It's like radical veracity. Tell the truth. The sky won't fall. What we are learning here is putting the truth of your experiences into words. I never could do this on the spot, I would come up with the words to respond and practice them. Then I was ready!
The narcissist I deal with just stonewalls when I ask questions like you are suggesting. They don't give a crap about what you allow. Telling them what you don't allow only shows them what gets to you and they will absolutely do it more just to crawl under your skin. I've found it's better to show them boundaries through your actions and don't react to their tactics. Staying calm is also very important. The dialogue you suggest can work in public when it's done in front of other people but alone when nobody is looking, they don't give a f*ck.
You tell them what you won't allow; if they keep it up, you leave the room. Every time. Let them talk to themselves. Or you can stand there and take abuse. It is generally your choice.
A narcissist will never respect you, because they don't have respect for themselves and they can't give away what they don't have inside of them to give away. I would never want to even try to gain their respect, but I would want boundaries in place so that I can work and not feel like I am in a hostile work environment. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘😃👍
They may not respect anyone--but in dealing with a narcissist, I'll settle for a gentle fear of how you will respond when your boundaries are crossed. I am not talking about anger or being childish. I am talking about spotlighting their behavior. Whereas they don't empathize, neither do they want to be embarrassed or called out for their behavior at all.
@@TheWizardOfWords I understand. The irony is that the narcissist is the one who lashes out in anger and acts childish. In their anger and their lashing out, they do appear to behave in a way that looks childish. I totally understand that you would not want to embarrass them for two reasons: it's mean, and it's a reflection of who you are as a person if you embarrass somebody( even a narcissist) on purpose . I would never hurt anybody on purpose. I'm like a big teddy bear. And I can't hold a grudge.😁 Narcissists have anger issues and they lash out. If you respond in anger back at their anger, it will fuel their flames and escalate them.There is no reason for that in the work place. Dan, I just really ignore it. I ignore their behavior and I act natural. I keep working AND I will walk away from them if I need to. Or, if I have to answer to them; I give them "calm and collected " one or two word, short answers. I have never gotten into it with a narcissist or anybody at work. I know who the narcissists are and I stay away, and I am polite to them. It's funny though because the few times that a narcissist at work has come at me the wrong way at work, I am so nice to them that the next day they apologize or they treat me nice. I don't look at it as having my boundaries crossed. I look at it as they are having a bad day and they took out their anger or frustration on me and that it was never about me, but it was about them. I am amiable and I am even keeled (believe it or not, Dan) ♥️🤗 I am NOT that super sensitive amiable type that you have referred to before. I can be screamed at by somebody at work, and I just stay calm and remember my navigational compass.♥️ I LOVE the navigational compass. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ I never get upset and show emotion at work. I never react in anger at anyone at work. I am NOT a sensitive, reactionary amiable person at work. In fact people commonly tell me that I need to stand up for my self more at work and not let people push me around. I'm kind to everybody, even to those who mistreat me. I just tell myself that they are having a bad day and then I go about my day. I'm a dreamer, and when someone crosses a boundary at work, I think about something funny or something that makes me smile and then I go about my day. I just don't make it a point to try to earn their respect but I would never disrespect them back. Thank you for making me better, Dan. I put into practice everything you teach me. Just with the narcissist, I stay away, stay away, stay away. But they don't shake me. I'm not the hypersensitive amiable. I am regular amiable with a touch of extravagant. LOL, just a sprinkle of extravagant, not over kill. 😀 ♥️♥️♥️♥️ ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Dan, the content you teach us all is just wise, amazing, and right on target with the people we all interact with today. My most sincere thanks to you for your sharing!!!!
Narcissists are angry children as adults. Tantrumming and childishly manipulative. Boundaries are great they crave discipline and “parental” attention so I deal with them in a parent like fashion. Not in a condescending way but It seems to be working very well. Structure and boundaries are my tactics and for sure deliver my truth.
Yes, and those who say that boundaries don't work with narcissists--clear boundaries that don't involve condescension, probably have not established boundaries.
@@indigosungirl Most narcissists I've known were treated like royalty as children and this is where I believe they acquired a superficial sense of importance and entitlement; there behavior was excused; think of the bullies and the favored child who always got away with everything. Borderlines, on the other hand, were typically scapegoats.
