I don't feel I had parents. Basically, I had food and shelter providers. The idea was they "loved" me because, well, I'm their child and a member of the family. But they didn't know what proper nurturing really was. The lack of support wasn't obvious because it wasn't a "broken home." And because I was always financially provided with all the basics yet not given guidance or taught anything at all, I was still living at home and still given food and shelter all through my 20s and told I had it easy. Wasn't prepared for life. It was like I wasn't independent and yet I had no one to depend on (at least emotionally). No one ever asked me about my homework or talked to me about getting a job or about how I felt or anything that was going on with me. I had a lot of "problems" and saw a therapist and my family expected me to "change" (which contributed to an inferiority complex). But I now realize there was never anything "wrong" with me in itself but that I didn't get any guidance and so didn't have the experiences that would lead to me psychologically developing properly and felt very isolated and alienated. It wasn't because I was weak or that I didn't take responsibility for my life, as I was told. If my family had been more involved in my life and suggested to me extracurricular activities or if they didn't just give me money without suggesting or teaching me how to get a job or how work = money, I wouldn't have been half as confused and messed up.
i am totally at the very same place. furthermore, my parents left me in the whole country all alone when i was 14 because they thought that i was old enough. now if u go and ask, they never accept this. but oh yes i have a house and never had an issue of money.
@@stormchaser419 I've seen "emotionally immature parents" and "narcissistic parenting". Unfortunately I had his situation too (female) but with all other forms of non-physical abuse that I thought were basically normal until recently and now see where all my issues come from (and I'm 30 😮💨). There really needs to be abuse awareness month with the whole spectrum of it and how it affects the victim. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, or hysterical, or drunk, or enraged, or look like a bad home most of the time. It can look normal and jolly (or at least they are) to the point of just thinking someone's being a jerk today. There needs to be a parenting-ed course. Both fully covered in highschool, not just the fake baby bit, and a passing course like driver's ed. You can't physically stop someone from reproducing but you can put peer pressure for the course and a watch list for CPS. Specifically, there was emotional neglect, emotional abuse, covert abuse. Emotionally unavailable parents, ADHD/mistake shaming, no compliments (outside rare awkward cookie cutter ones), my mom not caring my dad's being a jerk to me, leaving me out of things, hating on all my nerd friends after elementary, not being allowed to date because they didn't wana do sex-ed, frequently saying "maybe" to something and then later clarifying they actually meant no. I didn't know being a jerk was abuse. And it's not quite abuse, but being a girl and combining it with the aforementioned kinda makes it so. Not styling my hair or cloths and no compliments on my looks. I didn't know it subconsciously made me think I was ugly when I actually have decent looks. How did that happen with peers? Their low emotional intelligence did not help a child develop their own with ADHD already impairing that, plus learning disabilities, silent seizures, and later bad acne. And never asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up or even mentioning that I need to think about it senior year. I tried collage like everyone else was doing, took basic starter courses, but didn't wanna be anything so I quit. No financial practice. No driving lessons. No paying for (or part of) the car. Let alone hardly saying anything on adulting. And having a health issue as a kid made me subconsciously pick up being a burden. I could see how much of a hassle it was every hospital visit, and being a picky eater just added to it. Kids aren't stupid, they just can't put everything into words yet. They can see their parents are stressed out, etc., and the child will absorb that but not necessarily put it away in the right folder. Maybe my parents have autism, maybe they have ADHD, maybe they have neglect/abuse (which can be misdiagnosed as autism), maybe they're covert narcissists, maybe they have Alexithymia (which ppl with autism, ADHD, and narcissism have). I'm not a professional.
1. Very few childhood memories or big blank spot in childhood. 2. Don't know. ( as a child, you were not allowed to express anything. ) 3. Perfectionism. 4. Feeling numb and empty. 5. Low self esteem. 6. Cannot ask need or help. 7. Cannot say no. People pleaser. 8. Relationship instability. 9. Think of change a person. False power. 10. You stay busy in order not feel yourselves. 11. Grandiose. 12. Domineering and controlling. 13. Success and achievement oriented. 14. Critical and judgemental. 15. Think you are strong and can do yourself, so you treat other partners like dirt.
Things CEN teaches you, subliminally. 1. You are inherently flawed. 2. You are inferior to others. 3. Your emotions don’t matter. 4. You don’t matter. 5. Others emotions matter. 6. Others are human; you are not good enough to exist as a human and must assist others and view life on the sidelines. 7. Don’t hurt others’ feelings. If they hurt yours, that’s okay, because you are inferior and not worthy of having emotions. 8. You are not good enough. 9. You must strive for perfection, so you will have a chance at being “good enough”. Striving for perfection is the only way to invite less criticism. Perfection is your only way out to start existing. While others seem imperfect, they were just born superior. 10. You can’t say “no” because you are nothing and not worthy enough to say “no”. 11. You are flawed, and it is your fault. You are inherently “bad”. 12. You don’t count enough to have a valid opinion. 13. You feel shame for existing.
I was emotionally neglected by my mum. I was invisible.. she only did what she had to do to keep me alive. She hardly ever spoke to me. Was so much neglect that I had no language, meaning I had no vocabulary to communicate.. no pencils, no books hardly any warm clothing. Remember having holes in My shoes and my feet got wet from wet weather. No coat to keep me warm. She was never their for me. Not once told me she loved me never complimented me, always said no when i asked for things eg, pencils, or skipping rope ect. Just the little things. My life been emotionally tuff beyond comprehension.. now I’m 67 have autoimmune disease, depression, living in government housing which I hate. Guess without a stable foundation during childhood we suffer long term to a never ending emotionally
My heart breaks for you. I grew up without knowing much about my father (parents were separated and he worked away). My mother told me before she died that she had "already done all those mothering things" with older siblings and since my twin and I were a surprise, she "was glad there were 2 of us, so we could be there for each other". I was "the leader" and made all the decisions for us. I spent hours under beds, behind headboards and in closets rocking myself until I fell asleep. After years of therapy, pastoral prayer, etc. I still am hyper independent, lonely, and isolate. I am getting better and since the beginning of my life was traumatic, I am determined to have a fantastic finish.
When I was younger, I used to think my upbringing had nothing to do with my "problems" but now I see it does. I didn't realize I was neglected until I was middle age. Now I think if anyone thinks their upbringing has nothing to do with the way they are, they are probably just not aware. Upbringing, whether it's something someone did to you OR neglected to do, has a whole lot to do with how a person turns out. In fact, it's probably the cause of most "mental problems." In spite of this fact, need to stop "blaming" and start healing.
I was emotionally abused and neglected. And, I agree, I have not ever met a person that wasn’t emotionally abused. We were taught toxic things, and it’s up to us to break toxic patterns and learn how to heal from the pain of our past traumas.
Dr. Kenny, This is very enlightening. I have often talked about the two people I have admired most in the whole world....and it wasn't simply because they each saved my life at two different times in my life from their genius levels of education, but it was equally because each of them were the MOST HUMBLE PEOPLE I HAVE EVER KNOWN. Neither of them had ANY NEED to broadcast their achievements. One guy developed a vaccine before he died (HPV vaccine), and the other was one of the most world-renowned MDs in the world. Leaders from the Middle East would bring their children across the world just to be operated on my him. And both of these men never went on about themselves. Each told me how well I was doing in my life!!!!!! This is a level of Maslows Heirarchy of Needs that is above the Self Actualization!!!!! Most of us never get to this point!!!!!!!! PS - And I did not know them simply professionally, I knew each of them outside of professionally as well. I did not know them just as how they would treat a patient. That level of human development is my life long goal!!!!
I think most of us have had neglected childhood's....i always felt ignored, i wasn't allowed to have any feelings....my way of coping with this, is be a people pleaser, and i definitely had no confidence in myself....struggled with this all my life. Still now, my parents dont listen to my opinions... ❤
I grow in a children's home and I suffered physical abuse and emotional neglect but only found the language about six years ago to describe it through UA-cam by people like yourself .I try to be positive, but quite often I take a dip and feel I ought to end it all together but I do thank God for people like you🙏
I see so many parents nowadays that really seem to never show their kids any affection. I perhaps am the opposite and do it too much but I can’t see those kids not having issues. Hug them and tell them you love them!
Hi Kenny, I think no one has the right to mistreat anyone. I am very sorry for your past situations with your wife’s. I glad for you that you moved on. I wish you peace. Thank you for sharing and supporting us to deal with our issues. Your time is appreciated. Namaste 🙏
19 minutes well spent listening. Thank you for your wisdom and honesty. It has made me see life in a new light, having just finished 3 and half years of therapy. Now, I want to start learning to love myself over. Highly appreciated and grateful, Jonathan
My father hated that he had to provide for me. He was vocal about being bothered that he had to buy groceries, that I had to eat multiple times a day, needed school supplies, etc. He was obsessed with me not becoming fat even though I was always the skinniest kid in my class. He wouldn't allow me to eat seconds or even three meals a day. For years, I complained to him and others that I felt light headed to the point where I thought that I was going to faint. I didn't realize until I was a teenager that it was because I was being starved at home is why I felt light headed all the time. I'd grown so accustomed to being hungry that I truly thought that was just the way it was, smh. Lastly, the irony is that my father now begs me to take him out to dinner for Father's Day and his birthday. Hell no! 😌
Sadly, You are not alone. My alcoholic narcissistic father and schizophrenic, alcoholic, Narc Mom did the same to us. Starting very young. There were never any groceries in our house but always beer, cigarettes and drugs for them. I remember smashing stale bread and putting BBQ sauce or salad dressing on it. 3 out of 4 siblings have eating disorders off and on. I am 56 and have just started recovery. Lately I have been wondering why the neighbors or the church or relatives didn't step in and help us kids more.
