Most couple issues are permanent; here's what you CAN do

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  • Опубліковано 29 вер 2024

КОМЕНТАРІ • 139

  • @AnaPsychology
    @AnaPsychology  9 місяців тому +2

    I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course
    For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)

  • @gurlperson89
    @gurlperson89 Рік тому +1030

    Just noticed the switch from “partner” to FIANCÉ!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! ❤️

  • @Mari-gt4ix
    @Mari-gt4ix Рік тому +142

    I just got out of a 6 year relationship. I felt like I was putting in a lot of effort to understand my partners personality and actions but they would not do the same. They would often criticize me or make me feel like my actions were never reasonable. I did have to end it, even though I love them and it broke my heart. /: thank you for this video, I hope to become a better friend for the people around me

    • @deecee7042
      @deecee7042 Рік тому +3

      How did you do it? How did you decide to leave

    • @Mari-gt4ix
      @Mari-gt4ix Рік тому +4

      @DeeCee Honestly, I feel like it took a very long time for me to make that decision. It wasn't that every single time we were together it was bad, but the same issues were always looming. So after the series of several deep conversations in the last 4 months, this last conversation happened to be the one that ended it. If you're going thru something like this, I hope it works out (whatever that means to you) and that you are well

    • @Mari-gt4ix
      @Mari-gt4ix Рік тому +3

      @Herlock I think I understand hat you mean. I suppose it's hard not to sound so 'you vs. me'. But idk I won't say they didn't try! We just had different ideals. /:

    • @deecee7042
      @deecee7042 Рік тому

      @@Mari-gt4ix thank you! What issues were you seeing? Are you happy you ended things?

    • @Mari-gt4ix
      @Mari-gt4ix Рік тому +4

      @@deecee7042 One main issue is that my ex-partner would occasionally (like 2-4 times per year) get very intoxicated and do things that they would regret. Then when I would bring up my concerns about that, they would tell me that it didn't mean anything. it started to hurt me because in those moments of intoxication, they would curse at me, my parents/siblings, flirt/touch other people. and I could understand that they just had a lot of pent up emotions, but it became really difficult for me to stand by that.
      I am not happy that I ended things, but I am glad that we are both seeking help and taking space from eachother to improve our lives/self esteem.

  • @chrisp8259
    @chrisp8259 Рік тому +12

    This video is a lot of words to say, "recognize your partner will never change so leave them or learn to deal with it"

  • @jmclydin
    @jmclydin Рік тому +26

    Please don't change your format or channel look! It feels very intimate and comforting.... Keep it up! Very practical information.

  • @urippe
    @urippe Рік тому +46

    This is something I really wanted to hear. I'm not in a relationship and might not be in one for awhile. I would think back on my past and my ex's on things I wanted to improve. I wasn't a team player and had many problems. I understand that now. I thought about the person I am and was. Let me say that a person can really do everything wrong because they don't know anything apparently. But with all that unnecessary experience ig you could say it did help me look at the bigger picture. To understand how I affect others and how they affect me. Even though I should've known better. Now I know and won't make the same mistakes. Hopefully not ever. Though being human I do have my own problems I can't escape completely. I guess I'll handle that till I can't. Thinking back more than ever that time I spent on the dumbest things imaginable were spent wasted on me making every problem my entire world. Finding myself in the dumbest places mentally. No need to understand for the most part on why. just that that's not the person I want to be and not the way I wanted to handle things in my past. Even in the end of things I would want to do my best with whoever is in my life. That's the only way you're going to make anything out of it. Make your dream come true of having a nice healthy relationship people. Or make a situation better and not worse. Make a decision or something on what you're doing and what that means. Who that makes you. I hope you can all find something to help you along your way as I have. Sometimes you just don't know until it's time to move forward

    • @schokoladenjunge1
      @schokoladenjunge1 Рік тому +5

      that really resonated with me. thank you.
      I often feel completely dumbfounded for the same reasons. Its hard to express and different performing masks yield different results. But im starting to see that what the relationship uncovered is a million ways i still need to grow as a person, and i am trying to not feel immense shame about everything i did.

