Enneagram: Type 4 & Feeling Unworthy
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- Опубліковано 15 вер 2024
- Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
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As a guy (type 4w) who has never had a relationship and really introverted, I tried talking to a girl to get to know her and partly cause I was interested. Took so much courage just to speak a word. Granted, I thank God for it cause I don't think I would have done anything without having his influence in my life. Throughout this whole process, I had overthought so many situations like "whats the worst that can happen - she says eww" "What if I look like a creep" "Do I look good enough?" and so on. Finally, I got through it and complimented her hairstyle (which I thought looked good personally), it was one of those quick random compliments. The next day as we waited for the train, I had an easier time starting a conversation and it was like she came alive. I was kinda surprised as I've never made friends with a complete stranger with a nice discussion *we saw each other 4 days a week and go to the same university to give background*. As of now, I keep overthinking stuff. The recurring question now is "Do I look good" and the answer is almost exclusively no. It is so hard to see me in a better light but a trick I give myself is just to ignore it for the time being so I don't let it influence the way I interact with her. So in short it would have affected my relationships with people by me being too quiet, less friendly, and with low self-esteem. It changed like half a month ago when I gave God my full life and prayed to help improve my life along with other things. It truly changed my perspective on life. Change my mindset to be kind and a little bit more social. I still feel lonely though but I just have to keep trusting in God.
(This interaction with her was really recent. 2 days ago.)
Sorry for the whole paragraph but I saw you mention that you wonder about type 4 relationship stuff.
I think is the old wound of abandonment, I understand that was the 4's misinterpretation, that in a moment some attention or care was withdrawn from us and we started wondering what about us was wrong for that to happen. I think we have that in common with 7s, the thing I don't get is how 7 don't doubt their self worth, they feel happiness was taken away and they want to cling to good-feeling moments, but they don't doubt, unless they go to the 6's fear, but even then not about their worth, how can a human be so confident?? haha. But we as 4s did feel special and happy at some point as well, and I think we try to do something that can give us sense of identity and worthiness, to be unique and special (like a gem) in order to deserve to be seen and loved. And that's where equanimity comes in, if we learn not to drown in our emotions and negative thinking, we may not end up feeling like shit and reinforcing our shitty concept. I think we mistakenly feel that if we are sad, someone will come to give us comfort and love (but happy ppl want to be around happy ppl so it's not true, it pushes ppl away). Very important for 4s: YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS, YOUR THOUGHTS ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT OR TRUE :)
As a 4, I think our dilemma is that we have a deep desire to beat to the sound of our own drum but we also feel that social pressure all humans feel to conform, to belong. The problem here is that there is an inherent contradiction between these desires that can never be fully resolved which probably causes us to descend into melancholy. I mean, if you know you have a problem that has no solution then that can get pretty depressing. Some of us probably struggle to accept that there is a price we must pay to be authentic: sometimes we just won't belong and will be misunderstood. But that is okay. That's just the way it is. We need to accept the fundamental nature of reality which is that we are allowed to be ourselves but other personalities are also allowed to dislike us or misunderstand us. Indeed, if someone is say an enneagram 8 and likes to engage in fierce debates as a way of connecting with you, then if you are a more reserved, more introspective 4 and feel drained by such vigorous forms of expression that doesn't make you as a 4 any less of a person or the 8 any less either. It's just that how you connect is different. The lens through which you see the world gives you the opportunity to feel certain things but not others. It's why a 7 probably hates having conversations about their mortality or the great existential questions of life and why certain personalities might only see your artistic achievement as having merit if it makes money. That's just the way the world is. The thing we give to others is to provide space for them to explore their emotions, to feel accepted and to be seen and heard. But to do that effectively we have to do the work to accept ourselves first, to be okay with our flaws and weakness because our flaws and weaknesses are the flip side of our strengths and they allow us to be loved because people don't want perfection. After all, they crucified Jesus and he was supposed to be the most perfect human to ever live. Our challenge is also our gift. We must go through the dark night of the soul by ourselves so that we can sit in the darkness with those that come to us at moments of crisis when their suffering becomes too much for them. We can be soldiers of the heart and hold a torch in front of them so they can see the path ahead and listen to the beating of their hearts.
