This made me cry😢 thank you for this video Our daughter is 2 now. When she was a baby everyone was telling me "don't hold her all the time, she won't be able to be without you", "oh just let her cry for a while, they have to learn how to fall asleep themselves". This all felt wrong to me on an instinctual level and I'm happy I learned very quickly to listen to my own heart. The first 3 months she slept on top of me or my husband. She (still) sleeps in our bed (taking necessary safety steps). I never "sleep trained" her. And when she cries I respond as fast as I can. I try never to "abandon" her as a way of getting what I want from her. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I mess up in my frustration and tiredness. I find balancing everything (work, house, family, child, and personal needs) quite challenging. But I'll do my best and hope that's enough. Follow you heart and instincts❤. Don't let society tell you what children "should" do. It is usually not in the childs' best interst but how our society works at this moment. Most things are unfair to expect of infants at certain ages from a (neurological) developmental stand point.
You are doing the best you can, none of us are born knowing how to be parents. We learn as we go. And you are doing amazing!!!! We just need to be their rock and love and protect them!!! I’ve heard that “let them cry” nonsense with my second child. And I thought it was stupid and disregarded it. Because with my first child my mom and dad both taught me to always be available for my child and not let her cry. The Hispanic culture I was raised in believes in always being available for the child, especially when they cry as babies. The independence will come as they get older. Do what your heart tells you.
Yes, as parents we always need to listen to our own hearts. I never understood how people could let a baby or a child sleep by themselves. They are inside of you for 9 months...and then in their own bedroom when they come into the world? This always felt wrong to me somehow and it always felt right for our children to sleep with us when they were little.
I stated to Co-sleep with my boy fully when he was 3 months.... This was our journey. Ic an so glad I came across the book I did and a FB group 'Happy Cosleeping". This all gave me confidence, and spoke to my deep instincts. Before it was good the way it was, he was always next to us or my Juan's at night. As otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to sleep and get the rest I needed. Although we did contact napping early on. It was so wonderful, him sleeping on me so peaceful..... This is not happening as much. So I'm trying to enjoy every time I get. Everyone's journey is different and unique. Every baby is unique. You find yours. Listen to your heart and your deepest motherly instincts and intuition. ❤
My peer group saved me. My parents were both narcisstics but I had a healthy peer group who had healthy attachments. Incredibly grateful for my peer group during my teens where I felt much more secure than in my family
One formula does NOT fit all situations, best solutions are based on individual basis, you could not choose your parents but you could choose your peer group and it seems it worked out well for you :)
It’s true it’s tough if our family environment is not healthy… but we also have to be careful who we put ourselves around. It’s not always easy to find the better alternative.
I also heavily relied on my childhood friends and we're still close today. Growing up as the middle child of unhappy immigrant parents, I looked forward to going to school every day. So lucky to have them. Grew up in Oakland, CA too and realized how lucky I was when I got older. We all need support.
Exactly!!!!! The numerous people that say "put that baby down before you spoil them" ignorance made me avoid people to make sure I could peacefully love
The problem is the parents that still don't get it probably have no understanding of what unconditional love looks, sounds, or even feels like and would have no clue where to start on trying to give something that they have never had.
When they told me I might spoil him, I needed to let him sleep by himself although hed cry til the point of gagging... I kept myself strong. He's my baby, not only I will hold him, I'll do babywearing until my back can't take it anymore. And he will sleep in the bed if that's what makes him feel safe. And when he throws a tantrum as a dysregulated 2 year old, I won't scream at him or smack him or ignore him like they told me... I'll make silly faces, silly dances, I'll sing the song he likes and I'll hug him. And I'm happy with my decisions!!! Because they make me feel like a LOVING mother. Because that's what I want to hear my son say one day: my mother is LOVING, CARING, NURTURING, PATIENT. I want my son to look at me and think "she'll understand", "she'll help me", "she'll console me", not to be scared of my reaction, scared to open up, scared to ask questions or share his feelings, fears and problems. As a I heard a doctor said once "my daughter slept in our bed until she was 5, when then she decided she wanted her room. She keot coming in the middle of the night when she had nightmares or woke up and our door was always open for her. Spoiled? Dependent? She lives in a different country now and is independent, succesful and loving!"
We are afraid to be vulnerable with one another, and it doesn't surprise me that as a society in general we have a hard time being open and vulnerable with others. It is our capacity to love, respect and have honest true conversations and interactions that make us well-rounded people. Thank you Mr. Gabor for your insight as well as your wisdom❤
We were made to belong, we were never meant to be" solo" we were never meant to be alone for long extended periods of time. It is interdependence that creates a healthy strong human being, not isolation, fear and shame.
I agree but parents nowadays are so wrapped up on their children that we are not raising independent adults anymore, and my observations have seen that it is parents insecurities that are the primary driver of this
@@Ali-fc8djThere is a way to raise children who have resilience, self fortitude and the ability to connect with others. Sometimes the internet and social media make it difficult for parents to actually raise their children in an environment of love and support, and yet provide them with structure where the child can feel loved but also know that they are proper boundaries for appropriate relationships. There is a way to move forward. We should never forget our past however we should not allow our past to dictate everything in our lives.
Yes! I hear a lot of parents always complain about their kids. Yes there are frustrating moments at times but man I love my Son! I’ve enjoyed every season and now that he is 9, I love hearing him talk and everything as he is observing the world around him and his thoughts. We also have a lot of fun, go to the movies, even just play digital games etc… ❤
I think this message needs to be spread, it could shape entire future generations and save people from a lot of suffering. Humanity needs more genuine deep connections and it starts with parenthood. Also really important that people that arent mentally/emotionally ready to have kids should not have them, and absolutely should not be forced to have them. Economy is not the only way someone may be unable to properly care for kids. But those who already have them gotta do their best and may need this guidance
bro, thanks a lot for this video! I'm not sure why YT algorithm picked up this one and recommended it but it resonates so deeply with how we parent our kids! Thank you!
Love should be unconditional. We should stop telling children that they are too big to hug us or hold our hand if they need it... we should love them because thanks to love we can make them "grow".
Thank you Dr Gabor. I enjoy listening to your videos there're always so impactful. Wish i know this 23yrs ago. But i can impact someone else while trying to reshape my own by God's grace it's not impossible 🙏 ❤.
My baby is just 4 months old so I don't know where it will take me, but the time out method feels truly cruel to me. Exactly for the reasons described. Now my parents say to my nephew "When you're crying, you're ugly. Don't talk to me when you're ugly". I feel so sorry for him, I remember how I felt, and how I feel nowadays when I'm sad. I isolate and feel ashamed, and disgusting.
@@monaami555 I'm so sorry, for you and your nephew. I agree. Never let anyone speak to your child in a way that you disagree with. If it does happen, tell them to never ever! do that again. If they still continue, don't let them near your child. Some of my family have also the tendency to respond wrong to emotional things. I always watch them like a hawk when my daughter is around them and I immediately correct them, explain to my child in a right way and let them know that this is really unacceptable. So far it has been going ok. But if I have to cut them off, I will. It will hurt me a lot to do it, but anything for my children. I don't want them to feel the same way I now realise I feel because of that. I wish you lot's of strength and happiness ❤️
@@stefaniakonstantinidou981well his mother does not really agree with me so I guess it's not my place to try to raise her kid. They live in the same city and I'm further away, only see him a few times a year.