Same, I'm teaching myself to eat more but I have teeth issues from self neglect that arised from parental neglect. Trying not to play victim or the blame game and just do what needs to be done. God bless
i only came across your channel 2 days ago. after experiencing tough 10 years with a narcissist i finally understand why all happened. i watched your video about the subject and you saying both are narcissist in relationship. then you talked about childhood trauma.. puzzle pieces are coming together! thank you so much !!
Appreciate this kenny,I believe the hardest thing I struggle with is loving the man in the mirror,he knows my deepest struggle,and it's hard to convince him otherwise,
My dad was an alcoholic that couldn’t seem to keep a job. My mom had to work all of the time to make up for it. I know she loved me but she didn’t have the time to spend with me that I needed her to. So I’m not bitter with my mother. I am bitter with my father. He should’ve done better by his family. My mom divorced him when I was 12. She remarried a great man that I grew to love and respect very much. He loved me as his own. I still have issues. I guess we all have issues.
I am 16 and I hardly remember anything from before age 13. Of course there are moments that I do remember just slightly but most of it is, as you said, just a huge blank space. Mother died at 4, Grandpa died at 5, no dad, brother in juvie and prison most of my life, and my grandma who raised me has not asked me how I’m doing in at least 3-5 years. I’m drowning in my own emotions and self blame and I can’t handle it anymore.
And now, me and my grandma have a very interesting relationship. I talk to her all the time every day but she doesn’t respond very often. She tells me every day that I’m annoying, and she ignores me a lot. I basically get whatever I want from her and I do feel ashamed at how I treat her. When I was 13 (approximately) my grandma began abusing me physically and I remember all of it vividly. She would chase me down the hallway with a large metal/plastic spoon, and hit me on the back with it while I screamed and cried asking her to stop. Now days she doesn’t lay a hand on me and she has absolutely no control over me anymore. I’m not scared of her anymore, and when I say no I mean no and she just deals with it. (Although sometimes she yells at me to get shit done when I don’t want to)
I’m so sad to hear all of that. My suggestion is to take advantage of all of my free classes and free downloads. You can find all of them on my website. Also I would find somebody in your area counselor to talk to. Hopefully you have insurance or your family does? If not many times there are government services that are free. If it were me and I were in that position I would make getting help a high priority
I had a really dysfunctional Childhood, so I've had a lot of therapy which probably saved my life. One therapist in particular worked on all the emotional stuff rather than just CBT. After that I haven't had the same depressions I used to have . However my brain is still showing signs of that early trauma, any sudden loud noise and I jump out of my skin, I'm 67.
When you have endured severe emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, you are left numb and your life becomes an empty void like an all consuming black hole. You don't have a sense of direction in your life, and you require an inordinate amount of time alone. You trust no one, and never really feel safe. Basically, all you are doing from one day to the next is just existing. Many resort to substance abuse to cope or live to sleep life away, anything to escape this reality. You delight in trying on different personas just like an avatar, as it is the closest you can come to what may have been. You dream of a different world one where you can decide any and all rules and details, you only live to escape. Animals are your only form refuge & solace.
Yess, so true on how many people stay together for decades - miserably. Anymore, when people reach their 50th wedding anniversary, I always wonder if those closest to them, and even the couples themselves, think "wow, 50 years of pure torture is nothing to celebrate."
I truly feel that this is the very most important issue that must be healed!!! It’s the toxic foundation for our adult lives 😞 Trying to network these wonderful programs so everyone can heal!!! 🙏☯️🙏☯️🙏 EMPOWEROURHUMANITY
Hey, thank you for your interesting speech. I' m 50 years old Finnish woman so I thank you also for very clear english, I understood almost everything. I personally think whoever shares informaation can deside If he takes charge or not. But I am very grateful for these free lessons, because I am a single mother. About The Bible, IT IS misunderstood, that everything has to forgive right away. It is recommable, because it easies the pain. But in serious cases, it is more like journey. I have a wonderfull best friend and we have similar experiences. Our mothers were depressed, minä surely manisdepressive, fathers were quite absenced. We both had narsistic husband and our two daughters are also suffering. I love your warm and loving way to aprouch this subject. I like also your voice 🙈😂 and clear english. Thank you sharing these things
I totally appreciate and understand your points on emotional neglect, I've been there. However, I do believe despite all of it, some people are born with better coping skills than others. That's why several children can come from one family and each one copes with life in a different way.
I know I am late to this discussion, however I had to say that I totally agree with you. I am from a large family where there was a lot of emotional neglect, yet I am the only one who seems to be as seriously 'damaged' by it. Maybe I went through more of it and don't remember, who knows, but I feel my whole life has been tainted by this.
Thank you so much so stepping forward and speaking out about childhood trauma and the devastating effects. I am so grateful I found your channel and information. You are truly a blessing.
My childhood was so painful but I was able to hide it. Married twice, two children, divorced twice and I wasn't able to have a good relationship with my own kids. I was an alcoholic, still able to keep hiding the real me, living this way I was able to work. I'm 71 now, retired, and sober for 18years but living with slot of emotion problem's. With doctors who are helping me.
Namaste, listening to your videos whilst I work, just wanted to say I find your humility refreshing and so authentic. Am a recovering chronic alcoholic (3 years free n serene 35 years suffering) so I've seen a lot of pseudo therapy and confusing guidance. Really appreciate your capacity to share the experience based wisdom you have gained with humility and authenticity. Very greatful for your sharing 🙏🎁
I still remember every aspect of my childhood, every home, school, big events, little events, extremely minutia events and thoughts concepts, epiphanies, dreams, everything from my childhood since 3. I'm 66 almost 67 now. Like a rock star. Power through. I also agree with not being able to HEAL people. I've healed MANY people. Some intentionally, some unintentionally, but it happens! Jesus said we can do what he does and More!
One of the best, to the point videos I have seen. I think it’s hard when you have had relatively good parents because you’re not perfect and you have your weaknesses and they have theirs and you don’t want to blame them but you know if something was missing that caused problems in your own mind, or at least part of the problems
Hey Kenny, your candour about part of your own motivation to start this channel and take on this role was very refreshing. I don’t hear any other youtube/podcast personalities mention that ‘shadow’ part of themselves as a motivation for becoming an authority figure of some sort. I watch and like your videos but definitely have subscribed now because of that!
Thank you for sharing thank u for being truthful and u. I am healing from massive neglect. Its great to realize ehat u/i am feeling so i do not spural out of control but can see Myself objectively. Tears are rolling thank u.
I love your videos. You have a way of telling the truth without blaming one of the parties involved. Massive respect! This video has brought tears to my eyes. I was diagnosed with AuDHD last year and I've been on a sort of "self reflective" journey and I'm only realizing lately that alot of my problems come from the volatile environment I grew up in between my mother and step father and on the other side, my alcoholic father. I've always wanted love so badly but recently realized that most of the relationships I have been in were built on limerance because of my childhood. Thank you for your videos, truly 🙏🏻
Yep. Most of these signs apply to my case. For a long time, I thought my problems were trivial/not worthy of attention because I was never physically hit. I was emotionally neglected and abused, which made my relationship with my parents feel more like they're just my bosses & basic need providers. Sort of like life employers lol. Never taught independence, problem-solving skills, work ethics, etc. This leaves me in a confusing state on how I feel towards my parents. They're good people, but my love for them feels...off. It feels...blank? Video games sort of helped me with upbringing, and I feel like I raised myself instead. Although I do have high empathy and the self-awareness of these kinds of issues, this is a major reason on to why I do not want to have a child. I may not be a good parent, so I do not want to bring someone into this universe without proper parenting. They could end up in a psychological malfunctioning-like state similar to me, or worse. I'm 28 now and I am still recovering from this kind of childhood trauma. I'm slowly making progress, but I have definitely improved over the years! Thanks for the video. 💙
Raised with two parents with addiction. They were there but not there. No one ever asked how I was. Or when we had been through something. nasty. Then it was quiet. Although my whole soul screamed from the inside. I also see that I attracted this. See how my programming in this also goes. A combination of people pleasing and codependency. I feel bad when this comes. So I grabbed it .Pain deep into the soul.But got the root my whole life has changed.This has been going on for generations.My grandmother's mother,my grandmother,my mother and me.But now it's stop.Wasn't a dance on roses to break this. Also saw myself in the white eye. Not a pretty sight. But honest. Also found myself. Stuck inside myself. Because behind everything I'm shy. This started when I was 7 years old. Will be 49 this year.So relearn everything without programming.A hard work.But never give myself up again.In this I totally surrender.No more abandoholic.
my grandma was emotionally attuned to me but not my parents. unfortunately I did not see her that often to counter balance the neglect by my main caregivers
Hi Kenny, I see that you are humble. I’ve been watching your channel for about 3 weeks. I can see you are describing a specific channel based on Narcissism, and you want us to recognize and take responsibility for our choices. I also can see that you’re stating the person who works on that channel is insecure, a human. Regarding that, the person demonstrates that they’re aware of it.
