How to Make A Proper Apology in 3 Steps
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- Опубліковано 17 вер 2024
- It can be really hard to make an effective apology if we've never learned how to do it. And as hard as it can be to put the ego aside and take personal responsibility when we've wronged someone, it is so freeing when we can own our mistakes, and then make a proper apology. Here I teach the properly apologize in 3 steps and 2 common mistakes most people make when they apologies that essentially makes the apology unhelpful.
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Hi you all! What connected with you from this video? I'd love to hear.
Acknowledging what you did and taking responsibility for it.
@@simonwinstonals861 so simple but SO powerful.
The parent apologizing to the child analogy was a good one. Keep up the good work.
@@supermichaelssecondchannel4342 Thanks Keny - glad it connected.
@@supermichaelssecondchannel4342 That's a tough one for me since I honestly do not expect an apology from my dad at this point in our lives. The tougher part for me is that I am working a 12 step program and on the 9th step you have to make amends to those that you harmed. I justify my unwillingness to apologize for my wrongs that he wronged me a lot more but...it is about me apologizing for what I did to him.
I hate it when someone says “I’m sorry IF I made you feel upset” when you’ve already told them it made you feel that way,
Agreed.
sorry you feel that way
IF
Acceptance, confession, apologize, repent.
1 I admit this thing I did is wrong.
2 I recognize this wrong thing I did has hurt you.
3 I'm sorry. (Full stop)
4 I wont do it again.
This is how it was taught to me years ago. I understand its an extra step, but step 4 is just a proof the first 3 steps were genuine.
This is great - thanks for sharing Nathan.
I came into this video with a similar list:
(a) "I acknowledge that I did X and it made you feel bad"
(b) "I feel bad about having acted in a way that made you feel bad"
(c) "I promise not to do it again"
Note: my list differs from Pak_Flesot's list in that "wrong" is replaced by "made you feel bad" [that's _why_ it's wrong]. When apologizing, I recommend replacing "feel bad" with a specific emotion.
However, I find that language templates are less important than knowing what ideas to communicate and what attitude to take.
The one big idea is the implied statement "I will treat you decently", which I define here as "not knowingly hurting you unnecessarily".
Another way of getting at the same idea: what the other person presumably wants is for the hurt to be recognized and acknowledged, plus they want some amount of reassurance that it won't happen again; and that your impact on their feelings is what is motivating your behavior change.
You need to demonstrate both ability and commitment. You demonstrate ability by demonstrating your knowledge of the fact that the other person got hurt and why (i.e. in what other similar scenarios they would get hurt as well).
You demonstrate commitment by stating how you will make the bad thing not happen again. If it was an intentional action that hurt the other person, you promise not to do it again. If it was an accident, I suggest stating a mitigation strategy and asking the other person if they feel enough has been done once that mitigation strategy is in place. [After accidentally stepping on their toes, "I'll look more carefully where I'm walking // I'll keep a bit more distance."]
If your action that hurt the other person was your way of attempting something which you want to attempt again in the future, _maybe_ it is okay to ask "I was trying X; is there some different way I can try/accomplish X which you'll be okay with?" I wouldn't _lead_ with my own concerns; not until I've demonstrated a desire to not hurt the other person and the knowledge that I've hurt them.
In general, if you hurt someone, their concerns should take precedence. Your one job is to work out what they need and give it to them (or assure them you will). If they are decent, this will not be painful for you. [If they are not decent, you're dealing with a completely different kettle of fish.]
I suspect half-assed (and zero-assed) apologies are the product of past experiences, in which the person apologizing was punished for having done something wrong. If you've come to expect punishment and retribution, it makes sense to deflect and say "[circumstances] made me do it", i.e. to downplay how much control you exercised over the outcome, or "I was only trying to help", i.e. emphasize how your actions were justified.
This usually doesn't go over well, because the listener takes this as an indication of how you'll approach similar situations in the future: since you downplay your own degree of control you'll probably not think to exercise whatever degree of control you do have differently. And since you talk about how your actions were justified, you'll probably view them as justified in the future.
