We can forgive, but I must not forget. If I default and forget what was done by others, I risk enabling more of the same. Holocaust survivors can forgive, but why forget, only to allow history to repeat itself????? No, by their stories, books eg Man's Search for Meaning, documentaries, film eg Schindler's List, museums and monuments they will NOT let us forget the horrors of human behaviors.
@donnawoodford8145 When I say forget I really mean move on, we don't need to keep reminding ourselves of the worst trauma we've gone through to develop wisdom and learn something from that situation
Thank you, Todd! This really hits the spot. Give ourselves permission to be patient and compassionate with the old wounds. There’s bound to be “new wounds” as the world spins, and we have the privilege of carrying our hearts. Let’s heal so we can return to kindness. ❤✌🏼
I listen to your words more than once. I am really damaged. I have lost a lot. I keep hoping that each day gets better. Thank you for you wisdom and guidance. ❤
I was a child of a narcissist parent, I came from a very difficult life with him, and was homeless with him for a very long time in the past and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to escape him, and had to go great lengths to get away from him. I was lucky to have known the people that had helped me and allowed me to stay with them. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet. They flew me in first class to go be with them. At first there was this honeymoon period, they thought of me as a gift from grandma that passed away. But what seemed like a gift from the universe, only turned into something that had psychologically wounded me. I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they seemed to have been to live with, and how strict and conditional their love and regard was towards me. I felt like I couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am, or that I had to constantly fit in to their idea of how I should live my life and be like to them. I felt like I was some kind of flawed and inadequate kid. I would hear them say things like “but he wasn’t raised that way!” “oh it’s just gonna take time”, “I just think he just wasn’t raised properly” …and it felt like I had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved, and if I don’t, then it’s basically ‘bye peace out can’t live with your family’. To this day I feel this deep, inner wound of rejection and unworthiness that I carry each and every day. My aunt would ask this weird question “what are the advantages that you think you have of being here?” but in my mind I’m like ‘I didn’t come here just so I can gain some kind of material advantages, I came to have a life here with my family just like any other kid would with their families, not a quid pro quo’. But I just told her “I don’t know” , and she replied “then why did you come live with us honey?” and she didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and said “why not come stay here?” I had unfortunately received some invalidating comments from others that I’ve tried to speak to about my trauma, they’ve said things like “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and another person said “you don’t seem to realize that you’re wanting a warped and distorted image of your family” “you are not your brother you’re not their kid” and I’ve basically been labeled as having some kind of “sense of entitlement”. So for a kid or young person to have an innate desire and need to have a family home or to simply live with his or hers own family they would have a “sense of entitlement”? What kind of cold world do we live in? Isn’t every kid or young person deserving of what I believe to be the most basic, simplest thing that any young person could have, which is a family home, or to simply live with one’s own blood relational family, in a home? With parents, caregivers, siblings, etc? Shouldn’t it be like the norm and standard for every kid or young person? But for some reason, I’m being considered by some people as like bad, evil or reprehensible for trying to have that with my own family? I tend to think if my friends can live with their families, why can’t I live with mine? I once had a former friend who I thought would always be validating of my trauma, but he one time went against me and invalidated me and said; “Well they raised your brother! They raised him and not you so he’s their kid!” and he laughed at me. So whose kid am I? Where does that leave me then? and so after some years later I came to figure out, that perhaps the reason why I was treated the way I was treated by my family, was all because they raised my sibling and they never raised me. I can’t believe that, I went through that whole process, of getting away from my father, and finally got to be with my extended family and my brother that I never got to grow up with since we were born, and after going through such a nightmarish life with a narcissist father, only for it to, pretty much, backfire on me? all because ‘they raised him and not me’. So in order for a kid or young person to live with his or hers own family they have to be born and raised into it? And it’s unfair to me how my brother got to have what they called a “privileged life” while my life and upbringing got robbed by a toxic father. I have had someone that recognized the validity of my feelings though, and that person said ‘how in the world can you not be allowed just the same if not more’. I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere with my father. They treated me as equally as their two boys, I wanted that with my family and my brother. It’s incredibly sad and disheartening to me that, I go to my family expecting all the love and care in the world, only to seemingly be met with sort of the opposite, I just don’t understand that if they can love and care for one kid all of his life why can’t they do just the same for the other? I believe every kid and young person deserves a good home life with their families. But I guess I can’t have that with my own family all because they raised him and not me. I was told that there was only one baby on the table… They bought a condo and now my brother is living in it for free… We never chose our parents. and I never chose this life…
Thank you, Todd, for sharing your work. Noticed in this video the rock behind you to the right looks like a facial silhouette and to the top left of your staff looks like an eye in the side of the mountain. Chris Farley Awesooome.......
Wow, spot on, now, I feel like I've been containing an explosion, all those family bummers reignited at once. I said yup and ticked off every box of your intro. The root of it all and over the last few days literally sucking the life out of. Me. Thank you Todd!