For me as I was growing up it all started when I was born into a family that was cold. My dad didn't want me because I was a girl. He told the doctors to put me back. My mother didn't want me. She didn't show me affection and every time I went to her to talk to her about how I'm feeling and everything else she would belittle me and cut me down. So everything you're talking and about in this video I have and I didn't know I have or until now
I have a hard time being comfortable in being sure about anything. Whenever I feel sure about something I am saying, my mom WILL doubt me or compare me to my dad. "Do you really KNOW that or are you just pretending to know things like your dad". Im just glad that I am aware enough to realize that she is unfairly taking out her trauma with my dad on me. It just sucks because now i feel so uncomfortable that, even when I do know something for a fact, I will still say "I think" which only makes her put more doubt on what im saying. The only real solution I have is to just pretend I dont know things even if I do know them.
Wow this describes me to a T. Not only emotional neglect but abuse, threats and I felt I couldn’t go against the commander. This went on into my mid 30’s then I wrote her a letter ending my relationship with them. Eleven years later they found me, and I thought things would be different, but it wasn’t so again I had to sever that relationship. They are both deceased now and I didn’t shed a tear for the mother, but my father I was sad. I’m free now, but I still have a lot of the baggage from back then. I have numerous physical problem that cannot be part of my genetics, rather from that abuse. I’m 66 now and my life is much better now.
I couldn't agree more about false empowerment being mistaken for "confidence" and "success." I've known very few genuinely confident people in my lifetime (I can think of two, offhand), and they *never* bragged or "showboated," nor did they demand to be applauded. They just did what they did with quiet excellence, secure in the knowledge that what they did *was* excellent. When the accolades came, they were enjoyed, but these people didn't need constant applause like they need oxygen, as the falsely empowered do.
From 8 and onward - false empowerment - this was new to me. I couldn't really see the inner dynamic of people like that. Still there is an element of fortuity here. I can see this in my own family where the siblings have "solved it" in very different ways
I totally understand how overwhelming parenting is. I'm pretty messed and have been carrying this baggage around listed here. Let people walk all over me .... one positive outcome is I'm very careful who I allow in my world . But they are family....they would help me dispose of a body.... I have issues.... need help.. Very eye opening content .
I was emotionally neglected severely and it was a very hard childhood to go through even now as an adult that's still hard and you're right doing a lot of different things keeping yourself distracted being busy working on project doing hobbies is a way to escape those painful feelings and of course addictions come in the part of it too exercise addiction food addiction any type of addiction you're right we try to escape those feelings and I still cope with that and I know I have to work on that thank you so much for sharing at least I don't feel alone other people gone through this too
I've been chasing those childhood demons of emotional neglect throughout all my adult life. I'll never play victim though. But it sure has been hard to push past some of those issues as an adult. I basically raised myself.
Great video! However, you cannot assume that every single person who makes videos, or who is an entrepreneur, or who pursues success, etc, is doing it out of trauma or emotional neglect. Some people have a true calling, a true deep down, desire inside of them to make a difference in the world. Some people are BORN with natural skills and talents and creativity and passions that lead them to do what they do. God bless! 🦋
Thank you Kenny for another eye-opening video. Your content is crystal clear to me but it’s the avoidant folks that don’t think anything was wrong growing up, ie my husband. I wish he wanted to fix himself. Easier said than done. Thanks for insightful videos, as always!!😍😘
That was such an excellent video.. I just love your channel. My life has been a series of disastrous relationships and struggles in just coping with emotional issues. .. im exhausted.. I feel like I never came with instructions for life. Thank you so much for your video. It helped me to feel better. You are so engaging.. and I admire your fashion sense!😊🌹
Thank you. I benefit personally from you sharing your insights, and I share your videos. The lack of blame, but emphasis on self-awareness and responsibility is very helpful and healing.
Polyvegal theorem explains beautifully We are all damaged. It new but serious. Professionals carers and afflicted connected as all have trauma and abandonment issues
I've read that historically children were viewed as little adults. Further, some parents avoided emotional attachment with infants until they were three y o or so bc of high infant mortality. So this has been going on a long time. So we can see how the seeds of war were planted. I would be curious in a cross-cultural look at infant rearing practices. But what seems certain is that we are finally becoming aware of these issues as a species. The future is not all doom and gloom. This work brings lots of hope that each new generation will do better at this.
I see the emotional neglect in my own children. I know I wasnt a perfect mom. I will not justify my lack of attention to my children. I know i did the vest I could under my circumstances. I also feel bad because my spouse emotionally and physically neglected our children. On top of all that he was verbally abusive to them. He was even physically abusive to some degree with our oldest. I feel a responsibility to change and be there more. We had some really hard struggles with serious medical and financial issues. We didnt have a support system of family or community. As an adult I struggle with asking for help. Even now people will say you need help, but when you ask they make you feel guilty or hold it over you. We live in a seriously messed up world of dysfunctional people. I know my childhood was painful and hard. My parents did their best. I have always tried to do my best, yet I know I made mistakes. My husband came from severe generational abuse, and brought it into our marriage. He fits many of these signs.
I have just done a six month course on healing the parent wound, and I did write as much as I remember from my past as a child. I will say I was one of the lucky ones, only reason why I say that is because I have some memories going as far back as 2 years old. I remember being very very angry and unable to do laces on my plimsoles. I remember that sheer rage, the little fist, the heavy breathing, working myself up into fits of rage. The heat that went with it. I had to go through all that, find out where all that anger came from. Also being dyslexic was really knocking all well-being and I had serve esteem issues, which has left me still very much a person that stutters, stumble over words. Totally beaten down. But anyways just looking at some videos here from Ken, has filled in more gaps from the work I have done already. Especially recently, well last year I literally just walked out on very close friend like a sister, I had known for over 36 years. I noticed that I was getting dragged into a mess, with my own wounding on the top. Their was some guilt there, but I knew it was the right thing to do from inside. Though I only had my own reasons to leave, I was looking for evidence of something else outside of me. Something morally to back my own actions, was I right to just walk away from this person, after all these years? Even though it was my own choice to leave, I stumbled across a video about toxic Empaths, and yeah I got sucked into someone else’s troubles for many years, hoping that they would over time learn the lessons grow from those lessons to become a more aware person, when their timing is right, I just stayed by their side thick and thin. I was anxious avoidant in many ways, and viewed things as risky, whilst my ex best friend whom was very close to me, was highly anxiously attached, and had multiple boyfriends, most of time actions involved ended in cheating and lying, which I was at too close proximity to, that furthered to wounded of not being able to trust anyone. It turns out, if I took that friend back, I would actually be enabling her own behaviour that it’s okay to not take accountability for dysfunctional behaviour. By constantly me being there come rain or shine, left me looking valueless. While single I was there, then when a boyfriend came along I was brushed to the side. For me in allow permission to invite someone back with wounding on top on my own will just add to my own wounding. So no one gets the benefits all round. I promised her I would write her a letter of why I left, I didn’t want to come at her on a blame and shame, so I left it for a very long time till I can word it with some sort of clarity. I have done a lot of meditation to calm my own nervous system down and try my best humanely possible to look at the bigger picture. I think knowing her for years, she may even agree that we are not good for eachother. Our own wounding is in different places, and we can’t continue with eachother. So I rather take the accountability to end for my own sanity, giving her the time to get back to herself, and allowing that space she needs to heal, if she ever chooses to. I have been unable to have meaningful relationships, because it was never installed into me what that looks like, and I can’t find good reason to hang around with people whom need someone to fill the gaps in their own life, with another person to make them feel validated. So I swapped my best friend to be with myself, I will be hitting 40 this year, and I would love to meet someone nice that is worth my time. Xx
my parents always have cared more about their romantic relationships and anything else about their needs but never prioritized all the children they haphazardly created and practically completely abandoned into this awful world to fend for ourselves. one of my siblings even died at an early age and im certain all the abuse was a factor. he was dubbed the golden child up until he showed weakness towards the end
Dear Kenny, I just couldn't waste one word from your lecture, so I wrote it down. Oh, wow! I am glad to lived to the day when I am getting the answers, as my mom's generations and before hers seemed to be so blinded to these issues. I wondered why - for years and years. I am 50. I think the wars, famines, control by the outside societal forces threw many generations into life survival mode, forced loneliness. And what we see is the emotional, psychological consequences of big and small losses. Thanks, you are my hero! Your self-revealing was so touching. It made it very real and safe for me. My huge respect for the work you do. I am teaching my teens your lectures. They are fascinated.