@@WorkingProgress17 yes as I understand it that is another half of the narcissist population however they could still have the common thread of being devoid of fulfilling attention.
Number 10 is something I deal with with many higher ups at work. I also deal with this with a couple of elder relatives. I love your videos! Thank you for helping us ❤
They hate yes or no questions because they can't lie themselves out of it but this is what I do anyway. If they can't answer the question I know they are lying.
I've literally just found your video's, as was searching for ways to cope with someine I've been with for 7yrs, at times he seems xtra critical with me, nothing is right, or he will say things in a jokey way, light hearted way, but it's things that are putting me down saying I'm a silly kid" flicking my head he thinks it's banter, whenever I've called him out on it, he Says im too sensitive, emotional and that I think too much.
Hey hey. Love your videos really. I always had a temper in my life . Now I'm older and taking a different approach. I didn't know how to check people professionally. I feel so empowered ❤
I’m a mom/ grandmother with 7 grown children. I just started a business after being a housewife for 35 years. Professionally, the power dynamic I hate is when business women and one man asked me, “How many baby daddies do you have?” “Is it all the same fathers.” It is a lose lose. If I answer it, I will feel degraded. If I don’t answer it I look like I have something to hide. After 35 years of devoting my life to raising a family, I would think there would be a better question than basically, “How big of a whore are you?” I tried humor, “Well, I’m doing the UN thing where I have a baby from Africa, South America…etc”. Then I get the deadpan. “I see, you don’t want to answer the question.” I feel like I’m immediately framed in a terrible way. I don’t want to enter the power dynamic where I’m answerable to them. I also don’t want to say, “I keep my private life personal” as it makes me look like I have something to hide. Some people just seem to want to make my life their cheap entertainment. Help!
Don't worry about appearing to have something to hide. Be more concerned about your own boundaries, Bsainsbury. If you don't want to say "I prefer not to discuss my personal ife; I know you'll respect that," you can answer their questions with "Why would you ask that?" And when they say "I'm just curious" you respond with "Are you always this curious?" And after that, just smile and give them the 3-second look. No one is entitled to the answers to those questions, and such questioning should be stopped in its tracks. Another way to answer this (and who cares if the questioner thinks you are "hiding" instead of just being private) is to say: "You are asking me a personal question? Do we have that type of relationship? I would like to keep our relationship strictly business, and I'm sure you'll see that as appropriate."
I need help with coworkers I’ve had for over a decade, five of them were us being feral and without a supervisor. I can only work 18 hours a week due to my disability but somehow I’m the only one who took up leadership role. Now we almost have a supervisor and everyone seems to be imploding over who isn’t doing their “jobs”. I’m at a loss 😢
Re. boundary statement consistently may backfire especially if this narcissist person has power your livelihood especially when the employee a few years away from retirement or 62 yo. What to do?
Dan, I super love your content! Thank you for all your wisdom. It's appreciated here when dealing with, well, you know who..... One of my FAVORITE phrases to deescelate antagonistic personalities, especially when they are in the rage and/or passive-agressive cycle of their anger, is "I'm sorry, could you repeat that for me a little bit slower. I didn't quite catch that." And then the long uncomfortable pause, with eye contact and confident body language. 😘 "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that for me a little bit slower. I didn't quite catch that."
@@TheWizardOfWords Do It!!! I stared down a monster raging at me, saying, "You're just a Woman. You don't know what you are talking about." And I calmly replied, "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that for me a little bit slower I didn't quite catch that." Needless to say, I am no longer working in that environment. I have the solace of everyone who witnessed that interaction, the look on their faces before I walked the F out. Thank you very much. I didn't quite catch that.
Hi Dan, thanks for the great advice. Do you have a video on how to handle people who have very politially opposed views? I have different views to most of my friends re the current Israel conflict and don't want to engage with such divisive politics or explain myself either. Thanks. X
Julia--first, thanks for your membership and support; it is much appreciated. And second--I do have videos on handling political talk at the office (or anywhere else for that matter). Essentially you say "I have declared a moratorium on political conversations; I know you'll honor that." If they ask you what a moratorium is, tell them: "It means simply that I am not going to discuss politics at this time--with anyone; I know you'll honor that." After that, repeat the phrase as a broken record, no matter what they say. If they argue at all, e.g. "but it's so. important, how can you not have an opinion?" you consistently respond with "that may be but, I have declared a moratorium on political conversations" (and if appropriate, add "at the office."). The "that may be but . . ." combined with "the broken record" works extremely well in this situation.