We use time out when our son is screaming and in a complete outrage. The reason why is because you can't talk to or reason with anyone who is a angry as they are in that moment. So we get him into time out and when he calms down we can lovingly correct, which typically ends in hugs and giggles. I think intent is key whenever you use any parenting tactic. If your intent is to isolate and shame the child, they will feel it. If the parent is trying to get you to calm down without shaming, they feel that too. But personally, I feel we're teaching something important which is 1. Take a break from whatever is angering him and 2. People don't deserve to be treated wrong (a.k.a yelled or screamed at) just because they're family or friends and just because he's angry. 3. If he does treat people wrong while he's mad, he'll always be given the chance to make it right again.
Parents are determined to teach their kid to sleep separately, whatever it takes. The kid thinks: they don't want me. Parents shout at their kid, when he throws a tantrum or ignore him coldly. The kid thinks: they don't like me. And when a child grows up, parents give him good advice, but he thinks: I don't want and I don't like it.
@@belindaventer8474 I moved to another state to get away. I talk to my dad daily but he’s an enabler of my mom’s toxic ways. I feel bad that I’m not closer to my parents since they are elderly but I couldn’t take the mental abuse.
I co sleep with my baby till she was 8 years old n told me she was ready to sleep on her own, some time still sleeps naps close to each other! I have an amazing conexion n friendship with my daughter! They used to call me over protective, i didn't give a d.. she was happy n content all her childhood, ans now a happy and secure teen
Literally, this. We almost went bankrupt and decimated our credit score because things happened and me and hub refused to put baby in childcare to get 2 incomes. Don't regret it 1 bit. My baby is 2 and so happy and we don't have a stressful life rushing here and there. Money CANNOT buy happiness or peace
Here is what I should have offered my Childern. I should have been there a hella lot more. I should of had them in nature more learning together the things that nature provides no tv I should of been more present instead of closed off and instead of looking for something that was already there let them know they was worthy of my Love and devotion . Taught them to be more kind and respectful and understanding not everyone is the same and everyone walks their own path . That is some of the things I owed my childern .
As aparent I can tick mark everything that Dr. Gabor Mate said of course I did make a few mistakes but my son is a happy developed adult who loves us. But those mistakes sometimes come to haunt me and makes me feel bad but yes me and my wife can safely we are good parents
My first daughter was always by my side,carrying in ergo carrier as baby, sleeping side by side until she was old enough to say she wants to sleep alone, breastfeeding until 4 years ( if course it was just for feeling safe and comfortable for her and not because of hunger)try to make her strong and teach her the best, support her always. Now she is 18 years old and moved out before her birthday to her grandparents and made me feel i am the devil because i didn' t allow her to be half-naked outside and to not be out at midnight even if i explained it why! 💔
I learn that, when you pick up your child when it's crying you make a narcissist. That's doing everything to have his own way. My husband says don't pick him up let him cry. But I pick him up and don't let him out of my side. He is turning out to be a horrible person for others. He want everything his way. I blame myself for it. But when I hear this I know now that it's not my fault. I felt he needed me. I was a young mother and I love my children very much. The other is so different then the young one. I love to learn how to live your life better , in every way. Thanks for your book.wanneer je lichaam nee zegt, in het Nederlands. ❤
The truth is a narcissistic wound is formed when you let your child cry it out, because they learn that they are on their own in life and no one will look out for them. So everything in life has to revolve around them. Isn't the exactly how a narcissist acts?
There is a difference between giving comfort and always letting the child have his/her way. You can comfort the child, help it through the difficult feelings and still set boundaries. There is no spoiling in love, but there is spoiling in things and lack of thankfulness.
I think you need to help your child process and regulate his emotions! You can hug him and you should when they are young but you also need to help them understand how they are feeling so something like :” I know you are upset and hurt cause you fell do you need a hug? Would a banais help?” Sometimes they will not want a hug so just sit next to them so they know you are there for them and eventually they will be able to tell you exactly how they feel and deal with it! But if you child is crying cause they want their way all the time you must also teach him and you can use the same type of phrasing :” I know you are upset cause you want that toy but your cousin is plying with it right now so let’s find you another one!” You ill he automatically say yes? Most likely not especially if he is already used to have his way but a big part of parenting is repetition and consistency and eventually he will realize my feelings are valid and mommy loves me even when I’m acting “crazy” but there’s a better way to do things! I do this with my daughter and when I tell you she became such a better child and I don’t yell at her or get frustrated nearly as much as iI would had I not learn this!
Kids need to learn boundaries too. Such as no, you can’t have the full bag of chips, thats not healthy for our bodies etc… they will cry and you can validate their feelings but thats how they learn healthy boundaries.
I very seldom ask my 2,5 year old to obey. Recently I've lost my mobile and we needed to get to a store really quick to get it. She knew I was telling her to quickly get dressesd for a reason amd complied 100%. Not because she was scared, but because she trusted me.
How many the unwanted child being born from the unready parents? All children need love, plesase don't hurt them. If your parents never hug you so you should hug your kid in the future.
Feeling like I need help, now. My daughter is wonderful and amazing and I have no complaints or huge concerns about her behavior. She's developmentally on track and sometimes ahead. Her behaviors are developmentally appropriate. But if she does certain things, I do give her a short time out (1 minute for every year of age, so 2), then talk to her after and help her breathe and help her identify what she can do instead next time. I always reassure her that I love her and believe in her, that I believe she can make good choices. I might be disappointed with a choice she made but never in her as a person. Time outs seemed to be helping her think her way through situations because I see her employing better techniques in similar situations after (ex: saying "hey, Mama" loudly instead of doing something hurtful to get my attention; announcing "I'm frustrated!" Instead of screaming; asking for something verbally or with sign language instead of crying or whining for something she wants). I don't want to be teaching her that I'm... Not available or that she's not acceptable to me in certain situations!! 😰 I mean... Is that always the outcome of learning from time outs? 😥
It is normal only in USA that you let your kid fo cry or to sleep alone in their room form the birth...In my country attachments with kids are much much stronger..They say that first 3 years are the most important in a child's life..this 3 years I want to be next to my child-no kindergarten no babysitter
It's only normal for people who believe that stuff. I'm American and I never let my child "cry it out" or such nonsense. He was always in the room right next to me.
I agree with the main point about nurturing. I won’t just let my baby lay there crying. I’m going to go in and cuddle him. My “baby” girl is already over 3 and she cuddles with me and her dad every morning. I don’t think time-outs teach that a relationship is conditional. Sometimes, a time out is simply a chance to calm down. Sometimes, adults need to have time outs also. Just don’t give them just for crying or being upset, but there has to be a consequence BECAUSE I love my kids. And the parenting and hugs and love will continue long after the first 3 years. I’ll worry about them and love them and call them until I die.