Thanks God for your life, you have helped me to understand things that I do, like blaming myself for everything, as a self defense mechanism as you mentioned, any way to get rid of that?im in a 12 step CODA group I guess that is a start, and getting to trust God more and knowing that I can’t control everything, and let go let God stand, trust my lord Jesus Christ since he understands our pain and suffering due to trauma during childhood
I'm slightly confused about my childhood. I personally have ALOT of signs of emotional neglect, but my parents still did what normal parents did. They asked me how my day was, taught me life skills, took interest in what i liked and praised me. I don't remember much of my home life as a child. I didn't exactly feel loved as a child by anyone, really, but that was because i emotionally manipulated myself into thinking i was hated by everyone and people were just pretending they loved me, mostly because of that massive inferiority complex i had in my childhood and how i felt emotionally abandonded. Some of the things my parents did that could be considered emotional neglect was invalidating my sisters feelings(Which might've just been her being a sensitive child or her being a child, and seeing that, i kind of just learned that if i threw tantrums, mental breakdowns or panic attacks, then my parents wouldn't love me anymore), not spending time with me because they were busy(mostly my dad), thought i could just nurture myself sometimes, scolded me and my sister when i was clingy and it feels like my father never really felt comfortable being child-like, he always had to be logical, though im guessing that was because he was expected to be mature, maybe even some of his trauma. They kind of expected me to be emotionally mature, and they judged me when i wasn't. Im guessing they thought i was mature because i was one of those "gifted" kids and my father also seems to have grown up quite quickly during my childhood, so he expected me to. Whenever i expressed negative emotions, my parents would kind of just quickly deal with it to just get on with their day, it was painfully obvious that they felt my negative emotions were like a chore. I grew up feeling pretty isolated and lonely when it came to my home life, my parents had to keep my sister pleased because she threw tantrums easily and didnt have much emotional regulation skills, and they had to also give her more attention due to her medical condition, i often felt as if my parents were just strangers that took care of me, while sometimes hugging me, reading books to me and saying they love me. The truth is, i wouln't blame them at all if it turns out i was emotionally neglected. They had to take care of another child in the household with more needs, my father had a job that often had him be busy, i might've had some emotional needs met because i maybe had undiagnosed autism(and they're neurotypical) and they probably have their own childhood trauma. If anyone has advice on how to know if i did get emotionally neglected, then feel free to share it, it could be quite helpful.
It's obvious from your whole comment that you grew up in severe emotional neglect. You don't need us to explain, just read your comment again. You said it all. I hope you (and the rest of your family) find the help and emotional support you need to heal 🙏
@@michaelaclarke3228 i'm not sure if I was tho. I kind of thought they were just inconsistent because they'd act cold sometimes because they were easily irritated and then be affectionate and warm at other times. I might've exaggerated a to an extent(which i regret), due to not mentioning that alot of these usually ranged from subtle to mild. but all of the comment is somewhat true, though my parents have improved since.
My parents done a lot of mistakes related to me. Result is tragic and they passed away. I only had to learn and take care about my 9 yrs younger sister. She heate me now after I took care also about old parents and helped her to get her twins. Me? Betrayed and robbed by men. Now live alone with straycat I adopted.
I didn't think anything of it as a kid. Parents are still married. I had plenty of food, clothes, toys, etc. I am an introvert so I preferred to be by myself most of the time anyway. It wasn't until my high school years that I was emotionally unstable. I went to my mom.for any kind of decision. That carried into my 20's, 30's, etc. Unexpected pregnancy at 21 forced extremely uncomfortable "conversations" (i.e. lectures laced with shame). Met now hubby at 22, parents hated him and made sure to let me know at every opportunity. Hubby, now of 11 years was actually the best thing for me emotionally. I'm 40, 4 kids of my own and am just now finding out the real reason I have always felt crazy and unstable. Trying now to sort through facts and figure out how to heal so I don't pass it on to my kids. My mom is very selfish, controlling and judgmental. Even now, it's always someone else's fault and she's the victim.
I unfortunately don’t remember much of my childhood, other than pain, loneliness, emotional and financial neglect. They always favored the first born (the golden child), my brother! But my brother was the trouble child and I was the quiet obedient child… GenX raised themselves and became better parents than ours… I’ve been bullied (all my life), but peers & family members. One I became a teen, they put me in a group home (for spending the night) at my mothers place (was an addict my entire life). I walked this earth every day, wondering what was wrong with me as I don’t hold close relationships with anyone. People start off liking me, then they don’t within months… I see boyfriends as a way to pass time, then break up with them! I used to short term relationship… I’m often abandoned by all or chosen over… I can go on, but I think I’ve shared enough…. I’ve made the decision to relocate in hopes that I will meet people that align with my wants, needs, desires….😊
I suffered severe emotional and physical neglect as a child. Grew up in a country where CPS does not exist, right around the time when the country itself collapsed (the USSR) and crime and chaos took over so nobody cared. As a result, I lost all trust in people. As a baby, I already knew that the world is a brutal brutal place. I lost most of my compassion, am cynical and hardly ever sympathize with other people.
I am a bit confused after having watched this and some of your videos on parental alienation. The situation with your father not addressing the alcoholism caused trauma but how could he address your emotional needs without it negatively impacting your relationship with your mom.
Q about critique & judging. We each ( I imagine others do )have a moral compass that hopefully guides our behavior. Seeing actions of people with a different moral compass … even if only in my mind of course I am going to note my reactions. Which I suppose is about the same as judging. When raising my children, I felt thoughts needed to be verbal. Thought of this as teaching moments. So at what point and when does critique and judging become a sign of neurosis from childhood neglect? Am I the only one not necessarily getting this?
I was lucky to get a meal i was bullyed by my dad and brother calling me names leaveing me out and admiting my brother was favourite i got out at 21 and hes very cold to this day a year ago cut my loses and i did try
I have heard that my grandmother abandoned all her 9 children because she didn't want to become part of a certain religion whom my grandfather belonged to.I know there are certain kinds of religions that are really controlling. My grandmother seemed to be a narcissist. But of course it should never be an excuse for my grandmother to abandon her children..Both of my grandparents might have the problem..But child abandonment is too much.
You are the only mental health professional on you tube who I derive benefit from listening to. All th eothers are confusing, or just don't know how to deliver a message on a human level. I was every one of these but only about 50% of 10 and 11. I actually believe I have a trash compactor in my head for the 99% of my chiuldhood I don't recall up to age 13 or so. I didn;t know until about 12 years ago that I suffer from a severe case of covert incest from my mother. I grew up daling with all her emotional problems and trying to fill her emotional needs neg;ected by my step father. People today who are half my age almost all come across as infants to me because I had no room for error and was held to a standard that was imp[ossoble to achieve.......Dod, if you add a number 16 to the list it will probably be for those who own a suit like the one you are wearing....lol
There is a free version of the course for those who are looking for help with their healing journey but can not afford the full version. I invite you to check it out.
Dad - “what’s wrong?”
Me - “I feel stressed”
Dad - “What do you have to be stressed about? I’m the one paying bills.”
"You're too sensitive."
I don't feel I had parents. Basically, I had food and shelter providers. The idea was they "loved" me because, well, I'm their child and a member of the family. But they didn't know what proper nurturing really was. The lack of support wasn't obvious because it wasn't a "broken home." And because I was always financially provided with all the basics yet not given guidance or taught anything at all, I was still living at home and still given food and shelter all through my 20s and told I had it easy. Wasn't prepared for life. It was like I wasn't independent and yet I had no one to depend on (at least emotionally). No one ever asked me about my homework or talked to me about getting a job or about how I felt or anything that was going on with me. I had a lot of "problems" and saw a therapist and my family expected me to "change" (which contributed to an inferiority complex). But I now realize there was never anything "wrong" with me in itself but that I didn't get any guidance and so didn't have the experiences that would lead to me psychologically developing properly and felt very isolated and alienated. It wasn't because I was weak or that I didn't take responsibility for my life, as I was told. If my family had been more involved in my life and suggested to me extracurricular activities or if they didn't just give me money without suggesting or teaching me how to get a job or how work = money, I wouldn't have been half as confused and messed up.
i am totally at the very same place. furthermore, my parents left me in the whole country all alone when i was 14 because they thought that i was old enough. now if u go and ask, they never accept this. but oh yes i have a house and never had an issue of money.
Complete same
Sounds like my life except I moved in with my older sister at 24 yrs old.
Bo this is my exact same life story literally to a tee. Literally detail for detail.
@@stormchaser419 I've seen "emotionally immature parents" and "narcissistic parenting". Unfortunately I had his situation too (female) but with all other forms of non-physical abuse that I thought were basically normal until recently and now see where all my issues come from (and I'm 30 😮💨).
There really needs to be abuse awareness month with the whole spectrum of it and how it affects the victim. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, or hysterical, or drunk, or enraged, or look like a bad home most of the time. It can look normal and jolly (or at least they are) to the point of just thinking someone's being a jerk today. There needs to be a parenting-ed course. Both fully covered in highschool, not just the fake baby bit, and a passing course like driver's ed. You can't physically stop someone from reproducing but you can put peer pressure for the course and a watch list for CPS.
