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The painful part is developing feelings for the FA, understanding their wounds and attachment style, having the patience to be there for them throughout the hot and cold, and they refuse to do the work even though it's obvious their soul wants this too.
You have to let people go to figure it out on their own journey. I'm a healing FA/SA and there's not a thing any man could have done for me. I had to figure it out on my own. I feel the same with other unhealed attachment styles that I date. I let them go and if they heal and come back then we can go from there.
The problem is that FAs have to deal with so much more than simple attachment and relational problems. The partner who wants or expects them to change for the sake of the relationship usually doesn't consider that without proper resources and support, or if done at the wrong time, an FA can get much worse instead of getting better, then the FA gets blamed for getting worse and left alone to deal with the consequences of opening that pandora's box. People should really stop expecting others to change for them. We all should change only for ourselves when we are ready.
PLEASE do a video on the FA who monkeybranches and rebounds and can't stand being alone. Especially after they end a LTR. How do they manage the new relationship?. Thanks !
Former FA here, we usually come around with time but unfortunately in a lot of cases something traumatic needs to happen for us to come to our senses and realise we are our worst enemy and that we need to change
Because we constantly doubt whether the problem lies with us or with the other person. And whether we should fix ourselves or look for a more compatible partner.
"The only constant of your failed relationships is you." We all have a pattern. The pattern I have is I enable bad behavior. Is the bad behavior my fault? No. But I also project the fact I have poor boundaries.
It was definitely the FA in my experience. I’d not experienced that chaos in any other relationship before or after, except a short nightmarish 5 months with a BPD/NPD. The FA reminded me very strongly of “BPD-lite”. I thought if I just stayed around being myself long enough, she’d calm down and return to how she was in the first few months. I was wrong, she got worse as time went on.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Someone with borderline personality disorder is extremely likely to be FA. The fear of abandonment is a hallmark of the disorder. I just spent almost two years with someone that presents as quiet borderline. And yeah that was really really rough. I'm glad you were able to see the signs after 5 months.
@@remydrh Thankyou, that’s super interesting indeed. My ex FA ticked 80% of the Covert Passive Aggressive narcissist criteria (see Debbie Mirzha). She was in therapy for years before I met her and during our relationship. I barely saw any improvement. If any, she just got better at hiding things.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Borderlines can have narcissistic defenses. Or you could be dealing with a vulnerable narcissist and they present similar problems. Successful treatment of borderline is possible but requires very intensive DBT modes of treatment. Narcissism can't be treated. Certain things may be alleviated from time to time but most studies will say that narcissism is lifelong without significant remission. I have found myself in this situation too often and you might want to take a look at a book called: Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On With Life
They confuse safety with boredom for sure. I was literally told by my FA I was boring. But as the relationship progressed, the FA created chaos on their own. Impulsive and emotional decisions, trying to get laid off or fired, spending lots of money on momentary interests, desperately staying busy, buying dog after dog, numbing in video games for hours and disassociating. Definitely addicted to dopamine rewards and adrenaline. But the process to supply those chemicals meant chaos and lots of it. I noticed the games, movies, and shows they liked were steessful (The Bear is a good example of a show, I needed a Xanax to watch it.) In trying to reign this in while facing multiple external crisis I fell into deep depression and anxiety. I couldn't keep up. It ended poorly. Look at your potential partners interests. Are they into needlepoint or skydiving? Are their relationships all 2 to 3 months long? Are they decribed as "intense" or do they hide details? All of these are red flags they thrive on disasters and chaos.
My experience was somewhat similar. They definitely create chaos constantly. And definitely blame us for them not feeling safe. Actually, they blame us for most of their problems. And so very often they just make stuff up. Literally make up stories. I call it “BPD-lite”. And trying to reason with them is impossible. Their feelings are facts which create weird stories they insist are true. If you disagree, you’re invalidating them. Yet agreeing with them is enabling falsehoods that demonise you irrationally and you’re then permanently the villain. Can’t win with FA’s unless you leave. 100% not for me. Honestly the next time I find myself googling my partners behaviour, I’m leaving.
@@itsalorikatpnw It's not the skydiving alone. It's everything taken together that shows whether or not someone is interested in novelty or if they're addicted to stress.
I am a FA female. I wouldn't have been here if a DA hadn't triggered my anxious side. Before that, I considered discussions on relationships and love are stupid. I had a stable person as partner, and that was extremely boring, and I ran from that relationship.
My FA ex chose the man she always talked terribly about when both her and her family said nothing but great things about me. Sadly, it was for his money and willingness to pay for everything for her family..
Or it may last a long time and be hell. Unfortunately the worst relationships may last too long because they rely on a trauma bond. As she mentions in this video if they find themselves in a chaotic situation it doesn't trigger their limbic system. It doesn't mean they're happy. They absolutely aren't happy. And they don't understand why they aren't happy because their limbic system that usually triggers the fact that you were in a bad situation isn't setting off any alarm bells. They are simply inured to it.