Sadly we can see where this goes when this generation grows up. More detached workers doing awful things for ... because they haven't learned to care, nor has our society enough ways left to do so. Sadly. Unless we put love in the center again.
لهذا حضور الوالدين في رعاية الطفل ضرورية و ليس رفاهية ، وجود الأم خاصة في بداية السنوات الأولى ، و ووجود الأب كذلك و خصوصاً عندما يكبر الابن ... الأمر كبير جداً . أيتها الأمهات، حتى لو كانت لديك شهادة جامعية و وجدتي فرصة للعمل بها ، لا تؤثريها على طفلك الذي في سنواته الأولى ، اعرف واحدة انجبت طفلها و تركته للرضاعة الصناعية و تغيب عنه كل يوم ١٠ ساعات كاملة من أجل " الوظيفة الرائعة" التي وجدتها 🙃 سُحقاً لتلك الوظائف التي تسرق أمهات الأطفال!! زوجها موجود و ميسور الحال ، وما من حضانة قريبة لتترك طفلها و تأتيه لترضعه ، من زرع تلك الأفكار في عقول أولئك النساء؟ لماذا على الأبناء أن يدفعوا ثمن أخطاء أهاليهم دائماً ؟!
When I had kids anti-smacking laws had just come into force. So thankfully the coercive, authoritarian Dad role wasn't really a possibility. (I H4T3 authoritarianism. I didn't want to BECOME it). So we just had to treat kids with kindness and respect. I am a guide, not a jailer. If they cry for help, we come. There was always something wrong. Assume the best intentions. There were no punishments, but they never did anything wrong either. Ultimately parenting made me an anarchist: it made me question coercive relationships of every kind. We raised the dog the same way. He is also a good boy. If he barks for help, we come. There is always something wrong. 'Oh look, someone left the front door is open. Good boy.' My assumption is social animals want positive feedback because it feels good. I also assume the prisons are full of abused and neglected children
Pick the child up when they cry, of course. Let them know you are there for them. But doing it too much will make them unable to handle a space without you. If your child gets mad, talk to them. If they can't articulate their words, let them know. that you'll be ready to talk when they are. But the tantrum, kicking and screaming is not okay. They need to take a deep breath, calm down and practice having self control so they can say what needs to be said. We aren't psychic or all knowing. Even if you're busy, do chores with them, hang out with them every now and then and so on. Build a relationship with them and ask about their day on the daily. Have something together that's just yours together and while spending time together, input morals, values, wisdom, knowledge and just share little stories of your own life. These are invaluable. No matter ho much turmoil my family went through, im close to my parents till this day and I've started using the skills (sewing) I learned from them the I was a kid. I have a big family and I will raise them similar to how my parents raised me.
I never understood the concept of letting a baby cry. I never dis with my child and our bond IS stronger. I'm not perfect but m'y child knows I am by her side
To teach kids obedience is to break them in like horses. It is child abuse. As are the words "I told you so!" Instead, love the child, learn to be the child's mentor, and always be there to help the child pick up the pieces should things go wrong. (The Carrot and the Stick = Bribery and Coercion)
@@jasperbird929 The society you speak of is one that has already been broken-in. Such societies tend to have a fear of anything wild and untamed, all too often seeking to control or destroy it. As for a society that has no comprehension of the practice of obedience, I believe that most individuals are happy to set their own personal boundaries and defend them, either by negotiation or physically. Indeed, such societies often display the desire to help defend the personal boundaries of the weaker amongst them.
I never did the cry it out method bc my babies always slept well. But I don't judge anyone who has. I've babysat babies with colic and i would walk the hall back and forth. I can't imagine how exhausting that would be. You can't spoil a baby, but taking a break is okay too. People need to sleep. We're not robots. Kids look to peers when they are preteens. It's natural and parenting shifts more to a mentoring type of role. It doesn't mean the love is any less.
I left the babies due to HV teachings, I regret now for leaving to cry in crib...upsets me. My children have anxiety now but I can try to warm up n be with. Hopefully it will overcome the nasty teachings they teach you as a guidance
so when do we stop letting them cling like this? because my 4-year old seems to be taking advantage of it now. I have been a very huggy clingy father barely ever put my girls down, never let them "cry it out" and they sleep in my bed with me most of the time. but my 4 year old is highly highly intelligent a lot more so than other 4 year olds around her. and she is physically massive she gets taken for a 6-7 year old more time. but it's like she know im such a softy and its like she is taking the piss, she gets in such a state where I absolutely have to leave her with her mum or my mum or I gonna really lose it with her.
No when there isn't anything you can do to reason with an angry screaming kicking throwing toddler they need some time out in their bed, or you're teaching them it's ok to act, and treat you like that. Everyone even a toddler needs sometime to themselves to reflect, it's healthy. It takes 5 positive moments to take away a negative moment so after they calm down do 5 things enjoyable like read book, play toys, puzzle, go for a walk, share a snack, dance party, then plenty of affection in between the moments they need to reflect.
You should see the so called remedy for a woman with post natal depression (separate the mom and baby and stop breast feeding) in so called civilised uk
I never let my babies cry themselves to sleep It didnt make sense then or now My mum had 10 healthy kids my one sister would continuously cry My mum suspected something was wrong doc said she was just a difficult baby My mom responded why would god give me one difficult baby somethings wrong 16yrs later nurse discovered sister had a hole in her heart I guess thats why i I instinctively react to babies crying and go the extra mile As a mom you just know when somethings off!!!
NO, NO, NO. You never relax. The hardest years are ahead, the teen age years. The TEEN AGE & YOUNG ADULTHOOD years are the most VONURABLE years of human life because that's when the major physical & mental changes occur. During these years the personality forms. Most people overcome the bumps of growing up but the ones that get into bad company, skipping school, drug, alcohol, pornography, steeling, etc., may have problems with crooked set of values & problems with addiction.
He talks about kids under 3! Kids under 3 years need you to feed, change and everything. It’s so important to be there for them. Once they get older if you are in tune with your child you can tell when they are trying to use their charm on you. Thats were boundaries get set and the skillset to use those boundaries are taught. Theres a huge difference, you as parents are the test subjects where everything gets tested and learned from. I remember my Son went through a short NO phase were he said no to everything, as the adult I knew what he discovered so he was going to test his knew discovery. Also when he learned about throwing things and he observed what happens to objects when you throw them. It’s all learning for them and us guiding, boundaries etc..
before even watching this video, as a non-parent, DON'T NEGLECT YOUR KIDS WITH THE INTERNET. Give them books instead. Easier said than done, I know, but your kid will be so much more wholesome and intelligent.
"All you need is love ".- Lennon , McCartney I'd like to see a debate between Gabor and Peterson. Peterson is the worst popular Canadian psychologist. Gabor is the best imo
Peterson is a zionist puppet who actually doesn’t know what he’s talking about when it comes to psychology because he can’t even overcome his own psychological damage to not endorse people killing kids.
I guess when a toddler is acting like that it's generally for a reason, it may be a trivial reason for you but you should try to understand it and explain they don't need to act that way and that whatever bothers them is probably not that deep
No but dont ignore it when there is no tantrum . My kids do not give tantrums that much anymore they are 3 years old. They know i wont respond when they are upset they can cry and she try to talk together.