Instead, even though it is scary, I recommend the more vulnerable approach I've already outlined: acknowledge the bad consequences of actions you have control over, and commit to controlling them differently going forwards. Note: I only recommend this towards people who don't abuse you. Maybe instead of "I was only trying to X", something like "can I try X in some way that's okay by you?", and instead of "[because circumstances]", something like "I'm not confident I'll do the right thing in [circumstances]. If I mitigate this by [...], do you feel confident enough that [it'll be okay]?" It might still be scary: there's no way around not opening yourself up to them saying "no, not enough".
Unfortunately after watching this I realized I didn’t give a good apology and this relationship with this person has suffered for two years because of this. I have felt that I apologized and we need to move past it but I’m at fault for not giving a good apology. I hope it’s still not late for me to make it right. Thank you for your videos they allow me to look at myself and become of aware of things I can address to become a better version of myself. Thank you.
I've had apologies in the past where I've actually finally said that their "I'm sorry BUT .." is not an apology. I appreciate this video, thank you.
Agreed 100%. That's not an apology - it's an excuse.
thank you. an apology without changed behavior is manipulation
Yes.
It seems like such a simple concept, but so so important. Not being able to apologize can end relationships because the air is never cleared & u never get to hear the other person's side leaving resentment & distance.
I really enjoyed this. Actually, I've only been recently learning about how apologies can also be narcissistic in nature if the apology is full of excessive guilt. Not giving the person offended time to go through and the freedom to feel their own emotions on the subject while bombarding said person with offense and then with personal feelings afterwards with guilt is not a very effective apology at all because it never actually acknowledges the other person within the situation. I try to keep that in mind because of that and find it almost relieving to know that sincere apology is actually more simple than I thought it was. Thank you for sharing. 😊
I totally agree. You can feel how icky it is when someone is making it all about them trying to absolve their guilt. That's not a real apology.
Hello, my name is Vanessa Borunda and I’m a graduate student at Grand Canyon University. I’m in the process of obtaining my Master’s degree in mental health counseling. I came across your page from one of my colleagues, and I loved the video so much I immediately subscribed. Thank you much for providing this feel knowledge that many people can relate too. You’re so inspiring and really helping me personally.
Vanessa - it's so so good to connect with another Psych lover! Welcome here.
Julia Kristina Counselling thank you so much once again. I apologize for the bad grammar, I was so excited and felt the need to introduce myself that my brain was working faster than my fingers.
So glad I caught this one. Very helpful, and imperative to teach young children this early.
Yes! So good.
And adults!
Thank you Julia. I am in a situation right now where I need to apologise in the right way and not give excuses as to why I wronged the other person. So many thanks for that 👍
Thank you, so much for sharing this. I've also learned to be as sincere as possible, when I'm about to apologise and once I apologised, I do feel the peace. Once again, thank you for the advice.
Thank you for this video. The other night a girl I care for deeply was venting. I realize now that I should have felt grateful she was being so vulnerable (and I was) but I felt this need to help and offer advice, or an alternative perspective to her hopelessness - I don't know why I did it, I am no white knight. She was just sharing and venting. I've been trying to search for the right way to let her know I am sorry and realize my mistake, without making it about me. All she wanted was someone to listen. If she wanted advice she would ask for it. I feel foolish in hindsight, as if me wanting to help her, was more of a selfish move. Like a compulsion without thought. Still trying to find the right words (despite an initial, "i am sorry" message to her), so I appreciate you sharing this.
Damn I actually needed this. Thank you ❤️
Really glad it connected.
I’m so grateful I am trying to get my job back tomorrow for being late constantly and I want to focus on the empathy for them and I appreciate the advice
Hello Kristina!! Universe led me here to help heal from my relationship with a narcissist. You’ve helped me so much, thank you for this! ❤️
I just lost the best relationship I ever had due to not learning how to apologize. He said 90% of the relationship was good. It’s the 10% was his dealbreaker. Apologies for it. I hope everyone takes her advice to heart and recognize the value of apologies.
I think some situations where something small like you shouted, or we're selfish on one day, this would work but not for a long complex relationship where many issues come into play.