As a 4, comparison is the goal! I think I’m obliged to compare to see if I’m doing it “right”.
I hold the feeling of everything is and is not at it should be at the same time. Thinking we must go through pain but we mustn’t stay in pain. Also i think our feeling of unworthyness stems from us falling from grace by our high standards we’ve set for ourselves.
I agree with all these things that have been said/written. I just want to say that I often will hear other people have conversations (an area I struggle with) and they seem to be so good at it. And I hear them say something or respond in a way that I have or would, but the reaction they receive seems so different than the reaction I receive for similar comments or situations with the same person. It's hard to explain in writing but it happens ALOT! I have worked with with the same 3 people for almost 7 years now (there are others that come and go) so the three of us who are consistently there know each other pretty well. But as others come, I see the dynamic change and shift I see how the reactions are different. I have finally just decided it's because I am more sensitive or have a different sense of humor etc etc. I don't really understand it. But it does happen. I am more likely to feel inferior than superior. And I live in my daydreams very much. I kind of forgot what else I was gonna so or where else I was gonna go with this. Oh well...that's all I got. Enjoy your day!
Yes equanimity is the key. And like you said it's all about "narrative." It's this innate inclination to always be comparing, focusing on past negative experiences, feeling deficient. It's a nightmare. Empowerment truly comes from shifting the narrative. Looking at all of the things that could potentially negate those negative perspectives, realizing you're just as valuable as everyone else, and that it's okay to feel happy and healthy and confident. And that feeling that way doesn't cancel out the positive things about being a four, feeling unique and artistic and special- it's possible to be those things and also be on equal level. Everyone had experienced their own darkness and people aren't necessarily going to exclude or judge you for yours. Changing the narrative to yes I'm different, but we all are and therefore I belong helps to open up the barriers against other people and our own mindset.
I am a 99% type 9 but I am also totally sure I have been a 4 for the first half of my life. I acted, thought and felt completely as a 4. Then I changed my attitude towards the world and started taking things easy and my life became much better. I know the Enneagram theory says you are born a type and never change for all your life, but I swear people can change. I am so much different now that people that knew me at the time even plainly told me I am a new and different person. Do you thing this is possible?
maybe you have always been a 9 (or a 4) but developed and moved to the healthy levels over time? :)
any type can look positively and negatively at the world, i think it depends on your own personal development plus there are also the wings of types and subtypes so it's definitely not black and white.
Everything is possible tho but either way I wouldn't worry about it. Past is a history and if you know you are a type 9 right now, I would focus on that :) I would just maybe digged a bit deeper into the type including its wings and different levels of development. I know Dr. Tom Lahue takes information from a book by Beatrice Chestnut but personally I very much like "Personality types, using the enneagram for self discovery (revised edition)" by Riso and Hudson. The book is absolutely spot on.
Anyways, good luck :)
A passage in the Bible that I come back to often as a 4 is Psalm 37. It really helps me when I struggle with envy and comparing myself to others or wanting what they have. In particular, these verses are helpful, ”Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb. Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.“ Psalm 37:1-4. The whole chapter is really profound.
I find your videos profound, engaged and helpful. As a self preservation 4 I wanted to put the focus on the feeling of self-deficiency or self-lacking - it is really interesting. I had a rough time to explore envy and comparing mind within myself - once I recognised I grasped the Enneagram in a fully new way, it got to me. As it is a relatively new system in respect of psychological and counselling books written about and it's ancient truth being put into words. The terminology is still developing which is fascinating. So the term self-deficiency evokes the idea of a broken machine or something produced with parts lacking. Introspecting myself I detected this feeling, but maybe I wouldn't put it in these words. It is not a deficiency, but more something like an empty space in my inner nature. "Something missing" describes that. So it is an empty space, it cannot be measured in size or located in any place. As I cannot know something that is empty and space, I cannot say something about ist, but it is my core belief that it is there. I cannot name it, I cannot wrap my mind around it. So it is part of my inner "nature" (so to say, that was entrusted and given to me) I must have done (unwillingly) something wrong, something that left a "hole" in there. This makes one prown to Melancholy, which covers/eases the pain, that comes with a strong conviction of a nameless sunspot or hole. There was a huge modern oil painting over my bed as a child, and one day, maybe between 8 and 11, I produced the idea, to throw a dart at it, which left a hole. My mother was furious, but more urgent was my inner feeling of guilt and shame, feeling that I had committed a really evil deed, I couldn't reverse anymore, and had devalued the painting (not in it's material worth, but in it's inner worth). The hole would stay there forever, even if no one would maybe see it, I knew what I had done and that it was there. So it is true, that 4s love broken things and can see the inner beauty in them, this doesn't quite count for my view on myself - because it is not broken, but there is a nameless empty space in it, an unidentified hole in it's nature - which doesn't mean broken, as you cannot give a name to the "missing". I hope that my comment is of use to understanding the Ennea-types 4 better. Thank you, Tom LaHue, for your good help and work,
So poetic
Am I actually deficient, or
do I just feel deficient?
