Listen To Your Inner Child | Hayley Ep 6
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- Опубліковано 14 лис 2022
- The foundations of how we relate to ourselves and those around us are almost entirely established in childhood. In this week's session, Hayley and I begin to explore how she was related to as a child, and what effect this has had on her life. Ultimately, to heal the traumas of the past, we need to listen that younger us, and give them the boundaries, safety and love that they needed.
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A 5 year old child is allowed to be selfish, they are a child. I actually made myself a stuffed doll to represent my inner child, and I hold it and talk to it regularly (even though my sewing is terrible and she is a bit wonky looking). Sending love and respect to you Hayley, all the way from Australia.
Hi Janet . thank you for your thoughts and what a lovely idea about your doll ! Thats such a great idea . I wrote a big long reply , but youtube seems to have deleted it straight away . It did one below as well. apologies. i will cut this short as it might do it again . Thank you . Sending love and respect to you 😊❤
brilliant.
@@danan7693 ❤❤
❤this is a wholesome idea. Beautiful. Thankyou.
❤this is a wholesome idea. Beautiful. Thankyou.
Thank you so much Hayley and Alex. These sessions are really helpful as my husband is in similar dynamics with his mother. He too has been brought up to believe that her needs are more important than his. Being a mother myself and knowing the feelings I have for my own son I have really struggled as a bystander to all this and at times it has really affected our marriage. These episodes are helping both him and me have more awareness around the situation and he’s finally learning about boundaries and finding his own voice without shame or guilt. It’s a long process though but I am confident that like you are starting to do he will also get there. Thank you again we are so grateful. 🙏
Thank you Deb . sending love and strength . xx Thank you ❤
Im so pleased your husband married a healthy adult
i am learning so much from you and your sessions. you are a brave funny strong intelligent woman i feel you can love your mum but not her behavior i wish you the very best you deserve it
what a lovely , lovely thing to say and i thank you so much ❤. So encouraging and thank you so much for helping me ❤. 😊
The individuals willing to go on camera are courageous! I could never do it and even use a screen name to comment so nobody knows I have issues lol. I admire people who are free to be themselves and help others by putting themself out their authentically.
thank you Andrea ❤. Sending you love x x
Hi Hayley, how brave that you walked away! Well done. I had a complicated relationship with my mom. I was only save, when she was ok. I had to make that happen from a young age on. She had untreated depression and when she was sad or self medicating with alcohol I found ways to make her happy. Always felt responsible for the way she felt. I cared for her and my dad and she wanted it HER way. It burned me out, because I couldn't walk away. She died of cancer and of course I was shattered and sad. But for some reason I was also relieved...and at the same time it was hard, because my role I played in our relationship was gone. I love my mom still, but I can see the little girl suffering and not being ok. Yes, a stress response!!! I am sitting here with you and I can feel your sadness.
so sorry for late reply Sony. Absolutely resonate with so much of what you are saying here . I really feel it . I am so sorry that you have been through all that . My heart is hurting for you . Sending you the best of just everything that i can. I just wish you peace and happiness and healing and love . aww. ❤❤❤
Resonate w Hayley. My mother was the same,, even on her death bed she couldn't say she loved me. I grew up with no identity plus I found out more after she died. I NEVER saw it. I knew I never felt right and used to dissociate so much I couldn't really work n therapy. Could never say NO to her or anyone else, I took on responsibility for her emotional needs and manipulations forsaking my own. I am now in my 50s and need to learn to reparent. I also had physical and sexual abuse that didn't show the light of day till 2 years ago. She told me everything was "my personality". I had no life, no family, no career etc now feel totally lost after all this new feeling and knowing is sinking in. Good luck Hayley you are strong and boundaries don't mean you don't love someone, I regret I could never have a relationship with my mother, underneath the inflated ego she must have been a very scared , insecure and guilt-ridden woman
Aww bless you Ruth . sending you lots of love ❤❤
Thanks both. Really useful insights into working with the inner child. Hayley - you’ve got this, you’re putting in boundaries already that’s huge. It’s so inspiring to see xx
thank you Rachel ….its interesting watching this episode back . Its surprising how much i have forgotten, when it was happening at that time , and so useful to be able to see it back a few weeks later . Its priceless . thank you x x ❤
Thank you Hayley for exposing yourself publicly, you are a champion! I see myself in you and your story helping me :) Sending you lots of love from Australia!