  • @andrer.6127
    @andrer.6127 Рік тому +6

    The negotiation book, "Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In" states a similar view to the last point you make where the author talks about disentangling the people from the problem. It is very rare that people are the problem in relationship and being able to recognize that can go a long way to solving problems.

  • @solokalnesaltam3015
    @solokalnesaltam3015 Рік тому +3

    Years since my last relationship and not looking but I really appreciate these videos for non-romantic relationships. Work, family, friends etc. (obviously modifying the advice as necessary)

  • @tiimteee
    @tiimteee Рік тому +42

    can you make a video on why people distance themselves from others, or do you have any videos that cover similar topics?

    • @tiimteee
      @tiimteee Рік тому +16

      distance like closing themselves off from people who care about them

    • @tacrewgirl
      @tacrewgirl Рік тому +4

      Yes, I'm interested in this too

    • @AntiManipulacion
      @AntiManipulacion Рік тому +4

      I have a question. How do you know that 69% of the problems cannot be solved and are more due to beliefs, incompatibility etc?...
      What scientific studies show that?

    • @bithon5242
      @bithon5242 Рік тому +2

      She does have a video on ghosting, if that’s something you’d be interested in

  • @Mico-Xiyeas
    @Mico-Xiyeas 8 місяців тому

    Definitely not helping my situation but ive come to these same solutions for all other problems, love to see that for others being spread!

  • @carnanya
    @carnanya Рік тому +15

    Oh how convenient, just after a messy breakup because of said issue :,)

  • @devotedtoextraordinary
    @devotedtoextraordinary Рік тому +1

    Ana you have single-handedly saved two of my relationships from two separate video on your channel. thank you 🙏🏻

  • @samelis6546
    @samelis6546 Рік тому +5

    I don't understand... So, what happens after that? Both of you get to a level of understanding and empathy but the problem is still there, addressed but not fixed. So, how is the relationship going to work? Say, her example is she doesn't want to live somewhere hot but he has to move there for his career or something. After they've talked about it, then what? I'm missing the whole point even though I watched the whole video...😭

  • @iankinzel
    @iankinzel 4 місяці тому

    ok, I realize I'm diminishing some people's issues, but I can't imagine a world where my biggest problem is "my partner and I want to eat different things on Friday." tbh that sounds like a nice place to be in.

  • @akari4657
    @akari4657 Рік тому

    my best friend and I have loved each other for years, he doesn't want a relationship right now but i do, we hangout and things are normal but we always get depressed around each other cause he's going to be moving to another state soon basically ruining our chances of ever getting closer but he still wants to talk and says he still loves me. its been a problem I cant get over for years and it just doesn't feel very good. I appreciate this video a lot, im sure it wont solve anything but it made me feel a little better

  • @shehtazruslan
    @shehtazruslan Рік тому +9

    thats when you know its time to change partners

  • @CakeItBy
    @CakeItBy Рік тому +5

    Can you make a video on when you know you should end a relationship based off of what you talked about in this video? Or does the person who came up with this have info?

  • @heylana719
    @heylana719 Рік тому

    Off topic... Your desk set-up is so no feng shui 😅

  • @darthmolester
    @darthmolester Рік тому

    you are so cute

  • @oneegiiie1490
    @oneegiiie1490 Рік тому

    Do u have an instagram account?

  • @jrr4475
    @jrr4475 Рік тому +171

    Sure, but when you say to your partner "what can we do to fix this?" and they refuse to even take the time to talk to you about it, I think that's the end of the relationship, right?

    • @apala09
      @apala09 Рік тому +30

      Yes

    • @FFAs
      @FFAs Рік тому +34

      Everyone's circumstances differ. Depends on the problem. As mentioned, a lot of problems can't be 'fixed', but they can be cared for, navigated around, and addressed separately from the relationship itself.

    • @MalihaMahjabin
      @MalihaMahjabin Рік тому +11

      I will also never understand why emotional cheating and borderline sexual cheating are excused and worked through.

    • @WeShareTheSameAffliction
      @WeShareTheSameAffliction Рік тому +5

      You don't need her to tell you the answer to that.