Specifically, there was emotional neglect, emotional abuse, covert abuse. Emotionally unavailable parents, ADHD/mistake shaming, no compliments (outside rare awkward cookie cutter ones), my mom not caring my dad's being a jerk to me, leaving me out of things, hating on all my nerd friends after elementary, not being allowed to date because they didn't wana do sex-ed, frequently saying "maybe" to something and then later clarifying they actually meant no. I didn't know being a jerk was abuse. And it's not quite abuse, but being a girl and combining it with the aforementioned kinda makes it so. Not styling my hair or cloths and no compliments on my looks. I didn't know it subconsciously made me think I was ugly when I actually have decent looks. How did that happen with peers? Their low emotional intelligence did not help a child develop their own with ADHD already impairing that, plus learning disabilities, silent seizures, and later bad acne. And never asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up or even mentioning that I need to think about it senior year. I tried collage like everyone else was doing, took basic starter courses, but didn't wanna be anything so I quit. No financial practice. No driving lessons. No paying for (or part of) the car. Let alone hardly saying anything on adulting. And having a health issue as a kid made me subconsciously pick up being a burden. I could see how much of a hassle it was every hospital visit, and being a picky eater just added to it. Kids aren't stupid, they just can't put everything into words yet. They can see their parents are stressed out, etc., and the child will absorb that but not necessarily put it away in the right folder.
Maybe my parents have autism, maybe they have ADHD, maybe they have neglect/abuse (which can be misdiagnosed as autism), maybe they're covert narcissists, maybe they have Alexithymia (which ppl with autism, ADHD, and narcissism have). I'm not a professional.
1. Very few childhood memories or big blank spot in childhood.
2. Don't know. ( as a child, you were not allowed to express anything. )
3. Perfectionism.
4. Feeling numb and empty.
5. Low self esteem.
6. Cannot ask need or help.
7. Cannot say no. People pleaser.
8. Relationship instability.
9. Think of change a person. False power.
10. You stay busy in order not feel yourselves.
11. Grandiose.
12. Domineering and controlling.
13. Success and achievement oriented.
14. Critical and judgemental.
15. Think you are strong and can do yourself, so you treat other partners like dirt.
Thank you, Sir. ❤️
Things CEN teaches you, subliminally.
1. You are inherently flawed.
2. You are inferior to others.
3. Your emotions don’t matter.
4. You don’t matter.
5. Others emotions matter.
6. Others are human; you are not good enough to exist as a human and must assist others and view life on the sidelines.
7. Don’t hurt others’ feelings. If they hurt yours, that’s okay, because you are inferior and not worthy of having emotions.
8. You are not good enough.
9. You must strive for perfection, so you will have a chance at being “good enough”. Striving for perfection is the only way to invite less criticism. Perfection is your only way out to start existing. While others seem imperfect, they were just born superior.
10. You can’t say “no” because you are nothing and not worthy enough to say “no”.
11. You are flawed, and it is your fault. You are inherently “bad”.
12. You don’t count enough to have a valid opinion.
13. You feel shame for existing.
How can they be both a people pleaser and dominant/ controlling ?
Nah. That's why we have the concept of "good enough" parents. And we wouldn't have securely attached people if everyone was emotionally neglected.
Quite a few here 😢 My folks were great but generally emotionally unavoidable.
Parents think you grow self esteem on your own and they have no impact on it like what 😓
I was emotionally neglected by my mum. I was invisible.. she only did what she had to do to keep me alive. She hardly ever spoke to me. Was so much neglect that I had no language, meaning I had no vocabulary to communicate.. no pencils, no books hardly any warm clothing. Remember having holes in My shoes and my feet got wet from wet weather. No coat to keep me warm. She was never their for me. Not once told me she loved me never complimented me, always said no when i asked for things eg, pencils, or skipping rope ect. Just the little things. My life been emotionally tuff beyond comprehension.. now I’m 67 have autoimmune disease, depression, living in government housing which I hate. Guess without a stable foundation during childhood we suffer long term to a never ending emotionally
It's painful to even read your story😌 wishing you a peaceful life xxx
I AM SO SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU 💜🙏💜
My heart breaks for you. I grew up without knowing much about my father (parents were separated and he worked away). My mother told me before she died that she had "already done all those mothering things" with older siblings and since my twin and I were a surprise, she "was glad there were 2 of us, so we could be there for each other". I was "the leader" and made all the decisions for us. I spent hours under beds, behind headboards and in closets rocking myself until I fell asleep. After years of therapy, pastoral prayer, etc. I still am hyper independent, lonely, and isolate. I am getting better and since the beginning of my life was traumatic, I am determined to have a fantastic finish.
@@caralynnwilliams7047💔 feel better!!! ♡
💚
When I was younger, I used to think my upbringing had nothing to do with my "problems" but now I see it does. I didn't realize I was neglected until I was middle age. Now I think if anyone thinks their upbringing has nothing to do with the way they are, they are probably just not aware. Upbringing, whether it's something someone did to you OR neglected to do, has a whole lot to do with how a person turns out. In fact, it's probably the cause of most "mental problems." In spite of this fact, need to stop "blaming" and start healing.
You are spot on! It does cause mental health problems.
I was emotionally abused and neglected. And, I agree, I have not ever met a person that wasn’t emotionally abused. We were taught toxic things, and it’s up to us to break toxic patterns and learn how to heal from the pain of our past traumas.
Think of the change this knowledge can bring to the world.
Wow, thank GOODNESS for Dr Kenny! No wonder I married a " DIY Science Project"!!!
Dr. Kenny,
This is very enlightening. I have often talked about the two people I have admired most in the whole world....and it wasn't simply because they each saved my life at two different times in my life from their genius levels of education, but it was equally because each of them were the MOST HUMBLE PEOPLE I HAVE EVER KNOWN. Neither of them had ANY NEED to broadcast their achievements. One guy developed a vaccine before he died (HPV vaccine), and the other was one of the most world-renowned MDs in the world. Leaders from the Middle East would bring their children across the world just to be operated on my him. And both of these men never went on about themselves. Each told me how well I was doing in my life!!!!!! This is a level of Maslows Heirarchy of Needs that is above the Self Actualization!!!!! Most of us never get to this point!!!!!!!!
PS - And I did not know them simply professionally, I knew each of them outside of professionally as well. I did not know them just as how they would treat a patient. That level of human development is my life long goal!!!!
That explains why so many relationships dont work
I think most of us have had neglected childhood's....i always felt ignored, i wasn't allowed to have any feelings....my way of coping with this, is be a people pleaser, and i definitely had no confidence in myself....struggled with this all my life. Still now, my parents dont listen to my opinions... ❤
Hello from Sydney Australia. My mum died on Sunday. Your videos are helping me with my greif. Thank you.
❤
I grow in a children's home and I suffered physical abuse and emotional neglect but only found the language about six years ago to describe it through UA-cam by people like yourself .I try to be positive, but quite often I take a dip and feel I ought to end it all together but I do thank God for people like you🙏
I'm happy to hear that what I do has helped you :)
I'm right there with ya joyce
I see so many parents nowadays that really seem to never show their kids any affection. I perhaps am the opposite and do it too much but I can’t see those kids not having issues. Hug them and tell them you love them!
that was always an issue and at least people start talking and doing something about it
I watch a LOT of this kind of thing and this guy strikes me as very unique in his approach!
I found this to be exceptional.
Hi Kenny, I think no one has the right to mistreat anyone. I am very sorry for your past situations with your wife’s. I glad for you that you moved on. I wish you peace. Thank you for sharing and supporting us to deal with our issues. Your time is appreciated. Namaste 🙏
19 minutes well spent listening. Thank you for your wisdom and honesty. It has made me see life in a new light, having just finished 3 and half years of therapy. Now, I want to start learning to love myself over. Highly appreciated and grateful, Jonathan
My father hated that he had to provide for me. He was vocal about being bothered that he had to buy groceries, that I had to eat multiple times a day, needed school supplies, etc. He was obsessed with me not becoming fat even though I was always the skinniest kid in my class. He wouldn't allow me to eat seconds or even three meals a day. For years, I complained to him and others that I felt light headed to the point where I thought that I was going to faint. I didn't realize until I was a teenager that it was because I was being starved at home is why I felt light headed all the time. I'd grown so accustomed to being hungry that I truly thought that was just the way it was, smh.
Lastly, the irony is that my father now begs me to take him out to dinner for Father's Day and his birthday. Hell no! 😌
Sadly, You are not alone. My alcoholic narcissistic father and schizophrenic, alcoholic, Narc Mom did the same to us. Starting very young. There were never any groceries in our house but always beer, cigarettes and drugs for them. I remember smashing stale bread and putting BBQ sauce or salad dressing on it. 3 out of 4 siblings have eating disorders off and on. I am 56 and have just started recovery. Lately I have been wondering why the neighbors or the church or relatives didn't step in and help us kids more.
@@bewarefalsenonprofits great job for trying to sort yourself out it takes a lot of courage.
That was just child cruelty….so sorry… you don’t owe him anything….. peace to you!
Same, I'm teaching myself to eat more but I have teeth issues from self neglect that arised from parental neglect. Trying not to play victim or the blame game and just do what needs to be done. God bless
@@michellewall6748 Thank you🙏🏼
i only came across your channel 2 days ago. after experiencing tough 10 years with a narcissist i finally understand why all happened. i watched your video about the subject and you saying both are narcissist in relationship. then you talked about childhood trauma.. puzzle pieces are coming together! thank you so much !!