Try getting down on their level and talking it out. Acknowledge that you understand they want their mom, and explain when he will be able to see his mom, you can say, mom’s going to be so happy to see you later, Should we draw her a picture, or write her a note? Point being-acknowledge that it’s ok for him to feel sad, but a tantrum is not how to get what you want. Try to redirect him to another activity. Tantrums are because kids are still operating in an emotional state, so finding ways to get them to a problem solving executive brain state are good. Focusing on validating their emotions and creating a sense of safety and connection and then transitioning to a more regulated state. Maybe look into online resources for helping kids out of the emotional state into an executive state?
All these words are good,,great.but.......parents are still going to do what they do,and teens will aswell.... Ive known great loving parents, with p.o.s. kids...
im a very involved and present Dad i hold and kiss my children everyday and tell them i love them everynight , we pray together , eat together, play together and learn together
Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert on child development and trauma, offers insights grounded in understanding the deeper needs behind a child's behavior. When dealing with a tantrum, he would likely advise the following steps: 1. Stay Calm and Present Children often mirror the emotional states of their caregivers. If you're calm, it helps the child feel safe. Breathe deeply and avoid reacting with frustration or anger. 2. Understand the Cause A tantrum is not a sign of a "bad" or "manipulative" child; it's a form of communication. The child is expressing an unmet need or overwhelming emotion they cannot articulate. Try to see the tantrum as a window into the child’s emotional world. 3. Provide Connection, Not Punishment Instead of isolating or punishing the child, stay physically and emotionally close. This reassures them that they are not alone. For example, say, "I see you're upset. I'm here with you." 4. Validate Their Feelings Acknowledge and name their emotions to help them feel understood. For example: "You're really frustrated because you wanted to keep playing." 5. Set Gentle, Clear Boundaries If the tantrum is about a limit (e.g., "We can’t eat candy before dinner"), stick to the boundary calmly and kindly, without giving in. Be empathetic but firm: "I know you’re upset, and it’s okay to feel angry, but the rule is no candy before dinner." 6. Empower Them After the Storm Once the tantrum subsides, discuss what happened in a non-judgmental way. Help the child understand their emotions and brainstorm ways to handle similar feelings in the future. 7. Examine Your Own Triggers Dr. Maté often emphasizes that a parent's reaction to a tantrum is influenced by their own upbringing and unresolved emotional wounds. Reflect on why the behavior might trigger frustration in you and work on self-regulation. 8. Create a Safe Emotional Environment Build a strong connection with the child during calm times. A secure attachment reduces the frequency and intensity of tantrums. Engage in activities that nurture connection, like play or storytelling, and affirm their worth and love. By approaching a tantrum with compassion, understanding, and connection, Dr. Maté would suggest that you not only address the immediate situation but also support the child in developing emotional resilience and trust.
Nothing you do as a parent will matter more than what happens during early childhood. And this holds true immediately after birth and during pregnancy. Please if you can, avoid ultrasound, hospital births (at least in the states) and circumcision. All three of these contribute immensely to physical and mental trauma and all three are avoidable.
Human beings aren't robots. Each will respond differently to the same situation. Some internalize the pain. Some externalize it. Some become bleeding hearts and people pleasers. There are many ways that people respond to trauma.
There is a chance you actually did nothing wrong, but something simply went wrong when he was developing in the womb and his brain didn't develop properly. If he has no true sense of compassion, I think the focus needs to be more on teaching him that being mean to others will get consequenses for him as well
I know a wonderful, caring couple who adopted a little girl and gave her all the love and attention and problem solving and after helping her through college she graduated and became a hooker. Turns out her biological mother was a hooker, too. I married a very damaged man who was diagnosed sociopath, he tortured animals and beat me and after he passed I had an autopsy of his brain done, which turned out to have been very abnormal. You just can't know everything, it's impossible. Might as well be compassionate with yourself.
@vivalaleta did u breastfeed him, pick him up when crying, feeling compassion when he s hurt, play with him not criticise or beat him? Talk with him about his problems, trust him?
This made me cry😢 thank you for this video
Our daughter is 2 now. When she was a baby everyone was telling me "don't hold her all the time, she won't be able to be without you", "oh just let her cry for a while, they have to learn how to fall asleep themselves". This all felt wrong to me on an instinctual level and I'm happy I learned very quickly to listen to my own heart. The first 3 months she slept on top of me or my husband. She (still) sleeps in our bed (taking necessary safety steps). I never "sleep trained" her. And when she cries I respond as fast as I can. I try never to "abandon" her as a way of getting what I want from her. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I mess up in my frustration and tiredness. I find balancing everything (work, house, family, child, and personal needs) quite challenging. But I'll do my best and hope that's enough.
Follow you heart and instincts❤. Don't let society tell you what children "should" do. It is usually not in the childs' best interst but how our society works at this moment. Most things are unfair to expect of infants at certain ages from a (neurological) developmental stand point.
Wonderfully said! This is how we raise our 2 years old son.
You are doing the best you can, none of us are born knowing how to be parents. We learn as we go. And you are doing amazing!!!! We just need to be their rock and love and protect them!!! I’ve heard that “let them cry” nonsense with my second child. And I thought it was stupid and disregarded it. Because with my first child my mom and dad both taught me to always be available for my child and not let her cry. The Hispanic culture I was raised in believes in always being available for the child, especially when they cry as babies. The independence will come as they get older. Do what your heart tells you.
Yes, as parents we always need to listen to our own hearts. I never understood how people could let a baby or a child sleep by themselves. They are inside of you for 9 months...and then in their own bedroom when they come into the world? This always felt wrong to me somehow and it always felt right for our children to sleep with us when they were little.
Yes. Ppl should belive in the power of their instincts, especially mothers. They are made for that.
I stated to Co-sleep with my boy fully when he was 3 months.... This was our journey.
Ic an so glad I came across the book I did and a FB group 'Happy Cosleeping".
This all gave me confidence, and spoke to my deep instincts.
Before it was good the way it was, he was always next to us or my Juan's at night. As otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to sleep and get the rest I needed.
Although we did contact napping early on. It was so wonderful, him sleeping on me so peaceful.....
This is not happening as much.
So I'm trying to enjoy every time I get.
Everyone's journey is different and unique. Every baby is unique.
You find yours. Listen to your heart and your deepest motherly instincts and intuition. ❤
My peer group saved me. My parents were both narcisstics but I had a healthy peer group who had healthy attachments. Incredibly grateful for my peer group during my teens where I felt much more secure than in my family
One formula does NOT fit all situations, best solutions are based on individual basis, you could not choose your parents but you could choose your peer group and it seems it worked out well for you :)
It's not always the though. Most of peers are bad influence
It’s true it’s tough if our family environment is not healthy… but we also have to be careful who we put ourselves around. It’s not always easy to find the better alternative.
I'm so grateful you had such a great group of friends when you needed it. 💗 God is aware of us and our needs!
I also heavily relied on my childhood friends and we're still close today. Growing up as the middle child of unhappy immigrant parents, I looked forward to going to school every day. So lucky to have them. Grew up in Oakland, CA too and realized how lucky I was when I got older. We all need support.