Haha when I left her, my ex went back to her ex before me. The one she was messaging behind my back, gaslighted me about and insisted 100% she was over and said being with him was a mistake. I laughed when I saw them together. It made perfect sense. She lied so much to me so often. My life improved dramatically the day I left. Now I’m with a normal partner, I feel like I was a complete sucker staying with the FA.
Hi Thais, I recently took your attachment quiz and the results show that I’m FA. I’ve thought this for a little while now anyway but I lean more to the anxious side, especially now while I’m In a relationship with a DA. I signed up to your personal development school and I’m wondering should I take the course for FA or AP since I lean anxious or do both? Cheers. Love your work!
Being FA leaning AP myself. I started with the Discover Embrace and Fulfill Your Personal Needs and then went to Emotional Mastery and Belief Reprogramming. This will find your triggers with core wounds. Take care of the FA before AP since FA can be more destructive in your life. Good luck.
love video, I just cant believe my husband left me after 18 years, he just left me.he doesnt even want to talk to me anymore. Ive tried everything possible to get him back, but nothing seems to work and I cant stop thinking about him Im frustrated I dont see my life with anyone else. Ive done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I cant I dont know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just cant stop thinking about him
I'm really sorry to hear that. I went through something similar not too long ago. My boyfriend and I broke up and I felt completely lost. I tried everything, but it just seemed hopeless. Well I ended up reaching out to this incredible spiritual adviser. He helped me in ways I never thought possible. After working with him my husband came back to me and now we are happier than ever really.?
Thank you so much! I just searched his name, and I found him, the reviews look amazing, and I m feeling hopeful now. I really believe I can get him back. I’m so happy to have found this.
Sis don’t do that. This so called “spiritual adviser” is clearly someone who practices dark magic and often times love spells have horrible side effects that’ll make you wish you never even tried it.
Get personalized courses, live webinars & Q&As, and more for free for 7 days!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/dream-life?ZDCdzO7sLQ&el=youtube
The painful part is developing feelings for the FA, understanding their wounds and attachment style, having the patience to be there for them throughout the hot and cold, and they refuse to do the work even though it's obvious their soul wants this too.
So true man.
You have to let people go to figure it out on their own journey. I'm a healing FA/SA and there's not a thing any man could have done for me. I had to figure it out on my own. I feel the same with other unhealed attachment styles that I date. I let them go and if they heal and come back then we can go from there.
The problem is that FAs have to deal with so much more than simple attachment and relational problems. The partner who wants or expects them to change for the sake of the relationship usually doesn't consider that without proper resources and support, or if done at the wrong time, an FA can get much worse instead of getting better, then the FA gets blamed for getting worse and left alone to deal with the consequences of opening that pandora's box.
People should really stop expecting others to change for them. We all should change only for ourselves when we are ready.
PLEASE do a video on the FA who monkeybranches and rebounds and can't stand being alone. Especially after they end a LTR. How do they manage the new relationship?. Thanks !
Former FA here, we usually come around with time but unfortunately in a lot of cases something traumatic needs to happen for us to come to our senses and realise we are our worst enemy and that we need to change
Because we constantly doubt whether the problem lies with us or with the other person. And whether we should fix ourselves or look for a more compatible partner.
"The only constant of your failed relationships is you." We all have a pattern. The pattern I have is I enable bad behavior. Is the bad behavior my fault? No. But I also project the fact I have poor boundaries.
It was definitely the FA in my experience.
I’d not experienced that chaos in any other relationship before or after, except a short nightmarish 5 months with a BPD/NPD.
The FA reminded me very strongly of “BPD-lite”.
I thought if I just stayed around being myself long enough, she’d calm down and return to how she was in the first few months. I was wrong, she got worse as time went on.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Someone with borderline personality disorder is extremely likely to be FA. The fear of abandonment is a hallmark of the disorder. I just spent almost two years with someone that presents as quiet borderline. And yeah that was really really rough. I'm glad you were able to see the signs after 5 months.
@@remydrh Thankyou, that’s super interesting indeed. My ex FA ticked 80% of the Covert Passive Aggressive narcissist criteria (see Debbie Mirzha).
She was in therapy for years before I met her and during our relationship. I barely saw any improvement. If any, she just got better at hiding things.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Borderlines can have narcissistic defenses. Or you could be dealing with a vulnerable narcissist and they present similar problems.
Successful treatment of borderline is possible but requires very intensive DBT modes of treatment. Narcissism can't be treated. Certain things may be alleviated from time to time but most studies will say that narcissism is lifelong without significant remission.
I have found myself in this situation too often and you might want to take a look at a book called: Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On With Life
You could not receive any more praise! Sayin that you have transformed my life is an understatement. You inspire my as well thank you ❤
They confuse safety with boredom for sure. I was literally told by my FA I was boring.