thank you Kristina . Thank you for taking the time to write . Thank you for helping me , with your lovely words . Sending love ❤❤
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"Willingness to have the experience" --I have found that rather than worrying about something like a panic attack (or pain or anxiety or a craving in a addictino) have willingness to have the experience (instead of wishing it would go away) and it goes so much better than resistance. Suffering = experience x resistance.
thanks Eveline i agree. i think resistance to something or trying to push it away , just creates more tension doesn't it . Its a weird paradox . Takes some practice though for me . Thanks 😊
It’s a bit of an eye opener to realise that the behaviour from those around us by the way we respond to them . I never saw it that way .
yeah i know what you mean ! i think its an Alex quote - ‘we teach people how to treat us ! “ ❤ x
I fucking love Hayley and this whole dynamic.
thank you ❤. Absolutely really love this comment . Thank you for making me smile ❤🙂 x x Thank you ! xx
Thanks Hayley and Alex! I am 65 and I give also my whole life to my mother. Now I am on my journey to find out who is the real Anja and that is not easy. It is so good to follow you ... I learned so much and I feel ... I am not alone with underpressed anger and with a child in me that is so, so fearfull.
aww thank you for taking the time to write Anja. I am sorry to read of the fear . Its hard isnt it . We are not alone ❤ and I am wishing you well for your journey and sending love x
Thank you Hayley. You are so brave. Thank you for sharing your story. I am learning so much xxxx
thank you Jill . Really kind of you to say . thank you x x x
Alex, your questions are so right on point. I wish I had a therapist like you...
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Thank you Hayley and Alex for another brillant episode. Hayley I can understand how you feel as I like you have a simular situation. I feel guilty if I choose to take time out for me and sometimes don't bother look after my needs and what I want just to keep the peace which I know is the wrong thing to do and doesn't really work. I have however only recently started to work with my inner child but it will take a lot time and effort to be consistent with the work for to achieve peace of mind. Hayley we can do this to help with the anxiety and panic attacks. Hope you have a good week best wishes ❤️
thank you Bridget . ❤ . I’m not having much luck with my comments today on youtube . every time i write something it disappears . sorry . Sending you love and best wished too and strength . thank you . Take care xxx
Sorry if i am out of line saying this 🤦♀😊 , but my favourite bit was the rat 🐀. And he was definately there 😂❤
Still my favourite bit too, Hayley 😂And don’t worry, I promise I believe you! 🐀
@@oliverh8446 🐀❤😊
Love this - through your healing process Hayley, you are giving us all so much JOY and HOPE😄❤
@@colleenbarham6567 thank you Colleen . ❤ . What a lovely thing to say . I do thank you for it . ❤❤
@@hayley1473 Hayley, you are an amazing and wonderful inspiration. All the best for your future happiness❤❤
Hi Hayley, I just wanted to let you know that you are doing great and you're setting an example for so many people. Keep doing what you're doing, sending you strength, not that you need it. Also regarding what you said about being scared of how you'll cope on your own after the sessions end, also wanted to let you know you're not alone. I have been going to ACA for a year now and I find it so so helpful. Starting a loving parent study group too with some ACA members it really helps me, might be worth checking out :) good luck with everything xx
Hi Krisztina . Thank you so much for your encouragement. I wrote a big long answer and it all disappeared from the comments . I am sorry . its keeps happening , not sure why . sorry . thank you anyway . i will keep this short in case it does it again . thanks xx
@@hayley1473 oh no that's so annoying when it happens. I started copying long texts before pressing 'send' or 'ok' now because I hate rewriting things! If you want you can send it as a message on instagram. Hugs xx
@@Krissy1111111 its a funny one isnt it . i keep trying to work out why some disappear . its always the longer ones . But i just cant work it out 🤦♀🤣 . Thank you 😊 xx
Yeah it might be because it's long, I think it also happened to me once on UA-cam. Try copying before you send and then you can paste and play with sending it in two parts if it happens again. Sending you really warm and positive energies and hugs 🙏🤗 xx
@@Krissy1111111 thank you 😊 xxx
Thank you, Alex and Hayley, for another valuable session. My hat goes off to you Hayley. It's not easy caring for an elderly parent especially when we have a challenging relationship with them let alone when we're also suffering with fatigue and our own health issues. I hope you've managed/are managing to take some time out for yourself you deserve it! Sending you hugs and love. ❤