This needs to be forwarded to every parent out there who still doesn't get it!
Exactly!!!!! The numerous people that say "put that baby down before you spoil them" ignorance made me avoid people to make sure I could peacefully love
The problem is the parents that still don't get it probably have no understanding of what unconditional love looks, sounds, or even feels like and would have no clue where to start on trying to give something that they have never had.
@MrBilly171 Yes. You're so right about that.
When they told me I might spoil him, I needed to let him sleep by himself although hed cry til the point of gagging... I kept myself strong. He's my baby, not only I will hold him, I'll do babywearing until my back can't take it anymore. And he will sleep in the bed if that's what makes him feel safe. And when he throws a tantrum as a dysregulated 2 year old, I won't scream at him or smack him or ignore him like they told me... I'll make silly faces, silly dances, I'll sing the song he likes and I'll hug him.
And I'm happy with my decisions!!! Because they make me feel like a LOVING mother. Because that's what I want to hear my son say one day: my mother is LOVING, CARING, NURTURING, PATIENT.
I want my son to look at me and think "she'll understand", "she'll help me", "she'll console me", not to be scared of my reaction, scared to open up, scared to ask questions or share his feelings, fears and problems.
As a I heard a doctor said once "my daughter slept in our bed until she was 5, when then she decided she wanted her room. She keot coming in the middle of the night when she had nightmares or woke up and our door was always open for her. Spoiled? Dependent? She lives in a different country now and is independent, succesful and loving!"
So Beautiful and True
We are afraid to be vulnerable with one another, and it doesn't surprise me that as a society in general we have a hard time being open and vulnerable with others. It is our capacity to love, respect and have honest true conversations and interactions that make us well-rounded people. Thank you Mr. Gabor for your insight as well as your wisdom❤
Gabor Mate's wisdom is truly inspirational. Thank you Dr Mate!!
Gabor sure knows how to pull on the heart strings 😢
We were made to belong, we were never meant to be" solo" we were never meant to be alone for long extended periods of time. It is interdependence that creates a healthy strong human being, not isolation, fear and shame.
I agree but parents nowadays are so wrapped up on their children that we are not raising independent adults anymore, and my observations have seen that it is parents insecurities that are the primary driver of this
@@Ali-fc8djThere is a way to raise children who have resilience, self fortitude and the ability to connect with others. Sometimes the internet and social media make it difficult for parents to actually raise their children in an environment of love and support, and yet provide them with structure where the child can feel loved but also know that they are proper boundaries for appropriate relationships. There is a way to move forward. We should never forget our past however we should not allow our past to dictate everything in our lives.
No man is an island
@@michaelreardon303 True, no man is an island, however it is important that people don't tear down or burn the island as well.
Parenting comes from "desiring the child that belongs to you" 😢🤧 that part! I know a couple who see their 3 children as burdens, it's heartbreaking!
Yes! I hear a lot of parents always complain about their kids. Yes there are frustrating moments at times but man I love my Son! I’ve enjoyed every season and now that he is 9, I love hearing him talk and everything as he is observing the world around him and his thoughts. We also have a lot of fun, go to the movies, even just play digital games etc… ❤
I think this message needs to be spread, it could shape entire future generations and save people from a lot of suffering. Humanity needs more genuine deep connections and it starts with parenthood. Also really important that people that arent mentally/emotionally ready to have kids should not have them, and absolutely should not be forced to have them. Economy is not the only way someone may be unable to properly care for kids. But those who already have them gotta do their best and may need this guidance
U cant wait forever or we will have an population collapse. Everyone over 20 should be ready or the culture is immature.
bro, thanks a lot for this video! I'm not sure why YT algorithm picked up this one and recommended it but it resonates so deeply with how we parent our kids! Thank you!
Love should be unconditional. We should stop telling children that they are too big to hug us or hold our hand if they need it... we should love them because thanks to love we can make them "grow".
There should never be boundaries between us and our kids, no matter how old they are. It's an endless love
A beautiful and amazing message to all parents. This is the template to follow.
Gold. Unconditional Love
So grateful to this man. He helped me sooo much. Thank you for sharing this wisdom gem 💎
Thank you Dr Gabor. I enjoy listening to your videos there're always so impactful. Wish i know this 23yrs ago. But i can impact someone else while trying to reshape my own by God's grace it's not impossible 🙏 ❤.
My baby is just 4 months old so I don't know where it will take me, but the time out method feels truly cruel to me. Exactly for the reasons described. Now my parents say to my nephew "When you're crying, you're ugly. Don't talk to me when you're ugly". I feel so sorry for him, I remember how I felt, and how I feel nowadays when I'm sad. I isolate and feel ashamed, and disgusting.
Don t let your parents near your child. Talk to your nephew about how your parents r wrong to say that
@@monaami555 I'm so sorry, for you and your nephew. I agree. Never let anyone speak to your child in a way that you disagree with. If it does happen, tell them to never ever! do that again. If they still continue, don't let them near your child.
Some of my family have also the tendency to respond wrong to emotional things. I always watch them like a hawk when my daughter is around them and I immediately correct them, explain to my child in a right way and let them know that this is really unacceptable. So far it has been going ok. But if I have to cut them off, I will. It will hurt me a lot to do it, but anything for my children. I don't want them to feel the same way I now realise I feel because of that.
I wish you lot's of strength and happiness ❤️
@@stefaniakonstantinidou981well his mother does not really agree with me so I guess it's not my place to try to raise her kid. They live in the same city and I'm further away, only see him a few times a year.
Everything should come from a place of love and treat children as little people, not slaves.
We use time out when our son is screaming and in a complete outrage. The reason why is because you can't talk to or reason with anyone who is a angry as they are in that moment. So we get him into time out and when he calms down we can lovingly correct, which typically ends in hugs and giggles.
I think intent is key whenever you use any parenting tactic. If your intent is to isolate and shame the child, they will feel it. If the parent is trying to get you to calm down without shaming, they feel that too. But personally, I feel we're teaching something important which is 1. Take a break from whatever is angering him and 2. People don't deserve to be treated wrong (a.k.a yelled or screamed at) just because they're family or friends and just because he's angry. 3. If he does treat people wrong while he's mad, he'll always be given the chance to make it right again.
Totally true. We have legacy ideas of parenting from ignorance brought forwards from the past.
SUCH A SMART MAN
Parents are determined to teach their kid to sleep separately, whatever it takes.
The kid thinks: they don't want me.
Parents shout at their kid, when he throws a tantrum or ignore him coldly. The kid thinks: they don't like me.
And when a child grows up, parents give him good advice, but he thinks: I don't want and I don't like it.
Not just first 3 years , when they are teenagers they need you the most.
Wow what an amazing video.
That kid holding his middle finger up and crying is how I feel with life right now
What is the relationship with your parents?
Try not to feel that way! Fight back on this feeling!!!
@@belindaventer8474 I moved to another state to get away. I talk to my dad daily but he’s an enabler of my mom’s toxic ways. I feel bad that I’m not closer to my parents since they are elderly but I couldn’t take the mental abuse.
