve as a Whipping Post. The father criticizes him so ferociously that I realized “He’s speaking about himself. Oh my God!” Now, the father, my spouse, is palliative with Stage 4 liver cancer. He stays solitary for the majority of the day and has lifted the draw-bridge to his very existence. Emotional fortification. One tries to be empathic to a person, but can only see malevolence. We are a very curious animal. 🦧