    • @b4singularity
      @b4singularity Рік тому

      Right

  • @cheyboo6699
    @cheyboo6699 Рік тому +91

    The solutions I would propose:
    1. Each person write out how they feel about the issue, so that there is no opportunity for either of them to get cut off or discouraged from speaking their truth. Come back at a later time and share their true feelings. Having a mediator present may help level the interaction.
    2. Spend a healthy time apart from each other. Not in the form of a relationship break, but create and maintain individual lives, so that neither feel they are losing themselves, and also to create more fondness when together.

    • @SKBottom
      @SKBottom 8 місяців тому +1

      Dr Orion Taraban of PsychHacks has a video on your second suggestion.
      It's called gifting them with your absence.
      That said, I really like both of your solutions. The next time she and I have a difference of opinion, I'm going to propose we try #1. We are already pretty good at the second one.

  • @aakashailajan
    @aakashailajan Рік тому +327

    "When you ask the universe to go to the next level, don't be surprised when every person preventing progress is removed from your life." 🙏🏼

    • @JenksAnro
      @JenksAnro Рік тому +31

      I mean, people can justify anything so long as there's a quote to go along with it.

    • @letsfindsomepeace9207
      @letsfindsomepeace9207 Рік тому +18

      @@JenksAnro people also love leaving quotes in the comments like they really did something

    • @raheemcamal998
      @raheemcamal998 Рік тому +1

      @@letsfindsomepeace9207 👏👏

    • @vivvy_0
      @vivvy_0 Рік тому +2

      @@letsfindsomepeace9207 people also do responses until it becomes a meme

    • @ssing7113
      @ssing7113 Рік тому +1

      Actually quite the opposite. It’s called there is no growth through challenge. Pain. Discipline. Dedication.
      How does one learn a lesson but to go through it and EXPERIENCE it. Learn from it and grow and not repeat it😂😂😂

  • @shes.an.angler
    @shes.an.angler Рік тому +52

    My partner and I had a major conflict yesterday, and after we talked it out, my first reaction was to go to this channel. This video was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. His job is more demanding than mine, and I was lumping him/his personality in with the problem, as opposed to communicating and coordinating efforts to tackle it as a team. Thank you for sharing this. I can't wait to apply these techniques you mentioned.

  • @notreal3844
    @notreal3844 Рік тому +270

    Can you talk more about one person being attracted to other people? And what is a 'healthy' amount to share when it comes to that stuff?
    I struggle with figuring out what I want to know and what I don't want to know. If they thought a romantic/sexual thought about someone, if they were attracted to someone they often see, if they think about them a lot... For now I decided I want to know if they did an action (made a decision) that could hurt me (tell me in advance if they want to text or meet up with someone they're attracted to and that has been a problem in our relationship), but I don't want to know if it was something they couldn't control (a thought) and didn't react because they are committed to me.
    But it still feels off that they could be thinking about someone else a lot, maybe even contemplating leaving me for them, and me not knowing about it.

    • @nonono777
      @nonono777 Рік тому +14

      That would be interesting

    • @ryansisters1
      @ryansisters1 Рік тому +9

      I would love to hear about this too!

    • @CB-jm2fx
      @CB-jm2fx Рік тому +3

      Wow

    • @thefaithalflaw
      @thefaithalflaw Рік тому +24

      Dr K (Healthy Gamers GG) has a exccelent video about open relatonships that quote some of this questions, If you would like to know this opinion from somente in Healthy field, he is a psychiatrist

    • @ryansisters1
      @ryansisters1 Рік тому +2

      @@thefaithalflaw Thank you! What is the video called?

  • @celinepope
    @celinepope Рік тому +35

    Love these types pf videos. My partner and I have a stronger relationship bc of these.

  • @cmapez
    @cmapez Рік тому +17

    I really like this video. But I guess I dont understand why you can't change something like patience? I feel like that is a learned virtue. In my mind you shouldn't just let yourself be impatient when you can work to learn patience.

    • @cmapez
      @cmapez Рік тому +2

      I still think people should be understanding of others learning to overcome their issues, but patience seems like a solvable issue for one party.