I used this video in my middle school special education class. We took notes in our Soft Skills Journal. I like giving students a step-by-step routine, or script they can learn to navigate through their social lives.
This was very helpful. I'd have loved to have heard you speak out / role play the apology, but I have gained enough from your video to formulate one. I was always taught "don't ruin an apology with an excuse" and that is so right. As I sit down now to write an apology, I will do it as you have instructed. God bless you
My name is Joshua. I discovered your channel yesterday night. When I saw your video on how to prevent getting easily triggered and reacting. I am actually here because I had a huge fight with my girl 2 days ago and she has totally shut me out. Her lines are switched off. I reacted too fast and it kept getting worse. I don't know if I can save my relationship but I'm here to become a better version of myself now. I realized things I did wrong and wish to correct myself for the future.
Hey Julia. Posting this on your most recent video with the hope that you will see it. Your videos have really helped me learn more about myself and how to feel in my own skin. Today I had a car accident where I could have easily died, luckily I managed to escape unscathed. Normally, totaling my car would have devastated me, leaving me paralyzed, but thanks to you and others, I've already moved on from the sad and focused on the good.
Hi Julia. If I were apologizing, I wouldn't assume how it made someone else feel - this would be something else for which I'd have to apologize. Instead I might offer how I would feel if someone did this to me.
Actually apologizing is also important: "I feel it was wrong of me to have done this and that and I'm sorry about what I did." IS important to say and yes, the apology is about what one did and not about the basic health of those involved or of the relationship - certainly NOT about the individuals involved.
Yes, by all means say what one is going to do better but also don't forget the concrete "how".
You've left off something which I think is intrinsically important to every apology and that's how to atone for a wrong done and how to make amends. These are often very concrete actions meant to help alleviate the damage caused by that for which we're apologizing. Thanks for the video
I love your videos and think you do great work. I made the mistake of talking to a few friends and family members of my friend's drinking problem. My purpose was to get more well informed and educated about the topic and then offer help. My friend found out through one of these people that I was speaking to the close people in her life and of course that didn't go over well. She felt betrayed and violated. She instantly dissolved the friendship and told me to stay away from her family and friends and denied that she had a drinking problem to begin with. She furthermore said that I was creating a problem for her that she doesn't have. A family member let me know that I am not the first to try and help her and won't be the last. All I can do is abide by her wishes...stay away, give space and try the apology again. She uses the same routine to people that have tried to help. I've been blocked on social media and threatened with a restraining order if I pursue..which seems a little over the top, but what can I do? Any advice.?
let the friendship go. it was unwise to talk behind her back, however well intentioned it was. she wont accept the apology; so go on your way and let it go, dont pursue the relationship. hopefully she will get help for her alc issue. u cannot persuade her now.
@@Lauren-vd4qe Thank you, Lauren. I think you're exactly right. Lesson learned.
1. Take ownership and responsibility for your mistakes
2. Say what you're gonna do to fix it or be better
3. Don't make excuses
Learning to have and respect relationship with myself, your videos are helping me so much in my recovery and I've made one or two videos as part of my day, safe hugs sammy
Amazing you had to make a video, it demonstrates the ego identity of avoidance of shame society encourages.
Im a late bloomer and wish i knew this stuff when i was younger Thank you and will share this with my recovery group!
Very useful reminders. Unfortunately I am sure I’ll have much practice over the years. Self improvement as we go.
Excellent. Thank you.
You're welcome friend.
Julia: Acknowledge, Empathy and Action!
I found you because I searched "how to apologize". I recently discovered that the reason I've struggled in relationships is because I have CPTSD. I want to apologize to those I've hurt without making it about me and my CPTSD, but I guess I also want my friends (and ex-friends?) to know why I struggle so badly with social relationships and situations. I can't work out how to do this. Maybe they would rather not hear from me anyway 😢 I am confused about how to do this without making things worse.
Extremely helpful. Thank you so much 🙌🏽
Well said. Additionally, I think sometimes making a "reparative gesture" can be helpful. Some little extra something we might do for the person to demonstrate our willingness to take action and in a sense "attone" for the hurtful thing we've done. Not self-punishment, but some gesture of love and care. Thanks for your video!