My goodness i aooreciate you Todd! Am now 63 + my mum is transitioning Still making sense if the dysfunction of my birth family ? Very much look forward to listening to your wisdom as i travel back to mum. My contribution to this is a significant aspect that has helped me constantly is the friendships ive formed in my life The high caliber of these bonds and the depth of love My oldest friend from primary school revealed to me that she was sexually abused by her father from the age of seven Her family seemed so normal compared to mine??? I felt an undercurrent at times as a child but the irony is my time spent with her was incredible How weird life can be truely nothing is what it seems
Having trouble showing compassion for others that isn't reciprocated but on top of that they sit there and try to instill stuff into me just based on factually false things others (the dysfunctional family) have said about me. They also cut me off with an excuse that I would call a lie just so that they can get something out of me with as little effort exerted as possible. Frustrating. If I'm there for them when they weren't for me have I not been manipulated by them and also claimed things about me on top of that or shot them back at me as a way to try to take advantage of me. All just happened last night and I find the interaction very frustrating because they're pretty much the last person of family that is in my life at all.
thank you having 6 children and trying to break the rubbish the family teached me i think i did well we have good connection and love . only my parents are getting worse as older they are. they ignore and refuse me and also my children and grandchildren....to hurt me i was used to but now seeing ignoring innocent grandchildren makes me sad and angry... do you have any advice?
Dear Susanne Children don't need (such) grandparents it's your belief that they do that's hurting you, let go if it and youll find more love. Trust me your unconditional love will transform your kids into confident, loving, wonderful adults, they won't know this lack. I speak from experience I barely knew my grandparents, but the love we had in our home was unparalleled which made us the best most loving and good people who give affection easily.
Peace and love ALL.. check out my [ebook] on dealing with a dysfunctional family. Let’s grow in love together! stan.store/Sunkissd33/p/get-my-ebook-now--h38rv
I've been healing from family trauma for most of my life. It's a constant process.
We always have the opportunity to forgive and forget about those who wronged us
Same here, the process of forgiveness really helped me
We can forgive, but I must not forget. If I default and forget what was done by others, I risk enabling more of the same. Holocaust survivors can forgive, but why forget, only to allow history to repeat itself????? No, by their stories, books eg Man's Search for Meaning, documentaries, film eg Schindler's List, museums and monuments they will NOT let us forget the horrors of human behaviors.
@donnawoodford8145 When I say forget I really mean move on, we don't need to keep reminding ourselves of the worst trauma we've gone through to develop wisdom and learn something from that situation
@donnawoodford8145 Also, they don't want you to forget because that's effective way of controlling people by continously brain washing your thoughts
Peaceful voice words like diamonds feeling love and acceptance thank you 🙏
Thank you, Todd! This really hits the spot. Give ourselves permission to be patient and compassionate with the old wounds. There’s bound to be “new wounds” as the world spins, and we have the privilege of carrying our hearts. Let’s heal so we can return to kindness. ❤✌🏼
I listen to your words more than once. I am really damaged. I have lost a lot. I keep hoping that each day gets better. Thank you for you wisdom and guidance. ❤
I was a child of a narcissist parent, I came from a very difficult life with him, and was homeless with him for a very long time in the past and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to escape him, and had to go great lengths to get away from him. I was lucky to have known the people that had helped me and allowed me to stay with them. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet. They flew me in first class to go be with them. At first there was this honeymoon period, they thought of me as a gift from grandma that passed away. But what seemed like a gift from the universe, only turned into something that had psychologically wounded me. I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they seemed to have been to live with, and how strict and conditional their love and regard was towards me. I felt like I couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am, or that I had to constantly fit in to their idea of how I should live my life and be like to them. I felt like I was some kind of flawed and inadequate kid. I would hear them say things like “but he wasn’t raised that way!” “oh it’s just gonna take time”, “I just think he just wasn’t raised properly” …and it felt like I had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved, and if I don’t, then it’s basically ‘bye peace out can’t live with your family’. To this day I feel this deep, inner wound of rejection and unworthiness that I carry each and every day. My aunt would ask this weird question “what are the advantages that you think you have of being here?” but in my mind I’m like ‘I didn’t come here just so I can gain some kind of material advantages, I came to have a life here with my family just like any other kid would with their families, not a quid pro quo’.
But I just told her “I don’t know” , and she replied “then why did you come live with us honey?” and she didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and said “why not come stay here?”
I had unfortunately received some invalidating comments from others that I’ve tried to speak to about my trauma, they’ve said things like “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and another person said “you don’t seem to realize that you’re wanting a warped and distorted image of your family” “you are not your brother you’re not their kid” and I’ve basically been labeled as having some kind of “sense of entitlement”.
So for a kid or young person to have an innate desire and need to have a family home or to simply live with his or hers own family they would have a “sense of entitlement”? What kind of cold world do we live in?