    • @chukah9484
      @chukah9484 Рік тому +3

      I think the premise is that all problems or people may not change is the expectation we should have. Often we don't know the degree the problem has been conditioned through our childhood or life experience so that their are significant emotional/psychological responses to the problem making them more difficult than it may appear.

    • @cmapez
      @cmapez Рік тому +1

      @@chukah9484 thank you for the insight. I appreciate the perspective. I think I was watching this video with a more narrow view.

  • @jagritisarkar
    @jagritisarkar Рік тому +10

    Hey can you please do a video about how to have a healthy relationship if you have bpd/your partner has bpd?

  • @rachxxpie2
    @rachxxpie2 Рік тому +9

    do you have any gottman books/articles you recommend?

  • @Hannahdealer8180
    @Hannahdealer8180 Рік тому +11

    This idea is so sweet and I have experienced the opposite both in myself and others. I now have a healthy partner who ENCOURAGES me to have personal boundaries (whilst keeping her own) and views issues in my life as separate to me. She doesn't think that I don't feel like seeing her if I reschedule a meeting, for example. And I do explain myself to reassure her, but she doesn't demand explanation and I don't feel the need to give one every time. I have a healthier independence.

  • @somefishhere
    @somefishhere Рік тому +22

    Thank you for going over a light-hearted isosceles triangle approach would look like in practice. I would love to see how to respond to a bit of resistance since I am exposed to this paradigm of conflict resolution, but my partner might not be. Specifically, if they still think you aren’t seeing it from an isosceles team effort, but rather blaming them, how to have a conversation about that trust-building.

  • @jbc365gym
    @jbc365gym Рік тому +10

    nicely put; all comes down to acceptance of reality

  • @MoreThanMan1
    @MoreThanMan1 Рік тому +27

    Love the channel Ana. Thanks for recording a video after dark for us! 💓

  • @danielesemezie4436
    @danielesemezie4436 Рік тому +10

    dude make an audio version please, its so much easier to listen while going on a walk or something you give good advice..

  • @Vev02.
    @Vev02. Рік тому +3

    Not me seeing this the day after getting dumped 😂😂😂

  • @patrickrad1735
    @patrickrad1735 Рік тому +1

    🎅🎄🇰🇷🇨🇦💯🎭🎥😇🚙🚙💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

  • @patrickrad1735
    @patrickrad1735 Рік тому +1

    🇻🇳🎭🎥🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈💯

  • @SailorLunaUnicorn
    @SailorLunaUnicorn Рік тому +6

    I think this often happens to me when my partner has a bad habit: I mostly try to excuse them and think that they're gonna lose the habit somewhere along the way, spoiler alert, it doesn't happen... This really helps put things in perspective...

  • @mju135
    @mju135 Рік тому +8

    Hard truths that can be hard to hear! But this is what everyone has to face if you want to go the distance in a long-term relationship.

  • @KimGhidorah
    @KimGhidorah Рік тому +1

    My perpetually single ass watching this: 👁️👄👁️

  • @ps5622
    @ps5622 Рік тому +2

    Hi Ana, what are your thoughts on free will? Have you ever thought of making a video on the subject?
    Cheers!

    • @Mett19
      @Mett19 Рік тому

      Just watched a silly movie, a man and a woman and a day in Cyprus. He talked about free will and she talked about the intangibles of life.

  • @MP-nj1qy
    @MP-nj1qy 28 днів тому

    This is sound advice. On the other hand, a lot of it is about luck. Some are lucky to meet their soulmates, some will never will. ☹️

  • @Ulsaf
    @Ulsaf Рік тому +34

    Great timing on this vid for me. I feel like this is one of those things we all know but we deny it and avoid dealing with it. It's hard to deal with the guilt for not accepting a problem from someone you love. Hard to say no when you want to say yes.

  • @tinysun6139
    @tinysun6139 Рік тому +2

    i was in an abusive relationship and they would always take these videos and use them against me

  • @ronellmostert8632
    @ronellmostert8632 Рік тому +6

    Can you make more videos on repeating the same fight please please. This is very helpful. I feel it can be a series.