For me It’s less of comparison or belief that we can’t accomplish stuff. My deficiency isn’t outward. I have confidence that I can be successful it’s just that success won’t bring me contentment.
It’s more that the job or relationship seems to make others happy or content. I am flawed because I won’t be content even when I am successful.
For me It’s not that there’s a specific quality I am missing. Sometimes it is.
Yes! Thank you so much, I didn't realise how often I compared. I talk about not caring at all what others think, to a fault, but hmm. So much to think about. But, getting so much better, content like yours is so helpful. Thank you x
"how do you think it affects your relationships when you believe that you're not loveable as you are?" What an incredible question. Wow!
I find it so hard to balance the fact that i had a terrible upbringing but I'm a well adjusted adult who has succeeded in a lot of areas and failed in a lot of areas but sometimes wonder if I'm completely full of myself and fooling everyone around me.
Wow, I can totally relate to this! Could have written that myself!
I am already lovable as I am.
I am a type 4 and I have schizophrenia, so for me personally I feel like I really get into the gray areas with this. Would you possibly be willing to do a 4 video dealing with topics such as schizophrenia? Not schizophrenia exactly per se, but a video for 4s dealing with 4 stuff on top of dealing with illnesses, setbacks of a more permanent nature?
I was literally just pondering why i struggle with feeling unworthy, one goes to four... Now i understand myself a bit more, thanks! 🥳💚 If you want a good example from the perspective of a one moving to four under stress, feeling superior yet deficient, i write alot of my music when i am stressing into a four. I feel superior in the sense that nobody can keep up with me and yet deficient because nobody can play with me and i have a hard time playing simple music with lesser musicians. 🎹🎶
You hit so many good points
Being a 4 is horrible. I hope to be able to let it go someday. Yes it feels “gooey” aka my usual term is “cheesy”.
Are you true to who you are,
or are you just tied to your identity
of who you are?
Can we be friends please?!
Your short videos have summed up what I spent 35 years trying to figure out. 😂🤣😳😵😪😭
Seriously… every one of your videos either makes me laugh or makes me cry because it literally explains me in every way!
Aw what a sweet ending statement. That made me feel better about myself ☺️ haha
Hey Tom. Any chance you have knowledge in the area of mental health issues being tied into the numbers? I was wondering if you do. If you'd do videos on those? For example I know someone who is a 4w5 with a lesser case of autism as well as borderline personality disorder. Many things tied with a 4 basically fuel those 2 disorders sometimes to an extreme. Just wondering if maybe you could expand on that if you have knowledge in the are in a video one day.
I am a Type 4 & just really learning. I've gained lots from your videos. Your descriptions of the feelings are accurate but I do not relate to the inner dialogue that you describe. It feels as if you understand the basic issues but not some of the internal dialogue & thought processes. Sometimes it sends you do but not really in this video. Maybe it is accurate for some but not all 4s.
I focus on what went wrong in the past and why. I blame myself for all my bad choices. I feel like I am in the wrong place but not sure where I should be. Like I would have been recognized for my talents if I hadn’t focused on the wrong things in the past. The past pops up often and keeps me feeling like the present is escaping from me.
Being a 1 : One's also do the analysis this and identify deficiency in themselves. Just like with the 7 saying - yes I could probably do that too or be as successful if I tried - except the 1 says, OK I see I'm deficient in something, what the hell is wrong with me, why am I underachieving 🙄
I get envy at you for hearing that you can just do it. Lmao. Sometimes I wish I was a 7 instead.
❤