Thanks for this video I made a mistake in my current and this helped so much and since then we came to a better resolution and understanding of each other.
Hello, I am from the U.S. I am trying to do self improvement and solve some of my issues. I am also studying Spanish, French because of school, and Italian when I am bored. I understand if it seems hard to belive, but I have a talent for learning languages.
I sincerely appreciate this video and I feel great I stumbled into your channel again. I recently hurt a loved one verbally so I am preparing for a meaningful and constructive apology
Thank you Julia, the part where you said it takes two to tango. My brain, I’m thinking yes cause and effect. It was my reaction to their action that I am apologizing for. So ok, I will not bring up what they did. But it is so wrong!
This was very informative and thank you Julia
It is definitely hard to give an honest apology at time, especially when you know that you are 100% in the wrong.
The apology that annoys me the most is the one that you could call a blame apology: "I'm sorry that I did that BUT you're always annoying me" or "I'm sorry that I did that but you deserved it" or similar ones. Those in particular are the ones who come from people who just expect you to know though clairvoyance what they do and don't like. So you say that you're sorry but you still shift the blame to the person that you are apologizing to. Plenty of people do this when they give a token apology just to look good but still refuse to take responsibility.
Even if the other person did something to annoy you, do take responsibility for your reaction. More than likely they understand how it makes you feel not to act like that towards you again. Yeah, some immature ones will then throw it back at you and use it to guilt you even more but, like JK said, it's for you to recognize your own reaction or overreaction.
Being a thoughtless inconsiderate entitled immature thoughtless jerk to someone I care about. I projected onto them when I should have known better. They were depressed and grieving and I made it all about me. I am giving myself time to reflect and then I plan to apologize and hope for the best.
Thank you
Thank You 🙏💖
Im new to this channel, but just wanted to say thank you Julia for this video. Im really happy I came across this
I treated my gf of 4 yrs, horrible after she made some poor choices in life. I told her it was ok, but I would bring it up when we fought and hurt her feelings pretty bad. I’m shitty. I was wrong. She don’t want to be with me anymore and I don’t blame her. I apologized from my deepest heart and am taking steps to change my behaviors. She says she misses the old us but she needs space. So I’m giving her space. I think it may be over. …. And I’m sad. We both are. I miss her
she doesnt want you any more bc she doesnt want to face a future of you throwing it in her face every time you have a spat. leave her alone; move on. the next time u have a spat with a partner, state your case CALMLY, then walk away....literally...walk away! go cool off, let your words settle in her mind...if the issue cannot b readily resolved, then move on. dont hook up with pugnacious contentious people or spats will always b on the table, not worth it. DONT raise your voice, ever, raise your BRAINS instead.
@@Lauren-vd4qe Hey, thank you for that. You make a lot of sense. Thank you.
@@Ry77x heres something else with a lot of sense: Dale Carnegie book How to Win Friends and Influence People....a worldwide bestseller, sold millions and printed in many languages. easy read, fabulous book.
@@Lauren-vd4qe Thank you again! I’ve found it for free online. Thanks I will def read tonight
@@Ry77x enjoy!
TYSM I AM TERRIBLE WITH APOLOGIES 😭😭😭
As far as the video and the message amazing great advice and I think some of the stuff you talked about is literally clinically proven so thank you very much for taking the time to make these videos for us we appreciate it and we need it
What a great video Julia! It is very humbling to own up to our mistakes and apologize. Thanks for doing this. You know what - I was also looking to see if you did a UA-cam video on forgiveness. I don't see one. I remember you did a great talk about that in our Shift Society. If you haven't done a UA-cam video on forgiveness, that would be a great follow up video here! Also, I may need to look into something, now that my IG account is a private one, I am not sure when I share something if you see it - even if I tag you? I shared something a couple weeks ago. You might not see my shares if my account is private...I may need to look into that. See ya soon!
Hi, I'm a vlogger from Algeria. Thank you very much for this lovely video.