thank you An Ta . Lovely of you to take the time to comment again and i appreciate your thoughts ! Thank you so much . Keep well and sending love to you ❤❤
@@hayley1473 You are such a lovely person, Hayley, and you have great strength. In this video I could relate to what you said about struggling to separate yourself from your mother and seeing yourself as a separate person. I struggled with this for years. I think when we end up as the caretakers in our family from a young age (when we become responsible for the welfare of everyone else except ourselves) boundaries get fused and we can experience a loss of personal identity. Enmeshment is something I've really had to work hard on.
@@anta3612 thank you An Ta ❤ . Your post is really helpful again . I wrote a big long reply and it disappeared . It did above on a reply as well . I think youtube just deleted it almost immediately. But there were no swear words in it or anything . Wonder if its because i exceeded a word limit ? This post may disappear too . Thank you . Thank you for helping me 😊 xx
@@hayley1473 No problem, Hayley. I believe one of the things that helped me become unenmeshed was getting some distance from my family of origin. So, I can imagine how tough it must be for you. In my case, I still found it very difficult even though I was physically distant and was setting emotional boundaries with them. Then again, I'd had a lifetime of being enmeshed so the process of differentiating myself wasn't something that happened overnight. I had to consistently work at it. Progress was slow and at times it seemed like I was just spinning my wheels, but I stuck with the process and eventually broke free. I believe you can do it. It'll just take time and it seems like you are getting some excellent support from Alex and his team. Sending you much encouragement and love. ❤
@@anta3612 aww thank you . I appreciate your comment thanks . I wish i could run to the other side of the world An Ta but i am her main carer really and i do need to take her to medical appointments . Its so hard to put that emotional distance in when physically i have to be there on some occasions . I have some tools and a change in my belief now that for the first time ever , i see there is nothing actually wrong with me and its her stuff . I used to think it was me before . I just need to keep working on being kind and gentle , but holding those boundaries and not being a punch bag . I’m working on it and messing it up sometimes 😂. Work in progress . Thank you An Ta . I appreciate your help and send love xx Thank you for your help x x
Thanks both. 🌺🙏🌺
thank you Noreen ❤ x
Big thanks to both of you for contributing with this videos to a healing of other people 🙏🧡 sending you lots of love and gratitude. Hayley you are doing a great job, you are going to find your true self and enjoy life fully because of the work that you are doing🧡
thank you ❤❤❤
I don't see a reality where this person is going to stand up for herself. She doesn't even want to call it abuse. But can you blame her? She doesn't seem to have a "self" to fall back onto. Separating from her mother would be an amputation that she may not survive. Let alone beginning to comprehend what has been done to her 😓
Hi . Thanks for your comments . :-) Really interesting to read and i do thank you for taking the time and trouble to write . It’s so fascinating and interesting to read other peoples thoughts on how we come across and I thank you for that . Just to update you a little - it’s kind of 7 months on from when this was filmed , and I am doing ok . I have popped those boundaries up that Alex encouraged me to , and as soon as i hear any negativity or such like directed at me , I remind people ( my mum in particular) that I am in fact pretty ok as a person and not there to be spoken to how she was . I also point out when she is edging on my set boundary , and it’s been a tough learning experience for both her and myself , but our relationship is absolutely dramatically different . Not perfect , but completely unrecognisable to what it was. On top of the boundaries i have set , there has been a noticeable change within me on how i perceive myself . I used to think there was something fundamentally wrong with me as a person . Now i see there actually isnt and i’m ok , and its that increase in self worth that has helped me hold my own and ask people to treat me better :-) . I think hurt people hurt people and without breaking confidentialities into my mums past , she is making great progress too and learning to heal some of the things that she should never of been through , as such its changed her mindset and she is inspirational in how she has taken on board her counselling . Hope that updates a bit and gives encouragement and hope to anyone going through similar . Never say never ❤:-) . Take care x
@@hayley1473 we are all doing ok ultimately, aren't we? We're breathing, We're eating, we have shelter, what else would a living creature need? I'm glad that your mum has become an source of inspiration for you. If hurt people hurt people, who has you been hurting?