@@ebmneto I’ve been trying all my life. I have my kids so I’m here and I want to be here. But life is so hard
Don’t give in to that feeling bro, stay strong 💪
Beautiful, poetic and inspirational. Masterful work
I co sleep with my baby till she was 8 years old n told me she was ready to sleep on her own, some time still sleeps naps close to each other! I have an amazing conexion n friendship with my daughter! They used to call me over protective, i didn't give a d.. she was happy n content all her childhood, ans now a happy and secure teen
I just love Gabor and his books.
stay home witth your kids, working wont pay the bills anymore anyway
Hah, but unrealistic, too sadly
Unless you want to raise them in a homeless shelter or under a bridge.
Sadly true😢
Thanks to the Democrats
Literally, this. We almost went bankrupt and decimated our credit score because things happened and me and hub refused to put baby in childcare to get 2 incomes. Don't regret it 1 bit. My baby is 2 and so happy and we don't have a stressful life rushing here and there. Money CANNOT buy happiness or peace
Here is what I should have offered my Childern. I should have been there a hella lot more. I should of had them in nature more learning together the things that nature provides no tv I should of been more present instead of closed off and instead of looking for something that was already there let them know they was worthy of my
Love and devotion . Taught them to be more kind and respectful and understanding not everyone is the same and everyone walks their own path . That is some of the things I owed my childern .
As aparent I can tick mark everything that Dr. Gabor Mate said of course I did make a few mistakes but my son is a happy developed adult who loves us. But those mistakes sometimes come to haunt me and makes me feel bad but yes me and my wife can safely we are good parents
My first daughter was always by my side,carrying in ergo carrier as baby, sleeping side by side until she was old enough to say she wants to sleep alone, breastfeeding until 4 years ( if course it was just for feeling safe and comfortable for her and not because of hunger)try to make her strong and teach her the best, support her always. Now she is 18 years old and moved out before her birthday to her grandparents and made me feel i am the devil because i didn' t allow her to be half-naked outside and to not be out at midnight even if i explained it why! 💔
I’m sorry to hear this 😢
Thank you connection
Wise man.! ❤
I learn that, when you pick up your child when it's crying you make a narcissist. That's doing everything to have his own way. My husband says don't pick him up let him cry. But I pick him up and don't let him out of my side. He is turning out to be a horrible person for others. He want everything his way. I blame myself for it. But when I hear this I know now that it's not my fault. I felt he needed me. I was a young mother and I love my children very much.
The other is so different then the young one.
I love to learn how to live your life better , in every way.
Thanks for your book.wanneer je lichaam nee zegt, in het Nederlands. ❤
The truth is a narcissistic wound is formed when you let your child cry it out, because they learn that they are on their own in life and no one will look out for them. So everything in life has to revolve around them. Isn't the exactly how a narcissist acts?
There is a difference between giving comfort and always letting the child have his/her way. You can comfort the child, help it through the difficult feelings and still set boundaries. There is no spoiling in love, but there is spoiling in things and lack of thankfulness.
I think you need to help your child process and regulate his emotions! You can hug him and you should when they are young but you also need to help them understand how they are feeling so something like :” I know you are upset and hurt cause you fell do you need a hug? Would a banais help?” Sometimes they will not want a hug so just sit next to them so they know you are there for them and eventually they will be able to tell you exactly how they feel and deal with it! But if you child is crying cause they want their way all the time you must also teach him and you can use the same type of phrasing :” I know you are upset cause you want that toy but your cousin is plying with it right now so let’s find you another one!” You ill he automatically say yes? Most likely not especially if he is already used to have his way but a big part of parenting is repetition and consistency and eventually he will realize my feelings are valid and mommy loves me even when I’m acting “crazy” but there’s a better way to do things! I do this with my daughter and when I tell you she became such a better child and I don’t yell at her or get frustrated nearly as much as iI would had I not learn this!
Kids need to learn boundaries too. Such as no, you can’t have the full bag of chips, thats not healthy for our bodies etc… they will cry and you can validate their feelings but thats how they learn healthy boundaries.
Love this excerpt.
Much appreciation, GM and Sustainable Human.
Wow that was amazing
I did all that and lost her to peers, teachers & therapist.
I’m sorry to hear. 😢 It’s possible it wasn’t you but an outside factor. So much goes on at school too. I pray everything works out. 🙏🏽
I very seldom ask my 2,5 year old to obey. Recently I've lost my mobile and we needed to get to a store really quick to get it. She knew I was telling her to quickly get dressesd for a reason amd complied 100%.
Not because she was scared, but because she trusted me.
How many the unwanted child being born from the unready parents?
All children need love, plesase don't hurt them. If your parents never hug you so you should hug your kid in the future.
this is spot on❤
Feeling like I need help, now. My daughter is wonderful and amazing and I have no complaints or huge concerns about her behavior. She's developmentally on track and sometimes ahead. Her behaviors are developmentally appropriate. But if she does certain things, I do give her a short time out (1 minute for every year of age, so 2), then talk to her after and help her breathe and help her identify what she can do instead next time. I always reassure her that I love her and believe in her, that I believe she can make good choices. I might be disappointed with a choice she made but never in her as a person. Time outs seemed to be helping her think her way through situations because I see her employing better techniques in similar situations after (ex: saying "hey, Mama" loudly instead of doing something hurtful to get my attention; announcing "I'm frustrated!" Instead of screaming; asking for something verbally or with sign language instead of crying or whining for something she wants). I don't want to be teaching her that I'm... Not available or that she's not acceptable to me in certain situations!! 😰 I mean... Is that always the outcome of learning from time outs? 😥
It is normal only in USA that you let your kid fo cry or to sleep alone in their room form the birth...In my country attachments with kids are much much stronger..They say that first 3 years are the most important in a child's life..this 3 years I want to be next to my child-no kindergarten no babysitter
Where u come from?
It's only normal for people who believe that stuff. I'm American and I never let my child "cry it out" or such nonsense. He was always in the room right next to me.
Not only in America. Everywhere where Wrstern values and info is revered. BS
@LisaCulton better for a young child to sleep in the same room with you like in many cultures. We on the Anglosphere have got it completely wrong.
& what hell "Western" countries have wreaked on other cultures demolishing families through perpetual military violence. 💔💔💔
I agree with the main point about nurturing. I won’t just let my baby lay there crying. I’m going to go in and cuddle him. My “baby” girl is already over 3 and she cuddles with me and her dad every morning. I don’t think time-outs teach that a relationship is conditional. Sometimes, a time out is simply a chance to calm down. Sometimes, adults need to have time outs also. Just don’t give them just for crying or being upset, but there has to be a consequence BECAUSE I love my kids. And the parenting and hugs and love will continue long after the first 3 years. I’ll worry about them and love them and call them until I die.
Absolutely pernicious.
This one video..made me subscribe
Fantastic content..thank you for this awakening..
❤
By the way.. I believe Dr Gabor is a genius 👌 👏 🙌 😎
What a great man is Gabor Mate!❤
"رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامً"
Sadly we can see where this goes when this generation grows up. More detached workers doing awful things for ... because they haven't learned to care, nor has our society enough ways left to do so. Sadly. Unless we put love in the center again.