Appreciate this kenny,I believe the hardest thing I struggle with is loving the man in the mirror,he knows my deepest struggle,and it's hard to convince him otherwise,
I was told repeatedly to go away. " Go away. I don't have time for you/this." Now, I constantly fight the feeling of being in way.
My dad was an alcoholic that couldn’t seem to keep a job. My mom had to work all of the time to make up for it. I know she loved me but she didn’t have the time to spend with me that I needed her to. So I’m not bitter with my mother. I am bitter with my father. He should’ve done better by his family. My mom divorced him when I was 12. She remarried a great man that I grew to love and respect very much. He loved me as his own. I still have issues. I guess we all have issues.
I just wanted to say I think you're doing a great job. I admire your honesty and self acceptance.
This video saved my life Kenny. Thank you for being so direct and transparent.
I am 16 and I hardly remember anything from before age 13. Of course there are moments that I do remember just slightly but most of it is, as you said, just a huge blank space. Mother died at 4, Grandpa died at 5, no dad, brother in juvie and prison most of my life, and my grandma who raised me has not asked me how I’m doing in at least 3-5 years. I’m drowning in my own emotions and self blame and I can’t handle it anymore.
And now, me and my grandma have a very interesting relationship. I talk to her all the time every day but she doesn’t respond very often. She tells me every day that I’m annoying, and she ignores me a lot. I basically get whatever I want from her and I do feel ashamed at how I treat her. When I was 13 (approximately) my grandma began abusing me physically and I remember all of it vividly. She would chase me down the hallway with a large metal/plastic spoon, and hit me on the back with it while I screamed and cried asking her to stop. Now days she doesn’t lay a hand on me and she has absolutely no control over me anymore. I’m not scared of her anymore, and when I say no I mean no and she just deals with it. (Although sometimes she yells at me to get shit done when I don’t want to)
I’m so sad to hear all of that. My suggestion is to take advantage of all of my free classes and free downloads. You can find all of them on my website. Also I would find somebody in your area counselor to talk to. Hopefully you have insurance or your family does? If not many times there are government services that are free. If it were me and I were in that position I would make getting help a high priority
Check out Tim Fletcher on UA-cam let him help you.!!!!!
I have chunks missing from my childhood. I can not recall some important events. Yes, I struggle with people-pleasing too.
True success is internal, the ability to handle our inner deamons.
So true :)
I had a really dysfunctional Childhood, so I've had a lot of therapy which probably saved my life. One therapist in particular worked on all the emotional stuff rather than just CBT. After that I haven't had the same depressions I used to have . However my brain is still showing signs of that early trauma, any sudden loud noise and I jump out of my skin, I'm 67.
The “I don’t know” is my son when he comes over. I saw that as he’s not thinking for himself. Thank you
When you have endured severe emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, you are left numb and your life becomes an empty void like an all consuming black hole. You don't have a sense of direction in your life, and you require an inordinate amount of time alone. You trust no one, and never really feel safe. Basically, all you are doing from one day to the next is just existing. Many resort to substance abuse to cope or live to sleep life away, anything to escape this reality. You delight in trying on different personas just like an avatar, as it is the closest you can come to what may have been. You dream of a different world one where you can decide any and all rules and details, you only live to escape. Animals are your only form refuge & solace.
Animals have beautiful souls which don’t judge and offer unconditional love very healing.
@ladygrace2741 you could check out Teal Swan she went through very similar and came out the other side.
This…… Thankyou for perfectly describing my life…. Much love to you…
Yes animals are great
Kenny, you are one of my new favorites. The message might be difficult to receive, and it feels genuine, authentic, with intent to help or share.
Yess, so true on how many people stay together for decades - miserably. Anymore, when people reach their 50th wedding anniversary, I always wonder if those closest to them, and even the couples themselves, think "wow, 50 years of pure torture is nothing to celebrate."
I truly feel that this is the very most important issue that must be healed!!!
It’s the toxic foundation for our adult lives 😞
Trying to network these wonderful programs so everyone can heal!!!
🙏☯️🙏☯️🙏 EMPOWEROURHUMANITY
Hey, thank you for your interesting speech. I' m 50 years old Finnish woman so I thank you also for very clear english, I understood almost everything. I personally think whoever shares informaation can deside If he takes charge or not. But I am very grateful for these free lessons, because I am a single mother.
About The Bible, IT IS misunderstood, that everything has to forgive right away. It is recommable, because it easies the pain. But in serious cases, it is more like journey.
I have a wonderfull best friend and we have similar experiences. Our mothers were depressed, minä surely manisdepressive, fathers were quite absenced. We both had narsistic husband and our two daughters are also suffering.
I love your warm and loving way to aprouch this subject.
I like also your voice 🙈😂 and clear english. Thank you sharing these things
I totally appreciate and understand your points on emotional neglect, I've been there. However, I do believe despite all of it, some people are born with better coping skills than others. That's why several children can come from one family and each one copes with life in a different way.
I know I am late to this discussion, however I had to say that I totally agree with you. I am from a large family where there was a lot of emotional neglect, yet I am the only one who seems to be as seriously 'damaged' by it. Maybe I went through more of it and don't remember, who knows, but I feel my whole life has been tainted by this.
Thank you so much so stepping forward and speaking out about childhood trauma and the devastating effects. I am so grateful I found your channel and information. You are truly a blessing.
My childhood was so painful but I was able to hide it. Married twice, two children, divorced twice and I wasn't able to have a good relationship with my own kids. I was an alcoholic, still able to keep hiding the real me, living this way I was able to work. I'm 71 now, retired, and sober for 18years but living with slot of emotion problem's. With doctors who are helping me.
This is great info! Seems like may were emotionally neglected! It’s horrible. This video is great!
Namaste, listening to your videos whilst I work, just wanted to say I find your humility refreshing and so authentic. Am a recovering chronic alcoholic (3 years free n serene 35 years suffering) so I've seen a lot of pseudo therapy and confusing guidance. Really appreciate your capacity to share the experience based wisdom you have gained with humility and authenticity. Very greatful for your sharing 🙏🎁
Love your messages Kenny! I enjoy your style -outfits and expression! Thanks for sharing your growth and your education
I still remember every aspect of my childhood, every home, school, big events, little events, extremely minutia events and thoughts concepts, epiphanies, dreams, everything from my childhood since 3. I'm 66 almost 67 now. Like a rock star. Power through. I also agree with not being able to HEAL people. I've healed MANY people. Some intentionally, some unintentionally, but it happens! Jesus said we can do what he does and More!
Oh yeah, profound psychic visions, drawings, that all came true, et al. etc.
I had a very challenging life. No bed of roses. But vivid and meaningful!
One of the best, to the point videos I have seen. I think it’s hard when you have had relatively good parents because you’re not perfect and you have your weaknesses and they have theirs and you don’t want to blame them but you know if something was missing that caused problems in your own mind, or at least part of the problems
Everyone should watch it 👍
Great transparency with own grandiosity. Thank you. Keep going!
Hey Kenny, your candour about part of your own motivation to start this channel and take on this role was very refreshing. I don’t hear any other youtube/podcast personalities mention that ‘shadow’ part of themselves as a motivation for becoming an authority figure of some sort.
I watch and like your videos but definitely have subscribed now because of that!
Thank you for the kind words and I’m really happy that it resonates with you
Thank you for sharing thank u for being truthful and u. I am healing from massive neglect. Its great to realize ehat u/i am feeling so i do not spural out of control but can see
Myself objectively. Tears are rolling thank u.
I love your videos. You have a way of telling the truth without blaming one of the parties involved. Massive respect!
This video has brought tears to my eyes. I was diagnosed with AuDHD last year and I've been on a sort of "self reflective" journey and I'm only realizing lately that alot of my problems come from the volatile environment I grew up in between my mother and step father and on the other side, my alcoholic father. I've always wanted love so badly but recently realized that most of the relationships I have been in were built on limerance because of my childhood. Thank you for your videos, truly 🙏🏻
Yep. Most of these signs apply to my case. For a long time, I thought my problems were trivial/not worthy of attention because I was never physically hit. I was emotionally neglected and abused, which made my relationship with my parents feel more like they're just my bosses & basic need providers. Sort of like life employers lol. Never taught independence, problem-solving skills, work ethics, etc. This leaves me in a confusing state on how I feel towards my parents. They're good people, but my love for them feels...off. It feels...blank? Video games sort of helped me with upbringing, and I feel like I raised myself instead. Although I do have high empathy and the self-awareness of these kinds of issues, this is a major reason on to why I do not want to have a child. I may not be a good parent, so I do not want to bring someone into this universe without proper parenting. They could end up in a psychological malfunctioning-like state similar to me, or worse. I'm 28 now and I am still recovering from this kind of childhood trauma. I'm slowly making progress, but I have definitely improved over the years! Thanks for the video. 💙
I feel like I was reading my life ❤
Raised with two parents with addiction. They were there but not there. No one ever asked how I was. Or when we had been through something. nasty. Then it was quiet. Although my whole soul screamed from the inside. I also see that I attracted this. See how my programming in this also goes. A combination of people pleasing and codependency. I feel bad when this comes. So I grabbed it .Pain deep into the soul.But got the root my whole life has changed.This has been going on for generations.My grandmother's mother,my grandmother,my mother and me.But now it's stop.Wasn't a dance on roses to break this. Also saw myself in the white eye. Not a pretty sight. But honest. Also found myself. Stuck inside myself. Because behind everything I'm shy. This started when I was 7 years old. Will be 49 this year.So relearn everything without programming.A hard work.But never give myself up again.In this I totally surrender.No more abandoholic.