@@almam.6880 Aww ..i guess i am so lucky to have been helped by Alex ( and Oliver & Jeremiah ) . That privilege has not been lost on me and i am in a place now from their help , where I can see a future , and i know its not always going to be easy - but they helped me see I am stronger than I realised. I feel like I have more purpose now and more hope and resources . I guess i was just answering the part of your question where you ask what more could we need ,and i think that purpose and hope was needed for me and i have found some of that now . But also more self awareness and understanding of others . They also helped me find the courage to travel abroad more and that has bought me inspiration and joy . Sorry - i have gone off at a tangent - overtired lol . The bit where you ask who have i hurt - sadly my long standing husband bore the brunt of my lashing out - and took many years of that . But thankfully and hopefully now things are starting to heal . Sorry if i have answered inappropriately- or gone off at a tangent . I pray that what ever you need you will find and i send you love . I guess we all just muddle through together , and get strength off each other . I do send you love ❤
just an apology sorry . i do try to answer all the comments but sometimes my answers disappear . Not sure why . We just think its a machine in youtube removing them ? I am sorry , and i do thank you for your words of encouragement. thank you xx
That happened to me too. What you can do is copy what you wrote before you hit 'send'. This way, if it gets deleted then you can paste it again and just change the length (either by editing out certain parts or by dividing it into two separate comments)
@@Daniel-pr4uk thanks Daniel . will do . 😊👍
I stopped seeing a good friend over this sort of thing. Her little daughter would go to school and cry because she was afraid her untreated bi-polar mother might kill herself while she was at school. The school would call and the mother would be pleased to know her daughter "loved her so much." I told her this was not okay, but she refused to get help. She wanted to use me as her free therapist instead and also remain "proud" of her little daughter for crying at school. I cut her off.
aww thats so heartbreaking to read 😞 . Thats so sad isnt it 😞 x
How can we meet the need for love by ourselves? Bounderies and sense of safety seem to be inter-related.
You said you wanted a panic attack so you can try Alex's strategy. This comes across to me a people pleasing.
The trauma you experienced at a young age was huge. I was looking recently at a video on Betrayal Blindness. I think it arises in situations like yours. Its fortunate you did not marry an abusive man as you would have fallen into accepting it in my view.
Hi 🙂 . No i wasn't people pleasing here to be honest , anything that looking like that was just a coincidence . I overcame panic attacks quite a while ago in my mid 30’s and the way i overcame it was by trying to deliberately bring them on and wanting them so i could challenge myself - so its a strategy i have used for many years before meeting Alex . So on this particular occasion i wasn't particularly people pleasing - i can see how that could be seen differently though 🙂 . I was just employing a tried and tested method i have used many times over the years . I found if i wanted a panic attack and tried to bring them on i couldnt . Which i used to my advantage and helped me overcome them x
Creative play is the best tool for inner child’s rebound, but ... Verbal only therapy modalities that fail to use Music/arts Instinct integration through Expressive Arts is the result of widespread limited training that is in denial of felt sense residue of suffering, localized in unconscious mind. And music/arts metaphor is the key to the gateway into conceptual cognition in our unconscious mind, that facilitate REPATRERNING process that talk therapy does not merely aim to...
interesting thoughts thanks Rosalina 🙂