Thank you, Julia. I needed to hear this today!
Good, needed instruction. Thank you!
thank you- we all need this!
I have made a mistake but a few times I was letting my very good friends personal business deal to others very private I think I was just being selfish and wanting them to think that I was somebody very special to him let me know that he was very upset and I disrespected him and I needed to figure Ouch how important he is and what I’ve done listening to you really help me and I am going to apologize for disrespecting and I need to work on this and remember to think of others feelings and not just my feelings so thank you very much
Si good! Thank you for this video!
Loved the video, had to share it on FB, thank you Julia Kristina😊
One, there was no apology. Two, I’m still being spied on.
I do understand where your coming from. I personally think that there are too many I ams in there . I personally prefer to aim more in You have been wronged by me ect
Thank you! I love your videos.
You’re the best thank you for your hard work!
Very good thanks.
thankyou so much it really helped me..!!
@juliakristinacounseling how do you get out of the passing the buck? I feel like I have to defend myself too. I need acknowledgement too of the way someone has harmed me. Sadly I don’t think I will ever get that acknowledgment which is why I hesitate to be the first to apologize.
This is a good one Julia. Will share on Facebook.
I'm going to send this to everyone that owes me an apology.
Thank you so much @juliakristinamah I have had a tough time with this with my wife. I messed up big time with her and I have not been able to convince her that I am truly sorry for the things I have done. I have subscribed and liked the video and I am going to continue to watch your videos as a form of therapy for myself. Thank You again
you remind me of miss honey, the teacher in the movie matilda
Knowing how to genuinely apologize has nothing to do with intellect. It's a knowledge that created from empathy.
Hey, Julia, have you ever considered having a patreon (funds) for your channel. You have helped me so much that I would like to give money to you.
It's probably because my traditions taught me on how to always be humble with other people - I never have any problems owning my mistakes and apologizing
The main problems (better now, but still has some left) I have is communicating..........
If the content people follow on UA-cam was part of the criteria in choosing partners... people who indulge in your content would together form solid ,healthy relationships. 😭🙏🥺 I pray for a partner who's aware of such concepts and who finds equal importance in them.
My crush got angry cause he saw me talking to a guy. The guy came up and talked to me. My crush got so angry he stormed off. It bothered me that he was upset; I like him so much. So I waited till I saw him again. I went up to him and said “I’m sorry about the other day. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” Then he says how you hurt me feelings? Then I say the other day I was talking to the guy and I didn’t want. Then he cuts me off and says no no you didn’t hurt my feelings. Then he kept asking” You say hurt my feelings. How you hurt my feelings?” He kept repeating it getting angrier and angrier each time. I then got teary eyed cause I see he was getting upset. So I repeated to him I’m sorry and I left. It’s been almost 2 weeks and I haven’t seen him since. It’s like he disappeared. I meant my apology, but I don’t think he took it sincere.
My least favorite non-apology is, I’m sorry YOU got your feelings hurt. VS. “ownership”, I’m sorry I made you feel that way.
That was really super cool
Glad you found it super helpful
It ain't what you say, it's the way that you say it.
I apologized in the moment, but I was told that it wasn’t good enough. What do you do in that situation?
Hi. I was never taught how to apologize or the importance of apologising. Thank you for sharing the steps to apologize. Cheers Rob
You still haven't told me who I am or what I did. Well you're doing it to me now.
What if you want to give an explanation but don’t want it to come off as an excuse
Im sorry ! n my head humour is the very best medicine but sometimes it probably isnt! I hope your in less pain today than you were yesterday 😘😘😘
How do you deal with someone who never apologizes?
I did not manage the situation correct. Really sad about it and want to be understood. Please forgive me to my brother,:who always stood by me and I loved him intensely. I am extremely sorry for even a word that hurt you.let our hearts never follow such a path.lets not break our trust.Beg forgiveness. May Allah Almighty bless you and have mercy on us.Aameen.
Hello
I think maybe there are two sides that need take responsibility ... But I agree it makes my angry when I feel that person don't want to understand my point, but says Lon a cheap way: I m sorry I didn't wanted to make you angry,...