That s how the Nazzi holocaust came to pass
لهذا حضور الوالدين في رعاية الطفل ضرورية و ليس رفاهية ، وجود الأم خاصة في بداية السنوات الأولى ، و ووجود الأب كذلك و خصوصاً عندما يكبر الابن ... الأمر كبير جداً .
أيتها الأمهات، حتى لو كانت لديك شهادة جامعية و وجدتي فرصة للعمل بها ، لا تؤثريها على طفلك الذي في سنواته الأولى ، اعرف واحدة انجبت طفلها و تركته للرضاعة الصناعية و تغيب عنه كل يوم ١٠ ساعات كاملة من أجل " الوظيفة الرائعة" التي وجدتها 🙃
سُحقاً لتلك الوظائف التي تسرق أمهات الأطفال!!
زوجها موجود و ميسور الحال ، وما من حضانة قريبة لتترك طفلها و تأتيه لترضعه ، من زرع تلك الأفكار في عقول أولئك النساء؟ لماذا على الأبناء أن يدفعوا ثمن أخطاء أهاليهم دائماً ؟!
"It takes the whole village to raise a child."
-African proverb
Amazing amazing person.
I one word what you can do is to "love" children!
Thanks for this.
When I had kids anti-smacking laws had just come into force. So thankfully the coercive, authoritarian Dad role wasn't really a possibility. (I H4T3 authoritarianism. I didn't want to BECOME it). So we just had to treat kids with kindness and respect. I am a guide, not a jailer. If they cry for help, we come. There was always something wrong. Assume the best intentions. There were no punishments, but they never did anything wrong either. Ultimately parenting made me an anarchist: it made me question coercive relationships of every kind.
We raised the dog the same way. He is also a good boy. If he barks for help, we come. There is always something wrong. 'Oh look, someone left the front door is open. Good boy.'
My assumption is social animals want positive feedback because it feels good. I also assume the prisons are full of abused and neglected children
From 4:53 God started speaking
Just today I had to set my boomer parent straight about this. Spot on 💯
My kids are teens. I hope it’s not too late
Pick the child up when they cry, of course. Let them know you are there for them. But doing it too much will make them unable to handle a space without you. If your child gets mad, talk to them. If they can't articulate their words, let them know. that you'll be ready to talk when they are. But the tantrum, kicking and screaming is not okay. They need to take a deep breath, calm down and practice having self control so they can say what needs to be said. We aren't psychic or all knowing. Even if you're busy, do chores with them, hang out with them every now and then and so on. Build a relationship with them and ask about their day on the daily. Have something together that's just yours together and while spending time together, input morals, values, wisdom, knowledge and just share little stories of your own life. These are invaluable. No matter ho much turmoil my family went through, im close to my parents till this day and I've started using the skills (sewing) I learned from them the I was a kid. I have a big family and I will raise them similar to how my parents raised me.
I never understood the concept of letting a baby cry. I never dis with my child and our bond IS stronger. I'm not perfect but m'y child knows I am by her side
To teach kids obedience is to break them in like horses. It is child abuse. As are the words "I told you so!" Instead, love the child, learn to be the child's mentor, and always be there to help the child pick up the pieces should things go wrong.
(The Carrot and the Stick = Bribery and Coercion)
Does society set boundaries and expect obedience to authority?
@@jasperbird929 The society you speak of is one that has already been broken-in. Such societies tend to have a fear of anything wild and untamed, all too often seeking to control or destroy it.
As for a society that has no comprehension of the practice of obedience, I believe that most individuals are happy to set their own personal boundaries and defend them, either by negotiation or physically. Indeed, such societies often display the desire to help defend the personal boundaries of the weaker amongst them.
AWESOME VIDEO
I never did the cry it out method bc my babies always slept well. But I don't judge anyone who has. I've babysat babies with colic and i would walk the hall back and forth. I can't imagine how exhausting that would be. You can't spoil a baby, but taking a break is okay too. People need to sleep. We're not robots.
Kids look to peers when they are preteens. It's natural and parenting shifts more to a mentoring type of role. It doesn't mean the love is any less.
First three years right.. doesn’t guarantee anything.
Parenting is a marathon after a marathon.
I agree with you but I think he means if you get the basics correct in the beginning, it puts you on a path of how to parent well.
First 3 years majorly affect and define the childs attachment style.
I left the babies due to HV teachings, I regret now for leaving to cry in crib...upsets me. My children have anxiety now but I can try to warm up n be with. Hopefully it will overcome the nasty teachings they teach you as a guidance
so when do we stop letting them cling like this?
because my 4-year old seems to be taking advantage of it now.
I have been a very huggy clingy father barely ever put my girls down,
never let them "cry it out" and they sleep in my bed with me most of the time.
but my 4 year old is highly highly intelligent a lot more so than other 4 year olds around her. and she is physically massive she gets taken for a 6-7 year old more time.
but it's like she know im such a softy and its like she is taking the piss, she gets in such a state where I absolutely have to leave her with her mum or my mum or I gonna really lose it with her.
Start telling her, "you're a big girl now and the big girls have their own big girl bed... etc "
Boundaries can still happen with love and reassurance. Firm and consistent. And they will still be attached to us
How are kids supposed to attach to their parents when they get dumped at daycare from the time they're babies?
I've never been taught to parent. Where does one go to get "taught"?
I think we might have gotten the first 2 yeaes right. It was in no small part thanks to this man
No when there isn't anything you can do to reason with an angry screaming kicking throwing toddler they need some time out in their bed, or you're teaching them it's ok to act, and treat you like that. Everyone even a toddler needs sometime to themselves to reflect, it's healthy. It takes 5 positive moments to take away a negative moment so after they calm down do 5 things enjoyable like read book, play toys, puzzle, go for a walk, share a snack, dance party, then plenty of affection in between the moments they need to reflect.
You should see the so called remedy for a woman with post natal depression (separate the mom and baby and stop breast feeding) in so called civilised uk
❤❤ dang, serious advice!
I never let my babies cry themselves to sleep It didnt make sense then or now My mum had 10 healthy kids my one sister would continuously cry My mum suspected something was wrong doc said she was just a difficult baby My mom responded why would god give me one difficult baby somethings wrong 16yrs later nurse discovered sister had a hole in her heart I guess thats why i I instinctively react to babies crying and go the extra mile As a mom you just know when somethings off!!!
Churches teach detachment and punishment too. It's so wrong. Please connect with your kids.
NO, NO, NO. You never relax. The hardest years are ahead, the teen age years. The TEEN AGE & YOUNG ADULTHOOD years are the most VONURABLE years of human life because that's when the major physical & mental changes occur. During these years the personality forms. Most people overcome the bumps of growing up but the ones that get into bad company, skipping school, drug, alcohol, pornography, steeling, etc., may have problems with crooked set of values & problems with addiction.
Yes
You leave them to cry they lose attachment you pick them up they learn crying gets them what they want. You cannot win in this game.
You will not always need to pick them up. It's just a phase. They'll grow up.