How did you relearn everything without the programming you already have? I want to rewire my brain but I don’t know where to begin.
my grandma was emotionally attuned to me but not my parents. unfortunately I did not see her that often to counter balance the neglect by my main caregivers
Hi Kenny, I see that you are humble. I’ve been watching your channel for about 3 weeks. I can see you are describing a specific channel based on Narcissism, and you want us to recognize and take responsibility for our choices. I also can see that you’re stating the person who works on that channel is insecure, a human. Regarding that, the person demonstrates that they’re aware of it.
For me as I was growing up it all started when I was born into a family that was cold. My dad didn't want me because I was a girl. He told the doctors to put me back. My mother didn't want me. She didn't show me affection and every time I went to her to talk to her about how I'm feeling and everything else she would belittle me and cut me down. So everything you're talking and about in this video I have and I didn't know I have or until now
I have a hard time being comfortable in being sure about anything. Whenever I feel sure about something I am saying, my mom WILL doubt me or compare me to my dad. "Do you really KNOW that or are you just pretending to know things like your dad". Im just glad that I am aware enough to realize that she is unfairly taking out her trauma with my dad on me. It just sucks because now i feel so uncomfortable that, even when I do know something for a fact, I will still say "I think" which only makes her put more doubt on what im saying. The only real solution I have is to just pretend I dont know things even if I do know them.
Wow this describes me to a T. Not only emotional neglect but abuse, threats and I felt I couldn’t go against the commander. This went on into my mid 30’s then I wrote her a letter ending my relationship with them. Eleven years later they found me, and I thought things would be different, but it wasn’t so again I had to sever that relationship. They are both deceased now and I didn’t shed a tear for the mother, but my father I was sad. I’m free now, but I still have a lot of the baggage from back then. I have numerous physical problem that cannot be part of my genetics, rather from that abuse. I’m 66 now and my life is much better now.
I couldn't agree more about false empowerment being mistaken for "confidence" and "success."
I've known very few genuinely confident people in my lifetime (I can think of two, offhand), and they *never* bragged or "showboated," nor did they demand to be applauded. They just did what they did with quiet excellence, secure in the knowledge that what they did *was* excellent. When the accolades came, they were enjoyed, but these people didn't need constant applause like they need oxygen, as the falsely empowered do.
Oohhhhhh. I seee!!
Not being raised in the protestant ethics and in the culture of well being is what "neglect" is.
From 8 and onward - false empowerment - this was new to me. I couldn't really see the inner dynamic of people like that. Still there is an element of fortuity here. I can see this in my own family where the siblings have "solved it" in very different ways
I totally understand how overwhelming parenting is. I'm pretty messed and have been carrying this baggage around listed here. Let people walk all over me .... one positive outcome is I'm very careful who I allow in my world . But they are family....they would help me dispose of a body.... I have issues.... need help.. Very eye opening content .
I was emotionally neglected severely and it was a very hard childhood to go through even now as an adult that's still hard and you're right doing a lot of different things keeping yourself distracted being busy working on project doing hobbies is a way to escape those painful feelings and of course addictions come in the part of it too exercise addiction food addiction any type of addiction you're right we try to escape those feelings and I still cope with that and I know I have to work on that thank you so much for sharing at least I don't feel alone other people gone through this too
new subscriber...love the honesty & simplicity in explaining these complex issues of the childs mind..watching from Germany 🇩🇪👍🏾💥
Welcome!!
I've been chasing those childhood demons of emotional neglect throughout all my adult life. I'll never play victim though. But it sure has been hard to push past some of those issues as an adult. I basically raised myself.
Great video! However, you cannot assume that every single person who makes videos, or who is an entrepreneur, or who pursues success, etc, is doing it out of trauma or emotional neglect. Some people have a true calling, a true deep down, desire inside of them to make a difference in the world. Some people are BORN with natural skills and talents and creativity and passions that lead them to do what they do.
God bless! 🦋
Thank you Kenny for another eye-opening video. Your content is crystal clear to me but it’s the avoidant folks that don’t think anything was wrong growing up, ie my husband. I wish he wanted to fix himself. Easier said than done. Thanks for insightful videos, as always!!😍😘
Kenny, thank you so much for these videos! You're amazing. You've already helped me tremendously.
That was such an excellent video.. I just love your channel. My life has been a series of disastrous relationships and struggles in just coping with emotional issues. .. im exhausted.. I feel like I never came with instructions for life.
Thank you so much for your video. It helped me to feel better.
You are so engaging.. and I admire your fashion sense!😊🌹
Exactly how I feel…..it’s awful!
Thank you. I benefit personally from you sharing your insights, and I share your videos. The lack of blame, but emphasis on self-awareness and responsibility is very helpful and healing.
Polyvegal theorem explains beautifully
We are all damaged. It new but serious. Professionals carers and afflicted connected as all have trauma and abandonment issues
Fabulous information... Thank you for making these videos.
a long-term couple "have found a way to suffer intolerable pain together".
excellent description......
I've read that historically children were viewed as little adults. Further, some parents avoided emotional attachment with infants until they were three y o or so bc of high infant mortality. So this has been going on a long time. So we can see how the seeds of war were planted. I would be curious in a cross-cultural look at infant rearing practices.
But what seems certain is that we are finally becoming aware of these issues as a species. The future is not all doom and gloom. This work brings lots of hope that each new generation will do better at this.
I love your approach to psychology. Well done
I love my children SO MUCH... O couldn't push them to the wayside... I never got this...!!!!
ATTUNEMENT.. Very few childhood memories...As a child wasn't allowed to express anything.... Don't know! Emotional neglect..Blank numb Empty.. low self esteem...
This list is eye opening.
I see the emotional neglect in my own children. I know I wasnt a perfect mom. I will not justify my lack of attention to my children. I know i did the vest I could under my circumstances. I also feel bad because my spouse emotionally and physically neglected our children. On top of all that he was verbally abusive to them. He was even physically abusive to some degree with our oldest. I feel a responsibility to change and be there more. We had some really hard struggles with serious medical and financial issues. We didnt have a support system of family or community. As an adult I struggle with asking for help. Even now people will say you need help, but when you ask they make you feel guilty or hold it over you. We live in a seriously messed up world of dysfunctional people. I know my childhood was painful and hard. My parents did their best. I have always tried to do my best, yet I know I made mistakes. My husband came from severe generational abuse, and brought it into our marriage. He fits many of these signs.
I have just done a six month course on healing the parent wound, and I did write as much as I remember from my past as a child.
I will say I was one of the lucky ones, only reason why I say that is because I have some memories going as far back as 2 years old. I remember being very very angry and unable to do laces on my plimsoles. I remember that sheer rage, the little fist, the heavy breathing, working myself up into fits of rage. The heat that went with it. I had to go through all that, find out where all that anger came from. Also being dyslexic was really knocking all well-being and I had serve esteem issues, which has left me still very much a person that stutters, stumble over words. Totally beaten down.
But anyways just looking at some videos here from Ken, has filled in more gaps from the work I have done already. Especially recently, well last year I literally just walked out on very close friend like a sister, I had known for over 36 years.
I noticed that I was getting dragged into a mess, with my own wounding on the top. Their was some guilt there, but I knew it was the right thing to do from inside.
Though I only had my own reasons to leave, I was looking for evidence of something else outside of me. Something morally to back my own actions, was I right to just walk away from this person, after all these years? Even though it was my own choice to leave,
I stumbled across a video about toxic Empaths, and yeah I got sucked into someone else’s troubles for many years, hoping that they would over time learn the lessons grow from those lessons to become a more aware person, when their timing is right, I just stayed by their side thick and thin. I was anxious avoidant in many ways, and viewed things as risky, whilst my ex best friend whom was very close to me, was highly anxiously attached, and had multiple boyfriends, most of time actions involved ended in cheating and lying, which I was at too close proximity to, that furthered to wounded of not being able to trust anyone.
It turns out, if I took that friend back, I would actually be enabling her own behaviour that it’s okay to not take accountability for dysfunctional behaviour. By constantly me being there come rain or shine, left me looking valueless. While single I was there, then when a boyfriend came along I was brushed to the side.
For me in allow permission to invite someone back with wounding on top on my own will just add to my own wounding. So no one gets the benefits all round.
I promised her I would write her a letter of why I left, I didn’t want to come at her on a blame and shame, so I left it for a very long time till I can word it with some sort of clarity.
I have done a lot of meditation to calm my own nervous system down and try my best humanely possible to look at the bigger picture.