I have to apologize to my upstairs neighbors today. Thanks for this video.
Question: how can we apply this advice for apologies to ourselves when we try to apologize to ourselves?
My formula for an apology has three parts:
(a) recognition that your actions hurt the other person (er, yourself)
(b) saying you feel bad about having hurt the other person
(c) promising to not do it again [or, in case of uncertainty, promising to take some preventative step(s).]
Do those steps with respect to yourself. Acknowledge how you've hurt yourself, remind yourself that you don't like doing that, and commit to a different approach going forwards.
I came looking for how to get my relationship with my Mother back on track...again...it's a rocky track.... i could say I'm not going to do it again (taking her bait and giving it back) but its not going to be a reality! the woman pushes and pushes ...i try with everything not to bite back but this time i fell into her trap she did try extra hard, usually my tactics work. So have been enduring the silent treatment for a week now but if i don't make a move i might end up like my brother who has now had the silent treatment for 8 months! so someone wrote in the comments if you apologise without the changed behaviour is manipulation. Can't decide what the lesser of these two evils? go with prolonged silence or give the apology with good intention but acknowledging eh it's a work in progress or just acknowledge this is manipulation to lessen my pain! and get this disfunction back to the norm.
I don’t know if anyone is going to read this, but if anyone is I just wanted to see other peoples view on this. The following is a copy word for word of a comment left on one of my videos. This person apologizing is apologizing for what she said to someone else who commented on my video. I wanted to know what other people think reading the following because it definitely sparked my curiosity as to what is a good or bad apology. Would you consider this an apology? Here is what she wrote:
@Ken Allan Dronsfield and that’s great that you would be supportive and not make her uncomfortable for trying the gummies or for taking them. My comment was about u watching a video of that nature. Ur wife/ gf taking them and u being supportive is one thing. But u we’re watching the videos as if u were curious of the results the same way a girl or woman would be. Sorry but yes usually on videos of this nature we don’t tend too many men/ boys being interested in them. Maybe young guys that wear makeup will watch makeup tutorials and videos of that nature but they usually are the only ones. So yes I found it odd.
I don't an apology - I want a change in behaviour!
It's like the universe is like hey! Robby, you've been struggled to figure out how to apologize without always apologizing for everything and loosing your power and pride of who you are. ..... well then remember this girl you used to watch a bunch to help you? ... no... well then let me just place it in your email right where you can see it and right when you need it! .....Robby...! Robby....!? Huh? (Universe) Stop over thinking! And click the video...!😂😂😂
amazing stuff
Dear Julia Kristina, what should i do, if my girlfriend never apologizes after a conflict? It is so hard for me.
I broke a TV I've watched 1 other video about this and I failed
Should you include any explanation when you’re apologizing? I ain’t really screwed up with a friend. I felt so anxious and they told me to stop talking to them all the time and I told him I would stop. I didn’t listen. Said I was sorry and then kept repeating the same behaviour they told me they work on Therapy, I didn’t listen. I realize that I wasn’t better and I shouldn’t have tried to apologize to them. I want to say I’m sorry, but I did so many things wrong and some of the things that I think I think requires some sort of context. Should I tell them why I acted that way?
I tried this, and they said it was inauthentic. I meant it, too, but I guess I lost the person
Well let's not turn the tables again. I'm sorry.
Is saying sorry right away admitting your mistakes eventhough your not? Thnx
I'm back!!
"Sorry, not sorry!" This would be a bad example how to do it.
totally.
I had to show this video to someone who just had the very last 2 items that were making it difficult to even make the gesture. Tthey just werent even trying anymore to apologize for continuing to be verbally abusive when they got into any highanxiety situation (eg. being asked to takea picture with a camera and to try to get a better/shot/angle but becoming frustrsted and blaming the subject, yelling, etc). They just had a hardtime seeing this wasnt appropriate. Question is, how can you get someone to recognize that an apology would be appropriate. It may have todowith childhood issues whereit was accepted the father would yell at the mother and blame her when things didnt go right for him.
But what do you say if someone says "sorry doesn't change everything"