It's not a game and it's not about winning and losing.
If what they want is love then "spoil" them ❤ they will learn to feel safe and to love others.
He talks about kids under 3! Kids under 3 years need you to feed, change and everything. It’s so important to be there for them.
Once they get older if you are in tune with your child you can tell when they are trying to use their charm on you. Thats were boundaries get set and the skillset to use those boundaries are taught.
Theres a huge difference, you as parents are the test subjects where everything gets tested and learned from.
I remember my Son went through a short NO phase were he said no to everything, as the adult I knew what he discovered so he was going to test his knew discovery.
Also when he learned about throwing things and he observed what happens to objects when you throw them.
It’s all learning for them and us guiding, boundaries etc..
Wow.
before even watching this video, as a non-parent, DON'T NEGLECT YOUR KIDS WITH THE INTERNET. Give them books instead. Easier said than done, I know, but your kid will be so much more wholesome and intelligent.
Evil social planners: When the baby is crying, dont pick IT up.
Demonic.
Home schooling is the best. Living in homestead is again best
I couldn't agree more.
"All you need is love ".- Lennon , McCartney I'd like to see a debate between Gabor and Peterson. Peterson is the worst popular Canadian psychologist. Gabor is the best imo
Totally agree
Would Peterson disagree with this? Genuinely curious.
@@Insomniac618 i can't speak for him, but his emphasis seems to be about making men tough, caring in general seems lacking in his ideas.
Peterson is a zionist puppet who actually doesn’t know what he’s talking about when it comes to psychology because he can’t even overcome his own psychological damage to not endorse people killing kids.
He wouldn’t, Peterson is the best
What do you do instead of a time out then?
I guess when a toddler is acting like that it's generally for a reason, it may be a trivial reason for you but you should try to understand it and explain they don't need to act that way and that whatever bothers them is probably not that deep
❤
Let's free..
Since 50's kids spoiled.
Then they became spoiled adults and parents...follow the 10 Comandments
So my child Is throwing a tantrum because he wants mommy, I’m supposed to hug him? Pretty sure that doesn’t work.
No but dont ignore it when there is no tantrum . My kids do not give tantrums that much anymore they are 3 years old. They know i wont respond when they are upset they can cry and she try to talk together.
Tantrums can be teachable moments. Teach them the understanding of how to manage their emotions. That's our job as parents
Try getting down on their level and talking it out. Acknowledge that you understand they want their mom, and explain when he will be able to see his mom, you can say, mom’s going to be so happy to see you later, Should we draw her a picture, or write her a note? Point being-acknowledge that it’s ok for him to feel sad, but a tantrum is not how to get what you want. Try to redirect him to another activity. Tantrums are because kids are still operating in an emotional state, so finding ways to get them to a problem solving executive brain state are good. Focusing on validating their emotions and creating a sense of safety and connection and then transitioning to a more regulated state. Maybe look into online resources for helping kids out of the emotional state into an executive state?
All these words are good,,great.but.......parents are still going to do what they do,and teens will aswell....
Ive known great loving parents, with p.o.s. kids...
Some parents (like mine) work very hard at creating the PERCEPTION that they are great loving parents, when the reality is the opposite.
❤❤❤❤
💯
❤️
100%
I remember my mom saying to her crying nephew: how goodlooking you become when you cry. He's so special
im a very involved and present Dad i hold and kiss my children everyday and tell them i love them everynight , we pray together , eat together, play together and learn together
Yes.
So what is the correct protocol to deal with tantrums?
Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert on child development and trauma, offers insights grounded in understanding the deeper needs behind a child's behavior. When dealing with a tantrum, he would likely advise the following steps:
1. Stay Calm and Present
Children often mirror the emotional states of their caregivers. If you're calm, it helps the child feel safe.
Breathe deeply and avoid reacting with frustration or anger.
2. Understand the Cause
A tantrum is not a sign of a "bad" or "manipulative" child; it's a form of communication. The child is expressing an unmet need or overwhelming emotion they cannot articulate.
Try to see the tantrum as a window into the child’s emotional world.
3. Provide Connection, Not Punishment
Instead of isolating or punishing the child, stay physically and emotionally close. This reassures them that they are not alone.
For example, say, "I see you're upset. I'm here with you."
4. Validate Their Feelings
Acknowledge and name their emotions to help them feel understood.
For example: "You're really frustrated because you wanted to keep playing."
5. Set Gentle, Clear Boundaries
If the tantrum is about a limit (e.g., "We can’t eat candy before dinner"), stick to the boundary calmly and kindly, without giving in.
Be empathetic but firm: "I know you’re upset, and it’s okay to feel angry, but the rule is no candy before dinner."
6. Empower Them After the Storm
Once the tantrum subsides, discuss what happened in a non-judgmental way.
Help the child understand their emotions and brainstorm ways to handle similar feelings in the future.
7. Examine Your Own Triggers
Dr. Maté often emphasizes that a parent's reaction to a tantrum is influenced by their own upbringing and unresolved emotional wounds.
Reflect on why the behavior might trigger frustration in you and work on self-regulation.
8. Create a Safe Emotional Environment
Build a strong connection with the child during calm times. A secure attachment reduces the frequency and intensity of tantrums.
Engage in activities that nurture connection, like play or storytelling, and affirm their worth and love.
By approaching a tantrum with compassion, understanding, and connection, Dr. Maté would suggest that you not only address the immediate situation but also support the child in developing emotional resilience and trust.
@SustainableHuman thank you for elaborating on it, I appreciate!
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Nothing you do as a parent will matter more than what happens during early childhood.
And this holds true immediately after birth and during pregnancy.
Please if you can, avoid ultrasound, hospital births (at least in the states) and circumcision. All three of these contribute immensely to physical and mental trauma and all three are avoidable.
I did everything for my first child that I did for my other three but he's a diagnosed sociopath. What went wrong?
Human beings aren't robots. Each will respond differently to the same situation. Some internalize the pain. Some externalize it. Some become bleeding hearts and people pleasers. There are many ways that people respond to trauma.
There is a chance you actually did nothing wrong, but something simply went wrong when he was developing in the womb and his brain didn't develop properly. If he has no true sense of compassion, I think the focus needs to be more on teaching him that being mean to others will get consequenses for him as well
@zakosist Oh, did I ever try to teach him that but it was useless. Eventually there was nothing left to take away from him.
I know a wonderful, caring couple who adopted a little girl and gave her all the love and attention and problem solving and after helping her through college she graduated and became a hooker. Turns out her biological mother was a hooker, too.
I married a very damaged man who was diagnosed sociopath, he tortured animals and beat me and after he passed I had an autopsy of his brain done, which turned out to have been very abnormal. You just can't know everything, it's impossible. Might as well be compassionate with yourself.
@vivalaleta did u breastfeed him, pick him up when crying, feeling compassion when he s hurt, play with him not criticise or beat him? Talk with him about his problems, trust him?
I do both. If it really bothers me i will get them. They do need to know how to self sooth. But sometimes im just not okay with the cries.
So your child never knows what to expect from you.
Think about that.
Not real life though is it, agree for most part what he's saying but the world live in not possible most the time.