@TheWizardOfWords Thanks very much for this Dan, much appreciated. I'll make a note of what you've said. I love your very helpful and supportive channel and I'm very happy to be a member.❤️🪷
How can I address an overstepping of boundaries that happened a week ago and to which I didn't react at the moment this toxic coworker totally disrespected my sphere of action at the workplace? I didn't say anything because we were in front of other people and I thought it would be inappropiate to confront this person in public. But I don't want this coworker to repeat her intrusive behaviour.
I would take her aside and be specific as to what she did--and I would tell her exactly what you told me in re why you waited to speak to her. Tell her you expect this behavior will never happen again.
People pleasing is a problem for me (especially in the past) but also on the receiving end... because people who engage in this bending over backwards strategy also often try to manipulate or eventually become resentful. It makes personal and work relationships complicated.
It's like radical veracity. Tell the truth. The sky won't fall. What we are learning here is putting the truth of your experiences into words. I never could do this on the spot, I would come up with the words to respond and practice them. Then I was ready!
Practice is everything, JerseyLynne :)
You are the ultimate G of words Dan, seriously! 🙌
Many thanks, m_ish7.
The narcissist I deal with just stonewalls when I ask questions like you are suggesting. They don't give a crap about what you allow. Telling them what you don't allow only shows them what gets to you and they will absolutely do it more just to crawl under your skin. I've found it's better to show them boundaries through your actions and don't react to their tactics. Staying calm is also very important. The dialogue you suggest can work in public when it's done in front of other people but alone when nobody is looking, they don't give a f*ck.
You tell them what you won't allow; if they keep it up, you leave the room. Every time. Let them talk to themselves. Or you can stand there and take abuse. It is generally your choice.
A narcissist will never respect you, because they don't have respect for themselves and they can't give away what they don't have inside of them to give away. I would never want to even try to gain their respect, but I would want boundaries in place so that I can work and not feel like I am in a hostile work environment. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘😃👍
They may not respect anyone--but in dealing with a narcissist, I'll settle for a gentle fear of how you will respond when your boundaries are crossed. I am not talking about anger or being childish. I am talking about spotlighting their behavior. Whereas they don't empathize, neither do they want to be embarrassed or called out for their behavior at all.
@@TheWizardOfWords I understand. The irony is that the narcissist is the one who lashes out in anger and acts childish. In their anger and their lashing out, they do appear to behave in a way that looks childish. I totally understand that you would not want to embarrass them for two reasons: it's mean, and it's a reflection of who you are as a person if you embarrass somebody( even a narcissist) on purpose . I would never hurt anybody on purpose. I'm like a big teddy bear. And I can't hold a grudge.😁 Narcissists have anger issues and they lash out. If you respond in anger back at their anger, it will fuel their flames and escalate them.There is no reason for that in the work place. Dan, I just really ignore it. I ignore their behavior and I act natural. I keep working AND I will walk away from them if I need to. Or, if I have to answer to them; I give them "calm and collected " one or two word, short answers. I have never gotten into it with a narcissist or anybody at work. I know who the narcissists are and I stay away, and I am polite to them. It's funny though because the few times that a narcissist at work has come at me the wrong way at work, I am so nice to them that the next day they apologize or they treat me nice. I don't look at it as having my boundaries crossed. I look at it as they are having a bad day and they took out their anger or frustration on me and that it was never about me, but it was about them. I am amiable and I am even keeled (believe it or not, Dan) ♥️🤗 I am NOT that super sensitive amiable type that you have referred to before. I can be screamed at by somebody at work, and I just stay calm and remember my navigational compass.♥️ I LOVE the navigational compass. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ I never get upset and show emotion at work. I never react in anger at anyone at work. I am NOT a sensitive, reactionary amiable person at work. In fact people commonly tell me that I need to stand up for my self more at work and not let people push me around. I'm kind to everybody, even to those who mistreat me. I just tell myself that they are having a bad day and then I go about my day. I'm a dreamer, and when someone crosses a boundary at work, I think about something funny or something that makes me smile and then I go about my day. I just don't make it a point to try to earn their respect but I would never disrespect them back. Thank you for making me better, Dan. I put into practice everything you teach me. Just with the narcissist, I stay away, stay away, stay away. But they don't shake me. I'm not the hypersensitive amiable. I am regular amiable with a touch of extravagant. LOL, just a sprinkle of extravagant, not over kill. 😀 ♥️♥️♥️♥️ ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I love how you get straight to the point - no fluff - just get to the point!