But as the relationship progressed, the FA created chaos on their own. Impulsive and emotional decisions, trying to get laid off or fired, spending lots of money on momentary interests, desperately staying busy, buying dog after dog, numbing in video games for hours and disassociating.
Definitely addicted to dopamine rewards and adrenaline. But the process to supply those chemicals meant chaos and lots of it. I noticed the games, movies, and shows they liked were steessful (The Bear is a good example of a show, I needed a Xanax to watch it.)
In trying to reign this in while facing multiple external crisis I fell into deep depression and anxiety. I couldn't keep up. It ended poorly.
Look at your potential partners interests. Are they into needlepoint or skydiving? Are their relationships all 2 to 3 months long? Are they decribed as "intense" or do they hide details? All of these are red flags they thrive on disasters and chaos.
My experience was somewhat similar. They definitely create chaos constantly. And definitely blame us for them not feeling safe.
Actually, they blame us for most of their problems. And so very often they just make stuff up. Literally make up stories.
I call it “BPD-lite”.
And trying to reason with them is impossible. Their feelings are facts which create weird stories they insist are true. If you disagree, you’re invalidating them. Yet agreeing with them is enabling falsehoods that demonise you irrationally and you’re then permanently the villain.
Can’t win with FA’s unless you leave.
100% not for me.
Honestly the next time I find myself googling my partners behaviour, I’m leaving.
Ain’t nothing wrong with skydiving dude… come on 🙄
@@itsalorikatpnw It's not the skydiving alone. It's everything taken together that shows whether or not someone is interested in novelty or if they're addicted to stress.
@@remydrh thank you for saying that, I really needed that clarity.
👏 I commend both of you to finding mutual agreement in a civil manner online. Highly underrated skill.
Would love to see a video on when the avoidant is the one that gets broken up with
Very good one, Thais. Please go deeper in psychological studies on why it is like that - and how the hell to stop it!
I am a FA female. I wouldn't have been here if a DA hadn't triggered my anxious side. Before that, I considered discussions on relationships and love are stupid. I had a stable person as partner, and that was extremely boring, and I ran from that relationship.
How do you have so much info to share? lol Great videos, but wow. I always wonder.
She’s a powerhouse.
My FA ex chose the man she always talked terribly about when both her and her family said nothing but great things about me. Sadly, it was for his money and willingness to pay for everything for her family..
It will be short lived…
Won’t last long…
@@sf808opalaman it will be as long lived as the money probably
Or it may last a long time and be hell.
Unfortunately the worst relationships may last too long because they rely on a trauma bond. As she mentions in this video if they find themselves in a chaotic situation it doesn't trigger their limbic system. It doesn't mean they're happy. They absolutely aren't happy. And they don't understand why they aren't happy because their limbic system that usually triggers the fact that you were in a bad situation isn't setting off any alarm bells. They are simply inured to it.
@@spikespiegel5893you must get out of there asap
Haha when I left her, my ex went back to her ex before me. The one she was messaging behind my back, gaslighted me about and insisted 100% she was over and said being with him was a mistake.
I laughed when I saw them together. It made perfect sense. She lied so much to me so often.
My life improved dramatically the day I left.
Now I’m with a normal partner, I feel like I was a complete sucker staying with the FA.
Hi Thais, I recently took your attachment quiz and the results show that I’m FA. I’ve thought this for a little while now anyway but I lean more to the anxious side, especially now while I’m
In a relationship with a DA. I signed up to your personal development school and I’m wondering should I take the course for FA or AP since I lean anxious or do both? Cheers. Love your work!
Being FA leaning AP myself. I started with the Discover Embrace and Fulfill Your Personal Needs and then went to Emotional Mastery and Belief Reprogramming. This will find your triggers with core wounds. Take care of the FA before AP since FA can be more destructive in your life. Good luck.
@@timdevlin2293 thanks mate. Those are the courses I’m part way through 👌🏻
@@djp3819 You're welcome.
love video, I just cant believe my husband left me after 18 years, he just left me.he doesnt even want to talk to me anymore. Ive tried everything possible to get him back, but nothing seems to work and I cant stop thinking about him Im frustrated I dont see my life with anyone else. Ive done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I cant I dont know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just cant stop thinking about him
I'm really sorry to hear that. I went through something similar not too long ago. My boyfriend and I broke up and I felt completely lost. I tried everything, but it just seemed hopeless. Well I ended up reaching out to this incredible spiritual adviser. He helped me in ways I never thought possible. After working with him my husband came back to me and now we are happier than ever really.?
A spiritual adviser, that sounds interesting. What did you do? How can I get in contact with him.?
His name is Owen Abiola, and He's a great spiritual adviser who can bring back your ex.
Thank you so much! I just searched his name, and I found him, the reviews look amazing, and I m feeling hopeful now. I really believe I can get him back. I’m so happy to have found this.
Sis don’t do that. This so called “spiritual adviser” is clearly someone who practices dark magic and often times love spells have horrible side effects that’ll make you wish you never even tried it.
👍 thanks