I think knowing her for years, she may even agree that we are not good for eachother. Our own wounding is in different places, and we can’t continue with eachother. So I rather take the accountability to end for my own sanity, giving her the time to get back to herself, and allowing that space she needs to heal, if she ever chooses to.
I have been unable to have meaningful relationships, because it was never installed into me what that looks like, and I can’t find good reason to hang around with people whom need someone to fill the gaps in their own life, with another person to make them feel validated.
So I swapped my best friend to be with myself, I will be hitting 40 this year, and I would love to meet someone nice that is worth my time. Xx
my parents always have cared more about their romantic relationships and anything else about their needs but never prioritized all the children they haphazardly created and practically completely abandoned into this awful world to fend for ourselves.
one of my siblings even died at an early age and im certain all the abuse was a factor. he was dubbed the golden child up until he showed weakness towards the end
So heartbreaking.. ♡
Thank you for your vulnerability ❤️❤️❤️
lovely vocal cadance. will look into this.
Dear Kenny, I just couldn't waste one word from your lecture, so I wrote it down. Oh, wow! I am glad to lived to the day when I am getting the answers, as my mom's generations and before hers seemed to be so blinded to these issues. I wondered why - for years and years. I am 50. I think the wars, famines, control by the outside societal forces threw many generations into life survival mode, forced loneliness. And what we see is the emotional, psychological consequences of big and small losses. Thanks, you are my hero! Your self-revealing was so touching. It made it very real and safe for me. My huge respect for the work you do. I am teaching my teens your lectures. They are fascinated.
Thanks God for your life, you have helped me to understand things that I do, like blaming myself for everything, as a self defense mechanism as you mentioned, any way to get rid of that?im in a 12 step CODA group I guess that is a start, and getting to trust God more and knowing that I can’t control everything, and let go let God stand, trust my lord Jesus Christ since he understands our pain and suffering due to trauma during childhood
'This Be The Verse." - Philip Larkin.
I'm slightly confused about my childhood. I personally have ALOT of signs of emotional neglect, but my parents still did what normal parents did. They asked me how my day was, taught me life skills, took interest in what i liked and praised me. I don't remember much of my home life as a child. I didn't exactly feel loved as a child by anyone, really, but that was because i emotionally manipulated myself into thinking i was hated by everyone and people were just pretending they loved me, mostly because of that massive inferiority complex i had in my childhood and how i felt emotionally abandonded. Some of the things my parents did that could be considered emotional neglect was invalidating my sisters feelings(Which might've just been her being a sensitive child or her being a child, and seeing that, i kind of just learned that if i threw tantrums, mental breakdowns or panic attacks, then my parents wouldn't love me anymore), not spending time with me because they were busy(mostly my dad), thought i could just nurture myself sometimes, scolded me and my sister when i was clingy and it feels like my father never really felt comfortable being child-like, he always had to be logical, though im guessing that was because he was expected to be mature, maybe even some of his trauma. They kind of expected me to be emotionally mature, and they judged me when i wasn't. Im guessing they thought i was mature because i was one of those "gifted" kids and my father also seems to have grown up quite quickly during my childhood, so he expected me to. Whenever i expressed negative emotions, my parents would kind of just quickly deal with it to just get on with their day, it was painfully obvious that they felt my negative emotions were like a chore. I grew up feeling pretty isolated and lonely when it came to my home life, my parents had to keep my sister pleased because she threw tantrums easily and didnt have much emotional regulation skills, and they had to also give her more attention due to her medical condition, i often felt as if my parents were just strangers that took care of me, while sometimes hugging me, reading books to me and saying they love me. The truth is, i wouln't blame them at all if it turns out i was emotionally neglected. They had to take care of another child in the household with more needs, my father had a job that often had him be busy, i might've had some emotional needs met because i maybe had undiagnosed autism(and they're neurotypical) and they probably have their own childhood trauma. If anyone has advice on how to know if i did get emotionally neglected, then feel free to share it, it could be quite helpful.
It's obvious from your whole comment that you grew up in severe emotional neglect. You don't need us to explain, just read your comment again. You said it all. I hope you (and the rest of your family) find the help and emotional support you need to heal 🙏
@@michaelaclarke3228 i'm not sure if I was tho. I kind of thought they were just inconsistent because they'd act cold sometimes because they were easily irritated and then be affectionate and warm at other times. I might've exaggerated a to an extent(which i regret), due to not mentioning that alot of these usually ranged from subtle to mild. but all of the comment is somewhat true, though my parents have improved since.
My parents done a lot of mistakes related to me. Result is tragic and they passed away. I only had to learn and take care about my 9 yrs younger sister. She heate me now after I took care also about old parents and helped her to get her twins. Me? Betrayed and robbed by men. Now live alone with straycat I adopted.
I didn't think anything of it as a kid. Parents are still married. I had plenty of food, clothes, toys, etc. I am an introvert so I preferred to be by myself most of the time anyway. It wasn't until my high school years that I was emotionally unstable. I went to my mom.for any kind of decision. That carried into my 20's, 30's, etc. Unexpected pregnancy at 21 forced extremely uncomfortable "conversations" (i.e. lectures laced with shame). Met now hubby at 22, parents hated him and made sure to let me know at every opportunity. Hubby, now of 11 years was actually the best thing for me emotionally. I'm 40, 4 kids of my own and am just now finding out the real reason I have always felt crazy and unstable. Trying now to sort through facts and figure out how to heal so I don't pass it on to my kids. My mom is very selfish, controlling and judgmental. Even now, it's always someone else's fault and she's the victim.
I unfortunately don’t remember much of my childhood, other than pain, loneliness, emotional and financial neglect.
They always favored the first born (the golden child), my brother!
But my brother was the trouble child and I was the quiet obedient child…
GenX raised themselves and became better parents than ours…
I’ve been bullied (all my life), but peers & family members.
One I became a teen, they put me in a group home (for spending the night) at my mothers place (was an addict my entire life).
I walked this earth every day, wondering what was wrong with me as I don’t hold close relationships with anyone.
People start off liking me, then they don’t within months…
I see boyfriends as a way to pass time, then break up with them!
I used to short term relationship… I’m often abandoned by all or chosen over…
I can go on, but I think I’ve shared enough….
I’ve made the decision to relocate in hopes that I will meet people that align with my wants, needs, desires….😊
I learned what a family should be like on full house. I always wanted be a part of the Tanner family.
Emotionally neglected
I suffered severe emotional and physical neglect as a child. Grew up in a country where CPS does not exist, right around the time when the country itself collapsed (the USSR) and crime and chaos took over so nobody cared.
As a result, I lost all trust in people. As a baby, I already knew that the world is a brutal brutal place. I lost most of my compassion, am cynical and hardly ever sympathize with other people.
Das trifft ziemlich genau auf mich zu...
Thanks for the video you have a nice day
I am a bit confused after having watched this and some of your videos on parental alienation.
The situation with your father not addressing the alcoholism caused trauma but how could he address your emotional needs without it negatively impacting your relationship with your mom.
Q about critique & judging. We each ( I imagine others do )have a moral compass that hopefully guides our behavior. Seeing actions of people with a different moral compass … even if only in my mind of course I am going to note my reactions. Which I suppose is about the same as judging. When raising my children, I felt thoughts needed to be verbal. Thought of this as teaching moments. So at what point and when does critique and judging become a sign of neurosis from childhood neglect? Am I the only one not necessarily getting this?
I was lucky to get a meal i was bullyed by my dad and brother calling me names leaveing me out and admiting my brother was favourite i got out at 21 and hes very cold to this day a year ago cut my loses and i did try
Excellent!
I have heard that my grandmother abandoned all her 9 children because she didn't want to become part of a certain religion whom my grandfather belonged to.I know there are certain kinds of religions that are really controlling. My grandmother seemed to be a narcissist.
But of course it should never be an excuse for my grandmother to abandon her children..Both of my grandparents might have the problem..But child abandonment is too much.
Been there and must have good vision of future and thanks so much into my basic learning😅
My adult son is breaking my heart.
You are the only mental health professional on you tube who I derive benefit from listening to. All th eothers are confusing, or just don't know how to deliver a message on a human level. I was every one of these but only about 50% of 10 and 11. I actually believe I have a trash compactor in my head for the 99% of my chiuldhood I don't recall up to age 13 or so. I didn;t know until about 12 years ago that I suffer from a severe case of covert incest from my mother. I grew up daling with all her emotional problems and trying to fill her emotional needs neg;ected by my step father. People today who are half my age almost all come across as infants to me because I had no room for error and was held to a standard that was imp[ossoble to achieve.......Dod, if you add a number 16 to the list it will probably be for those who own a suit like the one you are wearing....lol
You learn not to have wants and needs and that makes your narcissistic parents happy.
My parents were actively emotionally abusive..'if your friend knocks on the door. I'm gonna hit him' said N mother
Great video…really hit home. Wish I could afford your courses offered on your website😢. But I’ll settle for the tidbits you offer for free.❤
There is a free version of the course for those who are looking for help with their healing journey but can not afford the full version. I invite you to check it out.
Its all very confusing and overwhelming. However, your video is less confusing, for me anyway.
I'm glad you found it helpful :)