Lack of empathy (combined with just emotional laziness and rudeness) I struggle with in my environment a lot.
Learning to talk plainly and truthfully has been when the best things I ever learned to do.
Thanks!
Thank you Emwhite. Much appreciated :)
Dan, the content you teach us all is just wise, amazing, and right on target with the people we all interact with today. My most sincere thanks to you for your sharing!!!!
I appreciate your comment, Gchorton :). Thank you.
I love listening to you. The fast pace you talk at keeps me interrested and shows your intelligence.👍
Love the fast paced talking.
Narcissists are angry children as adults. Tantrumming and childishly manipulative. Boundaries are great they crave discipline and “parental” attention so I deal with them in a parent like fashion. Not in a condescending way but It seems to be working very well. Structure and boundaries are my tactics and for sure deliver my truth.
Yes, and those who say that boundaries don't work with narcissists--clear boundaries that don't involve condescension, probably have not established boundaries.
Great point.
@@TheWizardOfWords and kind strong ones because they’ve not been treated nice as children
@@indigosungirl Most narcissists I've known were treated like royalty as children and this is where I believe they acquired a superficial sense of importance and entitlement; there behavior was excused; think of the bullies and the favored child who always got away with everything. Borderlines, on the other hand, were typically scapegoats.
@@WorkingProgress17 yes as I understand it that is another half of the narcissist population however they could still have the common thread of being devoid of fulfilling attention.
Number 10 is something I deal with with many higher ups at work. I also deal with this with a couple of elder relatives. I love your videos! Thank you for helping us ❤
They hate yes or no questions because they can't lie themselves out of it but this is what I do anyway. If they can't answer the question I know they are lying.
Thank you Dan, your channel is just so incredibly helpful. I hope you have an awesome day :)
Thanks, and I wish you an awesome day as well--and week and life!
You’re good….
I’m gonna put this in my pocket
(After, of course, I watch this vid enough times to fully absorb it). You are excellent!
This is good advice, Thank you! Dan you nailed it. Taking my power back, the toxic drama queen has got to be confronted.
The 3 things I have problems with the most are 1. Manipulative behavior 2. Lack of accountability (constantly!) 3. Emotional abuse.
Again. Fantastic video.
I've literally just found your video's, as was searching for ways to cope with someine I've been with for 7yrs, at times he seems xtra critical with me, nothing is right, or he will say things in a jokey way, light hearted way, but it's things that are putting me down saying I'm a silly kid" flicking my head he thinks it's banter, whenever I've called him out on it, he Says im too sensitive, emotional and that I think too much.
Please go to my channel and put gaslighting in the search.
binge watching
You're awesome Dan! Thanks for these examples, they are super helpful🤩
Dan - thank you - you always help us feel smarter, calmer and more at ease.
You are so beautiful. 🙏😎✨
Well thank you SKW :).
Hey hey. Love your videos really. I always had a temper in my life . Now I'm older and taking a different approach. I didn't know how to check people professionally. I feel so empowered ❤
Thanks for sharing, Hiphip.
I’m a mom/ grandmother with 7 grown children. I just started a business after being a housewife for 35 years.
Professionally, the power dynamic I hate is when business women and one man asked me, “How many baby daddies do you have?” “Is it all the same fathers.” It is a lose lose. If I answer it, I will feel degraded. If I don’t answer it I look like I have something to hide. After 35 years of devoting my life to raising a family, I would think there would be a better question than basically, “How big of a whore are you?” I tried humor, “Well, I’m doing the UN thing where I have a baby from Africa, South America…etc”. Then I get the deadpan. “I see, you don’t want to answer the question.” I feel like I’m immediately framed in a terrible way.
I don’t want to enter the power dynamic where I’m answerable to them. I also don’t want to say, “I keep my private life personal” as it makes me look like I have something to hide. Some people just seem to want to make my life their cheap entertainment. Help!