    • @m2pozad
      @m2pozad Рік тому +2

      No thank you. Just watch this one again.

  • @sarahshanahan2222
    @sarahshanahan2222 Рік тому +1

    One person earns all the money and pays all the bills.. an does the majority of grocery shopping and cooking.....
    the other has hobbies they love and are able to make a little money here and there to cover their own personal expenses. Helps out a little with chores
    Big problem or little problem ?

  • @IJTFILMSI
    @IJTFILMSI Рік тому +3

    Thanks for all the work you do Ana, I recently discovered your channel and can say your videos are supremely helpful.

  • @m2pozad
    @m2pozad Рік тому +8

    Sometimes problems are not about actual external issues as much as they are about the boundaries people have erected. Rigid boundary dispositions see problems where they feel their autonomy is threatened.

  • @vivvy_0
    @vivvy_0 Рік тому +1

    Same issues with family/friends version?

  • @johnnydang8138
    @johnnydang8138 Рік тому +1

    im going to watch all ur relationship videos before getting into one

  • @enver2977
    @enver2977 Рік тому +1

    Ana can you please make a video about cases where severe inferiority and superiority complex are intermingled, but especially the inferiority part that also causes social anxiety, makes the person freeze in social settings or think whatever they'll say is unworthy of attention etc.

  • @marcoinvesting5339
    @marcoinvesting5339 Рік тому +1

    What if my reoccurring problem is my girlfriend not speaking to me when she's angry, and I suffer because I don't understand what's going on? Are we doomed as a couple?

    • @missiejin
      @missiejin Рік тому +3

      She just wants you to keep talking to her

    • @n.m6249
      @n.m6249 Рік тому +1

      She's wants you to reach out and there's something that she wants you to acknowledge that is hurting her.

  • @shanellecallaghan1650
    @shanellecallaghan1650 Рік тому +1

    Congrats on the engagement

  • @SmileWorld441
    @SmileWorld441 Рік тому +2

    than you greatly Anaaaa

  • @RicardoT-mx1tp
    @RicardoT-mx1tp Рік тому +1

    honestly your the most beautiful inside and out! U honestly give me so much hope that there is someone out there for me

    • @n.m6249
      @n.m6249 Рік тому

      She's so cute and calm. She looks 15 but has a PhD

  • @VvRaMiRFvV
    @VvRaMiRFvV Рік тому

    What’s your Instagram, curious about you life with psychological mindset lol

  • @ktefccre
    @ktefccre 8 місяців тому

    🐱👍

  • @sylvietokyo1229
    @sylvietokyo1229 Рік тому

    WHERE DOES OR WHAT TO DO WITH THE COFFEE/TEA SPOON!!! Biggest argument that I’m sure most couples have had! How did you resolve it?

  • @aririna.
    @aririna. Рік тому

    Hi could you make a video about Leonardo DiCaprios problematic patter of dating younger girls?:) would be interesting to hear your opinion

  • @southsight7610
    @southsight7610 Рік тому

    You have a beautiful face doc,
    That is the first i noticed when youtube recommend your videos to me.

  • @normalouis8593
    @normalouis8593 10 місяців тому

    Im glad that you gave examples of problems that can be tolerated.

  • @andrewjacob1789
    @andrewjacob1789 Рік тому

    I hate to say this but I think atleast one of the solutions is to just cope with them and work on yourself to improve the problem and the other is to get a new relationship maybe? (Idk ik it seems a bit harsh😬😅)

  • @destamax3989
    @destamax3989 Рік тому

    I just noticed my "only"solution is be you, my half soul.