Isn’t every kid or young person deserving of what I believe to be the most basic, simplest thing that any young person could have, which is a family home, or to simply live with one’s own blood relational family, in a home? With parents, caregivers, siblings, etc? Shouldn’t it be like the norm and standard for every kid or young person? But for some reason, I’m being considered by some people as like bad, evil or reprehensible for trying to have that with my own family? I tend to think if my friends can live with their families, why can’t I live with mine? I once had a former friend who I thought would always be validating of my trauma, but he one time went against me and invalidated me and said; “Well they raised your brother! They raised him and not you so he’s their kid!” and he laughed at me. So whose kid am I? Where does that leave me then?
and so after some years later I came to figure out, that perhaps the reason why I was treated the way I was treated by my family, was all because they raised my sibling and they never raised me. I can’t believe that, I went through that whole process, of getting away from my father, and finally got to be with my extended family and my brother that I never got to grow up with since we were born, and after going through such a nightmarish life with a narcissist father, only for it to, pretty much, backfire on me? all because ‘they raised him and not me’. So in order for a kid or young person to live with his or hers own family they have to be born and raised into it? And it’s unfair to me how my brother got to have what they called a “privileged life” while my life and upbringing got robbed by a toxic father.
I have had someone that recognized the validity of my feelings though, and that person said ‘how in the world can you not be allowed just the same if not more’.
I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere with my father. They treated me as equally as their two boys, I wanted that with my family and my brother.
It’s incredibly sad and disheartening to me that, I go to my family expecting all the love and care in the world, only to seemingly be met with sort of the opposite, I just don’t understand that if they can love and care for one kid all of his life why can’t they do just the same for the other? I believe every kid and young person deserves a good home life with their families.
But I guess I can’t have that with my own family all because they raised him and not me.
I was told that there was only one baby on the table…
They bought a condo and now my brother is living in it for free…
We never chose our parents.
and I never chose this life…
Thank you, Todd, for sharing your work.
Noticed in this video the rock behind you to the right looks like a facial silhouette and to the top left of your staff looks like an eye in the side of the mountain.
Chris Farley Awesooome.......
Wow, spot on, now, I feel like I've been containing an explosion, all those family bummers reignited at once.
I said yup and ticked off every box of your intro.
The root of it all and over the last few days literally sucking the life out of.
Me. Thank you Todd!
Glad it was helpful!
❤ Thanks! I love your messages of love.
Glad you like them! Thank you so much for generosity 🙏
😊thanking again dear Soul for your wisdom.. .. You make our lives much better 🙏
My goodness i aooreciate you Todd!
Am now 63 + my mum is transitioning
Still making sense if the dysfunction of my birth family ?
Very much look forward to listening to your wisdom as i travel back to mum.
My contribution to this is a significant aspect that has helped me constantly is the friendships ive formed in my life
The high caliber of these bonds and the depth of love
My oldest friend from primary school revealed to me that she was sexually abused by her father from the age of seven
Her family seemed so normal compared to mine???
I felt an undercurrent at times as a child but the irony is my time spent with her was incredible
How weird life can be truely nothing is what it seems
Hi! May I ask what do you mean that your mom is transitioning?
@@JesusSaves77799 mumsbodyisdying
Hersoulispreparingtoleavethisplaneofexistance
Thank you so much Todd!!! Yes!!!
I will take my first step and many more!!! 💜
Beautiful and wise words and life advice.
Thank you so much, Todd.
I really needed to hear these words 🙏
Glad it was helpful!
@@ToddPerelmuter I'm grateful for you 🙏🏼 Your words have been and continue to be great guidance, comfort & grace
Some cruel people actually have made a lifestyle out of it intentionally. Not all are unaware.
Having trouble showing compassion for others that isn't reciprocated but on top of that they sit there and try to instill stuff into me just based on factually false things others (the dysfunctional family) have said about me. They also cut me off with an excuse that I would call a lie just so that they can get something out of me with as little effort exerted as possible. Frustrating. If I'm there for them when they weren't for me have I not been manipulated by them and also claimed things about me on top of that or shot them back at me as a way to try to take advantage of me. All just happened last night and I find the interaction very frustrating because they're pretty much the last person of family that is in my life at all.
thank you
having 6 children and trying to break the rubbish the family teached me i think i did well we have good connection and love . only my parents are getting worse as older they are.
they ignore and refuse me and also my children and grandchildren....to hurt me i was used to but now seeing ignoring innocent grandchildren makes me sad and angry...
do you have any advice?
Learn to live without them. Conditional controlling “love” isn’t love.
Dear Susanne
Children don't need (such) grandparents it's your belief that they do that's hurting you, let go if it and youll find more love. Trust me your unconditional love will transform your kids into confident, loving, wonderful adults, they won't know this lack. I speak from experience I barely knew my grandparents, but the love we had in our home was unparalleled which made us the best most loving and good people who give affection easily.
A very good reminder of what love is and what it isn’t 🩵
Peace and love ALL.. check out my [ebook] on dealing with a dysfunctional family. Let’s grow in love together! stan.store/Sunkissd33/p/get-my-ebook-now--h38rv