Don't worry about appearing to have something to hide. Be more concerned about your own boundaries, Bsainsbury. If you don't want to say "I prefer not to discuss my personal ife; I know you'll respect that," you can answer their questions with "Why would you ask that?" And when they say "I'm just curious" you respond with "Are you always this curious?" And after that, just smile and give them the 3-second look. No one is entitled to the answers to those questions, and such questioning should be stopped in its tracks. Another way to answer this (and who cares if the questioner thinks you are "hiding" instead of just being private) is to say: "You are asking me a personal question? Do we have that type of relationship? I would like to keep our relationship strictly business, and I'm sure you'll see that as appropriate."
Your channel is a wonderful resource ❤
Number 3 fasho
I need help with coworkers I’ve had for over a decade, five of them were us being feral and without a supervisor. I can only work 18 hours a week due to my disability but somehow I’m the only one who took up leadership role. Now we almost have a supervisor and everyone seems to be imploding over who isn’t doing their “jobs”. I’m at a loss 😢
I need more details, Inside.
Re. boundary statement consistently may backfire especially if this narcissist person has power your livelihood especially when the employee a few years away from retirement or 62 yo.
What to do?
Maybe keep your head down, if you're that close to retirement and have been putting up with this guy for years? Best I can do Amarleborgne.
Dan, I super love your content! Thank you for all your wisdom. It's appreciated here when dealing with, well, you know who.....
One of my FAVORITE phrases to deescelate antagonistic personalities, especially when they are in the rage and/or passive-agressive cycle of their anger, is "I'm sorry, could you repeat that for me a little bit slower. I didn't quite catch that."
And then the long uncomfortable pause, with eye contact and confident body language.
😘 "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that for me a little bit slower. I didn't quite catch that."
EXCELLENT :). I'm going to steal it.
@@TheWizardOfWords Do It!!! I stared down a monster raging at me, saying, "You're just a Woman. You don't know what you are talking about."
And I calmly replied, "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that for me a little bit slower I didn't quite catch that."
Needless to say, I am no longer working in that environment. I have the solace of everyone who witnessed that interaction, the look on their faces before I walked the F out.
Thank you very much. I didn't quite catch that.
PRICELESS. :)
Nice one...
Hi Dan, thanks for the great advice. Do you have a video on how to handle people who have very politially opposed views? I have different views to most of my friends re the current Israel conflict and don't want to engage with such divisive politics or explain myself either. Thanks. X
Julia--first, thanks for your membership and support; it is much appreciated. And second--I do have videos on handling political talk at the office (or anywhere else for that matter). Essentially you say "I have declared a moratorium on political conversations; I know you'll honor that." If they ask you what a moratorium is, tell them: "It means simply that I am not going to discuss politics at this time--with anyone; I know you'll honor that." After that, repeat the phrase as a broken record, no matter what they say. If they argue at all, e.g. "but it's so. important, how can you not have an opinion?" you consistently respond with "that may be but, I have declared a moratorium on political conversations" (and if appropriate, add "at the office."). The "that may be but . . ." combined with "the broken record" works extremely well in this situation.
@TheWizardOfWords Thanks very much for this Dan, much appreciated. I'll make a note of what you've said. I love your very helpful and supportive channel and I'm very happy to be a member.❤️🪷
And I'm happy to have you as a member, Julia :)
How can I address an overstepping of boundaries that happened a week ago and to which I didn't react at the moment this toxic coworker totally disrespected my sphere of action at the workplace? I didn't say anything because we were in front of other people and I thought it would be inappropiate to confront this person in public. But I don't want this coworker to repeat her intrusive behaviour.
I would take her aside and be specific as to what she did--and I would tell her exactly what you told me in re why you waited to speak to her. Tell her you expect this behavior will never happen again.
How do you respond when you say "I dont allow xyz" and the person replies "What you going to do about it"?
"Keep talking. I am walking out of this room." Then do it. I don't care if you are at a company meeting--do it.
@TheWizardOfWords ❤
Dynamo Dan!!❤❤❤👍👍👍🥛🍯
8
People pleasing is a problem for me (especially in the past) but also on the receiving end... because people who engage in this bending over backwards strategy also often try to manipulate or eventually become resentful. It makes personal and work relationships complicated.
Moonhunter, being kind and compassionate to people is different from "people pleasing." Would you agree?
@@TheWizardOfWords for sure. Learning the difference makes all the difference.
🙋♀️💖