  • @jessicabethany2428
    @jessicabethany2428 Рік тому

    Thank you so much for making these videos, they are really helpful :)

  • @htesfaye9521
    @htesfaye9521 Рік тому

    Hi ana, i wanted to ask if you could talk about how to cope when your friend goes back to a toxic ex over and over again. i know it sounds a bit self centered but it's so exhausting investing emotionally into your friend, and her going back even after things happened to her that are considered emotionally abusive. this has been happening for months on end and i feel drained, unable to feel like a 'friend' even though i want to. i've been searching for it but have found only parodies and memes. please help😖

  • @lightartis228
    @lightartis228 Рік тому

    when it comes to actually starting doing things on practical level in real life the big information or detail amount is yours worst enemy,cuzz it causes something i call ``overload``...you want to keep things as short and basic as possible if you want take real life actions and the chain reaction that gradually escalates to big changes will naturally fallows if you remain consistant...
    so to the video question :what is most effective thing couples can do to gradually reduce issues in their relationships? have smex on regular basis and let chain reaction naturaly fix or at least reduce wast majority of problems couples face...yes it is that simple...show me a couple that bearly ever touches each other and ill show you two people who are extremly passive agressive and bitter towards each other lmao...big problems gets solved with simple solutions simply cuzz you actually can make yourself to do simple things...we humans are much more simple then we would like to admit it,is what i am saying lol.

  • @TolaTolaTola
    @TolaTolaTola Рік тому

    OMG, Ana! I haven't seen your videos in a while and I can see how much better quality the are as opposed to say a year ago. I'm so proud! (not that video quality is so important, more that I can see progress)

  • @ignacio3714
    @ignacio3714 Рік тому

    whats your instagram? I need to see ur stuff there

  • @jellyrcw12
    @jellyrcw12 Рік тому

    Love your channel and congrats on your engagement!

  • @Johnthesecond
    @Johnthesecond Рік тому

    I think you know your relationship will not last.

  • @dalydegagne1839
    @dalydegagne1839 Рік тому

    I am glad you are drawing on Gottman's work.

  • @LiquidGhaash
    @LiquidGhaash Рік тому

    randomly paused at 6:16 and was not disappointed

  • @MazFeffer
    @MazFeffer Рік тому +1

    I have found, in my personal experience, the more you voice problems in a relationship the more things turn into walnut tree trees.

    • @missiejin
      @missiejin Рік тому +2

      What does this mean?

    • @MazFeffer
      @MazFeffer Рік тому

      @@missiejin I just wish to stare that words seldom travel as intended their force intended equal but it surely become opposite when it is not faced by a mirror to correct it. A mirror of sound say an echo. I hope that stills the ripples in the pond, I do not wish to disturb the fish.

    • @Podzhagitel
      @Podzhagitel 10 місяців тому +1

      what

  • @emmahoy11
    @emmahoy11 Рік тому

    Your channel is so dope

  • @aquavit
    @aquavit Рік тому +1

    nice.

  • @whatwaq
    @whatwaq Рік тому

    i wanna donate, do you have a patreon?

  • @The_Cowwwthem
    @The_Cowwwthem Рік тому

    Congratulations congratulations!!

  • @nicolegoose567
    @nicolegoose567 Рік тому

    Thank you 🙏 ❤ needed this

  • @ninjaxstickman9721
    @ninjaxstickman9721 10 місяців тому

    Good advice!

  • @yosoyroman875
    @yosoyroman875 Рік тому

    Great ideas here

  • @MaidenChaos
    @MaidenChaos Рік тому

    Thank you for your content ✨️ 😌

  • @CaptainCW
    @CaptainCW Рік тому

    The obstacle becomes the way

  • @lindahebb4832
    @lindahebb4832 Рік тому

    🤗

  • @juliastubbs2753
    @juliastubbs2753 Рік тому +1

    Ana, you are so wise, and I appreciate your videos so much! Keep doing what you're doing.

  • @SantoSatanas6
    @SantoSatanas6 Рік тому

    :)

  • @moonlightfitz
    @moonlightfitz Рік тому

    🧐

  • @leoswift6938
    @leoswift6938 Рік тому +2

    I recently found your channel and just wanted to thank you for making these videos- I’ve learned so much from them!

  • @echillykahlil
    @echillykahlil Рік тому

    Just. Walk. Away.

  • @Lerian_V
    @Lerian_V Рік тому

    How accurate is this or is it largely outdated (link below)

  • @rosie_._youtube
    @rosie_._youtube Рік тому +2

    in professional settings too 🫣🤦🏽‍♀️